Funny Paws And A Delightful Smile with Kylie Brakeman

Summary

Episode Summary: Funny Paws And A Delightful Smile with Kylie Brakeman

Released: April 1, 2025

In this entertaining episode of "The Neighborhood Listen," hosts Burnt Millipede (Paul F. Tompkins) and Joan Pedestrian (Nicole Parker) welcome their guest Alan, portrayed by Kylie Brakeman. The episode centers around Alan's humorous yet heartfelt endeavor to transform his cat, Sam, into a social media influencer, navigating the quirky challenges that arise in the process.

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1. Introduction to the Guest: Alan and His Quest

The episode kicks off with the hosts introducing Alan, a passionate cat owner determined to monetize his feline friend’s online presence. Alan shares his motivation: funding his active dating life through the revenue generated from Sam’s social media success.

Notable Quote:

• Alan [34:08]: "I find that the word 'help' gets people's attention."

2. The Social Media Struggle: Missteps and Miscommunication

Alan explains his initial strategy of using urgent language like “HELP” and “DANGER” in his posts to attract attention. However, this approach backfires, leading to confusion among followers and rejection from Instagram. The alarming terminology inadvertently makes followers worry about Sam's well-being rather than draw positive engagement.

Notable Quotes:

• Alan [34:08]: "I find that the word 'help' gets people's attention."
• Nicole Parker [67:55]: "I think you need to take danger out of Sam cat's handle. Put the fun back in."

3. Hosts' Advice: Steering Towards Positivity

Recognizing the issue, Burnt and Joan offer constructive advice to Alan on reshaping Sam’s online persona. They emphasize the importance of a positive and inviting presence to foster genuine engagement and build a supportive community around Sam.

Key Recommendations:

• Change the Handle: Remove alarming words like "help" or "danger" to create a more welcoming profile.
• Enhance Content Quality: Share happy and playful moments of Sam to highlight his charming personality.
• Introduce Merchandising: Develop merchandise such as mugs, pins, or sweatshirts featuring Sam to create additional revenue streams and increase brand visibility.

Notable Quote:

• Nicole Parker [54:14]: "Merch for Sam."

4. Interactive Segment: Crafting the Perfect Sam Commercial

To illustrate the new direction, Alan participates in a mock commercial, demonstrating how Sam can be presented positively. This segment showcases the hosts' ability to blend humor with practical advice, making the guidance both entertaining and actionable.

Notable Quote:

• Alan [73:32]: "Sam has funny paws and a delightful smile."

5. Overcoming Obstacles: A Path Forward for Sam

Alan expresses his willingness to implement the hosts’ suggestions, aiming to shift Sam’s online presence from being misunderstood to being adored. The hosts encourage him to maintain consistency and creativity in his content strategy, reinforcing the value of positive engagement.

Notable Quote:

• Joan Pedestrian [68:11]: "Take the danger out of it. Put the fun back in."

6. Conclusion: Embracing Positivity and Community Support

The episode wraps up with Burnt and Joan reiterating the importance of positivity in social media efforts. They encourage listeners to support one another in the community and to strive for uplifting interactions both online and offline. Alan leaves the conversation optimistic, ready to revamp Sam’s social media strategy with newfound insights.

Notable Quote:

• Burnt Millipede [67:55]: "I think you need to take danger out of Sam cat's handle. Put the fun back in."

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• Alan [34:08]: "I find that the word 'help' gets people's attention."
• Nicole Parker [67:55]: "I think you need to take danger out of Sam cat's handle. Put the fun back in."
• Nicole Parker [54:14]: "Merch for Sam."
• Alan [73:32]: "Sam has funny paws and a delightful smile."
• Joan Pedestrian [68:11]: "Take the danger out of it. Put the fun back in."
• Burnt Millipede [67:55]: "I think you need to take danger out of Sam cat's handle. Put the fun back in."

---

Key Takeaways:

• Positive Branding: Using positive language and imagery can significantly enhance engagement and follower loyalty.
• Merchandising Opportunities: Creating merchandise based on a pet’s unique traits can provide additional revenue streams and increase brand visibility.
• Community Support: Engaging with the community in a supportive and uplifting manner fosters a stronger, more loyal follower base.
• Authenticity Matters: Genuine and authentic content resonates more with audiences compared to sensational or misleading posts.

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"Funny Paws And A Delightful Smile with Kylie Brakeman" successfully combines humor with practical advice, offering both entertainment and actionable insights for listeners aiming to enhance their social media presence. Whether you're a pet owner looking to boost your furry friend's online profile or simply seeking a good laugh, this episode provides valuable lessons wrapped in delightful banter.

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Thank you for tuning into "The Neighborhood Listen." For more engaging episodes and exclusive content, visit cbbworld.com and consider signing up for the Maximus plan to unlock the ad-free archive and bonus episodes.

Transcript

[Nicole Parker]

Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. I don't know if you knew this, but anyone can get the same Premium Wireless for $15 a month plan that I've been enjoying. It's not just for celebrities. So do like I did and have one of your assistant's assistants switch you to Mint Mobile today. I'm told it's super easy to [e-mail] Switch upfront payment of $45 for 3 month plan equivalent to $15 per month. Required intro rate, first 3 months only, then full price plan options available, taxes and fees, extra fee, full [e-mail] hi.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm Paul F. Tomp.

[Nicole Parker]

Nicole Parker.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website.

[Nicole Parker]

Occasionally we change the names of some.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Streets and that's all you need to know to support the show and unlock the ad free archive as well as exclusive monthly episodes of the bonus room. Go to cbbworld.com and sign up for a Maximus membership.

[Nicole Parker]

And now, please enjoy this episode of the Neighborhood.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Listen. Knock, knock.

[Nicole Parker]

Who's there?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Your neighbor.

[Nicole Parker]

Good. In Dignity Falls, you're never alone. You've got the neighbor and us.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Burn and Joan.

[Nicole Parker]

From coyotes to male theft to weird things to sell.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We'll cover it all and meet new neighbors as well.

[Nicole Parker]

We'll chat about any posts you're missing. So just tune in to the neighborhood.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Listen. Well, well, well, welcome.

[Nicole Parker]

Ooh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

To season eight of the Neighborhood. Listen.

[Nicole Parker]

I am in it already. I loved that. You're welcome.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can I tell you, Joan, that just occurred to me to say.

[Nicole Parker]

Did it? It's like I saw the glint in your eye and I saw you had a moment of inspiration.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And here's what happened.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I knew I had to welcome the listener.

[Nicole Parker]

Absolutely.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But I also was thinking, well, well, well, Here we are again.

[Nicole Parker]

It was two meanings in one. It was two.

[Alan]

It did.

[Nicole Parker]

It did two things at once. How many wells did you do?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, well. Three.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, well, well, welcome.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, well, well, welcome. That's perfect. That's the right amount. Too few would have been too few. Too many would have been too many.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, well, welcome. Well, well, well, welcome.

[Nicole Parker]

No, don't second guess it. I'm saying it was the perfect. And then it becomes not well. And now it's whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And that's something different.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What is that?

[Nicole Parker]

If you had to name it a. A Borat sound.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You passed.

[Nicole Parker]

A Borat sound. Or a Mupp. Oh, I didn't know there was a test.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, I knew I knew I knew you'd get there. I knew it was a Borat sound.

[Alan]

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Nicole Parker]

Welcome to season eight. And you know what? Last, last time we had a name that just appeared organically for our season seven, which was Steven.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right.

[Nicole Parker]

And I've been thinking a lot about what season eight is. And you know what's weird? Do you know what popped in my head?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What?

[Nicole Parker]

Mike. Isn't that weird?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Season Mike. Season Mike, the neighbor.

[Nicole Parker]

Listen, I don't think now that you say it, it sounds wrong.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What if I said it in a happier tone?

[Nicole Parker]

Well, or maybe Season Mike. No, I realize now that it's also. It's confusing because you're talking into a mic. So now. I don't know. I know. I don't know what's happened.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you think the. This is a great question, Joe. Do you think when the listener listens to our podcast, they picture us talking to microphones?

[Nicole Parker]

That is such a good question. I don't know if they imagine us sitting around my kitchen table with my high back chairs. I don't know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Because we have set the scene for them.

[Nicole Parker]

We have many times. And I think we filled it out, you know, as we go along. I think we've included more detail as to where we are.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think we have. Well, before we get to the start.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, yeah. Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let us introduce ourselves to the returning listeners and to first time listeners. Oh, well, we're waiting to see if we were gonna stick around. My name is. This is the neighborhood Listen Podcast.

[Nicole Parker]

That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

My. My name is Burnt Me A payday. I am a pharmacist. Don't. Don't take over. Don't take over.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. He's a pharmacist at the Dignity's Fallsmassy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Dignity. Fallsmassy.

[Nicole Parker]

And if you have just listened.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I can't believe I asked you to take over.

[Nicole Parker]

It's okay, I got you. This is what this is. We're. You know what? We're so. We share such the same brain now. We share such a thing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's absolutely true. We share such a same.

[Nicole Parker]

I know what you're going to say, except for that. Well, well, well. Welcome. You really had me on the edge of my.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That was the very first day. How could you have predicted?

[Nicole Parker]

I couldn't have known. And I am Joan Pedestrian and I'm a top realtor.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The top.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, thank you for that. The top realtor here at Diggity Falls. But I'm also a local actress.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's correct.

[Nicole Parker]

Because we decided amateur felt a little.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But I think every time you say that, you clarify, you say why. We say local and I think it reinforce. It brings back.

[Nicole Parker]

I guess I'm doing it because you said there might be first time listeners and I just wanted to catch them up. That's all I wanted to do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, you could say you're a local actress in the community theater here in our neighborhood of Dignity Falls.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, well, see, now you're taking back over for me. See, you're back, you're back. You got it. Take it back.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're back, baby.

[Nicole Parker]

Take it back, baby. Take it back.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Take it back.

[Nicole Parker]

Doo doo doo, doo.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Remember?

[Nicole Parker]

Nope.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Rocky. Okay, when they're standing around the trash.

[Nicole Parker]

Can, I wonder how long it would take for us to mention a movie. Because as we've noticed over the years, our show sometimes delves into a movie podcast.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I do want to say this.

[Nicole Parker]

I don't want to get off on a tangent just yet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

To new listeners, sometimes it's going to sound like this is a movie podcast. It absolutely is not.

[Nicole Parker]

It's absolutely not.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So what you're going to hear is.

[Nicole Parker]

Happen to talk about movies sometimes comes up. I don't know why.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Detail.

[Nicole Parker]

Yep, yep.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And not new movies either.

[Nicole Parker]

No, never. Well, except for maybe the substance. Because that has come up. Well, because I've decided to make a musical of it, you know, because that was the first thing that I thought because.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, yes, yes.

[Nicole Parker]

I mean, I don't want to jump. I don't want to make it about me. First of all, I really want to introduce my husband Doug, who is recording in a different room every day.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, you did an Elvis this.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, you know what that put me in mind of just like all the che Chuck E. Cheese birthday parties that I threw my kids and like it's that, you know, that Elvis, that amatronic. Terrifying.

[Doug]

Come in.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Doug]

Not only join the band, join the.

[Nicole Parker]

Doug thought he could do a better Elvis than that. The animatronic doing it. So he would stand right in front of him and do his own and.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He put on a full show and he would. He would do stage banter with the animatronics. He would get in a fight with one of them like the Eagles. That time he threatened. He threatened to fight one.

[Doug]

After the show, I would do the final performance of Unchained Melody. Just pouring. That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. Pouring.

[Doug]

Make everyone listen.

