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Audible's romance collection has something to satisfy every side of you when it comes to what kind of romance you're into. You don't have to choose just one fancy a dalliance with a duke or maybe a steamy billionaire. You could find a book boyfriend in the city and another one tearing it up on the hockey field. And if nothing on this earth satisfies, you can always find love in another realm. Discover modern rom coms from authors like Lily Chu and Ali Hazelwood. The latest romantasy series from Sarah J. Maas and Rebecca Yarros, plus Regency favorites like Bridgerton and Outlander, and of course, all the really steamy stuff. Your first great love story is free when you sign up for a free 30 day trial at audible.com wondery that's audible.com wondery hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins. And I'm Nicole Parker.
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On this podcast, we improvise and character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website.
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Occasionally, we change the names of some.
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Streets and that's all you need to know to support the show and unlock the ad free archive, as well as exclusive monthly episodes of the bonus room. Go to cbbworld.com and sign up for a MA and now, please enjoy this episode of the Neighborhood Listen. Knock, knock.
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Who's there?
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Your neighbor Good.
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In Dignity Falls, you're never alone. You've got the neighbor half app and us burnt and Jode. From coyotes to male theft to weird things to sell.
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We'll cover it all and meet new neighbors as well.
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We'll chat about any posts you're missing. So just tune in to the Neighborhood Listen.
B
Well, welcome. It is season nine of the Neighborhood Listen. Who could believe it? This is the podcast about the neighborhood of Dignity Falls as seen through the eyes of its residents, two of which are with you right now. And let's face it, three of which.
A
Actually, I would say yes.
B
I mean, we're the hosts of the show. But then our engineer, of course, has become an on air personality.
A
I think he's also become a fan favorite. I think he's. I think he's beloved more than you and me. Burnt. Absolutely. Absolutely.
B
Really?
A
People love Doug.
B
Okay, let's. Let's. Let's do proper intros and then we'll get into that.
A
Okay? Okay. First of all, I just want to say that your intro was great. I saw you take time. I saw you set a course.
B
Thank you.
A
With your eyes for adventure. I didn't see floating romance. Yes. I saw you have the theme song in your head and Then I saw you.
B
You saw me have the theme song.
A
In my head because you were singing Love Boat, obviously.
B
So, Okay, I was speaking.
A
You were speaking Love Boat, But I. But you were. You were speaking. You were speaking the language of Love Boat, and you were so clear, and there was not one hint of being unsure or there wasn't a hiccup. And I think that's a great way to start off season nine. And I have to say, I'm already thinking about what we're going to call this, because we had season seven, which was. Let's see, what was seven? No, it was. What was it called, though? Oh, yeah, Season. Steven. That's right. And season eight. Do we decide on season eight?
B
You asked me a question, I replied with the correct answer, and you said no.
A
I forgot that that was correct.
B
But it felt like you had a different answer in your mind.
A
I did, because I really thought that I had something in mind that was not Steven. I just couldn't remember. That's why I was asking you.
B
Even when you heard the correct thing, you're like, no, it's not that.
A
Isn't that terrifying?
B
It is scary.
A
Yeah. Maybe season nine. Feeling fine. Burnt for. All of you just looked at me with disgust.
B
Like, to be fair, you said it, and then your face instantly scrunched up.
A
That's because you didn't give me anything. That's because I didn't have a chance. I'm a performer. I know how to preemptively cower.
B
Can I. Can I introduce us now?
A
No. Yes, please.
B
Okay. Yes. We are the residents of Dignity Falls. We're some of them. We're not all of them.
A
No.
B
By any stretch, my name is Burnt Me Apede. I am a pharmacist here. I'm the pharmacist in chief at the.
A
Dignity Falls Macy, and my name is Joan Pedestrian. I am the top realtor here and a local actress with the Dignity Falls Playhouse. And a couple of other things, which I'll get to. I've been expanding a little bit, and of course, my husband Doug is the engineer. And you can say hi now, babe.
B
Hello, Doug. Are you okay?
A
He's got. He's.
B
Are you all right?
C
No, I'm just.
B
Are you lifting something?
C
I'm in a funny position.
B
Okay.
A
I'd love to hear.
B
No elaboration.
A
I'd love to hear more.
C
Oh, I'm in the iron lung.
B
Oh, you're in the iron lung.
A
Normally, he records from a different room every day.
B
Something that's supposed to aid your breathing.
A
Yeah, it Sounds like it's sucking out your life force, babe.
B
It's because you don't need to be in one.
C
No, I have no need. I've always wondered what it was like.
A
Okay.
B
Okay. So you purchased one. Would you go to ebay? Yes.
C
On Dark Facebook Marketplace.
A
Oh, he's always on Dark Marketplace.
B
Is it Dark Facebook. Dark Marketplace or just Dark Facebook Marketplace?
C
No, I think that would be a double negative. And so then.
B
So it'd be regular.
C
Regular Facebook Marketplace.
B
Light Facebook.
A
And you got an. Where did you put it? Where is this?
C
Oh, it's the. I mean, it's just in the linen closet.
A
You put it in the linen closet? Oh, my God.
B
Seems like a tight squeeze.
A
It's a tight squeeze. And it's one of my favorite places to go.
B
Yeah, but still, an iron lung is not small, so your linen closet might be huge for a linen closet.
A
It's small for an iron lung.
B
All right, well, can you at least admit that, Doug?
C
Yeah. I regret it. Do I regret it? Yes. Can I move it at this point? No. The boys, you know, disappeared.
B
Doug, can I ask you.
A
Wait, wait. Our boys?
B
Yeah, I guess that is the headline. Before I get into my question, that probably is the more pressing concern.
A
Well, I didn't know if he meant the boys that he got to move it in, but I bet he got our twin. Our twin boys to move it in. And, of course, talking about my twin boys, Matt and Infernius. Infernius. Matt and Infernius. You know, they've been hanging around all summer. As you guys might have remembered from season Nate, they had written a Mr. Doubtfire pilot for me to star in. They were doing it all one shot and.
B
Adolescent style.
A
Adolescent style? Well. Or the studio style. But both of them won a kind of thing. I thought they did more like that.
B
No, the studio did one oner.
A
A Oner, as they call it. Oh, that's right. That was the name of the episode. But I will say that they paused on the Mrs. Doubtfire of it all. They did graduate from kindergarten. I said, since they moved in to my house.
B
That's right. They had progressed.
A
And, you know, sadly, Mr.
B
What was his name? That old man?
A
I think his name. We're gonna have to go back. Someone's going to be screaming it at us. Screaming it at us right now.
B
Scopes.
A
He. It's not Scopes.
B
Sorry. It's the first teacher's name that came to mind.
A
Really? No, it's like Cumberbatch, but not. It's something like that. Yeah, he did. He Did. He did pass away this.
B
Oh, finally.
A
Yes, but.
C
Well, now we don't need her.
A
Finally.
B
He was.
A
He was up there. I know he was up there.
C
We don't need to remember his name now.
A
Oh, babe, that is such a strange way to think about it. What is wrong with you? What do you mean we don't have to remember his name?
B
That's a very. That's a very robotic. I didn't mean anything.
A
You gotta get out of that iron lung. I think it's turning your whole heart.
B
Here's what that sounds like to me, Doug. It sounds like one of those robots who's so confounded by humanity, but is trying to understand them and thinks they're very quaint.
C
Are you pointing your finger at me right now?
A
Oh, yes. How did you know? Baby, you could hear it. Hear it in his voice.
B
To be honest, I'm just sort of pointing up at the ceiling because I.
A
Don'T know exactly powers are you getting in that iron lung?
B
Are you.
A
You can hear his finger cutting through the air?
C
No, but I do think I hear the sound, like, more precisely because I have that mirror that I. I look up in.
B
Yes, of course.
C
See outside.
B
Of course. Of course. To see.
A
Oh, is that what an iron lung comes with? I don't know about.
B
Well, here's the iron lung I remember from when I was a kid and seeing it on television.
A
Okay.
B
It would be a big metal tube.
A
Sure.
B
The head sticks out. Oh, and there is a mirror over the. The person's head so they can talk to somebody if they want to, who's behind them. You know, kind of like a periscope.
A
Chilling.
B
That is kind of like a periscope.
C
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Same technology.
A
All right, well, anyways, Cumberbatch died and. And the boys. But we. We got to have them graduate before we had a lovely ceremony in the backyard. Yeah.
B
Just silly stringing a graduation. I just remember kindergarten is over.
A
I believe there's an event for everything.
B
I mean, I've seen.
A
And you gotta go into the portal. There's now a portal you gotta go into if you're a parent. And there's science fiction stuff. Endless. There are endless. Not really. And not like the game. Not like that fun video game. Remember that one back in the day?
B
Absolutely. I tried to play that as an adult and I got stuck on one level and I just couldn't get out of it. I was just running in an endless loop and I couldn't. I could not find my way out.
A
Yeah, I struggled too. It made me crazy. It made me a little crazy.
C
I tried and I just kept. I fell into the portal. Like into an infinite.
A
Oh, no. Into a loop.
C
Into a loop. So I was just falling for hours.
B
That's too bad.
A
That's terrible.
B
That's too bad.
A
So. So we. They took a break because they wanted to sort of re. Realign their. Their goals. They said they have. They have big goals for this year.
B
Once they graduated kindergarten.
A
Yeah. They felt like men. You know what I mean? I think they finally felt like men, and it was nice to see the change in them.
B
Yeah.
A
Yeah. They still set things on fire all the time.
B
Why do they do that, do you think?
A
I don't know. And I talk about this. I wonder if I should be concerned that I haven't investigated it more. And maybe that's what getting into. That's actually. That's actually one of the things that. That we discussed that I want to get into more this year. That. That. That on my vision board. I have a vision board brunch. Are you okay?
B
So sorry. I was unpacking something earlier today and it had Styrofoam and it's that really crumbly Styrofoam. And I think I did inhale a piece of it.
A
Oh, absolutely. I think so.
B
Confirmed.
A
There's so much blood.
B
Do you know that Styrofoam where. Okay. They pack something in the Styrofoam and then you have to. It's taped.
A
Oh, I hate that.
B
They put everything in there and then they put tape on it. You have to undo the tape. And then when you undo the tape, the whole thing falls apart and then it's just crumbles.
A
Oh, it's. It just crumbles.
B
It's just crumbles. They stick to things. They stick to your fingers. You can't throw them in.
A
The Crumble Just Crumbles is Doug's favorite cereal.
B
Are you still eating Just Crumbles?
C
I love Just Crumbles.
B
It's a local cereal. And what it is, it's just brilliant. Crumbles of all different foods of different cereals.
A
Sweet.
B
The factories sweeping.
C
So they.
A
It's factory sweepings.
B
Yeah.
C
They brag in their commercials how cheap it is for them to make other people's crumbles.
B
It is a very low price cereal. They pass the savings on to you. I mean, you could get a coupon where they pay you to take a box.
A
Yes, yes, that's correct. And listen, I will. Speaking of boxes and everyone knows in my household I'm terrible at opening boxes. So if there is tape, that's.
B
No.
A
If there is anything.
B
You're terrible.
A
It looks like. It looks like my life depended on getting that box open, and so I tore it asunder. It looks like a raccoon attacked it. And it is. It's. It's a shame. It's a shame of mine, actually.
B
You don't use a tool of any kind of box cutter or anything like that?
A
No, I don't. I just.
B
I'm not.
A
I'm not patient. I just want to get in there. You know what I mean?
C
She doesn't like boss cutters.
A
I don't like box cutters or boss cutters. It sounds like he said boss cutters. Nope.
C
That's just the iron long.
