Mike Birbiglia: There’s Something in My Bladder - The Moth

Summary

Podcast Title: The Moth
Episode: Mike Birbiglia: There’s Something in My Bladder
Release Date: February 27, 2012
Host: Dan Kennedy

Introduction

In this compelling episode of The Moth, renowned comedian and storyteller Mike Birbiglia shares his deeply personal and humorous journey through a harrowing medical diagnosis. Titled "There’s Something in My Bladder," Birbiglia navigates the turbulent emotions and absurdities that arise when faced with a life-threatening health scare. This story, delivered with Birbiglia’s signature blend of vulnerability and wit, offers listeners a poignant exploration of fear, resilience, and the human spirit.

A Hypochondriac's Worst Nightmare

Birbiglia begins by unveiling his lifelong struggle with hypochondria, humorously describing how a cancer diagnosis ironically validates his incessant health anxieties. He sets the stage with a relatable predicament:

“I have a story I'll tell you of red matter... When I was 19, I had a malignant tumor in my bladder. But it's funny. Stay with me because I'm a hypochondriac.” (03:00)

His candid admission not only establishes his vulnerability but also invites the audience into the chaotic mind of someone perpetually fearing the worst.

The Initial Shock: Blood in the Urine

The narrative intensifies as Birbiglia recounts the moment he discovers blood in his urine during a routine rest stop:

“There was blood in my pee, which I knew could mean, like, five things, and three of them mean I die.” (04:30)

This alarming discovery propels him into a maelstrom of fear and overthinking, illustrating how his hypochondria magnifies a typical medical issue into a life-threatening crisis.

A Misguided Medical Encounter

Birbiglia humorously details his first visit to the urologist, highlighting his naivety and the awkwardness of the situation:

“I felt so bad. I was like, sorry about the theatrics, you know, as though I had intended it, you know, like, this will be my big moment when he sticks his finger up my ass.” (06:15)

This humorous take on an uncomfortable medical procedure showcases Birbiglia’s ability to find levity in distressing circumstances, making his story both entertaining and relatable.

Undergoing the Cystoscopy and Hospitalization

The storyline progresses as Birbiglia undergoes a cystoscopy, a procedure he initially perceives as less daunting until the reality sets in:

“He went, you gotta come in tomorrow morning for what's called a cystoscopy... And I said, I feel like there was too much emphasis on the muffin and not enough emphasis on the fishing rod.” (07:00)

His vivid analogy underscores the unexpected fears that accompany medical examinations, transforming clinical terms into accessible and humorous imagery.

The situation escalates when complications arise during the procedure, leading to an unexpected hospitalization:

“I wake up in the recovery room, and I'm sky high with my mom... And my mom's mortified. She's like, shh. And I was like, do you hate me?” (08:30)

This moment captures the raw emotional turmoil and the strained dynamics that can surface in high-stress medical situations.

Facing the Possibility of Death

Birbiglia delves into the existential dread of awaiting his biopsy results, contemplating mortality with a mix of humor and sincerity:

“A week in my life I thought I might die, which is an incredible experience if you ever have the chance.” (09:00)

He reflects on the surreal experience of feeling connected to a higher power during moments of intense fear:

“When you think you're gonna die, you'll do anything. You start going to church a few times a week... I was brand loyal to Jesus, but I'm not stubborn.” (09:15)

The Positive Outcome and Lingering Fears

Relief washes over Birbiglia as he learns that the tumor was caught early, sparing him from further invasive treatments. However, the ordeal leaves a lasting impact:

“They found a malignant tumor from my bladder. But they caught it early enough so they didn't have to take any further action.” (09:40)

Despite the positive outcome, Birbiglia maintains his humorous outlook, balancing gratitude with his enduring anxieties:

“They said I had to come back for a cystoscopy while I'm awake. I know, but it's okay because afterwards I eat a muffin.” (09:50)

