Jessica Lee Williamson (2:42)

When I was 18, my little sister, for my birthday, she gave me this journal that she had written in the front cover. It said, to Jessica, if you don't make it as a talk show host, maybe you'll make it as a writer instead. Happy birthday. And when I was 18, that's like the only thing I wanted to do with my life. I was obsessed with the idea of being a talk show host. I would just come home from school and just like sit on the sofa and go through Rosie o', Donnell, Maury Povich, Geraldo just down the line. And it wasn't my personality that squashed those dreams. It was Geraldo Rivera and his live studio audience. I lived in Maryland, which was like three hours away from New York City. And they would always show on the talk show. They'd say, if you want free tickets to send away. So I had to send away to all of them. I got tickets to all of them, including Geraldo. And I got four tickets. And I invited like the people who I thought were the coolest people I knew. And we had this plan to go up to New York City and go see the show live. And then everyone bailed on me and I was devastated. And so my mom was like, I'll drive you up there and go see Geraldo with you, which was horrifying. And then when we got there, this producer came out and said, who wants to take part in today's show? And I rose my hand because I had this desperate need for attention. And I guess Geraldo's producers had a desperate need for people with a desperate need of attention because they picked me to be in their show. Even though the theme was women who date the wrong men. I was only 18 years old and I had only dated two guys in my life. But to be fair, I was technically a woman, and they were both technically really wrong for me. I guess it made for really boring television because Geraldos was like really trying to pump up the drama by pouring on the pity. And, you know, after asking me about my dating experiences, he just kind of grabbed my hand and was massaging it. And it was really weird because he had this. I think it's a Star of David tattoo in the web between his thumb and his index finger. And that's all I could see while the cameras are on me. And he just kept massaging my hand and saying, you poor girl. How are you ever going to find the right man? And it made me really uncomfortable. And I tried to defuse it with a joke, a really bad joke. Something along the lines of, well, I guess I'll just dye my hair blonde because every guy I've ever met always likes girls with blonde hair. But it didn't come out as a joke. It just came out like a sad person. And then that was when the studio audience turned on me and gave me this group lecture on self respect. Most of it's foggy, but I remember one woman standing up and just shouting, girl, don't ever change yourself for a man. At this point, I didn't realize the level of humiliation I had made it to. You know, I still was like, oh, this is going all right. I think this is going all right. My mom is a man hater. I'll just put that out on the table right now. She's also Cuban and talks too much. And so she was, like, in the audience, like, kind of talking to herself. And then Geraldo noticed. I don't even think he knew she was my mother. He just, like, saw this woman who had something to say, and he was like, you look like you've got something to say to her. Why don't you stand up and say it? And all I could think was like, oh, my fucking God, my mother's going to embarrass me so bad right now, like, not realizing how that I had embarrassed myself. And she stood up and she's. I mean, she's like a talker. It's like she goes on and on and on. You're just always like, get to the point. And so she gave this really dramatic monologue on women and honoring themselves and having self respect. And I was just dying the whole time. And then the audience stood up and gave her a standing ovation. And then on our way out, they were all. They were still telling me, like, you can't, you know, you can't dye your hair blonde. You're pretty. Just like you are giving me this pep talk. And, you know, this many years later, I definitely did learn something from it in terms of self respect, of, you know, not changing myself for a man, but nothing in terms of getting up on a stage and humiliating myself in front of hundreds of people. Thank you.

Moth Podcast Host (8:43)

That was Jessica Lee Williamson. Jessica Lee Williamson is an artist and television writer living in Los Angeles Angeles. Her credits include I'm Dying Up Here, Medical Police, and F Is for Family. Jessica has also told a whopping 39 stories on moth stages all around the country. If you want to tell a story at the Moth, remember, you can go to our website themoth.org to pitch us your story and find information about upcoming slam dates.

Commercial Narrator (9:10)

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Moth Podcast Host (10:42)

Up next, Wes Hazzard. Wes told this story at a Jersey City Story Slam where the theme of the night was exercise. Here's Wes live at the Mall.

Commercial Narrator (10:59)

All right.

Wes Hazzard (11:00)

Hey, in October 2017, I got a really good email. Maybe the best email I ever got in my life, or at least the most exciting. It told me that I had passed the online test and I was invited to go audition live for Jeopardy.

Interviewer/Host (11:13)

I got to do that.

Wes Hazzard (11:14)

I was very, very excited.

Moth Podcast Announcer (11:15)

Thank you.

