Loading summary
Transcript33 lines
- [00:01]
Peter Sagal
The Apple Watch Series 10 is here. It has the biggest display ever. It's also the thinnest Apple Watch ever.
- [00:08]
Dan Kennedy
Making it even more comfortable on your.
- [00:09]
Peter Sagal
Wrist whether you're running, swimming or sleeping. And it's the fastest charging Apple Watch, getting you eight hours of charge in just 15 minutes. The Apple Watch Series 10, available for.
- [00:20]
Dan Kennedy
The first time in glossy jet black.
- [00:22]
Peter Sagal
Aluminum compared to previous generations. IPhone XS are later required. Charge time and actual results will vary.
- [00:30]
Unknown Storyteller
As we approach the end of the year, I'm thinking about the next Next year is the year I finally make my Spanish better than my 9 year olds. Rosetta Stone is the most trusted language learning program available on desktop or as an app, and it truly immerses you in the language that you want to learn. I can't wait to use Rosetta Stone and finally speak better than my 9 year old who's been learning Spanish in his own way. Rosetta Stone is the trusted expert for 30 years with millions of users and 25 languages offered. Spanish, French, Italian, German, Korean. I could go on fast language acquisition. Rosetta Stone immerses you in many ways. There are no English translations, so you can really learn to speak, listen and think in that language. Start the new year off with a resolution you can reach today. The Moth listeners can take advantage of this Rosetta Stones lifetime membership for 50% off visit rosettastone.com moth that's 50% off unlimited access to 25 language courses for the rest of your Life. Redeem your 50% off@RosettaStone.com moth today.
- [01:39]
Dan Kennedy
Welcome to the Moth Podcast. I'm Dan Kennedy. This podcast is brought to you by Audible.com, the Internet's leading provider of audiobooks with more than 85,000 downloadable titles across across all types of literature. For the Moth listeners, Audible is offering a free audiobook to give you a chance to try out their service. You may like to consider listening to a book by Adam Gopnik. In addition to being one of the Moth's regular storytellers, Adam writes for the New Yorker and is both narrator and author of several books on Audible, including Paris to the Moon and Angels and Ages. You may select a work written and often read by Adam Gopnik, available on Audible. To try Audible free today and get a free audiobook of your choice, go to audible.comthemoth that's audible.comthemoth so last week we presented you with the first half of the first ever Chicago Grand Slam hosted by Peter Sagal. In celebration of our 200th podcast episode this week we're going to pick up where we Left off with 35 stories to go on the theme into the Wild. And in the end, we'll find out who won the first ever Chicago Grand Slam.
- [02:59]
That was beautiful. I got a beer. I was sitting there looking out at you all and just feeling intensely jealous. And now I am one of you. This beer thing, it's pretty good. I understand why you do it. Ladies and gentlemen, we're about to start the second half of the program. Our second five, our second set of storytellers. Jeff about to come on stage. If I can find the right. Oh, here it is. Put it in my pocket. We're going to start with Lawrence Kearns, but before we do, before we do, I just want to remind you that in the back of the theater, you saw it, you'll see it again. Rather, the front of the theater entrance, there's a merch table. You can buy all kinds of moth stuff. Stuff to impress your friends, terrify your enemies. Also, we want you to sign up while you're here. Is that right? There's a place for them to sign up for the mailing list. There's no place for them to sign up. Go online. You can do it even before you turn your cell phones off, because I know you all turn on your cell phones and you tweeted. I'm sorry, I haven't tweeted for the last hour. I wasn't able to, but I'm alive, world. Well, you can use those phones later because you have to turn them off now and sign up online. There's Facebook. You can connect with the Moth at the Moth website. Facebook, Twitter, the usual social media. Please do that so that they can find you. Come to your house and take your things. That's how they support themselves. Actually, ladies and gentlemen, we're just about ready to get started with the second half of the program. So please give it up for storyteller Lawrence Kearns.