[Nicole Parker]

I want to back up what happened with the Eagles. I don't. I'm not going to pretend I know this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There's a concert where Eagles are on stage.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. The band.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's just. Be the Eagles.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, you're. Oh, you're upset about this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They're Eagle. They're called. The name of the band is Eagles.

[Nicole Parker]

Is it really?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

I don't think I ever thought about that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No. Why, of course not. Why would you do that?

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, my.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

My band is called Boxes.

[Nicole Parker]

This is a Berenstain situation, actually.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Not bad. No, it's not.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's not. It's. It's just that people. It's funny when a thing like this happens. People just defied them, and they said, no, we're calling you the Eagles.

[Nicole Parker]

The Eagles.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Except in Philadelphia, I think.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

How would you. How would you say it if you were from Philadelphia? Burnt has a great Philadelphia accent.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I've been studying.

[Nicole Parker]

What inspired you to study a Philadelphia accent?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm just so fascinated by the people of Philadelphia. There's something about them. Maybe it's. It's.

[Nicole Parker]

I'll take your word for it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. They're terrifying to me. They're a combination of, I think, very amusing and also terrifying.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. There's a darkness there.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. All right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

When Bruce Springsteen wrote that song Darkness.

[Nicole Parker]

On the Edge of Town, that's what it was about.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He was talking about the edge of his town, which bordered Philadelphia.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, okay. So how is it I always thought.

[Doug]

Streets of Philadelphia was about Philadelphia?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It is, because you didn't really. Because Dougie didn't really listen to what. You didn't listen to what I was saying.

[Doug]

Well, I've written two Philly songs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, he's written. Technically, he's written, I would say, one and a half.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, no. Now we're a spring sing podcast. We really have to keep on track, you guys.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That mustn't happen.

[Nicole Parker]

This isn't. We don't do any of these things. We're supposed to do one thing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We don't do any of these things.

[Nicole Parker]

We're supposed to get to know our neighbors. Now.

[Doug]

Springsteen, babe.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Doug]

That'S what I call him.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Bruce Springsteen.

[Nicole Parker]

Good for you, babe. That's fine. So why so why so here?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They blew up the chicken man in Philippa.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, my gosh. It's already so confusing. And we just started. Okay, now I want to obey. Nope, he wasn't done. He wasn't done.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Suicide hop.

[Nicole Parker]

You do enjoy doing this, don't you, Bernstein? You enjoy it. Seize him. I, I, I don't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Come on, Joan. It's fun.

[Nicole Parker]

Do it. I know I don't I don't really share the love of German accents like you do. I really don't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why? What's happening?

[Nicole Parker]

As a local actress, I thought I was doing Philadelphia myself.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, Doug.

[Nicole Parker]

No, no. Babe, can I ask a question of Doug? Is that okay?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Please. Your husband.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, I just want to make sure. I just want to make sure there's gonna be no more German. Why. Why did you answer like that in your Elvis? Because. Does it have something to do with the room that you're in today? Oh.

[Doug]

Oh, I answered. Cause burnt started the episode with that. I pictured Elvis when he said, well, well, welcome. I pictured Elvis in suspicious mind sort of revving up that welcome.

[Nicole Parker]

Although, because he built a fully functioning Sizzler in our house and also a deli, he started thinking, oh, maybe we should have a shop. And so I'm wondering, are you in the record shop?

[Doug]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I am.

[Doug]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

He. He wanted to build a record shop. So I don't know how this is going to work. I don't know why people would come to our house to go through records. That just seems strange.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now, Doug also is. Is a musician and several dad bands around.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. Rhubarb Caravan is one of them outfit.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is that correct?

[Doug]

That is, people do call us.

[Nicole Parker]

I know you confused them by that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Rubes.

[Doug]

Yeah, that's okay. You can put a the in there.

[Nicole Parker]

He doesn't mind. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know what? Here's the thing. Rhubarb Caravan. That's fine for a band name. It gives you. It gives you more. Whereas Eagles. Even the Beatles were the Beatles.

[Nicole Parker]

You know, that is true. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Doug]

I agree.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can't just do one word, and that's us. Unless it's yes.

[Doug]

So how many Fun period?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Fun period.

[Doug]

That period I can't stand.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It was a lowercase f too.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, it was.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

These guys send them straight to Gitmo.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, now that's just ridiculous. That is ridiculous.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm joking around.

[Nicole Parker]

We don't believe that here at this podcast.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, we don't believe bands should be sent to Gitmo.

[Nicole Parker]

Let's not have that be taken out. We shouldn't even have to say that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Joan. You're right.

[Nicole Parker]

Thank you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We shouldn't have to issue disclaimers like that.

[Nicole Parker]

We don't believe in sending back what is happening. So, babe, were you just gonna put your own record collection? He has such a huge record collection. Yes. And so I think they were just in this room for a long time, and then he decided. But do you actually think you're gonna.

[Doug]

Make A shelf out of it?

[Nicole Parker]

Or is it the kind of thing where you just want people to come and browse? Is this like a browse?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are you actually gonna sell some of.

[Nicole Parker]

Your beloved record collection, be able to part with them?

[Doug]

I think it could be kind of like a buffet situation. I was so inspired by Sizzler.

[Nicole Parker]

Like, you'll put out the records amongst, like, parsley and stuff under, like, a sneeze guard?

[Doug]

Definitely.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So you think he meant literally like a buffet?

[Nicole Parker]

We're talking to Jack. Have you met my husband?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know what? Fair enough.

[Doug]

Always.

[Nicole Parker]

Don't blame me for that ridiculous assumption. This is based on what we know of him, Joan.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You got me.

[Doug]

When you have a tray, you have, like, a plastic red tray, you pile your. Your discs on there. Your. Your tapes.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, so you're gonna have disks and tapes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Your what?

[Nicole Parker]

Shellacs.

[Doug]

Shellac records.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What's shellac? Records.

[Doug]

The original records were made out of shellac.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, that's right. That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why did they stop doing that?

[Doug]

Because they broke.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, they broke. They would shatter. I remember that now.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's a good reason.

[Nicole Parker]

What are you gonna call it, babe? What are you gonna call the store?

[Doug]

Doug's Diner and Delicacies.

[Nicole Parker]

The record shop is what you're calling the record shop?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

No, no, I mean, you're calling.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wait, is it Doug Steiner and Delicacies.

[Doug]

Colon, the record shop?

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's long, Doug. I don't know about that.

[Nicole Parker]

We're not getting into a Precious by Sapphire sort of territory. That is confusing.

[Doug]

Doug's disc is pretty good.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I like that condensation.

[Nicole Parker]

It's still long.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So it's Sapphire based on the novel. But wait, it's prec. Precious based on the novel. Pushed by Sapphire, Precious by Sapphire.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, that's the bookend. That's the fragrance.

[Doug]

I've got it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, wow.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, he's got it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Doug emerging from the bathtub. Eureka.

[Doug]

Doug's Zisk's Stakeout.

[Nicole Parker]

That.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No. Why?

[Doug]

Doug, Doug's disciple.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Every part of it is difficult to say. Why is the steakhouse in there? Because it's a record.

[Doug]

It's like Ruth's Chris.

[Nicole Parker]

Wait. Oh, God. Ruth's Chris.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So is it Doug apostrophe s. Dis.

[Doug]

Apostrophe S. How does Ruth do it? How does Ruth Chris do it?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How does she do it?

[Nicole Parker]

Is actually Ruth apostrophe s Chris? Yeah. It's terrible. What a stupid, stupid name for us.

[Doug]

Right?

[Nicole Parker]

So, wait, does. What is it Doug's Discs and then what?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Steakhouse.

[Doug]

Steakhouse.

[Nicole Parker]

Steakhouse Christopher walking has to do the commercial. There's only. That's the only one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let me hear a little bit of that.

[Nicole Parker]

I can't do a German accent, but I'll do that for you. Doug's. This steakhouse I like when you walk in. Thanks.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, thanks. Sometimes where he seems surprised by the word that he just said. Oh, yeah, Steakhouse.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's good.

[Alan]

That's good.

[Nicole Parker]

So wait. Okay, see that? I like Doug's dish. I really like it. Even though it takes 17 more seconds to say than it should.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But how Scottish people say murder takes so long to say. How. I feel like you're losing ground in the investigation.

[Nicole Parker]

We're losing ground in the podcast.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know, it's been so long since we recorded, I thought, I'm not gonna remember how to do this. It's really coming back to me.

[Doug]

So it's mainly Huey Lewis in the news.

[Nicole Parker]

That's what. That's what your collection is mostly.

[Doug]

I mean, it's a lot of sport, a lot of copies of Sports, a.

[Nicole Parker]

Lot of copies of. Oh, Sports.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There's nothing that says your record collection can't be the same record over and over again.

[Nicole Parker]

I guess that's true. Now, you didn't answer the question. Would you be okay parting with any of these? Answer the question.

[Doug]

Yeah, that's how I got the idea, because I just saw so many copies of these.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh. Cause you thought, let's get some money.

[Doug]

Let's sell some.

[Nicole Parker]

You saw them, and why do you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Even though you have been the one actively collecting them. How many?

[Doug]

I always forget I still have it. When I go to the record store, I go, like, I love that album.

[Nicole Parker]

He's bought so many. And then he comes home, and he's like, oh, shoot, I did it again.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Because he sees the gigantic stack of them, right?

[Doug]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How many. How many do you have now?

[Doug]

Copies of just like 700.

[Nicole Parker]

And, you know, it's crazy. He's purchased a lot of those on ebay. I mean, he's been bidding on them at home. Like, you got to get the original.

[Doug]

Prints, the remasters, the deluxe.

[Nicole Parker]

There's really that many versions of that particular album?

[Doug]

Yeah, there's one. There's one with. Remember when Huey Lewis showed his penis on screen?

[Nicole Parker]

Nope.

[Doug]

No, that's all.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't.

[Doug]

Just in the liner notes, I just. There was a movie where he.

[Nicole Parker]

A movie?

[Doug]

Yeah. Urinated. And they weren't planning it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No.

[Doug]

Just whipped it out. Now this left it in.

[Nicole Parker]

What? I feel crazy. Now we're talking about movies. Again, But I have to know, Criminal.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This man has been impressionable few films, and in one of them, I think he unprompted, pulled his penis out and started urinating.

[Doug]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They'Re all mad at that one girl who didn't want an intimacy coordinator.

[Nicole Parker]

Please, please tell me what movie that was, babe, because that sounds insane to me.

[Doug]

The movie Shortcuts, 1993.

[Nicole Parker]

Wait, I like a Robert Altman.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, it's Robert Alton.

[Nicole Parker]

What?

[Alan]

Oh, my God.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm trying so desperately to keep us off of movies.

[Doug]

Watch along.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, no, no.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Too long.

[Nicole Parker]

I don't want that. Sometimes ironically named trouble bonus episodes, we do watch alongs and I just don't think we can do that. We already spent way too much time on the first five minutes of Back to the Future.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now is shortcuts not the movie that Julianne Moore does. An entire scene, bottomless.

[Nicole Parker]

What is this movie? Sounds insane. This is so 90s. This is such a night. This is so 93. Oh, God. Everyone's. Everyone's got their bits and pieces out. They're being arty. You can tell none of the women wanted to do this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, it's like an acting class where the Julianne Moore wants to get nude.

[Doug]

Robert Downey Jr. Jack Lemmon.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, we had a bunch of people stacked.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So do you think that Huey Lewis.

[Nicole Parker]

You said that like a morning dj.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you think Huey Lewis saw in the script that there's a scene where a woman has an argument where she's wearing no pants and he said, I gotta get in on this?

[Nicole Parker]

Well, he didn't read the script. Give me a break.

[Doug]

I could be remembering wrong, but I feel like I remember hearing or reading that he didn't realize that he was on film. Like it was how he was.

