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- [00:00]
Sponsor
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- [02:10]
Dan Kennedy
Welcome to the Moth Podcast. I'm Dan Kennedy. This podcast is brought to you by Audible.com, the Internet's leading provider of audiobooks with more than 100,000 downloadable titles across all types of literature. For the Moth listeners, Audible is offering a free audiobook to give you a chance to try out their service. You may like to consider listening to Drinking with Men by New York Times Magazine drinks columnist Rosie Shapp. In Drinking with Men, Rosie brings her listeners along to experience the culture and intimacy of Dublin pubs with poets, New England taverns and bars in Tribeca and la. That's Drinking with Men written and read by Rosie Schapp. It's available from Audible. To try Audible free today and get a free audiobook of your choice, go to audible.com themoth that's audible.com themoth this week we bring you two stories from our story slams, which are happening in 13 cities across across the country now. The first story by Gabe Bullard was told live at our story Slam series in Louisville, sponsored by WFPL early last year. And the theme of the night was scars.
- [03:29]
Gabe Bullard
Hi, everyone. So I don't have a lot of scars because I grew up playing it safe. I had two older brothers, and anytime I would see them get hurt, I just assumed that any endeavor that could result in pain wasn't worth pursuing. And I remember once when my oldest brother came home and his leg was just bloody all over the place because a dog had bitten him when he was riding his bike. And from that point on, I figured out where every dog was in our neighborhood and avoided it whenever I rode my bike, avoided those houses. It took me forever to get anywhere on my bike. I saw a snake bite, like a person get bitten by a snake on TV once, and I wouldn't go through tall grass at all after that, even though I knew there were no poisonous snakes in the part of Illinois where I grew up. But these injuries, they're bound to happen. And I got a really bad one in College. I was 20 years old. I was in this shared kitchen, college type area talking with my roommate. And I wanted to look cool in case anybody passed by. So I went to jump up and sit on the countertop. And someone had been cooking in there before and they had spilled some grease on the floor. And so I tried to jump up and slipped and fell and landed right on my tailbone. And if you've fallen in such a way, you know, it sends these shocks of pain and just general shocks up your back. And so I was numb and I got up and my roommate was just laughing his head off. And he does this impression of me falling and I start laughing, you know, arms flailing and trying to sit up. And we're both laughing and I'm kind of dusting myself off, and then I just see the smile go from his face and he gets very pale and his eyes get really wide and he points at my arm and says, holy shit. And I look, and on my arm there's this giant red blister, just this big balloon of skin because the person who spilled the grease had also left the electric burner on high. And my arm Hit it on the way down. And so once I could see the burn, then it really started to hurt. And I was 20. I didn't know how insurance worked. So we just went to the drugstore and bought a whole lot of gauze pads and miles and miles of medical tape and the biggest tube of Neosporin I've ever seen in my life. It was way up high on the shelf. And I bandaged myself up and I'm doing okay. I figure, you know, I just have to reapply this 13, 14 times a day and I'll be fine. And I go to class the next day, and I only had one class, and it was an afternoon class that met once a week. There were about eight people in it, and my roommate was one of them. And I was the last student to arrive to class as usual. And when I got in, everyone was being really nice to me, like everyone in the class. Hey, Gabe, how's it going? Where you been? What you been up to? Somebody high fived me on my way to my seat. And I thought that was the coolest thing. And I never thought that that would really happen. And the person who was being nicest to me was the girl who sat in front of me. She had never really talked to me before. We never really had a reason to talk, but she was being really friendly and turned around a few times to just kind of smile at me and look at me. And I was a little surprised. And we got to talking after class and we decided to go get coffee. And she was just being so friendly and she wanted to know about me. And we really hit it off. And at coffee we decided that we should go see a movie later in the week. So we go see a movie and it was fun. And we're leaving and she offers to give me a ride home. I live like two blocks from the theater, but I took the ride because a pretty girl's offering me a ride. I may as well take it. And we get to my place and we're in the parking lot and we're talking in the way two 20 year olds talk when they really want to kiss, but they're both afraid to make the move. So somebody made a move her. And she kisses me. And then as she moves to get closer, her hand touches my bandage and she recoils really quickly. And she says, oh, my God, did I hurt you? And I said, no, the burn is on the other side. And she gave me this odd look and said, what burn? And so I told her the story of how I had burned myself and why I was wearing the bandage. And as I'm telling it, I see her face just turn into this face of confusion and disappointment, and it's welling up in her. And she says, your roommate said you tried to kill yourself. And I got out of the car. She didn't talk to me again after that. It wasn't even awkward because I would go to class and she just wouldn't acknowledge I was there. She had moved to another seat where she wouldn't have to see people coming in the door at all, where there was no way we would make eye contact. And so I learned from that point on, anytime anyone would ask me about the bandage or about the scar on my arm or about any bandage or injury or anything, I just kind of look down and say, I don't want to talk about it. And I hope for the best. Thank you.
