Any Single Places with Mitch Silpa

Summary

The Neighborhood Listen: Episode Summary – "Any Single Places with Mitch Silpa"

Release Date: December 24, 2024

---

Introduction

In the festive episode of The Neighborhood Listen, hosted by Burnt Millipede (Paul F. Tompkins), Joan Pedestrian (Nicole Parker), and Doug (Brett Morris), the trio delves into heartfelt and humorous discussions centered around the holiday season in their hometown of Dignity Falls. This episode prominently features a special guest, Ray Silpa (played by Mitch Silpa), who shares a poignant story about seeking love and navigating marital challenges.

---

Guest Introduction: Ray Silpa's Story

The episode kicks off with the hosts welcoming their guest, Ray Silpa, who reaches out via a neighborhood social networking app with a heartfelt post:

Ray Silpa [29:00]: "Hi, neighbors. Just wondering where a 62-year-old man can find love these days. He has a great big heart, very honest and loving. He's not well off financially, but never lets a woman pay for anything. Any single places he can go to in Dignity Falls. Thank you."

Upon introduction, it’s revealed that Ray is portrayed by one of the hosts, Paul F. Tompkins, setting the stage for an engaging narrative.

---

Exploring Marital Struggles and Seeking Love

As the conversation unfolds, Ray confides in the hosts about his long-standing marriage and his recent desire to explore a relationship with a woman. This revelation prompts a blend of sympathy and comedic banter among the hosts.

Ray Silpa [45:36]: "I have a confession to make. It's been on my mind for a while. I would like to try being with a woman."

The hosts navigate this delicate topic with a mix of humor and empathy, addressing the complexities of Ray’s emotional state and the impact on his marriage. They emphasize the importance of honesty and communication within relationships, especially during the holiday season when emotions often run high.

---

Interactive Role-Play: Couples Counseling Session

To provide support and explore solutions, the hosts engage in a role-playing exercise, simulating a couples counseling session where Ray and his wife discuss his newfound desires. This segment showcases the hosts' improvisational skills and their ability to blend humor with genuine advice.

Doug [46:35]: "Have to have those ground rules. Let me tell you something. They always work."

Ray Silpa [55:20]: "I threw him all away."

The role-play highlights the tension between Ray and his wife, ultimately leading to a resolution where understanding and mutual respect pave the way for healing.

Ray Silpa [68:01]: "This isn't easy. And we're gonna have some work ahead of us to repair this."

---

Conclusion: A Heartwarming Resolution

The episode concludes on a hopeful note as Ray and his wife reconcile, reaffirming their love and commitment. The hosts reflect on the importance of community support and open dialogue, especially during challenging times.

Ray Silpa [74:13]: "Thank you. This is a wonderful time. Yeah, it's a wonderful life."

The hosts also take a moment to announce an upcoming live show at Sketchfest in San Francisco, inviting listeners to join them for more adventures in Dignity Falls.

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Notable Quotes

• Doug [46:35]: "Have to have those ground rules. Let me tell you something. They always work."

• Ray Silpa [55:20]: "I threw him all away."

• Ray Silpa [68:01]: "This isn't easy. And we're gonna have some work ahead of us to repair this."

• Ray Silpa [74:13]: "Thank you. This is a wonderful time. Yeah, it's a wonderful life."

---

Key Takeaways

• Honesty in Relationships: Open communication is crucial for resolving marital issues and personal desires.

• Community Support: Engaging with neighbors and seeking advice can provide valuable perspectives during personal challenges.

• Balancing Humor and Emotion: The hosts effectively blend humor with serious topics, making the conversation both entertaining and relatable.

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Conclusion

This episode of The Neighborhood Listen masterfully intertwines humor with heartfelt storytelling, offering listeners both laughter and emotional resonance. Through Ray Silpa's journey, the hosts emphasize the significance of honesty, support, and community in navigating life's complexities, especially during the holiday season.

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Additional Information

For more episodes and exclusive content, visit cbbworld.com and consider signing up for the Maximus plan to unlock ad-free access and bonus episodes delving deeper into the lives of Dignity Falls' most intriguing residents.

Transcript

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Lights are going up. Snow is falling down. There's a feeling of goodwill around town. It could only mean one thing. McRib is here.

[Nicole Parker]

People throwing parties, ugly sweaters everywhere.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Stockings hung up by the chimney with care. It could only mean one thing. McRib is here at participating McDonald's for.

[Mitch Silpa]

A limited time after investing billions to light up our network. T Mobile is America's largest 5G network. Plus right now you can switch keep your phone and we'll pay it off up to $800. See how you can save on every plan versus Verizon and AT&T. @T mobile.com keepandswitch up to four lines via virtual prepaid card. Allow 15 days qualifying unlock device credit service ported. 90 plus days with device and eligible carrier and timely redemption required card has no cash access and expires in six. Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins.

[Doug]

And I'm Nicole Parker.

[Mitch Silpa]

On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website.

[Doug]

Occasionally, we change the names of some.

[Mitch Silpa]

Streets and that's all you need to know to support the show and unlock the ad free archive, as well as exclusive monthly episodes of the bonus room. Go to cbbworld.com and sign up for a Maximus membership.

[Doug]

And now, please enjoy this episode of the Neighborhood.

[Mitch Silpa]

Listen. Knock, knock.

[Doug]

Who's there?

[Mitch Silpa]

Your neighbor.

[Doug]

Good indignity fall. You're never alone. You've got the neighborhap app and us.

[Mitch Silpa]

Burn and Jode.

[Doug]

From coyotes to male theft to weird things to sell.

[Mitch Silpa]

We'll cover it all and meet new neighbors as well.

[Doug]

We'll chat about any posts you're missing. So just tune in to the neighborhood.

[Mitch Silpa]

Listen.

[Doug]

Is that like we're talking about.

[Mitch Silpa]

Welcome once more to the neighborhood. Listen, Joan, you can laugh.

[Doug]

You caught me in the middle of a conversation. Listen, it is. We're having a holiday. Let's be honest. It's a holiday meal moment.

[Mitch Silpa]

Yes.

[Doug]

I've. I've made some holiday martinis.

[Mitch Silpa]

Yes. Which are different than regular martinis.

[Doug]

They are different because, of course, there's a candy cane element.

[Mitch Silpa]

That's right.

[Doug]

I hollow out a candy cane and it's a straw that you drink it through. It's really fantastic.

[Mitch Silpa]

It's fun.

[Doug]

It is fun.

[Mitch Silpa]

It's fun.

[Doug]

Mary martinis.

[Mitch Silpa]

Yes. And it's. You have a. Instead of vermouth, you're using Bailey's.

[Doug]

Yes, I am. Oh, I love Bailey's.

[Mitch Silpa]

Oh, Bailey's and vodka.

[Doug]

It's so good. Irish milkshake.

[Mitch Silpa]

And then put some mint in there with the Candy cane.

[Doug]

Oh, I thought you said put some men in there. I was like, hey. Oh, what? It sounds like you could put some men in there.

[Mitch Silpa]

It's raining, man. That song.

[Doug]

Of course I do.

[Mitch Silpa]

The Weather Girls.

[Doug]

That's right, the Weather Girls. And then the Spice Girls redid it. Or maybe it was just Ginger Spice. Jerry Hallowell. Nope, that's not the name.

[Mitch Silpa]

Yeah.

[Doug]

Yes. Okay. Jerry Hallowell.

[Mitch Silpa]

Were you thinking that was somebody else?

[Nicole Parker]

You said, it's so confident.

[Doug]

No, I was.

[Mitch Silpa]

Is that a scientist? Was Jerry Hallowell.

[Doug]

If you want full honesty. Do you want full honesty?

[Mitch Silpa]

I do. Please. At Christmas, you tell the truth.

[Doug]

That's right.

[Mitch Silpa]

You learned from actually.

[Doug]

And you sing and cry to Jodi Mitchell. I thought. Oh, no. Was that the name of, like, some woman that a politician slept with in a scandal for whatever reason? That's what it sounded like, right?

[Mitch Silpa]

Jennifer Flowers. Almost.

[Doug]

Correct. It's Nelly. Yeah. Jessica Han. It sounded like that. Yes. Remember Jessica Han?

[Mitch Silpa]

I do. Fawn. What's her name? There was a Fawn.

[Doug]

Yes, there was. Can't remember the fawn.

[Mitch Silpa]

Oh, Fawn Hall.

[Doug]

Oh, Fawn Hall.

[Mitch Silpa]

Fawn Hall.

[Doug]

So anyways, Jerry Hallowell. Yes, I remember.

[Mitch Silpa]

That was my dormitory at Pharmacy College. Pharmacy College. I stayed in Fawn Hall.

[Doug]

Yes, that's right. And like, you guys were. I mean, it was almost like a. Like a Hogwarts thing where you were really proud of being a faun.

[Mitch Silpa]

Exactly.

[Doug]

And what were the other ones? It was Fawn. Fawn Hall. Fox Hall.

[Mitch Silpa]

Yes.

[Doug]

Was it Warthog?

[Mitch Silpa]

It was. It was just hog. Hog Hall.

[Doug]

Hog Hall. That's what it was. And what was the last one?

[Mitch Silpa]

Scorpion Hall. And I remember the guys from Scorpion hall all just something. What was off about them? They were not.

[Doug]

Also, weren't they always just, like, you know, at night you could see just, like big experiments and green, like, you know, flashes. It's like, what are they doing over there?

[Mitch Silpa]

They're, like, trying to figure out.

[Doug]

They were trying to do actual magic.

[Mitch Silpa]

How can we put more pills in this bottle?

[Doug]

I love that. That the pharmacy school you went to was really that fantastical. Did you wear robes?

[Nicole Parker]

This was a pharmacy school. Pharmacists. Not for pharmacology.

[Doug]

What? Doug.

[Mitch Silpa]

That's Doug, our engineer. And what is he talking about? Let's find.

[Nicole Parker]

You're learning how to. How to. How to work in a pharmacy rather than the science.

[Doug]

You're talking about, like, getting the actual.

[Nicole Parker]

What am I not doing right?

[Mitch Silpa]

Do you think. Do you think that a pharmacist essentially is Like a retail sort of clerk.

[Doug]

I think he's talking about, like, is it two separate things? Do you have to be trained in the store how to just basically do basically? Almost like.

[Mitch Silpa]

Yeah, that happens in the store. You don't go to college for that.

[Doug]

Right. For college. So, babe, the answer is for the science aspect.

[Mitch Silpa]

You learn pharmacology.

[Doug]

Yes. So there you go. Did ask that. To be fair, you. You. You used the word pharmacology. It was good. You did good.

[Nicole Parker]

That's what I thought.

[Mitch Silpa]

I say pharmacy college because it's easier than saying pharmacological college.

[Doug]

What was the name? Did you say the name of the school?

[Mitch Silpa]

I did not say the name of the school.

[Doug]

Oh, okay, right. We just had the names of the hall.

[Mitch Silpa]

Oh, did you want to know the name?

[Doug]

I would love to. Yeah.

[Mitch Silpa]

It was. It was called Mount Olympia. It was the Mount Olympils College of Pharmacology, so.

[Doug]

Great.

[Mitch Silpa]

Yeah.

[Doug]

Oh, and it is a beautiful area. It is a hill. It actually is a hilly area.

[Mitch Silpa]

Yes, yes, it is. And. And some people that live there worship ancient.

[Doug]

Go.

[Mitch Silpa]

Now, speaking of old gods, it is Christmas Eve.

[Doug]

It is.

[Mitch Silpa]

And we're gathered around the. The. The kitchen island. You've put up. You put up decorations in the kitchen.

[Doug]

Yeah, I was going to have us gather around the fireplace, which, as you know, if you've been listening, is actually in the laundry room. Because I wanted a central chimney. It had to be in the dead center of the house, which happened to be where the laundry room was. Yeah. And.

[Mitch Silpa]

But I have a Game of Thrones style.

[Doug]

Yes.

[Mitch Silpa]

Chimney. Fireplace.

[Doug]

Fireplace. Yes.

[Mitch Silpa]

Walk in fireplace. Yes.

[Doug]

Yeah, I know you wanted to say hearth. You heard him. He. Last time we talked about it, he said hearth. And he wanted to. He loves the word heart. Especially in Christmas. Especially in Christmas.

[Mitch Silpa]

Especially. We all agree. Especially in Christmas.

[Doug]

So. So.

[Mitch Silpa]

And in Christmas, you tell the truth.

[Doug]

You tell the truth. And. And also. So what I did is I just have, like, you know, kind of like a tiny little set up here in the middle where we can roast marshmallows. Just like a teeny little grill.

[Mitch Silpa]

Teeny little classic Christmas activity.

[Doug]

Yes. It really is. You know, I listen, I like to. No one makes roasted chestnuts, so. Have you ever actually had those?

[Mitch Silpa]

No. The smell. I. I'll be honest with you.

[Doug]

Yeah.

[Mitch Silpa]

The. Because I've walked past, you know, little carts that are doing them at Christmas.

[Doug]

Sure. Yes. And they always smell better than they taste.

[Mitch Silpa]

The smell at first.

