Rosetta Stone Representative (0:00)

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Apple Representative (1:07)

Today, the Apple Watch Series 10 is here. It has the biggest display ever. It's also the thinnest Apple Watch ever, making it even more comfortable on your wrist whether you're running, swimming or sleeping. And it's the fastest charging Apple Watch, getting you eight hours of charge in just 15 minutes. The Apple Watch Series 10, available for the first time in glossy jet black aluminum compared to previous generations. IPhone XS are later required charge time and actual results will vary.

Kathryn Burns (1:39)

Hey y'all, I'm Kathryn Burns, the Moth's artistic director. Welcome to a special bonus episode of the Moth Podcast. Today we're celebrating our friend Mike Birbiglia, whose DVD comes out this week. It's called My Girlfriend's Boyfriend, and here's some fun history. The story that makes up the framework of the show is actually the first story that Mike ever told at the Moth way back in 2003. It was one of the first stories he ever told on stage and also the first story that I directed. So Mike and the Moth go way back and we're so proud of him. And for this podcast, we're going to play a story that he told in 2011 at Town hall in New York City. The theme of the show was Raise the Roof. Here's Mike.

Mike Birbiglia (2:24)

I'm a comedian. That's my job, which is it's a very strange job. And it's something that I think about almost daily as an existential question, like what I am, because I wasn't the most common. The question people ask when you're a comedian is, were you the class clown in school? I was just definitively not class clown. Was always the mean guy who walked in a room, was like, you're fat, you're gay. I'm out of here. You know, And I was always. I was always a little fat and a little gay. Like, I never got along with that guy. And. But my. The reason that people ask me to appear at things is to, you know, they hire me is to actually to raise the roof. That is the premise of what I'm supposed to do. And the problem is, I'm not very good at that. Like, the whole reason that I'm a comedian is actually that. I'm sorry. So awkward that I actually have a habit of making awkward situations even more awkward. Like, I'll give you an example. A few years ago, I was moving a new bed into my apartment, and this woman who lived in the building opened the front door for me with her key, and she said, I'm not worried because a rapist wouldn't have a bed like that. That's how she started the conversation. Now, what I should have said was, nothing. What I did say was, you'd be surprised. You know, there's nothing. There's nothing you can say after that. You're just like. Or whatever, you know, see you around the building. You know, I just don't. I don't have. Have an on deck circle in my brain, you know, it's just always just like, batter up. You know, and it's. I'm just, you know, I'm at the plate going, I don't know about this one, Mike. And, you know, my brain is just like this drunk little league dad. Like, you go out there and take some cuts, son. You know? And so a few years ago, I was asked to perform at a charity golf tournament in New Jersey. And I said yes, because secretly, I enjoy golf. And I'm not against charity. I'm not gonna cockblock charity. What am I, a monster? So I went to this event and I brought my brother Joe. My brother Joe is like. He's kind of like. My family calls him America's Guest as a nickname, because he'll always just invite himself along to whatever kind of vacation or trip you have planned. He'll be like, might I tag along? You know, but he's kind of like a bad entourage member, you know, he's never like, you the man Mike. You know, he's always like, I don't know what dad would think about this. And. And do you think they have any more shrimp? You know, that kind of thing? But I asked Joe to join me at this event. And so I wake up that morning and I get dressed, and I'm not like a good adult yet. You know, Like, I think, like, one of the things that defines being a good adult is that when you wake up, you plan out your outfit based on what is going to occur for the rest of the day. I don't have that part of my brain develop, like, I'm just like one outfit forever. Go. You know, and so I go to this. The golfing part was the first part, and it's my brother Joe and myself, and we're paired up with these two other golfers. And it turns out it was a celebrity golf tournament. And the first thing that our companions say to us is, who do you think our celebrity is going to be? And for a moment, I got excited. I was like, oh, yeah? Who do you think our celebrity's going to be? And then I was like, oh, no, I think it might be me. You know, and