- [09:05]
Dan Kennedy
Gabe Bullard is a journalist and the news director at Louisville Public Media and wfpl. He's always happy to share stories of personal embarrassment with strangers. You can find more@gabebullard.com so the next story you're going to hear by Alicia Brophy was told live at a moth story slam last year in Los Angeles that was sponsored by kcrw. The theme of the night was unexpected.
- [09:40]
Alicia Brophy
Basically, I have never told a man that I love him. I've told the mailman, like, if he waits, when. While I'm, like, running out with my mail. The guys over at Tomato Pie, I tell them that all the time when they offer me free blue cheese because I go too often. So I say it all the time, and my cat, too. But I never have told a man in a relationship that I love him. I was engaged. Beach, Hawaii, like, ring in the champagne. Still didn't say it. And I can't afford therapy. So I was talking to my roommate's brother because he, like, let me lay on the couch. And he was like, you know your parents? Did they say it to each other? And I was like, oh, yeah. They said I love you all the time. All the time. He's like, well, to each other. I'm like, fuck no. Are you kidding me? They divorced when I was 3, had restraining orders against each other, and traded me on the side of a freeway. Not kidding. Every Friday night. So he's like, well, there's your problem. You have no one to mimic. And I was like, oh, yeah, that totally makes sense. He's like, you need to find a couple that you can mimic. And I was like, I can't afford therapy. I Can only afford my roommate's brother when he's stoned on my couch. And so I said, totally makes sense. That's my goal. I'm going to find this couple. So a couple days ago, I am in Austin, Texas, and in the middle of town, there is this place called Barton Springs. And it has this grassy knoll down to the water. And the water is full of algae, but no one cares because it's 127 on any given day. And so you sit in the algae and you're happy because it's like 47 degrees. And so I was at Barton Springs sitting in the algae, and my friend's mother brought us burgers and fries because it's Texas. So you just. That's what you eat. So we're laying out and my friends leave. And now I'm all by myself sitting at the springs, covered in algae, big old burger in my tummy and, you know, hair kind of like it is tonight. And no makeup. And I'm laying there and I hear moaning behind me, which is not that surprising. Anyone that spent time in Austin. Barton Springs is really alternative. It's topless. You can do whatever you want. So I was like, cool. I'm gonna kind of peek behind me, and I turn around, and I'm totally thinking, this is gonna be great and free. And it's old people in their 80s, and the woman is in a purple blouse with matching earrings, and the man is wearing a newsy cap. And they're adorable. And they're not having sex because they're in their 80s. Come on. But the old man is, like, trying to sit down, and he's moaning with every joint that's, like, breaking. And I'm watching them, and I realize I found my couple. I'm going to be 80 someday, and I'm not going to settle. I'm going to wait for the man that will, when he's 80, go with me to Barton Springs, and we'll wear newsy caps and purple blouses. And I'm so excited about them. And the man gets down on his knee and pulls out a ring box and proposes to the old woman. So I'm, you know, covered analogy, like, holding my heart. I'm so happy because I picked the best old couple ever to mimic. And after he proposes, she says, way to ruin a perfectly nice day, Richard. My heart just breaks. And I stand up because I want to see more of this, because she runs off because she's a little more agile. And he was the one doing on the moaning earlier and he's trying to get up and chasing after and I'm having a lover's quarrel across Barton Springs. And so I'm just standing there with my, you know, burger and my algae and just looking a mess, trying not to cry. And this total stranger walks up to me and says, you did a great job. I said, I did a great job doing what? He's like, oh, your expressions. And then he points it turns out it was an NBC hidden camera show put on by Betty White. It's called Off Their Rockers. Thank you. Of course we're in fucking la. You're probably the editor, right? So it's called off the Rockers and I in May. You're welcome to watch this Looking my absolute worst, having my heart broken with a burger in my belly on national tv, knowing that I will never find love in life because of fucking Betty White.
- [14:28]
Dan Kennedy
Alicia Brophy currently lives in Los Angeles, but you wouldn't know it from her cowboy boots and New York accent. Brophy's anecdotes often come via her backstory, which includes carnival work, barrel racing and trapeze. She aspires to be a television writer and vegetarian, but neither have happened yet. This podcast is brought to you by Audible.com, the Internet's leading provider of audiobooks with more than 100,000 downloadable titles across all types of literature and featuring audio versions of many New York Times bestsellers. To try Audible free today and get a free audiobook of your choice, go to audible.com themoth and to our listeners in Southern California, the Moth main stage is coming to Santa Barbara on Thursday, April 4th and that's presented by UCSB. For ticketing information and for a list of all of our upcoming tour stops, visit themoth.org Dan Kennedy is a writer.
- [15:30]
Sponsor
And performer living in New York. Follow him on twitter@dan kennedynyc.
- [15:36]
Dan Kennedy
Thanks to all of you for listening and we hope you have a story worthy week. Podcast audio production by Paul Ruest at the Argo Studios in New York. The Moth podcast and the Radio Hour are presented by prx, the Public Radio Exchange, helping make public radio more public@prx.org.