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- [00:00]
TurboTax
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Apple
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- [01:33]
Dan Kennedy
Welcome to the Moth podcast. I'm Dan Kennedy. Thanks for tuning in on today's episode. We have two really funny stories and I feel like, I feel like the Moth is sort of famous for making people cry on their commutes. So I'm always really happy when we have stories that make you laugh. The first one comes from our education program and it was told by Lydia Dubois. And Lydia was a high school senior at the time that she shared this story and it was in front of a live audience of her peers, her family and friends. Here's Lydia Dubois at a special high school story slam that we did at the Beacon School here in New York City.
- [02:12]
Lydia Dubois
Okay, so sophomore year, I thought I was this really cool philosopher. I thought that anything that I had to say was worth saying and it was definitely worth hearing. So I would come to school every day and what better place to get material for my philosophy is than my English class with my existential English teacher? So one day he was telling us about his senior class, which is about literature and human condition, which is funny because I'm taking that now. And he showed us a clip of a movie called Synecdoche New York. And he showed it to us and it was about basically this soulful black man humming in the background in this fake play, in this fake funeral scene where this priest is sort of lamenting about life and saying, the world goes on for eons and eons and you are only here for a fraction of a fraction of a second. And then at the end he says, nobody cares about my misery. Fuck everybody. And when I heard that, I was like, wow, that is some great material right there. So I went home and one night I was really stressed out about my homework. And it was 1am and I was a sophomore, so I still had that really, really strict work ethic. Now 1:00am, I'm fast asleep as a second semester senior. But I was watching that video and while I was doing my homework and I decided, why don't I google this synecdoche funeral scene? So I watched it and I stared my computer in the face and I recited the words and I said, you are only here for a fraction of a fraction of a second. Five everybody. And I felt so powerful. I felt like I was this awesome philosopher. And so at this time in the year, it was also nearing the time of my brother's bar mitzvah, the time when you celebrate your prepubescent boy about to read and chant from the Torah, of all things, the Bible. And so basically family gathers from near and far and we have a priest from Chicago because my mother, a rabbi's daughter, decided to marry a Christian. And we have my rabbi who's, I mean my grandfather, who's basically the mayor of Fairlawn. Just kidding, he's the rabbi of Fairlawn. So we have the priest, we have the rabbi, we have the relatives from California, we have the head of my middle school, we have about 60, 13 year olds. And so we had the service and my brother chanted and he was amazing. And then we get to the party and as the sister, it's my responsibility to give a speech. So my mother gives and I'm a sophomore, I'm a sophomore with my hair straightened and my tailored dress. And I feel everyone's telling me I look gorgeous, so I obviously do. And this is my chance, this is my chance to say it like my philosophy. So I had. It was my mom gave a speech and my quirky dad, my quirky bitter dad gave a speech because my mom was there with her new boyfriend. So then my dad gave a speech about saying goodbye to my mom's family, you know, bye, I'll never see you Jews again. And then it was my turn and I was like, first of all, I'm preceded by my quirky very good writer dad and my mom. So I wanted to warm up the room. So I get up there and I'm like, doesn't my mom look hot in her dress, guys? And of course she looked hot because it was this tight black dress that she totally didn't feel comfortable wearing. And so then I continued with the speech and I sort of like half wong it. I said, you know, Eli, who's my brother. I said, eli, you chanted so beautifully. You've turned into such a great teenage boy, you know, all those cheesy essentials. And then I said, and then I was comparing him to an Apple product and say, you know, people say never change, but you should always change because like as an Apple product you get better and better with each invention. And then so basically imagine like right here, there's like 60, 13 year olds and they're all looking up at me. So obviously as a sophomore I feel pretty empowered. And so, and so I get to my grand finale and I look around the room and I say, eli, I have some advice for you. And then I get ready to say, and then I go, fuck everybody. So you've got the rabbi, you've got the priest, you've got my grandparents, you've got the head of the middle school, you've got my mother, you've got my father, and you've got the 16, 13 year olds, not to mention like all the people serving the food and a couple toddlers thrown in. And so, and so you know, my cousins, my 20 something year old cousins still make fun of me to this day. They're like, oh, who was that teenager that gave that amazing speech? And I guess at the time I felt really empowered. I felt like it was really great. And I was so thankful that my parents took it so well and didn't ground me. They were like, oh, you know, lids like, you do what you gotta do, you're a sophomore. But now, but now looking back on it, when I realized that I was in the midst of everyone who's ever cared for me, everyone who's ever done anything for me. My mom who I'm 18, she still packs me lunch. My dad who calls every day to see how I'm doing and told me that he would support any decision that I've ever made. My grandparents who call every weekend and tell me how wonderful I am even if I don't deserve it. And my brother who looked up at me a teary eyed and said, lids, that's one of the best speakers you've ever given. Eli, don't fact check that you actually said that. And I think about this paradox I created like all these people that loved me and I realized that. Eli, that was the shittiest piece of advice I've ever given. Thank you.
