Boris Timanovsky: Pen Pal - The Moth

Summary

Episode Summary: "Boris Timanovsky: Pen Pal"

Podcast Information:

Title: The Moth
Host/Author: The Moth
Episode: Boris Timanovsky: Pen Pal
Release Date: November 29, 2010

Introduction

In this heartfelt installment of The Moth, Boris Timanovsky shares a personal narrative from his experiences as a father navigating the complexities of children's communication and cultural expectations. Recorded live at the Moth main stage in 2009 during the Penn World Voices Festival, the story delves into themes of responsibility, generational differences, and the unintended consequences of seemingly simple promises.

The Pen Pal Assignment

Boris begins by setting the scene of a business trip abroad, where after a long day, he and his colleagues seek refuge from work-related conversations through drinking and casual talk. It is during this relaxed evening that Vlad, a fellow traveler, mentions his nine-year-old daughter Julie's English class assignment to find a pen pal. Vlad requests if Boris’s eleven-year-old son, Joseph, would be interested in corresponding with Julie.

Boris (02:13): "And this guy Vlad says that his nine year old daughter Julie has an assignment in her English class to find a pen pal and he asked if my son Joseph would be willing to correspond with her. I said sure, of course he would."

Joseph's Reluctance

Upon returning to New York, Boris brings up the pen pal assignment with Joseph, only to be met with refusal. Joseph's silence on the matter puzzles Boris, who speculates that Joseph's reluctance stems from his education about romantic love and the responsibilities associated with it, contrasting fun activities like PlayStation gaming.

Boris (02:22): "Joseph is 11. And the way they teach him in school is romantic love is not a part of the curriculum yet. But on the other hand, they are already taught about abstinence and how sex leads to pregnancy, and pregnancy leads to additional responsibilities."

Taking Responsibility

Facing the prospect of breaking his promise to Vlad, Boris decides to take matters into his own hands. He creates a new Yahoo email account to facilitate the pen pal correspondence, hoping to bridge the gap for his son.

Boris (03:10): "But what am I gonna do? I don't want to break the promise that I'd already made to Vlad. So I thought, how hard can it be? I'll do it."

He diligently checks the inbox, only to find it empty at first, leading him to believe he might be free from the commitment. However, his hopes are dashed when he eventually receives an email from Julie.

Correspondence Challenges

Boris grapples with how to respond to Julie's simple, innocent questions. Late at night, under the influence of alcohol and fatigue, he struggles to compose a suitable reply. His resulting message is a blend of fanciful dreams and personal quirks, reflecting his internal conflict and desire to connect meaningfully.

Boris (04:10): "So I ended up writing to her that my favorite color is blue because it's the color of the ocean and I have a parrot, and when I do my homework, my parrot is sitting on my shoulder."

The next morning, instead of a reply from Julie, he finds spam, deepening his anxiety about the correspondence.

Reflections and Family Influence

As Boris reflects on his response, he delves into his childhood memories, recalling conversations with his family about his aspirations and cultural expectations. These memories highlight the tension between personal dreams and familial expectations, particularly regarding his desire to become a sea captain—a dream not widely supported within his family.

Boris (06:00): "I remember telling my parents that I want to be a sea captain. And my mom said that she's not aware of too many sea captains who are Jewish."

These reflections serve to underscore the personal barriers Boris faces in fulfilling his own dreams, juxtaposed against his attempts to support his son's social connections.

The Breakdown of Correspondence

As days pass without a response from Julie, Vlad contacts Boris to inform him that Julie no longer wishes to be Joseph’s pen pal. Concerned about Joseph’s feelings, Vlad asks if Boris has read any of Joseph's mail, to which Boris admits he hasn't. This revelation forces Boris to acknowledge the impact of his interference on the young boy's social life.

Boris (10:00): "He sent it back to me, and yes, he got it right. And I don't know how long an average pen pal relationship lasts, but I felt that hours had run its course, and this is how it ended."

Continuing Connections

Despite the initial breakdown, Boris maintains occasional communication with Vlad, providing updates about Joseph and humorously reinforcing the earlier fantasy of being a sea captain.

