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- [00:00]
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- [02:17]
Dan Kennedy
Use the code Moth welcome to the Moth Podcast. I'm Dan Kennedy. This week we bring you two Grand Slam stories and I know most of you already know about our Story Slam series. It started here in New York and now it's in Chicago and LA and all over. And that's basically our open mic storytelling competition. But in our Grand Slams, that's When the previous 10 story slam winners of just the regular Slams get together to face off and try and get the title of Grand Slam Champion. So it's all new stories, all new theme, but 10 previous winners. Our first story this week by Aaron Wolf was recorded live at a Grand Slam here in New York City just last month. This night was crazy. This is a good night. The theme of the night was Day of Reckoning. Here's Aaron Wolfe.
- [03:17]
Aaron Wolf
So the arresting officer looks at me and he says, Mr. Wolf, you Puerto Rican? And I say, no, I'm Jewish. And he kind of looks me up and down real slow and he says, yeah, I'm just gonna put down Puerto Rican for you. Now, on one hand, I'm a 22 year old white kid from suburban Teaneck, New Jersey. I've never been the victim of racial stereotyping before in my life, and it feels great. This is every suburban white kid in 1999's Wet Dream. I've been listening to Wu Tang Clan for five years straight, just preparing for this moment. And it's finally come. On the other hand, I'm fairly certain my grandparents didn't survive the Holocaust just so I could get arrested for smoking a joint and not have it be on my permanent record that I'm a Jew. So I'm gonna set this guy straight. And then he says, Mr. Wolf, give me your shoelaces and your belt. And I say, why? And he says, so you don't choke nobody out. And again, I'm sort of flattered that he sees me that way and horrified. And then I'm chained to a chain of 15 guys and I'm loaded into a paddy wagon and we're driven downtown to Central Booking. Now, the paddy wagon has two benches, five guys to bench and five guys standing up in the middle. And we're driving down the FDR Drive. And every time we hit a bump, the guys that are standing fall on the guys that are sitting. And I'm sitting and the guy in front of me keeps falling on top of me. And he puts his hand on my thigh, the guy to brace himself and pick himself back up. And every time he does it, it stays there longer and longer and longer. Now, everything I know about jail up to this point, I have learned from the gritty and shockingly explicit TV show Oz. And so I know that it starts with a hand on your thigh and very quickly escalates to you giving A blowjob to a guy from the Aryan Nation. So I have to act very quickly. And I look at him and I say, please get off of my leg. And he says, oh, yeah, sorry, man. And I'm like, oh, cool, we're bros. Everyone's bros. This is great. No problem. And then we hit another bump and boom. The hand goes back to my leg and now it's not moving, it's just staying there. And I look up at this guy for the first time and he's big and mean and scary looking. And I know nothing about him. And he could be a murderer. And that's when I remember that he knows nothing about me. And the cop that arrested me didn't believe that I wasn't Puerto Rican. This guy doesn't know that. I cried at Jason Kleppner's bar mitzvah because some of the boys were acting wild. So I mustered up all of my after school playcrafters drama club chops, and I look him in the eye and I say, get the fuck off my leg. Which by the way, is a character I learned for the Teaneck High School production of South Pacific. Get the fuck off my leg. Is there is nothing but a dame. Like it's the same guy, but it works. He gets this like, sick look on his face and he says, oh my God, I am so sorry. And we hit a bump and he kind of flails around, but he doesn't touch me. We get to central booking and now we're moved into a cell. There's like 30 of us in the cell, but I think I'm cool because 15 people have just seen me stand up to this paddy wagon bully, you know, and all I have to do is figure out who the next alpha is and try not to become his beta. And I immediately spot the guy. He's this guy that I call the Don. And I call him the Don because he looks like he's either dressed for some sort of Sopranos live action role playing game that I'm not familiar with, or. Or he has experience dismantling a human spine. And it's like four in the morning and everyone's sort of like falling asleep, except for the Don and me, because as long as the Don's awake, I'm awake. And about 4:30 in the morning, the Don, who's been staring through the bars in the middle of the cell, just not moving, all of a sudden he starts screaming at the top of his lungs. He's just going, officer, Officer, officer, officer, officer, officer. And he keeps going for like 20 minutes, he's officer, officer, officer. And in my head I'm going, officer, officer, officer. And finally a guard comes over and he says, what's the problem? And the don says, I need a doctor. And the officer says, you sick? And the don says, yes. And the cop says, DTs. And the don says, yes. And the cop says, heroin. And the don kind of looks around and goes, yes. And the cop looks at him and says, then fuck you. And he walks away. And the don kind of collapses onto this bench. He sort of crumbles onto the bench. And he looks very small. And he doesn't look like a mafioso hitman anymore. He just looks scared. And now everyone's awake because everyone has simultaneously gotten the same realization that the scariest people there are the people on the other side of the bars. And there's this murmur, this chatter, and I feel this tap on my shoulder and I look and it's the paddy wagon bully. And he says, hey, man, excuse me, sorry. I was arrested for driving without my vehicle registration in the car. Do you think I'm going to be in here for a while? And before I can say anything, the guy next to him says, oh man, you were arrested for driving while being black. And I look at the paddy wagon bully for the first time. I really look at him. And he's a middle aged black man that looks very scared and very alone. As scared and alone as I feel. And I ought to say, I am so sorry for what I did to you in the paddy wagon. I ought to say that I am just as bad as the cops that arrested you and just as bad as everybody in here that's been prejudging everybody else. I want to say all of that, but I don't say that. Instead I just say, nah, man, I'm sorry, I don't know. And I kind of move away from him because I'm too ashamed. I once heard that the word penitentiary comes from the word penance, meaning that what you're supposed to do in there is just feel sorry for what you have done. I wasn't in a penitentiary. I was in Central booking for 36 hours and I was released with an all counts dismissal pending one year probation. But for making that man scared of me because I was too stupid to realize that I was scared of his skin color, I will be doing time for a long, long time. Thanks.
