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- [00:00]
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- [01:08]
Dan Kennedy
Welcome to the Moth Podcast. I'm Dan Kennedy and the Moth features true stories told live without notes. All stories from the podcast are taken from our ongoing storytelling series in New York, Los Angeles and from our tour shows across the country. Visit themoth.org.
- [01:27]
Jay Allison
Hi, this is Jay Allison up on Cape Cod in Massachusetts. Right now, we're producing our second batch of stories for the Moth Radio Hour. Our first season aired on over 200 public radio stations around the country, which makes it a big hit by public radio standards. So we're doing it again. We're putting together five more hours of amazing stories, but hosted by the Moth team, distributed by PRX.org and featuring backstage interviews and other cool bits like we are inviting everyone in the world to pitch us their stories, including you podcast listeners. You can check the pitch page@themost.org to find out more about that. To hear the Moth Radio Hour on the air, contact your local public radio station and find out when they'll be airing it. We hope you like it. Thanks.
- [02:17]
Dan Kennedy
This week we have two stories for you from our Open Mic Story Slam series. The first story is from Laurie Baird and was the winning story from one of our Story slam nights in 2009. The second story from John Flynn is a favorite from one of our 2009 Grand Slams. Since the Story Slams are open mic nights, when each teller comes up to the mic on stage, we basically have no idea what they're gonna say so please keep this in mind when you're listening to these next two stories. The stories are hilarious and true, but they do contain themes and language that may not be appropriate for some of our younger listeners. First up, Lori Baird.
- [02:56]
Laurie Baird
I'm so glad I can't see anyone. I was hoping at least for my second beer. When I turned 40 years old, my libido went through the roof. I was thinking about sex all the time. Unfortunately, my marriage was on its last legs, and so there was no affection, let alone sex. Still, it was another three years before I got up the nerve to leave my husband. And when I did, I was starved for affection, and I was starved for sex, and I was starved for adventure. I think I was having a classic midlife crisis. So this is around three years ago now. So I was delighted to meet a guy who I really, really liked. He was cute and funny and smart. Smart and well read and a great writer. And where I was really inexperienced sexually. He was probably the most sexually experienced person I've ever met. Bisexual. A practicing bisexual. He's kinky, and he hosts sex parties. So I hit the jackpot. So I was really excited to meet this guy. He's a really nice guy. We started dating and only after about two months. We were at his apartment, and now I'm really glad I can't see anybody. We were having sex, and we'd been having sex for about three hours. So no. Doing things that I had never done, which is pretty much everything. So we were having sex, and he turned to me and said, say, have you ever had a G spot orgasm? And I said, of course not. So he said, lie down, and now I all want you to close your eyes. So I lay down on the bed, and he was kneeling, facing me. And I thought G spot orgasm was kind of an urban myth, but it's not. So he's. So he's doing the thing with his hand on my G spot. And I was sort of getting closer and closer and closer. And finally I sort of reached the peak moment. And then something was terribly wrong. Fun turned to tragedy. And I put my hands over my face and I said, did I just poop? And he said, yep. And I was frozen. I was just. I was lying there going, oh, my God. Oh, my God, oh, my God. And he said, you might want to go get yourself cleaned up. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I jumped out of bed. I took two steps toward the bathroom. And then he said, here, you might want to take this with you. And I turned around and he was holding a wadded up tissue with my poop on it. And I swear to God, I thought, I'm not touching that. So I grabbed it. I dashed into the bathroom, and I was mortified. Who wouldn't be? I was on the verge of tears. I was cleaning myself up thinking, how can this get worse? I threw up on his lap, giving him a blow job, and now I just sat in his bed and I'm thinking, how can this possibly, possibly get worse? And then it dawned on me that it couldn't. And I felt this overwhelming sense of relief. I had just done the worst thing that anybody could do while having sex. So I had it out of the way. Nothing bad can happen to me again while having sex. So after that sense of relief came a sort of sense of exaltation. Sort of the way I think people who have survived airplane crashes might feel. Not physically invincible, but mentally. And I'm kind of unembarrassable now, so. Dry mouth. So next time you do something stupid or embarrassing, you tell someone their congratulations on their pregnancy and they've just gained weight, or you get back from a lunch meeting and, oh, God, you have spinach in your teeth. Just take a deep breath, think of me, and tell yourself, at least I didn't poop in someone's bed.