[Doug]

Correct.

[Mitch Silpa]

Smells so nice.

[Doug]

Amazing.

[Mitch Silpa]

Then very quickly it becomes the most disgusting thing. I'VE ever seen.

[Doug]

Yes, yes. And also just.

[Mitch Silpa]

It's so fast.

[Doug]

It's.

[Mitch Silpa]

It's so fast.

[Doug]

So, yeah, listen a lot. That was. Wow. Amazing. It was almost like your Santa impression.

[Mitch Silpa]

What do you mean?

[Doug]

It's just terrible. It's just so you just. I mean, it's been a couple years now. No, you're further. You're colder. Cold. Very cold.

[Nicole Parker]

Hear that, kid? Santa's coming.

[Mitch Silpa]

This is your nearly adult children you're saying this to?

[Doug]

Yeah.

[Mitch Silpa]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

I still, you know, I still get wrapped up in the.

[Doug]

Doug loves it so much, he still eats the. You know, what's crazy is the boys found out quickly that, like, you know, it was Doug doing it. But they would buy a pound of carrots, right?

[Mitch Silpa]

A pound of carrots.

[Doug]

Literally just buy, like, a whole bag of them, right. And then leave them on the thing. And Doug, because he loves it, he would eat every single one of those. And, I mean, they left out an entire carton of milk one night. He had to drink that.

[Mitch Silpa]

You wait, the entire car? Yeah, he did.

[Doug]

He said, I have to do it. It has to be authentic.

[Nicole Parker]

Possible. They say it's impossible to drink a gallon of milk.

[Doug]

They were be.

[Mitch Silpa]

Well. Well, in. In one. In one go.

[Doug]

Who's they?

[Mitch Silpa]

It's not like over the course of your life, you're.

[Nicole Parker]

It's impossible.

[Doug]

Is it the same? Is it the same day? And they say, I only hear what I want. Same day.

[Nicole Parker]

Original lyrics.

[Doug]

They say, you can't drink a whole gallon too much milk.

[Mitch Silpa]

Very conspiratorial. Sorry. And then somebody said, lisa, you should make you.

[Doug]

So. Yes. He. He. He always did that because he loves it. And the reason I did the marshmallows is because, of course, my boys loved fire. And this was a nice way to contain it, to put it in like a teeny little sort of like a mini. Little barbecue or whatnot. And then we would just roast the marshmallows. And they loved it. My twins. Of course. I'm talking about my twins. Matt and Thelonious and Theodius. That's right. And so this is. I understand that some people have their own Christmas traditions. I get it. That s'mores and roast marshmallows are not generally what people sing about. But neither do they sing about actually. Or tell ghost stories, which is a lyric that's true. Just designed to rhyme with glories of Christmases long, long ago to say there'll be scary ghost stories and tales. They're not scary. When have you ever told a scary ghost story? At Christmas.

[Mitch Silpa]

The only one that I can think of that did it is Charles Dickens.

[Doug]

Oh, and speaking of which, can I segue?

[Mitch Silpa]

I wish you would.

[Doug]

Well, it's weird because I'm doing my final performance of A Christmas Comma Carol.

[Mitch Silpa]

Great segue.

[Doug]

Thank you. Which is my one woman Christmas carol.

[Mitch Silpa]

And how's it been going?

[Doug]

It's been going fine. I. You know, it's. Mitch McNutt has a terrible flu, and I don't think he's gonna make it. I know. I don't think he's gonna make it to review this.

[Mitch Silpa]

Oh, I thought. I thought.

[Doug]

You mean he's not gonna make it.

[Mitch Silpa]

Out of the flu. I got so excited, I thought, oh, finally he's gonna die. Wouldn't that be wonderful if he died?

[Doug]

Well, again, I don't want to say those things on Christmas.

[Mitch Silpa]

Oh, can you have.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What?

[Mitch Silpa]

A Christmas gift to us?

[Nicole Parker]

All right.

[Mitch Silpa]

If you were to die.

[Doug]

So I think that I've had a really. I've had a wonderful time. I'm sorry you didn't come. I thought that you would. I'm sorry. I couldn't do it. I had a. You know, I had a chair taped off that said burnt for you every single performance. And it was just always empty.

[Mitch Silpa]

I'm very sorry that I couldn't make it, obviously. Stuff at the falsemacy. By the way, my name is Bernie Payday. I'm a pharmacist here at Dignity Falls. This show is called the Neighborhood. Listen. And we are in the neighborhood of Dignity Falls, and that's what we're talking about.

[Doug]

I am Joan Pedestrian. I am a realtor and a local actress.

[Mitch Silpa]

That's right.

[Doug]

In the Dignity Falls theater community. That's right. That's now the company line that I say.

[Mitch Silpa]

That's the company line.

[Doug]

It's the company line.

[Mitch Silpa]

And you are. You are talking about your show, your one woman show at Christmas. Carol.

[Doug]

A Christmas Carol. Because her name is Carol.

[Mitch Silpa]

Yes.

[Doug]

And she's sort of a top CEO of, you know, like top, top 100, you know, money making business women. And she's. She's lost touch with her life, and she's lost touch with Christmas and the meaning of it. And she's visited by three ghosts, you know, but they're. They're sort of figures in her. In her life, you know, one is her dad, the current one, a guy in the copy room who is in love with her, and she didn't even realize that. And then the future one is. Is what?

[Mitch Silpa]

Something very sad about a ghost coming back saying you didn't know when I was always in love with you. That's brutal. That's his unfinished business.

[Doug]

Well, I go and I have this great. I have this great thing where, like, I wake up and there's. I realize that I haven't missed Christmas. And there's a Christmas party at the. At the office.

[Mitch Silpa]

Where does Carol work?

[Doug]

She works at. She has her own hedge fund. Yeah. And she's made partner. And it's Carol, Belle. And Belle. Right. Clever. Right? Yeah. You said it like it wasn't.

[Mitch Silpa]

I just said.

[Nicole Parker]

Normally the whole audience goes, yeah.

[Mitch Silpa]

When you said something.

[Doug]

I'm a narrator. There's a lot of breaking the point.

[Mitch Silpa]

We have to be.

[Nicole Parker]

You gotta come.

[Doug]

I am. I play every part. And I say to them, I mean, you can come tonight. I've got your seat roped off.

[Nicole Parker]

I've gotten used to just sitting by your empty seat.

[Doug]

Doug has seen every show.

[Nicole Parker]

I think people start to think I'm kind of like a Clint Eastwood type, like, talking to my imaginary friend. Because I always say, my friend's coming.

[Doug]

What reference is that? Does Clint Eastwood have an imaginary friend?

[Mitch Silpa]

He did that at the. The 2012 RNC, the Republican National Convention.

[Doug]

Oh, I remember.

[Mitch Silpa]

He talked to a chair, pretended it was Obama.

[Doug]

Wow. Remember when those were things to talk about?

[Mitch Silpa]

Anyway, I have to admire the. The guts of it to say, you know what? Just give me a chair. I know what to do. Just keep the camera.

[Doug]

Get a chair that's as high as my pants. I know what to do.

[Mitch Silpa]

But, you know, but, Doug, what it puts me in mind of is when you see those pictures of, like, a dog sleeping on the grave of its owner.

[Doug]

Oh, dear.

[Mitch Silpa]

You know, I'm not going to be there. But you sit next to your.

[Doug]

Doug's sitting next to your.

[Nicole Parker]

Sometimes I do say, get a load of this, man.

[Doug]

You do a fake elbow of a bird. That's not there.

[Mitch Silpa]

That's very flattering, and I really appreciate that. Touched by that now.

[Doug]

So, anyways, the point is. So she runs the office. She's. And also, she's like, we're not doing a Christmas party. I'm not going to spend any money on it. No one can sing karaoke, and it's terrible. And. And then, of course, she wakes up and she makes that point.

[Mitch Silpa]

It's not just too much money. But I don't like the way you sing. You're all bad at singing.

[Doug]

She's. I told you. She's lost touch with everything.

[Mitch Silpa]

Right.

[Doug]

She's real Scrooge. She's real Scrooge. And, And. And so, you know, she does the whole thing where. So she wakes up, and then she, like. I mean, it's not really the same. She's in a high rise, so she basically just. She runs down to the lobby, and she sees a janitor mopping up, you know, the floor. It's not a little boy. And she says, hey, man. You know, and hey, man.

[Mitch Silpa]

Because he's a grown man.

[Doug]

He's a grown man. Hey, human man. Did you say see the bang Olufsen phone in the. In the front store window? And he goes, the one as big as me? And I say, go get it. And I say, go get 20 for my employees.

[Mitch Silpa]

And it's like, olufsen phone.

[Doug]

Well, she's still rich and out of touch. She thinks everyone wants to bang Olsen.

[Mitch Silpa]

Phone like a landline.

[Doug]

And. And then she takes it to the Christmas party, and. And everyone's so surprised. And she walks right straight across the room to the copy guy, and she lays a big kiss on him, and it's lovely. And then she starts.

[Mitch Silpa]

So he's alive?

[Doug]

Yes. Just. Just so you know, in. In, like, normal stories, it's usually not someone who's actually dead. It's not. It does not have to be normally someone who's. Who's dead. It can just be exploring the present.

[Mitch Silpa]

Is that what's going on?

[Doug]

I'm explaining different Christmas carol interpretations.

[Mitch Silpa]

Oh, I see. I see.

[Doug]

A lot of times, it is a spirit that's almost from their present that appears to them in different iterations.

[Mitch Silpa]

Right, right, right, right.

[Doug]

He's not really dead, you know?

[Mitch Silpa]

Right.

[Doug]

Okay. And then the future of her is just. Well, it looks like the end of the substance is basically just her monstrous. Like, what you're gonna look like. Yes.

[Mitch Silpa]

Yeah.

[Doug]

She's like, no, God, anything but that. And so that's how she turns it around, you know? But it has been great. I, I. I did all my workouts like I told you I was. I did all my characters while running on a treadmill, and Doug would just hand me the hats and the wigs, and I would just switch them, and that's why I have the turntable. I just stand next to the turntable, and the turntable just rotates with the wigs and the hats and stuff like that.

[Mitch Silpa]

That's fun.

[Doug]

You said it like it's not.

[Mitch Silpa]

No, I'm picturing it. And look, Joan, I apologize that I have not been able to make it. I don't know if you remember a while back, I told you that I was in danger of getting fired at the Falls, Missouri.

[Doug]

Oh, yes, you did.

[Mitch Silpa]

There was some little punk that was spreading rumors. Me.

[Doug]

That's right.

[Mitch Silpa]

And the owner, he was saying I was deliberately putting either too many pills or not enough.

[Doug]

Yeah, that's right.

[Mitch Silpa]

Well, at the mere threat of me being fired, several of my co workers. The gang. The gang walked out in solidarity. They quit.

[Doug]

How amazing. What a special moment.

[Mitch Silpa]

And so I have been covering, even though.

[Doug]

Wait, now you're back? They didn't come back.

[Mitch Silpa]

They have not come back yet.

[Doug]

Well, that's strange. You're back. I mean, it should be.

[Mitch Silpa]

They keep getting mixed information, I think from the same young punk probably who's telling him. No, no, he got refired.

[Doug]

Re fired.

[Mitch Silpa]

So they stay at home. And I've been scrambling like crazy. You know, I'm working double shifts.

[Doug]

This is a really busy time of year. Everyone. People get like taking pills for kids.

[Mitch Silpa]

They love to get pills for Christmas.

[Nicole Parker]

Also, what would be wrong?

[Mitch Silpa]

He's getting their Christmas pills.

[Nicole Parker]

What would be wrong with throwing a couple extra pills in there?

[Doug]

It's like a donut.

[Nicole Parker]

Like a donut hole.

[Doug]

Like a donut.

[Nicole Parker]

Like donut know when they throw in an extra one.

[Doug]

It is not the same thing. It is. Not at all.

[Mitch Silpa]

We're friends, so I'll. I'll pretend I didn't hear you ask that question.

[Nicole Parker]

I did.

[Doug]

Hey, why don't we. Why do we. I didn't mean to, babe. Why do we switch it up and you tell me where you are today? Where's the final.

[Mitch Silpa]

Great question, Joe.

[Doug]

Where's the final. What's the final room of season? Steven?

[Nicole Parker]

Building the gingerbread spiral staircase.

[Mitch Silpa]

Staircase sounds about right. That's you can't walk. I mean, Doug, that sounds very.

[Nicole Parker]

Not a staircase. It is a staircase. I misspoke.

[Mitch Silpa]

Is it made. It's like one to one scale. This is like an actual scale.

[Nicole Parker]

We use it the whole Actually be.

[Doug]

Able to walk on it. Is it edible?

[Mitch Silpa]

Oh, that doesn't sound safe.

[Nicole Parker]

Fully edible.

[Doug]

Okay. Fully edible.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Mitch Silpa]

You shouldn't be able to eat stairs.

[Doug]

I don't. I really don't think so.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, you can eat them on your way up. As long as you're eating.

[Mitch Silpa]

How can you. So you know what stairs with dis.

