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- [00:00]
Rosetta Stone Advertiser
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- [02:00]
Dan Kennedy
Welcome to the Moth Grand Slam, right here at the Music hall of Williamsburg in Brooklyn, New York. I'm Dan Kennedy. How are you doing tonight?
- [02:08]
Andrew Sovine
Doing all right.
- [02:13]
Dan Kennedy
And of course, if you're listening in the future by chance, welcome to the Moth podcast. I'm Dan Kennedy. How about a round of applause for Andrew Sovine? Awesome. From Nashville. Nashville. That's where it's at. How are you guys doing tonight? You're doing okay. You seem okay. Seem a little rambunctious. You seem a little. A little crazy. Possibly a little crazy. That's good. Good, good. The folks that you're going to hear stories from tonight have already won one of our story Slam competitions. So it's obviously not a competition. Everyone's a winner just for trying. But tonight we'll decide which one of them is the best. And that person will be a better person than the other people. So the judges are going to be judging our stories tonight on a handful of things. The criteria Will be. Is it a true story? Obviously, we can't fact check it, but we at the Moth are all about true stories told live without notes. So that's the deal with the stories. Also that it's on theme. Also that it's within our time limit. So up around the time limit, Andrew's gonna give him a little cue like this. That was so pleasant. That was so. Just pretty and pleasant. Yes. And then they'll keep going because we're all creative and we journal, and Andrew will do this. God, I just want him to keep doing that. That's what it sounds like in my head all the time. So how about a big round of applause for Nora Miller? Come on up, Nora. Nora.
- [04:11]
Nora Miller
So I was 16 years old and a junior in high school, and I wanted to be a poet. So all the adults in my life were like, being a poet is easy. Just, like, write what you know. I'm like, that's awesome if you've experienced, like, you know, real adversity in your life. But, like, my biggest adversity was, like, when they almost canceled Glee. So it's an issue. So I have to go, you know, experience life. So I ditched my normal friends, and I start hanging out with these kids who, like, smoke a lot of weed in various public gardens around the East Village. And they're all seniors, and I'm a junior, so this is like a stretch. But they put up with me, and I start hanging out with them, start cutting class, My grades start to drop, But I don't care, because I'm experiencing adversity, right? This is what it's all about. And so one day, my friends tell me, guess what? We like you so much that we've given you a nickname. Now, here's the thing about this group. They had nicknames. I've heard that that's the sign of a toxic group, but whatever. Everyone had a name, and they all sort of sounded like Renaissance painter names. And so the name that they gave me was Garrapata. And I was like, that sounds interesting, you know? And so I went home with this sense of belonging, and I was like, I'm going to be a poet. I'm this cool bohemian, and I have a nickname from this group now. And so I get home, and I go into my room and I Google the word garrapata on my computer. And it turns out that it's a Spanish word for tick. And then I have this moment where I'm like, my old friends won't call me. My new friends think I'M a parasite. I'm failing all my classes. And so, long story short, I transferred to alternative school. And in alternative school, you know, I start to do really well. Like, everything in my life, you know, starts to come together again. I start to get good grades, I start to show up to school. I'm actually writing poetry instead of being a poet. And so, you know, I'm doing so well. I'm doing so well that I decide it's high time to go visit my old friends in the East Village. And so I do. Fifteen minutes later, we're in Hamilton Fish park smoking a joint. It hasn't gotten to me yet, and I haven't decided if I want it yet. And then the cops show up and they handcuff us all, take us to a holding cell where we play quack a Dilly Oso for six hours. Because what do a bunch of 16 year olds do in a holding cell? And so I get home and I'm grounded for life. And I'm like, okay, I'm really gonna get my shit together this