A
Doug's new way of not starting a fight. You know, he gets upset that I can tell. He goes, nope, and he wants to say a lot of other things, but his voice goes white right up. It goes white up.
B
Sound like the boys now when they regress.
A
That's right. They are starting to get their Rs and their Ls back. But it was really sweet when they were walking around saying, I love you.
B
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that does sound sweet.
A
Yes. I love fire.
B
They would. That's less sweet. Anyways, one of the things they loved.
A
I want to know what you've been up to. Burn. Because, you know, we. We have had a break. We haven't really been near each other.
B
We're gonna talk about what I've been up to.
A
What's the matter? What? What's the matter with that? I just talked about myself.
B
I feel rude. Well, you talked about a thing you're going to do, but you. We didn't know what you up to.
A
Oh, I did some summer stock this summer. Okay. Do you want. Do you want. Why do you not want to talk about yourself?
B
Oh, I just feel like you're more important than I am.
A
Oh, why would you say that? Who's making you feel like that? Burnt? Not Gabby. Now, listen, at the end of the season, you guys had moved in together.
B
Yes.
A
And I don't know where we're at from there. Is it because you want to avoid that? How's it going living together?
B
It's, you know, the living together is going well. Good. We do have separate bedrooms.
A
Okay.
B
But that was by choice because you know what? It's great. It's nice because we watched all of Downton Abbey and the Crown in one weekend.
A
Okay. So. Wait. That's a long. Wow. Is that even mathematically possible?
B
We stayed up.
A
Okay. Did you have them, like, on two separate, like, devices? If you're watching them?
B
We had both series playing at the same time. There were more seasons of Downton Abbey than the Crown.
A
Sure.
B
So that made things easier. After the Crown ended.
A
Was there ever a moment where two people, the same actor appeared in two scenes at the same time? It seems like there's got to be no overlap.
B
There's a lot of overlap.
A
A lot of overlap. And not many British actors.
B
Matthew, good. You'll see him in both.
A
Oh, sure. Speaking of Matthews, Matthew McConaughey. I just read that he said, like, you know, you got to sleep in a queen bed and then you'll have a good marriage. I was like, absolutely not.
B
He's out of his mind.
A
He's out of his mind. Bed with Matthew McConaughey.
D
That's.
B
You know what I mean? Did you hear that?
A
He's gonna go. Yep.
B
Is he on your list? Is he on your hall pass list?
A
He's not. We know who's on my list. Timothy Oliphant.
B
Timothy Oliphant.
A
Conan. Conan o'. Brien and Tom Brokaw.
B
Tom Brokaw, that's right.
A
Maybe not now. Oh, and Sting. Thank you for reminding me, babe.
B
And Sting specifically, when he's playing the lute.
A
Yes. And sing things like Murder of Crows. Oh, I love the way he says that.
B
That's your entryway into Sting.
A
That's right.
B
It gets me going from the famous song.
A
Like a murder of crows hang I have to say what I have to.
B
Say.
A
All this time all this time the river flows it is. Trust me.
B
It's in that song.
A
It's in that song. I will look it up right now. Now, listen, I have also made a goal to not declare that certain people are in certain movies because cinematically, I have done a bad job. Last year, my grade was bad.
B
Again, we apologize. Tom Skerritt was not in the thing.
A
I realized that he was an alien. Okay, I got him confused with another handsome disc with a bearded man. I get disconfused a lot.
B
We all get disconfused.
A
We sure do.
C
How about Susan Klein?
B
In honor of Robert Klein, the comedian? Sure. Or Calvin Patsy Klein.
C
Calvin.
B
Calvin Klein.
A
Well, I think it's pretty. That's the one to beat, folks. That's the one to beat for sure. Who is.
B
Wait, who is the terrible. Albert Klein, the terrible manager or lawyer or whatever that.
A
What about Kevin Klein? Oh, he's my favorite Klein. Love him.
B
He's my favorite Klein, I think.
A
Yeah, without a doubt.
B
Yeah.
A
Wouldn't mind. Maybe I'll add him to the list. Maybe it replaced Tom Brokaw.
B
You know, my hall pass list has changed slightly.
A
Oh, let's hear it.
B
Of course.
A
Charlize Theron. Sure or no? It was. Yes. Well, either her is an avatar. It was her. Was it Aeon Flux? That's what it was.
B
I believe it was Charlize Theron. Specifically in Eon Flux.
A
Specifically in Eon Flux, of course.
B
From the video game red dead redemption 2 revenge. Crazed killer Sadie Adler.
A
Okay.
B
And I've added to that, to that pile.
A
I don't know if we refer to fantasy women as a pile. I'm not sure I'm okay with that. A pile of crows. Does it pile. Doesn't ring off. It doesn't. Does it ring off the tongue?
B
Doesn't ring off the tongue. That's a local expression.
A
Here it is. We always say that in Duty Falls. It doesn't ring off the tongue because even that doesn't ring off the tongue. So it's just a real good example of it.
B
I've added the Statue of Liberty. I think she's quite striking.
A
There are so many legit. I have so many follow up questions about that burn, but I think I'm just going to leave them there.
B
Well, I tell you what, you know, having, having a statue, having an extremely tall statue that people can walk around in as one of your hall passes is good for your relationship. It'll never come up.
A
Well. Okay. Speaking of your relationship, I'm not going to let you sidestep it. So how is it going? You said it's been good. You're sleeping in separ. Separate beds.
B
Yes. And so it makes things, it makes things more romantic.
A
Okay. Because you watch the shows, you watch them together and then you go your separate ways. You like, you watch the Crown and you watch Down Abbey.
B
Oh, that's where we got the idea.
A
Oh, I see. Oh, from the show.
B
Both shows, they have separate bedrooms. The things went so well for all those people. Well, Downton Abbey, arguably. I mean, of course they had their.
A
Tragedies, so they wanted to leave the show.
B
Here's what I like about Downton Abbey. They're making another movie.
A
Another one. I can't believe it.
B
And every movie ends with. And so concludes the story of Downton Abbey. And then they just. Yeah, do another one.
A
Keep going.
B
Yeah.
A
Oh, boy.
B
But they really make the endings like you'll never hear from us again.
A
This is it. This is the last one.
B
We're finally saying all we have to say.
A
I mean, what more can happen?
B
I don't know. I mean, Mr. Mosley got to achieve his dream of working in Hollywood.
A
Oh, see, that's a spoiler. I. I really stopped watching after the first movie, I think, oh, you must.
B
See the second movie as an actor. Yes. Because Hollywood comes to Downton Abbey.
A
Oh, okay.
B
And Mr. Wallace.
A
And did they do a one shot?
B
They do not do a oner. They do not do a oner on Downton Abbey. That whole movie should have been a Warner. That would have been amazing.
A
And then. And they've got. What's the name of the maid? Who is the evil one? You know?
B
Brian.
A
Oh, Brian. Is she the one that gets high on cocaine like Bryan Cranston, and they have to drag her around?
B
I don't believe she made it to the end of the show.
A
Oh, that's sad.
B
Yes. I think eventually she was too evil. And they said, you're fired.
A
What? No, that'd be terrible. And you always see her on the red carpet. She looks so gorgeous. I always hate it. That. Like, they don't give them the evil people or the maids any makeup. And then when they show up on the red carpet, they're like, oh, look at that. Look at you.
B
Terrific. I thought o'.
D
Brien.
A
Oh, you were attracted to o'. Brien.
B
Attractive woman. Yes.
A
Okay.
B
Am I crazy for saying that?
A
Well, you do. You are. You are in love with. With an iron giant of a woman. So I guess. I guess it's not such a stretch that you also were attracted to o'. Brien.
B
What did the iron giant say before he died? He said something.
A
I think he says, oh, boy, the boys loved it.
B
He, like, rockets off into the sun or something.
A
I know, but I think he says something like, gun's not good. I don't know. I don't know. Peace on earth. He has some very, very important. He doesn't say that. I don't really think it's that, Bert. I don't really think it's that, but it's very. I think because he chooses to be good. You know, the boy says to him, like, you don't have to be, you know. Do you know Jennifer Aniston's the mom in that?
B
I do remember that. Now, Harry Connor, Jr. I believe, is.
A
He's great in it. No, he's like a friend. He's like a buddy.
B
Okay.
A
He's like the Doc Brown to that kid. We're just not explaining.
B
Oh, really?
A
I think so. All right, listen. I mean, you know what? I'm gonna take everything back that I just Said because I know I have not had a good score on my cinematic answers about things. About movies. Again, this is not a movie podcast.
B
We're not a movie podcast.
A
We've already gotten on to how many movies? Just one, so far. That's not bad. The Downton Abbey movie.
B
Downton Abbey. That counts.
A
It's not a movie.
B
That counts as a movie.
A
I still want to know if there's any. I feel like there's a but coming with your story. When it comes to you and Gabby, just tell me if there is or not.
B
Well, that's cynical.
A
It was the way you were telling it.
B
We've been having a lovely time because it makes, you know, we visit each other's bedrooms.
A
Okay.
B
Sometimes just say good night.
A
Okay.
B
Sometimes for penetrative sex.
A
Oh, burnt.
B
We're grown ups, Joan. Come on.
A
Exactly. I mean. What? I've never heard a grown up say penetrative sex. I've heard a doctor say that.
B
Never heard that.
A
I've heard a doctor say that.
B
Should I say penetrative? I'm so sorry.
A
Is that how they say it on Downton Abbey?
B
Penetrative.
A
Penetrative.
B
My dear, would you permit me some penetrative sex.
A
In the middle of the night?
B
Oh, Herbert. What's his name? I don't remember his name. Oh, dear.
A
We don't remember any Elizabeth McGovern.
B
Elizabeth.
A
Oh, no. That's terrible. Come sit on the chair. I'm so sorry that that happened. I almost died from the flu.
B
Oh, mama.
A
My hair's all white now. I'm on Broadway. I don't need to do anything for no way. It's like, it's, you know, it's one of those things where she's playing like a real woman, you know? But it's just a one man show, you know, like, you know, I mean, it's a one woman show.
B
One person show.
A
One person show. You know, like how people have played. Someone's done Eleanor Roosevelt. An Evening with Eleanor Roosevel.
B
I mean, I know who people are. I knew what you meant by people.
A
I can't remember who it is she's doing, though. I mean, we're really doing a great job of not knowing about anything. Not knowing anything that we're talking about.
B
Is she doing Nico from the Velvet Underground?
A
Is it now? I can't remember what the guy's name is. What is that guy's name in the show? George. Oh, George. Whatever sounds right in that.
B
George Grantham. Lord Grantham.
A
Lord Grantham. But she doesn't call him Lord Grantham.
B
Oh, Lord Grantham.
A
Oh, Lord Grantham.
B
I have to look it up. I have to go.
A
Yeah. I really have to know so that we can do it in the voice.
C
Souls die.
A
This is very important. What.
B
Is that? That's the iron giants. Last souls don't die.
A
Seems close to guns. Not ghost.
B
So he got. He got religious guns. Not good.
A
It's in the neighborhood of that. I just began to think you were really losing your mind, babe, in that iron lug. Did you step out of it yet?
C
No, I can't.
A
So then you just Googled that from inside your iron lung? Or did it just come to you because you have such clarity?
C
Yeah.
A
Wow.
B
Are you ready to be blown away?
A
Oh, I cannot wait. What is it, Robert? No.
B
Never would have guessed that in a million years.
A
Listen, you said Herbert. That was very close. I'm touching him, and apparently he's mad about it.
B
I did have the bird. I did have the bird part. It's true.
A
Yes, you did. That's why I was excited. That's why I touched you.