[Doug]

You get on your hands and knees walking.

[Mitch Silpa]

So do you eat the stairs that you already walked up?

[Doug]

No, you can't eat those. If you eat the ones in front of you, then there's no more stairs.

[Mitch Silpa]

Exactly. If you eat the ones in front of you, you can't go up any further. If you eat the ones behind you.

[Nicole Parker]

You can't go back.

[Mitch Silpa]

You can't go down. And you've also walked. There's other ways. Things you've walked on.

[Nicole Parker]

There's other ways down.

[Doug]

This is a staircase.

[Mitch Silpa]

There's other ways down.

[Doug]

Well, like what? A slide.

[Mitch Silpa]

Gingerbread. Fireplace bowl. Fireman bowl. Fireplace bowl.

[Nicole Parker]

Fireplace bowl. Now you misspoke.

[Doug]

Oh, Doug, getting saucy on Christmas Eve.

[Nicole Parker]

No, I'm not saucy. I've had only a couple of the holiday martinis.

[Mitch Silpa]

Such pleasure. Now you misspelled.

[Nicole Parker]

Where I once was. You are now.

[Doug]

Okay, now he's Yoda.

[Mitch Silpa]

You know what? Well, I don't want to relitigate Yoda.

[Doug]

On this podcast, but no, it does seem like another podcast.

[Mitch Silpa]

There's sometimes he talks. Fine. If you could do that. Do that.

[Doug]

What are the rules?

[Mitch Silpa]

Come on, man.

[Doug]

I wonder if it was one of those things where they only came up with it halfway through, so they just, you know, shot it out of order, and they were like, should we go back in and fix all that now? It's fine. It's fine.

[Mitch Silpa]

What if he was written by that character? Was written solely by someone who. Who grew up speaking romance languages. And so, you know, with a lot of languages where it's like, surprise at the end. This is what this was about.

[Nicole Parker]

Do they ever actually.

[Mitch Silpa]

Gotcha.

[Nicole Parker]

Do they ever actually say in Star wars, yeah. That that's how they speak?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, but that would be ridiculous.

[Doug]

So they don't actually comment. Yeah, Yoda's just like that.

[Mitch Silpa]

You're going to meet Yoda. Just so, you know, confused.

[Doug]

You will be.

[Mitch Silpa]

He starts to talk, it's going to Dr.

[Nicole Parker]

Nuts that. I don't blame them for that.

[Mitch Silpa]

He's a.

[Nicole Parker]

Look, he's a good guy.

[Doug]

He's a good guy.

[Mitch Silpa]

Great, great Jedi teacher. Questionable, but just please don't call attention to it.

[Doug]

Now, are you and Gabby going to celebrate tomorrow? Do you. Does she. I don't know if she's religious or she even observes Christmas. But we are going to.

[Mitch Silpa]

We're going to go to her family's house, and they have moved. Her parents have moved to Wyoming. I've never been to Wyoming.

[Doug]

Oh, wow.

[Mitch Silpa]

And so they do, like, a real rugged, outdoorsy Christmas where.

[Doug]

What does that mean? Well, they camping for Christmas.

[Mitch Silpa]

Kind of.

[Doug]

Yeah.

[Mitch Silpa]

What happens is, you know, because she's a smokejumper and her parents are smokejumpers.

[Doug]

Of course.

[Mitch Silpa]

That's for Long live smokejumpers. And what they do is they set a huge fire they jump into it, put it out, and then we camp there.

[Doug]

Jump into it.

[Mitch Silpa]

That's what they do.

[Doug]

I didn't know they jumped directly into it. Well, not.

[Mitch Silpa]

I mean, there's gonna be.

[Doug]

There's gonna be.

[Mitch Silpa]

Okay, Joan, there's going to be a space.

[Doug]

Specifics. You must learn.

[Mitch Silpa]

A space. There's going to be an area in which to jump.

[Doug]

Oh, God. Oh, that's kind of fun. You nervous to do that?

[Mitch Silpa]

Oh, yeah, I'm very nervous. I've never jumped out of an airplane before.

[Doug]

Well, yes. You've only landed in lava on an airplane and scrambled to the top of it and survived.

[Mitch Silpa]

That's right.

[Doug]

Yeah.

[Mitch Silpa]

So this will be new. And it's a helicopter, really, because you can't. You can't. That's the only way you can have the. The precision.

[Doug]

Wait. So burnt. This sounds like you're recreating what happened to you at the beginning of this season.

[Mitch Silpa]

No.

[Doug]

Yes. You. I'm. Again, for. Since it's the last episode, I'm going to. I'm going to reiterate that this summer Burn and Gabby went to Mykonos. On their flight back, they hardly got far at all. One of the volcanoes exploded. That's Mount Etna erupted. And they had to do a lava landing, an emergency, which she tells me is very common. And they scrambled at the top of the plane. They were rescued by a swarm of helicopters, and they had amazing sex afterwards. That's exactly right. And then for a while, you believed you were immortal, and now you guys were trying to actually do damage to yourself.

[Mitch Silpa]

There was a few weeks there where we thought we were immortal.

[Doug]

So now. Then you evened out. Now it sounds like you're adding helicopters, you're adding fire. This sounds very similar.

[Mitch Silpa]

I understand why you would think that.

[Doug]

Thank you.

[Mitch Silpa]

Well, you're welcome. But because I'm with Gabby, this is something she does all the time.

[Doug]

Okay.

[Mitch Silpa]

I feel very safe in her hands.

[Doug]

Okay. All right.

[Mitch Silpa]

And her parents. Hands.

[Doug]

Okay. Great.

[Mitch Silpa]

By the way, she looks exactly like her mother.

[Doug]

Oh, wow.

[Mitch Silpa]

And her father.

[Doug]

Oh.

[Mitch Silpa]

Like, exact combination, look exactly the same.

[Doug]

Oh, that's strange.

[Mitch Silpa]

It is. And, I mean, they do. Her parents do a blood test every year to make sure they're not related.

[Doug]

They think it would. What would change in a year since she's already out of the person's body, they feel like.

[Mitch Silpa]

Okay, we gotta. Let's just make sure. I think it's a romantic thing for them now.

[Doug]

Is it?

[Mitch Silpa]

Okay.

[Doug]

Well, that's sweet. I'm not gonna knock their traditions. Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Doug]

Yeah. Well, is it time to get our guest on, babe? I know. Put the gingerbread down for a second and check out how long we've been talking for. For.

[Nicole Parker]

I'll check it out. 21.

[Doug]

Oh, that's perfect.

[Mitch Silpa]

Sweet.

[Doug]

Really.

[Nicole Parker]

Blackjack.

[Mitch Silpa]

Blackjack indeed.

[Doug]

21. Yes. All right, all right.

[Mitch Silpa]

Well, we should take a break.

[Doug]

You know, we want to wish too many martinis.

[Mitch Silpa]

Too many martinis. That's how you know when you're drunk. When you say martini, by the way.

[Nicole Parker]

It'S hard to use these candy cane straws. You have to get under the. The.

[Doug]

I know. I did find some mistake of. I should have just cut off the curved part.

[Mitch Silpa]

I just broke off the crook. Right. Is that allowed?

[Doug]

The crook.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Crook.

[Doug]

Never even thought of saying it. Oh, I. I did and I have.

[Nicole Parker]

Why don't we say it more?

[Doug]

What?

[Nicole Parker]

Why don't we say it more? Crook.

[Doug]

Why do we say what? Oh, I thought.

[Mitch Silpa]

Why don't we say more? I say at the false missy all the time because, you know, we have that rack of canes and I say if somebody said someone's stomach.

[Nicole Parker]

Might have been mine.

[Mitch Silpa]

Was it your.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Mitch Silpa]

Might have been your throat. Oh, this is a real. Lock the doors, lock the gates. When people. When people come in, they want a cane, I say, check those out. Let me know if you want a crook or not. Because sometimes it's just. Well, I guess even just a handle.

[Doug]

Handle. Yeah. All right.

[Mitch Silpa]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Do you ever form the crook yourself?

[Doug]

How would you do that?

[Mitch Silpa]

No, I'm not a woodworker.

[Nicole Parker]

Cane workers. Worker.

[Mitch Silpa]

I'm not a cane worker.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, I imagine they start off straight and then somebody has to make it.

[Doug]

You know, the strength of what man is going to just take the wood and bend it in front.

[Mitch Silpa]

Do you know, I have a friend who's not good with money, and he one time got a targeted ad on social media about getting a custom cane. And so he did that.

[Doug]

No.

[Mitch Silpa]

And then the cane people will not leave him alone.

[Doug]

Did he actually get a can? Cane.

[Mitch Silpa]

He did get a cane.

[Doug]

Okay.

[Mitch Silpa]

And there's no amount of send to spam block, whatever these emails and texts get through every single time.

[Doug]

Wow.

[Mitch Silpa]

And I don't know how many canes one person can have in their lifetime, but the cane company seems to think it's in the hundreds.

[Nicole Parker]

I gotta see this custom cane.

[Doug]

And do not you dare reach out to those people.

[Mitch Silpa]

Do not you dare do that.

[Doug]

All right, let's go to a break.

[Mitch Silpa]

We're drunk, babe.

[Nicole Parker]

Nothing. I would think of it.

[Doug]

Yeah, definitely drunk.

[Mitch Silpa]

We'll be right back with a guest. More when the Neighbor Listen returns.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Audible's.

[Mitch Silpa]

Best of 2024 picks are here. Discover the year's top audiobooks, podcasts and originals in all your favorite genres, from memoirs and sci fi to mysteries and thrillers. Audible's curated list in every category is the best way to hear 2024's best in audio entertainment, like a stunning new full cast production of George Orwell's 1984 heartfelt memoirs like Supreme Court Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson's lovely one. The year's fast fiction, like the Women by Kristin Hannah and Percival Everett's brilliantly subversive James Audible. There's more to imagine when you listen. Go to audible.com imagine and discover all the year's best waiting for you. Credit Karma is your evolved financial assistant, making managing your finances simpler and more tailored to you. Join [e-mail] to start your personalized financial journey today and continue to grow with our innovations. Credit Karma Evolve your finances what's up? It's Taylor. Seen ufo? I mean, I seen it. It was a flying object, could not identify it and I seen it. This is Taylor, by the way. I don't know if I said that already, but I'm Taylor and seen ufo. Now look, I know lots of people are named Taylor, but if you see me on the street and you know, I go, what's your name? And you say your name, whatever it is. And then if you go, and what's your name? And I go, taylor, then you can say to me, scene ufo And I'll and, and I'll say, yeah, Seen ufo. I'm Taylor. Seen ufo. Welcome back to the neighborhood. Listen, it's Christmas Eve and we're hanging out here and we're having it's a real party atmosphere even though it's just two of us in one room.

[Doug]

Well, soon to be joined by another.

[Mitch Silpa]

That's true. Once he's finished with the Gingerbread spiral.

[Doug]

Oh, I'm talking about our guest.

[Mitch Silpa]

Oh, you know what, Joan? Good catch.

[Doug]

Thank you.

[Mitch Silpa]

We do have a guest here and what we do on the show is we scour the neighborhap, the social networking application for neighborhoods, and we look for some of our neighbors who have something interesting to say and we invite them on the show show to say more. And this episode is no different. But let me tell you something. If you see a post that perhaps we've missed on the neighborhood, why don't you screenshot it and send it to [e-mail]. we've got a lot of great submissions and we really appreciate that from our listeners. We never say fans.

[Doug]

We're careful not to.

[Mitch Silpa]

We're careful not to say fans. We do know that we have listeners, we do not know if we have fans. So thank you for that. And this guest is here with us now. Joan, would you like to read the post?

[Doug]

Yes. This comes from Ray. It says, hi, neighbors. Just wondering where a 62 year old man can find love these days. He has a great big heart, very honest and loving. He's not well off financially, but never lets a woman pay for anything. Any single places he can go to in dignity falls. Thank you. And I believe with us here today is Ray.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hi.

[Doug]

Who wrote this post about this purse? A person.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Doug]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He.

[Doug]

He. It is about. Who is it about?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's my husband.

[Doug]

What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Doug]

Wait a minute.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Just follow along.

[Doug]

Okay. We're gonna try. Right?

[Mitch Silpa]

I'm getting ready to follow along.

[Doug]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let's strap in. And Merry Christmas.

[Mitch Silpa]

Oh, what's up? Merry m. Christmas.

[Doug]

Thanks for coming on the Christmas Eve.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I've gotta solve this before Christmas.

[Doug]

Really? Oh, wow. This sounds like a Christmas emergency.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a Christmas miracle.

[Doug]

Oh, hopefully.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And your house looks wonderful.

[Doug]

Oh, thank you so much. I really do go a little crazy with all the decorations.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hmm. A few martoonies. That's what you call it, right?

[Mitch Silpa]

That's right.

[Doug]

Oh, yeah. My merry martoonies. Would you like one?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, why not?

[Doug]

Here you go.

[Mitch Silpa]

Right down the hatch.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why? Drink slowly is my motto.

[Doug]

Okay. You're gonna be fun. I can tell.

