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Anna Martin (1:59)
Hi, I'm Anna Martin. I'm the host of the Modern Love Podcast for the New York Times, and today it is my total treat to guest host this special Valentine's Day episode of the Moth. In honor of this holiday, which, depending on the status of your love life, might be your least favorite or your most favorite day of the year, we're featuring three stories, all about how much love can hurt, about all the pain and heartache and disaster that true love can lead to, but also about how love can help ease that pain and heartache and maybe even help us heal. First up is Patricia Dunphy who told this story at a New York City story slam, where the theme was, appropriately enough, love Hurts. An annual audience favorite for over 15 years at our open mic nights, here's Patricia live at the Mouth.
Patricia Dunphy (2:49)
So I stood next to his bed, and I put both of his hands in my hands. And, you know, he had really fine hands. Really, he was just a true guy. I just never thought I could love anybody the way I loved this man, Alan. And I wanted to move my hands away because he was starting to get cold, and I didn't want to hold them when they were ice cold, but it was so hard to think that I was never going to hold his hands again. And I took my hands away. You know, our relationship started about a little over two decades before that. You know, we were Both just around 50 years old, and we started dating in Manhattan, and it was like I was a teenager. It was so great. You know, we would go to the movies, we'd go out to dinner. So finally, when I realized we were going to be together, I just grabbed his hand and I held onto that hand for two decades. You know, sometimes we would walk around the Upper west side, and I would say to myself, don't be too cocky, you know, like, because people would look at us because we really did look good together. I have to say, he was a gorgeous guy. And I would think, you know, because we would see people with walkers or wheelchairs, and I thought that could be us one day. But in. It was. But much sooner than we ever thought. So there I was then, walking next to the wheelchair. We had a caregiver then go down a riverside drive and sit in the park. And I would hold his hand while he was in the wheelchair. And I would sit there while he was fading. He got struck by a glioblastoma, which is a terminal brain cancer. It's a horrible disease. And that's what happened. And I would sit there and I would think about all the time as we. We held hands walking around. You know, we walked around. We went to Israel. He wanted to tell me all about, you know, his young dreams that he had of being a socialist and living on a kibbutz. Then we went to Ireland after that. And I can picture us holding hands in Thailand and Costa Rica and Mexico on family vacations. There's pictures of us holding hands at his daughter's wedding and. And my daughter's college graduation. We even held hands walking behind his grandchildren in Jersey City as they went trick or treating. And eventually, we were holding hands on York Avenue in Manhattan, where you have Sloan Kettering and Weill, Cornell and nyu. Just searching for a cure which wasn't there. And then he passed. And then I didn't know what to do with my hands. My hands just flailed. I mean, I can't. The pain. Love hurts. The pain of losing him was so excruciating. I mean, there were times when I couldn't get out of my apartment, but I would get under my dining room table. I wanted to be someplace where something could protect me. I was just in so much pain. I learned what the word keening meant. It's an Irish term for wailing and mourning. But then after a year, a little over a year, and I started to come back out smiling again, sometimes laughing, I got this sense of gratitude. And I really couldn't explain it to people so much because how could you be grateful after all the pain you went through? But I never would have felt that pain if I hadn't felt that love. Without that great love that I felt for him, I wouldn't have had those same feelings on the opposite end of the spectrum. And I was grateful that I've gotten to live my life and had that on both sides. A great love and a great loss. And I got through it. And, you know, and now there'll be other hands I can hold. Not too long ago, I was in the car with my daughter and we drove past something that reminded me of him. And I started to cry. And she reached over and it's kind of uncharacteristic. She's really not that affectionate with me anyway. She has lots of boyfriends and girlfriends out there, but I'm sure she touches them. But anyway, she did reach over and put her hand in mine, and I was like, oh, this is something. And then my little granddaughter crossing the street, she looked up at me not that long ago holding my hand, and she says, patricia, do you miss Grandpa? And I said, yeah, but there's other hands and there's other love for me to give. And I'm grateful for it. Thanks.