Rosetta Stone Representative (0:00)

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Dan Kennedy (1:08)

Welcome to the Moth Podcast. I'm Dan Kennedy. This Moth podcast is supported by New Belgium Brewing and their traveling bicycle celebration Tour de Fat. Join fellow bicycle enthusiasts and celebrate local cycling. More info@facebook.com tourdefat this podcast is also brought to you by Audible.com, the Internet's leading provider of audiobooks with more than 100,000 downloadable titles across all types of literature. For the Moth listeners, Audible is offering a free audiobook to give you a chance to try out their service. You may like to consider listening to Lots of Candles, Plenty of Cake written and read by New York Times best selling author and Pulitzer Prize winner Anna Quindlen. Lots of Candles, Plenty of Cake is filled with Quindlund's illuminating insights, using her past, present and future to explore friends, marriage, mothers, faith, loss, stuff in our closets, and more. That's Lots of Candles, Plenty of Cake, written and read by Anna Quindlen. Available on Audible. To try Audible for free today and get a free audiobook of your choice, go to audible.com the moth that's audible.com themoth the story you're about to hear by Rachel Dratch was told at the Moth last year. The theme of the night was shot through the heart. Stories of bows and arrows. That's bows. B E A U S Just wanted to clarify that.

Rachel Dratch (2:44)

Hi. Okay, so I was on Saturday Night Live for seven years and my contract was up and I was supposed to star In a new show called 30 Rock in the role of Jenna. Have you guys seen 30 Rock? Yeah, I'm not Jenna. So everything sort of started to dry up, and I wasn't getting any jobs, any auditions, and I decided, you know what? I am not going to sit around and just mope around my apartment. I'm going to take this time to do all the things that I didn't have time to do when I was a working actor. So I did all those little things on my list. Like, I actually took Spanish class, you know, that kind of stuff. And I dog sat for my friend's dog. I was a dog owner for a month, you know, because I wouldn't have had time to do that if I was a TV star. And so then I decided to take on the biggest challenge of all. I decided to try dating in New York. Now, I had never actually really been on a real date before. Like, I mean, probably a little bit, but not a lot of dates where you're like, how many brothers and sisters do you have? Like, that kind of thing. My dating life consisted mainly of meeting someone in your workplace. In my place, that was comedy dating them, and then three months into it, finding out they were an addict of some sort. Alcohol, pot, sex addict. Not with me, mind you, but a sex addict, and then dating them for a whole other year before it just had a tragic demise. So I decided that if I was going to go on some real dates and go out and meet people, that I was going to have to get out of my comfort zones, which were keeping me from dating. The first comfort zone was just hanging out with comedy dudes who you work with and that you can flirt with all night, and they're sort of like your fake boyfriend, but then you always go home alone. Or the second one was just like, going out to dinner with your girlfriends in New York, which you can do, like, every night and not meet anybody new. And then my third one was hanging out with my gay man friends, you know, going to, like, a Broadway show and cocktails or something. So I was like, I need to stop hanging out my comfort zone. So imagine my happiness when I got invited to this party from this guy who's hosting it, who I met at Burning Man. Yes. I. Yeah, the fact that I went to Burning man is a whole other story. That's for another night. But. So I was all excited about this party because this guy, he went to Stanford and he was in business. And I was like, this is so not my crowd. I mean, it's my crowd in My fantasy world, but it's not my crowd in my New York life. So I was like, yes, I'm gonna go to this party and really, you know, try to. Try to get out and meet people. So actually, I was challenged because about two nights before the party, I was invited to go for free to Billy Elliot with my gay friend Chris. But I was like, no, Rachel, you cannot go to the Broadway show. You have to go to this party. So I went to the party and almost immediately I was rewarded for stepping out of the comfort zone because my friend who I was supposed to meet there, was late. So that forced me to talk to strangers. And I'm pretty shy, actually. So, like, I was just standing by the. You know, I didn't know anyone at this party. I was standing by the little hors d'oeuvre table and this guy walked up and I was like, hi. Now, for me, that's, like, huge. So that I actually initiated. And so we started chatting and this guy, like, he was really cute and he was a scientist and. Which I was like, that's so cool. You know, like someone else might meet an actor and think, that's so cool. But I'm like, oh, oh, you have a regular job, you know. And so he was like, funny. Like, actually at one point I asked, I was like, what's your name? And