Half-Hidden In A Woodpile with Andy Daly

Summary

The Neighborhood Listen: Episode Summary – "Half-Hidden In A Woodpile with Andy Daly"

Introduction

In this engaging episode of The Neighborhood Listen, hosts Burnt Millipede (Paul F. Tompkins), Joan Pedestrian (Nicole Parker), and Doug (Brett Morris) delve into the quirky happenings of their hometown, Dignity Falls. The episode, titled "Half-Hidden In A Woodpile with Andy Daly," features a fascinating guest appearance by Andy Daly, who portrays a unique character embroiled in an unusual addiction.

Main Discussion

Discovering the Mystery

The episode kicks off with the hosts addressing a listener-submitted post from Andrea McMillion, shared in the crime and safety section of their neighborhood social app. Andrea describes a perplexing incident where her security camera captured an individual leaving a partially hidden white chocolate Hershey bar beneath a woodpile at her property.

Notable Quote:

"The weirdest thing just happened. My cam caught a guy pulling in my drive. He got out and put something by my gate and left." – Andrea McMillion [30:08]

Introducing the Guest

Responding to the mystery, the hosts decide to bring in the person responsible for the peculiar act. Andy Daly steps in as Stan Daniels, the man behind the half-hidden chocolate bars. Stan elaborates on his obsession with Hershey's Cookies and Cream bars, revealing a systematic method to manage his craving by stashing the candy in various locations precisely 1.74 miles from his home—a distance calculated to burn off the 220 calories per bar through walking.

Notable Quote:

"I've designated a number of areas throughout Dignity Falls that are 1.74 miles away from my home. I place... Cookies and cream bars at those specific locations." – Stan Daniels [42:30]

The Addiction Unveiled

Throughout the conversation, Stan candidly discusses his struggle, likening his consumption of the bars to an uncontrollable addiction. He explains that his doctor advised him to curb his intake, leading him to devise the current strategy of hiding the bars and incurring physical exertion to justify his consumption.

Notable Quote:

"My doctor told me it's not good. I don't need you to tell me that." – Stan Daniels [45:00]

Hosts' Reaction and Intervention

The hosts express their concern and attempt to guide Stan towards seeking professional help. Joan emphasizes the seriousness of his condition, suggesting specialized treatment for food addictions, while Bret and Andy probe deeper into Stan's lifestyle and the implications of his habits on his personal life.

Notable Quote:

"There is absolutely somebody who could help you. Please do." – Joan Pedestrian [56:33]

Conclusion

As the episode progresses, Stan remains steadfast in his methods, humorously debating with the hosts and highlighting the lengths he's willing to go to manage his craving. The hosts, though entertained, consistently steer the conversation towards the importance of addressing such addictions seriously.

The episode concludes with a reflection on the bizarre yet captivating story, leaving listeners both amused and thoughtful about the lengths individuals might go to cope with their obsessions.

Key Takeaways

• Unique Coping Mechanism: Stan Daniels employs a calculated approach to manage his chocolate addiction, intertwining physical activity with his consumption habits.

• Seriousness of Addiction: While presented humorously, the episode underscores the real challenges and consequences of addictions, regardless of their nature.

• Community Engagement: The Podcast effectively uses listener submissions to create compelling and relatable content, fostering a sense of community involvement.

Notable Quotes Recap

• "I have vivid dreams where the cookies and cream bars are crying out to me." – Stan Daniels [49:47]

• "It's really about the importance of healing." – Joan Pedestrian [16:31]

• "Cookies and cream pie. Really?" – Stan Daniels [35:08]

• "You're saying I'd go to the same guy that handles the couch?" – Joan Pedestrian [55:36]

Final Thoughts

"Half-Hidden In A Woodpile with Andy Daly" stands out as a memorable episode that blends humor with a poignant look at personal struggles. Through vivid storytelling and dynamic interactions, The Neighborhood Listen successfully captures the essence of Dignity Falls' eccentricities, offering listeners both entertainment and reflection.

Transcript

[Paul F. Tompkins]

With a $5 meal deal with new McValue.

[Nicole Parker]

You pick a McDouble or a McChicken.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Then get a small fry, a small drink and a four piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money.

[Nicole Parker]

Prices and participation may vary.

[Bret Morris]

McDouble meal $6 in some markets for a limited time only. If you have a locked AT&T phone, we're here with bolt cutters. T Mobile will help pay off your locked phone and give you a new 5G phone for free. All on America's largest 5G network. Visit t mobile.com carrierfreedom via virtual prepaid MasterCard in 15 days. Free phone up to 830 $30 via 24 monthly bill credits plus tax and a $10 device connection charge. Qualifying port and trade in service on Go5G next and credit required. Contact us before canceling entire account to continue bill credits or credit stop and balance on required finance agreements, due bill credits and if you pay off devices early hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins.

[Nicole Parker]

And I'm Nicole Parker.

[Bret Morris]

On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website.

[Nicole Parker]

Occasionally we change the names of some.

[Bret Morris]

Streets and that's all you need to know to support the show and unlock the Ad free archive as well as exclusive monthly episodes of the Bonus room. Go to CBBworld do and sign up for a Maximus membership.

[Nicole Parker]

And now please enjoy this episode of the Neighborhood Listen.

[Bret Morris]

Knock knock.

[Nicole Parker]

Who's there? Your neighbor Good. In Dignity Falls, you're never alone. You've got the neighbor half AP and.

[Bret Morris]

Us burnt and jode.

[Nicole Parker]

From coyotes to male theft to weird things to sell.

[Bret Morris]

We'll cover it all and meet new neighbors as well.

[Nicole Parker]

We'll chat about any posts you're missing. So just tune in to the Neighborhood Listen.

[Bret Morris]

Welcome everyone, to the Neighborhood Listen podcast. This is the podcast that explores the neighborhood of Dignity Falls through the lens of its residents. My name is Burt Miapede. I'm a pharmacist here in Dignity Falls. I'm the pharmacist in chief of the Dignity fallsmassy. I, of course, graduated from pharmacy college at Mount Olympils, as we discussed briefly last week. And with me, as always, is my fantastic co host. We co host together.

[Nicole Parker]

We do.

[Bret Morris]

Please introduce yourself.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, I thought you were gonna say please give it up for Joan Pedestrian, but you made me do it. Okay. Please give it up for me, Joan Pedestrian.

[Bret Morris]

Well, who's giving it up?

[Nicole Parker]

I'm kidding. I just like it when people say Please give it up for. You know, I go to lots of open mics. It's very fun for me.

[Bret Morris]

It is funny that. Give it up. When you think about it, it's assuming the audience is not going to correct, and then you have to admonish them to give it up. Then you would introduce somebody. They walk out, just silence.

[Nicole Parker]

But I'm imagining. I'm imagining that there isn't silence. I am Joan Pedestrian. I am the top realtor. I am Joan Pedestrian. I am. Well, you know what? I saw you right before you started your intro. You really got in character, if I may use a local actress term. I am a local actress here in Dignity Falls. Some would say the local actress. I would say that someone is me. And you cut me out of the equation. Well, I appreciate your endorsement. Thank you for your support.

[Bret Morris]

I like to say you're my favorite actor, Joan.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, my gosh. You do. You like to say it. I'm glad you like to say it.

[Bret Morris]

I enjoy saying it.

[Nicole Parker]

And we. Yes, we are here. I'm very excited. We talked a lot about you last time burnt about your couples therapy experience with Gabby. No, it was not too much. I love learning new things about you.

[Bret Morris]

You don't think I'm in legal trouble, do you? Discussing the. The therapy outside of.

[Nicole Parker]

No. If we had her on and she discussed it, you know, with all of us, I think that that would be. That would. A breach of privacy.

[Bret Morris]

You're talking about the therapist.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. What was your question? What did you want to know? Why would you be in trouble?

[Bret Morris]

No, you asked. You answered my question.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, great. Okay, good. I'm so glad to know. So how is it going right now? Can I ask about. For an update? Can I ask about an update? For an update?

[Bret Morris]

Ask an update and I will give you that update.

[Nicole Parker]

Thank you.

[Bret Morris]

I'm going to consider. The request for. The update has been submitted.

[Nicole Parker]

I put in a request and now I'm waiting to hear back.

[Bret Morris]

That request will be granted.

[Nicole Parker]

Great. I'm so excited.

[Bret Morris]

It's going. It's going very well.

[Nicole Parker]

Good.

[Bret Morris]

Very well.

[Nicole Parker]

Have you moved in together yet?

[Bret Morris]

We. Yes. Well, bit by bit, she's.

[Nicole Parker]

She's coming in very slowly, like bodily, like just a toe.

[Bret Morris]

I.

[Nicole Parker]

You said bit by bit.

[Bret Morris]

I did. I did not mean literally. Gabby herself is coming in gradually.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Bret Morris]

But I can understand your confusion. I suppose she is. She's moving one thing at a time, one item at a time. So it'll be like a box of.

[Nicole Parker]

You know, it's going to take forever.

[Bret Morris]

A banker's Box.

[Nicole Parker]

A banker's box.

[Bret Morris]

Yes. Filled with items. So it's like a reverse firing.

[Nicole Parker]

She's bringing in a plant and a file.

[Bret Morris]

That's right.

[Nicole Parker]

And she's happy. She's happy.

[Bret Morris]

When you see people getting fired and they have those banker's boxes, there's always a plant sticking out.

[Nicole Parker]

There's always a plant.

[Bret Morris]

And what it reminds me of is old sitcoms when you would see somebody coming back from the supermarket and there would be the. The greens from a carrot. A bunch of carrots.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. Always. Always. You know what I also hated is that it looks like on television shows they use paper bags, but they're not paper bags. Like they're made of some weird synthetic sort of material so that it won't. It won't get really over overused and break apart. Did you not know this?

[Bret Morris]

No, I didn't know this.

[Nicole Parker]

Take a look. Next time. Next time you're watching a sitcom from the 90s, okay? And you will see that a grocery bag does not behave like a paper grocery bag. It looks like it's made of rubber or something. I can't expl. I've gotten to feel.

[Bret Morris]

Do you think it's all one solid piece?

[Nicole Parker]

Here's. Do you know why I know this? Here's why I know this?

[Bret Morris]

Why do you know this is?

[Nicole Parker]

This is.

[Bret Morris]

You said you got to feel one.

[Nicole Parker]

One time. The one time was yesterday. Let me tell you what's happening.

[Bret Morris]

Just torn from the headlines like Law and Order.

[Nicole Parker]

So. So you know the twins that. Who are living at the house, they've been really. Again, for anybody who forgets my twins, of course, my. And talking about my twins, Matt and Cool Ranch and Cool Ranch, Mad and Cool Ranch. They did. They.

[Bret Morris]

They did their prank show.

[Nicole Parker]

They did their prank show for the Chick Fil, a streaming service, and it did not get picked up.

[Bret Morris]

Didn't go.

[Nicole Parker]

And it really hit them hard.

[Bret Morris]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

So much that they did not enjoy fire. They are known pyromaniacs. They did nothing for them. They're dead.

[Bret Morris]

It's so surprising. They're so upset they can't enjoy.

[Nicole Parker]

I never thought I'd be sad. I never thought that would make me sad. You know what I mean?

[Bret Morris]

I hear you.

[Nicole Parker]

They did is they got their heads together and they literally. They literally glued their heads together. What they did because I said, get your heads together. That's what they thought it meant. But you know what's crazy? It. They bonded. When I say they punish. Sorry, what?

[Bret Morris]

They're in their 20s, are they not?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, that doesn't matter. They would do that in their 40s. But these. Listen, you know Matt and Cool Ranch. Cool Ranch is always the instigator too.

[Bret Morris]

He always is the instigator.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, but everybody loves Cool Ranch.

[Bret Morris]

Everybody loves Cool Ranch.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What's so good?

[Nicole Parker]

Why is he so.

[Bret Morris]

I don't.

[Nicole Parker]

He. There's something about him. Addictive.

[Bret Morris]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Couldn't have just one. That's why I had twins.

[Bret Morris]

You could almost feel yourself getting sick if you have.

