In Situ with Jacquis Neal

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Neighborhood Listen – "In Situ with Jacquis Neal"

Release Date: April 14, 2026
Podcast Hosts: Burnt Millipede (Paul F. Tompkins), Joan Pedestrian (Nicole Parker), and Doug (Brett Morris)
Guest: Megan (Jacquis Neal)

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Overview

This episode of The Neighborhood Listen dives into the eccentric and darkly comic world of Dignity Falls, blending neighborhood app posts, local oddities, and an interview with an especially intriguing new resident “Megan”, played by Jacquis Neal. The episode begins with classic banter—discussing generational quirks, town gossip, and the status of Burnt's postponed wedding due to a mysterious upcoming incident—before taking a wild turn into true-crime territory during the main interview.

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Episode Highlights & Discussion Points

Generational Banter & Suburbia Satire (00:53–16:00)

• Joan’s New “Old Lady” Habits:
  Joan jokes about phrases she now uses as she ages, like “We had a ball,” and recognizing local landmarks (“Oh, they’re adding a story onto that building”).

  • Memorable Quote (02:39):
    Joan: “I'm trying to know my... I'm trying to be aware of what my lane is.”

• Doug’s Ball Pit Adventure:
  Doug insists he’s podcasting from a newly built (70-foot deep!) ball pit, which leads to slapstick exchanges about noises, safety, and the hazards of vintage children’s games.

• Burnt’s Wedding Postponement & The “Incident”:
  Burnt announces his wedding is postponed as his fiancée Gabby is called away as a smoke jumper. Teased references to a “past incident” implying danger and conspiracy intrigue for the rest of the season.

  • Quote (15:46):
    Burnt: “Gabby has been called to monitor a situation. This is the front lines of smokejumping.”

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Main Interview: Megan’s Mysterious Past (26:52–83:28)

1. Neighborhood App Post & Megan's Introduction (26:52–29:06)

• Megan's post: She’s a stay-at-home mom newly returned to Dignity Falls—thanks to a “house fire” freeing up property—and notes her former work at Walgreens. Immediately, questions arise about her frequent encounters with human hearts.

2. Dark Revelations: Crime Confessions & Surreal Humor (29:06–63:12)

• Explanations & Evasions:
  Megan alludes to seeing multiple dead bodies and claims they died in Walgreens, detailing exposures of human hearts. The hosts ask for clarification and begin to suspect Megan’s involvement in the deaths.

• House Fire & Mysterious Circumstances:
  Megan purchased her home after a “mysterious” house fire on Jackson St. The hosts question her narrative as she continually dodges specifics or provides slippery explanations.

• Confessions Escalate:

  • Megan admits to both arson (starting the house fire) and murdering two Walgreens managers to move up the job ladder, all “for her children.”
  • Her late husband’s death, initially attributed to cancer, is revealed as a poisoning after a failed “phantom thread” (slow poisoning) attempt by Megan herself.
  • Megan frames her murderous ambition as maternal instinct and social survival:
    • Quote (53:11):
      Megan: “I have high character. I do things the right way, and I am there for you.”

• The Walgreens – CVS Blood Feud:

  • Megan claims her late husband was targeted by the rival Von Zahn family (owners of CVS), intertwining her personal crimes with a “pharmacy dynasty” rivalry—punctuated by a long “receipt scroll” math test he failed.

• Strange Children, Stranger Logic:

  • Megan’s children, named numerically (3, 5, and 7), make a brief, disturbing appearance—immediately asking for help in a deadpan, chilling manner.

3. Absurd Justice & Satirical Reflection (63:12–83:28)

• Mothers & Morality:
  As the interview winds down, Megan reflects on her rationale: “If a mom needs anything, a mom should take what she needs. This planet does not care for moms like they should.” The hosts gently challenge her on the limits of personal need and the morality of murder.
• Podcast as Courtroom:
  The hosts debate whether Megan can be arrested for podcast confessions; Doug suggests, “If you turn yourself in, they probably won’t even arrest you.”—delivering more dark humor.
• A 20-Minute Head Start:
  Joan and Burnt grant Megan a “20 minute head start” before calling the police for her litany of confessed crimes.
• Megan’s Disappointment & Closing Chills:
  Megan expresses her disappointment at not finding acceptance, and the hosts commit to caring for her children.

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Secondary Segment: Neighborhood Post Roundup (88:33–93:30)

• The team discusses a neighborhood app post about “Victoria” abandoning an unfinished “painting job,” riffing about misuse of the app and the ambiguity of layman requests.

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Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• On Generational Phrases (02:39):
  “I'm trying to know my... I'm trying to be aware of what my lane is.” — Joan

• On Podcast Confessions (53:47):
  “This is the podcast where we admit things, right?” — Megan

• On Morality & Motherhood (74:41):
  “If a mom needs anything, a mom should take what she needs. … this planet does not care for moms like they should.” — Megan

• On Megan’s Children (65:56):
  “Help us!” — Child, 3/5/7 (simultaneously hilarious and ominous)

• On Murderous Motivation (63:45):
  “I needed to defend myself from humiliation.” — Megan

• On Neighborhood Reaction (84:45):
  “That was maybe the most chilling guest we've ever had.” — Burnt

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Noteworthy Moments

• The Walgreens Family Prophecy:
  Megan describes a faux-Elizabethan job succession clause from the “Walgreens employee manual”.

• Child Protective Services & the Ball Pit:
  Doug keeps “forgetting” Megan’s children are in the 70-ft ball pit, highlighting the show’s blend of absurdity and suburban horror.

• Pivot to Pop Culture:
  Both to lighten the mood and as palate cleanser, the conversation detours into “Pretty Woman” trivia and ’90s rom-com references.

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Flow & Tone

• The episode toggles seamlessly between winking suburbia satire, darkly absurd comedy, and genuine improv mystery.
• The hosts keep the atmosphere breezy—even when Megan casually admits to heinous crimes—by using elaborate sarcasm, twisted logic, and gentle mockery, underscoring both the fiction and commentary elements of the show.

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Episode Structure & Segment Timestamps (Key Moments)

• Generational Satire & Ball Pit: 00:53–16:00
• Burnt’s Wedding Postponed & “The Incident”: 15:34–20:15
• Neighborhood Post & Megan’s Arrival: 26:52–29:00
• Megan’s Confessions Begin: 29:06–40:30
• Murderous Walgreens / CVS Rivalry & Husband’s Death: 40:30–63:12
• Child Appearance & Absurd Aftermath: 65:41–68:00
• Podcast as Neighborhood Court / Megan’s Exit: 67:54–83:28
• Neighborhood Post Roundup – “Painting Job”: 88:33–93:30
• Lighthearted Banter/Outro: 93:31–101:00

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For New Listeners

This episode is a wild, darkly comic ride, exemplifying The Neighborhood Listen’s mix of improv comedy, neighborhood weirdness, and tongue-in-cheek true crime parody. Nearly the entire second act is an extended improv bit in which a seemingly ordinary neighbor unspools an increasingly farcical (but surprisingly deadpan) account of murder, arson, and suburban survival, while the hosts interrogate, comfort, and critique her—as well as themselves, each other, and the quirks of American life.

Prepare for laughs, cringes, and sharp comedy that doesn’t shy away from the dark or the ridiculous—in other words: a classic Dignity Falls episode.

Transcript

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins.

[Nicole Parker]

And I'm Nicole Parker.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website.

[Nicole Parker]

Occasionally, we change the names of some

[Paul F. Tompkins]

streets, and that's all you need to know. To support the show and unlock the ad free archive, as well as exclusive monthly episodes of the bonus room. Go to cbbworld.com and sign up for a Maximus membership.

[Nicole Parker]

And now, please enjoy this episode of the Neighborhood Listen.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Knock, knock.

[Nicole Parker]

Who's there?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Your neighbor Good.

[Nicole Parker]

In Dignity Fall, you're never alone. You've got the neighbor half AV and us, Vern and Joan. From coyotes to male theft to weird things to sell.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We'll cover it all and meet new neighbors as well.

[Nicole Parker]

We'll chat about any posts you're missing. So just tune in to the Neighborhood Listen.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And welcome to the Neighborhood Listen. Ooh.

[Nicole Parker]

He put his arms up like he was on a roller coaster. Ta da. And that was fun.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It was fun, Joan. I had a great time doing it. This is the podcast that looks at the neighborhood of Dignity Falls through the eyes of its many residents, two of which are seated right across from each other. My name is Burnt Mia Pede. I am the pharmacist in chief at the Dignity Falls machine. Here in Dignity Falls, with me, as always, Joe Pedestrian.

[Nicole Parker]

Wee. Oh, that was fun. That was fun. So you don't even know. I don't throw my hands up enough.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, you should. You should put them in the air like you just don't care.

[Nicole Parker]

I knew you were gonna.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's the advice that we're given.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, boy. That was the embarrassing thing, you know, that parents would back in the day, and it was like, oh, mom and dad don't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Parents would say this.

[Nicole Parker]

You know, it's. It's like. It would be like me saying, like, no cap to you. And it's like, no, don't do that. Don't do that. You're too old for that. It's clear it's not for you. It's not for you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But.

[Nicole Parker]

But just say. Just call something darling. That's what I'm supposed to do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's what parents do.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm at the age where I should say things. Ready? Here's the things I should say. We had a ball.

[Megan]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Right. And the second thing is, oh, he's darling. The third is, oh, she's a neat meat galaxy. And then the last thing is, I should say as an older white woman, is if it got to, like, a coffee shop, right? And then. And we went right to the front, because there was no line. But as I'm leaving, there's now a long line. I say, oh, we got here right in time. As if. As if that has anything to do with it. I know myself. This is what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to know my. I'm trying to be aware of what I. What my lane is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you know what I mean? I cannot disagree. You'll get an argument.

[Nicole Parker]

Pat myself on the back, walk it out. Go.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let me ask you about. She's a neat, neat gal. That's in the top five.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm just finding that. I'm calling girls gals now. And, you know, people who are in their 30s, kids, you know, and. And there's not that huge a difference between us, but that's just what's coming out now. Kids and gals, you know, folks. Oh, never used to say that. Oh, and here's another one. Here's another one. That's terrified me. I'm now driving past like a bank. I'm like, oh, I used to be a Chinese restaurant.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Or going, oh, they're adding on. They're adding a story onto that building. Who cares?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What.

[Nicole Parker]

When my mother used to say that, I'd be in the back of the car in my head just going, who fucking cares?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know?

[Nicole Parker]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry to swear so soon.

[Megan]

So.

[Nicole Parker]

So soon. My husband does not allow me to swear in the podcast. Everyone else is allowed to, apparently. I would like to add that. Could I now start swearing?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But, I mean, that's up to Doug, I guess. I mean. Well, look, hold on. It's not up to Doug. It should be up to you.

[Nicole Parker]

Thank you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Bert. Do you hear me telling Doug this is how much we should introduce.

[Nicole Parker]

We should introduce my husband Doug, who's in another room. Hey, babe. How you doing?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hey, babe.

[Nicole Parker]

Sorry for the F bomb.

[Doug]

That's okay. You're allowed to. I've never banished you from saying anything.

[Nicole Parker]

I have never felt like I'm allowed to.

[Doug]

So is your choice. I wish you wouldn't.

[Nicole Parker]

There are. There are times I said it and you go, babe, like, really seriously, like I injured a pet.

[Doug]

Well, I just think it's beneath the podcast.

[Nicole Parker]

I never have.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You think it's beneath the podcast? Well, I mean, which.

[Nicole Parker]

We've had murderers, ghosts.

[Doug]

We could be very fancy people listening to this.

[Nicole Parker]

Fancy?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Really? What is your idea?

[Nicole Parker]

Fancy listeners? I don't think we have fancy listeners.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What's your idea of a fancy person?

[Nicole Parker]

That's a good clarification question.

[Doug]

Yeah, probably with an unusual hat.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

An unusual hat.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, now we have to clarify again. Clarify. Unusual. Hackney. Babe.

[Doug]

Asymmetric.

[Nicole Parker]

Such as? Asymmetrical.

[Doug]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

So like a tinfoil hat.

[Megan]

Oh, no.

[Doug]

That has associations with it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You can also make that symmetrical.

[Doug]

That would be interesting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It depends on your degree. With tinfoil millinery. Good word to get that out.

[Nicole Parker]

You did. Good job. That was a win.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A rare burnt W.

[Nicole Parker]

See? Yeah, I can't do that. I'm using the whole word with my whole chest.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Maybe if you drag it out and enunciate it the way I did.

[Nicole Parker]

Just the word W or win.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, the whole phrase. Like any kind of phrase like that.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, that's what you have to do. If I want to say something young, I just slow it down.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No cap. Then it's sort of acknowledging your age. But it's also very emphatic.

[Megan]

Low key.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. Babe, where are you today?

[Doug]

I am.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hold on, hold on.

[Doug]

I'm in the ball pit.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, first of all, it sounds like you just have your hand over your mouth.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did you submerge yourself after you said that? Because it did kind of sound like you had your hand over your mouth. But then I realized, oh, no, he's.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, no, he's in the ball pit. That's legit. That's legit.

[Megan]

Legit.

[Doug]

Does this sound like my hand over my mouth?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, he's mad. He's mad that we accused him of putting his hands over my mouth.

[Doug]

I'm backstroking.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It does sound like rain on a tent.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. You know what it. It sounds like? Ping pongs on a tarp.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Ping pongs on a tarp. That's beautiful.

[Nicole Parker]

Ping pong balls is what I meant to say. You really do have more notes, Burns.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But you know what? I can. That's the only way I can sing, though.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, you have to sing like an old timey guy to be prompted.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Abc. It's the only way I can sing.

[Nicole Parker]

It's kind of fun, though. It is. It's a good forward placement.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It is.

[Doug]

I bet the original ABC sounded like that, probably.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How old is that song?

[Doug]

It's got to be old enough where the singer sounded like that.

[Nicole Parker]

Certainly since the Alphabet's been around.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You think it's as old as the

[Nicole Parker]

Alphabet for the longest time? They had no way to learn it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They were just like, there's no way

[Nicole Parker]

to get these word letters in my brain.

[Doug]

It must have been like a Gregorian,

[Nicole Parker]

and someone was just walking by going, they're like, wait a minute. Do that again. I Can't whistle very well. So that would have worked better if I could have whistled this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So you were acting out like the sort of the biopic of the Alphabet. Hold on a second. Whistle that again.

[Nicole Parker]

What? Okay. All right. Okay. Say sorry. So it's like the trailer.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, I'll be. I'll be the guy.