time. Like, you know, like, honestly, I want to, like, because that feeling of shame when my dad picked me up at the police station was not a good thing. And it wasn't something I wanted to experience again. And so, you know, I enter a poetry contest. I start doing better at school again. I start trying to make friends and failing. And so one day I got a phone call and I'm like, who the fuck would be calling me? I don't really have friends. Like, whatever, we've been over this. They think I'm a tick. And then the other ones won't talk to me because I'm a big stoner. So I get this phone call and it's this woman, and she's like, guess what? I'm like, what? You've won this poetry competition, and you are one of 77 teenagers in the country who's been selected to go to the White House to attend this big poetry workshop hosted by Michelle Obama. And I'm like, hold up. What? And she keeps talking and she's like, you have to pass a background check. You have to like, whatever, da, da, da. And she's going on, and I'm not paying attention because I'm like, I'm going to the White House. I did it. I'm a poet. And so it's a week later, and it's the big night. My suitcase is packed. I'm going to bed early, and I get a phone call, and it's this woman, and she's like, hi, guess what? I'm like, what? And she's like, you didn't pass your background check? I just got an email from the Secret Service. I'm like, the Secret Service sends emails, but also, you know, and so. So I'm like, shit, this is awful. And so I call my grandmother, and my grandmother's like, I'm going to pray about it. I'm like, thank you. And so I talk to my mom, and my mom's like, I'm going to call my friend who does something or other about security somewhere in D.C. and I'm like, great, awesome. Okay. And then this woman on the phone is like, you know, I'm going to send the Secret Service an email and really try to talk some sense in them. I mean, you're 16. So the next morning, I'm like, fuck this, I'm going to D.C. and so I get on the train, and the train is pulling into Union Station when I get a phone call. And I'm like, hello? And it's the woman. And the woman is like, guess what? I think my email worked because the Secret Service just wrote back and said that you can go after all. And I'm like, yes, poet. Big dramatic life. I get to go to the White House after almost being barred by the Secret Service. And I'm only 16. What up? You know, haven't smoked pot in three weeks.
- [08:42]
Dan Kennedy
I'm.
- [08:42]
Nora Miller
I'm really doing it. And so I get to the White House and I'm sitting in the back and Billy Collins is there, and he starts talking, and then he doesn't stop talking. Billy Collins just speaks for the entire time. Then Michelle Obama comes up and she looks at me and the other 76 teenagers and she's like, I am so proud of you. And I realize, like, nobody at the White House gives a shit about me. Like, you know, honestly, like, this is a big PR thing for Billy Collins and for the White House, and I am this 17 year old at this point. Maybe, you know, I'm just this kid. And like, I'm never gonna be a famous poet by trying to create drama in my life. I'm gonna be a poet by, like, some odd combination of weird coincidences and, like, emailing the Secret Service and, like, you know, rapidly changing schools. And who knows? It's four years later. Still don't know if I'm a poet. Haven't smoked pot since then. And. Thank you.
- [09:53]
Dan Kennedy
Nora Miller. Nora Miller. Just secretservicehotmail.com just send me a note there and I'll get You cleared. Oh my God. We asked the audience, tell us about a time when you or someone else caused a scene. This one time I laughed so hard my butt fell off and everyone noticed. All right, if you don't want to fill out the slip, just don't fill the slip out. I need everybody to look next to them and see if there's an 8 year old seated next to them. This is a 21 and over venue. We have a problem in the house. This person literally put that. This one time I laughed so hard my butt fell off and everyone noticed.
- [10:52]
Rosetta Stone Advertiser
Be here.
- [10:54]
Dan Kennedy
I just put it in the bucket. What's great is that person has a 10 minute version of that story we're going to hear a little bit later. How about a big round of applause now for Francesca Sternfeld. Come on up, Francesca.
