Robin Utz (8:21)

Sue Schmidt is a stand up comedian storyteller and also happens to be our regional producer for the Moth Story Slam series in Burlington, Vermont. She told this story while she was on vacation in Miami. And Sue's work has been featured on New England Public Radio on CBS Sunday Morning. She's a teaching artist at the Flynn center for the Performing Arts and founder of say It Forward Productions, an organization that helps nonprofits bring the stories of their work to life. To see sue rocking out with her band called the Brevity Thing, you can find links to those photos on our website@themost.org Next up is a story from Robin Utz. Robin shared this story a few weeks ago at a main stage in Boston, and the theme of the night was into the Deep. So a quick word of caution. Robin's story tackles really difficult subject matter. If you have been down this road, you'll identify with the subject matter. Also, if you've been down this road, hey, know that I went down it, too. All of our stories are different. And this is, this is Robin's story live at the Moth.

Audience Member 2 (9:46)

I was pretty sure about my husband right off the bat. When I met him, I loved how he talked about the things that he loved so much. He would have me come over to his apartment and we'd watch Soul Train YouTube clips until late in the evening. And he would look at me with these adoring eyes and say, it's the happiest place on earth. And I was like, it really is. It took me no time to know I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. And it took pretty much no time to realize I wanted to have a child with him. And the happily ever after has been easy. We're still as in love today as we've ever been. But the child part has not been so easy. It was after four years of trying two rounds of in vitro, three frozen transfers from those in vitros, and a miscarriage, that we finally got pregnant with our daughter, Grace Pearl, and we were just ecstatic. The pregnancy went like a breeze. And before we knew it, we were at the anatomy scan, which happens a little over halfway through the pregnancy. And I could not wait. I wanted that profile shot. You know, you get the little, like, side profile that everybody thinks about with an ultrasound. And Jim wanted to see it, too. So he came to the appointment with me, and we were having a nice time. We were just chattering about where we were going to get lunch. And it took me a little bit to notice that the ultrasound technician, Nicole, was not saying a lot. She was kind of making concerned noises. And she goes, there's not a lot of amniotic fluid. I want you to roll on your side and I'm going to talk to the doctor. So I do that, hoping that it'll prompt Grace to move to a better position. And she comes back and tries to scan again, and no change. Grace is not moved. And she says, there's no amniotic fluid. And I'm sorry, I know that's not what you don't want to hear. And I'm like, it's not okay, all right. And so she leads us down the hallway to go talk to the doctor. And I Google, Google, you know, second trimester, no amniotic fluid. And what stares me back in the face is 80 to 90% fatal. And I'm like, shit. It does not improve when we get into the doctor's office. There is a waiting room in the doctor's office that is full of newborn pictures that my doctor has just delivered, most of them featuring her, and they're all smiling. And she comes in, not smiling, and introduces herself to Jim, my husband, as Jen. And I'm like, shit. Not Dr. Meyer, Jen. That's not a good sign. She explains the following. Our daughter's kidneys are huge. They're full of fluid filled cysts. Basically they're not working. And the way that babies work when they're in the womb is amniotic fluid travels through the kidneys and is urinated out, goes through it, is swallowed by them and it cycles. Without that cycling, their lungs will never develop. They can't breathe. She explains that the prognosis is not good and we burst into tears. To confirm this, she has scheduled an emergency second ultrasound. And an hour later, also in this hospital, and for now she lets us leave out a side door so we don't have to go through the waiting room full of expectant mothers with their full bellies for all of our sakes. I walk past a half eaten birthday cake on the way out. We get outside and it is an unusually warm November day and people are milling everywhere and I cannot believe the earth has not stopped taking their lives with it. Just stopped in place and I can't even stop. My parents knew that this ultrasound was happening right then and I can't not call them and tell them what's happened. So I call and my mom answers within a second. And she's like, how was it? And I'm like, not good. And she drops the phone. I can hear her sobbing. My dad picks it up a few seconds later and asks what happened. And I do my best to tell him while Jim's rubbing my back and silently crying next to me. And my dad asks if he can be there with us for the second ultrasound and we agree. And that's where we meet him, in the waiting room for the second ultrasound. He gives us each huge hugs and makes jokes about the Reading material. And I'm so grateful he's there, dad jokes and all. And soon we're taken back for the second ultrasound and it's about two hours of detailed pictures of our daughter. She shows us the kidneys and the little black dots on them, which are the fluid filled cysts. And she shows us that there's no black background, which is what amniotic fluid is. So there is not going to be that profile picture. The doctor comes in and introduces herself as Dr. Gray. And my dad goes like Grey's Anatomy. And I'm like, I don't think he's ever seen that show. I always loved that he was being humorous in that moment. And she asks what we know, so we explain what we've heard so far. And she said, that's right. There are two outcomes for your daughter. She'll either be stillborn, having been crushed to death by your body because there's no amniotic fluid, or she will be born and the wheels will come off. I remember that phrasing. The wheels will come off. Without working lungs, she'll never survive. And she'll die within minutes, hopefully in my arms. My dad thought to ask, what are the odds for a baby like this? And she looked at him and said, none. And