[Mitch Silpa]

I am fun.

[Doug]

All right, so why in the world are you talking about your husband?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

My husband and I have been married for a good 35 years.

[Doug]

Okay. Can I ask what is his name?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

My name is Ra.

[Mitch Silpa]

Right, We've established that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Riff. Hips.

[Doug]

Oh, okay.

[Mitch Silpa]

Last name. We don't usually do last names.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

My name is Rip Ray.

[Doug]

That's not my last name. What's your husband's name?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

My is. Is Brend.

[Doug]

Is Brend.

[Mitch Silpa]

Brend. B, R, E, N, D. Yes. Like Brenda with no A.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Exactly.

[Mitch Silpa]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That was actually when he came up to me. He said, hello, my name is Brenda. Like Brenda without an A. Oh.

[Mitch Silpa]

Oh, this is how you met? Where were you when you met?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, we were at a movie theater.

[Doug]

Okay.

[Mitch Silpa]

Oh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I was working at the concession stand.

[Mitch Silpa]

Oh, okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He came up to me and he just introduced himself. He said, my name is Brend. Wow. Like Brenda without an A. And I responded as you would. Like Brenda Vaccaro.

[Doug]

Of course.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

As you would I almost said that. And he said, exactly.

[Doug]

Oh, and that's how you knew it was meant to be? Probably.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, it was the beginning of something.

[Doug]

Sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I gave him a free popcorn.

[Doug]

How sweet.

[Mitch Silpa]

What size?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Large. My man eats large or he doesn't eat at all.

[Mitch Silpa]

So he waited in line to just meet you?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. It was a long line.

[Mitch Silpa]

Wow. Wow.

[Doug]

But do you think he was gonna order anything?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Anyway, I was very curious what he was gonna get. And, well, he got popcorn for free. I actually never found out what he was gonna order. All these years, I never found out.

[Doug]

But I like the idea that he stayed in line only to say hi to you, not even get any.

[Mitch Silpa]

That sounds like that.

[Doug]

I like that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It was a double feature.

[Doug]

Oh, of what?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They were. We were re showing Jaws.

[Mitch Silpa]

Okay, sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Of course. And piranha.

[Mitch Silpa]

Wow.

[Doug]

The 3D one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What else was there? Joan, you have to have piranha.

[Mitch Silpa]

Silly question.

[Doug]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If piranha aren't swimming at your in your face while you're in the movie theater, it's not worth seeing.

[Mitch Silpa]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Jaws and Gene Shallot's review said that if a piranha isn't swimming in your face, it's not worth seeing.

[Doug]

It sounds like something he'd say.

[Mitch Silpa]

Do we know if he's still alive?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't.

[Doug]

I don't know.

[Mitch Silpa]

You don't think so?

[Doug]

I don't think he is.

[Mitch Silpa]

I sort of think he still is.

[Doug]

Okay, I get him confused with Michael Musto.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, yeah. It's the hair.

[Doug]

I think so.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's critics with hair.

[Doug]

Yeah, critics with hair.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Critics with crazy hair.

[Mitch Silpa]

I think of Michael Musselmore as a weird shirt guy.

[Doug]

Oh, really?

[Mitch Silpa]

He always. He always has a very busy shirt on.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think of Bruce Fledge as the word shirt guy.

[Mitch Silpa]

Well, because he has the T shirts.

[Doug]

The famous T shirt collection is looking this stuff up. Babe, is Gene Shallot.

[Mitch Silpa]

We have an update on Gene Shallot.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I can't wait.

[Doug]

This is my husband. He's in a different room.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So many husbands.

[Nicole Parker]

Hello.

[Doug]

Hi.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

In the different room.

[Nicole Parker]

Come down to the staircase when you're done.

[Doug]

Oh, he's making a gingerbread staircase. You don't have to. I don't. He hasn't thought it through.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I love staircases.

[Mitch Silpa]

Babe, have you seen the Staircase?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Have I seen. Have I seen what?

[Mitch Silpa]

The Staircase.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, the movie.

[Mitch Silpa]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No.

[Mitch Silpa]

Might change your mind about staircases and owls. And owls.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Just like Harry Potter, Staircases and owls.

[Doug]

Oh, that's right. That's right.

[Mitch Silpa]

Gene Shaller based on the staircase.

[Doug]

So, wait, is Gene Shallow or not?

[Nicole Parker]

98 years young.

[Doug]

You did. You sensed his presence?

[Nicole Parker]

His last name is spelled differently than I thought.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

S H A L I T. Well.

[Nicole Parker]

Differently than I thought.

[Mitch Silpa]

Did you think it was S H A L L O T? Like the food?

[Doug]

Yes, like that, of course.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Or chalet.

[Doug]

But that's a great. Oh, that's a good one. That's a great missed opportunity, though, for, you know, a crit, a food critic in, like, a Pixar movie. Gene Shallot, you know, an opportunity.

[Mitch Silpa]

Miss, that is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That should have been the name in Ratatouille.

[Doug]

Absolutely.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Ratatouille's Ray.

[Doug]

When you're right, you're right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you.

[Doug]

So you my husband.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, that's right, my husband.

[Doug]

But now, tell me, wow, it sounds like you had such a romantic meeting and had some. Why now are you searching for company for him?

[Mitch Silpa]

I would like to know, though. So what happened after? Did he watch both movies?

[Doug]

Oh, good question.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, no, it was the intermission, like, between the films.

[Mitch Silpa]

Sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

With Jaws had just played.

[Mitch Silpa]

Right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Everyone was terrified. Even though they probably most of us saw.

[Doug]

They should be. Yeah. Okay, well, they should be. No, no, they should be aware that they were going to be terrified is what I meant.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They should be. But maybe there was a few people who hadn't seen it could be. But even people who'd seen it could be terrified.

[Doug]

This is true.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You can re. Terrify yourself.

[Doug]

You can re. Terrify. If you can get. Re fired. You can get re. Terrified.

[Mitch Silpa]

That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Anyway, he went back in to see Piranha. I waited with bated breath to see if he was gonna come out and come back up to me because I didn't know anything could have happened. The movie could have displeased him. The popcorn could have gotten lodged in his throat.

[Doug]

Oh, my.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Choked to death. This is the thoughts that were going in my head.

[Doug]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He came out last. He waited for everybody.

[Doug]

He watched all the credits.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. And he said, are you free? I want to take you out for something to eat. And I don't let a lady pay for herself. I said, I'm a man. But I like what you're saying.

[Mitch Silpa]

Can I ask you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Mitch Silpa]

When you're working the concession stand in a movie theater.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Mitch Silpa]

How long do you have to stay there? Because realistically.

[Doug]

Yeah.

[Mitch Silpa]

When everyone goes back, 10 minutes left in the movie, no one's gonna be, you know what I gotta get.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think that's a wonderful question. Thank you. You're welcome.

[Mitch Silpa]

First time we've gotten that from a guest.

[Doug]

Oh, true.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, it's Also, like, you'd be surprised how many me that it depends on the manager. But at the theater I worked at, we were not allowed to leave until the last guest left because on their.

[Mitch Silpa]

Way out they might say, can I get a refill?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Mitch Silpa]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And there's they. How angry are you and I when.

[Mitch Silpa]

You leave all the time?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's great. I think anger can. What?

[Doug]

No, nothing. Go on.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Anger can motivate. Jean Shallard also said that anger does.

[Mitch Silpa]

Lead to fear and fear does lead to the dark side.

[Doug]

Oh, it is true. We should also point out that this clearly was not the other movie theater that we have at Dignity Falls, where you would definitely not be allowed to get a refill to take out. Because you must consume every single drink and snack before you leave. Before you leave. And if you just don't want to do that, you can pour it on yourself.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You can wear it out.

[Doug]

You can wear it out. That is an option.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, this theater that I worked at is gone. It burned to the ground.

[Doug]

Oh, is that what I remember hearing about.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Remember?

[Doug]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The Ringo theater.

[Doug]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Burned to the ground.

[Mitch Silpa]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's really sad we never found out who did it.

[Doug]

Oh, really?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No. How strange.

[Doug]

How mysterious.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There were rumors that it was the other movie theater. Never proven.

[Mitch Silpa]

Never proven.

[Doug]

I've never seen Burt's mouth open that wide. I was like in like an ellipse. Like an ellipse. Like a Christmas miracle.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a Christmas miracle.

[Doug]

Just like my husband. So what do you do? You just. You went and got a meal after this?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We got a meal. He paid. Like he said.

[Doug]

Like he said. Why do you think he thought you were a lady?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think it was a phrase.

[Doug]

Just a turn of phrase.

[Mitch Silpa]

Just a turn of phrase.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He'd gotten used to trying to be charming. I never let a lady pay and it was charming. Believe you me.

[Mitch Silpa]

You were charmed.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I was. We went to Coco's.

[Doug]

Coco's. Great. Love it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It was the mid-80s, right?

[Mitch Silpa]

This is the chocolate milk restaurant.

[Doug]

Yes. Because we don't have a cocoa's. But this is C O. C O A. Yes. Yes. Because we don't have a normal cocoa.

[Mitch Silpa]

It's all hot chocolate and chocolate chocolate.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Milk and mushroom burgers.

[Doug]

And mushroom burgers.

[Mitch Silpa]

That's all you could get.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All you endless mushroom burger.

[Mitch Silpa]

As many as you want.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's all like in a salad bar. They're all underneath a salad bar in heat lamps. You take your mushroom burger.

[Mitch Silpa]

That's right. They're all exactly the same.

[Doug]

They're all the same. Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's the.

[Doug]

And then you just wash that mushroom burger down with chocolate milk. Nothing like that.

[Mitch Silpa]

Or hot chocolate.

[Doug]

Or hot chocolate.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Mouth is drooling.

[Doug]

Well, you know what I like to do? I used to like to dunk my mushroom burger in the hot chocolate.

[Mitch Silpa]

Oh, absolutely. Of course, you haven't lived.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You haven't. And if sometimes some mushrooms fall off the burger and float around in the chocolate, who cares?

[Doug]

Even better.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Because then there's chunks of surprises.

[Doug]

Yeah, chunks of chunks of surprises.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Healthy chunks of surprises.

[Mitch Silpa]

What they do cook coats. It's not a big, big, like portobello mushroom. No, it is a bunch of little mushrooms squeezed together.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No fight for their lives. These mushrooms squeeze together. Please don't eat.

[Nicole Parker]

What I like is on the. On the bun. They poke little mushrooms coming out of the bun so it looks like it's growing mushrooms.

[Doug]

Yes. Doug loves that part.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's a great thing to love.

[Doug]

So you went to cocoa business when.

[Mitch Silpa]

The last of us was on.

[Nicole Parker]

I always say I'll have one with no mushrooms. And they get.

[Doug]

I guess that's the worst dad joke ever. The worst dad joke ever.

[Mitch Silpa]

Hold the mushrooms.

[Nicole Parker]

Try it next time.

[Doug]

Mushrooms. Okay. So please. Sorry. Jay, tell us about. So you went to Coco's, one of those situations where you just talked and talked and talked.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, absolutely. We didn't, you know, because that Coco's.

[Doug]

Is open 24 hours.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

24 hours, yes. We stayed there for a good three weeks talking.

[Doug]

It is the only restaurant that has a shower in it for that reason.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And we really used it.

[Mitch Silpa]

That's true.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We really. You. Can I be honest?

[Mitch Silpa]

People had hoped it used to run Truck Stop. They just thought it was part of what you had to have.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sometimes we went in. At first we went in individually and used the showers. Then we started taking the showers.

[Doug]

Oh, okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I like that. We had to leave. And then I moved into his place.

[Doug]

After three weeks. That's fast.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We knew when we knew.

[Doug]

You knew and you knew.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We knew and we knew.

[Doug]

Okay. We knew and we knew.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Knew and you knew.

[Doug]

What do you do for a living? And what does he do for a living?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I don't do anything right now. He's willing to take care of me.

[Doug]

So you haven't gotten a job since the movie theater?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Not since the movie theater. But I might have to start looking for one.

[Doug]

Okay. And what is. What is he. Okay. What is he doing?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I'm sorry. You're going to ask the question I was answering.

[Doug]

I'm so sorry. I was being rude.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He. Oh, not at all. You're being inquisitive.

[Doug]

Okay. Thank you for that, James.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, my gosh, it's Christmas. Let's give each other benefits.

[Doug]

Let's give each other grace, please.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Grace.

[Doug]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Benefit of the doubts.

[Mitch Silpa]

Friends with benefits of the doubts.

[Doug]

Not like insurance, babe. And I know you're confused.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. Brand. I'm sorry? Brand repairs window glasses in Volvos.

[Mitch Silpa]

Window glasses involved.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like the glasses. The glasses.

[Mitch Silpa]

So if. If your class breaks, you have a Volvo and. And the. The glass of the window has broken or cracked. Or cracked.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Or you're just bored. You want a new window.

[Mitch Silpa]

New windows. Yeah. He will install those.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Ah, absolutely.

[Doug]

Volvo repair. Volvo replacement.

[Mitch Silpa]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There's, you know, the Vol. There's. Volvo is the most popular car in the.

