Jessi Klein: Breaking Up in the Age of Google

Summary

Summary of "Jessi Klein: Breaking Up in the Age of Google" from The Moth Podcast

Introduction

In this episode of The Moth, renowned comedian and writer Jesse Klein shares a deeply personal and humorous story titled "Breaking Up in the Age of Google." Released on July 19, 2016, Jesse's narrative delves into the intersection of heartbreak, technology, and self-discovery. Her tale is not only a reflection on a tumultuous breakup but also an exploration of how modern tools like Google can both complicate and aid personal healing.

The Breakup and Initial Devastation ([03:11] – [06:45])

Jesse begins her story in August 2001, recounting the end of a six-year relationship with her boyfriend, whom she describes as her "first love." She paints a vivid picture of their relationship dynamics:

“We both had really low self esteem and that was sort of part of what brought us together... ‘Do you want to come over and have sex?’” ([04:30]).

Despite their initial bond over shared insecurities, their relationship flourished, offering each other affection and mutual support. However, as their self-esteem improved over time, both began contemplating the allure of exploring relationships outside their partnership. This mutual yet unspoken curiosity ultimately led to their breakup. Jesse reflects on the aftermath:

“I was devastated, but it was sort of devastated where you think you feel bad, but something's going to happen that's going to make you feel worse.” ([05:10]).

Her devastation was compounded when she discovered that her ex-boyfriend had swiftly moved on, starting a relationship with a 22-year-old colleague—a revelation that intensified her feelings of betrayal and jealousy.

Obsession with the Ex and Google ([06:46] – [12:30])

Struggling to cope, Jesse engages in various coping mechanisms such as therapy and gym workouts, none of which alleviate her pain. Instead, she spirals into a depressive state dominated by two conflicting urges: one to admire her ex's new partner and another to find flaws that would justify her feelings of superiority.

During a conversation with her friend Wendy, Jesse is advised to "Google" her ex, a suggestion that ignites her obsession with uncovering every detail about the new woman in her ex's life. Jesse humorously laments her lack of knowledge about Google:

“I was a nerd, but I was not a geek, so I didn't know what Google was... Google is the most powerful thing ever invented on the planet.” ([08:15]).

Her initial search leads her to an unexpected revelation: her ex's aspiration to become a stand-up comic—a dream she herself harbored but never pursued. This discovery becomes a catalyst for her own journey into comedy, as she begins performing at open mics despite her ongoing depression.

The Space Race to Comedy ([12:31] – [17:00])

Jesse describes her foray into stand-up as both a form of revenge and self-improvement:

“I was going to open mics and it's depressing and I hate it. But over time, it's like, slowly improving. I get to do book shows.” ([13:50]).

Despite her progress in comedy, Jesse remains fixated on her ex and his new relationship, often finding herself obsessively Googling both her ex and herself. This dual obsession strains her mental health, leading to a cycle of feeling both superior and inferior.

A pivotal moment occurs during one of her shows at Irving Plaza, where she unexpectedly encounters her ex's new girlfriend in the audience. The uncomfortable interaction forces Jesse to confront her feelings head-on, culminating in a realization about her own pursuit of humor at the expense of personal happiness.

Epiphany and Personal Growth ([17:01] – [20:50])

Following the failed opportunity to have an article written about her by The New Yorker, Jesse experiences a profound emotional breakdown. This moment of vulnerability leads to an epiphany where she acknowledges that her relentless pursuit of making others laugh has overshadowed her ability to find joy in herself.

“I was so obsessed with being this race to make other people laugh that I lost my ability to laugh at myself.” ([19:30]).

Determined to reclaim her happiness and authenticity, Jesse shifts her focus from external validation to self-acceptance. She embraces her imperfections and begins to incorporate this newfound self-awareness into her comedy, leading to both personal and professional growth.

Resolution and Moving Forward ([20:51] – [21:14])

In the concluding part of her story, Jesse shares the positive outcomes of her transformation. She successfully navigates new romantic relationships without the constant comparison to her past and her ex's new partner. Additionally, her relationship with technology evolves as she and her new partner engage in mutual Googling, symbolizing a healthier interaction with the digital world.

“He and I Google each other constantly.” ([21:05]).

