Chive & What Onion? with Lou Wilson

Summary

The Neighborhood Listen – “Chive & What Onion?” with Lou Wilson

April 21, 2026
Hosts: Paul F. Tompkins (Burnt Millipede), Nicole Parker (Joan Pedestrian), Brett Morris (Doug)
Special Guest: Lou Wilson (“Kathy” / “Special K”)

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Episode Overview

This episode explores the neighborhood quirks of Dignity Falls, focusing on a spirited debate about Philadelphia Chive & Onion Cream Cheese and the deeper issue of product labeling and expectation. Guest Lou Wilson, appearing as “Kathy” (also called “Special K”), brings an impassioned complaint: where is the actual onion in this flavored spread? The hosts and guest unravel the dilemma with their signature blend of improvisational comedy, tangents into local lore, culinary truths, and imaginative solutions—while also embarking on delightful detours about Mario Kart, homegrown theater, and food additives.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The “Welcome” Debate and Neighborhood Vibe

• The episode opens with a comedic debate on whether “Welcome” requires a “W,” riffing on language, doormats, and word invention.
• Doug’s offbeat logic about “overground”/“underground” resurfaces, showcasing the group’s love for absurdist local color.
• (00:55–04:35)

Memorable Quotes:

• “You think it should be Elkhom. So every doormat should just say elkhom?” — Joan, on Burnt’s language idea (01:12)

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2. Tangents, Mario Kart, and Family Life

• Stories about Joan’s pyromaniac twin boys and her home-adapted Mario Kart tracks, including Doug’s “Fantastic Park” inspired by Jurassic Park.
• Tangents on pop-up birthday cards, racecar movies, haunted mansion levels in Mario games, and the infamous St. Louis Arch (“not enough bells and whistles”).
• (05:35–17:21)

Memorable Quotes:

• “Do you feel like Mario should have been getting mixed up in these haunted mansions and such?” — Burnt (08:39)
• “I have always had a chip on my shoulder about that arch… there’s just no bells and whistles on it.” — Doug, on the St. Louis Arch (15:42)

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3. Dignity Falls Drama: Gabby & The Second Incident

• Updates on Burnt’s relationship with Gabby, the enigmatic smokejumper, and hints of a mysterious “second incident,” which Joan finds concerning for everyone’s safety.
• The boys’ creative failures (“Mr. Doubtfire” gone wrong; attempts to remake “Hamnet” and “Hurlit”).
• Debate over the historic authenticity of movie costumes and personal hygiene, veering into how teeth are portrayed in period films.
• (17:23–22:13)

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4. The Main Event: Where Is the Onion? (Feat. Special K)

• Listener post from “Kathy” incites the main segment: Philadelphia Chive & Onion Cream Cheese lacks discernible onion pieces—false advertising?
• Kathy’s onion outrage and her lineage (descended from a long line of men named “Catherine”).
• The group unpacks the taxonomy of onions, chives, scallions, and ramps—and the difference between “flavor” and “ingredient.”
• (29:02–32:30 intro, 32:31–62:41 main discussion)

Memorable Quotes:

• “You buy it, and on the box is a beautiful picture of a white or perhaps yellow onion… and I open it up… plenty of little green chives, no onion!” — Kathy (33:36)
• “I want to build a coalition of people willing to go to Philadelphia and fight.” — Kathy, escalating the complaint (36:46)
• “If you are purporting to have… physical onions in your product, and there’s nothing in there because there are physical chives in there…” — Burnt, siding with Kathy (52:49)

Notable Segment: The Cream Cheese Ingredient Bombshell

• Doug and Burnt research the actual ingredients and find “dried chives and dried onion” listed—possibly undetectable to the eye, but present.
• Joan proposes adding raw onion at home as a workaround; Kathy insists the principle is what matters.
• Doug’s asides reference pop culture (“Goodfellas”-style slicing of onions “so thin they dissolved in the sauce”).
• (49:43–52:49)

Detour: Blue Raspberry Doesn’t Exist?

• Special K’s past campaign for blue raspberry as a “real” fruit recounted, resulting in ejection from her old community and a deep dive into food science and artificial flavoring.

Special K’s Background

• Kathy (“Special K”) is an “accidental automotive lawyer” with an issue-ridden phone number (all zeros) and peculiar email addresses, reflecting the show’s recurring theme of local eccentricity.

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Resolutions and Community Spirit

• After deep discussion, everyone acknowledges that the onion issue in Philly cream cheese stems from dried or powdered onion, not visible chunks—a technical, not intentional, omission.
• The idea for the tongue-in-cheek activist group “WDOA” (“Where the Onion At?”), with onion hats (but, ideally, no weapons).
• Moment of catharsis for Kathy/Special K: “Maybe I don’t need to get guys in onion hats with assault rifles. Maybe they’re just cutting it so thin it dissolves.” (62:41)
• Burnt and Joan express rare satisfaction in achieving a sense of local justice and understanding.

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Additional Highlights

Community Posts:

• Listing for an “Auntie” pillow requiring in-person references from those who call you “Auntie.” (26:46–29:02)
• “Bette Midler Autograph” post, spurring a debate over fan memorabilia, forgery suspicion, and the value of celebrity signatures. (70:16–76:57)

Musical and Movie Tangents:

• Ripley’s Believe It Or Not! museums as a metaphor for truth in advertising and personal beliefs.
• Beauty and the Beast glass rose case—discussed as “the only famous glass case” Joan knows.

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:55–04:35: “Welcome”/Elkhom/Intros
• 05:35–17:21: Mario Kart, the St. Louis Arch, and Fantastic Park
• 17:23–22:13: Gabby, incident hints, Joan’s twins’ creative pursuits
• 29:02–32:30: Special K intro, cream cheese post
• 32:31–36:46: The onion/chive labeling debate begins
• 49:43–52:49: Cream cheese ingredient bombshell, group resolution
• 62:41–63:20: Special K’s catharsis, possible real solution
• 70:16–76:57: Bette Midler autographed book post, witch/beauty and the beast detour
• 79:02–79:52: Credits, show outro

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Notable Quotes

• “No one looks like themselves anymore. They look crazy.” — Joan, on facial surgery trends (43:44)
• “It is so fun to be lifted up... It’s fun to be a light.” — Special K, mid-physical comedy bit (52:23)
• “If they want to put a half onion on top of every Philadelphia cream cheese, and I chop it at home myself and put it on top to my liking, I’m open to that.” — Special K, reluctant compromise (61:52)

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Episode Tone & Language

• Warm, quick-witted, neighborly, heavy on improvisation and comedic escalation.
• The hosts and guest maintain playful, exasperated energy throughout, blending big feelings over local grievances with affectionate teasing.
• Guest character Kathy / Special K radiates conviction, transparency, and self-aware absurdity, fitting seamlessly into the world of Dignity Falls.

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Summary

This episode delivers the classic Neighborhood Listen magic: a minor-seeming neighborhood post sparks wide-ranging, riotously funny debate on truth, expectation, and the slippery nature of labels—both personal and product-related. Lou Wilson’s Special K is a perfect catalyst for the group to blend personal stories, found-family warmth, spontaneous theatre-kid riffs, and a passionate (if tongue-in-cheek) call to authentic representation… even (especially) if it means rallying an army of onion-hatted crusaders.

For listeners: This episode stands out for its hilarious commitment to a mundane issue, punctuated by expert improv, local flavor, and rich, satisfying comedic closure.

Transcript

[A]

Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins.

[B]

And I'm Nicole Parker.

[A]

On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website.

[B]

Occasionally, we change the names of some

[A]

streets, and that's all you need to know. To support the show and unlock the ad free archive, as well as exclusive monthly episodes of the bonus room, go to cbbworld.com and sign up for a Maximus membership.

[B]

And now, please enjoy this episode of the Neighborhood.

[C]

Listen.

[A]

Knock, knock.

[B]

Who's there?

[A]

Your neighbor.

[B]

Good in dignity fall. You're never alone. You've got the neighbor half AV and us, Vern and Joan. From coyotes to male theft to weird things to sell.

[A]

We'll cover it all and meet new neighbors as well.

[B]

We'll chat about any posts you're missing. So just tune in to the neighborhood.

[A]

Listen, Welcome to. What happened.

[B]

It just sounded like there was something in your throat. Cause you just got elkhom out. Oh, I didn't hear a W. Did

[A]

you not hear a W?

[B]

I didn't. It was a lot like that, but

[A]

I thought I was doing a W. I.

[B]

And you know. And you probably were doing a W.

[A]

Do you know what do we need a W still for? Welcome.

[B]

You think it should be Elkham. So every doormat should just say elkhom.

[A]

I'm just saying it could.

[B]

I think that's confusing.

[A]

I'm saying it could be.

[B]

I mean, anything could be.

[A]

It's confusing just because you say, well, where's the W?

[B]

Why do you want to change the word welcome all of a sudden?

[A]

Say, I want to, Joan.

[B]

I'm saying it's like Doug thinking that it should be underground and overground. And he said, why aren't we saying overground? You know, we should decide above ground or overground. And you said, I think we have.

[A]

That's for me, a deep cut. I don't recall that discussion.

[B]

Remember, I re listen to our episodes all the time. I can't get enough of it.

[A]

I've never re Listened to one. I've never heard our podcast.

[B]

You've never heard it?

[A]

Never heard it.

[B]

I think you should listen every once in a while.

[D]

Why?

[B]

Because it's important. What if you said something you want to take back?

[A]

I can't think of a single thing.

[B]

I figured if I say it, I mean it. Take back. I almost edit myself out entirely. It sounds like you're talking to yourself. Sometimes I say to Doug, I'm like, babe, take all of that out.

[A]

No, really? Is that true?

[B]

Yeah. It just sounds like I forced myself to do it because I'm like, no, I've never done that. I've never done that. You kind of got excited. It made it sound like you had your own show.

[A]

How do you want to sound like that? Bill Burr, Monday morning podcast.

[B]

Is this. He have one?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Just Monday mornings, or is it called Monday mornings?

[A]

I believe it's just Monday mornings.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And I. It's one of those podcasts that some people describe as hostage audio because it's one person just talking for a long

[C]

time,

[B]

just complaining where it's.

[A]

Yes. He doesn't, you know, like hostages do.

[B]

He doesn't even.

[A]

He has no guests.

[B]

Well, if Bilber held you hostage, I would tell him everything right away. Bilber. Bilber. It's like Wilbur from Lord of the Rings. Yes.

[A]

Can't it just be Ilber.

[B]

Bilber Baggins.

[A]

Bilber Baggins. How come Bilbo. How come. How come Bilbo could wear the ring and just turn invisible and everybody else went insane?

[B]

Is that what happened?

[A]

Pretty much.

[B]

You guys remember, you two know a lot more about Lord of the Rings than I do. You know, I just wasn't. It wasn't really part of my growing up.

[A]

True. And I'm not trying to hold her.

[B]

I was busy reading Brenda Peters autobiography. That's what I was doing.

[A]

Now, how come some people could be married to Steve Martin and go. And not go insane? And some people did go insane.

[B]

Were that many people married to Steve Martin? I think there's only two.

[A]

What's there? Only two.

[B]

Okay, so the woman from LA story, right?

[A]

That's right. We all remember Victoria Tennant.

[B]

Victoria Tennant. Very good. You know, well done, Bert.