he had just put some food in his mouth. So he's like, hold on a second. And then he was like, I know what you do, and I think you'd have better timing than that. And I thought that was kind of cool. Like, he was like, I recognize you, but I'm not going to really say it. So. So anyway, okay, so we were just totally hitting it off. Like this guy, like, I said he was, like, smart, and it turns out he spoke fluent Japanese. I was like, woo. So I was just on board. And so it all happened like it does. Like these dates I've seen on TV or the movies, but never in my life. Because this guy, like, we were just talking about our favorite restaurants in New York, and I said, mine. He's like, oh, we should go there sometime. Give me your number. It was like, what? So it was all so smooth and natural and it was all working just like on tv. So I was all excited. Oh. For the purpose of the story, this guy's name was Steve, but his real name was Brent. So the next morning I woke up and I was like, all excited. I was like, well, who knows if he'll really call it? Well, he texted me at noon. The next day I was like, that is good. Good noon. And he was like, do you want to go out Friday or Saturday night? I was like, Friday or. Those are real date nights. That's not, like, want to meet up Monday at 10 after? It was like, no Friday or Saturday. So I was like, all excited about this. So I was just so happy that week. I was, you know, I had the potential of love in my life. And I was just like, do, do, do, do, do, do. And then. But then on Thursday, so we're supposed to go out Saturday night. But then on Thursday, I went to Trader Joe's and disaster struck because I picked up a gro. I was checking, picked up my grocery bag. It wasn't even a heavy bag at all. I don't know what the hell was happening. But I picked up this bag and my whole back went out. It was like spring. And so I had to walk home like this, you know, like an old lady. And I was thinking the first thing was like, oh, no, this date is in two nights from now. And I was like, does God not want me to date? Why is this happening the only time I'm excited now? This back thing had only happened one other time in my life, and that was back when I was on snl. It was the read through, which is like, everyone's around, like, the cast, the host, Lorne Michaels, the whole staff is in this one room. And I was walking back to my chair during the break, and I sort of stumbled. Like, nothing major, but my whole back really went up that time. Like, I couldn't move. I was on the floor and I was riding. It was like a charley horse, but up your whole back. So I was like. And I couldn't even move an inch that time. And so they were like, does anyone have any pain medication? Does anyone have muscle relaxants? Now, if this had been the 70s, it would have been, you know, a pile of pills thrown on the table, but nobody. It was clean living time now. So nobody had any. Even the host was Johnny Knoxville. Even he didn't have any. He said they were back in his hotel room. So. So they had to send. They had to send down for the NBC doctor. And I was like, paralyzed. I happened to fall. So, like, my head was kind of under the conference table. Well, eventually there was no point in just waiting for me because I was like, there, stuck. So they just started the read through up again. And, you know, someone else was reading my parts like I couldn't even. I was just like, I was squeezing the doctor's hand. And every so often, Lauren would be like, is Rachel okay down there? And they'd be like, no, she still can't talk. So anyway, that took, like, two hours to recover from. So I was so dreading this date because I was like, what if that happens on the date and I'm in some East Village restaurant and I have to be carted off in an ambulance or something? It would be so embarrassing. So Saturday day of the date comes along, and my back still isn't better. So a friend of mine's like, well, what about acupuncture? And I was looking for a miracle because I was so excited about this guy. So I started to call up some acupuncturists on a Saturday to see can you take me in two hours? So none of the ones that were recommended could take me. So then I went to the acupuncturist that was not recommended. And I'd like to tell you all that that is a business. You want a reference? Don't do the walk in on the acupuncture. I went to one of those Chinese storefront joints that my friend Chris, he had gotten massages there, and I'd actually met the doctor of Eastern medicine there. And he looked like a good guy. So he's like, they can see you. So I went in there. Well, that guy was nowhere to be found. It was this woman sitting there in a chair. And I was like, oh, no, no, this is not going to be good. But I went through with it. Like, I did not follow my gut. And I'm still convinced that she was just a masseuse who they let do acupuncture on the weekends. Like, because she led me back. You know, it's those curtains. And another thing you don't want in a medical establishment is the smell of cat pee. That's just a. Another little tip for you. But. So she brought me back in the curtains. I was like. I was