[Nicole Parker]

There's an American flag flying because, of course, it started in an American flag flight. Michael Bay is doing this movie, okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He loves America.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He jammed the American flag in the Transformers movies. Do you know the Transformers? I know, I know. We've gone down a bunch of tangents now.

[Nicole Parker]

We really have.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But the Transformers, when I discovered that they come from a planet.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Of robots.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. I forget about that all the time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then they conveniently come to Earth.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Where they're like, oh, there's plenty of. We can imitate a bunch of vehicles here.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm going to be honest. I have not seen. I watched the original Transformers because, of course, I did. Right. Because I noticed when buildings are under construction, but because you notice when building. I said one of the five things I say as an old white woman things. Right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So how does that get back to the Transformers?

[Nicole Parker]

Because I watched the original one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right.

[Nicole Parker]

But I have not seen a single one of the movies. Isn't that crazy? Not a single one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Joan, you're going to have to hold my hand through this one. How did the buildings under construction.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, do you remember my list? Or was it Meet Me Gal? Right. And the fifth one was. Oh, now I drive by and I say, oh, that hospital. They're adding a. They're adding. Oh, I said they're adding a floor to that.

[Doug]

I think this should go on the list, this dynamic right here. Just when you don't understand the problem.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Stay out of here. Stay out of here on this one.

[Nicole Parker]

So you really don't get that I said. I said it differently than I said it in the list, and maybe that's what's throwing you. But I'm just referring to one of the things I do as an older lady, which is notice construction on buildings.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right. And I'm going to ask you for a final time.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. It makes me old that I saw the Transformers cartoon original.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, that's the part as we were arguing. No, we were arguing. You know what? There was miscommunication. It was calm. I never felt my heart elevated. I mean, you might have.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right, you know what? I think it was Doug's use of the term arguing, okay. That made me think we were arguing.

[Nicole Parker]

I'M not sure. I wouldn't say we were arguing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Doug is sowing the seeds of dissent.

[Doug]

I know you're all jealous.

[Nicole Parker]

I don't season 10 off this way at all.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't either. Well, it's already started.

[Nicole Parker]

But anyway, so now back to my point. I saw the cartoon, which means I'm older, and it seems that it would if I was a huge fan of it, which I was. Optimus Prime.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Were you really?

[Nicole Parker]

Hello, hall pass. I'm gonna admit I had a crush on him. If you think that's weird. I know there's someone nodding as they're. As they're listening to this podcast. I know there's a lady out there nodding. Or a man.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, there's people who want to cars.

[Nicole Parker]

These people want to do everything.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Boy, Joan, that's the truth.

[Nicole Parker]

So I've never seen one of the movies. Should I bother?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, I've never seen them either.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, you haven't?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No. Why would you see that?

[Nicole Parker]

I don't know. Because it's a good. I don't know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I already have a problem with them being from another planet of robots.

[Doug]

Cybertron.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's the name of the planet?

[Doug]

Yes. One of the planets?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Cyber.

[Nicole Parker]

One of the planets. Oh, it's the whole neighborhood.

[Doug]

Well, there's Unicron.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Unicron.

[Doug]

There's Giganteon. I'll stay out of it. You asked me to stay out of it.

[Nicole Parker]

I know. You can come back in.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is making me sick to my stomach. I don't like any of these.

[Nicole Parker]

You can come back in. It's okay.

[Doug]

All right.

[Nicole Parker]

The boys.

[Doug]

I'll stay in the ball pit.

[Nicole Parker]

The. The twin. He went through a little transformer time when the tw.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is the first time. I think Doug is lying about where he is.

[Nicole Parker]

Let's hear it one more time. Can we hear the ball?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Make some noise in the ball.

[Nicole Parker]

Is this like. Tell me this. Is it like a bouncy house that's filled with balls? Because that's what it would sound like. That makes sense, because it sounded like they were rolling around on, like you said, a tarp or a. So you know what a bounce house is, right? Burnt. Do you know? Have you had the pleasure?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, I do know what a bounce house is. Thank you.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm just saying what I said last time was so confusing.

[Doug]

No reason to assume.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, Joan,

[Nicole Parker]

listen, I'm not trying to start anything, babe. Is it in a bounce house?

[Doug]

Does this answer.

[Nicole Parker]

No, that sounds like.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And what were you doing just now to make that sound?

[Doug]

I Was. I was swimming in the ball pit, but I'm kind of on the bottom, so I was scraping my knees a bit.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, that was your knees? That sound was your knees.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you think you could replicate that sound?

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, Give it a try.

[Doug]

Yeah. I mean, it hurt.

[Nicole Parker]

I want you to identify which part is your knee.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Doug]

You hear that scraping?

[Nicole Parker]

That's all your knees. You mean the several scraping.

[Doug]

Well, there's a couple balls flying around.

[Nicole Parker]

Flying around.

[Doug]

So I got balls on the. The top, like, on my back.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Doug]

But then I'm just scraping raw skin.

[Nicole Parker]

But why?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why? What's.

[Doug]

Because you asked me to do it again. I don't want to do it.

[Nicole Parker]

I didn't. Listen, I didn't. We didn't mean for you to hurt yourself again.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm actually demanded. No. You could have said no. Demanded Doug. That's strong.

[Doug]

I don't like to say no. I'm an agreeable guy.

[Nicole Parker]

Transform. I'm surprised that he only just now put a ball pit in. That seems like sort of an obvious one. Right. And we used to have a room that was dedicated to the. The boys. You know, they filled it all with BB pellets, and they had a great time jumping in there, and they got stuck everywhere in their body, and it was a disaster.

[Megan]

Oh, no.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh. Up the nose, in the ear, everywhere.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What was it full of?

[Nicole Parker]

Little bb.

[Doug]

Bbs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Smaller than a ball.

[Nicole Parker]

Indeed.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That must have been so many BB's.

[Nicole Parker]

I think that was the advertisement, right? BB, small and all.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The ball. They predate the gun.

[Nicole Parker]

They do. And I mean, you know, we look at kids toys from a long time ago. Boy, they're just. It's like, you know, wooden horse that doesn't move.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wooden horse thing on.

[Nicole Parker]

String. String.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Stick and hoop.

[Nicole Parker]

Stick and hoop. That's the one I was trying to think of. Stick and hoop. Yeah. So the boys had this. My twin boys. I'm talking, of course, about my. My twin boys, Matt and the Gentleman Ghost. The Gentleman Ghost. The gg, as we call him.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure.

[Nicole Parker]

And they had a whole game room. But speaking of Transformers, I didn't want to buy them Transformers because I just thought they were too expensive. I wanted them to learn a lesson. But we had a bunch of. We had some cousins come over and stay with us. They left us a lot of their Barbies, and that's what they tried to turn into cars. So it was these Barbies in horrible shapes made to look like. Just bent backwards with elbows behind them just to make them look like they were a car. It was so disturbing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They make that cracking sound when you bend their limbs.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. Exorcist style, So. But I'm surprised we're just now getting around to the ball pit.

[Doug]

Me too, frankly.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, well, that makes three of us. Is there any plan for it being.

[Doug]

I mean, we've had tons of balls everywhere, but I've just to collect them all and finally make just one pure ball pit.

[Nicole Parker]

Right. So how high up. If I open the door, do they all come spilling out?

[Doug]

How do you keep that deep?

[Nicole Parker]

70ft.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And you were down on the bottom scraping your knees.

[Doug]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And what's the floor of the ball pit?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, that's a good question.

[Doug]

Just cement.

[Nicole Parker]

Cement.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

Granny Doug's in a funny mood today.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He truly is.

[Nicole Parker]

He's letting me think. I can swear.

[Doug]

You've always been able to swear.

[Nicole Parker]

I've never felt free to swear on my own podcast. I always feel representative.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A little bit of a real shame, isn't it? Yeah. For someone to feel like they can't swear on their own podcast.

[Doug]

Well, again, the fancy people. And you never let me describe their hat.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, yeah, sorry. No, I do want you to describe it. An asymmetrical hat. Did you give us an answer?

[Doug]

No.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's as far as I can give us one tip.

[Doug]

It's asymmetrical.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You went right to tinfoil.

[Nicole Parker]

I did. I was a. That was a mistake.

[Doug]

There should be.

[Nicole Parker]

I regret that there should be.

[Doug]

Not tin foil, but something glistening on it.

[Nicole Parker]

That's. Now you're adding something.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Glistening.

[Nicole Parker]

Glistening like what?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Glistening to me always implies moisture of some kind.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. Ew.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Not glinting, but glistening.

[Nicole Parker]

So can you tell us the name?

[Doug]

There should be, like a sort of a point, maybe with a little bell on the tip.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is a fancy person.

[Doug]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

This is not a hat. I recognize.

[Doug]

If you saw this hat, though, you'd be like, that's a. This is a fancy person.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is not a court jester. No, this is a fancy person.

[Doug]

No, see, a court jester's hat, I think would be symmetrical. And it doesn't glisten.

[Nicole Parker]

It doesn't glisten.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Doesn't glisten.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right, well, I'm glad we went back to that.

[Nicole Parker]

So am I. Oh, believe me. Do you have any news for us, Burns?

[Megan]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, you know, you're a. Do you have a date for the wedding yet?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We. This is my news is that we have to postpone the wedding.

[Nicole Parker]

What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Why?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Gabby has been called to monitor a situation. This is the front lines of smoke jumping. Oh, so she is Outside of Dignity Falls right now. Because there is word of another incident.

[Nicole Parker]

Like our incident. The incident that happened years ago that nobody talks about?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

We never talked about it on this deal.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It could happen again and worse this time.

[Nicole Parker]

What? How come? I wasn't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How.

[Nicole Parker]

I. I. This is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I shouldn't be hearing. I shouldn't be telling you.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, this is like, classified.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They don't want to tell.

[Nicole Parker]

Smokejumpers have a high classification.

[Doug]

But I thought there was no way. I thought there was famously no way of seeing the incident coming. That's what we were told.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They've been working on this since the previous incident.

[Nicole Parker]

Who's they?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I can't. I've already said too much.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, boy. You know what? This is going to be a conspiracy season.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, I hope not.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, no, that's going to exhaust.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, do you think I'm. I'm spreading conspiracies? I'm telling you things first of all.

[Nicole Parker]

I know, but once you start saying things like they and they don't want you to know, that always just starts. It starts getting conspiracy for me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I get that. But this, in this instance, it's giving.

[Nicole Parker]

Conspiracy.

[Doug]

It's a conspiracy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A conspiracy. In this. In this instance, there are. There's a definite they. And I know who it refers to, but I am not at liberty to say.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, I. Sure you'll let us know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Don't be petulant.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, it's just like, don't. If it's dangerous, you should let your dear friends know. I mean, let us know if there's danger. Dangerous. Oh, my gosh. But we don't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm letting you know if there's dangerous.

[Nicole Parker]

I didn't get to finish my.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I'm so sorry.

[Nicole Parker]

If there's dangerous things ahead, we should. We should know. Like, give us a timeline. Is this imminent? Is it. Is it like a year from now? They've already been working on it for a year.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It is somewhat imminent.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, boy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

I mean, listen.

[Doug]

Good thing I built a ball pit.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why?

[Nicole Parker]

Why?

[Doug]

It's pretty safe down here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're under 70ft of balls.

[Nicole Parker]

Your knees are all scream.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are they all the same type of ball?

[Nicole Parker]

Good question. Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, Good.

[Doug]

There are surprises in here.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, like what?

[Doug]

Just like you can find little treasures

[Nicole Parker]

and stuff, like in a box of cereal.

[Doug]

A box? There are boxes?

[Nicole Parker]

No, no, babe. I mean, back in the day when you used to, you know, one of

[Paul F. Tompkins]

the prizes is a box of cereal. Yeah.

[Doug]

Then that could have a surprise.

[Nicole Parker]

Is it just crumbs? Your favorite cereal just crumbs.

[Doug]

Just crumbles.

[Nicole Parker]

That's just crumbles. Sorry, I always get it wrong. Just crumbles.

[Doug]

No, I wouldn't give up one of those boxes.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. You really love your just crumbles.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Crumbles.

[Doug]

Absolutely not.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Doug.

[Doug]

There's hard candy. There's hard. There's like chotchkis. There's old.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, but are they rash? It's not just loose hard candy. Please don't say that.

[Doug]

Yeah, they're still wrapped.

[Nicole Parker]

I mean, wouldn't it all just go to the bottom anyway?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I guess if you're doing the backstroke in there like Doug, and you wish,

[Doug]

you can treat it like a wishing well too.

[Nicole Parker]

Can you?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So you can throw coins in there. Yeah, I guess you could do that with anything.

[Nicole Parker]

This is going to be the filthiest room that we have. It's going to be so up on the bottom.

[Doug]

No, one of the reasons I built it was cuz it so it won't be filthy. Cuz I read that the typical ball pit is 3% urine.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, urine.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What?

[Doug]

But this one, we can control who comes in and out and it'll be no.

[Nicole Parker]

That's for sure. Yeah, no urine policy. Great.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So now our kids, our kids, they're getting in the ball pit and then they're just sitting there and going, there's, you know what?

[Doug]

There you go.

[Nicole Parker]

I mean, they'll do that anyway, babe.

[Doug]

Oh, you know, the second a kid's

[Nicole Parker]

out of your sight, listen, he's again, he's talking about Matt and Gentleman Ghost and Gigi because they, once they learned that like animals like spray their territory, that's what they were doing all the time. Yeah, all over the place, you know, and I was just terrible. Stop. It was a terrible phase. And I, you know, and then followed the pyro phase, so I was like, oh, I was yearning for the spraying phase. Do you know what I mean?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did it ever cross over where they would set fires and then piss on them?

[Nicole Parker]

Absolutely. Absolutely. At least that one. They cancel each other out. And I was a little happy for that. That was actually a great summer. Good memories. Okay, so I should hope that you're just going to keep us posted on this second incident.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Of course I am.

[Nicole Parker]

You know, if this gets out, I mean, wait a minute. This is a podcast. Everyone's gonna hear about this now. Burnt. What's the plan? We're gonna freak out.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

By the time people hear this, I'm sure it'll all be fine.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, no, I don't feel confident about that at all.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why?

[Nicole Parker]

Because it's not. First of all, you know how this town is when people panic.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Absolutely.

[Nicole Parker]

It's crazy. It's not only just getting everything off,

[Paul F. Tompkins]

it's like the red hour. They encourage people just go in insane.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, they do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. People are, they're shoving each other, they're biting each other, they're destroying property and

[Nicole Parker]

they have sex all over the place.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All over the place. This is all over. The last time this happened was a big hail storm, in fact,

[Nicole Parker]

and there were so many injuries. So many injuries.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. And then the hailstorm wasn't even that big after it happened.