[Doug]

Oh, it sure is. It's one of the safest. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I meant indignity falls.

[Doug]

Oh, sure. IND falls. Right. Well, because it replaced it. It finally overtook the. The Ford Foundation. The Ford foundation, which was the car market exclusively to children. And that was the top car for a very long time. But then. Yes.

[Mitch Silpa]

Even though it was illegal to own one.

[Doug]

Yep. But. Okay, so that's a very cool job.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Doesn't make a ton of money, but it's.

[Doug]

You said.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I would.

[Doug]

I personally love a Volvo. They're very, very well made.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

His company's called Brand's Glass.

[Doug]

Oh, Brand or Brend.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Brand.

[Doug]

Oh, his name is Brend.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

His name is Bren. But when he filed his paperwork, there was a misspelling.

[Mitch Silpa]

Oh, no.

[Nicole Parker]

They ran out of vowels.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They ran out of a vowel.

[Doug]

Not like it's Wheel of Fortune isn't everything, but.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So it's Brad's Glass.

[Doug]

Brad's Glass.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I. I don't know if you remember the commercial. Oh, I was the one who sang the jingle.

[Mitch Silpa]

Oh, oh, could you do. I'd love to hear it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Bran's glass. Did it break Bran's glass? Goodness sake. He's gonna fix it. Ho ho. You're gonna fix your Volvo. Brand's Glass.

[Mitch Silpa]

Oh, I love that. It's nice to hear that again. It's been such a long time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, sweet.

[Doug]

That's right. It was like three little animated fairies, and they're just, you know, like their little wands are fixing the glass. And then there was sort of like a cartoon character of. I guess is I. Now I'm learning. Is Brent right? Yeah, Brent, right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The one with the mustache.

[Doug]

Yes, the one with the mustache.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Huge mustache.

[Doug]

Yeah, huge mustache.

[Mitch Silpa]

I remember that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It was.

[Mitch Silpa]

There was something that was. I. I used to. I was fascinated by that commercial. When I was younger, because I remember the very realistic cartoon Devil that breaks the glass was so scary.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. There was a lot of discussion about that.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, he had a penis.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Penis, Yes. A large penis to match it. We needed something to. We. Can I explain why?

[Mitch Silpa]

Oh, please.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We needed. There was something so upsetting and off base about his mustache, my husband's mustache, that we needed something to counterbalance that. So the devil's penis is the exact size, if you measure it, of his mustache. Wow. And it makes you feel balanced.

[Mitch Silpa]

Yeah, I guess I never thought of his mustache as being upsetting, but in comparison to that, very realistic.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Take away the devil's penis and you will be upset by the mustache. They always say a devil's penis is a big mustache.

[Mitch Silpa]

Scratch a. A bad mustache, you'll find the devil's penis.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The Omen 3.

[Doug]

Goodness gracious.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow, wow, wow.

[Doug]

Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

Anyway, it's such a happy sounding commercial.

[Doug]

But that's why you mentioned at the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

End, because the devil is the creature that breaks your glass. I broke your glass with his penis.

[Mitch Silpa]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He was fun. Those were fun days where you could do anything.

[Mitch Silpa]

I remember the devil smashes the window with his penis. He says, I will make your Christ drink my piss.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That was my pitch. That was my pitch. I didn't think it would get in, but, you know, it did.

[Nicole Parker]

A little word bubble.

[Doug]

It's really hot in here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like the devil.

[Mitch Silpa]

Like the devil.

[Doug]

Like the devil. Oh, wow. Okay. That was a real tangent back to Christmas.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So we lived together.

[Doug]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a good 35 years.

[Mitch Silpa]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So somewhere around Valentine's Day, we were sipping sherry, as we do, and he said to me, is that a tradition.

[Mitch Silpa]

That you have, valet sherry?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Isn't that a common Valentine's Day tradition, sipping sherry?

[Doug]

Sure, why not? I mean, a little. A little nutcap. A little sweet.

[Mitch Silpa]

I'm not saying it can't be. I'm just saying it's right before bed.

[Doug]

Fair enough.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's right before bed we have our nighttime show.

[Doug]

Love it.

[Mitch Silpa]

Nice.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you.

[Mitch Silpa]

Adorable. Very charming.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And he said to me, ray, I have a confession to make. It's been on my mind for a while.

[Mitch Silpa]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I would like to try being with a woman.

[Mitch Silpa]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I was shocked.

[Doug]

Wow.

[Mitch Silpa]

It's a long time to keep that secret.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Mitch Silpa]

Shocked, shocked, shocked.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm still shocked.

[Mitch Silpa]

It's shocking.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a very shocking thing to hear from your husband.

[Mitch Silpa]

So is this something that he'd been wanting to do the whole time you were together and never told you?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No.

[Mitch Silpa]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It was just the Year before he saw Kate Winslet in Mayor of East Town.

[Doug]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Found her very attractive.

[Doug]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And said he wanted to find his own owned. Mayor of East. Her name was Mayor.

[Doug]

Oh, yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She wasn't the mayor.

[Mitch Silpa]

No, she wasn't the mayor. It was a fun play on.

[Doug]

Her name was Mayor. Yeah. But not the mayor. And I wrote a couple songs. They're on Tick Tock.

[Mitch Silpa]

They're on TikTok.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

About Mayor.

[Mitch Silpa]

She wanted to turn into a musical.

[Doug]

I thought. I thought it really. I thought that the project really sang. I really did.

[Nicole Parker]

Sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I would see it.

[Doug]

Yeah. Well, thank you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'd sell concessions in it.

[Doug]

Oh, that would be great.

[Mitch Silpa]

In it, you'd come out of retirement.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I would come out of. I've got to start working again.

[Doug]

You definitely do.

[Mitch Silpa]

Yeah. You just.

[Doug]

Because you just said that he doesn't make much.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Look, I don't know if this is going to last, but I want him to get it. I wanted to sew his oats on this.

[Doug]

So you're truly in support of this. This is kind of amazing. Are you setting some ground rules?

[Mitch Silpa]

We have to get to that. But we did miss part. So you're. You're having the sherry and he says that you're having a sherry right before bed on Valentine's Day.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I was taking off my clothes.

[Mitch Silpa]

Right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Getting in. Into my nighttime clothes, of course.

[Doug]

Can I ask what your nighttime clothes are?

[Mitch Silpa]

Do you mean pajamas?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What?

[Doug]

Well, that's why I asked.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, is that what they're called?

[Doug]

Oh, wow. Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The clothes you wear to bed, they're called what?

[Mitch Silpa]

Pajamas.

[Doug]

Pajamas. Pajamas.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They had the matching, like, pants and button down.

[Doug]

Sure.

[Mitch Silpa]

Top. Yeah. Pajamas.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Pajamas.

[Doug]

Oh, wow. He can't even actually pronounce it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Pajamas.

[Doug]

This is interesting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I've never heard this word before.

[Mitch Silpa]

P, A, J, A M, A M, S. Pajamas.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Pajamas.

[Doug]

Oh, it's closer.

[Mitch Silpa]

Yeah.

[Doug]

Closer.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Interesting.

[Doug]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You learn something new every day. I just called it my nighttime. That's what my parents called it. Put on your nighttime clothes or you're not going to wake up in the morning.

[Doug]

Wow. It's dark.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Anyway, I was putting. I was putting on my pa.

[Doug]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And he. He just says this to me. I mean, I was so shocked. I was putting on the bottoms of my pajamas.

[Mitch Silpa]

Start there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I dropped them.

[Doug]

Oh, my.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like a comedy movie.

[Doug]

Oh, gosh. It was a real pajama dropper.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. And I said, what do you mean? And he says, this has been in my mind for a year and I'd like to try this. I love you, but I need to get this out of me. Wow. Well, it's now Christmas time.

[Doug]

Yeah, almost.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, tomorrow.

[Doug]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And we've not acted on.

[Mitch Silpa]

I think we could say it's Christmas.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Time and it's time that we.

[Doug]

It's been Christmas time since late August.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Cause I said to him, here's the deal. You can be with a woman, but it has to be by Christmas.

[Doug]

Oh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Otherwise I'm leaving.

[Doug]

Wow. So we're really putting out a call here right now.

[Mitch Silpa]

I guess there's something very Hallmarkian about this.

[Doug]

It is. Very much so, yes. So he put this off.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm not sure if he wants to do this. That's the thing.

[Doug]

Oh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Cause I feel like when you told.

[Doug]

Him, did he seem apprehensive?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, he said, all right. But he hasn't acted on it. He's a very.

[Doug]

I think he is. He might be a little nervous.

[Mitch Silpa]

Wait, let me ask you something.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Mitch Silpa]

Because I'm rereading your post.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, please tell me what I wrote.

[Mitch Silpa]

He's not well off financially, but never lets a woman pay for anything. He has a great big heart, very honest and loving. Oh, I'm sorry. Here, it's the first sentence. Heiney was just wondering where a 62 year old man can find love these days.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Mitch Silpa]

So is he looking for a relationship?

[Doug]

Yeah, because that does make it sound. That makes it sound like more than just a one off.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know, he says that he's looking for. For love in a woman. And I'm. Look, I'm just. I want to know if this is what he wants. So. Yes, I want. If this is what he's saying. I want him to have the experience of finding love in a woman. That's why I wrote that.

[Doug]

Okay, is this confusing?

[Mitch Silpa]

It is.

[Doug]

It just seems like a little intense just to even use the word love. I wonder, like, are you gonna be protected? You know, when. You know what I realize?

[Mitch Silpa]

You can't. On the neighborhood. You can't say, I'm looking to have sex.

[Doug]

Oh, I don't think he's. Is he really? Actually, just look. Is that what this is?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, let's find out.

[Doug]

How do we do that?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He wants to be with a woman is what he said.

[Mitch Silpa]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think that means sad.

[Doug]

Oh, okay. So not love. He wants to biblically be with a woman.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure.

[Doug]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You have that experience and if he falls in love, what can I do?

[Doug]

Oh, well, but that makes me sad for you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It makes me sad for me, but I can't hold on to something and make him stay.

[Doug]

This is a real. If you Love something, Let it go situation.

[Mitch Silpa]

Yes. Yeah. Sting.

[Doug]

Let it go. Let it go. Have sex with a woman.

[Mitch Silpa]

Let me ask you, how likely do you think it is after the two of you being together for. Did you say 35 years?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

35 ish years.

[Doug]

And.

[Mitch Silpa]

And the fact that he met you by just seeing you behind a concession stand or movie theater.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Mitch Silpa]

Instantly walked up, wanted to meet you, asked you out for dinner, then you spend three weeks at Coco's, move in together. Magical together.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Magical weeks.

[Doug]

Magical weeks.

[Mitch Silpa]

Do you think that he might all of a sudden start a new relationship with someone else?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who knows? I hope not. I don't know what I'm gonna do, okay. But I need him to get this out of his system.

[Mitch Silpa]

All right, but now let's talk about the ground rules thing, because I think that would be very. You know, anytime you're gonna stray outside of your marriage, you have to have those ground rules.

[Doug]

Have to have those ground rules.

[Mitch Silpa]

And let me tell you something. They always work.

[Doug]

Do they?

[Mitch Silpa]

Everyone always adheres to them.

[Doug]

It's never a problem.

[Mitch Silpa]

Never a problem.

[Doug]

Never gets messy or complicated.

[Mitch Silpa]

Never.

[Doug]

Wow, I heard that.

[Mitch Silpa]

As long as you stick to the rules.

[Doug]

As long as you stick to the rules. That's the trick. So do you have any ground rules? And what is he allowed to do? What is he not to do? What? Are there any things that you said, you can do this. You can't do this. I want to know about Blank.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Number one. Number one, you have to tell me everything that happened. I need to know everything that happens. I need to be in the loop. I'm being very supportive of you. You need to tell me everything that happens. Everything that. Everything that gets said, everything that gets touched, everything that gets felt. Oh, that's number one.

[Doug]

Okay.

[Mitch Silpa]

And touches are different than feeling.

[Doug]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Feelings inside.

[Mitch Silpa]

Oh, feelings inside. I thought you meant the difference between someone in the knee and then rubbing the knee.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, that's number one ground rule.

[Mitch Silpa]

And I do remember that song.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, yes. Everything else is just like, I guess I'm being bad about this, but, like, just kind of figuring out as we go.

[Doug]

Well, but ground rules also fall into what the ground rules should be between him and her. Right. And is. Is she prepared to just, you know, what happens if she falls in love but he doesn't? Or, like, you know, is it gonna be, like, we're gonna decide immediately after this if we're never gonna hang out again or. I have boundaries, you know, boundaries are what you really need in this kind of situation. That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right. Well, he's definitely gotta tell her the situation with me and him, that this is what's going on.

[Mitch Silpa]

It's only right.

[Doug]

Absolutely.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's only right.

[Doug]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I guess what happens after that? If she's okay with it or, like, look, if he leaves me for her, what am I gonna do?

[Mitch Silpa]

Yeah. Let me ask you this, Ray. Is there any part of this arrangement that also opens things up for you as well? Well, I guess just a one way street.