- [11:19]
Francesca Sternfeld
At 19, I had it all worked out. I was going to be a spy, or if not a spy, some other high level international operative striding into the inflection point of history with lipstick and sensible pumps. And to get there, I would start with an internship. Now, there were two thoughts behind this. One is that I had been 14 on September 11th, and instead of being swept up in the anti Arab and Muslim propaganda, I'd had the opposite response. I had wanted to know everything about the Middle east and I'd wanted to know it for myself. I wanted to see it with my own eyes. The other was that I had watched every episode of the spy lady show Alias and was super turned on by the idea of playing high stakes international dress up in far flung locales. And if there was a doomed romance or two, that would be fine. So there I was, sitting in front of David Litvak, representative at the Utah legislature, at our first interview. And at the end of it, he said, you fairly reek of ambition. No one wants to reek of anything, but I suppose ambition is fine. And I was, I was terribly ambitious and I was very into the optics, as they say. My first day when I had a badge and I had that all access pass, I remember thinking like, yeah, you hear about the halls of power, but this is the elevator of power and this is the elevator button of power. And that is the carpet of power. And these are the tasteful drapes of power. And this is going to be fine. And I loved it. But then the session started and then I saw how government worked, how it actually worked. I didn't know that, for example, legislators don't write laws, lawyers write laws, legislators or doctors or bankers or businessmen that come up with an idea and jot it down and then hand over a hundred pages that a lawyer wrote to their intern to make sense of. That's how people write laws. And one by one, these fantasies started to crumble. I thought great decisions were made by great men. No, turns out these were my neighbors. Or if not my neighbors, someone else's neighbors. They were worried about minivans and which golf club to buy. They were not concerned with the great questions of our time. And that became devastatingly obvious day after day. And there would be hundreds of pieces of paper and they were all color coded, so you knew that the new bill was up. But other than that, the. There was no connection between the flesh and blood of the needs of the people that I was starting to get a sense of and what was going on in those halls. And one day, it all came to a head. I had two assignments on the same day. In the morning, the legislator I worked for asked me to draft a resolution asking for further federal funding for the African union troops fighting the genocide in Sudan. So what that meant was that the 19 year old spent three hours absorbing an infinity of violence into her eyes and then spent the second part of the morning kneeling down next to legislators from rural Utah and trying to funnel that experience into them when the biggest thing on their agenda was whether raw milk could be sold in stores. In the afternoon, I was sent to the health and human services committee. My legislator was double booked, so I had to go and take notes in his place. And as I walked up to the committee room, I heard moaning. Moaning is not a sound one hears in a capitol building too often. And I walked into the room and it was a who's who of people that had been denied the basic needs that they had. People with no teeth, children with cerebral palsy, every developmental delay under the sun. And one by one, they would go up and they would plead their case for more funding or just a little bit to get them by. And one by one, the legislators would flick through their papers and politely say, next. Now, being tone deaf to the suffering across the seas, that was one thing. But staring blankly at a child sitting in front of you, that I could not stomach. And I walked upstairs to the third floor and I found myself a corner and I crumpled into a heap and I cried. Clay, the intern minder, the kind of scout leader type, he found me. He knelt down beside me and he told me, you know, if you feel things this deeply, maybe this isn't the right line of work for you. And I knew he was right. And he was right. I'm not cut out to be a spy. I wasn't then and I'm not now. Now I'm in social work. And the thing is, if somebody tells me their secret, I'm not going to pass it on, I'm going to hold it. And if the two of us together figure out something to be done about it, that's one thing. And if not, that's another. But there's one way I haven't disappointed that 19 year old. I do play dress up and I play it hard and I play to win.
- [17:13]
Dan Kennedy
Francesca Sternfeld. I just, I want to start introducing myself that way at parties. Hi, I'm Dan Kennedy. I play dress up hard and I play to win. It's like so much less interesting when I say it. Wow, that was a wonderful story. I love the. Yeah. How about another round of applause for Francesca?
- [17:44]
Julia Shiplett
So well told.
- [17:45]
Dan Kennedy
Too well told. Yeah, Just beautiful. So well told. I was telling Andrew that story. I really like the idea of a spy who feels too much. I think it'd be wonderful. Just an extremely apologetic spy. Like, I'm sorry I'm being so vague about my background. I feel like I'm being misleading. Have I ruined our dinner together? I feel like I know so much about you. We asked the audience, tell us about a time you or someone else caused a scene once. My friends and I roller skated to Starbucks and had a wrestling match inside. It says it continues on the back here, but I can't imagine what else we would add. Oh, well, this is nice to know. We were wearing wrestling singlets. I don't think you're allowed to ask. No, Andrew asked me gender of the wrestlers. Don't worry. I told him it's not polite to ask. It's from Nashville. Just like, sorry, bro. It was so awkward when I was cornering Andrew earlier, telling him all the ideas for country songs I have that he and I could do together. And they were all just like so embarrassingly projection. I was like, it's about a guy who has a cat, right? Some people think he loves it too much. He should have kids. I was like, really, Dan? Yeah. I mean, trust me, dudes will get it. All right, keep your applause going now for Jeff Zimmerman. Come on up, Jeff.