[Nicole Parker]

It wasn't. It was real. Although again, that's something that's been in the news too. Did you see those gigantic, like cantaloupe sized hail that happened in like Illinois? It was crazy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I did not.

[Nicole Parker]

They were huge.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's pretty big for hail.

[Nicole Parker]

It's very big.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

So listen, I, I just.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How many fatalities?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, I don't know, because I'm not weird like that. I don't want to look up the fatalities like some of our listeners who want violent scenarios. Okay, I'm not accusing you of anything.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I thought it might have come up in the story.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm not going to. I don't look too far for that stuff. I can't, I can't take it on because if I, I'll get too worried. I'll be up all night.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're just like, if it doesn't, I'll be on.

[Nicole Parker]

I'll be up all night scrolling on Hail Talk.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If it doesn't, if it doesn't fit under the thumbnail, I'm not interested.

[Nicole Parker]

That's right. I don't dig deeper. I trust the headline. Let's add that to the list.

[Doug]

Are those listeners still writing to you, by the way, who want the violence?

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. Have you heard back from them? They didn't give them what they wanted. Really?

[Doug]

Does anyone remember slashing the answer?

[Nicole Parker]

Got a couple DMs from people requesting more violent scenarios on the show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They want to hear more violence scenarios. It was surprising and I said it was more than you would think.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, you did.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Was three people, I think. And yeah, they're, they're still writing. They started talking to each other.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, that's probably for the. I don't know, is it for the best?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They're trading violent scenarios.

[Nicole Parker]

Great.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, complimenting each other like, oh, good one. That's pretty violent.

[Nicole Parker]

All right. Well, I'm just worried things are going to turn violent if people hear this episode and stuff hasn't happened yet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm telling you, by the time this comes out, I bet everything's going to be fine.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay? We're going to. I'm telling you, I bet we're into this. I'm not done with this yet, but we pro. How long have we been talking, babe? I'm sure long enough.

[Doug]

Let me hear. Let me see.

[Nicole Parker]

Let me hear, let me hear, let me hear, let me see.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right here. Let me hear you. How long have we been talking?

[Doug]

24 minutes and 18 seconds.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, that's plenty.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

18 seconds. Should we take it up to 25?

[Nicole Parker]

Let's not.

[Doug]

I think we're already there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're mere seconds away.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, we just did it then, I guess. Are we done?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

3, 2, 1.

[Doug]

Close enough.

[Nicole Parker]

Good for us.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We'll be right back with the neighbor listen when the neighbor listen returns. Nicole. Paul. This time of year, it always makes me rethink what's in my closet.

[Nicole Parker]

I hear you, Paul. Wake up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wake up.

[Nicole Parker]

Stay awake.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, no, no. I was just sighing.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. All right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm trying to keep fewer things, but better ones. Pieces that are well made and easy to wear all the time.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, I mean, I can help you with that. You don't have to be sad about it. Ow. Quince.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What?

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, Quince. Oh, come on. You remember Quince. The fabrics that feel elevated, the fits that are thoughtful, and the pricing that actually makes sense.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Of course I do. Because Quince makes high quality everyday essentials using premium mater. Feels like 100 European linen. And they're insanely soft floated our activewear fabric.

[Nicole Parker]

That's right. And their men's linen pants and their shirts are lightweight and breathable and comfortable. And their flow knit activewear is moisture wicking. That's one of my favorite words. Wicking. Moisture, wicking. Anti odor and soft enough that you will actually want to wear it all day.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Holy mo.

[Nicole Parker]

In fact, I dare you to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know what? Challenge accepted. You know what I think about the Quince? And I'm so glad you reminded me of them. The best part is that their prices are 50 to 60% less than similar brands.

[Nicole Parker]

How?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm glad you asked.

[Nicole Parker]

Thank you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Quince works directly with ethical factories and cuts out the middlemen. So you're paying for quality, not brand markup like you have been paying for. By the way, everything is designed to last and make getting dressed easy.

[Nicole Parker]

And I have to tell you, I have a six year old boy and I bought him two of the pairs of joggers that Quin sells for children and I bought them for him two years ago. And he has run holes through every knee on every single pant. All the knees have holes in them except for those pairs of pants from Quince. And that I don't know. If you want proof of well made clothing, I don't know what is a better testament than that. That is that a four year old boy who runs around a lot couldn't couldn't ruin them. And I bought them again for him in the bigger size. He loves them. They're so comfortable. I want them myself.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let me tell you something. I've seen this kid run around. He has murder on pants. Refresh your wardrobe with quints. Go to quints.com TNL for free shipping and 365 day return.

[Nicole Parker]

It's now available in Canada too. Did you know that?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No.

[Nicole Parker]

Go to Q U I n c e.comt l for free shipping and 365 day returns.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Quince.comtnl this is Maria. Assorted clothing items for baby boy. I will give this to someone in need for personal use only, not for resale. You think I'm not gonna know if you show up and take this bag of clothes? You don't think I'm gonna know by your smell if you're gonna use it for personal or resell it? I have a sense of these things. It's a gift that my people have. Don't worry about where I'm from. All you need to know is I can tell if you're gonna use it for your own little baby boy or you're gonna sell it. I'm offering this for free. And I'm offering it to someone that I can trust. Is that you? I can sense right now that someone listening to this thinks they're gonna get one past me. They think that they can fool Maria and they can resell the bag of clothes. Well, you can't. Maria always knows. Maria sees. Maria hears. And Maria knows what you in regards to bag of clothes. This is Maria Tight Elsom Smith. And welcome back to the Neighborhood Listen, Joan, it's that time.

[Nicole Parker]

It sure is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now, what we do every week here on the Neighborhood Listen is we comb the Neighborhap, the social networking application for neighborhoods. We look for interesting people to talk to, people who want to amplify their stories, or people who need help of some kind, or people who have something to atone for for. And this week is no different. And guess what? You can help us out. If you see a post that you think we should talk about, why don't you screenshot it and send it to us? At Burnt and [e-mail]. just like this listener, Jen Pettis. Thank you, Jen Pettis. She sent us this post. This is from someone named Megan. This is in the general category. Megan writes, Welp, I'm new here. Stay at home, Mom. Parentheses will be looking for work soon. And parentheses 35. Three kids lived in Dignity Falls years ago and always wanted to come back. A house fire made that possible. I'm happy to see so many neighbors coming together like this. I love this so much. Happy New Year to all. And then the emoji of the hands making a heart, which is. Oh, yeah, you could just put a heart.

[Nicole Parker]

You could. There's something more human the hands are.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Because you can't do that in. In real life.

[Nicole Parker]

But also, I can't talk to Megan about it.

[Megan]

More personal.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, Megan's saying it's more personal. Hello, Megan and Megan.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Welcome to the neighborhood listener.

[Megan]

Thank you so much for having me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I did not mean to critique your use of the emoji.

[Megan]

Sound like a critique.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm sorry. It's a critique of the emoji itself.

[Megan]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Not of the. Of the user.

[Megan]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Because I agree with you. I think it makes it more human. It's like you're actually making the heart for us as opposed to just letting a cartoon.

[Megan]

Have you seen a heart?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But it's cartoon hair.

[Nicole Parker]

Have we seen our. It looks nothing like that, right? It is.

[Megan]

You can only make that shape with your hands.

[Nicole Parker]

I remember when I first saw that, and I was shocked. The heart is. It's a horrifying shape. There's all sorts coming off of it.

[Megan]

And many hearts.

[Nicole Parker]

How is that actual human hearts?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, Megan, how is that many of them?

[Megan]

Oh, yes, I have.

[Nicole Parker]

Could you tell us how?

[Megan]

Huh?

[Nicole Parker]

Well, you just keep saying yes or confirming in different ways that you see.

[Megan]

Yes, I've seen hearts.

[Nicole Parker]

I've seen hearts. But I'd love for you to tell me why you're seeing a bunch of hearts.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How do you come to see so many hearts?

[Megan]

Oh, I've seen so many hearts because they've been right in front of my eyes.

[Nicole Parker]

Megan did it again.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Megan, we're gonna need you to narrow this down. What is the situation where you are seeing these hearts where they are placed right in front of your eyes? Yes.

[Megan]

If I may be honest.

[Nicole Parker]

Please.

[Megan]

They're usually dead. That's the only time you can see a heart.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, if you're a surgeon.

[Megan]

I'm not.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Megan]

I'm. I'm a stay at home mom.

[Nicole Parker]

That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You think you Were a stay at home.

[Megan]

Mom, I am looking for work.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Megan]

And I'm looking for work.

[Nicole Parker]

What are you. Have you worked in the past?

[Megan]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, so what kind of a job have you done before?

[Megan]

Walgreens.

[Nicole Parker]

Walgreens?

[Megan]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did that involve seeing hearts?

[Megan]

Because I've seen a few.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I used to work at a cvs.

[Megan]

Really?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Never saw a human heart there.

[Megan]

Well, CVS is a lot younger than Walgreens.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Younger than Walgreens.

[Megan]

It is.

[Nicole Parker]

I think that's maybe true. Walgreens been around a little longer, but I'm not sure why that would make a difference in the heart sightings.

[Megan]

Well, in the 1800s.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Megan]

A lot of people didn't. I'm not saying I was there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I was.

[Nicole Parker]

That was my second question.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That was my second question.

[Megan]

I'm not there.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Megan]

We've just. You know, you. You just. There are things that are in a Walgreens manual that you have to do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Really? Things in the Walgreens manual that you have to do.

[Megan]

Would you like me to say what I'm trying to say?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, we. Because it doesn't seem like you're trying very hard.

[Megan]

I've seen a few dead bodies in my life.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Megan]

Okay. Now, I'm not saying who killed them.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, killed. I was not even thinking that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm sorry. You've seen them, like, in situ. You have.

[Nicole Parker]

You have.

[Megan]

I don't know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is not laying in a casket. You have seen people at the. At the place where they died in situ. Yes.

[Megan]

I've never heard that in my stay at home. Mom.

[Nicole Parker]

Realize that's what it meant. Is that what it means?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think it means, like in the place.

[Megan]

Place into place. I've seen instant two bodies. Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why?

[Megan]

Why?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

There were two dead bodies in Walgreens because.

[Megan]

Two dead bodies in Walgreens. Someone was killed there.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, dear. In such a terrible way that their heart was exposed.

[Megan]

Yes. Yes, it was. It was the manager. The manager of the store.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, my goodness.

[Megan]

And then when she passed, I was very lucky to take that position. And I got to work closely with the general manager who also passed away. Heart incentu.

[Nicole Parker]

Both. Both. Both having the same exact heart deaths. Heart related deaths.

[Megan]

Heart related deaths.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now, are they heart related or you just. As a result of their death, you could see their hearts?

[Nicole Parker]

Because that's what I meant to say. Were they torn apart? So horrifying that their heart was outside of their body or visible?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Were they torn apart?

[Megan]

Terrifying. That's why I wanted to leave that town and come back home.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. And then can you talk about this took a turn.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, so this. This happened outside of Dignity Falls? Oh, yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

That's what I was gathering. This happened where Megan came back?

[Megan]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

So can you tell me? This already went a lot of different ways. I didn't think it was gonna go.

[Megan]

I'm so sorry.

[Nicole Parker]

Don't be sorry.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'd like to know how the manual fits into all this.

[Nicole Parker]

I do, too, but can I first ask about the house fire? Because it's just sort of left out there with no explanation. Is this your house fire? Was it your house that burned down? Can you tell me about the house fire?

[Megan]

Oh, no, no, no. It was the house fire on Jackson street here in Dignity Falls.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh. And explain how that made you move back into Dignity Falls.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Great question.

[Megan]

A new piece of land opened up. Up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, okay.

[Megan]

A new piece of land opened up I could build on top of.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So a house on Jackson burnt down to the ground?

[Megan]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And the. The people who owned that land had to leave. They had. They had to leave.

[Megan]

They had to leave.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

Because why didn't they want to rebuild? Because they still own that property. You know, I'm a realtor, so I know these things.

[Megan]

If your house burned down. Yes, you're a realtor. Would you want to live in the same place your house burned down? Mysteriously.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, now, that's an extra addition, but yes, mysteriously. Especially if it's not my fault. Yes. Like burn was saying insurance. You could rebuild. You might have to leave for a little while, while you don't have any place to live, but, yes, you could rebuild.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How mysterious can a house fire be?

[Megan]

Not very mysterious.

[Nicole Parker]

So what are the circumstances around. What do you know about this house fire?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, not. Not.

[Megan]

Not much. No, not much. I don't know much about the.

[Nicole Parker]

Just looking up and away from us, which is also.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

One of them is memory, and one of them is lying. I can't remember which.

[Nicole Parker]

It's looking away is lying.

[Megan]

No, no. Looking up is memory to the right

[Doug]

or to the left.

[Megan]

Huh?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, sorry. That's my husband, Doug, that you're hearing. He's in another room.

[Megan]

Doug, it sounds like you're in a ball pit.

[Doug]

Wow.

[Nicole Parker]

That's very intuitive.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's incredible.

[Nicole Parker]

He didn't even say you had your hand over your mouth.

[Megan]

I just could. I can tell. I can tell these things. Things.

[Doug]

I sound relaxed.

[Megan]

You sound so relaxed.

[Doug]

Sound carefree.

[Megan]

Yes, yes. Back to the point of hand.

[Doug]

I remember that house fire.

[Megan]

You do remember.

[Doug]

It was a blue flame.

[Nicole Parker]

It was. And that was maybe one of the things that was mysterious about it, I

[Paul F. Tompkins]

guess I remember on the news they just kept saying how beautiful it was.

[Megan]

It was very beautiful. It was so beautiful.

[Nicole Parker]

People gathered to. Not help at first. They just gathered to. They started singing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Yes, absolutely. They were singing. Surfing, bird.

[Megan]

Surfing who.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm not familiar with that song. Could you please give it to us a little bit?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Everybody's heard Bird is the word.

[Megan]

Oh, my goodness. You sound very different.

[Nicole Parker]

Sunlight.

[Megan]

Like the first singer to sing a song.

[Doug]

It's so funny because old Burnt would have been able to sing that really well too. Bird, bird.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Bird is probably better.

[Nicole Parker]

Old school doo wop song.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Bird, bird, bird. Bird is the word. Bird is the word. Got people holding hands around a twin flame house fire.