- [04:50]
Lawrence Kearns
A few summers back, I came up with a great idea to build a full scale replica of Thoreau's Walden cabin in the backyard with my teenage daughters. So on a perfect day for building the foundation, I find them hanging out in the living room and I make my pitch. So who wants to help me make some concrete today? Not me, says Caroline. I'm going to Lollapalooza. No way. Gillian says, I need the car to go to the mall. What was I thinking? It was like, would you girls rather go to a rock concert or shopping at the mall or mix some concrete? So I just said, girls the car isn't going anywhere until the concrete is in the ground. And then I went out and waited by the garage. When they shuffled out of the house, Caroline was wearing soccer shorts and flip flops. Jillian was still wearing her pajama pants and fuzzy pink slippers. All I say is, nice shoes. Then I pack up the wheelbarrow and we head out to the backyard where there's a little pond. Jillian flops down in the grass like this and says, I don't want to stand around here all day stirring cement in a wagon. I'm like, gillian, it's not cement. It's concrete. And it's not a wagon. It's a wheelbarrow. I really think you girls should learn the difference. Why? So that when your history teacher tells you the pioneers traveled west in covered wagons, you won't picture a long line of wheelbarrows with canvas tops. About an hour later, Caroline has been shoveling sludge, and she says, why can't I just hang out with my friends? You hang out with your friends all the time. No, I don't. I never get to do anything with my friends. Because you always want us doing things with you. She's right, dad. Gillian says. You want to be together with us too much. It's unnatural. It's not unnatural. It's poignant. That's all I wanted, a little poignancy. Like when they were little girls. They could hardly wait for me to come home at night when I'd take take them walking in the woods. We'd get to the clearing and the trees leaned back and the sky opened up and we could see the moon and the stars. We had our own little universe. Sometimes I'd hold a flashlight and pretend to be the sun while they orbited around me. Caroline would be the Earth. Gillian would be the moon. Around and around they went until they tumbled into the grass, laughing and dizzy, and begged me to tell them a story. Then suddenly, they became teenagers, obsessed with texting friends and going on Facebook. No time anymore for walking in the woods, but back to our new foundation. Eventually, we establish a rhythm. I turn over a lump of the mix. Jillian adds some water. Caroline rakes it back and forth until it's smooth. It feels good making concrete with my daughters. But then I have to go and open my big mouth. Hey, this isn't so bad, is it? I'm not going to lie to you, dad. Jillian says, it is that bad. Why can't she lie a little? By the time we finish, the sun is going down and we're Exhausted, all we have to do now is let it set. But then Caroline points at the foundation and says, oh, my God, dad, look. Swimming in the pool of slush, struggling desperately to get out, is a little frog. No big deal. I pluck him out, rinse him off. He hops away. But then Jillian says, oh, no, there's more. I look down into the hole, and now there are frogs everywhere. Multitudes of frogs, biblical numbers of frogs, popping out of little burrows, falling into the pool of concrete, swimming for their lives. I'm thinking, I can't get all these frogs out of there. It'll ruin everything. Then I hear my daughters scream, save them, Daddy. You have to save the frogs. That's it. I drop to the ground, plunge my hand in and start to scoop out frogs and wet concrete by the handful. Caroline rinses them off with the hose, and Jillian makes lots of sympathetic noise. We're liberating the frogs, but we're making a gigantic mess and destroying our new foundation. When the last frog was finally saved that day, I stood up, brushed myself off, and looked at my two daughters standing there. They looked weary and they looked muddy, but for the first time all day, they looked happy.
- [11:12]
Dan Kennedy
Lawrence Kearns, ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Lawrence. Lawrence, come back. Ellen is chasing Lawrence offstage. Here we go. You got the name? All right. Our seventh storyteller evening is Louis. I'm gonna say this wrong. Louis Mingiani. Is that right? Mingione. Louis Mingioni. Get ready, Louie. Daughters. I have daughters. I have three daughters. This is a true story. Last night, I'm Talking to my 10 year old, my 10 year old into bed. She looks at me, she says, papa, she says, you know, you're book smart, but you're not street smart. True story. What? She's 10. She just finished brushing the hair in her stuffed lion, and she's like, you're not street smart. This though. This though is like the same daughter. Another true story. I open up the trunk of my car to put something in it, and she looks in the trunk of my car and she says, again, quote, that'd be a great place to hide from the police. I knew. I knew I should not have let them watch the wire. It was probably a mistake. She goes, it's just a game, Papa. She says to me, anyway, you guys ready with some scores? What do we got down here? All right, things that Tarzan yells, Ready, Stella? Tarzan does Community Theater. 7.5 from the Tarzan Yell. Oh, they're not liking that. You're not getting a lot of love for that. But that's your call, you guys. Oh shit. Where's my bare bell 7. Oh, these people are gonna rise up. Fortunately it's dark and they can't find you. Your last score from Brian. Brian's team, Brian, 8.6. They like that more. Well done. Just went again. Give some props to Brian Babylon, who in addition to being a judge tonight is the host of the regular story slam over at Martyrs and a fine stand up comedian in his own right. Just want to remind you again, buy your drinks, tip your weight, stick staff here at Park West. A great place. And now it is time to bring up to you Louie Mingione. Louie, you're on. Let's do it.
