Tig Notaro: R2 Where Are You?

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Moth – Tig Notaro: R2 Where Are You?

Episode Overview Title: Tig Notaro: R2 Where Are You?
Host: The Moth
Guest Storyteller: Tig Notaro
Release Date: November 26, 2013
Duration: Approximately 19 minutes
Transcript Sections Skipped: Advertisements, podcast introductions, and promotional segments.

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Introduction to Tig Notaro's Story

In this poignant narrative, comedian Tig Notaro shares an intimate and heartfelt account of her complex relationship with her parents, the profound impact of her mother's passing, and the journey toward understanding and reconciliation with her stepfather, Rick. The story delves into themes of familial expectations, personal passion, loss, and the struggle to bridge emotional divides.

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Family Dynamics: Mother and Stepfather

Supportive Mother vs. Stoic Stepfather

Tig begins by contrasting her mother and stepfather, highlighting the stark differences in their personalities and parenting styles.

• Mother: Described as "very emotional and public, passionate and affectionate" with roots in Southern Mississippi. She was supportive of Tig's happiness and interests, even when they diverged from conventional paths. Tig remarks, “Everything was great, you know? And, like, even down to dropping out of high school, my mother would brag to people. She's like, yeah, Tig dropped out. You know, she's doing her own thing.” (04:30)

• Stepfather, Rick: An attorney and military man, portrayed as "stoic, removed, emotionless," likened humorously to a less emotional version of C3PO. Rick's disciplinary methods were strict; he would confiscate Tig's belongings, placing them in trash bags in the trunk, forcing her to earn money to regain her possessions. Tig notes, “He was hardcore. Like holidays, we weren't even allowed to have friends or family over to the house.” (07:15)

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Pursuing Comedy: Finding Passion Amidst Opposition

Tig recounts her discovery of stand-up comedy, which became a focal point of her life and passion. Her mother fully supported her pursuit, regardless of external opinions or the venues where Tig performed.

• Mother's Support: “She just thought I was cool, you know, as long as I was happy, she was happy.” (09:10)

• Stepfather's Opposition: Rick viewed her career as a "waste of my time and a waste of my intelligence," urging her to abandon comedy for a more traditional path like business school. Tig confronts this clash head-on: “I was making good money. I said, so you're telling me if I quit comedy and went to business school... you would support that?” (10:05)

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A Tragic Phone Call: Loss and Revelation

In March, Tig receives a life-altering phone call from Rick, informing her that her mother has suffered a fatal accident. This moment forces Tig to grapple with unresolved tensions and the imminent loss of her mother.

• The Phone Call: “Rick has only called me, like, two times in my entire life... He was calling to tell me that my mother had fallen and hit her head and was not going to make it.” (11:30)

• Immediate Aftermath: Tig reflects on her mother's likely desire to reconnect: “I know my mother would give anything in the world to be able to come back to talk to me.” (11:50)

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Confronting the Past: Thanksgiving Reunion and Emotional Breakdown

Following her mother's funeral, Tig spends Thanksgiving with Rick's family, leading her to visit her mother's former home. This visit triggers a profound emotional breakdown as she confronts the remnants of her past.

• Return to the Childhood Home: “I pulled up into the driveway, I just had a full on breakdown, just sobbing in the driveway because I was like, oh, my gosh, my mother is not in that house.” (16:00)

• Searching for Memories: Tig describes searching through drawers and closets for mementos of her mother, only to find them missing, exacerbating her grief and sense of loss. “I started opening drawers because I wanted to just see something of my mother.” (16:30)

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Reconciliation and Understanding

In a pivotal moment, Rick reaches out to Tig to apologize for his past behavior, revealing vulnerability previously unseen.