- [07:44]
Dan Kennedy
That was Lydia Dubois. Lydia is a graduate of the MOTHS education program and she's a current college student studying social sciences. Lydia says she's grateful for her mother who never unplugged the mic, and for her father for teaching her the F word at age 5 and also for her brother for always listening. To hear more stories from other students and alumni of our education program, just Visit our site themoth.org education that's themoth.org education there you can also learn about our education curriculum, read blogs, and even enroll in our all City Slam for high school students. So check that out. Our next story comes from Louise Irving and she told this at a story slam in Australia in 2015. The theme of the night was payback. Now you're going to hear mention of a combi, as in driving a combi. It means a van. And also a mention of Alby Mangles. He's an Australian documentary filmmaker and he's known for a renowned series of safari films that he made. So here's Louise Irving, live in Melbourne.
- [08:56]
Apple
Okay, so I am a child of Melbourne's southeastern suburbs and I come from stock that doesn't camp, doesn't garden, and is completely disinterested in any kind of outdoor, you know, rugged outdoor activity. And up until I was about 19, actually, when I was 19, rather, I kind of fell in with a group of sort of combi driving hippies who had really mad Boy Scout skills. And I from that point on, I sort of, or my ego at least, has been quite wedded to the idea that I'm kind of half earth mother, half Elby Mangles. And you know, the ego is strong in me, but it is also perhaps a little delusional. Anyway, fast forward to when I was about 29, I met a man and it was all wonderful and it was going incredibly and the first week or so was just a whirlwind and we spent all our time together and when, well, virtually all our time together and the time that we didn't spend together involved me kind of lying around and fantasizing about the perfect future that we were going to have together. And those fantasies had all sorts of components to them in a kind of a choose your own adventure type way. But one of them, kind of a common thread, was Josh, because that was his name, sort of Doing rugged outdoor things in a sort of a wilderness setting. And I. And yeah, so. But sadly for me at least it became quite apparent quite quickly that he was not going to shoehorn him. You know, the actual human being that was Josh wasn't going to shoehorn himself into my particular fantasies. He, you know, one of these reasons was. So he was an American, city dwelling American. He'd come to Australia and totally bought into the whole idea that every animal in Australia is actively wanting to kill you, which might have been a bit, maybe vaguely sensible in some areas, but he lived in Fitzroy and it was very difficult to keep the flames of my fantasy going. For example, or especially when I would take him for a walk along the Yarra Trail there in this quite large hunk of American manhood, I would have to kind of coax across this three metre sort of patch of quite well tended grass in between the Yarra Trail and Dykes Falls in Abbotsford there. Because, you know, and I would even say to him, oh, look, we'll do it conga style and you can kind of put your hands on my waist and I'll take the bullet if there's any snakes or whatever. Even that wouldn't work. But he was, to his credit, he was not going to take. He wasn't going to get on board with my, you know, just trying to kind of shaping him into something he wasn't. And he really stood firm even in our greatest theater of conflict, which was the Carlton Gardens After Dark. If anyone's familiar with the Carlton Gardens After Dark, it is filled with literally dozens and dozens of possums who are very, very tame and very, very confident. And yeah, they kind of hang out in packs and stuff and we used to often use the Carlton Gardens as a shortcut from his house to the city. But to my mind, it wasn't really a shortcut because we weren't allowed to kind of power through the green bits and get efficient about it. We had to stick to the bitumen paths that were well lit because of the possum threat. And I used to think, come on, dude. But I didn't want to say anything because I wanted to be a supportive girlfriend, all that kind of stuff. But, you know, it was tough. I was thinking, you know, we can just run at that pack and, you know, show them who's boss, really. But he was like, no, no, no, I've seen it, I've seen them go for people, so whatever. Anyway, a number of. I'd basically gone and done some shopping in the city. I was by myself. And so I thought, oh, okay, you know, hey, I've got some freedom, I'm