- [14:02]
Peter Sagal
When I first mentioned the theme tonight to my fiance, Kathryn, she said you should tell that story about how you went down on that girl with a huge bush. And while that, that may be a good story, it actually got me thinking about how wonderful and funny and just great my fiance is. And I thought I'd share with you the story of how I fell wildly in love with her. And it was the spring of 2007. I was living the single life here in Chicago, frequenting, you know, the hangy uppy and that kind of crap. And I mean, there's no better place to be single than Chicago except for maybe Southern California, which is where I was headed in about three months. My job was rotating me out there for a year to Orange County. And I only had one rule for the time that I was left here in Chicago, and that was don't get attached. Because I was going to go out there and I was going to have a wild and crazy time, find some silicone boobies on the beach and just, you know, enjoy myself. So that was my only rule, no strings. And it just so happened I got invited to a wedding by a platonic girlfriend who was the maid of honor for her sister. And the wedding was up in Wisconsin. She really just wanted to bring a date so her parents wouldn't be like, why didn't you bring a date? And I was going to have to fend for myself because she was going to be off with the bridal party and stuff really didn't sound too appealing to me. And then she mentioned there would be an open bar and. And I'm a nice guy, so I said I would go with her. I don't remember too much of the ceremony, but after that I remember leaving the church and seeing this beautiful woman with fair skin and freckles and long reddish hair. She had an amazing smile. And she was wearing this tight black dress. And I said, note to self, meet her at the reception. And proceeded to head to the reception. Now, I mentioned there was an open bar there, but it was one of those ones where it's only until dinner, like a cocktail hour. So I had to drink my 10 Jack and diets really fast. I didn't actually drink 10. It was probably like six or seven. But anyway, after the cocktail hour ended, I stumbled my way over to the table that I was at. And to my surprise and thrill, sitting at this table with me was the woman from the church. And the first thing we did when we sat down at the table is everyone around the table went around and introduced themselves. And when it got to her, she said, hi, my name's Kathryn and I'm engaged to be married in three months. And I was, like, dead to me. You know, I've done a lot of things, but I don't, you know, waste my time with taking women. There are too many single girls out there. And so, as it turns out, there were no single women at this table. And that's fine, because I was drinking and everything. I should probably mention this, too. While she was only three months away from her engagement, she was in attendance alone. Her fiance was out of town on business, and she was there representing them both. But again, she had an engagement ring off limits. And with the pressure off from no single women there, I was really myself. I could really relax, let some audible farts out and do whatever it is I want to do. And, you know, we talked a little bit. She's a badger from Wisconsin, so am I. We had a lot in common. And, you know, as the night progressed, we went out on the dance floor, everyone's dancing, having a good time. And I was thinking, man, I'm really liking this girl. She's just like me, but without the penis. And I guess she was thinking the same thing too, because she said, I have this idea. She said, you know, everyone here knows I'm engaged and we shouldn't be dancing together. But if I catch the bouquet and you catch the garter, we'll have to dance together. That's like the rule thing. And I thought, that's not a bad idea. So for the bouquet toss, they do this one where they line up the single women or unmarried women in a circle around the bride. And she just throws it. And I swear she threw it 180 degrees from where Catherine was standing. And Catherine dove across, taking out two flower girls, and came up with the bouquet, like, just totally Victorious. And she told everyone. You know, she was just so aggressive because it was her last time to catch the bouquet before getting married. But she kind of looked right at me like, this is for you. And I was like, what am I in for? And the garter toss came next, and I didn't catch the garter. I remember it being, like, shot way across the other side and a guy just snatching it out of the air. She tells a story that it landed right at my feet, and I kind of kicked it away, but I don't really remember either way. We didn't get to dance together then, but we ended up eventually dancing together that night. And I remember because the huge rock on her engagement ring scratched me multiple times on my arm. And I was, like, thinking, thank you for the reminder. That's good. I know. God, that's off limits. But, yeah, I was just. I was falling for this girl, and. Too soon. The night ended, and I walked her out to her car. It was kind of this drizzling rain. And here again, our stories diverge a little. She claims that I pushed her up against the car and kissed her. And I distinctly remember her pulling me up against the car and kissing her. Either way, we shared like a spider man kind of rainy, Tobey Maguire, Kirsten Dunst kind of kiss. And then she was getting in her car to leave, and I just said, you know, your fiance's a lucky man. Which, in hindsight, you know, was he really. He leaves her alone for one wedding, and she's making out with random dudes in the parking lot.
- [19:53]
Dan Kennedy
But.
- [19:58]
Peter Sagal
She drove off, and I probably would have never, never seen her again if it weren't for Facebook. So, you know, with a little mutual stalking, we met up a few more times. I got a few more scratches from her engagement ring, if you know what I mean. And I told her, I can't do this. I'm going to California, and I don't even know this guy. You're getting engaged? And she had some decisions to make. And believe it or not, she was addressing the invitations to her wedding, and she. She turned to her mom and said, I can't do this. She called her wedding off. It was the biggest decision she's ever had to make in her life. And we've been together ever since then. We're living together, we're engaged. We're getting married this May. And I cannot be more happy to make her my wife. But I will be damned if I let her go to a wedding without me before then. So thank you.
