Summary of "Mike Daisey: What Was Lost" – The Moth Podcast Episode
Introduction
In the episode titled "Mike Daisey: What Was Lost," released on July 19, 2010, The Moth presents a poignant and deeply personal narrative by Mike Daisey. Known as the "master storyteller" by The New York Times, Daisey unravels a transformative period in his early adulthood marked by ambition, love, unexpected responsibility, and profound loss.
Background: Ambitions and Aspirations
Mike Daisey begins his story at the age of 20, firmly rooted in his aspirations. Attending a small, liberal micro ivy college in Maine on a scholarship, he is immersed in the study of poetry. Daisey shares, “I was very serious about the plan... I knew exactly what to do” ([02:50]). His acceptance into the prestigious Iowa Writers Workshop solidified his dream of becoming a poet—a goal he held in high esteem, especially considering the limited opportunities in his economically struggling hometown of Maine.
The Relationship Strain
Amidst his academic pursuits, Daisey was in an on-again, off-again long-distance relationship with his high school girlfriend, who attended another college. Their relationship, characterized by infrequent yet intense interactions, revolved primarily around physical intimacy and heartfelt correspondence. Daisey reflects on the inherent challenges of their separation: “when you don't see each other very often, you don't get as sick of each other as you should” ([05:10]). This detachment sowed seeds of doubt about the sustainability of their union.
The Unexpected News
The turning point arrives unexpectedly while Daisey is engrossed in a movie night with friends. He receives a phone call informing him that his girlfriend is eight months pregnant. The revelation thrusts him into a whirlwind of emotions and decisions. Daisey recounts the immediate impact: “It was snowing all the time... I just remember so much snow and so much pain” ([07:30]). The couple deliberates extensively and initially agrees to place the child up for adoption—a decision that seems meticulously planned yet fraught with underlying tensions.
Living Together and Emotional Turmoil
Shortly after the pregnancy announcement, Daisey takes a leave of absence to support his girlfriend during her final weeks of pregnancy. This period becomes his first experience living with another woman, intensifying his emotional turmoil. He describes the coldness and distance that permeated their interactions: “We couldn't believe what we were going to do” ([10:20]). Navigating through adoption dossiers filled with hopeful adoptive families, Daisey feels the weight of relinquishing their child, further deepening his internal conflict.
Betrayal and Shattered Agreements
Upon returning to his studies, Daisey receives a devastating call from his girlfriend—she has decided to keep the baby. This unexpected decision shatters their prior agreement and leaves Daisey grappling with feelings of betrayal and anger. He articulates this turmoil: “I was very angry... I felt betrayed” ([14:15]). Despite understanding her autonomy in the decision, the emotional fallout leads to the collapse of their relationship. Daisey becomes increasingly absent, resorting to late-night drives and isolation as he struggles to process his emotions.
Life After the Breakup
The aftermath of the breakup sees Daisey dropping out of school and losing his scholarship. Over the next year, he endeavors to rebuild his life, eventually relocating to Seattle in an attempt to distance himself from the painful memories of Maine. However, the scars of his past linger, influencing his present as he transitions from aspiring poet to artist. Daisey reflects on his journey: “inside of me, there's a scale, a balance... I weigh what I've done and what I've given up” ([17:10]). This metaphor illustrates his ongoing struggle to reconcile past regrets with present achievements.
Emotional Reflection and Loss
In the latter part of his story, Daisey delves into his nightly battles with guilt, shame, anger, and regret. He confesses, “all that's left is this loss, this absence, this terrible feeling that I just wish... I just miss her” ([18:00]). These raw emotions underscore the profound sense of loss not just of a relationship, but also of his envisioned future and personal identity.
Conclusion: Embracing the Loss
Mike Daisey concludes his narrative with a heartfelt acknowledgment of his enduring sense of loss and absence. He emphasizes that despite moving forward and achieving certain goals, the emotional remnants of that pivotal year continue to shape his existence. This honest and vulnerable recounting serves as a testament to the lasting impact of unexpected life events and the complex interplay between personal ambition and unforeseen responsibilities.
Notable Quotes
- “I had a plan and I was very serious about the plan... I knew exactly what to do.” ([02:50])
- “When you don't see each other very often, you don't get as sick of each other as you should.” ([05:10])
- “It was snowing all the time... I just remember so much snow and so much pain.” ([07:30])
- “I was very angry... I felt betrayed.” ([14:15])
- “Inside of me, there's a scale, a balance... I weigh what I've done and what I've given up.” ([17:10])
- “All that's left is this loss, this absence, this terrible feeling that I just wish... I just miss her.” ([18:00])
Insights and Reflections
Mike Daisey's story encapsulates the unpredictability of life and the fragility of meticulously laid plans. It highlights the emotional turmoil that accompanies unforeseen responsibilities and the profound sense of loss that can arise from disrupted dreams. Daisey's narrative serves as a powerful reminder of the resilience required to navigate life's challenges and the enduring impact of pivotal moments on one's personal and professional trajectory.
Conclusion
In "What Was Lost," Mike Daisey delivers a compelling and emotionally charged story that resonates with anyone who has faced unexpected life changes. Through vivid storytelling and candid reflections, he invites listeners to contemplate the delicate balance between ambition and the human experience, ultimately illustrating how loss and absence can shape one's path in unforeseen ways.