[A]

Here's who I mix her up with.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Trudy Styler.

[B]

That's Sting's wife. That's pretty wild.

[A]

They are, for some reason, not at all similar.

[B]

Not even the same category.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

Joan, I was not. I was not trying to lean into it and make you feel bad.

[A]

You're acting like I'm ready for the rubber room.

[B]

I don't give Doug the idea he wants to do a rubber room.

[C]

Oh, sure.

[B]

We should, first of all say who we are. You said, who you.

[C]

Who you are.

[B]

We should figure out. No, I don't think you did, because I did interrupt you because you said elk.

[A]

We didn't get further than. Welcome. Welcome to the neighborhood. Listen, this is the podcast that explores the neighborhood of Dignity Falls through the eyes of its many residents. Two such residents are here right now, sitting across from each other. My name is Burnt Me Upede. I am the pharmacist in chief at the Dignity fallsmassy, and with me, as always, is.

[B]

My name is Joan Pedestrian, and I'm the top realtor in Dignity Falls, as well as the top local actress.

[A]

Perfect.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

I like to do the my name that way, as if it's fun. It is fun.

[B]

It's like, this is who I am.

[A]

You're a storyteller. And then at the end, you reveal, I was in the story the whole time.

[B]

In this case, you're like, I was in the podcast the whole time. Is that what you mean?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Okay. It is a little scary.

[A]

I don't think I ever said it was scary.

[B]

Oh, I got scared. You know how easily I scare.

[A]

Easily.

[B]

I scare so easily.

[A]

I remember once.

[B]

Oh, why would you do that? I scare, you know, when a. I scare. When I turn a page too quickly.

[A]

Of anything.

[B]

Of anything. It could be a catalog.

[C]

You might.

[A]

You might open a birthday card too fast.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, and I hate the ones where stuff pops out. The boys always used to get those for me, but. Yeah, well, they had one that also caught on fire when you opened it.

[A]

Like what? Oh, like a magic trick.

[B]

Yes, yes. But it was just gunpowder they put in there, and when you opened it, it ignited. I'm talking about my pyromaniac twins. My boys. Twin boys.

[A]

Matt and Shirley Cha Cha Muldowney.

[B]

Shirley Cha Cha Muldowney. That's right. Oh, I love.

[A]

Why did you name the one after the famous female race car driver?

[B]

That is. It's weird, because I was under a lot. I was on a lot of drugs, and remember the second I didn't know I was having twins? That came out immediately.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

Right. And then I didn't feel good, and I said, guys, I don't think I'm done. And they were like, what does that mean? I was like, I just don't feel like I'm done. And. And all of a sudden. And they were like, you just need drugs. So they gave me a lot of drugs. And then all of a sudden, out came the next baby, and I said, another baby? And it's. It's kind of like when Steve Carell was getting his thing waxed, and he went, kelly Clarkson. That's what I said. Oh, Shirley Chachami came out, and I went, what does it. Say it again?

[A]

Shirley Chacha Maldani.

[B]

And I went, shirley Chacha Muldowni. Just like that.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

The movie Heart Like a Wheel, starring Bonnie Bedelia.

[B]

How Bunny Bedelia. Does anyone know or is anything else than the wife in Die Hard? Yeah, in Die Hard.

[A]

Well, I know her as Shirley Cha Cha Muldowney in Heart Like a Wheel.

[B]

Can you tell me a little about her?

[A]

Yeah, she was a race car driver. Her nickname was Cha Cha. Her given name was Shirley Muldowney.

[B]

Okay. That's it? That's all you got? I guess I wanted to hear about the part where she was a race car driver.

[A]

Yeah. She would get in the car and race it.

[B]

Okay. Vern, it does seem like if a movie was made about her, that something happened.

[A]

Well, now, obviously it did. Doesn't mean I've seen the movie, Joan.

[B]

Oh. Oh, okay.

[A]

It's just a movie I've heard.

[B]

I see. I thought that you'd seen it.

[A]

No.

[B]

You know what? Race car movie kind of bored me. Was F1. Is that bad to say?

[A]

No, it's not bad to say, because

[C]

race car movies,

[A]

who cares?

[B]

I didn't understand. I was like, did they just think he would look good in the uniform? I think that's all it was.

[A]

Here's the thing. It's like movies about magic. Like, you're. Now you see me. It's like, well, that doesn't do anything for me because I know that. That this is a movie.

[B]

Right.

[A]

It's not happening right in front of me.

[B]

You know what's funny about F1?

[A]

So watching race cars on a movie screen is like, okay.

[B]

Especially when you don't know what's going on. And I feel like I would have loved to have seen the men who had to do the voiceovers that lasted forever as the commentators, because it was like they were trying to explain it to us. Like we knew nothing about it, but in a very obvious way. It was like, he's now doing this. And this exactly how this is. I was coming in for the tire. Now, a tire. This is how a tire works. And, I mean, they were truly just explaining everything.

[A]

Now the wheels look like they're spinning backwards, but they're actually going forwards.

[B]

This is how it all works. It took me out of it a little bit.

[C]

Sure.

[B]

I gotta say.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But anyways, I'm sorry for that tangent,

[A]

but, I mean, when you see what. What cars in movies do. In other movies, in action movies.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then you just see some guys going around a track. Who cares?

[B]

I mean, it's never been for me. This is for some fruit cards, somebody. It's some fruit carts.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Put some fruit carts on the track

[B]

just to see things explode.

[A]

Yes. The last lap, every car has to Go through a fruit cart.

[B]

Well, it's certainly less dangerous than the car's exploding. I'm sorry, what was that?

[A]

That's exactly right.

[B]

Now, I mean, I enjoy Mario Kart because I played that with the. With the boys. They still like to play it, and that's fun. That I'm into, but when I watch the real thing, I just can't do it.

[A]

Do you feel like Mario should have been getting mixed up in these haunted mansions and such?

[B]

It is funny that they always have that category. There's always a haunted mansion. What? There is. In every single sort of Nintendo, there's always a haunted dungeon. In every iteration of Mario Kart, there's been a haunted mansion. There's several different types of haunted mansions. Did you not know this?

[A]

Okay, I did not know this.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

And I'm not quite sure what you mean. Meaning there's Every Nintendo game has a haunted man.

[B]

No, no, no, no, no. Mario Kart. Mario Kart.

[A]

I'm so sorry.

[B]

That's okay. I accept your apology. I only know so much about this because I grew up with three boys in the house. You know what I mean?

[A]

That's right. Including Doug, your husband.

[B]

Yes. Hey, babe. By the way, this is our engineer, Doug, my husband, and he's in a. He records from a different room every time. Where are you, babe? What?

[A]

What is he laughing about? Doug, what are you.

[D]

I'm in Fantastic Park.

[A]

Fantastic Park.

[B]

It's funny that we're talking about this, because this is. He's always wanted to make his own Mario Kart track, right? Is that what that is, babe?

[D]

Yes.

[A]

Okay. Seemed like a qualified yes.

[B]

Sure. Did Doug expand?

[D]

Well, I was watching Jurassic Park.

[A]

Sure.

[D]

And I was thinking, God, that's a good idea, but why limit it?

[B]

That's a good idea. Now, I'm gonna ask you to expand on that.

[A]

Everything in the movie demonstrates that it's not. It's the whole. That's the whole thrust of the film.

[B]

True. I think Sam Neal ends by saying, I do not endorse your park. After careful consideration as they're running from the dinosaurs.

[D]

Maybe the problem was the Jurassic part.

[B]

So then if you take the Jurassic park out, you start a good idea.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Park is good. We love park.

[A]

Parks have been proven to work.

[B]

They sure have.

[D]

And the sort of the. The cadence of, you know, welcome to Fantastic.

[B]

I think you mean elk. To Jurassic Park.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

You're welcome.

[C]

There you go.

[B]

You're welcome.

[D]

And you can have elk in there, boy.

[A]

Oh, you could have elk in there.

[D]

Do you know I saw Modern animals.

[A]

Do you know who modern Animals.

[D]

Modern Delights.

[A]

That is a selling point.

[B]

Sure is. Come to Fantastic Park.

[D]

Can I issue a few little grievances?

[A]

Oh, absolutely.

[B]

Was not expecting this. This is just got started.

[D]

These are minor grievances.

[A]

You're a valued member of the team.

[B]

You sure are.

[A]

If you have grievances, we'd like to hear them.

[D]

Thank you.

[A]

I mean, we would like to hear

[B]

them, but we did just do our intentions for the season. For season 10.

[A]

That's right. We're barely into tensational season 10.

[B]

One of the things that we wanted to do is make sure that Doug speaks up and feels heard. So go ahead. What are your minor grievances?

[D]

One, and I don't want to step

[B]

on any toes, but that's interrupting.

[A]

Yes, but it's for one second. Very important point.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I don't think we were encouraging Doug to speak up and speak his mind so much as saying, hey, Doug, when you interrupt, could you please explain what it is you're talking about rather than making everyone ask all the time?

[B]

Okay, fair. But he's trying to do that right now, so let's let him do it.

[A]

Fair enough. Doug, now is the time.

[D]

All right. I just wanted to point out that Bilbo did was going mad when he put on the ring. That's why I had to leave.

[A]

When.

[B]

Oh, that's kind of true now that I think about it.

[A]

After how many he says, oh, maybe

[D]

just one more time or whatever. And then, you know, and then when

[A]

the rings get away, he goes crazy that he lived with it for years.

[B]

Babe, why did you bring us back to Lord of the Rings? We'd already made it past.

[D]

No, I. It's a minor grievance.

[B]

Okay, I thought you were going to say minor grievance with us, but that

[A]

was just about who's got you. It's a minor grievance, and I'm already over.

[D]

I'm already over it.

[B]

Oh, good.

[D]

And I also want to say, okay, it was Mario's brother Luigi who got mixed up with the haunted mansion.

[A]

So Mario was never. He never went to the haunted mansion.

[D]

Oh, I didn't say that.

[A]

Yeah, and you didn't need to because Mario.

[D]

But Mario probably got roped into it

[A]

because my question stands. Did Mario need to get mixed up in these giant. In these haunted mansions?

[D]

Also, I just wanted to say another one.

[B]

Oh, here comes.

[D]

This isn't a grievance. You encourage me to say it's a comet. The thing that entered my mind as quick as I Could. Okay, this is not as quick as I could have done it.

[B]

Okay. It's okay.

[D]

Babe, can you turn up the fruit card in the track? Turn up the fruit card in the track.

[B]

What's he doing?

[D]

Okay, can I get some more fruit card?

[A]

Here's. Here's, here's. What's going on. Doug is.

[B]

Feels vaguely.

[D]

Yo, can I get some more fruit cards?

[B]

It vaguely feels familiar to me, but I can't quite pinpoint what it is he's referencing.

[D]

Doug is killed in the moment.

[A]

Doug, you're not wrong. It would have had so much more impact than it does now.

[B]

Who is he referencing?

[A]

He's referencing a sort of a hip hop artist in a recording booth and asking for something, some element to be turned up in his headphones.

[B]

Okay, got it. You know why I was confused? Because track. I was thinking of the. It's a great double meaning because track. Either the musical track.

[D]

I think that's what I was thinking.

[B]

No, I know, but I was thinking the car track. So I was.

[D]

I know.

[B]

I thought he was referencing.