- [19:55]
Andrew Sovine
All right, look, I'm getting on the subway. I got two bags of groceries. It's raining. The bottom of these paper bags are wet. I need these groceries very badly. I'm a little nervous. I'm nervous because I need these groceries bad. But also they're from Whole Foods, so, like how am I gonna pay my rent? And I'm going through what I like to refer to as a surprise divorce. And I just need some grace and patience from the world right now. I am broken glass on the inside. And when I need grace and patience from the world, what I do when I know I'm not going to get it is I like to straddle a garbage can and take a pint of Ben and Jerry's and work the spoon down through the chocolate core of the Ben and Jerry's, and you can pull the whole thing out in a move that I call the sad King Arthur. And then you just eat it all. And you don't really get any grace or patience or understanding, but you can go to sleep. And I need that, too. So the bags are straining, and I'm getting on the train, and it's crowded. And right as I'm reaching for the pole, this dude grabs my shoulder like I'm a door that has gotten stuck and just goes. Shoves me out of the way, and the bags rip. And all my groceries, including my surrogate feelings, are just pinballing among everybody's dirty feet down the subway car. And I was just like, oh, Lord, not now. You know? So I'm leaning over to pick up my groceries. I've got a messenger bag on, and it's coming up behind me like this. And I think it was touching a lady behind me a little bit, because I just heard, and I looked back, and somebody. I don't know, whatever. So I go to get my groceries again and again, and I know it was her because somebody goes. I said. And I turned and I looked, and there's a woman standing there holding a pole, and she's looking at me, and she's rolling her eyes, And I know what she's seeing because I know what I look like, all right? I'm six two. It doesn't matter if I eat that Ben and Jerry's or not. I'm a fight heavyweight. I tried on a cardigan one time, and it looked real stupid. So now I'm gonna go with heavy metal T shirts. So I kind of look like the social media guy for the Hell's Angels. And she's just seeing this big oaf that doesn't care about anything but himself. And I just know I'm not gonna get that patient. So I just went there in my head and decided I wasn't gonna get it and said, oh, oh, is my bag touching your arm, like, a tiny bit and, like, moderately inconveniencing you on the train right now. Is that why we're making these noises? And she answers my question by looking the subway ad in the eye, questioning my parenting and saying, some people weren't raised to respect anybody around them. They don't understand space or who's in it or who they're shoving or anything at all. And then right then, this little dude that saw the whole thing jumps up and goes, you need to shut the hell up, lady. You don't understand the challenges he's facing in his life right now, all right? Cause you crying about a bag touching you on the arm. He got $1,400 worth of soup cans of Ben and Jerry's rolling up and down the F train. You need to step back, get some perspective, see your place in this world, and then shut up. Am I wrong? Tease me up. And I'm standing here, just adrenaline like this. And on the inside, I was like, oh, I would have phrased that so differently, but on the outside, I was like, yeah, yeah, that's basically how it went down. And she goes, oh, oh, I see. Well, I happen to have several extra bags here. Would you like them? And so empathetic and understanding in such a hateful way. And I was like, yeah, yeah, that's super. I'll take your stupid bags. And she gets them out, and we're just cramming my groceries into the bags, making eye contact the whole time like this. She's like, take several extra. They're thin. I would hate for this to happen all over again later. Yeah, you know, that's a great idea, lady. I appreciate that. And we're just standing there, like, for several stops, just hating each other with our breath, but on the inside. Thank you. And then. And she just stands up and looks at me and goes, have a blessed day, baby. And leaves. And the one person that understands me in this world, I never saw again. And that's why I hate this city. But I can never leave it because there are so many beautiful, beautiful blessings to be found in this town. If you scrape the patina of sheer rage off of everybody and just look underneath. Thank you.
