Kimya Dawson (4:30)

It was the end of September this past year and my band the Moldy Peaches, we were scheduled to go on a tour of the US and Canada. And we were a little nervous about going, we were a little nervous about leaving home, but we decided that we would do the trip anyway. We figured we'd have a little bit of trouble dealing with customs, but just some van full of sketchy kids fleeing the country. But we decided to try it anyway. I had no idea how much trouble we were gonna have. We were headed to Montreal, we got to the border and we're all sitting there while our tour manager was dealing with the people at the desk. And all of a sudden these two customs officer came out and they were like, Kimya Dawson, you're going to have to come with us. I was just like, oh my God, they think I'm a terrorist. You know, I'm the only brown person in the group. And they pull me aside so they Took me into this room off to the side, and it's this little tiny room with a metal desk. And they had me sit down, and they started speaking in French to each other and pointing at me and laughing. And I was just like, they didn't pull anybody else in here. Everybody else already had their passports back. And just like, what could I possibly have done? You know? And the man slams his hands on the desk, and he's like, where were you October 1996? Just like. Like, 96. Like. So I'm thinking, and I'm trying to remember back to 96, and slams his fist down again. He's like, where were you October 1996? And I'm just like, finally figured out in my head. And I was like, what could I have done wrong, you know, that they're pulling me aside for? And then I remembered that I had gotten a DWAI, but I paid the $800 and felt really bad about it for years and lost my license for nine months. And so that couldn't have been what they were, you know, what they wanted to talk to me about. Like, I can't. I don't know. I just couldn't imagine why that would be it. So I was trying to think of what else I could have done. And I was pretty vicious drunk back then. And so I was like, maybe it's about that time that I threw the basket of popcorn at the singer of that bar band that didn't know any Neil diamond songs. And I was like, oh, that can't be it. And I was, maybe it's for the time I lined up all those three olds and made them taste their earwax. Oh, there's no way he knows about that one. So I was thinking. And then all of a sudden, it hit me. In October of 96, I worked in a haunted house in the parking lot of the Jefferson Valley Mall. And I didn't actually work in the haunted house. I worked in the haunted maze behind the haunted house. And what this really was was just a row of tractor trailers with black mesh tarps over them set up in a square. And they went out to the woods behind the mall. And so I had to stand in a corner with a black hooded sweatshirt on and zombie makeup. And I would stand between these two trucks in this little corner. And there was a guy named Dan who would huddle down in a porta Potty that was like 20ft in front of me. And when people would come up the trail, it was like a long trail. And they would start to feel like they were just totally going in the wrong direction. They would see this Porta Potty and be like, oh, sign of life, you know, and they'd walk towards it, and he would fly out and be like, ah. And they would turn around and I'd be right behind them, and I would be like, ooh. And then they'd freak out and run down the path towards the end. And so one night, I was working and our boss came down the trail and he was like, guess what, guess what? Mariah Carey's and the next group of people coming down the trail, and we're just like, you fucking kidding me? And he's like, no, no. Give her the scare of her life. Boss's orders, right? You know, I can do whatever I want. And so, you know, I'm down there huddled down, and Dan's in his Porta Potty. Next thing I know, these three giggling girls come up the trail. And I was just like, can't believe this is happening to me. And so it's, you know, Mariah in the middle and her two friends to the sides of her. And usually I would just wait in the shadows until somebody turned around and then jump in front of them, but this time I walked up really quietly behind them and stood right behind her. And so Dan jumped out of the Porta Potty and they all turned to run, and I was just right in front of Mariah like this, and her friends just took off on both sides of me. And I put my arms out and I was just like, no. And she was like. Even though she was wearing that disguise with the baseball hat and the hooded sweatshirt, the Guess which Celebrity I am disguise, that's not what I was seeing. I was seeing her in that video where she wears the macrame bikini, and she has that look on her face where she's just like, you know, that high school bitch look. That's just like, you fat, ugly loser, stupid little dork. You'll never be a star. You'll never be popular. You'll never hang out with me and my friends. And I was just like. And I backed her into the corner of these two trucks, and I just had her up against the wall. And I was like, come on. And she screamed at the top of her lungs. And I was like, you can do better than that. I know you can do better than that. And she's just like, get away from me. Get away from me. And I was like, no. Hit the high note, bitch. And she was just like. And she was screaming, and I was just like, I was like, come on, who's the hotshot now? Who's the star now? What are you gonna do? And you know, then like a little part of me was like, I don't know her, like, maybe she doesn't deserve this. Maybe she's nice. But I knew that, like I wasn't yelling at her. I was yelling at every girl that had ever made another girl feel bad. And she hit me anyway. So I'm flat on my back, you know, on the ground and she took off screaming. So anyway, I'm standing there, I'm sitting in the customs office and you know, the guy slams his fists on the desk one more time and he's like, where were you October 1996? And I was just like, I'm sorry I scared Mariah Carey. And he was like, no, you got a dwai. And I was like, but that was, you know, that was dealt with. But it turns out in Canada, any, you know, which is a law I agree with, any drinking related driving offense is considered a felony. And I think that's, you know, a really good law. But I disagree with repunishing someone who's already been punished for something they did wrong. But the guy looks at me and he's like, you're gonna have to pay $250 to cross the border. And you know, I was ready to argue it, you know, like, but I already did my time, you know, like I haven't had a drink in years because I felt so bad, you know, and. But I paid it because it's $250. If I didn't pay it, we'd have to cancel the show that night. And you know, I figure like, if the tables had been turned that night in October of 1996, and instead of just punching me and running away screaming, Mariah had decided to attack my ego that maybe I would have lost my fucking mind. So I'm not saying that I'm responsible for her going craz crazy, but if I was, that'd be pretty fucking cool.

