I Need To Sell My House Now w/ Artoun Nazareth

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Neighborhood Listen
Episode: "I Need To Sell My House Now" featuring Artoun Nazareth
Release Date: June 3, 2025

---

Introduction

In this episode of The Neighborhood Listen, hosts Paul F. Tompkins (Burnt Millipede), Nicole Parker (Joan Pedestrian), and Brett Morris (Doug) delve into a pressing issue affecting one of their fellow Dignity Falls residents. The episode focuses on Tracy, portrayed by Artoun Nazareth, who urgently needs to sell his house following the unexpected arrest of his real estate agent by the FBI.

---

Guest Introduction

[31:21] Paul F. Tompkins:
"Welcome once again to the Neighborhood Listen. This is the podcast that explores the neighborhood of Dignity Falls through the eyes of its residents, of which I am one. My name is Bert Miape. I'm the pharmacist in chief at the Dignity Falls Museum. With me, as always, is Bert."

Note: There appears to be a slight confusion in the transcript regarding the introduction of Bert and Nicole, but Tracy's introduction occurs shortly after.

---

Main Discussion

[31:38] Tracy (Artoun Nazareth):
"My real estate agent was arrested by the FBI for some matters. I need to sell my house now."

Tracy's sudden appearance raises immediate concerns among the hosts. Nicole, being the top realtor in Dignity Falls, takes the lead in questioning Tracy about the nature of his predicament.

[32:18] Nicole Parker:
"Why are you so worried about the government listening to you talk on this podcast?"

Tracy reveals unsettling details about his involvement in relocating individuals who have "skeletons in their closet." This covert operation aims to discreetly remove residents whose hidden pasts could disrupt the community fabric.

[35:11] Nicole Parker:
"Are you afraid that Dick Van Dyke is going to come after you? Or do you feel like somehow you were in any way guilty of what he was involved in?"

Tracy admits to being implicated alongside his agent, Dick Van Dyke, suggesting a broader conspiracy:

[35:22] Tracy:
"I've been in cahoots with a lot of different figures."

The conversation intensifies as Tracy discusses the illegal services he provides, such as covering up accidents and fixing cars post-incident. His role as a "fixer" becomes evident, drawing parallels to infamous real-life figures involved in similar activities.

[36:03] Bert Miape:
"What do you get out of it? It's a lot of bitcoin."

Tracy explains that his operations are financially motivated, with payments made in cryptocurrencies like Bitcoin, indicating a desire to remain anonymous and untraceable.

[45:01] Nicole Parker:
"You never love that poetically, too."

The discussion takes a dark turn as Tracy confesses to having physically harmed someone by severing his nose, revealing the extent of his ruthless methods.

[54:12] Tracy:
"They're not happy. Why? Do you think I'm seeing them cordially?"

Despite the gravity of his actions, Tracy remains unapologetic, emphasizing his commitment to his role in maintaining the neighborhood's facade.

---

Host Reactions and Conclusions

Nicole expresses deep concern over Tracy's revelations, questioning his moral compass and the implications for his family. The hosts grapple with the ethical dilemma of addressing Tracy's illegal activities while maintaining the podcast's community-oriented focus.

[59:09] Nicole Parker:
"I hate this. I hate this for your kids. I don't like this at all."

Ultimately, the hosts decide that they cannot assist Tracy in his endeavors, advising him to leave Dignity Falls to avoid further complications. The episode culminates in a tense standoff, with Tracy preparing to make his exit amid mounting suspicions.

---

Notable Quotes

• Tracy:
  "[35:16] 'Look, I'll say this. My time is coming and so I can...'"

• Nicole Parker:
  "[44:43] 'You don't want any money involved with this. I think you should leave and you're going to have to start a life someplace else.'"

• Tracy:
  "[38:30] 'I'm a fixer. Where do you think Felicity learned it from?'"

• Bert Miape:
  "[57:27] 'What is wrong with the house?'"

---

Insights and Themes

1. Moral Ambiguity:
   Tracy embodies the classic anti-hero, operating in morally gray areas to maintain community harmony. His actions raise questions about the lengths to which individuals will go to preserve societal norms.

2. Community and Secrets:
   The episode highlights how hidden secrets within a community can necessitate extreme measures, fostering an environment of distrust and suspicion.

3. Consequences of Illegal Activities:
   Tracy's imminent need to flee underscores the inevitable repercussions of engaging in illicit operations, regardless of their intended community benefits.

4. Ethical Journalism:
   The hosts navigate the delicate task of reporting Tracy's story without exacerbating the situation, balancing their role as community narrators with ethical considerations.

---

Conclusions

The Neighborhood Listen delivers a gripping narrative that intertwines humor with dark undertones, reflecting the complexities of maintaining an idyllic community facade. Tracy's desperate plea to sell his house serves as a catalyst for revealing underlying tensions and secrets within Dignity Falls. The hosts' decision to distance themselves from Tracy underscores their commitment to ethical storytelling, even when faced with unsettling truths.

This episode invites listeners to ponder the balance between community solidarity and individual morality, leaving them eager to explore further mysteries of Dignity Falls in upcoming episodes.

Transcript

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The new McCrispy strip is here. Dip approved by Ketchup, Tangy barbecue, Honey mustard, honey mustard, Sprite, McFlurry, Big Mac sauce, Double dipped in buffalo and ranch, More ranch and creamy chili. McCrispy Strip Dip now at McDonald's.

[Bert Miape]

Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins.

[Nicole Parker]

And I'm Nicole Parker.

[Bert Miape]

On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website.

[Nicole Parker]

Occasionally, we change the names of some.

[Bert Miape]

Streets, and that's all you need to know to. To support the show and unlock the ad free archive, as well as exclusive monthly episodes of the bonus room. Go to cbbworld.com and sign up for a Maximus membership.

[Nicole Parker]

And now, please enjoy this episode of the Neighborhood.

[Bert Miape]

Listen. Knock, knock.

[Nicole Parker]

Who's there?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Your neighbor Good.

[Nicole Parker]

In Dignity Falls, you're never alone. You've got the neighbor half app and us, Vern and Joan. From coyotes to mail theft to weird things to sell.

[Bert Miape]

We'll cover it all and meet new neighbors as well.

[Nicole Parker]

We'll chat about any post you're missing, so just tune in to the Neighborhood Listen.

[Bert Miape]

Welcome once again to the Neighborhood Listen. This is the podcast that explores the neighborhood of Dignity Falls through the eyes of its residents, of which I am one. My name is Bert Miape. I'm the pharmacist in chief at the Dignity Falls Museum. With me, as always, is Bert.

[Nicole Parker]

What.

[Bert Miape]

What's going. This is where you introduce yourself.

[Nicole Parker]

What's gonna.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What's.

[Nicole Parker]

What's going on? What's. What's. What's happening? This is not, this is not like you at all. This is not the way that you start the podcast.

[Bert Miape]

Yeah, I'm just.

[Nicole Parker]

You sound so down.

[Bert Miape]

I'm just, I'm really, I'm really tired. I'm really tired. I've been.

[Nicole Parker]

Why? Why are you so tired? I mean, I really miss my welcome to the neighborhood listen, you know, I miss that.

[Bert Miape]

Well, I don't know if that's what I sound like, but I, I, I.

[Nicole Parker]

Just said the energy is what I'm wanting to convey. I know, I know. It's not a great impression.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Bert Miape]

Yeah. Well, what are you so tired about?

[Nicole Parker]

You have me talking quiet because I feel like I can't talk.

[Bert Miape]

I know. Well, no, you should not. I'll try. I'll try to bring up. I'll try to bring up the energy a little better.

[Nicole Parker]

People gonna fall asleep if they're listening to this while driving.

[Bert Miape]

I'm trying my best. Honey, do you know that Instagram video, Little girl is painting her mom's nails and Then the, the mom says, well, you got some on my finger. And then this little girl, she's a very cute little girl with glasses, and she goes, I'm trying my best, honey. Anyway, I, I, you know, the, the pharmacy is gearing up to celebrate the anniversary of the pill. It's the, it's the 700th anniversary of the pill.

[Nicole Parker]

Just. You mean the pill in general?

[Bert Miape]

Just pill form.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Bert Miape]

Just the modern pill as we know it.

[Nicole Parker]

You know, the pill can mean a couple things. Yes, yes.

[Bert Miape]

Not the birth control pill.

[Nicole Parker]

Right.

[Bert Miape]

Of course that's included.

[Nicole Parker]

I would love a. Of that. Not expecting it. But.

[Bert Miape]

And this is different than the tablet.

[Nicole Parker]

Which is different from the tablet. We're talking the, the, the classic sort of like oval. I don't want to say oval. Cylindrical. Around the round.

[Bert Miape]

The round white pill.

[Nicole Parker]

Around. Just a simple round white pill.

[Bert Miape]

And part of the celebration, of course, is when colors were introduced.

[Nicole Parker]

To the pill.

[Bert Miape]

Yeah. And we've just all been working around the clock, so we're doing our shifts at work, but then we're building the floats and we're building.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, because of course, it's be a parade.

[Bert Miape]

Yeah. There's going to be a big straw man that will light on fire.

[Nicole Parker]

And what does that signify again, for the pill?

[Bert Miape]

It's. Well, he. We. We. It's. You put a big flaming pill into the strawman's mouth. Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, like an archer is going to shoot, like a flaming pill.

[Bert Miape]

Well, no, it's going to be somebody on a cherry picker will feed the flaming pill into the mouth of the straw man. And then you watch.

[Nicole Parker]

Dramatic, but. Okay, go on.

[Bert Miape]

But I mean, that's not how we deliver pills.

[Nicole Parker]

I just wish I was consulted because I have lots of ideas, you know.

[Bert Miape]

Well, I'm sure. But I feel like an arrow of. Shooting a flaming arrow into the mouth.

[Nicole Parker]

Of someone would be a flaming pill.

[Bert Miape]

A flaming pill. I think it sends the wrong message. Like, we're not out to hurt you.

[Nicole Parker]

So it's a cherry picker.

[Bert Miape]

It's cherry picker. And, and you know, then the pill goes through. The way it's. The strawman is constructed. It's that you see it go through the circulatory system.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Bert Miape]

Of the straw.

[Nicole Parker]

I see like demonstrating how it works like in all those commercials where it just shows like, the drawing of a, of a man with his arms out and then the medicine travels to where it needs to go.