Wes Hazzard (11:17)

And sort of an email I've been waiting for for 20 years. I love that show. I really, really enjoy it. And on an average day, if I have the time, I will watch the daily episode of Jeopardy. On TV and then, like, you know, I'll spend 90 minutes a day looking up random crap on Wikipedia. That's how I have fun. All right, I got that email. I'm like, oh, we're obviously gonna orient our entire lives around this now. And so I started going hardcore, like, every day watching it. I would watch old episodes on YouTube. I bought a student atlas, like, minimum 90 minutes, map studies every day, UK king's line of succession. I'm like, in the J archive, like a database of all the online Jeopardy.

Interviewer/Host (11:51)

Episodes.

Wes Hazzard (11:51)

Just every single day, hours, just like, you know, and I stopped, Like, I started watching it, like behind a music stand, standing up with a ballpoint pen in my hand to get the timing down. Like, I'm like really into it and throw some numbers at you. Every year, Jeopardy. Says, yo, we're gonna have an online test. And about 300,000 people say, I would like to take that test. And jeopardy. Allows about 70,000 of those people to take the test. And of those 70,000, 2,500 get invited to go audition live. And of those 2,500, about 400 people per year get to be on Jeopardy. The odds are not in your favor, but I'm like, whatever, right? And backtrack. I'd taken the online Test and it's 50 questions and it just, you're watching them on screen, a little box pops up, you type in your answer, it stays there for eight seconds and it goes away. And the next question out of those 50, I know from research online that you gotta get at least 35 out of the 50 to even make the cut. And I was scorned. As I go through, I've been doing this, and I played high school bowl, college quiz bowl, lost my virginity at 21. I play trivia. All right, so I'm into it and I think I only got like a 37 on that test, which is not great, but just over the line. Alright, fine, great. And then you go in for the live audition and it's three parts. So the first part is like a 50 question test again, but this is a little bit different because it's recording of Alex Trebek and he does the answers and they give you a blank sheet with 50 answer spots on here. And you kind of have an advantage with this one because they don't get yanked away after each question. And if you're moving through these questions and at the speed that an average Jeopardy. Person needs to be at, you're going to bank. Sometimes some of them you're just going to know immediately. Some of Them you might not get immediately, but you can, like, jot a little note down to yourself. And at the end of that, you know, you get, like, maybe a minute or so where you can go back and, like, nail the answers. And I got to say, I'll stand before you here with humility and say that on that 50 question test, I frigging murdered that. Like, like, 47. Just destroyed it. Like, feeling real strong, like, ah. Whoo. Yeah. Cause, like, three of them, like, all right, I didn't know them. That's life. I didn't know three. But, like, at the very end, like, with, like, 17 seconds left to go, there were just three that were, like, just at the top of the tongue, edge of the mind. It was just like, basically, what's the capital of Croatia? What is the Civil War internment camp where war crimes were committed? And what is the element within your body that helps break down proteins? And I couldn't get it. I couldn't get it, and I couldn't get it. And then, like, 17 seconds left. It was like Zagreb Andersonville enzyme.

Commercial Narrator (14:20)

Hell, yeah.

Wes Hazzard (14:20)

Like, shit came from God. Like, ah, Feeling good. All right. Nice. And then you go up, and the second part of the interview is like a mock game. And they didn't even really care. Like, you know, these are just softball questions. You know, there's no stakes, there's no Alex, there's no lights. There's no crowd. It's you and, like, 20 other people in a hotel room in whatever town you're in. And I was going there, and they really. They don't care. They just want to know some basic stuff. Do you know how to play Jeopardy? Do you answer in the form of a question? Do you keep it moving? Do you have good energy? Do you look crazy on tv? Like, you know, basic stuff like that. And I'm just whipping through them like, emancipation proclamation, Rosa just hitting it. It's like, you know, like, John McCain was one of them. That was weird, but I got it. It was nice and, like, so cool. Feeling good on that. And then the third part is just like a little mock interview. They ask everybody the same question. What would you do if you won.

Interviewer/Host (15:09)

A bunch of money?

Wes Hazzard (15:10)

And everybody's like, oh, you know, I fix up the house, pay off some debt, travel, help the grandkids. And I said that I wanted to reunite the cast of the 90s sitcom from Fox Living Single for my 40th birthday party. Yeah. And they reacted thusly. And at the end of it, I'm like, I'm my own harshest critic. Like, when I fail, I tell myself in detail how I failed and how maybe we can correct in the future. I got out of that audition, I was like, wes, how do you feel?