[Doug]

Did you ever have inclinations of that same kind, like, oh, it'd be a what if situation.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I've only ever loved him.

[Doug]

Oh, this is kind of heartbreaking.

[Mitch Silpa]

Well, yeah, it is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Mitch Silpa]

That's a bummer, Joan. That's a bummer.

[Doug]

Well, but here, let me say. Let me say. When did you put this. Hang on, Bern. Let's see what. Let's, let's. Let's. Hang on, hang on.

[Mitch Silpa]

I don't think we should bail. We gotta turn around.

[Doug]

When you. When did you put out this post?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can I be honest about one thing, though?

[Doug]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I've always had a thing for Hugh Jackman.

[Mitch Silpa]

Sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So if he came along, I'd be fine with that.

[Mitch Silpa]

I was like the hall pass sort of situation.

[Doug]

Hall pass.

[Mitch Silpa]

Oh, you know what that is? But Pajamas was doing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wait, it's Pajamas. Pajamas.

[Doug]

It's just this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Am I saying that one blind spot.

[Doug]

Not really. Not yet. You're very close, though. You're giving. You're giving the J way too much attention. Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So it's the M. I should be hitting.

[Doug]

It's. It's the pajama. Pajamas.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Pajamas. Pajamas.

[Doug]

Well, that makes me sound like I talk like a real weirdo.

[Mitch Silpa]

That sounds insulting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Pajamas.

[Doug]

All right. I didn't sound quite like that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm trying to get it right.

[Doug]

Pajamas.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Pajamas.

[Doug]

I did not do that at all. We are getting into semantics here. Now, listen, here's what I want to ask. What? How long ago did you put this post out?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I put this out three weeks ago.

[Doug]

Okay, well, here's. Now, listen, three weeks is a theme in my life.

[Mitch Silpa]

You have this conversation, Valentine's Day, and then the deadline is Christmas.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I know, right?

[Doug]

But I. I guess you were really hoping it would happen around Christmas, just like a movie. So you may really be.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I was hoping this wasn't gonna happen.

[Mitch Silpa]

Right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I just am pushing the issue. It's like, it's gotta happen by Christmas.

[Doug]

So I'll just. Let me just say this. Maybe first of all, if no woman has responded, maybe this is a sign and it's meant to be and Maybe Brend will also see. Oh, well, I meant to be with you and only you. You know, if he'd received a flood, I'm assuming you have received no takers yet, right? Cause you wouldn't be here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We've received one.

[Doug]

Oh, well, who is this?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Her name was Virginia.

[Doug]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And he just didn't like her. He said no to her.

[Doug]

And what did she send in terms of, you know, like stats or whatever to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She said.

[Mitch Silpa]

What were her numbers?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You mean her age? Things like that?

[Doug]

Batting average, you know?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. She was 47.

[Doug]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She was recently divorced.

[Doug]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She said she was very angry.

[Doug]

Oh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And she said, she says really not.

[Doug]

Interested in someone dating. She said she would never have said share that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She wants a man who will give her a massage whenever she wants it or demands it.

[Doug]

Oh, wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She has no tolerance for anybody who cannot say words correctly with the letters P, F, or L in it. She doesn't like fish or aquariums. And we love those.

[Doug]

Oh, you do?

[Mitch Silpa]

Because you think somebody says they don't like fish and you think, yeah.

[Doug]

Oh, they don't want to eat fish. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then we met.

[Nicole Parker]

You love fish or Aquarius.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We met when there were two movies about fishes.

[Doug]

Yes, that's true. Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Fish is a shark and a piranha. Yes.

[Doug]

So she really set herself up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. She had a list. It was. It was all things she hated. It was not one thing that she liked.

[Mitch Silpa]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So we learned a lot about her that way.

[Doug]

Sounds like Jay might have, like, had set that post anonymously just to sort of, like, you know, at least.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sorry, I was gonna say. Who's Jay?

[Doug]

I'm so sorry, Jay. I meant to say. No, Ray, I'm sorry, Ray. I didn't mean to say Jay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Jay is actually my middle name.

[Nicole Parker]

You're thinking of pajamas.

[Mitch Silpa]

Is that true?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Ray J. Ray J.

[Doug]

But I was going to call me Ray.

[Mitch Silpa]

You could call me. Oh, you could call now. That man must be dead.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. I bet Gene Shallot buried him.

[Doug]

Here's what I wanted to say.

[Mitch Silpa]

We say goodbye to a legend. That was really good dirt on the coffin.

[Doug]

It's a raging challenge. It sounds almost like something that Ray would make up, you know, just to be like, well, see, here's a. Here's one. But then just make her so unappealing.

[Mitch Silpa]

Let's ask him directly.

[Doug]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Ray, we have a question for you. I heard everything you said.

[Mitch Silpa]

Oh, no.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And yes, I made it up.

[Mitch Silpa]

I knew it.

[Doug]

I knew it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can I. I don't want this to happen.

[Doug]

I know, but what happened did he get dejected when that happened? Did you get. Did you hear from anybody else? Anyone real.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Doug]

Who?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It doesn't matter. Cause I threw him all away.

[Doug]

You threw him all away?

[Mitch Silpa]

So there were more than one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

More women, but they actually sent letters.

[Doug]

These weren't just comments underneath the post?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No.

[Doug]

What'd you throw away?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Letters.

[Doug]

So people sent letters.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Letters.

[Doug]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Mailed to our house.

[Doug]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I threw them.

[Doug]

And did you read any of them?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Doug]

What did they. What did they say?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They seemed like lovely women.

[Doug]

Oh. No.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

One was a nun who didn't want to be a nun anymore.

[Doug]

Okay.

[Mitch Silpa]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There were three school teachers. They were lovely.

[Doug]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There was a woman. Oh. A woman named Caress who worked at. Caress who worked.

[Mitch Silpa]

That's a beautiful name. Caress.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. And she worked at a factory that made tropes. Trophies for people who needed them were going through difficult times and just needed something. A trophy. So they were winners. They could feel like, you know, they.

[Doug]

Probably give those out at the meetings of the group. People going through tough times that our last previous guest had. And I bet you that they use that service a lot.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Anyway.

[Doug]

Trophies for people who.

[Nicole Parker]

Giving a golden. Golden Glove. The golden glove trophy to a child.

[Mitch Silpa]

I never thought of a trophy. A factory that makes trophies specifically so specific. A trophy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, it's not for like I would.

[Doug]

Almost say, or maybe I'd almost say they're not specific. They are just a generic trophy that.

[Mitch Silpa]

Gives you, I would imagine, the place that makes the. The baseball trophy also makes the tennis trophy. Do you know what I mean? Just people specific them. They're going through a hard time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Time.

[Doug]

Yep.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right.

[Doug]

I won't lie. I wouldn't mind a trophy every once in a while.

[Mitch Silpa]

Sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hanging there. Trophy with the cat.

[Mitch Silpa]

Oh, sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Whatever you need.

[Mitch Silpa]

Do you remember that little figurine that said I love you this much? A trophy.

[Doug]

Yeah. I mean, you could turn it into.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A train if you made it into a trophy. That figure, to answer your question, that.

[Mitch Silpa]

Was a spray of gold.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It was a figurine, not a trophy.

[Doug]

Oh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And there is a difference. Don't you think?

[Doug]

I understand? Although I'm not sure this is the most important thing about why you're here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, but it's an interesting side topic.

[Nicole Parker]

Of course, that was the original lyrics. Isn't it ironic? Isn't it a trophy? Don't you think?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, isn't it a trophy?

[Mitch Silpa]

You sure about that one?

[Nicole Parker]

Like the Lisa Loeb song.

[Doug]

So what happened is people actually wrote to. To Brend and yes. Even though he doesn't know, but I put.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I put. It was a P.O. box, so please send us to this P.O. box.

[Mitch Silpa]

Okay.

[Doug]

He doesn't know that you got rid of all these letters. And what's the movie where that happens? Where, like, the mom doesn't let you see into the letters or the Notebook? Is that what it is?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think, yeah.

[Doug]

All the letters that never got to the doctor.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I feel like that's a few movies.

[Mitch Silpa]

A lot on this.

[Doug]

I think it's only been twice.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did Joan Allen hit the letters?

[Doug]

Is it really?

[Mitch Silpa]

Yes, it has.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think Joan Allen hid the letters from Rachel McAdams, so.

[Doug]

And that was heartbreaking, Right? How'd you feel watching that?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, so heartbroken.

[Doug]

Sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So maybe they cried in the rain. Remember that scene?

[Doug]

That's the only thing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's not over. It's never been over. And then they died together.

[Doug]

They did.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They became James Garner and Gina Rollins, and then they died together at the same time.

[Doug]

Yeah.

[Mitch Silpa]

Is that true? At the end of the movie, they.

[Doug]

Died together at the same time?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Spoiler alert.

[Mitch Silpa]

It's fine. I mean, the movie's been out for a while, right?

[Doug]

You know, I think you might have.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Jaws dies at the end too, I heard. Yes, but then comes back in another form in Jaws 2. Jaws 2. Still pissed off again.

[Doug]

You're doing a very good job of.

[Mitch Silpa]

Of.

[Doug]

Of getting off of the topic.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sor.

[Doug]

Off it. No, it's okay. It's just that I think that we have to talk about the hard truth, which is you might need to come clean and tell Brenda's. Because this is kind of a big deal, you know, you said you were going to do this for him. You said you were fine with it. He's over there thinking no one's interested because that was effect. Come on, who doesn't want to meet that guy? What a fabulous post you wrote for him.

[Mitch Silpa]

You never have to.

[Doug]

Not really financially. Well off, you know, 62.

[Mitch Silpa]

What tiny amount of money.

[Doug]

This guy's a catch. And he's thinking no one wants. And. And. And yet people were interested. And that's. You know, I think you should at least give him the gift of knowing that he still had it.

[Mitch Silpa]

I hate to invoke the nuclear option here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, Ray.

[Mitch Silpa]

But at Christmas, you tell the truth.

[Doug]

That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Actually, love. Love. Actually. Actually love.

[Mitch Silpa]

That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yoda.

[Mitch Silpa]

Did you say Yolo?

[Doug]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, is that how Yoda would say it?

[Nicole Parker]

I believe so, actually, no.

[Doug]

Oh, wow.

[Mitch Silpa]

That was very good.

[Doug]

That was really good. Very impressed.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, you do, Gene.

[Nicole Parker]

That's what he Would say if he was covering his bases, we should do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A show called Charlotte and Yoda.

[Mitch Silpa]

We absolutely should. No, I'm not a performer. Joan is a performer.

[Doug]

No, no, I'm not.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm not a performer. I just sell concessions. But we do do a really good impersonation to waste it. Doggone shame.

[Doug]

I think. No, no.

[Mitch Silpa]

What are you doing here?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Here I am standing next to you.

[Mitch Silpa]

I am.

[Doug]

Both of you, stop this. We have work to do. I was Joan Allen.

[Mitch Silpa]

Oh, that was perfect.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That was a great joke.

[Mitch Silpa]

I thought she'd walked into the room.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I really got startled. I was like, I haven't seen Joan Allen.

[Mitch Silpa]

Signature line of dialogue. Both of you, stop it.

[Doug]

We have work to do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And everything. She says that in everything. Contract. She said it in the Contender.

[Doug]

She said Identity Born, whatever it was.

[Mitch Silpa]

Movie where the IRA killed her or whatever.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She said it in Face Off.

[Doug]

Definitely said it in Face Off.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why am I blanking on the Daniel Day Lewis movie?

[Doug]

She was trying to. Daniel Day Lewis movie In the Name of the Father.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, the Lincoln.

[Mitch Silpa]

New York.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Arthur Miller.

[Mitch Silpa]

The Crucible.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's it. She said it in the Crucible. I think of the Crucible.

[Mitch Silpa]

She said it's all the goodies.

[Doug]

That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She said it.

[Doug]

All the goodies.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Perfect. She said it as she was spitting in Winona Rider's face.

[Doug]

That's true.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Spitting in her face.

[Mitch Silpa]

That was suggested to me as a Halloween movie by a streaming platform.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Because they're in costumes.

[Mitch Silpa]

Because witches are meant.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, witches. That makes sense.

[Doug]

Everyone knows it was about the McCarthy trials. It was not at all Halloween movie, but. Okay, we really, really keep on getting off topic. Yeah, no, I know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I gotta come clean.

[Doug]

I think it's gonna be a real test of your love for both of you.

[Mitch Silpa]

Would you like to practice what you.

[Doug]

Will say this idea? Okay. I think you should be Brend. Of course you should be Brend.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who are you playing? You're gonna be Joan Allen. Hey, is she our therapist? Joan Allen is the therapist.

[Mitch Silpa]

We're in couples counseling. Joan Allen is the therapist.

[Doug]

All right. All right, Jay, now you have something that you want to say to Brend. Okay, Ms. And Brend, I want you to listen, both of you. We have work to do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you, Ms. Allen.

[Mitch Silpa]

What does Brent sound like?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Go deeper, Brent. Is this Bre. That's perfect.

