Jesse Klein (3:50)
Hi everybody. So on the morning of my 28th birthday, I woke up at the happiest place on Earth, AKA the Enchanted Kingdom, AKA Disney World, AKA what the hell am I doing here? And actually, I was there for the wedding of my little sister, who in a sort of like Sixteen Candles twist, had decided that she was going to get married on the day before my birthday at Disney World. And just to be clear, it wasn't like she and her fiance were like, quote unquote, getting married at Disney World, like ironically, like ha ha. So funny. You know, like, it wasn't like drinking PBR wearing like Von Dutch trucker cap irony funny. It was more like she and her fiance were both like super fucking into Disney World and like mega psyched to get married there. That's their thing. Now the thing is, my family is Jewish, obviously, and my sister's fiance's family, they're conservative Jews. So when we found out they wanted to get married at Disney World, we were collectively very surprised and collectively super not stoked. And my dad nominated me to have the talk with her about maybe not doing this. And the talk was basically me saying to my sister, you know, Walt Disney was a Nazi, right? Mauschwitz, lol. And my sister is like, jessie, ugh. The people who work at Disney aren't Nazis anymore. And I'm all, aren't they? But she was very stubborn about it. That's what they wanted to do. And she was insistent on going forward with this plan, which meant that I was going to spend my birthday sliding into my 30s as a single girl celebrating the wedding of my little sister at Disney World. Yay. So just to give you a little bit of background, I am the middle sibling of three little sister, older brother. And at this point in the story, both of my siblings have found their partners on the worldwide interweb. I am the only single one of the group. Still am. That's not really the point right now. Just putting it out there if anyone really gives a shit or whatever, but. And while I'm very happy for them, I'm also very disturbed for myself. Because the thing is, when we were kids, we were all super nerdy. Hard to imagine, I'm sure we were super. We were shock and awe nerds. But comparatively I was like the least nerdy. So I always imagined that if any of us were going to find someone, it would be me, you know, and my like mantra when I was with him was always like, good luck nerds. Hope you find someone. And you know, and now they've like both married, you know, my brother had married and she is marrying like very nice people. And I am the one who's home alone eating like macadamia nut, lonely heart chunk ice cream and listening to the Ally McBeal soundtrack. Which that's sad and true, but I will say number one, it was a zeitgeist thing and Vonda Shepard was a talent. I don't. I just, I'm not gonna. Anyway, I digress. People who know what I'm talking about, you know. Anyway, so like a couple weeks before the wedding, my sister informs me that she and her fiance have decided to spend a little extra to have the characters attend the reception, of course. And I decide that if I am single and I'm going to be spending my birthday weekend at Disney World, then I am definitely fucking one of the characters while I'm there. And I kind of put my hopes on Tigger, who I've always kind of had a thing for. I like his barrel chest and his upbeat approach to life. We all can dream. So my plan is to leave Friday morning for the rehearsal dinner, which is Friday night. And because I leave everything to the last minute, I don't pick up my bridesmaid dress till Thursday morning. It's like a floor length, lavender embroidered sateen thing. It's just beautiful. Anyway, so I have it. And then around 4:30 that afternoon, as I'm wrapping up a long day of personal emailing and Googling myself. All of a sudden the lights pop out and my computer goes off and the Northeast is plunged into the worst blackout in the history of the United States. I don't know if anyone remembers that fun time. And it's just a clusterfuck. And so with the subways not working, I join, you know, just like remembers like the throngs of humanity trudging through the August heat from Midtown. I have to walk home to Brooklyn just with like thousands of other New Yorkers. But I noticed that I'm the only one carrying a 30 pound bridesmaid dress over my shoulder. And I realized somewhere around Varick street that I have become a Kathy cartoon. Like just that horrible woman from the comics who like hates horizontal stripes and doesn't want to shop for a bathing suit. And it was like argh, sweat beads. And was like ugh. So with all of the power out, I really almost did not make it to the wedding. And in fact I did not make it to the rehearsal dinner. I went to the terminal at JFK the next day to the Delta terminal and I discovered that all the power is out there. And miraculously, in a post 911 world, they also have no plan for dealing with no power, like at all. And in fact, some guy gets on a megaphone and tells all of the people that it's a crapshoot as to whether any planes are going to take off. And crapshoot isn't a word you want to hear anywhere near air travel. It's like maybe, maybe not. And so actually I didn't make it. No planes take off that day. And I get home desperately trying to find any plane to get me to Disney World the next day. There is one ticket left on any carrier. It's on Continental, one way, New York to Orlando. It's $800, which is what I spent going to Japan round trip a few months before. But I have to buy it. It's my sister's wedding and it's Disney World. And so the next morning I go to the flight. I'm so stressed and nervous before the flight that as soon as I sit down I take an Ambien. I forget that you should not take a whole Ambien before a two hour flight. So oops. So when I land, I am wildly hallucinating, right? Wildly seeing double, greeted by a wedding planner who's like, go directly to hair. And I'm like, I'm going. And then just