B
Oh, Robert.
A
Oh, Robert.
B
Robert. I'm worried about the. The girls.
A
I'm worried about the girls. Rabbit. Especially because we only have two left. Rapper. And you made a bad choice.
B
The one didn't want to do the show anymore, and so we all had.
A
To watch that traumatic, horrible episode.
B
Then the other guy didn't want to do the show, and he got.
A
He was. He just simply looked at the sky and smiled and crashed it.
B
Why was he driving like that?
A
That was just one of the dumbest things in the world.
B
He might as well have been saying zippity do.
A
I feel like the writers were like you on that. They did not give you a good day.
B
I think they absolutely.
A
Okay, I noticed.
B
Julian fellow.
A
I know I said I wasn't gonna swear a lot. Doug hates it when I swear, and I was gonna work on it, but that one. I hate it.
C
I just.
A
You do hate it.
B
Startled me.
A
You admonish me every single time it starts. Scared. You startle me, Robert, when you swear when you swore. Don't say it, please.
B
You know what? I bet you had a ball. That's fun to do.
A
Oh, I would have loved the only American. You get to go over there for a couple years and hang out. It's the best. Best. Oh, it's my dream, really. Let my hair turn white and let me get on a British soap.
B
Absolutely. EastEnders.
A
I need to add that to my vision board. EastEnders. Isn't that, like, very depressing, though? It's kind of sad. It's Hard Scrabble folks.
B
I think it is. Yeah. Hard Scrabble folk. That's right. And what's more depressing than their lives?
A
Well, hopefully not our next guest, because we do have a guest. We should probably get to that guest.
B
Do you have a Doug? How long we've been recording?
A
Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, here we go. How's he gonna check? Use a mirror.
B
So this is something that has not changed. Yeah. Your arms are pinned to your side.
A
No matter where he is, he can never find how long we've been recording. It takes him forever for some reason.
C
You have to find the right angle on this mirror.
B
Yes, please.
C
And then look upside down.
A
So in the meantime, everything's going great with you and Gabby?
B
Yeah, we're good. It's actually. It's wonderful for our relationship. We really enjoy it. All right. And we've started. We're gonna start, like, having sort of, you know, garden parties and things like that.
A
I'm sorry, what? We.
B
We. We're kind of taken with this sort of life.
A
Oh, you're very into. You want to sort of create your own little downtown.
B
I feel like we've been indoctrinated by watching so much.
A
We have, actually.
B
Yeah. Yeah.
A
If I go over to your home, is it gonna look the same, or is it gonna be very altered?
B
And we both wear sashes now.
A
Oh, dear.
B
Yeah. With metals.
A
I think that that's. You know what I also hated from that? I hated just the whole point of, like, when you're really rich, the children are just brought to the parents for two seconds, where they're like, hello. Hi. How are you? Remember, Mary's children were just brought to her, just, you know, just shown to her, like they're alive and then. And then shuffled away. Lady Mary. He's a Muppet. He's such a Muppet, that guy.
B
He really is.
A
He's like. He's like. He's like that blue eagle, Sam. Right?
B
He's not unlike the blue eagle.
A
That's what he reminds me of. How about the Muppet Shows show coming back?
B
I haven't heard about this.
A
Oh, my. Are you kidding me? With, you know, the one who sings espresso? What's her name? Sabrina Carpenter.
B
She brought it back.
A
Well, I think he's mad as Rogan, because now it says Rogan dude doing it. I mean, that's in the same family. I know.
B
Because he sounds like one.
A
Exactly. They just figured, you know what? You already won. You already are one, so why don't you just do.
B
It's like William Randolph Hearst buying up a newspaper. Because I don't like what they say about him.
A
Hey, do you have the time yet, babe?
B
I do.
C
You seem to be on a roll.
B
We're stalling for you.
A
Oh, we were absolutely stretching. Stretching time for you.
C
Okay. It's 25.
A
Oh, that's 25.
B
That's about right.
A
Yeah. That's good.
B
I do want to say very quickly before we go to break, I do like my. One of my favorite things on British television is, you know, in a crime show where a guy has to come in and say, there's no cctv. There's no cctv. Gov.
A
Do they really say gov?
B
They say gov. And they say boss one is gov. Yes.
A
I thought that was just college improv guys that do that.
B
College improv guys.
A
That's what they're always saying when they're. Listen, the boys got.
B
When they're being a British person.
A
No, they say gov. Na. You know, they just say, oh, yeah.
B
But I. I do believe that they. I mean. I mean, unless that is strictly just for TV shows in England. That would be wild. Maybe if the police said, look, you can't.
A
Matt and I didn't mean to touch. I'm sorry. I'm touching you burnt. He's getting so worked up about it. Our hands happen to brush. You're used to the separate beds. I get it. You're used to someone not touching your body at all.
B
That's right.
A
Okay. I think it's made you. Made you a little bit strange about.
B
It, because maybe I will not kiss in public anymore.
A
Oh, gosh. I think that's extreme.
B
Well, it's not done.
A
The boys got into improv this summer. That's why.
B
Oh, no.
A
They walk around just asking for suggestions all day long.
B
And then they do scenes.
A
Yes.
B
All day long. They need to move out and get their own place.
A
I know. I just love them. I would miss them too much.
B
Really?
A
I think I really would. All right, well, it's. It's hard to explain. Let's get to. Let's get to our guest.
B
Yes. We're gonna take a break, and when we return, we will have a guest right here on the neighborhood. Listen.
A
Mr. Monopoly here. Monopoly is back at McDonald's. Register in the McDonald's app. So you're ready to get your bag. Two ways to peel for a chance.
B
To get your bag. Physical peels with select items in digital peels with others to get your bag, play Monopoly at the Dummies.
A
Ba da ba ba ba.
B
No purchase necessary. See rules@play atmcd.com for full details and amoe.play@mcd.com to play without purchase ends November 23rd, but bonus play ends November 2nd. Monopoly is a registered trademark of Hasbro. Copyright McDonald's. It's okay not to be perfect with finances. Experian is your big financial friend and here to help. Did you know you can get matched with credit cards on the app? Some cards are labeled no Ding decline, which means if you're not approved, they won't hurt your credit score. Download the Experian app for free today. Applying for no Ding decline cards won't hurt your credit scores. If you aren't initially approved, initial approval will result in a hard inquiry which may impact your credit scores.
A
Experian.
B
Frozen Beef, Pork, Chicken hello, this is Nancy A. I don't know if it's okay to post here. Please delete. If not, no judgments or negative comments, please. I have a deep freezer packed with frozen beef, pork, chicken I need to get rid of. It has been in an unopened freezer since 2020. I hate to toss it out, but need to empty this freezer out. If you would like it, please comment here and I will DM you. Pickup info Crossroads of Polk and Pine. I've heard some people with farm animals may use it if. If you have use for it. Lmk it needs be gone today. Now, look, I'm not judging you if your feet feeding beef, pork and chicken to your farm animals. Okay? So don't judge me for having it and not wanting it. This freezer has been unopened since 2020. I know what's in there. I haven't been able to look at it. Please don't judge me. I can't take your negative comments. Please feed this beef to your cow. Feed this chicken to your chicken, you freaks.
A
I'm judging you.
B
Nancy A.
A
Is judging you.
B
And welcome back to the neighborhood. Listen.
A
Oh, can I. Can I just interject here?
B
Oh, sure. Please.
A
Okay, so I looked it up, and it's Elizabeth McGovern. Is. Is performing. I believe it's off Broadway. And it's. It's Ava. Ava. The Secret Conversations. Ava Gardner. The secret conversation.
B
I've had a secret conversation.
A
And she was like a famous movie star. Right? That's Ava Gardner. Yeah, absolutely.
B
Married to Frank Sinatra.
A
O look at you.
B
Frank.
A
Oh, Frank. Oh, Sinatra.
B
Don't beat up the photographer.
A
Frank. Oh, Frank. Get the mafia out of the house. Frank. Come on, please. I didn't want. It's a Thursday, Frank.
B
We're having family dinner. Don't invite the Mafia. Now she's.
A
You don't need to see the show. That's the whole show.
B
Famous quote from Ava Gardner about Frank Sinatra when they were dating before they got married. She said, you know, because when Frank was. Was young.
A
Yes.
B
Young, slim, gentleman. And she said, yeah. They say Frank is 110lbs. 90. £90 of it is cock.
A
Are you gonna get mad at that, Doug? That was very, very blue. I don't say that kind of stuff.
C
I'm not mad.
A
Is that real? Is that real burnt?
B
I mean, as far as I know.
A
Looks like you ringing it off your phone, but maybe. I'm not so sure.
B
I wasn't. I. Yeah, you think I went to Bartlett's.
A
Although those. Those dames back in the day, they really were pretty salty.
B
Salty. They were broad.
A
They were broads.
B
Broads.
A
I miss a broad. All right, so we have a. We have a guest.
B
Yes. Here's what we do. Every episode, we comb the neighborhat, the social networking application for neighborhoods, and we look for interesting people to talk to. Maybe they have a message they want to share. Maybe they're trying to sell something. Maybe they have a service to offer. Whatever. Maybe they're trying to warn people of some dire emergency.
A
Sometimes.
B
Sometimes never is, though. They're always wrong. And this week is no different. We have. If you would like to send us one, if you see one that perhaps we've missed, you think we should talk about, you can screenshot it and send it to us@burtonandjoanmail.com now, this one we.
C
Found ourselves in the screenshot. You do the little. Two little buttons on the same time.
A
That's right, babe.
C
Yeah.
A
Thanks. I think. Yeah. If anyone didn't know that, now you know.
C
Or you can do Command shift four on your computer.
B
That's true. Doug. I don't know.
A
I think you should get out. I think you should get out of that. I think you should. I would love it if you got out of that.
B
I'm making you into a machine. All right.
A
Oh, boy. Very, very worried.
B
So we have. We have a guest here. This is Sam. Sam writes. This is in the In Search of section.
A
Okay.
B
Is there anyone out here willing to take a small risk on me and my T shirt ideas? I've got some funny ideas, and I'm confident they will sell, but I just don't have the money to get them printed. And get this started. It would be a small investment with a quick return and a little profit in our pockets. I'm willing to discuss any and all options. To make this happen. It can be a one time investment or we can work out a plan to keep your money flipping for a while too. I'm flexible. I just want to get to work and make some money. These ideas are good, you'll see.
A
Oh my.
B
It can't hurt to listen to me. Print shop owners or individuals with access and abilities to get things printed are welcome to jump in on this too. Anyone that has a serious interest in helping me launch and making some easy money off me, let's talk. Hit me up. And here to tell us more about this is Sam. Sam, welcome to the neighborhood.
D
Listen, hi. Thank you so much for hearing me out.
B
Of course.
D
I'm so happy to be here. It's nice to have a platform.
A
Of course, yes. This is what we want to do. We want to amplify people in our community and what they have to do. So I think maybe the first question I'd have for you is, would you share with us some of these T shirt ideas?
B
Can we get into that? Because I definitely want to hear the T shirt.
A
I really do. I'm burning too.
B
Have you tried Googling how to print a T shirt?
D
Yeah, of course. I don't know if you read my post, but part of my issue is financial.
B
No, I understand.
D
Like if you can help me out money wise.
B
Right.
D
And yeah, you Google it, but you know every website you go to. So I'm talking Teepublic.
B
Right?
D
I'm talking.
B
So you are aware of these. Okay.
D
Shirthouse.com.
A
For imprint type thing. You know, they do that for businesses. They do T shirts.
D
Exactly. Vistaprints will also do absolutely every single one of. Thank you.