[Bert Miape]

That's exactly what we're trying to say. It goes to the stomach and then it branches out from There.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. I think I have sort of seen. Because people have been passing. I know. I can tell that you are. I can tell you have. You have five o' clock shadow everywhere.

[Bert Miape]

That's an unfortunate thing, is that. It is. It's. It gives me a sort of transformation Wolfman effect. And, you know, of course, I'm embarrassed at how much facial hair I have.

[Nicole Parker]

On my forehead, nose and eyelids. You gotta. You gotta catch up on that. I think I know what you're talking. I think I know you're talking about because I have seen. There have been. There have been little. There's. I don't know if you've been part of this, but I think they're trying to advertise it because there's these little things where. Kind of like how when you'll get like an ad, like an invitation to an engagement, sometimes you open up. You know, it's like a little box that pops open. You know, when a butterfly climbs out.

[Bert Miape]

Not climbs, climbs out. All the things that a butterfly would do.

[Nicole Parker]

Climbs.

[Bert Miape]

Just picture. Bring one butterfly. Well, sometimes like one. One of its little legs going over the edge and then the other one little butterfly going.

[Nicole Parker]

Sometimes they're in there for too long. It's not the intended.

[Bert Miape]

Oh, they're real. Butterfly.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. Okay. I didn't mean to say fly out, of course. Well, anyways, I was saying I got something in the mail the other day and it said pill popper. And I was like, wait, what? And then you open it up and it was like, there was like a little bit of confetti, like, of little tiny pills. And it did say it was like, from the Pharmacists association of America. And it was like. I was like, oh, they must be having some event. But it was just unclear. It was just listed a bunch of activities that they're going to be doing to celebrate the pill. And. Are these pharmaceuticals? And like, the activities were like outdoor barbecue, canoeing with your mom, walking beach, indoor barbecue, hunt, hiking up a tree, going to an antique shop, dancing. Dancing under outdoor lights.

[Bert Miape]

Which is. Which is all day long.

[Nicole Parker]

All day long.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

And so I assume. Oh, okay, yeah, that's. I get that. I understand those activities. But I want to know, what part of all of this are you involved in and what part of it is making you so tired? I mean, what are you required to do?

[Bert Miape]

I'm involved in just about every aspect of it. I mean, it's all hands on deck. And we are. Are doing. We're trying to do it all at the same time.

[Nicole Parker]

Right. Could you get. I'm gonna call. Such as for this particular moment when we. And I don't want to exhaust you more with providing an example, but it just seems like you're not. How. What is it that. Can you give me one activity you've.

[Bert Miape]

Had to do the face of the straw man.

[Nicole Parker]

You have to build the face of the straw man.

[Bert Miape]

We're each taking a different part.

[Nicole Parker]

Why'd you choose the face? It sounds like the most.

[Bert Miape]

I was assigned the face.

[Nicole Parker]

Did you draw straws?

[Bert Miape]

Yeah, we did. We drew straws, and I drew the first straw. And. And the guy holding the straw said, oh, that is for sure the shortest one. And I thought it was pretty long. And he said, nope, that's the shortest one. I know. There's no need to draw straws further. And I'm still a little suspect of that.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well. So you. You're building and where. How big is this going to be?

[Bert Miape]

The face itself is 20ft tall.

[Nicole Parker]

Good God. Where are you keeping this? Where are you working on it?

[Bert Miape]

It's in various garages and auditoriums around the neighborhood. Each part of it.

[Nicole Parker]

I hope no one's allergic.

[Bert Miape]

Well, it's not straw. It's wicker, but we can't say wicker because of the two movies.

[Nicole Parker]

Two movies. Okay, so.

[Bert Miape]

And because of that furniture store. Wicker man.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, yeah. Oh, God, yes. Yes. The wicker man down on De Gaulle, which is actually the only street in town.

[Bert Miape]

French president. That's right.

[Nicole Parker]

So. So that. Is that it? Are we just gonna say that it's. It's working on this straw head that is what is making you so exhausted.

[Bert Miape]

Joan, it's not just that. I'm. I'm trying not to be cranky.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, you're pestering him. I wouldn't see.

[Bert Miape]

No, Doug, Babe, I'm not.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm just. I. I feel like it's disproport he's being asked to do. Or like, at least what he's. The way that he's so exhausted. I just was wondering if there was anything else.

[Bert Miape]

I have to incorporate the guts of my nitro burning funny car into one of the floats.

[Nicole Parker]

Really?

[Bert Miape]

Because it's going to.

[Nicole Parker]

It's floats. But an interesting way to say it.

[Bert Miape]

Yeah, well, because they don't. There's not much of a chassis.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Bert Miape]

And they need to. It's the first float out the gate, so it's going to be extremely fast.

[Nicole Parker]

I don't know that I've ever seen a parade with, like, a speed float. No, it sounds dangerous. I Guess if you're. I guess if you're first, it is. I guess if you're first, you're not worried about running into a marching band or what have you. But, I mean, they're gonna clear everybody out of the way.

[Bert Miape]

It's gonna go, like, zero to 70.

[Doug]

Is anybody gonna be on it?

[Nicole Parker]

Good question.

[Bert Miape]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

What is it afloat of? Or is it just one of those ones that's just like. It's. It is a float of a car.

[Bert Miape]

It's a float of a big capsule.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, okay.

[Bert Miape]

On its side.

[Nicole Parker]

On its side. Okay. And people are just going to be, like, straddled on top of it.

[Bert Miape]

There's going to be one guy who is driving it, and then there's going to be one guy riding it on top like slim Pickens. And Dr.

[Nicole Parker]

Strange. Like Dr. Strange. Wow. Okay. So, Bern, I'm so sorry.

[Bert Miape]

You know, also to hang up streamers.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, well, that explains it. I mean, hanging up streamers is one of the most tiring things in the entire world. You have your hands above your head for so long. Makes you very lightheaded.

[Bert Miape]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Bert Miape]

What am I, one of Jim. Jim Henson's puppeteers? Can't hold my arms up for that long.

[Nicole Parker]

Absolutely not. You know, you could have said, hey, can we just push today? We don't have to. We don't have to do it today.

[Bert Miape]

I couldn't do that. I, I, I, I also. I needed this today, you know, I needed to have.

[Nicole Parker]

Are you sure?

[Bert Miape]

Something to do.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. Okay.

[Bert Miape]

No, I'm having a great time.

[Nicole Parker]

You are? Okay.

[Doug]

So much fun.

[Bert Miape]

This is really feeding my soul today.

[Nicole Parker]

Just so everybody knows. Time we've been talking. His eyes are closed.

[Bert Miape]

Not by choice.

[Nicole Parker]

No.

[Bert Miape]

And I do have something to tell you, Joan. I don't know how you're gonna feel about it.

[Nicole Parker]

This is not starting out the way.

[Bert Miape]

I thought it would, but someone came to see me at the pharmacy the other day to fill a prescription.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Bert Miape]

And that person was Jaliope, your daughter.

[Nicole Parker]

What?

[Bert Miape]

And she said, burnt, I'm gonna ask you to hand this to someone else to fill, and I don't want you to look at it.

[Nicole Parker]

What was it?

[Bert Miape]

And I said, jolly, I can't do that. And she said, uncle Bert, please. I said, you don't call me Uncle Bert. She tried that on me. Uncle Burnt.

[Nicole Parker]

That sounds like.

[Bert Miape]

Never said that in her life.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. She has no familial feeling with you? Not at all?

[Bert Miape]

No. If anything, she pretended to not know what my name was for the first 10 years that I knew.

[Nicole Parker]

Her.

[Doug]

Did she then move on to Unki? Burnt.

[Bert Miape]

I feel like I effectively shut it down. Does she call you Unki Dad? Sometimes.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm sorry, Maeve. I'm sorry, Maeve, but our daughter's trying to get prescription drugs that I don't know about. Please tell me what this was.

[Bert Miape]

She. I. I was not able to see what it was.

[Nicole Parker]

What. Why did you even tell me this story then? I thought the whole point was that you were going to tell me what it was.

[Bert Miape]

I thought you could take it from here with your own child.

[Doug]

I thought usually at the pharmacy, you guys, like, announce everyone's prescriptions over the speakers.

[Bert Miape]

They don't do that anymore.

[Nicole Parker]

That's not a thing. That's only in rom coms from the 80s.

[Doug]

Yeah, we got anal cream and aisle six or whatever.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. Yes, babe. Oh, my gosh. I know. He had to do it. He had to do it.

[Bert Miape]

But there was a time that we used to do that.

[Doug]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Doug]

Yeah. I knew I wasn't.

[Bert Miape]

Yeah, that was crazy. That was before Pharmacy 2, which was a big movement to reform the Pharmacy.

[Nicole Parker]

The movie. What, Sequel to Pharmacy?

[Bert Miape]

No, no, no. They still haven't made a sequel to Pharmacy.

[Nicole Parker]

I thought they would. There was that pharmacist who did such good sound effects.

[Doug]

You can never top the first one.

[Nicole Parker]

I guess you can.

[Bert Miape]

Pharmacist who does all the great sound effects and, you know, with his mouth.

[Doug]

Michael Winslow.

[Bert Miape]

Yeah, that's right.

[Nicole Parker]

Thanks, babe.

[Bert Miape]

Yeah, Everyone loved it. It showed pharmacists in a different light.

[Nicole Parker]

It sure did.

[Bert Miape]

And, yeah, it's too bad.

[Nicole Parker]

All right, so this is very concerning. So now I'm gonna have to get into this.

[Bert Miape]

I can't do that. This kid Billy, at the pharmacy, he's. He's brand new, okay? He snatches the prescription out of my hand, he goes and fills it, and he won't tell me.

[Nicole Parker]

Billy would snatch.

[Doug]

A Billy would snatch?

[Bert Miape]

Oh, that's. That's. Now, that's a classic dignity falls expression.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Doug]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Miape]

Billy Wood snatch.

[Nicole Parker]

So, wait, he has it? She doesn't know a Billy. At least not that I know of.

[Bert Miape]

No.

[Nicole Parker]

Why would he snatch Billy?

[Doug]

Employee.

[Bert Miape]

I know the prescription.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Bert Miape]

Piece of paper out of my hand and killed it. He didn't take the pill.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, well, why didn't you ask him.

[Bert Miape]

Or whatever it was.

[Nicole Parker]

Why didn't you snatch it back?

[Bert Miape]

Joan? I. Of course. I, of course, tried to do that.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay? You're just so tired, your reflexes are.