[Megan]

It was beautiful.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, it was darling.

[Megan]

Thank you, darling. I'm not thanking.

[Nicole Parker]

And you didn't know. How did you then get word of the. I'm not even done with the question, so you gotta let me finish the phrase.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Megan, you're sounding. I have to say this. You're sounding very suspicious.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, wow.

[Megan]

I'm not suspicious.

[Nicole Parker]

I.

[Megan]

Listen, listen. I know. I know what this sounds like.

[Nicole Parker]

Well.

[Megan]

And frankly, I am offended. I have three children.

[Nicole Parker]

We know that.

[Megan]

Yes, but I wanted to come back to Dignity Falls and there were no. You're a realtor here. When was the last time you sold a house?

[Nicole Parker]

Yesterday.

[Megan]

Well, on. On my website on Craigslist, it said, no vacancy, Dignity Falls.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No vacancies.

[Megan]

No vacancies.

[Nicole Parker]

We do have a sign, like a motel for the whole town. And it'll say no vacancies or vacancies. And it does change a lot.

[Megan]

And how did. Was that house. How. Why was that house empty?

[Nicole Parker]

It was. Oh, well, it wasn't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wait, were you on Craig's list or Craig's demands?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, we do have a Craig's demand in Dignity Falls.

[Megan]

And it was on Craig's.

[Nicole Parker]

That's the problem.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Our local Craigslist is it List of demand by this guy Craig.

[Megan]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. And one of them is for things.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

One of them is no new friends.

[Megan]

So when I looked for homes. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It says.

[Megan]

Yeah, no new homes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Megan]

Wow. And I took that to heart.

[Nicole Parker]

But. But, Megan, look, I will allow that I have been in this business. I'm the top realtor. I don't want to brag, but I. I know I've. I've been in the game for a while. So I snatch those houses right up when they become available. I always. I know my. I. I know the signs of when people are going to start moving Joan

[Paul F. Tompkins]

has a bearcat skin, so she can hear when there's emergencies happening.

[Megan]

Wow.

[Nicole Parker]

I can hear those conversations at the kitchen table. Do I take this job? But then we'd have to move, you know, and then I. And then I pounce.

[Megan]

I have one of those, too.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wait, you have it tuned so you could hear people's inside their homes?

[Nicole Parker]

Wait, did I probably shouldn't talk about this.

[Megan]

No, you can talk about it.

[Nicole Parker]

No, it's okay. Let's talk about it.

[Megan]

I have one, too. I had one, too.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What?

[Megan]

I have one, too.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, you have rain.

[Nicole Parker]

A home scanner.

[Megan]

Yes, it comes in handy. It comes in handy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Mine just hears police radios and fire.

[Megan]

Everything that has a microphone can pop up on these radios.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow. Everything that has a microphone. Everything.

[Nicole Parker]

It's pretty easy nowadays. Everyone's got an Alexa in their house. It's really. It's not. It's not the house. So then, are you saying that you might have heard. Is this how you found out about the mysterious fire Out.

[Megan]

May I ask you two a question, Please?

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. Feels like a misdirect, but I haven't answered any.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So let's try this correct. Why not mix it up at this point? Sure.

[Megan]

I've answered a question or two. I've answered. May I ask you to. Is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who listens to this great question?

[Nicole Parker]

People from all over that listen.

[Doug]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Not just Dignity Falls.

[Nicole Parker]

We have someone in Argentina that listens to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We have one listener in Argentina. Sergio.

[Megan]

Law enforcement.

[Nicole Parker]

Possibly.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Possibly.

[Nicole Parker]

Listen, we always have to warn people because people have disclosed all sorts of crazy, incriminating information and we have to remind them it's a podcast and they go ahead and do it anyway. That's crazy.

[Megan]

I'm going to do that.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. All right. I mean, it's your choice to thine

[Paul F. Tompkins]

own self be true.

[Nicole Parker]

That's right.

[Megan]

I've come to Dignity Falls and I feel so much better. This place feels like home. It's a happy new Year. The neighbors are just gathering and loving. And it makes me want to be a better person. It makes me want to admit the fire I started.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. I think we guessed why?

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, I think we guessed.

[Megan]

I think it was. Nobody knew.

[Nicole Parker]

Can I also just ask. When did you make this. This post? Huh? When did you make this post?

[Megan]

Oh, I made the post last year.

[Nicole Parker]

You did?

[Megan]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Megan]

Which is. This is January 2nd, and I made the post last year when I made it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I see what you're saying.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, I. Because, I mean, it's. I. I'm. I wasn't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Could we. Would you Excuse us.

[Megan]

Go ahead.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

It's not January 2nd?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, it's not. He's trying to. He's trying to put out a false narrative on the podcast.

[Nicole Parker]

I think so. I don't know. Also, she does the same.

[Megan]

Yes. Use my correct pron. I can hear you.

[Doug]

Sorry.

[Nicole Parker]

We always try to do these asides, and they never work.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They really never work.

[Nicole Parker]

They always hear us.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Maybe we shouldn't stay in the same room.

[Nicole Parker]

We'll put a microphone down.

[Megan]

I was going to be polite and let you whisper about me.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, Megan? So please. This is. So you're. Why are you telling everybody out there that you started this fire? Why is that? Okay. Why. Why is this the day that this is happening?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is that the number one question?

[Megan]

That's the number one question. I need a job. Three children.

[Nicole Parker]

Right, but do you think that admitting that you're now a person who starts fires that you're gonna. That's gonna help you get a job?

[Megan]

Well, how else do you think I'm gonna get the job if not by admitting the truth or murdering someone to get the job?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow.

[Megan]

I'm trying to avoid. I'm trying to be a better person. Dignity Falls.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can we reach back to your previous life outside of Dignity Falls at the Walgreens?

[Megan]

Oh, here we go.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did you murder those people?

[Megan]

Well, I hate that.

[Nicole Parker]

I thought you were gonna ask about the manual.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I gave up on the man, okay?

[Nicole Parker]

I think we have more important things from the 1800s.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I gave up on that.

[Megan]

I ripped their chests open.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

With your bearings.

[Megan]

Santo.

[Nicole Parker]

In Santo.

[Megan]

Their chest.

[Nicole Parker]

Even worse than in situ.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Megan]

Rip their chest over in Santo.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Give me your heart. Make it real or just forget about it.

[Megan]

Yes, yes, and. And yes. I did it. I did it. Okay? I did it. I needed more money. I needed a higher salary. Three children are a lot. I have three boys. They eat a lot.

[Nicole Parker]

Listen, what are their ages and names?

[Megan]

Do you understand Their ages and names. 4, 6, and 8. Their names are 3, 5, and 7.

[Doug]

All right, now, wait a minute. Last year must have been cool.

[Megan]

Last year was so cool.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why don't I get it?

[Nicole Parker]

It's a 67.

[Doug]

3. They were 3, 5, and 7 last year.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, that's right. Sorry.

[Megan]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's like their goals.

[Megan]

They were. I didn't name them. My husband did. He's passed.

[Nicole Parker]

How did he pass? Megan, how did he pass?

[Megan]

Cancer. Oh, well, okay, okay.

[Nicole Parker]

I don't want to ask you more questions about that.

[Megan]

He was a cancer.

[Nicole Parker]

Sorry for your loss.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, and you think that's what killed him?

[Megan]

It doesn't kill everyone.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Astrology.

[Megan]

Have you ever met a cancer?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, I feel like I must have.

[Megan]

And what do you think of them? They are pretty poor. Poor in character.

[Nicole Parker]

I don't know. They're usually type A personalities, aren't they?

[Doug]

The crowd?

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. They're the crabs, babe. They're the crabs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I could not tell you anyone I've ever met what their astrological sign is unless they were born at the same time as me.

[Nicole Parker]

Interesting.

[Megan]

It was yours, Bert.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I prefer not to disclose that on the podcast because people will make judgments about me.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, interesting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I may have said previously when my birthday is on this podcast.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm not sure you have.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I feel like I may have.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. Someone will let us know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And it's not that I don't remember my own birthday. Of course I do. It's that I'm not going to make that mistake again.

[Megan]

I heard. I heard on the scanner. What happened? I've been. I've been circling Dignity Falls. I used to live here.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, I know.

[Megan]

You don't remember me.

[Nicole Parker]

Tell me about that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Forgive us.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, how many years ago was it? This seems like it was a long time. You had three. Did you have the three children here?

[Megan]

No, no. No.

[Nicole Parker]

So that was at least eight years ago. Your oldest. Seven is eight. Right?

[Megan]

My seven. Seven is eight. Seven is eight years old. Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

And.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And.

[Nicole Parker]

And was your husband not well, that he named them numbers. That. That's got thing.

[Megan]

Oh, he was a mathematician.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So he loved numbers.

[Megan]

He loves numbers is what I was attracted to the most.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why those numbers in particular?

[Megan]

Why those numbers in particular?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's what I asked.

[Megan]

Oh, all the. All the minutes he lasted.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All the minutes he lasted, yes.

[Megan]

The first child.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, during conception.

[Megan]

Yes. Eight minutes. Seven minutes he lasted. And. And we time it. We time it. You don't time seven.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I have.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, you have.

[Megan]

It must.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Not on purpose.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sometimes I will. I will notice that I looked at the clock right before commencing penetrative sex,

[Nicole Parker]

and then always has to say after. Every time.

[Megan]

You have to. You have to clarify.

[Nicole Parker]

Every time. Every time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

After my partner achieves orgasm, then I will look at the clock again.

[Megan]

What a wonderful man. You stop when she orgasms.

[Nicole Parker]

That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No matter what happens.

[Megan]

You don't need to finish. No, beautiful.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Never have.

[Nicole Parker]

This is not a conversation. We need to keep going.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Probably right.

[Nicole Parker]

You're. Yes.

[Megan]

He was a mathematician. He loves numbers.

[Nicole Parker]

You know, our violent scenario listeners are gonna be thrilled right now, what with all this chest ripping open and whatnot.

[Megan]

I didn't Want to do it?

[Nicole Parker]

Megan, first of all, that's a pretty superhuman, wild thing to do. I know they say moms to do anything for their kids will move a car, sure. But ripping open a chest and there's cameras in these Walgreens, how were you not caught?

[Megan]

I know the blind spots.

[Nicole Parker]

There had to have been witnesses.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know the blind spots.

[Nicole Parker]

There were no witness. There were no other people in the Walgreens.

[Megan]

It was after hours, and there were three people in there, but they were all in the makeup aisle.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Megan]

That takes a long waiting for someone.

[Nicole Parker]

After hours.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They're waiting for someone to come help.

[Megan]

They're waiting for someone to come help them. And I was busy.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, I've been there. Oh, gosh. Because, you know, you have questions.

[Megan]

You have questions in the makeup aisle. I do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know, I went to. I went to a CVS recently, and I needed some toothpaste, and the toothpaste I wanted was under lock and key.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, boy. Boy.

[Megan]

Insane.

[Nicole Parker]

It is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I just thought. Really?

[Nicole Parker]

I know. And Walgreens, we have talked about how our deodorant in town is, of course, always under lock and key because of the. Because people can cook it and make something called delicious with it. And it's very addictive.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's very addictive. And it looks like it's like a little jail, like a little prison that's like bars and stuff.

[Doug]

There's a little.

[Megan]

Is that here in Dignity Falls.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, my goodness.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There was a delicious epidemic.

[Doug]

You know, I like. I like how they put the little dog with holding the key in his mouth.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Pirates of the Caribbean.

[Megan]

Here, doggy dog.

[Nicole Parker]

I guess they wanted to have some whimsy.

[Megan]

I love that ride.

[Nicole Parker]

It's a great ride. It's a great ride.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I plan. I plan to check it out.

[Nicole Parker]

He been to Disneyland. He walked through the gates and saw all the flowers and was overwhelmed and

[Paul F. Tompkins]

turned around and looked immediately, the flowers were in the shape of Mickey Mouse. Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, that's the magic of it.

[Megan]

That is the magic.

[Nicole Parker]

Scared of it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Too magic for me.

[Megan]

I'm going to do that. That in my yard.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We can't be getting into normal talk.

[Nicole Parker]

No, we really can't. Because acts of heinous murder. And I just want to know what happened to the three people in the makeup aisle. So when you're ripping open these people's chests, they make sound, obviously, Right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

To break the. The breastbone.

[Megan]

To break the chest cavity.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Megan]

It was noisy.

[Nicole Parker]

It was noisy.

[Megan]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, so then what happened with these three people waiting in the makeup Bile.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh.

[Megan]

I went to help them eventually.

[Nicole Parker]

Covered in blood.

[Megan]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

And they had no questions?

[Megan]

They did. They had many.

[Doug]

How good.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How did you answer your question?

[Megan]

Well, the. The first thing I said was. Huh?

[Nicole Parker]

Of course. And then when they.

[Megan]

Please repeat that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why am I cover.

[Nicole Parker]

Why are you. That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's.

[Nicole Parker]

Why am I com. Huh?

[Megan]

Huh? Do you want makeup or not? I can help you look at.

[Nicole Parker]

It's effective. I can't argue with it.

[Megan]

And then I put on.

[Nicole Parker]

And then.

[Megan]

And then they were like, I do. I need one. What do you recommend? And I pulled one out. I put it all over myself. It took the blood right off.

[Nicole Parker]

So here's what happened. These people were in shock. No, they were in shock. They thought you were going to kill them next. And that is why they seem like they had no problem. Hey, what's the teachable moment? Sorry. Hold on, please.

[Megan]

Megan, go ahead.

[Doug]

Yeah, I was saying, to demonstrate how good the makeup is, you cover all that blood. I would think that they'd be so impressed.

[Megan]

Yeah, I mean, Doug gets it, babe,

[Paul F. Tompkins]

but he's so you. You used makeup to cover up all the human blood you had on you.

[Megan]

You're asking this as if you're confused.

[Nicole Parker]

You got it right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I am confused.

[Megan]

This sounds very normal to me.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, I believe that. I absolutely believe that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's not a defense, Megan.

[Nicole Parker]

Nope.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You can't. That will not hold up in court. If you say it seemed normal to me to do this.

[Megan]

Not been in court once, I don't plan to go.

[Nicole Parker]

I don't understand how that's possible.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How far apart were these murders?

[Megan]

Three years.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, so some. And you continue to work at the Walgreens or. No.

[Megan]

Well, yeah, I got the general manager job. It was a lot of money.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, so then you kill $42,000 a year, right? You kill these people to get their job.

[Megan]

This is the podcast where we admit things, right?

