Glitter On The Avenue with Mark Rennie

Summary

The Neighborhood Listen - Episode Summary: "Glitter On The Avenue with Mark Rennie"

Release Date: November 12, 2024

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Introduction

In this episode of The Neighborhood Listen, hosted by Burnt Millipede (Paul F. Tompkins) and Joan Pedestrian (Nicole Parker), the trio delves into the quirky happenings of Dignity Falls. Utilizing real posts from the neighborhood social networking app, they bring to life the stories of the town's most intriguing residents through improvised character sketches.

Main Segment: The Glitter Scammer on the Avenue

Time Stamp: 26:40 - 58:38

The episode's centerpiece is a listener-submitted post by Devin Roman warning residents about a scammer on the Avenue. According to the post, this individual, identified as Carmine iPad, approaches pedestrians on a hoverboard/scooter hybrid, sprays them with glitter, and pressures them into purchasing overpriced magnets and art pieces. The scammer is described as wearing a colorful wig and bikini top, making him easily identifiable but equally annoying.

Interaction with Carmine iPad

Time Stamp: 28:02 - 58:38

To address the concern, Carmine iPad is invited as a guest to the podcast. The interaction unfolds with Burnt Millipede and Joan pressing Carmine about his methods:

• Paul F. Tompkins (28:05): "Are you scamming people?"

• Carmine iPad (28:11): "I’m providing a service... I take your cash. I give you art/magnets."

Despite initial resistance, Carmine passionately defends his actions as a means to "bring this town a little razzle dazzle." The hosts highlight the aggressive nature of his approach:

• Nicole Parker (29:36): "I don’t want you to spray that. I don’t need it."

• Carmine iPad (31:04): "I’m just trying to bring this town a little razzle dazzle."

The conversation intensifies as the hosts expose the unsustainability and unethical aspects of Carmine's business model, pointing out warnings of overcharging and unauthorized downloading of software:

• Paul F. Tompkins (38:35): "But downloading something on their phone without their consent. Right. I mean, that’s what he said. Right?"

• Nicole Parker (38:36): "Definitely sounds like a scam."

Carmine's defensive and evasive responses further cement the perception of him as a fraudulent character, leading to humorous yet critical exchanges:

• Paul F. Tompkins (42:19): "Carmen, you don’t want to remember it."

• Nicole Parker (48:45): "I have to tell you, Carmine, that’s not a business. That’s not sustainable."

The segment concludes with the hosts urging Carmine to cease his disruptive glitter-spraying tactics and reflecting on his role as an eccentric figure in Dignity Falls.

Additional Community Stories

Time Stamp: 32:03 - 66:28

Beyond the central scammer narrative, the hosts explore other neighborhood posts, adding depth to the community's vibrant tapestry:

The Pharmacist Parade

Early in the episode, Burnt Millipede and Joan discuss the annual Pharmacist Parade, an event that has gained significant popularity, overshadowing traditional Halloween festivities. This year, pharmacists dressed as skeletons to infuse some Halloween spirit back into the parade. However, the inclusion of skeletons drew ire from local doctors, highlighting tensions within the town's professional community.

• Burnt Millipede (06:00): "I think they should be separate things."

• Nicole Parker (21:33): "Most of the doctors at Dignity Falls are assholes."

Pomegranate Jelly Exchange

Another post submitted by Susan Telfer Radzat details her struggle with squirrels and rats devouring 70% of her pomegranates. Seeking assistance, she's offering a trade: a big bag of pomegranates in exchange for jars of pomegranate jelly.

• Paul F. Tompkins (65:12): "You've never had it, but you're very against it."

The hosts humorously debate the practicality and taste of pomegranate jelly, providing light-hearted commentary on agricultural challenges faced by residents.

Community Engagement and Wrap-Up

Throughout the episode, The Neighborhood Listen encourages listeners to submit their own neighborhood stories via screenshots sent to [e-mail]. This interactive approach fosters a sense of community and ensures that diverse stories from Dignity Falls are shared and discussed.

Notable Quotes:

• Carmine iPad (43:54): "I have a lot of restraining orders."

• Paul F. Tompkins (42:01): "Glitter is too aggressive."

• Nicole Parker (58:08): "I feel as if I've swum laps."

Conclusion

In "Glitter On The Avenue with Mark Rennie," The Neighborhood Listen masterfully blends humor, community insights, and engaging storytelling to shed light on the peculiarities of Dignity Falls. From uncovering local scams to celebrating unique town events, the episode encapsulates the essence of neighborhood camaraderie and the vibrant lives of its residents.

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Transcript

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins.

[Nicole Parker]

And I'm Nicole Parker.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website.

[Nicole Parker]

Occasionally, we change the names of some.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Streets, and that's all you need to know. To support the show and unlock the ad free archive, as well as exclusive monthly episodes of the bonus room, go to cbbworld.com and sign up for a Maximus membership.

[Nicole Parker]

And now, please enjoy this episode of the Neighborhood Listen.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Knock, knock.

[Nicole Parker]

Who's there?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Your neighbor.

[Nicole Parker]

Good In Dignity Fall, Never alone. You've got the neighbor half AV and us, Vern and Joan. From coyotes to male theft to weird things to sell.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We'll cover it all and meet new neighbors as well.

[Nicole Parker]

We'll chat about any posts you're missing, so just tune in to the Neighborhood Listen.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Welcome once again to the Neighborhood Listen. This is the podcast that looks at the neighborhood of Dignity Falls via two of its residents. I am one. My name is Bertiepede.

[Nicole Parker]

I love how these introductions progress. I spill coffee on my shirt because that. That. That sound you made really made me jump. Yeah, I wasn't ready. Oh, it's fine. It's fine. This shirt, it's. I didn't like it anyway. I am Joan Pedestrian. Wait a minute. What does that mean?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I thought the. I thought the door was open.

[Nicole Parker]

Wow, you thought I was. It was just an open feet. It was open.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, it's not one of my favorite tops of yours burnt.

[Nicole Parker]

Wait, are you serious?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm sorry. I really thought.

[Nicole Parker]

You really thought.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You just said, joan, I don't like this shirt anyway.

[Nicole Parker]

But you know, it's okay for me to insult my shirt, but sometimes I don't want someone else to insult my shirt. You know, I guess. I guess you just saw an opening and you took it because you're like, this is my shot to finally. Okay. What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It was a relief, frankly.

[Nicole Parker]

How long have you had feelings about this shirt?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, for as long as you've had it? I suppose so.

[Nicole Parker]

For seven years.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's a seven year old top.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. I've been wearing it throughout the. All of our seasons.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I think enough's enough.

[Nicole Parker]

Really? What is it about it? Is it the cut? Is it the color?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I. It's. I can't find a thing to like about it. That's basically the problem.

[Nicole Parker]

It is just a white blouse with one button.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How. That's what's so confounding about it? How does it manage to enrage me so?

[Nicole Parker]

Wow. You know, I really love finding out about these pockets of your brain that can fixate on something like a white shirt that I own.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I. I guess I love finding out about your brain that you wear a shirt you don't like for seven years.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, I didn't say. I think I've just. We grow. We're growing apart.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, that does happen, doesn't it? Yeah, that does happen. I had a pair of argyle socks that I really enjoyed for a long time, and then one day I saw them in the drawer, and I had blood in my mouth. I was filled with disgust. They just. I couldn't believe.

[Nicole Parker]

Blood in my mouth. That is so graphic. How wild.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I just was disgusted.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, my. Just by the sight of them.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Stupid pattern.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, boy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Couldn't stand them.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, I think you'd love an argyle. It's whimsical. Like you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I did for the longest time.

[Nicole Parker]

Just one day. Day.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

See, that's how it was with this blouse, I guess. Well, I mean. Do you want me to go change right now?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, of course not.

[Nicole Parker]

All right. Well, of course I won't. Well, anyways, everybody, I do like that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It'S stained by coffee now.

[Nicole Parker]

It's more interesting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It deserves it. It deserves it.

[Nicole Parker]

Wow, my shirt is getting a lot of flack for this. This is for a podcast that's not about shirts.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm very sorry. I do apologize.

[Nicole Parker]

It's okay. Apologize to the shirt, not to me. Burnt.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Anyway, my name is Burt Miapede. I am a pharmacist here at the Dignity Falls Machine.

[Nicole Parker]

That's right. And with me, as always, is Joan Pedestrian. I am Dignity Falls.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Top realtor and top amateur thespian.

[Nicole Parker]

Make me say that, but it always makes me uncomfortable.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I always say it, and then you always say. You always say that.

[Nicole Parker]

I guess I'm predictable.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're reliable.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, I love that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's how I look at it.

[Nicole Parker]

I love reframing that. Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Reliable.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. So much better.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Absolutely.

[Nicole Parker]

And we have. Well, I have not gone to sit and talk to you yet about how the pharmacist parade went. As everyone knows, we have. During the Halloween time, during the fall time. We have. It's become a very big deal here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Everyone turns out for the pharmacist parade. And it was just a little while ago. And, you know, I just feel so bad. I couldn't go because Escrow had. Had an accident.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is Joan's dog, Escrow, my dog.

[Nicole Parker]

Who is very old.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

31 years old.

[Nicole Parker]

That's right. That's. Yes, we do, actually, at last count.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That'S an Approximate guess that's right.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's. He's a real marvel.

[Nicole Parker]

He is a real marvel. And we were watching movies and Escrow got so scared.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. And I just didn't feel like I could leave him.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What do you think scared him? Because he's blind and deaf?

[Nicole Parker]

Do you think it's vibration reaction? It was my reaction.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Your reaction?

[Nicole Parker]

I was watching a movie and I was so terrified by it. And every time I jumped. Escrow jumped.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right.

[Nicole Parker]

And it was just terrible. And I was all set to go out and support you. And I'm really sorry that I wasn't there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, no, that's quite.

[Nicole Parker]

But I really had to. I had to. I had to hold him all night. Night long.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how, you know, it's. It's. It's a sad thing when a dog gets that old.

[Nicole Parker]

It is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And won't die.