Boris (11:00): "Sometimes when Vlad calls, he asks me how his pen pal is doing and does he still want to be a sea captain? And I tell him that, yes, his pen pal still wants to be a sea captain very much."

This ongoing dialogue highlights the lasting effects of their brief correspondence and the whimsical dreams that persist despite life's practical challenges.

Conclusion

Boris Timanovsky's story encapsulates the delicate balance between honoring promises and respecting the autonomy of one's children. Through his narrative, listeners are invited to contemplate the unintended consequences of adult interventions in children's social lives and the enduring nature of childhood dreams amidst adult responsibilities.

Notable Quotes

Boris (02:22): "Joseph is 11. And the way they teach him in school is romantic love is not a part of the curriculum yet."
Boris (04:10): "So I ended up writing to her that my favorite color is blue because it's the color of the ocean and I have a parrot..."
Boris (06:00): "I remember telling my parents that I want to be a sea captain."
Boris (11:00): "Yes, his pen pal still wants to be a sea captain very much."

This detailed recounting by Boris Timanovsky provides a poignant look into the intersections of parenting, cultural expectations, and the innocent aspirations of youth, making "Pen Pal" a memorable and relatable story for The Moth audience.

Transcript

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Dan Kennedy (1:08)

Welcome to the Moth Podcast. I'm Dan Kennedy. The Moth features true stories told live without notes and all stories on the podcast are taken from our ongoing storytelling series in New York, Los Angeles, Chicago and Detroit and from our tour shows across the country. Visit themoth.org this episode of the Moth and the special insider survey for our podcast are both brought to you by the new 2011 Hyundai Equus. Discover the Hyundai Equus, the new premium luxury sedan from Hyundai offering first class refinement and features, and take the insider survey for our podcast@podcast insidersurvey.com that's podcast insidersurvey.com the story you're about to hear by Boris Timinovsky was recorded live at the Moth main stage in 2009 and it was part of the Penn World Voices Festival. The theme of the night was you say you want a revolution. Stories about change.

Boris Timinovsky (2:13)

