Marvin Gelfand: Anger - The Moth | Wave AI Podcast Notes

Summary

The Moth Podcast Summary: "Marvin Gelfand: Anger"

Episode Title: Marvin Gelfand: Anger
Host/Author: The Moth
Release Date: February 14, 2011
Recorded Live: 2006 at The Moth Annual Members Show
Theme: The Seven Deadly Sins – Anger

Introduction

In this episode of The Moth podcast, storyteller Marvin Gelfand delves into the complex emotions surrounding anger within familial relationships. Recorded live in 2006, Marvin's narrative explores his tumultuous upbringing, the challenges of marrying outside his cultural norms, and the transformative power of love in overcoming deep-seated anger.

Marvin’s Family Background

Marvin begins by painting a vivid picture of his early life within a large, tightly-knit Bronx Jewish family. He describes his family's dynamics as "backstabbing, petty fights, screaming," which fostered an environment he found oppressive and bewildering. This oppressive atmosphere ignited his early desire to escape:

"My escape was not particularly clever. First it was books... and sports. I wasn't a bad baseball player, not very good, but determined." [04:30]

Marvin emphasizes his strategic withdrawal through education and personal interests, which were highly valued in Jewish immigrant culture as pathways to success and upward mobility.

Meeting May Abihara

Marvin recounts the pivotal moment when he met May Abihara, a Japanese American woman he encountered at the Columbia Library in 1955. May's background was marked by hardship, having survived a concentration camp during World War II and suffering from "soliosis pretty badly." Despite their cultural differences and her self-described identity as a "heathen," Marvin felt an immediate and profound connection:

"It was instant love for me, plus something from Chaucer... 'Love conquers all.'" [06:10]

The relationship challenged Marvin's preconceptions and ignited his romantic side, leading him to propose marriage even before fully severing ties with his family.

Overcoming Family Anger

Marvin details the intense backlash from his family upon announcing his marriage to May. The anger he experienced was so profound that he likens it to an impending "World War Three":

"Anger isn't the word. It was as furious as the World War Three that a lot of people expected to come around the corner." [07:25]

This familial rejection manifested in a metaphorical "iron door" that shut out his new life with May. The resistance stemmed from historical tensions post-World War II, adding layers of prejudice and cultural misunderstanding to the familial discord.

Life Together and Reconciliation

Despite the initial estrangement, Marvin and May built a life based on mutual respect and shared passions. They became educators and parents to two sons, whose resemblance to May bridged cultural gaps within Marvin's family. Marvin reflects on the gradual thawing of family relations:

"For years and years, the amiable trivia lasted. The anger in the family never relapsed." [10:15]

Marvin illustrates moments of reconciliation at family events like bar mitzvahs and weddings, where his temper flared initially but was tempered by May's "great generosity of spirit." Her anthropologist perspective allowed her to navigate and diffuse tensions gracefully, fostering a fragile peace.

Conclusion and Reflections

Marvin concludes by celebrating the enduring love between him and May, which lasted nearly 45 years until her passing in 2005. He credits May with transcending the "mean bites of soul-shrinking anger" that once dominated his family interactions. The legacy of their relationship is encapsulated in a song that symbolizes their enduring bond:

"I'm yours, you're mine and in our hearts the happy ending starts... forevermore for me and May." [10:50]

Marvin's story is a testament to the transformative power of love and understanding in overcoming anger and animosity, ultimately fostering reconciliation and lasting familial bonds.

About Marvin Gelfand

Marvin Gelfand is a teacher, writer, and political activist from Brooklyn. His poignant storytelling in this episode highlights his journey from a conflicted youth to a reconciled adult, emphasizing the profound impact of personal relationships on overcoming societal and familial anger.

This summary encapsulates Marvin Gelfand's heartfelt narrative about navigating and overcoming anger within his family through love and understanding. His story serves as an inspiring example of how personal connections can bridge deep-seated conflicts.

Transcript

A (0:00)

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B (2:11)

Welcome to the Moth Podcast. I'm Dan Kennedy. Before we get started, we've got some exciting news on the tour front. The Moth is coming to Denver on March 7th and Chicago on March 28th. And that is part of the USA Characters Unite Tour to Combat Prejudice and Discrimination. Tickets are available now@smartticks.com the story you're about to hear by Marvin Gelfand was recorded live at the moth in 2006 at our annual members show. The theme of the Night was the Seven Deadly and it featured a story for every sin. Marvin took on anger.