[Nicole Parker]

It won't hurt. Well, I. I don't mind. I want him to stay around as long as possible.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I do, too. I do too.

[Nicole Parker]

I mean, you say that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I feel like I'm coming off terribly on this subject.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, we've definitely got out. We've gotten off on a strange foot. Really. We're throwing my blouse away. We're throwing my dog away.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you know what it is? Is that speaking of the. Of the pharmacist parade, you know, there was a little bit of a hiccup. You know, the pharmacist parade, as we've discussed, has become very piopular. Very popular. Yeah, very popular.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, you're sounding like the boy. The friends over in New barn.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, God.

[Nicole Parker]

With that Maine vampire accent.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Zane Transylvania accent.

[Nicole Parker]

The north atlant. The transatlantic vampire accent.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Transatlantic vampire accent. There was a little hiccup in the parade this year because as we've discussed, the pharmacist parade has become so popular. It's sort of eclipsed Halloween.

[Nicole Parker]

It has Halloween. Yeah. And I don't like that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. I don't even as a pharmacist, I don't like that. I think they should be separate things.

[Nicole Parker]

I agree.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And so I convinced everyone, the pharmacists, of all the pharmacies to dress up as skeletons this year for the big float at the end.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, fun.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Where we all come out in the big bottle.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. We've actually now discussed so many different types, bottles and pill bottles that are involved in the parade. There's one, I believe you can. That's motorized, that you can drive around. There's one that Doug imagined that was just a big Bounce house shaped like a pill bottle.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, Doug, just imagine that.

[Nicole Parker]

Pills.

[Doug Jones]

Yes, imagine.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What's that?

[Nicole Parker]

I guess.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, you did not imagine it. You theorized, which you can't do.

[Nicole Parker]

That's right, because he doesn't have an imagination.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's. That's Doug.

[Doug Jones]

That wasn't real.

[Nicole Parker]

That's my husband.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's Doug Jones. Husband. And Doug, you're. You're recording us from a different room in the house, as always. What room are you in today?

[Doug Jones]

I am on the set of Mama's Family.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So, Doug, am I to understand that you have in one. In one room in the house, you have rebuilt the set of Mama's Family?

[Doug Jones]

That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

You know, it's one of his favorite shows, and I listen. I love it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is there anyone that beats it? You've built the set.

[Doug Jones]

Well, my mom's coming to visit.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I see.

[Doug Jones]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

And he has very good memories of watching it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Mother Corn.

[Doug Jones]

Mother Corn is Mother Corn or her name is Thelma. Thelma, like Thelma and Mama's family.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, yes, that's right. Which one was Thelma? Was her. That was her name.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That was Mama.

[Nicole Parker]

That was Mama.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't think I realized that. You know, I had only seen. Ever seen Mama and her family on the Carol Burnett show sketch form.

[Nicole Parker]

That's right. When she played. When. When, you know, she. Carol Burnett played the Mama. And then Vicki Lawrence played Eunice, I believe, daughter or something.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And Carol Burnett was Eunice.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, she was. Was Vicki Lawrence always.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Vicki Lawrence was always Mom.

[Nicole Parker]

I guess she was. I forgot that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did you think that they swapped Mama Lawrence played Mama's daughter on the Car Head show.

[Nicole Parker]

That never would have happened.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then got a promotion to play Mama on her own show.

[Nicole Parker]

What a coup.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That would have been. Wow, that would have been something.

[Nicole Parker]

You are right. I guess, because Carol Burnett was hilarious as unist. I'm as Eunice.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Very popular.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm so sorry. Eunice was always played by Carol Burnett. And then it was this very funny actress who's blonde. I don't remember her name, who ended up replacing Carol Burnett, obviously, because Carol Burnett went on to wonderful things.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right. And was Ken Berry on Mama's.

[Nicole Parker]

That's right. His name was Ken Berry, played the Sun.

[Doug Jones]

And was that Hubba or Bubba?

[Nicole Parker]

Hubba, Hubba, Bubba. Wow. For the fact that we love this.

[Doug Jones]

Vint. Vinton.

[Nicole Parker]

Was that his name?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That sounds familiar.

[Nicole Parker]

Listen, I did used to watch a ton of it. Now, I will say that Doug was. Yes, he's building it for his mother, but he Always wanted to have a soundstage in the house. He always thought that would be very fun.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Really?

[Nicole Parker]

He did. And because he said then he thinks he imagines we're going to shoot our own shows or something. I don't. I don't know anything about television. I know nothing. I'm a theater person through and through. So he's been doing a lot of research and he found the correct dimensions, and then he looked at a set and he recreated it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, is there like a pattern for the Mama's Family set that you can follow?

[Nicole Parker]

Well, I just mean he looked at a bunch of pages.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I was just wondering, like, you know, in the days of the old days of the Old west, when you get.

[Nicole Parker]

A pattern for a dress, well, you could everyone make the same dress?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, you could. In. In the Old west, you could, like, order a house and you would get a package that was.

[Nicole Parker]

Is that right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know, it was a bunch of wood and things. It was all the. It was a kit for a house, for this.

[Doug Jones]

There's actually there. Have you ever been on Instructables.com?

[Nicole Parker]

No, I haven't.

[Doug Jones]

There's a full Instructables article on how to build a mama's family.

[Nicole Parker]

You're kidding.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And instructables.com. what is it? Pretty much anything that you need instructions for. Yeah.

[Doug Jones]

Yeah, that's it.

[Nicole Parker]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's like. Like manuals and things like that.

[Nicole Parker]

Manuals the world would have. That's amazing that you found that on there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How did you.

[Doug Jones]

I mean, it's so accurate that, I mean, even the power outlets and things like that, it's just.

[Nicole Parker]

Which was a key element of the Mama's Family set, if you remember. It's like Kramer's Door. Basically. I just made the door that Kramer cage runs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Jerry's door.

[Nicole Parker]

I know it wasn't called Craver's Door.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Great aim for a restaurant. Michael Richards ever opens a restaurant.

[Nicole Parker]

That'll never happen. But. But. And I have been down there. He has spent so many weeks looking through all the different, sort of like antique shops and, you know, sort of secondhand stories. He got a couch that looks great, an afghan that looks just like it. And. And I suppose. What. What's your plan, baby? You're gonna just. When she comes here, I want her to feel comfortable. You just want her to. You. You're. It's gonna be like, surprise. And do you have any plans beyond that? Or just hanging out on the side?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What the hell? Hold on a second. You want her to feel comfortable?

[Doug Jones]

She loves that show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She loves that show.

[Doug Jones]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So I don't.

[Nicole Parker]

She would feel comfortable in our house without a Mama's Family set.

[Carmine iPad]

But.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But it's now. But now.

[Doug Jones]

But, babe, you do. Question of Iola, the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who's Iola Aioli?

[Nicole Parker]

Who is that? What are you talking about? Who is Iola?

[Doug Jones]

Mama's friend.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Mama's friend. I didn't know Mama's family.

[Doug Jones]

The show included Mama's Friends called Friends and Family.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It really should be. It really should be.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm sorry, I have to look.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You better look up Iola who the hell.

[Doug Jones]

It's been a while since I don't.

[Nicole Parker]

Know who you're talking about.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So now let me.

[Nicole Parker]

Let me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let me just understand.

[Nicole Parker]

You've.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You've built. You've built it not as a room that looks like the room from Mama's Family, but you've built it like it's a set.

[Doug Jones]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Why was that such a slow response?

[Doug Jones]

Well, because I'm trying to figure out what he means.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh. Oh. I think it was a very clear question.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Have you.

[Doug Jones]

Well, the stairs don't really lead anywhere.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. So do we see. If you walk into that room, are you seeing it like we see it on television, or are you seeing it like you would see it if you were in the studio audience of Mom?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, I see. He wants to know. You're asking, like, is an actual room that just is through it's four, or does it have space for studio audience? Yes, that's the question. Yeah.

[Doug Jones]

When you walk in, you are in the living room of Mama's Family.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

Without a studio audience.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But if you go.

[Doug Jones]

I haven't. I haven't gone there yet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If you go through a door, is there anything on the other side of.

[Doug Jones]

That, or is it just sensing audience tracks?

[Nicole Parker]

Motion sense?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What does that mean?

[Nicole Parker]

I don't know what that means.

[Doug Jones]

Laughter claps her.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So if somebody walks into the room, laughter happens?

[Carmine iPad]

Yeah.

[Doug Jones]

If you, like, sit on the couch. If you open the fridge and, you know, wait, Mom.

[Nicole Parker]

Mom. I do call her Mom. She lets me call her Mom. Mom is gonna walk into this room, and she's gonna sit down, and there's gonna be a burst of laughter. Oh, yeah. Oh, my gosh.

[Doug Jones]

Well, the way she sits down is pretty funny.

[Nicole Parker]

Demonstrate this for us later. I want to hear what it sounds like when you sit on the couch, you open the fridge, and I want to hear the laughter later.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, Doug, you're saying that your mother actually, in life, sits down in a comical way?

[Doug Jones]

It's pretty funny these days.

[Nicole Parker]

It is oh, yeah. Don't say these days.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What's happened?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, my God.

[Doug Jones]

Or hips and her knees don't work as well as they used to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, that sounds cruel.

[Nicole Parker]

She can laugh at it, babe. I didn't know that your mom was struggling so hard with her hips and her knees. I literally. What's left here. He lets the whole megilla at that point.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I guess you're just praying for strong ankles. Yeah.

[Doug Jones]

Her ankles not good.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Her ankles are not good. Wow.

[Nicole Parker]

That was the last stand. That was the final.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No from the waist down.

[Nicole Parker]

All right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Just a race.

[Nicole Parker]

I do have to say that Doug was correct in that there is a character named Iola, and it was.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I didn't doubt that for a second.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, you did. I did. It sounded. It didn't sound right, but I really. Again, my memory must not be very good. After all, I thought that vigilance stole Carol Burnett's this rule.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I remember there was an episode of Carol Burnett show where they did the Mama's Family sketch, and Eunice wanted to be on the Gong Show.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And she got on the Gong show, and then it did go well.

