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- [00:00]
Rosetta Stone Advertiser
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- [01:09]
Dan Kennedy
Welcome to the Moth Podcast. I'm Dan Kennedy. This podcast is brought to you by stamps.com with your busy schedule, we're sure making trips to the post office is the last thing you have time for. Did you know with stamp@stamps.com you can buy and print official US postage right from your own computer and printer. It's easy and convenient. Plus stamps.com will give you a digital scale. It automatically calculates the exact postage you need for any letter or package. You print the postage directly onto envelopes, labels, or even plain paper. Then just hand your mail to your mail carrier. There's no need for you to go to the post office again again, or even lease one of those expensive postage meters. Right now, there's a special offer for listeners of the Moth podcast, a no risk trial plus a $110 bonus offer that includes the digital scale and up to $55 free postage. Don't wait. Go to stamps.com and click on the microphone at the top of the homepage. Then type in Moth. That's stamps.com Enter Moth. This podcast is supported by Makers 46 Handcrafted Bourbon. Big, complex and enjoyable. More online at makers46.com Makers 46 Bourbon Whiskey, 47% alcohol by volume, distilled in Loretto, Kentucky, reminds listeners to drink responsibly. Okay, let's get to this week's stories. This week we bring you two stories from our Story Slam series and I'm sure. As you know by now, our Story slams are our open mic storytelling competitions, and Those are in 13 cities across the country. Now, the first story by Amy Rue was told live at our Story Slam series in Chicago in 2011 that's sponsored by WBEZ. The theme of the night was Jokers.
- [03:08]
Amy Rood
My sex life is a comedy. Like a lot of people, I use humor to handle difficult situations. And when I met my husband Dan in 2002, I was recovering from both a sexual assault and 20 years as a Catholic. So sex was definitely a difficult situation. So as the relationship progressed and sex entered the picture, it wasn't long before what Dan ironically refers to as sexy time involved using body parts as microphones. Tap dancing, bad stand up comedy. I developed a habit of including, you've been a wonderful audience. Don't forget to tip your server into every interaction. So I don't do sexy unless skits and musical numbers are your kind of foreplay. And. And they're really not for Dan, but he's a good sport about it, I think. A, because he thinks it's funny in spite of himself and two, because there's also sex. But he's the sort of person that makes me want to be a better person and a better wife. And a better wife would do sexy instead of going full on court jester every time we take our clothes off. But I'm in way over my head when it comes to sexy. I don't know how you do it, I don't know what it looks like on me, but I thought I found the answers last winter when my friend Michelle mentioned how much she was enjoying her pole dancing classes and the light bulb went on. And then a groupon showed up in my email the next day and I thought, that's a sign, right? So we make plans to go to this pole dancing class on a Friday night. And being the librarian that I am, I'm like, I need to do some research on this. So I go to the website and I learn four things from the class description. I learn that everybody gets sexy in there, no matter how awkward or shy you are to start with. Score. That beginners should wear long pants to avoid any kind of pole burn situation, that they serve cocktails there, which seems really weird for a workout place. And that they also have a very strict cancellation policy, which is good to know when Friday morning rolls around and Michelle cancels and it's too late for me to cancel without losing one of those Groupon classes. And I'm also kind of thinking maybe this Will be easier if nobody I know is there to witness this. So I decide to go by myself, which I realize when I get there is a reason really bad idea. I go into the locker room where I'm swallowed up by two very large and boisterous bachelorette parties. And it gets even worse when I go into the class where it's 