Notable Quotes

• “Google is the most powerful thing ever invented on the planet. It is this fucking insane search engine that allows you to be crazy and stalk someone from the comfort of your own fucking home.” ([08:15])
• “I was like, Sha, I am going to Google the crap out of this girl because I knew her name.” ([07:00])
• “It was the worst thing that ever happened to me in my life. It was a month. Part of six years is the worst thing.” ([05:50])
• “I lost my ability to laugh at myself.” ([19:30])

Conclusion

Jesse Klein's story is a poignant and humorous exploration of love, loss, and the complexities of the digital age. Through her candid recounting, she highlights the ways in which technology like Google can both exacerbate and facilitate personal healing. Jesse's journey from obsession to self-acceptance serves as an inspiring testament to the resilience of the human spirit and the importance of finding humor and happiness within oneself.

Additional Insights

Post her story, Kathryn Burns, The Moth's Artistic Director, shares accolades for Jesse's performance, noting her exceptional ability to engage and entertain the audience. Ethan Hawke, an actor present during the show, also comments on Jesse's impactful storytelling, further underscoring the significance of her narrative.

Jesse's story not only resonates with those who have experienced similar heartbreaks but also serves as a reflection on how modern relationships are intertwined with technology, shaping the ways we connect, cope, and heal.

Transcript

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[Kathryn Burns]

Welcome to the Moth podcast. I'm Kathryn Burns, the Moth's Artistic Director, standing in this week for Dan Kennedy. I wanted to let you all know that the Moth is featured on the COVID of the July August issue of Reader's Digest magazine. There's a 25 page spread inside featuring stories from our story Slam Competitions. We love that 11 people from around the country had the guts to walk into an open mic night, put their name in the hat, tell a heartfelt story, and then end it up on the COVID of Reader's Digest. And we hope you'll pick up a copy this week's story is from the writer Jessie Klein. She told it way back in 2003, and to be honest, the story's a little dated. She had to define Google for the audience, but that only makes us love re listening to it all the more. And we hope you'll agree she's told many stories for us since then, and we are so proud that she's currently the head writer and executive producer for Inside Amy Schumer. And her first memoir, which is called you'd'll Grow out of it, just came out and it's getting rave reviews. Here's Jessie.

[Jesse Klein]