[Nicole Parker]

Well, we've. I don't know that we've ever had quite such a stunning admission as this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Was there a line of succession at the Walgreens that. That led you to get the job only after killing the second person?

[Megan]

Yes, there was.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Megan]

That's the question no one's ever asked.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is this how we get into the manual from the 1800?

[Nicole Parker]

You're gonna be so happy birds.

[Megan]

In chapter 2.1, it says, the Walgreens, when built from the ground up, shall stay in the family.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, it's like a prophecy.

[Megan]

It's just like Bible, the Walgreens, thou

[Nicole Parker]

shalt

[Megan]

thou stay in the pro. In the family.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thou stay in the family.

[Megan]

Thou stay in the family.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So were you related to these two people?

[Megan]

I was not. I was not. I married into the family.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, the numbers guy.

[Megan]

The numbers guy.

[Nicole Parker]

What was his name?

[Megan]

John.

[Nicole Parker]

John. And he was a mathematician.

[Megan]

He was a mathematician.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Somehow was related to the Walgreens dynasty.

[Megan]

Yes. John Walgreen.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And so by marriage. John Walgreen. So by marriage. Yes. After his. Presumably his relatives were murdered by you. Yes. Then he became. You became. Why?

[Megan]

Because he didn't want it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh. So he renounced the throne.

[Megan]

And in chapter 3.1.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right.

[Megan]

Thou relative who doesn't want a relative goes to the partner in marriage.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. Thou relative who do not want.

[Megan]

Thou relatives who do not want it

[Paul F. Tompkins]

goes to the partner in marriage.

[Megan]

To the partner in marriage.

[Nicole Parker]

I think we go with. But that's okay. It seems like there's a little bit of an inconsistency with the language.

[Megan]

This isn't the Bible.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It isn't the.

[Nicole Parker]

Sure isn't.

[Megan]

This is from Walgreens.

[Nicole Parker]

It's less violent than the Bible.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The ancient doctors was a time when we were transitioning from saying the and thou to you. So there were still some in there?

[Megan]

There's still some in there. Things were a little inconsistent. I know. I thought it too, when I read it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now you're trying to sound reasonable.

[Megan]

Baby, I am reasonable. Also, you implied that the. The make would be afraid of me, that I would. I would never murder innocent people.

[Nicole Parker]

How were these two people that you killed not innocent?

[Megan]

They had something I wanted.

[Nicole Parker]

That doesn't make them not innocent.

[Megan]

That's not guilty.

[Nicole Parker]

Nope.

[Megan]

That's guilty as charged.

[Nicole Parker]

I'd say you're the guilty one. Out of all the persons in this story, you are the guilty one. And I'm sorry, but I don't mean to keep harping on this, but then what happened to their bodies? Okay, so what happens after that? Like, obviously. So the three women. The three. Well, not women. Whoever they were, they threw the three people leave the store.

[Megan]

Yes, they did.

[Nicole Parker]

I mean, I don't want to give you the answers because I feel like, you know, Megan will just say, oh, yeah, that sounds good. Exactly what happened after they left the store? What did you do with the bodies?

[Megan]

I buried them.

[Nicole Parker]

Where?

[Megan]

In the backyard of Walgreens.

[Doug]

I love that backyard.

[Nicole Parker]

Walgreens did used to have a backyard. I forgot about that. It was sort of weird. You could go out back. You could.

[Megan]

You could either, like, you could barbecue back.

[Nicole Parker]

You could barbecue do. You could do, like, small.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So this is not just a Dignity Falls thing, but also the Walgreens where you were.

[Megan]

Oh, there's backyards here, too.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, yes, we have Walgreens backyards.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I thought you were from here.

[Megan]

It's been a few years. Well, and now CVS has taken over the place. You worked at one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I did work at one, yes. Before I left, I was. I was headhunted for the Dignity Falls.

[Nicole Parker]

Missy, don't use that word. I think Megan's gonna think it's means something different. He. No, he didn't have to kill. He. No one killed anyone to get this job. And if that's what you're thinking. Cvs, Megan, I was thinking I wouldn' think of doing that at cvs because

[Megan]

seems like we have.

[Nicole Parker]

They have a lot more security.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, well, especially, I mean, blood has been shed at that cvs.

[Megan]

It is true.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Guy stabbed himself with a sword.

[Megan]

Really? Now, now, this is maybe at that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But that was an accident. That was an accident.

[Megan]

It was an accident. Who committed the accident?

[Nicole Parker]

See? Exactly. We don't actually mean a murder that someone's trying to call an accident.

[Doug]

No.

[Megan]

Some walb. A larper.

[Nicole Parker]

It was a lesser Walber. It was a lesser Wall Wahlberg.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It was young Joe Wahlberg. Yeah.

[Megan]

Oh, young Joe Wahlberg. I went to school with him.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did you really?

[Megan]

Dignity High.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, that's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know, Dignity High closed down. This is terrible news for Megan.

[Megan]

I wanted my children to go there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm so sorry.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. It's now a big, gigantic, tall, almost skyscraper building. It's like 30 stories high. And the theater's on the top and it rotates.

[Megan]

Yeah, yeah. Is that what that is?

[Nicole Parker]

That is what that is. That's the new Dignity High management.

[Megan]

Wow.

[Doug]

Wow.

[Megan]

Just on the top. Wow.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, that's right. So, okay, I want to.

[Megan]

I don't even know where to go.

[Nicole Parker]

We work some and some old.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's an 80s story.

[Nicole Parker]

Some Russians.

[Megan]

Some Russians, Honestly. Yeah. Guys, we can go to a place where if somebody has a job that they would love to give me. I would love to turn over a new leaf.

[Nicole Parker]

I mean, I. I once you now that everyone's going to hear this locally, I don't know who would want to hire you since you've openly admitted to violent murder and arson. Oh, and arson.

[Megan]

Yeah, true. I know that makes me seem like a bad person, but I have three children.

[Nicole Parker]

I don't want to talk about bad person. It doesn't necessarily make you seem like. But it makes you a criminal. It makes you. It does make you A person who

[Megan]

killed and in this town.

[Nicole Parker]

What? He's a bad. You think Megan is a bad person?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Megan murdered two people.

[Megan]

That doesn't make me a bad person.

[Nicole Parker]

I guess I'm trying to. Perspective. They're trying to do that thing where, you know, you say, I'm a bad person, says, oh, no, wait. We're not talking about Megan's character. We're talking about Megan's crimes right now. Do you understand?

[Megan]

Okay, my character is high.

[Nicole Parker]

No, I wouldn't say that either.

[Megan]

High character.

[Nicole Parker]

High character.

[Megan]

What does that mean, high character?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know that term.

[Megan]

I have high character. I do things the right way, and I. I am there for you.

[Nicole Parker]

Name one thing you've done the right way.

[Megan]

Yes. I stopped at the stop sign.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Megan]

I mean, that's the right thing. Thank you, Doug.

[Nicole Parker]

Doug, Check.

[Megan]

Thank you, Doug.

[Doug]

I do feel that's. That's the wrong question to ask.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. What's the right question?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What's the right question, Doc? Oh, boy.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, he didn't. He didn't.

[Doug]

Well, I'm just saying, if you say, name one right thing you've done, most people could say, could name one thing.

[Megan]

I could name two.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Megan]

I can name two.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right, here we go. Number two.

[Megan]

I pay my tithes and offerings.

[Nicole Parker]

So you're a churchgoer. You're saying I've been.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So you don't necessarily go to church that much, but you do keep up on your tithes and also every check.

[Megan]

Every check. There are taxes and tithes and offerings taken out of my check every week.

[Nicole Parker]

And you said that like they didn't know the day that tithes and offerings are supposed to be given. So it just went to every check.

[Megan]

Every check.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, Every check. How many checks a year?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A two syllable.

[Megan]

Huh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's a real stall.

[Nicole Parker]

I can't wait to listen back to that. That's gonna be studied.

[Megan]

I have. I have a few. A couple a month.

[Nicole Parker]

You give?

[Megan]

Well, not anymore. I'm out of work.

[Nicole Parker]

That's a lot.

[Megan]

Not anymore. I'm out of work.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right. So where. These were the checks from Walgreens, your former employer? Yes. Okay. And. And. And so you've been living on savings, I guess.

[Megan]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right.

[Nicole Parker]

From your husband or.

[Megan]

Yes, my husband.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. What was his job? That. That when you were outside of Dignity Falls? I know he was a mathematician, but was he a professor? Was he teacher?

[Megan]

He was a professor, yes.

[Nicole Parker]

I need to stop giving Megan the answers, I think.

[Megan]

No, I was gonna say that. I don't know why I was gonna Say that.

[Nicole Parker]

How do I know?

[Megan]

I'll say to school.

[Doug]

All right.

[Megan]

Columbia.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, so you were in New York City. That's where you were living?

[Megan]

No, no, no. Columbia Community College. Oh.

[Nicole Parker]

Which is where. What city were you in?

[Megan]

Oh, oh, I was in Sioux Falls.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh.

[Nicole Parker]

South Dakota.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

South Dakota.

[Megan]

That's where that is.

[Nicole Parker]

Wow. I just literally was there a little while ago.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Were you really?

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Megan]

Did you see the building billboard?

[Nicole Parker]

Which one?

[Megan]

In memory of my husband, John Walgreen.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, it is on the way in from the airport. I guess I just didn't think about it. I thought it was a Walgreens ad.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did you. Did you have this billboard? Did you pay for this billboard?

[Megan]

Yes. $42.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right. That's pretty cheap.

[Megan]

It was pretty cheap.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Standard size billboard.

[Megan]

Standard. But there's no lights on it. So at night you can't see.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. I only saw the word wall. It was. Was dusk when I. When I drove into the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why is it the Hollywood sign lit up?

[Megan]

I've always thought that.

[Nicole Parker]

Doesn't it?

[Doug]

It's not.

[Megan]

It's not.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's not.

[Nicole Parker]

No, it's not.

[Megan]

It's dark.

[Nicole Parker]

Maybe a fire hazard. I don't know. Maintenance that you have to deal with.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Cheap.

[Nicole Parker]

That's right.

[Doug]

I wish it was still Hollywood.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Cheap.

[Megan]

Cheap.

[Nicole Parker]

So, okay, you were living in Sioux Falls. He was at Columbia City College. Yes.

[Megan]

Community.

[Nicole Parker]

Community. Sorry. And then he died. Died because he was a. Cancer.

[Megan]

Yes. Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Which is mysterious. Once again, Megan, you have. I. Can you understand how I would find that mysterious?

[Megan]

I can understand.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Megan]

I can understand.

[Nicole Parker]

So what was the actual cause of death?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What did the doctor say?

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, what was the autopsy?

[Megan]

A substance that was unnatural to the body.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That could be so many things.

[Megan]

That's what I said.

[Nicole Parker]

So he didn't die because that was his astrological sign. He died because he was pregnant. Poisoned.

[Megan]

That's what. That's what some people have said. And it was so like the corners, the coroners. There are some people. Not everyone. I don't say that. They're not.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That is true. They're not everyone.

[Megan]

They're not.

[Nicole Parker]

I mean, we can't argue with that, and Megan knows that. So we're wasting time here. Okay, so your. So your husband was poisoned.

[Megan]

Shame how, huh?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

By you.

[Megan]

Now I know what you're thinking.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thinking that you poisoned your husband.

[Megan]

That I poisoned my husband to get the inheritance, to get the. To get the life insurance.

[Nicole Parker]

I mean, it follows the pattern.

[Megan]

And this one I did not do.

[Nicole Parker]

No way.

[Megan]

I did not do that because.

[Nicole Parker]

Exactly.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Because you said this one, it does imply that there's multiple. She's owning up to the other murders. Other murders? Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, my God.

[Megan]

This one I did not do, but someone.

[Nicole Parker]

Now, are you upset about this? Now? You seem like the kind of person who would avenge a death like this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Absolutely.

[Nicole Parker]

With another death. Did. Did that happen? Did you try to seek out who poisoned him?

[Megan]

I found them.

[Nicole Parker]

You did?

[Megan]

I did.

[Nicole Parker]

Who were they and why?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But who were they and why?

[Megan]

Do you know why I was so upset at you for working at cvs?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, first of all, I didn't realize you were so upset with me.

[Nicole Parker]

It has to do with burnt, and I didn't know that either. And Megan is looking right at burnt.

[Megan]

Very upset.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, did not realize that. And why does that upset you so much?

[Megan]

It was someone from the family of cvs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The CVS family poison, John.

[Megan]

The. The crook Von Zahns.

[Nicole Parker]

The crook Von. One of the crook Von Zahs. I have not even thought about the Von Zahns for a very long time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, people don't.

[Nicole Parker]

They.

[Megan]

People never think of them.

[Nicole Parker]

They were.

[Megan]

No one knows what CVS means.

[Nicole Parker]

They were a family of villains and grifters.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

And they dressed in crazy clothing. In fact, you want to talk about. What was the word you used, babe? For your hat? Yes. You want to talk about any asymmetrical hat. That's what they all wore.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. They were very distracting. And you thought, well, this person's so weird looking. They can't be trying to fool me.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Megan]

And they food you every time.

[Nicole Parker]

And they walk down the street shoulder to shoulder. You couldn't get past them. They insisted traffic would stop. They walked all the way up and down the street like that.

[Megan]

And my husband tried.

[Nicole Parker]

And completely in symmetry, like, completely in steps. Terrifying.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It was like sort of like the monkeys, something they cross over their feet.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now, the. The. The. The Von Zeins.

[Nicole Parker]

So why would the Van Sans want to. Go on? Go on?

[Megan]

Sorry.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, you know, in the earliest beginnings of their crime wave, their crime activities, they would do something called the. The long scroll con, where they'd have a very, very, very long scroll. And the idea was. I will, if you allow me to hold on to your money, I'll give it back after I read this from this scroll.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And. And then the scroll will be so long that they would lose interest.

[Nicole Parker]

And that was the Von. That was the Vonskahn Kahn.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The Von Zahn's gone.

[Megan]

The Von.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Megan]

This is very similar to how my husband was targeted by them.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, so tell us the story, please.

[Megan]

They gave him a scroll.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right.

[Megan]

And it was long. And they knew.

[Nicole Parker]

Of course it was.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

In modern times, they're still giving out scrolls.

[Megan]

They still give out scrolls? Yes. They call them receipts now. And it was long. It was long. And they said, we want to give you a test. Write a math solution or math problem with the solution that can fill from top to bottom. And they went to the premier mathematician in Sioux Falls.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Falls, sure.

