Andy Borowitz: Just The Facts

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Moth – Andy Borowitz: Just The Facts

Episode Overview In the "Just The Facts" episode of The Moth podcast, comedian and writer Andy Borowitz recounts his tumultuous experience writing for the 1980s television show The Facts of Life. Through a candid and humorous narrative, Borowitz delves into the challenges he faced as a novice writer navigating the creative landscape of a struggling sitcom. This story offers insights into the complexities of television writing, creative expectations, and personal growth within the entertainment industry.

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Introduction to Andy Borowitz and His Early Career

Andy Borowitz opens his story by reflecting on his early career in the 1980s, marked by unconventional choices and less-than-stellar decisions. He humorously admits to past indiscretions, such as repeatedly shouting "Everybody Wang Chung tonight," setting a tone of self-deprecation and honesty.

Andy Borowitz [01:48]: "I did a number of things in the 80s that I'm not very proud of... But there is one thing I did in the 80s that was so heinous I've never told anybody about it until tonight."

Borowitz explains that in 1984, he secured a writing position on The Facts of Life, a show he openly criticizes as "the worst television show ever produced." Despite his disdain for the show, his primary motivation was financial necessity.

Andy Borowitz [01:48]: "Given how monumentally it sucked, you may wonder, why did I write for the TV show? Well, quite frankly, I did it for the money."

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First Day and Creative Aspirations

On his first day, Borowitz observes the environment of the writers' room, noting the presence of Facts of Life logo mugs—a symbol of incentive and appreciation from the show's star, Charlotte Ray, who played Mrs. Garrett. This detail underscores the small perks and unspoken motivations behind the scenes.

Andy Borowitz [02:50]: "Charlotte Ray... would reward the writers by giving them Facts of Life logo mugs. And the better job that you did, the more mugs she would give you."

Eager to make a positive impression, Borowitz pitches his first story titled "Gamma Gamma or Bust," centered around the protagonist Blair's attempt to join an exclusive sorority. The executive producers, however, challenge him to find a "fact" or moral lesson within his narrative—a concept that leaves Borowitz feeling unmoored, as he is not accustomed to infusing his comedy with deeper meanings.

Andy Borowitz [04:30]: "She said, well, that's an interesting story, Andy, but what's the fact?... They think they're doing fucking Moliere here."

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Struggles with Creative Direction

Borowitz grapples with the producers' expectations, struggling to align his comedic style with the show's mandate for moral lessons. After agreeing on the theme "be yourself," he attempts to incorporate humor by giving the characters "funny things to say." However, his efforts are met with disappointment.

Andy Borowitz [06:15]: "They were disappointed in it... you didn't get Tutti."

The criticism centers on his character development, specifically the indistinguishability between two characters, Tutti and Natalie. Borowitz defends his writing, suggesting that differences in physical attributes (e.g., one being overweight, the other being Black) should aid audience differentiation. Despite his defense, the producers remain unsatisfied, leading to his exclusion from further scriptwriting.

Andy Borowitz [07:45]: "I held my tongue. And I sort of said, well, maybe these sounded kind of similar because they're both kind of, you know, sarcastic characters."

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Final Attempt and Ultimate Failure

Determined to salvage his position, Borowitz is paired with two other writers, the "Two Gems," to create a futuristic episode showcasing the characters 25 years later. Confident in his comedic instincts, he pitches a zany scene involving a leveraged buyout and the inclusion of George Jetson, a fictional character from The Jetsons.

Andy Borowitz [09:20]: "There's no fact here. There's no moral lesson. It's just unbridled wackiness. It's a romp."

The scene fails to impress the producers, who attribute its lack of coherence to Borowitz's influence during its creation. Recognizing his detrimental impact, Borowitz becomes marginalized within the show's writing team.

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Conclusion and Reflection

On his last day, Borowitz discovers two Facts of Life coffee mugs left on his desk—a gesture he interprets as a sign of Mrs. Garrett's recognition of his efforts, despite the show's overall poor reception.

Andy Borowitz [11:00]: "I wondered, is there any moral that we can derive from this, any deeper truth that you can all take away from this story? I think it's just this. Which is the only thing worse than being a whore is being a whore and totally sucking at it."

Borowitz concludes with a stark realization of his inadequacies as a writer for the show, using humor to underscore the lesson learned from his failed stint at The Facts of Life. His closing remark serves as a candid and humorous moral of his story, emphasizing the importance of self-awareness and competence in one's professional endeavors.

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Key Takeaways

1. Navigating Creative Expectations: Borowitz's experience highlights the challenges writers face when their creative instincts clash with established production mandates, especially within structured environments like television writing rooms.

2. The Importance of Feedback: Constructive criticism, though difficult to receive, plays a crucial role in personal and professional growth. Borowitz's interactions with producers illustrate the impact of feedback on shaping creative output.

3. Humor as a Tool for Reflection: By employing humor, Borowitz effectively conveys his personal failures and lessons learned, making the story both entertaining and insightful.