[Nicole Parker]

You're kidding.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And the sketch ended in a very sad way. Oh, how well, she gets gonged.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then this. And then the freeze frame on Eunice. And the gong reverberates as the image.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, dear.

[Carmine iPad]

And as a.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

As a kid, it chilled me to the bone.

[Nicole Parker]

Absolutely. That's harrowing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I was like, I came here to have fun. What's going on?

[Nicole Parker]

And that's what I hope mom doesn't say when she sits down on a couch and, like, it explodes in laughter. And she would say, I came here to have fun. What's going on? Because I'm worried that she's gonna be very.

[Doug Jones]

You can't laugh at yourself.

[Nicole Parker]

Why do you want. Why do you need your mom to laugh at herself? I just want her to come out, relax. I just want her to relax.

[Doug Jones]

Just wait till she sits down. I think you'll chuckle.

[Nicole Parker]

What is it? Can you tell me what it shows me? What it sounds like?

[Doug Jones]

What it sounds like?

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. So you. Do you get to sit down on the couch?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I want you to pick the laugh track.

[Nicole Parker]

I don't know. Do you?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm asking him.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm asking him, too.

[Doug Jones]

Yeah, you can pick the laugh track.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, then what are you saying?

[Nicole Parker]

I guess I was just repeating your question to Doug. That's all that was happening. What? Oh. What was that?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What prompts that sound?

[Nicole Parker]

Are you sitting on the couch right now?

[Doug Jones]

Yeah, I Just sat down. I don't know how that helps.

[Nicole Parker]

You recorded from the 50s in, like, a classroom where no one knew they were being recorded. That sounded upsetting. The quality of that is nothing short of terrible.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you remember when you were a kid and you had laugh tracks memorized? Because when you kind of realized, oh, they used the same laughs over and over.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, right. Especially mash. Mash had very predictable ones because it should have probably never had a laugh track. Can we agree that this sitcom about a Korean hospital.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Absolutely.

[Nicole Parker]

During the war.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But there was one laugh that I remember. I would look out for it where somebody in the fake laughter would go. There was like a sort of rolling laugh this one person had, and you could pick it out.

[Nicole Parker]

I think that's fun.

[Doug Jones]

I'll clip that out and put that into the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Please.

[Nicole Parker]

Were you recording that just now? Yeah, just loop it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I mean, don't you want to get the actual laugh track from Mama's Family?

[Nicole Parker]

That would make so much sense to instructables with you.

[Doug Jones]

There's gotta be an article.

[Nicole Parker]

Record the audio of. You can record the audio of an episode. I'm sure you could find them somewhere.

[Doug Jones]

Oh, yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Gotcha now, Bert, I do want to get back to you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Probably Library of Congress.

[Nicole Parker]

That was a wild. Wild. That sounds like chicken.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I was just going to say that sounded like barnyard sounds. Don't use that one.

[Doug Jones]

Well, I was trying to give you a laugh because you had a good line.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, well, thank you.

[Nicole Parker]

Wow. This podcast does not need a laugh track. We are the laugh track, I suppose.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I guess.

[Nicole Parker]

All right, so what happened with the pill? With what? What now?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Just finally, the other pill bottle that's open to the public is. There's a pill bottle you can get in. It's like those booths with the money swirling around. But it's pills.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. You grab all the pills you can.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Absolutely.

[Nicole Parker]

But they're blown into the air.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So at the end, there's a huge orange pill bottle on its side with the white cap in the front. And of course, that is just. It's made to be broken through. Like, we all rush through it. Like football.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, like a football.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I convinced everyone to dress up like skeletons to try to bring some of the Halloween spirit back. Well, the doctors got upset because they said, you saw these guys come out of the crowds, like, at once when they saw it and they were screaming. They were saying, stay on your side of the street because we're not supposed to have anything to do with skeletons.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, my.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's supposed to Be doctors only.

[Nicole Parker]

They really got that angry.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You should have seen these people. Red faced, screaming, frothing at the mouth.

[Doug Jones]

What about the morticians?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They don't care. They, they. I mean if we come out in hideous makeup, I think they might have had something to say.

[Nicole Parker]

I don't know. I think it's just.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Doctor, if we come out there with.

[Nicole Parker]

A mouth in general.

[Carmine iPad]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

And I'm sorry but most of the doctors at Dignity falls are assholes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

100 true.

[Doug Jones]

Oh yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

They really are.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

100 is no secret.

[Nicole Parker]

It is no secret. Dignity doctors are just. I mean, what it. I mean, I mean we've got dignity docs first of all, which you've discussed before, which is the urgent care. That's right where you have to sign. They ask you to tip.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Remember he turned the iPad around. It's terrible. But yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

You know, we have like the older Dr. Rowe, you know, down in, down on. Oh, Roosevelt.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

And it's really known as the older. You know, the older doctors that. You know, I've been practicing forever and I just think they're all. They still smoke during your exam.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They offer you cigarettes during your exam, during your examination. But they, I mean, most of the.

[Nicole Parker]

Time and they're just mean.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Honestly, they're so mean. And most of the time that I spend waiting or helping. Helping someone at the pharmacy, the first thing we do is we have to talk about what an. Their doctor is. And I mean they. I'm there to, for them to vent.

[Nicole Parker]

You know, it's like you're the bartender, but.

[Carmine iPad]

Exactly.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I will just be polishing the counter. Yeah. I have a rag. I'm cleaning out a pill bottle. Yeah, that's right. And I say, what do you have, Charlie? Viagra. And yeah, so the, so the doctors were very upset and they came out of the crowd. They came out of the crowd yelling at you, screaming at us. And very like the language was pretty salty. And there were a lot of kids there. Of course.

[Nicole Parker]

It's terrible.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And children were crying. Oh no. But I do think, think that probably bodes well for Halloween next year. I think people will probably have more of it.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Besmirched the parade just a little bit.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A little bit.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know, it was at the very end and it kind of took the good taste out of everyone's mouth.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, I would say so.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Also, why are they so worked up about skeletons? I mean, there's a lot of doctors that don't specialize in that all they specialize in internal organs, GI tract or the brain.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They.

[Nicole Parker]

I think bones and feet, but they.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There are some. I think they just feel like we as pharmacists, we're nowhere near the skeleton. We have. No. That is not our purview at.

[Nicole Parker]

Right. Not at all. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. And they. I don't know. They're just the worst.

[Nicole Parker]

I don't even understand why there has to be a skeleton. And in fact, I only feel like it happens on shows. When there's a television show and there's like a doctor's office. There's a skeleton in there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There.

[Nicole Parker]

Have you actually seen a skeleton? A full skeleton in an actual doctor.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Not a dignity falls. I have seen a few. That. It's just the muscular system.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, that's upsetting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's very upsetting. And they, they. They use a spray bottle to keep it glistening.

[Nicole Parker]

I took the family to that bodies exhibit years ago. Do you remember that? Could just see.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I remember you took the family there.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, there was a. There was a groupon then. We needed something to do. I needed to get the boys out of the house. And I knew they would love this because it was their best, their wildest dreams ever getting to see, like, just gory, you know. I'm talking, of course, about my twins, Matt and Pinochet. Pinochet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did Jalia be your daughter? Care for that?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, she did not. She absolutely did not.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How did you like it, Joe?

[Nicole Parker]

She was a kid. We couldn't find her for so long.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then it turns out she was in between slices of a whale.

[Nicole Parker]

She's still. She's in therapy for that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Doug, did you like the bodies exhibit?

[Doug Jones]

I loved it.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, gosh, of course he loved it. He just kept on. He was convinced that one of them was, like, alive still, somehow, and he would, like, mad dog them, just stare them in the eye to see if he could see them blink because to him, they were like real people.

[Doug Jones]

I set off the alarms a couple times because I touched the, you know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I thought you set off the alarms on purpose to see if they would run.

[Nicole Parker]

No, no. Pinochet did that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure. Absolutely.

[Nicole Parker]

Classic Pinochet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I. You know, I have a friend who went to London and saw the. The Damien Hurst shark. You know, it was just a bit. It's a tiger shark embalmed, you know, and formaldehyde. And he told me that even knowing that this thing was long dead and in a glass case filled with death liquid, it was still terrifying to look at.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. Oh, I believe that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. I found half of it terrifying to look at. But Also just I found it very, very fascinating. Outside's fine, but it did make me get really into Pilates.

[Doug Jones]

They have good beef jerky there. I will say.

[Nicole Parker]

I don't think that was beef jerky.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think we before we Doug incriminates himself, we should probably move on.

[Nicole Parker]

I think we should take a break.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, we're right on time. We do have to take a break.

[Nicole Parker]

Good.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

When we return, we will have a guest more when the neighbor listen comes back to you.

[Nicole Parker]

This is a message from sponsor Intuit. TurboTax Taxes was waiting and wondering and worrying if you were going to get any money back and then waiting, wondering.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And worrying some more.

[Nicole Parker]

Now taxes is matching with a turbo tax expert who can do your taxes as soon as today. An expert who gives your taxes their undivided attention as they work on your return while you get real time updates on their progress so you can focus on your day. An expert who will find you every deduction possible and file every form, every investment, Every everything with 100% accurate accuracy, all so you can get the most money back guaranteed. No waiting, no wondering, no worries. Now this is Taxes get an Expert now on TurboTax.com only available with TurboTax Live full service real time updates only.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

In iOS mobile app.

[Nicole Parker]

See guarantee [e-mail] guarantees.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is Andrea. Assorted personal care products. Free bag full of partially used personal care products. Free to the first person who picks it up on the curb in front of 3761 Clinton Avenue in Dignity Falls. Now, if you look at the picture, it looks like it's just a bunch of stuff that I'm throwing away. And you know what it is. Do you want it or don't you? I don't need to hear how you feel about it. You either want it or you don't. Now if you don't want it, somebody else will take it. And if nobody else takes it, it just sits there. There you go. Your choice is your choice. I've made my choice by leaving it on the side of the road. I've done what I can. Can you not do the same? And we are back. And Joan, we have a guest here at the Kitchen island, don't we? Now what we do here on the show is we scour the neighborhap, the social networking application for neighborhoods and we look for people that live in Gugney Falls that have an interesting story to tell or sometimes are the subject of that interesting story. And if you see a post that maybe we've missed, you'd like Us to do it on the show. Screenshot it, and send it to [e-mail]. this one came from a listener. This was submitted by Devin Roman. Thank you, Devin.