- [20:55]
Dan Kennedy
Louis Mingioni. Lisa Nigro is up. Am I saying that right? Nigro. Lisa. Nigro. Nigro. Come on up. Lisa, get ready. You're going to go in a few minutes. In the meantime, while we give the judges a chance to contemplate the moral turpitude of Louis Girlfriend. Excuse me, sir. Or I should say so you think. Let's check on the moral turpitude of you bastards. Survival skills of the audience. My ability to consume large quantities of alcohol without dying yet. Let's check on this. Is the person who wrote this still alive? Give me a clap. That's everybody. Pretty much. Do I admit that? Laughter? Working with fifth graders every day. Bless your heart, whoever you are. I couldn't do that on a bet. I am fantastic at. I'm not going to read that because it's more than I wanted to know, and I'm going to spare you. All right, this one's a little lengthy here. We'll read this one. Willpower is my most tested skill. Excellent handwriting, whoever this is. Willpower is my most tested skill. Among others. After a major car accident in northern Wisconsin, I willed myself to stay alive for four hours while I waited for medical attention. That is impressive. That bastard who steals lunches is feeling pretty bad now. Cannibalism. If you have to ask, you weren't the one. All right. Wanna hear my Tarzan yell? Boo. That's Tarzan at a Cubs game. No. All right, what do you guys got? Oh, come on. People are waiting for the next story. They don't want to hear my Tarzan yel. What do you want to. What do you have? 7.3 from the Tarzaniel. That's what we call in the professional entertainment industry a smattering of applause. Man versus wild versus T. Rex. What do you guys say about Louis? 7.7. All right. And lastly. Oh, shit. Where's my bare bell? 8.1. There's some love for the love. Very good. All right, ladies and gentlemen, Lisa, you ready? Lisa Nigro. Do it.
- [24:01]
Lisa Nigro
Thank you. Awesome. 20 years ago, I was a Chicago police policemen on the west side of Chicago, the Austin neighborhood. And we call it the Wild, wild West. Some of the old timers wore jackets that said fort forgotten. And so I loved my job because it was a 12 block by 12 block square of murder and mayhem. I saw it all. I loved every day. So here's what happened. One day, burglary in progress. I show up, first one on the scene with my partner, Mark. We're on a particular block in the west side, which is midway park, which happens to have all these Victorian mansions, which is crazy because it's a very poor neighborhood. It's the only place this one block. So these people live there, they're very wealthy, and they're butted up against Oak park so they think they're safe. We walk up and we see the door is wide open. So we, we. We run in. Burglary in progress. The lady's purse is right there on the table. Door wide open, pitch black house. I'm like, damn. So Mark goes, all right, we got to clear every room before we go. We have this whole procedure. We have. I pull my.357 Magnum, we go in every room. So, you know, just like on tv, high, low, high, low, high, low. You know, we're clearing every room, we clear every room. All of a sudden, I get halfway in the middle of the house. I hear this noise. I think, what the fuck is that? And I look at Mark, I'm like, do you hear that? And he's like. He's like, yeah, I do hear that. Well, okay, before I go on with the story, I just want you to know I have seen brains splattered against the wall. I have seen guts poured out of bodies. I've seen burned crispy critter bodies. I have seen skin hanging off people. I am totally cool with that. Totally cool. But what I am not cool with is Freddy Krueger movies like Chucky, that freaky little freak thing that, you know, I am not cool with that because those little things are in my house. If you go see the movie, they're in my freaking house or under my bed. I don't know. But I am not cool. So I am convinced the is a chainsaw being, you know, geared up and chopping this person up a stairs. So I'm like, mark, do you hear that? He's like, we get to the second floor, second level. High, low, high, low. Now we have, you know, anytime you hear. They're like, we. We might need some assistance. People come all come in there. I have convinced everybody that it's a chainsaw upstairs. Everybody's kind of. Except for one guy, the sergeant. Sergeant Kaiser, old school, smokes like this, flicking cigarettes. He says to me, oh, yeah, kid, like, it's gonna be a chainsaw. I'm like, you hear it? And it's getting louder. All right, we get to the top. We get to the top of the. Every freaking floor. It's completely black. We get the top. We're like gonna shoot each other because we're jacked up like, so high. We get to the door. I get to the door. I'm. You know, I'm gonna prove my point, right? So I just go, bam. I open the door like that. I open the door, and what is there is this giant fan. Like, this giant fan. And Sergeant Kaiser looks at me. He's like, oh, yeah, fucking chainsaw kid. I'm like, oh, I. If I was a guy and he had a heart on, it would go. Because I was like, oh, oh, all right. So I. I'm. I don't stop. He walks in the room. But the fan is not like the little ceiling fan or the, you know, hyper. It's the fan that, like, the models, you know, like, there's a woman laying in bed totally naked, like, glistening in sweat. Her.
- [27:50]
Dan Kennedy
Her.
- [27:51]
Lisa Nigro
Her robe is up overhead. The sergeant's like, well, you're the only fucking broad hair. You have to wake her up. So I. I'm like, oh, my God. I can't believe there's this woman totally sound asleep. I go like this. Ma'am. Ma'am. Chicago Police. Chicago police. And I swear to God, out of a dead asleep, she. She jets up and she goes, what? And I'm like, holy. And I freak out. These guys are pissing in their pants. They're like, oh, but this is so funny. I was like, okay. Ma'am, Chicago police. Look at me, all right? Burglary in progress. I say the address, Midway Park. She looked at me and she goes, that's not my address. Like, shut. Okay. These guys over here are like, this is so funny. We have to go down the stairs. I'm like, I'm so embarrassed. So I'm walking down the stairs, you know, walking on my. And. And Sergeant Kaij is like, oh, yeah, kid. You know, I can't wait to tell this story.