Conclusion

Mike Birbiglia’s "There’s Something in My Bladder" is a masterful blend of comedy and candid storytelling. Through his narrative, Birbiglia not only entertains but also provides profound insights into the human experience of fear, vulnerability, and the search for humor amidst adversity. His ability to transform a potentially traumatic medical crisis into a story of resilience and laughter resonates deeply, leaving listeners both moved and amused.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

Hypochondriac Realization:

“It was less funny at the time... Oh, my God.” (00:00)
Blood in the Urine:

“I knew could mean, like, five things, and three of them mean I die.” (04:30)
Awkward Medical Procedure:

“This will be my big moment when he sticks his finger up my ass.” (06:15)
Hospital Recovery:

“I'm sky high with my mom... Do you hate me?” (08:30)
Considering Mortality:

“A week in my life I thought I might die, which is an incredible experience if you ever have the chance.” (09:00)
Humorous Outlook Post-Diagnosis:

“It's okay because afterwards I eat a muffin.” (09:50)

Final Thoughts

Mike Birbiglia's storytelling prowess shines in this episode, offering a heartfelt and humorous exploration of a personal medical crisis. His ability to weave humor into moments of fear not only endears him to the audience but also provides a comforting reminder of the resilience inherent in the human spirit. For listeners seeking a blend of laughter and introspection, this episode of The Moth is both entertaining and enlightening.

Transcript

A (0:00)

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B (1:09)

Welcome to the Moth Podcast. I'm Dan Kennedy. Here's some news for our listeners in Chicago. Peter Sagal hosts the third Chicago Grand Slam that's going to be on Tuesday, March 13th at the Park West. And for more information or to buy tickets, just Visit the site themoth.org the story you're about to hear by Mike Birbiglia was told live in a Moth show that was a collaboration with the 2010 World Science Festival. The theme of the night was Gray Stories from the Left and the Right.

C (1:45)