[Nicole Parker]

But they let the premier mathematician work

[Paul F. Tompkins]

at the community college.

[Nicole Parker]

They left Dignity Falls to do this because they hardly ever leave the town, but they left and went to Sioux Falls to pursue him because they're.

[Megan]

They're popping up everywhere. They're popping up everywhere. I know I've heard you two never leave Dignity Falls, but there are CVS's everywhere.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, I thought you were talking about the crooked bonds.

[Megan]

They are also. They are.

[Nicole Parker]

They.

[Megan]

They take planes.

[Nicole Parker]

They do. Oh, yeah. Because they never used to. Because they couldn't fit. They couldn't sit, like 12. 12. 12 across.

[Megan]

Now they can.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right.

[Megan]

Now they can.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

With the Dreamliner. Yeah.

[Megan]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Now they can.

[Megan]

Now they can. And he couldn't. He couldn't do it.

[Nicole Parker]

He couldn't do it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He couldn't fill the.

[Nicole Parker]

He couldn't feel even type situation.

[Megan]

Couldn't do it. This girl was too long.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, dear.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, there's so few math equations that go down instead of across.

[Nicole Parker]

That is true. That is true. Yeah.

[Megan]

Yeah. Yes. And he knew the two.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Subtraction.

[Nicole Parker]

And he knew the two.

[Megan]

Knew the two. And he still couldn't do division.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Division eventually starts going across.

[Nicole Parker]

I know. No, I was going to say Division 2, but it really does eventually make the little house.

[Megan]

Sometimes you have to.

[Nicole Parker]

Sometimes. What if you turn the receipt to the side and then wrote the problem across? That's what he should have done.

[Megan]

He still would have had to come down to the bottom of the page.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But a receipt was.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm just trying to think of how I could have saved your husband's life.

[Megan]

Where is you? And I needed.

[Nicole Parker]

So is this why you hate CVS so much? Because of those long receipts?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

But why would they poison. Why would they want to kill him? Well, they could just humiliate him. Right. That would have been enough also.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. What was the. Why did they meet?

[Nicole Parker]

Because the crooked von. They usually weren't about murder, you know, they were about humiliation.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Humiliation and money.

[Nicole Parker]

Humiliation and money.

[Megan]

Fine.

[Doug]

Oh.

[Megan]

Oh, fine.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Megan.

[Megan]

No, I was embarrassed.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Me?

[Nicole Parker]

You were embarrassed?

[Megan]

No, I was embarrassed to have a husband.

[Nicole Parker]

Wait.

[Megan]

That couldn't write a math Equation from the top of a receipt to a bottom.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So you murdered him. You poisoned him.

[Megan]

I didn't mean to. I thought he would stay alive. I just thought he would knock out for a few years.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You were trying to do a phantom thread.

[Megan]

I was trying to do a phantom thread and I put too much. I'm not the mathematician. I couldn't do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's not. That's not I couldn't do.

[Megan]

It is. I couldn't do the measurements. I don't know metric to the, the American.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, metric is American. I mean, it's American.

[Megan]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

American is just.

[Megan]

See, you don't know it either. No one knows it.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, you turned me all around there, Megan. I have nothing to say for that. But this is wild. That doesn't seem like a great reason to kill your husband.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It really doesn't, Megan.

[Nicole Parker]

I mean, let me just be clear. There's not a good reason to kill your husband unless you're having to kill him in self defense because he's gonna kill you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Good reason.

[Nicole Parker]

Or, or your child.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Good reason.

[Nicole Parker]

But, but this is this kind of reason. Self defense. How is it self defense?

[Megan]

Do you.

[Nicole Parker]

He's a mathematician.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Just says it was humiliating for you.

[Megan]

That and I needed to defend myself from humiliation.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're very slippery, Megan.

[Nicole Parker]

Wow. I mean it's true. It's really true. It's like. It is like those series when you see someone sit down and try to get into the mind of a serial killer and all of a sudden they're very charming or they're turned around too. You know what I'm saying?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You have to be sitting down.

[Nicole Parker]

You have to be. They always are in the shows.

[Megan]

They always are.

[Nicole Parker]

They're always sitting, they never at the same table. They never stand and have a conversation. That weird?

[Megan]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Maybe they should try standing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They should.

[Nicole Parker]

Maybe they'd get somewhere.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know who stood was Hannibal Lecter.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, that's right.

[Megan]

He was a psycho.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He was standing right there.

[Megan]

He was a psycho.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She turned the corner. What did that man say to you? Multiple migs.

[Megan]

He, he said.

[Nicole Parker]

That's right. That's what he said. Megan, you're too good at that.

[Doug]

I remember what he said.

[Nicole Parker]

How is disturbing one of his famous quotes? So this is a wild journey to follow.

[Megan]

I know. I, I, I'm so happy to be here.

[Nicole Parker]

So it's interesting. What's interesting?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, that's always nice to hear.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, I'm glad because it's probably the last time you won't be in a jail cell. No, I.

[Megan]

Has, has anyone ever been arrested from

[Nicole Parker]

this show that we don't know. But they should have done.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Good question.

[Nicole Parker]

There's a view that we should have had.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

People have admitted to crimes here before.

[Nicole Parker]

We've had. I feel like we've had one or two things where it's unclear if someone had murdered someone else. But we didn't really have a confession. We did not. Certainly didn't have a fl. A confession out of a passion of humiliation. We didn'. And here's the thing. It is interesting that it's not because of the insurance money that you killed him. It's just because you were humiliated. Obviously, that's what kept me close. Yeah. The motives don't even really make any sense.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No. You seem like a very strange person. And scary.

[Megan]

No, I'm a really lovely person, if I can say.

[Nicole Parker]

If I can dare to use a younger term. I think the aura is really bad.

[Megan]

I'm a lovely person. I have three children.

[Nicole Parker]

You. You said we want to meet them.

[Megan]

Can we meet them?

[Nicole Parker]

Did you bring them? They're here. Okay, let's meet them.

[Doug]

All right.

[Megan]

Who's first? Three, three, five, seven. Come in.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, here they come. All right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Help us.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh. Oh, no, please.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And there they go.

[Nicole Parker]

Wait, wait. No, don't. That's. Where are you going to send them? This is my house, by the way. I mean, just. They're raiding my refrigerator as if they'd never eaten before.

[Megan]

No.

[Nicole Parker]

Also, why are they wearing clothes that are way too small for them? They're tearing off of their bodies. They look like invis. They look like Incredible Hulks.

[Megan]

They. Thank you so much.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Imagine if he was invisible.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, my God. I almost did say invisible. Terrifying.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It just got worse. Now he's invisible. The invisible Incredible Hulk.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, dear. But I'm sorry. We shouldn't be laughing. Those children are not being taken care of. And they told us. Help us. Megan, you can't gasp like that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You can't be happy with that. With the kids saying help us on Mike.

[Megan]

It's the first words he ever spoke. And I think that's even worse.

[Nicole Parker]

Hey. But that's not how you greet people. That's not how you greet people. People. And then he told him to leave because I didn't. We didn't even get to meet the other two. Was it rude or was it the truth? And you didn't want us knowing that. Those children, they. They. They need help.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't think it's rude for a child to ask for help.

[Nicole Parker]

And maybe that makes me so either. It doesn't make you crazy?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Maybe I'm a weirdo.

[Nicole Parker]

You're not a weirdo.

[Megan]

You have worked at cvs.

[Nicole Parker]

This thing with the cvs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Honestly, Megan, I don't think you're going to do well to try to tar me with that brush. Can we do something when you're an admitted murderer?

[Nicole Parker]

Don't with that brush. Can you go back and please read this post? Let's just go back. See where we even started. Because we've gone so far afield of

[Paul F. Tompkins]

what was relatively annoying.

[Nicole Parker]

I mean made wish everyone a Happy New Year. I. I don't even know what else happened.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I'm new here. Stay at home. Mom will be looking for work soon. 35. Three kids lived in Dignity Falls years ago and always wanted to come back. A house fire made that possible. I'm happy to see so many neighbors coming together like this. I love this so much. Happy New Year to all.

[Nicole Parker]

Can I ask you what you meant by it's so great to see so many neighbors coming together?

[Megan]

Oh yes, I can. I can talk about that. You see, in Sioux Falls we were not very friendly. Okay. Everybody was in your business. Everybody always has something to say.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And did you kill this person? Things like that? Yes.

[Megan]

Rude questions.

[Nicole Parker]

Not to mention. Now I get the hearts as the head hand. When you talk about how he killed these people.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure. With his.

[Nicole Parker]

That's like. That is chilling. Well, I'm scared.

[Megan]

I'm glad you it is my scared of it.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, I was right Burns.

[Megan]

It is a calling.

[Nicole Parker]

Doug, what do you think of this? Isn't this crazy?

[Megan]

It's like the Sticky Bandits or the Wet Bandits. Turned the water on after every crime.

[Nicole Parker]

Got caught that way.

[Megan]

But they got out.

[Nicole Parker]

No, they did eventually get caught. And then. Don't you remember the policeman says Haha. Nice. Nice calling card. Now we know every single house that you hid in the town.

[Megan]

Oh, I left the movie before the end.

[Nicole Parker]

That's the very end. You had to get off five minutes before I had.

[Megan]

I. My meter was up. My meter was up.

[Nicole Parker]

This before we had parking lots in Dig Falls.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's poor plan.

[Megan]

It's only. It's only two hour meters.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, the old Dignity Falls cinema only had parking meters. So everyone would have to run out in the middle of the movie.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They had a parking lot, but it was for golf carts which were not street legal.

[Megan]

That's what I thought when I was this year. I'm glad to see things have changed.

[Nicole Parker]

Everyone parked at the. At the cinema and walked to the golf course. And then everybody else was running out Babe, what do you think about all this? You haven't really said anything.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What do you think?

[Nicole Parker]

Because I feel like you'd have a lot to say.

[Megan]

Oh, no, those ball pits.

[Doug]

I'm just doing laps. If the kids want to join me, it's fine.

[Megan]

Kids, do you want to go join him?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, they probably do.

[Doug]

In the ball pits.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. Okay, kiddos, you can go join. You can go in the ball pit. Can you take care of them, babe?

[Doug]

Can you tell them they have to promise not to spray?

[Megan]

Spray what?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, my gosh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're right.

[Nicole Parker]

They're not going to spray.

[Megan]

Oh, they don't do that.

[Doug]

All right.

[Nicole Parker]

No, of course not. They're terrified. I feel like we should call child services.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There's so many people we should call.

[Nicole Parker]

There's so many people we should call.

[Megan]

Guys, I was promised that I could come on here and unburden.

[Nicole Parker]

Nobody promised you a single thing.

[Doug]

I was promised the podcast.

[Nicole Parker]

Promised by who?

[Megan]

Huh? The email?

[Doug]

No, I might have said. It's the podcast where we admit things, Doug.

[Nicole Parker]

But did you promise anything? Babe, did you use your promise? We need to know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's where we admit things.

[Nicole Parker]

First of all, that's not correct.

[Doug]

Second of all, that's what she said earlier.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's what she said.

[Nicole Parker]

What she said.

[Doug]

That's not a joke. Even though that's my favorite joke.

[Nicole Parker]

And he's mad. It's not. I guarantee you he's so mad he couldn't make it work. Babe, did you use the word promise at all in the email? This is important.

[Doug]

I may have.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, my God. What would you may have made? What do you. What would you have said? What if you may have made?

[Doug]

I say I promise it's going to be a fantastic time.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, okay. Well, listen, that doesn't mean I promise

[Doug]

nothing bad will happen.

[Nicole Parker]

What are you promising? Guess these.

[Megan]

Thank you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who would come on the show if you said, I promise nothing bad will happen?

[Megan]

Thank you.

[Nicole Parker]

Only someone like.

[Megan]

That's what I thought.

[Nicole Parker]

Who's running from something. I'm not.

[Megan]

I want to stop running. I'm here at Dignity Falls in.

[Nicole Parker]

At the local Dignity Falls police station. Megan, that's the only way to make this right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

And if you ever want to make money, you're going to have to do that, too. You can make money in jail, and that's probably what you're going to have to do.

[Megan]

Doing what? Commentary.

[Nicole Parker]

Commentary. Now that's.

[Megan]

That's interesting commentary.

[Doug]

I like that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What kind of commentary do you think you would do to make you think

[Nicole Parker]

you're going have a podcast from jail.

[Megan]

I would.

[Nicole Parker]

Honestly, it's probably going to happen.

[Megan]

I would have a podcast in jail and I could make a lot of ad money, but I don't want to do that because you two are the professionals.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, well, that's kind of you to

[Nicole Parker]

see taking a compliment you two have.

[Megan]

Wel. You welcome people in to unburden themselves, right?

[Nicole Parker]

But now you burdened us. I am so burdened. I. I've never been so burdened because of all the stuff that I know.

[Megan]

I'm sorry.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I am most burdened.

[Megan]

I'm so sorry.

[Doug]

If you turn yourself in, they probably won't even arrest you.

[Nicole Parker]

Really, babe? That is not true. What do you mean?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, the. I mean, arrest me. That's a wild thing.

[Nicole Parker]

That's a crazy thing to say.

[Megan]

I'm gonna take it to her dignity.

[Doug]

False.

[Nicole Parker]

Three murders that. That were just confessed to right here on the podcast. There's proof. So of course they would arrest because there's evidence. I mean, there's a confession. A lawyer. Megan, it was a confession.

[Doug]

I know, but there's not very competent here podcast inadmissible.

[Megan]

I did not agree to this recording.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They're praying for something like this.

[Doug]

They probably say it's too easy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, of course you agreed to this recording.

[Megan]

I did not agree to this recording. I thought it was a talk by

[Nicole Parker]

sitting down in an email. Yes, it was.

[Megan]

Doug did not put that in the email.

[Nicole Parker]

You didn't put the waiver in, babe.

[Megan]

Wait, what? You didn't say anything about a recording.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, then what do you think a podcast is? Of course it means it's recorded.

[Megan]

A podcast is something you listen to on an ipod.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, exactly. Because it's recorded. Megan, I'm worried about you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. You still have an ipod. Yes,

[Megan]

I have an ipod touch.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You have an ipod touch?

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why was it called the ipod touch?

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, you could touch it, but you

[Paul F. Tompkins]

could touch a regular ipod.

[Doug]

You can touch anything.

[Megan]

You can touch. You can touch anything.

[Nicole Parker]

Almost. That is true.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, after the sun, you can pretty much touch almost anything.

[Nicole Parker]

Almost anything. That's what I didn't say for how long. But you could.