[Nicole Parker]

Thank you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think of you five times a day. This is in the crime and safety section. It was submitted by an anonymous person. Just a neighbor. And the. The sort of headline of the post is beware of scammer on the Avenue. Hello. Just putting out an FYI. There is a known. They are well known in Dignity Falls. Scammer seen on the Avenue. I mean, there's many avenues, I guess. So who essentially comes up to you and sprays glitter on you and is intimidating people into buying their magnets slash art and then overcharges their cards? My friends got scammed out of $40 two weeks ago, and the scammer is still on the avenue this weekend. This individual. This individual stamina on a hoverboard slash scooter. Big difference between those two. I've never seen a hybrid and wears a colorful wig and a bikini top. Be safe. And if they approach you, I suggest you keep moving and ignore them. Stay safe, y'all. Person, one hair, pink slash wig, top, bikini. And. Well, we don't have that anonymous neighbor, but we do have this known and I'm sorry to say, scammer, please. Welcome to the show.

[Carmine iPad]

Hello.

[Nicole Parker]

What's your name?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. What should we call you?

[Carmine iPad]

Carmine. IPad.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Carmine iPad.

[Carmine iPad]

Nice to meet you. Zoom. Zoom.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Nice.

[Nicole Parker]

Now, can you explain? He's brought this. I have to say, it's gonna look like a hybrid.

[Carmine iPad]

Always on it.

[Nicole Parker]

Did you make this?

[Carmine iPad]

I call it. I'm like an amateur. Dyson kind of coupling together. A little bit of a gadgeteer.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, I forgot that Dyson was a person.

[Carmine iPad]

Oh, yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, he did.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, he's that British man that just never.

[Carmine iPad]

No, I know there was a Dreyers at some point who made ice cream.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, that's true.

[Carmine iPad]

There's a face behind the creek.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's true. There are no blue bunnies.

[Carmine iPad]

What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That doesn't occur in nature.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I'm sure somebody's gonna say I'm wrong about that. Now, Carmine, first of all, let's just get this out of the way.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. Scam.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are you scamming people? No.

[Nicole Parker]

Well.

[Carmine iPad]

And I resent it. I'm providing a service, which is the service, because goods for services tend. I take your cash. I give you art slash magnets.

[Nicole Parker]

Right. Okay, but can I ask why you're doing. Now, listen, I'm kind of I'm that. I am that gal that doesn't like going through that bottom floor of the department store and they're going to spray that. You know, they want to spray that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I do not know what you meant.

[Carmine iPad]

For perfume.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, I. I don't really think they do it anymore, but they still. I.

[Carmine iPad]

It's in the sal.

[Nicole Parker]

They still have. It is.

[Carmine iPad]

And the salt.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, so then it's interesting you say that because I would think that glitter being sprayed directly in my face would also be an assault on the face.

[Carmine iPad]

Who doesn't love glitter? I understand not liking perfume.

[Nicole Parker]

That's a different question. I like glitter. I like glitter. I don't want it aerosol directly on my face without my consent. Does that make sense?

[Carmine iPad]

It does, but I'm just trying to bring this town a little razzle dazzle.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, Understood.

[Carmine iPad]

You gotta stand out in this crowded marketplace of art slash magnets.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Understood. It's very crowded.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, is that a crowded. Is it crowded?

[Carmine iPad]

Yeah, there's someone one town over, I think, doing something. I haven't done any research, but feels true.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now when you say. Usually when I think of glitter, I think of it being thrown.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

As opposed to.

[Carmine iPad]

I have an air pressure that might hurt.

[Nicole Parker]

That could get in people's eyes, sinuses.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How fast is the glitter traveling?

[Carmine iPad]

Oh, I think I've clocked it at like 95 miles an hour.

[Nicole Parker]

That is. That is way too fast.

[Carmine iPad]

Sometimes they're across the street and I got to get their attention.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, my.

[Carmine iPad]

I see someone going into the urgent care. Like, wait, wait. Hey.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, no.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Don't care.

[Carmine iPad]

Well, it's a high traffic area. I gotta, like, cruise. How do you think I afford the rent on my houseboat?

[Nicole Parker]

Can we clear up the.

[Carmine iPad]

What do you need to clear.

[Nicole Parker]

Can we clear up the avenue of it all?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, yes. Which avenue is this?

[Carmine iPad]

Which avenue am I not on? Oh, you know. You know how fast I'm zip zapping everywhere on this? My hoverboard slash scooter. Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

What did you make this out of? Because I can't quite tell. It does look like it's. It doesn't actually hover.

[Carmine iPad]

It's a Roomba garden hose and a broom handle. And then I souped it up a little. I spilled some soup on it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. That's why it's shiny.

[Carmine iPad]

That's why I get some color. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So why, when people accuse you of overcharging the card, what. What do you think they're referring? Are you overcharging people?

[Nicole Parker]

And can I just ask really quickly since you're out on the street, are you just using one of those little, like, you know, sort of devices? I don't know. That's called where you can have that small. No. Well, you can't, I guess.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, there's like a little square.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, the little.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think it's called a square.

[Nicole Parker]

It is a square. Is that what you're using?

[Carmine iPad]

I'm purely QR based. You gotta be QR based these days. If you aren't qr'in, you're doing it wrong.

[Nicole Parker]

If you aren't QR'ing, you're doing it wrong. Okay. Yeah.

[Carmine iPad]

So I don't think I'm over. There are service fees.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I see. For what Are those services?

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Carmine iPad]

Well, I have to travel.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right.

[Carmine iPad]

And the creation of the art.

[Nicole Parker]

You mean just traveling back to your home to make it?

[Carmine iPad]

Yeah, I have to go get it. It.

[Nicole Parker]

So, wait, you don't carry the merchandise on you?

[Carmine iPad]

No, I gotta carry my glitter, air pressure, backpack, and then balance. I also have vertigo, so it's very hard to say on this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How do you.

[Nicole Parker]

That sounds like a lot.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If you don't have the. The. The merchandise with you.

[Nicole Parker]

Right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How do you convince people to buy it? I should wait for you to go back over.

[Carmine iPad]

I'm very good at descriptors. Like, I tell them. Hey, how would you feel about a lenticular postcard with Frida Kahlo wiggling her eyebrows? Eyebrows.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. I don't know what lenticular means.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, lenticular.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, is that wonderful? Oh, I never knew it had that name. Yeah, it's like, I love lenticular.

[Carmine iPad]

It's like art coming alive.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. Yes. Okay.

[Carmine iPad]

I'm big into lenticular. I started out, I was into Magic Eye. That was what got me.

[Nicole Parker]

It never worked for me. I could never do it. No matter how many people are like, just relax your eyes. It's like I just see a bunch of colors.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I would see the same thing every single time. It was. It was the devil on a boat. Sure.

[Nicole Parker]

That's dark.

[Carmine iPad]

Dark.

[Doug Jones]

Yeah.

[Carmine iPad]

But I thought that was smiling.

[Nicole Parker]

He was smiling. Okay.

[Carmine iPad]

Yeah. Who doesn't love being on a boat?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's fun to be on a boat.

[Carmine iPad]

Boat life.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Boat life. Hashtag.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, life.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Relax, you're at the lake.

[Carmine iPad]

Yeah. Then I got into fractals. In the 90s, I was heavily into fractal because it's just like. What does it mean, a fractal? What's that about?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I've never known.

[Carmine iPad]

I don't know. But isn't that fascinating? Isn't that. Don't you want to look at art and go, I don't know.

[Nicole Parker]

I mean, I maybe want to look at art. I don't know if I want to pay for it, and then say, I don't know. Know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I don't know if that's the experience I'm going for. I don't know. Okay, well, I have a feeling, I guess, is what I want for art.

[Nicole Parker]

My question is, if you have a QR code, then why is that that doesn't deliver them to a website where they can see at least pictures of your items?

[Carmine iPad]

No, no, no. That's straight to my checking account. And then obviously, don't worry, I have a bot, a program when you download it, that installs an algorithm into your computer that transfers your whatever funds I need.

[Nicole Parker]

Wait, so that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That does sound like a scam.

[Nicole Parker]

Definitely sounds like a scam.

[Carmine iPad]

I tell them something's gonna happen.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, are those the words you use?

[Carmine iPad]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Something's going to happen.

[Carmine iPad]

Well, there has to be. There's an air of mystery, like I'm providing razzle dazzle.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Carmine iPad]

Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

I mean, I think we should maybe break down. Let's unpack razzle dazzle a little bit.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Because I feel like it's not the same. Mystery and razzle dazzle are not the same thing.

[Nicole Parker]

Right? What. What does razzle dazzle mean to you? Is this a movement? Is this symbolic? Or is this, like a literal.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is connected to Chicago.

[Nicole Parker]

Is it connected to the.

[Carmine iPad]

The musical, which I was disappointed in. Nothing about pizza.

[Nicole Parker]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Not even a mention. I've never mentioned.

[Carmine iPad]

Where's the bean?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's kind of. Boy, that's a missed opportunity.

[Nicole Parker]

The bean came years after that show was written.

[Carmine iPad]

Well, be right updated for the modern age.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But wouldn't it be a fun Easter egg if they put the word bean in there somewhere?

[Carmine iPad]

An Easter bean, and then look at.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The audience, you know?

[Carmine iPad]

You get it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Carmine iPad]

It's a good night.

[Nicole Parker]

Just wait for the latest housewife playing Roxy to look out to the crowd.

[Carmine iPad]

Teresa Goudice is the be Chicago.

[Nicole Parker]

People will come. People will come.

[Carmine iPad]

People will come. Can't keep them out of the theater.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Isn't that musical set some kind of record for having the most absurd guest cast? Yeah, good for them.