[A]

Because he said fruit card and we talked about fruit card on the track. And it would have burnt. Said, I'm not.

[D]

I think we should put some fruit card on the track.

[B]

He did. I think we're all aware of what's happening. I think we're on board. I think we're on the same page.

[A]

Now that we've explained it to each other. The thing we all understood.

[D]

We all agree it's a double meaning.

[A]

We all.

[B]

We can agree it's a double meaning.

[A]

We can all agree on that.

[B]

Okay, well, so what is actually going to be in Fantastic park then? I thought it was a Mario Kart track.

[D]

Well, you drive through the Fantastic park.

[B]

Okay, what do we.

[A]

A la Mario Kart?

[B]

What do we see on our way there? On our way through there?

[D]

Right now, you see some Tonka trucks. But it's just like I'm just. I'm filling out the park.

[B]

Okay. With what?

[D]

You see some birds sometimes.

[A]

Sometimes you see some birds, sometimes. You are not guaranteed birds.

[D]

I'm building a track out in the. In the yard and it's going to be a really fun sort of a Mario Kart experience.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Sounds it.

[D]

And you're gonna.

[A]

Especially those birds.

[D]

Show up. A lot of sights on the way.

[B]

A lot of sights on the way.

[A]

Could you give us one example?

[B]

I feel like. Yeah. There is no plan. Or he just doesn't want to tell me.

[D]

More hills.

[B]

Sure.

[D]

Which are in Mario Kart.

[B]

Yes. In some of them. Yes.

[A]

Okay, well, that takes care of my next question.

[D]

You're gonna go under, like, an arch. A beautiful arch.

[B]

Okay, the beautiful arch. Are you building that, babe?

[D]

Yeah, of course.

[B]

Yeah, of course.

[A]

Is it modeled after the St. Louis Archer or just.

[B]

Oh, God, I hope it's not that.

[D]

No, that's a simple. That's a horrible arch.

[A]

What horrible art.

[B]

That's a major grievance.

[A]

It's a national park.

[B]

What are you talking about?

[D]

You just woke up and decided.

[B]

You toss. You toss the St. Louis art under the bus.

[D]

I'm coming in hot.

[B]

You sure are.

[D]

I have always. I've always had a chip on my shoulder about that arch.

[B]

You have? Why explain?

[D]

There's just no bells and whistles on it.

[A]

It's not enough that it's a gigantic arch.

[B]

Can you describe a national monument or something else like dumb that has bells and whistles on it ar the triumph. Okay, well, that's not in our country, but I wouldn't say the Arc to Triumph was what had bells and whistles on it.

[A]

It's got fancy stuff on it.

[B]

Did you say Gargyles, babe?

[D]

I said Gorgyles.

[A]

Oh, yeah. No, no, you misunderstood. He didn't say Cargills.

[B]

Sorry. Gorgyles. That's Notre Dame, babe. That's. They have gargoyles on Notre Dame.

[D]

They got Gorgos everywhere.

[A]

Are there not, Doug, are we talking about the same thing?

[B]

Just to say they've got gargoyles everywhere. That's not. That doesn't. That's not true. Now, there's a lot of old buildings that do have them on there.

[A]

I'm inclined to agree with Doug. They do have them all.

[D]

They have them all over.

[B]

I said that. I don't think they're on the Arc de Triumph. I don't think.

[A]

There's got to be at least one.

[B]

Okay. The point is, I don't. I. I did not know you felt this way about the arch. This is surprising to me. Yeah, yeah. We've never talked about that.

[D]

I mean, it is pretty plain.

[B]

I guess you could also say it's a sleek and stunning design and just elegant and inspiring. You can take an elevator up there. I thought you'd love that. Did you know that you can go up and sight it? Yes.

[D]

Are we thinking of the same article?

[B]

Yes. Babe, you can go up in.

[D]

So you're shooting up in an arc motion? Well, you stop at the elevator.

[B]

Well, you know, not as exciting as you want it to be, but yes. You go up to the top. Now, how do you feel about. Eric, Is that enough bells and whistles for you.

[D]

I guess that does change things a little bit.

[B]

Why are we talking about things we don't know about?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Let's talk about what we do know about, which is Dignity Falls. How are you doing? Burnt. How. How are things with Gabby?

[A]

Gabby, again, is still. She's still, you know, on call because of the. The threat of a second incident.

[B]

We had an incident happen at Dignity Falls many, many years ago. Nobody talks about it. We've never addressed it. And now Bernd has said that there might be a second one happening.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And you won't give us any information?

[A]

I am forbidden to do so. I shouldn't even have told you that.

[B]

How often is this consuming your whole life? How often are you seeing Gabby? Do you see her at all?

[A]

A Wii video conference?

[C]

What?

[A]

Yes. She blurs her background so I can't see.

[B]

Oh, my goodness.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

This is very concerning.

[C]

Why?

[B]

Because I'm worried about it for your relationship. I'm worried about her safety. I'm worried about our safety.

[A]

Look, I knew what I was getting into when I entered a relationship with a smoke jumper.

[B]

I. I suppose so. I just didn't know that she was, like, the front line. She's like the FBI or something. I didn't realize that the smoke jumpers had anything to do with the incident back in the day.

[A]

Apparently, there is a smoke and fire component.

[B]

Yeah, that makes me nervous.

[A]

Possible second incident.

[B]

Oh, gosh. And you can't talk about this around the boys?

[A]

I can't.

[B]

Not because they love fire. We all know this. And I keep. I'm trying to keep them on the creative side of things. I'm really trying to. I'm trying to collaborate with them on something.

[A]

What are they up to now?

[B]

Well, as we said, Mr. Doubtfire didn't work. They wrote that for me, and we tried to shoot it in the house in a single shot, and it was a disaster.

[D]

A lot of nudity.

[B]

There's a lot of nudity. And they blurred out my face only, which was so weird. I was like, you guys, come on. It made me feel bad on every level.

[A]

Very troubling.

[B]

And, you know, unfortunately, they don't have any new ideas. I'm trying to get them to think of their own idea. They're just taking a movie and, like, flipping it. You know, like I told you, they wanted to come up with, like, whatever heated rivalry meets. Well, I can't remember what it was. They wanted to do something about heated rivalry, and I can't remember what it was. But then they saw Hamnet, and so they're like, oh, we want to do that. Because, like, they know I was doing Hurlit. My one woman, all. All female Hamlet.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

But it didn't.

[A]

Because you were a woman and you were the only one in it. It was by default all female.

[B]

That's right. Correct. That's what I meant.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so then they can't. So what they do is they just come up with some idea, but they don't have anything to back it up. They're like, oh, mom, we're gonna do that too. It's gonna be Romeo and Juliet. And I was like, no, that's not good. That's not a thing. You can't just put net at the end of it. You know, there was a reason for that movie. There was a reason for that book.

[A]

Do they see the movie? Did they read the book?

[B]

They just. They started watching their. Ew, everyone's so dirty. And they turned it off.

[A]

And you know what? They should have been dirtier.

[B]

Do you think so? You don't think that it properly showed the dirt of Elizabethan times?

[A]

I'm of. I'm of two minds. Because on the one hand, when they do go as far as they make everyone's teeth all disgusting, I think we don't need to see that. We get it.

[B]

I know.

[A]

You know, but then when people's teeth aren't disgusting, I think teeth are too nice.

[B]

You know, Gwyneth Paltrow's teeth were pretty nice. Were pretty nice in Shakespeare in Love.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I remember then. No, the hot people stunt.

[A]

They don't do it to the hot people.

[B]

The nurse gives her just a wooden stick to brush her teeth with in one of the scenes. And I was like, what are we to believe?

[A]

I mean, you know what else?

[B]

It was just unnecessary. It's like, here we're trying. We. We did some research, and you used

[A]

a wooden stick, I'm sure, for. For that time, that is. They were like, oh, thank God for these sticks.

[B]

No, it was. But she had much nicer. So much teeth. Their teeth were too nice for. For sticks.

[A]

I know, but it's. So you see my dilemma.

[B]

I do, yeah.

[D]

I'm with you on that, Doug.

[A]

Thank you.

[D]

Yeah, I do. I think they should just not open their mouths or, like, not smile because

[A]

everyone would be self conscious.

[D]

Yeah. That's why I've heard was true back then.

[B]

Oh, they. That's why they were. That's why they spoke softly. I guess that makes sense. Yeah. They would have never no one would have ever understood what they said.

[D]

They probably would do that thing, you know, people say when they go, that's hilarious.

[B]

Oh, I hate that. I hate that so much.

[D]

Zero laughter.

[B]

But, huh, Funny without dead.

[A]

No, that's funny.

[B]

Yeah, I don't like that at all. Just laugh. Just, you know, just get over yourself.

[A]

Who do you think you are?

[B]

It's like it's that guy Trent Van Zant in town, and he basically never debased himself to be in a Dignity Falls Playhouse show. But he's this very serious actor. He went to Yale. He never shuts up about it.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

And he thinks he's the funniest person in town. And he really does started to stand up. And what he'll do is he'll say a joke and then before anyone laugh, he goes, it's funny. Like he tells the audience, like at

[A]

the end of the joke, he immediately says, it's funny. That's strange.

[B]

It is. And it's obnoxious.

[A]

Does it work?

[B]

I mean, not really, but he's so gorgeous that. That's why he has a lot of people come to him.

[A]

Very handsome.

[B]

He's very beautiful.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

He's got.

[A]

He's had a bunch of stuff done to his face though.

[B]

A whole lot. Yeah, yeah, he. He basically. He did. Well, he did the. The. He did that thing, the bluff thing. He got rid of all the eyelids above his eyes.

[A]

The Bless thing.

[B]

You never heard of that?

[A]

Is it named after Brenda Bl.

[B]

No, Bluff. Bless.

[A]

Bless.

[B]

Yes, with a pH. I don't know what the full name is, but it's been shortened to Blef.

[A]

Isn't that when a dog has. Has its tongue out?

[B]

I don't know.

[D]

Blep.

[A]

Oh, a blep. Excuse me. When a doggo has its tongue hanging out a little bit.

[D]

The doggos and the kiddos playing in the backyard. What a dream.

[B]

So. So it's where you take. It's like if your eyes become what they call hooded and then.

[A]

Oh, yes, absolutely.

[B]

Skin on top of your eyes.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And then they have people take it out and everyone looks crazy.

[A]

For some. For some people, that is a medical necessity. You get to a. Well, sure goes on long enough. Your eye, you. It can affect your vision.

[D]

They're just closed all the time?

[A]

Essentially, yes.

[D]

Wow.

[A]

Your eyelids are weighted down.

[B]

I don't talk about this, but I had a lip bluff. My top lift was covering the bottom lip.

[A]

Top lift?

[B]

Yes, that's what they call it. Instead of a lip. I had a lift.

[A]

Your Top. And it was starting to covering your bottom.

[B]

Yes. Like an elephant seal.

[A]

That's too much.

[B]

It was. And it was hard to do anything. You know, this was a long time ago. I was 12.

[A]

Anything.

[D]

It's like those monkeys where the nose is flapping down.

[B]

Yes. So that was necessary. But some of these, no one looks like themselves anymore. They look crazy.

[A]

Excuse me one second.

[C]

Joan.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

What?

[D]

Doug, were you just doing a bonobos ad?