[Bert Miape]

There's that tube. He's very. He was holding it over My head.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, that's embarrassing.

[Bert Miape]

He's six, eight and.

[Nicole Parker]

Good God.

[Bert Miape]

Yeah. And he's making me jump and I can't.

[Nicole Parker]

Billy will dunk.

[Bert Miape]

I can't. I can't jump like I used to. You remember I used to be able to jump so high.

[Nicole Parker]

You used to be able to jump so, so high. It is true.

[Bert Miape]

I could reach any shelf. And now. So he won't tell me what it is. Jaliope wouldn't tell me what it is. So I thought I had to tell you that she's got some.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm going to be very distracted for this, this whole episode now, okay?

[Bert Miape]

I. I'm too tired to.

[Nicole Parker]

She doesn't. She doesn't have anything. She only sometimes gets sugar pills.

[Bert Miape]

You don't need a prescription for this.

[Nicole Parker]

Babe. This is so concerning, by the way. Okay? For whatever reason, I guess my kids have lost their mind this week. So first, you know, you tell me about this. Second of all, Doug is in the focus room today, right now.

[Bert Miape]

Doug is Joan's husband. Joan is the other person you've been hearing talking. Joan Pedestrian, who's number one realtor here in Diggington.

[Nicole Parker]

I'll give my number one fantastic. And the number one local actor and the number one local actress.

[Bert Miape]

And Doug, her husband is in another room, as he always is. And Doug, where are you today?

[Nicole Parker]

You know what?

[Bert Miape]

In the focus room.

[Nicole Parker]

You know what? Just take a. Take a minute. Just take a minute. Just take a load off. Maybe even have a quick 10 minute nap because you're bumming me out, man. I mean, this is bumming me out. I'm already so concerned about July.

[Bert Miape]

I don't want to bum you out.

[Nicole Parker]

And on top of it. So as everybody knows, and maybe if you don't, the boys, my twins, they are living at home. Of course I'm talking about my, my boys, Matt and Sistine Chapalo insisting Chapalo, which is crazy. We almost named him Pizza Ball.

[Bert Miape]

What stopped you?

[Nicole Parker]

I just didn't want people to constantly make jokes about it, you know, so we went with Sistine Joe.

[Bert Miape]

It was good to head that off at the pass.

[Nicole Parker]

So they have written me a show, a Mr. Doubtfire. You know, obviously we're switching. We're switching it around and we talked about it. It's all gonna be done in one shot. And they literally already cut together an edit that they wanna have a focus group for, but they wanna have it in my own home. And I'm honestly the only one in the scene that they're showing to people.

[Bert Miape]

Wow.

[Nicole Parker]

And I am. I don't want in my own home. I don't want to be in the room.

[Bert Miape]

Focus group for one scene. Wow.

[Nicole Parker]

I think that's one they want. I agree. You know, and so they asked Doug to build a focus room, and he's doing it. And he's doing like the double window mirror.

[Doug]

Whatever it is, it's not a focus room without that.

[Bert Miape]

That is true. That's true. You do need somebody watching.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, it's just gonna be me and then just people talking about me and that sounds like a nightmare. Not in a good way. Talking about me. Oh, I was gonna say why I rushed in to correct it.

[Doug]

We could run other focus groups.

[Nicole Parker]

Like what, Babe?

[Doug]

You know, local ad campaigns and things like that. Such.

[Nicole Parker]

Such as.

[Bert Miape]

Just that little such all.

[Doug]

By itself out there. Such political gambling. Such as, you know, just ideas. If people have an idea. We can have family ideas also.

[Nicole Parker]

Focus group. Focus groups.

[Bert Miape]

Wow.

[Nicole Parker]

But I feel like that's a space that I would like to use for something else than someone just like basically a Reddit board come to life. I don't need that.

[Doug]

Oh, you want that?

[Nicole Parker]

No, I do not want that.

[Doug]

You could sort of have an upvote system.

[Nicole Parker]

No, I really, really don't want that. I just wish you would. Can we turn it into something after they do this? Can it be.

[Doug]

Oh, of course.

[Nicole Parker]

You know, can it be turned into like a chill out room? Put a bunch of pillows in there or like, I don't know, put like, you know, one of those things where you put stars up on the ceiling? That would be lovely.

[Doug]

Like a children's room.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. Why are you saying it like that? What is wrong with everyone today?

[Doug]

Well, it just feels a little juvenile.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, my gosh. Have you ever been to a spa, Doug? There's all sorts of effects like that. And you might find it in children's dark.

[Doug]

They have glow in the dark, stars on the ceiling.

[Nicole Parker]

Juvenile.

[Bert Miape]

Doug said juvenile.

[Doug]

I'm. I apologize heartily.

[Nicole Parker]

Thank you for that.

[Doug]

I do love.

[Nicole Parker]

Aren't you worried about July?

[Doug]

I am. I've been thinking about Jalibi and you know, you got me looking at the history of the pill.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, no.

[Doug]

And I know you know all this.

[Nicole Parker]

Which one did you look up?

[Doug]

Just the pill form.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Doug]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Miape]

Try to. Try to quiz.

[Nicole Parker]

What did you find?

[Doug]

Babe, Pills are thought to date back to around.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, he's doing this book report style.

[Doug]

Do you want to say at the same time? Oh, 1500 B.C.

[Nicole Parker]

What? I wouldn't have thought that. Yeah, 1500 B.C.

[Doug]

That'S right.

[Nicole Parker]

I feel like that was. Could that must have just been, you know, like a con man just giving you a small rock.

[Bert Miape]

Probably in a lot of cases.

[Doug]

They were pretty.

[Bert Miape]

They did. That was a common practice. I want to say 1890.

[Doug]

The first references to pills were found on papyruses in ancient Egypt and contained, you know, this bread dough. Honey.

[Bert Miape]

Honey or.

[Doug]

Or grease.

[Bert Miape]

Grease. Yeah. Yeah.

[Doug]

Imagine how delicious those honey grease pills were.

[Nicole Parker]

That's all Doug's thinking about. He wants a honey grease pill.

[Bert Miape]

That's, of course, animal style without the bread. If you're worried about your carbs. Can I get the pill? Animal.

[Doug]

I guess you can just call that a pill. Like a little bit of bread dough.

[Nicole Parker]

I mean, well, that's.

[Bert Miape]

We are. So what we're celebrating with the 700 years of the pill is when it started being called a pill and started having medicine in it.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. All right. Because before.

[Doug]

I bet that's how they said it.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm sorry, babe. What?

[Bert Miape]

That's a very good approximation of, you know, prehistoric.

[Nicole Parker]

It should probably have been like five nationalities. With that pronunciation. It almost. I think you're doing a B almost. It's almost like.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, you don't.

[Doug]

You don't. It's not a harsh.

[Nicole Parker]

Not a plosive P. Yeah, it's not a harsh. Wow. Okay. Thank you for those facts.

[Bert Miape]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

So you don't know what?

[Bert Miape]

Well, well, first of all, when does the focus group convene?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, God. I. They wanted a rush job on this, so I think they're wanting to do it next week. Oh, what? First one? There's only. There's gonna be more than one. What do you. What do you know that I don't know, babe?

[Doug]

Well, you need several. You need a bunch of groups to come in to focus.

[Nicole Parker]

Would you get, like, just 10 people, random people, the same one scene?

[Bert Miape]

Yeah.

[Doug]

Otherwise, you know, it's like a sample size.

[Nicole Parker]

A sample size?

[Doug]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Doug]

It's different than. What you're talking about is like a fun size.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. I'm not sure what we're talking about anymore. I. I'm wondering, should I just get you some caffeine? You want some coffee, Burns? Can we.

[Bert Miape]

I don't. I don't. I just gotta ride this out.

[Nicole Parker]

This is gonna be interesting.

[Doug]

You know they say five o' clock shadows, like, sexy on a guy.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, yeah, when it's in one place. Yeah.

[Bert Miape]

Okay.

[Doug]

Well, babe, I'm just.

[Bert Miape]

You could have just said try to gas him up. I appreciate.

[Nicole Parker]

You know what? I'm sorry, but I. This has been a Very strange episode for me. All right. I've been told my child has somehow you know, managed to get a prescription out from under my nose. And I've got the boys and my husband colluding to have people come in and just tear me apart, basically.

[Bert Miape]

You don't know that they're going to tear you. They could say, we want to see more of.

[Nicole Parker]

They're going to love it that they're not going to say we want to see more of this middle aged woman. Which give us more.

[Bert Miape]

Which scene is it?

[Nicole Parker]

It's the nude scene I had to do.

[Bert Miape]

That. You had to do in this movie that you're so like, mom, Mom.

[Nicole Parker]

Like, it was so brave of Demi where to do that. That's like what you got to do now is like awesome of her to do that. And I was like, so it's you.

[Doug]

As Mr. Doubtfire Newt.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. It's supposed to be. They want to be in this moment where I confront myself and it's like, no, I really am a woman and what it is it to be a woman and you know, and all that kind of stuff.

[Bert Miape]

But there's a prosthetic penis.

[Nicole Parker]

It's they made and they made. I come in. I come in. It's like that scene in Shakespeare Love where Gwyneth Beltrow has bound her breasts and he just takes one end of it and she spins, you know, she spins out of it.

[Bert Miape]

Oh, wow. I guess so. I have not seen that movie since it came out.

[Nicole Parker]

It's one of the boys favorite movie.

[Bert Miape]

I just remembered, didn't Judi Dench win an Oscar for saying goodbye and stepping.

[Nicole Parker]

Over a coat over a puddle? Hey, she's David Dench. She can do whatever she wants.

[Bert Miape]

True.

[Nicole Parker]

But. And Ben Affleck was in it. Remember that?

[Bert Miape]

That's correct.

[Nicole Parker]

So, yeah, I'm very, very concerned about it. I also feel like there's so many things that might be about this pile. I think there's a lot of problematic things and I'm just very worried about it.

[Bert Miape]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

And I also think that the shaky cam is going to make everybody sick to their stomach.

[Bert Miape]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

So it sounds like a bad idea all around. I think it sounds like a bad idea. What sounds like a good idea is to take a break before our guest comes here, load you up with caffeine of some sort. Okay. And. Or maybe tape your eyelids open. I don't know what we're going to do. It's like, Freddy, I'll be fine. Nightmare on Elm street style.

[Bert Miape]

Freddie. Nightmare on Elm street style, you know.

[Nicole Parker]

The kids are trying to stay awake.

