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- [00:00]
Dan Kennedy
As we approach the end of the year, I'm thinking about the next. Next year is the year I finally make my Spanish better than my 9 year olds. Rosetta Stone is the most trusted language learning program available on desktop or as an app, and it truly immerses you in the language that you want to learn. I can't wait to use Rosetta Stone and finally speak better than my 9 year old who's been learning Spanish in his own way. Rosetta Stone is the trusted expert for 30 years with millions of users and 25 languages offered. Spok Spanish, French, Italian, German, Korean. I could go on fast language acquisition. Rosetta Stone immerses you in many ways. There are no English translations, so you can really learn to speak, listen and think in that language. Start the new year off with a resolution you can reach today. The Moth listeners can take advantage of this Rosetta Stones lifetime membership for 50% off, visit rosettastone.com moth that's 50% off. Unlimited access to 25 language courses for the rest of your Life. Redeem your 50% off@RosettaStone.com moth today.
- [01:09]
Kimya Dawson
Welcome to the Moth Podcast. I'm Dan Kennedy and the Moth features true stories told live without notes. All stories from the podcast are taken from our ongoing storytelling series in New York, Los Angeles, Detroit and Chicago. We also use stories from our tour shows across the country when we're on the road. If you'd like more information about the Moth, check out the site themoth.org this podcast is brought to you by Audible.com, the Internet's leading provider of audiobooks with more than 75,000 downloadable titles across all types of literature and featuring audio versions of many New York Times best sellers. For listeners of the Moth podcast, Audible is offering a free audiobook and that's to give you a chance to try out their service. One audiobook to consider is Shit My Dad Says by Justin Halpern. The Twitter sensation continues with this hysterical book, which the Los Angeles Times says will, quote, crack up anyone who flips through it. That's Shit, My dad says by Justin Halpern. Available from Audible. To try Audible free today and get a free audiobook of your choice, go to audible.com that's audible.com themoth the story you're about to hear by Kimya Dawson was recorded live at the Players Club here in New York in 2002. The theme of the night was Rock and Roll Saved my Life, Tales of hits and misses.
- [02:35]
It was the end of September this past year, and my band, the moldy Peaches. We were scheduled to go on a tour of the US And Canada. And we were a little nervous about going. We were a little nervous about leaving home, but we decided that we would do the trip anyway. We figured we'd have a little bit of trouble dealing with customs, but, you know, just some van full of sketchy kids fleeing the country, you know. But we decided to try it anyway. I had no idea how much trouble we were going to have. We were headed to Montreal, we got to the border and we're all sitting there while our tour manager was dealing with the people at the desk. And all of a sudden these two customs officers came out and they're like, kimya Dawson, you're gonna have to come with us. I was just like, oh my God, they think I'm a terrorist. You know, I'm the only brown person in the group. And they pull me aside. So they took me into this room off to the side and it's this little tiny room with the metal desk and they had me sit down and they started speaking in French to each other and pointing at me and laughing and I was just like, they didn't pull anybody else in here. Everybody else already had their passports back. And just like, what could I possibly have done, you know? And the man looked at me and he slams his hands on the desk and he's like, where were you October 1996? Like, 96. So I'm thinking, and I'm trying to remember back to 96, and slams his fist down again. He's like, where were you October 1996? And I'm just like, finally figured out in my head. And I was like, what could I have done wrong, you know, that they're pulling me aside for? And then I remembered that I had gotten a DWAI, but I paid the $800 and felt really bad about it for years and lost my license for nine months. And so that couldn't have been what they were, you know, what they wanted to talk to me about. Like, I can't, I don't know, I just couldn't imagine why that would be it. So I was trying to think of what else I could have done. And I was pretty vicious drunk back then. And so I was like, maybe it's about that time that I threw the basket of popcorn at the singer of that bar band that didn't know any Neil diamond songs. And I was like, oh, that can't be it. And I was, maybe it's for the time I lined up all those three year olds and made Them taste their earwax. Oh, there's no way he knows about that one. So I was thinking, and then all of a sudden, it hit me. In October of 96, I worked in a haunted house in the parking lot of the Jefferson Valley Mall. And I didn't actually work in the haunted house. I worked in the haunted maze behind the haunted house. And what this really was was just a row of tractor trailers with black mesh, like, tarps over them, set up, like, in a square. And they went out to, like, the woods behind the mall. And so I had to stand in a corner with, like, a black hooded sweatshirt on and zombie makeup. And I would stand between these two trucks in this little corner. And there was a guy named Dan who would huddle down in a porta Potty that was, like, 20ft in front of me. And when people would come up the trail, it was like a long trail, and they would start to feel like they were just totally going in the wrong direction. They would see