[Carmine iPad]

Good for them.

[Nicole Parker]

But I feel Iola's gonna be on.

[Carmine iPad]

It if they can get her.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, you know Iola. You know Mama's family.

[Carmine iPad]

She's. Yes, she's very important to my life. A mama's tattoo.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, you do? Babe, did you hear that? You can hear my husband Doug. But you can't see him. He's in a different room. But did you hear that?

[Doug Jones]

Hey, hey.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Doug Jones]

I can't see your tattoo.

[Nicole Parker]

Doug has never said that as a thing in his entire life.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Brand new.

[Nicole Parker]

I have never heard. Hey, hey. Come out of his mouth.

[Doug Jones]

Always trying something new.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He was one hay away from a Dwayne.

[Doug Jones]

Not much has worked so far. Might as well keep.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What are you talking about?

[Carmine iPad]

Oh, what? During the sitcom.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, this feels like.

[Nicole Parker]

Sounded like an attempted Chewbacca.

[Doug Jones]

Can we just get a clean take of all of us doing that?

[Nicole Parker]

You want us to do that in.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The middle of an interview?

[Doug Jones]

The audience kind of sympathizes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Would you mind?

[Carmine iPad]

I could do it. I'll try a Chewbacca.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you. Should we all do that? Okay.

[Carmine iPad]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Three, two, one. Perfect. Moving on now. Carmine, you're.

[Carmine iPad]

You're nap time on Kashak. What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What?

[Carmine iPad]

The Planet of the Wookies might be Kashyyyk. Actually. Don't come at me.

[Nicole Parker]

Don't add. Don't add. Carmine. IPad, everybody, please.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Planet of the Wookies.

[Nicole Parker]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Carmen, I have to say this, okay? You're. You're a. You're a very fast talker.

[Nicole Parker]

Definitely.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I feel like there's so many things we need to address.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That you're slipping past us.

[Nicole Parker]

He is. That's exactly right. He's zigzagging.

[Carmine iPad]

I feel like a Thomas Kincaid meets Criss Angel. So, like an air of mystery, you know? You know, it's like a. It's an experience.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, so Thomas Kincaid. The pictures, of course, of the painting of.

[Carmine iPad]

That's my art magazine.

[Nicole Parker]

Oswald's cottage. A warm fire.

[Carmine iPad]

Mickey and Minnie.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Just a Christmas card with no Christmas tre.

[Nicole Parker]

Mostly for white women of a certain age. And. And how does the. How does the other part fit in?

[Carmine iPad]

Magic.

[Nicole Parker]

Right. But.

[Carmine iPad]

A sense of mystery, of wonder.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're not.

[Carmine iPad]

You don't really know what's happening.

[Nicole Parker]

The house turns into something else.

[Carmine iPad]

Yeah. You know, like, everybody likes immersive things now. Well, when you meet me, it's an immersive experience.

[Nicole Parker]

Something's gonna happen. You in my house right now is an immersive experience.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, you are immersive.

[Nicole Parker]

He's been scooting slash hovering around the kitchen island over and over and over again. Sat still.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yet I have to say, that thing is whisper silent.

[Carmine iPad]

Thank you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Kudos to you.

[Carmine iPad]

Thank you. So do you have a Kudos? I would love a Kudos.

[Nicole Parker]

I was like.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you remember?

[Nicole Parker]

Kudos.

[Carmine iPad]

I love kudos.

[Nicole Parker]

I loved Kudos. It was the best chocolate bar ever.

[Carmine iPad]

And it was healthy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It was healthy. So healthy it was unhealthy not to eat it.

[Carmine iPad]

Yeah, you're a fool not to.

[Nicole Parker]

You gave yourself kudos for eating it.

[Carmine iPad]

Yeah, look at me go. Eating.

[Doug Jones]

I thought the surgeon general said it was like smoking a pack of cigarettes Eventually.

[Carmine iPad]

What does he know? Or she.

[Nicole Parker]

Thank you. Thank you, Carmine.

[Carmine iPad]

Does she know?

[Nicole Parker]

Well enough about skeletons.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What do they know?

[Carmine iPad]

Thank you.

[Nicole Parker]

A lot about skeletons.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We don't know the surgeon general's pronouns.

[Carmine iPad]

That's on me.

[Nicole Parker]

See, you are right, Bert. Because you know what? We're having a good time now. And I think this is a criminal.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think so, too. Yeah, I hope that's fair to say.

[Carmine iPad]

What's the crime?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, you. You're. You're structuring your business so that you have unlimited access to people's money.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, and also downloading something on their phone without their consent. Right. I mean, that's what he said. Right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think that's what I was saying.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, well, I just said it.

[Carmine iPad]

It's small prints on my clavicle.

[Nicole Parker]

There's a what?

[Carmine iPad]

It's on small print on my clavicle. You might get scammed.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, now, how do you. Wait a minute.

[Nicole Parker]

Can you show us that?

[Carmine iPad]

Sure.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, wow. It actually says that. Was that. Did you scrawl that into your skin?

[Carmine iPad]

I did. It was a rough night.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right.

[Carmine iPad]

I had just not won a Tony.

[Nicole Parker]

How'd you do? Wait, what?

[Carmine iPad]

I was at speed dating. Not a night of a thousand Tonys.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, and so you weren't nominated for a Tony Award.

[Doug Jones]

That's where only Tonys date.

[Nicole Parker]

Only Tony.

[Carmine iPad]

If you want to meet a Tony, you go to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They round up all the Tony.

[Nicole Parker]

You get a date with them. It's called winning a Tony.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

That's cute.

[Carmine iPad]

Yeah. And I didn't. Snubbed again.

[Nicole Parker]

Snubbed again. Well, it's all political, you know, political.

[Carmine iPad]

Until, you know. Until, you know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It helps to know a Tony.

[Carmine iPad]

I don't know a single one.

[Nicole Parker]

Right. That's such an odd event.

[Carmine iPad]

Do you guys like art that features, like, in a diner?

[Nicole Parker]

Distract us.

[Carmine iPad]

Listen to this.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Carmine iPad]

Humphrey Bogart, Marilyn Monroe, Kevin Spacey. And the original perform of Elmo, Kevin Clash.

[Nicole Parker]

Kevin Clash.

[Carmine iPad]

Because they're all gone. But their talents are still appreciated.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They're not.

[Nicole Parker]

I mean, they're not all gone. I mean, they're gone in a sense. In essence, yes.

[Carmine iPad]

That doesn't mean we can't remember. Yeah, we can remember. Kaiser sos. Kaiser Sobe.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Kaiser Sosley is the. The Dignity Falls immersive experience where you go and you. You have to create your own character out of a bunch of stuff that's on the walls.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, that's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Props that are in there. And if you can't, you don.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, it is. Yes, it's great. And also, not to be confused with Dignity Falls is one of their greatest. Our greatest drag queens. Kaiser so slay.

[Carmine iPad]

Yeah, you love her.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She's fantastic.

[Nicole Parker]

Shout out to her. So I'm sorry. See, he's got me all turned around. Now I'm thinking about the night of the Tonys. Still, I'm thinking about. He never even answered my question about razzle dazzle. Like, what does it mean to you?

[Carmine iPad]

Magic and a bit of mystery. That's about it.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, he did answer that question, I guess.

[Carmine iPad]

And I want to pitch to you guys. Have you ever done run the Dignity Follies?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, you mean for me to do that.

[Carmine iPad]

Let's do a show.

[Nicole Parker]

That is a very. What's happening? I'm angry because that's very clever. And Matt, I haven't thought of that.

[Carmine iPad]

I'm willing to open it.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, well, what does that mean?

[Carmine iPad]

Like in the Circle of Life, Lion King coming down the aisle, spraying glitter at the audience.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, no.

[Carmine iPad]

While Circle of Life is playing. I can't sing, though.

[Nicole Parker]

Wait. First of all, we can't use Circle of Life because you normally have to Circle of wife.

[Carmine iPad]

Then, I don't know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Circle of.

[Carmine iPad]

Got to do it all myself.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, my gosh. I really want you to stop spraying glitter in people's faces. I see.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, my God.

[Nicole Parker]

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right? Your eye.

[Carmine iPad]

It's like a grit. Like, you know, like you exfoliate your skin with grit.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, I.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This feels like America's family newspaper.

[Carmine iPad]

It works great.

[Nicole Parker]

I feel like someone just threw sand in my eyes. This is terrible.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Glitter. Here's the thing.

[Nicole Parker]

I have to go rinse it out.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

As I'm sure you well know, glitter is impossible to get rid of.

[Nicole Parker]

Correct.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I could not think of a thing like love. Well, I would say love is easier to get rid of than glitter.

[Nicole Parker]

I agree. Oh, I'm sorry.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Perfume you can wash off, but glitter, you'll find it in your home, years later.

[Nicole Parker]

Glitter is too aggressive.

[Carmine iPad]

But then you'll remember the interaction you had with me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Carmen, you don't want to remember it.

[Nicole Parker]

Can you?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can you?

[Nicole Parker]

Well, he's got an answer for everything. I honestly want to live one day as Carmine. Sometimes I think about this. People like this. It must be amazing. But please tell me, how many People. Do you spray? On average, you're just out there for the day on an avenue.

[Carmine iPad]

How many people.

[Nicole Parker]

Did you get that, Doug? You could probably use that for some sort of effect.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Has an audience ever done that sitcom?

[Nicole Parker]

Just. Just all of them at once going.

[Carmine iPad]

On that Our Town episode of Family Ties, I think. Who wants this? Who wants this?

[Nicole Parker]

Nobody wanted that one, by the way, babies. Courtney Cox died. No, that was because Tracy Poll and died. Died?

[Carmine iPad]

Yeah. No, was it. I thought it was a cousin.

[Nicole Parker]

The person who, you know, his real life wife, she played his girlfriend, but then she died, I think.

[Carmine iPad]

Dang.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, no. It was someone else who died. Is that what you're saying?

[Carmine iPad]

I think it was like a cousin, a character we had never seen before died. And now we gotta watch Our Town. What have I done to deserve this? Pet Shop Boys.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, please, please answer My question.