[Bert Miape]

Oh. Bonfire on Nightmare on Elm Street.

[Nicole Parker]

Flat. No, no, that's it. We're going to break right now. Go quick, go quick. We'll be right back when the neighbor lizard returns. Hi everybody, it's Nicole Parker here. Listen, as the temps start rising, I feel that familiar urge to refresh my closet. But I'm not going to waste money on pieces I'll wear once or for just one season. I will not do it. I will not do it. Listen to my lips. I will not do it. Now Quince changes all of that. Their clothes are timeless, lightweight and far more elevated than anything else. At this price, it finally feels like my wardrobe matches my standards. People, it's like 100% European linen shorts and dresses from $30 luxe swimwear, Italian leather platform sandals and so much more. And the best part, everything with Quince is half the cost of similar brands. By working directly with top artisans and cutting out the middlemen, Quince gives you luxury without the markup. And Quince only works with factories that use safe, ethical and responsible manufacturing pract and premium fabrics and finishes. And I cannot talk enough about this great lightweight short sleeve white collared button down shirt that goes with everything. You can dress it up, you can dress it down. It's just fantastic. So give your summer closet an upgrade with quince. Go to quince.com TNL for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's Q U- dot com TNL to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com TNL ever feel like your bedroom.

[Tracy]

Could use a little dignity Falls makeover? Miracle made sheets are inspired by NASA and use silver infused fabrics that help keep your bed at the perfect temperature all night. These sheets are self cleaning and Prevent up to 99.7% of bacteria growth so you can sleep, clean and wake up refreshed. They feel as nice as sheets in some five star hotels, but without the high price. Upgrade your sleep this year. Go to trymiracle.com comfort to try miracle made sheets today. Whether you're buying them for yourself or as a gift for a loved one. If you order today, you can save over 40%. And if you use our promo co M F O R T at checkout, you'll get a free three piece towel set and save an extra 20%. Miracle is so confident in their product, it's backed with a 30 day money back guarantee. So if you aren't 100% satisfied, you'll get a full refund. Again, that's trymiracle.com comfort to treat yourself.

[Nicole Parker]

Are you looking for a new job or want a career change? Look no further than monster.com need a little help standing out? Our expert resume writing services will make sure you shine. Want to brush up on your interview skills? Engage with our AI Interview Prep tool. Want some advice on negotiating your new salary? Visit our salary tools and extensive library of career advice articles and you'll have all the tips and tricks you'll need. Succeed. Visit monster.com today and take the first step towards your career. Monster.com find your right job fit.

[Bert Miape]

It's Kathryn and what I've got for you.

[F]

For free is a 90s throwback box. It's a cool cardboard box. Want a fun free box to pack? A present for someone born in the 90s? This is it. Pick up in Dignity Falls near Spruce and Harrison. Be prepared to share your cell number to arrange pickup than if this is still listed, it is available. Yep, it's a 90s throwback box. It's empty and on the front, on the top it says Tubi 90s throwback. And then it's smaller lettering. Share on social with and then I can't make out what that says because my eyes aren't as good as they used to be. But if you know someone who's born in the 90s and they're very attached to the 90s, I would say probably if they were born born, you know, 90, 90, 90, because then they have at least 10 years of the 90s and they remember it good. But if they were born in 1998, say I wouldn't do it. But also if they were born in the 80s, if they were born in 1985, then they have a clear recollection of the 90s and they are, then they are saying I love it. I loved it when I I was that alive that at that age and, and I, I feel connected to it. You could also be somebody born in the 60s and maybe the 90s was a great time for you. Maybe you had a lot of money, a good job, maybe you were very lucky and you found things on the street. Maybe you had a loving relationship or you were unmarried and had terrific sex with lots of people. Maybe you grew, had a growth spurt out of nowhere as a grown person person. But it's if you, if you know someone who likes the 90s for whatever goddamn reason, this is the box for them. Imagine them opening it up and saying what? You got me. The 2B's 90 throwback experience which we which if you, if you could only have experienced what was in the box, you would have had so much fun with the 90s throwing it back with tubi.

[Bert Miape]

But.

[F]

But now it's empty. And so you can put whatever you want in there. And it doesn't even have to be 90s related. It could be a necklace. It could be a wallet, a nice wallet with monograms on it.

[Bert Miape]

It could be about.

[F]

It could be cash. $90. Wouldn't that be fun? It could be a box of dirt. If you know someone who's a. Who's a dirt enthusiast or a gardener would make more sense. It could be worms. If you know a fisherman, you could be dirt and worms. If you know somebody who likes to fish and they like to get the worms, germs themselves, but they don't have access to dirt. There's. There's no limit to what you can put in this box except for the size. So. So get, get the 90s lover in your life. Something that would fit inside that two B's 90s throwback box. Remember, if it. If you're seeing this, it is still available. And if you see me and I'm singing some Katrina and the witch waves, because I think that was the 90s, then you got Catherine right in your sights.

[Bert Miape]

Don't shoot me. Welcome back to the neighborhood. Listen, it is time for a guest.

[Nicole Parker]

Joan, good job.

[Bert Miape]

We have a guest in studio and that guest is with us now. Now, as you know, we scour the neighborhap, the social networking application for neighborhoods to find interesting people to talk about.

[Nicole Parker]

Babe, what did you give him?

[Bert Miape]

And we are doing that again this week.

[Nicole Parker]

What did you give him?

[Bert Miape]

If you see a post that you think we've missed, why don't you send it to us at Buron Joan gmail dot com.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, no. Did you give him a monster?

[Bert Miape]

Did Andrew Mafanti?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, boy.

[Bert Miape]

Andrea Mafanti.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, Bert, wer. Hey, just take a breath for a second.

[Doug]

And gave him two spoonfuls of caffeine.

[Bert Miape]

Here goes that post. Gang batting down the hatches. This is in the recommendation section. It was posted by someone named Tracy. Tracy says. Hey, neighbors, do you have any real estate agents to recommend? My former agent was arrested by the FBI for some matters. I need to sell my house now.

[Nicole Parker]

Wow.

[Bert Miape]

And here to talk more about this is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's Tracy. Yes, Tracy.

[Nicole Parker]

Hello. Hi, Tracy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, Tracy.

[Nicole Parker]

Thanks for coming on.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Of course. Happy. And is this being recorded?

[Nicole Parker]

It is being.

[Bert Miape]

It's a podcast.

[Nicole Parker]

Is that okay?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, that's fine as long as it's not going out to, you know, government.

[Nicole Parker]

You know what burnt. This is what. This is broadcast.

[Bert Miape]

If that's what you were.

[Nicole Parker]

We're going to jump right to my first question because he's already. Tracy's already acting in a way that I was wondering about. Yeah. Because your post implies it might be something untoward that your realtor is involved in. But why are you so worried about the government listening to you talk on this podcast?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, you know, people and their realtors have very close personal relationships.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, now, I'm not sure you know this, but I am a realtor. The top one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, yes. This is a large part of the reason I've come today.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, I wondered about this. Okay. So. All right, let's. Let's let you talk some more then tell us what your story.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So my. So, as you might imagine, my real estate agent has been arrested by the FBI. That's the.

[Bert Miape]

For some matters.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

For some matters. Some matters.

[Bert Miape]

Who is your real estate agent?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's Dick Van Dyke.

[Bert Miape]

And that's. That's, that's. There's a realtor here named Dick Van, and his last name is Dyke, and it is a little confusing.

[Nicole Parker]

His first name is Dick Van.

[Bert Miape]

If you see it written down, it's easier to understand. But when you hear it, of course, it sounds.

[Nicole Parker]

He's very Dutch.

[Bert Miape]

He's very Dutch, So Dutch. He has a Van Dyke beard.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, he does.

[Bert Miape]

He drives a van.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, he does. And he's got a dick on the.

[Bert Miape]

Hole that's leaking water.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. So you're familiar. You're very familiar.

[Nicole Parker]

And here's the thing, is that, like, there's been rumors swirling around Dick Van Dyke for a very long time, of course, in the realty community, because he really is a real Dick Van Dyke. You know what I mean? Like all of the ladies.

[Bert Miape]

Oh, I see. Like, he sexually harasses people.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, yes, absolutely, that. But also he's been known to, like, you know, sneak in and do an open house when. With. When a family's just living there, not even selling the house.

[Bert Miape]

That seems unscrupulous.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That sounds like DVD to me. That sounds like DVD to me.

[Nicole Parker]

Classic dvd. But. But you know what? I think we all just sort of tried to distance ourselves from him. We wanted his license to be revoked.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's what I'm trying to do right now. That's what I'm trying. That's what I'm looking for.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, but what do you. So I didn't hear anything about what actually went down with the FBI. Do you know Anything about the sum matters.

[Bert Miape]

Were you there when he was.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, good question, Bernd.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now. Now, legally I'd have to say I wasn't, but I think.

[Bert Miape]

Why?

[Nicole Parker]

Because.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I don't know who's listening to this, so I just have to be careful.

[Bert Miape]

But I mean, if he was arrested and you weren't.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. You're not involved in this and it.

[Bert Miape]

Was the FBI who arrested him.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now, technically I'm not involved, but I think we can. Amongst close friends here, we can say the reason I'm selling my house. I gotta move. I gotta move quickly out of the country.

[Bert Miape]

So when you say I have to sell my house now, you meant it with. I was gonna ask. Ask. It just says I need to sell my house now. Were you planning on selling it before?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. Yes. That's the sense I'm getting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Because the selling of the house is immediately connected to Dick Van Dyke getting arrested.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Getting arrested, exactly. Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Why? Are you afraid that Dickman Dyke is going to come after you? Or do you feel like somehow you were in any way guilty of what he was involved in?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think I definitely. And I don't want to indict myself here, but I definitely.

[Nicole Parker]

Do you have legal representation?

[Bert Miape]

No.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And if you have any recommendations, I'd be happy to take that.

[Bert Miape]

Did something happen to your lawyer as well?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. The CIA arrested him for some matters as well. Yes. And so I think essentially I've been in cahoots with a lot of different figures.

[Bert Miape]

I wouldn't use phrases like cahoots.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, cahoots is never good.

[Bert Miape]

That's not helping your.

[Nicole Parker]

That is. It's such a specific, legally binding.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Look, I'll say this. My time is coming and so I can.

[Bert Miape]

The net is closing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The net is closing. And I've come to terms with that. The least I can do is sell my house as quickly as possible and see if I can get out of the country. Find. What's it called when you hire.

