Jay Allison (0:00)

As we approach the end of the year, I'm thinking about the next. Next year is the year I finally make my Spanish better than my 9 year old's. Rosetta Stone is the most trusted language learning program available on desktop or as an app, and it truly immerses you in the language that you want to learn. I can't wait to use Rosetta Stone and finally speak better than my 9 year old who's been learning Spanish in his own way. Rosetta Stone is the trusted expert for 30 years. With millions of users and 25 languages offered speaking Spanish, French, Italian, German, Korean, I could go on fast language acquisition. Rosetta Stone immerses you in many ways. There are no English translations, so you can really learn to speak, listen and think in that language. Start the new year off with a resolution you can reach today. The Moth listeners can take advantage of this Rosetta Stones lifetime membership for 50% off visit rosettastone.com moth that's 50% off. Unlimited access to 25 language courses for the rest of your Life. Redeem your 50% off at rosettastone.com moth.

Dan Kennedy (1:22)

Welcome to the Moth Podcast. I'm Dan Kennedy. The Moth features true stories told live without notes. All stories on the podcast are taken from our ongoing storytelling series in New York and Los Angeles and from our tour shows across the country. Visit themoth.org and we have big news.

Jay Allison (1:40)

I'm Jay Allison and I'm happy to tell all you podcast listeners that I'm producing our brand new show for public radio, the Moth Radio Hour. It will be coming to a public radio station near you and it's available now. So please ask your station to put the program on the air so more people can hear the Moth and we can all hear more stories. Thanks.

Dan Kennedy (2:03)

The story you're about to hear by Amy Cohen was recorded live at the Moth main stage in January this year. The theme of the night was In Harm's Stories about Danger.

Amy Cohen (2:17)