C
My favorite. I love that name.
B
It's a great name. Yeah. Zazzle. Great. Why would you go anywhere else?
D
Should I be masked up around him?
B
No, no, no, no, no, no.
A
Yeah, that voice you're hearing. Yeah, that's right. That's right. You don't have to. He's not going to come down.
B
Were you afraid he was hiding under the table?
A
Well, it sounded like he was.
B
I understand, but he is in a different.
A
That's my husband, Doug. I'm so sorry. Normally we do a better job explaining to the guest what's going on.
C
I don't have polio.
A
Oh, God.
C
And if I did, it wouldn't be in the kitchen.
B
Kitchen. I don't have polio.
A
Don't really know it.
B
In the kitchen.
D
That's a shirt idea, right? Do you mind if I write that down?
B
No, sure. I mean, if it's okay with Doug, He's.
C
You can take it.
D
I'm imagining, like, the El Pollo Loco guy, but instead of polio, it says polio.
A
Oh, wow. Polio.
B
Who's the El Pollo Loco guy?
D
It's a crazy chicken.
A
It is. I think. I think I know what he's talking about.
C
Talking about the guy who sings it.
D
Yeah, yeah. Who I imagine is a crazy chicken. I'm imagining it's the guy in the logo singing El Pollo Loco.
B
Almost never occurred to me that it was the chicken singing.
D
Yes, he's singing about himself very close to the tune of Guantanamura.
B
Yeah. And he's. And he's camera shy.
D
Yeah, well, he's crazy.
B
He is crazy. It's crazy to be camera shy.
A
So. So you. So what we're understanding is that you have exhausted all of these websites, but you're coming up short because what they're asking for is money, and that's what.
D
You don't have before.
B
You have zero money.
A
Zero money.
D
Not for this.
A
Oh.
D
I have my money allocated for other things in my life. Of course.
B
This is like a Jay Leno Tonight show money situation.
A
Can you explain that?
B
Well, Jay Leno, of course, he was the host of the Tonight show for.
A
Many years, that I know.
B
And he always prided himself on the fact that he never touched the Tonight show money. He just put that away. And he lived off of his standup money. And for some reason, he remembered to make that distinction.
A
And that's. And he bought all those cars with the money. Is that what he did?
B
Any money he has spent, it's never been the Tonight show money. And he wants you to know that.
A
Oh, God.
D
While we're on the topic of Leno, if you don't mind.
A
Yes, please.
D
Did you know that Mavis Leno was a little bit integral in the United States going into Afghanistan after 9 11.
A
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
B
Do you know, I kind of remember her talking about something like this on the Tonight Show. He had her as a guest.
D
She was very pro. She worked with organizations that were pro rights of Afghani women against the Taliban, and she lobbied hard for the United States to go into Afghanistan and take over.
B
And you think that was the tipping point?
D
After 9 11, she saw an opportunity.
B
So after 911 happened, Mavis called up the White House and said, see what I'm talking about?
A
Is that a T shirt for you?
D
She called up, see what I'm talking about?
A
Mavis going to see what.
B
I was.
D
Mavis doing that on the back of the Twin Towers, going Down.
A
Oh, I'm not sure about this, Sam. Here's the funny thing.
B
I mean, I would definitely put that on the back if you're gonna put that on there.
A
Here's the funny thing. A lot of times on this podcast, I will say something or someone says something, and I go, is that a T shirt? And I get very excited.
B
It's tr.
A
Actually, I. I really, really understand what you're. What you're getting at here, and I would just love to hear a few of your ideas.
B
Yes, absolutely. I just needed to know.
D
Would you please just hear me out? They're funny.
A
No, no.
D
You have a microphone and we have.
A
Headphones, so we're actually prepared. We're here to hear you out.
D
It doesn't hurt to listen. What have you got to lose? Yes, what have you got to lose?
B
Exactly.
D
All right. Okay, good. Okay.
A
Pretend we're Shark tank.
D
Okay. Okay. Mr. Cuban.
A
Wow. I'm Mr. Cuban. He looked right at me from Mr. Cuban. How interesting. There's a lady on that show.
D
I don't know her name.
B
I think he senses that you're an actor.
A
Oh, and you could play.
B
You're a chameleon.
A
Okay, fine.
D
Oh, my gosh. Yeah. Cuban killed it in the Entourage movie. Did you see him in that?
A
I didn't, but I believe it. I believe it. He's very charismatic.
B
Who did he play?
D
Mark Cuban.
B
Oh, he played himself.
D
Well, Turtle needs to find money for his business, bringing an oyster company from the east coast to Los Angeles, and engages with Mark Cuban on investments for the oyster company.
A
Okay, all right.
B
An oyster company.
D
Oh, like an oyster restaurant? I guess.
A
I think oyster restaurants.
C
I love oyster restaurants.
D
My man. That's my man up there.
A
Yes, but Doug, always.
C
Doug thinks.
A
Doug thinks that they should be called roisterants.
B
Doug, I don't hate it.
C
Doesn't hurt to consider.
B
I donate it.
A
Hear him out. Just hear him out.
B
I heard you out. And you know what? I'm glad I did.
D
That's all you had to do. See? So lesson learned.
B
Let me.
A
Haven't got one idea yet.
B
This is. Perhaps I'm ignorant. You know what? I'm gonna say that I am.
A
Okay.
B
I'm gonna commit to it. Cause I'm about to say something that I don't know. So that means I'm ignorant.
A
Sure about this?
B
About this? Is it not? Are oysters a thing that do not exist on the West Coast?
D
Not in the way that Turtle. Not Turtle's favorite restaurant. I think it was called Don Cuco's or Don Pepe's. Or something like that. He really liked that restaurant and wanted to bring the franchise out west, but.
B
That didn't really answer my question.
D
Yeah, they don't.
A
I know Pacific Northwest. They're a thing. So I know Northwest. Yes, that's a thing, but not.
B
They're.
A
They're set in oyster bars in, like, Seattle and whatnot. So I think that they're up there. But I, I, I, I haven't spent much time there.
D
But the oysters in the Pacific Northwest are generally underwater for a shorter amount of time than the oysters from the East Coast. So they are a little Brinier. They haven't satisfied.
B
Oh, you want them? You want them Brinier?
A
I don't care if they want the.
D
East coast ones, which are a little less briny.
B
They're less briny?
D
Yes.
B
Okay. They spend less time in the water.
D
No, they spend more time. And I don't know the logic of that, so I couldn't follow it. I would say I'm a little ignorant on this as I'm speaking more.
A
Okay, maybe we should move on from oysters and get to some T shirt ideas.
B
But we can come back to oysters.
A
Of course we can. Let's table oysters.
D
Well, because Turtle wanted to find a way to separate himself from Vince.
B
I thought you were Oysters because his name is Turtle.
A
I'm just Entourage. I didn't watch.
B
I'm not overly familiar either. All I know is everything always works out.
D
It does, except for season eight when Doug Allen, the creator, got very mad that people said everything always works out. So he said, okay, fine. Our main character has a coke addiction and is dating a porn star for this season.
A
Would you say this is your favorite show?
D
I'd say I know it all.
B
Here's one thing I do know about that is I watched the episode where Vinny Chase is supposedly in the throes of cocaine addiction and he goes on the Tonight show with Jay Leno. Speaking of. And this is supposed to be a calamitous appearance on this Tonight show because he's clearly on drugs. And I was surprised to find that out after that scene ended of him on the Tonight Show. And everybody's saying, like, that was terrible. And what were you gonna do? It's like, what was wrong? He seemed fine.
D
Well, they didn't wanna push it too close to the edge there, you know? So you just have the character say it was bad, but you don't wanna challenge anybody.
A
But that was a different time. It was a different time.
D
It was a different time. Obama's favorite TV show, which Doug Allen talks about a lot on Victory. The podcast, the Entourage, we know a lot about.
A
Okay. If you're listening to that podcast, then this is your favorite show. Are most of your T shirts about Entourage?
D
They could be.
B
Wait, they could be. So you. Okay.
A
Gave him the idea.
B
We have. We've gotten very far afield.
D
What frustrates me is the way the world is right now, the way people are. Everyone got the.
A
Oh, that can mean so many things.
D
Guard up. You know, the Internet, and it was butchering everybody.
A
He's got Frankenstone throat. Sometimes that happens. And I'm Frankenstone. Yes. That's what it's called.
B
Burn.
A
We talked about this. It's a condition specific to Dignity Falls.
B
What was the stone part again?
A
It's because. It's because most likely I. I pronounced it. You thought I pronounced it incorrectly, but I didn't. It is called Frankenstone throat.
B
It's not related to Frankenstein. It's sort of completely different. Oh, it is?
A
Well, I mean, you know, it's more like. It's like Frankenstein. Sou.
C
Not Al Frank.
A
Because there are stones. Thanks, babe. It's not Al Franken.
B
We're not talking about a part of Al Frank. Al Franken's forks.
C
That's a T shirt. It's Al Franken as Frankenstein.
D
I'm taking. I'm taking that. Is that all right?
B
So it's just a picture of Al.
A
Franklin with a flat head. All it is.
B
And bolts in his neck.
A
And is he. Is he saying anything?
C
You have to figure it out. You know what I mean? It's like that game Concentration.
B
Concentration.
A
Which one is that?
C
The one where you see the pictures and you figure out the phrase it's saying. Isn't that called Concentration? No, There was a game show that was like that.
A
That's a game show you're thinking of? Yes, yes.
D
Just pitch on this maybe.
B
Sam, please.
D
Of course.
B
Yeah.
D
I'm sure we have the same idea here.
A
Probably.
D
I'm sorry. No. But I could see it in your eyes.
B
I gotta tell you, my mind is a blank slate right now because I'm thinking of. About a board game.
A
You're going to be hung up on that.
B
It was one of those board games that needed batteries. Because the idea was.
A
Oh, I know exactly what you're talking about.
B
Pieces in this puzzle. Before the thing just went, don't wake Daddy.
A
Don't wake Daddy.
D
Because they needed. You need batteries.
B
Operation like that.
A
No, no, I think. I think Concentration was the name of.
B
That game, it was concentration, right.
A
And then all the yellow pieces just like explode out because you didn't get shoot up. Yes, yes.
C
Pieces.
B
Scatter the pieces all over the place.
A
All those yellow pieces. Who are you becoming?
C
That's how you said it.
A
Okay. I think if we roll that back, we won't hear that exact sound. But fine. All right, so now with the devil. I really, I really want to get to some of these ideas.
B
I wish you had it right, Sam.
A
Please take it away.
B
We want to get to these ideas.
A
We need the ideas.
D
Could I just give you. I just want you to know what I'm coming in here with.
B
Oh, sure.
A
Okay.
B
The world.
D
Cause I have a microphone here. Literally I have a.
A
You do. Literally you do.
C
Well that's awesome.
A
A mouthpiece.
D
A mouthpiece to the world of your listeners. We have to be open to new ideas.
B
Absolutely fair.
D
We are so closed off, we're so judgmental and it's killing creativity. Okay, okay. So could you hear me out on these?
A
Yeah, I believe we said yes to that many times.
D
And I mean that right ahead.
C
I'm raking some money right now listening to you.
A
What?
D
That's my dog up there.
A
That could be yours to get to this. I have no idea what that means. I have no idea what that means.
D
Put a perfect picture in my mind. I know exactly what he's doing.
B
These guys are sabbatical.
A
That's not surprising. All right, go for it.
D
Please could you picture this shirt and keep an open mind while we're at it?
C
This would be tough.
D
It's a picture of a roll with butter on it.
A
A roll with butter on it.
