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- [00:00]
Rosetta Stone Advertiser
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- [01:09]
Dan Kennedy
Welcome to the Moth Podcast. I'm Dan Kennedy. This week we bring you two slam stories. And for those of you that don't know our story slams are our open mic storytelling competitions. The first story we're going to hear by Josh Blau was recorded live at the Moth Story Slam in June of this year. The theme of the night was outnumbered.
- [01:36]
Josh Blau
Thanks. So it's September 2001. Kind of a hard time in New York. Kind of sad. I'm feeling very upset. We're all upset. And my wife says to me, you, you know, I think I want to get pregnant again. And I said, well, you know, I don't know. We already have two daughters. Emma's four, Sarah's three. You know, I'm very happy. I don't want another baby. She says, yes, we should. After September 11th, I think it'll show Osama bin Laden who's, you know, I'm like, what the hell does Osama bin Laden care about us having a baby? I don't even think he'd know. And she says, yes, and we need a baby. We have two girls and we should have a boy, and we need a boy named after your father. And I'm like, my father's been dead for like 25 years. Loved my father and he doesn't care. We had a dog named Sam, and that was my father's name. And whenever my mother called my father, the dog would come. And my father Said, I never want anybody named Sam again around me ever. So I said, he doesn't want anybody named after him. She's like, well, yes, we should do it. And I felt very bad. And I said, well, I tried to pull out the last hope. And I said, listen, you know, we shouldn't have sex now because we're in mourning and it's a bad time, and I don't want to enjoy anything. And she says, look, this sex won't be enjoyable for sure. And I. You know. So I think maybe she's right. Maybe we should try for a third. But we live in Manhattan, and I'm so stressed anyway, and I'm a cpa, and I'm trying to support the family, but I'm like, you know what? We're kind of old, and it's probably not going to happen. So, sure, I'll go for it. You know, we're having, like, a lot of sex. And she was right. It totally wasn't fun. Because you've got to know. The thing is, you've got to have it, like, at a certain time. Anybody who's gotten pregnant, I don't know. So, anyway, so you. But when you're trying to have a baby, you know, there are times, and you got to, you know, it's position. And she's on her head. Nah, man, whatever. So she. But we're trying, and it's. It's. It's the end of September, and we're trying. I'm at work and she calls me and she says, oh, Josh, you're not gonna believe it. This is such great news. And I'm like, oh, really? What's the news? And she says, listen, I'm. I'm pregnant. And, you know, a client is sitting down. Listen, I can't really talk right now. She says, yeah, it's. This is so exciting. It's a boy. And I'm like, oh, my God, we're gonna have a boy. That's so great. But I'm kind of not feeling that way. But I say that. But you know what? I do. She's pregnant. And she says, and you know what? We're also. We're gonna have a girl, too. And I'm like, oh, my God. And I tell the client to please leave because we're just talking about their taxes, and I don't give a shit about their taxes. I'm like, we're gonna have a girl, too. Wow. Twins. And she goes, no, it's not twins. There's another boy in there. And I'm like, What the fuck do you have going on in there? And so she tells me we're having triplets. I am. I should be happy. I'm so devastated. And we have this, like, little apartment in Manhattan. And I'm looking, I'm opening drawers, thinking, where the hell are we going to put all these kids? I mean, the two girls in their bedroom with the clouds? This place is going to be ruined. And then I'm thinking about diapers and tuition. Tuition money, money, money, money. That's all I can think about. And if I tell you I'm thinking, well, you know, this is a very bad thought, and I know I should be happy, I'm thinking, well, you know, it's not really likely that she'll go full term with triplets. And that's. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. I also was upset at the thought, but it's a thought. You have a lot of thoughts during the day. Anyway, so. But anyway, yeah. So it turns out she's getting bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger. She gets, like, huge, and then she has three amnios, you know, like, and they're all fine. And. Oh, my God. But I'll tell you the turning point. She names them. And once you name them, you can't, you know. You know, it's Jacob, Sam, and Lucy. And she knows where Jacob is. And she says, jacob looks like you. And I'm like, how the hell do you know he looks like me? Anyway, so she. She's getting gigantic. And by the way, that sex all the time, that's over. That is so over. And I'm, like, longing for those days. So meanwhile, you know, I swear, it's like eight months of just thinking about, how am I going to do this? Five kids in Manhattan. It's just not going to work out. I can't do it. I'm leaving. But I don't leave. I don't. I stay. And the. The day comes, she's huge. It's just going to be a C section. And, like, her water breaks. But if I tell you it's like a little tsunami. The water breaks. We go to the hospital, but she's going to have a C section. But it's not supposed to happen yet. She's like a month early. And so we go to the hospital, and the doctor says, you're having your babies today. And she's like, no, I'm not prepared. He's like, you know, you're having them say. Meanwhile, the two girls are in school. I'm supposed to go home and pack her bag. What the hell do you pack for, Trip? I don't know. She says, you're going home. And then, you know, and she sends me home and she goes into the OR and then I come back with her little bag and there's like 30 doctors in the room because she's gone like almost full term. And they give. Has anybody ever seen an epidural? It's horrible. It's this giant needle. And I'm thinking, oh, it's for me. No. And they put up this curtain and they cut her open. And I know they start. I know exactly how they start pulling out babies. There's like babies coming. They're pulling out babies. I make the mistake of, look, there's blood all over the place. And these kids just keep coming out and I just keep seeing, oh my God, college, college, college. And I just can't even. I'm like thinking, I'm never going to make it through this. And they come out and actually one of them was a little blue. Not Blau, that's my last name. It was a little blue. And you know, but actually they went into the NICU and Lucy was fine. She's the girl. She was fine. She kicks their ass to this day. Anyway, and the triplets were born. Jacob, Sam and Lucy. 405, 406, 407, that's the time. And they were five pounds each. And Emma and Sarah had three siblings instantly, by the way. Sarah, who was three at the time, we kept bringing babies home. She almost had like a nervous breakdown. She was like, oh, a baby. Next day, another baby. She's like, what the fuck is going on? Anyway, today the triplets are nine years old. They are healthy, they're finishing third grade as a matter of fact. Jacob said to me the other day, he said, daddy, I just turned 50. He said, Daddy, for my 50th birthday, will you still be alive? I said, I hope so. Thank you.
