Starting Over: The Moth Radio Hour

Summary

---

The Moth Radio Hour: "Starting Over"

Date: January 13, 2026
Theme: Stories of Second Chances, Do-Overs, and Redemption

---

Episode Overview

This episode of The Moth Radio Hour explores the universal theme of starting over, featuring true, personal stories told live on stage by individuals who faced setbacks, fresh starts, and moments of redemption. Each storyteller navigates the intertwined paths of failure and resilience, demonstrating the power of vulnerability and change. From reinvention after bankruptcy to reconciling with loved ones after mental illness, these narratives offer humor, hope, heartbreak, and insight.

---

Key Stories & Insights

1. Leah Baruch: Reinventing Herself After Bankruptcy

[03:40 – 09:31]

• Setting the Scene: In 2006, at 26, Leah faces bankruptcy. Her car is repossessed, belongings sold, and she feels like she’s failed at adulthood.
• Fresh Start: Inspired by “Grey’s Anatomy,” Leah decides to become a doctor—a grand reinvention for a former theatre major.
• Hurdles: Without student loans, she enrolls at Evergreen State, a non-traditional, non-graded (and affordable) college.
• Literal & Figurative Fall: After being dumped by her boyfriend during a hike, Leah tries to prove herself by climbing a slippery rock, only to break her ankle and further derail her plan.
• Resilient Humor: “So I thought about it, and I concluded the new me should be a doctor, which felt like the opposite of a moron.” — Leah Baruch [03:54]
• Perseverance & Growth: Leah draws inspiration from the duality of “Grey’s Anatomy’s” Meredith Grey, deciding: “Maybe I too can be both a moron and a doctor, because women contain multitudes, right?” [07:44]
• Metaphor & Medical Success: She learns that, like broken bones, from personal disaster can come regeneration, and eventually does succeed in medical school.

Notable Quote:
“That's the thing about bones... when they break, there's all this great stuff inside that gets to come out and shine. ... Given enough time, [new bone] will be strong enough to bear your weight. And that's some of the stuff the new me learned about bones in medical school.”
— Leah Baruch [08:50]

---

2. Ron Hart: Facing Fears as a "Disguised" Parent

[10:27 – 15:26]

• Reflection on Parenting: Ron shares how parenthood still feels like a disguise—he’s winging it, wanting his daughters to inherit “fresh garbage” rather than his own anxieties.
• Overcoming Childhood Fears: Terrified of museums as a kid, Ron tries to help his daughters avoid the same fear.
• Disastrous Dinosaur Show: During a trip to the museum, a man in a dinosaur costume terrifies both kids, leading to trauma and chaos.
• Redemption Attempt: On a preschool field trip, Ron tries again, but chaos repeats as the dinosaur show results in mass toddler panic.
• Grace in Imperfection: Ron accepts that, while he failed to prevent his daughter’s fear, he was present:
  “Daddy, thank you for taking me and being there with me at the bad place.” — Ron’s daughter [15:09]

Notable Quote:
“The apple did fall close to the tree, but at least I was there to catch her.”
— Ron Hart [15:17]

---

3. Tejal Cartwright: Rekindling Childhood Dreams of Stardom

[19:54 – 23:53]

• Early Passion for Theatre: Tejal always felt destined to be a star, shining in school and community plays.
• Setback: At 17, she is devastated after being cast as “Girl in the Park #8” instead of a leading role—her confidence plummets and she quits theatre.
• Comeback: Years later, inspired by her son’s birth, Tejal bravely returns to the stage, again cast in an ensemble role (“Girl in the Bar #4” in “Dreamgirls”).
• Determination and Joy: This time, Tejal decides to give it her all, embracing her role, learning everyone’s parts, and shining on stage.
• Triumphant Night: On closing night, she steals the show in a sparkling purple dress.
  “A man came up to me and said, I was all the way in the back... You were amazing. You shined, you dazzled. ... And all I could hear was my little self: Told you you were a star.” — Tejal Cartwright [23:36]

---

4. Devin Sandiford: Telling Tough Truths to His Son’s Kindergarten Class

[24:26 – 30:49]

• Difficult Decision: Asked by his 5-year-old son to share a painful childhood story involving race and exclusion, Devin initially hesitates.
• Hiding the Pain: When telling the story to a kindergarten class, Devin omits the racial element, making it simply about not being “chased” in a playground game.
• Child’s Honesty: A classmate innocently raises the real question Devin tried to avoid, prompting a raw exchange:
  “It’s because he's Black.” — A classmate [27:45]
• Learning Opportunity: Later, he opts for honesty, shares the full story with a broader group of students, and opens the floor to questions.
• Unexpected Connection: The children respond with empathy, sharing their own experiences of exclusion, forging powerful human connections.
• Takeaway:
  “If we are brave enough to share the hard parts of our stories, that we can be connected with people around us like we never have been before.”
  — Devin Sandiford [30:36]

---

5. Ethan Sweetland May: Failing and Finding Wins with Grandpa

[33:16 – 39:49]

• Childhood Excitement: As the youngest of eleven, Ethan’s day with his grandparents—picking sugary cereal and anticipating learning to shoot with his hero-grandpa—is a rare luxury.
• Expectation vs. Reality: The shooting lesson is a disaster; Ethan is literally knocked flat and mortified in front of Grandpa’s tough friends.
• Second Chance: Fishing later that day, Grandpa nonchalantly gives Ethan a chance to redeem himself—helping him land a giant blue catfish, immortalized in a Polaroid.
• Love in Action:
  “By this little moment of smiling, my grandpa helped me get a win.” — Ethan Sweetland May [39:48]
• Legacy: After Grandpa’s death, Ethan is left the very shotgun from that fateful day—a symbol of family, forgiveness, and second tries.

---

6. Bridget Flaherty: Healing and Reconnecting with Her Son After Mental Illness

[41:12 – 54:32]

• Struggle with Depression: Bridget’s life unravels through divorce, postpartum depression, and eventual hospitalization after suicidal ideation.
• Maternal Guilt: Upon returning home, she faces her son Ian’s deep anger and confusion, leading to difficult, raw conversations about her mental illness.
• Efforts to Reconnect: Despite setbacks and her own fragile recovery, Bridget takes Ian on a cross-country road trip, rediscovering connection and joy—briefly.
• Lasting Effects: Ian’s need for emotional distance returns, manifesting in anger and shame, but eventually shifts to understanding after an honest conversation about Bridget’s struggles.
• Powerful Realization:
  “When the truth of what might have been really sunk in, the truth now rested on his shoulders, he understood completely how close he came to losing his mother.” — Bridget Flaherty [53:40]
• Conclusion: Today, Bridget and Ian have a strong, healthy relationship—something she almost missed entirely.