1992 and I'm at a casting call for a Sir Mix a Lot video. There are a lot of very buxom women in crop tops and shiny hot pants. Whereas I had chosen to take the website's advice to the letter and was wearing long pants and a long sleeve T shirt in sensible cotton fabrics. So then our teacher comes in and she looks like this kind of Stripper Barbie and she puts on this really loud music that I can't hear anything over and starts a warm up. And when I say warm up, I mean spreading your legs, spanking your ass, making sexy eyes at yourself in the mirror while you flip your hair around. Or that's what everybody else was doing while I did this Frankenstein robot deer in the headlights, pantomimed puppet show. And then she starts showing us some moves on the pole and spinning around and mostly just making myself dizzy, but I think I'm finally getting it when we get to the fireman, which is exactly what it sounds like, but with ass spanking on the end. And, and she says something to me and I'm like, oh, she looks impressed. I want to hear this, but I can't hear over the deafening music. And so I'm like, what? And she's like, what's your name? And I was like, oh, oh, my name's Amy. And she's like, clasps her hands together and cocks her head to the side and gives me this really indulgent smile like you would give a toddler that's just said something kind of cute but really dumb. And she says, oh, you're sweet. It said on the website everybody, you know, everybody gets sexy in there, but Stripper Barbie just broke the news to this woman who looks like a 12 year old Amish boy that that was not happening for her. So, you know, the thing about trying new things and opening yourself to new experiences is that some of them really profoundly change your life and make you a better person. And others tell you who you are not. And I am not a pole dancer. So I finished the class and you know, I have a lot more fun after that because I'm like, I don't need to try to be sexy anymore because that's not happening. And you know, I'm high fiving these sexy stripper ladies and finish up the class. I don't use the other two classes with my group on and I go home and I tell Dan about it and he's very proud of me for just going and trying and still foolishly optimistic that I'm going to find sexy someday. And we have a really good laugh about it that night and Dan has a really good laugh about it. But when the laughter dies down, we've been a wonderful audience. Don't forget to tip your server.
- [09:15]
Dan Kennedy
Amy Rood is a librarian from Chicago. Like any good librarian, she's into books, cardigans, knitting and cats. She's also into dogs, cocktails, puns, short lived hobbies, and her most excellent husband, Dan. The next story we're going to hear by David Sampliner was told live at a story slam here in New York City Last year. The theme of the night was luck.
- [09:44]
David Sampliner
So two weeks before my partner Rachel was due to give birth to our son, I decided that we should get married. And Rachel always wanted to be married before we had a child. But she got pregnant first. And so we sort of permanently put on hold the idea of ever having a wedding. But it was the 11th hour and I decided, you know, I'm going to surprise her with this notion of going down to City hall, going to the justice of the peace and getting married before our son arrived. And so I broached the idea with her and she's ecstatic about it. And we decide we're going to go the very last day that we can go before our baby is due to arrive. And we say it's going to be Friday, May 1st. And I say, honey, I'm going to take care of everything. So I call up the wedding bureau and I get a woman on the phone and I say, what do you have to bring downtown to to get married in front of the justice of the piece? And she says, all you need is a picture ID and just make sure that you get there before 3:45 and the doors close. I say, fantastic. I hang up the phone. Wedding planned. So Friday, May 1st arrives and Rachel and I are getting all gussied up in our Sunday best. And it's 2:00 and we are about to saunter out the door. We have plenty of time to get down to the wedding bureau and Rachel.
- [11:00]
Amy Rood
Turns to me and she asks, are.