[Carmine iPad]

Oh, 242.

[Nicole Parker]

Wait, what?

[Carmine iPad]

I have a little clicker.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's the average.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, but can we keep it wa. Follow up question. Out of 242 people, for example, how many people actually continue to talk to you? And then how many people actually bought anything from you?

[Carmine iPad]

Most of them continue to talk, like they say, like, hey, stop that.

[Nicole Parker]

Right, but that's not an interaction we're talking about.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like a conversation.

[Carmine iPad]

Yeah, that's a conversation. Oh, I don't know, probably lifetime. Oh, four.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, no.

[Carmine iPad]

But hey, those are good. You got to work the system. You know what I mean? Mark Cuban wasn't a success overnight.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, well, right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How long have you. How long is you been doing this?

[Carmine iPad]

Oh, 27 years.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh my.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And four people. You've had a four. A meaningful conversation.

[Nicole Parker]

I have to tell you, Carmine, that's not a business. That's not sustainable. That's not any kind of. Okay, that, that. Fair enough, fair enough.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Always turns it around.

[Carmine iPad]

You're going to tell a parakeet not to tweet? Not everyone hears your tweeting, parakeet. Well, that's. Thanks for the support. That's what I'm designed to do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know if that's a one to one analogy, Carmine. I gotta ask about the magnets. I guess.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are they the same as the art or are they different?

[Carmine iPad]

Yes. That's not what art. Magnets.

[Nicole Parker]

Are they glittery?

[Carmine iPad]

I can make anything magnetized. I can spray you with glitter magnets. I have another tank.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, don't.

[Nicole Parker]

Another tank.

[Carmine iPad]

Yeah, it does knock people over.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

When I spray him, he does have two tanks on his back. Like a Ghostbuster.

[Carmine iPad]

Yes, Ghostbusters. Too naturally. Oh, the bigger tanks, they were spraying ooze. They reacted to emotion.

[Nicole Parker]

He's really full of a lot of chilling.

[Carmine iPad]

Chilling. Scariest movie I've ever seen. Ghostbusters too.

[Nicole Parker]

That one.

[Carmine iPad]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Really?

[Carmine iPad]

The painting. The painting guy coming out.

[Nicole Parker]

Huh?

[Carmine iPad]

Get out of here.

[Nicole Parker]

Why am I doing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What's his name again?

[Carmine iPad]

Zog. Zug. No, Zool.

[Nicole Parker]

No, no, the first one. Michael. So Michael York. Oh, my God. It was played by Michael York. No, no, no. Who was it played by?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Some guy.

[Carmine iPad]

European dude.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, he books Michael York. Would have been a great casting for that.

[Nicole Parker]

I guess he would have. I guess he looked a lot like him. All right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, I can see that resemblance for sure.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. Okay, so again, while we have really look at how. Look at how he does this. So I just want to know, you make the magnets and what is on the magnets? If I bought one magnet, I put it on my refrigerator. What am I looking. Looking at?

[Carmine iPad]

Oh, you might see, like, big birds surfing. Or maybe Blue Boy. But like, it's. I have a lenticular Blue Boy.

[Nicole Parker]

Blue Boy.

[Carmine iPad]

But he's throwing up because I'm saying the blw. And then I was like, what did vago, like, reacting to? It's like, oh, where'd my ear go?

[Nicole Parker]

These are. The magnet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is there like a speech bubble or just so.

[Carmine iPad]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sold in the face at both.

[Carmine iPad]

It's like whenever. So then when you have your. Your freezer door to get popsicles.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Carmine iPad]

You get a little touch of a whimsical take on some classic arts.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right. As long as you keep one eye on the magnet as you open the door.

[Carmine iPad]

It's easier when you're on a scooter slash hoverboard.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I'm sure most things are.

[Carmine iPad]

All my art is designed for people who spend most of their time predominantly.

[Nicole Parker]

On a very specific substance.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So the magnets, I would imagine, are fridge magnet sized. How big is the art?

[Carmine iPad]

Yeah, I could do whatever you want. I have a 3D printer in my house.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Boat.

[Carmine iPad]

I am.

[Nicole Parker]

Do you have. Have you ever had any other means of income or employment?

[Carmine iPad]

I shoplift.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. I.

[Carmine iPad]

But from nice stores.

[Nicole Parker]

But. But what is that?

[Carmine iPad]

I'm not going to miss it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You said that as if it were a mitigating factor, but it actually makes it sound worse.

[Nicole Parker]

Worse because why?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What do you mean nice?

[Nicole Parker]

Taking advantage of people.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Oh, okay.

[Nicole Parker]

He explained expensive.

[Carmine iPad]

You think Bloomingdale's gonna be mad I take some Armani couture top?

[Nicole Parker]

Of course they will.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They will. Yeah.

[Carmine iPad]

But no one personally is there a Mr. Bloomingdale crying himself to sleep.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Not anymore.

[Nicole Parker]

Probably got an answer for everything.

[Carmine iPad]

Maybe his relatives.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm concerned.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Still arguing against yourself?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, boy. I'm concerned that. Do you truly believe shoplifting to mean an answer to my question? That was about employment or income. Do you really mean that? You think that's a job?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I really mean that I do.

[Carmine iPad]

Miss, Like Les Miserable. He stole Brad. It. And that's a huge show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, he's still.

[Nicole Parker]

And that's a huge show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He stole bread to feed his family. Did he not?

[Carmine iPad]

Is not. Am I not a family?

[Nicole Parker]

He's.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, Just. Are you shoplifting food? What are you shoplifting from Bloomingdale's? You said an armonic top.

[Nicole Parker]

And who's that for?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's not quite the same.

[Carmine iPad]

But then I sell them.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's nice.

[Carmine iPad]

To fashion victims in need.

[Nicole Parker]

Now, look, fashion victims in need.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I will admit. Admit that your style of discourse is. It almost gets me every time. Because you say it as if. Well, of course.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's your. You have an intonation of. Well, of course. But some of these things you're saying are wrong.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Carmine iPad]

What's your opinion?

[Nicole Parker]

It's so. It's the fastest gaslighting I've ever experienced.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It really is.

[Nicole Parker]

It really is. And I. And I don't. And it got me all turned upside down, and I. And I just. I want to know if you have lived in Dignity Falls your whole life. I have. Okay. I thought we were not going to get any. I'm just a silent nod.

[Carmine iPad]

There was a week I went to Arizona.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Carmine iPad]

Because my aunt, she wasn't feeling well.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I'm so sorry.

[Nicole Parker]

Sorry to hear.

[Carmine iPad]

I don't like her.

[Nicole Parker]

Boy, oh, boy. Every turn.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

At every turn, no matter what, we respond, we're wrong.

[Nicole Parker]

We are wrong.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He turns it around.

[Nicole Parker]

That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, boy. Now, let's get into this houseboat because Dignity Falls is landlocked, so.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Where is this houseboat? Why are you living on a houseboat?

[Carmine iPad]

It's in a parking lot, if you must know.

[Nicole Parker]

So it's not a trailer boat at this point. It's just a trailer. Yeah, it's on a trailer.

[Carmine iPad]

Yeah. But it's like, you know, I have. You know, I put up LED screens that look like a lake.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Carmine iPad]

Lake Shasta.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, I'm familiar with Lake Shasta. Wow. How do you know Lake Shasta? That's a. That's a. That's a lake in upper, like, Northern California, almost near Oregon.

[Carmine iPad]

That's where we buried my Aunt in the lake.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, I guess it wasn't a buried so much Arizona. And then you took her from Arizona to Lake Shasta.

[Carmine iPad]

She loves Shasta Cola. Oh, okay, so she died as she lived in Shasta.

[Nicole Parker]

I don't think they do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They should.

[Carmine iPad]

Bring it back. Hashtag bring it back.

[Nicole Parker]

I also feel like Carmine's really stuck in the 80s, early 90s, like, as if he's from the past.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is that. Do you feel like that's where you thrived?

[Carmine iPad]

You know, like, Reagan, tear down that wall.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, you know, that's right.

[Carmine iPad]

Break these chains of love.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right.

[Carmine iPad]

That's what he should have added.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. What have I done to deserve this?

[Carmine iPad]

Featuring Dusty Springfield. I love the 80s. No one minded glitter in the 80s. These. Well, and art was huge. You could go to a store and buy art. I mean, remember Prince plus in the mall?

[Nicole Parker]

No.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Prince Plus.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, I had the same thing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Was he a rapper?

[Carmine iPad]

The purple one.

[Doug Jones]

Princess subscription plan.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What?

[Doug Jones]

What is that? Princess subscription plan.

[Carmine iPad]

Prince Plus.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, that was just when Prince had a streaming platform.

[Nicole Parker]

When he put out a feature.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He was ahead of his time. Truly. He had that weird sitcom where he played all the parts. He was ahead of the clumps.

[Carmine iPad]

Pre clump.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He was pre clump.

[Carmine iPad]

Proto clump.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The proto clump, if you will.

[Nicole Parker]

A. Claude. My head is spinning. Sure. Okay, so you're. You're. You're. That was when you thrived. And. And did you have other family here like you. Were you. What was your family life like?

[Carmine iPad]

Oh, I was raised in an orphanage.

[Nicole Parker]

You know, just a typical story.

[Carmine iPad]

Ye. I was lived with a billionaire. He adopted me when I was seven.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Really?

[Nicole Parker]

Come on now. Come on now.

[Doug Jones]

Through 10.

[Nicole Parker]

I mean, am I meant to believe this? This is the storyline of Annie. Come on now.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What?

[Nicole Parker]

Someone who knows Chicago as well as you do and Mama's family and all the other things. You know.

[Carmine iPad]

Rob.

[Nicole Parker]

Life is a Rob.

[Carmine iPad]

What do you call it?

[Nicole Parker]

I either call it Les Mis or Les Miserable.

[Carmine iPad]

Oh, that's like a regional thing.

[Nicole Parker]

I guess so. It's. I think it's a me thing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Joan also loves to say Ma.

