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The Moth
Arthur Bradford & Laura Gershman: StorySLAM Favorites
00:19:41
A man spends his second wedding anniversary in jail after getting picked up on an outstanding warrant from the Parks and Recreation department, and two sisters are dropped off at the mall as part of their mother’s elaborate ruse.
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Dan Kennedy
Welcome to the Moth Podcast. I'm Dan Kennedy. So cats have kind of been featured a lot recently on the podcast. It seems like every time you turn around lately on the podcast, there's something about a cat. We wanted to show a little love to dogs this week, so we're looking through some recent audience slips here at the office that are going to go nicely with a great dog story we have coming up. And, and we found these at one show. We asked the audience tell us about a time an experiment was successful or went completely awry. And this person wrote, as a kid, I locked my dog in the bathroom with the intent of picking the lock and rescuing her, a la Nancy Drew. Well, that's wonderful. Create the drama, then swoop in and solve it. Could get a huge career doing that in some fields. Then it says, needless to say, I gave up on my dream of becoming a super sleuth and my poor dog never forgave me. Wow. So they just left the dog locked in the bathroom. That's not the time to change your mind. Dog's just in there smoking cigarettes for like an hour, reading every magazine it could find. Here's. Here's one where we asked the crowd, tell us about a time you got burned. And this audience slip says, my grandpa spilled his hot coffee onto my arm when I was a baby. He blamed the dog. That is, that is really. That's a stretch, sir. Poor dogs catching all the heat. Our first story this week comes from Portland, Oregon. From our story, Slam there, the theme of the night was outgrown. Here's a personal favorite storyteller of mine, Arthur Bradford, telling a story that I think you're gonna love.
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Arthur Bradford
Okay, so it's the evening of the afternoon of my wife and I's second anniversary and we had just had a newborn baby and she went to go take the baby to her parents. And we had this plan to go out to dinner that night and have a grown up celebration. And I went with a friend of mine to go take a walk with my dog down on the waterfront. This is in Brooklyn and there's a park that was under construction and you could get in by going through a hole in the fence. And we were standing there looking at the Manhattan skyline and my friend Tom is like, hey, man, I've got a joint. You want to smoke a joint? And I'm like, you know what? Just had a kid. It's my second anniversary. I've kind of outgrown all that. And so I say, no, thanks. And just as I'm saying that, these two cop cars pull up and there's this siren goes off and there's a group of people who have also gone into this closed park. And the cops tell us all to leave, and we crawl out through the hole in the fence, and they're like, we're not going to write you tickets, but we do want to see your licenses to check and see if you have any previous warrants. And so they do that, and Tom and I are kind of wiping our brows, being like, good thing we didn't smoke that joint, right? And then the cops come back, and they're like, all of you can go, except for you. And they point to me, and they're like, you come to the precinct with us. And I'm kind of indignant because I'm like, what's the problem? And I give Tom my dog, and I'm like, take this dog home and tell my wife I'll be back for our anniversary dinner. And then I go down to the precinct, and I get put in this cell with this fellow Hector, who's like. He's kind of spacey, and his hair is all matted into one big helmet sort of thing. I can't quite get why he's in there, but it has something to do with falling asleep on a rooftop. And. And then these two Polish brothers come in and join us, and they had just, like, beaten the shit out of some guy for, like, a drug deal that's gone bad. And then the cops come to me, and they're like, this is like, a couple hours later. They're like, we figured out why you had a warrant from the parks and recreation and you had a dog off leash. And I did actually, like, this is, like, way years ago, I had this dog off leash, and I had contested it, and then I had moved, and I'd forgotten what happened, but apparently they'd assigned me a court date, and I hadn't shown up. And so I had a warrant for my arrest. I was like, oh, okay, well, I'll just pay the ticket and I'll see you fellows later. And they're like, no, you have to go down to central booking and see the judge. So we all get handcuffed together, and we're riding in the car down to central booking in Brooklyn, and the pull. His brothers are like, you no tell that you are here for dog off leash. You have to say that you're here for assault. So you can't say that you're in for dog off leash. And the cop is driving. The car turns. He's like, yeah, you can't say that you're here for dog off leash. And Hector's asleep at this point. So we end up at Central Booking, and it's like, nighttime at this point point. I'm like, I'm gonna miss my dinner with my anniversary dinner. And so we get, like, when. We keep going down and down, and Central Booking in Brooklyn is like this