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Quote | Speaker | |-----------|--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|--------------------------| | 03:54 | “...the new me should be a doctor, which felt like the opposite of a moron.” | Leah Baruch | | 07:44 | “Maybe I too can be both a moron and a doctor because women contain multitudes, right?” | Leah Baruch | | 08:50 | “That's the thing about bones...when they break, there's all this great stuff inside that gets to come out and shine...” | Leah Baruch | | 15:17 | “The apple did fall close to the tree, but at least I was there to catch her.” | Ron Hart | | 23:36 | “All I could hear was my little self: Told you you were a star.” | Tejal Cartwright | | 27:45 | “It’s because he’s Black.” | Kindergarten classmate | | 30:36 | “If we are brave enough to share the hard parts of our stories, that we can be connected with the people around us like we never have been before.” | Devin Sandiford | | 39:48 | “By this little moment of smiling, my grandpa helped me get a win.” | Ethan Sweetland May | | 53:40 | “When the truth of what might have been really sunk in, the truth now rested on his shoulders, he understood completely how close he came to losing his mother.” | Bridget Flaherty |

---

Episode Structure & Timestamps

• [03:11] – Introduction: Jay Allison frames the hour’s theme of starting over
• [03:40] – Leah Baruch: Fresh starts after bankruptcy
• [10:27] – Ron Hart: Attempting to outdo inherited anxieties as a parent
• [19:54] – Tejal Cartwright: Returning to theatre after years away
• [24:26] – Devin Sandiford: Struggling and then embracing telling his whole story on race and exclusion
• [33:16] – Ethan Sweetland May: Failing (then winning) in the eyes of his grandpa
• [41:12] – Bridget Flaherty: Mother and son heal in the wake of mental illness

---

In the Words and Tone of the Storytellers

Laced with awkward humor and self-deprecation, the episode carries an undercurrent of hope and empathy. The stories are candid, often gritty, but ultimately life-affirming—proving that even after mistakes or moments of despair, there's a path to wholeness, to connection, and to something brand new.

---

Takeaways

• The journey to “starting over” is universal, messy, and often cyclical rather than linear.
• True resilience comes from vulnerability and persistence, even if the outcome isn’t what was originally planned.
• Connection—whether with children, parents, strangers, or oneself—thrives in spaces where honesty is allowed.
• Sometimes real redemption is simply showing up, sticking it out, and being willing to try again.

---

For more stories or to pitch your own, visit themoth.org.

---

Transcript

[Jay Allison]

We're celebrating 250 years of the American dream. Two and a half centuries of being tantalized by the possibility of possibility. We all have a version of it. The notion that where you begin has nothing to do with where you end up. That anything is possible. Run for office live. Off the grid. Hit a homer. Build robots.

[Announcer]

Teach goat yoga.

[Jay Allison]

Anything. This spring, the Moth Main Stage is traveling to cities around the country with stories of the American Dream. Does it even exist anymore?

[Announcer]

For who?

[Jay Allison]

What happens when that dream is dashed or deferred? And what happens when the dream is fulfilled? Let's come together and listen to people telling true personal stories of their very own. American Dreams. Experience the Moth Main Stage live. Find a city near [e-mail] MainStage.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Do you remember Blue Apron, the subscription meal service? Well, I have news. The new Blue Apron has just launched and they are totally subscription free. I love that I can order exactly what I want when I want with zero commitment. Blue Apron makes it easier to eat better without the stress of meal planning or defaulting to takeout. Every meal is chef designed and informed by nutrition with options that have up to 40 grams of protein and a strong focus on fiber. Everything comes pre processed portion so there's no guesswork on busy nights. Their new assemble and bake meals are a lifesaver. Five minutes of prep, one pan, I'm done. And when I truly have no time, Dish by Blue Apron Meals are ready to heat and eat in minutes. That's less time than it takes to listen to one episode of your favorite podcast. Same quality, way more convenient. Order [e-mail] get 50% off your first two orders plus free shipping with moth 50 terms and conditions apply. Visit blueapron.com terms for more information. There's new research on pleasure that's actually fascinating and the site OMG yes. Makes it accessible to everyone. OMG yes. Shares findings from the largest ever study into women's pleasure and intimacy. In partnership with researchers at Yale and Indiana University. They asked tens of thousands of couples what they wished they'd discovered sooner. They found the patterns in those discoveries. And all that wisdom about pleasure and intimacy is organized as hundreds of short videos, animations and how to's on omgyes.com and guess what? Half of OMG yes users are men. Hooray for generous lovers, right? You'll find specific research backed techniques. It's a science of sexual generosity in action. See what they discovered [e-mail] moth that's o m g y dashes.com moth.

[Jay Allison]

This is the Moth radio hour. I'm your host, Jay Allison. We may not be able to undo the past, but sometimes we get the opportunity for a second chance. In this hour, stories of do overs, fresh starts and redemption. Our first story comes from Leah Baruch. Leah told this at a moth grand slam in Portland, Oregon, where we partner with Oregon public Broadcasting. Here's Leah.