[Nicole Parker]

I really do.

[Carmine iPad]

How about Gr.

[Nicole Parker]

That's a. That's a real mouthful.

[Carmine iPad]

Yeah.

[Doug Jones]

She also says Bl. Cheese.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, now, I didn't want that getting out. And that was not something you're ever supposed to share with people.

[Carmine iPad]

And I'm.

[Nicole Parker]

Now, I thought.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I thought you were for new bar.

[Nicole Parker]

Now I'm embarrassed. Exactly.

[Carmine iPad]

Bl. Bl.

[Nicole Parker]

Cheese.

[Carmine iPad]

He was a billionaire. If you move the decimal Point. It was like a transfer. Money transfer. What do they call money exchange?

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, in that case, he sounds like another scammer.

[Carmine iPad]

I think we're all.

[Nicole Parker]

You were raised by a scammer?

[Carmine iPad]

Well, that's what the government said, but I just called him Daddy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, dear.

[Carmine iPad]

And then he went to prison. And then I just went on my own. Yeah, I'm plucky. Well, you remember Journey and Nanny Gan based on me, kind of.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I guess.

[Nicole Parker]

Journey of Nanny G. She wore a hat. She's going to talk about this mountain.

[Carmine iPad]

Which mountain are you talking about?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Escape from it.

[Nicole Parker]

The escape.

[Carmine iPad]

Oh, that one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That, that young actress with the, the prominent eyebrows.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, I remember her.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I can't, can't remember her name, but I thought she. I.

[Nicole Parker]

This is the most pop culture crush.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

On her when I was a kid.

[Nicole Parker]

Most pop culture heavy episode.

[Carmine iPad]

Didn't she marry Pat in Oswald? Is that his wife?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's Natty Gan you're thinking of.

[Carmine iPad]

Oh, who are you talking.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I was talking about the girl from Escape from Witch Mountain.

[Carmine iPad]

Never seen it.

[Nicole Parker]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They escaped and they returned.

[Carmine iPad]

Once you're out, who's going back into the second time?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's like sequel to the Shaw Shank Redemption.

[Carmine iPad]

Falls back in Jaws too.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why?

[Nicole Parker]

Same mayor who let that happen.

[Carmine iPad]

Go to Montana, you idiot.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you think when they came up with Jaws too, they were. Was a guy saying, hey, there's more than one shark in the ocean. Why can't we do this again?

[Carmine iPad]

They can't all be exploded.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This one we can electrocute.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, now I feel as if the three of us have a podcast together. The way that you have just insinuated yourself into this group and we're talking about pop culture way into this podcast.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now, let, let me ask you this, because we do. I, I, I, I just, I, I'm exhausted today.

[Nicole Parker]

We could have been talking 20 minutes or two hours. I don't know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're, we're just about of time. But I just have to ask. Has anyone ever taken any legal action against you?

[Nicole Parker]

Good question, Bert.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you, Joan.

[Carmine iPad]

They have. I have a lot of restraining orders.

[Nicole Parker]

Restraining orders?

[Carmine iPad]

But these people. Are, are they doctors? Yes, some of them.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I would imagine that most people have a restraining order against them would identify the person taking out the restraining order as an ass.

[Carmine iPad]

Thank you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't think anyone with a straining or says no, it's fair.

[Nicole Parker]

I don't think.

[Doug Jones]

Can your glitter shoot past the restraining.

[Carmine iPad]

Order And Fen, I am working on a legal question.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know what? I don't think I've Ever said this before? Great question, Doug.

[Carmine iPad]

I'm working on a. A glitter catapult. No, that's a lot.

[Nicole Parker]

A glitter pult.

[Carmine iPad]

A glitter pult.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A lot of glitter.

[Carmine iPad]

Glitter p. A trebuchet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Carmine iPad]

Pinochet would love a trebuchet.

[Doug Jones]

Pinochet would love a trebuchet.

[Carmine iPad]

Kids love seeing glitter hit families in the park.

[Nicole Parker]

I don't think that's a thing. This is. That would be such a large scale.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like a big ball of glitter.

[Carmine iPad]

It's pretty hard and clumpy. Yeah. Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, my God.

[Carmine iPad]

I have wrecked a Tesla or two. But it's for all the service of glitter, right?

[Nicole Parker]

No, but you know what? Now we're getting into a sort of scary area that could actually hurt somebody. Carmine, that could hurt somebody.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It could.

[Carmine iPad]

Welcome to being alive.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, well, now, I don't think. You know, we. We can't let you. We explain that one.

[Carmine iPad]

There's no such thing as safe sex.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, well, now we're even talking.

[Doug Jones]

We're not going very 80s.

[Nicole Parker]

No, we're not.

[Carmine iPad]

Thank you. Wrap it up, fellas.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, car, we should. Wrap it up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We should. Carmine, in an effort to perhaps curb your. Your. Your IRL activities, do you have a website where if people want to go check out your art and magnets?

[Carmine iPad]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. All right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I mean, maybe if online business takes off, maybe he'll stay.

[Nicole Parker]

Stop spraying people with glitter. I get it. I understand your thinking, Bert.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Fair.

[Nicole Parker]

I don't think it's going to work, but I understand your thinking.

[Carmine iPad]

I would love passive income.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure.

[Nicole Parker]

Who would? Who wouldn't?

[Carmine iPad]

Right now? I have aggressive income.

[Nicole Parker]

Sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We all do.

[Nicole Parker]

As Sal, I would also say that income's doing a lot of heavy lifting there because it doesn't sound like you have any income whatsoever.

[Carmine iPad]

Well, it comes and goes.

[Nicole Parker]

What does that mean? What does that mean?

[Carmine iPad]

People put up firewalls. But yeah, I do have a website. Just go to HTTPs geocities.com angelfire.com 1738-62478 Q, R, S, T, S/Carmen iPad.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, I didn't hear a WWW in there.

[Carmine iPad]

Oh, no.

[Nicole Parker]

Everyone knows where that goes. Everyone knows.

[Carmine iPad]

I get no hits.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

You don't have to go back.

[Carmine iPad]

I'm waiting for a hit. Be my first hit.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, so your. Your website is not actually on the world wide web.

[Carmine iPad]

That's on awe. I mean, I don't need to go much further than Dignity Falls. You know, it's all I do personal service.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's true.

[Carmine iPad]

Artisanal, handcrafted.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right. So, local website.

[Carmine iPad]

I don't need anybody in Canada reading this. Mind your business. Worry about your life.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So just the one w. Yeah, absolutely.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. Carmine, I. I don't know what to say. I mean, it's actually been fun, but I'm also, like, deeply concerned. Concerned about you and the general public. Really.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, you are a true character of Dignity Falls.

[Nicole Parker]

You really are. I guess that it's. See, if I knew he would take that as a compliment.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't think we met anyone like him before.

[Nicole Parker]

No one. Not, Not a single person. There I am doing that sound again.

[Carmine iPad]

Absolutely.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, Carmine, thank you very much. Is. Is there anything you'd like to say to the people that you. That are upset? Yeah, that you like this poster. Who, who said you spray them with glitter and you weren't happy, but they weren't happy about it. Is there anything like.

[Carmine iPad]

Yeah, I know what I like to say. This post poster. Thanks for calling out that. It's a wig. Oh, there goes my dignity. Wow, that's pretty rude, I think.

[Nicole Parker]

I am sorry about that.

[Carmine iPad]

You shouldn't be commenting on people's bodies. I don't think I agree.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I agree.

[Nicole Parker]

That is true. Point well taken.

[Carmine iPad]

That's my biggest. That's my beef of the week, if.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I can balance it out. You look dynamite in that bikini top.

[Carmine iPad]

Thank you. What better way to show off my qr. My tattoos.

[Doug Jones]

By the way, babe, you should scan that QR code.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, you shouldn't.

[Nicole Parker]

I am not doing that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why would you say that, Doug?

[Nicole Parker]

We're not doing that.

[Doug Jones]

You did get a glitter. You got.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, you know what?

[Carmine iPad]

You had the glitter experience.

[Doug Jones]

The service.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, Doug, I don't think it's fairy tale words. If you get sprayed with the glitter, then you have to do what he says.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. I don't want. I don't need that, Carmine. Thank you, but I don't need that. No disrespect. I just, I, I, I want to just. I hope my eye works tomorrow. Understand that. And as we always say, we wish you, well, the best of luck, Carmine. You know, just, please be careful, okay?

[Carmine iPad]

Please be careful.

[Nicole Parker]

Don't do the trebuchet catapult. Don't do the crossbow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Crossbow.

[Carmine iPad]

Battering round sounds worse.

[Nicole Parker]

Why is there a violent under. There's a violent underpinning to everything he said.

[Carmine iPad]

I just went to medieval times and learned a lot.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right, well, we will be back when the neighbor. Listen. Return turds.

[Nicole Parker]

Hi, everybody. It's Lisa. Vintage avon aftershave van. 1980s vintage avon aftershave glass van decanter from 1980s, quote unquote. Fantastic. Full of avon Everest aftershave from 1980s. Did I mention it was from the 90s? 1980s. Black glass with decals, seven dollars. But guess what? It's not seven dollars anymore. It's free. Take this off my hands. Daytime. Pick up an orange by appointment between 9am to 3pm weekdays. I also have other Avon decanters for sale. And I don't think you're gonna find anyone else who has this unbelievable opportunity of one of those creepy vans with a strange palm tree sun set scenario on the side. And if you think vans like that were creepy, well, imagine one that's only 4 inches and is full of poisonous aftershave from the 1980s. Please come and take this off by hands.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And welcome back to the neighborhood. Listen. Well, Joan, I feel as if I've swum laps.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, I feel as if I had glitter thrown in my eye. And guess what? That's because I did. And I don't appreciate it. And yet. Yet I still kind of enjoyed myself.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. What a weird push and pull. That was such a weird push and pull. He. He charmed me. I guess there's no other way to say it. Like one of the worst people I've ever met.

[Nicole Parker]

Like truly. And yet you're just. They kind of like, if I was bored, I'd probably invite him over just to kind of cheer me up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Absolutely. Who did you rob tonight?