Dan Kennedy (12:44)

Kimya Dawson has been in a number of bands over the years, including the Moldy Peaches and antsy pants. In 2013, she released an album as part of a band she formed with rapper producer Aesop Rock called the Uncluded. And this past summer, Kimya released new solo material on her SoundCloud page. We have a couple more responses from you. We reached out on Twitter and Facebook asking you about your most story worthy costumes. And Erin Bell said that she was a nurse on her first Halloween age five. I was so Excited to trick or treat that I ran around and around the house and I finally ran right into an open kitchen drawer and wound up in the ER getting stitches in my nurse costume. And I got more candy than I would have had. I actually gone door to door. All right, sweet. That worked out. We have one more. This person said their most story worthy costume was a black and white cow costume. I went all over the neighborhood and then some. No one even recognized me. And I got tons of candy. Well, that's just, I think that's just basically Halloween. That's just normal Halloween. Our second story is from Kevin Haas from a show here in New York back in March of 2011. The theme of the night was After Hours. Here's Kevin.

Kevin Haas (14:16)

We're good. When I started working on Bleeger street, the other guys at the bar I worked at told me all sorts of crazy stories about drunks and fights, brawls and, you know, all sorts of mayhem that goes on, people getting jumped out in the street. And my friend Mike, who is a bartender at the bar, actually warned me about walking home late at night. But I've been working there for about six months, had no problems. I've been going home by myself, you know, very capable. So I was a little bit surprised when last Halloween, there was a gang of vampires that told me they were gonna kick my ass outside Thunder Jackson's, which is, you know, two blocks over this way. And you know, I wasn't really that scared. I'm not a fighter at all. I actually, I hate it. I don't even like verbal confrontations. I'll go out of my way to avoid them. But I was with Mike, my friend, the bartender. Another Mike, who's a bouncer at the bar, is a big guy and Ramon, who's a busboy at the bar. So there was four of us. And even though there was eight of them, eight vampires coming at the four of us, I was feeling, you know, I was feeling pretty good because in all these stories they told me they always won the fights at the end, so we'd be fine, right? So anyway, the other thing about these vampires is obviously they're not real vampires. They had the black and white face paint, but they were also wearing leather Yankees hats and gold chains. So they weren't that intimidating. And they were also pieces of shit because we were inside Thunder Jackson's two minutes before and I saw one of them was a chubby fat headed vampire. Go up to these two guys that were foreigners and he said something to one of them and the Guy leaned in to answer him, and the chubby vampire slapped him in the face. Then he ran back to his eight other vampire friends, and they all yelled at him, come do something. Come do something. And these two poor guys looked at each other, said something in French. I don't speak French. But I think it was probably, those guys outnumber us and our crazy looking vampires. Let's get out of here. So they did, and the bar closed right after that. And we're standing outside. Well, one of the other vampires came up to Ramon, the busboy, and asked him if he wanted to go. Which I guess is street for, do you want to fight us? Ramon doesn't speak English that well, and so he kind of looked confused at the guy, and then he looked at us confused. And this guy, funny thing about him was he had a really high voice, the vampire did, and a really thick New York accent. So it came out like a 60s gang movie. Like, he was like, you guys want to go? And then, you know, he saw this look of confusion. He started yelling to his friends, they.

