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- [00:00]
Dan Kennedy
As we approach the end of the year, I'm thinking about the next. Next year is the year I finally make my Spanish better than my 9 year old's. Rosetta Stone is the most trusted language learning program available on desktop or as an app. And it truly immerses you in the language that you want to learn. I can't wait to use Rosetta Stone and finally speak better than my 9 year old who's been learning Spanish in his own way. Rosetta Stone is the trusted expert for 30 years. With millions of users and 25 languages offered. SPE, Spanish, French, Italian, German, Korean, I could go on fast language acquisition. Rosetta Stone immerses you in many ways. There are no English translations, so you can really learn to speak, listen and think in that language. Start the new year off with a resolution you can reach today. The Moth listeners can take advantage of this. Rosetta Stones lifetime membership for 50% off, visit rosettastone.com moth that's 50% off. Unlimited access to 25 language courses for the rest of your Life. Redeem your 50% off@RosettaStone.com moth today.
- [01:08]
Bill Burr
Welcome to the Moth podcast. I'm dan Kennedy. Visit themoth.orgevents for details on our summer tour shows all across the country. The story you're about to hear by Bill Burr was told live at the moth back in 2003 when we visited the US Comedy Arts Festival in Aspen. The theme of the night was When Worlds Collide, Tales from the Clash.
- [01:34]
All right, thank you very much. All right, this is my story. I was dating this girl like, like two years ago. Been dating her for like eight months, and she wanted to meet my parents. She was really giving me shit like, how come I haven't met your parents? And, you know, I always just, I never liked, you know, I never brought anybody home to meet my parents. I was like 30 years old. Never met, brought anybody home, never. I didn't ever like meeting people in general. I didn't want to meet her parents. I always hated when you had to meet, like, you know, go out with somebody, you gotta, like, meet their friends and shit, you know, sitting at the table, trying to be interesting. I usually end up just sitting there staring at like mashed potatoes or some shit. So she's like, you know, how come, what's wrong with you? You know, how come you don't want to meet me? You know, bring you home to meet your parents. I started thinking about it like, you know, not only had I never brought anybody home, you know, a girl home, and I was 30 years old. I'd never brought anybody home. Even like back in like first grade, like second grade. I mean, I had friends and shit, I just never brought them home. So I started thinking like, you know, how the hell did that start? You know, as, you know, as we're basically driving up from New York to go to my house to finally my parents. And I remember like, I think it was like when I was first grade, we used to have a bus stop and it was like right out in front of my house and my parents used to always be arguing and my dad was like a maniac, you know, always screaming, God damn fucking bitch. You know, just total psycho. My dad was like a complete psychopath, you know. Like his nickname in my house was called the Thing because that's what he was. He was like, he was this fucking thing that like, if he wasn't around, we say, dude, is the Thing home? You know, if he wasn't home, you could chill. He's just like never in a good mood. So one day I'm down at the bus stop, there's like, you know, 10 other kids down there and shit. We're all like in first grade, second grade, third grade, waiting for the bus. And it's like towards the summertime, so my parents got like the windows open and shit, so I can start to hear like an argument starting like, well, what the fuck do you mean you didn't. And I'm sitting there sitting, like, please, please let the bus come, please for Christ's sake. All of sudden, you goddamn fucking bed screaming and shit. And I remember just looking at all the other kids, looks on their faces like, I guess, you know, this is like way before cable, so most kids never even heard curses. They couldn't believe it. And I was just. That's when it really hit me that, man, my family's really, really screwed up. And I started going over other kids houses and their parents seemed to get along and they were like, cool. And so the whole time I'm driving back, my girlfriend coming up, all this stuff is like coming back and I'm thinking and I really get like, oh, like, like I'm a 6 year old kid again, like getting all nervous, like how my dad, dad is gonna like act because it's like embarrassing, you know. I mean, I remember like, like he was one of these dudes where like, I don't know, he's just always in a bad mood. Like if you try to like teach you something, he'd say it once and then when you didn't get it, he'd just say it louder and louder. And I remember sixes going, this guy is. He's retarded. Like, I remember we got a dog, and he's trying to teach this dog how to sit. All right, It's a dog. It doesn't speak English. And he's sitting there going. He's, like, going, all right, sit, little puppy. Sit. Sit out. You're gonna get over there and you're gonna sit out. Dog sitting there, like, walking around, like, peeing. Like, what the is wrong with this guy? That was, like, his thing, man. Everything. Like, in my house, my parents, they were, like, ridiculously strict. They had all these stupid rules. Like, I remember they had, like, this one rule. Whatever you didn't eat for dinner, they would just, like, wrap it in cellophane, and you had to, like, eat it the next morning for breakfast. And there's, like, everybody sitting, eating their, like, pancakes and waffles. You're, like, eating, like, cube steaks and shit. Dad be going, come on, eat it. I don't want to eat it.