I, as you now know, have always been a very fearful person. And as a child I was, you know, the little kid who was gripping the stairs and the shallow end with the floaties and the kickboard. And as an adult, I was the person who would see a spot on her leg and think, oh my God, it's cancer, only to realize that it was newsprint from the Sunday Times. Yeah, and I mean, I didn't think that I was strong enough for electrolysis, let alone the diagnosis I got when I was 38 when I found out I had tested positive for the BRCA1 gene mutation, which Is often called the breast cancer gene. And I got tested because the women in my family get breast cancer. My mom, my sister, my aunts, my grandmother, they all had it. And when you test positive immediately, like, within five seconds, you're assigned an oncologist, and they tell you just in case. And I said it felt like I was taking my first drink and signing up for rehab, just in case. And the other weird thing about the test is that they call it a predictive, meaning that it's supposed to predict your chances of getting breast cancer throughout your life, which are said to be as high as 86%. But the weird thing for me was it's sort of hard to understand is that I felt like I had it. I felt like I had it already, and no one was sort of getting. Giving me the legitimacy of saying, like, we have it already. So I felt like it was in me. So I was so anxious all the time. And one of the ways that it manifested was I was constantly giving myself breast exams. So I would be at dinner with friends, and I'd be like, oh, yeah, the tandoori chicken sounds really good. Yeah. And I was just a wreck. And I started to think, you really need to do something. And they tell you that you really only have two options, and the options are aggressive monitoring or a prophylactic mastectomy. So I started thinking about that. But one of my big fears was, am I strong enough for this? Is it going to be okay? Or am I going to explode like a cheap Chinese firecracker? I didn't know. So the strong one in my family has always been my sister, and never more so than in the year that she had breast cancer. And she's just one of those amazing people who whipped up lemon tarts for her radiologist and smiled when blood was drawn. And the joke that we had, and it's so true, Is that I said I was hoping I could keep up with your exercise schedule when you were on chemo. But clearly I was wrong. And, you know, we always said that it was my mom's legacy of how to deal with breast cancer. You know, like, you're going to kick cancer's ass. And our mom had breast cancer the first time in 1972, when it was really considered a death sentence by many. And she had a really serious case, and it was a miracle she survived. And she was always so happy to be alive after that that she got excited about the littlest things. And she would say, like, you know, daddy and I went to Morocco, and we bought from a Toothless woman who was selling them with her feet. And it was like, woo, that's so exciting. My mom actually had a very, very radical double mastectomy. And in the early 70s they really gouged you out. So in profile, she really looked like a very delicate letter C. And you know, I mean, we had no nudity in our household. And I think I always thought that that was part of it. And I used to joke that in our house nudity was the state of existence between the shower and your towel. That's it. Because my mom was always really, really self conscious. And I always thought it was because of her mastectomies. And so in addition to worrying about everything else, I really worried that I would hate my body as much as I always thought my mom hated hers. So I called my sister and I said, you know, I'm thinking about getting this operation. And she said, what took you so long? And I thought that was particularly amazing because seven years before my sister got breast cancer, she actually had a double mastectomy. And it's very, very rare that anyone gets it. And in fact, the doctor said, we've only heard about this happening once in Europe. So we really felt like, oh my God, is this really us? But it was. And my sister is so incredible that she's been just a model to us all. But she was one of the 3 to 7% who got it. And she was so encouraging of my getting it that I decided to schedule the operation and I could cancel at any time. That was what I kept on saying, cancel at any time. So I started telling people that I was going to have the operation. And you know, the first thing I said is, I can't believe I have to get rid of my breasts, which I actually liked. I mean, I actually like them. And they're very perky little A cups, like, you know, people would like. You know, it was sort of like a, I don't know, like a demitas cup. I mean, they were tiny. And I said, why do I have to be getting rid of those? Why can't I be getting a cellulitectomy? That would be good. But I think part of it too was that I really, I wanted to sort of set the tone for how people were gonna deal with me. I didn't want any pity. And you know, one of the weird things too is that I was so anxious and so down. I mean, I was down for so many months when I found out that I was really afraid that if I didn't set the tone, people were gonna Bring me down. So I was very much like, this is how we're gonna deal with it. You know, please just respect that. And people were really good. But still, I really felt like. I felt like someone might freak me out, and again, I might back out, but I didn't. I decided to have the operation at Memorial Sloan Kettering, where they really encourage you to take what's called a reconstruction seminar, which I said sounded like something from the Civil War. It sounds like a Civil War reenactment, doesn't it? Like a reconstruction seminar with Confederate flags and people in period costume. But in fact, it's a place where you find out about different methods of reconstruction. And there are really two kinds. One is implants, which we all know. Hello, Pamela Anderson. And the second is called tram flap surgery, where they take fat from usually your buttocks or your hips, and they make them into very natural looking breasts, but usually you have to be a little bit heavier. And so my plastic surgeon said, no, no, no. Unless you gain 50 pounds, you're really not a candidate. And I said, so I went to this reconstruction seminar, and we saw lots of before and after photos, and I was in a room with about 70 women, all of whom had breast cancer. And I didn't tell them why I was there. And I got to ask my question, which was, do people ever get implants and then decide to get the tram flap surgery? And they