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- [00:00]
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- [01:22]
Andy Borowitz
Welcome to the Moth Po welcome to the podcast. I'm Andy Borowitz. The Moth features true stories told live without notes. All stories on the podcast are taken from our ongoing storytelling series in New York and Los Angeles and from our tour shows across the country. Visit themoth.org today we're excited to announce the publication of Ravens, the new novel by Moth founder George Dawes Green. Publishers Weekly calls it stellar, exquisite, and devastating. The story you are about to hear by Alex Draper was recorded live at a Moth MainStage show in 2003. The theme of the night was Innocents Stories of Strangers in Strange Lands.
- [02:06]
Alex Draper
I was doing a play at the Olney Theater in Olney, Maryland, and one day on a break from rehearsal, a woman from the development office poked her head into the room and said, alex, it's India on line one for you. I went to the phone and it was my friend Govind Menon. Govind is an Indian prince who I went to college with and did many plays with in college, and he was calling me from India to tell me that he was cast in, but also helping to produce a huge Indian movie. And he was calling me up to see if I was available for two months to come to India and be in the movie. This sort of thing didn't happen to me, so I was very excited. But through my excitement I could hear some little alarm bells going off. The first of them was Govind. I love Govind but even in college he was a very eccentric, mercurial, difficult, pushy guy and needed to be taken with some grains of salt even back then. And that was before the year that he spent in Las Vegas developing his taste for cocaine and post op transsexuals. So I wasn't sure how much of what he was telling me I could take at face value. Also, he was being very vague and very pushy. It was a huge movie, but there was no budget. There were huge stars in it. Well, like who? You wouldn't know them. Can I read a script? There's no script. Well, Govind, are you shooting this on 35 millimeter? It's in fucking Panavision, man. Throughout all his vagueness, the one hook that he had was the role he wanted me to play. He told me that it was a prison movie and he wanted me to play the warden. And this warden was a man who actually existed. A real live person who existed and who as a matter of historical fact had the following very tantalizing to an actor character attributes. He was Irish. Lovely. He had a horrible limp and used a cane. Fantastic. He was hard of hearing and used an ear trumpet. Colorful. He was psychopathically violent. Oh, come on. He was an alcoholic. Fantastic. And he was really, really fat. Now my acting career was going fine, but my catering career was really cooking. Actually through catering I had gotten some of the more interesting roles I'd played recently, including an elf at a Pfizer Christmas party with the Rockettes and a wacky professor representing Jello's foray into the 21st century at the 50th anniversary of Jell O. So David Barry, the crazy, psycho, alcoholic, half deaf, fat Irish warden, was definitely something I could sink my teeth into. And I told Govan, I said, govind, I'm your man, but I'm not fat. Are you a little bit fat? No, I'm not fat at all. Are you like chubby Govan? I'm not fat. Can you get fat, Govan? I can't get fat. You won't even send me a script. I'm not getting fat. Look, don't worry about it. You're going to be great. They love you. So off I flew to India. About halfway through the 24 hour flight, I started having serious doubts about what I've decided to do. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. It was two months. I didn't know where I was going. I didn't know any of the people I was going to be working with. I had no idea what this movie was about. But through all that, I figured, you know what? If nothing else, I'm going to the Andaman Nicobar Islands in the Bay of Bengal, south of Burma. If nothing else, it'll be an adventure. For the last leg of the trip from Madras to Port Blair, Govind and one of the movie stars and two of the producers joined me on the plane. And when we landed in Port Blair, this tiny little one strip airstrip, there was a huge crowd waiting for us. And the plane pulled to a stop and the crowd surrounded the plane and they couldn't get the little stairs through. And they finally did. And I'm looking out the window and I see five guys in baseball caps and sunglasses dart down the stairs and they get ushered into this van that's waiting there and they sort of pull away and the crowd goes nuts and follows them. And I turn to Govind and I say, govind, who are those guys? And he kind of smiles and said, that's us, man. What do you mean, that's us? Decoys. They're pulling the crowd away from the plane so we can get off. And I began to think that maybe this thing was bigger than I thought. That night there was a party in the director's school. We're in a beautiful hotel on this beautiful island. And there's a party that night in the director's suite. And it's a party because that day the winners of the Indian Academy Awards were announced and people connected to the movie had won 17 Academy Awards. So I was getting very nervous and I had to go meet the director. And we go meet him. And it's a room full of large Indian men in really nice shirts and Rolexes and Ray Bans. And they all seem very nice. They don't speak much English, but they're sort of quiet and focused and nice. And I thought it went well. And later in my hotel room, I told Govan that I thought it went well. And he said, no, that didn't go well at all. It's like, what do you mean? They're really upset, man. What are they? They're really upset that you're not fat. The next day, principal photography began. And for the first week, I didn't have that much to do, thank God. You know, I was just in like maybe twice a day they'd film me across the prison yard up in some tower or something. But. And that was a really good thing because I was getting much more nervous with every minute that passed. And that was for several reasons. One of them was that there was definitely a sort of chill on the set whenever I was around. There was a lot of discussion about padding and different kinds of padding that they could use. But most importantly, I was finding out more