[Leah Baruch]

I have always believed in the power of a fresh start. And in the summer of 2006, I really needed that power. I had just filed for bankruptcy at the age of 26, having misunderstood maybe what it meant that women could have it all. I had defaulted on my student loans. My car had been repossessed. I had sold all of my belongings kind of by court order. And I really needed a new me who wasn't a moron. So I thought about it, and I concluded the new me should be a doctor, which felt like the opposite of a moron. And the second season of Grey's Anatomy had just come out. So it turns out you can't apply to medical school with a bachelor's degree in theater. So new me was gonna have to go back to undergrad. And the school needed to be cheap because I was not allowed to take out student loans. So I chose Evergreen State in Olympia. Go, go Ducks. Very affordable state school. Also known for the fact it doesn't give out grades. It's not a premier destination for pre med, if you could believe it. But I thought I could make it work. So I moved to Olympia. The only apartment I could afford there was like miles from campus. I didn't have a car, so I scrounged together a used bike to get around town. And I rolled up one pant leg and new me was officially here. There was this one holdover from old me, this drummer I'd been dating for a few years. Hold that thought. And just before school started, he invited me to go hiking. And he chose this trail that was like a steep, steep downhill, like into a ravine. And I do think he was looking for a metaphor with that because at the lowest point of the hike, he did break up with me. Had great timing, that drummer. So I was feeling some feelings in this moment. But I was also like, trying not to cry because I was like, ah, would a doctor like crying over this drummer? I don't know. So I'm standing there, like, definitely not crying. And I see over his shoulder there's this like rock formation. And it catches my eye. Cause it's kind of medium tall, but it looks very climbable. And I'm pretty sure doctors are into rock climbing. And so suddenly, so am I. And so before he can stop me, I am like, off to climb this rock. I am going to prove something to myself. I do not know what, but I just needed to climb. So I get going. I get seven, eight feet in the air, and I realize this rock is taller than I thought it was going to be. And it's wet. And then my feet just slip out from under me. I plummet to the ground. My right ankle cracks as I land. I hear it and I think, I'm not a doctor, but this is broken. And, like, the whole plan for the new me is also broken. Because I'm like, okay, how am I going to ride a bike to get to school with a broken ankle? And now that I think about this, if I even manage to get to the school, once I'm there, they're not going to give me any grades. Like, I'm never going to be a doctor. I'm only ever going to be a moron. And now a single moron. And it just kind of like spirals in my mind like that. And I end up just like weeping on the ground while the drummer just kind of like watches awkwardly.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

And.

[Leah Baruch]

Right there in that lowest moment of humiliation, I get a vision of Meredith Gray from Grey's Anatomy. And she is both groveling to McDreamy, going, Pick me, choose me, love me. And she's holding a bomb in some guy's abdominal cavity. Like, she's just steely eyed. She's doing what needs to be done. But also, she's so pathetic. But also she's such a badass. And I'm like, that's it. Maybe I too, I too can be both a moron and a doctor because women contain multitudes, right? So I had to crawl army style through the mud to get out of the ravine that day. It took hours because the drummer, not exactly Patrick Dempsey, not strong enough to lift me, we discovered. But I did get out and I did have to sell my bike to pay for bus fare. And I had to walk with a cane for quite a while, like a different TV doctor. But I just kept moving forward, broken ankle and all. And that's the thing about bones is when they break, there's all this great stuff inside that gets to come out and shine. It's like growth factors and stem cells and they surround the injury and they organize and they remodel and they create from that disaster a whole new bone. And the new bone, it's not stronger than the old bone that is a commonly believed myth, but given enough time, it will be strong enough to bear your weight. And that's some stuff the new me learned about bones in medical school.

[Jay Allison]

Leah Baruch is a family medicine and addiction medicine physician practicing in Oregon. A lifelong lover of music, she married a drummer, not the one from the story, taught herself to play guitar and is raising a pianist to round out their family band. Leah sent us a photo of her in the lab at Evergreen State quote, concocting a pre med student from the ashes of a former theater major. You can find [e-mail]. Ron Hart told our next story at an open mic story slam in Chicago where we're supported by public radio station WBEZ Live at the Moth. Here's Ron Hart.

[Ron Hart]

I have two daughters and I've been a father for a while, but it still feels like a disguise to me because inside I still feel like a kid pretending to be a parent. And I know I'm going to mess them up. I've already given up on that. But my goal is that I give them fresh garbage to deal with. I don't want to pass on what's in my head. It's bad enough they get my hair. I don't want what's inside my head going down on them. So you know the expression like, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I'm like, fly away, apples. Get away from this tree. So when I was a kid, I was terrified of museums. Museum of Science and Industry. I thought it was going to eat me, right? Freaked me out every time we went in there. So that was like, I was like, this is a thing I can give them that. I didn't have to not be afraid of museums. So my daughters were young. My oldest was three. The youngest was one. And I said to my wife, you got the day off today. Super dad's going to take the girls on a little adventure. I live in Los Angeles and we went to the Museum of Natural History. I'm going to show them museums are a fun place. And we're looking around, we're seeing the exhibits and we see that there's a show in the museum. It's about dinosaurs. I'm like, oh, girls, it's a show. Like, who doesn't love a show? Let's go to the show, go into this big room, it's got all these exhibits and this guy comes in with like a pith helmet and a vest. And, you know, he's putting on this, like, you know, low rent Indiana Jones act talking about archaeology or whatever. And in the back of the room, a door opens up and this guy comes in in a dinosaur disguise. And I can tell it's a disguise because I can see cargo shorts and Adidas. But my 3 year old sees 80,000 teeth and an eating machine. And my 1 year old doesn't know what she sees, but she just starts screaming and she grabs my neck so hard that I can barely breathe. And she's clutching down on me and the three year old comes in, grabs me, locking into her sister, and they're both screaming. I'm like, I gotta get out of here. But they've formed like a human bike chain and I can't literally stand up and I have to like run out like Quasimodo getting out of the room. We're back home, 45 minutes into my wife's day off, and I hand her two toddlers with ptsd. And if you're like my wife, you're thinking I'm a pretty horrible parent. But it actually gets much worse. A couple months later, my three year old, she's in preschool and they're having a field trip and they're looking for chaperones. I'm going to be a chaperone. We're going to the butterfly pavilion, which is next to the Museum of Natural History. Butterflies. That sounds like fun to me. We go, we look at the butterflies, all these three year olds, great time. We get out and the teacher says, boys and girls, we have extra time. We can go into the museum. I was like, oh, I don't think that sounds like a good idea. We're looking around the museum. Sure enough, the teacher says, boys and girls, they have a show about dinosaurs.

[Announcer]

Who doesn't love a show?

[Ron Hart]

I say to her, like, actually, I think it's a really bad idea. We tried it once and it was like. And she doesn't want to listen to me because she thinks I'm a parent. She doesn't realize I'm disguised as a parent, right? So she heads into the. Like she's got all these three year olds to worry about. She heads into this room. The other chaperone, Christy, comes, tries to go and get a seat. And like, no, Christie, you gotta stay here. We have to protect the door. She's like, I'm gonna sit down.