• Rick's Apology: “He said I was wrong, and I wanted to apologize for that. He said that I never understood you as a child.” (12:45)

• Mutual Emotional Release: Both Tig and Rick express remorse and emotional pain, leading to a deeper understanding of each other's perspectives. Tig reflects, “It's the parent's responsibility to learn who the child is.” (13:20)

• Discovery of Preserved Memories: Upon returning home, Rick directs Tig to a storage area where preserved items of her mother and childhood belongings are kept, symbolizing a bridge being built between them. “Look at the top shelf. And up there, he had placed some of my mother's things and some of my childhood things.” (17:10)

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Reflections and Insights

Tig concludes her story by contemplating the complexities of family relationships and the importance of empathy and understanding.

• Responsibility in Relationships: “It's the parent's responsibility to learn who the child is.” (13:10)

• Impact of Loss on Personal Growth: Tig acknowledges how her mother's death and the subsequent reconciliation with Rick have shaped her emotional landscape and personal growth.

• Humorous Yet Heartfelt Tone: Despite the heavy subject matter, Tig maintains her signature blend of humor and sincerity, making her story both relatable and deeply moving.

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Notable Quotes

• Tig Notaro on Her Stepfather: “Rick, he was hardcore. Like holidays, we weren't even allowed to have friends or family over to the house.” (07:15)

• On Pursuing Passion: “I found stand up comedy, and I immediately had focus in my life, and I was so passionate and excited about it.” (09:50)

• On Parental Support: “She just thought I was cool, you know, as long as I was happy, she was happy.” (09:10)

• Rick's Transformation: “And he wanted to apologize for that. He said that I never understood you as a child.” (12:45)

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Conclusion

Tig Notaro's story on The Moth encapsulates a journey through familial discord, personal passion, loss, and the arduous path toward reconciliation. Her narrative underscores the enduring impact of parental relationships and the profound personal growth that can emerge from confronting and healing past wounds. Through her candid storytelling, Tig invites listeners to reflect on their own family dynamics and the universal quest for understanding and acceptance.

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Additional Information

After her story, Dan Kennedy provides a brief overview of Tig Notaro's achievements, including her presence on NPR's This American Life, appearances on Conan, her acclaimed album Live, and her podcast Professor Blastoff, among other accolades.

Upcoming Events:
The Moth main stage was scheduled to appear at the Neptune Theater in Seattle on Tuesday, December 3rd. For tickets and a list of upcoming tour stops, listeners were directed to themoth.org.

Transcript

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[Kathryn Burns]

Hey y'all, this is Kathryn Burns, the Moth's artistic director. Welcome to the Moth podcast. As you may know, the Moth published our first book this fall. It's a big deal for a nonprofit that started in a living room. We spent the winter holed up listening, re listening, transcribing and editing. And we're really proud of the result. We're grateful to the amazing storytellers who've bravely shared their lives with us, and also to the thousands of audience members who, in this era of media overload, have set aside time to truly listen and engage. This book makes a great gift for the holidays. The stories are as raw and compelling as you remember from this podcast, only now you can hold them in your lap. It's also an excellent way to introduce the moth to the uninitiated or the media challenged. Is your grandma podcast savvy? Mine isn't, but she loved this book. Well, actually, my grandmother is dead, but Sarah Austin, Janess from our team. Her Grandmother Harriet is 91 and she truly loved the book. So thanks for supporting the moth with your ears. Happy holidays. And now, here's Dan Kennedy.

[Dan Kennedy]

Welcome to the Moth podcast. And I'm pretty sure it's Thanksgiving week this week or possibly next week or the week prior. I'm not really sure. It's pretty much just been a blur of pumpkin spice lattes and baked goods, and I'm in sort of a festive blackout. But let's get to today's story. The story you're about to hear by Tig Notaro was told live in Los Angeles last year. The theme of the night was carpe diem stories of our most vital moments. Here's Tig Notaro.