about the movie I was in. As it turned out, I just happened to stumble into the Indian Schindler's List. The movie was called Kalapani, which means black water. And it's the name of a very famous prison where we were shooting that the English built, originally in the Andaman Islands, originally as part of a penal colony. But as opposition to the Raj increased, it was turned into a concentration camp where many very famous Indian freedom fighters were sent. Because of the incredibly harsh climate, disease, vermin, wild animals, sea crocodiles, forced labor, many of these men died there. And this movie was telling their story. And it was the first time it was ever covered on film. And when word got out that this movie was being made, stars from all over India waived their fees for the privilege of playing some Indian from their region who had been sent to Kalapani to die there. So it was an unbelievable cast, an epic story, and I was the villain. I was the Ralph Fiennes of this movie. And I was not fat. Three days into my stay in the Andamanicbar Islands, true to the lore, I got deathly ill. I got very, very sick. It was a combination of an intestinal infection and sun poisoning. This was horrible for all kinds of reasons. It was my own little personal hell of delirium and all that kind of stuff. But much worse, what little weight I had on my frame was flying off of me hour by hour. Six days later, thank God, after a diet of egg whites and rice and electrolytes, they sort of propped me up, rolled me out and padded to within an inch of my life, put me in the biggest scene I had to film in the movie. And by the grace of many gods, it went fantastically. At the end of the last shot, standing ovation, fantastic. And for the first time I feel comfortable. I feel welcomed into the bosom of Kalapani. Two days after that, my co villain arrived on the island. And he was a man by the name of Amrish Puri. For those of you who don't know who Amrish Puri is, he's best known in this country for playing the villain in Indiana Jones, Temple of Doom. He is actually the high priest of the Temple of Doom, a terrifying looking man who in that movie rips a human heart out of a sacrificial victim and holds it in his hand. He is absolutely that terrifying. In person, if not more so. And I found out immediately that not only is he a huge star in India and terrifying, but he's also possibly the world's biggest screen hogging piggy ever. Every cell of his being, every cub Kilowatt of his stardom is focused on stealing what he can from you. Any dialogue that you have with him. He argues with the full weight of his stardom that it should be a monologue for him. In the first scene we did, at one point, the director instructed me, you know, we rehearsed the scene and he said, okay, that's great, Alex. You know, just cut Amrish off at that point. Just cut him off and go on, because you're the boss, and just cut him off. Okay, let's shoot it. And he walks back towards the camera. And as he's walking away from me, I hear from behind me, wait until I have finished my words. And I turn around and there's Amish Puri with his fire yellow eyes boring into me. He's 6 foot 4. And I just imagine his hand reaching out, crushing through my ribs and grabbing my heart and just squeezing it to a stop. So I did what I did for the rest of the movie, which was that I did the first take the way the director wanted and the second take the way Amrish wanted. And there were never any third takes, so that was fine. One of the things I had to do to play my part, my big role of villainy, was I had to learn how to ride a horse. And I didn't know how to ride a horse at all. And part of what was happening was because of basically the island was inhabited by people who were descendants of people who had been sent there. So the whole island knew the story that we were filming and followed daily. So they knew everything we were doing. And we were obviously, you know, we were telling their story and they loved it. So when my riding lessons were scheduled, it was a huge deal. And there'd be like 200, 300 kids to watch me learn how to ride. That was not so good at first because I really sucked. And every time. Every time the horse got away from me or I fell, there'd be huge outroars of laughter and glee. And it was a huge deal. Finally, on the third day, I'm cantering around the field and the horse breaks away from me into a full gallop. And for the first time, I'm able to rein the horse in. And I rein him in and I get him to a full stop. And there's silence and the tallest kid stands up on the wall and says something and my teacher rides over with a smile on his face and he says, he said, you are a great king. Months later the movie came out and it was a huge hit. Kalapani, the movie no Indian should miss. 200 million Indians saw the movie all over India. Back in New York, where word of my international stardom had not yet spread, I was back to my usual life. Nothing had really changed, with the exception that every now and then when I was catering, I'd get a little extra kick in my step. And as I was hauling out some garbage to a dumpter, or maybe as I was proffering my little tray of salmon moose tartlets, I'd think to myself, alex, you're a great king. Thank you.
- [14:14]
Andy Borowitz
Alex Draper is an actor who starred in Hysterical Blindness, Sex and the City, Law and Order, and the Seagull. The Moth is a non profit organization. Consider supporting our free podcast by going to our podcast contribution page or by becoming a moth member@themoth.org you can also buy moth stories on CD, including today's story, which is featured on Innocents Abroad Stories about Strangers in Strange Lands. Our podcast host, Andy Borowitz is a comedian, actor and writer whose work appears regularly in the New Yorker, the New York times, and@borowitzreport.com and don't forget Ravens is the new novel by Moth founder George Dawes Green. Publishers Weekly calls it stellar, exquisite and devastating. Thanks to Maz Swift for our podcast music. And please tell us what you thought of today's episode. What would you like to hear more of or less of? Email us@podcasthemoth.org thanks to all of you for listening. We hope you have a story worthy week. Podcast audio production by Paul Ruest at the Argo Network Podcast hosting by PRX Public Radio Exchange helping make public radio more public@prx.org.