[Announcer]

No, no, Christy, stay right here. Catch these kids.

[Ron Hart]

She's like, what are you talking about? Trust me, just stay here. The show starts, pith helmet comes out, he's talking, and then Jurassic park enters. And it was like watching a jiffy Pop explode without the lid on. All these kids just start running at us. And I grab Ruthie and I got Max. I throw Naomi over my shoulder. We're grabbing kids and I see like, Jacob sees sunlight between us. He's running to the crease and they have to like kick save him over to Christy and we're like, I got.

[Announcer]

All these kids and we're like, let's go.

[Ron Hart]

And this is not slow motion. This is a 300 pound man running with 123 year olds on him. We get out of this room and then the teacher comes out and she goes, yeah, you were kind of right about that show. And we ride home on the bus. There was no bi ngo on that trip. Just dead silent. And we get home and I, like, I realize I've failed as a parent teaching my daughter not to be afraid of museums. And I'm tucking her in thinking, I'll see you in a few hours when the nightmares begin. And she looks at me and she says, daddy, thank you for taking me and being there with me at the bad place. And I realized, okay, the apple did fall close to the tree, but at least I was there to catch her.

[Jay Allison]

Ron Hart is a television writer living in Los Angeles. He told this story when he was visiting his family in his hometown of Chicago. Ron told us that his daughter Anina is currently at Sarah Lawrence College where she is studying art history and hopes to have a long career working in, believe it or not, museums. You can see a photo of Anina from the field trip before it erupted in [e-mail]. In a moment, a little girl believes she's destined to be a star. And a man withholds the full truth from a room of kindergarteners. When the Moth Radio Hour continues. The Moth Radio Hour is produced by Atlantic Public Media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Let's be honest, finding time to shop is basically impossible. Between work, family, and life in general, your wardrobe tends to take a back seat. That's why I love DailyLook. DailyLook is the number one highest rated premium personal styling service for women. And it's like having a personal stylist who actually understands your life. You get a real stylist, not an algorithm who curates a box of up to 12 premium pieces just for you. It's delivered right to your door. So you try everything in your own home, keep what you love and return the rest. Free shipping both ways. Boxes can arrive every 30, 60 or 90 days, so it's totally flexible. Your real stylist works hard for you. Between work outfits, weekend errands and random last minute plans. Your stylist knows exactly what you need and will save you time and effort. And honestly, it's just fun to get a little surprise in the mail that makes you feel confident and stylish, isn't it? Take your style [e-mail] and use code MOTH to get 50% off your first styling fee. My 2026 resolutions aren't about doing the most, they're about finding joy in my everyday. That's why I love my Bombas. The all new sport socks are designed with sport specific comfort for everything from running to skiing. I'm telling you they are perfect. They're supportive, sweat wicking and cushioned exactly where I need it. I am so into anything that brings joy to my winter running and for joy in my slower days, my feet get a treat in the Sherpa Sunday slippers. They are truly like walking clouds. And underneath it all, Bombas underwear and T shirts are soft, breathable and flexible enough that I forget I'm even wearing them. Bombas also has an incredible mission. For every item purchased, an essential clothing item is donated to someone facing housing insecurity. Comfort that gives back just feels right. Head over to bombas.com moth and use code moth for 20% off your first purchase. That's B O-M-B-A-S.com moth code moth@ checkout the holidays are behind us and school routines are back. Now is the time to help your kids start the new semester strong. IXL helps students refresh what they learned in the fall so they head into the new year feeling confident and prepared with new units and new goals. IXL is the simplest way to build better habits and stay on top of lessons without the stress. As teachers dive into new material, kids can practice those exact same skills at home to make sure the lessons really stick. IXL is an award winning platform covering math, language arts, science and social studies for Pre K through 12th grade. It's personalized, interactive and actually fun. Keep your kids motivated for the second half of the year at ixl.com don't miss out. One in four students in the US are learning with IXL. IXL is used in 96 of the top 100 school districts in the US make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now and listeners can get an exclusive 20% off IXL membership when they sign up today at ixllearning.com audio visit ixllearning.com audio to get the most effective learning program out There at the best price.

[Jay Allison]

This is the Moth radio Hour. I'm Jay Allison. Our next story of having another go was told by Tejal Cartwright. Tejal told this at a story slam in Detroit live at the Moth. Here's Tejal Cartwright.

[Tejal Cartwright]

Now. Little me always knew I'd be a star in the theater world. I went from doing plays during resurrection Sunday at my church screaming crucify him in the background, to being the lead character in my school play as Daisy in Daisy and the Seven Homies, which was a rendition of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Inner city school, y'.

[Bridget Flaherty]

All. Inner city school.

[Tejal Cartwright]

So I just felt it. I was so in love with it. I felt like a star. And over time, I was in community plays and my church plays, and I felt like I was on top until I was 17 years old and tried out for the Muse Machine singing in the Rain. And that really blew me. I tried out, and I got Girl in the park number eight. Yes. Thank. Oh, I love that.

[Bridget Flaherty]

Thank you.

[Tejal Cartwright]

So it really killed my ego and my self esteem, and my star kind of dimmed a little bit. And after that, I decided to never be in theater again. Yes. So I went to school, got a real job, and lived my life until about 10 years later, I had my son. And his birth really inspired me to get back into theater. Now that's another story.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Yes.

[Tejal Cartwright]

Thank you. Thank you. And so my first play back on the stage was the community play, and it was Dreamgirls.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Yes.

[Tejal Cartwright]

So I decided that I was gonna get the role of Dina. Okay. I had saw Beyonce in Dreamgirls. Bear with me, y'.

[Announcer]

All.

[Tejal Cartwright]

I'm a little young. So that's the dream girls that I was raised with. And so I auditioned, I sang Amazing Maisie, and I also did a monologue about hats. The playlist. I mean, the list, the chosen people went up, and I was girl in the bar number four.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Yes.