4. Self-Awareness in Career Choices: Recognizing one's strengths and limitations is vital. Borowitz's admission of being the "worst writer" on a notoriously poor show underscores the value of self-awareness in career development.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• On Writing for a Subpar Show:

  “Given how monumentally it sucked, you may wonder, why did I write for the TV show? Well, quite frankly, I did it for the money.”
  [01:48]

• On Producer Expectations:

  “She said, well, that's an interesting story, Andy, but what's the fact?... They think they're doing fucking Moliere here.”
  [04:30]

• On Character Differentiation:

  “I held my tongue. And I sort of said, well, maybe these sounded kind of similar because they're both kind of, you know, sarcastic characters.”
  [07:45]

• On His Final Realization:

  “Which is the only thing worse than being a whore is being a whore and totally sucking at it.”
  [11:00]

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Conclusion

Andy Borowitz's "Just The Facts" narrative serves as a humorous yet poignant exploration of the pitfalls of early career decisions and creative mismatches. Through his storytelling, listeners gain an appreciation for the complexities of television writing and the personal growth that arises from professional failures. Borowitz's candid recounting not only entertains but also imparts valuable lessons on resilience and self-awareness.

Transcript

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[Dan Kennedy]

Welcome to the Moth Podcast. Hi, I'm Dan Kennedy. The Moth features true stories told live without notes. All stories on the Moth Podcast are taken from our ongoing storytelling series in New York and Los Angeles and from our tour shows across the country. Visit themoth.org the story you're about to hear by Andy Borowitz was recorded live at the Moth main stage.

[Andy Borowitz]

I did a number of things in the 80s that I'm not very proud of. On more than one occasion I shouted out the phrase Everybody Wang Chung tonight. Yeah, I did that. But there is one thing I did in the 80s that was so heinous I've never told anybody about it until tonight. In 1984, I wrote for the television show the Facts of Life. I gotta say, it feels good to finally just be able to say it and get it out there. I've been holding it in for so long. Now, for those of you who somehow miss the whole phenomenon of the Facts of Life, this was a coming of age saga about four teenage girls in an exclusive prep school in Peekskill, New York. There was Blair, the sarcastic beautiful one. There was Natalie, the sarcastic chubby one. There was Joe, the sarcastic tomboy. And Tootie, the sarcastic sista. Now, watching over all of them was their mentor, Edna Garrett, also known as Mrs. Garrett or, when the girls were in full Fonzie mode, Mrs. G. Now here's another little piece of Facts of Life. It was the Worst television show ever produced. So given how monumentally it sucked, you may wonder, why did I write for the TV show? Well, quite frankly, I did it for the money. Yes, I was the sarcastic whore on the Facts of Life. That's true. But you got to give me a break. Because I was, like, right out of college, I was broke, I didn't have a car. I was taking the bus, which in Los Angeles is akin to eating out of a dumpster. Now, remember my first day at the Facts of Life? My first day I went in to pitch my first story to the executive producers. Now, these were two middle aged women who were charged with the responsibility of making sure that the Facts of Life did not lose its edge. And it was a crucial year because the show was moving from the safe confines of the boarding school into a whole new setting. A gourmet cheese shop run by Mrs. Garrett, cleverly named Edna's Edibles. It was a move fraught with risk. There was no margin for error. And that was the minefield that I was stepping into. Now, I went into their office, and the first thing I noticed was that on their desks they had these mugs with the Facts of Life logo on them. And I was like, hey, cool mugs. Where'd you get them? And one of them said, Mrs. Garrett gave them to us. Now, it turns out that Charlotte Ray, who is the actress who played Mrs. Garrett, would reward the writers by giving them Facts of Life logo mugs. And the better job that you did, the more mugs she would give you. Now, you want to talk about a fucking incentive? As if paying my rent weren't enough, there would actually be, like a mug at the end of this rainbow. So I was pretty stoked and I started to pitch out my first story, which was entitled Gamma Gamma or Bust. Now, for those of you who missed this, this was an episode where Blair, the sarcastic beautiful one, tried to get into the exclusive Gamma Gamma sorority. So I pitched out the story, the executive producers sat back, kind of chewed it over in their minds, and one of them finally spoke up and said, well, that's an interesting story, Andy, but what's the fact? And I was like, say what? And she said, every Facts of Life episode has a fact, a moral lesson, a deeper truth, if you will, that the audience can take away with them. Now, suddenly, just the room starts fucking spinning for me because I realize at this moment, they don't know the show sucks, okay? They think they're doing fucking Moliere here, all right? And I'm like, completely out of My depths, because, you know, I'm a comedy guy. I don't think in terms of, like, moral lessons. So I'm just, like, running on empty and spinning my wheels, thinking, like, stitching Time saves nine. Neither a borrower nor a lender be. You know, I'm thinking of, like, Aesop's Fables, you know, anything. Finally, with their help, we agree that the fact of my story will be be yourself. That's good. We were breaking a lot of ground with that one. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, America. So I went away and I wrote my script, and I said I would try something that had never been tried in a Facts of Life episode before. I would give the girls funny things to say. I thought that might be interesting. So I wrote the script. I handed it in. I felt pretty good about it. But then there's, like, silence. I don't hear anything from the executive producers. I know this isn't a good sign. So finally, after about a week of this, I go up to one of the executive producers, and I said, well, did you get a chance to look at my script? And she said, well, yeah, we did, Andy, and quite frankly, we were disappointed in it. And I said, well, what's wrong with it? And she said, you didn't get Tutti? And I said, well, what do you mean? He said, well, the way you wrote Tutti, you can't tell her apart from Natalie. And I'm thinking, well, the audience will be able to tell them apart because one of them's fat and one of them's black, you know. But, no, I didn't say that. I didn't say that. I held my tongue. And I sort of said, well, maybe these sounded kind of similar because they're both kind of, you know, sarcastic characters. And they took great offense at this. And she said, they're not sarcastic. Natalie is wisecracking and Tutti is sassy. So I'm just trying to make things better. And I said, well, look, you know, I feel bad about it. You know, I'll try to fix it in the rewrite. And she said, oh, no, that's all right, Andy. We'll take it from here. So now I felt something I had never felt before. From the moment I got on this show, I cared. I cared. I wanted to prove that I could write the Facts of Life. I wanted to prove that I got fucking Tutti. All right. So as the year wore on, it became very clear that the decision to move the show into the cheese shop was an unmitigated disaster, because the Girls were now gaining weight at an alarming pace. It's true. Now, to combat this, the executive producers cleared all the muffins and the cookies off the snack table and replaced them with, like, carrots and lettuce and celery. We were suddenly being catered by Farmer McGregor. Okay? The girls noticed it and they were pissed. So tensions were really rising on the show and, oh, you don't want to deal with an angry Joe, I gotta tell you. You do not. And it was at that point that I was given one last chance to redeem myself. Now, the producers no longer trusted me to write a script on my own, so they teamed me up with their two favorite writers, a couple of eager beavers on the show who were just known as the Two Gems. And our assignment was to write a futuristic episode of the show in which we would see the girls 25 years from now, and we would see that Joe the sarcastic tomboy had become Joe, a sarcastic, high powered businesswoman. And I thought, well, this is playing to my strengths. There's no fact here. There's no moral lesson. It's just unbridled wackiness. It's a romp. I am going to so score with this. So with their cooperation, I pitched out a scene in which Jo is trying to achieve a leveraged buyout of Space Lee's sprockets. And her one condition is that George Jetson must somehow be involved in the deal. Well, I never found out directly from the executive producers what they thought of this scene, but they did call the two Jims into their office and they said this to them. They said, we're very disappointed in the futuristic Jo scene, but we don't blame you because we know that Andy was in the room when it was written. So I had become like a cancer on the Facts of Life. And I guess that's why I've never had the guts to talk about this episode in my life before. Because not only did I write for the Facts of Life, I was the worst writer in the history of the Facts of Life, a show which really has boasted some of the worst writers in Hollywood history. So it's quite a distinction. Now, on the last day of the show, as the season was ending, we were all clearing out our offices. I went into my office to clean it out. I saw there was a little white box on my desk. I thought, what could that be? Went over to open it up, and there inside the box was not one, but two Facts of Life coffee mugs. And I thought, well, Maybe, just maybe, Mrs. Garrett in her infinite wisdom saw something in me that no one else on the show saw. I was so excited I went into the two gyms offices and saw that each of them had received 12 coffee mugs. Well, as I tell this story today, I wonder, is there any moral that we can derive from this, any deeper truth that you can all take away from this story? I think there is. I think it's just this. Which is the only thing worse than being a whore is being a whore and totally sucking at it. And that my friends is a fact. Thank you.

