Podcast Summary: "The Moth" Episode Featuring Josh Axelrad’s "The Gold Watch"
Introduction
In the September 19, 2011 episode of The Moth podcast, titled "The Gold Watch," storyteller Josh Axelrad shares a compelling and deeply personal narrative that intertwines themes of financial desperation, identity crisis, and the perilous allure of gambling addiction. Recorded live at The Moth in 2010, Axelrad's story delves into his tumultuous journey from a successful professional blackjack player to a man grappling with overwhelming debt and the impending loss of his cherished inheritance.
Financial Struggles and Therapeutic Advice
At the outset of his story, Axelrad sets the stage with his severe financial predicament. He recounts a particularly harrowing period marked by five consecutive days of insomnia and escalating anxiety. The catalyst for his distress was a visit to his psychiatrist, who attributed his sleeplessness to his dire financial situation: “I was carrying about $30,000 in credit card debt and had less than a grand in my checking account. Minimum payments due in a week that I couldn't quite make” (03:01). This stark revelation pushed Axelrad to the brink, forcing him to confront the possibility of seeking employment—an idea he vehemently resisted, given his existing circumstances.
The Life of a Card Counter
Axelrad’s financial woes are intricately linked to his past as a professional blackjack player. Three years prior to his financial downfall, he had sold a book proposal, “Repeat Until Rich: A Professional Card Counters Chronicle of the Blackjack Wars,” to a major New York publishing house. Ironically, he had yet to write the manuscript, a situation exacerbating his insomnia and anxiety. The memoir was to chronicle his experiences with a group of professional card counters who, for five years, earned a living by systematically winning money from casinos through blackjack.
He provides an insightful explanation of card counting: “Blackjack is this game where certain cards in the deck are disproportionately favorable to players...When you find a deck that's rich in these good player favorable cards, you bet more and that's it” (03:01). This strategic approach, however, inevitably draws the ire of casinos. As Axelrad elaborates, casinos employ sophisticated methods to identify and blacklist card counters, including sharing photographs and tracking betting patterns across different establishments.
Casino Hostility and Adopting a Persona
Axelrad narrates his gradual entrenchment into an increasingly hostile environment within the gambling world. Starting in Las Vegas, he enjoyed the perks of unrecognized play, but over time, casinos began to recognize him, limiting his opportunities and forcing him to relocate to less reputable establishments like the Majestic Star in Gary, Indiana. The Majestic Star, in Axelrad’s vivid description, was a "terrible shithole," characterized by poor conditions and a stringent no-tolerance policy toward card counters.
Faced with the inevitability of being ousted, Axelrad devised a coping mechanism: adopting a "lobotomized" persona to mask his card counting activities. “I thought, that’s it. My act is lobotomized” (07:45). This act involved minimal verbal communication and exaggerated physical cues, such as "grunting and drooling," to project an image of cognitive impairment. Remarkably, this strategy paid off when a casino supervisor mistook his act for genuine incompetence, leading to unexpected hospitality: “a few minutes later, he was grabbing my arm and offering me comps and he never even threw me out” (10:15). This success emboldened Axelrad to continue using this persona across various casinos, temporarily preserving his lucrative card counting career.
The Decline: From Card Counting to Online Poker
Despite his initial success with the lobotomized act, external factors began to erode Axelrad’s card counting profitability. The casino environment in Las Vegas became increasingly hostile, and his group of card counters eventually disbanded due to mounting pressures and reduced earnings. Concurrently, Axelrad grappled with the psychological burden of writing his memoir. He confessed, “every time I started a sentence in which the blackjack stories were taking place in the past tense, I couldn't quite bear it” (12:30), highlighting his emotional struggle to detach from his former life.
In an attempt to cope with his creative stagnation, Axelrad turned to online poker, initially viewing it as a harmless diversion. However, what began as a minor procrastination quickly spiraled into a full-blown addiction. He describes the transition: “I continued to play, having entered a period of really being somewhat out of control” (14:05). This shift not only diverted his focus from writing but also introduced him to the treacherous realm of online gambling, where he found himself in a "different sort of cognitive space" that mirrored the exhilarating uncertainty of blackjack (14:45).
Attempts at Recovery and Hitting Bottom
Axelrad's downward trajectory continued as his losses in online poker mounted uncontrollably. From an initial loss of $2,000 within a month, his debt ballooned to $50,000 over the span of a year. Recognizing the severity of his situation, he sought professional help, only to face rejection and further isolation. His experiences with therapy were disheartening: “I can’t see you anymore. You’re too unstable” (15:10). This rejection deepened his despair, making him feel alienated from traditional support systems like Gamblers Anonymous.
Undeterred by his exclusion from support groups, Axelrad continued his destructive gambling habits, ultimately identifying himself as a "full-time professional losing gambler." His story poignantly captures the internal conflict between his former disciplined self and the losing, desperate individual he had become.
The Pawning Incident and Self-Realization
A pivotal moment in Axelrad’s narrative occurs when he visits a pawnshop to sell his inherited solid gold Bulgari watch—a symbol of his grandfather’s legacy and his own former prosperity. Under the influence of exhaustion and desperation, he confronts the reality of his situation. The interaction with the pawnshop owner serves as a critical mirror reflecting his self-degradation: “Was I the ultimate degenerate who actually pawns the last thing he has from his grandpa to get enough money to live for another month?” (22:00).
This encounter forces Axelrad to confront his fractured identity. The refusal of the pawnshop owner to meet his valuation of the watch symbolizes the devaluation of his own worth and the loss of his heritage. The realization that he might be sacrificing everything he values for fleeting financial relief is heartbreakingly captured when he decides to reclaim his watch: “I grabbed the watch. I said, maybe, you know, another time. Not. Not today” (23:15).
Seeking a Temporary Solution
In a final act of desperation, Axelrad turns to a familiar yet unsustainable method to stave off his financial collapse: obtaining a cash advance on his already strained credit. This decision underscores the cyclical nature of his struggles, where each attempt to rectify his situation only perpetuates his dependency and instability. He reflects, “this is not a sustainable way of life, but it buys me a month, and that’s what I want right now. Just a little more time” (24:30). This moment encapsulates the essence of his internal battle—balancing between immediate relief and long-term ruin.
Conclusion and Reflections
Josh Axelrad’s "The Gold Watch" is a raw and unflinching portrayal of a man caught in the relentless grip of gambling addiction. Through his narrative, Axelrad explores the thin line between control and chaos, illustrating how the very strategies that once brought him success ultimately led to his downfall. His journey from a confident card counter to a broken individual highlights the insidious nature of addiction and the challenges of seeking redemption.
Notable Quotes:
- “I was carrying about $30,000 in credit card debt and had less than a grand in my checking account.” (03:01)
- “I thought, that’s it. My act is lobotomized.” (07:45)
- “I continued to bet large...he never even threw me out.” (10:15)
- “I couldn't quite bear” writing about his blackjack past. (12:30)
- “I was now a full time professional losing gambler.” (16:50)
- “I grabbed the watch. I said, maybe, you know, another time. Not. Not today.” (23:15)
- “This is not a sustainable way of life, but it buys me a month, and that’s what I want right now.” (24:30)
Axelrad’s story serves as a poignant reminder of the fragile balance between ambition and self-destruction. It underscores the importance of recognizing the signs of addiction and seeking help before it irrevocably alters one’s life. The Moth episode masterfully captures this struggle, offering listeners a deeply human and relatable tale of loss, desperation, and the enduring hope for redemption.