[Nicole Parker]

My love for him is almost poisonous. Anyways, they. In this moment, they really did bond it. And they came up with an idea. They're like, mom, we're gonna write a pilot. A different one. Like a regular scripted series. Yeah. Yes. Yes. And they're like, we wrote a part for you, and we actually wrote it for you. And you know what they've done? They've done. It's Mr. Doubtfire. I said we're gonna. We're gonna shoot it in the house. It's perfect. We have all the locations because we have like 150 rooms, you know, and we just started shooting yesterday. We did a table.

[Bret Morris]

Can I take a guess? Can I take a guess as. Because I feel like it's not just a gender swapped Mrs. Doubtfire.

[Nicole Parker]

Right.

[Bret Morris]

Correct me if I'm wrong. I imagining it is a housekeeper. Mr. Doubtfire pretending to be their father. Do I have that correct. Or pretending to be their mother. Wait, what? So Mr. Doubtfire is a man?

[Nicole Parker]

Listen, listen. No. Okay. Oh, you know what? Sorry. Hang on. That is. You know what's so crazy? When they work for the Chick Fil A streaming company.

[Bret Morris]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

They would never ever provide them food. You know, but now, since they have a writer's room for Mr. Mr. Doubtfire, I do provide Chick Fil A for them. So that's the door. That's the Chick Fil A. So I have to go, babe. Hey, babe, can you go get it?

[Bret Morris]

They're still eating Chick Fil A even though.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, they weren't. They didn't get to eat any, babe.

[Bret Morris]

Oh, you wrote lyrics?

[Nicole Parker]

He wrote lyrics. He wrote lyrics to the doorbell.

[Andy Daly]

You want me to get it?

[Bret Morris]

Why do you see him?

[Nicole Parker]

I'm sorry. Are you busy?

[Andy Daly]

Well, a little bit, but that's.

[Bret Morris]

I mean, he is recording the show.

[Nicole Parker]

You know, you should definitely go get. I guess I'll just leave it at the door. And I guess it's fine. You don't have to go get it to leave it at the door. They'll leave it at the door. Where are you, babe? Why are you so busy? What Room. Are you.

[Andy Daly]

Oh, I'm in the. The orangery.

[Nicole Parker]

The orangery.

[Bret Morris]

What does that mean? Is that a new word?

[Andy Daly]

No, it's actually quite an old word to him.

[Nicole Parker]

Maybe it is.

[Andy Daly]

Is the old, old you would conserve the fruit trees.

[Nicole Parker]

The old conserve.

[Bret Morris]

It was the old. You would conserve the fruit.

[Nicole Parker]

You know, come on, burn. Get with the program.

[Andy Daly]

It's like.

[Bret Morris]

Well, that is. That is an expression here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh.

[Nicole Parker]

It'S funny because it's the expression no one can ever remember. So they say it, but they just slur their words. They just sort of work through it. Oh, the old conservative.

[Andy Daly]

You know, it's almost like a greenhouse.

[Nicole Parker]

Or a aviary, but it's not. You know why it's not either? Because we already have established we have a greenhouse and an aviary theory. That's why it can't be them.

[Bret Morris]

That's true.

[Nicole Parker]

That's why it can't be either. So it's an orange. So do you have, like, orange groves growing in there? Are you preserving just actual oranges or conserving orange groves?

[Andy Daly]

Lemons. We got dragons.

[Nicole Parker]

That was not. That was not the question I asked earlier. Orange grows and. And lemon trees or just lemons? Loose. Lemons. Trees.

[Bret Morris]

Trees are very pretty.

[Nicole Parker]

You have built.

[Andy Daly]

Why have a lemon when you can have a lemon tree? Unlimited lemons. Don't you see?

[Nicole Parker]

Wait, are you. Are you okay, babe?

[Bret Morris]

Is that from a commercial for lemons?

[Nicole Parker]

Sounds like it is.

[Andy Daly]

It's an old, old, old piece of wisdom.

[Bret Morris]

Now, the lemon tree used to tell me it's very pretty. And the lemon flower.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, sumptuous smell.

[Bret Morris]

Little shitty is sweet.

[Nicole Parker]

What?

[Andy Daly]

Oh, I thought. I thought you were going for a rhyme.

[Nicole Parker]

Did you say Little shitty?

[Andy Daly]

Yes, because it rhymes with pretty. I'm sorry.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, he just can't stop rhyming.

[Bret Morris]

But the fruit of the lemon is impossible to eat.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, I see. Yes, you are right. It's the old song. But you did it in spoken word. And you know what? It had different meaning because it sounds.

[Bret Morris]

More ominous when you do it. When you.

[Nicole Parker]

Sure, it does.

[Bret Morris]

Lemon tree, very pretty. And the lemon flower is sweet. But the fruit of the lemon is impossible to eat.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, well, now, you did it very differently that time. You did it very differently that time. Okay.

[Bret Morris]

I mean, I was.

[Nicole Parker]

That was like a ghost story.

[Bret Morris]

I was picturing an old lady in a werewolf movie, like, scarf on her head.

[Nicole Parker]

I was picturing an old prospector at a fire. Isn't that interesting?

[Bret Morris]

An old prospector at a. Like a campfire.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Bret Morris]

Not like watching a building burn down Like.

[Nicole Parker]

Like fire starter situation.

[Bret Morris]

He probably did it. Arsonist always goes to watch.

[Nicole Parker]

And the arsonist is always a fireman. It's always. They're always in the department. Every single true.

[Bret Morris]

Isn't it?

[Nicole Parker]

It sure is. It sure wasn't backdropped. So anyways, they've got. So, yes, they're eating. That was the food he'll go get now. I can't remember. All I can tell you is that they are working on the concept, but the whole point is supposed to be that. Yes. No, this is a. This is a. This is a mom who falls out with her family.

[Bret Morris]

Right.

[Nicole Parker]

She's no good. She's really fucked up.

[Bret Morris]

Right.

[Nicole Parker]

And sorry, babe. I only get three swears every season. He gets really mad when I swear.

[Andy Daly]

I don't do that. I said the brown word. It's okay.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm sorry. You said the brown word?

[Bret Morris]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

What does that mean?

[Bret Morris]

You said shitty.

[Nicole Parker]

Wow.

[Bret Morris]

Now, so anyways.

[Nicole Parker]

And so in order to go back into their favor, she dresses up.

[Bret Morris]

What has she done to fall out with the family? Was this like, I had an affair? Squandered the money? The family's money?

[Nicole Parker]

No, it's just that she had an addiction to gambling.

[Bret Morris]

Wow. That's heavy.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, they wanted it to be serious and funny. You know, if we're gonna do it, we're gonna do it.

[Bret Morris]

What happened? No, I. I have not seen Mrs. Doubtfire.

[Nicole Parker]

You have?

[Bret Morris]

No.

[Nicole Parker]

Once again, this is a movie podcast.

[Bret Morris]

And I don't feel I need to.

[Nicole Parker]

How can we always end up talking? I know.

[Bret Morris]

Here's. Here's everything I know about Mrs. Doubtfire, and I feel like I know it all.

[Nicole Parker]

Let's have it. Are you serious? Is this gonna be just like Back to the Future?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. All right. Go on.

[Bret Morris]

Back to the Future. I specifically do not remember that first.

[Nicole Parker]

The first five minutes. Yes.

[Bret Morris]

Where?

[Nicole Parker]

I know.

[Bret Morris]

Speakers. Blow him away.

[Nicole Parker]

We've been through it. Yes.

[Bret Morris]

Here's what I know about.

[Nicole Parker]

Here's what you know about Mrs. Doubt All.

[Bret Morris]

I need to know. I'm very confident in this.

[Nicole Parker]

You really are.

[Bret Morris]

I know. Hello? I know.

[Nicole Parker]

You're 50% there.

[Bret Morris]

I know. Run by fruiting.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, I knew you were gonna say it. I knew I should have taken bets.

[Bret Morris]

Drive by Now. I've been castigated over this.

[Nicole Parker]

No, no, it was a drive by. It was drive by. Trust me, because I've been doing my research. I just watched. I watched it five times in the last 24 hours, Joan.

[Bret Morris]

Five in the last 24 hours. I was gonna. I balked it five times. Then when I processed 24 hours. That's so many viewings of Mrs. Dallas.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, we're on a deadline. I really have to get the research.

[Bret Morris]

Why is there a deadline?

[Nicole Parker]

Cool Ranch said they're.

[Bret Morris]

Cool Ranch. They're writing this on spec, I assume.

[Nicole Parker]

Tight shift.

[Andy Daly]

And their heads are together. They refuse.

[Bret Morris]

And they glue their heads together.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, their heads are still.

[Andy Daly]

They refuse to separate them until.

[Nicole Parker]

They're afraid that if they separate, then that'll, like, mess up their vibe of, like, writing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Ok.

[Bret Morris]

They're afraid if they deglue their own heads, it will mess something up, not improve things. All right, so this is. Okay, so here's.

[Nicole Parker]

Hello. Dry fruiting.

[Bret Morris]

Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. Yes.

[Bret Morris]

Don't at me. And the whole time. The whole time. The whole time.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, Sally Field, dream role. Oh, God. Unfortunately, dream role.

[Bret Morris]

Is that role a less than thankless role or a more than thankless role?

[Nicole Parker]

It could have been, but Sally Field made such a meal out of it. I mean, God damn it. Yes, she was thrown. She was given nothing. And she turned it into a feast. A feast for us.

[Bret Morris]

So literally, anything else I need to know about Mrs. Doubtfire facing the piece.

[Nicole Parker]

Walk Like a Man.

[Bret Morris]

Tits on fire. I feel like we've had this exact conversation.

[Nicole Parker]

We have not. It's not fire. Deja vu.

[Andy Daly]

I'm having hot flashes. I'm having hot flashes.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. Yeah.

[Bret Morris]

Oh, believe me, I'm having hot flashes.

[Nicole Parker]

Listen. And I told them you look like a lady.

[Bret Morris]

I understand. Walk like a man has no place in this. In this. And weirdly, the thing that is most fascinating to me about Ms. Doubtfire is it's based on a book.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, I didn't know that. Oh, no. The twins have to make sure they can get the rights.

[Bret Morris]

Oh, my God. They have to get the rights.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, no. Off the Tactical Ranch.

[Bret Morris]

Or change the name.

[Nicole Parker]

Or change the name. Well, maybe Mr. Doubtfire's an up.

[Bret Morris]

Mr. Mr. Shore.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Mud.

[Bret Morris]

Mr. Shore. Ice. Ice is the opposite of fire. Mr. Shorewater.

[Nicole Parker]

Mr. Shorewater. Mr.— Shorewater. That sounds amazing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're covered.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. We're fine. No, I mean burn. Honestly, you really have summed it up. And I'm. And I'm glad that you included Sally Field's performance, because that is really. Of course. And, yes, it's true. When I saw that, I was like, I want to play a role like that, but Instead, I'm playing Mr. Doubtfire. But what a challenge, you know? And I did mention it to them. Listen, this story has become problematic over the years, and they assure me that it's Gonna be fine.

[Bret Morris]

So this. This. This man, this woman is. She's got a terrible gambling addiction.

[Nicole Parker]

And it's really about the importance of healing. And she tries to avoid going to a facility and she escapes.

[Bret Morris]

Healing is important. What she goes to.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, you know, like a place for gamblers, you know, and these places, you.

[Bret Morris]

Have to escape from them. You can't just walk out.

[Nicole Parker]

Listen, Bert, I'm telling you, I am reading the one sheet that was given to me by my two conjoined glue head sons.

[Bret Morris]

Understood?

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Bret Morris]

Glue head sons.

[Nicole Parker]

It said. It said Mr. Doubtfire. Just bullet points. It said Mr. DoubtFire. They spelled it wrong.

[Bret Morris]

How did they spell it?

[Nicole Parker]

D, O, W, D. Oh, no.

[Bret Morris]

F, Y, R. They've never seen it even in Britain. Movie's been around for a long time.

[Nicole Parker]

I just watched it five times. Said Mr. Doubtfire. Mom has bad gambling debt. Sent to facility. Escapes facility. It doesn't say how. It doesn't say how. It just kept using the word. I think that they feel fancy saying facility.

[Bret Morris]

Sure.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Andy Daly]

Have you heard their newest plan for Mr. Doubtfire? Takes off and makes it our boys. Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

They've already made plans. Yeah, we haven't even. They haven't even gotten through a full script yet.

[Andy Daly]

They want to put on a Mr. Doubtfire fest.

