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- [00:01]
Apple Representative
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- [00:30]
Rosetta Stone Representative
As we approach the end of the year. I'm thinking about the next Next year is the year I finally make my Spanish better than my 9 year old's. Rosetta Stone is the most trusted language learning program available on desktop or as an app, and it truly immerses you in the language that you want to learn. I can't wait to use Rosetta Stone and finally speak better than my 9 year old who's been learning Spanish in his own way. Rosetta Stone is the trusted expert for 30 years with millions of users and 25 languages offered. Spanish, French, Italian, German, Korean. I could go on fast language acquisition. Rosetta Stone immerses you in many ways. There are no English translations, so you can really learn to speak, listen and think in that language. Start the new year off with a resolution you can reach today. The Moth listeners can take advantage of this Rosetta Stones lifetime membership for 50% off visit rosettastone.com moth that's 50% off. Unlimited access to 25 language courses for the rest of your Life. Redeem your 50% off@RosettaStone.com moth today.
- [01:39]
Dan Kennedy
I'm Dan Kennedy and this is the Moth Podcast. But you probably already know that because I bet you listen to it almost every week. So having said that, if you like the podcast and you like Moth Stories stories, please chip in with a $10 donation. You can do it now by texting Moth M O T H to 20222. It's that easy and your support allows us to keep doing the podcast and keep doing shows. Moth to 20222 give us a text and a ten dollar donation and we thank you so much for your continued support. Hey Texas, some news for you. The Moth mainstage is is coming to Austin on Friday, December 14th and that'll be presented by the Paramount Theater. For ticketing information and for a list of all of our upcoming tour stops, Visit our site themoth.org this week's story by Elna Baker was told live at the Moth. Last year when the Moth was at the Fitzgerald Theater in St. Paul. The theme of the night was when Worlds Collected Stories from the Clash.
- [02:50]
Elna Baker
So it's Christmas and I'm flying to Utah to introduce my Irish Catholic boyfriend at the time to my Mexican Mormon family. And I'm really nervous because I want more than anything for him to fit in, which is kind of a lofty goal because I don't even fit in with these two sides of myself. You know, as a Mormon, I'm not allowed to smoke, drink, do drugs, have sex, or have coffee. And as a Mexican, I want to do all five at one time. And, you know, I never fully related to the Mormon side of my family. I've always been the black sheep, but I also don't relate to the Mexican side because I look totally white. But my dad is a full on Mexican. He was raised in a trailer park in southwest Phoenix and he felt like it was very important to try to instill in us, his children, the notion that we were Mexican American. And the way he did that was reciting the speech from the movie Selena, which goes, being a Mexican American is difficult. You gotta be more Mexican than the Mexicans. You gotta be more American than the Americans. You gotta know about Tito Puente and Frank Sinatra. It is exhausting. But to be honest, I've only used the fact that I was Mexican once in my life when I applied to nyu. There you go. And Christmas is a big deal in my family. We're all spread out. My parents actually live in Siberia. I have a sister in Boston, a sister in la, a brother in Utah, and a sister in Jerusalem. So every year at Christmas is when we get to come together and we'll switch off. We'll either spend Christmas with my mom's Mormon family or my dad's Mexican family. And this year was a Mexican Christmas, which meant that instead of a reverent, quiet dinner, it was going to be crazy and chaotic. And instead of turkey, we'd have tamales. Instead of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, it'd be a mariachi band. And instead of reading about the birth of Jesus or the time that he visited America, we would just hit a pinata, right? And Liam, my boyfriend, was going to get to, to experience all of this. And I really wanted him to have a fun time, not to have to straddle these two worlds like I had. So the best way for me to do that was to begin to censor him. So the weeks before our trip, I just kept prepping him. I was like, you know, don't swear, don't smoke a cigarette, don't have a drink. And More than anything, do not tell any stories. Because he had this tendency. He would start a story, and it was very G rated, and then it would just take a sudden, inappropriate turn. So I kept prepping him. I'd be like, you know that story about how you built a SL in college? Made of lube? Don't tell that story. Or the time you got so drunk you blacked out, but in flashbacks, you remember making out with a dude. I don't know why you told me that story. Don't tell that to my parents. So I finish prepping him, and I fly home a day earlier than him with the sole purpose of preparing my family. So I pull my mother aside. We're decorating the Christmas tree, and I say, look, I. I know that he's not Mormon, and you really want me to date a Mormon, which is why she had set me up with my last gay Mormon boyfriend. But I want you to give him a chance. And just please try not to be overly conservative or say anything too Republican. So I prep the whole family, and the next night, Liam flies out, and I go and I pick him up at the airport. He's hungry. We stop at Arby's, and then we head back to my sister's place. And on the way out of the car, I slip on ice, and I fall. And I'm okay. But unbeknownst to me, my phone has slid into a bank of snow. So we get inside. I can't find my phone. I think it's up at my aunt's where all of the relatives are staying. So I call up. It starts this whole commotion, which actually is what I do every time I come home for Christmas because I, like, revert to my high school self. I get so bored, I start playing pranks or causing drama. But this was totally unintentional. So they're all looking for the phone. Everyone's calling it. We can't find it. And the next morning, I wake up, my sister and Liam and I, we walk outside, and we're heading up. You know, my parents are going to meet him. It's a big deal. And as we're walking to get in the car, I hear this faint ringing. I'm like, is that my cell phone? And I start crawling on the ground. And frozen in a block of ice is my cell phone. And the first thing I notice is I have missed 48 phone calls. And then it's my brother calling. So on a whim, I hand the phone to Liam, and I say, pretend that you're a homeless guy. At arby's. And you found my phone? And he says, why? I'm like, it'll