- [05:27]
Eat it.
- [05:31]
So I'm, like, driving back, and that's all I'm thinking is, like, God, this guy's just gonna completely embarrass me. And I don't know. Like, it's just. I just felt weird. Like, my family was, like, the, you know, most famous, like, loving. Like, build somebody up. Like, our family was just all of us just, like, ripping somebody down. Like, I think the worst thing he ever did to me, this is the one that really kind of made me, like, the anxious, like, worrisome person that I am. It was right around Christmas. I was really thinking this because I was driving this girl up for Christmas. He. He was giving me shit one day. He always hated when I was joking around. I think making my mother laugh somehow was, I don't know, bug him or whatever. So he kept giving me shit. Come on, man. You know, Keep joking around, you know, giggling all the time. You're acting like a little girl. And I'm thinking, like. Cause he's always fucking with me. I go, oh, God. Here's a new angle. You know, you ask him for a football for Christmas, you're acting like a little girl. What the fuck's wrong with you? And I'm just sitting there going, jeez. So, like, two weeks later, it's Christmas time. I got, like, four brothers, right? We always sneak down to go look at the presents. So we go downstairs, right? There's all these gifts down that all wrapped, and we're all looking to see who Got what? You know, there's all these little tags to Ed from Santa. You know, be like, you know, to Bob from Mom and dad or whatever. And I'm sitting there. Just wait a second. So I look in, like, the middle of the tree, I see there's a doll. And I'm thinking, I got four brothers. What the fuck? Is there a doll sitting here? And I remember just looking at this thing. You ever see, like, those Spike Lee movies where, like, the background moves and the character doesn't? You just. It's like one of those deals. And I look up at this doll, right? And it says, to Bill from Santa. And I'm like, what the fuck? Guy got me a goddamn doll. He came downstairs and he's laughing and shit, and he's making me take a picture. I'm like six years old and crying and stuff. And I'm thinking of this shit as I'm pulling into the driveway. And I'm, like, freaking out because I'm finally gonna bring somebody home to meet this fucking maniac. And I'm telling her, you know, I don't know how this guy's gonna be or whatever. So we walk into the house. You know, it's like, candles and shit, you know, Christmas tree. It's all real nice, dim lights and stuff. She comes in, she meets my dad, and the dude is, like, totally normal. After me building this guy up, the whole ride back, he's like fucking like. You know that dude from Leave it to Beaver? He's, like, the nicest guy ever. He's all cordial. And I remember I'm just getting, like, pissed at the guy going, why isn't he being a dick? And she's sitting there taking me aside, going, he's the greatest guy. And he's like, I can't believe he's saying all that stuff. He's such. He's, you know, he's smart, he's intelligent. He's so interested in what I have to say. I remember I was like. I was so pissed at the guy. I mean, I really hated him when I was growing up to the point. I remember one time he went out the driveway, and he's running out to his car, and he slipped and fell and broke his shoulder. And at that point, me and my brother so fucking hated this guy when he came to the house and I was, like, taking care of him. We snuck out the back door to look at his footprints in the snow to see where he slipped and fell. And I'm telling you, we were laughing our asses off. At this guy. You're right there. Right there. That's right. Fuck. Why couldn't I have seen that? So, so he ended up being like the sweetest guy ever. And there was nothing anxious about it, like worried about it for like, I don't know, from the beginning of time dating girls, like 15. And I just ended up feeling really stupid and I was kind of pissed. I was just looking at the guy going, why the fuck couldn't he have been like this, you know, 20 years ago when I needed him to be like that rather than, you know, being the way he was. And that's my story. Thanks.
- [10:00]
Bill Burr first gained notoriety for his reoccurring role on Chappelle's Show. He went on to become a regular performer on the Late show with David Letterman and his very own HBO special. Bill's most recent project was an hour long comedy special entitled why Do I Do this? It aired on Comedy Central and it's available in stores and on billburr.com oh hey, also, I wanted to mention I'll be doing a couple of gigs out west. It'll be an evening of reading and comedy. It will be myself along with Kevin Samsel and B. Frayne Masters and other special guests. Gonna be in Portland, Oregon June 22nd at the woods and and in Seattle, Washington June 24th at Theater Off Jackson. So check out entertainmentforpeople.com to get tickets and information and all that stuff. And I hope to see you when I'm out there.
- [10:56]
Dan Kennedy
Our podcast host, Dan Kennedy is the author of the book Rock An Office Power Ballad. Learn more@rockonthebook.com thanks to all of you.
- [11:05]
Bill Burr
For listening and we hope you have a story worthy week. Podcast audio production by Paul Ruest at the Argo Studios in New York. Podcast hosting by PRX Public Radio Exchange helping make public radio more public@prx.org.