this porta Potty and be like, oh, sign of life, you know? And they'd walk towards it, and he would fly out and be like, ah. And they would turn around, and I'd be right behind them, and I would be like, ooh. And then they freak out and run down the path towards the end. And so one night, I was working, and our boss came down the trail, and he was like, guess what, Guess what? Mariah Carey's in the next group of people coming down the trail, and we're just, like, kidding me. And he's like, no, no. Give her the scare of her life. Boss's orders, right? You know, I can do whatever I want. And so, you know, I'm down there huddled down, and Dan's in his porta Potty. Next thing I know, these three giggling girls come up the trail. And I was just like, can't believe this is happening to me. And so it's, you know, Mariah in the middle and her two friends to the sides of her. And usually I would just wait in the shadows until somebody turned around and then jump in front of them. But this time, I walked up really quietly behind them and stood right behind her. And so Dan jumped out of the porta potty and they all turned to run, and I was just right in front of Mariah like this, and her friends just took off on both sides of me. And I put my arms out, and I was just like, no. And she was like. Even though she was wearing that disguise with the baseball hat and the hooded sweatshirt, the guess which celebrity I am. Disguise. That's not what I was seeing. I was seeing, seeing her in that video where she wears the macrame bikini and she has that look on her face where she's just like, you know that high school bitch look that's just like, you fat, ugly loser, stupid little dork. You'll never be a star, you'll never be popular, you'll never hang out with me and my friends. And I was just like. And I backed her into the corner of these two trucks and I just had her up against the wall. And I was like, come on. And she screamed at the top of her lungs. And I was like, you can do better than that. I know you can do better than that. And she's just like, get away from me. Get away from me. And I was like, no, hit the high note, bitch. And she was just like. And she was screaming. And I was just like. I was like, come on, who's the hotshot now? Who's the star now? What are you gonna do? And then a little part of me was like, I don't know her. Maybe she doesn't deserve this. Maybe she's nice. But I knew that I wasn't yelling at her. I was yelling at every girl that had ever made another girl feel bad. And she hit me anyway. So I'm flat on my back on the ground and she took off screaming. And so anyway, I'm standing there, I'm sitting in the customs office and you know, the guy slams his fists on the desk one more time and he's like, where were you October 1996? And I was just like, I'm sorry I scared Mariah Carey. And he was like, no, you got a dwai. And I was like, but that was, you know, that was dealt with. But it turns out in Canada, any, you know, which is a law I agree with. Any drinking related driving offense is considered a felony. And I think that's, you know, a really good law. But I disagree with repunishing someone who's already been punished for something they did wrong. But the guy looks at me and he's like, you're going to have to pay $250 to cross the border. And. And I was ready to argue it, but I already did my time. I haven't had a drink in years because I felt so bad, but I paid it anyway because it's $250. If I didn't pay it, we'd have to cancel the show that night. And I figure if the tables had been turned that night in October of 1996 and instead of just punching me and running away screaming, Mariah had decided to attack my ego that maybe I would have lost my fucking mind. So I'm not saying that I'm responsible for her going crazy, but if I was, that'd be pretty fucking cool.
- [10:49]
Kimya Dawson has had her music prominently featured in the movie Juno, both solo and with her bands the Moldy Peaches and Antsy Pants. She lives in Olympia, Washington with her awesome husband Angelo Spencer and their totally badass four year old daughter Panda. Kimya is currently recording her seventh solo album entitled Thunder Thighs. This podcast is brought to you by Audible.com, the Internet's leading provider of audiobooks with more than 75,000 downloadable titles across all types of literature, including fiction, non fiction and periodicals. To try Audible Free today and get a free audio book of your choice, just go to audible.comthemoth that's audible.comthemoth hello podcast listeners.
- [11:37]
Jay Allison
This is Jay Allison, producer of the Moth Radio Hour. Our fall season is all done. It's going out to public radio stations around the country. There's a complete listing@themost.org or you can just ask your station if they're carrying it. Each hour has a great roster of stories, along with interviews with storytellers, backstage stuff with the producers, and the invitation to you to pitch us your story. A lot of those pitches end up in the Radio Hour, which by the way is produced by the Moth and us at Atlantic Public Media up here in Cape Cod and presented by the public radio exchange prx.org we hope you like it.
- [12:15]
Kimya Dawson
The Moth is a non profit organization. Consider supporting our free podcast by going to our podcast contribution page or by becoming a moth member@themoth.org Our podcast host.
- [12:28]
Dan Kennedy
Dan Kennedy is the author of the book Rock An Office Power Ballad. Learn more@rockonthebook.com thanks to all of you.
- [12:36]
Kimya Dawson
For listening and we hope you have a story worthy week. Podcast audio production by Paul Ruest at the Argo Studios in New York Podcast hosting by PRX Public Radio Exchange Helping make public radio more public@prx.org.