[Tejal Cartwright]

But I wasn't discouraged this time because I had already learned my lesson about quitting things. Ten long years had went by, and so I was like, I'm gonna stick this through. I'm gonna learn. And even though I'm not dena, I'm gonna play the shit out of Girl in the Bar number four. So I went to practice for about two months. We practiced five days out the week for four hours a day. I went to work, went home, took care of my kid and fed him. And then I went off to my play practices. I learned the words, I learned everyone's lines just in case they needed me, you know, I Was going to stay ready. And it came time to perform. Weeks went by, and I had so much fun. And the last night, I actually lost my outfit. And so they found an outfit for me. And this dress was purple. It flowed so beautifully. It had rhinestones in every single inch of it. And I felt like a star. Now, this was the last night of dreamgirls, so I was gonna give it my all. And so as girl at the bar number four, I gave that dance everything that I could, and I sang the song with my soul. And I just shined through this role because I was proud of myself. I didn't quit y', all. And I wasn't dena, but I was behind dena, so that was enough for me. Yes. So I gave him my all, and it was the end. I was proud of myself, and I went to go collect my flowers. I was pretty used to that by then. And this man came up to me and he said, I was all the way in the back. I saw you. You were amazing. You shined, you dazzled. You were amazing. I had to know who was that girl? And all I could hear was my little self. Told you you were a star. Thank you.

[Jay Allison]

Tejal Cartwright is a storyteller, entrepreneur, and media personality based in Dayton, ohio. As the founder of lore storytelling, she helps people turn real life experiences into stories that spark community change. Next up is Devin Sandiford. Devin told this story at a New York City grand slam where wnyc is a media partner of the moth. Here's Devin.

[Devin Sandiford]

A few years ago, I was sitting in the front of a kindergarten classroom with 26 little eyes staring up at me, and I was so nervous. I was supposed to be telling a personal story in my son's kindergarten class. And initially I had been super excited. But then I had made the mistake of asking my 5 year old son what story he wanted me to tell. Immediately, he had a response. He said, the kissing game story. And it sounds like it might be cute, especially coming from a five year old who's got like this beige skin who looks like John legend, But it wasn't cute at all. I was so nervous because this story had the most vulnerability that I ever had to give, had race in it. I initially told him, I'm not telling that story. But over a week, he just hung his head, hung his shoulders and gave me the disappointed look. And finally I just gave in. I said, you know what? I'll tell the story. Forget it. And so as I was walking and I got into his classroom, I saw the eyes staring at me. And I kind of decided that, like, I'll tell this story, but I'm going to make some adjustments. So I sit at the front. The teacher allows my son to sit next to me. I start going into this story. It's the moment I actually first knew about race. I was in first grade. I was six years old. The kids in my class would play this game, cooties. And the girls would chase after the boys. The girls would chase after the boys all over the schoolyard. And then they would find them on the backside where the drinking fountains were, and they'd kiss all over them. And I thought this was the greatest game ever. But it took me a while to realize that none of the girls were chasing me or trying to catch me. And as one of two black kids in the class, I would find out that the girls were actually afraid to touch me. And as I was in my son's class, I decided as I tell this story that I would just make it a fun game. I would make it a fun game story. I'd tell them about the lunch tables we run through past the recess yard on the backside. But when I got to the part about race and about feeling so alone, I just pulled that part out of the story. And I was like, I made it through. That wasn't so bad. But then when I looked over the teacher, the teacher opened the floor for questions. The first two questions I'll never be able to remember, but the third question, I'll never be able to forget. This little beige girl in the middle of the classroom raised her hand and she said, why didn't the girls want to kiss you like the rest of the boys? And I was like, that is a really good question. And I looked over to the teacher, hoping she would give me one of Those magic, like, 1, 2, 3, just get through this conversation type of things. But she didn't. She just stared back at me. And I knew it was on me to do this. And as I was thinking of an answer that I could give, I heard a voice from the back of the room. And it's because he's black. And I looked over, and it was this little half Asian, half white kid. And he had no meanness in it all. No malicious. He just. It was an objective truth that he knew. And I was like, yeah, I should have known that somebody knew this. And so I explained to the class that, yeah, I didn't go to a school like yours, that I was one of two black kids in the class. And we didn't talk about Diversity or inclusion or any of that. And as we got through the conversation, I looked back over to the teacher, and now she gave me the nod that I was done. So I get up and I hug my son. And as I hug my son, I start walking into the hallway, and it starts to land on me that my son had heard that story many times before. And I started to feel really disappointed in myself, because by pulling out the race, out of the story, I was pulling apart one part of the story, our identity, out of the story. And as I walked home, the weight of just, like, disappointing my son, disappointing myself, just grew more and more until it was the only thing I could think about. And so later that week, I came back into the school. I was actually teaching a personal storytelling workshop to the kids from kindergarten to fifth grade. And I found the principal in the hallway, and I asked her, would it be okay if I share this story? I want to be able to just share the full story. And she looked at me and she said, absolutely. We never withhold the truth from the kids. And those words were, like, such a surprise to me because that's all I had ever known. And as I was getting ready to walk away, she was like, but just if you can, just make sure you allow them to ask questions at the end. And I was like, the questions again, My goodness. But I was like, you know what? I can do that. So I walked into the art room where we were having the personal storytelling workshop that I was teaching. I started grabbing the stools and setting them up in a semicircle. And as the kids walked in with their backpacks, I let them know that I was going to be sharing one of my personal stories with them. And as soon as they all got there and sat down, I launched into my story. And all of them are staring up at me again. But this time, I gave the entire story. I talked about the details of the table, the scenery of the playground, the race, me being one of the black kids and the girls not kissing me, and how alone it felt to be standing there on the playground all by myself. And as I got to the end of the story, tears started to fill into my eyes, and I thanked the kids for listening. And then I had to open the floor up to questions. And as soon as I did, a bunch of hands shot up, and I scanned the room. And I picked this little second grader in the first row, this little white boy who had short haircut on one side and long flowing hair on the other. And he put it out in his hand and he said, you know what I hear in that story? I hear a lot of pain.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

And.

[Devin Sandiford]

It reminds me of the time. And then he went into a story about a time when he was playing with some friends and they had excluded him for a completely different reason. And as he's going through the story, tears are coming into my eyes again because I feel like I'm more connected with this kid than I've ever been connected with anyone in my life. And as he finishes his story, one by one, the rest of the kids who had their hands up, they each shared stories of being excluded from groups. And it's just this, like, warmest feeling that I had ever felt. And by the time we got to the last story of the people who had raised their hands, we actually didn't have any time left for the lesson plan at all. But I was okay with that because I knew that I didn't need to teach those kids anything about storytelling that day. They had actually taught me that if we are brave enough to share the hard parts of our stories, that we can be connected with the people around us like we never have been before. Thank you.