[Nicole Parker]

Give me a break.

[Doug]

Just started going this, like, Sharon Stone, the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The Basic Instinct thing, that she had no idea that was happening.

[Nicole Parker]

I don't. Well, I don't want to re litigate that, but. But it reminds me when you say. When you say that about Huey Lewis, because we did have a problem with the twins doing that. Constantly. You know, they just thought, oh, we can pee wherever we want to. And it was so hard. And I want to just mention because we have talked a lot last season about the twins and how they sold a pilot about parent pranks to the Chick Fil, a streaming service.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right.

[Nicole Parker]

And I am sorry to say that it didn't get picked up in any way, shape or form.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

None.

[Nicole Parker]

No. And now they're back. They moved back in.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, no.

[Nicole Parker]

And this is, of course, I'm talking about my twins. Matt and Pirandello. Yes, Matt and Pirandello. And they moved back in and they are. They're like really down in the dumps. I've never seen them. So this is how. This is how depressed they are. I set a chair on fire in front of them and Matt went, not cool, mom.

[Alan]

Can you believe that?

[Nicole Parker]

And they're known pyromaniacs. We talked about this a lot on the podcast.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, they love setting fire.

[Nicole Parker]

And honestly. But not now. Like, nothing brings them joy. And so what I told them is I was like, well, maybe it's time to finally finish kindergarten. Here's what happened. So they skipped the entire year because.

[Doug]

We thought they were prodigies.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. In preschool we thought they were so sm.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So you took them out of what happened? How did this happen?

[Nicole Parker]

No, I didn't agree with this. I was gonna tell a different part of the story, but Doug Dumpton. So you finished that part.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Doug dumped in. This is a classic. Doug Dumpin.

[Nicole Parker]

Doug Dumpin or Doug Dumpin'I.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thought you said Doug Dumpin'see.

[Nicole Parker]

Always mishearing.

[Doug]

We skipped.

[Nicole Parker]

We're always mishearing each other.

[Doug]

We skipped the message.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, I didn't listen. I was not on board with this at all. Okay. But the boys thought it would be fun to sort of pretend that they had shot up in age and height. And they put lifts in their shoes. Shoes. And they grew their hair out. How old were they now? They were four at the time. They were four and they went into first grade.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They grew their hair out. And where did they not only.

[Nicole Parker]

Where did. Grew a mustache? I couldn't believe never seen a four year old be able to grow a mustache.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Where did they find the lifts? And how. How were they aware of the concept?

[Nicole Parker]

What was the first question? Where did they. What.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Where did they find the. The lifts to put in their shoes? And how were they aware of the concept?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, Doug, of course. And he was like, boy dog, you wear lifts?

[Doug]

Oh, I don't wear lifts. No, no, they got the, you know, you put them under the table legs to. To raise your table shims.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And we're proud to be sponsored this. This season by shims. Kim Kardashian's table Table balancing.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, I hate those commercials. I shouldn't say it because they're sponsoring us. It works, surprisingly, but I don't, you know, happen to you when you're eating your salad and then it just keeps sliding off. She's like, oh, no, that table is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

More than a shim. The salad is sliding off the table. You might be on a boat.

[Nicole Parker]

One of them is her on a yacht, you know, and it's so. It's also. They sell shims for your yacht tables as well.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure. They have seagull sounds in the background.

[Nicole Parker]

It's just crazy. Chris.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who's Chris?

[Nicole Parker]

The mom. Chris Jenner. Come on, Bert, keep up with the kids.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Ruth. Chris.

[Nicole Parker]

Don'T give her the idea. She will start that franchise.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, boy. What were we talking about?

[Nicole Parker]

I don't know. It's hard to even say. We were talking about the boys now finally going back and getting there because they can't get their actual GED until they finish kindergarten.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No. This is the plot of Billy Madison.

[Nicole Parker]

Is that correct? Well, you know what? That's how I got them on board. I was like, you guys, don't you remember? And then they were like, we forgot how much we love this movie. Also, our teacher might be hot. And I was like, no, this is not why we're doing it. I made sure that. No. I made sure their teacher was a very.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Their teacher is withered old crone.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. Their teacher is Mr. Scrimshank. You remember. Oh, my God.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's not still alive.

[Nicole Parker]

Never retired. Still alive.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Still teaching kindergarten.

[Nicole Parker]

Still teaching kindergarten. Still cranky as hell.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Doug]

He wheels his oxygen tank in there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's got to be in his late 90s.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, yeah. Easily. And so I think he'll. You know, he'll set him straight. I'm excited about. I think it'll be good for them. I think it'll be good for them.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right. I mean, they're gonna be. So they're gonna be in there with other kindergartners or this. Like, it's.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, I thought that that would be strange and not appropriate at all. Right. So he comes to this. To the house, and he schools them at home. He brings his oxygen to take care.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He makes them take naps and such.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, that. I mean, it's really, really hard for them to do that because they. They never nap.

[Doug]

He certainly takes naps.

[Nicole Parker]

He. Yeah, the nap time is for him.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I would imagine it's unannounced that he just sort of.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. Nods off.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then you have to wait.

[Nicole Parker]

He just goes. That's right. You just go with the flow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

We have a life alert on him. He's fine. It's fine. It's all fine. So I think it'll be good for them. And. But so now I want to ask you, because when we were Finishing season. Steven, you were headed out to Wyoming where your girlfriend, Gabby. You celebrate the holidays by jumping into a fire. And I didn't realize that, like, she came from a long line of. Of smoke jumpers. Smokejumpers. So can you tell me what that was like, meeting the folks? And how is it going with you, too?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know, Joan, I'm so glad that you asked me, because it was. It was a really magical experience. So it was me.

[Nicole Parker]

That's just not the first word I would use. It sounds so terrifying.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, no, no, no.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, no, no.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, no, no, no, no. Nine, nine, nine.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We. It. So it's me, Gabby. Her mother.

[Nicole Parker]

Yep.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Her father. Her biological father.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. Oh, twist.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Her stepfather.

[Nicole Parker]

And they all get along.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They adore each other.

[Nicole Parker]

Lots of fathers.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. They're big pals.

[Nicole Parker]

Big pals.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Big pals. Her grandfather.

[Nicole Parker]

What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Her niece.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, this is a lot of people. This is more than you were told. This is more than I was told.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Her brother's no longer with us.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, no.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, he died a long time ago. Oh.

[Alan]

Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

Got it, got it, got it, got it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He was hit by several cars. Did you ever see Meet Joe Black?

[Nicole Parker]

No. No, not another movie. This is, like, our fifth movie in 20 minutes. You know, I always thought it looked so depressing, and I didn't. I didn't want to watch it. Some weird reason. But then now, because of, you know, social media and all that stuff like that, all I keep seeing is that clip of, like, you know, where they turn around, look at each other, and she turns around, she looks at him, and he turns around, he looks at her, and then she turns around and looks at him. And I don't know what's going on there because I haven't seen the movie, but he's like. He's death, right? He's death in the movie, right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, but did you get to the end of that clip?

[Nicole Parker]

No. Oh. Did she get hit by a car?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She does not get hit by a car. Oh.

[Alan]

Does he?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Joan? I. I'm. I can't wait for you to see this. I. I can't believe you have seen just the beginning of this moment. This is astonishing to me. During the break. During the break.

[Nicole Parker]

I really want to know what happens during the break.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I will show it to you.

[Nicole Parker]

Why would you. Oh, you're going to show it to me?

[Alan]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You have no.

[Nicole Parker]

We don't want to waste people's time right now.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You have to see it anyway. So we.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We all. We go up in A plane. Oh, no, we. It's a controlled burn.

[Nicole Parker]

A controlled burn.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Controlled burn.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So there's not. It's not. We. You know, the fire was set by the family, but it was not know. They know what they're doing.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. They instantly regret bringing this up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We go up. We go up in the plane, and then the idea is we're going to jump out and form a circle.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, you're gonna skydive?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

What? You've never sky divin.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I've never skydiven. I've never skydiven. And. But I. Of course, I took all the classes and everything. And. And so we all jump out, and the idea is we're going to join hands to form a big circle.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And land in the fire.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

At the same time.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Doug]

Do you sing?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. But we can't hear each other. And everybody's cheeks are going crazy.

[Nicole Parker]

Of course. Absolutely. You can't do a thing when you're doing that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We all tried, though. And our mouths got so dry.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we land in. In the. There's a. What they call the eye of the fire.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, I just thought it was the eye of a hurricane. I didn't know there was an eye of a fire.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Every weather event has an eye.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. An earthquake.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Eye of the rain. Eye of the earthquake. Absolutely.

[Nicole Parker]

Eye of the fog.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Eye of the fog. Oh, here's the thing about the eye of the fog. You're it.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

When you're in the fog, you're the eye of the fog.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, yeah. That's kind of beautiful.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, it is.

[Nicole Parker]

All right, so what happens? You land.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We land. We're in the flames now. We're all wearing flame retardant gear.

[Nicole Parker]

Sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And we land. Then we get in single file, smallest to tallest.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Fire drift.

[Nicole Parker]

Was this all pretty pre decided or was this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They do this. They do this every year.

[Nicole Parker]

So you're just following along?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. This is my first year that I've been okay.

[Nicole Parker]

They gave you no prep.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I never said that.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, okay. I just got the sense that this was all happening as it was happening. They told you everything was.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They told me everything was gonna happen. I did forget a lot of it.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. Well, I could imagine.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I was scrambling to catch up.

[Nicole Parker]

Sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Because I. For a second, I thought I was actually flying line and I wanted to break the circle so badly and see where I could.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, I'm so glad you didn't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I am, too, in retrospect. And so we. We land on the fire. We're surrounded by flames. And we line up single file. And then we all do like a jaunty march.

[Nicole Parker]

He's doing sort of like robot arms. If you can't see for the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, because I'm sitting at a table and I can't. I can't swing my arms the way I would like to. And we sing a song. And the song goes, out of the flames. Out of the flames we go. Now, of course, I can only sing one note.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. It sounds nicer than that. Yes. Okay, so it actually has a melody.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, great.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then we get out of the fire and we all join hands, we bow our heads and we say, that was nuts. They do this every year.

[Nicole Parker]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

And then. And then after that, you just kind of party or what?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Pop the champagne, Everybody hugs.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, that sounds great.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Picnic right on the edge of the fire.

[Nicole Parker]

Lovely. That sounds really different.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, it is.

[Nicole Parker]

Uh huh. That sounds really different.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It really is different.

[Nicole Parker]

It really is different.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. It's not the same.

[Nicole Parker]

Nope, definitely not. And so you guys are doing well?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're doing great.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, I'm so glad we're doing great.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're really. We're sort of talking next steps because, as you know, we did. We did.

[Nicole Parker]

I mean, how do you top skydiving into a fire?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I'm talking about.

[Nicole Parker]

Is marriage still scarier than that?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know what, Joan? In a way it is, because, you know, remember, we came very close to getting married, and then it did not happen. And I don't want to talk about it. It's not because I can't remember what happened, but it's distressing to talk about. So this is. This is a big issue of trust for both of us to be talking about this again.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, wow. Okay. You. I'm sweating profusely.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I know I am.

[Nicole Parker]

And so I think I really need to know, but I'm also freezing cold. Well, why don't we get you a blanket? Okay, babe, I feel like we've been talking long enough.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How long?

[Nicole Parker]

Are you ready for us to ask you how long we've been.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

First one of the season.

[Nicole Parker]

It's the first one of the season. It's the first time where we ask him how long?

[Doug]

Give me. It's the first one of the season. Oh, I never normally do this.

[Nicole Parker]

I normally never do this.