D
Okay. And it says, your child may be an honor roll student, but I'm on a roll.
B
And is this the butter's point of view?
D
It's the wearer of the shirt.
B
The roll would be on them.
D
Would you be open minded? I would you come into this with a sense of positive curiosity?
A
Creativity is being killed. Burnt. Okay.
B
I mean I am curious.
D
But you're asking what? You see that shirt on the street you got? That's an interesting shirt.
A
I'm thinking about more like. It sounds more like a bumper sticker, I will say. Cuz that's where you always see those honor roll things as a bumper sticker.
D
Uhoh. You're not going to like this.
B
You're not going to come down on her.
D
Be open minded. Open minded.
A
Is the next T shirt like a fish of the. With like clean like that. That one that everyone I've seen.
B
I've Seen the. The. The Jesus one. I've seen the Darwin one. Then there's a Satan one that I've also seen.
A
Oh, yeah. And then there's N otw. Not of this world.
D
Out of this world.
A
Not at this world.
D
Out of this world.
B
It's like a little alien.
A
No, I think it's a. It's about God.
D
It's Jesus riding the ET Bike.
B
Who's ET Is it still ET in the basket?
D
Still ET Jesus. Jesus is out.
B
Brilliant.
A
Now, that is a T shirt I like. Okay, wait, I have to pitch this.
B
Very quickly if you want that to work. Honestly. And I think it could, because I think there's a big market with Christians. It's Jesus riding the ET Bike. And then you customize it so it's your face as E.T.
D
That is it. That's it.
B
Although here's the thing.
A
That is good.
B
Although here's the thing. ET Was the one who made the bike fly. So it really has to be you piloting the bike.
A
It just has to be Jesus at the battle. Wasn't it that when you went to Universal Studios, you could get the picture taken where you are? I swear I've seen pictures of this, like from the 80s where kids would get in front of a green screen at Universal Studios and they're either on the bike or they're ET which one were they?
B
They're on the bike. They're on the bike because ET Also says goodbye to you at the end. Oh. And so he says your name. Unless you have a name. That's not a very typical name. And then he says, goodbye, friend.
D
ET Only knows English names.
B
Yeah, I mean, landed only in America.
D
That's true.
A
We have no proof that's true.
B
This is almost like the Book of Mormon. Is there some story where Jesus traveled to other countries?
A
Speaking of far afield, we are just dipping into every kind of possible dangerous vat.
D
But look what we got to dangerous vat. You know, like the dip in Roger.
B
Rabbit or the one the Joker fell in.
D
The most dangerous vat.
C
It's humans.
B
We gotta keep lids on vats. It's like, oh, my God. Can you imagine falling into a V. Knockout potion.
A
Knockout Potion. I was trying to think of that.
B
Evidently reference.
A
That's from the pilot that Doug, of course, wrote called Evidently about a man named. Is it his name? Lee Evident. I feel like we got confused with that.
B
I thought his name was just Evidently Evident.
C
Evidently.
A
L, E, I G H. And he finds out. He sees evidence. Like you used to see the new print pills in the New print, commercial back.
D
So everything's black and white, but the evidence is bright yellow.
B
Yeah, exactly.
A
You've got it.
B
I love this.
D
I'm very open minded.
A
We read the pilot on one of our episodes.
B
All right, so so far we have. I'm on a roll.
D
Yes. Or your child may be.
A
Yes.
D
Okay, this one.
B
There's a picture of a roll with butter on it.
D
Thank you for hearing me out on that.
A
That went well. Let's do another one. Let's do another one.
D
This one. You'll have to imagine the writing is all upside down.
A
Oh, that's hard.
D
Okay, so.
A
Well, if I'm walking past someone, how am I gonna have time to.
B
Actually, I thought you meant it was hard to imagine.
A
It is. But also I'm thinking, oh, how am I gonna. If someone's walking towards me? Do I have a chance to be.
B
Slows people down.
A
Oh, there you go.
D
Art should be challenging is what I believe. And that's why I like to be heard out. If you understood it right away, it's not art. It's. It's just consumable crap.
B
So this. This idea, this T shirt idea is sort of your piss Christ.
D
I would call this my piss Christ. So will you hear me out on it? And I want your listeners too as well. I don't want people to hit plus 30 on is.
A
There is. They're hearing this?
B
Yeah.
D
So it's the writings of. And it says, if you can read this, stop walking upside down.
A
No, I like that one.
B
It's actually better than the first one.
A
I like that one. That's a great one.
D
Okay, thank you very much.
A
I would buy that one.
B
Great.
A
If I were Mark Cuban, I would invest right now.
D
All right, well, so this is easy. We could make some money right away.
A
Wait, was that all the. Only the two?
D
No, no, no, no. But you're excited, so I.
B
We're not on board yet financially.
D
All right, all right, all right.
A
I want it to be a one off.
B
What if he's lucky? I'm Mr. Wonderful.
D
This could be quick and easy. Mr. Wonderful, we love you.
B
Is that something people have to say to him?
D
Yeah.
B
I find Shark Tank very depressing. I can't watch it.
A
I don't watch much of it.
B
It really bums me out for some reason.
D
I started getting tiktoks of people who were like, Mark Cuban said this product would never work, and look at me now. And it's them still selling their product on TikTok. So they've democratized, but their ad is like they Said this sucked, but it still works. So Shark Tank's still an opening into the world.
A
I guess so.
D
Number three.
A
Okay.
D
Keep honking. I'm a goose and honks sound like you're talking to me in my goose language.
A
Now. Okay, again, this one is. This is my only concern here. This is the second one that sounds more like a bumper sticker. Because if you are walking, nobody's honking. No one's really honking at you. And I'm not trying to throw a wrench in the works here. I'm just.
B
Unless you're crossing against the light.
A
Now, now, now, if you're talking about. We do have a local crosswalk in Dignity Falls. That is only for an animals.
B
Yes.
A
And there are times that you've had to just leave your car and walk home because you absolutely may not cross as long as there's animals crossing.
B
And sometimes because they might just, you know, bed down right there in the middle of the street.
A
Might bed down right there.
B
And so horse might fall asleep standing up right in the middle of the road.
A
And that's the rules. That's the rules here in. In our quirky town.
D
But they do respect the don't walk in the walk sign. And it's.
B
Oh, no. They do. Yeah, they do.
A
It's just that sometimes there's just a real rush hour of animals.
B
But we forgot to put a thing in there that says you have to, like, continue the journey in a time timely manner.
A
Don't fall asleep. But, But. So in your mind, how are you imagining someone wearing this T shirt and someone honking at them?
D
Can I be totally honest?
B
I also have some questions as well.
D
I'm fucking annoyed right now.
B
Hey, hey.
D
I said hear me out. I said just listen to me and hear me out. It takes nothing. It takes none of your energy. I'm asking nothing of you and all I'm getting is nothing.
C
You asked for money.
D
Well, okay. I did ask for a fresh iced coffee when I walked through the door.
B
That's right.
D
I asked for. I asked for hot breakfast.
A
I had to go to the store.
B
Yes, I did.
D
The scramble was not soft, I'll say that.
B
There wasn't any milk, so I used cream hora.
D
Which is also what they danced at Eric Clapton's bar mitzvah.
A
Oh, my goodness.
B
It's also what.
A
That could be a T shirt aura.
B
The cremor. Like the Torah. The horror. The horror.
A
Excuse me.
B
Hora and Torah. I never thought about that.
A
Oh, boy, Is there a third? Are we gonna get to every religion on this podcast today, I think Gamora. So wait, so wait, is that in the Jewish religion?
B
Gomorrah?
D
I don't know.
A
That's in the Old Testament, I believe.
B
Testament, yeah.
D
I'm sure Jews lived in Gomorrah.
A
Oh, boy. Okay. We are really, again, honestly don't know. We're talking about things that we are not experts on, and it's not safe.
B
Okay, I know what happened in Sodom. Do we have Gamora me? Is that a thing that people do?
A
Do we have what?
B
Gomorami.
A
Gomorrah me. Oh, God.
B
What did they do that was so bad? They got wiped out.
D
That just became French kissing, I think, is what the word ended up being.
B
Oh, boy. Kiss. So close to. Come here, Gamor.
D
Good morning.
A
That's how they say it where you grew up in Medium Italy.
B
That's right. Good morning.
A
So you just got very confrontational with us right now.
B
You really.
A
And now we're having fun and laughing. But I do want. I need to. I need to address it. I do. I do want you to know that we are only trying to help you. We are not trying to shoot down your ideas. My thinking is you've already told some people these ideas. You haven't gotten money. I'm finding out why right now. Right. Because there might be.
D
They won't hear me out.
B
No, we are hearing now. We're hearing you.
A
You're hurting our feelings, Sam, because we're giving you a platform I wish you'd listen to. Have you ever seen Downton Abbey?
D
I watched like two or three episodes of it.
A
Okay, see, did that sound familiar?
D
Yeah, very.
B
Okay, good.
D
There's the episode where Droopy Dog shows up. Right.
B
That's great. Now, Sam, I have to say this. First of all, we are hearing you out.
D
Thank you.
A
And trying to help you.
B
And we're maybe giving notes because if you're looking for invest, whether or not we end up being the investors, I think this is good feedback to get.
A
Exactly.
B
For the next pitch, if it should go further than this, you just want to be ready. Now, I also want to say I like the goose idea.
A
Okay.
B
But I think that instead of the goose saying, I'm a goose, and it sounds like you're talking to me in my goose language. It's long.
A
It's a long. We want.
B
I think it's a lot of work. The question that people have. Have is, well, what does that sound like to the goose? What is. What are they saying?
A
That's an excellent point. Oh, babe.
C
Okay, what do you Got on the back, you have Goose from Top Gun dying. That horrible. That dramatic scene. It was so sad.
A
Dying.
D
Why?
A
Babe, look, I was with you until you mentioned that scene.
C
You know what?
A
He. He.
C
You know the scene.
B
No, we know. That's not the issue, so we can't figure out.
C
What you see is him giving a thumbs up as he's.
D
That's my man out there.
B
Is that what he did?
A
He did not. That's not what happened.
D
Thumbs up.
A
No.
D
And it's right after the other gu dies and turns into all the Terminators. He's been.
B
Oh, right. Right now, Terminator was completely submerged in lava. He still could control his thumb. He's like. Like. Did he program himself, like, before he went in. In T minus 2 seconds?
C
It's like.
A
Gun's not good.
B
All of the Terminator.
C
Yeah, all. All parts are. You know, they can control themselves.
B
It all just moves into whatever's left until I reach the thumb. The sub contains all of the Terminators. The consciousness just gets pushed into Earthworm tech.
A
Okay, I agree.
B
We're not a movie podcast.
A
We are not. You wouldn't believe it. I agree with Bernt that it's just a little. It's just a little. It's a lot to wrap your head around. And I don't know that we want the goose dusting on the back, babe. I mean, does that.
B
Does that spark any ideas? Like, what would a car horn sound like it's saying to a goose?
A
But I also agree that maybe the joke, the punchline is on the back of the shirt. Maybe we solve it by.
B
Yeah, I'm okay with that.
C
What if you put. What if you put little horns, like, in the armpits? So if you're walking around.
A
Okay, sorry, I thought you meant, like, devil horns. You mean like a honka honka, like that horn?
D
I love it. It's not this idea, but I love it. It's not this, but I do love it. Okay, here's what I want.
B
I'm sorry. And Doug, what does that accomplish?
C
Well, you. Your problem seemed to be. You were missing the horn aspect. No, like the honking.
A
That wasn't my problem entirely, babe.
C
Okay.
A
I think he's thinking, well, if.