- [25:22]
Dan Kennedy
So that just happened. Holy God. Jeff's been carrying that around for a while. I. I am sorry. So glad we could provide a venue for the healing. Jeff Zimmerman, ladies and gentlemen. We're going to take a brief intermission, and we're going to see you back here for the second half of the show. How about a round of applause for everybody that started tonight? All right. Welcome back to the Moth grand slam right here In Williamsburg, Brooklyn, New York, usa, America, Earth. Did you have a good intermission? Did you have a good break? Yeah, good break. Okay, cool. Cool. For me, it's not really a break. I don't. For Andrew and I really. We sort of were always working on songs, so it's like, you know, for you guys, it's an intermission. For us, it's like, oh, what are we working on? It's cool. I thought we ironed out some good stuff. Oh, yeah. Some people think it's not the right kind of unconditional love because you're not a child that I'm the parent of. You're a cat. But we have such a connection spiritually. I feel even though you eat trash and bugs in a hole and would live without me, gladly I anthropomorphize you and imagine your voice talking back to me, even though if I died tomorrow, you would move out and gladly live in a dumpster behind a Kentucky Fried Chicken in Van Nuys or Brooklyn. That sounds like a badass cat, actually. Whoa. Yeah, we're still kind of working it out. And I'll probably have a guitar solo in there. I haven't mentioned that to Andrew yet. It's cool, dude. Why is he laughing so hard about me playing a solo? Tell us about a time you or someone else caused a scene. This person said, I got drunk. I got drunk at a Jets game and screamed at Donald Trump. Where's your birth certificate? I feel like I've never done anything that inspired in my life. Like, have you ever seized the moment that. Precisely. And, well, like, I've never that person. We have a really gifted person in the crowd tonight. Almost as gifted as this next person, I'll bet. Big round of applause for Steve Zimmer. Steve Zimmer.
- [29:41]
Julia Shiplett
I've never been married or lived with someone or owned real estate or taken a true vacation or purchased brand new furniture. These are sources of concern for my girlfriend Megan, when she moves in with me in July 2014. So four months later, it's November and she's still there. And we need to get a desk because Megan's a freelance book editor. And so she has a lot of papers that can't go on my desk. And so I go on ebay to look at used desks, and they're sorted by auction, expiration date. And the very first one is this beautiful Danish wood desk expiring in five minutes and currently at $300. So I call Megan in and we're like, this is worth way more than $300. And so we put in a max bid of $503 to outmaneuver the crowd at $501. And now if we don't win the desk, then afterward, ebay will send me an auction alert saying, you've lost or you let it slip away. These alerts never used to bother me, but now that I'm 52 years old, they feel really insightful. So with three minutes left. With three minutes left, we're the high bidder. And I start to get worried because Megan and I have never made a big purchase together. And our previous attempt at a big purchase resulted in the Bisley incident. One month ago, Megan wanted to get a $400 Bisley filing cabinet for the apartment. So I went on Craigslist and found a used Bisley for $50. And I texted Megan to meet me at the seller's address in Kew Gardens to help carry it. And it would be a long subway ride home, but mostly above ground. So with the right attitude, it could be a date. And unfortunately, Megan tracked down the Craigslist ad, which I purposely not showed her because it made the Bisley look damaged, and she was like, nfw. And that night, we had a big argument, and Megan pointed out that I'll spend 90 hours on the Internet to save 10 bucks, yet pay thousand dollar fines for doing my taxes a day late. And that I don't like things like traveling or concerts or restaurants. And in fact, the only two things in life that give me joy were riding my bike and criticizing people at the Moth, and that I was a petty, miserable person and was slowly making her miserable. So I was like, fine, we'll get the new Bisley. And it turned into our worst fight. And now, a month later, our relationship still hasn't recovered yet. We're trying to buy a desk together in an auction in which I'm scared of both winning and losing. And I'm thinking, you know, it's too bad Megan and I didn't meet when we were younger and not such difficult people. And there was still time. Just then, ebay sends an alert saying there's two minutes left, and we've been outbid at $510. Now things get tricky. I'm afraid to stop bidding because I know Megan will get mad. And Megan's afraid to continue bidding because she knows that I'll initially go along to keep the peace, but then afterward, I'll be resentful and act like a little bitch. So