- [28:49]
Byron Flick
This is great.
- [28:49]
Lisa Nigro
I already smoking a cigarette. We get downstairs, these two guys jet up out of the basement. I totally forgot there was another attack team with us. They jump. They scare the crap out of all of us. And they go, hey, Lisa, come on over here. I think you'd like to see something. I go, what? They come downstairs. I go downstairs, and in the basement is a dominatrix sex dungeon. And there's the bungee chair. You know, the thing you sit in, you sex on. There's the. There's the handcuffs. There's the blue black leather mask. There's that outfit like that. There's the lips to change. I. It was so awesome. All the guys come downstairs. They're hanging with me. They all come Downstairs. And they're, and they're looking, they're like, oh, this is awesome. And then the woman was like, okay, well, thank you, officers for coming. And I was looking mighty fine that day. And I know all my partners that day, I'm sure they made another visit to her. Thank you.
- [30:05]
Dan Kennedy
Ladies and gentlemen. Give it up. Thank you, Lisa. All right, we're going to give birth. Byron Flitch, the two minute warning. You're up next. The bar for F bombs has now been raised. I think I've been waiting for that because I get tired of public radio sometimes. I want a little. I want a little fuck talk. I do. I also, I gotta tell you this, and I noticed this earlier when I was walking around. You guys are like so much hipper than my regular audience, and I'm so grateful. You guys are my regular audience. You know, when we do the show in downtown Chicago. Wait, wait, don't tell me. Shall we say it's a more comfortable crowd? Shall we say a little older, A little, you know, you guys are you. You guys look like the people they would hire to play my audience in the movie version of my life. And I'm totally grateful for that. Are you guys ready? Are you guys ready with a score? All right, I should have Lisa come up and do the Tarzan yell, but I'm not going to. So what is it? 9.3. Lisa Nigro. I think we know what the Tarzan yell team likes. I think we know they're into the F bombs. Ladies and gentlemen, what is the score from man versus wild versus T. Rex? 8.9. We have a contender for the lead. Let's see what. Oh, shit. Where's my bear? Bell has to say 8.0. 8.0. Yes. 8.0, ladies and gentlemen, that's the score. All right. Did you get that? So Tarzan was nine point. Tell me your score again. Nine point three. They're looking good. All right, ladies and gentlemen, we have two more storytellers to go. First, let's hear from Byron Flitch, ladies and gentlemen. Coming right up.
- [32:20]
Byron Flick
So I'm standing in a pink kiddie pool in my boxer briefs, soaked with a drag queen who looks sort of like Tyra Banks spraying me with a garden hose. I'm at a pride party, there's a DJ spinning in the background, there's tons of flowing booze, and there's a shower contest. I was in the shower contest. Exactly. Here's the deal. I had just moved to the city, 20 years old from Wisconsin. I was wide eyed. And a month after I moved Here, my aunt decided to accidentally out me. My parents, who are uber conservative, totally wrote me off, literally disowned me. And since they were helping me pay for rent in school, I was broke. Really broke. So when I showed up to this party and a friend of a friend of a friend who invited me said, hey, they're having a shower contest and you can win a thousand bucks, it seemed like a really, really good idea. But you have to know this about me. I'm not the type of guy that just drops trou at a dime. I mean, I'm a good kid. I was in 4H. I mean, I was from Wisconsin. I was a Cub Scout. I hold doors open for old women. I don't get naked in showers. But the deal is, when someone disowns you, your parents, or if anything bad and you feel alone happens, you start doing things. You get a little crazy, you go a little wild. And I decided that I needed to be a little wild. And I figured after a couple of cocktails, this could be an easy job. So I drank five or six tequila shots in a row. Hammered, drunk as a skunk. So the shower contest was on this third floor balcony in this courtyard. There was tons of people drinking in balconies and below. And as I walked up, I noticed my other competition. They were two bulky dudes. They looked like strippers or like porn stars. And with this, like, vegetarian body that I had at the time, I was not competing against that. And I was freaking out. I was like, oh, my God, what am I doing? What am I doing?
- [34:26]
Lisa Nigro
What am I doing here?