[Jay Allison]

Devin Sandiford is a Caribbean American writer, storyteller, and community catalyst. His reflections on identity, masculinity, partnership, storytelling, and tender hearted parenting have appeared across lots of media outlets. Devin tells us, I'm still a strong believer in being vulnerable and having tough conversations with kids, especially when we can find age appropriate ways to give them space to talk about what's already on their minds. Just because we don't name something heavy doesn't mean it's not a burden they feel. In a moment, a boy tries to impress his grandpa and a mother tries to repair a relationship with her son. When the Moth Radio Hour continues. The Moth Radio Hour is produced by Atlantic Public Media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts. Hey, Sal.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Hank.

[Announcer]

What's going on?

[Ron Hart]

We haven't worked a case in years.

[Announcer]

I just bought my car at Carvana.

[Jay Allison]

And it was so easy.

[Announcer]

Too easy.

[Ron Hart]

Think something's up?

[Jay Allison]

You tell me.

[Announcer]

They got thousands of options, found a.

[Jay Allison]

Great car at a great price, and.

[Announcer]

It got delivered the next day.

[Ron Hart]

It sounds like Carvana just makes it.

[Announcer]

Easy to buy your car, Hank. Yeah, you're right. Case closed.

[Bridget Flaherty]

Buy your car today on Carvana. Delivery fees may apply.

[Announcer]

Well, the holidays have come and gone once again, but if you've forgotten to get that special someone in your life a gift. Well, Mint Mobile is extending their holiday offer of half off on limited wireless. So here's the idea. You get it now. You call it an early present for next year.

[Ron Hart]

What do you have to lose?

[Announcer]

Give it a [e-mail] Switch limited time.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

50% off regular price for new customers. Upfront payment required $45 for three months, $90 for six month or $180 for 12 month plan taxes and fees. Extra speeds may slow after 50 gigabytes per month when network is busy.

[Bridget Flaherty]

See terms.

[Jay Allison]

You're listening to the Moth Radio Hour. I'm Jay Allison and in this show we're hearing stories of opportunities for redemption. Ethan Sweetland may told our next story in Louisville where we partner with wfpl, the Louisville public media station. Here's Ethan live at the mall.

[Announcer]

Just a little bit.

[Bridget Flaherty]

Just a little bit.

[Announcer]

So the only reason why 8 year old me would be in the cereal aisle at 5pm on a Friday night and jazzed out of my mind cause I'm about to have a weekend with grandma and grandpa. Now you understand being the fourth born of 11 kids getting to pick your own cereal. And not only your own cereal, but a sugar cereal. When your mom is like a granola and natural peanut butter and the five gallon bucket that you have to mix with like a drill. Every time I did a sleepover at grandma and grandpa's, I got to pick my own cereal. And it could be anything and we didn't have to tell mom. And so I was in the checkout with grandma and I had my frosted flakes and that would have been enough. The fact that I was going to wake up in the morning on the couch in their den and I was going to turn on the TV and I could watch. I had TV and I was going to watch cartoons and I could watch cartoons and all of that was great. That was expected. But that Saturday, my grandfather, my grandfather was going to teach me how to shoot. My grandfather was a golden gloves boxer. He was a race car driver, a professional race car driver. His front in his garage. He had one of the old like no roll cage. Everyone died. But the guy that won like race cars, he was a hunter. He had three deer heads in his house, like mounted on the walls. They lived on a lake. And he was a fisherman and he could do everything. And he was gonna teach me how to shoot. And I was pumped. I woke up early. I ate the whole box of cereal. I was ready when he came down the stairs and I watched him drink coffee out of the percolator. And we went to one of his friend's house and my grandpa's friends are all people like him. They're all like 40 year retirees of plumbers and steam fitters. They drive trucks, but not douchey ones. Like, they are, like, they are like the salt of the earth. We farmed and worked and we have, you know, hemorrhoids and we don't brag, like. And I was the only kid there. I was like 8 years old, and I'm jazzed on sugar. And I am so nervous as he puts the actual shotgun into my hands. And, I mean, I watched Red Dawn. I've got the basic idea, you know, I saw Patrick Swayze do it. And so I think I'm doing it right as I kneel down and I hold it about an inch in front of my shoulder and I'm kind of looking down. And when I shoot, it knocks me all the way over onto my back. The gun goes across the gravel. His friends all duck. And I burst into tears and run to his truck. And after about 20 minutes, he comes and gets in without saying a word. And he was like, that's okay. It's like that sometimes. And we drove back to his house. And I was devastated. I was so let down. It was like a moment to shine with, like, grandpa. And so I did what the only thing left to do in the afternoon. I went down to the lake on the little dock and I was fishing. And I was okay at fishing for bluegill. I've got a cane pole and I'm fishing for bluegill. And grandpa's mowing the grass. And I'm just like, like simp, like sad. And like I, you know, like, I'm just like, I blew this moment with my grandpa. And out of nowhere, I hear the lawnmower stop. And he comes down onto the deck and he says, hey, catch me one of those bluegill. And I'm like, oh, here's this dough ball. I put it on the hook and like, you know, five seconds flat, I can catch a bluegill. I'm eight years old. I'm good at this. And he pulls out this case and he sets it down and he unzips it. And he pulls out a knife, this big long knife with a heavy black handle. And I'm standing there holding the bluegill, not totally sure what's about to happen. And he takes the bluegill from me and he sets it down. And I'm like, I catch a bluegill. Bluegill's back in the water. I'll probably catch him later. We're like, basically playing tag. And he puts the bluegill on the deck and he goes, wham. And it's Just blood. And it's a dead bluegill. And I didn't scream, but I almost screamed. And he starts cutting it into strips. Just doesn't sit, just cuts it into strips like a crazy person. And he cuts it into cubes. And he starts and he puts a big cube of it on my cane pole. And he makes it way deeper than I ever do. And he drops it into the water. And he says, come get me as I'm sitting there holding this. And I like, no bluegill are coming for their buddy. And I'm just watching it, not totally sure what's about to happen. And after about 15 minutes, I see these big dark shadows coming down the inlet. And like these blue cats, these blue catfish know what's up. They know what's up. Cause they've been doing this with my grandpa for decades probably. And they comes right up to the dock and like one eye floats out of the water, I swear to God. And looks at me and he's like. And goes back down. And I am shaking and the lawnmower is running. And I'm like, just keep going, buddy. I don't even. Don't stop for me. And he goes down the inlet and for a minute I think I'm safe. And he doubles back. And I just watch him go down into the moss. And for like three seconds nothing happens. And then, woo. And it goes. And I am like, I'm tall now. I was not that big. And he's like pulling me to the edge of the deck and I am screaming for my grandfather. I'm like, nippa, Nippa. And he doesn't hear me. And I am locked into a fight with Moby Dick. And he's like, for revenge. And my palms are sweating. This little cane pole is bent in half and sliding out of my hands. And I'm just like, I can't lose. If I lose this pole, I will have to run away. I will have to get in this boat and go down the end to somebody else and find a new grandparents. And at last I hear the lawnmower stop. And I'm like, grandpa, Grandpa. He comes down and he takes the pole from me. And just like old man strength wrenches this, like, blue cat in and pulls it up out of the water. And he's like, here, take this. And I'm like. I put my hand where his hand is and I get it on the lip and I'm holding it and he's like. And he steps back and reaches the black bag. He's got a little Polaroid camera little black bag and he's like, hold that up. I'm holding it up and a smile for him. And he takes a picture and I have this picture, this blue cat about as long as my torso and you can see just this part of my smile. And that's the only thing I really have to remember that day. By this little moment of smiling, my grandpa helped me get a win.