neither of us says anything. We're locked in passive aggressive, stalemate which I know from my parents marriage can be a surprisingly stable relationship platform, but we don't want that. And so we just sit there and just staring at this image of the desk, which had been perfectly maintained by the previous owner, who must have understood how hard it is to find a desk you really like. And Megan says, it's beautiful. And I say it is beautiful. And the ebay auction alert says there's still time. So I'm like, let's bid $800. And Megan's like, really? And I'm like, yes, it's worth it, especially when you factor in the money that we save from not getting the Bisley. And So we bid $806 and settle in for the last minute of the auction. With 10 seconds left, we're the high bidder. And then the price goes to $1,100 and $1,300 before closing at $1,520. And Megan and I sit there motionless, still locked in the embrace that we instinctively initiated when the price went over $1,000. And we try to make sense of what just happened. Ebay, however, understands instantly and sends and issues an alert saying that we're losers and it's true, we're older and have had lives defined by regret, but there's still time. So three months later, I bid on an engagement ring that had been perfectly maintained by the previous owner. And this time it doesn't slip away. Thank you.
- [35:39]
Dan Kennedy
Steve Zimmer. Ah, a chilling tale of commitment. Oh, that was lovely, man. Another round of applause for Steve Zimmer. What do you think? Keep your applause going for Julia Shiplett. Come on up here, Julia.
- [36:19]
Tim Lopez
Sometimes it's too late when you realize the money isn't worth it. For me, it was the October after I graduated college and I was trying to save up enough to travel to Southeast Asia that year. This family originally offered the house sitting job to my friend who but she wasn't available, so she referred me. And it wasn't until I spoke to the mother on the phone that I realized this house would be filled with two dogs and three teenagers. But once she told me the pay, I really couldn't say no. They were a well known family in the town I grew up in. My little brother was in the same grade as one of their sons. And I actually had babysat for the youngest one many years ago when she was just five. And during this time she locked me in a room until I said the password. The password was Julia's gay. A five year old got me to say that. Anyway, she was 13 now. She had an older brother who seemed nice and quiet. I wasn't too worried about him. But the oldest one of the group was a very popular senior in high school. Star soccer player who I knew would be taking full advantage of his parents being out of the country for a week. When I got there, the moment gave me a tour and showed me where I would be staying, which was in the attic. It was actually nice looking, but I immediately felt really uncomfortable. She casually mentioned, if for any reason you don't like it up here, you just take my room, okay? And that night I didn't sleep a wink. The room was so much colder than the rest of the house and I couldn't shake this terrible feeling like someone was watching me. The next morning I told the kids about it over breakfast and in unison two of them said, did our mom tell you about the ghost? No, she left that out actually. Apparently the house had a history. There would be doors that would open and slam shut on their own. Their former live in nanny had reported seeing the end of her bed compress as if someone sat on it. She slept in the attic. I moved to the parents room after that. My entire week consisted of waking up at 6am to walk the dogs, then make lunch for the kids, drive the youngest one to school, go to my stupid internship for eight hours, come home, walk the dogs again, then make dinner that no one ate. I also just couldn't sleep at all at night because I kept hearing footsteps throughout the house, which I assumed were the kids sneaking out, except that they were always in their rooms and the alarm system was always on. I was worried enough about two animals and three humans who didn't give a crap about me. I didn't know I was going to have to add ghosts to that list. But the kids, they had a great week. I found the youngest one in the attic with her friend sitting on the laps of two boys I had never seen before. The middle one, the one who I thought was sweet and innocent, made brownies one day, which I mistook as a wholesome after school activity until I realized there was a special ingredient in them that made the kitchen smell like a dead skunk. The next morning, and on my last night, which was Halloween night, the oldest one decided to throw a house party. I walked downstairs to find 20 or so teenagers drinking in the living room and I lost it. I remember yelling, everybody better get the fuck out of here. He could tell I was upset. After he escorted everyone to the door, he turned around and said, listen.