Interviewer/Host (15:37)

You did?

Wes Hazzard (15:37)

And I'm like, I do not think I could have conducted myself better. Let's continue to study as if we're gonna be on Jeopardy. And that's a big commitment. Cause they tell you nothing. They don't tell you your scores. You don't know. I only know again, I'm keeping track. You get out of there. And they're like, all right, everybody, thank you so much for coming. You should be proud you made it this far. You know, if we get in touch, you'll be within the next 18 months. And that's it. Just go home and wait 18 months for a phone call that may never come. All right? And I'm just like. Just like, get out of there. I'm just like, do you know what pressure is? Like, My God. Like, think about the scenarios of, like, going on Jeopardy. Like, what could happen? Like, best case scenario, you go on, you win, like, 10, 15, 20 games. You become a minor national celebrity. You go on Fallon, you like, you know, like, you know, you get to retire and just, like, play trivia and write trivia books for the rest of your life. That's best case scenario. And I knew that probably wasn't gonna happen. But, like, worst case scenario, I was watching a game, the answer was Harriet Tubman at home. And I said, sojourner Truth. And I'm like, what if that happens? All right? What if I just go on national TV embarrassing my whole family, getting black history questions wrong, you know, just like that. It is insane. It's intense, all right? Just like, ugh. And like, all this stuff is going through my head. So, like, I got to the point where, like, four, five hours a day, easily, like, studying. Just, like, I get to the point where I wouldn't allow myself to go to bed if I didn't hit five final jeopardies in a row. Like, you get one wrong, you better believe you're getting up and looking that whole article up on Wikipedia. Like, the whole thing. Like, you know, intense. I had Broadway trivia, books, bible trivia, the whole bit. It was crazy. And then one day, I got an even better phone call, and then I got an email. And if you happened to watch Jeopardy. This past July, you would see that I was a three time Jeopardy.

Blue Apron Advertiser (17:16)

Champion.

Wes Hazzard (17:16)

I was very excited. Thank you guys very much.

Moth Podcast Host (17:24)

That was Wes Hazzard. Wes is a comic storyteller and actor, and he aims to bring wit, energy and honesty to the stage or the zoom screen. His book Questions for Terrible People was published by Simon and Schuster in 2016 and features questions like, what's the biggest lie you've ever told to get a job? We wanted to hear more from Wes about what it was actually like being on Jeopardy. And to talk a little bit more about the late, great Alex Trebek. Here's Wes.

Interviewer/Host (17:55)

Leading up to my performance or appearance, I should say, on Jeopardy. I'd spent about five months of prep getting really psyched for it. Um, what that does not prepare you for is actually being on set and just the. The magic. Um. It's so weird. I had been a jeopardy. Fan for 20 years, so I've seen that studio, that set many, many, many times. So in a way it felt familiar, but at the same time, it was totally new. You got there. The thing that struck me was how big it was. It was just a massive, expansive room. Much bigger than it looked on tv. As far as meeting Alex, there was no sort of starstruck quality because he is so good at making people comfortable. Like, his job every single day is to take three people who are having the biggest moment of their entire lives and make them comfortable, get them set to play, put them at ease. And he is so good at it. So meeting him was just like, this is like an uncle or something, you know? So that was really special. And it was just so great to be in his presence. It's hard to believe that, you know, he won't be on the show anymore and you'll miss him, but I think it just speaks to how good he was at his job. He's an American institution. I will say that I was very sad by his passing, but it felt more like when you see a skyline that no longer has a building that you used to love. It felt like that.

Moth Podcast Host (19:19)

That was Wes Hazzard. That's all for this week from all of us here at the Moth. Have a story worthy week.

Michelle Jelawski (19:28)

Michelle Jielowski is a producer and director at the Moth, where she helps people.

Wes Hazzard (19:33)

Craft and shape their stories for stages.

Moth Podcast Host (19:35)

All over the world. Podcast production by Julia Purcell.

Moth Podcast Announcer (19:43)

Ever listened to the Moth and thought, I have a story to tell? We'd love to hear it. The Moth pitch line is your chance to share a two minute pitch of your true personal story. Record it right on our site@themost.org or call 877-799. MOTH. That's 877-799-6684. Here's the thing we listen to every single pitch. Your story could end up on our podcast, our stage, or inspiring someone who needs to hear it. Share your story@themoth.org or call 877-799-moth everyone has a story worth telling. Tell us yours.