[A]

I know, I. You know, we've never been sponsored by bonobos. And why did they name their company that?

[B]

I don't know. I couldn't say. All I think about is the game that we've played before on the show. But you didn't know about it. You know, I'd like to eat, eat, eat bulls and be ninis. That thing, that song, that game. It's fun game. That's what I always think about when I hear bonobos. Anyways, babe, how long have we been talking? Probably long enough. Once. Once we get to that, 24. Oh, okay. It's good. Time to stop.

[A]

All right, we're going to stop now. And when we start up again, it will be because the show has moved on. More when the Neighborhood Listen returns.

[B]

Hi, everyone, it's Nicole. How are you? Look, lately I've been more intentional about what I wear from the day to day, because here's the thing. I do a lot of podcasts, so sometimes I don't think it matters what I wear, but I think Paul and Brett notice when I wear the same outfit. Maybe back to don't tell them I told you that and don't say anything about it. But I learned that I should be leaning into pieces that feel effortless and comfortable but still put together because it just makes getting dressed simpler to have go tos. And Quince is my go to. The fabrics feel elevated, the fits are flattering, and everything just works without overthinking it. And here's the thing. Quince makes it easy to refresh your everyday spring with pieces that feel as good as they look because they use premium materials like 100% European linen, organic cotton, and ultra soft denim. Their lightweight linen pants, dresses and tops start at 30. They are effortless, breathable, and easy to wear on repeat, which I like. Everything at Quint's is priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. They work directly with ethical factories and cut out the middlemen. So you're paying for quality and craftsmanship. No brand markup. Now, here's the thing. I've mentioned that I've gotten sunglasses. I'VE mentioned that I've gotten a great shirt. I've clothes for myself. I've gotten amazing pants for my kid who is very active and those pants hold up baby. But you know what? Summer is coming and I didn't even realize Quince has bathing suits. Did you know this? I didn't know this. I didn't know this. No one told me. Why did no one tell me? It's fine, it's okay. I'm all right. But I just got a one piece. Sorry I had to swallow cause I got so worked up. I just got a one piece Italian cut and it is so cute. Swimsuit and it is so cute. I love it. And I would really encourage you to go look at them because bathing suits be expensive y'.

[A]

All.

[B]

They are expensive. These are very, very afford. I can't recommend them enough. So refresh your everyday with luxury. You'll actually use head to quince.comt&l for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com TNL for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com TNL Now Audible gives you audiobooks,

[A]

podcasts, Audible originals and more all in one place. Whether you want to dive into a series, listen to a popular bestseller, or check out the latest episode of a great new podcast, Audible has you covered. Enjoy genres you love like motivation, mysteries and sci fi. Follow names you know in comedy or true crime podcasts, or discover the Audible exclusive. Everyone's talking about the Sandman. The new Audible is your playlist for life. Try it for 30 days on us visit audible.com this is Victoria 15 Decorative Pillow. It's a shabby, chic decorative pillow with my favorite people call me Auntie text never used clean. Now when you come to get this, I expect you to bring references. At least three people who you consider your favorites who call you Auntie. A bonus would be if you brought them in person. I would also accept video of these people with their hands on a bible. Right hand please saying yes, the person attempting to buy this shabby decorative pillow, I am one of her favorite people or his favorite people. Anyone can be called Auntie by their favorite people. And I do attest here in front of God and everyone that I am one of their favorite people. And I do call them Auntie often enough that they answer to it. Is that so hard? Written testimonials is tricky. It will take some time for me to check up on them. I'd prefer the in person. I'd accept the video. But if you really want to save time and you want this shabby, chic decorative pillow that's never used and clean by the by, you will bring your favorite people, and they will call you auntie in front of my very eyes. Chen, welcome back to the neighborhood. Listen, we have a guest, Joan.

[B]

We sure do.

[A]

Here's what we do. Every week on this podcast. We call them the neighborhap, the social networking application for neighborhoods. We look for interesting people to talk to. Maybe somebody needs their message amplified. Maybe somebody is confused about something. Maybe they need to answer for something that's happened before. We've had murderers on the show.

[B]

Yep, that was the first and it was just last time.

[A]

I don't think it was a first.

[B]

Oh, I would say this person was the first time. I feel like that takes the cake. That guess so far is probably the top murderer first.

[A]

Multiple murderer and arsonist.

[C]

True.

[B]

Correct.

[A]

I could be wrong about that too. Anyway, if you think you've seen a post that we should talk about, why don't you screenshot it and send it to us at Burton Joan gmail.com? like this was submitted by a listener named Brett Gleason. Thank you, Brett. This is posted in the general section by Kathy. Kathy writes, Philadelphia chive and onion is lacking. I don't know what's up with this cream cheese spread, but I bought Philadelphia chive and onion cream cheese from a local grocer, and it onion or it's just really small. Either way, there needs to be more onion in our cream cheese when we buy it. Here to talk more about that is Kathy. Kathy, welcome to the neighborhood listener.

[B]

Hi, Kathy.

[C]

Hey, guys. So thrilled to be here. So nice to meet you, Joan. So nice to meet you, Bert. Doug. Oh, Doug, thanks for being here.

[B]

Do you listen to the podcast?

[A]

I do.

[C]

Big fan. Big fan.

[B]

Thank you very much.

[C]

You guys had on that murderer. That was. That was something.

[A]

Something is a good way to.

[B]

Boy, oh, boy, we hope that this one's gonna be. You don't have any secrets, do you, Kathy? Come on.

[C]

Come on. I'm here to talk about cream cheese. Okay.

[B]

Can we clearly.

[A]

Can we ask you about your name?

[C]

Yes, of course. I'm named after my father, Catherine, who's named after his father, Catherine.

[B]

Really?

[C]

Going all the way back to ye olde England, right?

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Yeah. So I come from a long line of Catherine's. It was a man's name in a different time.

[B]

There's a lot of Sense.

[C]

Once upon a time. Incredibly masculine. Some of the strongest men that ever lived were named Kathy's. I come from, you know, it's kind of. I think it's England's kind of version of like Ajax or Achilles.

[B]

Oh, wow, I didn't know that. Okay, like, named after a God.

[C]

Very much so.

[A]

Now, you went with the ie. Is that your choice or was that.

[C]

Oh. To switch it up to Kathy? Well, I think. Well, legally, I'm a Catherine.

[A]

Right.

[C]

But you know, in the way that my dad. Dad's Catherine Jr. Or KJ. His father was Catherine the. I think fourth or fifth. So I'm Kathy. But, you know, you guys can call me K or Special K. If you want to give me some kind of fun nickname you want us to call you. I mean, Special K is a pretty fun name, right? You're not supposed to come up with your own nickname.

[B]

No, no.

[A]

You just made a suggestion I suggested.

[C]

And if you call me Special K, that could be fun and cool.

[B]

Okay, great. Well, we'll call you Special K. We want to get to feel welcome.

[C]

That's so fun. That's so cool. Yeah, call me Special K. All right.

[A]

Now, Special K. Yes. You have a real gripe with Philadelphia chive and onion cream cheese.

[C]

Big time. Have you guys ever had it?

[A]

I don't recall.

[B]

I haven't. But what my question is, whenever I hear chive and onion. See, this is weird because sometimes people call a spring onion a chive. It's the same thing. A chive is just a teenier spring onion.

[A]

I didn't know that.

[B]

Okay, it is. It's just a type of it, you know.

[D]

What about green onion?

[B]

Yeah, sorry. Or green onion. They can be called the same thing.

[C]

Green onions, spring onions, green onions and onions.

[A]

I thought a green onion was a scallion.

[B]

I feel like it can also be called that. There's like very many.

[A]

It can't be ate things.

[C]

Yes. Also. Are ramps in the mix? You guys heard of ramps?

[A]

I've heard of ramps.

[D]

A ramp scallion.

[C]

It's a ramp scallion.

[A]

A ramp and a chive. These are the things that a chive. I could not tell you what it looked like. Oh, somebody said, here's a lineup of vegetables.

[B]

It's a teeny little. It looks like. Okay, if you can picture, you're behind a mirror.

[A]

Yes, I'm behind a two way mirror.

[B]

And they're lined up.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

It's onion. Onion. Benico del toro. Onion. Onion. Leek.

[A]

Can I hear number four say, I'm a chive.

[D]

Inches tall.

[C]

I can't tell you what a chive looks like, because in the Philadelphia cream cheese, there are chives.

[B]

I'm gonna do this.

[C]

There are many chives. That's right. Many chives.

[B]

But here's the thing. So I believe chive is in the onion family. I could be wrong. So to see chive and onion feels a little redundant. And were you expecting to see chunks of actual. On a white onion? Is that what you're talking about?

[C]

God damn. I was. All right. And if they're in the same family. All right, Someone has been abducted because here is brother Chive. Where is sister Onion? Sister Onion is nowhere. And I'll tell you. You buy it. You buy it. And on the box is a beautiful picture of a white or perhaps yellow onion.

[B]

Oh, interesting.

[C]

Okay, so that is right there. And I open it up, and I. I'll tell you. I went through. I did one light layer. No, plenty of chives. Plenty of little green chives. No onion. I ended up emptying the whole thing out because I thought maybe it's like a. I got a gas. Is it chinobi? What is. What's the yogurt? What's fruit chobani? Fruit on the bottom. Right. I thought. I thought this might be an onion on the bottom situation.

[B]

Oh, see, that doesn't sound appealing to me.

[C]

You have to mix it up to get all of the flavor involved.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Was not there.

[B]

Okay, so, Kathy, I'm gonna give you that. False advertising. If there's a picture of a chive and you see chive, great. There's a picture of an onion. You need to see an onion. In my mind, onion, to me, though, implies flavor, flavoring of the onion. And I. Me, personally, I don't want to dip into something and get a chunk of onion. That's just me. It's a salsa.

[C]

We don't live in your head and your world. Okay?

[B]

It just got in my face. All right, so Kathy just got ripped. I don't want to.

[C]

To scream at anyone.

[B]

All right? Oh, wow.

[C]

Joan.

[B]

Yeah, I get Special K. Special K. Chill out. Chill out.

[C]

God, it is so fun.

[A]

To be fair, I understand where Kathy is coming from, because this is. This is Special K's one big gripe here. And you're saying, actually, I don't want that.

[B]

I. But if you listen. I began by saying, I understand what you're saying. I understand.

[D]

He'll never listen.

[C]

Yes, well, I understood the beginning. I was all in on the beginning.

[B]

And I just said, for me, I can't relate to the anger. I appreciate it. I have empathy for it.

[A]

I don't think that that's a good call.

[B]

All right, fine. What do you got burnt? You go.

[A]

I will say this. I do think it is outrageous when they put a picture of a whole onion in the artwork.

[B]

Whole onion, I agree.

[C]

And they're kind of flying. They're flying around in the Philadelphia sky. You know, the little sky that they have onions floating in the sky.

[A]

I don't know about the little sky.

[B]

You're talking about the pack on the inside, the package.

[C]

Like, I think the.

[A]

I have to look it up.

[C]

Philadelphia is, like, very sky oriented. I think there's a lot of clouds and things.

[A]

It is. I understand. It's a place where the sky. There's more sky.

[C]

There's a lot of.

[A]

Yeah, it's one of those cities that has more sky.