said, no, no, no, that never happens. And so afterwards, I was standing by the buffet table, and this woman came up to me, and she was wearing the kind of really kooky glasses that German avant garde architects wear. You know, like Elton John. You know, I know something bad is going to happen. And she said, I was talking to my husband. I heard your question about not having enough fat. And I said, look at her. She's got plenty of fat. Plenty. And I had just gone through this terrible breakup where I'd gained 15 pounds and I was eating a Danish at the time. So it really didn't help. And just the words were ringing, like, plenty of fat. Plenty. And so I told that story so many times afterwards. And I think one of the reasons I told it is because the truth was so overwhelming for me, which was being in that room with all those women who had breast cancer. I felt lucky. I felt really lucky. And before that, I thought, like, who has put in the decision to remove a part of their body? What kind of decision is that? And then I thought, oh, my God, that's a decision that so many of those women wish they had. Had. And in that room, we'd seen so many scary before and after photos. And the after photos were just terrifying. And, you know, a lot of these women asked questions in trembling voices, as did I. And that was really the moment where I realized I was not going to turn back. I was absolutely, positively going to go forward with this operation because I was lucky. I really had an opportunity that they didn't have. So we get a little closer to my operation, and I was all misplaced anxiety. Like, never. I never said, like, I'm, you know, I'm terrified about the operation. I would say, like, because my parents, you know, my whole family was trying to get me to date, and I was like, I am not going to try j date. You know, I was just hysterical. Like, that was my big thing. No, because I'm having this operation. I don't have to. And then the other fear I had is, because I had never had surgery, was that I was going to OD on anesthesia. That was really. And that I was going to be the person on 2020 with the feeding tube, you know, like in the assisted living facility in New Jersey. Terrified. Terrified. Like, I had a mosh pit in my chest. I was so anxious about that. And then the day of my surgery arrived, and I was calm. I was really at peace. It was pretty amazing because now you guys know how crazy I am, and it was just incredible. And I got to to the hospital, and I felt really proud of myself. And I remember also wearing my little gown and my little paper booties and shuffling into the operating room and feeling like Sean Ped in deadpen walking. And then I got into the operating room, and the nurse said, wow, you don't look 40. And I said, well, now I don't need any anesthesia. And then that was it. And then the next day, I woke up and it was time to see my new. And I thought, oh, my God, is it going to be Pamela Anderson? Is it going to be Anderson Cooper? What am I expecting here? Yeah, who knows? And actually, I had skin expanders placed under my chest wall, and then they're filled with a little bit of saline. So I remember being in the hospital room and my gown was opened, and I slowly looked down, and I said, well, that's not traumatic. That's what they look like before because they are tiny, which was perfect. So then they sort of put more saline in you as weeks go by. And at this point, I realized something incredibly important about myself, which is I love having bigger boobs. I love it. I love it. It's the greatest thing that's ever happened. So my plastic surgeon said, you know, at some point, we really need to decide what size you want to be. And I said, yeah. I said, vulgar. And he said, yeah. Because also, it was like the first time my postman remembered my name. I was like, I'm loving this. And he said, no, no, no, I'm serious, Amy. What size do you want to be? And I said, seriously, I want you to think, like, Playboy Mansion, Hollywood Wife, Carnival. Carnival. Literally, as I was going under, I swear to God this is true. I was saying, like, as big as you can. As big as you can. Yeah. Yeah. So that was. Yeah. So then, you know, now, as we know, fake. So, yeah. And actually, my dad and I had this really cute moment at Starbucks one day because he said, you know, because I was loving the boobs. And he said, you know, it's going to be a big year. Aim big, big, big. And I said. And I said, delightful. We thought that was hilarious. It was our little bit of double mastectomy humor. So, you know, I think what I never could have realized in a million years is that I would consider this. I'm almost done, Maz. I swear. Is that I would consider this to be really one of the best things that's ever happened to me. I mean, I really. I really feel that it's changed my life. And I've begun to talk to a lot of women who have had the surgery or are having the surgery. And one of the times, Memorial called me up and they said, we don't even know how to ask you this. And I said, I know what you're going to ask. And they said, what? And I said, she wants to see them. And they said, yes, it's. Is that okay? And I said, sure, whatever. So I met her in the locker room of Equinox, and I was like. Which I've done so many times since. And she looked at me, and I knew what she wanted to do. And I said, you want to touch them? And she said, yeah, can I? And I said, sure. And so I went to second base with this stranger in my gym locker room, as I have done so many times since. Yes. Trust me. And I think actually the most incredible thing I've realized through this whole thing is that I thought so much about my mom and my sister and I sharing the BRCA1 gene, but I realized that we share another gene, which is the gene that tells you not to pity yourself and to deal with things in your own way, which, in my case, meant saying it only took me 40 years to become a blonde with big boobs. Great. And you know, I so underestimated myself thinking that I would crack. And I saw these incredibly strong women deal with breast cancer and I never realized until I had my own episode how much it had influenced me and how much stronger I was than I ever gave myself credit for. And now my sister is perfectly healthy and she's in the room and yay. I know. I love you. My mom fought valiantly against the brain tumor that ultimately took her life. And you know, I thought about how in addition to the BRCA1 gene mutation, we share another gene. And that's the resilience gene. And that's the gene that I hope will define me and everything I do for the rest of my life. And for that, I could not feel more fortunate.