[Bert Miape]

Asylum?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

What's it called when you hire.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'd love to find asylum.

[Bert Miape]

Asylum on what grounds?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, Legal.

[Bert Miape]

Legal asylum.

[Nicole Parker]

I don't know what. Okay, let's. Let's pause for a minute. Let's go back.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Were you born and raised here? Are you from Dignity Falls?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Born, raised, bred.

[Nicole Parker]

Yep.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Matured.

[Nicole Parker]

Sure. And. And who knows what else. Married and divorced. Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. So you have family still here? You have. You have children. You have your parents here still. Who's.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I have children. My parents.

[Nicole Parker]

You got everybody. You got everybody.

[Bert Miape]

The whole crew.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

My ex, my cousins, boys. Lots of cousins.

[Nicole Parker]

Do you live alone?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Uncles, aunts, Uncles.

[Nicole Parker]

Do you live alone? Other than maybe. I'm assuming. Hopefully the children are there. Sometimes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Occasionally. And ideally I need to.

[Nicole Parker]

Just got court ordered. Occasionally.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Court ordered Occasionally. I have once a quarter. My kids are fiscal or annual? Once a fiscal quarter, they're allowed to visit me. And I don't know, is everybody. Everyone who comes on a good guy here on this podcast?

[Nicole Parker]

Not at all.

[Bert Miape]

Hardly ever.

[Nicole Parker]

That's not one of the requirements. But what do you do for a living? Very nervous to ask this question.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let's say you have a problem and you need it taken care of.

[Bert Miape]

Right?

[Nicole Parker]

Right.

[Bert Miape]

Some matters.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Some matters. I could be the kind of guy who takes care of that for you. Right. Let's say you're.

[Nicole Parker]

Could you just name the matters? Like, please say something like, oh, you need. Need more plumbing fixed or you need your car fixed. Say something like that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Of course. Let's say someone's car isn't working and they don't want to. Let's say they hit someone with their car.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, boy. I don't want to say that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Bert Miape]

The car is working as a consequence of hitting someone with a car.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'll come in and I'll fix the car.

[Bert Miape]

Okay. So you have mechanic skills, Mechanical skills, yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But you see, now you think that's not that bad. Well, then when insurance comes knocking, they find nothing wrong. Wrong. Am I a bad person in this situation because I say nothing?

[Nicole Parker]

I want to say nothing.

[Bert Miape]

Okay. So insurance inspects the car and they say, well, this car hasn't hit anyone.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This car hasn't hit anyone because you.

[Nicole Parker]

Made it look like that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Exactly. I'm very good with fixing cars.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. I really feel like you wanted to say something other than fixing cars when you said that and you looked dead into my eyes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I did. I mean, I'm locked in right now.

[Nicole Parker]

You really are. And it's getting too intense. Where I'm going to break away for a minute. Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's okay. And that's okay.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'll keep looking. I'm here whenever you need.

[Nicole Parker]

It's very comforting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And that's a service I'll offer if either of you. You hit anyone with your car, you're not sure you want to deal with that.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm not facing those problems right now. I've got some other problems.

[Bert Miape]

Thanks for the offer, though.

[Nicole Parker]

Of course. Yeah, sure. Thank you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It can happen out of the blue.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, dear.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know you're driving.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Bert Miape]

Sound like we might get hit with A blue.

[Nicole Parker]

We've got cahoots out of the blue. So you are not going to be any more specific about what your job is? Obviously you have to know that we're very aware now that you probably are in some sort of job as a quote unquote fixer who covers up crime.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

So we got a bit.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. The net is closing. The net is closing.

[Nicole Parker]

The net is closing now. Okay, well, then I guess since basically the gloves are off now, were you involved? Were you and Dick Van Dyke working together on something?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Bert Miape]

Okay. And is Dick Van still in custody?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, yes, he's being held currently in a. In a local FBI.

[Bert Miape]

Oh, local. That's nice.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Well, yeah. Have you visited the.

[Bert Miape]

The local FBI? I have not been to that office, no.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a gorgeous facility. You got to really check it out.

[Nicole Parker]

They're trying to get more people. It's. There's all these ads visit your local FBI, you know, and it's. They're trying to, I guess, get a more appropriate, approachable sort of veneer.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But you wouldn't believe what they have at the food court there. The best cream of the crop. Really.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. Okay. All right, I'm sorry. Now I'm thinking about the food court, and I know that was a distraction.

[Bert Miape]

What's your go to at the FBI food court?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, boy. Panda Express. They loaded up. They really.

[Bert Miape]

They loaded up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, man. Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, so I'm sorry, now, I can't remember when you said. Yes. That you were doing something with Dick Fan. Oh. And you were saying, is he being held. He's being held at the local FBI. Why don't you. Since. Since we're basically just telling the truth now, what is it that the two of you were involved in?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So, as you're aware, of course, you're in the realty community.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He was showing a lot of houses with people in them when they were not selling. And then what happens? Oh, no. Someone's interested in buying.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

These people need to be. And I'm gonna put quotations around this. Relocate.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, no.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And someone has to do that. And it's not pretty work. It's not.

[Bert Miape]

I don't think anyone has to do it.

[Nicole Parker]

No one has to do it. It could stop right there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

These people are trying to buy a house. Okay. And you know, Dick Van Dyke has a. He has a. He has got a name to live up to.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. But my question is, what's in it for you to, quote, unqu. Relocate these people? What would their. Your incentive be to do this.

[Bert Miape]

What do you get out of it?

[Nicole Parker]

Correct.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I have some sort of pact with.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, I think you should. I think you should nail that down a little more than it being some sort of bag. I'd want to know. I'd want that in print. Whatever it is.

[Bert Miape]

I. Can I be honest? I assumed it was money.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It is.

[Bert Miape]

It's.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's.

[Nicole Parker]

I do too. But I mean, I think it needs to be a little bit more concrete.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a fiscal pact. It is a legal pact.

[Bert Miape]

Legal.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, yes, we do have a legal pact.

[Bert Miape]

Contract, but it's a legal contract.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a legal contract. It's a fiscal contract.

[Bert Miape]

What's the wording on this contract?

[Nicole Parker]

Good question.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's. It's more so that if. If Dick Van Dyke is. Is attempting to make. Is it. What is it called? A sale in realty? No, it's a sure let.

[Nicole Parker]

You can say sale.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sale.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, I. I really think that. I thought that you'd know more. I thought Nick Van would know more.

[Bert Miape]

He does.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

See, that's the thing is, that's why I need a new real estate agent to sell my house. I always assumed he'd come through because that's not my purview. My purview is the relocation and the fixing the car and making sure things look.

[Nicole Parker]

So let's get back to what the wording is around what money you get.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, it's a lot of treasury bonds.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, boy. Oh, no, no.

[Bert Miape]

T. Bills.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a lot. Bitcoin.

[Bert Miape]

Oh, a lot of bitcoin.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A lot, a lot. Copious amounts of that. And so, you know, that kind of.

[Nicole Parker]

That's a unit of measurement for bitcoin coins.

[Bert Miape]

Yeah, lots.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Loads.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, so that. This I'm going to tell you right now, doesn't seem like a great deal for you. Have you seen any. Have you done anything like this before where you actually had a. You had it go. Apparently not south. And you certainly didn't get caught. Did you have any other transactions where you were successful and you got paid loads?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, yes, yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, you did.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Payment. Yeah, payment comes in a quarter. Payment comes quarterly to me. I collect. Collect. It's been fine. I mean, I have. Here, look.

[Nicole Parker]

Did you say it's been fun?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are you not. Do you not have a fun time when you see your. Your building?

[Bert Miape]

It's kind of fun to get paid.

[Nicole Parker]

Money show up in your account.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, it's always a fun.

[Nicole Parker]

I'd like to know. I came by it honestly not, you know, having to, quote, unquote, relocate somebody.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure.

[Bert Miape]

I gotta be honest, if you came by dishonestly, I think that would be even more fun.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, it depends on how dishonest we're talking. If anybody else was, you know.

[Bert Miape]

So you agree there's a little bit of.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, God, you've never, you've never. In your realty work, you've never, you know, someone close to you is trying to buy a house and there's someone who's outbidding them. But, you know, you want your pals, you want your cohorts to ensure they close.

[Nicole Parker]

Following on who? The pal? No, I'm very competitive.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, are you?

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. Always be closing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

I. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are you available? Are you available?

[Nicole Parker]

I'm going to be very clear right now. I will absolutely not help you.

[Bert Miape]

You.

[Nicole Parker]

I will not help you. I'm so sorry. And I don't have anyone to recommend to you because that would come back around to me as well. And my friends would, my colleagues would not be happy with me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

I, I'm not sure that you're going to be able to. Since you're so worried, what do you think is out there that can incriminate you? Why are you so worried?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

My fingerprints are left and right.

[Nicole Parker]

You didn't. Never did anything. Never, never wore gloves. If this is your job, that's usually, you know, one of the careless.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know what, to be honest, I.

[Nicole Parker]

Feel like anyone knows that, you know, crime 101. Wear gloves.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wear gloves. And I, I should have, I should have come here earlier. Seems like you know a thing or two about crime 101.

[Bert Miape]

I mean.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, no, I mean, I just watch movies.

[Bert Miape]

Yeah, we're just going off of things that we've seen.

[Nicole Parker]

Sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, good, good.

[Bert Miape]

Have you not seen any movies in which the criminals are wearing gloves?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, I, you know, I get jealous. I get jealous if I'm watching a movie with a criminal. They're doing a good job. I. Ah, damn it.

[Nicole Parker]

What an interesting reaction. What an interesting reaction.

[Bert Miape]

Why him and not me?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And not me?

[Bert Miape]

Right. They're always, even though they're made up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They'Re always, they're always just so good looking on, on screen, you know?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh yeah, the criminals are always good looking.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. I'm sure you've noticed nobody said anything.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, oh, he wants us to say he's good looking.

[Bert Miape]

I think he wants us to say the opposite, actually. He wants us to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I have no nose. You know, people normally don't like the sight of. They don't like the sight of. Sight of that.

[Bert Miape]

It's uncommon.

[Nicole Parker]

I wasn't going to bring it up.

[Bert Miape]

Yeah, well, of course not.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I appreciate when you were looking at my eyes earlier, I could tell you were looking at my eyes and.

[Nicole Parker]

Not a little bit. Do you want to talk about what happened to my nose?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, I guess. Guess if I have to.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, what I'm, you know, not everyone who's being relocated is excited about it.