[Megan]

Yes.

[Doug]

Touch a feeling.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Doug]

Oh, wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Doug, are you working on your new album?

[Nicole Parker]

If we were dealing with multiple murders here, I think that'd be a nicer sentiment, but I don't think we have time for that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This. This. I cannot believe how quickly we got to just a horrible thing.

[Nicole Parker]

Horrible things.

[Megan]

I was joking,

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Megan. I. I don't. I don't know.

[Nicole Parker]

I don't Know what?

[Megan]

I was joking.

[Nicole Parker]

No, you can't.

[Doug]

That's looking. Is that.

[Nicole Parker]

Is that Megan's laugh? Cuz that's a weird laugh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think it's a forced laugh.

[Nicole Parker]

It's a weird laugh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think it's a force.

[Nicole Parker]

It's a guilty laugh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Trying to sound casual.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, I don't think it's working, Megan.

[Megan]

I'm as funny as Kevin Hart.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, as funny as Kevin Hart. What?

[Nicole Parker]

What a. What a wild metric.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Just say I. Not only am I funny. I'm sorry, is this specific person.

[Doug]

Not anymore.

[Nicole Parker]

So.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Not anymore. So.

[Nicole Parker]

Megan, I don't think that's true. I don't think that's fair to. Just all that's not fair to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're an unreliable.

[Nicole Parker]

It was just to joke us.

[Megan]

Yeah, it was all true.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Megan]

Just don't want to go to jail.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, I get that. But do you understand how what you did was wrong? This is important. Do you understand?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Great question, Joan.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, because I'm not sure there's usually disconnect. It was wrong to do that no matter what you needed.

[Megan]

I think if a mom needs anything, a mom should take what she needs. Listen, this planet does not care for moms like they should.

[Nicole Parker]

Megan, that's the first thing you said all day.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Blame the planet.

[Nicole Parker]

That's the first thing I said all day.

[Megan]

We should take care of moms.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We should take care of.

[Nicole Parker]

Megan's really putting me in a tough spot because I agree with all this because I am a mom, and I do think that moment. Moms speaking my language. I do think. We don't take care of moms. I think moms should have what they need. But we can't res. We can't resort to. To murder to get what we need because then we're no better than the people that we're feeling oppressed by.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I agree with that. But I have a peanut butter question. Do you consider yourselves to be choosy moms? Because there used to be a commercial for GIF where they would say, choosy moms choose gif. And I, I. I always wondered, is my mom choosy? Did.

[Megan]

Did you have jif?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We sometimes did. That's a good question.

[Nicole Parker]

Choosy could have been seen as, you know, positive. Not. Not necessarily. Not after When Harry Met Sally.

[Megan]

I didn't think it was positive when I saw it.

[Nicole Parker]

High maintenance. This is when high maintenance became a whole thing. And high maintenance does also. Choosy means high maintenance. Did that come from when Harry met sales?

[Megan]

High maintenance.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

I read a book about it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

When applied to a person.

[Doug]

There's a book about that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

An oral history of when actually exists.

[Megan]

Is it here in the library?

[Nicole Parker]

It's about rom coms in the 90s and because Billy decided to make a whole thing about how she needed everything on the side. On the side is what started it. Right. But then also it became high maintenance.

[Megan]

Shame.

[Doug]

That woman who says, I'll have what she's having.

[Nicole Parker]

That's different.

[Doug]

She's being choosy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, she's choosing something. But I don't know if that's.

[Nicole Parker]

But it's a good question. Burnt Choosy moms. It's such it. You know what? That's just immediately what started pitting other moms against each other, even before Instagram. Because it was like, are you choosy? Meaning you make the best choice for your kid and if you don't care and you pick whichever brand you want, you don't care about your kids.

[Megan]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Or is it about. Is it about Megan standing on. Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Megan is so happy that we're talking about this instead of the Megan thinks

[Nicole Parker]

she's got me on a tear. I'm still going to come back to the murders. But just to finish my point, it could have also been negative. Like, oh, you're too choosy. You're a choosy mom, which makes you. It means it's a negative thing. So that's a really good point. Burnt. Because now I'm looking.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are you a real princess in the pee? I'm thinking, why don't you try Jif? See, your majesty, you don't go give

[Nicole Parker]

a about your kids nutrition. Go get some sort of store brand. Get Kroger's.

[Megan]

And now you understand me and your

[Nicole Parker]

kid won't get into college.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right.

[Megan]

And that can't happen. You guys get it now.

[Nicole Parker]

Megan, I get that. I do not get you murdering three people. And. And, and not even to get what I want. No, I mean, I understand why people do, but it doesn't justify. I understand why people do it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know, that's different. You mentioned Kroger. And it's too bad, because in Atlanta there was a Kroger that was referred to as the murder Kroger.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, dear.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And that would have been a great place for you to work, but it's not there anymore.

[Nicole Parker]

Thank goodness. Yeah, it was murdered.

[Megan]

Is there anywhere in this town I can get a loan?

[Nicole Parker]

There's a real. There's maybe a short term memory issue happening. I don't know. We were just out here. You're going to jail, so why are we not talking about.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you remember how you admitted to three murders and an arson?

[Megan]

I do remember that, but it doesn't mean I'm going to jail.

[Doug]

There's the bonk.

[Nicole Parker]

It should.

[Megan]

That's an assignment assumption.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Could you.

[Megan]

Many murderers get all for free.

[Nicole Parker]

I mean, unfortunately, that's true.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Doug, did you say there's the bunk?

[Doug]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Elaborate, please.

[Doug]

Do the bunk.

[Nicole Parker]

That's not elaborating. That's just saying the same thing.

[Doug]

But that's our. That's our city bank.

[Megan]

Doug. Doug, you have to say huh first.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, you're talking about. Don't you coach him, Megan. Don't get in his head.

[Doug]

That's a good idea. Buy.

[Nicole Parker]

Babe, do not listen. Yeah, or you answer. You ask the same question. It buys you more time, too. That's what's been happening this whole time. If you paid attention. But you're too busy doing laps in the. In the ball pool.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But wait, people are referring to the

[Doug]

Citibank as the sue me for.

[Nicole Parker]

You're talking about the bonk. That basically is like, outside, it says no questions asked.

[Doug]

There's. I guess a lot of people pronounce it wrong, but it's actually Lebanon. B, A, N, K. But there's a little. If you look closely, there's a little squiggly above the A.

[Nicole Parker]

Right. But in French, just the word C at the end would already make it lebanc. You don't have to add. You mean there's a little C above the K? What one of those are you talking about?

[Doug]

There's a little squiggly above the A. Squiggly.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, above the A.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's supposed to like an accent or something more curved.

[Doug]

You could call it that.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Megan]

This is the bank.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That doesn't help me know what it is, though. You want to go into the bong?

[Nicole Parker]

All I know is that it says no question, questions asked. Asked in. In Latin outside.

[Megan]

I will be opening a Kroger here in dignity.

[Nicole Parker]

That's what you want to do?

[Megan]

Yes, that sounds.

[Nicole Parker]

I thought you wanted a job at cvs.

[Megan]

No. No.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, okay. All right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Krogers are not. They're not all known for murder.

[Nicole Parker]

No, it's just. It wasn't. That's not the chain.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It was just this one particular Kroger

[Nicole Parker]

owned by Freddy Kroger.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The grocery store guy got burned off.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They thought he was.

[Megan]

Lays for hands.

[Nicole Parker]

Please. Well, right, because he worked in the butcher area.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. And he would do those beautiful topiaries.

[Megan]

Yes. Is that not his door?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, it's not.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's just a coincidence.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, he filet on level salmon.

[Doug]

Yeah, he always slices one. Like sample bit of cheese for you.

[Nicole Parker]

That's right. Very gentle. So gentle.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He says, here you go.

[Megan]

Eat up. My type of place.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Megan]

I want one. I want one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, Megan, I mean, I don't think

[Nicole Parker]

we can do any more here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, I think at this point we would usually wish our guests the best of luck. Don't know if we can do that in. Good.

[Nicole Parker]

I wish your children the best of luck. And I have multiple phone calls to make after this.

[Doug]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Doug, how are the kids doing up there?

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, how are they doing?

[Doug]

I forgot they're in here.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, babe. Telling her how to swim. What do you mean if you forgot they're in there?

[Doug]

It's a large ball pit.

[Megan]

It's okay, Doug. I forgive you.

[Doug]

I've. I have a little bit of a problem here where I don't know how to swim up the ball pit.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh my gosh.

[Doug]

So I might need a ladder situation.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, you would. It's not water situation. You just go down to the bottom.

[Nicole Parker]

There's no buoyancy. There's nothing. Nothing's working out that way. It's just. It's just a hole with a bunch of balls in it and you're at the bottom.

[Doug]

Yeah. If you have enough balls, I think

[Nicole Parker]

you could go rescue the children and Doug. So. Megan, I really hope you do the right thing.

[Megan]

I'm so happy you two are my neighbors.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We haven't done this in a while, but we're going to give you a 20 minute head start.

[Nicole Parker]

That's right. We have done that before.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Before we call the police.

[Nicole Parker]

That's right.

[Megan]

A 20 minute head start.

[Nicole Parker]

That's pretty generous.

[Megan]

Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. We'll take care of your children because they should not.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And that works out to 50 minutes because the cops really, they're not.

[Nicole Parker]

They are very lazy on top of the. Yeah, they're very lazy.

[Megan]

I'm disappointed in how this went.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm sure you are.

[Megan]

I was expecting to be unburdened and can be accepted here in Dignity Falls. After all, dignity is in the name.

[Nicole Parker]

It is. And. And I don't think that murdering people in cold blood just to get something you want has dignity.

[Megan]

They were warm.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, it's your blood that is cold.

[Megan]

Yes.

[Doug]

It means that you.

[Nicole Parker]

Is this the first reason of that? Your blood. Your blood.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It is disappointing, isn't it? To find out you're the one with the cold blood. Sure is.

[Nicole Parker]

It's the only way you can commit those heinous acts.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It reflects poorly on you. Yeah, it does.

[Nicole Parker]

It does.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

More of a figure of speech, really.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, Megan, we of course, will. Will take as good care as we can at the kids and have them placed somewhere safe.

[Nicole Parker]

And I'm also just gonna keep looking by my shoulder for a little while.

[Megan]

Don't change their name.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You better look by yourself.

[Nicole Parker]

I wouldn't. That would be very cruel.

[Megan]

Just their names, please.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We won't.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Megan]

Thank you.

[Nicole Parker]

All right, your time starts now. Bye.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right. And there she goes. We'll be back with the neighborhood listen when the neighborhood listen comes back.

[Nicole Parker]

Hi, everyone. It's Twee. I have a wooden chef nutcracker holding a whisk and a tray of bread dated 2012. Chef nutcracker figurine for $10. I know that when you all think of nutcrackers, you think immediately of a whisk, a chef's hat, and a plate of bread. And so if you want to really bring the Christmas or holiday spirit to your house, come get this guy. He is adorable. Everyone in my house wants a gong because they don't understand why there's not a single bit of red or green. Green or anything festive on them. I said his gums are red. They're blood red. He should see a dentist. But I think you should come and get it. It's $10 again. It's. He's holding a whisk, a tray of bread, and what looks like a joint. So if you're into that, come get it. $10. Bye,

[Paul F. Tompkins]

and welcome back to the neighborhood. Listen. Well, that was major. Maybe the most chilling guest we've ever had.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, it really was. I mean, I guess you do this long enough and that's what's gonna come through your kitchen island. It's just a stone cold murderer.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You do it long enough and then you talk to someone who's murdered at least three people.

[Doug]

This is a neat, needy gal.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're saying it's. It's neat.

[Nicole Parker]

Neat gal. The right context on that phrase, you got me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're just trying to lighten the mood. I understand.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How's.

[Nicole Parker]

Hey, how are the kids?

[Doug]

If you could drop a rope ladder down here or something, that'd be great.

[Nicole Parker]

Did you find any of the children a regular ladder? Did you look for the 3, 5 and 7?

[Doug]

I keep forgetting that they're in here.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, my gosh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How. What are they? Not.

[Doug]

They're probably having. Having.

[Nicole Parker]

You haven't heard any sounds?

[Doug]

No.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. That's upsetting. Just so everybody knows, we did make a call to the police and I, I was put on hold five separate times.

[Megan]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I didn't like when the one guy finally, finally picked up and you told him what was going on and he said, oh, sounds serious.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. And then he hung up. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He made the, he made the noise, the dial.

[Nicole Parker]

And I was like, I can hear you doing it. And he went, so annoying. You get your laughter in the background. So I don't know how that's going to go, but I did call child protective services and someone is apparently going to come out here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, they're too eager.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, they are. Oh, boy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like if you see kids in the park playing around and they'll be like, what's going on here? It's like, well, they're climbing on the jungle gym. You know what I mean?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, it's a slippery slope. It's tricky. It's a balance. It's a balance.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And when kids are on the slippery slope, they start charging over.

[Nicole Parker]

It's hard to balance this crazy apparatus called the slippery slope on playgrounds. And it's just. Oh, God, our boys loved it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Remember that, that thing from when you were a kid, it was just like a big oblong triangle. Just its purpose was to get hot.

[Doug]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The only way to get to the top was to burn yourself.

[Doug]

Burn yourself? Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We have one and it's double sided, so it goes down the other way

[Nicole Parker]

and it's covered in dish soap.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They determined that was the most slippery.

[Nicole Parker]

Yep.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And yeah, kids, they try to. It's like when they grease the poles in Philadelphia.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm sorry, don't know that. Is this after a game when someone wins? No one can climb the poles.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Someone wins or loses.

[Nicole Parker]

That's right. It happens either way.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What happens is the. The residents of Philadelphia turn out to destroy their own city.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And why is that? And I don't know.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Something's different about their DNA, perhaps.

[Nicole Parker]

I think so.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They should be studied. But they, they put grease on the light poles.

[Nicole Parker]

Aha. Actual grease. Just straight up like.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, yes, yes. And then the challenge is declined to the top.

[Nicole Parker]

That's the challenge.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. How does that work out for people?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They make it every time.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Someone makes it every time.

[Nicole Parker]

Someone makes it every time. Wow, that's crazy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, it's got a very World War Z type of yes vibe where they're climbing over each other.

[Nicole Parker]

Anytime I see the footage, it does give off that vibe. You're right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Could you imagine watching that entire Movie.

[Nicole Parker]

No, I, I, I could barely ever make it through the trailer when it's just like. Because it's the one where they're fast, Right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They're super fast.