[C]

I heard Philadelphia is in the quote unquote, big sky country.

[B]

That's right. And. And here, just so you can see, this is the difference between a green onion and a chive. You see how similar they are? They're in the same family. Chive is just skinnier.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Do you see? So now there you go.

[A]

That's why you spoke the truth.

[B]

Well, thank you. And so there's a lot of different types of onions. But you wanted what was on the label.

[C]

Yeah. A mug shot of a chive. Chives about three inches, I think, based on the.

[B]

This chive did time, that's for sure.

[C]

Yeah. So I'm just. I came on this podcast to kind of amplify my message, because I want to build a coalition of people willing to go to Philadelphia and fight.

[A]

I mean, hold on a second. You want people to take arms?

[B]

Yes.

[D]

I don't want that.

[C]

Oh, well, I don't know what the fighting looks like. All right. But I think if we show up at the Philadelphia factory with numbers and demand that they put onions in the cream cheese, we can enact real change.

[B]

Okay. I have a couple of questions.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

Sorry. Go ahead, babe. All right, Go for it.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

I was just wondering. Go ahead. Do you think the Philadelphia factory has a little tinfoil thing that you peel off?

[B]

Well, to get it as the roof?

[D]

Yeah. Either the roof or the door.

[C]

Well, if it is, I'm going to need bodies. Doug. I'm going to need. Doug. I'm going to need bodies.

[D]

Pull the body.

[C]

Big foil thing right off the top of this place.

[A]

But then it's resealable.

[C]

It's kind of like, I think, like a big. Like a football stadium, you know? Yeah, exactly.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

No, I'm very quickly. Special K. I'm looking at a picture of Philadelphia cream cheese, chive and onion.

[B]

I want to see.

[A]

And I don't. I don't see the sky that you're talking about.

[C]

You don't see the sky?

[B]

I think it's on the inside, right? It's on the. Gonna be on the foil that's in the inside.

[C]

Yeah, it's on the foil that's on the inside.

[A]

I wish I could open up this picture.

[B]

Special cages. Said that. Because I said that.

[A]

It did sound like that.

[B]

Here's. I have a few questions. Special today, please. One is, did you get any responses to this post that you made?

[A]

Oh, great question, Joan.

[C]

I had. There were several people, I think, who thought I was joking or made some kind of. I made this post in a humorous manner.

[B]

I can see that.

[C]

You know, I immediately blocked those people because they're not true believers. I think some people did have maybe the empathetic, quote, unquote response that you provided to me, Joan, of like. Well, I think they just mean flavor. And I, I, I think that when, when those posts came, I, like, I just saw red, much like when I screamed at you, because it just doesn't make sense. Like, onion is a flavor, but if you're gonna put chives in it, why aren't you putting onions?

[B]

I'd ask you to sit down. I'm gonna ask you to sit down.

[A]

Are you sure? Please sit down.

[B]

Put down the vase. Put down the vase. Okay.

[C]

This is a very gorgeous face.

[B]

Thank you. Please put down. Yes. Yes.

[C]

Yeah, it's great. One of my. That was. That spring catalog was incredible.

[B]

Oh, I agree with you.

[C]

Sorry.

[B]

So let's just chill out for a second, okay? Get worked up. I want to let. Let's take us back in time. Okay. So when you first had Philadelphia. I'm so glad you're with me. Philadelphia cream cheese. Are there other. Did you start. Did. How long have you been enjoying this product? Did you start plain? And then have you tried any other flavors? And do you notice the same discrepancy?

[C]

You know, these are great questions. These are great questions, because I think you're giving me the chance to defend my platform. All right? Because when I had. Of course I started playing. Of course I started playing.

[B]

Everybody started playing.

[C]

I started playing block. Yeah.

[B]

Playing block.

[A]

Plain block.

[B]

Yep, I did.

[C]

Yes, exactly. And I said, this is an incredible product.

[B]

It really is.

[C]

These, this.

[A]

I think that's our first experience. Everybody's first experience. This is incredible.

[C]

These people have Mastered. Mustard, cream cheese, whatever that is.

[B]

Right.

[C]

Then I tried strawberry.

[A]

You guys had strawberries.

[B]

It's so crazy, because I was gonna ask you first about strawberry.

[C]

It's incredible.

[A]

It's incredible.

[B]

It's really wonderful.

[C]

And even though I can't see the strawberries in it, this is what I'm getting at. It's pink. It's pink. It's pink. So there were strawberries in it once upon a time.

[B]

Okay, so then my question immediately, then after is onion is white.

[A]

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

[B]

So it's burnt, but I'm sorry.

[C]

Close.

[B]

I'm sorry.

[A]

I know, I know, I know. The color pink indicates that there were strawberries in it once upon a time

[C]

in the journey of that cream cheese.

[A]

Right.

[C]

Strawberries were.

[B]

But it's been there for a while.

[C]

I know what plain cream cheese looks like. It's white.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

Right. We all know.

[C]

So strawberry cream cheese is pink.

[A]

Right.

[C]

Where does pink come from? Strawberry.

[B]

So I'm so.

[C]

So we're all on the same page.

[D]

I mean, that checks out in a way.

[B]

But my question is.

[C]

Get in here, man. I can't believe you guys never let Doug in here.

[B]

He's coming out. He likes to record in a different room every time.

[C]

Of course.

[B]

My question then is why he stays busy.

[A]

Doug stays busy.

[B]

The chive and onion cream cheese is. The base is white, and the onion is white. So why don't you also make the same assumption? Oh, I'm okay with that. Because it's white. Just like the strawberries. Hey, there were onions in here at some second.

[D]

Wow.

[A]

And. And I think I'm. I'm. I think I know what you're going to say.

[C]

Can you actually move this vase away from me?

[A]

Because.

[B]

Take it.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Onions are not pure white. So white that they can fade into the cream cheese, but. Is that what you were going to say?

[C]

Very much so.

[B]

If you. It depends. If they're raw, they are absolutely white. Okay. They only become a little translucent. If you cook them, you caramelize them, Then they become brown.

[A]

But they pimp around.

[B]

They become brown.

[A]

Oh, you caramelize them. They pimp around.

[C]

Can I. Can I actually introduce something, please? That I think was another hill that I died on and really I think has had kind of catastrophic.

[A]

I've never heard someone put that in the past tense. That he actually did die on.

[B]

That either died on it or went down the hill and decided not worth dying for anymore.

[C]

Well, I mean, it's part of the reason I moved to Dignity Falls, which Was that the issue that came up in another part of my life?

[B]

Oh, interesting.

[C]

And I feel like in this moment, as I have this conversation, Joan, as you kind of scream at me.

[B]

Okay, now wait a minute.

[C]

Am I the one screaming at this? Objection. Like, I think I. Well, it's not me. I just. Just to make sure that I'm. I'm not in, like, you know, surrounded by the enemy.

[B]

You're not. You're not Special K. We're. Hey, Special K. Special K work.

[C]

God, it's so cool and fun when you say it.

[A]

Would an enemy go.

[C]

You guys know blue raspberries?

[B]

Well, the flavor. I'm okay. Not personally, but Doug, that's my man.

[C]

Well, you guys know. Have you guys ever seen a blue raspberry?

[B]

I personally have not.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Oh, Bernd's gonna go with that. He's gonna abstain. He doesn't know.

[A]

Am I thinking of. I didn't. You know what I'm gonna say?

[C]

No.

[A]

Because I didn't know they were a thing.

[B]

Well, I don't think they are.

[C]

Oh, what are you talking about?

[B]

Okay, tell me.

[C]

Jolly Ranches, Ices. These things are filled with blue raspberries.

[B]

That's okay. I see.

[C]

And yet when I go to ask, can I get a blue raspberry? Because I enjoy that flavor so much. I enjoy that flavor so much in the Ices and the Jolly Ranchers. I go to my local supermarket and I say, can I get some blue raspberries?

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Because I really enjoy them, and I like to. And they tell me that they don't have them. And then I'm on top of the checkout land, screaming, Right, Sure. Bring out the balloons on the belt. Well, because nobody. Everyone keeps. Nobody's listening to me. And are you.

[A]

Are you gliding along Jamiroquai style?

[C]

Yes, because I think they're trying to turn it on to make it so that I can't stand on it. But I have great balance. And I'm saying, show me the blue raspberries. And they are not bringing them out here.

[B]

Well, did they ever say to you it's because they don't exist?

[C]

Yeah, of course they did.

[B]

Oh, they did.

[C]

Well, but what flavors the Jolly Rancher? What flavor's the icy?

[B]

That is an art. It's there something called artificial flavor?

[C]

What the fuck are you talking about? Joe?

[A]

No, no, no.

[B]

Oh, God. He went all the way over and

[A]

grabbed the vase again. You had sorted it down.

[B]

Please put the vase far enough away, Burns.

[A]

I didn't think he was gonna come

[C]

all the way over here.

[B]

Okay. Okay.

[A]

All right, now. Now, a special K for these candies, for these sort of fun consumables. They do make up flavors.

[B]

How?

[C]

With what?

[A]

With artificial color.

[B]

Yeah, color.

[A]

They just call it whatever they want, and then they color it whatever they want.

[B]

It's just chemistry, really.

[A]

It's really just chemistry.

[B]

Have you ever had a grape? Like a red grape?

[C]

Yeah, of course. A delicious red grape.

[B]

And then have you ever had, like a grape Popsicle? And did it taste the same? Do you think they taste the same?

[C]

They tasted similar. And it was purple, much like the grape from which it was birthed.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Watermelon. I love watermelon. Watermelon flavored things.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Taste nothing like actual watermelon, which is just wet pink.

[C]

Yeah, I'm very familiar with. Yeah, there's some discrepancies, but I'm assuming that just happens in the factory, you know.

[A]

No, it happens.

[B]

It happens on purpose. Yes.

[A]

Because everyone knows watermelon does not have a strong enough taste of its own. So we really got to invent the flavor of watermelon for watermelon flavored things.

[B]

And maybe there could be an extract sometimes of a certain flavor, but there's always a lot of sugar added, there's dyes added, additives added.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

And I don't want you to get mad about the word additives.

[C]

I'm not going to get mad.

[B]

Very mad about it.

[C]

All right. I'm going to walk with you guys, right? I'm going to come down from my perch on Truth Mountain, and I'm gonna come down to whatever world you're living in, and I'm gonna walk with you. I'm gonna walk with you for just a. You're telling me that some in it at the Philadelphia Cream Cheese Factory, Good, honest people who have an incredible product.

[B]

I mean, I can't speak to their

[C]

character, but you're telling me they're adding fake onion to give it onion flavor.

[B]

In fact, what you just said, onion flavor is what you might be able to see actually written on the back of it. Yes. Onion flavoring or.

[C]

I'm sorry, I did not. I tore the package asunder in search of onion bit, and I could not find it, so there was nothing to read afterward.

[B]

Can I really quickly establish. So this incident that happened with you on the. On the. On the conveyor belt, is this why you had to leave that town?

[C]

Yeah. Yeah. Because it was a small town and I kicked someone in the head while I was up there screaming about blue raspberry.

[B]

Oh, yeah, that's not good.

[C]

And you know, they didn't to want. Want to. They barred me from the council meetings, and it just wasn't a good vibe, so.

[B]

Okay. And then you came here. But I'd like to know a little bit more about Special K. What do you do for a living? Do you have a family? Do you have a partner?