[Dan Kennedy]

Andy Borowitz is a comedian, writer and creator of the award winning satire site BorowitzReport.com the Moth is a non profit organization. Consider supporting our free podcast by going to our Podcast contribution page or by becoming a moth [e-mail] where you can also buy Moth Stores stories on CD, including today's story which is featured on Audience Favorites Volume 2.

[Leah Tao]

Hi, I'm Leah Tao. I'm the Executive and Creative Director of the Moth and I'm here to remind you about the Mothball, our annual benefit at Capital in New York City on Tuesday, November 18th. This is our biggest night of the year and the money raised at this gala help to support all of our programs, our community outreach program, our story slams, our main stage series and this podcast. This is how we stay alive and we need all of you to come out. John Turturro will be our host and we'll have stories by Garrison Keillor and Salman Rushdie. We'll also have our first ever East Coast West Coast Story Slam off judged by a special panel including Lily Taylor, Simon Doonan, Adam Gopnik, Mike Birbiglia and Nathan Englander. And there will be dinner, dancing and lots of drinks too. Tickets are on sale at the Moth. We look forward to celebrating with you on November 18th. And of course, if you can't come to the Mothball, you can always support the Moth by becoming a Moth member or by buying our CDs [e-mail] Thank you.

[Dan Kennedy]

To learn more about this and all of the Moth's upcoming shows and our corporate events and training program, Visit our website themoth.org and please tell us what you thought of today's episode. Tell us what you think of the Moth podcast in general. What do you love? What do you hate? What would you like to hear more of or less of? Email [e-mail] thanks to all of you for listening. We hope you'll have a Story worthy week. Podcast Audio production by Paul Ruwest at the Argo Network.