[Doug]

Wow. I said it's a big old 28 minutes.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, we've got to stop. We've got to stop. Half of that was movies.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What's the.

[Nicole Parker]

And German accents.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What's the opposite of senioritis? Because that's what we have. That was a rhetorical. All right, we are going to take a break and when we return, we will have a guest right here on the neighborhood. Listen, Nicole.

[Nicole Parker]

What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I hate telling you this.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Vacation season is nearly upon us.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, I think that's great news.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well. Well, I'm glad you say that because this year I'm treating myself to the luxe upgrades that I deserve with Quince's high quality travel essentials at fair prices.

[Nicole Parker]

Are you talking about like, lightweight European linen styles from $30, washable silk tops and comfy lounge sets with premium luggage options and stylish tote bags to carry it all?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

You wanna know what the best part is?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure.

[Nicole Parker]

All Quince Items are priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. By partnering directly with top factories, Quince cuts out the cost of the middle man and passes his savings on to us. And let me just tell you right now, when we're gonna talk about an item I just got from them. It's a wonderful, literally transitional. Can wear it for any event. A great white T shirt, a blouse that buttons down. It's fantastic. I love it so much.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Got a shark on it.

[Nicole Parker]

It does not have a shark on it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, it's a white T shirt. That's great. I see. I myself treated myself with our discount to a cashmere.

[Nicole Parker]

Ooh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I've never had anything this luxurious.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, I love that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's the most comfortable garment I own and I protect it with my life. I'm gonna call everybody to action for your next trip. Treat yourself to the luxe upgrades you deserve from quince. Go to quince.com TNL for 365 day returns plus free shipping on your order. That's Q-U-I-N C E.com TNL to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quints.com TNL.

[Nicole Parker]

Hey, this is Randy. Got a aquarium stand. $75, black and gray, approximately 49 inches wide, 13.5 inches depth, 2ft tall. As you can see, I left. This is just one example of many random pictures that I included of of me holding a measuring tape to the item without any being able to see at all where the measuring tape starts.

[Alan]

I just want to assure you that.

[Nicole Parker]

It'S in good condition. I know. I know what you're gonn and be like Randy. No, it's not. I'm telling you it is, bro.

[Alan]

I'm telling you it is.

[Nicole Parker]

I know.

[Alan]

It just.

[Nicole Parker]

It doesn't photograph good. You know what I mean? It photographs all Dented and, like, dusted and.

[Alan]

But no, it's all good. 75 was well worth. $75.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Alan]

Come get it.

[Nicole Parker]

Are we back? We're back. Okay. He. He didn't show me. Just for the listener. He didn't show me the MEO Black clip yet. But you'll have to do that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, no, I forgot.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, you did forget. But it's okay. I'm really excited to watch because we were so worried because you went to sort of like a shock. Like, you went in the corner. You were sweating. We put a blanket on you. Yes. So are you okay? Are you okay to continue?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. Well, that's as good as we can do right now. So we have a guest, as we always do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Here's what we do. We scour the Neighborhap, the social networking application for neighborhoods, and we look up Dignity Falls, and we see if there's anybody interesting out there in our neighborhood that we want to talk to. Sometimes we try to amplify a message that they have. Sometimes we. We see if they're trying to sell something, if they need help with something. But there's a lot of interesting people, and we invite them onto the show. And you can send us a post. If you find one you think that's important to talk about, screenshot it and send it to [e-mail] One of our listeners did. This is Patricia Easley. Sent this in.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. Thank you, Patricia. And that was a great intro. Bernt, you did so good with that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you so much, Joan. I appreciate that. Are my teeth chattering?

[Nicole Parker]

No, you're okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Good.

[Nicole Parker]

Your eyes are bloodshot, but otherwise than that, you're okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now, this is. This is two posts. They are connected, okay? And they're from the same person from. From someone named Alan. This is in the crime and safety section of the Neighborhap. First post reads, this is my cat. Exclamation mark, Help. In all caps. Alan goes on to say in a separate post, okay, Sharon, that is my cat. Two exclamation marks.

[Nicole Parker]

Is there a picture?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Nope.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No picture. Two separate posts.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And please, welcome to the neighborhood. Listen, Alan.

[Alan]

Hi. Hello. Hello.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hello.

[Nicole Parker]

Hi, Alan.

[Alan]

Hi. Hi, Alan. Clump. Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I not like the movie Clumps.

[Alan]

Like the movie clumps. Clubs.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, really?

[Alan]

The movie clubs?

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Doug]

What are movie clubs?

[Nicole Parker]

I'm sorry, you can't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, that's. That's the. The. The. The. The loyalty program we have at our theater.

[Nicole Parker]

It's like a punch card for yogurt. You get clumps. You get a stack and they dump a clump in.

[Alan]

Yeah, we're trying to go to the punch card system, but for now we're clumps. Yeah, we're doing clumps. Yes. Well, you brought up something that is news to me about my post, which I should be honest. I am not. I am not the best at social media. I am still new to social.

[Nicole Parker]

Really?

[Alan]

Okay, that is my cat. That is my cat.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Which cat are we.

[Alan]

So that is my cat.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, Right. Listen, you just keep saying, that is my cat.

[Alan]

That is my cat. Look, I have a cat, okay? I'm really trying to raise her profile on social media. I'm really trying to make her a cat influencer. And. Okay, so I find that the word help gets people's attention, Right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure it does.

[Alan]

Sort of like clickbait. So I have been using help, Right. To try and get eyes on my cat. And I really thought I had attached the picture of the cat to the post.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. Because I did wonder if there was one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Alan]

Oh, shoot.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And let me ask you.

[Alan]

Shoot. It's okay.

[Nicole Parker]

It's okay. Take a breath. Just take a breath. You're in a safe place. Place. We're here to clear things up. I love posts like this. Because then we can clear things up. Because I think people are confused.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Absolutely. Now, Allan, is Sharon the name of the cat? It read me as if Sharon had.

[Nicole Parker]

Abducted the cat, but that's how I read it, too.

[Alan]

Yeah, well, so Sharon is someone in our neighborhood. My neighbor who lives on Cleveland. Oh, sure. Neighborhood, neighbor. Neighbor Sharon. Look, and I really thought that she would enjoy a picture of the cat. I know that she has a few Instagram followers. I was hoping that she would share the picture.

[Nicole Parker]

I missed that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sharon is neighbor Sharon.

[Nicole Parker]

Sharon is neighbor Sharon.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who lives near you.

[Alan]

Who lives near me in Cleveland.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Alan]

And I was really trying to tag her to see if I could get some eyes on my cat. Okay, look, I.

[Nicole Parker]

So you were just trying to get Sharon's attention?

[Alan]

Basically, I was trying to get Sharon's attention.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. You were hoping for a repost.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Ellen. Ellen, you seem very flustered.

[Alan]

I'm so.

[Nicole Parker]

I know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I really.

[Nicole Parker]

I want you to feel relaxed.

[Alan]

Look, I'm so sorry. It's that my grandson, you know, he used to run the social media account for the cat, and then he went off to college. Oh, gosh.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Alan]

He went off to college. He left me with all the passwords, and I'm in.

[Nicole Parker]

That's not fair. Wait, how many followers? No, wait. Do we establish the name of your cat?

[Alan]

My cat's name is how many followers.

[Nicole Parker]

Does Sam have and what is the handle, if I may ask?

[Alan]

Sam has 9,000 followers.

[Nicole Parker]

Wow. That's a lot.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why do you need Sharon's?

[Alan]

Look, I'm trying to. I'm trying to monetize this cat.

[Nicole Parker]

Sure. What is it? What is the handle? Well, first. First. First and foremost, we're gonna get that handle out here right on the airwaves right now. What is cat. What is Sam cat's handle?

[Alan]

Sam Cat's handle is at Sam, danger, danger. Cat. Look at this cat.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's. That's a long handle.

[Nicole Parker]

Long handle that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sam. Cat, danger, danger. Look at this cat.

[Nicole Parker]

That.

[Alan]

Look. I know. So listen, I'm. I'm trying to get my. My cat's profile out there so I can get some more sponsorships, maybe some more to get on the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Some more sponsorships.

[Alan]

I used to. You know, my grandson had some sponsorships for the cat.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, and what were they?

[Alan]

Well, we had Purina for a minute.

[Nicole Parker]

A minute?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's huge.

[Nicole Parker]

Why do I feel like she means a literal minute?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, why. Why does Jon feel that way?

[Nicole Parker]

Am I right?

[Alan]

You are feeling that way because you saw our pur app that. Our party Barpy arena ad. Okay, there was.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Alan, you've gotta relax.

[Alan]

I'm so sorry. My grandson has all the passwords we don't understand.

[Nicole Parker]

For everyone listening, Alan hasn't sat down yet. Like, literally just pacing back and forth.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's not even at the table.

[Nicole Parker]

Like, we have a microphone.

[Alan]

Sit down.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, you should sit down.

[Alan]

Oh, okay, I'll sit down. I'll sit down. Let's start from square one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm sorry, Alan. I'm sorry I misgendered you, but you were so far away.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. We just want to make sure. Okay, so. Okay, so you're sitting down. Alan is sitting down. Fantastic.

[Alan]

That should help.

[Nicole Parker]

That should help.

[Alan]

I'm relaxed. My heart rate is going down. My pacemaker has stopped beeping. Everything. Everything is wonderful. Normal. So happy to be here. Okay, listen.

[Nicole Parker]

So the. Yep. Listening.

[Alan]

No. Okay. We were talking about. I don't mean to interrupt you. This is your show.

[Nicole Parker]

No, but you are our guest now. Silence. You. Oh, please don't do that. Doesn't help anybody. That's not gonna. That's gonna make nobody relax.

[Doug]

D. I was just trying.

[Alan]

Oh, no. Now that I'm hearing it. Silence. It sounded so rude. Listen, I'll. I'll go stand up and I'll stand over there again.

[Nicole Parker]

Please, please stay seated.

[Alan]

Okay, I'll Sit back down.

[Nicole Parker]

You were going to tell us about your Purina ad. And what. Why would. Why did that go south so quickly?

[Alan]

Well, my grandson. He is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, what's his name?

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, let's talk about him.

[Alan]

My grandson.

[Nicole Parker]

Let's talk about it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right. Let's. Let's talk about the elephant of the room.

[Alan]

Let's address my grandson. His name is Elmer.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Alan]

And he is starting freshman year at Stanford University.

[Nicole Parker]

Good for him.

[Alan]

And he is generation Alpha. So he was raised. He was an iPad baby, right? He was an iPad baby. And so he gained knowledge of all of these apps and whatnot. So he reached out to Purina, said something to the effect of bet you won't sponsor my grandma's cat page.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So it wasn't dare.

[Alan]

Sort of dared him to do it. And Purina social media person to. To. As much as I can understand, it responded bet. And so.

[Nicole Parker]

Responded bet.

[Alan]

He responded bet. And that's sort of a gen Alpha phrase for, like. You got it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Brands are very savvy.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, thank you. I did need a little bit of help with that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Brands like to pretend they're fun people.

[Nicole Parker]

That's the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's the thing.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Alan]

Brands out. Yes. They're. As far as I can understand it, brands are people, just like you and I. And.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And brands are people, my friend.

[Nicole Parker]

For sure. And what does it mean again, specifically? Was it Canadian Convey.

[Alan]

It could base. It conveys, like. Yes. Or I agree.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. Okay.

[Alan]

Bet like, you got it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm so sorry.

[Nicole Parker]

I don't want to be hung up on it, but I don't. I want to know how it's spelled, too. It's bet.

[Alan]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I. I did hear Doug do a plaintiff, but.

[Nicole Parker]

Did you have something, by the way. Oh, boy. What. What's happening over there related to this.