[C]

Yes, I'm a. I do automotive accident lawyering. I'm kind of in that world.

[B]

Uh huh huh.

[A]

And that's what they call it.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Automotive accident lawyering.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

It's a. It's a really exciting field.

[B]

It's a really mean automotive accident lawyer. Is that you?

[C]

That's me. Yes. Yes. Because I don't, I don't. I didn't. I was worried that some people would look. Google my face if I. That came up, so. Yes. But I am the accidental automotive lawyer.

[A]

Now, you had the bus ads where your number was 0000001.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

And the problem was you couldn't get past the first zero because it would automatically call the office.

[C]

Yes. It's been tough. I've been trying to break false market for a minute now. But that was the. I want, you know, you want a local number, you want.

[B]

Sure.

[C]

You want something that stands out on. On a billboard. And I was like, big, let's go. All zeros. And, you know.

[A]

Very catchy.

[B]

Yeah, it was.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

And I think people have people come up to me on the street and they say, I really want to work with you. I just don't know how to call you. And I. And then I say, I have an email. Yeah, I have an email. Oh, what's your email@gmail, hotmail.com. And I swear people keep telling me they're getting the mailer demon, but I,

[B]

I, Yeah, I can see the problem.

[C]

I'll tell you two things I hate in this world. Philadelphia cream cheese, onion and chive, and a goddamn mailer demon.

[A]

Wow. I hope they never team up.

[C]

Yeah. God, you know, help us all.

[D]

I have some explosive information.

[C]

Holy.

[A]

I wonder if it's the same information that I have.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

Did you look up the enc ingredients?

[D]

I did.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

All right, first of all, I looked up all angles of the packaging.

[B]

Doug looked at it from every angle.

[A]

I tried to see that sky.

[D]

Okay, first of all, we'll start here. There's a full half an onion stuck in the cream cheese on the COVID Yes. There's no sky that I can see.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Okay. Maybe I made that up.

[B]

So we're not seeing sky.

[C]

I will say maybe I made it up.

[B]

Okay, that hand said that. That's. Hey, you know what? Special gay thing. That's progress.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

That's gross.

[D]

No one's reading reached the very top of Truth Mountain.

[C]

Not yet, but I'll tell you, I'm very close.

[A]

We're all always hiking up there.

[C]

Exactly.

[A]

Yes.

[D]

I'm taking the gondola.

[A]

Can I reveal the bombshell of ingredients?

[D]

Can I reveal.

[B]

Oh, my gosh. Can I stop?

[C]

There's too many bombshells.

[B]

What's happening?

[D]

I'll let you say the ingredients.

[B]

Are you gonna say it at the same time?

[D]

Can I say the marketing?

[A]

Sure. Say the marketing sticker.

[B]

Okay. Say the marketing.

[A]

Say the marketing sticker.

[D]

Philadelphia stays deliciously rich. No artificial preservatives, no artificial flavors. And then no artificial diet.

[A]

Following that. Following that. Okay. Key ingredients.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Pasteurized milk and cream. Whey protein concentrate.

[C]

Yum.

[A]

Third ingredient. Dried chives and dried onion.

[B]

There you go.

[C]

Bombshell.

[A]

So now that means a special case day.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Has reached the top of Truth Mountain.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Because if they're saying there's dried onions in there, you can't find a physical onion. No. Onion is so dry that it can't be found.

[B]

Wait a minute. Bert. That's Bert.

[C]

Welcome to the coalition.

[B]

If you go to my T shirts,

[C]

me, you, and Doug, we're going to Philadelphia.

[B]

Let me explain, all right, John? If there's. If there's. If there's any. You go to any spice rack, okay? You go to mine right in the kitchen right here, okay? You're going to see onion powered, and you're gonna see onion salt, right? And I think that is. Basically, that's why it's sort of like a freeze dried onion. It is still real onion, but you can't see it once it's mixed in. I don't think it's a lie.

[A]

You're saying that dried onions are the same thing as onion salt or onion powder?

[B]

Because salt and powder similar. Okay, Joan, you guys are. Now you're. Now you've got the vase.

[C]

Put the vase.

[A]

I will smash his vase. Wait, wait, wait.

[D]

Please don't look in the vase.

[B]

Vase.

[D]

That's all I'll say.

[A]

Don't look in it.

[C]

No, just please don't look in the vase.

[A]

It's just an empty vase. What's in it?

[D]

There's a bunch of raisins in there.

[A]

Don't look. Oh, my God. This thing is packed with raisin. No wonder it's so heavy.

[C]

Oh, God.

[D]

I throw the Raisins sometimes because Joan puts too much in the food.

[B]

Oh, my God. Okay, fine. I already. Guys, I got super trolled for putting raisin to my spaghetti once. And I. I did. I didn't do it. Except for, like, maybe a few times at, like, picnic. I didn't know that's what you were doing.

[A]

This is disgusting.

[D]

You can put raisins in a lot of things.

[B]

Well, there's a lot of things you can put raisins in. I understand not to do it in pasta.

[C]

Now I'm with you, though. Cause I do think there is something. I feel like there's a fun culinary end to having a bit of sweet. I mean, tomatoes are sweet and acidic. A little bit of raisin, like, it feels. And a little bit of texture there. Okay, so I see what you were trying to do.

[B]

I appreciate that.

[C]

But maybe you just, you know, maybe we could work that out once you come with me to the Philadelphia factory. To fight the powers that be, you gotta fight the power.

[B]

I still. Put me down. Put me down.

[A]

Turn some. Turn some special.

[C]

Please put me down some fruit.

[D]

Card up in that track. Oh, boy.

[A]

But Joan was a little bit fun

[B]

to be lifted up.

[C]

It's fun to be lifted up.

[B]

It's a light. It's fun to be a light.

[D]

I don't want to stall on Truth Mountain because there's dead bodies everywhere.

[B]

What?

[A]

O. Okay. I don't think we have to. We have to explore every aspect of the mountain metaphor.

[B]

Yeah. Maybe we can scale back on the. Go on the. For the season.

[A]

All right, so. Okay, so I have to say that after all of this discussion, I'm completely with Kathy on this.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

If you are purporting to have not only by image, but also by ingredient, physical onions in your product, and there's nothing in there because there are physical chives in there.

[B]

I understand that.

[D]

Do you?

[B]

Yes.

[C]

We are gonna smash a vase, buddy.

[B]

To me. He put his fist down on. On the. On the kitchen island, and it actually cracked the marble. And I'm very upset. You're gonna be paying me back for that.

[A]

That was impressive.

[C]

It was.

[A]

Wait me.

[C]

Worth it.

[B]

You did burnt. I did that? Yes. No, you did it.

[A]

Oh, my God. My hand is bleeding.

[B]

Exactly.

[C]

I'll get a paper towel. Don't worry.

[B]

Okay, We. Careful here. That happens with a lot of products. It's not just Philadelphia chives and onion. Okay.

[A]

That doesn't make it right.

[B]

I understand that a lot, but are you going to take on it? Everyone does that. Wait a minute. Where do we jump to murder for.

[C]

I think the next logical. I think it is an apt place to become.

[B]

Here's my other suggestion. Chives is a recognizable, normal garnish for things. Right? Okay.

[A]

Chives is recognizable.

[B]

Chives is recognizable. Onion. You don't necessarily get something with like, a. Like a bunch of chopped raw onions.

[A]

You better not go to Chicago. I was gonna say, have you ever

[C]

been to a taco truck?

[B]

Okay, they both. You guys are both putting me up in the air. You're pulling me different directions. This hurts.

[A]

Catch, Burt.

[B]

Ow.

[C]

Ow. I'm gonna take you to a taco truck. All right.

[B]

Okay. I understand.

[A]

You are light as a feather.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Do you do Pilates? Like, what is. I mean, what's your secret? Truly.

[B]

Whatever. It's raisins. If you run another drew

[C]

now, I'll tell you. If there was a cream cheese with raisins in it, I'd eat it.

[A]

Ew.

[C]

I'm sorry.

[A]

I'm so sorry. That was. I did not. That was so involuntary.

[B]

Yeah, sure.

[A]

I do apologize.

[D]

I apologize.

[A]

Maybe I'm very dense.

[C]

Well, I tell you, you've got really good, like, your core.

[B]

You really thick calves.

[A]

I think my bones get thicker as they go down.

[C]

Whoa.

[A]

My skull. Very thin. My feet never broken a toe. Wow.

[C]

You should be in a Ripley's Believe it or not museum.

[B]

For real, you guys.

[C]

Have you guys ever been to those? I love a Ripley's Believe it or not museum.

[A]

I have. No. We've discussed Ripley's Believe.

[C]

Damn right you have.

[A]

And. And when I was a kid, I. I was. I was under the impression that Believe it or not meant some of these are fake. So you can believe it or not, and you're. You're probably covered, having deja vu, but I'm realizing, yeah, he just.

[B]

He just said that.

[A]

But what I realized later in life where there was saying these are true, and if you don't believe it, that's your fault. Yes. Everything we're saying is true.

[C]

Well, I'll tell you, I can't tell if Ripley's in Philadelphia are owned by the same people because it feels like that's how I feel when I look at these cream cheese packages. I don't know what to believe or not. And I'm choosing to believe. And here they are telling me it's not.

[A]

Because if they're lying about the onions, what else are they lying about?

[C]

What else are they lying about?

[A]

Are those really chives, do you think?

[B]

Pig? Strawberry.

[A]

It's not. Yes.

[C]

Is it in Philadelphia I don't.

[A]

You know, that idea, it has nothing to do with Philadelphia.

[C]

Really?

[A]

Philadelphia cream cheese? Yeah.

[C]

Really?

[A]

It's not from there.

[C]

Yeah, well, it's Philadelphia,

[A]

like, in a larger sense. I mean, I know that, but, like,

[C]

why would they call it Philadelphia cream cheese?

[B]

It's a good question. Special K? I don't know. Bert really knows a lot about Philadelphia, though, so I would trust him, and

[A]

I think I'll look it up.

[C]

This is what's been hard for me about this whole process. Right. Is that I just love this cream cheese. I love their block cream cheese so much. And this. This first lie feels like I'm in a David Brown book. And it's just like, how deep does this go? Is the Pope Satan?

[B]

What?

[C]

Like, this is true.

[B]

That's such a jump.

[C]

It's a full. Well, don't you? But you understand that my whole world has been shaken, right?

[B]

I do.

[C]

My whole world.

[B]

Yes, I understand.

[A]

Satan sounds like one of those, you know? Is the Pope Satan?

[B]

That's right. If you want another drink.

[A]

Do I like cream cheese? It's the Pope Satan.

[D]

Does a hobby horse have a hickory. Hickory dick?

[C]

I'm sorry, Doug. This is a. I thought this was a family show. We pick up women and toss them, but we don't go there.

[D]

That's as far as I'll ever go.

[B]

Oh, is it?

[D]

I love that.

[B]

Hickory dick.

[C]

Hickory dick.

[A]

Hickory dock. Hickory dickory.

[B]

All right, then let me. Wait, wait, wait. I have to ask a question. You said, do you. Okay. When you were first trying the chive and onion cream cheese, do you think it's delicious? Delicious.

[C]

It's amazing.

[B]

Okay, so here's my question.