melting, everything's melting. And the Ambien just starts to wear off. Sometime around the beginning of the reception, at which point I'm so exhausted, I just decide the only logical thing to do is get really drunk and wait for the characters to arrive. The amazing thing about the way they do the character entries at a Disney wedding is that they go. Is that they go B list, and then C list, and then A list, right? So first Donald and Daisy come in, right? And then Chip and Dale, the Chipmunks. And then just when you're, like, going crazy, you can't wait another second, you're gonna burst. Mickey and Minnie are here. Mickey and Minnie are here. You're like, yay. And it's, like, staggered. And so Mickey and Minnie come in, and they start us doing the hora because it is a Jewish wedding for real. And the character whose hand I end up holding is Dale's. And pretty quickly, I find myself in a flirtation that I can best describe as smoldering, because, like, at first we're dancing, and then we're, like, slow dancing. And, like, my torso is pressed against his, like, furry little underbelly. And I think part of the reason it's so sort of sensuous. Two things. One, like, they're not allowed to speak. So there's silence. You can't talk at all. Nothing. And then the other thing is, you can't see into their eyes. All you see are just these black dots of, like, vast, endless hatred. And so sexy. So a few hours later, I am, like, so wasted, but totally happy. Me and Dale are entwined. We are the envy of all the other interspecies couples in the room. And lady in Red is playing, and I have my head on Dale's shoulder, and I realize there's never gonna be a more perfect moment to make my move. So I, like, squeeze his paw, and then I step back, and I'm like. And I try to be sexy, right? And as sexy as you can be after, like, three vodka tonics, two Disney Chardonnays, and a 10 milligram Ambien. And I'm like, look, I'm having a really great time with you, and I kind of. I don't want it to end. I am staying at the Contemporary resort in room 239. And if you would. I don't know if you want to come back to my room, but you're totally invited. And Dale just, like, stops and takes a step back, and then he just goes. And that was the moment when I realized, oh, my God, if he consummates this, he will probably be fired, potentially also killed. You know, like, we're in a kingdom, like, who knows what laws apply. And then it wasn't until a few days later that I, like literally maybe a week. I was like person in the costume. Not necessarily a man. Actually, probably not. Anyway, it was a night. The next morning I wake up. It is my birthday. I am on a twin size bed, alone, on Eeyore sheets. And even though my flight is not till 10, I leave there at 6am because the room is so unbearably disgusting. I cannot be in there another second. It's so ugly. So I get to the terminal, I watch the sunrise. I wait for the woman to come and start letting people into the gate. And I never ever play the birthday card. I hate that. But because it's been such a crazy weekend, when the woman arrives, I go up to her and I'm like, look at this crazy time getting here. Blackout. Is there any way you could upgrade me to first class? And she's really nice and she's like, you know, there's no first class on this plane. But I promise we'll take care of you. Great, fine. I figure maybe an extra blanket. That sounds perfect. So people start to arrive at the gate. It's like a couple hundred people, whatever. And then we find out we're going to be delayed again. So everyone's cranky and the woman gets on the, you know, loudspeaker finally. And she's like, okay, I want to thank y'all for choosing Delta Song today. We're probably going to board you in about 20 minutes. But before I do, just want to let you all know we have a birthday girl here today. Her name's Jessie. I think we just all sing her happy Birthday and I'm just like, you bitch. You bitch. You know, just tidal wave of hatred for her. But it's interrupted because everyone, despite the fact that it's super early and we're delayed and everyone's really upset, everyone starts to sing Happy Birthday to me and that, you know, like, really sweet. And it just suddenly, it was like, it just changed everything. I was like, this has actually all been leading to this moment. And I feel like people like, I have this like optimism now. Like, people are really nice. People are basically good. You know, we're all just on this crazy blue marble together and, you know, one love and it's like so just lovely, you know. And then we get on the plane and I get like a plastic glass of champers. So, so nice. And I just sit in my seat and I'm like, I'm making everything's fine. Like, I feel I've done it. I made it through this weekend. It's my birthday, it's going to be fine. And I'm really relaxed and. And then like about, I don't know, half an hour into the flight, just feeling good with the champers. And all of a sudden the woman gets on the thing and she's like, we're gonna be short flight today. Gonna be cruising back into New York in about 45 minutes. And thank you all for choosing Delta song today. I do wanna, I do want to just let y'all know we have a birthday girl here on the plane today, so why don't we all sing her happy Birthday? And I'm like, no, because it's so obvious. Everyone's looking at me. Everyone's like, what? You know what I mean? Like, because it's so clear. The woman at the gate did not communicate with the woman on the plane. And like now it seems like I'm a jackass. Like I'm the kind of person who tells everyone I meet it's my birthday. Like I'm five years old, like some douche and I'm so embarrassed. And then this guy like eight seats behind me says super loud. He goes, we already fucking sang it. And I just, I was like, oh, right. People are basically bad. People are basically bad. And just slouched down in my seat, waited to get back to New York where the lights were finally back on. Thank you guys so much.