[Nicole Parker]

That doesn't surprise me. That. That. That does not surprise me. What a terrible idea.

[Bret Morris]

Is that why I overheard Cool Ranch talking on the phone, and he's talking to somebody named Jaw.

[Andy Daly]

Yes.

[Bret Morris]

So is Ja Rule involved?

[Andy Daly]

Ja Rule? Quite well.

[Bret Morris]

The twins. And how do you not know about this, John?

[Nicole Parker]

It's true. There's a lot of things I don't know about my boys, it turns out. Well, they were out of a house for a while. God knows what they were doing.

[Bret Morris]

Yeah, that's true.

[Nicole Parker]

Again, as I always say, I'm just happy they're alive.

[Bret Morris]

Yeah. And not setting fires.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. Hang on. I just have another question about this orangery.

[Andy Daly]

The orangery, how big?

[Bret Morris]

Yeah, that's right.

[Nicole Parker]

Has it like it's been on the. On the. On the tongues of people for years and years and years?

[Bret Morris]

Very old word.

[Nicole Parker]

I need to know, have you been working on this? And these are saplings that just became trees? Or did you, like, order or you do you bring full trees into our house?

[Andy Daly]

I moved our trees. We have a fruit trees in the back. I've moved them into the orangery.

[Nicole Parker]

You took my trees out?

[Bret Morris]

You took the trees out.

[Andy Daly]

They're in good hands now.

[Nicole Parker]

They're gonna be hands now.

[Andy Daly]

They're gonna. They're Gonna thrive like they'd never.

[Nicole Parker]

But they were doing before. They were doing great in the yard, honey. Like they were doing great.

[Andy Daly]

They were doing okay, but things are. Know what kind of weather events we're gonna see?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, I hate to say this, but Doug's getting. He's become a bit of a conspiracy theorist.

[Bret Morris]

Weather conspiracy.

[Nicole Parker]

Of the orange conspiracy. That's been. You know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What is.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm not on the streets.

[Bret Morris]

What's the orange conspiracy?

[Nicole Parker]

That's on the streets, babe.

[Bret Morris]

Oh.

[Nicole Parker]

Believe it.

[Andy Daly]

They're going around.

[Bret Morris]

It would be better if Doug explains it.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, I think. I think his best.

[Bret Morris]

Absolutely. You easily believes.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, I don't want. I don't want any part of it.

[Bret Morris]

All right, hit me with all the details of this orange conspiracy.

[Andy Daly]

The dignity town council has been taking people's oranges.

[Nicole Parker]

Allegedly. This is all. Allegedly. Everybody.

[Andy Daly]

They use it for their sick feasts.

[Bret Morris]

What do you mean they've been taking people's oranges? Like they're going around picking oranges off the trees in people's homes.

[Andy Daly]

Yes.

[Bret Morris]

Okay.

[Andy Daly]

It gets that bad, and then they use it for.

[Bret Morris]

Did you say sick feast?

[Andy Daly]

Yeah, they're sick.

[Nicole Parker]

What does that mean? Do you understand? You hear yourself? This is just.

[Bret Morris]

Do you hear yourself?

[Nicole Parker]

Stupid stuff that people pedal online. What are you talking about? Sick feasts?

[Andy Daly]

They say that.

[Bret Morris]

Are you on 6chan?

[Andy Daly]

I'm not on 6chan. I stay off that stuff.

[Bret Morris]

All right.

[Andy Daly]

I hope this is all good. No, six chan is a local.

[Bret Morris]

It's Dignity Falls website.

[Andy Daly]

I do go on dark Facebook at the library. I told you that. But it's a nice place.

[Bret Morris]

Well, that's nice.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Andy Daly]

Dark Facebook is reasonable.

[Nicole Parker]

People get encouraging dog memes.

[Bret Morris]

That's ironic.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Bret Morris]

Dark Facebook is actually the nice one.

[Andy Daly]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, babe, this is not. It's not.

[Andy Daly]

They have these sick feasts. Underground.

[Bret Morris]

Underground turkey legs.

[Andy Daly]

And. And they're squeezing oranges everywhere. Sloppily wrong. With cats gorging themselves.

[Nicole Parker]

That's not a great conspiracy.

[Andy Daly]

On our origins.

[Nicole Parker]

On our oranges.

[Bret Morris]

So they're eating turkey legs and just squeezing oranges.

[Andy Daly]

Among other things.

[Nicole Parker]

Are you going to mention what are.

[Bret Morris]

Some of the other things? Oh, I mean, this doesn't sound that sick. Other than the waste.

[Nicole Parker]

The energy of where to start. But I feel like we're already done.

[Andy Daly]

Some. Some say they eat people.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, come on. I am so tired of this. This is not turkey.

[Bret Morris]

Turkey legs.

[Andy Daly]

Oranges and human with orange. Like.

[Bret Morris]

Oh, that's why they're squeezing the orange chicken.

[Andy Daly]

It's like an orange chicken.

[Nicole Parker]

Orange chicken, yes. Okay, this is. You know what? I really need you to stay off the Internet for a while, babe. Okay?

[Bret Morris]

Do you believe this, Doug? Do you truly believe this is happening?

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. Really?

[Andy Daly]

I. I like the idea of believing it more than I believe it.

[Nicole Parker]

What? The idea of believing this makes no sense. Yeah.

[Bret Morris]

What does that mean, Doug?

[Andy Daly]

It's fun.

[Bret Morris]

Okay, you know what? That's honest. That's an honest answer.

[Andy Daly]

Also, it's. It's win win because we get fresh oranges all year round, babe.

[Nicole Parker]

I don't see it as win win.

[Andy Daly]

And I need to hide.

[Nicole Parker]

My yard has holes in it now.

[Andy Daly]

I'll fill the holes up.

[Nicole Parker]

With what?

[Andy Daly]

Pavement. Concrete.

[Bret Morris]

Pavement.

[Nicole Parker]

Pavement. Concrete. Concave crete.

[Bret Morris]

Fill that hole with pavement.

[Andy Daly]

I'm working on hybrids, lemon, oranges. You got oranges?

[Bret Morris]

Is that good?

[Nicole Parker]

I don't know that an orange lemon would be good.

[Andy Daly]

Lemon, orange, lemon, Lime.

[Nicole Parker]

No, lemon. Lime is a different one.

[Andy Daly]

That would be lime ingredient to Sprite.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, but babe, that has nothing to do with orange.

[Bret Morris]

It's a whole ingredient.

[Andy Daly]

Not to Sprite. Cranberry.

[Nicole Parker]

My house is a circus right now. Let me just tell you. I don't know what's going on. You know what I think? Passion fruit. Just stop naming fruits. Please stop listing fruits. We've got to painting a picture of.

[Andy Daly]

What this could develop into.

[Nicole Parker]

I don't. I have no idea. The orangery in the orange room.

[Bret Morris]

Conclusion.

[Nicole Parker]

Go out in the orange room. How long have we been talking, babe?

[Bret Morris]

Oh, boy.

[Nicole Parker]

Here we go. Here we go. Takes forever. I don't know why.

[Bret Morris]

Can't imagine.

[Andy Daly]

Because I'm on the stand defending myself.

[Bret Morris]

Okay, Joanie, Got you.

[Nicole Parker]

I've been gotten. I've been gotten.

[Andy Daly]

22 minutes.

[Nicole Parker]

22 minutes.

[Bret Morris]

We should take a break.

[Nicole Parker]

We should.

[Bret Morris]

We sure.

[Nicole Parker]

We sure.

[Bret Morris]

We sured a good time just now. And now it's time to take a break.

[Nicole Parker]

Yep.

[Bret Morris]

Well, folks, we'll be back with a guest when the neighbor listen returns to you. Nicole, great news. Today's episode is sponsored by Acorns Early. Oh, now, April, as we've been talking about, is financial literacy month, the perfect time to start teaching your kids the value of money. And Acorns early makes it easy with their smart money app and debit card for kids.

[Nicole Parker]

Acorns Early's chores tracker teaches kids that hard work pays off. You just set up tasks in the app, set a payment amount, and tick the chore off when it's done. Savings goals help kids turn savings into a habit. And they can even choose their own target dates and turn on the optional auto save feature to help them get there.

[Bret Morris]

And kids get a new sense of independence when they spend what they earn with their very own debit card.

[Nicole Parker]

That's cool.

[Bret Morris]

And they get to choose from 35 plus customizable card designs. I wish I had that actually. Plus, kids can build up their money knowledge and their confidence with bite sized financial lessons. The Acorns early app has tons of fun interactive courses that help kids learn about all things money.

[Nicole Parker]

Parents can keep track of where and when their kids are spending. You get real time spend notifications. You can set your kids spending limits and instantly block lost or stolen cards. Acorns early lets parents pay allowances automatically. That is actually really handy. No more rummaging around for cash. God knows I rummage automatically sending weekly allowance to your kid's account with just a few taps.

[Bret Morris]

Now look, I don't have any kids, but I was a kid and I didn't know shit about money. I had to learn it the hard way.

[Nicole Parker]

Right?

[Bret Morris]

My kids sucked.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. So if you are ready to help your kids grow money skills that will last a lifetime, just head to acornserly.com TNL or download the Acorns early app to get started. Sign up now and your first month is on us.

[Bret Morris]

Acorns EarlyCard is issued by Community Federal Savings bank member FDIC pursuant to license by MasterCard International. TMCs apply monthly subscription fees starting from $5 per month unless canceled.

[Nicole Parker]

That was so great.

[Bret Morris]

Yes. This episode is brought to you by Huel. Huel Black Edition Ready to Drink is a meal in a bottle. One bottle contains 35 grams of protein, 27 vitamins and minerals, and is low in sugar. Huel is a perfectly balanced meal designed by nutrition experts and it takes the guesswork out of healthy eating. Look, it's got vitamin C, which supports the immune system. It's got vitamin B12, which reduces tiredness and fatigue. It's got 35 grams of protein.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Bret Morris]

Which supports growth and muscle mass. And it's a source of calcium, which contributes to the normal function of digestive enzymes. I want those to be functioning normally. Now, Huel sent me a bunch of stuff and I've been drinking it. And let me tell you something, it's so convenient, especially for somebody like me. I'm running around all the time. I grab one of these bottles when I leave the house so that between engagements I can have one of these without having to stop at a restaurant for a meal or buy a super expensive coffee or something to give me a little boost. And they taste really good. They taste like milkshakes. They got all these different flavors. Strawberry, banana, vanilla, chocolate, iced coffee. They're all good. Convenience, affordability, taste. The three pillars new customers visit Huell.com TNL today that's H U E L.com TL TNL use our code TNL to get 15% off your first order plus a free gift. That is Huell.com TNL get 15% off your first order Plus a free gift today. Ever wish your dog could join in on the wild adventures happening in Dignity Falls? Like sneaking oranges from the orangery or starring in a sitcom with a twist. With Ollie, your pup can get the energy for all kinds of fun. Ollie creates a custom meal plan for your dog in just 30 seconds based on their weight, activity and health. Their food is made in US Kitchens with high quality human grade ingredients. No fillers or preservatives, just real food. Choose from five protein first recipes like Fresh beef with sweet potatoes or Fresh Turkey with blueberries. Dogs deserve the best and that means fresh, healthy food. Head to ollie.com freshpup Tell them all about your dog and use code F R E S H Puppet to get 60% off your welcome kit when you subscribe today. Plus they offer a clean bowl guarantee on the first box, so if you're not completely satisfied, you'll get your money back. That's o l l ie.com freshpup and enter code f R-E-S-H-P-U p to get 60% off your first box. Hi, it's Laura and I have an Easter bunny costume with basket and it's free. The face is cut out. I didn't like the way the face looked. It was mocking me. When I looked at that face.

[Nicole Parker]

It.

[Bret Morris]

I don't know, it made me feel small and weak, made me feel unimportant. I didn't like the face, so I cut it out. But then I had the cutout face just, just lying around. And I try to mock it. I try to say, ha, ha ha, now who's. Now who's small and unimportant? You're just a face. But it still looked at me the same way it's laughing at me. Face was laughing at me. Well, I'm laughing now because I made the face. I made the face look like my face. And now when I look at it and the face looks at me and says, you're small, I say, you're small. You're small because your face looks like my face. But I have a whole body. You're just a Face. Anyway, kids love it. Happy Easter. When Easter comes around again. Welcome back to the neighborhood. Listen, it is time to talk to our guests. Now, here's what we do. Every week we go through the neighborhap, the social networking application for neighborhoods, and we find an interesting post. Bring the people on to talk about it. Sometimes it's the person who posted, sometimes it's the subject of the post.