[Tig Notaro]

So when I was little, I made a mess of my room like any other child my age. The difference between me and other kids was the person overseeing my cleanup was my stuff stepfather, Rick. And Rick was an attorney and in the military. He was very stoic, removed, emotionless. And I used to joke and say that he was kind of like C3PO, but with less emotion. And then it dawned on me recently that that joke actually doesn't make any sense because C3PO is very emotional. It's like, R2, where are you? You know, like, my stepfather was never in a panic looking for me the way C3PO was looking for R2. So cleaning up my room, I was given an allotted time. And Rick would come in and whatever was out of place, he would put in a large trash bag and then he'd lock it in the trunk of the car. Then I had to do chores to earn money to buy my toys back. I know it sounds harsh, because it is. But to be fair, I could buy. They were fairly. They were priced fairly like they were. I could buy entire Millennium Falcons, wind up evel Knievels and stuffed monkeys for like a nickel each. Totally reasonable. But Rick, he was hardcore. Like holidays, we weren't even allowed to have friends or family over to the house. He claimed our house was not big enough. So that was not true. Meanwhile, my mother was very emotional and public, passionate and affectionate. She was wild and funny. She's originally from Southern Mississippi and was raised in a very conservative house. And she was always just wanting to make sure that I knew the most important thing in life was to be happy. And. And she just supported anything. Anything I did was so cool. And I always looked adorable and just everything was great, you know? And, like, even down to dropping out of high school, my mother would brag to people. She's like, yeah, Tig dropped out. You know, she's doing her own thing. And my own thing. I had nothing going on. Like, I was, like, working at a pizza parlor or selling po boys. That was me doing my own thing. But then I found stand up comedy, and I immediately had focus in my life, and I was so passionate and excited about it. And my mother, you know, she didn't care if I was in some dingy club in middle America or on tv. She just thought I was cool, you know, as long as I was happy, she was happy. Rick. Rick told me that my career was a waste of my time and a waste of my intelligence. And he thought that I should be a doctor or a lawyer. He suggested that I quit comedy and go to business school. Like, even just a couple of years ago when my career was going fine, I was making good money. I said, so you're telling me if I quit comedy and went to business school, something I'm not at all interested in, and ended up working in, like, a cubicle in an office somewhere with the life sucked out of me, you would support that? And he said, absolutely. I was like, wow, okay. So although my mother was very supportive of me, we certainly had our differences and problems. And I remember one time, like a decade ago, being on the phone fighting. And when the argument wasn't going anywhere, when I was mid sentence, she just abruptly handed the phone to Rick. And he said, tig, your mother doesn't want to talk to you. And he just hung up on me. And I kept calling back. No answer. It was so frustrating and stifling. And this March, my phone rang and the word parents popped up on my caller id. And I was like, oh, this is probably my mother calling to wish me a happy birthday. Because a couple of days before was my birthday and I had missed her call. And when I answered the phone, it was Rick. And Rick has only called me, like, two times in my entire life. One was to tell me I have no idea what that was about. And the second time was this time, and he was calling to tell me that my mother had fallen and hit her head and was not going to make it. And I Immediately pictured her lying in a hospital, just barely hanging on, saying, you know, call Tig. Tell her to come to Texas to say goodbye. And I said, can I talk to my mother? You know, put her on the phone? He said, no, you can't ever talk to her again. My mother had suffered massive brain hemorrhaging with zero chance of recovery. And it was really so intense to process that that I would never be able to talk to her again. I've reflected a lot recently about that phone call over a decade ago when we were arguing. And I've thought about how I. I know my mother would give anything in the world to be able to come back to talk to me. And I always think that if somebody could be like, okay, you can come back, but you have to come back to that phone call where you're fighting with Tig, there would be zero fighting. It would be only I love yous and I'm sorrys from both of us. After my. After my mother's funeral, we left Mississippi, our hometown, where she was buried, and we were driving back to Texas, and my brother and my uncle were in one car and Rick and I were in the other, and we were driving. And he said, tig, I want to talk to you about something. And I was like, oh, great. What could this be? Not in the mood. And he said, I wanted to talk to you about that time that you said that it hurt your feelings. The time that hurt your feelings when I told you you should go to business school. I said, oh, yeah, that hurt my feelings. But what really hurt my feelings was telling me my career was a waste of my time and a waste of my intelligence. That was hurtful.