B
Honking, Honka, honking.
D
I guess me and Doug are just pretty confused.
A
Wait, can you read it to me again, please? Speaking of hearing you out, let me hear you out.
B
Maybe I missed something.
A
Okay, Maybe. Let me just. I'm gonna close my eyes. I'm gonna picture this.
D
Keep honking.
B
Keep honking.
D
I'm a goose and honks sound like you're talking to me in my goose language.
A
So now here's my question. Wearing this T shirt, right?
B
Yes.
A
Right away. I'm kind of now like, why are you. Why are you saying. Saying you're a goose? Do you know what I mean? Yeah, like that. It's now two steps, right? I'm watching you. You're wearing a T shirt and you're saying you're a goose. Why are you saying you're a goose.
B
With the butter and the roll?
A
Yes, it's very similar. It's very similar.
D
You know, there's a story in the T shirt industry that we talk about.
B
Is there the industry you're not in?
D
I would like to be if you would hear me out.
B
For.
A
How long have we been hearing him out, babe? It's going to take a minute.
B
That's a good question.
C
I've never been asked at this point.
B
I have been keeping a little eye on the clock and I think we're okay.
D
I've got an answer. Zero minutes you've been hearing me.
A
That's true. That's a fabrication.
C
Fabric.
B
Sam, you're telling tales.
D
I'm not telling tales. I'm not. Okay. And with the. The people that I know in the T shirt industry, who I've met many of them. I'm talking Steve Flunders.
A
Who? What?
B
Doug, you know who this is?
C
You know Steve Flunders?
D
Yes. These are T shirt industry big wigs.
A
Can I hear the story? What's the famous story from the T shirt industry?
D
Okay. The people at Hanes Big Tees, okay, took a meeting with Jeffrey Big Dogs and laughed him out of the room. They said nobody's gonna buy T shirts with large Newfoundland dogs with pony. Tons of movies and TV shows or ideas of riding motorcycles.
B
Okay, now what I'm gathering from this is that I did not know what big dogs T shirts were. And now I'm finding out they are quite literally T shirts with big dogs on them.
D
That's right. They're big Newfoundland dogs.
A
Yes.
B
And it was always new.
A
Very crazy. Yes, they're very crazy. It's like they're. But they're just about as common as, you know, the T shirt. Are they the same guys who did, you know, the T shirt where you're wearing a bikini?
D
No, no, no. But I know those guys.
A
How do you feel about those? Because those are pretty classic.
D
I mean, those have endured, taste wise. They're not for me, but I love that they tried something.
A
Is there a phrase for those in the business. Is there like a. Like a. Is it a derogatory term or.
B
There's also. You have the muscle man tea.
C
You know, you got tuxedo.
B
You got tuxedo.
A
You got tuxedo.
C
You got Big J Johnson. What about those?
D
Big Johnson is nasty.
C
Big John. It's a little racy.
D
The idea is it's a ads for a bigness business.
B
A big. That's what Hanes Beefy teases bigness shirts. They're a bigness.
D
They're ads for a fake business called Big Johnsons. And the whole idea is like Big Johnsons. Poker in the front, liquor in the back.
A
Oh, gosh. Oh, my God. My twins would love those that are blue and mazzone.
B
Strike this business. I'm sorry. That was my first thought. I apologize.
D
They're everywhere that. You can't. You can't.
A
You told us that story because those people were laughed out of the room. And so you. Are you identifying with them? You feel like you're the person who's being laughed out of the room.
D
I'm saying keep honking. I am a goose and.
A
Oh, wait, what?
D
Keep honking. I'm a goose. That hawks sound like you're talking to me in my goose language is going to be the same. Same as the dog father T shirts that you see at any boardwalk motorcycle rally. Ironic hangout in the country.
B
They're big with the bikers.
A
Yes.
B
I didn't realize that.
A
Oh, yeah, for sure.
D
You put a big dog on your big mama. Get on the hill.
B
Bigger than. If you can read this, the bitch fell off.
D
They're in the same zone.
A
Didn't know. Look at. You're well versed in these T shirts.
B
I know more about biker T shirts than I do about these other T shirts. It's one of the only T shirts that sequel. If you can read this, I'm the bitch. I'm the bitch that fell off.
A
Okay.
B
If she's. If she's on the back of the. Of the bike.
D
I'm really surprised you know so much about shirts and you're still being so.
B
Sam. Don't even say I have. I have been open minded, Joan has been open minded, Doug.
A
Very open minded. You know, I saw a T shirt. My one that I love this summer was a woman wearing a T shirt saying, I'm nicer when I have a tan. And boy, oh boy, is that true. That's what. Maybe you could do a spin on that, you know?
D
You know, that's a market. I'm not really versed In I think as we get larger. That would be interesting to me.
A
Okay.
D
But I just don't want to speak in a point of view that's not one that.
A
I appreciate that. I appreciate that. But then you're talking about being a goose, you know, so. What. What is it? Is there a picture of it? Could it be. Yeah, I want to know that, too. Is there a picture of a goose?
D
Because we can afford.
B
We want the truth.
D
You can handle the goose.
A
Did you or did you not order the xl?
D
You know what? We live in a world with bodies, and those bodies need to be covered by shirts. Who's gonna do it?
A
You?
D
You need me making these shirts.
A
You want me on that rack?
D
Yeah. I played Lt. Kendrick in a high school production of I did. Yeah.
A
Good for you.
D
You got training from a mar. One day and he said, do the line. Do you can't handle the truth? And I screamed it really bad. And he went, it's all right.
B
Who is Lieutenant Kendrick?
A
Which one is that?
D
That's Jack Nicholson.
B
He's only a lieutenant.
D
I guess.
B
So I assume that for. Given his age and his age.
D
It could be Colonel Kendrick. It could be Colonel Kendrick, maybe.
A
It might be, but it's 20 years ago. Colonel Jessup.
D
Jessup. Kendrick is. Kendrick's the other one. You're right. It is Jessup.
B
So who did you play?
D
I played Jessup. Excuse me. I got the names mixed up that.
A
Now that I was never in it. I knew it. But you knew all the dialogue.
D
I. I did.
B
I, too. I've seen the movie.
A
You know, I went to a high school theater camp where you arrived as a junior in. In high school for your summer, and it was at a university, and everyone comes from all over the country, and you're like, oh, my gosh, everyone's a drama nerd. And you have to do your audition in front of everybody because they're going to put you in one of eight shows. Right. That you're gon put together for the summer. And everyone did things like normal things like Shakespeare or. Or they sang a song or. Or, you know, they did like, something from Neil Simon. And. And. And a boy literally got up and. And. And very much sat in a chair and delivered that entire monologue. And it was.
B
We're talking about a junior in high school. Yes, I would have.
A
It was the greatest moment of my life.
D
I can one up it.
A
Oh, please.
D
I did the whole Ezekiel 24:17 speech from the high school audition.
B
And.
D
And the teacher was very upset.
A
Wow. Wow. Okay.
B
Was it greeted with Furious anger.
D
Yes. And I knew their name was the Lord.
A
This. This goose thing has really, really gotten us so off track, and I.
B
Maybe we should just go to the next.
A
I think we should go. I would love to hear one more. I'd love to hear you out.
D
I did save the best for last.
A
Okay, great.
D
All right. This is a picture of Garfield the cat.
B
Oh, picture.
A
See it? So helpful.
B
Okay.
D
Why does Garfield hate Mondays? He doesn't even have a job. The weekend has no meaning to him.
A
It's a good point.
B
Honestly, it's pretty straightforward.
A
Now, what is Garfield doing?
B
It could be a little punchier, maybe.
A
What is he. What is he doing?
D
He's laying down, kind of upset.
A
Okay.
D
And maybe there's a calendar behind him that says Monday, September.
B
I'm going to say this to you, and I want you to.
C
I love it.
A
I feel like you're adding stuff in the moment because you're feeling what you say, babe.
B
Don't. Don't ask.
A
I want to know.
B
Here's. No, you don't.
A
He's my husband. A lot of times I miss what he says in the podcast. That's another one of my goals. I want to make sure I'm always catching what he's saying. What did you say, baby?
C
I said 11th because he said I filled in the calendar day.
A
Oh, okay. You're right. I didn't need to hear this.
B
I tried to save you. So a goose. Are you okay?
A
Oh, wait a minute.
D
Yeah, just clear my throat.
B
Wow, that was very dramatic.
A
Goose like so.
D
Speaking of geese, if the accusation is that I'm part goose, it's absurd.
B
Let's put a pin in that.
A
Let's definitely put a pin in that.
B
I would say that a goose is.
D
Bless you.
B
Open. It is open to anyone to draw. You could have. You could draw any goose you want.
A
Sure.
B
Garfield the cat is a copywritten.
A
I. Yes. This was my question as well.
B
Copyrighted image that you would be committing. You'd be breaking the law.
A
Yes.
B
If you were to put Garfield on the shirt.
A
But might be another reason why you're not getting investors. Because you know, they're worried you're going to use these. Yeah.
B
Whereas you could absolutely have a goose on a T shirt.
A
You could.
B
To help support.
A
And you should. You could and you should.
B
But Garfield, you don't need to have him on the shirt in order to have the.
A
The joke works. I agree with that. Burns, what do you say to that? Now, that is us listening, hearing you out. And I'd also cut it off after.
B
Garfield doesn't even have a job. He wouldn't.
A
It does kind of run on.
D
No. Because people are like, well, so why does that matter? And it's. You have to point out what you mean by that.
B
You don't have to.
A
I don't know that you do.
B
We're saying you don't have to.
A
Yeah. I think this is moments where we did.
B
That's what we're telling you.
A
Audience is smarter than you think also.
C
But Garfield is. He wouldn't like Mondays because John is gone on Mondays.
D
He hates. He hates John.
A
He hates John and Mondays also.
B
He doesn't work one day a week. The guy guy.
D
Right.
B
I don't know what his job is. Yeah.
A
John is a messed up, sad individual. Like his life is bleak.
B
No, he's very pathetic. He's very pathetic.
A
Maybe the most terrible boyfriend. His relationship with his girlfriend is terrible.
B
I forgot sometimes terrible.
A
Yeah. And they treat her terribly. So anyways.
D
Who's they? Odie Garfield. All of them.
A
All of them. Justice for her. I don't remember her name.
B
Did Garfield live in the world where. With the. That had legs?
A
What now?
D
From. From the farm.
B
Yes.
D
The Wacky Acres was the same something Acres. It would play same drawing style, right? Same drawing style. Orson. Okay, now I was a pig. I think the egg's name was like something like Egg Bird or it was in that world.
A
Eggbird. What are you doing?
B
Please come out of the fever, Eggbird. I have a fever.
A
Go check on the children. I have a fever. Make sure they don't have a fever.
C
Liz. Girlfriend.
B
Thank you, Doug.
A
Thank you, Doug. That was very helpful.
B
Thank you.
A
That was helpful.
B
That was the hanging thread that we needed to tie up.
A
Should we get back to that pin about him being a goose?
B
Yes, you did say. You. You did say a very frankly suspicious manner. I agree that you were not part goose, if that's what we were thinking.
D
Felt like the accusation was inches away and I just had to get out of it.
B
No, I've never thought that.
A
No, I didn't know that would. And I think that's one of the reasons why since we would never think that of anyone. This. That T shirt is tricky. And I think it needs a picture of a goose somewhere. I think a goose needs to be saying it on the T shirt. Do you see what I'm saying?
B
I do. And can I ask you flat out, are you part goose?
D
I do not recall.
B
You cannot recall. This is not. You're not a trial. You're not under oath.
D
I do not recall. I've been advised to say I do not recall.