- [08:03]
Dan Kennedy
As a writer and editor for more than 20 years, Laurie Baird has backpacked around the world, traveled around South Africa in a Learjet, and climbed on glaciers in Washington state. She blogs about her recent adventures at kinky stick figure dot com. Next up, John Flynn.
- [08:24]
John Flynn
Okay, so several years ago, I was broke. I was totally poor. I was at a point where I was having maybe a slice of pizza a day, so I was probably like 30 pounds thinner than I am now. And I would only go to parties that were people's apartments because I was like, oh, there'll be food there. And I wanted to pay for it. So I was at one of these parties that I didn't want to go to, and I was talking with this guy I sort of knew named Damian, and I started talking about how poor and miserable I was. And he said, oh, well, would you ever consider hustling? He said, because I get a lot of call for redheads, and I bet you'd probably do pretty well. Again, 30 pounds thinner. And I didn't say no. And then he said, in fact, I have an appointment for tomorrow night, if you want. And then he told me how much it would pay. And I thought, that's a lot of money. And somehow the word sure came out of my mouth. And he said, great. And he, like, wrote down an address on a piece of paper. And he handed me. He said, just show up tomorrow at 7. You don't have to stay past 9. And he has to give you cab fare home and call me when it's done. And then he says, oh, and take this. And he went to his bag and he took out one of those old credit card machines that you have to, like, go back and forth. And I thought, this really is the oldest profession. And then suddenly I had a moment of clarity, and I was like, wait a minute, Wait a minute. Wait. This isn't going to be, like, weird. Like, he's not going to ask me to do something, like, crazy or freaky, will he? And he said, no, no, no. This guy's really tame. And if it gets freaky, you can just leave. He's not going to be able to stop you. He's in his 60s. I was like, I should have seen that coming. Okay, so the next morning, I wake up, and I immediately start doing two things. Smoking a lot of pot and listening to Tina Turner's Greatest dance because I thought she would get me in the right mindset for this. So finally, the time arrives, and I get in a cab and I go over to his place. And he lives in a basement apartment in Queens. And as I'm walking down the stairs, before I even get to the door, it opens up and there's a man in his 60s standing there, and he's kind of about this tall, he's bald, he's got, like, a white mustache, and he's wearing tan pants and a wife beater. And, you know, I walk in, and at first it's all very kind of, like, normal, I guess you would say. You know, he's like, oh, can I get you anything to drink? I'm like, no, I'm fine. You know, I run off his credit card, you know, check the expiration date. The signature matches. Okay. And then, you know, I hand his card back. And then immediately he just, like, starts stroking my hair. And he says, oh, you have such beautiful hair. I'm so glad they sent a real redhead this time. I'm like, I wish I knew who the last person Cindy was. So then he's like, let's go into the bedroom. So we go into his bedroom, and it's a very small room, and it's mostly dominated by his bed. And there's like a little, like, narrow kind of alleyway around it, and there's, like, jazz music playing. And after mom, you know there's a woman singing. After a moment I go, oh, is this Ella Fitzgerald? And he like clasps his two hands in front of his face and he's like, you know who Ella Fitzgerald is? And I'm like, yeah. And then he like smiles and like sits down on the bed and like, looks all like bright eyed. I'm like, great, he's falling in love with me. And so, you know, then he's looking at me like, get started. And so I'm like, oh, okay. So I start like doing this weird like sexy seductive striptease to like Summertime from Porgy and Bess. And I'm like, I can't imagine this is turning anyone on. And so I get naked and the whole time I'm doing it, he's just like sort of, like sort of breathing heavy and like smacking his lips and it's like very dry. I could just hear the like. And then he goes, lie down on the bed. I want to lick your butt. It's your money. So I'm face down on his bed and he starts like licking my butt cheek. And it honestly feels like someone is smearing like cold glue on my