[Nicole Parker]

This is true.

[Bret Morris]

Thanks for backing me up.

[Nicole Parker]

You're welcome.

[Bret Morris]

And this is one that was sent to us from a listener. Again, if you would like to. If you. If you think you see a post that we should talk about, you can screenshot it and send it to [e-mail] as Andrea McMillion did. Thank you, Andrea.

[Nicole Parker]

What a name. Thank you, Andrea.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Andrea.

[Bret Morris]

Well, it's M I L L I A N, which sometimes is McMillan. But that extra I makes me think, Ah, it's McMillian. Yeah, that's what I would do. That's what I would do. All right. This is in the crime and safety section. This was posted by someone named Steve. And Steve writes, the weirdest thing just happened. My cam caught a guy pulling in my drive. He got out and put something by my gate and left. I went to check and he had half hidden a white chocolate Hershey bar under a piece of wood in my wood pile. And he enclosed some pictures. There is the white chocolate Hershey bar. There's a far away picture where it's circled. And then.

[Nicole Parker]

It sure is. Chocolate Hershey bar. There it is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There is.

[Bret Morris]

Under the piece of wood.

[Nicole Parker]

Odd. That is odd.

[Bret Morris]

Anyone got a clue as to what's going on? And then vehicle color red type, four door.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, and who do we have here today?

[Bret Morris]

We have here the very person who put that white chocolate under the wood pile.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, wow.

[Bret Morris]

Sir, would you please introduce yourself?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Thank you. It's very nice.

[Bret Morris]

Would you talk to the microphone? This is the microphone. Yes. You're very far away.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm sorry, I haven't done this before. I've never been on a.

[Nicole Parker]

Welcome to the kitchen island. He was over there by the stove, very comfortably talking.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I had no idea that. I guess it's not such a. It's a very. What do you call it? A unidirectional.

[Bret Morris]

Yes. You have to get right up on it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right on it, right into it. Well, this feels very strange.

[Bret Morris]

I'm sure it does. Are you used to speaking into different microphones?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I have never. I don't know that I've ever spoken to a microphone before. I Do my talking face to face. Manto. Man.

[Nicole Parker]

That's so interesting. Cuz. You know what? You sound like a sports announcer right now. What a. There you go.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Good job. Here comes the team out. Coming onto the field.

[Nicole Parker]

There you go.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And it's the crowd is everyone wants to root for the home team.

[Bret Morris]

You know, it's sounding less like a sports spirit.

[Nicole Parker]

Is there? Just not the words exactly. So what is your name? Do we get to get your name?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Stan Daniels. Don't call me Dan Staniels.

[Bret Morris]

Oh, wouldn't dream of it.

[Nicole Parker]

Wouldn't dream of it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's. I say every time I tell somebody. Stan Daniels. Don't call me Dan Staniel. And it confuses people like more sure.

[Nicole Parker]

It makes them want to say it.

[Bret Morris]

I honestly now, that's all I want to say.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. Don't say it. Don't say it. No, don't say Stan Daniels.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, that is it. It's Stan Daniels. Don't call me Daniels.

[Bret Morris]

You're right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now.

[Nicole Parker]

I don't know. You're right.

[Bret Morris]

It's Stan Daniels.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Daniels.

[Bret Morris]

I wish this. Did this come up because someone did call you Dan Staniels many times. Many times.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

So you're getting, getting. You're just getting to the jump. You know, you're. You're getting ahead of us now. And that's smart.

[Bret Morris]

Getting in front of it, preaching the controversy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. But it only tell you truth. It doesn't made it worse. Since I started saying that more people call me Dan Staniels than ever would have before.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. I think it's just because you put it in their brain. It's in my mind now. And it is. It is hard to get that I.

[Bret Morris]

Never would have thought of Staniels as a last name until now.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I know.

[Nicole Parker]

So, so, so can you. I mean, I just want to get right here.

[Bret Morris]

I almost called him Dan. I almost called him Dan. Stan. I'm not going. Wish you had.

[Nicole Parker]

So you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'll answer to you.

[Bret Morris]

Oh, you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'll answer to you.

[Nicole Parker]

Just can you. I just want to ask the question. The question directly. What were you doing? Hiding. Is it a half. Half of a white Hershey chocolate bar?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Nadi, you're wrong on both.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, Please clear it up. Please clear it up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I never thought. I never thought I'd have to defend myself in public.

[Bret Morris]

No, you half hidden it.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, half hidden.

[Bret Morris]

But it was full white chocolate.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, it wasn' for price sake.

[Nicole Parker]

So then you're here to set the record.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hershey's doesn't make a goddamn White chocolate.

[Nicole Parker]

You're in front of a microphone. You don't want. You don't have to.

[Bret Morris]

What is this picture?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a Hershey's Cookies and cream bar.

[Nicole Parker]

Is it?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They don't make a white chocolate bar. You know what?

[Nicole Parker]

That actually is a really good point.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a cookies and cream. Get your facts straight before you go out posting about what somebody's up to.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, now, we did post it. To be fair. I know you did.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm not yelling at you.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm yelling at me and yelling at me in error.

[Bret Morris]

Now, do you know Steve?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know Steve from Adam, okay?

[Bret Morris]

What? Why Eve? Why?

[Nicole Parker]

Don't call him Adam, Steve.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hey, I got no problem with those. Hey, behind closed doors, you mind your business.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, okay. Not sure what that's about.

[Bret Morris]

Speaking of minding your business. What. What, yeah, exactly were you doing putting this Hershey's Cookies and Cream bar under this piece of wood?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Have you ever had a cookies and cream bar from Hershey?

[Nicole Parker]

I have, actually.

[Bret Morris]

I have. Yeah. I'm not a fan, I have to say.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Really?

[Bret Morris]

Yeah, I. I think. I don't like the cookies and cream flavor in general.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, sometimes there was the rice. Crunchy bits. They're a little bit strange to me.

[Bret Morris]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I can only envy you. I. These. They've taken over my life.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, my.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Cookies and cream pie. Really?

[Nicole Parker]

Can you tell us what that looks like?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I wish to God.

[Bret Morris]

How does that manifest?

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, how does that manifest?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't stop eating them.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, dear, dear. Stop.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I can't. I don't stop.

[Bret Morris]

Do you eat regular meals?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, if I can. If I can control myself enough and have enough calories on the day left over.

[Nicole Parker]

You know, I'm now seeing that there. It looks. It appears to be there a lot of white chocolate under his fingernails.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, that's for sure.

[Bret Morris]

I thought you just had very clean nails.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But no, that's white chocolate, cream flavored chocolate component.

[Nicole Parker]

When did this start? When did this addiction start? Sorry, I don't mean to call it an addiction, but it does sound like it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's more than an addiction. It's an obsession.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, dear. There's that radio voice again.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, it's horrible. It started about nine years ago.

[Nicole Parker]

I was a very long time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, longer than you thought. I was at a gas station and I just wanted a snack of some kind. And I thought, let me try this. I like cookies and I love cream. Absolutely. And Hershey's has never made a wrong step. As far as I'm concerned.

[Nicole Parker]

They are Unassailable.

[Andy Daly]

So they've been around so long.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They have been. They've got a whole town named after these.

[Nicole Parker]

Sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Very true. I can't think of anything Hershey's done that I've objected to over the years.

[Nicole Parker]

Let's think about it.

[Bret Morris]

Nothing's coming to mind.

[Nicole Parker]

No. All right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. So I says, I'll give that a try. And I didn't get three blocks away before I had to turn back around and get back to that gas station.

[Bret Morris]

Whoa.

[Nicole Parker]

That's. That's instant.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then I. Nowadays I go to Costco. I get them in a box of 48.

[Nicole Parker]

How. I'm afraid to ask this. How quickly can you consume one?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I don't know that I've ever timed myself. But it's. It's as quick as. As quick as three inhales maybe you.

[Nicole Parker]

It's three inhales. Are you not chewing at this point?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I couldn't tell you.

[Bret Morris]

Are these full size bars?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure they are.

[Nicole Parker]

And you're just eating them like a snake?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Uhhuh. Something like that. Like a man eats a snake or like a snake eats a. Something else?

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Bret Morris]

Never occurred to me. Man eating a snake. Snake.

[Nicole Parker]

Did not. Did not occur to me. I'm surprised that. That, that, that statement brought a question back to me that I have to answer.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Same. I eat a Hershey's cookies and cream bar like a man eats a snake. Fast before I can bite you.

[Nicole Parker]

Doubling down on the Manning a snake thing. Wow. This is. Okay, now here's my next question. Do you live with someone? Do you have a family? Do you have a loan? Who is with you? Is there someone? Someone. Is this a secret addiction or is someone aware of this?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, I. I live alone, but it's not a secret addiction. It's one of the first things I tell people when I meet them.

[Nicole Parker]

You're kidding. Why is that?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Daniels. Not dance Daniels. And I can't get enough of those Hershey's cookies and cream bars.

[Nicole Parker]

Now that's so interesting, because he didn't do that here when he introduced himself here.

[Bret Morris]

That's true. That's a great point, Joan.

[Nicole Parker]

Why is that?

[Bret Morris]

Why didn't you do that?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Because I knew we were going to get to it.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, it makes sense. That is going to be the subject of the whole thing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I didn't think I needed it to.

[Nicole Parker]

But yeah, okay, that was my bad. I apologize, cuz.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

One of the things I tell people. Please don't offer me one if you've got one on the premises. Don't let Me see it or know about it?

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, babe, don't. I know that you have some and I know you really want to give him one, but it's not like, you know, feeding an animal or something like that.

[Bret Morris]

Candy stash.

[Nicole Parker]

This is my husband Doug, and he's in a different room.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Andy Daly]

Hey there.

[Nicole Parker]

What, babe?

[Andy Daly]

No, I'm just trying to get it right.

[Bret Morris]

Yeah, she's going through. Are you going through it in your head?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, the name.

[Andy Daly]

Yeah, I'm just. I'm caught in a loop.

[Nicole Parker]

You can just say you.

[Andy Daly]

I'm going is. This is.

[Nicole Parker]

You can just say you. He said he responds to you.

[Andy Daly]

Oh, hi, you, sir.

[Bret Morris]

Would sir be okay?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Nicole Parker]

Sounds nice.

[Andy Daly]

Have you heard of the proper way to taste chocolate? The proper way to taste chocolate?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What do you mean?

[Nicole Parker]

Do you know what just happened? What that sound was? He just ate one.

[Bret Morris]

Did you eat one while we were sitting here?

[Nicole Parker]

It was so fast. I'm right across from him and I saw a flash of white.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I just found one in my shoes.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, not a shoe. Chocolate. I guess because it was melted, it went down really fast.

[Bret Morris]

That makes sense. What is the problem? Nothing on candy bar like a shoe.

[Nicole Parker]

That's right. I heard about this.

[Andy Daly]

I heard this.

[Nicole Parker]

Did you?

[Andy Daly]

You're supposed to look at the chocolate.

[Nicole Parker]

I heard about this. It's cuz he's in that orangery. He thinks it's a farmer in it now.

[Andy Daly]

Yeah, I'm somewhat of a Grover at this point, but you're supposed to look at the chocolate.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, okay, okay.

[Andy Daly]

Admire. You know, front and back, top and bottom.

[Bret Morris]

Admire.

[Andy Daly]

Just really take it in.

[Bret Morris]

Visually, any chocolate in any shape.

[Andy Daly]

This is how you really taste a chocolate conspiracy theory.

[Bret Morris]

So I give you a fast break.

[Andy Daly]

Oh, babe, not everything's a conspiracy theory.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, I know that this is true.

[Andy Daly]

Okay, you take it. You're supposed to admire the snap. Oh, snap it.

[Nicole Parker]

I don't think that chew chocolate would add anything.

[Andy Daly]

Actually, a chocolate bar, you take a bite and you snap it in your mouth.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Andy Daly]

That's how you really.

[Bret Morris]

That's just called chewing.

[Nicole Parker]

You. You realize that this is way more steps than our friend here.

