Episode Summary: Sheri Holman: Rescue Mission

Podcast Title: The Moth
Host/Author: The Moth
Episode: Sheri Holman: Rescue Mission
Release Date: April 18, 2011

Introduction

In this poignant episode of The Moth, Sheri Holman recounts her transformative experience living in New York City in the late 1980s. Recorded live in 2008 during a storytelling night themed around "stories about men," Sheri's narrative delves deep into themes of love, addiction, and redemption, offering listeners an intimate look into her journey of self-discovery and the complexities of human relationships.

Moving to New York and Early Struggles

Sheri begins her story in 1988, a year marked by her move to New York City with limited resources—"$800 in my pocket and a box of books." Fueled by the ambition to become a Shakespearean actress, she shares the hardships of her early days:

“I moved to New York to suffer. And I moved here with this great ambition to be a Shakespearean actress.”
[02:30]

Living with two other women, Sheri highlights the fleeting nature of their relationships. While one roommate quickly left to reunite with a wealthy boyfriend, the other, an exotic Russian woman, found herself entangled with Alec Baldwin within just three weeks. In contrast, Sheri identifies herself as the "true artist" of the group, evident by the way she endures her struggles.

Her living conditions were stark:

“If you opened up my refrigerator, you would see that I had a bottle of champagne and a little tin of contraband caviar and a box of Pop Tarts, nothing else.”
[02:55]

Sheri's days were a cycle of auditions and rejections, juxtaposed with a disheartening job:

“I worked my job, which I'd somehow found for myself, which was with this really disreputable literary agent who paid me $5 to read these phone book sized manuscripts that I was directed to reject.”
[03:20]

Her only solace was immersed in literature, particularly Dostoevsky, whose works became her companion during lonely nights:

“I was reading Dostoevsky because, you know, he is the patron saint of all who suffer, and especially when you're 21, you really love it.”
[04:00]

Observing Patrick and the Rescue Mission

Sheri's routine included watching the men congregating at the nearby rescue mission, a structure emblazoned with messages:

“One side it said, get right with God, and on the other side it said, sin will find you out. And I loved it.”
[04:45]

Amidst the burgeoning HIV/AIDS crisis and the rise of crack cocaine, Sheri began documenting the lives of the men she observed daily. Her journal became a testament to their struggles, primarily featuring black and brown bodies facing societal neglect. However, one individual stood out—a young white man who seemed out of place among his peers:

“He was clean, and he had curly blond hair and big blue eyes. And he sort of seemed to be almost in charge.”
[06:00]

This man, later identified as Patrick, led groups to breakfast and religious services, piquing Sheri's curiosity. Despite her fascination, she refrained from introducing herself, choosing instead to idealize him from a distance.

Developing a Relationship

An evening of impulsivity led Sheri to attempt to connect with Patrick by throwing flowers from her fire escape:

“I pelted this man with flowers until finally he looked up. He's like, what the fuck is going on?”
[09:10]

Instead of the intended Patrick, she encountered another man who claimed the flowers, leaving her disappointed. However, fate intervened when Sheri locked herself out of her apartment, and Patrick approached to assist her:

“He introduced himself and he said his name was Patrick. And he described himself as a skeptical optimist.”
[13:00]

Inviting her to St. Vincent's House, a local rescue mission, Sheri stepped into a community she had long observed but never engaged with directly. This marked the beginning of her deepening involvement:

“There was this amazing service. ... I realized that I'd been going out to these auditions and getting rejected and coming home and rejecting would be novelist. And here I was sitting in this room full of sort of society's most rejected men. And for the first time, I felt really accepted.”
[15:30]

Challenges in the Relationship

As Sheri and Patrick's relationship blossomed, so did the complexities of their lives intertwined with addiction. Patrick's past was marred by substance abuse:

“He had come down from Canada with $8,000 of his business partner's money to be a record producer. And in one weekend he'd locked in a hotel room and he had smoked it all in crack.”
[17:00]

Despite their love, financial struggles and recurring drug use strained their relationship. Sheri's determination to "save" Patrick led to moments of tenderness and frustration alike. A significant turning point occurred when Patrick requested privacy to take showers, revealing deeper fissures in their trust:

“I looked at him, this man that I said I loved, with this complete, full self and this absolute trust. And I remembered that $8,000 worth of crack and where I had found him. And I said, I'm sorry, I can't.”
[19:10]