- [41:14]
Francesca Sternfeld
You.
- [41:14]
Tim Lopez
Seem kind of stressed lately. Do you maybe want to smoke some weed with me? My friends, I tried so hard all week to be a responsible adult. But I looked at him, you know, this cute, confident, persuasive young man who I was only a few years older than, and I gave in. And then the next thing I knew, I was ripping a bong with three 18 year old boys. Afterwards, I tried to maintain some kind of authority by telling them to all get to bed. And as I stumbled upstairs, I realized what I had just done. I was either the worst babysitter in the world or the coolest. I wasn't sure, but that was the first night all week. I finally got some decent sleep. Thank you.
- [42:45]
Dan Kennedy
Such a beautiful moment when you're getting high with the babysitter who suddenly just takes her head off the bong and goes, get to sleep. I love that. How about another round of applause for Julia Shiplet? Julia Shiplett. Keep it going for Tim Lopez. Tim Lopez.
- [43:16]
Steve Zimmer
Okay, so it was the night before my brother's wedding. And I was on my way out to this ranch house in the boondocks of LA where he was l living, to take him out to dinner, buy him a drink, and convince him that he was about to make the biggest mistake of his life. Now, if there was ever an ideal candidate to break up a wedding the night before a wedding, that would be me. I have never been known to hold my tongue. A personality quirk of sorts that has gotten me into hot water on multiple occasions. Once when I was about 10, this kid, older, probably about 15, who. Who nobody had ever seen before, was riding his bike in a semi menacing manner down my street. And I, being the unofficial and unelected president of the block, thought that it was my obligation to throw this guy some shade. So as he rolled by, he turned over and looked at me and he said, what are you looking at? And I said, you. And he promptly dismounted his bike and proceeded to pummel me in front of the entire neighborhood. So I lost that fight, but he never came back. In junior high, I spearheaded a mutiny against the band teacher as the first chair alto saxophone because I felt that the musical selections for that year, which were Louie Louie and Wooly Bully, were not sufficiently challenging for a lot of us in the band. The teacher, Mr. Rotman, disagreed, and after a spirited argument, he said, if I felt that way, then I could just leave the band. So I left the band and have never played saxophone in any official capacity since. So, as you can see, this inability of mine to just go with it basically followed me throughout my entire adulthood until the present day, when I've become kind of renowned and often reviled for my tendency to speak my mind in situations ranging from passionate debates with boss figures about office minutia to loud and some would say unnecessary debates about the official tournament rules for the game of Taboo. The point is, what's right is right, and I'm a firm believer in this philosophy. And when I see that something is not right, I'm going to speak up about it. And one thing that I knew was absolutely not right was my brother's impending marriage. Now, my brother is a lot of things. He is an only child. He's a sensitive soul. Sorry, he's a middle child. That was a little word. He's a sensitive soul, he is an artist, he's a talented musician, and he's also a first rate nimrod. So it came as no surprise when he first started dating a shrill, fuchsia haired horse whisperer from the valley. This seemed like all of us to be yet another and an unbroken string of poor yet essentially harmless life decisions. But things escalated pretty quickly. Within about a month of meeting at a dive bar, their lives were basically completely intertwined. He moved in with her and her two dogs and her multiple cats. He started working for her in this kind of like indentured servitude type situation as like a field hand slash, straight up cowboy for her, like perpetually struggling horse jumping business. And as time went on, she began to exert more and more influence over his daily life, especially when it came to, you know, restricting who he hung out with. She was particularly adamant about him burning bridges with anyone who either questioned their relationship or who had had any kind of connection to him before she came around. As time went on, it became more and more clear that this was a toxic situation, this was an unhealthy relationship. But nobody could say anything because they were always together. And if they weren't together, then, you know, basically everyone was afraid of getting cut out of their lives forever. And it was better to have some relationship with my brother than none. But I sat there and I watched this for a year and I was just waiting for my moment to say something. And so the night before the wedding, my youngest brother Adam and I went over to their house and we came in and they were getting