[Andy Daly]

It's a lot of steps. I want to encourage you to savor the cookies and cream.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I couldn't tell you what one of these bars looks then you're supposed to.

[Andy Daly]

You just look, let it sit on your tongue.

[Nicole Parker]

There's more.

[Andy Daly]

And you just let it melt.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, well, who has time for that? For crying out loud?

[Bret Morris]

I have to ask you. This is with the same type of.

[Nicole Parker]

Chocolate or Is this person really wanting to narrow down what type of chocolate.

[Bret Morris]

For a gourmet chocolate bar, like the Hershey bar, it's much like a wine.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. And then you spit it out at the end.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hell, no.

[Andy Daly]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

To a bucket.

[Andy Daly]

You're supposed to let it me melt against the roof of your mouth.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, we are so far beyond this with our friend here. We are so far beyond this. Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm never gonna do any of what I just said.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. So, okay, so then can you explain now that we've established that you have an addiction, you are very aware of it. I mean, I want to get to. If you sought help, but what I first want to get to is. Please, then explain. What part of the addiction is hiding one of the bars under someone's rubble pile?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hiding it is the wrong way to think about it. I'm not hiding it at all. If I wanted to hide it, you wouldn't have seen half of it sticking out of the wood pile. Let me.

[Bret Morris]

It's not about hiding it.

[Nicole Parker]

And I just want to interject. Did he drive into the driveway? Did he pull up in a car?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Drove in.

[Nicole Parker]

All right, so this is all very. Can you make sense of this? So you. You're. You're driving. You pull up in a car and you. And you don't hide it. You place this down there. What. What is that? What is this? What is this?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Actually, I'll be more than happy to explain it to you and Morten. Happy to explain it to Steve. If he had just asked me personally, it would have made perfect sense to him rather than posting it out here.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, okay.

[Bret Morris]

He might have been home.

[Nicole Parker]

He might have been reviewing his ring camera. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Okay. That's another problem. Let's not have those.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, I don't know. I don't know about that, but that. We could. We can. We can discuss that another time. So take me through.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Most of the things people object to in this neighborhood is because it was caught on one of these goddamn cameras. And we never had those before.

[Nicole Parker]

You have no complaints going on.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Here's what.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A Hershey's cookies and cream bar is 220 calories. Oh.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If I walk 1.74 miles at a moderately brisk pace, I'll burn 110 calories.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So what I've done is I've designated a number of areas throughout Dignity falls that are 1.74 miles away from my home.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I place. I'm not hiding. I'm placing.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, well, you want to be able to find Them again.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Exactly. Cookies and cream bars at those specific locations. And then I'll walk the 1.74 miles, burning 110 calories and get the bar, and then I'll walk home. 1.74 miles. 110 calories, for a total of 220 calories I've burned off the bar in the process of getting the bar.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, can I ask a question? Why not maybe just go to a gym and put the bar right in front of you, walk on a treadmill and just eat it and go home?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I won't do that.

[Nicole Parker]

Why?

[Bret Morris]

You're talking, like, dangling from a string in front of the treadmill.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, but I've thought about all. All other options.

[Nicole Parker]

All right, because.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What are you imagining?

[Nicole Parker]

Flip the island, which is impossible.

[Bret Morris]

Please, Dan, calm down.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I can't calm down.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, no, Bert. You did it again.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But my name's not Dan, God damn it. It's Stan Daniels.

[Nicole Parker]

He's so upset, he didn't even catch it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I was so mad about being told to calm down.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm so sorry.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So what you're imagining is I join a gym. Well, all right, sure.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right. And when I go to the gym, what do I do? Do I get changed into my gym clothes Home?

[Nicole Parker]

You could. You could do either. You could change in a locker room there, or you could change at home.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Where is the cookies and cream bar?

[Nicole Parker]

You provide it. You bring it with you from your home.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, I'd eat it on the way there.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, this is a good. This is a good point. Then you leave some in a locker. You leave some in your locker that you have at the gym.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You join a gym that's got a permanent locker there.

[Nicole Parker]

There's such a thing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's got a monthly subscription to a permanent.

[Nicole Parker]

That's correct.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't believe they have it at the Y.

[Nicole Parker]

Probably not.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So I got to join a fancy gym now. Now. And keep the permanent locker stacked with cookies and cream.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, I really see the problem. You're a trapped man.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It is. And it's another problem because if I say. Let's say I go there and I open my permanent locker to take out what, one?

[Nicole Parker]

Sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Cookies and cream bar. But there's more than one in there, right? I'm going to have a bunch of them.

[Nicole Parker]

How many. How many do you get at Costco? Like, what do you get in a.48? Oh, you said 48. Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Box of 48. And then I go right from Costco to the various addresses that I've designated are a mile 74 from my house.

[Nicole Parker]

Why are you worried about. Do you eat anything else other than these chocolate bars? That's another question for you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Not much else.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, no.

[Bret Morris]

I mean, that's not good.

[Nicole Parker]

That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, well, my doctor told me it's not good. I don't need you to tell me that.

[Bret Morris]

I was just going to ask about the doctor. The doctor surely must have said, you have to stop doing this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Absolutely. The doctor said you got. He said, do anything it takes to slow down on these bars.

[Nicole Parker]

But he gave you no actual options. He just said, do anything it takes. And then you took that to mean, I'm going to drive to different houses and partially really hide them under. Under rubble.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm not. I'm not trying to hide.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm sorry. Placing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now a certain amount of hiding comes into play because you don't want somebody else to come along and take it. Because then I'll burn 220 calories walking for nothing.

[Nicole Parker]

I know. I gotta say, I would never reach for a chocolate bar that's just on the street. Ever. Ever.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Really?

[Bret Morris]

I don't think that I would.

[Nicole Parker]

No.

[Bret Morris]

But I don't like to say never.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. That's a fair.

[Bret Morris]

There could be an occasion where I see one and it's. Think, gotta do it.

[Nicole Parker]

Gotta do it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know which one gets taken the most? You'll be surprised. There's a house on Japanese maple that has a beautiful water fountain on the front door. So what I'll do, because it's Exactly a mile 74 from my front door.

[Bret Morris]

That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'll put it in a Ziploc bag with a rock. Oh, and I'll put it in the. In the fountain.

[Bret Morris]

You'll submerge it.

[Nicole Parker]

Submerge it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And the number of times I've gone to find it and it's not there, that's the most surprising one to me because that's.

[Nicole Parker]

That one seems the most sanitary to eat because not only is it in the bag. It's in the bag, man. It's in the bag. Okay. So then my next question is, do you have a job?

[Bret Morris]

Great question, Joan.

[Nicole Parker]

And I want to know how that fits into this addiction.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Steam cleaning.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's my job.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I got a steam cleaner in a van.

[Bret Morris]

Okay. What do you steam clean?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Name something.

[Bret Morris]

Well, I. I honestly.

[Nicole Parker]

Carpets. Curtains.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Carpets, Curtains, Furniture.

[Bret Morris]

I think I forgot for a moment. What A steam cleaner.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, yeah, I think he did.

[Bret Morris]

You know what I was thinking of? A power washer.

[Nicole Parker]

That's what I was thinking. Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Very different thing, my friend.

[Bret Morris]

I know, I know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The steam cleaner operates steam.

[Bret Morris]

I got it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And it cleans things.

[Bret Morris]

Yes, I understand.

[Nicole Parker]

It's right there in the name.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yep.

[Andy Daly]

Can we call you a clean steamer, though?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Don't call me clean Steamer. Wait a minute. Steam cleaner?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, no.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Steener. It's different.

[Bret Morris]

Steener got in there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Steener.

[Bret Morris]

Clean Steener.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. So then. So is your business successful? Is it just you and you door to door? Oh, no, that's not what you want to hear.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's about as successful as it needs to be. I don't advertise.

[Nicole Parker]

Wow. Don't know what that means.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, the steam cleaner and the van are both paid off. You know what I mean? I've got no overhead.

[Bret Morris]

So it's enough to keep you in cookies and cream bars?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, it's more than enough to keep me in cookies and cream.

[Nicole Parker]

And. And really? No family? Are your parents still alive?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, no. My brother and I run the business together.

[Nicole Parker]

He said it like I should have known that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. And he's got a beautiful family. He's a. He's doing wonderful. He's. I don't know if I should tell you his name.

[Bret Morris]

Why not?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

His name is Manuals.

[Bret Morris]

He doesn't say that too, does he?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, he won't say it.

[Bret Morris]

Oh, he won't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I told him that you ought to say it because people are bound to call him Dan Manuels. It's short for manly.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, really?

[Bret Morris]

Wow.

[Nicole Parker]

So your. Your folks named. Who's older? Who's older?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm older. I'm Stanley.

[Nicole Parker]

Right. Oh. Oh, I see. Okay. So to line up with Stanley Manley.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It'S just the two of us. Yeah. We inherited together our father's steam cleaning business.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh. And what was his name?

[Bret Morris]

Which was just a cleaner in the van.

[Nicole Parker]

What was your dad's name?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

His name was Daniels.

[Nicole Parker]

No, Daniel Daniels.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yep. And he said Daniels. Daniels. Feel free to call me Daniels. Daniels.

[Bret Morris]

So what. What does. What does man. What does man think of. Of this addiction that you have? Has he tried to help you?

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, yeah. Well, we've had. He's had staged multiple interventions.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. But. But what am I supposed to do? Like, I'm not stop eating them. Yeah, I know, I know, but there's no. Like, if I show up at a rehab, let's say I go to Promise.

[Bret Morris]

A facility, Malibu, or some kind you can escape from.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, yeah. They'll tell me. They'll tell me. We don't do cookies and cream bars. Won't they.

[Nicole Parker]

Have food addictions? That can be treated.

[Andy Daly]

Do you think you would go through withdrawal symptoms?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I know I would.

[Bret Morris]

Would you go through withdrawal assist?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I would go.

[Nicole Parker]

Listen, if withdrawalis is no joke.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Withdrawal has helped me. I'd go through it. But I've had. Of course I've had withdrawal symptoms. I have dreams, very vivid dreams where the cookies and cream bars are crying out to me.

[Bret Morris]

Now, are you able to sleep through the night or does the addiction wake you up?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, that's such a good question, Bern.

[Bret Morris]

Thank you. You're welcome.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The addiction. You often wakes me up. I get about. I sleep in just in stages. Takes me about 14 hours to get a good eight hours of sleep.

[Nicole Parker]

No.

[Andy Daly]

Wow.

[Bret Morris]

That's not.

[Nicole Parker]

Get your job done then.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

To be honest with you, most of the calls you.

[Nicole Parker]

Two hours.

[Bret Morris]

14 hours to get a good eight hours.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's not efficient. It's poor sleep hygiene. My doctor tells me.

[Bret Morris]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Most of the calls we get for the business I refer over to man.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, so he. He does the job as. As well.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He does most of it. And he also. He has a second job as an attorney. What was your question?

[Bret Morris]

How does he find the time? You say he does most of it. That means you do some of it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure.

[Bret Morris]

So what do you do?

[Nicole Parker]

I think he just eats or cookies and cream bars.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, I'm. Yeah, sure. I'm busy enough just keeping the house clean and getting over to Costco and.

[Nicole Parker]

What makes the house so dirty?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Got a lot of friends.

[Nicole Parker]

You do now, that's important. Is interesting. How do you.

[Bret Morris]

They have not been able to get you to stop doing this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They don't give a really.

[Nicole Parker]

It seems like you. It seems like you're not someone you can make plans with because you have to. You'll say something like, I have to stay home because I have to have another bar.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, no, no. I'm reliably awake and well, yeah, I'm off getting bars a lot of the time.

[Nicole Parker]

Sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But I'm walking around and I'm meeting people and you know, people I see all the time.

[Nicole Parker]

You're driving to people's strangers houses and placing bars. Why.

[Bret Morris]

Why drive there? I. If you. If you place them a certain distance.

[Nicole Parker]

He just walked there. He burned the calories.

[Bret Morris]

Yeah. How far away was. Was Steve's house from your house?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

1.74 miles per second.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. Burns, right? Just drive there. Why drive what?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Just think for one second before you ask me.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm sorry.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What are you picturing? That I'm gonna put a Hershey's cookies and cream bar in my pocket and walk to Steve's house and place it there and walk it. Number one, I'm gonna eat it on the way.