like, I'm kind of nervous. She's like, don't be nervous. I was like. And then she stuck two knee first needle, back of the knee. You might think they'd ease you in a little bit, but no, it was like, back of the knee. It would hurt so much. Like, I don't think it was supposed to hurt that much. The back was fine, but the back of the knee and the inside of the ankle were the two killers. And she'd come by every so often and twist them and, like, the pain would shoot up my leg. And I was like. And I was going, no, not the knee, not the knee. There were just curtains of people getting massages, just hearing like, not the knee. Anyway, it didn't help at all. My back was still the same, but now I had this, like, nausea of thinking of the knee needles, you know, so I had to fight that off. Anyway, so I go on the date, and I wasn't like, 100% feeling good, you know, so we didn't have that same sort of sparkly rapport that we had the first night because I was in pain, but I told him my back hurt, but I didn't want to be like, I have back problems. So I didn't really go into so much detail about it. I was kind of trying to sit, you know, comfortably. But so it went okay. But then. So then we said, okay, we'll go out again. He was going away on business, and we decided we'd see each other again. So I did have two little red flags about this guy. But I decided I'm not going to tell my friends about these red flags because, like, what if it turns out to be nothing? And then, you know, I end up marrying this guy and then I don't want some friend asking about that red flag again. So the first red flag was just alcohol. Like, he just drank a lot that night. Like, I was still nursing a glass of wine from the bar. We ordered a bottle of wine at the table, and he drank basically the whole bottle of wine. And then we went somewhere else for cocktails. He had like nine drinks that night. But, you know, I was willing to give it a pass. I was like, maybe he's nervous, you know. So anyway, okay. So then. Oh, but you know what? The red flag was not whatever. Like, it kept growing, growing, because he emailed me from his business trip being like, well, my liver's really, you know, my liver needs a break after these business trips. And then he was, like, spending every night at my friend's whiskey bar. And I was just thinking, oh, well, I still can ignore it, though. Okay. So then he gets back and he asked me out on a Wednesday. He asked me out for a Friday night. And so I was, you know, I was rehearsing this musical, and I hadn't heard from him all day on Friday. So I text him at 6pm Finally, I'm still at this rehearsal. I was like, hey, what's up for tonight? Well, I get a text back from him. Not a phone call, mind you. I get a text back and it said, busy with this work thing. Maybe I'll see you when you get back. From la. That was two months from now. Two months from now. So basically I got like, face plant. I was just so shocked that he just asked me out, but now he's blowing me off. And I felt like just like he'd asked me out movie style. And I was so excited I was getting blown off movie style. Now it was like that harsh. Like being stood up, basically, like I'd only seen in the movies. Now it was happening to me, and I was really upset about it, too. But now that I knew that we weren't really going to be dating and we weren't even making out, I was free to tell my friends about the other red flag. So when we were at this bar, he said that when he was traveling in Japan, he ate at this restaurant that only served horse meat. And I was kind of like, oh, horse meat. But he was like, no, it's the most delicious meat you'll ever try. He was just reveling in it. And I was thinking, like, that's not so good to tell a woman on your first date that you're really into horse meat. Because what if I was one of those girls who had the plastic horse statues growing up? I mean, I wasn't, but what if I was? It just seems like not a thing to really tell a woman, like, I'm really into horse meat. And then he said, I'm still reeling from that. And he said, have you ever wondered what it would be like to taste human flesh? And he didn't say it, like, how you might say, you know, some parlor game, like, would you rather walk 10 miles in the snow or eat human flesh? No, it was like he had given it some thought. Like he was like he was seeking out the opportunity somewhere. Maybe there was a restaurant somewhere in the world and just kind of like the phrase silence of the lambs popped into my head when he said that. And I was like, no. And he's like, really? Wouldn't you just be curious? And I said, no, because I would just be wondering, who is this? And how did they end up on my plate? But anyway, so then I thought, well, you know what? Maybe it's not that God doesn't want me to date. Maybe God sprung up my back so that I could avoid dating this guy, this alcoholic cannibal, for a whole year, wasting another year of my life on that. So I got on the plane to la, where I was going to go do this musical, and there I was rehearsing the musical, surrounded by gay men. I was back in my comfort zone. I thought I'd stay there for a while. Thank you.