Ira Glass (4:27)
I. I was thinking about conviction, and I think that sometimes denial can be one of the greatest convictions. About seven years ago, I started walking in my sleep, and I would have these recurring dreams that there was a hovering insect like jackal in our bedroom. And I was living with my girlfriend at the time, and I would jump on the bed, and I would strike a karate pose. I'd never taken karate, but I had the books from book fair. And I would say, abby, that was my girlfriend. There's a jackal in the room. And she got so used to it, she could talk me down while remaining asleep. She said, there's no jackal in the room. Go to bed. And I would say, are you sure? And she would say, yes, Michael, go to bed. There's no jackal. And I would say, okay. And I would go to bed knowing that there was a jackal. And that's trust. It was around that time I had a dream that I was in the Olympics for some kind of arbitrary event like dustbustering. And they told me I got third place. And I stood up on the third place podium, and I'm feeling good about myself. I'm new to the sport, you know, and they say, you know, actually, we reconsidered. You got first place. And I was like, oh, that's a marvelous promotion. You know, I got first place. I move over to the first place podium, and it starts wobbling, and it's wobbling and wobbling, and I wake up, and I'm falling off the top of our bookcase in our living room, and I land on the floor hard on top of our TiVo, and it broke into pieces, and I'm disoriented on the floor. It's like one of these stories where people blackout drinking and they wake up in Idaho and they don't know where they are, and they're like, oh, no, Hardee's, you know, or whatever is there. But it was. But it was in my own living room. I was just like, oh, no. Devo pieces, you know, And I went to bed, and Abby woke me up in the morning, and she said, michael, what happened to the T foe? And I said, I got first place. And it's a long story. So at this point, I thought, you know, maybe I should see a doctor. And then I thought, maybe I'll eat dinner, because that seems more convenient. And. But a lot of people would say this to me. You know, my parents, you know, my dad's a doctor. He'd say, you know, you should really see a doctor. And I remember, you know, saying, you know, I'm really busy, and thinking these people were crazy, you know, like, they don't know how busy I am. And so I never went to a doctor, but I did purchase a book by a doctor named Dr. Dement, which is not the most calming name for a sleep doctor, but it's called the Promise of Sleep. And I learned. And these are helpful tips. I learned turn off cable news or the news before bed, turn off your cell phone, turn off the Internet computer, don't have big meals, that kind of thing. And I came across in the sleep disorders, a disorder that resembled symptoms of mine, and it was called REM Behavior Disorder. And people who have this have a dopamine deficiency. And dopamine is the chemical that's released from your brain into your body, that paralyzes your body when you fall asleep so that you don't do what's in your brain. So I thought, maybe I have this. And then I thought, maybe I'll eat dinner. So I never went to see a doctor until about three years ago. I was performing at a college in Walla Walla, Washington. I'm a comedian by trade, and I was staying at a hotel called La Quinta Inn. And some people correct me. They go, no, no, no. It's La Quinta. I'm like, that's not fair. You can't force me to speak Spanish. I didn't press 2, but I met. I met La Quinta in. In Waiah Waa, Washington. And I fell asleep watching the news, you know, and it was sort of a story about war and something very chaotic. And I fell asleep, and I had a dream that there was a guided missile headed towards my room. And there's all these military personnel in the room with me. And I jump out of bed, and I'm like, what's the plan? And they say, it's come to our attention the missile coordinates are set specifically on you. And I thought, that's very bad, because I don't have a plan for that one. So I decided to jump out the window in my dream. And as it turns out, in my life. And there are two important details. One, I was on the second floor of La Quinta in. And two, the window was closed. So I jumped through a window like the Hulk. And I say that because that's how I described it at the emergency room in Walla Walla, Washington. I was like, you know, the Hulk, you know, he just kind of jumps through stuff. I have a habit of preemptively shouting when something traumatic is about to happen. Like if someone were gonna come up to me after one of my shows because they didn't agree with something I said and they were gonna punch me in the face, my defense would be to just go, ah. That's all I got. You know, Then maybe the person would be like, this is weird. I'm out of here. You know? And so this is a traumatic situation. I jump through the window and I scream, ah. And what was remarkable is that people of this disorder are capable of doing things they couldn't do in their everyday life. It's like blacking out drinking, where you don't feel any pain or inhibition. I jumped through a second story window and I landed on the front lawn of the hotel. I took a spill, I got back up and I kept running. And I'm running, and I'm slowly realizing I'm on the front lawn of La Quinta in. In waiiu, Washington, in my underwear, bleeding. And I'm like, oh, no. And it was one of those rare moments in your life where in retrospect, you're like, what the hell? And at the time, you're like, I guess I'll walk to the front desk and explain what happened. Fortunately, the person working at the front desk was mildly retarded. And I say fortunately because he was completely unfazed by what had just happened. It's three in the morning. The phones are ringing off the hook from people staying at the hotel who just saw the guy jump out the window screaming, I'm bleeding in my underwear. And I say, hello? Because as it turns out, you have to start somewhere. I'm staying at the hotel Credibility. I had an incident wherein I jumped out of my window, I am bleeding, and I need to go to a hospital. And I'll never forget his reaction because he just goes, huh? And I thought, this is the best possible reaction I could receive at this juncture. And so I drove myself to the hospital. You know, I'm all alone in this very remote place, and I wasn't gonna knock on people's doors at random. Hey, did you hear that guy screaming? That was me. I need a ride. You know, I mean. And so I drove myself. I checked myself into the emergency room. I had to explain what happened three times. You know, the nurse and the doctor and the front desk. I'm the hulk. I'm the Hulk. I'm the Hulk. And the doctor, God bless him, worked on me until about 5:30 in the morning. And he put 30 stitches in my arms and in my legs. And even he's an emergency room doctor. And even he was like, you should be dead. And I was like, no, you should. I zinged him. And then about 5:30 I drove back to the hotel and I checked out and I actually, I paid for the window like any good window jumper would. And. And it was $300 for the window and about 49 for the room. And I went back to New York and I did what I should have done in the first place. When I saw the Jackal, I went to a doctor who specializes in sleepwalk disorders. So now when I go to bed at night, I take a very strong pill and I sleep in a sleeping bag up to my neck and I wear mittens so I can't open the sleeping bag. So literally, if I had the same dream again, it would just be like. And so in closing, I think that if it weren't for denial, I wouldn't be a comedian. Because to be a comedian you have to go on stage that first, those first few years and bomb and then walk off stage and think that went great because otherwise you'd never get on stage the next night. You would just think, human beings don't like me. But sometimes denial can kill you. Thank you very much.