[Dan Kennedy]

And.

[Tig Notaro]

And he said. And he started to cry. The robot started to cry. And he said I was wrong, and I wanted to apologize for that. He said that I never understood you as a child. I didn't get you at all. And I tried to project onto you my life and my route, and I expected you to take that exact same route. And I'm realizing that it's not the child's responsibility to teach the parent who they are. It's the parent's responsibility to learn who the child is. And I didn't do that. And I'm sorry. And I said, so. And I'm crying, too. I said, are you saying that if I said I was going to quit comedy and go to business school, you wouldn't support that anymore? And he said, absolutely not. He said, that is the only thing in the world that you should be doing. I was like, oh, my gosh, I didn't even realize that I needed that so desperately to hear that. And the only thing that really bums me out is that my mother wasn't there to hear that, to hear him tell me that. This Thanksgiving, I went to Texas and we actually spent it with Rick's side of the family. And I needed to get away and just be by myself. And I decided to drive to my mother and Rick's house. And when I pulled up into the driveway, I just had a full on breakdown, just sobbing in the driveway because I was like, oh, my gosh, my mother is not in that house. And of course I knew that, but it just really hit me in the driveway. And then I walked inside and the house still smelled like her. And everything was just so quiet. I was just looking around and still photos that were framed just seemed so still. Just moments in time caught and just gone forever. And all the photos were still just placed where my mother had placed them over the years. And I started opening drawers because I wanted to just see something of my mother. She would write little notes to herself like, you know, Dennis, 2:00pm tomorrow. And she was an artist, and she would sketch me perfectly on a napkin when I was just sitting around. And so I was just looking for those kinds of things in the drawers and there wasn't anything in there. And I went to open a closet and there's nothing there. And I was finding nothing in any drawers or closets. And I just started going around the house, just running around, just trying to find something. And then I was in this panic and just crying even harder. Rick had gutted the house out like he had when I was a child with a trash bag. Everything was gone. And I was like, that is, I'm done with this person. I couldn't believe I had fallen for that conversation. And I was so ready to write him off. Immediately I was done. And I called him on my cell phone and he said, hello, Tig. How are you doing? I said, not good, not good. All of my mother's things are gone, and so are my childhood things. And he said, hold on a minute. Go into my bedroom, go into my closet. And he started directing me. I was like, yeah. He said, look at the top shelf. And up there, he had placed some of my mother's things and some of my childhood things. And, you know, I opened the box and there were. She was a dancer, too. There were her ballet slippers and photos. And I just was like, you're lucky. And although, you know, before March, when the word parents popped up on my caller id, it represented my mother and Rick. Now when the word parents pops up on my caller id, it's only Rick. We have very different cleanup techniques, but I'm learning to get used to that. Good night.

[Dan Kennedy]

Tig Notaro has become a favorite and regular on NPR's this American Life and on Conan. Her critically acclaimed sophomore album Live is out now. Tig has guest starred on such shows as NBC's the Office and Community and HBO's the Life and Times of Tim. Her popular podcast Professor Blastoff recently peaked at number one on the iTunes Comedy Podcast chart. The Moth main stage is coming to the Neptune Theater in Seattle on Tuesday, December 3rd. For tickets and for a list of all of our upcoming tour stops, visit.

[Tig Notaro]

Themoth.Org Our podcast host, Dan Kennedy, is a writer and performer living in New York and author of the new novel American Spirit. Available now.

[Dan Kennedy]

Thanks to all of you for listening and we hope you have a story worthy week. Podcast Audio production by Paul Ruest at the Argo Studios in New York. The Moth Podcast and the Radio Hour are presented by prx, the Public Radio Exchange Change Helping Make Public Radio more [e-mail].