catacomb, and we get. We keep going into these different waiting rooms. And every room has a payphone, but it's always broken. And on the floor, there's always, like, this scattering of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. And I can't figure out what's going on. I keep wanting to find a payphone because I gotta call my wife. And finally we get put in this big cell with all these other criminals. And there's a pay phone over by the toilet, which is, like, not a pretty sight. It's just like this open pit. And I go over to the payphone, I pick it up, and it has a dial tone. And they let us keep our wallets. And so I, like, get. I actually have a calling card at that point. And I call my wife, and I'm like, hey, did you get the note from Tom? And she's like, yeah. And I'm like, I don't think I might make it. I say that I might make it for dinner. That's kind of what I do a lot of times. And she's like, but I'm not going to make it for dinner, obviously. And she picks up on that, and she's kind of worried, like, why are you in jail? And I'm like, dog off leash. But I don't. You know, I'm like, assault. It's actually assault. But then it keeps getting later and later, and I'm. I'm trying. I've told everyone I'm in there for assault, by the way. And then it's like, I can't tell. You can't tell what time it is. And all the guards are in a terrible mood, and they come. I figure out why there's so many peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on the floor, because they come with this big box of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that the inmates and Rikers have made for us. And they're in wax paper. And so I'm like, I don't want to eat that because I don't want to have to use the toilet. But then this guy Paulie is like, man, take as many of those as you can. You got to take as many of those as you can. So I take some, and I figure out why, because they say the court's closed, and you're spending the night here. And the reason you keep the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches is for a pillow at night. So now I'm going to make a long story short. I assumed in the morning I'd be getting out, but I actually spent a second night in the court. And finally, me and my friend Paulie, who told me about the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, get taken out to see the judge. And the judge sentences Paulie to three years in Rikers for cocaine possession. And then I get to see the judge, and the judge is like, dog off leash. And everybody who's with me is like, what the fuck? I thought you were into a song. And then. And I feel so bad for Paulie because he's got to go to Rikers that I give him my calling card because everyone was jealous that I had a calling card. And so I get out, and my wife won't let me hug her because I smell like shit. And she won't let me hold the baby and everything. And I go home, and I did. The truth is, I didn't actually outgrow smoking weed. I still do that. But I did get a bill in the mail later for $350 that Polly had charged on my calling card. And I did learn from that experience to always pay my bills. So I paid that bill. Thank you very much.
- [11:37]
Dan Kennedy
Story there from Arthur Bradford. Arthur is a writer and filmmaker whose latest book, Turtle Face, was published this spring by Farrar, Strauss and Giroux. He lives in Portland, Oregon, where he works part time at a juvenile detention facility. For our second story today, another funny story, we're gonna go to our Pittsburgh Story slam. I said story like nine times there. I get a dollar every time I say it. The theme of that night was duped. Here's Laura Gershman.
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Laura Gershman
I'm gonna bring you guys back to the early 90s. I'm like 10 or 11 years old, so we just finished eating dinner in my family, and my mom says, so tonight, girls, I have an older sister. She's three years older than me. I'm going to drop you guys off at the local suburban shopping area, and I'm going to go. I have some business to take care of. She didn't really specify what kind of business. And you guys are going to have a night just to hang out and shop by yourselves. And I definitely found that odd because my mom had never, like, voluntarily asked us to go off at night by ourselves, especially. I'm 10 years old and my sister, she's 13. But you have to understand about my Sister. She is oddly very trusting of strangers and she has always been. I remember a time when we were at the playground, I was probably five and she was, you know, eight and she actually walked up to a strange person on a bench, sat down next to them, cuddled up next to them and asked if she could go home with them. And she would do things like this just all the time. She was just, she loved strangers. So anyway, so my mom drops us off, you know, boots us out of the car. We're just standing around. There really wasn't that much for kids our age to do at this outdoor shopping area. There was like a stop and shop and I think there was a record store and there was an ice cream store. So we're standing around and within the first five minutes of us kind of standing around this area, this man walks up to us with a camera and he says, oh, hello girls, I'm from the local newspaper and I'm doing a story on things that kids do after school. Would you like to participate in