[Nicole Parker]

So fast. And I see their thing where they all just swarm it like they become a mountain. Yes. And I, and I'm done. I can't. Absolutely not.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's all you need to see.

[Nicole Parker]

That's all you need. I get it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

90 minutes to two hours of that?

[Nicole Parker]

Nope.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Come on.

[Nicole Parker]

Apparently the movie was not at all like the book though. Written by Mel Brooks's son.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. Max Brooks. It was a great book.

[Nicole Parker]

I didn't read that either because, you know, I can't read.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Great book on tape too. Oh, great audiobook.

[Nicole Parker]

Right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I bet a lot of lot of

[Nicole Parker]

Mel brooks

[Paul F. Tompkins]

as the 2000 year old

[Nicole Parker]

man the zombies were running.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Again with the zombies.

[Nicole Parker]

Now that I'd listen to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure.

[Nicole Parker]

All right. But here, right now we have to listen to Victoria, who we've got one more post that Joan.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What a segue. That was wonderful. That was very professional.

[Nicole Parker]

Thank you. And these. You know, I get so mad about post like this when I say this is not what this app is for.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right.

[Nicole Parker]

Victoria says, I started painting job and I don't want to finish it. Eye roll.

[Doug]

A new painting roll emoji.

[Nicole Parker]

Yep. I started a new painting job. Painting job. She says, a new painting and I don't want to finish it. Eyes up emoji. Anyone know? Anyone know of anyone that will do a small job job? That letter you have used before and are happy with. Okay, Prince Victoria, come on. This is not what this app. I will, I will say it till I'm blue in the face. This is not what this app is used for. Okay, I'm sorry that you started a painting job. It's called paint job. By the way. I've never heard anyone say painting job. That was a good catch, Doug, because I've never heard it called that either.

[Doug]

Well, wait, I'm still not sure what she means by that.

[Nicole Parker]

Fair enough.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Painting job makes me think it's. She's been hired as a professional paint job.

[Nicole Parker]

Really?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Paint job to me would be a thing you're doing at home, but painting job.

[Nicole Parker]

So she's just going to quit the job? She doesn't want to finish it. She's painting someone else. She's like, I'm done. Ey, roll. Who else wants to do this? Anyone? Anyone? That's even worse.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I agree, I agree. I agree. If it's at home, it should be paint job.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, that's what we're arguing about. Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think we're not arguing job.

[Nicole Parker]

No, you're right. That. Right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How do you like it?

[Nicole Parker]

Sometimes the word wow. Whoa, wait a minute. Listen. After hearing you do that Freddy Krueger voice, there's something inside of you that. Now I'm just a little bit afraid.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, you think there's a Freddy Krueger inside me.

[Nicole Parker]

I don't know. You're quick to rage sometimes. You got that argument going. That voice was upsetting to me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I am quick to.

[Nicole Parker]

I don't want to hear that again.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I promise I won't do it again on purpose.

[Doug]

I think paint job sounds like a car to me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, that's what I think.

[Nicole Parker]

Really?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Nice paint job.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, nice paint job. Or if. If you're. You have great makeup. You know, it's like we say we are. We have. We're in full beat or a paint job. I've heard full beat paint job could be added as that full beat.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I had to. I. I witnessed it being said. Oh. And I had to do some deductive research.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, right. Because at first you were concerned.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Where does it come from?

[Nicole Parker]

I don't know. I want to say it's from the drag world because.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Must be.

[Nicole Parker]

But it was. But it's also said in theater the whole. All the time. So maybe it is just the theater world. Although it's. What's the diff?

[Doug]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What about war paint? You ever say that?

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, it was the name of a musical about Coco Chanel versus the lady who started Max Factor and Patti LuPone and Christy never saw were in it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, my God. Of course they were.

[Nicole Parker]

Because who doesn't want to know about that rivalry. Come on now. And it was called war paint.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I didn't realize there that that happened.

[Nicole Parker]

In fact, I'm not really sure. It might have been Estee Lauder, the pursuit star Destielard. I don't know. I know it was shit Chanel. And definitely.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Chanel definitely was at war with someone else.

[Nicole Parker]

Was at war with someone else. But anyways, then she didn't have a paint job. It's not a car. This is a painting job. Either way, she's either just given up on herself in her own home, wants someone else to come and fix it, or given up on herself on someone else's home. Also bad.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There's also. There's a better way to phrase it.

[Nicole Parker]

Absolutely.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That. May I see, by the way, can

[Nicole Parker]

you imagine being the client and being on the neighborhood neighborhap. And then you see Your painter, Victoria say, hey guys, I'm done with this. Anyone want to come and take over? And so that's another reason why it's not smart. Bernie's going through it like a job. A small job. Yeah, exactly.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You have used before and are happy with it. Could it be funny if it was she was a professionally employed.

[Nicole Parker]

It would be fun.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you have anybody you're happy with? You'd like to finish this?

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, because I don't want to do it.

[Doug]

Could it be a portrait?

[Nicole Parker]

A small job.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is how I quit small job. Yeah, small job.

[Nicole Parker]

I feel like she's saying small job to get someone to come to do it. It's probably huge.

[Doug]

Could she be painting a portrait?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh my God.

[Nicole Parker]

So wow. Painting portrait of someone. She's just left that person sitting there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Some welcome dowager.

[Nicole Parker]

I did half her face come do the rest of it. It's a nude. So hurry up. She's complaining. Oh, dear. So anyways, I don't know. Victoria figure. Figure out your problems.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, Victoria just do.

[Nicole Parker]

It always makes me angry. These make me angry.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It also just get on there and say, does anybody have a painter they can recommend? You know what I mean? We don't need your whole let us

[Nicole Parker]

know that you just backstory of laziness. Character.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. No character, no follow through. People like Victoria disgust me.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, see, this is what I'm talking about. Then. Now it starts to go up. You take it a little far.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Paint yourself.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, no. You just did it again.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I did so I wouldn't do it and I apologize.

[Nicole Parker]

Dan, you say you wouldn't do it on purpose. So was that by accident?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, that was on purpose. It was just there. I couldn't. I couldn't pass up that opportunity.

[Nicole Parker]

All right, babe, please say you have one child in your view. Do I actually have to come in with a ladder?

[Doug]

Yeah, I think we all need a ladder.

[Nicole Parker]

Believe this.

[Doug]

I think they might be way up there at the top.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They're still better off.

[Nicole Parker]

They're still better off.

[Doug]

3, 5 and 7 sunk at the

[Paul F. Tompkins]

bottom of a ball pit.

[Nicole Parker]

They're still in a stranger's house.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

70 football.

[Nicole Parker]

Maybe they're just napping. They're probably so tired.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I bet they're exhausted.

[Nicole Parker]

So tired, so hungry. I just know I'm going to have to be feeding them tonight. All right, well, I guess what are we having tonight?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Great question, Doug. And you mind if I stay over?

[Doug]

Beef surprise.

[Nicole Parker]

I was going to do this fun tortellini where I because I had some valentine stuff left over.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I want someone.

[Nicole Parker]

It is a fondness leftover from Valentine's and with a red sauce, and I don't want to do that because now it's going to be bloody hearts for dinner, and that's not what I want to eat tonight after talking to Megan.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Leftover from Valentine's?

[Doug]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is. It's pasta.

[Nicole Parker]

It's dry. Dry pasta. It's dry tortellini.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, it's. It's not. Oh, okay. It's. You haven't made this pasta yet. Yes, it is the truth.

[Megan]

Dry.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

It's in the. It's in the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I guess the word leftover confused me.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm sorry. Yes. I. I bought these cute heart shaped tortellinis and I thought they'd be fun.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh.

[Nicole Parker]

But we didn't end up having a Valentine's Day because we had to go to the hospital with the boys that night. Remember that, babe?

[Doug]

Of course,

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Doug. Tell us all about it. You remember it?

[Doug]

I do. They got. They were shoving the heart shaped tortellinis in their nose.

[Nicole Parker]

They were.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They're in their 20s. Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Again, you say that like it should matter. It doesn't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But this is not. I look.

[Doug]

But they were working on. To be fair, they were working on a Valentine's gift for their mom. They wanted heart shaped nostrils.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So weird.

[Nicole Parker]

They wanted to make an entire dress out of the tortellini for me. And it was very nose factor in heart shaped nostrils. Yes. They also built a mask for me out of tortellini. And they were trying it on. So they were trying on the dress and they were trying on the mask.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So they did make the dress.

[Nicole Parker]

I mean, if you can call it a dress. And it looked like something like out of Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A mask. Like a Covid mask out of tortellini?

[Nicole Parker]

No, like a.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like an Eyes Wide Shut mask.

[Nicole Parker]

No, no, more like a. Well, I guess maybe like. See, I would think a Phantom. The Opera Masquerade, you know, like. Or Amadeus mask. The one you just told up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Oh, on the lorgnette.

[Nicole Parker]

On the lorgnette. That's right. His glasses, Lauren, yet is what you use. That's more like the. The opera glasses.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Right. When Julia Roberts says, these are broken, mine are broken, which is always funny to me. It's a very sweet little moment in that movie. I love it. I don't think it gets enough attention. She just flicks them around. She goes, these are broken. Mine are broken. It's a very funny moment, everybody, to go, look it up. This is not a movie podcast.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Everybody

[Nicole Parker]

do you do. You know more than three things about Pretty Woman. Burnt.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I know more than three things.

[Nicole Parker]

You do. Okay, good. All right. This is maybe one of the first ones we talked about. What's going on, babe?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Doug. What?

[Doug]

I was trying to sing Pretty Woman.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, you're trying to do the noise.

[Doug]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That just sound like something. You having an episode of some kind

[Nicole Parker]

of sounded like a possession.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sounded like your eyes were rolling back in your head.

[Nicole Parker]

That's exactly what I pictured too. And I thought, oh, he's drowning. He's dry drowning in the ball.

[Doug]

That sounds like gargling.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It sounds like gargling and I admit it. Here's what I know about Pretty Woman.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Self employed sex worker.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. Well done, well spoken.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Snapping necklace box shut.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Classic creepy George Costanza.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. That's unfortunate.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's in a racehorse.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, babe. He plays.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's a terrible guy.

[Nicole Parker]

He plays just a no good guy. And he tries to come onto her and then he slaps her.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's a no no good guy.

[Nicole Parker]

His name is like Sully or Smitty or something. I can't remember.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Does he know Richard Gere somehow?

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. He's like an associate.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, I know. Racetrack, polka dot dress.

[Nicole Parker]

Very good.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Arsenio hall noise.

[Nicole Parker]

That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I know. Laughing in the bathtub.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, that's it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The end.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. Not Cinda Rella. Sorry, but we're bookending with the two. Thank you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Don't know that. Who says that?

[Nicole Parker]

Laura Sangiacomo, her fellow sex worker. Yes. Who can't believe how. How lucky she's gotten, I imagine. And then lay like broccoli, which always annoyed me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Lay like broccoli.

[Nicole Parker]

Yep. Papa squat is what she says. And he acts like I've never heard that before. What is this commoner human term? I'm a rich person. And they lay down. Down on the ground. Instead of going to work. He lays down on the ground and they have a picnic. And then she says, lay like broccoli, which just doesn't make sense.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Lay like broccoli?

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. It's one of those quirky, fun things they gave her to say.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure.

[Nicole Parker]

That would make her unmemorable. I mean, sorry. Memorable. Unforgettable. That's what I wanted to say. Sorry. It happens sometimes, everybody. Sometimes it takes me a minute to get to the word sure. It's just gonna happen.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There's too many words out there.

[Doug]

There's way too many words. I bet. Burnt. I bet you have a hard time seeing Richard Gerer in anything other than Arkansas.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Maybe that's it. Yeah. You're just looking at him and thinking he's the same Char in a different situation.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I'm not.

[Doug]

This is just lesser arbitrage.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I do stack up.

[Nicole Parker]

I think we're in the same universe.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Everything he's in, I stack up against. Arbitrage, for sure.

[Nicole Parker]

Absolutely. Officer and a Gentleman.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, closer and arbitrage it is. Not quite arbitrage.

[Nicole Parker]

Not quite arbitrage. That's where movies are determined. Not arbitrage. Not quite arbitrage.

[Doug]

Not bad.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's no arbitrage. All right, we should probably stop talking.

[Nicole Parker]

We should. We should.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you, everyone, for listening. If you would like to hear ad free versions of the Neighborhood Listen and also our access our bonus content, you can go to cbb world.com sign up on the Maximus here and you'll get that fun stuff. Yeah. Oh, Instagram. You can follow us on Instagram at the Neighborhood Listen. We post the posts that we post.

[Nicole Parker]

That's right. You said it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We post the post that we talk about.

[Doug]

Post with the most.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We post with the most.

[Nicole Parker]

Good one, babe.

[Doug]

I like it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Good one, Doug.

[Nicole Parker]

And we will be talking about the incident more next time. Burned. I'm not going to forget about it. About it.

[Doug]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, I. I will. I will keep you abreast of the situation. I will keep you apprised.

[Nicole Parker]

Thank you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And Doug, take us out.

[Doug]

Oh, good night. No. What do you say? Bye. I've never. You're just throwing. Just springing this on me and I'm. I've thought about this.

[Nicole Parker]

So much of a pit. And he can't see anything so much.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What does that mean? To take us out?

[Megan]

Jeez.

[Nicole Parker]

How about this, babe?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Just do it live. Oh, what?

[Nicole Parker]

What is that? Try again.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Stupid thing sucks.

[Nicole Parker]

And bye. All of the posts used in this episode were real. Only some geographical specifics have been changed.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The Neighborhood Listen is hosted and produced by me, Paul F. Tompkins.

[Nicole Parker]

And me, Nicole Parker.

[Doug]

And me, Brett Morris.

[Nicole Parker]

Today's guest was played by Jacquis Neil.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The Neighborhood Listen is a production of Comedy Bang Bang world.

[Nicole Parker]

Go to cbbworld.com to unlock the entire history of the show ad free as well as brand new full length bonus room episodes exclusive to Maxima subscribers. Your support keeps the show going. Hi, I am Mandy Moore.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sterling K. Brown. And I'm Chris Sullivan.

[Megan]

And we host the podcast that Was us.

[Nicole Parker]

Now, on each episode, we're gonna go into a deep dive from our show. This is us.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right.

[Nicole Parker]

We're gonna go episode by episode. We're also gonna pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are we gonna cry? Yes, a little bit.

[Megan]

Are we gonna laugh a lot.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A whole lot. That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to that. Was us on your favorite podcast app. Or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify new episodes every Tuesday.