Kimya Dawson (17:00)

Want to go, they want to go.

Kevin Haas (17:02)

And he runs back over there, and next thing we know, eight vampires screaming, let's go. We're gonna kick your ass. Everything else. And again, I'm not. I'm not worried, though, you know, I'm just. I'm just kind of. I'm okay with this because they're not that scary. So they're yelling and how they're gonna kick our ass, but they don't. They just stand there. And all four of us had just worked Halloween shift on Bleecker Street. We're all very tired. We had one beard unwind. The bar was closed. We're going home. So we ignore him, walk around the corner. My friend Mike had his bike locked up there. So we went to go get his bike. We were all taken off. Well, now these guys follow us around the corner. And it changed. Everything got really serious. Cause now they're following us, and something's gonna happen. But the funny thing is, I wasn't scared, except for I had this one little worry. I dressed up as Charlie Brown for my shift, and I had the little curlicue marked on my head. And I was like, did I wash that? If I get into a fight with that on my head, I'm gonna look absolutely ridiculous. They're coming down the block at us, and all of a sudden, Mike the bouncer opens up his bag, and he's got an assortment of weapons to this day that I don't know what they are, and he starts handing them out to everybody. So I get something in my hand, which I think is a knife. Quite honestly, I've never held it before, so I'm not sure. And he goes, as they're coming at us, he goes, all right, brace yourself. I didn't know what that meant, but I'm fooling around with what's in my hand, and there's a button on it. And as they come up to us, I hit the button. The knife flips open. It is a knife. Now, these guys hear the click. And they think it's the click of a gun being cocked because all eight of them at the same time turn around and run back up the block. And at that moment, there happened to be two cops walking by on Bleecker Street. They run up to the cops and start screaming, those guys have guns. You gotta go get them. They're gonna shoot us. The cops, funny enough, are beat cops. They walk Bleecker street all the time. They know all four of us from working at the bar. They actually looked down the block, saw us, gave us a nod, told the vampires to go home, and kept walking. So these guys actually crossed the street, still coming at us, but crossed the block, ran, literally ran down the block. And once they got by us, they yelled, you're lucky the cops were here. As soon as they were gone, all four of us looked at each other and we started. We just burst out laughing. So you know what? There was no brawl at the end of the day. But when I walk home at night, I do look. I'm a little more aware of where I'm at. And now I have my own story to tell at the bar. Thank you very much.

Dan Kennedy (19:55)

Kevin Haas is a writer and storyteller. He says he enjoys sharing stories with a Midwestern point of view on the Moth stages in New York and Los Angeles. Kevin lives in Santa Monica, California with his wonderful wife and dog. That is it for the Moth podcast this week. Thanks to you guys for replying to us on Twitter and Facebook and we hope you have a safe and story worthy Halloween. Also, a special thanks to Kimya Dawson and Aesop Rock the Uncluded for the music in this episode.

Wix and Dropbox Advertiser (20:29)

Dan Kennedy is the author of the books Loser Goes First. Rock on and American Spirit. He's also a regular host and performer with the Moth.

Dan Kennedy (20:38)

The Moth podcast is produced by Whitney Jones. Moth events are recorded by Argo Studios in New York City, supervised by Paul Rueest. The Moth Podcast and the Moth Radio Hour are presented by prx, the Public radio Exchange, Helping make public radio more public@prx.org.

Wix and Dropbox Advertiser (21:08)

The Moth podcast is supported by William Morrow presenting. Trigger Warning by Neil Gaiman, now out in paperback. The New York Times Book Review says that Neil Gaiman is like a conjurer who shows us how the magic trick is worked, joins us in laughing at its transparency and simplicity, and makes us believe in it anyway. Trigger Warning is a collection of short fiction featuring an exclusive American God story and more. Trigger Warning by Neil Gaiman, now in paperback from William Morrow.