[Nicole Parker]

But you don't eat it in the car on the way. Why don't you eat it in the car on you put in the trunk, Joan.

[Bret Morris]

I started to feel stupid when he was explaining this. I was like, you know what? That was a dumb question. And now what prevents you from eating it in the car?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Nothing does. I have about five of them. As I make my rounds, it's a race against time. I've got a.

[Nicole Parker]

This is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I gotta get these 43 other bars placed before I eat them all.

[Nicole Parker]

They must make.

[Andy Daly]

I thought you'd put them in the trunk.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, that's what I said. That would make sense.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I've tried that. Guess what you can do. Pull over and pop the trunk and walk around the car and grab another one of these bars.

[Nicole Parker]

Have you ever actually made a commitment to try to quit, ever?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Of course I have.

[Nicole Parker]

And what happened?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm telling you, I have these vivid dreams where there's cookies and cream bars and they've got little. I guess they're pants with suspenders.

[Nicole Parker]

Right. Okay. And as much as I want to hear more description.

[Bret Morris]

Oh, they have little outfits.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, they're wearing.

[Nicole Parker]

As much as I want to hear about the dream bars, wardrobe, I want to know. Not about the dreams you had when you quit.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

When you.

[Nicole Parker]

When you quit. Did you, like, try to rid your house of all the bars? You know, did you make it so that the supply. Flush them down the toilet again?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I keep no bars in the house. That's part of the. I never keep bars in the house. They're always. They're stashed about at about 40 different houses. Houses in locations that are a mile and 74.

[Bret Morris]

I have to.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, no. He's not doing well. You're so pale. You're not getting any nutrients, any vitamins.

[Bret Morris]

You're pale with, like, sort of dark specks.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, you have sort of like. They look like sunspots.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's not unusual. My doctor tells me this is not unusual, that you begin to look like a cookies and cream.

[Bret Morris]

If you eat too many carrots, your skin will take on an arm just like that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Science has determined this without a doubt. Whatever it is you're eating too much of, get ready to start looking like it.

[Bret Morris]

So, Stan, you have said that you've suffered withdrawals, but it seems like you have not made, and correct me if I'm wrong, any serious attempts to stop eating them except for occasionally, you will try to not eat one. And then you feel the withdrawals. Like you haven't sought out any kind of counseling or anything like this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know what you're envisioning. You think there's somebody that I could go to who's some sort of an expert in Hershey's cookies and Cream. Cream bars?

[Bret Morris]

Well, there's.

[Nicole Parker]

Tell me experts in there. Listen, people, as we learned from the. What was it? There was reality show. Was it called My Addiction?

[Bret Morris]

My Strange Addiction?

[Nicole Parker]

My Strange Addiction. Right. First of all, you'd be a great candidate for that. I mean, people. Yes.

[Bret Morris]

You really nap. There's people eating couch filling.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. Toilet paper. I mean, you wouldn't believe it. So first of all, baby, watch it. You're gonna feel less.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Real hard to put your couch a mile and 0.74 away from you.

[Nicole Parker]

Can you imagine?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Just about impossible.

[Bret Morris]

All the addictions are eating weird things. Things. Right. Are there any that aren't?

[Nicole Parker]

That's a very good question, Bernt. I only had the two for.

[Andy Daly]

I thought there was one that was like smelling tuna.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, yeah?

[Bret Morris]

Smelling what?

[Andy Daly]

Tuna.

[Nicole Parker]

Tuna.

[Bret Morris]

Smelling tuna.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can I be honest with you?

[Bret Morris]

Addicted to it.

[Andy Daly]

Yeah. Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What. What I'm up to is very normal compared to everything you've told me about here. Eating couch filling and.

[Nicole Parker]

Are you going to let him get away with that? It's very normal. There is nothing normal about. About.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is a product that's for sale and for the purpose of being it.

[Bret Morris]

Of course it is fine.

[Nicole Parker]

The only different. It's for consumption, but not the way you're consuming it. Not at all. And it's in. It's affecting your entire life. And my point is, this show brings in specialists. If there is a specialist for someone who eats a couch, there is a specialist who could. That same specialist could treat your addiction.

[Bret Morris]

He'd be thrilled to see you coming. It's like, oh, just food.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, we got this. We got this. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're saying I'd go to the same guy that handles the couch?

[Bret Morris]

It doesn't have to be.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm not saying. I don't even know if it was a guy. Okay, don't quote me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm not going on that guy.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm just telling you that just because.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why not? Is what this guy does for a living. What does it say on his business card? I'll help you. Stop eating your couch. This is a lunatic.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, you think that's silly because you don't even advertise.

[Bret Morris]

So the person eating the couch Is not a lunatic. But the person who tries to help them not hit the couch. He's the.

[Nicole Parker]

He's the weirdest.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I got more sympathy for the guy eating the couch than the guy who hangs out a shingle to help you stop eating your couch.

[Nicole Parker]

No. You know what? It's so much easier just to throw your hands up and say, well, no one can help me. And then you get to keep on doing your addiction. There is absolutely somebody who could help you. Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't believe.

[Nicole Parker]

And what you would look under is food addiction, because that is what this is, by the way. Doesn't matter.

[Bret Morris]

It doesn't matter.

[Nicole Parker]

It's a food and you're addicted to it, and it is taking over your life.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, okay, fine. Well, who am I supposed to call now? A food. Food addiction.

[Nicole Parker]

Google William.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Food addiction guy. Exactly.

[Bret Morris]

Exactly.

[Nicole Parker]

It's not what you. But you make it sound like it's so preposterous.

[Bret Morris]

There are people that do this.

[Nicole Parker]

You just Google food addiction help. And numbers are going to come up. They're just going to come up. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Bret Morris]

I put an exclamation mark again. Let me ask you. Stan Daniels. Let me ask you this. When. When you're. You say you have a lot of friends and they've staged multiple interventions.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

And yet they're What. They're all down with. But that's also. They seem okay with. With it.

[Bret Morris]

They've remained friends with them.

[Nicole Parker]

Exactly.

[Bret Morris]

So there's no ultimatums.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, exactly. Like, what is. What is the price to pay in these interventions?

[Bret Morris]

This is what I'm asking.

[Nicole Parker]

Don't say we'll stop being your friend.

[Bret Morris]

What goes down at these.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What goes down the inter.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'll be. I can tell when I walk.

[Nicole Parker]

It was such a good question.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What goes down at the intervention? I can tell when I walk in that not everyone in the room is taking it seriously.

[Nicole Parker]

Really?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What gives you that indication that people are smiling and there's a spread of food and sometimes there's a dj.

[Nicole Parker]

Really? That's such an interesting choice. He might have a point.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sometimes there's balloons. Because balloons. It's hard to get everybody on the same page. That the purpose of this is to get this guy to stop eating Hershey's cookies and cream because. And a lot of the time people will bring them for me.

[Nicole Parker]

Enabling. My gosh, that's terrible.

[Bret Morris]

You have to specify what the addiction is.

[Nicole Parker]

You really do. You really do.

[Bret Morris]

Intervention.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I think. I think when you say. When you say somebody, we're going to Have a group meeting, and we're going to surprise Stan and we're going to all ask him to please stop eating so many Hershey's cookies and cream bars. If that's the information you convey to somebody, I don't blame them for showing up with a bag of cookies and cream bars in a balloon and hiring a dj. It doesn't sound like a serious affair.

[Bret Morris]

Okay, so you. Okay, all right, now your sort of stance is, yeah, I have an addiction to these things. I cannot stop eating them, but I can't get help because it just sounds silly.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, that's exactly right. And that is just an excuse.

[Bret Morris]

It's just an excuse.

[Nicole Parker]

It's just an excuse.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But you know what? I've actually figured out a way to manage my problem here. I have none of these cookies and cream bars in the home, none in the car. They are all 1.74 miles away from my front door right now. I currently have 21 of them out there.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, but you buy them in a 48 pack. So then where are the others?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I've eaten them. I've eaten them between when I put them down and when. And now.

[Nicole Parker]

So when you buy them from Costco, you go straight into the delivery system?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You bet I do.

[Andy Daly]

And you. Can I ask a question?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Uhhuh.

[Andy Daly]

You walk from your home to each cookies and cream bar, and then you walk back home and then to the.

[Nicole Parker]

No, he drives. He drives.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, I drive to put them.

[Bret Morris]

He drives to plant.

[Andy Daly]

To plant them. He walks to eat them. Yes, but I'm saying you don't go from one cookies and cream bar to the next one. You go home first.

[Nicole Parker]

That's what I want to know. We actually. Good question, babe, because we hadn't discussed that yet.

[Andy Daly]

Spoke system.

[Nicole Parker]

Do you go and pick them all up or will you actually. You brought broke him. There's. I think something's happening on his face.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I never thought about this, because you.

[Andy Daly]

Could just keep each.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Each bar is mile 0.74 from my front door, but each bar is not.

[Nicole Parker]

A mile 0.74 from each other. Equidistant from each other. Oh. Oh, no.

[Andy Daly]

This isn't necessarily wrong. I'm just wondering.

[Bret Morris]

Wait. I also assumed you were going. You were walking, walking back.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I am, I am, but now I'm not going to. Now that you've pointed that out.

[Nicole Parker]

So what are you going to do now?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's true. I'll tell you, I've never thought about this before, but you're right. I can walk a mile 74 to get one bar.

[Bret Morris]

Right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then I might be able to walk another 500ft to get another one.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Bret Morris]

And you'll just be that close together.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't even. I don't know. Yeah, a bunch of them are close.

[Andy Daly]

Oh, I see. Now you're gonna.

[Bret Morris]

Son of a. I was really picturing, like, like, your home is the center and, like. Like, radiating out like sunbeams.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's what it's like.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, but.

[Bret Morris]

But as far apart as you see sunbeams depicted in a sort of cartoon.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, it's not as the crow flies, because I am not a crow. It's got to be. You know, I got to take roads to get there.

[Nicole Parker]

It's more like a bubble in a cartoon than the. The triangular part where the bubble starts in his house and then it just goes out from there in a big loop.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know what? It's like.

[Nicole Parker]

We've talked on this podcast about how we see things in our heads of the bubble. You know, the pointy part. You know, where it's coming out of their mouth.

[Bret Morris]

I. I was thinking of the thought bubble.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, I know. I know. What are we.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

K. Jones?

[Bret Morris]

Sorry.

[Nicole Parker]

Listen, we have lost the plot.

[Bret Morris]

She's turning us against each other.

[Nicole Parker]

We are rearranging the. The Hershey bars on the Titanic. Okay. Because honestly, this is the same problem.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There were Hershey bars on the Titanic, by the way.

[Nicole Parker]

Were there really?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's how long Hershey's been around? Sure. Not cookies and cream.

[Nicole Parker]

Short.

[Bret Morris]

Relatively new invention.

[Nicole Parker]

Right, but we're just. Re. You get what we're saying? We're not trying to help him stop his addiction. We're just trying to help him sort of rearrange his addiction right now, and I'm not interested in doing that.

[Bret Morris]

Well, that's Doug's fault. Doug. Doug introduced that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I got a problem now. My whole system doesn't work anymore. Thank you very much. Fella in the orangery. I.

[Nicole Parker]

His name is Doug.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hey, Doug.

[Andy Daly]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now I'm gonna. I'm gonna hit, like, 10 of them on the way home from one of them. This ruins everything. Everything.

[Bret Morris]

Okay, let me ask you this. Do you want to stop doing this? It doesn't sound like you do. It seems like you're perfectly content to go on living this way.

[Nicole Parker]

I don't know. Does he seem happy? First of all, he's dying.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, but the doctor says. Yeah, he says I have acute cookies and cream poisoning.

[Nicole Parker]

He has accp.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I don't have long.

[Andy Daly]

Is the cookies and cream.

[Nicole Parker]

He has full blown accp.

[Bret Morris]

Oh, no.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, he didn't use that term, but yeah, probably. It's a cube, I'll tell you that.

[Bret Morris]

Do you feel physically terrible in any way? Because I can't imagine you wouldn't.

[Nicole Parker]

He talks like he does. He doesn't sound. He sounds.

[Bret Morris]

He sounds very robust.