Patrick's harsh reaction underscored the precariousness of their bond, culminating in Sheri's desperate realization of the impact her love could have:

“I realized that my love was the only thing that stood between him and complete oblivion. And that if I just loved him a little bit harder and a little less selfishly, that I could save him.”
[25:40]

The Turning Point

In a moment of profound vulnerability, Sheri reached out to Patrick on the streets of Hell's Kitchen, offering him a chance to rebuild their lives together:

“I dropped to my knees in the middle of this Hell's Kitchen street and I said, I love you. I don't want you to die. Will you move in with me? And he did.”
[29:00]

Their attempt to live as a "normal couple" was fraught with challenges. Patrick's cycle of sobriety and relapse persisted, and their financial instability deepened. The arrival of their pregnancy added another layer of stress, pushing Sheri to confront the limits of her capacity to support Patrick:

“And so we went to the doctor. And the night after the operation, he went to bed.”
[35:20]

Feeling trapped and overwhelmed, Sheri faced a moment of crisis, contemplating her existence amidst the vastness of New York City:

“I sat down with my legs dangling over the edge of this five story building. And I thought about that woman with her Macy's price tags. And I thought, I'm not here to do that, but if I fall, would I stop myself?”
[39:45]

Rescue and Conclusion

As Sheri stood on the precipice of despair, the intervention of two police officers provided a lifeline:

“This voice repeated, it said, step away from the edge. And I turned and there were these two police officers standing in the doorway of this tenement.”
[42:30]

Their presence was a stark reminder of the fragile balance between rescue and loss. Reflecting on her earlier observations of Patrick and the men at St. Vincent's House, Sheri realized the universal need for human connection and support:

“In this city that lets you fall, people also stretch out a hand to help you back up. And that night I took it and I followed those police officers back inside.”
[46:00]

Sheri's story culminates in a profound understanding of her own limitations and the intricate web of relationships that define our lives. Her journey underscores the importance of empathy, the power of love, and the significance of being present for others in their darkest moments.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Sheri Holman at [02:30]:
  “I moved to New York to suffer. And I moved here with this great ambition to be a Shakespearean actress.”

• Sheri Holman at [04:45]:
  “One side it said, get right with God, and on the other side it said, sin will find you out. And I loved it.”

• Sheri Holman at [09:10]:
  “I pelted this man with flowers until finally he looked up. He's like, what the fuck is going on?”

• Sheri Holman at [13:00]:
  “He introduced himself and he said his name was Patrick. And he described himself as a skeptical optimist.”

• Sheri Holman at [19:10]:
  “I looked at him, this man that I said I loved, with this complete, full self and this absolute trust. And I remembered that $8,000 worth of crack and where I had found him. And I said, I'm sorry, I can't.”

• Sheri Holman at [25:40]:
  “I realized that my love was the only thing that stood between him and complete oblivion. And that if I just loved him a little bit harder and a little less selfishly, that I could save him.”

• Sheri Holman at [29:00]:
  “I dropped to my knees in the middle of this Hell's Kitchen street and I said, I love you. I don't want you to die. Will you move in with me? And he did.”

• Sheri Holman at [39:45]:
  “I sat down with my legs dangling over the edge of this five story building. And I thought about that woman with her Macy's price tags. And I thought, I'm not here to do that, but if I fall, would I stop myself?”

• Sheri Holman at [46:00]:
  “In this city that lets you fall, people also stretch out a hand to help you back up. And that night I took it and I followed those police officers back inside.”

Conclusion

Sheri Holman's Rescue Mission is a heartfelt exploration of love's capacity to heal and the often-painful journey toward self-awareness. Through her vivid storytelling, she invites listeners to reflect on the intersections of personal ambition, human connection, and the often-unseen battles that shape our lives.

Additional Information:

• Author Background: Sheri Holman is the author of four novels, including The Dress Lodger, The Mammoth Cheese, and Witches on the Road Tonight, praised by the New York Review of Books as "marvelously creepy, touching and tender." She is also a founding member of The Moth.

• Podcast Production: Produced by Paul Ruest at Argo Studios in New York and hosted by Dan Kennedy. The episode was recorded live at The Moth in 2008.

For more stories and live events by The Moth, visit themoth.org.