- [34:27]
Byron Flick
But it was too late, because the drag queen host had already made the announcement that the party was about to start. And I sort of remember just like, freezing and looking into the audience. Everybody was sweaty because it was this August summer sun, but I knew I had to do this. I knew I had to get wet. Wild and crazy. Everyone's just, like, foaming at the mouths for this, right? So the first guy gets into the. Into the. In the kiddie pool. And he was gorgeous. He looked like Hercules. I mean, you know what I'm saying here? He had, like, this chiseled jaw and this perfect smile. It, like, tinged when he opened his mouth. He, like, posed in the shower as the drag queen sprayed him. And he was in this tiny bikini that was white and see through the crowd was just going insane about this guy. The Dragoon was actually smacking his ass as the water just splashed, like, glitter off of him. It was the most disgusting thing I had ever seen. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. The next guy, he was this Italian stallion, dark hair, taller than the blonde one. Dark skin, gorgeous body. And in the water, when he would get splashed, he would pose like a high fashion model, smiling with his eyes. The audience, the drag queen was going crazy. I swear to God, someone threw their underwear at him. And then it was my turn. And I know in my drunken haze that I had to do something to step above these dudes. Like, I mean, I'm telling you, I'm five seven. I was tiny. I was like. I was like 140. And these guys were beautiful. So I decided I had to step it up. But I didn't know what to do. All I knew is I had to step into that pool, which was freezing cold, and do my business. This dirty rap song comes on. So I'm like bumping and grinding and, you know, shaking the hips. And I start taking my shirt off and people start whooping. I drop my shorts and there I am, you know, in my boxer briefs. I'm feeling good, I'm feeling good, I'm feeling good. But I wasn't getting the crowd's attention. You know, the drag queen screams, I want more. And the crowd screams that they want more. And so I decided to. You take off my underwear. Seriously, has anyone else taken off their underwear in public? Because I was the only one that did this at this party. So there I was, cupping my balls with both my hands and grinding. The crowd went flipping nuts. The drag queen came in. Drag queen came in and she just rattled on behind me. Everybody was screaming. I was in this beautiful moment. I mean, my God, I was living this wild dream. My parents had just shown me I didn't even belong in this city right now. I was broker than a joke. I was going to win this contest. That thousand dollars. I looked over at that jar. Ben Franklin was in that jar, winking at me. That cash was mine. And then the music cut, the lights went out, and I was standing there dripping in this pool. So I stepped out and I grabbed my clothes because I was still completely naked and I was shivering. And I walked up to the drag queen as she was walking away, and I was like, when do we find out? When we win? And she's like, puts her hand to my face and her press on nails touch my skin. And she says, you're adorable. And she walks away in slow motion. Like a lifetime for women movie. So there was no money. Actually, there was no contest. I found out that these, these two strippers were hired professionally and got paid. I was the only one that volunteered myself. I was devastated because I needed to pay rent, but because I felt incredibly embarrassed and alone. How did this happen? You know, like, I moved to this city. My parents found out I'm gay. They disown me. This should never happen to anyone. No one should ever feel this alone. But I did. But I got through it. And after 10 years, 10 years later, now I met some incredible friends. And actually, my parents are pretty cool and they love my partner and things are different. But you learn lessons of survival to sort of get through what you have to go through to become who you are now. Many lessons. Lessons like how to cup your balls when you're dancing in a wet shower contest. That lesson is priceless. Thank you.
- [39:01]
Dan Kennedy
Byron Flicks, give it up for him. And of course, we got one more storyteller to go. That's Shannon Kaysen. Have you noticed it's kind of become like the moth grand slam after dark in the second half here. So Shannon's getting ready. Hang on. I figure it's time. Just one more round of too much information. Let's see here, because these are the things you wrote down. Don't blame me. This is again, Survivor skills, picking the right friends. I nearly drowned a few years ago while body surfing. I don't know what the next word is. I was caught in strong undertow and I had almost given up swimming for sure when my best friend rescued me. Very good. Too old to read this in my glasses. Let's see here. Survival skills again. Being both funny and a lawyer. Quippy Latin skills, et cetera. My brother lives in Colorado. We went out to visit him and we went, colorado, brother, what are you clucking for? And he lives near Telluride. And we went out to Telluride and there's a guy named Rowdy who you can go horseback riding with. And we took my daughters up and Rowdy is this big character. He's got a mustache, he's got a hat. He's from Wisconsin, which he'll tell you. My daughters are riding his horses around his paddock and having a good time. And he's talking to me and he says, what brings you out here? And I said, I came to visit my brother. Oh, really? Yeah. I said, yeah, he lives over in Ridgeway, around. Over the mountain. Oh, yeah? What does he do there? And I said, he's a lawyer. And Rowdy went, oh. And I said, no, no, no, he's one of the good lawyers. And Rowdy said, oh, when did he pass? What Is your survival skill Tai chi? Slow moving ninjas. All right, do we have some scores for Byron? What do you got, guys? 7.9. Well done. We look to our next team. Man versus Wall versus T. Rex, 7.8. And our last score from. Oh, shit. Yes. 7 5. All right, we have come down to it, the 10th and final Storyteller of this first ever Chicago Grand Slam Storytelling Contest. Please give it up, please, for Sean Sperling. Shannon. I read the wrong one. I'm sorry. This is Shannon Case that I pulled up the wrong piece of paper. I'm sorry. My fault. Sorry.