[Nicole Parker]

But he also sounds cranky and upset. You know, like you're, like you're. Like you're. Like you're carrying a terrible burden, huh?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, yeah. No, everything hurts.

[Nicole Parker]

Sure does. Your bones must be brittle at this point, probably.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, it's a decent amount of calcium from the cream. The cream.

[Nicole Parker]

I guess that's true. I picked the wrong body part to go after.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The bones are great. I got top notch bones. Can't touch my bones. It's the blood, the internal organs, it's everything else.

[Bret Morris]

The, I'm going to say vision, probably.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, for sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

My vision's taking a real hit, that's for sure. There's been hair loss and.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, no.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Sense of smell is not holding up.

[Nicole Parker]

See, he's not okay. He's not happy.

[Bret Morris]

You're not okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Probably not. No, no. I'll go ahead and agree with that. I'm not okay.

[Andy Daly]

What if you just cut out the cookie part? Just started the green slowly. Yeah, just.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How am I going to.

[Nicole Parker]

First of all, cookie's doing a lot of heavy lifting in that phrase there because it certainly is not an actual cookie of any kind.

[Bret Morris]

It's more process cream and discoloring.

[Nicole Parker]

Correct?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What are you talking about?

[Andy Daly]

I'm sure they take a cookie and.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They crunch it up and they mix it in there with the delicious cream flavored chocolate.

[Nicole Parker]

Do you think maybe it would help if you like, went to Hershey where they're made, and, and if he really just walks into the belly of the beast and sees how it's made, maybe it'll just lose its luster. I don't know.

[Bret Morris]

I don't think if he can stand that taste. I don't think seeing how it's processed is going to do anything to dissuade him.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That idea makes me think of the film Leaving Las Vegas. I would do that at the end.

[Nicole Parker]

I remember so little of that movie except for it depressed the hell out of me.

[Bret Morris]

You would go to the factory and you would eat yourself to death.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's what I would do if I decided it was time to end it. I'd go straight for Hershey, Pennsylvania.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. Okay.

[Bret Morris]

Do you know what's really funny about that movie Leaving Las Vegas? Is that this, this guy is drinking himself to death. He's drunk 24 hours a day. Somehow able to maintain an erection long enough.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh.

[Bret Morris]

To. To father a child. Elizabeth Shue decides I. This guy is great. I should definitely continue his bloodline.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

These genetics are top notch.

[Bret Morris]

Gotta get in on this.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, speaking of that, do you have any. I mean, you probably don't have any chance to have any kind of romantic life or partnership of any kind?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, not really. Wouldn't say so.

[Bret Morris]

Doesn't that bother you? I mean, is. You don't.

[Nicole Parker]

It's got to be a very lonely life.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I like to maintain a certain mystique. You know, Nobody can get so close. It's that kind of thing. People wonder.

[Nicole Parker]

I think that's just. That's a lot of pain talking is what that is. That's a lot of pain talking. No, I really hate it when I don't feel like we've helped someone. Even after all of this.

[Bret Morris]

I really. I mean, Stan, it really seems like you're not willing to take any steps to stop doing this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'll take it. I'll take 1.74 miles a day.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, that's not what he means. He means.

[Bret Morris]

You know what I mean.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What do you. What would you have me do? Call a food addiction fella?

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, that's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Explain to him about my thing and understand.

[Nicole Parker]

I would love to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What is he gonna do? What's this guy gonna to do?

[Nicole Parker]

He will help you.

[Bret Morris]

Yes, he has met.

[Nicole Parker]

It's his job.

[Bret Morris]

It's his job. Exactly.

[Andy Daly]

Have you ever seen the show Scared Straight?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm familiar with the Scared Straight.

[Andy Daly]

It's kind of like that program.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Great show.

[Andy Daly]

But I'm not shoving you against the.

[Nicole Parker]

Wall, you know, that's why I'm ruin baby. We're trying to get him to go. This is not going to help. I'm not going to shove anybody. Okay?

[Bret Morris]

They don't shove.

[Nicole Parker]

Right. They don't. He won't shove you. She won't shove you. They won't shove you. Okay. Whoever this person is. All right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why would Doug say that if it wasn't true?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, boy. Doug says a lot of trouble.

[Andy Daly]

I thought maybe you'd like.

[Bret Morris]

I feel like you're more inclined to trust Doug because he fits your narrative.

[Nicole Parker]

That's right. That's so right.

[Andy Daly]

All right, well, look.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, gosh. I mean, we wish you luck.

[Bret Morris]

You know what? I've never done this before. I don't wish you luck.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, no.

[Bret Morris]

I think you're very stubborn.

[Nicole Parker]

I feel like you have done it before.

[Bret Morris]

This is a ridiculous addiction. That you could very easily, easily pure with. With a little tiny bit of help if you would take.

[Nicole Parker]

All right, we've. Bert's upset.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'll tell you what. Here's. I'll guarantee you this.

[Nicole Parker]

Here's all.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, but it's 20. 20 what? 5.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, boy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

By the end of this year, I will either call a food addiction guy or head to Hershey, Pennsylvania.

[Nicole Parker]

I don't love the going.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

One or the other by the end of 2025.

[Bret Morris]

Thanks for that. Guaranteed.

[Nicole Parker]

So good. And then there was an either.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, if the staff status quo is so upsetting to you guys, I'll do one or the other thing.

[Bret Morris]

Well, you're not going to do the food addiction. I know that you're not going to.

[Nicole Parker]

I mean, you know what? Now, now that. Now that these neighbors know, they might be watching out for you to place your bars and they might take them, you know, and sort of try to help you out here. Take them from you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That would be bad.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, it would be bad until then. It would all of a sudden be great. You know what? Like, there's a whole world out there.

[Bret Morris]

If the withdrawal is just having dreams where they are anthropomorphized, I think you can get crying out to you.

[Nicole Parker]

You can't.

[Andy Daly]

They're crying out to be eaten.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, crying out to be eaten.

[Nicole Parker]

Doug, you are not helping. You are not helping.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, that's the Jets. Yeah. I could put.

[Andy Daly]

I'm fascinated by dreams every night for.

[Nicole Parker]

The rest of my life.

[Bret Morris]

All right.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, all right, all right, all right.

[Bret Morris]

I hope, I hope.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Bret Morris]

That you will get help. Stop doing this same.

[Nicole Parker]

Please do. Because you know what? I think you're a lovely man. I really do. You're a lovely person. You undercut me. Every time I try to do that.

[Bret Morris]

I was just so taken aback.

[Nicole Parker]

Just wait till he's gone. Save it for the third segment.

[Bret Morris]

Tell it to the horse.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, that's an old dignity false saying.

[Bret Morris]

Well, we got to let you go, Stan. And I think I know what you're going to do right after this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I am. Unfortunately, your house is about a mile 74 from my house.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, boy.

[Bret Morris]

Everyone check your homes. If you're listening. Listening in dignity falls. Check your homes to see if there's half hidden cookies and cream bars.

[Nicole Parker]

Half placed. Half placed.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I put a lot of them in guttered downspouts. FYI.

[Bret Morris]

Hey, if you're an evil clown, we'll be back with the neighbor listen when the neighbor listen returns.

[Nicole Parker]

Hello, this is Yvonne. A handmade painting, one of a Kind son in quotation marks. Sun 499. Now, it's gorgeous. Very artistic and unique. Handmade and painted of this sun, capitalized sun S U N. It is not anything else. It is definitely the sun. It's 12 inches around. Ready for hanging. I cannot tell you how ready for hanging this is. Owner paid 5.99. But to leave the country. Now, listen, that last part. You do not have to worry about it. In fact, you might say, why did you even include it? I probably shouldn't have included it because now you're wondering, why did he have to leave the country? Did it have something to do with the one of a kind son? No. No. It had nothing to do with it. But we do need to move it fast. So if you would like a one of a kind son that is absolutely not entangled in some sort of global crime scheme. Absolutely not. Please come get it. Please come now. Thank you.

[Bret Morris]

Welcome back to the neighborhood. Listen, that guy.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, boy.

[Bret Morris]

I don't. I didn't care for that guy.

[Nicole Parker]

I just. I kind of just wish I never met him.

[Bret Morris]

He was so. Joan. I couldn't agree more. He was so.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm going to think about it. It's. It's.

[Bret Morris]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

It got under my skin. You know what I mean?

[Bret Morris]

He comes in here.

[Nicole Parker]

He's so upsetting, so combative. So combative.

[Bret Morris]

I couldn't even call it. Defensive. He was. He was aggressive.

[Nicole Parker]

He was. He was aggressive.

[Bret Morris]

Like we were the weird ones.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. And even though he's the first guest we've ever had that just started talking as far away from the microphone as possible, that was.

[Bret Morris]

Why was he doing that?

[Andy Daly]

I think that's the cookie.

[Bret Morris]

He saw us.

[Nicole Parker]

You're probably right.

[Andy Daly]

That's cognitive issues.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. You're probably right.

[Bret Morris]

I. I know. I won't. I. I will give this guy.

[Nicole Parker]

I cut him no slack if anything burnt is always one who won't give our gu the benefit of the doubt.

[Andy Daly]

I have an idea for you.

[Bret Morris]

What doubt is there? This weirdo comes in here and says, I'm hiding candy bars all over the place. The most disgusting candy bar, by the way.

[Nicole Parker]

That is the tagline that the boys want for the show. For Mr. Doubtfire. Give her the benefit of the doubt. I didn't come up with it.

[Bret Morris]

No, of course not.

[Andy Daly]

I have an idea, not rolling my eyes of what you said for all of us.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Andy Daly]

Just to clear this.

[Bret Morris]

You weren't helping Doug, by the way.

[Andy Daly]

Sorry. I was asking genuine questions. I can see now that weren't helpful.

[Bret Morris]

You were Asking genuine questions the way Joe Rogan does.

[Andy Daly]

On the count of three. Oh, we all say, Dan Daniels.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, I like it. I like it.

[Bret Morris]

To purge it.

[Nicole Parker]

To get correct.

[Andy Daly]

Yeah. Just to stick it.

[Nicole Parker]

To stick it to him. Yeah, Just like.

[Bret Morris]

And then afterwards, we'll say, clean steamer.

[Andy Daly]

Clean steamer.

[Nicole Parker]

Great. Let's do it.

[Bret Morris]

Why? We. We'll say, dan Daniels, the clean steamer.

[Nicole Parker]

Great. Okay.

[Andy Daly]

Love it.

[Nicole Parker]

Here we go. Go. You can count as in.

[Bret Morris]

I'll count as in eating his cream.

[Nicole Parker]

No. No chocolate. It's too many.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's too.

[Nicole Parker]

It's too much.

[Bret Morris]

We had it.

[Andy Daly]

He hated that we had it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Daniel.

[Nicole Parker]

I can barely remember it. Wait. No, no. So we're saying.

[Andy Daly]

I have pitch Daniels.

[Nicole Parker]

Wait, he's pitching things.

[Bret Morris]

Okay.

[Andy Daly]

Dan Daniels, the clean, clean steamer, eating his Hershey's white chocolate.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, okay.

[Bret Morris]

You're trying to make a little Miss Muffin.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, but now you got me into it. What you should say is hiding. Because he hated it when we said everything. Why am I participating?

[Andy Daly]

Why am I doing just hiding his white chocolate?

[Bret Morris]

I mean, he sucks you in.

[Nicole Parker]

He does. He sure does.

[Bret Morris]

But the. The rhythm of it is now off. It's not the same.

[Nicole Parker]

That's right. No, I chuck a lip that. See, you did it, too. We can't help ourselves.

[Andy Daly]

Let's do that.

[Nicole Parker]

So now it is. It is Dan Daniels, the clean steamer.

[Andy Daly]

Hiding his white chocolate.

[Nicole Parker]

We said it, right? I think that we did it. Yeah.

[Bret Morris]

We don't have to count down. Oh, that's great. We saved ourselves some time.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, phew.

[Bret Morris]

Take that, Stan.

[Andy Daly]

Daniel, I was thinking about Hershey's and how, you know, this is great history of this. This company.

[Nicole Parker]

Is it a great.

[Bret Morris]

No. Every company that's been around for over 100 years has a great history.

[Nicole Parker]

No skeletons in that. That closet.

[Andy Daly]

I was thinking that no one else has even attempted the Hershey's kiss, right?

[Bret Morris]

That's not true.