[Bert Miape]

Not everybody.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Not everybody.

[Bert Miape]

Some people are excited about. Sometimes you can.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sometimes you can make it sound good, you know? Sometimes you can. You. You make it sound like this is good for them.

[Bert Miape]

What is the pitch? Like if. If I'm. If I'm someone who.

[Nicole Parker]

If you're asleep in bed and your beat's about to be woken up and told you need to be relocated? Because I'm assuming this is when it happens is in the dead of night.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Look, everyone has skeletons in the closet, right?

[Bert Miape]

Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

You're talking figuratively.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Figurative. Figuratively. Sometimes literally, but in general figuratively. Right. So you find your average Bob or Joe. Your average Bill.

[Bert Miape]

I'm going to pause you right there, Tracy. Do you think it would be fun to have, like, a skeleton in your closet to let people discover it?

[Nicole Parker]

You're asking me if they put it together?

[Bert Miape]

Yeah, just for fun. I'll throw it out to the whole room.

[Doug]

Absolutely.

[Bert Miape]

You agree, Doug?

[Nicole Parker]

Doug is a yes. Doug is a hard yes.

[Doug]

Great joke.

[Bert Miape]

That's our producer, Doug.

[Nicole Parker]

Great joke.

[Bert Miape]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hey, that's a good. Yeah, it'd be funny. I'd have a laugh when I'm there at night.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. I might get.

[Bert Miape]

Now let's get back to.

[Nicole Parker]

I think that's good.

[Doug]

Don't write out your nose like N o apostrophe S e. What, babe? I'm just saying.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is that. Are you making fun of me?

[Doug]

You said, like, I got no nose. Or you could just shorten it. Like, I got no.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, no nose.

[Doug]

No. Oh, I'm just trying to work this out in my head.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, you're doing it out loud thing there. Okay.

[Bert Miape]

I don't know, Doug. I don't know, Doug.

[Doug]

I got no nose. I got no nose.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I got no. I got no nose.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, boy. I think we're getting lost in the weeds on nose.

[Bert Miape]

We really are. I also think it's. It's. It can only work written out much like Dick Van Dyke.

[Nicole Parker]

I agree. So. So what? What happened?

[Bert Miape]

Well, not everybody's happy. Make it sound like.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, some people are happy.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. What's the pitch?

[Bert Miape]

What's the pitch to make people happy?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You find someone's skeleton in the in the closet. They're figurative ones. You bring it up to them, you say, this isn't going to look good. You know, when the school board finds out what. What you've been doing, okay. They freak out. Understandably so. It's very frightening for someone to find your skeleton. Right. And then you pitch them. I got a great new place for you to go. You have another realtor? You have. You have another realtor? Oh, is that them coming?

[Nicole Parker]

No.

[Bert Miape]

I feel like I heard another voice on my head.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, it's just some of the focus group people. Oh, that's what it was driving.

[Doug]

You're having them now here early. I don't know what to do.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, my God. Is it even finished? Is the focus room even finished?

[Doug]

I'll workshop the no no's thing with them.

[Nicole Parker]

There's no need to do that.

[Bert Miape]

That'll kill time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I guess you've got to warn me about this because, you know, I. I'm nervous. I'm gonna be.

[Nicole Parker]

You're just. Anytime a doorbell rings, I know you're probably freaking out. Okay. Well, even just saying doorbell ring. Wow. Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right.

[Nicole Parker]

Sorry about that. So we were. We were back on the pitch. Is that correct?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. So. So you find these. These things that they've done.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

School boards happy about this?

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You pitch them. I have a new place for you to move. Sometimes it's a lateral move. Sometimes it's a bit of a downgrade. Sometimes. Hey. Depending on where it's an upgrade.

[Nicole Parker]

So are you moving them within dignity fall generally?

[Bert Miape]

No.

[Nicole Parker]

That's another.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Am I correct, there's only one school board here?

[Bert Miape]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, yes. There's a school board that does the shadow board.

[Bert Miape]

The shadow board is for the religious schools.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Gotcha. Yeah. So generally out. Generally out to a different neighborhood completely. And that way they can start fresh.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's kind of a win, win, win.

[Nicole Parker]

And I'm shocked that you would just sort of classify it as sometimes people are unhappy. You are absolutely extricating people from their homes. You are Ren distortion.

[Bert Miape]

And I don't think they're happy about you not exposing the skeletons. I think you leave them no choice.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. I mean, do you have a weapon of some sort when you're doing this?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Isn't. Isn't the truth the greatest weapon of all?

[Nicole Parker]

Love. When a question like that is answered with another question.

[Bert Miape]

You never love that poetically, too.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, I'm. I'm a big guy. I mean, I'm. I'm a physically imposing guy. The no nos, the no nose.

[Nicole Parker]

That was for you, Doug the Nose Doug.

[Bert Miape]

I hope you're happy.

[Doug]

I didn't love it.

[Nicole Parker]

So then you'll have to forgive him. He's in a focus group room. He's in the mode. Okay, so what happened? Someone obviously decided to fight back.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, yes. You know, not everyone has a skeleton. Some people are squeaky clean.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They've been good their entire lives. Nothing. I can't find anything.

[Bert Miape]

Really. Taking a flyer like you, I would. I would make sure that the people did have skeletons in their closet before I went and tried to force them out of their own home.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, you know, and so sometimes. And this. I'm really gonna come off like a bad guy here.

[Nicole Parker]

Sometimes that ship assailed have to be.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sometimes you just have to physically remove these people.

[Nicole Parker]

This is what I mean. This is. We all knew this. So what happened? What did the person do?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He had a knife.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh.

[Bert Miape]

Sometimes just that simple.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And. And he got a good.

[Nicole Parker]

Sometimes people have knives in the closet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sometimes people have knives in the closet and they whip them out and they. There goes your nose.

[Nicole Parker]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I can't be going to the hospital about that. You know, I can't. I can't.

[Nicole Parker]

When was this?

[Bert Miape]

Why can't you.

[Nicole Parker]

When was this? Why can't you?

[Bert Miape]

I. I think about that a lot. Why can't. Why can't you just go and say somebody did this. They ran by and they did it to me.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, they're just so. They know. They're so. They're so.

[Bert Miape]

Yeah. You don't have to tell them the truth.

[Nicole Parker]

No, but they feel so guilty. They feel like they're going to immediately. The cop. The cops are going to.

[Bert Miape]

Is that what.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Well, you know, in general. Yes. In general, yes. You think the cops are going to be called. It never looks. It never looks like an accident or. Or that it was unprovoked that someone got your nose.

[Nicole Parker]

I guess that's true. And I love it. You said someone got your nose. Like the old game, you know, there's the sweet, innocent game.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's really crazy. That's what this guy did. That's what he's thinking. I got you. I got your nose. I'm screaming, bleeding from my face.

[Bert Miape]

And he's holding your nose.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's physically holding your nose.

[Bert Miape]

Can I. Taunting you, and I hope this isn't insensitive, but no, please. Did you catch the brand of knife that he was using? Because it sounds so sharp.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It was very sharp. Did you Wusthof pro.

[Bert Miape]

Yes. Yeah. Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Fantastic. Fantastic kitchen knives.

[Bert Miape]

Just very expensive.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Bert Miape]

They Are.

[Nicole Parker]

Can we get back to the matter at hand? I want to know when this happened.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This.

[Nicole Parker]

No. This event. This event. Losing your. This denoising.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. This. This happened a couple years back.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, pause. You would think that that would have made you stop doing this.

[Bert Miape]

That's a good point, Joan.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. So what was it that did not make you stop? Did you stop for a small time at all? Did you think, oh, I've got to change my life? To me, that feels like a real aha moment, as Oprah would say.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know, now that you're saying it now, seems like I should have stopped right then and there. But, you know, when your nose is gone, it's like, at that point, what else do I have to leave loose? Right.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, I mean, I would argue a lot. A whole lot. I would say quit while you're ahead.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Ahead without a note.

[Bert Miape]

Quit while you're. Most of ahead.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, you know, hindsight is 50 50. And. And if I could go back, there's a lot of changes I would have made.

[Nicole Parker]

Sure.

[Bert Miape]

Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

I mean, how do you think he. You're a good dad. What's going on? The fact there's children involved in this. I mean, what do they think of the fact that you all of a sudden lost your nose? What did you tell them?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They're not happy. Why? Do you think I'm seeing them cordially?

[Nicole Parker]

No, but what did you tell them? What did you tell your family?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Look, I. You know, I. At the end of the day, I'll say this. I have provided all of my kids. They're set. Harvard, wow.

[Nicole Parker]

What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yale.

[Nicole Parker]

What does that mean? I mean, they certainly. You mean they've gotten in and they're going?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They've gotten in? Who? Tuition. Fully paid for.

[Bert Miape]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right? This is. At the end of the day, this is the deal I made.

[Nicole Parker]

They got in on their own merit. They got in because they have great grades. And what do you think?

[Bert Miape]

Wow.

[Nicole Parker]

I guess. I guess I'm. The joke's on me. Are you really Put me in my place.

[Bert Miape]

So weary, too.

[Nicole Parker]

So weird.

[Bert Miape]

What do you think?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm a fixer.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, really?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Where do you think Felicity learned it from?

[Nicole Parker]

Felicity? You mean the show?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Felicity Huffman.

[Nicole Parker]

Felicity Huffman.

[Doug]

Felicity Huffman.

[Bert Miape]

Also, don't forget William H. Macy. He was also on that show.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, I mean, he was around, like.

[Bert Miape]

He got off no problem.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. It's a little strange.

[Bert Miape]

He was aware of everything.

[Nicole Parker]

I appreciate you bringing that up.

[Bert Miape]

And look, look, I think about it all the time.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah? Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I. I look I gotta say, if I don't sell, not to bring it back to this. If I don't sell my house quickly and get asylum, I'll be in a cell with Felicity soon.

[Bert Miape]

Why do you sell your house?

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, why?

[Bert Miape]

In order to go someplace else.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm sure you want to make money, but just leave.

[Bert Miape]

You're an expert on relocating.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. Relocate yourself. You don't need a house.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a good house. There's money to be sure.

[Nicole Parker]

But you need to let go of that. I think if you need to just get out of here. Here. Leave the house.

[Bert Miape]

Why don't you put the deed to the house in the kids name.

[Nicole Parker]

There you go.

[Bert Miape]

And then they can sell it at their leisure.

[Nicole Parker]

Unless. Unless. Unless burnt. There's something with the house and he doesn't want to leave that. Just gets something under the house. Something in the house.