[Mitch Silpa]

Thank you, Doctor.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You do Gene Salad. We've got two characters for our show. I've got to think of a second one.

[Doug]

Boys, we need to. Come on. Let's not do this. None of this okay, stop this.

[Mitch Silpa]

Sorry, Doctor.

[Doug]

Enough of this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Honey, I have to talk to you and look you right in the eye.

[Mitch Silpa]

Okay?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Come clean about something. Okay. You received a plethora of letters from.

[Mitch Silpa]

Your ad, the one on Neighborhab. About looking for love.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Mitch Silpa]

Not having much money, never letting a.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Woman Pay for Ms. Allen. This is so difficult.

[Doug]

No, you can do it. You've already started the hard part.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

His voice makes me so coco Thorny.

[Doug]

I don't share that or understand it, but I understand that's difficult for you. You need to do this.

[Mitch Silpa]

You've never been cocozorny.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, that's where the shower. That's where the showers are.

[Doug]

This is not about me today.

[Mitch Silpa]

All right? Just keep it honest.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Those letters from various plethora women.

[Mitch Silpa]

Yeah?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I read them and I threw them away. I burned them.

[Doug]

Oh, threw them away.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I threw them away. Took them out and burned them in the fireplace like Hedda Gabler. Does anyone get that?

[Mitch Silpa]

No.

[Doug]

She burns very, very burns. The boring IB I did it at Northwestern.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

People keep telling. Always trying to set it like it's a good play.

[Doug]

And then I did it at Steppenwolf.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Ibsen's boring.

[Doug]

It sure is.

[Mitch Silpa]

We could finally say it right. This is safe space.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's not too late.

[Mitch Silpa]

Doesn't leave this room.

[Doug]

It is a controversial. It's an unpopular opinion for sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She burns the manuscript and says, I'm burning your baby. Doesn't she say that? I'm burning your baby?

[Doug]

I don't remember.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I do.

[Doug]

Come on, you're getting off topic again.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I burned those. I had a Gabler Ed myself on those letters.

[Mitch Silpa]

It sounds like you had a gambler. Me?

[Doug]

Oh, I did.

[Mitch Silpa]

Ray. Why would you?

[Doug]

Ray, you have to let him say what he's feeling.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Go ahead, say what you're feeling. Ms. Allen says, I'm shocked.

[Mitch Silpa]

I'm hurt. I feel betrayed, let down.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, wow.

[Mitch Silpa]

Disappointed. Oh, and sad and angry. So many things happening at once.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is there any nice feeling in there or just those?

[Mitch Silpa]

It's comfortable in this room.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The temperature.

[Mitch Silpa]

Temperature is perfect.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Doug]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you.

[Mitch Silpa]

I'm wearing a jacket, but it's not. I'm not warm and I'm not cold.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'll go with that.

[Mitch Silpa]

I feel like I'm starting to sound like Obama. Well, I'm not trying to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's your third impersonation for our show.

[Doug]

All right, so. And then. And then. And then what you're going to say is, will you still have me knowing all this?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can I riff on what you said.

[Doug]

Or do I have to Say, oh, absolutely. Go ahead and riff. Riff.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

In my own words, knowing what I just said to you.

[Mitch Silpa]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And all the years we've spent together.

[Mitch Silpa]

Yes. Where I very recently said, I want to try this thing, and you agreed.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

To it and dropped my pajamas.

[Mitch Silpa]

Yes, correct.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Would you still have me? Would you still take me? Would you still be with me?

[Mitch Silpa]

I'll tell you something, Ray.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Think of the sherry.

[Mitch Silpa]

This is. I do love the cherry.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Doug]

Good. This is good. Keep going.

[Mitch Silpa]

This isn't easy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I know.

[Mitch Silpa]

And we're gonna have some work ahead of us to repair this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Mitch Silpa]

But of course I still love you. All I wanted to do was love a woman once.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

One. Wait a minute. I didn't realize it was just once. I can handle that.

[Mitch Silpa]

Well, I should say at least once. Like, if I liked it, I would have done it more.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Mitch Silpa]

But I just wanted to try it. And if you didn't want me to do this, you should have said so instead of going along with the scheme.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're right. I know this is.

[Doug]

This is a good exercise, and I'm really deep into this. This is. I feel like I'm teaching a masterclass. But I also want you to know that while it's good to do this and to play this out, the. The. The answers that Burnt is giving might not be the actual answers that that brand is going.

[Mitch Silpa]

Oh, yeah, that's true.

[Doug]

It might end up being very up. Like that. That Nate show. I felt like he made people do this. And Nate Fielder.

[Mitch Silpa]

Nathan Fielder.

[Doug]

Yes.

[Mitch Silpa]

The. The. What was it called?

[Doug]

I don't know.

[Mitch Silpa]

Preparation.

[Doug]

I don't know. It was so strange.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I feel like calling him right now and just doing this and.

[Doug]

Well, do you want to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. You're gonna call Bren right now.

[Doug]

Okay.

[Mitch Silpa]

Let's see.

[Doug]

Let's see if he says all those things word for word or something different.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hold on. Speed dial.

[Mitch Silpa]

Ring a ding.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A ding.

[Doug]

Henna Gobbler shoots herself in the head, by the way.

[Mitch Silpa]

Does she really?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But she burns the thing. And Joan Allen was in. Burn this.

[Doug]

Okay. I'm Joan Allen. I'm right here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, you're still Joan Allen.

[Mitch Silpa]

Oh, you're still Joan Allen.

[Doug]

Oh, sorry, you're right. I'm out of Joan Allen.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hello? Hello? Oh, he's on the phone. I'll put you on speaker.

[Doug]

That's a good idea.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hello? Honey? Hello? It's me.

[Mitch Silpa]

Ray, Hi. Where are you?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm at a. It's not important where I am.

[Mitch Silpa]

It's Christmas Eve.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm coming home.

[Mitch Silpa]

I should hope so.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I have A surprise. I have a Christmas surprise.

[Mitch Silpa]

You found a woman for me to love?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No. I need to come clean about something, and I'm gonna say it really fast and just listen to me right now. You got a lot of letters from a lot of teachers, different women. And I took them, I threw them away, and then I burned them. Like had a Gabler. I need to know if you will still have me.

[Mitch Silpa]

Ray, I have something to tell you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh?

[Mitch Silpa]

I also received a bunch of letters.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What?

[Mitch Silpa]

And I burned them as well.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You did?

[Mitch Silpa]

I don't want to love a woman.

[Doug]

Oh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why did you tell me?

[Mitch Silpa]

Thought I did. And then you were so willing to go along with it. I thought you wanted it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, I didn't. You seem so enchanted by Kate Winslet.

[Mitch Silpa]

Yeah, I don't know why that was the particular project.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know. It was one.

[Mitch Silpa]

No, wait.

[Doug]

This is amazing. Brent, really quickly. My name is Joan Pedestrian. We do a podcast. Or it could also be Joan Allen. If it helps.

[Mitch Silpa]

I was gonna say you sound like Joan Allen.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you, Jonza Jones.

[Doug]

And so I just want to say that I didn't want it to be a surprise that someone here is listening, but I. And there's also someone else named Berndt here.

[Mitch Silpa]

Hi, Brent.

[Doug]

What?

[Mitch Silpa]

I was just saying hi to Brent.

[Doug]

Oh, you were saying hi to Brent. Great. So this is. This is amazing. This is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I feel great, right? Yes.

[Mitch Silpa]

I don't understand anything that's happening.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I will explain it to you tonight after we have our late night. Christmas Eve, Sherry and I will take my clothes off and give it to you real co mushroom style.

[Mitch Silpa]

Tear those night clothes off of you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know what I learned today?

[Doug]

It's their c. Pajamas. She sounds Pajamas. Took a real backslide there since we learned it last.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's been a while.

[Doug]

Oh, wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, that's how I said it.

[Doug]

All of these sound like.

[Mitch Silpa]

Well, you just get your sweet little heiny.

[Doug]

Oh, boy. Well, fellas, I couldn't be happier for you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Mistletoe.

[Doug]

Merry Christmas, Brent.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Find the mistletoe in my hiney.

[Mitch Silpa]

Merry Christmas, Brent.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Merry Christmas to us all and to all a good night.

[Mitch Silpa]

Well, first of all, I want to say how good was my impression of Brent?

[Doug]

I mean, having not met him.

[Mitch Silpa]

Yes, I know. Nailed it.

[Doug]

It sounds.

[Mitch Silpa]

That was good direction, Ray.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm so happy. And I'm really happy. Not only that, but that we have a possible show that we're going to do live because we've developed three. I need to have more.

[Doug]

I'm sure that's going to happen because.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right now, I have got Yoda.

[Mitch Silpa]

You've got Yoda. You do need some more characters.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can I do a Matthew Broderick?

[Mitch Silpa]

I'd love to hear it.

[Doug]

Let's have it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Life moves pretty fast. I'm screwed. I'm really screwed. Crude. Is that good?

[Doug]

That is actually really good.

[Mitch Silpa]

It's perfect.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you. I've got two. I've got to come up with another one.

[Mitch Silpa]

Just one more. You just need one more. That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm the Wicked Witch.

[Doug]

Okay, Just in time for Christmas.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm the Wicked Witch. Is that enough to get an audience?

[Doug]

Yeah. I mean, in this day and age right now? Yes.

[Mitch Silpa]

Do you think they'll be confused as to who Brend is? You have Gene Shallot, Yoda, the Wicked Witch man, Matthew Broderick, and this man Brent.

[Doug]

And you can't say it's the guy from the commercial. You mean?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Maybe. Well, can we have Joan Allen come out and maybe explain?

[Doug]

Maybe.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Maybe as the voice of reason, polish.

[Doug]

It up a little bit, but.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, it's perfect. You are Joan Allen.

[Mitch Silpa]

You. You became Jonah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This should be. You are Joan Allen.

[Doug]

Oh, okay. I mean, I can. I'm Joan Pedestrian, but I don't want to.

[Mitch Silpa]

And I am become Joan Allen.

[Doug]

All right. Well, you know, I feel really. I feel like it really was a Christmas miracle. You told the truth at Christmas.

[Mitch Silpa]

It's kind of like a gift of the magi.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It sure was the Mitch of the Gaga.

[Doug]

Too many martoonies.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, God, I was doing great until the end.

[Doug]

Ray, you are doing great, and I'm so happy for you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I feel lighter than ever.

[Doug]

I wish you a wonderful new year, and I think you're gonna have wonderful adventures together.

[Mitch Silpa]

I think so, too.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you. This is a wonderful time. Yeah, it's a wonderful life.

[Mitch Silpa]

Well, we're. You know what? We finally helped someone.

[Doug]

Finally.

[Mitch Silpa]

This is really. It's a nice way to close out the season.

[Doug]

It really is.

[Mitch Silpa]

And it's a nice thing for Christmas.

[Doug]

It is.

[Mitch Silpa]

Yeah. Well, Ray, thank you for being our guest.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

My pleasure.

[Mitch Silpa]

And you should leave.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Mitch Silpa]

We'll be back with more of the Neighbor Listen when the Neighbor Listen returns.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I can't get out the door.

[Doug]

Today, the LGBTQ community is at a crossroads with our loved ones and hard won rights increasingly under attack. For decades, the Human Rights Campaign has been at the forefront of the fight for equality in the face of discrimination and harassment. With the support of people like you, HRC fights for a world where lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer people can live openly and thrive free. From fear. If you're ready to support the fight.

[Mitch Silpa]

For equality to donate today, visit visit.

[Doug]

HRC.org give that's HRC.org G I V E Did you know that you can make your life saving donation to Doctors Without Borders go even further? Whether you donate stock, recommend a grant through your donor advised fund, or make an IRA qualified charitable distribution, you can take advantage of strong market performance this year to maximize your charitable impact, making it possible for Doctors Without Borders to stay ready to respond in more than 70 countries around the world. Together we go further explore ways to.

[Mitch Silpa]

Give at doctors without borders.org podcast hi everybody.

[Doug]

It's Angel. This is a rare, beautiful green sheepdog cookie jar. It is a vintage Duran of California sheep dog cookie chart. This is a lovely unmarked 1950s Doran of California green sheep dog cookie jar. Excellent condition, measures 10 inches high. The glossy finish on this adorable cookie jar will enamor all and it is for $65. May I mention it is a Duran of California. Now, I have five children. I'm getting rid of this because only recently, recently was it revealed to me that this cookie jar apparently haunted their dreams and it has horrified them from every angle. Speaking of every angle, I've made sure to take photos of this beautiful cookie jar gazing into its open crevasse. My children have told me that all of these angles are actually making it worse. But you know what? I don't care what they think. I tried to tell them that this is a priceless collector's item. And my son said, a booger collector's item. Because that's what it looks like, Mom. It looks like someone collected boogers, then threw up, then all over themselves and their nose is infected. And you know what? That is so hateful to say about a Duran of California. California. So even though everybody thinks this looks like either a shellacked, plagued penis or a. A sheepdog that was buried underground and survived a volcanic ash, earthquake, flood, tsunami, and then was left in the garbage for another century. I mean, I've heard it all, everybody. So come with your best, Come with your worst. I've heard it all about this lovely sheepdog from Duran of California.

