Transcript
Rosetta Stone Advertiser (0:00)
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Dan Kennedy (1:08)
Welcome to the Moth Podcast. I'm Dan Kennedy, and in this episode we're gonna dive right in with just stories from the archives. No themes, no topics this time around. Just two great stories that we love. The first one is from Brianna Wolfson. She told this at a Moth Grand Slam in San Francisco, and the theme of the night was Fish out of Water. Here's Brianna Wolfson live at the Moth.
Brianna Wolfson (1:35)
Hey guys. So for my eighth birthday, I received four gifts from dad. Nike high tops, an Erector set, a soccer ball signed by Mia Hamm, and from Mom, a dollhouse. So the best thing about having divorced parents is that you get two sets of presents on your birthday. Anyone else? Yeah. And the worst thing about having divorced parents is that you are torn into two pieces. One piece becomes loyal to mom and the other loyal to dad. So this was a particular challenge for me because dad loved me most when I walked off the soccer field with scraped elbows and dirty knees. And he was happiest when he was timing me maneuver through the obstacle course he set up in our backyard. And mom, on the other hand, loved me most when I walked down the stairs in hot pink leggings and glitter Converse. And she was happiest when we would wear matching lipstick and puck our lips up and sing Kiss by Prince. So my parents were divorced when I was five years old. And even then I was able to recognize what an impossible task it would have been for one Person to satisfy each of their visions for what a good daughter looked like. So at five years old, I became two people. A sports obsessed backwards hat wearing tomboy for dad and a sparkle loving lip gloss wearing girly girl for Mom. Getting into character for each of my parents was pretty easy. The real skill was required in executing my transition when it was time to change houses. Oh, just drop me off and I'll walk around the back, I would super casually suggest. And then I would slip into the tool shed at dad's house or under the willow tree at Mom's and I would swap my denim skirt for a pair of breakaways. I did this Tuesdays, Thursdays and every other weekend for four years. I remember this one time when I was seven years old, I nearly blew my cover. I rang the doorbell at dad's house before changing out of my frilly socks. And just before dad could open the door. I mean, I could see it now, like a movie, the door creaking. In a moment of sheer panic, I bent down, I ripped the lace from the top seam and I swallowed the decorative foot trim whole. Yes, I did. It's probably still in there, this clothes swapping ritual. It always felt really logical. Clever even. I could be a tomboy and a girly girl and back again. And I never had to be both at the same time. And mom was happy and dad was happy, so I was happy. But when I was nine years old, things really started to unravel. Mom died in a car accident on our way to visit me at sleepaway camp. As dad delivered the news to me, I just sat there quietly thinking about my last moments with Mom. We were decorating that dollhouse. I thought about our trips to the toy store, picking out miniature tables and armoires and chairs. I thought about spending long afternoons in my bedroom, swapping around all the furniture in the rooms. I thought about how hard she laughed watching me prance around in her high heels. I thought about my brand new dress she got me with the flowers on it I would definitely never get a chance to wear. I thought about what my life would be like not only without mom, but also without half of myself. I couldn't let dad see the other side of me. When I moved to Dad's permanently, I took my dollhouse with me from Mom's. I knew it would be out of place in my trophy lined blue room and that it would probably most definitely confuse dad. But I just needed it there. In the months following my mother's death, I would wake up in the middle of the Night, missing her so much that my body ached. The only relief I could find was sneaking into the bathroom in the middle of the night when I knew dad was asleep and putting on some red lipstick I had stolen from my stepmother's drawer. On particularly restless nights, I would sit in front of the dollhouse, pathologically moving around the tiny furniture. On several occasions, I tried building up the courage to ask dad to buy me a dress, But I never could. So over time, I decided to push the little girl out of me. It was too painful having her around at all. By the time I was 10 years old, I pendulumed so far towards tomboy that I completely stopped brushing my hair. My fourth grade teacher called my parents after she overheard me telling Tracy Dub that it was okay for girls to pee standing up. Oh, yes, we made a very big mess. I was sent to the principal's office when I pulled my pants down in the middle of the classroom to prove to Jason Levine that I didn't have a penis. And in the ultimate display of my masculinity, I wore a tuxedo. Tuxedo. To my aunt's wedding. Bow tie, cummerbund and all. This one night, I woke up, and I couldn't get back to sleep. And I just couldn't stand the sight of that stupid dollhouse anymore. So I grabbed the meanest, rustiest hammer I could find, and I destroyed my dollhouse with it. I slammed down on that thing with every ounce of strength in my small body. Whack. Whack. Whack. The splintering wood cut through my fingers until they were bleeding. When that dollhouse was just pieces of wood at my feet. I walked into the bathroom to wash up, and I looked in the mirror. My face was streaked red from using my bloody hands to wipe away my tears. My eyes were glistening, and my hair was long and shiny and wavy. I still had that hammer in my hand. I looked like a warrior. A beautiful little warrior, which is exactly what I was. I loved what I saw in the mirror. It was intense and delicate and strong and feminine and athletic and pretty. And it was in that moment that I realized that I could be all of those things and still be me and still be one person. Here I am, 15 years later. I am strong. I am whole, and I am a woman. I still love what I see in the mirror. The destruction of my dollhouse gave me that gift. Thank you, guys.