- [09:06]
Dan Kennedy
Aaron Wolf is a writer, film and television editor, musician, and a storyteller. He's currently working on his fourth screenplay and a collection of essays about his life as a serial college dropout, aspiring rock star, and suburban socialist. You can visit him online@aaron-wolf.com and that's Wolf with an e. In the end, Aaron's story won that night. But we wanted to share this next story with you because it was just one of our favorites from the night as well. This story cracked me up so much. It's by Diana Speckler. Here's Diana.
- [09:47]
Diana Speckler
Andrew is a student in the summer writing class I'm teaching who doesn't really stand out. He's just this man writing a novel about aliens involved in a bank heist. But during the last class, he announces that he just signed a contract to star on a reality show called Arranged Marriage. Women all over the world are applying to be his wife. In late February, he'll meet three candidates for an hour each and choose one to marry. And then his wedding and the first year of his marriage will be broadcast on cbs. Everyone in class is like, why are you doing this? And Andrew says, I want to find true love. Looking at Andrew, it occurs to me that this man belongs on television. He even looks like a headshot. Super symmetrical face, dimples, glossy finish. How have I spent all summer not noticing him? Well, now that class is over, we start meeting at night in bars, and all this lust develops between us. Like our legs will touch between the bar stools, and it feels like our kneecaps are generating electricity. One night, finally, he kisses me, and by October, I'm in love. I feel like I see a side of Andrew that other people don't get to see. He's vulnerable. Like when he feels embarrassed, his ears turn pink. And when he feels insecure, he shadowboxes. I just love him, even though sometimes he looks meaningfully into my eyes and says a cliche as though he invented it. Like the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. Well, because reality TV has become a big part of my life, I start watching old episodes of the Bachelor, and I find one season finale particularly enlightening. The Bachelor proposes. The girl says, hang on a sec. Then she turns away and does a victory dance. I'm like, that's it. That's the key to lasting romance, to never getting bored. You have to achieve rather than receive love. That fall, Andrew and I stay up nights talking, drinking, cooking, and everything's great. Everything's perfect. Except the CBS people keep calling, and I listen to Andrew describe for them his perfect woman, who doesn't sound much like me. She sounds like a porn star who's Also a genius, but I have an advantage over all the wife applicants. I know Andrew. I'm his girlfriend. All I have to do is keep making him happy until he tells CBS that he's sorry, but he's found true love in real life. So I start doing Andrew's laundry, making him lasagna, editing his alien novel. But I worry that if I act too much like his wife, he'll want someone else. Because to quote Andrew, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. One night in late January, he's sifting through pictures of potential wives and I'm pretending not to notice, and he says, you should apply to be my wife. And I say, really? And he says, no. And I say, good, because I wouldn't have anyway. And he stands, puts his hands on my shoulders and says, I hate it that I'm hurting you. And I say, then stop hurting me. And he just hugs me and doesn't answer. But a couple weeks later, it's the day before Valentine's Day, and he says, I'm taking you to dinner. I know he doesn't want to take me out on Valentine's Day because Valentine's Day is a Hallmark holiday. He thought of that himself. And I think finally tonight he'll tell me, I choose you. So we're at dinner and I'm all dressed up and I'm waiting for the big declaration when Andrew sets his fork down, looks at me and says, I don't love you. And then he says, but you're a beautiful person inside and out. Well, I don't know if you've ever lost your boyfriend to a woman he's never met, but it's kind of like losing your best friend to an imaginary friend. But some months later, when you get perspective, it's kind of like you didn't lose anything. It's kind of like you won. Thank you.
- [15:47]
Dan Kennedy
Diana Speckler is the author of the novels who By Fire and Skinny, both on Harper Perennial. Her writing has appeared in the New York Times, gq, the Wall Street Journal, O Magazine, Esquire, and elsewhere. She teaches writing in New York City and for Stanford's online writer studio. And here's a quick note for those of you in Chicago, Peter Sagal hosts the third Chicago Grand Slam that's going to be on Tuesday, March 13, and at the Park West. And for more information or to buy tickets, just Visit the site themoth.org Our.
- [16:25]
Rosetta Stone Advertiser
Podcast host, Dan Kennedy, is the author of the book Rock An Office Power Ballad. Learn more@rockonthebook.com thanks to all of you.
- [16:34]
Dan Kennedy
For listening and we hope you have a story worthy week. Podcast audio production by Paul Ruest at the Argo Studios in New York Podcast hosting by PRX Public Radio Exchange helping make public radio more public@prx.org.