[Bridget Flaherty]

Thank you.

[Jay Allison]

That was Ethan Sweetland May Ethan has been telling stories since he was big enough to stand on a piano bench and pretend it was a stage. He's currently running for state senate in his home state of Indiana because he believes that our stories have the power to unite our communities and make the world a better place. When Ethan's grandfather passed away in 2008, he left Ethan the very 12 gauge shotgun that knocked him to the ground all those years ago. As for what he'd like to give his own grandchildren in the future, Ethan says, I hope I can show a grandchild the basics of baiting a cane fishing pole one day. Our last story in this hour is from Bridget Flaherty. Bridget told this in New London, Connecticut, where we partnered with the Guard Art Center. A note that this story discusses mental health, including self harm and suicidal ideation. Live from the Moth, here's Bridget Flaherty.

[Bridget Flaherty]

It was a cold and snowy mid January day in 2016 and I was driving home after spending eight weeks in a mental health facility in Bowling Green, Kentucky. Driving the six hours home to Dayton, Ohio, I was feeling a mix of excitement and uncertainty. I was excited to see my children because two months was the longest I had ever been away from them. My daughter, who was 19, had been able to come and visit and exchange letters, but I had only been able to speak to my son once a week on Sundays for 10 minutes and I missed him. Ian was my little man. I was so excited when he came into the world that I put my IT career on hold for two years in order to stay home with him. However, lurking in the shadow was a deepening mental illness. Depression had been my constant companion since I was a teenager, and shortly after his birth I was diagnosed with severe postpartum depression and put on medication. When he was 4, his father and I got divorced and shortly after I got remarried. I wanted to make sure that Ian felt seen and special, so every Saturday I would take him out to breakfast, just the two of us. He got my undivided attention for his bedtime routine and it created special moments for us, like going to see the Cincinnati Reds play and spending the Entire day together. After seven years on the antidepressants, my psychiatrist helped me to slowly wean off of the pills with significant and sometimes debilitating side effects. I thought that I was better and so did everyone in my life. But the truth was the underlying issues had not been addressed. So when it became clear that my second marriage was coming to an end, the feelings of shame and utter failure were so thick that I could not imagine any way that I would survive. When I got to the point that I was cutting my skin in the bathroom on breaks between business meetings, I knew that I was not okay. I convinced myself that everyone, including my son, would be better off without me in this world. One night I sat in my car with a loaded 9 millimeter handgun and I imagined that no one would find my body until the morning. That night, I beat the demons in my mind and I went home and I played the part of a loving mother. I had gotten really good at masking my pain, but I fantasized about leaving life constantly. About two months later, I confided in my sister that today was the day I told her about my plan to end my life while Ian was at his father's house and she begged me to get help. After hours on the phone with her, I agreed. In treatment, I learned about the depth of my core wounds and the extent of my trauma. I was told that I had complex PTSD and severe depressive disorder. I was treated with love and understanding by the staff. I was given tools and support. And now I was returning home with a plan for continued follow up treatment. The day after I got back, I went to pick up Ian at his father's house after school. I was excited to see him, but I also felt unsure. Ian didn't bounce down the steps to greet me like he normally did. Instead, he walked towards me with a face that I couldn't read. He was silent as we got into the car. Good to see you, Bud. Got no response. After a pause that felt like forever, he asked, were you as bad as Robin Williams? I wasn't prepared for that question. I wasn't sure what his father had told him, but I hadn't prepared myself to answer questions about my mental health right away. And so I said, well, Bud, that's why I went to get help. Did you even think about me? Did you even think about how I would feel? His angry response hit me so hard that it took everything in me not to cry. I'm sorry, Bud. He crossed his arms and when we got home, he went into his room and he shut the door. I went outside and called a friend who had been in treatment with me. Bawling. I told her what happened and asked for advice. She told me that I was doing great, but I didn't feel like I was doing great. I felt terrible. Ian's anger didn't subside. He was silent on the way to basketball practice that night. When I tried to ask about friends or about school, he said, well, you would know if you had been here. Other than my daughter, who was an adult and better able to understand, there was no one else in my life that I really cared about reconnecting with. I had already quit my job. I was separated from my soon to be ex husband. I really didn't have any friends. The only thing that I wanted other than my sanity was my little man back. So when about two weeks later, he told me that he wanted to spend more time at his dad's house and less time with me, it stung. He said that his dad's house felt like home base. So his father and I moved to a standard visitation model where I took Ian every other weekend and one night a week for dinner. I was in intensive outpatient treatment, including 12 step meetings every day and one on one therapy three times a week. Healing my mental trauma had to be number one priority if I was going to survive. But I also was determined to be there for Ian. I went to his basketball games and the screaming coaches triggered me. So I brought crochet projects so that I could support him in spite of my fragile state. On weekends, I spent every minute with him. Sometimes things went smoothly and sometimes Ian's anger triggered me. And it took everything in me not to respond. One day, shortly after selling my house and most of my belongings, I had an idea. School was almost out. So I asked Ian if he could go anywhere in the continental United States, where would he go? And without hesitation, he said, the top of the Space Needle in Seattle. And with that, an epic journey was born. I packed the rest of my belongings into my Hyundai Elantra and the two of us took off for the road trip of a lifetime. From Ohio, we went to Atlanta to visit his sister. From Georgia, we headed towards the Gulf. When I got to Mississippi, I got off the highway so that we could drive along the beach. As soon as we saw the Gulf of Mexico, I pulled over the car and both of us ran towards the waves. We were laughing and squealing and splashing. The sun was shining on us. The beach was empty. It was glorious. And it was a start. Ian and I Hiked the Grand Canyon, body surfed in the Pacific Ocean and made a last minute stop and Crater Lake, where Ian jumped off of a cliff into the nearly freezing water. I, however, was terrified. But he kept encouraging me, you can do it, Mom. So eventually I jumped. By the time we reached the Space Needle in Seattle, Ian and I were really connecting again. Especially on those long drives where we had plenty of time to talk and it felt really good. We got back to Dayton shortly before school started and I dropped him off at his father's house. And shortly after, his anger returned. I was now homeless, staying with friends and family, and when I told Ian that I had applied for assistance in order to buy us groceries, he told me that I was embarrassing. He demanded that I take him back to his father's house and he refused to eat the food that I had purchased. One day, his school sent home an email informing the parents that the following day there was going to be an assembly at school to teach the kids about the warning signs of suicide and their friends and family and how to help them. As soon as I read the email, I knew that Ian could not go to school without a conversation. So that night I brought up the topic and the assembly and I asked Ian how he felt about it. He started to ask questions, the ones we hadn't talked about, like, why did I go to treatment? What was the last straw? What would have happened if I hadn't gone? Why couldn't I go back to work? Was I better now? None of the questions surprised me, but his tone was different. Instead of angry, he was curious. But answering the questions was still hard. I wanted to be honest, but explaining suicide to a 12 year old isn't easy. At one point, he asked if he could call his father and he went in the other room. He didn't normally call his father when he was with me, so I wasn't sure why he wanted to call him now. I nervously paced the kitchen until he came out and I saw that he was crying. He came over and he gave me a big hug and he said, mom, I'm really glad you're here. I immediately started to cry too, and I hugged him hard and I said, me too, bud. I wasn't expecting this, but even more, I wasn't expecting how I felt about it. For so long, I had wanted Ian's anger to subside. I wanted to connect with my son. But this moment didn't feel the way that I thought it would feel. Instead of relieved, I felt sad. What I realized was that Ian's anger was so much easier to handle than his understanding. You see, when he was angry with me, he could offload the reality by making his pain my pain. It was my fault. I had ruined his life. But when the truth of what might have been really sunk in, the truth now rested on his shoulders, he understood completely how close he came to losing his mother. And watching that truth sink in was hard to bear. There was no longer a shield to protect him from the truth. Ian didn't go to school the next day. Instead, we spent the day together. We went out for breakfast, just the two of us, and we tossed a football in the park. And with that day, our healing truly began. Today, ian is an 18 year old young man. He's a college freshman who graduated high school with a 4.6 GPA and a college essay about that whirlwind trip we took across the country. And I almost missed it. All of it. Varsity sports, awards, vacations, laughter, first love, first heartbreak, broken bones and birthdays. Seven years of a healing, healthy relationship that I am so incredibly grateful for.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Thank you.