[Doug]

Subject of what the kids are saying?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, sure, sure.

[Doug]

Like bets, right?

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Doug]

I had this thought earlier, and I didn't. I didn't voice it.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Doug]

Season eight, no crumbs.

[Nicole Parker]

So not a name. Just. We're adding.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're adding season eight, no crumbs.

[Nicole Parker]

I mean, it's a pretty tall order just to start out that way. It's a challenge, really.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is this something people will still be saying by the end of the season? Because I feel like it's really on the way.

[Nicole Parker]

It sure is. It's on the. It's on the. The chopping block.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You can tell by who starts saying it that.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, like, you are the example.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Alan. So. Sorry.

[Nicole Parker]

Sorry. That the voice you're hearing, and I don't Want to startle you because I know you. I think you're easily startled. Is. Is my husband. He is our engineer. He's. He's in another room.

[Alan]

He's in the other room.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh.

[Alan]

Oh, there he is.

[Nicole Parker]

Sorry, that was really loud. Babe, you just got to be. I don't know why you said we've got someone who's.

[Alan]

I'm sorry. No, I don't mean to make my problem your problem. No, I need to be less easy.

[Nicole Parker]

Alan, you're perfect. You haven't done anything. Oh, thank you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

To me, you are perfect.

[Alan]

Thank you.

[Nicole Parker]

Thank you.

[Alan]

That's so nice to hear.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now I can put these cards away.

[Alan]

My therapist sent you those or something.

[Nicole Parker]

You are right where you're supposed to be right now.

[Alan]

I'm right where I supposed to be. Be right where I'm supposed to be.

[Nicole Parker]

So. So you have. So that. This is how you got the. We're talking about the period ad still.

[Alan]

Yes, the Purina.

[Nicole Parker]

Right.

[Alan]

So. So. So Elmer said. So Fiorina responded, bet.

[Nicole Parker]

Right. Right.

[Alan]

Left off. Fiorina responded, bet as in, we'll sponsor your cat.

[Nicole Parker]

Sure.

[Alan]

So my grandson made.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Elmer.

[Alan]

Elmer. Yes. He made. He made this ad to this sponsored content for Purina. It was up for a minute, and then Purina said, actually, no bet, no go, no go, Take it down.

[Nicole Parker]

No bet. No, no bet, no go, no go, take it down.

[Alan]

They said that. I guess it wasn't what they were looking for. He. He tried to get too. Too, too Mimi with it. Too ironic.

[Nicole Parker]

Could you give exactly. Like, what was he. What were the images? Images?

[Alan]

He said, well, it's this thing where the kids. They think that talking about the brand like it's bad is good. My cat would never eat Purina.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, sure.

[Alan]

And they didn't like it.

[Nicole Parker]

Sure. Because it's tough.

[Alan]

It didn't work.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Was that it? My cat would never eat Purina.

[Alan]

That was the commercial.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And what was happening in the. The ad while. While this is being said, it was.

[Nicole Parker]

A cat in the background. Was your cat in it?

[Alan]

My cat.

[Nicole Parker]

It.

[Alan]

Sam was in it. Throwing up. Oh.

[Nicole Parker]

And yeah, that certainly didn't help.

[Alan]

And they didn't like it. Nobody liked it. Instagram didn't like it. Purina didn't like it.

[Nicole Parker]

Instagram told you they didn't like it.

[Alan]

They sent me an email. They said, we don't like this.

[Nicole Parker]

Instagram sent her an email.

[Alan]

Wow.

[Nicole Parker]

From Instagram?

[Alan]

Yeah, It's. It feels special. And I responded, you know, what can we do to fix this? And they. And they said, nothing. So.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow.

[Alan]

I. I know.

[Nicole Parker]

I sure is. There's no movement there. There's no way wiggle room, fix this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Nothing.

[Alan]

He said nothing. And I. And there's not much to go from there. They sort of put a hard stop to the relationship.

[Nicole Parker]

So. So has there been an ad campaign that you have been running that has been successful?

[Alan]

Well, since I took over, I haven't been able to make it.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Alan]

Since I took over, I've been emailing brands. I've been saying, you know, danger, danger.

[Nicole Parker]

Are you going out to. What kind of. Wait, wait, wait. So the day. The danger to the danger of it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you open the emails with danger? Danger?

[Alan]

I open with danger.

[Nicole Parker]

Because that is in the handle, right?

[Alan]

That is in the handle, yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Has anyone ever told you that might be part of the problem? Because I don't. Why is danger in it?

[Alan]

That is interesting because I am trying to grab eyes.

[Nicole Parker]

Right.

[Alan]

And I would say it's working in that. My comment section is flooded.

[Nicole Parker]

Sure.

[Alan]

It's with people going, is the cat okay? Are you okay?

[Nicole Parker]

Right. That's sort of like a ratio problem where really no one's really liking it for a good reason and they're commenting for a bad reason. They're concerned.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And people really do have trouble interpreting things online when they say.

[Nicole Parker]

Because do they ever.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If the handle has the word danger in it. I don't. I would not take that to mean, oh, this cat is perpetually in danger.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, right. Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But people. There are people that read that and say, is the cat in danger?

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. And I mean, I get. Makes someone immediately invested. But. But maybe in the wrong way that then what you're hoping I was concerned.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then you could sometimes get angry if somebody says, oh, no, there's no. No problem.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And you feel as if they've. They've led you to believe there is a problem and you try to help out and then they say, oh, no, everything's fine.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, God, it's exhausting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm getting mad at you.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, no, no, no, no, Ellen. Oh, no, we don't need this. No, sit down, Sit down.

[Alan]

Please sit down. This is good to figure this out because it's. It's interesting to hear from the other end of it, you know, because I spend a lot of my day is responding to people who say, is the cat okay? Is the cat okay? Is the cat okay? And I respond, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I say, yes. Why do you ask? Yes, why do you ask? Yes, why do you ask?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, on to every single one that's Exhausting.

[Alan]

It takes a long time. And I. I think that people sort of drop off. They don't want to know more about the cat. One side.

[Nicole Parker]

Sure. Yeah. Because they're already scrolling on to the next thing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

What if. What if you shot a. A fun reel where the cat, where Sam's doing something fun or playful and show that the cat is okay? So people need to be shown, I think.

[Alan]

Right, right. And then. And then grab their attention with something like. So.

[Nicole Parker]

No, no, no. What I'm saying is let it just be. Let it just be a happy cat.

[Alan]

Need. Need assistance.

[Nicole Parker]

No, no, those. I think, no.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Need assistance.

[Nicole Parker]

I think that you know what's happening, Alan. I think because you have pacemaker and you're an older person, you're getting flooded. Your algorithm is just full of, you know, I've fallen and I can't get up and I need assistance and I.

[Alan]

Watch every time when the life alert commercial comes on. When I fallen and I can't get up, it's. It grabs me right away. It's great for engage. I'm locked in. I'm like, I want to know if this person's getting up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But, but, but you understand that's for a specific product that's designed for that eventuality.

[Nicole Parker]

Correct.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And it doesn't. You can't just use that same advertising for anything.

[Nicole Parker]

No. Especially a cat. You know, because that is something that generally on Instagram and I feel like social media people are looking to the cat videos for solace or for happiness or for a good laugh, you know, something feel good. No one wants to see a cat in danger, so the two words shouldn't be together unless it's dangerous. Your cat, you know, and that sounds exciting.

[Alan]

Oh, that sounds fun.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, I don't mean to give you the idea, but did you say it's a pun? No, it sounds fun.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, fun. I was really racking my brain for a second.

[Alan]

I mean, this is. This is a huge doja cat was.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All I came up with.

[Nicole Parker]

No.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So now what. What does. Is. Alan is. Is. Is. Sorry, you're Alan. Is Sam a cute cat?

[Alan]

Sam is a fairly cute cat.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay?

[Alan]

He's fairly cute. He's. He's got, you know, these adorable whiskers.

[Nicole Parker]

Like orange t. What are we talking about?

[Alan]

He's a tortoise shell cat. Tortoise shell cat. I love him. Found him outside nine years ago. He's nine years old. Alive.

[Nicole Parker]

No, I thought you said I found him outside dying years ago.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Dying years ago.

[Alan]

I found him.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sorry, what would that phrase Mean, if that were a phrase. Dying years ago.

[Nicole Parker]

That's years ago. She found him outside dying. That she saved him.

[Alan]

I apologize.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It applies specifically to any living thing you found dying.

[Nicole Parker]

I thought that she saved him in a way. I now realize it was nine years ago.

[Alan]

Dying years ago. In a way, every year is dying. If we are all toward that trajectory.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, yeah. As soon as we're born, we start dying.

[Nicole Parker]

We're really focusing on negative stuff again now. Isn't that terrible?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You get conceived and then things are going great, and then as soon as you come out, you're dying.

[Alan]

Every day you get older and older until you're no more.

[Nicole Parker]

That's right. This is true. Oh, boy.

[Alan]

This is really bringing me down.

[Nicole Parker]

You're okay. You're okay. All right.

[Alan]

Confronting my mortality. Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

Whoa, whoa. He's on the island now. I need you to get down, Alan, because that's not safe. You have very brittle bones.

[Alan]

Okay. Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

Come on. Get down.

[Alan]

I'll hop off.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, God, no, don't hop off. Take my hand. Take. Oh, wow. Pretty spry.

[Alan]

Pretty spry.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I like that little noise you made.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, it was adorable.

[Alan]

Look, I see, this is what I'm talking about.

[Nicole Parker]

Maybe like a little fun video video of Sam with, like, little sound effects that you make. Like that, you know, or you know, just. Can I has cheese, you know.

[Doug]

Okay, now that one's a cheeseburger.

[Alan]

Now, I know that meme. Yes.

[Doug]

That one's older than eight. No crumbs.

[Nicole Parker]

I don't know. I'm a realtor. What do you want for me? I never pretended to be into all this stuff.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know, Joan, what really sold it for me was the hand on the hip.

[Doug]

Can I. Oh, she did. The hand on the.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, I've always thought that that phrase should come with that gesture.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Absolutely.

[Nicole Parker]

Go ahead. They go hand in hand. I forgot the burger part. Thank you, Alan. Just cheese.

[Doug]

Can I ask.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Cheese.

[Alan]

Can I has cheese?

[Nicole Parker]

Can I has cheese?

[Alan]

Okay. Can.

[Nicole Parker]

Can I has cheese. Now is walking. Being quiet.

[Alan]

Has cheese. So maybe we can narrow in on words of the problem.

[Nicole Parker]

Because heroin at all.

[Alan]

Look, I, I, I, I would love to. I mean, you know, because I'm, I'm trying to. I'm trying to monetize the cat. I'm trying to find an income stream. I, Yeah, I, you know, I, I run the, I run the, the, the movie theater. Just the Clumps, a list program, so it's not very lucrative.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now, just the Clumps is where you don't actually see the movies.

[Alan]

You just collect The Clumps Gloves.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Alan]

So it's.

[Nicole Parker]

That's got to be a real specific type of.

[Alan]

For lovers of subscription to movie theaters.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's Joan does the greatest impression of the. Of the video that plays before the movie.

[Alan]

Oh, I'd love to see it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Of that actress that says, you know, why we all gather in this place.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, I forget which actress it is. I think it's Nicole Kidman.

[Doug]

Okay. That's the AMC one.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh. Oh, I'm thinking of the amc. Dignity.

[Doug]

One is similar, but it's a different actress.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But I can't remember who it is.

[Nicole Parker]

And what would you say she sounds like? Burnt.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know, accuracy. It's somebody famous, though.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That, you know.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, you mean like someone who's not Nicole. Kidding Kidman.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Well, I mean, it's not. Because Nicole Kidman does the AMC one. This is another famous actor that you're familiar with, and I think I've heard you do this impression before.