I don't have a story of gray matter, but I do have a. I have a story I'll tell you of red matter. When I was 19, I had a malignant tumor in my bladder. But it's funny. Stay with me because I'm a hypochondriac. And I think the funniest thing that can happen to a hypochondriac is that you get cancer because it confirms every fear you've ever had in your entire life. You know, you're like, see, I told you. Remember last week when I was overtired and I thought I had rickets? I was probably right about that too. There's going to be a lot of changes around here. It was less funny at the time. I remember I was driving home from Christmas break. I went to school in Washington, D.C. and about halfway home I stopped at a rest stop to pee. And I don't mean to Be graphic. This is just what happened. There was blood in my pee, which I knew could mean, like, five things, and three of them mean I die. And the other two aren't exactly a trip to the Bahamas. You either. And it was particularly disappointing because sometimes when I'm on road trips alone, I'll have water drinking contests with myself to see how clear I can make my pee, who's with me? And I will. I'll drink all this water. I'll stop at a urinal, it'll be clear. I'll be like, bingo. And so when it was red, I was like, oh, I lost big time. No, I actually. I got very anxious. When I get anxious, I get that shortness of breath. You know, that feeling where you feel like you can't breathe and then you feel like you're gonna die. Because breathing is one of the building blocks of living. I get home around 1:30 in the morning. My dad is sitting up, reading in his chair, and I tell him what happened. And he has a very grave look on his face because he's a doctor, so he knows about the Bahamas. He takes me first thing in the morning to see a urologist. Now, I didn't know at the time what urologists do. I mean, I'm 31 years old now. My friends have gone for prostate exams, that kind of thing. But when I was 19, I was very naive. So when he said, put your hands on the table, I was very confident that this would go pretty well, you know, I was like, all right, I can put my hands here on the table. And then what happened was, was that he stuck his finger. And I did not know that was about to happen. And so I shouted. I go, oh, my God. And he got mad at me. He was like, cut the theatrics. And I felt so bad. I was like, sorry about the theatrics, you know, as though I had intended it, you know, like, this will be my big moment when he sticks his finger up my ass. I'll prove I should be the star of Our Town, you know, I don't know how you're supposed to react in that kind of a situation. Even if I were a robot, I'd be like, system error. Oh, my God. So he goes, listen, Mike, you gotta come in tomorrow morning for what's called a cystoscopy. And doctors always dress this stuff up. He goes, it's no big deal. You come in, they put an IV in, you fall asleep, you wake up, you eat a muffin, you go home. I was like, oh, all right. That sounds pretty good. Still shaken up from the table, but just out of curiosity, like, what is a cystoscopy? And he picks up this rod, and it's about 4ft long. And he says, there's a camera on the end of this. And we stick it through your urethra to look into your bladder. And I said, I feel like you glossed over a few details in the initial description. I feel like there was too much emphasis on the muffin and not enough emphasis on the fishing rod. You're sticking into my number three body part on E's top 100 sexiest body parts. Next morning, I wake up and I feel like I can't breathe again. I go into the hospital, and they put the IV and they couldn't find a vein for a while. Which is always fun, you know, just some stranger poking you with a needle, and you have to take it, like, ah, okay. Ah. Okay. Eventually, she found a vein. Apparently I have one. And then I. I fell asleep. And then while I'm under, they found something with the scope. So they decide they're going to keep me under and put me under further so they can take it out. So they put me under the street equivalent of horse tranks. That's what the nurse told me later. I'm still not sure why. Maybe in case I wanted more later. I know how to find them on the streets. But I wake up in the recovery room, and I'm sky high with my mom, which is not the first time in my life that I've been high with my mom. But it was the first time she knew. And I don't react to drugs very well. I'm like, the guy, if you're ever smoking pot in a group, who's like, do you guys hate me? You know? Who's at the door? Who's at the door? Who's at the door? Why does my heart hurt? Is that rickets? You know, I'm not proud of that. That's just what I am. And my voice gets very loud. And so I wake up in the recovery room. It's mostly elderly people, but in my mind, it's like a dance club. I'm like, this place is awesome. We should come here all the time. I don't know why we didn't come here sooner. Dad's always here. Cause he's a doctor, you know? And my mother's mortified. She's like, shh. And I was like, do you hate me? A few hours later, she's driving me home, and she has to explain, explain what's happened? Because I still don't know. And she said the doctors found something in your bladder. And I knew whenever they tell you that, it's never anything good. You know, like we found something in your bladder and it's season tickets to the Yankees. Never that. Not once ever. And so talk about highs and lows. I was literally the highest I'd ever been. And then I was told I might die, which is like being handed a pizza and then being shot. Shot. So I start crying because I'm crying, my mother's crying. Because crying is a little bit like throwing up. You know, it's a chain reaction. We get home and all you can do in these situations is wait. You know, we had to wait a week for the biopsy to come back on the item they'd taken out with the scope. So for a week in my life I thought I might die, which is an incredible experience if you ever have the chance. Because what happens is you'll talk to God even if you're not sure there's a God, which is very strange. Just talk to anyone who might be available. You know, God, Allah, the elephant thing from Hinduism, L. Ron Hubbard, Harry Potter, you know, like I'm brand loyal to Jesus, but I'm not stubborn, you know, I mean, I was raised Catholic, very Catholic. I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no, I wasn't. And I think it's cause they knew I was a talker. You know, I have that looking back me, I was so bad at it. I think they thought, well, if he's this bad at lighting candles, wink, you know, that kind of thing, I was too fidgety. But I'll tell you, when you think you're gonna die, you'll do anything. You start going to church a few times a week. You're like, load up the station wagon, we're going to pray for me again. A week goes by and the biopsy comes back. And it turned out I was very fortunate. It had taken out a malignant tumor from my bladder. But they caught it early enough so they didn't have to take any further action. Except every six months as a precaution, they said I had to come back for a cystoscopy while I'm awake. I know, but it's okay because afterwards I eat a muffin.