Hello. Hi. Holy crappers. Okie pokey. So here tis In August of 2001, me and my boyfriend of six years, my first love of my life, went through one of the worst breakups in the history of recorded man. And I know that may sound naive or self absorbed, and that's because it is, but I swear I was really, really bad. We worked together at the same company, but that's not where we met. We'd met in college when we were both like 18, 19 years old. And when we met, I was this super, super nerdy virgin. I know it's hard to imagine, but I was really a nerd and I was really a virgin. And he was sort of this chubby almost Virginia, you know what I mean? Like, he had a really fat face and he had slept with someone, but it was like he really should have been like, he maybe stuck it into someone like an inch, you know what I mean? But for all intents and purposes, anyway, so we both had really low self esteem and that was sort of part of what brought us together, you know, it was like, I feel crappy about myself. So do I. Do you want to come over and have sex? So that was like part of the thing. But then the magical thing that happened was we got in this relationship, we loved each other, and we showered each other with affection and sex and love. And over time, we started to feel better about ourselves, you know? So like at the end of the six years, we were both feeling okay, and we were both sort of secretly, independently wondering what it would be like to sort of like, give having sex with someone else a go, you know what I mean? And that's when the relationship began to crumble. And even though we still loved each other, we ended up breaking up. And he asked me to move out of our shared house. And I was devastated, but it was sort of devastated where you think you feel bad, but something's going to happen that's going to make you feel worse. And for me that was finding out that like three weeks after I moved out, he started sleeping, sleeping with this 22 year old blonde assistant at the same company we worked at. She sat like five feet away from me. Yeah, what a fucker, right? She, I was, I am normally a level headed human being. I went fucking apeshit. I went berserker. I didn't know how to handle this. It was the worst thing that ever happened to me in my life. It was a month. Part of six years is the worst thing. And what made it even worse is she was absolutely like a Jewish girl's worst shiksa nightmare. Do you know what I mean? She was like blonde, she was petite, she was waify, she had a pert nose and no visible body hair. It was just like the worst thing. So as a Jew, I hated her for being everything that I wasn't. But then the worst fucking thing was that someone who was in the know told me that she was also a Jew. And I was like, oh my God. I was like, how could remember my own tribe betray me this way? And the worst thing was that now there was the potential for her to actually be neurotic and interesting, you know what I mean? And I couldn't just imagine her as this sort of emotionless wasp, which is what I had been thinking to make myself feel better. And I know that it's wrong to ethnically stereotype people, but I feel like if you already hate them for really valid reasons already, it's okay. It's all right. So I was having a breakdown, just a total breakdown. But I was like, okay, I'm a normal human being. I will take the routes people can take to recover from this in a normal amount of time. So I tried going to therapy to talk it out. Didn't work. I tried going to the gym to work it out. That didn't work. Instead I fell into this depressive fucking spiral where I couldn't think about anything. I was just ruled by these two horrible urges. One was the urge to just sort of masochistically think about how much prettier she was than me. And everything about her that was, I don't know, just so much more perfect and sexier and better than the other urge was that I needed to find out anything, something about her, something about her personality that would allow me to hate her, that would allow me to feel superior to her. Like some bit of dirt on her that would prove she was actually shitty. That wasn't what I planned to say, but it's really what was here. So one day I'm whining on the phone to my friend Wendy, God bless Wendy. And I'm like, and I want to hate her, I want to hate her. What can I find out to make her hateable? And she was like, well, have you tried Googling her Now? I was a nerd, but I was not a geek, so I didn't know what Google was. I didn't know and I'm sure, right, you all know what it is. If there's one or two people here, I'll explain it. Google is the most powerful thing ever invented on the planet. It is this fucking insane search engine that allows you to be crazy and stalk someone from the comfort of your own fucking home, right? It is a more important invention than fire or the wheel as far as I am concerned. So she was like, why don't you Google her? And I was like, sha, I am going to Google the crap out of this girl because I knew her name. So I went to the little search window and I entered her name. I won't say her name here, but needless to say it was Slutskank. So I google her and I didn't understand the power of Google so I wasn't really expecting anything to happen. But within 3 seconds this link comes up and it takes me to this article that had been an interview with her from her college newspaper freshman year. And it was like this thing where she was like the campus celebrity of the day. And I was like, that's retarded. So hopefully that would prove that she too was retarded. But that's not what fucking happened. Listen to this. So the thing comes up, there's a photo of her and it's the most adorable photo of a human being ever taken. She couldn't look blonder or more waspy Jewish. She's like wearing lowrider sweatpants before anyone even knew about those. And like a thing with a cow on it and she's just in a 3/4 grate. And that drove me nuts and I was scared to move on to the article, but I did. It was an interview. And in the interview she revealed