be funny. It'll be funny. And that's the thing. I swear. I do this every time I come home, and I don't realize it until it's too late, but it's like, I don't fit in with my family. We don't relate on the same things. So the only way that I've ever really found to, like, get into the center dynamic of the family is to stir the pot or create some commotion that centers around me, and therefore I feel special. So he answers this. He picks up the phone, and it's frozen still, so he can't really hear what my brother is saying. So he just says, I'm a homeless man. I'm at arby's. I found this phone. And my brother says something, and it's muddled. So Liam says, I can't hear you, man. I can't hear. And he hangs up. Well, we thought this would be the end of it. But a second later, my sister's cell phone rings, and it's my brother. And he says, you guys are never going to believe what happened. A deaf homeless man at arby's past elna's phone. And we're like, britton, you have to get it back. And he's like, okay, okay. So we got off the phone, and word spreads fast, because next thing I know, cousins, aunts, uncles, they're all calling my frozen cell phone, trying to talk to this homeless man. Are you homeless? You have our phone? And then they hang up, right? So next thing I know, my mexican grandmother calls. Now, my mexican grandmother and I have a very fraught relationship. She's a very passionate, very blunt woman. In fact, even just the way she speaks the sentence always starts soft and then gets louder. She's like, que queres para tesayuno? That's my grandma. And growing up, I was really chubby, and her nickname for me was gordita. So then after college, I lost weight, and the first time I came home to visit, we were having dinner, and I just reached to get food, and she slapped my hand and was like, oye, you don't want to get fat again. Remember Roly poly? So that is my grandmother. So my grandmother calls his phone, and she's like, hello, do you have my granddaughter's phone? Right? And Liam says, yes, I found it at arby's. And instead of jumping on the first half of the sentence, my grandmother says, arby's. Elna was eating At Arby's. You know, she used to have a weight problem, and I don't think she should. And she starts telling this to a homeless man. And so I'm like, oh, really? That's how you want to play? So I say to Liam, I'm like, amp it up. Try to get a reward. He's like, why? And I'm like, it'll be funny, right? So she says, you know, how can we get this phone? And he says, well, you know, it's a nice phone. Don't you think it's worth some money? And there's this long pause, and she's like, you mean a reward? And he says, yes. And she's like, oh, I'll talk to my granddaughter about that. And then she says, you know, where can we meet you? And Liam says, well, I'm still at Arby's. And then he's like, in fact, behind the Arby's, there's this long, dark alley. And at the back of the alley, there's a dumpster. And behind the dumpster, that's where you can meet me. To which my grandmother says, okay, that sounds great. Like, who says, you can't skip scam the elderly? So she gets on the phone, and I think this whole thing is contained to the relatives that I know have called. Unbeknownst to me, she calls my father, and my father and mother are on the way to the airport to pick up my older sister and her Turkish Muslim fiance and his family. So they get word of this, and they are passing the Arby's that we had gone to. So my father decides to take it upon himself to get my phone back. And again, we made all of this stuff up. But at the side of the Arby's, there is a long, dark alley. At the back of the alley, there was a dumpster. Behind the dumpster, there was a homeless man. So my dad walks back there, and he says in his loudest voice, hello, I am here for my daughter's phone. And this man looks up at him, and he doesn't say anything. So my dad thinks it's a shakedown, right? So he takes out a 20, and he hands it to him. And he's like, can we please get the phone? And the guy's still really confused just looking at him. So my dad takes out another 20, hands it to him, is like, you know, thank you for finding the phone. To which this man says, why are you talking so loud? And my father's like, first off, you're not deaf. Secondly, you don't have the cell phone. And the guy says, no. And my dad's like, is there anyone else who lives back here? And the man says, no. And my father looks at the $40 in his hand and just says, you know, merry Christmas. So he walks back to the car, he calls my sister. I hear that this has happened, and immediately it's like that pit in the bottom of your stomach where you're like, I'm in so much trouble now. So I take a deep breath and I call my father from my cell phone. And he says, elna, how did you get your phone back? And I say, well, I've had it all along. It's kind of a funny story. Liam can explain it to you. And I just hand the phone to Liam, and I listen as he tries to explain that he was pretending to be a deaf homeless man for me. And I think of all the time I had put into prepping him so he would make a good impression. And it occurs to me then that as much as I had wanted him to fit in, what I actually wanted was a partner in crime. And so we arrive at my aunt's house 10 minutes later, and knowing that there's going to be 40 angry Mexican Mormons and now Turkish Muslims waiting for us, I just take his hand and we brace ourselves for what is to come. Thank you.
- [13:44]
Dan Kennedy
Elna Baker has appeared on this American Life, BBC Radio 4, All Things Considered, Studio 360, and WTF. She's written for Elle, Glamour, Men's Journal, and O Magazine. Her memoir, the New York Regional Mormon Singles Halloween dance, received four stars stars and people and the 2010AML Award for Best humor writing. And before we go, just a reminder, if you enjoyed Elna's story, please support the Moth by making a quick $10 donation straight from your phone. Just text MOTH to 20222. Thanks very much. It's a $10 donation. It's charged right to your phone bill and you'll receive a text message asking you to confirm your donation. And that's from our friends at prx and you can just reply yes to that and we're all set. We thank you for your continued support. We couldn't do it without you.
- [14:37]
Elna Baker
Dan Kennedy is a writer and performer.
- [14:39]
Rosetta Stone Representative
Living in New York. He's been a part of the moth community since 1999. Follow him on Twitterankenadynyc.
- [14:48]
Dan Kennedy
Thanks to all of you for listening and we hope you have a story worthy week. Podcast audio production by Paul Ruest at the Argo Studios in New York. The Moth Podcast and the Radio Hour are presented by prx, the Public Radio Exchange, helping make public radio more public at prx. Org.