- [11:01]
David Sampliner
You sure, honey, that all you need is a picture ID to get married downtown? I said, yes, I'm positive And she immediately goes back into the apartment, turns on the computer, goes to the wedding bureau website. And as she's looking down the website, it starts to dawn on me that my research wasn't as thorough as it needed to be. It turns out you don't just need like a driver's license to get married. It turns out you need a wedding license to have a wedding in New York State. And also New York requires a 24 hour waiting period in between the time that you get your marriage license and the time that you're going to have your wedding to discourage any rash decisions. And I realize that we've got less than two hours before the window permanently closes on the idea that we can get married before having our child. And so I do the only thing that I can think of doing, which is to project this aura of extreme confidence to mask this inner sinking despair. And I turn to Rachel and I say, honey, it's going to happen. And I grab her by the arm, we go out the door and we hail a cab. We get down to the wedding bureau and we kind of collar this agent there and we tell her our story. And she says, well, it is possible to get a judge's waiver and eliminate that 24 hour waiting period. But the thing is, it's 2:30 right now. Our doors close at 3:45, and the line that you need to get into to get your marriage certificate is an hour and a half. So our hearts sink again. And she says, your only option is to trade up. And she hands us this little paper ticket with a number on it like you get at the deli counter. And we take the ticket and we think the only way that a New Yorker is going to on a Friday afternoon who also wants to get married, who's going to surrender their ticket to us and allow us to cut in line an hour and a half is if we use Rachel's pregnant belly, kind of like a beggar pulls out the mangled leg on the sidewalk to get a few quarters. So Rachel starts parading her pregnant belly up and down the aisles of the wedding bureau. And she finds someone and they're willing to trade, but it only gets us 30 minutes ahead. So we realized we got to trade again. So we take our new ticket and we walk down the aisles of the wedding bureau, and Rachel's parading her pregnant belly, she finds somebody else. And suddenly the hour and a half wait has shrunk to 20 minutes. And we wait our 20 minutes. We go to the front, we get our marriage certificate, and it's now 3:10, and we still need to find a judge and get him to sign a waiver and get back inside the wedding bureau by 3:45. Well, the state Courthouse building is actually right across the street. And it should be no problem except that Rachel's about to give birth. And so across the street is like Mars. And we are sort of crawling across the street and up what seems like 400 marble steps to the courthouse and up three flights of stairs, and we end up in the judge's chamber, and there's no judge. And the clerk takes one look at Rachel and says, I'm going to go help you find the judge. It's 3:36, and in walks a guy who looks a lot like a judge. And he glances over at Rachel's belly and he says, I'll sign. And so we grab the sign waiver out of his hand and we rush back to the wedding bureau. And just as the clock strikes 3:45, we slide inside the door. We're ushered immediately back to a room where there's a justice of the peace. And we say our vows. And as soon as we finish saying I do, the lights go off in the room and we were the last wedding of the day in New York City. And so as we're walking outside the wedding bureau after all of this and walking off into the sunset, our first moment as husband and wife. And Rachel turns to me and she says, you are a lucky bastard. And I look back into her eyes and I say the three words that really are the only three words a husband should really ever say to his wife. And that's. You're right, honey.
- [15:10]
Dan Kennedy
David Sample is a documentary filmmaker whose latest film, My Own man, explores his dysfunctional relationship with his own masculinity. His first film, Dirty Work, recently became available on itunes and Netflix. Despite his manhood issues, he is managing to raise two sons with his wife Rachel, in Brooklyn. And here's something from one of our sponsors. Meetings are essential to getting work done. But if your team is spread out in different locations, coming together can be an impossible task unless you use GoToMeeting with HD faces. With GoToMeeting, it's easy to stay connected from wherever you are. Just click on a link, turn on your webcam, and you're instantly connected to your team. You can share the same screen to collaborate on documents. You'll see each other face to face in HD video. And you can join a meeting from anywhere using your computer, phone or tablet. And you can also now present from your iPad. Don't wait. Try GoToMeeting free for 30 days. For this special offer, visit GoToMeeting.com Click the Try it Free button and use the promo code MOTH. Remember, visit GoToMeeting.com and use the promo code MOTH. Here's a note for our listeners in Portland, Maine. The Moth Main stage is coming to the State theater in Portland, Maine on Thursday, June 6. For ticketing information and for a list of all of our upcoming tour stops, visit themoth.org Dan Kennedy is a writer.
- [16:43]
Rosetta Stone Advertiser
And performer living in New York. Follow him on Twitter ankennedy.
- [16:48]
Dan Kennedy
Thanks to all of you for listening and we hope you have a story worthy week. Podcast Audio production by Paul Ruest at the Argo Studios in New York. The Moth Podcast and the Radio Hour are presented by prx, the Public Radio Exchange, helping make public radio more public@prx.org.