that her greatest desire goal in life was to become a stand up comic, a famous stand up comic. And I was like, fuck me because that was my secret goal. That was my goal and I had always wanted to do that since I was a kid, but I never had the, I'd never had the moxie to do it. And here it was, I was reading, she was already in a Sketch group. Oh, my God. I was like, so, okay, so she looks waspy, but she's Jewish. She's banging my boyfriend and she's already, like, apparently on her way to achieving my dream. This cannot stand. And I decided if we were both like, aiming for the moon, right? We both have the same goal. I was like, that's going. This is going to be a fucking space race, right? And if it kills me, I'm going to be John fucking Glenn. I'm getting there first, right? So I start to perform. It's the ironic thing. I've never been more miserable in my life. And I start trying to write jokes and go perform. I'm going to open mics and it's depressing and I hate it. But over time, it's like, slowly improving. I get to do book shows. So it goes from like two or three depressing open mics to four or five like, okay shows a week. But all along I'm still just like manically depressed, right? And I'm like, Googling her endlessly and looking at the picture. And that picture became the focal point not only of my loathing for her, but my loathing for myself. And I literally, like five or six times a day would just stare at the photo. And I felt terrible in myself. And my therapist was like, if you don't stop Googling her, I'm going to call your doctor and put you on Prozac. And I didn't want to go on Prozac because I was scared that one of the side effects of Prozac would be that I would become less witty. And being witty was sort of the only side effect of being depressed. That was working for me, you know what I mean? So you really should not clap. But so I was like, fuck. So I decided to keep performing. And I'm not going to go on Prozac yet. So I'm performing. So one day I'm doing this show. It's at like, a slightly better place than I usually do it. And I'm watching the audience stream in, you know, filling in before the show starts. And who walks in but her? She comes in. The show had been advertised in timeout New York. My name. It was very clear. She must have known I was going to be there. I was like, what fucking kind of weird drive by shit is this? Because she sat in the front fucking row. It was clear. And I was like, oh, my God, I felt so terrible. I was looking, looking at her. She was pretty. I barely could go on. And it just so upset me I managed to do it, and I ran out as soon as I was done, I ran home because I needed to have my nightly loathe fest with the photo, right? I'm sitting, I'm just like, how could she do it? I'm about to Google her, and all of a sudden it occurs to me maybe the reason she came there is because she's also obsessed with me. Like, I'm the girl before she's dating this guy. I was with him for six years, so she must be curious, must be driving her crazy. And I was like, what if she's Googling me? And I don't know why it had never occurred to me to try Googling myself. I think I thought there was a rule against it or something, or that the computer would implode, the self absorption wouldn't be handled. But I was like, I'm going to do it. I type my name in, I Google myself. And to my shock and amazement, there's like shit there on the computer about me. I didn't put it there. And it's all stuff about performing. It's all, like, links to advertising for shows. I had done stuff that was still there. One or two just really brief, nice mentions about things just sort of briefly made me feel better because it was like, okay, if this is the space race, maybe fucking little Sputnik bitch is not as far ahead of me as I thought, but whatever, okay, so just like, take a breath. But it did. So it made me feel better. And I realized that it was the only antidote to, like, the shitty feelings I had when I would Google her was to Google myself. And that's how I became obsessed with Googling myself. And here's the thing about Googling yourself. It's as dirty as it sounds. You know what I mean? It is master. It just is. Masturbating. There's no. Like, you have this urge to do it, but you don't want anyone to know you're doing it. But the thing is just like masturbation. People deny it, but everyone does it. You know what I mean? But I would. I would Google myself. I would look at things, I would see if anything new was coming up, blah, blah, blah. So anyway, I couldn't stop. I was Googling her and Googling myself, Googling her, Googling myself. Feeling bad, feeling good. Okay, so one day I do a show at Irving Plaza. It was like this big thing. Do the show, next day, you know, normal stuff. Come home, Google myself, want to check in, want to check in, and something new pops up. And it's this thing, the heading, it's this link. It says funny Girl. I'm like, what's this? And I click on it and it takes me to Craigslist. Yes. Do we know what Craigslist is? If anyone here doesn't know, it's just like hippy dippy bulletin board. People renting apartments and giving each other bikes and shit. But there's this thing on it called Missed Connections. And. And that's what Funny Girl was from. And Missed Connections is like that, you know, on the back of the voice, like when people see each other on the street and you're walking down the street and you see someone cute or whatever and you don't have the guts to talk to them. And then the next day you write something. It's like, hey, I saw you on 6th Avenue and 8th Street. You're wearing a Metallica T shirt. I like Metallica, Please call me. You know, like that. And it's like billions of them. And that's what Funny Girl was. Someone wrote they'd seen me at the Irving pilot show. It was like, funny Girl, like, hey, Jessi Klein, I saw you at the show and I thought you were really adorable. I wanted to talk to you afterwards, but I didn't have the guts. You can email me. This is the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me