[C]

It's my favorite cream cheese.

[B]

Okay, so that's my question. Could you just kind of get past it because you love it? And if it's so bothersome that it doesn't have real onion in it, I understand. It's less about actually having onion in it, more about the principle and the promise. But you could always just chop up some onions, put them in there. You could just add to it. You can make it your perfect cream cheese.

[A]

I can't sign off on that.

[B]

Oh, boy.

[A]

I think that they are. What we're talking about here is a principle.

[B]

I just said that. I just said that.

[C]

Joan, my apple watch is telling me that the decibel level in this room is. It's extremely loud.

[B]

I have been tossed around by y'. All, Okay? I have been yelling.

[A]

You enjoyed it. Not the yelling out part.

[B]

I'm just saying.

[A]

You did have fun Being tossed around. We can toss around again.

[B]

I'm trying to find solutions. Could you.

[A]

Yes. Here, Joan. Here we go.

[C]

To me.

[B]

Oh. Oh, okay. All right, that's enough. I am just trying to find solutions. That's all I'm trying to do. Here's why. Because I. Because I really need Special K to know that this happens with food across the board. So many things that are processed, so many things that are prepackaged. There's a. It's not just Philadelphia. So what are you going to do? Okay, but where are you going to go? We already know it's not Philadelphia. Find out where it is.

[A]

Sometimes people aren't looking for solutions. They want to be heard.

[B]

I guess. But. But Special Kate wants action.

[C]

I want action.

[B]

Special Kate wants a coalition of what you're going to call it. You could just give us the acronym if you want.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Here, I'll read this while you think.

[C]

Yeah. Of course.

[A]

In the late 19th century, Philadelphia was considered a premier source of high quality dairy, making it a brand associated with luxury, similar to modern perceptions of Swiss chocolate.

[C]

Got it. So they chose the name Philadelphia because it evoked Philadelphia, a dairy city.

[A]

Oh, Philadelphia Dairy cream cheese from Philadelphia. And. And it was never produced in Philadelphia. Was invented in New York.

[B]

Oh, boy.

[A]

New York City.

[B]

Okay. I should have known that was coming.

[D]

Get a rope.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

The name of my coalition.

[B]

Yes.

[D]

Yes.

[C]

Will be. It'll be wd. Here we go. O A wdoa.

[B]

Okay. What was this stand for?

[C]

Where the Onion at? So me and the members of the wd w d o a. Hopefully we'll be able to start WDOA Tractors in cities across America.

[A]

I mean, I'd like to see it.

[B]

I think it's catchy. And then, you know, you could be chanting that. Yeah. Would you have.

[A]

Would you have, like, you know, the people in the Midwest have those cheese hats? Would you have onion hats?

[C]

I think so. I think we'd have a big onion hat. And we'd be armed.

[A]

Oh, wait a minute.

[B]

Wait a minute, Wait a minute.

[A]

I don't know if you need to get armed.

[B]

No.

[C]

Because I think. Well, I'm taking a lot from. I think the. The groups that I have seen be impactful. The Nation of Islam.

[B]

Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Okay.

[A]

The Black Panther seems to work.

[B]

That's big guns. That's.

[C]

We're all gonna wear onion hats.

[B]

I might argue that the stakes were a little higher in those situations. This is just about.

[C]

You think this isn't as important?

[B]

Well, I don't think it warrants weapons.

[A]

If they'd stayed committed. Maybe there would be more. There would be onions in that cream cheese.

[D]

Hats on.

[C]

Exactly. And I'm open to your point, Joan. I'm open to a world. If they want to package an onion.

[A]

You don't have to pick her up for this.

[B]

Yeah. I don't know what's happening. He's actually kind of cradling me. He's actually just taking me back and forth.

[C]

That's why I didn't say anything.

[A]

I'm a little jealous.

[B]

It's pretty great.

[C]

I am listening. All right. I'm not so high on Truth Mountain that I can't come and meet you where you're at. If they want to package. If they want to give me a half onion. Kind of like when you get, like, a take and bake where they have all the things you need to make the thing at home. If they wanted to put a half onion on top of every Philadelphia cream cheese, and. And I chop it at home myself and put it on top to my liking. I'm open to that.

[B]

That's great. Like, you mean, like some of that sometimes you see in, like, an airport is like a parfait or a yogurt that has a little prepackaged granola above it. Now, that's a good idea. It's not dissimilar from my idea.

[C]

Well, no, it is your idea. Your idea, I'm saying, Joan, I'm open to that, but I will not. I will not pay an additional fee to buy my own separate.

[D]

They should also include a little blade. You chop it up.

[C]

Yeah. Kind of like.

[D]

Like a good fellas.

[A]

Garlic in it.

[C]

Nice and small so it melts into the. Well, do you think that's what it is? Oh, my God, Doug.

[A]

Everything.

[C]

Did you just blow this wide open? Is it a good fella situation?

[A]

So they have. They have so finely cut the onions, the dried onions that they have dissolved into the cream cheese.

[C]

Whoa.

[B]

That could be it.

[C]

I never even thought of that.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

Maybe I don't need to get guys in onion hats with assault rifles.

[A]

Maybe you don't.

[C]

Maybe I don't.

[B]

I don't think so.

[C]

Maybe they're just cutting it so thin it dissolves.

[B]

Yeah. Also, you can put me down now.

[C]

Sorry. Oh, thank you. Wow.

[D]

Maybe onion. Is that everywhere?

[C]

Maybe.

[A]

Okay. What do you mean, maybe onion is everywhere, Doug?

[D]

Well, if it's so finely ground, then it's just in the air.

[B]

Oh, no, no.

[A]

In the air.

[D]

I took it too far.

[A]

You took it too far.

[B]

Okay. I'm glad that you noticed.

[C]

That.

[B]

I'm glad you noticed that.

[C]

Oh, guys.

[B]

Well, I think that we actually made some progress.

[A]

I think we did.

[B]

You're welcome.

[C]

To feel better.

[A]

That's what the show is all about.

[B]

I'm so glad.

[C]

God damn.

[A]

See, we talk about the issues in this neighborhood.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

And then sometimes we can resolve something, and it's a good feeling.

[B]

It's rare. And it's a good feeling.

[A]

It's rare.

[C]

Dude, I'm so glad I jumped up on that cash register and kicked that senior citizen in the head when I had to move to Dixon Falls. This is where I'm supposed to be.

[B]

Okay. Okay. And also, is there anything. I mean, now that everyone is listening, do you want to give them a better way to get a hold of you if they have an accident or an injury, if they need a lawyer?

[C]

Yeah, of course. If. Of course, you can always call me at my number. 000-0-001.

[B]

There's. But that is your cell. Do you have a cell? Do you have a different phone number?

[C]

No, I only do a landline.

[B]

Okay. Okay.

[C]

Because they're listening, Joan. You know, they're listening.

[B]

All right. Okay.

[C]

If you want to get in touch with me via email again, that'[e-mail]. and then, of course, yes, it is. HTTP, colon, slash www. Tth oh.

[B]

Oh, wait a second. Wait a second.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Well, I.

[C]

You have to stand out. It's a crowded market Fair.

[B]

Fair.

[C]

And I think it just. It invites intrigue.

[B]

But you need to have something about accident or injury. Are you done with it?

[A]

I think some W's need to be in there.

[C]

No, that. No, that's the whole thing.

[B]

Oh, that's the whole thing.

[C]

It ends in a couple colon.

[A]

I don't. Oh, that's. I don't know about that.

[B]

I'm not sure that. I'm not sure that's going to work as a link.

[A]

Yes. But of course you have a physical office.

[C]

We do. Yes. Yeah, we're over on 212 Woodrow Wilson Lane.

[A]

Great.

[B]

There you go.

[A]

So stop by.

[C]

Stop by. Come on in. If you're in an automotive accident and you need lawyering, I'm your man.

[B]

Okay. Special camera.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Special K. We wish you the best of luck.

[A]

We really do. And thank you so much for coming on the show. I'm so glad that we could come to a satisfying conclusion on these things.

[C]

100%. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna call Philadelphia. I'm gonna maybe see some videos. And once I see the little knife that's cutting the onion so thin that it disappears. Everything will be good. And if it's not, get your onion hats on, grab your guns, and I'll see you in the streets.

[B]

Okay. I think we were so close.

[A]

Rogers were still alive to. To show us video of these onions being chopped up.

[B]

So finally, that's what we need.

[A]

He left us too soon.

[C]

Much too soon.

[A]

All right, well, thank you so much, Special K. Of course. We'll be back with more neighbor listen when the neighbor listen comes back.

[B]

Hi, my name is Dory. I have an authentic Chopard happy diamonds ring, size 6, worn once, absolutely gorgeous for 2200. Elegant 18K, white gold ring, heart design and floating diamond. I mean, it's a little awkward to share this, but I bought this ring for myself because I was going to propose to myself because I have not had good relationships. And I decided this year I'm gonna invest in me. I'm gonna invest in me. And so I'm my favorite person in the whole entire world. So I decided I'm gonna get myself a gift, and I'm going to. Going to commit myself to myself for eternity through everything. Sickness, health, all of it. Good times bad. And it turns out I. I am not a good partner to myself. I annoyed the hell out of myself. Like, the honeymoon period was really short. Okay, you guys. It lasted one day because I've only worn it once. And then I was gonna give it back to myself, but then I'm like, does that even make a difference? So come get it. I just hope that I can get the. I mean, I bought it for four $40,000, guys, so, like, 2200 is, like, basically a steal. But don't feel it for me

[A]

again. Welcome back to the neighborhood. Listen. Wow, that was really something.

[B]

Are you tired? Because you help. You toss me back and forth.

[A]

I am. No. Honestly, I can't believe how light you are. It's like. It's like nothing else.

[B]

Please. Whatever.

[A]

I'm just. I'm. I'm really. I feel very satisfied that we're able to resolve something.

[B]

Yeah, it's a really good feeling. Feeling. And it makes me realize how rare it. And I know I already said it, but it really, really is. Most of the time, we are just hands up in the air. We don't even know what to say.

[A]

Most of the time, we're saying good luck with a shrug. This time, we were saying good luck. And we really meant it.

[B]

We really meant it.

[A]

Wish him good luck. Now, he did say if he cannot see video of them or any Kind of proof that they are chopping the onion so finely dissolved.

[B]

There was that last minute thing he said that would.

[A]

Yes, he will raise an army.

[B]

I sure hope he does that.

[A]

I hope he doesn't do that because they're not going to take him seriously in the onion hats. And then a lot of people are going to die.

[B]

Oh, yeah. It could be awful. So I hope. I hope that that's not going to happen.

[A]

I hope that that's not going to happen.

[B]

How's it going in your. In. In the room, bae? Or I guess it's outside. Is it half outside, half inside? I'm so confused.

[A]

It's.

[D]

It's half outside, half.

[B]

Oh, okay. So you've got the sound effects ready.

[D]

But now I'm reconsidering building a Truth Mountain as part of it.

[A]

And what happened? What would happen there?

[B]

Is it like Choco Mountain? But it's true.

[D]

Slowly climbing up. Maybe. Maybe there's like a quiz along the way.

[B]

Quiz.

[D]

If you don't tell the truth.

[A]

Did you say Choco Mountain?

[B]

Yes. That's one of the. It's a track on my. On Mario Kart. And it's basically, you know, a chocolate mountain. That's fun.