- [42:06]
Shannon Kaysen
I wish I was named Shawn so I wouldn't get all that. That's a girl's name, but I'm originally from Detroit. I just like to say it's not the shithole you think it is. You know, I seen the depictions on movies and on tv. It's smokestacks, abandoned buildings, hopeless unemployment, crime, running wild, fucking alligator shoes. It's not that bad. My story doesn't depict that, but it's a wonderful city in the 90s. I was a. I was a positive, optimistic teenager. I wasn't into using drugs or drinking. I wasn't. I'd never sold drugs. I was just into pretty much getting good grades, reading comic books and writing. So I wasn't getting much pussy either. I'm gonna be honest with you. I was all my friend's mother's favorite positive peer influence, including my own mom. And I was even in the positive hip hop like Tribe Called Quest, De La Soul, gangstar, Public Enemy. So when I saw y'all like Tribe Called Quest. So when I. When I saw Tribe Called Quest was coming to town, I had to get tickets with my best friend, O'Neil. O'Neil was a little bit more fascinated with the hood life than me. He was. He was corny, too. He wasn't street, but he was more fascinated with. He was more of a rebel. He was more willing to try new things. He spit a lot, too, like Bodhi from the Wire. You know the Wire? He do it. He spit like that. But I was the alpha of our friendship, so things pretty much went the way of my corniness and boring positivity. So we prepare for the concert and we get in our baggy clothes. That was popular in that era. And O'Neal got some 40s, and, you know, he knew I didn't drink. He's like, shannon, man, come on, let's drink. Get drunk, man. So he compelled me pretty good, so I'll go ahead along with it. And we're riding in his 85 Mercury topaz, and we stopped to get some gas and we're buzzed and we're blasting Tribe Called Quest scenario as loud and distorted as it can blast from an 85 topaz. You know, here we go, yo. Here we go, yo. So what's the, what's the, what's the scenario? Y'all know that song? So in my wonderful city, in my beautiful city on the rise, a man with a brown paper bag, he comes up to the window and he pulls out a handgun and puts it into the window and says, give me your shit now. Your shit for two broke teenagers was about $11 between both of us. So we pass it over to him and he looks at it and he's looking around and he looks at it and he's bouncing the handgun in the car nervously, mostly at me. And he's like, you gotta do better than this shit. Pull down your pants. Now, pulling down my pants was something. Wasn't something. That's odd. But it was kinda odd. But what it was was a lot of. A lot of drug dealers would keep drugs or money in their underwear under their ball sack. So I wasn't gonna argue with him about how I abhorred drugs in my community. And I tried to be a positive influence while always trying to be a cool kid too. I wasn't gonna argue with him. I just pulled down my pants and right there with my flaccid penis on the Topaz car seat, I could imagine the guy shooting me. I imagined it. I imagined my mother showing up at the crime scene and the broken 40 ounce bottles and crack cocaine got in there somewhere. And me with my pants pulled down and my inseparable best friend right next to me with my pants pulled. So that really didn't happen. It was just my imagination. But out of my daydream, the gun actually goes off and the guy runs away. Now, the first thing I did was look down at my dick and it was still there. Then I checked the rest of my body. That was important too, but it was no holes in the rest of my body. I looked at O'Neal, he's somewhat important. No holes in O'Neal, but it was a hole in the center console, right by one of the cup holders. And then time and sound and everything just came back to us. And I'm like, o'neal, get out of here, man. And he's a little flustered, you know, he tries to act street. He gets out of the car. So I'm like, o'neil, get back in the car and drive out of here. So he spits. I guess that's a nervous reaction. He spits and gets back in the car, and we drive off. So we get to the concert. Of course we go to the concert. Why wouldn't we go there? We go to the concert. We don't call the police. We're two drunk teenagers driving black, too. You know what I'm saying? We don't call the police. We don't call our parents. That'll be the end of going out forever. We just get to the concert. And O'Neal brags to my friends with friends, we meet up there about, you know, man, these streets is wild, man. This shit, shit, shit crazy out there, you know? It validated his hood experience. And me, I sat in the back, still nervous, holding myself, cupping my balls, like cupping myself and nodding to Tribe Called Quests. Oh, my God. And I just like to thank that guy, my two daughters, especially for his bad A.
