Dina Perlman (3:28)
It was a Saturday night, about 5:30 in the evening. And I was in my apartment doing something I had never done before. I was cooking dinner for a date. I didn't date because I came from the world of acting and stand up comedy. And in that world people, they don't date as much as they sort of, you know, end up with each other, you know, like bruised fruit just kind of left over. The other thing was I didn't have anybody over to that apartment because that apartment, really, the best way to describe it, it was a verstunken apartment, you know, it was a small, little disgusting apartment. I never had anybody over for dinner. If you were laying in my bed and you turned your head to the left, your head was in the refrigerator, really. And so I didn't have dinner guests, but I'd been dating this man for about a month and you know, I had had him over a few times and he was nonplussed by the place. So one day I said to him, I said, gee, I'd love to have you over for dinner. He said, really? I said, I'd love nothing more, ladies and gentlemen. I was so excited he was coming over. I went out, I bought Cooking Light magazine, you know, and I was making this whole like tricolori pasta thing with sun dried tomatoes and a feta cheese and pignon nut. I was so excited because I really liked the, this man. The thing about him was he was very, very funny, you know, really funny. And I had been out with comedians, lots of comedians, but nobody was funny like this man was funny. All right. So I'm so excited I'm having him over. And the wonderful, the other wonderful thing about meeting him was that he, I met him at a time in my life. It was a very dismal two year period in my life. I had just been let go from a TV pilot in la and I was not handling the transition from up and coming LA TV actress to downward spiraling New York office temp very gracefully. I was not handling that well. Really in the blink of an eye. I was back in New York in those synthetic outfits from the strawberry, you know them. And you know, back, back crying in the ladies room at the temp job, you know, and I was very surly and snotty to my Midwestern bosses. Hey, Dina, it's Friday. It's pizza day. Pizza day. I'm a star. Dismal, very dismal time. And then on my lunch, I'd shuffle over to St Patrick's Cathedral and just collapse into a pew. And I know you're thinking, you know, you're a Jewish girl, you have no business in St. Patrick's Cathedral. And it's true, I understand that. But you know, on my lunches, I felt I really needed to talk to the Lord, you know, and it's hard to do that at pax, you know, people do. But in any event, I would pray. I would pray every day on my lunch. I would pray and I would say, please, please, God, please just deliver me from this misery. I know, I know I blew it out there in LA because I have emotional problems and self fulfilling prophecy and I blew it. But please, just give me another shot, you know, just give me a sign. And then I met this man and I began to feel better. Now don't get me wrong, I was still weeping daily, but really only at work. So there I am, I'm in my apartment, I'm cooking him dinner. I'm very excited. All of a sudden, the phone rings. Hello, Dina, it's Danny Gross. Danny Gross. Hi. Danny Gross, not his real name, was one of the most powerful TV executives in Hollywood. He had hired me for the pilot. He was, you know, total LA hotshot. He was what my self help books would call a gatekeeper, you know, Right. Meaning that he had the key to the gate, behind which lie all the opportunity. So, okay, so it's Danny Gross. Hi. He said, what are you doing tonight? I said, well, you know, I had some plans, ladies and gentlemen. Do you know, for this date I had to go out and purchase knife and fork. Truly. Because I lived like an animal. Truly. I would come home from my standup comedy sets and I would boil a pound of pasta and then I'd dump the ragu all over it and I'd eat it out of a pot with my hands in my bra and underwear watching Charles Grodin, you know? You know what I mean? Just like a filthy, disgusting, like a filthy animal. So I said to him, you know, I had some plans. He said, well, break them. He said, I want you to come to my hotel. We're going to get some dinner, we're going to see a show and then I want to have some drinks, I want to hang out. I thought, this is great, you know, this is terrific. It's just that this wonderful, wonderful man is coming over here in an hour and a half and how am I going to tell him, you know, he can't come over? And then I thought, well, you know, what if I just told him the truth, you know, I mean, wouldn't he kind of have to understand? Really? No, really. I mean, seriously, like, look at my situation here. You know, I'm living in this little shit box of an apartment, right? The cable has been cut off because I cannot pay the note. The phone is the next to go. I mean, wouldn't he kind of. And you know what else? Like I realized I can't do it, you know, I can't. The deal is you're supposed to go to the audition and you know, you show up, you're prepared and you comb out your good wig and you look good and you do your thing right? And it's not working. Like I need the extra help, I need the extra push of a guy like Danny Gross. Do you know, ladies and gentlemen, I knew personally people who Danny Gross had given like 3, 4, $500,000. They called them holding deals and they gave them to actors to just sit around. I mean, this man could change my life. But then I thought, well, what if Danny Gross wants sex, right? I mean, what if it's the casting couch? And then I thought, no, no, Danny Gross is a married guy. That he wouldn't, you know, that would. Then I remember Danny Gross is from la. So Danny Gross wants sex. And that's fine, that's totally fine. It's just that I have never done that before to get a job, you understand? And let me make this very clear, not for any ethical reason. You realize, in other words, I had never been approached. You know, I'm not an idiot, you understand, whatever it takes. But I, nobody had and I didn't know how does one negotiate that kind of an arrangement? In other words, what do I, you know, do I work Danny Gross up into a lather and then just before coitus do I exact promises from him somehow would it be awkward to produce like a short three page contract really for him to initial here and sign and then at what point do I introduce the notary? I wasn't. Do you understand? I didn't know how to go about such a thing. I truly did not know what to do. What I did know was that any actor would have to be either a complete idiot or have tremendous chutzpah to turn down dance. You know, that kind of chutzpah where they'd just be like, yeah, I'm sorry, you know, I can't see you. I have a date with a nice guy. So you could call my agent, you know, if you want to. Like, I could never. I was not that girl. I was like, you know, the sweaty, desperate girl in the outfit, you know, that was not me. And then I remembered, I remembered Lisa Biggs. Not her real name. Lisa Biggs was an actress, you know, like me. She was getting older and, and she still trying and she would do stand up comedy. I'd see her comedy act sometimes and she'd like run up on stage in a little black sweater and a little kilt and she had a real heavy southern accent and she was all crazy and her face was real oily. And it was very unsettling to watch Lisa Biggs. But I remembered somebody telling me that she had spent this weekend with Danny Gross at the St. Regis. And there she was, you know, I saw her like all the time auditioning for, you know, truly horrible projects just like me. And clearly Danny Gross maybe broke a promise. I don't know. So I just blurted out, I said, I'm sorry, I have plans. I can't see you tonight. Of course, I'm not a fool. I followed that up with, are you around tomorrow night? Because, you know, I'd like. He said, no. He said, I'll be on a plane. I said, well, then I'm sorry. And he said, so am I. And he hung up. I haven't spoken or seen Danny Gross since. And I haven't been in a TV pilot since, but I married the funny man. Thank you so much.