going to take the shortcut home and I'm going to do it my way. And I had two bags of shopping anyway. I was cruising through the gardens and quite heavy shopping. So I sat down on a park bench and kind of had a little rest and then suddenly out of the shadows there were about 15 sort of possums that just started cruising around me, getting into the bags and stuff. And I thought, oh, this isn't good, that's okay, I'll just shoo them away. So I shooed them a little bit and they weren't affected whatsoever. And then I kind of started stamping and hissing. No, not a problem. They were just kind cruising in, nosing into the bags and stuff. My sister rang me at this point and I said, this is getting really hairy, I'm going to have to call you back. Hung up and thought, right, you just need to start moving. So I started moving kind of like eastwards across the park and they followed me, following me quite close in a quite scary way. And I thought, well, this isn't good. Started speeding up a little bit more and then out of the corner of my eye, I swear to God, it was about 50 kilometres, 50 metres away, coming at the rate of knots, like as fast as a cat could run sort of thing. And I didn't know what it was. I genuinely thought it was at the time a koala. It was just this huge gray thing, but it was this silverback possum that was just making a beeline for me. And I thought, this can't be happening, this sort of stuff doesn't happen. So I thought I'd test it and I started kind of moving out this way in my kind of arc and it just adjusted its angle and came straight for me. Anyway, it was upon me in no time at all and was literally nipping at my heels, scratching at my shoes. And I was running with these two bags, saying out loud both, what was I saying? I was going, you cannot be serious, you cannot be serious. I don't know who you was. And this isn't happening, this isn't happening. And then I flew off the. They've got a rockery sort of wall there. I flew off that and across the tram tracks, just sprinting for home and turned around at the last moment, you know, once I got a bit of distance and they were all just lined up there like it was an electric fence, just doing this. So of course I got home, you know, all a bit distressed and stuff. And needless to say, Josh loved that story. He thought it was wonderful and felt completely vindicated. The end.
- [15:28]
Dan Kennedy
Louise Irving is a community radio broadcaster, university administrator, and erstwhile copywriter from Melbourne, Australia. She likes long conversations in bars, hiking, and men who remind her of Indiana Jones. So it turns out that was not the end of Louise's story. She has a few extra details that she learned from later that night that she would like to fill us in on.
- [15:54]
Apple
Okay, so there is, I guess, a kind of a part two to this story, or at least there's some extra context. But when I got home after this incident, I immediately ended up regaling this housemate with this unbelievable tale of being stalked by this pack of possums. And in telling him the story, you know, I didn't even pause to put down my shopping bags. And the very first thing he said to me after I finished the story was, were you carrying those bags? And I said, yes. And as it turns out, in this park, this rather eccentric guy would turn up around 2am each night and he'd bring with him several white plastic shopping bags. And these bags were filled to the brim with old bread. And he'd hand feed this bread to the possums. And sometimes, according to Jeremy, this housemate of mine, he would even lie back on the park bench with arms sort of stretched out crucifix style, and he cover the full length of his arm with slices of white bread. And then he just let the possums run right all over his body eating this bread. And just as an incidental aside, the guy would also sometimes bring this boombox from which he would play really aggressive sounding classical music. Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture that. So anyway, as it turns out, these possums couldn't help themselves. They were actually just having this Pavlovian response to my shopping bags.
- [17:18]
Dan Kennedy
Well, all right, that's it for this week. Thanks to all of you for listening. And from all of us here at the Moth, we wish you a story worthy week.
- [17:27]
Apple
Dan Kennedy is the author of the books Loser Goes First, Rock on and American Spirit. He's also a regular host and performer.
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Dan Kennedy
With the Moth Podcast, production by Timothy Liu Lee. The Moth Podcast is presented by prx, the Public Radio Exchange, helping make public radio more public at prx. Org.