[Nicole Parker]

Make my party more interesting? He just doesn't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's what he should do.

[Nicole Parker]

I know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He should be a party entertainer.

[Nicole Parker]

100. 100%.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And the glitter should dissolve.

[Nicole Parker]

The glitter should all be thrown away.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There should be. Why they should make a dissolving glitter. Do they have that?

[Nicole Parker]

But that makes me worry. Dissolving, like on your. Like if it gets in your body, it's just going to dissolve. How does that work? I could get it dissolving in water. You mean it just wears off eventually?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Almost like it. Almost like a. A temporary tattoo?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I guess I just want it to go away.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh yeah. I mean, me too. Trust me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you think glitter. That was where science went too far.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Inventing glitter.

[Nicole Parker]

I just think inventions went too far. I think everyone went too far.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you know what? Instead of Oppenheimer, they should make a movie about the person who invented glitter and how conflicted they are. Yes, we were able to do this, but should we have. What if the Russians had invented the famous quote?

[Nicole Parker]

What's the famous quote? He says, you know, that he reads in a book I am now I become Death. Right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So Destroyer of Worlds.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. And. And honestly, I have called Glitter destroyer my world before.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Absolutely.

[Nicole Parker]

Jelly P was into it for so long.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, my God, she loved glitter.

[Nicole Parker]

All right, we have one other post. This post. Just. This just caught my eye. Okay. It's. It's from Susan Telfer. Radzat.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Susan who?

[Nicole Parker]

Susan Telfer. Hyphen Radzat. Say one more time, Susan Telfer. Telfer and hyphen Radzat.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Radzat.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. Isn't that incredible?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow.

[Nicole Parker]

I know. It's quite a name.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Speaking of the planet of the Wook.

[Nicole Parker]

She says, very good, babe.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What a contented cat sitting by the fire.

[Nicole Parker]

She says, hi, all the squirrels and slash. Or.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Which.

[Nicole Parker]

I've never seen that movie before. I have never seen.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She spells out slash.

[Nicole Parker]

She. No, no, no. But I. No, no. She doesn't spell out slash. Slash. Okay. And. And I guess I've never just. I guess I've never said and slash or out loud. That's what I guess sounded funny to me. I guess you just say and. Or. And I'm just realizing that I didn't need to do that, so.

[Doug Jones]

You made yourself laugh.

[Nicole Parker]

That's on me. I made myself laugh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You are the source of this.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm the source of this.

[Doug Jones]

Oh, sorry. I just opened the fridge and it was empty.

[Nicole Parker]

All right. Radzat says, I don't think he's sorry. The squirrels and or rats ate 70% of our pomegranates. 70%, okay. I am looking for more. We'll trade.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Squirrels or rats.

[Nicole Parker]

I think pomegranates. Because she says, we'll trade a big bag for a couple of jars of pomegranate jelly. Thanks. Now, first of all, I've had pomegranate jelly. It's not good.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I've never had. I didn't know it was a thing.

[Nicole Parker]

Pomegranates are very sour. I mean, like pomegranate seeds. Like, they can't. They can't. Can be. If you try to make them into a jelly, feel like you have to add. I mean, you always have to add a lot of sucrose and whatnot. I don't know how to make jelly. I never did it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who would. What is this Little House on the Prairie to me?

[Nicole Parker]

I don't. It's interesting that she. It seems like. Here's what I think. I think she. The step. The process of making pomegranates into pomegranate jelly. There's a lot of steps I Feel like she's just trying to get some jelly so she doesn't have to skip ahead and do all the work. I mean, so she can skip ahead and doesn't have to do all the work, does she? I'm saying no.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She wants. She's giving the jelly in exchange for the pomegranate. Pomegranates?

[Doug Jones]

I thought she offered a bag.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, that's what it is. Oh, she's offering a bag.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She's lost 70% of her pomegranates. She wants a big bag of them.

[Nicole Parker]

For a couple jars of jelly. Yeah. I just don't think it's okay then either way. I think it's not a fair trade. I don't think it's a fair trade because you might love pomegranates. You might not like pomegranate jelly.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No.

[Nicole Parker]

It's so specific.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It is my point, I guess, in the pomegranate community, perhaps if you are someone who has. I guess if you're also someone who has a pomegranate tree that has not been afflicted by rats and or squirrels, that you're probably making that jelly too, because what else are you going to do?

[Nicole Parker]

And I'm just. I'm surprised because I feel like I see pomegranate trees everywhere and they just make so many and then they just fall and then. So who's so obsessed with it that they know 70% is. 70% of them are missing? I just. I guess, I mean, I think there's too many pomegranate trees everywhere.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That. That's what I'm getting for what you're saying.

[Nicole Parker]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now here's what I'm going to tell you. And I don't know if it's going to blow your mind. I wouldn't know a pomegranate tree if I was sitting in it.

[Nicole Parker]

Are you? Well, I will tell you, they're nothing really pretty to look you. They aren't. I'm so sorry. And I'm surprised because we.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think it's okay to say that about a tree.

[Nicole Parker]

And I will say I don't think it's cruel. Only tree that we don't have a street named for.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's true.

[Nicole Parker]

We don't have a pomegranate street.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's true.

[Nicole Parker]

Maybe it's because they figured there were too many damn trees.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I got. Maybe they, they. They figured. Well, we got them all and they fl. You know what's funny is that we do have a President street and we have a tree Street.

[Carmine iPad]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I feel like they could have.

[Nicole Parker]

It's very confusing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Those were the first streets because it's our oldest streets.

[Nicole Parker]

It's a real. Who's on first? It's like you just take Tree Street. Which tree?

[Carmine iPad]

Tree Street.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Exactly.

[Nicole Parker]

Tree.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Trees. You know, and they intersect, which is not helping.

[Doug Jones]

I am on Instructables.com. how to make pomegranate jelly.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Doug Jones]

What did fall in all caps?

[Nicole Parker]

Fall.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, fall.

[Doug Jones]

Okay, then all lowercase.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's one of the first instruction.

[Doug Jones]

Fall, Halloween, cool weather in the second week of November.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thought it was like a stop, drop and rule.

[Doug Jones]

To me, this signals. Among other things, it's pomegranate jelly. Jelly time.

[Nicole Parker]

I've never even had pomegranate jelly.

[Doug Jones]

Do you want to know the supplies you need?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You've never had it, but you're very against it. I don't. I assume you had it and didn't care for it. This. You've been slandering it up and down.

[Nicole Parker]

You're right.

[Doug Jones]

Supplies needed.

[Carmine iPad]

1.

[Doug Jones]

Canning jars for jelly with new lids. Sugar.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can't reuse my old lids. Great.

[Doug Jones]

No pectin.

[Nicole Parker]

Pectin. That's the word.

[Doug Jones]

Large pan to cook jelly in.

[Nicole Parker]

So much work.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I didn't realize cooking was part of jelly making.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, it is. You basically have to simmer it on a stove. Like it. Basically. You boil it, practically.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who would ever do this?

[Nicole Parker]

It is so much work. This is what I'm saying.

[Doug Jones]

One lemon for a little juice.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure.

[Doug Jones]

Pomegranate juice.

[Carmine iPad]

Wait, wait.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

One lemon for a little juice. And then also pomegranate juice.

[Nicole Parker]

Add pomegranate juice to the pomegranate of jelly.

[Doug Jones]

Oh, yeah. I think that's probably the main ingredient.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why do you add lemon?

[Nicole Parker]

That's probably why it tastes so bad. Again, I'm.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You've never had it. Joan, this is.

[Nicole Parker]

Honestly, I can't remember if I've had it or I haven't had it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That it couldn't have been that memorable.

[Nicole Parker]

Now happening Carmine is. He scrambled my braid.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He. Maybe some of that glitter got in there too.

[Nicole Parker]

Abs. 100%.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, some glitter got to your brain.

[Nicole Parker]

Scrambled my brain with glitter. And I don't know what Thomas Dolby song.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Scrambled my brain with glitter.

[Doug Jones]

Scrambled my brain.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The 80s.

[Nicole Parker]

The 80s. Well, anyways, I'm sorry. Rat. Zat was that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Was that when the audience sees a ghost?

[Doug Jones]

I think I just found Bubba's joint. This must be a serious episode.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, no. Did they do one of those on Mama's Family? Boy, oh, boy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's you said you think you must have found Bubba's joint. Meaning that was instructables had you build a fake joint to be discovered by someone.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. That sounds like you're interested in family episode. Yeah, very confusing. Babe, I hope that your mom. I hope she's gonna get here in a week. I hope she likes it. We'll find out longer if she's walking.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Obviously. Well, listen. Thank you so much for listening, everyone. If you would like to hear ad free versions of the episodes and gain access to our bonus content, our bonus room episodes go to cbb world.com and sign up for the Maximus. I almost said slash and then I realized I don't know what would follow the slash.

[Nicole Parker]

Listen, it's Carmine. I'm blaming this on Carmine.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He really scrambled my brain. Scrambled her brains with glitter. So go to the CBB website and sign up. I almost did it again.

[Doug Jones]

The cbb world.com.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I was hoping that that would be glossed over. But yes, I did say that. Go to cbbworld.com and sign up on the Maximus tier and you'll get all that good stuff. And follow us on Instagram. The Neighborhood Listen on Instagram where we post our posts that we use in the show. Thank you very much everyone. We'll be back next week with another episode of the Neighborhood Listen. Until then, goodbye and bye.

[Nicole Parker]

All of the posts used in this episode were real. Only some geographical specifics have been changed.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The Neighborhood Listen is hosted and produced by me, Paul F. Tompkins and me.

[Doug Jones]

Nicole Parker and me, Brett Morris.

[Nicole Parker]

This episode's guest was played by Mark Rennie.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The Neighborhood Listen is a production of Comedy Bang Bang world.

[Nicole Parker]

Go to cbbworld.com to unlock the entire history of the show ad free as well as brand new full length bonus room episodes exclusive to Maxima subscribers. Your support keeps the show going.