butt. And I'm like saying, they're like, oh my God, how did my life bring me to this? And then like after a moment I feel something licking my head as well. And I like sort of like startled and look up and I see like his cat has come into the room. And so like when he sees her, he like freaks out and he's like, oh, Charlotte, she's a bad kitty. And like that's when this goes from being like a David lynch film to like a Benny Hill sketch. Like he starts like chasing like she like jumps off the bed and he's chasing after her and like talking to her, like yelling at her in like the third person. Like she's a bad kitty and she knows when guessing around she's supposed to stay in the bathroom. And all the whole time I'm just like lying on the bed with my hand over my mouth just hearing like, da, da da, da, da, da da da da da. And like after a few minutes he like catches her and he like throws her in the bathroom and closes the door. And then like he comes back and he's like breathing and like panting and breathing, having trying to catch his breath. And then just all of a sudden he just starts bawling and he just starts crying and I'm sort of like, I don't know what to do. And after a moment I'M like, are you okay? And he just says no. And he doesn't say anything else. And then he comes and he sits down on the bed. And I'm just sort of, like, sitting next to him, like, with my hand on his shoulder, like, not really sure what to do. And he's crying for a while. And then after a while, he's about, like, 10 or 15 minutes, he stops. And then he goes, I'm sorry, I don't think I'm going to be able to do anything tonight. And then he goes, if you want, I could fuck you with a dildo. I said, I'll be fine. And then he says, would you mind if we just lay here together for a little bit? And I was like, sure, no problem. So we lay down. Thank you. And he puts his head on my chest and is sort of holding me. And I put my arm around him. And he wasn't holding me tight, but he was holding me in a way that felt very, like, desperate and, like, clingy. Like, he just, like. He just really, like, wanted some human, like, touch or something. And he was just. Was trying to get as much of it as he could in that time. And so we just lay there for, like, a little over an hour. And then finally it was like 9:00, and I was like, all right, I have to go. And he's like, okay. And so, you know, like, I got dressed and I was ready to go. And then he just. Right at the door, he just. He kissed me on the cheek, which was the only time he kissed me the entire time. And he said, you know, thank you very much. And again, he stroked my hair and said, you have really beautiful hair. And I was like, oh, well, thanks. It's a weird compliment. And so then, you know, like, I got in a cab, and then, like, I called this guy, and I was like, I don't know if I did it right. He licked my butt, and then we cuddled. And he's like, that sounds about right. And then he's like, so do you want to do any more of this? And I was like, well, can you guarantee it's just cuddling? And he was like, no. And I was like, no, I'm gonna quit while I'm ahead then. And he's like, all right, stop by tomorrow. And so I went to his place, I dropped off his credit card machine, and he gave me money. And then I treated myself to a nice big meal. Thank you very much.
- [15:42]
Dan Kennedy
John Flynn comes from a small town in New Jersey, but now lives in New York City where he writes, performs, directs and has even done some hand modeling despite a lifelong habit of biting his nails. The Moth is a non profit organization, so consider supporting our free podcast by going to our podcast contribution page or by becoming a Moth member and you can do that@themost.org and also our next Moth Grand Slam is in New York City on May 24th. To purchase tickets, check out themoth.org or if you'd like to reserve a VIP table, you can call the Moth directly at 212-742-0551. These are always great shows and hope to see you there.
- [16:26]
John Flynn
Our podcast host Dan Kennedy is the.
- [16:29]
Laurie Baird
Author of the book Rock An Office Power Ballad.
- [16:32]
John Flynn
Learn more@rockonthebook.com thanks to all of you.
- [16:35]
Dan Kennedy
For listening and we hope you have a story worthy week. Podcast audio production by Paul Ruest at the Argo Studios in New York Podcast hosting by PRX Public Radio Exchange helping make public Radio more public@prx.org.