[Nicole Parker]

Is it the one where it's like, we come to the theater?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. It's CCH Pounder.

[Nicole Parker]

I don't want to be caught doing that. I don't. That's not appropriate. Burnt. That's not appropriate. I. I didn't know you meant her. Now I feel like you set a trap for me. That's not fair.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, I'm not trying to trap you. I'm so sorry. Maybe it's not, but. But what is the. What does she say again?

[Nicole Parker]

She says, and it's not cch. CCH Pounder.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, it's not.

[Nicole Parker]

I misspoke. It's CCA Pounder.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

CCA Pounder.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, that's right.

[Nicole Parker]

She's a little lone actress, but she's been in everything. Trust me. Name it, she's been in it. And she says, we come to the theater to see love. We come to the theater to see pain. We. We come to the theater to get clumps. My clumps. My clumps. My lovely movie clumps. Collect them all. And then she disappears.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, just disappears.

[Alan]

And the sweatshi been selling that. Say, my clumps. My clumps. My lovely lady clumps have been selling so well.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, that's great.

[Alan]

So well.

[Nicole Parker]

That's good. But that is a very niche group of people that don't see the movies. They just want the clumps. They're like those Disney pin collectors, you know? It's very specific. They hate Disney.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They love the pins.

[Nicole Parker]

That's right. Don't want anything to do with the rides. Just give me those pins.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A lot of times you'll hear the them say, like, look, I can't send Disney, but credit where credit is due.

[Nicole Parker]

Great.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Pins.

[Nicole Parker]

That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now.

[Nicole Parker]

Now, here's the other thing. That's a good idea. What about merch for Sam?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Merch for Sam.

[Alan]

Merch for Sam.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. Not. Yeah, merch for Sam.

[Alan]

Merch for Sam.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Merch for Sam.

[Alan]

Merch for.

[Nicole Parker]

You could do, like, mugs. You could do pins. You could do a sweatshirt.

[Alan]

Oh, no, that's a nice idea.

[Nicole Parker]

You know, that's a very nice.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The words danger or help.

[Nicole Parker]

No, danger. I know that there's famous. We love the cat hanging from the tree, but something more fun and more positive, you know? Positive. P, A W, S O T I V E. What about that? So you keep it positive.

[Alan]

You think people are. Who are, you know, just going about their day. They're. They're looking for things to engage with.

[Nicole Parker]

Anything. They're looking for Anything. Anything.

[Alan]

Please, something grab me. Something grab me. You think positive is enough?

[Nicole Parker]

I do.

[Alan]

I really get eyes on my Sam.

[Nicole Parker]

I do, actually. Especially if it's a picture of your Sam.

[Alan]

I really hope this works.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, I mean, that's just one idea. Alan, I will need you to come up with more.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Alan]

For the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

For the videos. I mean, is there. Is there something. Is there something cute that Sam does, that you love? Do you talk to Sam in a. In a sort of cat voice like a lot of people do with their pets?

[Alan]

Yes. Yeah. Well, Sam and I do have these little conversations where I'll say, how Love this? How's it going, Sam? And then he'll say, meow. And then I'll say, oh, very good, Sam. And then he'll say, me meow. And, you know, I've. I've tried to film these, and I just don't know if there's anything cuttable. I mean.

[Nicole Parker]

Cuttable.

[Alan]

Cuttable.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Alan]

Clippable.

[Nicole Parker]

Clippable.

[Alan]

The kids love vertical clips, you see.

[Nicole Parker]

Sure.

[Alan]

They don't want to engage with anything horizontal anymore.

[Nicole Parker]

Right, right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Have you thought about turning the camera.

[Alan]

Oh, my God.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

90 degrees?

[Alan]

Oh, my God.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, my God.

[Alan]

I could go 90.

[Nicole Parker]

Go 90.

[Alan]

Okay. Now, this is a lot to take. I really. I really, really, really want it to work.

[Nicole Parker]

I. I think you should change the handle to Sam goes 90. And I think that that will catch people's eye. And then they're gonna. It's gonna look the way they want. And then you can have a little dialogue with him. And what's fun, you could do little subtitles of what he's Actually saying maybe.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I've seen that a lot. People really enjoy.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, is it too much? Is that. Is that market flooded?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I. I mean, yes, but that doesn't seem to be stopping people.

[Alan]

Okay, subtitles for the cat. For what he's. What he's saying like the cat's like. Like he could say heck.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And who.

[Nicole Parker]

Can I has cheese.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can I has cheese?

[Alan]

For example, can I has cheese.

[Nicole Parker]

Thank you for doing the hand on hip.

[Doug]

I hate to correct anytime. I believe it's. I. I can has cheese.

[Nicole Parker]

No, I know, babe. I got it wrong. We. We've already been over this. I got it wrong. It was embarrassing for me. I tried to move on.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I know, but Doug, we. We can't relitigate this.

[Nicole Parker]

We simply can't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If we're not going to relitigate Sharon Stone Basic Instinct, we're not going to do that.

[Nicole Parker]

Nothing. Not today. Not today.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right, so Alan, let me. Let's get a sense of your background. So do you. Do you live alone? Is it just you and Sam? Thank you.

[Alan]

I. I live a bachelor lifestyle.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Question of the season.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, oh, you do.

[Alan]

I live a bachelor lifestyle. I am single.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Were you married? I mean, you have a grandson.

[Alan]

Yes, I, I was married. My wife Evelyn and I. I are. My ex wife. Sorry, I misspoke. Force of habit. It's been 10 years since the divorce. I am a bachelor.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Alan]

And you know, part of the reason why I'm trying to monetize my cat, why I'm trying to get this income stream, is because I am simply addicted to going on dates with women.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh.

[Alan]

I. Simply addicted to it. Simply addicted to it. I. I love going on dates with women. Taking them to the movie. Movie theater. I love taking them to restaurants. It's so fun to take a woman to a location.

[Nicole Parker]

Wow. Well, that's really refreshing, honestly.

[Alan]

And the guys get it. I know my guys get it.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Alan]

I love taking a woman to a location. All my friends say that. All my friends say that about me. They all say that. Oh, but no, I'm not too much of a wild horse or anything. I go on a lot of first dates. I go to a lot of. It's a lot of PG stuff. It's a lot of.

[Nicole Parker]

A lot of first dates. Now that's interesting. Are there any follow up dates or are you really kind of first date kind of person I love. Are you looking for a relationship or just for these dates?

[Alan]

I really, I'm in it for the, the dates.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think just like the experience of like going out to a Dinner. And then later, like a little, you know, like, French kiss over the shirt action.

[Alan]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

That's a little over the shirt.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Pg.

[Alan]

Over the shirt at most. That's pg. You can do that. They do it in Shrek. Watch. They do it in Shrek.

[Nicole Parker]

They do over the shirt and Shrek.

[Doug]

There's heavy petting.

[Nicole Parker]

No one's even wearing a shirt.

[Alan]

I think I, I'm pretty sure I.

[Nicole Parker]

Remember over the tunic.

[Alan]

I'm pretty sure I remember them doing over the tunic and trick. But I love it. I love the. I love, I love. You know what I love is the check dance.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Back and forth. Am I gonna.

[Alan]

Or are you gonna. Or are you gonna.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Should I.

[Alan]

Should I.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The reach. Yeah.

[Alan]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Now, what Doug would do when we were dating is he would flip. He would, he would grab his wallet and he'd flip it out like he, he was a, he was a sick shooter in a, in a gunfight and, and really be like, you know, it would. Just let me know you ain't paying, little lady. Remember that? Babe, when you would do that, you don't remember it?

[Doug]

Oh, no, I, No, I. Sorry, I was.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, he's saying, like, nope, you're not gonna.

[Doug]

Nope, you're not gonna pay. This one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I really thought that was a hard. Like, I do not remember that at all.

[Doug]

And then sometimes I would, I would whip it around like a switchblade.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. He would. Always, Always with sound effects. I just thought, oh, he, he's cute.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you mean like a butterfly knife?

[Doug]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Doug]

Wait, is that different than a switchblade?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Switchblade is just the one way that comes out, and the butterfly knife is sort of like.

[Doug]

It's not a way of whipping it around.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't even know how to describe it.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, I do not.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I hope an alien never asks.

[Nicole Parker]

It's as if a Swiss army knife lost all its screws.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Joe. Perfect. Now, Alan, what do you know in advance? You're going to pick up the check, or do you genuinely not know what's going to happen?

[Alan]

Do I know in advance if I'm. If I'm dating the woman?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you like to pick up the check on a date?

[Alan]

I, I. Oh, yes. I'm sorry. Sorry.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are you okay?

[Alan]

I had something in my throat. I'm so sorry. I had something in my throat.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are you in danger?

[Nicole Parker]

I'm just so worried.

[Alan]

I'm not in danger.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. Okay, good.

[Alan]

I'm not in danger. I'm perfectly safe.

[Nicole Parker]

Great.

[Alan]

I, I. No, I know, I know. I'm going to pick up the ch.

[Nicole Parker]

Always know you always.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's fun. You make them sort of wonder a little bit.

[Alan]

I like to make them go, oh, should I? Oh, it's the 21st century. Oh, but, but, but, but, but the d. But the 50s are back. Oh, but they're not. But also. And so I like.

[Doug]

Fun move.

[Alan]

Yeah.

[Doug]

You go, allow me, I'll pick this up. And then you have always have a bunch of change in your pocket and then you just start counting quarters like you're going to pay and just pure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, so you really drag it out. Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Although there was one time he said, let me pick this up, and he just picked it up. Like literally just picked it up, held it. Yeah. And then dropped it. I did not like that one. We broke up for five months after that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That makes sense. I can see that.

[Nicole Parker]

So now go on about the dating. I want to know is, are you a serial dater? Do you really call any of these women ever again or are you just kind of doing a one off every.

[Alan]

Time it's turned into a one off? You know, I, I try to, you know, do a second date. Do the sort of like the, the, the boring couple hangouts where you're just watching TV with your, with your partner. I try, I try to go, well, we've, you know, we've done one date. Now it's time for a relationship. And then I go in there and.

[Nicole Parker]

And I just means binge watching a series together.

[Alan]

Yes. We flip on the Love is Blind or the Ultimatum or whatever. Nick Lachey Vanessa Lachey project is available.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do they have more than one project now?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, they have so many projects.

[Alan]

Did not realize they have at least two projects.

[Nicole Parker]

They've always got something going on, a million different things.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do admire them for that?

[Nicole Parker]

Absolutely.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, no flies on them.

[Nicole Parker]

No flies on them.

[Alan]

But I simply, I just don't feel that same spark I get when I'm meeting a new woman at a, at a new location and, and, and paying for her to have a location.

[Nicole Parker]

That's a very specific high that you're chasing. You know, I wonder if there's a way to achieve that where it's just not so costly for you because this seems like the whole reason why you're trying to monetize your cat.

[Alan]

It's expensive.

[Nicole Parker]

It seems cost prohibitive for you to do this.

[Alan]

It's very expensive. And you know, I, and I've tried to do first date at the library, first date at the park, first date the beach. You know, things that are cheap, that are free or cheap and it just doesn't feel the same.

[Nicole Parker]

Wow. It's part. Part of it for you is the spending. That's.

[Alan]

That's part of the spending. And the. The climax of that. That the third act of the date where you have to pay the check. There's a. There's.

[Nicole Parker]

There's no check to pay at the beach. There's no check to pay at the park.

[Alan]

So how long do you stay there? Sometimes you stay there, what, 10 hours? You know, there's no out.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There's no natural out.

[Alan]

There's no natural out with the.

