Dan Kennedy (3:14)

The story you're about to hear by Steve Zimmer was recorded live at the Moth main stage in March this year. The theme of the night was put to the stories of fiery trials and minor tribulations.

Steve Zimmer (3:31)

Three years ago, I'm on the subway and I see a sign from New York Teaching Fellows. It says, you remember your first grade teacher's name. Who will remember yours? Normally I like judgmental signs, but this one almost seems kind of mean. But it's relevant to me because I've been asked to speak to a class of kindergarteners. The request came from one of the kindergartners. His name is John and he's my girlfriend Lori's son. When you date someone with kids, sometimes you feel like a second class citizen in their family. But even though John's father lives in New York, he and I really connect and he looks up to me. Sometimes when we're out, people say something like, your daddy should dress you warmer, or you should tell your daddy that shoving won't make the line go any faster. But John never tells them that I'm not actually his dad. He's a cool kid and a relationship's very important to me, but it's also the source of a lot of anxiety because I feel like I have to be twice as good as his real dad. I share these feelings with his mom, Lori, and she says it's not a competition. So I'm like, well, either she's kidding or trying to start a fight. But then I'm like, no, no, you're right, it's not a competition. So John's kindergarten class at the Manhattan New School has this thing where an interesting adult they know comes to the class and tells them about what they do. John picks me and I'm a computer programmer, which kids find fairly interesting if they're nine and it's the 1970s. But Laurie says, well, you don't have to talk about your job. You can just tell them about glass making. Glass making used to be a big hobby of mine, and I still have a small kiln in New York. So I figure I'll show them how to do fusing, which is where you. It's like glass blowing in that. You cut up the glass and then melt it together to form a molten shard. But then instead of filling it with air, you manipulate it with tools or gravity. I figure we can make something for the classroom, like an ashtray or a votive. Laurie says, sounds great. Just don't burn down my kid's school. And Laurie feels I have responsibility issues. Fortunately, she expresses them in a supportive manner. So I really want this to go well. So I show up there, and there's about 20 kids in the class. And they give me a little ovation. And John's like, woo. Woo. I'm like, yeah. And it's a cute classroom. There's a long wooden shelf in the back, and there's this big terrarium, and it holds these two little green lizards named Molly and Desmond. John himself picked out the names from the Beatles Au Bla di song. Laurie, who plays the guitar, had turned him onto it. And so I get all my tools laid out, and I notice that I'm missing my thermal gloves. So Eve, the teacher, says, oh, I'm sure I can get a pair out of the lab in the middle school. And she runs off. And I continue setting up. I set the kiln to reach 1700 degrees in 12 minutes, and the lights start flickering. Now, in this situation, you should turn the kiln off immediately. But I don't want to look stupid, so I let it run. And two minutes later, the lights go out. And for some reason, the shades are drawn, so the room is completely black except for the orange glow of the kiln. So I hear the kids right away start chattering, and I hear a chair scrape. And I'm worried they're going to walk around and someone's going to bump into the kiln. And so I say, everyone, sit down and be quiet. So that works. And I say, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to shout. Don't worry, the lights will come on soon. Everything's going to be okay. And then I realize when the power comes on, I don't want my kiln plugged in. So, you know. But in the dark, I can't quite see the outlet, so I'm kind of following the cord back, and I start pulling on it, and it's really resisting. And finally it gives really sharply, and a huge glass thing shatters on the floor. And I say two.

Dan Kennedy (8:17)

Shit. Shit.

Steve Zimmer (8:23)

It was the terrarium, and I've just killed Molly and Desmond. So the kids have got to Be scared. So I say, don't worry. Molly and Desmond are okay. I'm sorry for using bad words. We should never do that. Don't worry. The lights will come on soon. Everything will be okay. And now listen. Little kids don't like it when adults get mad. They understand. Yeah, it happens. What really upsets them is if you go back and forth between exaggerated niceness and angry screaming. And there's a couple of sniffles in the back of the room. And then I hear some. Some kid just starts singing, shit, shit, shit, shit. And then there's a third sound. It's crickets. And it turns out I didn't knock over the terrarium. I knocked over this old fashioned glass fishbowl that was covered where they were growing crickets to feed Molly and Desmond. So now the crickets are free and they're nocturnal. So for them, it's the age of Aquarius. And just then, Eve comes back with the gloves. And she's been gone four, five minutes. And she opens the door. The room's black. Children are crying, there's insects everywhere, and some kids singing about shit. The only thing missing is a goat nailed to a crucifix. So I'm, like, just really embarrassed in front of Eve and John. And so I. I try to take charge. And I'm like, eve, the electricity failed. Forget about the gloves. I need you to go and flick the breaker for room number 18, you know, just in case she doesn't know the room where she teaches. And Eve says, I think I should stay here. And in the dark, I see her, you know, a bunch of numbers on the cell phone. And she makes a couple calls. And the power comes on, like two minutes later. They evacuate the room. Most of the kids are okay, and, you know, I'm like, helping clean up, you know, capture crickets. And he's like, you know, thank you so much. You know, you don't have to do this. We're good. Why don't you go back to work? Apparently, if they can't send you to the principal's office, then they send you to your office. The feedback from my presentation is discouraging. A few of the kids tease John about me, and a lot of the parents become upset. After the Shit song explodes in popularity and John stops letting people think I'm his dad. Lori and I break up. Five months later, it's over a different incident, although there were parallels. So I failed my tests as a father figure, as a boyfriend, even as a responsible adult. But I can tell you this. The people at the Manhattan New School will remember my name. Thank you.

Dan Kennedy (11:55)

Steve Zimmer began attending the Moth in 2004 and Telling Stories in 2006. He recently held the Grand Slam Champion title. The Moth is a non profit organization. Consider supporting our free podcast or or becoming a Moth member. To learn more visit themoth.org now. You can also download the Moth podcast directly to your smartphone and listen on the go. Visit stitcher.com and download the free application today. Our podcast host Dan Kennedy is the author of the recently published book Rock An Office Power Ballad. Learn more@rockonthebook.com he is also the author of Loser Goes First. Thanks to Maz Swift for our podcast music. Thanks to all of you for listening. We hope you have a story worthy week. Podcast audio production by Paul Ruest at the Argo Network Podcast hosting by PRX Public Radio Exchange Helping make public radio more public@prx.org.