[Mitch Silpa]

And welcome back to the neighborhood. Listen, Joan, I feel, I feel terrific.

[Doug]

I do too. I really feel. I just, I feel warm and fuzzy inside. I feel, feel like a special connection was made at the last minute, you know, for someone and. Sorry, struggling with my headphones. I have, you know, those like reindeer antler headband.

[Mitch Silpa]

Joan, how many martinis have you had?

[Doug]

I've lost count. I Just started drinking the Bailey, you know, because I just right out making them anymore. It's fine.

[Nicole Parker]

Good hack.

[Mitch Silpa]

It's fine. Good hack.

[Doug]

Fine.

[Mitch Silpa]

Hey, you know, you don't have to pour this stuff in the glass. You can just drink it right out of the bottle. Life hack.

[Doug]

How are the stairs doing, babe?

[Nicole Parker]

They're doing great.

[Doug]

Did you finish?

[Nicole Parker]

I'm almost done. And then I'll take my maiden voyage.

[Doug]

And I know your dream is for, like, the kids to run down it to see this. The Santa presents, right? I almost said bright.

[Mitch Silpa]

The Santa presence.

[Nicole Parker]

I think you need a nap.

[Mitch Silpa]

Yeah, I think you need to sleep.

[Doug]

Oh, I'm so sorry.

[Mitch Silpa]

A classic cartoon hit.

[Doug]

No, it's terrible.

[Mitch Silpa]

Bubbles came out. Your eyes are turning into X's.

[Doug]

Well, all right, I'll come and take a look at it. I'm very hungry all of a sudden, so maybe there's something I can.

[Mitch Silpa]

Sure. You're sure that this is structurally sound, Doug?

[Nicole Parker]

Well, that's the. What the maiden voyage is all about.

[Doug]

So your foot.

[Mitch Silpa]

Your foot may very quickly go through the bottom step.

[Doug]

Are you starting to eat from the bottom or the top?

[Nicole Parker]

I have this in my head. Gingerbread. Gingerbread. Gingerbread stairs.

[Mitch Silpa]

Okay.

[Doug]

And that's it.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, gingerbread stairs. There's gingerbread there. You walk up, you walk up, you walk down on pure gingerbread.

[Mitch Silpa]

Okay, let's leave it there.

[Nicole Parker]

But watch your step. That then. Then it repeats.

[Doug]

All right. Okay. Wow. Okay.

[Mitch Silpa]

Bread with step. All right, we have time for one more post.

[Doug]

Yes.

[Mitch Silpa]

And this is in the. As you know, there's a lot of them are in the crime and safety section. And this is posted by someone named Maria. And Maria writes headline, man throwing rock. Maria continues at my property. When my child was outside with my dog. My dog is loud. And he kept saying, shut up. Making a police report.

[Doug]

Oh, okay.

[Mitch Silpa]

Okay. Now I feel like she didn't so much bury the lead as did not elaborate on the lead.

[Doug]

Correct.

[Mitch Silpa]

What happened with the rock?

[Doug]

That's what I wanted to know. I was. I. I felt like I missed something.

[Mitch Silpa]

No, you didn't.

[Doug]

Okay, great.

[Mitch Silpa]

The headline is man throwing rock.

[Doug]

Yes.

[Mitch Silpa]

Which seems like, okay, if he threw.

[Doug]

A rock, throw it at the dog or the dog.

[Mitch Silpa]

Maybe you could call the cops. But you can't call the cops if he just threw a rock any old way.

[Doug]

Right? That's true. Any old wear and then tells the.

[Mitch Silpa]

Dog to shut up. I think the police would be very angry that you wasted their time.

[Doug]

I mean, especially our police, because they barely. I mean, even. Even a murder can't get them to hurry up to the house. You know what I mean?

[Mitch Silpa]

No. And they have a strict no dogs policy as well.

[Doug]

They do.

[Mitch Silpa]

They say if a dog's involved in any way, we will not come.

[Doug]

They don't even use canine dogs. They, they use guinea pigs.

[Mitch Silpa]

Yeah.

[Doug]

And remarkably ineffect.

[Mitch Silpa]

You can't get them to do anything.

[Doug]

No.

[Mitch Silpa]

They don't have great sense of smell.

[Doug]

But there they are riding in the back.

[Mitch Silpa]

Yeah. They're little uniforms. They have those little vests on. Do not pet. Don't worry about it.

[Doug]

That's okay. No, yeah, no, no, thanks.

[Mitch Silpa]

Yeah.

[Doug]

Yeah. That is. You know, these are one of. I just. Sometimes I wonder if a person who made that post. And I know I'm saying this under the influence, but I think sometimes people are missing the whole thing story because from their end, things aren't quite on the up and up or it happens in the middle of the night and this is what they remember. Sometimes they think it's a dream they had.

[Mitch Silpa]

Do you really?

[Doug]

Sometimes you think sometimes these people are.

[Mitch Silpa]

Waking up from a dream. They swear to themselves that it happened and they have to put it on an Abraham.

[Doug]

Listen, you've read these, you've seen these posts. Some of them are outlandish. I'm not. This is the part. Sometimes I turn into a very aggressive drunk.

[Mitch Silpa]

You get a little bro. Y when you're drunk.

[Doug]

I get a little bro. Yeah. Come on. Stop. Stop buzzing my balls.

[Mitch Silpa]

How if, if someone threw a rock at you and told Escrow to shut up.

[Doug]

Oh, well, now that would be.

[Mitch Silpa]

What would you do?

[Doug]

The thing is, Escrow doesn't. He's mute and deaf and blind now, so he. You won't have to tell him to, to shut up.

[Mitch Silpa]

Yeah, he's just a weird, weird husk.

[Doug]

Oh, he's not carrying around. He's my boy. He's my. No, stop. First of all, he's not the scarecrow.

[Mitch Silpa]

Scarecrow makes noise.

[Doug]

I would get. If someone just dared to even say anything unloving to my poor dog. I, I would, I wouldn't file a police report though, right? I, I, I'd punch him in the face.

[Mitch Silpa]

That's true. Maybe the guy wish he'd never been born. What's that, Doug?

[Nicole Parker]

They would see another side of me.

[Mitch Silpa]

Oh.

[Doug]

Oh, that is right. Which side is that?

[Nicole Parker]

Say, buddy, you're toast.

[Doug]

I'm butter your toast or buddy, your toast.

[Mitch Silpa]

I'm buttering your toast?

[Doug]

Neither.

[Mitch Silpa]

What did you say? I'm gonna butter your toast.

[Nicole Parker]

You better start running about to Butter your toast.

[Doug]

Exactly. I like it. I'm not mad about it.

[Mitch Silpa]

Would you hit him with some of your famous profanities, Tug?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, absolutely.

[Doug]

Which one do you think he'd get?

[Nicole Parker]

Probably. He'd probably get a jerk Water Justified. Jasper.

[Doug]

A Jasper.

[Nicole Parker]

Just Jasper say honk you.

[Doug]

Oh, sure. That's a classic Doug. Honk you.

[Nicole Parker]

I mean, that one's really direct.

[Doug]

Not to be confused with honk shoe.

[Mitch Silpa]

No, that's sleeping.

[Nicole Parker]

That's.

[Doug]

That's right. Well, I don't know what to. I don't want. Who is this person who posted it?

[Mitch Silpa]

Maria.

[Doug]

Oh, Maria, I think you. I think you dropped this.

[Mitch Silpa]

There you go. Maria. This didn't happen.

[Doug]

Slight our listeners. I'm sorry.

[Mitch Silpa]

You should be embarrassed.

[Doug]

Never mind.

[Mitch Silpa]

But you posted that.

[Doug]

Listen, I. I suppose I'm beyond. I feel like I used up all my energy on the Jon Allen impersonation and. Help.

[Mitch Silpa]

You're fading fast.

[Doug]

I'm definitely. I'm like.

[Mitch Silpa]

You're a shell.

[Doug]

You know what? I am tipping. Well, no, that. Only, Only Maximus people will get that. I am tipping over like Tim Roth and Arbitrage.

[Mitch Silpa]

I think that's universal. Yeah.

[Doug]

I'm at an angle. I'm at an angle that is not usually used by humans.

[Mitch Silpa]

You are almost at a Tim Roth and Arbitrage.

[Doug]

I'm at a Tim Roth angle.

[Mitch Silpa]

Yeah, it's. It's pretty precarious.

[Doug]

So I want us to have a lovely, safe holiday. I'm going to cut myself off right now, which means we'd probably cut the podcast off. But I want to say thank you to our listeners for another season of streaming and we.

[Nicole Parker]

Season Stephen.

[Doug]

Season Stephen.

[Mitch Silpa]

What a great season, Stephen this has been and we bid it a fond farewell and thank you all for staying with us and listening to the show. If you'd like to hear more of the show, including ad free episodes and our bonus content, you can go to cbbworld.com sign up for the Maximus here and you get so much more stuff. And some of our wonderful sister shows on CBB World. And what's the catchphrase, Doug? Good programming. Period. Something like that.

[Nicole Parker]

Incredible program.

[Mitch Silpa]

Incredible program.

[Doug]

Nothing gets better is just what he said. Which was boo.

[Nicole Parker]

I just wanted to also point out the bonus rooms. Don't stop.

[Mitch Silpa]

They don't stop.

[Nicole Parker]

Season, Steven.

[Mitch Silpa]

Stop.

[Doug]

So there is one coming between.

[Mitch Silpa]

You still get a bonus episode every month if you're on the Maximus tier. No matter. Regardless of whether our season is in full swing or not.

[Doug]

And can we say about if we're going to be Live.

[Mitch Silpa]

Yes. You can see us next month at Sketchfest. We're making our triumphant return to Sketchfest in San Francisco. The Gateway Theater. Or it's just Gateway Theater.

[Doug]

Gateway Theater. Yeah, Gateway Theater.

[Mitch Silpa]

And let me get the exact date.

[Doug]

Because that's important, but come out and see us, please.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Mitch Silpa]

It's gonna be a lot of fun.

[Nicole Parker]

Will I be there?

[Doug]

Of course, baby.

[Mitch Silpa]

You better be there.

[Doug]

Yeah, I mean, we need you to record the show. Last time, you weren't even. Was it the first time around? You weren't even in the theater.

[Mitch Silpa]

The first time. I had trouble parking.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, I had trouble finding parking.

[Doug]

That's right.

[Mitch Silpa]

All right, here we go. It is gonna be. I almost have it here. Scrolling scrolling scrolling scrolling scrolling kaboom. Boom. Sunday, January 26, 400pm at the Gateway Theater.

[Doug]

There you go.

[Mitch Silpa]

So it's come to the show, and then you can have a night out afterwards.

[Doug]

Of course.

[Mitch Silpa]

Right. And if you're old, you can go to bed.

[Doug]

Absolutely.

[Mitch Silpa]

This is your night out.

[Doug]

And if you're young, you can go to bed.

[Mitch Silpa]

Boy, that's true, Joan.

[Nicole Parker]

You can do whatever you want after the show.

[Doug]

You absolutely.

[Mitch Silpa]

You know what?

[Doug]

But during the show, no talking.

[Mitch Silpa]

Yeah, and we don't want to know about it. Do whatever you want. That's your business. You don't report to us, and we. They don't report to you.

[Doug]

Well, happy holidays.

[Mitch Silpa]

Burnt and happy holidays.

[Doug]

Happy holidays, babe. I'm gonna come up and try that gingerbread.

[Mitch Silpa]

I'm not gonna eat that gingerbread.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, Please try the stairs.

[Doug]

And good luck with jumping into the fire with Gabby. I can't wait to hear about it.

[Mitch Silpa]

Thank you. It's gonna be. It's gonna be one hot Christmas.

[Doug]

Maybe come to A Christmas Carol tonight. I don't know. Just maybe. Just think about it.

[Mitch Silpa]

Okay? I'm gonna see if I can get somebody to cover my shift.

[Doug]

I have to go put. I have to go get my aesthetics on.

[Mitch Silpa]

I know that takes a long time.

[Doug]

At least an hour.

[Mitch Silpa]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Doug]

All right.

[Mitch Silpa]

Look like Patrick Stewart. Yeah.

[Doug]

All right, everybody, take care. Thanks for everything.

[Mitch Silpa]

We'll see you back with season eight, yet to be named.

[Doug]

Yes.

[Mitch Silpa]

When the Neighborhood Listen returns.

[Doug]

Until then, goodbye and bye. All of the posts used in this episode were real. Only some geographical specifics have been changed.

[Mitch Silpa]

The Neighborhood Listen is hosted at and produced by me, Paul F. Tompkins and.

[Nicole Parker]

Me, Nicole Parker, and me, Brett Morris. This episode's guest was played by Mitch Silpa.

[Mitch Silpa]

The Neighborhood Listen is a production of Comedy Bang Bang world.

[Doug]

Go to cbbworld.com to unlock the entire history of the show ad free as well as brand new full length bonus room episodes exclusive to Maxima subscribers. Your support keeps the.