[Jay Allison]

Bridget Flaherty is a storyteller and writer from Dayton, Ohio. She's writing a book comparing the rules of poker to the rules of patriarchy, unpacking power, risk, and the human desire for connection. At the time of this recording, Ian is a senior in college, set to graduate with a dual major in finance and supply chain. Bridget tells us that over the past three years he has chosen to understand, unpack the challenges of his youth and heal the wounds created by his parents dysfunction. Today, she says, Ian is a vibrant young man, wise beyond his years and she could not be more proud of the person he has chosen to become. You can see photos from Bridget Nehan's road trip at our website themoth.org that's it for this episode of the Moth Radio app. We hope you'll join us next time. And that's the story from the Moth. This episode of the Moth Radio Hour was hosted and produced by me, Jay Allison. Co Producer is Vicki Merrick, Associate Producer Emily Couch. The stories were directed by Larry Rosenberg with additional grand slam coaching by Jennifer Hickson and Chloe Salmon. The Moths leadership team includes Sarah Haberman, Christina Norman, Marina Cluce, Sarah Austin, Jenness, Jordan Cardinale, Caledonia Cairns, Kate Tellers, Suzanne Rust, Sarah Jane Johnson and Patricia Urenia. Moth stories are true, as remembered and affirmed by the Storytellers. Our theme music is by the Drift. Other music in this hour from Sapp Blue Dot Sessions, me and my friends John Schofield and Dave Holland Stellwagen Symphonette and Diwali and Philippe Budeau. The Moth Radio Hour is produced by Atlantic Public Media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts. Special thanks to our friends at audacy, including Executive Producer Leah Rhys Dennis. For more about our podcast, for information on pitching us your own story and to learn all about the Moth, go to our website themoth.org.

[Announcer]

Ever listened to the Moth and thought I have a story to tell? We'd love to hear it. The Moth pitchline is your chance to share a 2 minute pitch of your true personal story. Record it right on our [e-mail] or call 877-799-MOTH. That's 877-6684. Here's the thing, we listen to every single pitch.

[Devin Sandiford]

Your story could end up on our.

[Announcer]

Podcast, our stage or inspiring someone who needs to hear it. Share your [e-mail] or call 877-799-moth everyone has a story worth telling. Tell us yours.

[Jay Allison]

If you're the purchasing manager at a manufacturing plant, you know having a trusted partner makes all the difference. That's why hands down, you count on Grainger for auto reordering. With on time restocks, your team will have the cut resistant gloves they need at the start of their shift and you can end your day knowing they've got safety well in hand. Call 1-800-GRAINGER clickgrainger.com or just stop by Grainger for the ones who get it done.