[A]

I'm really not well versed in Mario Kart at all.

[B]

Mario Kart is so fun. It's real. I enjoy it. I fought against it for a long time. But we, I.

[D]

We got so into it as a family.

[B]

We did.

[D]

I got seatbelts for all of us. So we'd sit around.

[B]

He made it so, like. Yeah. We did it on massage chairs so that they would vibrate, you know, and sort of whatever. And, you know, you can actually play with people all around the world.

[A]

You're racing against people all around the world?

[C]

Yes.

[B]

You can join games where people are racing you all around.

[A]

Now, the last time I played a Mario Kart derivative, you go into. You're in space at some point.

[B]

Yeah. There's always the Rainbow Road. Yes.

[A]

Scary to me.

[B]

It's so scary. Burnt.

[A]

I am with you Made my stomach drop.

[B]

No, it's hard. It's very hard to do the Rainbow Road.

[A]

You're not meant to be.

[B]

It's hard to do the Rainbow Road in space. For sure.

[D]

There's no, there's no railing.

[B]

No. It's a very disorienting, very upsetting.

[D]

You're flying.

[A]

Well, you. You freeze.

[B]

You. Yes.

[A]

You know.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And the little marshmallow guy comes over or the little cloud guy comes and picks you up and puts you back on the Track.

[A]

Don't like it. I don't like it. What if you come back with a space virus?

[B]

You know what you could always do burnt. There's a. There's a kid sort of feature you can put on where it's a little hook on the back of your. Of your cart so you can't fall off. It's nice. You might enjoy that.

[A]

That is nice. I'm not a child, though. All right, Joe, we have time for one more post. Yes, and this is in the for sale section. This is someone named Errol posted this. He's selling something like Errol Flynn, but only one R. So. Like Errol Morris.

[B]

Oh, who's Errol Morris?

[D]

The.

[A]

The documentarian.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Yes. War. He's selling Bette Midler a view from Abroad. Autographed. Oh, there's a hardcover book by Bette Midler. It's a memoir.

[B]

Uhhuh.

[A]

And it's signed and there's a picture of the COVID Can I see it and that? Sure.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Beautiful cover.

[A]

Beautiful cover. And then there's a signature on the inside. And then. How much do you think he's asking for this?

[D]

No.

[B]

First of all, I'm insulted and offended that he's getting rid of it because that is a treasure and she is

[A]

an icon and it should be passed down to another generation rather than sold.

[B]

Just so I'm gonna guess. Oh, no. The way that you ask that question makes me think he's like way over asking. But then it makes me put a price on Bette Midler, which I can't do. She's. She's. She's priceless.

[A]

The divine Miss M50. But I'm ask. I'm asking you because you are a musical theater person.

[B]

I know.

[A]

And of course, you're well versed in the. In the cabaret world as well.

[B]

I know.

[A]

And Bette Midler strides. She stands astride those two worlds.

[B]

I know.

[A]

So you're gonna say $50.

[B]

Yeah, but that's not my. That's not what I would price it at. But that's my guess.

[A]

What would you price it at?

[B]

I wouldn't. I told you I would never sell.

[A]

Priceless.

[B]

Priceless.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You put in a glass case.

[B]

Correct. Just like the roads from Beauty and the Beast. Well, that's the only famous glass case I know.

[A]

What did the rose. Why was it in the. What did the rose.

[B]

Remember the. The witch. The witch came and asked for shelter from bitter cold.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And then, repulsed by her haggard appearance, the prince sneered at the gift she offered to.

[A]

Oh, he Was a prince?

[B]

Yes, he was a prince. And he was really handsome. And he was a dick.

[A]

He was like, you're too gross to come in here.

[B]

He was like, disgusting. And then she was like, but here's a rose for you. Rose. And he was like, go away. And then she said, oh, well, all right. You know, if. Here's the problem. He. He still. He's. I can't remember if he took it or not. Yes, he did. He must have, because immediate. No, no, no. Here's what happened. Here's what happened. I remembered immediately. She turned him into a hit a hideous beast because he refused her. And then she turned into a beautiful princess. A beautiful enchantress. That's what it is. That's the word. A beautiful enchantress.

[A]

Was this a setup?

[B]

I probably. She just. She goes around and she wants to

[A]

teach people lessons because if you're magic like that, make an umbrella. You know what I mean? It's your problem.

[B]

She wanted to teach him a lesson, so she said, here, we're gonna put.

[A]

How did she know he needed to be taught a lesson?

[B]

He's probably been talked about in town. Like, he had a prince. He totally had a rep. And she was like, I'll go take care of it. Actually, no. She was like, I'll go take care of it because she's beautiful.

[A]

I'm beautiful.

[B]

Then she. Yeah, and that's right. And then only two types of women. Only two types of women. Only two types of women, according to the movies.

[D]

Need to stop the witch voices.

[B]

Oh, I'm sorry, babe.

[D]

Is it. It really scares me.

[B]

No, really.

[A]

Come on.

[B]

Scary dog.

[D]

Deer.

[B]

Oh, I got a deer. I guess I should stop.

[A]

Wow, really?

[B]

No witch voice. Never, never scares me.

[A]

When you do that, is it because you can't see us? Like, if you could see us, would it be less scary?

[B]

That's a good question. Question.

[D]

No.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Just as good.

[B]

All right, baby. I. I feel like maybe we've talked about it, but it's been a while, so we need to get into that later. But let me just finish the idea. Okay, so the rose, she says here, we're gonna put it under a glass. No, dome, not gnome. I know it sound like I said no a glass dome. And you have to that you can reverse the curse. Only if you can fall in true love and someone loves you back. And before the last petal falls. Right. So it slowly starts dying. You know what I mean? I think that's why he puts the glass foster ever to save it and try to make it live longer. He could put it in water, but I guess it's an enchantment.

[A]

Did anybody ever try talking to this guy? You know what I mean?

[B]

Why? Why did it have to. I assume this was the last resort. I assumed this was the last resort. They were like, they're down at the pub. They're like, what are we gonna do about this guy?

[A]

Do you think the witch was paid to do this? Like they recruited her. Like, look, we. This is the last resort.

[B]

Could have been. Could have been. They could have called her in it. But I think she likes it. It's probably her thing.

[A]

Of course she does.

[B]

Yeah. She gets off on it.

[A]

You know, it's like people who do parking enforcement.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

It's a hateful job.

[B]

Yes. You have to have some love.

[A]

You must love doing ruining people's days. Why else would you do it? How much money could it be? Do you think it's one of those secretly high paying jobs? It could be because it's such a despicable thing.

[D]

It must be.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The parking.

[B]

The parking meter maids in town have started wearing masks.

[D]

Why on earth wouldn't you give people just freebies the time?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Fear of parking.

[B]

I know where you're just like you

[A]

go back at the end of the day. Like they all did it, right? Weird.

[B]

All right, babe, I will not do the witch voice again for season 10 because we want it to be tensational. And how you have. You still have to tell me how much he's charging for this.

[A]

Now this is a book that's just got a signature that he says that Midler sign. Signature.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

No, there's no personalization of it at all.

[B]

I understand. But it is autographed.

[A]

There's no further message.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Just Bette Midler.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

$125.

[B]

Stop it. Well, that is dumb. That's just dumb.

[A]

That's what I thought. Now look, I am not the biggest bet I have nothing against Bette Midler. I'm certainly not her biggest fan. But that. What is that?

[B]

I don't know. It's hard for me to not judge people who don't think she's like one of the greatest things to ever happen to our life.

[A]

Okay, all right. I don't know what to do with that. One of the greatest things to ever happen to our lives.

[B]

I said what I said.

[A]

But $125 seems steep for a used book that is autographed.

[B]

I agree with you. I agree with you. Because that book probably, if you look on the back jacket, probably cost 25 bucks or something, right? Yeah. He's bumping it up a whole hundred dollars. And here's the thing that makes me think.

[A]

Please. Oh,

[B]

I think he might have autographed it himself. Well, Joan, that's exactly what I. Bette Miller would never. Would never. She always would put a little thing. And also it's written like horizontally, vertically. It's written really lazily and very lazy. Would not have done that.

[A]

It's also at the very top of the. Of the fly leaf.

[B]

Like, I think that he did that. I mean, I don't want to get into sort of analyzing her signature.

[A]

Because you can copy a signature. You can look it up.

[B]

Yes, of course you can.

[A]

Why is Wikipedia have people's signatures on there?

[B]

For this exact reason. So that. What's his name? What's his name? Errol with one R. The roll. Can't, can't, can't grift everybody here on this app. It's not what it's for.

[A]

Can't grift everybody here.

[D]

I know he thought 150 and then he was like 130. Yeah, if I hit 125, it won't sound too much.

[A]

I can't think of someone who I. I admire whose signature I would pay that much money. Not even Richard Gear.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, I'm getting that for you.

[A]

Maybe if he said something. If he said something about Arbitra.

[B]

The ball rolling on that. But now I'm going to. I'm going to just call it off.

[A]

If he had. If he had signed it Richard Gear from Arbor Tr. Entraj. Oh, I might be tempted.

[B]

Okay. All right. Well, then I'll see what I can do.

[A]

Well, I mean, how do I know you're not forging it?

[B]

There will be proof.

[A]

How can you prove this?

[B]

I. It's not. Listen, I will tell you when you tell me what this incident's gonna be. Okay? How about that?

[A]

Fair enough.

[B]

Fair enough. Yeah. Fair enough. That's what I thought you'd say.

[C]

I think we're in.

[A]

We're in good shape, though. I think the incident will be averted.

[B]

So cryptic. Well, that's good to know.

[A]

Learn from previous mistakes.

[B]

Okay. All right. I'll take your word for it, I guess. Can't do anything else.

[A]

I'm sorry we didn't talk about Romeo and Juliet more.

[B]

Well, I'm sure I'll have an update next time,

[A]

But that does it for this episode of the Neighborhood. Listen, if you would like to hear ad free versions of the show or get access to our bonus content. Go to cbbworld.com Sign up on the Maximus tier and you will get one those delicious goodies.

[B]

You heard it here. Delicious goodies.

[A]

I wish I hadn't said it and I think that does it. Thank you so much for listening. We'll be back next week and until

[B]

then, goodbye and bye. All of the posts used in this episode were real. Only some geographical specifics have been changed.

[A]

The Neighborhood Listen is hosted and produced by me Paul F. Tompkins and me

[D]

Nicole Parker and me Brett Morris.

[A]

Today's guest was played by Lou Wilson. The Neighborhood Listen is a production of Comedy Bang Bang world.

[B]

Go to cbbworld.com to unlock the entire history of the show ad free as well as brand new full length bonus room episodes exclusive to Maxima subscribers. Your support keeps the show going. Hi, I am Mandy Moore.

[C]

Sterling K. Brown and I'm Chris Sullivan

[A]

and we host the podcast that Was Us.

[B]

Now on each episode, we're gonna go into a deep dive from our show. This is Us.

[C]

That's right.

[B]

We're gonna go episode by episode. We're also gonna pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors.

[A]

Are we gonna cry? Yes, a little bit.

[C]

Are we gonna laugh a lot?

[A]

A whole lot.

[C]

That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to that was us on your favorite podcast app. Or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify. New episodes every Tuesday.