I was overseas not that long ago on a business trip and my last evening there we all went out and by then everyone was sick and tired of talking about work. So we drank and we talked about other things like kids and families. And this guy Vlad says that his nine year old daughter Julie has an assignment in her English class to find a pen pal and he asked if my son Joseph would be willing to correspond with her. I said sure, of course he would. Then I fly back home to New York and I tell Joseph and Joseph says no and he wouldn't say why. But I figured it must be because Julie is a girl. Joseph is 11. And the way they teach him in school is romantic love is not a part of the curriculum yet. But on the other hand, they are already taught about abstinence and how sex leads to pregnancy, and pregnancy leads to additional responsibilities. So if Joseph came to associate girls with additional responsibilities and with less playtime as a consequence, like, less time for his PlayStation, I can't blame him for that. But what am I gonna do? I don't want to break the promise that I'd already made to Vlad. So I thought, how hard can it be? I'll do it. And I went to Yahoo, and I opened another email account there, and I forwarded it to Vladimir, and I wrote to him that, yes, Joseph would be happy to be Julie's pen pal. And I checked that mailbox a few times in the week that followed, and it was empty. And I thought maybe I was off the hook. And then one night I came home late, and I lived by myself. So I checked my match.com messages first. And then I went to this new email account, and there was an email there from Julie. And I read it and I thought, yeah, I can do this. Because she wasn't asking me any difficult questions. She wasn't asking what I learned from the past relationships. She wasn't asking what my true intentions are. She wasn't asking if I'm really divorced or just separated. All she wanted to know was, do I have a pet, what my favorite color is and who I want to be when I grow up. But an hour later, I still didn't have an answer. Because what was I going to say? That it would be nice to make senior vice president by the time I'm 40? The reason I don't have a pet is because I dread the thought of coming home one night and finding it on the floor. Dad. That I've just gone over every color of the rainbow only to conclude that each color has some sort of an unpleasant memory connected to it. It was hard to concentrate. It was late. I wasn't fully sober. My match.com screen kept blinking because somebody without a photo wanted to chat. But I tried to remember. I tried to remember how I would have answered Julie's questions years ago. So I ended up writing to her that my favorite color is blue because it's the color of the ocean and I have a parrot, and when I do my homework, my parrot is sitting on my shoulder. And when I grow up, I want to be a sea captain and my parrot and I will Sail around the world. And when I woke up the next morning, I turn on my computer and this is usually when I check my match.com messages again. But this time I was more interested in what Julie had to say about that whole sea captain thing than in the messages that I had waiting for me. Waiting for me from my adult female, open minded, easygoing, down to earth, outgoing and adventurous pen pals that were written in response to the very adult messages that I sent to them. And there was an email in that mailbox and I felt nervous about opening it. And I opened it and it wasn't from Julie. It was spam. Something about signing up to have affairs with married women or signing up to find out if your wife is having an affair, something like that. But I kept checking for new mail almost. Almost hourly that day. And in between checking for new mail, I asked myself all kinds of questions like, okay, so you wanted to be a sea captain. And then what happened? And I. And I remembered, I remember telling my parents that I want to be a sea captain. And my mom said that she's not aware of too many sea captains who are Jewish. And my grandma said, what about Christopher Columbus? He was a Jew. And I remember everybody looking at my grandma not saying anything because pretty much anything my grandma said was ignored because she kind of lost her standing in the family ever since she was seen crying at President Brezhnev's funeral. And my dad said that Christopher Columbus doesn't count because he had converted. And my other grandma, who always argued with my mom no matter what the topic, she said what about her cousin's husband who was an accountant for a cruise line? And my mom said it's not the same thing. And my grandfather said he doesn't know about captains, but what he does know is that TV repairs is a pretty damn good business to be in. And he said that one should look no further than his nephew Alec. His nephew Alec was a TV repairman. He visited us every couple of months whenever our old TV broke. And he walked around with this beat up old rectangular briefcase filled with spare parts, shapes and sizes. And he always looked like he was tired all the time. And I was remembering all of these things. And I remember how I was dreaming about standing on the bow of a ship with the sun in my face and with the wind in my face and the ocean wave splashes in my face. And I thought that so much has changed since then because now if I'm thinking about being in a ship, I see myself walking up and down the deck of Some cargo ship anchored somewhere in the vicinity of Staten island in a fog with nothing but those old, rusty shipping containers around me and how lonely it probably feels. And so I kept waiting for Julie's message, and nothing was coming from her. And. And about a week later, Vlad called with some war questions. And then he said that he was really, really sorry, but Julie didn't want to be Joseph's pen pal anymore. And I said, why? And he said he didn't know why. And I thought maybe it's because he didn't ask her any questions. And Vlad asked me if I read Joseph's mail, and I said no. So he read it to me over the phone, and then he said that Joseph would probably very upset if he didn't hear from Julia again. And I don't know what made me say that yes, he probably would be. And Vlad said that if Julie wasn't gonna write to Joseph, then he would. I said. I told him not to worry about it, but I must have sounded really upset because he said that, no, he'll write to him, only he wanted me to tell him what to write. So I said, I'll think about it. And a week later, he called to remind me. And I was in the middle of something, and I looked at this postcard from Florida that I had in my cubicle, and I said, well, how about this? Dear Joseph, my favorite color is also blue, and my favorite animal is the dolphin. And when I grow up, I want to be a scientist and study dolphins and live on a deserted island in the middle of the ocean all by myself. And maybe you and your parrot can visit me there sometimes and bring me food and scientific supplies. And Vlad said that he liked it, and he asked me to type it up and send it over to him because he wanted to make sure that he got it right. And I typed it up and I sent it over, and he sent it back to me, and yes, he got it right. And I don't know how long an average pen pal relationship lasts, but I felt that hours had run its course, and this is how it ended. But sometimes when Vlad calls, he asks me how his pen pal is doing and does he still want to be a sea captain? And I tell him that, yes, his pen pal still wants to be a sea captain very much, because if he didn't. And what does he want to be? Thank you.