- [08:44]
Dan Kennedy
After 20 years of dealing with the IRS and the Department of Labor, Josh Blough, a Manhattan CPA, now shares his tales of low with the world. He and his wife have five children, including nine year old triplets. He's always under a lot of stress. The next story you're about to hear by Aaron Barker was also recorded live at the Moth Story Slam in New York. The theme of the night was friendship.
- [09:15]
Aaron Barker
So when I was a kid, my parents forced me to join the Girl Scouts because all my friends were boys and I had more Nerf guns than Barbie dolls. And I think they were kind of Worried that I was going to grow up to be boring, butch or lesbian or something. Of course. Meanwhile, my little brother was quietly growing up gay in the next room without anyone noticing. But I was forced to join the Girl Scouts. And at first I thought, you know, maybe it won't be so bad. I had friends in the Boy Scouts that learned how to do sweet stuff like, you know, building fires and shooting bows and arrows and shit like that. Not so much. We made flower arrangements and jewelry boxes. It was total bullshit. The worst part was the first day I walked into the first meeting, and it was like walking in front of a firing squad. It turned out every single member of my Girl Scout troop was a girl I'd once hit in the face with a kickball at recess. They were not happy to see me. But there was one member of my troop who did not want to strangle me with her knitting yarn, and that was Emily. And she was this girl who was way too cool to be in Girl Scouts. And we became friends right away. Our friendship was kind of like that of Shawn Hunter and Cory Matthews on Boy Meets World. She was very fun and attractive and had great hair. And she was always getting into mischief. And I was kind of like the awkward one who followed her around going, I don't know if this is such a good idea. So we were best friends, and we stayed best friends until high school when things changed. And the main reason it changed was because I got a boyfriend. And it was really the first relationship either of us had been in beyond sitting next to a guy at lunch or something like that. And things got really weird when I asked her to buy condoms with me, because I'd never done that before. And I was really freaked out about it, but I convinced her to go with me. And so I went into the store, and we got the condoms. I also got a giant bag of M and Ms. To sort of camouflage it. I thought maybe. Maybe the checkout lady won't notice there's condoms if I get these M and Ms. So we go up to the counter, and the woman goes, oh, honey, you don't want to do that. And it's just like, oh, no. This is exactly what I feared. And she starts backing toward the door like, this is your problem. And then we realized that the woman was actually talking to her co worker, who was about to lift a heavy box. So crisis averted. I emerged victorious with both condoms and M&Ms. But things were never really the same between me and Emily. It was kind of like I'd moved on somewhere where she couldn't follow. And there was this distance between us. And this distance sort of grew until senior year of high school. We didn't really talk anymore at all. And when it came time for prom, we didn't go, you know, in the same limo like we always thought we would. We went totally separate with different friends, different dates. So I was surprised when a week before graduation, she called me and asked me to get dinner. So she picks me up, and we drive to O Charlie's, and we're about to get out of the car, and all of a sudden, she bursts into tears. And we aren't criers. That's not what we did. That wasn't what our friendship was about. So I was totally unprepared for these teams. And I was like, what's wrong? You got to tell me what's wrong? And she explains to me that she had gone to prom with this douchey college guy who had convinced her to give him a blow job in his car after prom and then broke up with her directly afterward. And when she told this story to her friends, they informed her that she was now a cocksucker, because that's the obvious way that you respond to that story. Great job, guys. Great job. And so she's sobbing and she's going, it's true, isn't it? I'm a cocksucker. I'm a cocksucker. And I don't know what to say. You know, technically, yes, you know, that's not going to go over well. So I think about it. I got to think fast. And I go, well, I've baked a cake before, but I'm not a baker. Not bad for on the spot, right? And she stares at me and she says, what? And I said, well, you know, I've baked a cake before, but I'm not a baker. You know, I think it's something you have to do habitually on a regular basis before you take on the task Idol. And she looks at me, and she stops crying, and she suddenly bursts out laughing. And just like that, all the ice between us was shattered, and we were friends again. Thank you.
- [14:48]
Dan Kennedy
Aaron Barker is a writer and editor living in New York City. Like almost every every other 20 something in the city. She's currently working on a novel, expected in stores in 2051. She also produces science storytelling show the Story Collider and performs monthly with her storytelling team, Mimsy. The Moth is a nonprofit organization. So consider supporting our free podcast by going to our podcast contribution page or by becoming becoming a moth member and you can do that@themost.org Our podcast host.
- [15:24]
Rosetta Stone Advertiser
Dan Kennedy is the author of the book Rock on An Office Power Ballad. Learn more@rockonthebook.com thanks to all of you.
- [15:32]
Dan Kennedy
For listening and we hope you have a story worthy week. Podcast audio production by Paul Ruest at the Argo Studios in New York Podcast hosting by PRX Public Radio Exchange helping make public radio more public@prx.org.