then I'm like, apologizing for the rest of the day. I'm like, I'm really sorry. I'm your celebrity. If you think this is disappointing to you, you can't imagine how disappointing it is for me. And at the end of the golfing, I'm. I'm a mess. Like, I'm, you know, my. I'm all. My pants are all wrinkled. There's like dirt all over me. And I'm realizing, like, oh, no, I want to have it forever. What about that plan? So I'm just like, in the locker room, just like, kind of just scrubbing off dirt and like, ironing. Like, I took off my pants and I found an iron, like, in a closet, and I took off my pants and I'm ironing them on a bench in the locker room because I can't find an ironing board in my underwear, which is a dead giveaway that those are my only pants. And then I go up to the event with Joe and I said to the woman in charge, we're in like this kind of multi purpose kind of semi formal function room at like a golf club. And the. The woman comes over, who's in charge? And I said, what's the format of the event? And she said, well, there's two speakers and then you. And then a raffle. I'm trying to remain optimistic, you know, I was like, well, you know, I've never opened for A raffle. Now, before I tell you this part of the story, I want to remind you that you're on my side. The first speaker was an 11 year old boy who survived leukemia. He's not funny at all. He's talking about leukemia. Details involving leukemia. Bohemia. Everyone's crying. Literally everyone in the room is crying, as am I, but for two reasons. One, for the Karen and two, because I have to perform comedy. After this child's speech, it gets worse because my brother Joe leans over to me and he goes, this ain't looking so good, Mike. The second speaker was Phil Sims, who is a two time super bowl champion quarterback. He's also a professional broadcaster for the NFL and gets up and gives just a very inspiring speech. He even sprinkles in a few jokes about golf that were similar to jokes I had thought of about golf that day. It was like watching the last drops of my joke canteen trip out onto a desert of cancer. Phil Simms gets a standing ovation, which he should have. Clearly the show is over. Surely there can't be anyone more famous than Super Bowl MVP Phil Sims. But wait, there was. It was comedian Mike Birbiglia who had no business being at this event. They brought me onto the stage and as a comedian, like, failure is very personal when you're bombing, you know, it's not like it's a judgment of you. You know, it's not like a play where you can like go, well, I didn't like the set or the costumes. With stand up comedy, if people don't like it, they're basically saying, we don' like you. You know, your personality. And it's, you know, and it's exciting when it goes well. You know, when it's going well, you're like, oh, this is great. You know, this is like jazz, you know, but when it, when it, you know, every once in a while you're like, well, sometimes jazz sucks. Like, what if I'm the Kenny G of comedy? Like, what if I think I sound like this? Like, and in fact I sound like this because, you know, when he play, when Kenny plays that song, he thinks he's doing great. He's like, oh, yeah, that was great. And then his friends are like, that song sucked. And then he's like, yeah, yeah, I know that one sucked. But how about this? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Kenny, that's the same song. You're the worst musician ever and we're your friends. I'm on stage at the charity golf event and I am Just Kenny G ing it up, you know, just. Just blowing. What's important to note is I don't want to fail. I want. These are good people running the event. This is a good thing for everyone and I want it to go well. And so I think to myself, like, why don't I make jokes that are specific to this event? I know I'm in the future also. I had that thought for about one and a half seconds. And then, batter up. I said to the audience, a true story. When I was 19, I had a malignant tumor in my bladder. And. And so I said to the audience, I said, you know, when I was younger, I went to the doctor and they told me there was something in my bladder. Whenever they tell you that, it's never anything good. You know, like, we found something in your bladder and it's season tickets to the Yankees. Not only at this point do they dislike me, but they are angry at me. And I threw in the towel and I said thank you and apologize at the same time, which I had never done. I was like, thank you, sorry. And I walked off and I said to my brother Joe, I go, joe, we are leaving this place now. And that's when Joe said, and I quote, mike, we can't. They're just about to start the raffle. And because everybody left, my odds are amazing. Thank you very much.