[Nicole Parker]

And they don't start putting the chairs up at the beach.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know what's fun on a date when you. You're. You've paid the check and you're still just hanging out there and you're still talking, and that's when you know it's going really well.

[Nicole Parker]

I know when it's so nice. And they're closing it down at the beach, what happens?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The sun goes down.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. No one wants to be at the beach when it's after hours.

[Alan]

And then if you get there at a. At a time where it's almost five, and then it's like, well, you. We should go home. This is kind of. Kind of a bust. But the sunset is happening, so we do have the pressure to stay for the sunset. It's a romantic moment to sort of social pressure.

[Nicole Parker]

Pressure. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So majesty.

[Alan]

It's a nightmare.

[Nicole Parker]

And I have a. So I have a question.

[Alan]

Yes?

[Nicole Parker]

Your grandson, Elmer, is he your only living relative right now?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What about your children or child?

[Alan]

Oh, my children. Yes, my children.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There's this scene that should have been the beginning of the conversation, but.

[Alan]

My children. Ah, God.

[Nicole Parker]

Shoot.

[Alan]

My children.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, wait. Why you just keep saying that?

[Alan]

I don't know. I just. They're gonna.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, he's getting under the chair.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They're gonna be all, we can't see.

[Nicole Parker]

Come on, Please come out.

[Alan]

Let me come back.

[Nicole Parker]

Please come out.

[Alan]

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't mean to dre a drama queen. I just know they're gonna be all passive aggressive about this when I see them at Christmas to go, oh, well, interesting you brought up Elmer before us.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, interesting?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You mean on this podcast? You think they'll listen to the podcast?

[Nicole Parker]

I think that.

[Alan]

Yes, I think they'll listen. I think they'll listen and they'll go, you know, why wasn't I lis. I. Meredith. My two daughters. My children, Lisa and Meredith. Lisa and me.

[Nicole Parker]

You're saying that a Lot like you have to remind yourself that they're your children. What's going on there?

[Alan]

Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm.

[Alan]

I just want to make sure I have all my ducks.

[Nicole Parker]

He's holding a picture up of both of them.

[Alan]

I've got. Yes, I've got them right here. And they're lovely. Just want to make sure I have all my ducks in a row.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So.

[Alan]

Yes, I have.

[Nicole Parker]

Which.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Which one is. Is Elmer's mother.

[Alan]

Meredith is Elmer's mother.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Alan]

She is a woman in stem, and she is.

[Doug]

Which.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I know what that means.

[Nicole Parker]

Good for you, Bert.

[Alan]

You know what that means? Good.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Always have, and I always will.

[Alan]

And you continue to know. That's amazing.

[Doug]

I don't know the em. I don't think the. Wait. Science, technology. Einstein.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did you say Einstein?

[Doug]

Einstein.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, no, not the German.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You trapped. That was a trap.

[Doug]

I trapped.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You was a trap.

[Alan]

Yes. She is a woman in stem. She is working on a. A new way to measure molecules.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, good.

[Nicole Parker]

Wonderful. We need that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What a relief that somebody's on the case.

[Nicole Parker]

It keeps me up at night sometimes. Who's measuring those molecules?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I remember hearing about the way we measure molecules, and I think, there's got to be a better way.

[Nicole Parker]

100%.

[Alan]

There has to be a better way. She.

[Nicole Parker]

She was like people in the.

[Alan]

I don't even want to do it.

[Nicole Parker]

But there's got to be a better way to do. We're lucky.

[Alan]

I want to do it the old way.

[Nicole Parker]

So inefficient.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Out of a sense of service.

[Nicole Parker]

And does she live here or is she far away?

[Alan]

She lives in Orange County. Okay. Which is hours from here.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, yes. More so. Yeah.

[Alan]

Many hours.

[Nicole Parker]

Many hours. A little bit of time in Orange County.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hours from here.

[Alan]

Many hours.

[Nicole Parker]

Many, many hours. And what about Lisa?

[Alan]

Lisa lives in Daytona beach, which I am. I am guessing, also hours from here.

[Nicole Parker]

It absolutely is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're guessing. You don't. You don't visit her?

[Nicole Parker]

Have you not ever left the city of Dignity Falls?

[Alan]

I. I try my best to stay here.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Alan]

I try my best to stay here just in case anything should happen to my house.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, I want. What could happen. What are you worried about?

[Alan]

I. I just. You know, you hear those stories of going on vacation and. And then somebody squats in your house, and I just simply don't want that happening.

[Nicole Parker]

I don't. Well, that's. If you're gone for a very long period of time. I mean, I think you can take a week vacation to Daytona to see your daughter. I think be fine. Really. You could have Sharon Check your mail.

[Alan]

Gosh, you know, I'm starting to think I'm afraid of the world.

[Nicole Parker]

I. Well, I think you're afraid, period. You're afraid of something.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You do seem like a fear based person.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Alan]

And some people are fight and some people are flight. I've just never been that machismo kind of guy.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, well, I. I don't. I always want to feel like we helped people out, but I. If I. If I can recap. I feel like. I feel like it does happen a lot, but I feel like there's a couple things that are clear. I think you need to take danger out of Sam cat's handle. Okay. I think you need to give us something vertical in positive. Vertical.

[Alan]

Vertical. Positive.

[Nicole Parker]

And merch. Merch. Merch. Merch, baby.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Alan]

Merch. Merch for clumps. Merch for Sam.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I wouldn't merge them.

[Nicole Parker]

Clumps doesn't need. We don't need a merge. Merge.

[Alan]

Well, I could. That's a great idea. If I merge them, I could kill two birds with one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, we're saying don't do well.

[Nicole Parker]

I think.

[Alan]

Help.

[Nicole Parker]

No, no.

[Alan]

Help.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Stop putting. Help.

[Alan]

Sam, come to my help house.

[Nicole Parker]

Sometimes they just don't listen. I feel like sometimes they just can't hear.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think most of the time, I.

[Nicole Parker]

Mean, in this case, Alan might not be able to hear. Do you think he's near us right now?

[Alan]

I'm not sure. What now?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Alan? Yeah, so. So I would, I would do that. I would take the. Take the scary words out. I would maybe take a picture of like Sam's feet. Say, look at these beans. You know, that kind of thing.

[Alan]

Look at these beans.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, did you say Sam's feet?

[Alan]

Yeah, the cat and the beans are paws.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, that's cute.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Cat always lands on its feet.

[Nicole Parker]

I thought you meant like an only fans feet situation for Sam.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you think there's a cat version of wiki feet?

[Nicole Parker]

There's no way. There isn't. There's someone for everything. There's something for everyone.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There's someone for everything. First the situations are created. Then somebody will like it.

[Alan]

Someone arrives.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Somebody made a wiki feet for cats and said if you build it, they will come.

[Alan]

When they said, this has been helpful.

[Nicole Parker]

Sometimes.

[Alan]

This has been helpful. You know, sometimes it's just good to say all the problems in your life. Yes. So that they're organized.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Alan]

So that they're. If you speak them into the existence, they're a little less scary.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, I'm happy that you feel that way.

[Alan]

They're a Little less. You know, I've overextended myself with women. That's one problem. I can admit that.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, great. I think that's a big breakthrough.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's name it and shame it. Is that the, is that the saying?

[Alan]

Oh, no.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, you could shame it. We don't want to shame.

[Alan]

You can shame me if you want.

[Nicole Parker]

No, we don't want to shame you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We say name your problems, and then.

[Nicole Parker]

You say, how about name it and change it? I like that better.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I know there's a phrase that I'm. I can't quite get to it. You can't do something.

[Nicole Parker]

You can't really dangerous. Name it and maim it. Oh, that's cute.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Name it and maim it.

[Alan]

Maim.

[Nicole Parker]

Ouch.

[Alan]

Yeah, ouch.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I bet anyone who's been maimed probably says ouch.

[Alan]

They probably go, I don't like this very much. Yes, I, so I, I, I will not.

[Nicole Parker]

So maybe a few less first dates. Maybe let them go.

[Alan]

But I love them.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Alan]

I do love them.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know what? One thing at a time, Joan. I will say enjoy the first dates for now, but your immediate issue is to change the online profile of Sam your.

[Nicole Parker]

Take the danger out of it. Put the fun back in.

[Alan]

I accept it from this day forward. Oh, I will edit out any helps.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Alan]

Any dangers.

[Nicole Parker]

Great.

[Alan]

Any escape. Sos.

[Nicole Parker]

Any.

[Alan]

I need assistance.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, any.

[Alan]

Oh, God. Come help me now.

[Nicole Parker]

If you need assistance, please say help or danger. But. But not online. Not on the cu.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You don't want to be a boy who cried wolf. And then when you actually do need assistance, you're not getting it.

[Alan]

Yes, I did this. This did. I did get a wellness check once where this, this, this happened to me. Oh, where? I, I, I, I, I, you know, I, I, I posted a pict. Five men from the lowercase help from the police department came and they said, knock, knock, knock. Are you okay?

[Nicole Parker]

Five men for a lowercase help with a period. Like fun.

[Alan]

You know, I don't think they have a lot to do in this town.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That is true.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, yeah, they. I think, I mean, and the police, we all know that it's. We have it. Either they either don't come at all or they all come.

[Alan]

They're not out of resources.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They're fighting to. Not the door.

[Nicole Parker]

That's right.

[Alan]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They get that battering ram out all.

[Nicole Parker]

The time for no reason. What, what would you like to say to anybody about if anyone's listening to it and they want to follow Sam Cat? Just maybe one. Well, think of this as A free commercial, you know. So let's see if we can turn. Turn a new leaf for you here. So what would you say?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sell.

[Alan]

That's very, very generous. Thank you. Sure.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. Go for it.

[Alan]

Sam said. Okay. So first of all, okay, let me stand up and I'll sit back down.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, that's fine.

[Alan]

Let me stand up and I'll sit back.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Alan]

Pace mic are off.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, no, I'm not sure that's a great idea.

[Alan]

Okay, I'll put it back on.

[Nicole Parker]

Thank you.

[Alan]

Here we go. Commercial.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Should you be able to control those from outside your body?

[Nicole Parker]

I think it's how it works.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Get a remote.

[Alan]

Maybe mine. Mine works like a watch, but I'll. But maybe I have a different watch one. Maybe I have a different kind.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. Commercial.

[Alan]

Okay, let me stand back up and I'll sit back down and I'll reset. Okay, here I am. Commercial. Hello, members of Dignity Falls. Hello, community. Okay, I have a cat. He does not need help.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay?

[Alan]

He is not in danger.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Alan]

There is nothing of immediate concern with the cat. However, I would be appreciative if you would go look at the cat's page while you're there. Throw him a. Like. Throw him a comment. Throw him a share. Again, he is not in any danger. He is fine. The cat is safe. Please follow the cat. It is imperative, but not dangerous.

[Nicole Parker]

Something positive. Just. Let me just say something positive.

[Alan]

The cat has funny paws and a delightful smile.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, and cut. That was fabulous.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Perfect. No notes.

[Nicole Parker]

Funny paws and a delightful smile.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Absolutely.

[Nicole Parker]

It's a good name for this episode.

[Alan]

You think that was the right length?

[Nicole Parker]

It's cuttable.

[Alan]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's cuttable.

[Nicole Parker]

It's cuttable. Clippable.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's cuttable. It's clippable.

[Alan]

As long as there's a clip in there.

[Nicole Parker]

There sure is a clip in there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And if it's nameable, it's fixable. It's something like that.

[Alan]

If it's cuttable, it's clipp.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If it's gottable, it's clippable.

[Alan]

If it's. Yes. Wow.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, we wish you best of luck and we wish Sam the best of luck.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

And I will follow. And Lisa and Meredith. Yes. And thank her for measuring the molecules again, please.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, please. On behalf of our podcast, please.