A
Oh, boy. His favorite answer.
D
If there's some sort of assumption or suggestion that I was a goose who magically got turned into a man's body, and my dream, my whole life of being a goose was to invent funny T shirts that I'd been thinking of while looking at bumper stickers of cars because my head was too low to read people's T shirts. I'll say right now that I categorized do not remember, and I cannot recall.
B
There's so much to unpack here. We are running low on time.
A
We really are. Also, is he a goose that only walked but never flew? Because he's always. He's saying, I was only at the eye level of the cars, and I couldn't.
B
Goose could look up and see a T shirt.
A
I would think so.
B
If a goose can hear me, can.
A
I ask Sam what your last name is?
D
Gooseman.
A
Are you really so on the nose?
B
Louis Gooseman. How hard is that?
C
S.
D
Mine is an American Gooseman. His is the.
A
All right, let's not.
B
Let's calm down, Sam Guzman.
A
Well, I don't know. Maybe that does wrap it up for us, because to be honest, that's pretty. That's pretty direct, I have to say. Burnt. I don't know.
B
Yeah, I think what we're dealing with.
A
With here, like, clearly a case.
B
You got turned into a man. And that's why his T shirt ideas aren't. That they're a little bit off.
A
Yeah, that's right. Just. They're. They're almost there. Yeah, they're almost there.
B
I like the idea, though, that he saw bumper stickers.
A
Yeah.
B
They should be on shirts.
A
Yes. And you know what? You're a visionary, Sam.
D
Thank you very much. I feel like we finally heard me outright at the. The end here.
A
Good. I'm so glad.
D
I really appreciate that.
A
We won't be investing. I don't think.
B
I think you could speak for both of us. Yes, I will. I will not be investing.
D
That's all right.
A
You have to talk to my husband, because I bet you anything right now he's got a lot of ideas about.
B
Oh, I'm sure he's out of the iron lung and into the checkbook. Doug, what say you?
C
Do you have any ideas that just aren't like, do you ever shape the T shirts in a different way?
A
What do you mean, babe? What do you mean, shape them?
C
I just feel like we're trapped in the same shape of T shirt.
B
Do you think because of the human body.
D
I guess. We could make a shirt with like a really long neck and.
A
Okay. Okay. Yeah. A long turtleneck.
B
Like a turtleneck?
D
Yeah. Or gooseneck. Whatever you want to call it.
B
Gooseneck shirt.
A
Sure. You know, the classic gooseneck.
D
Goose ass shirts.
A
Goose ass.
B
Goose ass shirts.
D
Big bottoms, big hem.
B
Yeah, right. Wide enough?
A
Wide load.
B
Wide load.
A
That could be a T shirt.
D
Yeah, wide load.
B
Probably is.
A
It already is.
B
Yeah.
A
Someone on a bike is wearing it.
B
Swore. I'm sorry. I apologize. So mad about those shirts.
C
Goose ass shirts. Like kind of like those juicy. Those juicy pants you put on the bed.
A
Oh, I see.
D
Goose assy instead of juicy.
B
Where does it go?
A
It's just like, it's like a Victoria's Secret thing. I think it used to be. And it would say the word juicy across the butt or something. You know, I thought juicy was JP Would. See, I thought it was an offshoot of Victoria.
B
You're explaining the thing that actually now.
A
You'Re touching me.
B
Trying to ground you.
A
Okay.
B
You're explaining the thing that actually comes to me. And I'm aware of that.
A
Oh, got it.
B
I'm asking Doug about the, the goose ass shirt.
A
Well, he's just. Oh, the goose ass shirt. Yeah. I don't know about that one.
C
Oh, what are you asking about?
B
Where would.
A
You just want to know where he would go?
B
Yes.
A
Where the word would go.
B
Where the word would go on the back. Where the word would go.
A
Yeah, I do know what he's talking about.
B
But it's a shirt.
C
Yeah, but it covers the butt.
A
That's right.
C
Yes, it goes, it has like, you know, like a.
A
But it stretches tight over the butt is what I'm imagining he's picturing.
C
You know, the old polo shirts.
B
Doesn't fit.
C
You know the polo shirts where it has the cow of back skirt. We've forgotten our guest really long.
B
Yeah.
C
And it says goosey.
D
No, I love this.
A
Okay, okay.
D
Maybe the S's are the stussy asses. Yeah, like stussy. I don't know. Why not?
B
It sounds, I'll tell you why not. Because that's also a copy written thing.
A
Yeah. You can't, you can't just do that. But I, I, I wish you luck in your journey because it sounds like you're on sort of almost like a, well, an otherworldly journey at this moment. Yeah. This is, this is kind of magical.
B
Yeah.
A
And I do think you, I think you need to learn more. I think maybe observe humans more. I'm going to say that without any judgment as to what you are, but I would like you to observe humans more maybe.
B
I would also say if you were a goose transformed into a human being, there's so much more that you could and should be doing than trying to get into the T shirt business.
D
Could you be. So you could pick of anything.
B
You could be a bridge between the human and animal kingdoms.
A
This is true. Amazing.
B
And that could lead to us saving our planet that we share together and.
A
Clearing out that crosswalk in town. That would be. I'd start there. I started a community, grassroots level, you know.
D
Yeah.
A
Go out there into the community of animals and people.
B
Yeah. I mean, it's. Having someone who can speak to both the animal and human world is, I think, an invaluable resource. And I really would. Stop wasting your time with T shirts.
A
Okay. Burnt. Burnt. We were. Let's end on a positive note. Apologize. Let's end on a positive.
B
I'm thinking about it now, and it's getting me kind of worked up.
D
I just wish you would have continued to hear me out.
A
But we did. I believe we did.
B
We heard you out about this, and.
D
Then you're telling me these crazy things like you want to talk to geese, and there's some assumption that because I might be a goose, I can communicate with other animals. Nothing can be learned between human goose communication.
A
Can I ask unequivocally? Unequivocally.
B
Not a thing.
A
It's a dead end. Burnt. It's a dead end.
C
Are you the guy that sort of hangs out on the golf course all the time and you're always getting in the way of the ball?
D
That's not how I would characterize it, but yes, I spend time there.
C
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
B
Are you the guy that won't let people go in and out of the supermarket? They try to go there, and then you just appear out of nowhere and knock them out.
A
You chase after them, you run after them.
D
I'm the guy protecting my kids near the supermarket. When people come close to them, I would say that's true.
B
Okay. I. Honest to God, I wish we had talked about.
A
About this first.
B
I know.
D
That's not why I'm here.
B
I understand.
C
I've seen you get hit by the golf ball so hard and you just don't even move.
D
Come right at you. If you hit that at me, I'll come right at you. I'm not scared of you.
A
Okay. All right.
B
Well, Sam, cool. Thank you. Thank you for. For being here. I'm sorry we couldn't help you. I'm sorry you couldn't help us.
D
But as more meetings have to end with that much empathy.
B
We'Ll return with the Neighbor Listen when the Neighbor Listen returns.
A
Hi, everybody. This is Heidi. I have free mannequins. I don't have any other information. I figured it was best to just put this picture of the mannequins laying down. I tried to lay them down in the most disturbing way possible. And so that is what you're looking at. And I just. I. Yes, I am a huge fan of Law and Order svu, if you must know. And sometimes I like to try to make up my own episodes, but I've been told by my neighbors to stop that. So I've got all these free mannequins. And if you can figure out what it is to the left of. Of the last mannequins feet. The thing that's black. I don't know what it is, but it creeps me out. You can come and get that, too. Thank you. Free mannequins.
B
And we're back now. Joan.
A
Okay.
B
Do you think Sam Gooseman.
A
Really didn't expect it to be that on the nose?
B
Do you think he truly was a goose who got turned into a human?
A
If we. If we had not had a guest a few years ago that was indeed a squirrel, I would have said there's no chance. But since we already accepted that happening on this podcast.
B
Did we fully accept it?
A
I'm pretty sure.
C
I don't think we questioned it after we.
B
I still have questions if that really happened or not. Oh, really? Yes.
A
It was a weird time.
B
It was a weird time.
C
Of course, I couldn't see it the whole time.
B
Yeah.
C
That's why I still wonder what you two saw.
B
That's true.
A
It was. Well, and he wasn't in my house. It was when we were. We were using, like, you know, a zoom situation. That's how we just. So I think that's another reason why we may be questioning it.
B
Because it was a filter. It never even occurred to me.
A
It could have absolutely been a filter. Oh, my gosh.
C
Those fooled me.
A
But. But Mr. Gooseman was really here in front of.
B
He really was. And here's the thing. Here's what makes me question it.
A
Yes.
B
Let's say a human being wanted to be an animal. You'd want to do that because you'd want the freedom of just being a wild, free creature.
A
Everyone wants to fly.
B
Whatever. Yeah. If you wanted to be a goose, it's because you wanted to fly.
A
Correct. That's it. That's the end. That's the end.
B
Why else would you want to be a goose? It's a big. It's a big bird. Like, if you're going to be. If you're going to. If you want to fly. Want to be a bigger bird?
A
Yeah. I'd be a heron. Great legs.
B
Pretty. I worry about herons. I worry about their legs.
A
I guess you worry they're going all of a sudden bend the wrong way. They're so spindly.
B
They're so spindly.
A
They are spindly.
C
How do they make it with those legs?
B
How do they make it with those legs?
A
This is a roast of herons.
B
Yeah.
C
You ever look at your pinky finger and just wonder that? I do.
A
I'm sorry, babe. What?
C
Or you just think, like, how have I made it all this way without just breaking this?
B
Doug, are you in an iron lung or a big bong?
C
It's like if you just held like a twig your whole life and you never broke it.
A
Wait, what are you talking about?
C
If you were trusted with a little twig when. The day you were born.
A
Why would you. Why would anyone entrust you with anything the day you're born? Who does that?
B
Plenty of people are broken their pinkies. I don't.
A
Yeah. Are you saying that you think pinkies are not. I am not.
C
So congratulations. That's a miracle.
A
Congratulation.
B
Doug.
C
I'm saying, like, our eyes.
A
Oh, God.
C
If you were entrusted with two marbles the day you were born and you.
B
Never lost gelatinous marble, you need to.
A
Get out of there immediately. Babe, you are losing it. You are losing it.
B
You know what I think I'm making? I will say, Doug, I'm gonna say this. I would say it's a miracle that any of us make it at all. That is every single day. Much less focusing on individual parts.
A
Honestly. So well said. Burnt. And listen, I do. Having children, I do look at that and I just think, oh, wow. How have they not broken every bone in their body?
B
Yes.
A
You know, because. And somehow they had right things like that. Like everyone says. Everyone says those things about their kids. But yeah, it is true. I mean, I the analogy of giving a baby something on the day they're born, to be taking care of it. You lost me a little bit there, babe. But I get what you're saying. It is crazy how any of us make it through this nutty, nutty day in this nutty life.
B
Nutty James, nutty life. But so this guy, he's a goose. And then the only thing he wants, his prime directive is gotta make T.
A
Shirts Gotta make T shirts.
B
Funny. T shirts?
A
Yes.
B
There's nothing else.
A
Extensively being. Yeah.
B
The apex predator of planet Earth.
A
Wait, Right. Say the beginning part.
B
There's nothing else he wants to do. No.
A
That was the end, babe. Right before Apex.
B
There's nothing else he wants to do as a human being. The apex predator of planet Earth.
A
Got it.
B
We have the ability. We have the ability to wipe out. We have the ability to wipe out every creature.
A
That's true. Wow. You know, Turned out dark.
B
Yeah. So all he wants to do is make T shirts with that much power.