[Bert Miape]

You know about this? Because this is what people do.

[Nicole Parker]

This is what people.

[Bert Miape]

People have a lemon of a house and they want to sell it. And they don't disclose what the problems.

[Nicole Parker]

No, they don't disclose the ghosts. They don't disclose the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The.

[Nicole Parker]

The lemon. Right, the ghost. Yeah. Yeah.

[Bert Miape]

I was thinking like bad foundation, faulty wiring, went right to ghosts.

[Nicole Parker]

You wouldn't believe how many times people don't disclose ghosts. You're supposed to in Dignity Falls.

[Bert Miape]

That's true. We're the only neighbor that has a ghost disclosure policy.

[Nicole Parker]

Not just that someone died, but are they still currently haunting?

[Bert Miape]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. So what is up with the house? What's up with the house? What's wrong?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, they answer it.

[Bert Miape]

Huh?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What was that?

[Bert Miape]

Answer her question.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, there are a few ghosts. There are a few ghosts which.

[Bert Miape]

A few.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Quite a few. A few.

[Bert Miape]

How big is this house?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know the Victorian, the big one on the.

[Bert Miape]

Oh, that's you. Oh, wow.

[Nicole Parker]

It's called the Victorian. Actually has a sign outside it says the Victorian. People always think it's a bed and breakfast.

[Bert Miape]

That's what I thought.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, God. I gotta turn those people away left and right.

[Nicole Parker]

You could just take the sign down.

[Bert Miape]

You could take the sign down.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But how would people know what the house is then?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, boy.

[Bert Miape]

You could also remove at least the picture of the bed and the egg.

[Doug]

Yeah, the bed and the egg. Eight in the open now.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I have my hours. My hours on it.

[Bert Miape]

That's just from a safety perspective. I don't think you should advertise the hours you're at home.

[Nicole Parker]

A matter of a question of safety isn't really in this situation. Doesn't really mean much. For our guests here, there's a lot to consider. Okay. Okay. So you're saying it's just ghosts. I feel like that's just an easy answer.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What is.

[Nicole Parker]

What is wrong with the house?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, yes. Ghosts. My fingerprints are all over it as well. And I mean, that's okay.

[Nicole Parker]

I don't know why that my fingerprints are all over this house. That's not such a big deal.

[Bert Miape]

That's not an impediment to selling the house.

[Nicole Parker]

It's not.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Certainly not. But it's. It's a worry of mine.

[Nicole Parker]

You know, what's under the house, what's in the yard, what's in the attic.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now, look, you might be thinking, surely I've killed somebody.

[Bert Miape]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, absolutely.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Believe it or not. No. And I can say that with confidence. With confidence, I could say that.

[Bert Miape]

If not pride, you can say with confidence.

[Nicole Parker]

He looked up to the left when he said it, but I.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are you an. Are you an expert lie detector?

[Nicole Parker]

He's watched a lot of movies.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, good. You know that looking left is lying. Looking right is remembering right.

[Nicole Parker]

That's right. That's what I meant to say.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Miape]

Now, so you say you. You haven't killed anyone. You could say that with confidence. I feel like you're. Is it possible you could say with equal confidence that you have not caused someone to die?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, interesting.

[Nicole Parker]

You threw him a curveball.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I. Look, I'll say without confidence that I don't think that that's happening.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. Okay. Right. I guess I appreciate the honesty.

[Bert Miape]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Then, okay, that doesn't sound like a reason why. Those are like, reasons why you can't just leave the house. Like, I think you would have a hard time selling the house because of the ghost thing. Because as we know, you have, you know, have to disclose that. And a lot of people will not buy because of that. Yeah. I would just leave it. Someone will take it over and they'll make a bed and breakfast. Honestly, it's fine. Don't worry about it. Who cares?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You think I'd get any commission on that?

[Nicole Parker]

I think you don't want any money involved with this. I think you should leave and you're going to have to start a life someplace else. I hate this. I hate this for your kids. I don't like this at all.

[Bert Miape]

I don't know that you want to tie yourself to anything here.

[Nicole Parker]

No.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Bert Miape]

Because. Especially if you're. You're. You're looking to. If you're seeking what you call legal asylum, which I guess would involve you going to another country and saying, please, can I be here? Because they're going to arrest me in my country.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Bert Miape]

I don't know that a lot of countries are going to say.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, I don't either.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Really.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is news to me.

[Bert Miape]

You don't what happens, but you see the flaw in this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, what happened with Julian Assange?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, boy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I've kind of been thinking. I. You know, I follow in his track. Snowden.

[Bert Miape]

Right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know, these are.

[Nicole Parker]

Sure. I mean, in this case, though, there. You could argue they had certain information. There was something. There was sort of like. That captured the imagination of everybody, which is why it made sort of. What I mean to say is, I'm not sure they were going around relocating people from their home.

[Bert Miape]

I don't think you're going to find anyone that's going to say, free Tracy.

[Nicole Parker]

Right. That thank you burnt. You put it perfectly.

[Bert Miape]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You say. I mean, everyone who would say it is currently in lockup, unfortunately.

[Bert Miape]

That's too bad.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All my. All my. All my cohorts. All my goons.

[Nicole Parker]

Local lockup.

[Bert Miape]

All your goons.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All my goons. All my goons.

[Bert Miape]

So you have. You have cohorts, then you have goons who are your sort of your henchmen?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're all.

[Nicole Parker]

They're all hockey players.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, they're all in lockup.

[Nicole Parker]

It's not such a big.

[Bert Miape]

Just a coincidence, right?

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I guess. In the end, I think the clear answers we have for you is, no, I will not help you sell your house. Furthermore, I don't think you need to sell your house. Third of all, I don't think you should sell your house.

[Bert Miape]

Oh.

[Nicole Parker]

But we know that you should relocate yourself. It's what you do do best.

[Bert Miape]

It's funny that we're talking a lot about the house sale as if that is the most pressing issue.

[Nicole Parker]

I know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Certainly to me, it is.

[Nicole Parker]

No.

[Bert Miape]

Understood. And we did invite you on the show.

[Nicole Parker]

That was just someone else arriving. So that. That was someone else arriving.

[Bert Miape]

Focus groupers.

[Nicole Parker]

How many are there up there now? Babe, I've heard all sorts of commotion.

[Doug]

14, 15.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, that is too many.

[Doug]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Happy about it.

[Bert Miape]

What would be the ideal number?

[Nicole Parker]

Zero. I don't want this to happen. Okay, I think I've been clear.

[Doug]

Everyone. You're about to see a clip.

[Nicole Parker]

Babe, you're recording our podcast, Nudity. You're not supposed to set it up like you're supposed to. They're supposed to watch it without anyone trying to, like, at least understand what.

[Bert Miape]

It's just a Clip from a TV show.

[Doug]

I only asked them if they were comfortable with nudity. That could be any. You know, that could be anything.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hey, look, it.

[Bert Miape]

Not.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Not to. Not to offer.

[Bert Miape]

I'm sorry, what do you mean, that could be anything?

[Doug]

It doesn't necessarily mean it's in this clip.

[Bert Miape]

Of course it does.

[Nicole Parker]

Unless you're about to get.

[Doug]

Unless. Hang on, dude.

[Bert Miape]

Doug, please don't do that.

[Nicole Parker]

Please don't do that.

[Bert Miape]

At least. At least turn your volume down while you're doing the focus.

[Doug]

Oh, yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

People come into a room and immediately your first question is, is everybody okay with nudity?

[Bert Miape]

Because here I go. All right, Tracy, we can't help you. We can't help you.

[Nicole Parker]

And, in fact, I just think we should probably have you leave before we get in trouble.

[Bert Miape]

We're gonna give you a head start. I mean, you know, if you don't leave now, we're gonna have to call the authorities. I will say this. We'll release this episode. And if by some chance somebody listening to this wants to buy that house. Oh, what street is it on?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's on.

[Nicole Parker]

It's on one of the trees, right?

[Bert Miape]

Yeah. Oh, the Victorian.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, it's on. Not ac, but it's on. Is it on pine? Is it on fir?

[Bert Miape]

Is it on Christmas?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's on Christmas.

[Bert Miape]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's on Christmas Drive. Okay, look, and thank you for that kind offer. Thanks for giving me the head start. You know, you're welcome. I appreciate a head start. Now, I know neither of you want to offer your services to me. Let me go ahead and say I'm free and available to offer my services to either of you if anyone in this focus group going on.

[Nicole Parker]

Nope. I would prefer you not go talk to any of them in there if.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You need anyone Taken care of.

[Nicole Parker]

Nope.

[Bert Miape]

Wouldn't mind getting that Billy taken care of. You know what I mean?

[Nicole Parker]

Burnt. Don't even put the idea out there, okay? You don't want to be recorded saying that. No. What? Billy would snatch.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Billy would.

[Nicole Parker]

No, no. I think you just need to get out of town. Okay.

[Bert Miape]

He had a twinkle in his eye, like, for the love of the game.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Maybe. I know this Billy.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, boy.

[Bert Miape]

How tall is the Billy you know?

[Nicole Parker]

Better get Billy has started.

[Bert Miape]

Tall.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, dear.

[Bert Miape]

Tall, tall, tall, tall.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, no.

[Bert Miape]

The same guy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

67.

[Bert Miape]

68. 68.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, there you go.

[Bert Miape]

All right.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. We normally say, best of luck to you, which I. I don't even necessarily. I don't think it feels right.

[Bert Miape]

We can't say best of luck.

[Nicole Parker]

Best of luck to your Family is what I'm going to say. And I really hope that they can move past this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Because without a doubt, you have shattered their lives.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like they're. They're set. Harvard, Yale, Princeton, full rock.

[Nicole Parker]

I still don't know Seth necessarily means. I don't buy that as I feel like his kids are young. I don't think they're at Harvard.

[Bert Miape]

I would also just a parting word of advice. I would consider some kind of COVID for the hole in your face because it's Gene.

[Nicole Parker]

You would think that after years you'd get a prosthetic of some sort right.

[Bert Miape]

Through and it's a little disconcerting.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, it really is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It works for my line of work, but I guess in my social settings it could be it'd be a. A good prosthetic to have.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, I think so. I think so.

[Bert Miape]

All right, Tracy, well, you have I'm gonna say five minutes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Bert Miape]

Before we make a call.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, good. All right, good. Well, bon voyage.

[Bert Miape]

More when the neighbors listen returns.