[Alan]

Thank you. Yeah, I'll pass along my things.

[Doug]

Feel like you could just eyeball it, right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Alan, thank you so much for being here. More when the neighbor listen returns. Hello, this is Erica. I have a Caltech baseball cap. It's new with tags. I was asking $30 for it. But I guess people are too stupid in this town to know a great deal when they see it. So it's $10. Are you happy? You pigs. It's a Caltech baseball cap. It's new with tags. It's black with orange lettering. Halloween much? Makes a great gift. New Caltech baseball cap, new with tags for $10. You can't get it for this at Caltech. $10? You're telling me you don't know anything, anyone in your life that would love this gift? You don't. But you don't have to go to Caltech or even know someone who goes to Caltech to wear a Caltech baseball cap, okay? It's not stolen valor, if that's what you're worried about. So $10, I mean, that's as close to free as you can get for a great gift like this. It's black with orange letter. Can you not see the picture? Oh, God, I hate Dignity Falls. And welcome back to the neighborhood. Listen. Wow, Alan. I don't know if we've ever had someone so anxious and upset and scared.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. Yeah. Just really wound up. Yeah, really, really wound up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Alan was at an 11 the entire time.

[Nicole Parker]

100. 100%. And, you know, I worry about him a little bit, but hopefully. Hopefully, maybe. Listen, maybe the cat influencing will just take off and you never know. You could. There's no rhyme or reason to it. Anyways.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why don't we say that about all of our guests?

[Nicole Parker]

We should. We should.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know what? You never know what's gonna happen. They could become rich and famous.

[Nicole Parker]

And famous.

[Doug]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, what's that, babe? Oh, he's trying to play. It sounded like the ceiling was caving in.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I thought. I thought there was a roaring fire.

[Nicole Parker]

It sounds like lava, man.

[Doug]

Sounds like lava.

[Nicole Parker]

You would know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I would.

[Doug]

You know, all these.

[Nicole Parker]

Is there. Is this record blank or is there.

[Doug]

Music that happens so severely warped.

[Nicole Parker]

I see.

[Doug]

This is.

[Nicole Parker]

It sounds like you're playing it on a gigantic record player.

[Doug]

Yeah, it is. It's like a big. It's like a pizza stone.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So there's a feeling warped. How are you going to be selling that one for Doug?

[Doug]

This one's going to be Bargain Bin, I think.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think that's.

[Doug]

But I think a lot of them are like this. I might. I might have to straighten them out. Get my vice out.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Your vice?

[Doug]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is that going to. I mean, will that.

[Nicole Parker]

That. What? Is that how that works? What is that? What's best?

[Doug]

Well, is that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is that what's Best, Doug.

[Doug]

I never know what's best.

[Nicole Parker]

Don't ask the question. You don't know what's best. You never know what's best.

[Doug]

Don't let the perfect get in the way of the good.

[Nicole Parker]

There it is. There it is. Wow.

[Doug]

Get my Miami Vice out here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Half a loaf is better than nothing. Miami Vice.

[Doug]

I ordered it from Miami so I could say that.

[Nicole Parker]

You ordered what from Miami?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, my. Miami Vice. Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, my God. Even I didn't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're going to gloss over that.

[Nicole Parker]

All right? We're just going to do one last post here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

I just thought that this. Listen, sometimes these. Sometimes these scenes, these things come across my. My phone, your transom. And this person just wanted to talk. Okay, I think. But this is about a cat. We got a picture of a cat right here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is apropos.

[Nicole Parker]

This is the picture of the cat.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's a funny cat.

[Nicole Parker]

It is a funny cat.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Siamese.

[Nicole Parker]

And she's. Trish has decided to write a whole monologue about this cat. Says, this is my cat. He is an a hole of the highest order. Do not let that adorable, fuzzy little face deceive you. Behind those big, innocent eyes lies a creature with the heart of a grumpy old man who just wants everyone on. Off his lawn. He plays it cool, but don't be fooled. He does not cuddle. No warm snuggles, no Aw. He loves me moments. Just a cold, hard reality Check that I am a humble servant in his kingdom. His top priorities in life. Eat, poop, sleep, repeat love and affection. That's a. Pffft. Not in his contract. Sometimes he hisses at me for existing. Other times he stares at me with the deadpan expression that practically says, pet me, but only with your eyes, peasant. Trisha's getting on my nerves. And if I dare to reach out. Betrayal. Instant betrayal. And yet, here I am, fully committed to this furry tyrant. Because no matter how much of a little menace he is, I could never imagine giving him away. He's not just a pet. He's family. A tiny, ungrateful, evil little family member. I love him anyway. Now, I will say that's very good for a junior monologue. Like if you're trying to get into a performing arts high school. Sure, that could be a fun monologue. You could also do it as very dramatic. Sure, you could do that. Or you could make it comedic. Other than that, this post serves no purpose.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a complete waste of time.

[Nicole Parker]

Very upsetting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I wish that hadn't happened. And there's no taking it back now.

[Doug]

I miss Bananas.

[Nicole Parker]

We could read another one if that one really made you mad.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I saw Bananas again.

[Doug]

You did?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Doug]

This is.

[Nicole Parker]

Bananas is still missing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Bananas is the pedestrian Corn household's missing cat. He's a beautiful yellow cat.

[Nicole Parker]

Bananas Corn is his full name, especially because of the fact that he's yellow like corn as well. So Doug tacked on the last family name to his name because it makes sense. Banana Score.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Banana Score. They had that at the first Thanksgiving. Sure did. And he has been missing for a long time, but I have been seeing him around town.

[Nicole Parker]

Wow.

[Doug]

Yeah, in a creepy way. Like, there was one night where I woke up in the middle of the night and Bananas was in my face.

[Alan]

What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You mean Sissy's been missing?

[Nicole Parker]

Well, that's crazy.

[Doug]

There was one night.

[Nicole Parker]

Why you. You didn't tell me this?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And where were you exactly?

[Nicole Parker]

I was sleeping right next to him, I should hope.

[Doug]

Yeah, she was sleeping face down.

[Nicole Parker]

I always sleep face down. Directly face down. Pillow. I have, like, a massage chair situation on my side.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's usually for the pillow. A face cut out. Yes, cut out the back.

[Nicole Parker]

Did you never know I slept that way?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I didn't know that. I.

[Nicole Parker]

You know, it's supposedly good for the vocal cords.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I remember you mentioning one time that you slept face down.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. You didn't take me literally.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I thought, well. Well, I did. And I thought, well, she's got to figure it out.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, you thought that. I meant it was a problem.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I. I thought. When I heard that, I thought, well, that doesn't seem safe. But then I thought, joe must know what she's doing. She's still here.

[Nicole Parker]

I appreciate that. Yeah, I appreciate that. You gave me that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Absolutely.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

How do you sleep again? I mean, I know you said a Murphy bed situation, but we've done away with that for a long time, you know, since Gabby's not going to put.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Up with that since the Murphy bed was broken, as you recall. Yes, I. I got used to sleeping that way. And so I have to put a bunch of pillows under my lower body.

[Nicole Parker]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

To simulate being at an angle.

[Nicole Parker]

How many are we talking? How many pillows are we talking?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's. It's got to sit like, a dozen.

[Nicole Parker]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's various sizes. So it builds up into a.

[Nicole Parker]

Wait, wait. Let's get another mattress.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, but I. You know, for Gabby, you know, how does that work?

[Nicole Parker]

She calls next to you with 12 pillows.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, the pillows are just on my side.

[Nicole Parker]

You can. But still, they're not going to stay on there on your Side.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, they do. I'm perfectly still.

[Alan]

Oh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Because the Murphy bed was a single. I didn't have a lot of room.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. So you really sleep almost like an upright vampire?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Almost.

[Nicole Parker]

Not quite.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, I'm not quite.

[Nicole Parker]

Let's not get carried away. Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

To the.

[Nicole Parker]

You, like 90 degree angle.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Not quite 90.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like a good 75.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

75 degree angle. And, you know, we get the pillows.

[Nicole Parker]

Out and no rest reflex for you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Gabby called. None taken. And Gabby. Gabby calls it the ritual. It's time for the ritual. And then we pile up all the pillows.

[Nicole Parker]

And you know, it's funny because it's usually the man that's complaining about all the women's pillows, you know, that they have to take off the bed.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And Gabby says that every single time.

[Nicole Parker]

She does. Every single time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Every single time.

[Nicole Parker]

Does that get tired?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It. You know, it's like one of those things where it started out funny and then it got tedious, and then it became funny again, then it became tedious again. Now it's on the upswing and it's funny to me again.

[Doug]

You could use the Kardashian shims for this.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, that's a very good point.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know, I thought about that, but they're not. They're not very durable. They really fall apart.

[Nicole Parker]

Of course they do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

When you really get to it, there's nothing there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And they're terrible for the environment.

[Nicole Parker]

No substance.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, I do want to ask you about what you were having a real terrible physical reaction to in the beginning, but we'll save it for the next episode. But had to do with Gabby. And I don't want to get into it right now, but just know that I'm going to ask you at the next episode. Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And we will get to that Meet Joe Black clip.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, yeah, that's right. You need to show it to me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Should we do a watch along?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, no.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Of the Meet Joe Black clip?

[Nicole Parker]

That actually. Just the Joe Black clip.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Just the clip.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, it's on YouTube. Everyone can access it.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

I mean, maybe I have seen them just forgetting it. I asked if someone gets hit by a car, but you didn't answer me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You would know if. If you had seen this, there would be no doubt in your mind.

[Nicole Parker]

But does someone get hit by a.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's best we don't talk about.

[Nicole Parker]

Wait, but is that my. But am I right? Am I close?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Joan, why won't you tell me?

[Doug]

Save it for the Watch along.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Save it for the watch along. We need your unvarnished reaction.

[Doug]

We're also going to need some time. Time filler.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Just a clip. Yeah, it'll be. We'll do. We'll do. Watch along.

[Nicole Parker]

Why can't we watch the whole movie? I've not seen the movie.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Because it's bad.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, see, this is why I avoided it all the time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And you know what? I've never seen it.

[Nicole Parker]

You haven't? No. You've just seen the clip.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I've. Now I can't remember.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, boy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I feel like I can't remember. I mean, that right there should tell you something.

[Nicole Parker]

I guess it should.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

All right, well, I guess that's it for us right now. It is at the moment, but welcome to season. We still don't have a name. Maybe it should be a lady's name.

[Doug]

Season. Great.

[Nicole Parker]

Susan. How about season Susan?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Susan.

[Nicole Parker]

I like that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, is there an e name?

[Doug]

I said season. Great.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's very positive.

[Nicole Parker]

Sure. It's a little kindergarten y though, you know, maybe that's Susan.

[Doug]

Susan I like.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, it's a. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's. Well, it's one of the clocks from our clock room. Wait, I want to bring it back to the future again.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are you spreading them out now?

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, spreading them out now.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's good because then you can find out what time you don't have to go to a room. All right, well, that does it for this episode of the Neighborhood Listen. We'll be back next week and until.

[Alan]

Then, goodbye and bye.

[Nicole Parker]

All of the posts used in this episode were real. Only some geographical specifics have been changed.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The Neighborhood Listen is hosted and produced by me, Paul F. Tompkins and me.

[Doug]

Nicole Parker and me, Bret Morris.

[Nicole Parker]

This episode's guest was played by Kylie Brakeman.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The Neighborhood Listen is a production of Comedy Bang Bang world.

[Nicole Parker]

Go to cbbworld.com to unlock the entire history of the show ad free as well as brand new full length bonus room episodes exclusive to Maximus and subscribers. Your support keeps the show going.