my entire life. I've never had someone just sort of like me without putting a lot of work into it. Like when I used to want to hook up with guys, it was like a huge exertion of personality, which was exhausting. It's exhausting to have a personality. Like, I'd watch. Oh fuck, fuck, fuck me. So, okay, so, so, ah, so okay, so I was like, oh my God, that's amazing. So, ah, damn you and your violin. Curses. Okay, so that was this like incredible thing and I was overjoyed. And I talked to my friend Nick about it. I was like, nick, should I email this guy? And he was like, jesse, he looked at the date. He's like, wasn't that posted the day after you did that show where you did the joke about how you like to put guys balls in your mouth? And I was like, what's your point? What is your point? He likes me. He really likes me. Anyway, so there was like, take a couple days to think about it. Right? In the space of those few days, I continued to Google myself. More shit started popping up on Craigslist about me. The second thing was from a totally different guy. And he's like, I Saw you performing. But this one was kind of creepy. It wasn't as brief and adorable. It was like, ugh. And that's when I was like, yeah, maybe the people on Craigslist miss connections are not dating material. But it could sort of be funny material for the stage because it's really the greatest website ever. So I started doing this bit all around town about Craigslist and missed connections. And I found out that when I did it, by saying it, I was like inviting every delinquent loon to my little app because they would. People would email shit to me because they knew I looked at it and stuff kept popping up and popping up. What I didn't immediately know was that a lot of it was from my fucking friends. Because once I told them about the first two, they were like, haha, wouldn't it be funny to like fake her out? So it's like these decoys. But I didn't care because if you looked on Craigslist, it looked like I was hot shit for like a week. I was like, awesome. I was such hot shit. I'm almost near. Please don't play it again. So you're very good. But one day I come. It's like within this special two weeks. I get back to my office from lunch and I have a voicemail on my phone from a man who identifies himself as a writer for the fucking New Yorker. And he says hello. He's like, I've seen all this stuff about you on Craigslist. I would like to write a talk of the town piece about you and like this crazy trend. Please call me. Oh my God. What better revenge on the ex boyfriend and on the slut skank than for them to read an article in the New Yorker about the fact that I am hot and I am funny and I have fucking groupies. Oh my God. Oh my fucking God. And I was like, I did it. I called him, it was done deal. I was like, bitch, I made it to the moon first. How's it fucking feel down there, bitch? With no one writing about you in the New Yorker, the most legitimate publication ever, right? I've won. I've won. I'm on the moon. But then something happened, which was that the article didn't happen. Oh, she loves the pity. No, it didn't happen. Two days later he called. I don't even remember why it didn't happen. I'm really. Three more seconds. I don't know why it didn't happen. He was very nice on the phone. He called me, pitched it to his Editor. For some reason, he couldn't get it through. I was really nice on the phone back. I was like, that's okay. Don't worry. Okay, fine, Hang up. I was more disappointed than I'd ever been in my life. And I started bawling, bawling, having a breakdown, bawling, crying. And during that ball fest, I had this epiphany where I left my body. It was like my soul suddenly was like, I can't take it. I left my body. I floated up to the top of the office. I looked down. I was like, let's take a lay of land here. I'm in my office where I have not done any work for my employer in about six months because I've been diddling myself on the Internet constantly. And I'm crying. I'm crying and I'm disappointed. But why? Not because I didn't get the article in the New Yorker, but because the ex boyfriend and the skank wouldn't read it? That's fucked up, right? And it was sort of like at that second, it all just sort of like, dawned on me that in the years since the breakup, I'd become so obsessed with being this race to make other people laugh that I lost my ability to laugh at myself. I was like, if I could just regain the ability to step back and look at all the crazy things I've been doing since this thing happened, I would be a better comic. Like, this would be material. This is much funnier than anything I've been trying to write. And moreover, I would be a happier person. So that's what I did. And I've become a better comic, and I've become a happier person. And the other thing I decided was I really need to try to get laid. I'm desperate. And I tried to do that, and after a year, it kind of worked. And I've been dating this guy that I really like, and I don't look at that girl's picture anymore. But he and I Google each other constantly. Thank you very much.

[Kathryn Burns]

That was Jesse Klein. Jesse did really well that night. So much so that the actor Ethan Hawke, who followed Jesse in the show, actually had a little unraveling moment on stage before he told his own story. And we want to share that with you.

[Jesse Klein]

All right, a couple things to say before I start. One is that it's very hard to follow Jesse Klein. She's really, really funny. And if you can imagine being nervous about going on and then listening to her be so funny, it's kind of painful. It was very painful over there. It really was. And then point two is. Could I have your email address? Okay, very good.

[Kathryn Burns]

That's all for this week. Thanks, everyone, for listening. Podcast production by Mooj Zaidi. Moth events are recorded by Argo Studios in New York City, supervised by Paul Ruest. The Moth podcast is presented by prx, the Public Radio Exchange, helping make public radio more public at prx.

[Jesse Klein]

Org.