- [48:39]
Dan Kennedy
Shannon Casey, ladies and gentlemen. That's an amazing thing. Shannon Casey, ladies and gentlemen. That was great. I just. We're waiting for our judges to come up with the scores for the last of our 10 storytellers, which will determine tonight's big winner. Interesting. I was just thinking about just things I've observed sitting back there listening to all 10 stories. Love plays an important part in these stories, I've noticed. Home, finding it, wherever it might be, plays an important part, I think was a theme tonight. And also penises. No, seriously. I'm not quite sure, but I think every single. Almost every single guy telling a story tonight managed to somehow slip into the story that they had a penis. I don't think it came up with a guy who built the cabin with his daughters that didn't. But everybody else was like, well, then I checked in my pd. It was there, and it's like, what is that? Is it like people who say, well, you know, I pulled up in my Mercedes. Just want to let you know I have one. Is that I think we're finding out what. What really goes on in the subconscious of the American storytelling male. Mine is my own business, by the way, so don't. Don't get excited. All right, final scores for Shannon. Here we go. From the back. 9.0 man versus whatever. 9.3. All right. And, you guys, I'm gonna try this one last time, even though I cannot do it. I cannot do this. Here we go. Ready? I'll try beating my chest. No, can't do it. What is it? 9.3. Listen, I was warned this is the math part of the evening. It's going to take a few seconds. And while she tallies up the scores and we reveal our final winner, I just want to share one story with you. In addition to trying to come up with stories to tell myself and listening to them, like these 10 great stories you heard tonight, I also collect ones. And this is perhaps my favorite. And it also explains a little bit why I love the moth. And I love a lot of other things that I love, like the theater in particular. And it's a story that happened to a friend of mine named Morgan Janess. When she told me the story, she was a dramaturg. That's somebody, if you don't know, who works at sort of like an editor of play, somebody who works with playwrights. Now she's a literary agent in New York City. And the story was that when Morgan was a young woman and living in New York City, she had trouble. She came from a difficult background and had trouble finding herself and was very uncertain of herself. And for whatever reason, she had become obsessed with Mother Teresa. For some reason in her young mind at the time, this is around 1980, 81, Mother Teresa was the epitome of human beings, the best kind of human there was. And Morgan so much wanted to be like or with Mother Teresa. And one day she found out. She read in the paper that Mother Teresa was coming to New York City to visit the UN or testify about something or other. And Morgan was such a Mother Teresa fan that she found out what hotel Mother Teresa was staying at and stalked Mother Teresa. So she's there. You curb outside the hotel, and a car pulls up, and Mother Teresa gets out. I remember one detail of the story that Morgan told me was that first all these little nuns got out, this little row of penguin like nuns getting out. And then finally, here comes Mother Teresa. And Morgan runs up to Mother Teresa, who was an old woman even at that time, and says, oh, Mother Teresa, I'm so glad to meet you. Mother Teresa, the work you do is so wonderful. And Mother Teresa was very nice and took her hand and listened to her. And Morgan said, the work you do is so important and it's so wonderful. And I so much. I just want to come to Calcutta and do that work with you because I just think it's so wonderful. And Mother Teresa kind of shook her head and said, no, no, you don't do this work because you think it's good. You do this work because you so love the people, the poor people of Calcutta with whom I work that you can't be away from them. That's when you come and you do this work. And Morgan kind of realized that she'd been busted a little bit in a nice way and kind of nodded and understood. And Mother Teresa said, well, what do you do? And Morgan said, well, what I do isn't important. What I do is I work in a theater and I just help put on plays. I mean, what use is that? Mother Teresa said to Morgan, who then told me the same story about ten years later. Mother Teresa said, there are so many different kinds of famine in this world. In my country, there is a famine of the body. In this country, there is a famine of the spirit. Stay here and feed your people. I think it's time to reveal the winner of the Story Slam. The last shall be first, Shannon Cason. Come on up. Congratulations, Shannon. Shannon Kaysen, our Story Slam winner.
- [54:28]
Shannon Kaysen
Thank you.
- [54:31]
Dan Kennedy
Can we get all the storytellers up on stage, please? Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Kristen Daly, Byron Flitch. Come on up, everybody. Kevin Gladys, Lawrence Kearns, Matt Miller, Louis Mingioni, Lisa Nigro, Sean Sperling, and Beth Stelling. And don't forget a musician, Tamika Reed. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the performers this evening.
- [55:10]
So that was the second second half of the Chicago into the Wild Grand Slam from January 2011 hosted by Peter Sagal. Congratulations to Shannon Cason and the rest of our fantastic Chicago storytellers. To learn more about them as well as the Story Slam program in general, you can go to our blog@themost.org also remember to let us know what you think of this format of here hearing a whole show in two installments like this. You can let us know on our Facebook page or you can email us@podcastthemoth.org and thanks again for being a loyal listener and for your support. We couldn't have done it without you. This podcast is brought to you by Audible.com, the Internet's leading provider of audiobooks with more than 85,000 downloadable titles across all types of literature and featuring audio versions of many New York Times bestsellers. To try Audible free today and get a free audiobook of your choice, go to audible.com themoth Our podcast host, Dan.
- [56:17]
Kennedy is the author of the book.
- [56:19]
Unknown Storyteller
Rock An Office Power Ballad.
- [56:21]
Dan Kennedy
Learn more@rockonthebook.com thanks to all of you.
- [56:24]
For listening and we hope you have a story worthy week. Podcast audio production by Paul Ruesta the Argo Studios in New York Podcast hosting by PRX Public Radio Exchange helping make public radio more public@prx.org.