[Nicole Parker]

Hi, this is Jennifer. I have a decorative pillar candle with stamp for $20 lard candle with believe chef charm on it. I just don't anymore, you know, I just don't believe. I'm sorry. Please don't at me. I just, I. I lit this candle every single day and all I got was a wax allergy. So I believe in that. If you could come get this for me, please. I need $20. Oh, almost forgot my headphones. Oh babe, did you forget your headphones? Boy, we really all are all out of sorts from that. At least. At least you seem a lot more alive and awake. Burnt.

[Bert Miape]

I mean I was but.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh no, he's back down.

[Bert Miape]

It really took it out of me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, I don't doubt it was a straight up criminal. He was a straight up criminal.

[Bert Miape]

Absolutely.

[Nicole Parker]

By the way, we did call the police.

[Bert Miape]

Yes, we did.

[Nicole Parker]

I mean again, it's a Danny Falls police, so who knows Exactly. They also said we'll give him heads up start.

[Bert Miape]

We might as well call a veterinarian. I mean that guy was. He was a bad guy. He was a bad guy and not smart. Why is he worrying so much about.

[Nicole Parker]

Selling his house with a hole in his nose?

[Bert Miape]

Hole in. I mean four nose.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh boy. Babe, is the. Is the focus group over what happened?

[Doug]

No, they want to watch it again. They said they didn't get enough. They said.

[Nicole Parker]

Did you say didn't get enough enough?

[Bert Miape]

They sound like creeps.

[Nicole Parker]

They just want to see their creeps.

[Bert Miape]

How old are these people?

[Nicole Parker]

Demographic.

[Bert Miape]

You covered Their eyes?

[Doug]

Yes.

[Bert Miape]

How did you cover their eyes?

[Doug]

I kind of jumped in front of the screen and blocked some of the.

[Nicole Parker]

So you covered the screen, not their eyes? What is going on? He's just trying to protect me. He's very afraid that they're going to be mean. Like I said, he's regretting. He's regretting that he agreed read to do this.

[Bert Miape]

Everything about this is wrong and ill conceived.

[Nicole Parker]

Wow.

[Bert Miape]

I've had.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, you know what?

[Doug]

I think you're just.

[Nicole Parker]

Let's just read a post and then get you to bed because this is just.

[Bert Miape]

I wish I could go to bed. I have to go back to work.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, my God. They've all rated this straw head.

[Doug]

They've all rated it 8, 8 to 10. No one, no one was below 7.

[Nicole Parker]

Because the Twins did the rating. So who knows if they did it correctly.

[Bert Miape]

Good question.

[Nicole Parker]

Know.

[Bert Miape]

Does it go up to triple digits?

[Doug]

Probably. Oh, no, they like it. They like it. I think it's promising. I think this focus group's going well.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, I don't want the scene in there so tough.

[Bert Miape]

You should not have agreed to that scene.

[Nicole Parker]

I know. Well, I didn't really. They. I did most of it. Hidden camera.

[Bert Miape]

I have to make the eyelashes.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm sorry, what about your eyelashes?

[Bert Miape]

I have to make the eyelashes for the straw.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, God. What are they in there? Made. That's all made out of straw. You get to use different things. Like the rose half of it is always like Spanish moss.

[Bert Miape]

I can use straw and I can also use vines.

[Nicole Parker]

Vines. Okay. All right. Well, you don't sound happy about it. Here we go. We've got an up. This is a really quick post. Posts like this always just kind of are so curious to me. This is from Eddie. Here's a. Well, here's a picture. I'm just going to show it to you burnt. Okay.

[Bert Miape]

Okay. I will describe what I'm looking at. It looks like a shower and a sink.

[Nicole Parker]

That's right. It says drain cleaning. Slashed slash, clogged drains. That's it.

[Bert Miape]

That's it.

[Nicole Parker]

That's it. It's so unclear because. Is he saying that he's. He's got clogged drains? Is he saying, I will fix your clogged drains? Is he saying because the cleaning, it.

[Bert Miape]

Doesn'T look like if you have a clogged drain. Okay, here's. Here's my justification for the picture. And Eddie, if you're listening, maybe this helps.

[Nicole Parker]

Eddie buckle up because he's about to unleash on you.

[Bert Miape]

So either Eddie is Offering to his services to fix a clogged drain. And he has the picture to indicate. I'm not talking about pools or something that's in the street.

[Nicole Parker]

Right.

[Bert Miape]

These are the kind of drains, but.

[Nicole Parker]

He'S also not saying. He also doesn't specify sink or shower. So, yes, maybe that's why the picture. But that's also. Again, it's all. It's all terrible.

[Bert Miape]

And if he wants. He wants it cleaned, I guess it's the same reasons, like, here's the drains that I need cleaned. Can you come do this?

[Nicole Parker]

Right? And either way, that is the most lazy kind of post possible. Whether or not you want business or seeking someone's business.

[Bert Miape]

It's. It's. It's. You know what it is?

[Nicole Parker]

I shouldn't have picked this one for today because he. This would annoy the heck out of here. It's.

[Bert Miape]

I'm already weary, and this guy is wearying me even further. Eddie, get your head out of your.

[Nicole Parker]

Ass, you further wearied burns. How dare you, Danny.

[Bert Miape]

I hope you go to hell.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, no, this is. You always go too far, Bert. You always go too far. And obviously, after talking to Tracy, too many people have dropped dead. So we not. We need to not have more of that drop dead. Okay, well, we're not gonna. Bert needs to go take a nap, and I'm going to make you. I'm not gonna let you go back to work right now, just so you know. Okay.

[Bert Miape]

I mean, you're welcome to try. I mean, I could be like a raccoon in a corner and.

[Nicole Parker]

And, you know, see, babe, if we had a room with, like, things in a kid's room, like a dark, you know, ceiling full of stars, this would be very comforting to burnt right now.

[Doug]

Oh, he fall right asleep. He's got to get back there.

[Bert Miape]

You know, I find space.

[Nicole Parker]

You had an old prospector's voice at fall asleep.

[Bert Miape]

And I don't find space comforting. I find it very scary.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh.

[Doug]

Like, it's a lonely place.

[Nicole Parker]

Like when William Shatner went up there.

[Bert Miape]

Yeah.

[Doug]

Yeah.

[Bert Miape]

And you know what I got it for from that comment, I was fine with space until he. I always thought I wanted to go right.

[Nicole Parker]

Doesn't that make sense if he says that he's got to be right and it's what we would all feel.

[Doug]

I thought it was amazing that it took him that. That whole trip to get out there before he realized it might be kind of lonely.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, I've always felt like it was.

[Bert Miape]

Maybe he was reading a magazine on the way up and he didn't look out the window.

[Nicole Parker]

I just think you mean his whole life, right? Or you meant just on the right up.

[Doug]

Well, I mean, I don't think it takes that. I don't think it takes actually going to space to realize some of those things.

[Bert Miape]

I. I think he would feel that working on. My dad says. Remember that?

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, I did. I thought it was funny.

[Doug]

That's all.

[Bert Miape]

I. I held it against the show that it was based on a Twitter account.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, my gosh.

[Bert Miape]

And I still do.

[Nicole Parker]

Fair enough. Fair enough. All right, well, everybody, I'm going to sign off for us. Was there anything else that you. You wanted me to say?

[Bert Miape]

Burnt.

[Nicole Parker]

Do I need to remind people?

[Doug]

Oh, sorry. I thought that was the last thing I wanted.

[Bert Miape]

Was forever ago, I guess. Tell people about how to get the bonus content.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, you can go to. I've never done this before. What do I say?

[Bert Miape]

Come on, Joan. You've heard me do it so many times.

[Nicole Parker]

Comedy Bang Bang World. Is that what it's called?

[Bert Miape]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, once again, we don't know what it is.

[Bert Miape]

We don't know what it is.

[Nicole Parker]

If you wanted to sign up for the bonus room episodes, you could do. Do that. You'll find that we have all sorts of things. Movie, watch along somehow. Other podcasts get in there. We don't know how. And if you. And you already told them about the email, if they see a post that they. Okay, all right.

[Bert Miape]

Well, you know, how do they get the access, though, to the stuff?

[Doug]

Oh, I don't go to cbbworld.com. right.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, thanks.

[Doug]

Sign up for the Maximus plan.

[Nicole Parker]

That's right. Maximus.

[Doug]

Don't know what that means.

[Bert Miape]

Don't know what that means.

[Nicole Parker]

We don't know what any of it.

[Doug]

You get reference everything on CBB World and you get our bonus episodes which are exclusive of what else is on full Lengthy World.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, it's something called Threedom, I think. Right.

[Doug]

Something called Threedom. Why don't they say Freedom Podcast, Sex Bodygas.

[Bert Miape]

Yeah, Threedom.

[Nicole Parker]

What? No, it's not. I think it's supposed to be freedom, but there's probably three of them.

[Doug]

Scott hasn't seen.

[Bert Miape]

I don't know. Why are you coming down on me?

[Nicole Parker]

I'm. We're not. We're not.

[Bert Miape]

Scott hasn't seen.

[Doug]

Scott hasn't seen.

[Bert Miape]

Who cares?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, boy. Well, apparently a lot of people. A lot of people.

[Doug]

A lot of stuff. I haven't very popular.

[Bert Miape]

I guess you have to know who Scott is.

[Nicole Parker]

He's got a British guy on there with him.

[Bert Miape]

What hasn't he seen?

[Nicole Parker]

I guess I mean a lot of things. Fried green tomatoes for one.

[Doug]

Well, he should start watching our watch alongs.

[Bert Miape]

Oh, that guy is that guy.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, now you know him.

[Bert Miape]

Yeah, because we were. We did his podcast.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, that's right.

[Bert Miape]

I don't know. Okay, good luck everybody.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, there it is. Good luck everybody. And Bob.

[Bert Miape]

Bye and goodbye.

[Nicole Parker]

All of the posts used in this episode were real. Only some geographical specifics have been changed.

[Bert Miape]

The Neighborhood Listen is hosted and produced by me Paul f. Tompkins and me.

[Doug]

Nicole Parker and me Brett Morris.

[Nicole Parker]

This episode's guest was played by R2 Nazareth.

[Bert Miape]

The neighborhood listen is a production of Comedy Bang Bang world.

[Nicole Parker]

Go to cbbworld.com to unlock the entire history of the show ad free as well as brand new full length bonus room episodes exclusive to Maxima subscribers. Your support keeps the show going.