the story? And my sister goes, yes, yes, absolutely, yes. And I'm like, okay, sure, whatever. So he starts interviewing us and I don't even remember the questions. And then he said, okay, I'm going to take a picture of you, okay? So he starts focusing his camera and then looks at his camera and realizes he doesn't have any film in his camera. So he's like, oh, girls, I'm so sorry, I must have left my film in my van. Just come, just come with me. I'm parked over there like in the back of the parking lot. Just come with me, follow me to my van and I'll get the film and take your picture. And my sister's like, yes, okay, where's it? She's just, she just, you know, is like in front of him on the way to the van. And so I'm like, wait a minute. I, you know, I'm the level headed sister here. I'm sort of in charge of my 13 year old sister even though I'm 10. So I'm just like, okay, slow down, we'll wait for you guys. We'll wait for you to get your film. We'll just wait here, okay? And he's like, no, no, no, it's really cool. I'm just, it's right over there, take five minutes. I'm like, no, we're going to wait for you here. We're not. And he keeps on insisting, insisting. And I'm getting more and more worked up and upset and scared and my sister's like fighting with me. She really wants to go to the van. So. But I put my little 10 year old foot down. I was like, no, we're not going to the van. So finally this guy gives up. He goes off into the parking lot and I am so distraught at this point, I'm crying and bawling and I'm thinking, what do I do? What if this guy comes back and tries to get us to go the van? And so I'm thinking, okay, I need to tell an adult. My mom had dropped us off. I didn't even know where she was. So I'm looking around and I see one of my teachers come out of Marshall's. Mr. Hernandez. He's this humongous science teacher. I think he was, he was like ex military or something. He always reminded me of the Rock. He's just huge. So I'm like, oh, thank God. So I go up to Mr. Hernandez and like telling him the story. I'm bawling and he's getting so upset and he's like, oh, we need to find a police officer. So Mr. Hernandez goes looking for a police officer and he actually finds one like down next to stop and shop or something and gets this police officer over. The police officer comes, starts getting description of this guy from us. And you know, I'm still just distraught and Amy's just, my sister's just so mad at me for messing her chance of getting in the local newspaper. So anyway, so the copy, the cop stays with us and you know, tries to calm me down. And Mr. Hernandez goes like off into the parking lot trying to find this guy. He's like ready to pound this guy's skull or something, you know, how. So I'm just waiting around and it seems like 15 minutes has gone by. I don't know where my mom is. So we're just standing there and this van comes, comes rolling right by us. But it's a like Action News 8 van. And it slows down and stops right in front of us. The door slides open and my mom's in the van. There are all these cameras and I'm like, what's going on? And my mom's kind of like smirking. She's like, uh, I set you up. So we ended up we were part of this like expose of what would your kids do? Kind of thing. So I was so livid at my mother and the only good thing I could take out of it was that I got pretty much anything I wanted for the next week or so from her act. She felt pretty bad. But about a week later, actually we got to see the actual news story. They had done this with, I think three other sets of kids and we were the only kids that didn't go to the strange man's van.
- [18:47]
Dan Kennedy
Laura Gershman is a classically trained oboe player living in Pittsburgh. She's worked as a barista, freelance musician, adjunct college professor, receptionist, line cook, personal chef, and is currently plotting her next career move. Well, both of the stories this week came from our Open Mic Story Slam series where anyone can come out to the show and put their name into the hat or attractive moth logo satchel or whatever we happen to be using that night. And if you get your name pulled, you get up on stage and tell a story. And we're excited to announce the launch of two new monthly story slams in Melbourne and Sydney, Australia with our media partner Australian Broadcasting Company. So for the first Melbourne Slam, it's going to be August 24th at Howler, and our first slam in Sydney is going to be at Oxford arts factory on September 1. The theme for both of those slams is Firsts. So for our Australia listeners, you have a couple of weeks to get your stories together. We'd love to hear you. And for tickets and information on those shows and all of our upcoming shows, just visit themoth.org thanks for listening. We hope you have a story worthy week.
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Squarespace Voice
Dan Kennedy is author of the books Loser Goes First Rock on and American Spirit. He's a regular host and performer with the Moth when he's not on Twitter.
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Dan Kennedy
The Moth Podcast is produced by Whitney Jones. Moth events are recorded by Argo Studios in New York City, super supervised by Paul Ruest. The Moth Podcast and the Moth Radio Hour are presented by prx, the Public Radio Exchange helping make public radio more public@prx.org.