[Nicole Parker]

How do you know it's another kiss?

[Bret Morris]

Well, there. There's.

[Nicole Parker]

There's another.

[Bret Morris]

There's things that are not that exact shape, but it's the same sort of. It's the same sort of amount of chocolate in a little.

[Andy Daly]

Well, if it's a ball, it doesn't count.

[Bret Morris]

But it's not a ball. Okay, I'm thinking. Here's what I'm thinking.

[Nicole Parker]

You're right. The same. There's not. There's no shape like the Hershey's.

[Bret Morris]

There's not like.

[Nicole Parker]

No, I think that is a patented shape, I guess, because look.

[Bret Morris]

Right. Rectangle.

[Nicole Parker]

Sure.

[Bret Morris]

You can't own rectangle you can't own rectangle.

[Andy Daly]

It's public domain at this point.

[Bret Morris]

But I remember. Here's what I'm remembering is when I was a kid, Brach's candy.

[Nicole Parker]

B, R, A, C H. Yes, yes, sure.

[Bret Morris]

They would make chocolate stars and they were sort of the equivalent of a Hershey's Kiss. Not the same shape, of course, but it was like the same amount of bite sized concentrated chocolate.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Andy Daly]

Do you remember when Marlboro put out those cigarette flavored chocolates?

[Bret Morris]

I do.

[Nicole Parker]

All right.

[Andy Daly]

We used to get into those. Yeah, I think we were test market.

[Bret Morris]

Get into them.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Bret Morris]

Oh, do you think they didn't have them anywhere else outside of Dignity Falls?

[Andy Daly]

I never heard people talk about that's.

[Bret Morris]

I just assumed they were all over the place.

[Andy Daly]

I don't think so.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Andy Daly]

They were so expensive.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's so expensive.

[Bret Morris]

They only got more expensive. Heavily taxed.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, we have one more post.

[Bret Morris]

Joan, what is that post?

[Nicole Parker]

Well, this post comes from someone named Peter and it is. I think I'm going to. I think I'm going to read the post first. It's confusing either way. It says, lost dog found a small white cockatoo in parentheses, question, question mark about two hours ago. No tag or collar. Here's a picture of a rough looking little white dog. But my question is, is he like, is he asking did I find a dog or did I find a cockatoo? Is he confused because what does this mean?

[Bret Morris]

Here's what I think he is trying to think of. Cockapoo.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, wow. But that's a real. I mean it's such a common cockatoo. It's not, it's not, it's not hard. You think it's a miss.

[Bret Morris]

It's also a typo if you have a picture you don't need to try to take.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm also just trying to hold this picture in a way that I could make this look like a cockatoo. I mean, sort of, you know, when, like now you're trying to fool me. You know when people post those pictures of like, I can't believe there's only three people in this picture. Or, you know, or like someone's arm look like it's coming out of their crotch or whatever. You know all these optical illusions that happen.

[Bret Morris]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

And I'm tired of those because, you know, some of some will be like, like when see it and it's like, well, first of all, you know, how is anyone going to track that? Like, you know how long it took you to like it?

[Bret Morris]

There was One that I just never got. And it sort of bothered me, but at first it bothered me that I didn't get it, and then it bothered me that I was. It was taking up my time.

[Nicole Parker]

Which one was it?

[Bret Morris]

I can't remember, but I forget what you were supposed to. It was even something that. I don't think they gave you a hint as to what you were supposed to see. It was like, when you see it, you'll see it. And I. I'm just staring at this dumb picture.

[Nicole Parker]

You know what I also hate is that then all those people who were like, this is the equivalent of the people back in the day of voicemail used to go, hello? Ah, just kidding. I'm not. There is those people in the comments who are like, here's the real story. And then it says story below. And it's. There's no link because they're just messing with you. There's actually no story. I hate that.

[Bret Morris]

Imagine if you were in some sort of emergency and you called someone up and you got that. Like, imagine there's blood coming out of you.

[Nicole Parker]

Got you.

[Bret Morris]

Anyway, leave a message. And then the message is your death rattle.

[Nicole Parker]

That would help me for life if I was that person.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Me too.

[Nicole Parker]

I can't believe that it's still. To be honest, I still have some friends in my life who. Who have their voicemail like that. No, I'm not kidding.

[Bret Morris]

Have they just forgotten that it's, like, possible.

[Nicole Parker]

It's possible. Yeah. And I fall for it every time now.

[Bret Morris]

My voice, my outgoing voice message. I try to be very articulate and, you know, straight shooter.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Bret Morris]

As you know, it says. Well, I'll just. I'll play it for you.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, yeah, just play it.

[Bret Morris]

Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. Wait, how are you gonna play it? Should I call you so that we can. How are you gonna play it?

[Bret Morris]

Yeah, you call me and I'm gonna call you. I'll talk to the microphone.

[Nicole Parker]

All right. Calling. Burnt. It's ringing.

[Bret Morris]

Oh, it's you.

[Nicole Parker]

Don't answer it.

[Bret Morris]

All right, now listen to this. Hello, you've reached Burnt. Peter Miapede. I am unable to take your call because I am doing something that requires my attention elsewhere. If you would like to leave a message, you may do so once you hear the specific tone that will play when my voice stops. If you don't want to leave a message, that is also your right. You could always just hang up at any time if you want to leave a message, but you don't have time to listen to all of this, then you may call back at any time. Or text me and say I wanted to leave you a message, but your outgoing voice message was too long. Right.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. Oh, I was about to leave you a message.

[Bret Morris]

No.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, it's okay. It's okay.

[Bret Morris]

It's funny because we're right across the room.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, that was when you said straight shooter. I didn't picture that. You know, something so long.

[Bret Morris]

I laid it all out there.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, you really did.

[Bret Morris]

Gave everyone options.

[Nicole Parker]

Sure, sure. Although I'm surprised it let you record such a long message.

[Bret Morris]

I had to pay extra for that.

[Nicole Parker]

You know, that happens when you leave a message and you find yourself talking over yourself and then it just goes. If you can, you hang up if you want to. You know that it just comes in and lets you know that you just talked for way too long. Do you know how often that happens to me? Oh, it's so embarrassing.

[Bret Morris]

And then it's. It's sort of like, well, do I do that all again? Or do I just leave the cutoff message and feel like a fool and sound like one, too? Yeah, and sound like one, too.

[Nicole Parker]

I almost sing now, you know, of course, if you ever heard mine. I mean, I sing mine. Do you want to call?

[Bret Morris]

Oh, I haven't heard it. You always pick up.

[Nicole Parker]

It's true.

[Andy Daly]

I'll call it right now.

[Nicole Parker]

If you know anything about me, I'll always pick up.

[Bret Morris]

Calling Joan P.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, yeah, here it goes. Okay, I'm not gonna answer it. It's Joan. Joan. You got Joan's phone. But now you're sitting here all alone. Cuz I'm gone, gone, gone, gone. And you'll have to call back sometime.

[Bret Morris]

That's lovely.

[Andy Daly]

I love that.

[Bret Morris]

I love that. Am I leaving a message right now?

[Andy Daly]

Yes, you.

[Bret Morris]

Oh, I love it.

[Nicole Parker]

But you know what? I'm gonna say that because I love that. It's a little compliment.

[Bret Morris]

It's lovely. Goodbye, Joan.

[Andy Daly]

You ever heard mine?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, you know what? I haven't heard Doug's. Ever.

[Bret Morris]

Doug, I didn't know you had a phone.

[Andy Daly]

Oh, really?

[Bret Morris]

Yeah.

[Andy Daly]

Yeah.

[Bret Morris]

I don't. I don't have your number.

[Andy Daly]

Oh, I'll give it to you.

[Bret Morris]

Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

We're just always here, you know? We don't ever call each other.

[Andy Daly]

Yeah, call me up, man.

[Bret Morris]

We haven't hung out.

[Andy Daly]

We text a lot, keep it off, but.

[Bret Morris]

Right.

[Nicole Parker]

Always.

[Bret Morris]

Okay. I don't need it then.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, let's hear it, babe. Okay, I'll call you. I'll call you. Because Burnt doesn't have.

[Bret Morris]

I don't. And turns out I don't need It.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, here we go.

[Andy Daly]

Is this you? You're calling me? Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

What does it come up as? Does it say unknown caller? Did you not put me in your phone?

[Andy Daly]

Hold on.

[Bret Morris]

Is CH not in your phone yet?

[Nicole Parker]

Wow, this is so upsetting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, she is.

[Andy Daly]

She is. She is. I don't have a fancy phone that says the name.

[Bret Morris]

Oh, yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Andy Daly]

All right.

[Bret Morris]

Here we go. You have the arachnid, right? It's like the discount jitterbug, right?

[Nicole Parker]

Well, it's ringing a long time before.

[Andy Daly]

Here it is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Here it's.

[Bret Morris]

So. It's. It's a sneeze. You're gearing up to sneeze, and then instead of, achoo, it's the beep.

[Nicole Parker]

When you went to leave the message, did you actually have to sneeze, or is that on purpose? Because I could see both scenarios.

[Andy Daly]

Yes, I. What happened was I went to leave the message. I had a real one in mind.

[Nicole Parker]

You. You had a real message in mind? Not a real sneeze in mind?

[Andy Daly]

No, and I did.

[Bret Morris]

I'm thinking about sneezing.

[Andy Daly]

I. I had a message in mind. I had a big sneeze, then you thought. And then it. I was like, oh, that's a pretty good one.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Andy Daly]

And then I had to wait till I got another sneeze.

[Nicole Parker]

You couldn't just.

[Bret Morris]

Sneeze. Did sound very real.

[Nicole Parker]

That's so d. That's so did be like, well, I'm in for the day until I get another sneeze, because I'm got to see this through.

[Andy Daly]

And I don't believe in getting pepper and.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, you don't believe in it? He doesn't believe in it.

[Andy Daly]

No, I want a real sneeze.

[Nicole Parker]

Wait, I was just going to ask. Did you do something to induce the sneeze, but you just simply waited, huh? And it just came.

[Bret Morris]

Just waited.

[Nicole Parker]

I don't know that I've ever waited for a sneak.

[Bret Morris]

Just with phone in hand.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Andy Daly]

Clear my schedule.

[Nicole Parker]

That's what he said. He stayed in for the day.

[Andy Daly]

All right.

[Nicole Parker]

That was fun.

[Bret Morris]

That was fun. What a fun time. I'm glad that erased the horrific time we had with idiot Stone Daniels. Well, thank you all for listening. We'll be back next week. Remember, you can follow us on socials theneighborhoodlisten. You can write to [e-mail] and if you want to hear our bonus episodes, you go to cbbworld.com sign up for the Maximus Tier. What. What do you get? You get things like our movie.

[Nicole Parker]

Watch alongs which there are sure to be some coming up.

[Bret Morris]

You get, you know, we, we sometimes visit with previous guests. You get, we get other people's podcasts.

[Nicole Parker]

From still don't understand how it happens.

[Bret Morris]

Don't understand how that happens. But it's a wonderful extra content that is available to you at the maximus.

[Andy Daly]

Tier cbb world.com we had a dinner at Sizzlers we had a dinner at Sizzlers.

[Nicole Parker]

Gabby Sizzlers. Well, if you count the two. If you count the two, the other one's just around the corner.

[Bret Morris]

Goodbye and bye.

[Nicole Parker]

All of the posts used in this episode were real. Only some geographical specifics have been changed.

[Bret Morris]

The Neighborhood Listen is hosted and produced by me Paul F. Tompkins and me.

[Andy Daly]

Nicole Parker and me Bret Morris.

[Nicole Parker]

This episode's guest was played by Andy Daly.

[Bret Morris]

The Neighborhood Listen is a production of Comedy Bang Bang world.

[Nicole Parker]

Go to cbbworld.com to unlock the entire history of the show. Ad free as well as brand new full list length bonus room episodes exclusive to Maxima subscribers. Your support keeps the show going. Are you looking for a new job or want a career change? Look no further than monster.com need a little help standing out? Our expert resume writing services will make sure you shine. Want to brush up on your interview skills? Engage with our AI Interview Prep tool. Want some advice on negotiating your new salary? Visit our salary tools and extensive library of career advice articles and you'll have all the tips and tricks you'll need to succeed. Visit monster.com today and take the first step towards your career. Monster.com find your right job fit.