A
I don't know. I'm not sure that every. I think he's still very much a goose in a man's body. I'm not sure. It's like a situation where he. I think that would happen if, like, the human brain went into the goose and the goose became super intelligent. I think in this case a goose brain went into a man.
C
Okay, but I'm not making sense.
B
Sean. I really. I hate to side with Doug on this one.
A
I guess I'm confused as to how he is a goose and a man. Did he discuss.
B
It's a goose's consciousness in a human's body. That's what I'm saying. And all he wants to do is make fucking T shirts.
A
What I'm saying is that's a goose brain. Do you really think a goose brain has like that kind of thought? Thought. You know what I'm saying?
B
Yes.
A
Because I would say when they take an. It's like with Frankenstone, but Young Frankenstein. It's like when they put the Abby normal brain into the man. He acts abnormal. And he's not highly intelligent.
B
To say Frankenstone.
A
Just now when I said Young Frankenstein. No, I said Young Frankenstein.
B
Frankenstein.
A
Yes. I had to say Frankenstein just to bring it back. I was calling back when I mentioned Frankenstone earlier. I did it on purpose.
C
I think a goose brain.
B
It didn't help anything.
A
I'm sorry. Do you know what I mean? A goose. Goose brain. How big is a goose brain? That's going to be tight. Goose brain's not going to be thinking about world domination.
B
Will you just hear me out? You just hear me out.
C
And then me after you.
B
Because. Sure.
A
And then me again.
B
A goose. Don't forget the order. A goose is an animal that has a very limited capacity for understanding. You would think they'd be driven more by instinct than by business.
A
Fair enough. But that goose. I don't think a goose is going around thinking about world domination. Even as a goose.
B
I'M not saying world domination, but I'm.
A
Saying you as the apex predator, wouldn't you want to do something else?
B
You now have to hear me do whatever you want. You have more power than you ever had in your life. Why would you. The first thing, the thing you settle on is T shirts.
A
And I guess all I'm saying is maybe the goose brain cannot actually wrap its head around the fact that what it has the opportunity of what you're saying. I can't believe I don't know how.
B
They get as far as T shirts and then they don't get any further.
A
Okay, now you go, Doug.
C
Okay.
A
And then Joan, and then me.
C
I feel like you just went, me, Joan?
B
No, Joan did not go. She was addressing my point.
A
Responded to burnt.
B
Yes, she was addressing my point. Doug, don't pout.
A
He can hear it through the microphone.
C
Can't help but pout right now.
B
No, you can help.
C
Help A pout.
A
You got hold.
C
You can't control it.
A
What's your point?
C
A goose brain might not be capable of a lot, but it would be. You're getting choked up.
B
I can hear in your voice. It's really. I'm sorry. So sorry.
C
Credibility to the Gooseman theory. What?
B
What does IRA lends credibility?
A
No, no. What Lens Noira.
C
What lends credibility to the Gooseman theory? I believe I do think a goose would be thinking, yeah, keep honking that. I like it because it makes sense in my goose language.
B
Right.
C
I think that's what goose are thinking.
B
That does sound like a T shirt a goose would design.
A
It does. That's why it makes no sense for a human.
B
One to one.
A
That's why it makes no sense for a human to wear it.
B
Yes.
A
And what I was going to say, I ended up saying in my response. It is my turn, but I'm gonna right now.
B
It's very big of you, Doug.
A
I'd rather reclaim my time just to read another post.
B
Reclaiming your time.
C
Sustained.
A
Oh, no. Okay, so this is from Katie with a C. And this says try not to judge. This says sourdough starter, but there's no punctuation after it. It just says sourdough starter. And then it's underneath it says, are there any sourdough bakers out there that would be willing to share a bit of their discard after the next feeding of your starter? Guys.
B
So unpleasant.
A
I know sourdough became a big deal a couple years ago when we were all inside, but I don't know anything about what she's talking about. And it Is disgusting to me. It sounds very hell. Is she actually talking about.
B
I don't know. I never heard about discard, which is so uncomfortable to discharge.
A
So upsetting. Yes, it is. Yes, it is. So you mean to tell me that, what, you just take a tiny little like. Like a. Like a cutting of a plant? So, like you just pull off a piece?
B
I believe it is like that.
A
You just put it in a bowl and then what?
B
And then add water and then it grows into a little bit.
C
I don't think it's a plan.
A
Next feeding of your starter. Like, what are we talking about?
B
I think you have to. You have to add on to the starter. What do you add more ingredients? I really, really don't know. I. I know the concept.
A
More things we don't know about than we ever have.
C
You do feed it.
A
Okay. What do you feed it, babe?
C
Probably like flies and stuff.
B
No flies. Doug. Doug.
A
You'Re talking about feeding bread dough. Actual flies. What are you talking about? That would be in your bread. Fly bread.
B
No, thank you.
C
No, that's in the starter.
A
Fly bread. No, thank you.
C
The starter absorbs it.
B
You think that's a T T shirt?
A
After today, I think anything could be a T shirt.
B
Really opened up the possibilities, didn't it?
A
No, they don't.
C
I think I'm thinking of.
A
The dough doesn't have digestive properties. It's not going to break down the fly.
C
I was picturing. I was thinking it was like Audrey maybe.
A
I knew that's exactly what he was thinking. Little shop of Horace is exactly.
B
Because you heard the word feed.
A
Feed.
B
That means it must have a giant mouth.
A
Absolutely, yes. This makes me not. I was thinking of maybe getting into sourdough. I will never do it now. I. I might not ever look at sourdough again.
B
Oh, I hope that's not true. Oh, no.
A
Oh, I hope that's not true. You need a starter discard. Discard. Oh, no.
B
Robert.
A
The sourdough has a fever. The starter has a fever.
B
Sourdough. Starve the sourdough. Feed the sourdough.
A
There's not enough to go around for the children. Wow. Well, this has been quite a first episode.
B
It really has really, I mean, really.
A
Ran around a bunch of subjects.
B
We just feels more like a 13th episode than a first episode.
A
What does it mean that we're starting here with a potential. A potential goose in a man's body?
B
Oh, I don't know.
A
Don't go Frankenstone on me.
B
Is that a T shirt.
A
Something? There better be a T shirt. That comes out of this episode is all I have to say.
B
I bet there is.
A
There should be at least one.
B
I bet there is.
A
Okay.
B
Might be the goose one.
A
It really might be the goose one. He still said he's not gonna know. Probably switches back.
B
Whoever.
A
I don't know the rules.
B
Whoever granted him this day of humanity is probably very disappointing.
A
24 hour thing for sure.
B
It's probably. You squandered it. You're a goose again. All right, well, thank you so much for listening. We're excited about this new season and if you want to hear ad free versions of the show and get access to our bonus content, you can go to cbb world.com and sign up for the the maximus tier and that will give you that content of which I previously have spoken.
A
Wow. Okay. Well, I think it's time to go.
B
Yeah, it is. I'm. I'm excited to say we'll be back at San Francisco Sketch Fest.
A
We will in.
B
In January, I believe. That's a Sunday. It is January 17th, I think. Does that sound familiar?
A
Make sure of that.
B
18Th.
A
Maybe it's the eight.
B
We're going to look at the calendar right now.
A
I'm looking at it right now.
C
Better apologize to sourdough.
B
January 18th. Oh, my God. We better get be make sure we're okay with Sourdough as a concept before we get up there.
A
Oh, I guess that's true. And famous for it. I'm fine with rice. I have no problem.
B
So yes, again, that date. That is the 18th January 2020. We will provide more information like the venue and all that stuff as we receive it. But for now, if you're in the going to be in the San Francisco area, save the date, as they say.
A
Yes.
B
Anything else that we need to plug, do you think?
A
I think that's it. Yeah.
B
All right. Well, we'll be back. We'll be back again. Like it coming back.
A
The Russian version of Downton Abbey.
B
We'll be back next week and until.
A
Then, goodbye and bye. All of the posts used in this episode were real. Only some geographical specifics have been changed.
B
The Neighborhood Listen is hosted and produced by me, Paul F. Tompkins and me.
C
Nicole Parker and me, Brett Morris.
A
This episode's guest was played by Dan Lippert.
B
The Neighborhood Listen is a production of Comedy Bang Bang world.
A
Go to cpbworld.com to unlock the entire history of the show. Ad free as well as brand new full length bonus room episodes exclusive to Maxima subscribers. Subscribers. Your support keeps the show going.
Episode: It Can't Hurt To Listen with Dan Lippert
Date: October 7, 2025
Hosts: Burnt Millipede (Paul F. Tompkins), Joan Pedestrian (Nicole Parker), Doug (Brett Morris)
Guest: Sam Gooseman (Dan Lippert)
Main Theme:
The Season 9 premiere invites listeners into the quirky world of Dignity Falls as seen through bizarre neighborhood social posts and a local’s quest to launch a T-shirt business. With signature improvisational humor, the hosts navigate relationship updates, eccentric neighborhood drama, and an enigmatic guest whose ideas are almost as questionable as his possible origins.
As Season 9 kicks off, Burnt, Joan, and Doug return to share updates from their lives and review posts from the local NeighborHat app, before welcoming Sam Gooseman—a resident seeking investors for his "ingenious" (if baffling) T-shirt ideas. What follows is an uproarious, often absurd, quest to “hear him out” and determine whether Sam is just ahead of his time, or perhaps something more... feathered.
[33:15–76:01]
On Sam’s combative T-shirt pitch:
"You're hurting our feelings, Sam, because we're giving you a platform. I wish you'd listen.” – Joan (53:38)
On the ‘Gooseman’ theory:
"Are you part goose?" – Burnt (68:54)
"I do not recall." – Sam (68:55)
"If you wanted to be a goose, it's because you wanted to fly. Why else would you want to be a goose?" – Burnt (78:29)
On Dignity Falls logic:
"We have a crosswalk that’s only for animals, and sometimes you have to just leave your car and walk home." – Burnt (50:45)
Doug’s signature non-sequiturs:
"You ever look at your pinky finger and just wonder that?...How have I made it all this way without just breaking this?" – Doug (79:04)
Community Dynamics: The episode humorously spotlights the unpredictability of neighborhood communications—from offloading freezer meat to sourdough discard, proving no topic is too niche for Dignity Falls.
Sam Gooseman’s Arc: The guest segment, a send-up of both entrepreneurship and magical realism, slyly riffs on American “pivot culture” and the folly of T-shirt startups—all delivered with increasing absurdity as the hosts begin to suspect their guest is, quite literally, a goose.
Improvisational Tone: Playful, sometimes contentious, never mean-spirited—The Neighborhood Listen delivers its strongest comedy through deadpan delivery, escalating tangents, and communal “hear-me-out” energy.
"Hear Me Out": The phrase becomes a running joke throughout, as Sam’s repeated pleas ultimately mirror the real quandary of how far neighbors, and audiences, will go to support someone’s passion project.
This episode is a microcosm of The Neighborhood Listen’s appeal: surreal yet relatable hyper-local drama, hosts with indomitable chemistry, a guest who may not be entirely... human, and the earnest (if futile) pursuit to “hear each other out” in a world full of odd ducks—make that, geese.
For more ad-free episodes and bonus content: cbbworld.com (Maximus Plan)
Quick Reference Table
| Segment | Timestamp | |---------|-----------| | Episode catch-up & intros | 01:36–12:13 | | Relationship/Downton Abbey | 12:13–25:28 | | Freezer Meat Post | 28:42–29:58 | | Sam’s T-shirt Pitch | 33:15–76:01 | | Sourdough Post | 85:44–87:41 | | Wrap-up | 87:41–89:43 |