ready for the wedding, which was the next day. And they were bejeweling these pine cones that were meant to be decoration for the wedding, which was to be held in a public park the next day. And I Said we made some small talk. And then I said, all right, Mike, you ready to go get something to eat? And they looked at each other and she said, yeah, I think we can do that. And I said, well, actually, I was thinking maybe it could just be us boys, like one last ride for the Lopez brothers, right? Like, haha, kind of trying to play it light. And they look at each other and she says, well, actually, you know, I think we're actually really too busy. And I said, busy with what? These pine cones? And my brother, sensing the building tension, got really agitated and he left the room. He said, hey, listen, I'm gonna go get this shirt. You gotta see the shirt I'm gonna wear tomorrow. And he left the room and my younger brother went with him. And it was just me and her. And I said, really? Like, you can't let him out of your sight for just an hour for us to go out and, you know, like, have a. Have a drink and just, you know, have a whatever. And she said, well, he doesn't want to go. And I said, okay, so now you're speaking for my brother. And she says, you know what, Tim? You're an inconsiderate prick, and this is why you're single and you have no loyalty. And I lost my temper. And I said, loyalty? How are you going to tell me about loyalty? You've known my brother for a year. I've known him for 30. You can't tell me about loyalty. And we get in this yelling match and my brothers come back into the room and we're screaming at each other, and she says, get out.
- [48:51]
Tim Lopez
And.
- [48:51]
Steve Zimmer
And I say, you don't have to throw me out. Like, I'm leaving. And my brother scoots us to the door, and as he's doing so, he's saying, this is it. This is my life now. This is my family. This is my wife. Like that time when it was me and you and all of us and we lived in the same house under the same roof. It's over and it's done with, and this is my family now. And he tried to slam the door on me, and I jammed my foot in the door. And I looked at him and I felt everything that I ever wanted to say over the last year. And I wanted to say, you're making a terrible mistake and this is going to end in a disaster, and you're hurting your family. And for the first time in my life, I didn't say it. And the next day I went to his wedding and I helped him set up his pine cones. And I stood there and I watched as they were married. And instead of a best man, he had a dog. And a dog read a statement. They read a statement from the dog that said how happy they were and what a great thing it was and how good it was that they found each other. And I stood there with a straight face or with an attempted straight face, and I kept it inside. And I never said anything because that's the kind of thing you do for the people that you love. Thank you.
- [50:09]
Dan Kennedy
Tim Lopez. Tim Lopez. Man, pets are. Pets are very connected to what you're going through. Very connected. They would know how you feel. Tell us about a time you or someone else caused a scene. This person said, my brother decided he was leaving the country and going home. I ran to tell my parents. Looking back, I don't think he would have done it. He was four and I was six. Wow. So brave. What an exotic life. All right, judges, coming to you in a very brisk fashion. Amazing. This is a big night. Your winner this evening, Steve Zimmer. Steve Zimmer. Can we get all the storytellers to come up on stage? If you told a story, come up. Keep your applause going for these folks. That's it. Thanks for listening. Thanks to all of you for being here. This Moth Grand Slam was recorded live by Paul Ruest of Argo Studios at the Music hall of Williamsburg in Brooklyn with production by Whitney Jones. The Moth podcast and Radio hour are presented by prx, the public radio exchange, helping make public radio more public. @prx.org we hope you have a story worthy week. Hey everyone. We are now backstage after the Moth Grand Slam live here in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. And there's one more thank you that we need to give out. The Moth is made possible by the generosity of our Moth members. So thank you members. And if you are listening and you're not a Moth member, well, we hope you'll consider becoming one. So we've just revamped our membership program to give you unprecedented access to everything that the Moth offers. So your support is going to help us bring art and the craft of storytelling to community centers, schools, libraries, hospitals, museums, jails, theaters and bar rooms. Coincidentally, I spent Most of the 90s in all of those places all over the world. So that's what you do when you help us out to join renewal or learn more. Just visit themoth.org and click on support. Your donation is going to help a lot of people have a story worthy week.