C (2:51)

My father escaped his icy, neurotic Bronx Jewish family into the arms of what he thought was a welcoming, huge, warm mishpoch, Yiddish, I guess, for Mobile. And that was the Mastinski clan of Williamsburg in Brooklyn. Took him a while to learn what he'd gotten into. I, from my early youth, was planning my escape from this immigrant group who I thought was ghetto minded and insane. Backstabbing, petty fights, screaming. I just never Understood what these 12 brothers and sisters and the in laws were about. My escape was not particularly clever. First it was books, and it remained books for a long time. And sports. I wasn't a bad baseball player, not very good, but determined. And then, of course, education in general, which my parents would have loved. That was the way Jewish immigrants thought you'd go onward and upward. Going away to school helped as well. Little did I know that my deliverer would be a teeny Nisei woman, Japanese American who I met on the steps of the Columbia Library low Library in 1955. May Abihara had come from Portland, Oregon. She was teeny to begin with. Caught TB of the spine when she was in one of our concentration camps in World War II and had soliosis pretty badly. She was also a heathen, as she described herself. When an anthropologist says you're a heathen, you're a heathen, you know. And it was instant love for me, plus something from Chaucer. I forget one of the characters had a belt that said Amora winkit omnia. Love conquers all. I was the romantic of the two of us. She never expected we'd marry, that I could cut the apron strings. But when she went off to Cambodia to do her fieldwork, we corresponded and I realized I couldn't live without her. So I proposed and we came back and the family heard about it. And anger isn't the word. It was as furious as the World War Three that a lot of people expected to come around the corner. So the iron door slammed on us. I had my Jap. It wasn't that much after the Second World War. But no Jewish American princess she, anger or no. We went off to teach together. We had two beautiful sons that got her looks. Came back to New York. My wife finished her PhD. I did not mind, got into literary journalism and went to the ballet and the opera and plays. And on occasion that iron door would creak open at teens and in a meeching gesture of reconciliation we'd be involved to a bar mitzvah invited, excuse me, to a bar mitzvah or a wedding of which there were many. We were always seated at the children's table and I would go into tirades of fury, you know, my mean, small minded, yeah, relations. And May would just look at them with great generosity of spirit and an anthropologist eye. And she would ask me questions about my family that I never thought to ask. You know, nothing got to her, nothing could. There was one couple in the family, my mother's youngest sister, big hearted neurotic who married a Lower east side guy, World War II vet. And they were tough, no high school education and the rest, but quick street smart. And we would meet, talk amiable trivia, have a drink and then go to a restaurant that my uncle knew. He just was a genius about great restaurants in New York. And we did this for years. And one day they called and said, we're coming to town, we'll be shopping. I said, let's meet at Peacock Alley in the Waldorf. And I could sense on the phone he was thinking, these rare birds are going to come out and humiliate us. Now, the Waldorf didn't say it, but I knew it. And I said, no, great piano player there. It's not expensive. And you know, we'll meet. I meet them. The piano player, marvelous fellow named Jimmy Lyons throws me one of these and a big smile. And I looked at my uncle and he said, oh, it's going to come. They've gotten this in way over our cultural heads. They were so thin skinned and sensitive about that kind of thing. Well, in any event, May was late and very late. And being my relations, they got angrier and angrier because they thought she had been flattened by a taxicab or finally was standing them up. Jimmy is playing away on Cole Porter's piano. Huge Bosendorfer, beautiful sound and he shifts from a Cole Porter song into a Gershwin song. We could not see the entrance from where we were sitting, my uncle, aunt and I, I said, may is here. He said, how do you know May is here? You can't see the entrance. The captain pops her around the high and she says, hello, I'm sorry I'm late. How did you know she was here? Say, my relations. But the amiable trivia had begun. So I left them thinking that my Japanese wife had invested me with some Oriental mystery, you know, that we had something going, that I would know where she was. And she made. Well, for years and years, the amiable trivia lasted. The anger in the family never relapsed. And I guess I have to tell you what the song was our song that Jimmy knew. I can't remember all the lyrics, but some of them I do. It went I'm yours, you're mine and in our hearts the happy ending starts what a lovely world this world will be With a world of love in store for you, for me forevermore, forevermore for me and Mei Meiko Ebihara lasted close to 45 years. She died April 23, 2005. To be beyond. Oh hell, she was always beyond the mean bites of soul shrinking anger. Thank.