she looks at me and says, your baby would be the first if she made it. She then starts to explain the laws around abortion in the state of Missouri, where I live. She says that you have to first sign consents, which aren't always easy to schedule because only certain people can allow you to sign them with them. Then you have to wait 72 hours, I guess, to consider what you're doing. You also can't have an abortion after 21 weeks. Six days. I'm 20 weeks and six days when this happens. And there's an upcoming weekend and a Thanksgiving holiday, so we have no time to think about it. We have to decide almost immediately if we want to be able to do this, if we choose to in time. She leaves the room to give us a moment and we all just burst into tears. We're all hugging one another and just inconsolable. And I think about it and I'm just like, what choice do we have? She's going to die 100%. And if we don't terminate this pregnancy, she will suffer 100%. I look at Jim and I'm like, we have to terminate, right? And he's like, of course we do. Even my dad, who was raised Catholic, agrees it would be cruel to do anything else. The doctor comes back in and we tell her we've made our decision. And she says, I didn't want to sway you, but your risk would go up seven times if you didn't do this now. And that's just the risk of being pregnant. She explains that they will have somebody call us as soon as possible to get the signed consents scheduled because we're so short on time and we're lucky to be able to get in. The very next day, Jim and I go to a facility where a doctor in scrubs meets us and takes us back to a conference room. And there are papers laid out. Before I can even look at them, she pauses us and she says, these are state mandated forms. They're not medical. They contain judgmental language that is designed to make you feel bad. It is not how we feel about you. I look down and I'm asked to be to sign, saying that I have been offered to hear my daughter's heartbeat. I listened to my daughter's heartbeat on a home Doppler every other day. I have a recording on my phone. We're asked if we had been offered to hear or to see an ultrasound. I'd had three hours of ultrasounds just the day before, and I also had asked for extra ultrasounds because I wanted to see her anytime I could. Then I open a packet, and on the very first page, in bold, indented letters, it says, human life starts at conception. You are ending a separate, unique human life. And my grief was interrupted by outrage. Nowhere in this documentation was how much Grace would suffer. None of it talked about the increased risks to my health. It was all just biased on one side. I wanted to light them on fire. But I signed them. I had to. And that started the 72 hour clock that was the longest time in my life. It was a slow marching through time where my friends seamlessly cleared their calendars to invite me over to do jigsaw puzzles and drink tea with them. My parents came over and they removed every stitch of baby clothing and items out of our home. I took pregnancy approved sleeping pills. I hugged Jim harder than I thought possible and hoped we could just meld into one person. I cried and cried and cried. And the night before the termination, I asked Jim how he wanted to say goodbye to Grace. While I thought about this, I thought about how sure I was about my decision. I knew other people might make a different choice than I did. And there was a part of me that wanted to give birth to her and hold her, but I couldn't imagine doing anything but what we were doing because it felt cruel to do anything different. It was so definitive. And I never thought I would have an abortion, but I've never needed to think about it. Jim said he wanted to have a dance party for her, our own little soul train. And he made a playlist of songs he'd always wanted her to hear and always wanted to teach her about. And so in our pajamas late at night in our living room, lit by candles, we danced with Grace. We played riot grrrl music and some Rolling Stones and laughed at let's Spend the Night together because we'd always thought it would have a little different meaning with a newborn. And when Mick Jagger sang Baby, I patted my little baby bump and we sang at it and we slow danced to Sitting on the Dock of the Bay, which Jim has always said is a perfect song just the way that it is. We had to be at the hospital at 5 in the morning the next day. And in the operating room, as the pre anesthesia cocktail hit me, I looked at my doctor in the corner and I was like, I need you to know that I love my daughter. I'm doing this because I love my daughter. The nurse rubbed my arms and I was gently turned and laid back on the operating table. And they put my headphones in. They told me I wouldn't be asleep. And so we played Grace's playlist. And that's how we said goodbye to her. I'm pregnant again. It's a girl again. I'm so excited. I can't wait to see what she's like and to teach her things. I can't wait to hold her hands while she's learning to walk and to braid her hair and to teach her about one of my favorite songs, Harvest Moon. I really want her to grow up in a world where she's valued, where her humanity and dignity and her ability to make the best decisions for herself are respected. Thank you.

Robin Utz (24:01)

Robin Utz is a professional project manager, avid concert goer, and music fan, and she's also a Traveler. She's currently 26 weeks into her pregnancy. She's due in early February. And if you want to follow more of her story, just Visit our site, themoth.org so, yeah, kind of shifting gears on the way out the door here on the eve of midterm elections, we really want to remind everybody that political matters are always at their heart about people and their stories. So we would like to remind you to get out to the polls and exercise your right to vote. And of course, we'd also like to remind you as we do every episode to have a story worthy week. Thanks for listening.

Intuit Sponsor (24:51)

Dan Kennedy is the author of Loser Goes First, Rock on and American Spirit. He's also a regular host and storyteller.

Robin Utz (24:58)

With the Moth Podcast production by Timothy Lou Lee. The Moth Podcast is presented by prx. That's Public Radio Exchange making public radio more public@prx.org.