Mysterious Plastic Balls with Alison Rich

Summary

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The Neighborhood Listen: "Mysterious Plastic Balls with Alison Rich"

Release Date: June 9, 2026
Hosts: Burnt Millipede (Paul F. Tompkins), Joan Pedestrian (Nicole Parker), Doug (Brett Morris)
Guest: Ellen Smellin (Alison Rich)

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Neighborhood Listen delves into a peculiar Crime & Safety post from Dignity Falls: someone is repeatedly leaving bottles filled with mysterious, colorful plastic balls by a neighborhood Little Free Library. The hosts improvise their way through the post's many oddities, bringing in local neighbor (and poster) Ellen Smellin to discuss her theories—most notably, her conviction that the balls are "trafficked Ozempic," a prescription obesity drug turned supposed underground party craze. The episode careens through tangents about neighborhood dynamics, body image, fish eggs, childhood trauma, and more, all in the podcast’s signature whimsical and unfiltered style.

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Major Discussion Points & Insights

1. Plastic Balls Mystery Introduced (30:46 – 34:00)

• The Original Post:
  A concerned neighbor (Ellen) warns of a teen, “skinny male teen wearing a purple beanie… leaving a bottle of these plastic balls beside a free library two days in a row.” The bottle is described as labeled “Simply Organic” and filled with pastel/jewel-toned plastic spheres.

  • Quote: "These are hazardous to kids who may take it. If you are a parent, please ask him to stop leaving them at the lfl [Little Free Library]." (31:11)

• Joan and Burnt puzzle over the color, size, and nature of the balls, with references to 80s Miami Vice aesthetics and children’s toy hazards.

2. Introducing Ellen Smellin: Theory Generator (34:10 – 48:18)

• Meet Ellen: She immediately distances herself from her own playful name.

  • Quote: “Thanks. I didn’t… I’m not a fun person, so it doesn’t really fit.” (32:38)

• Her Theory: The balls are a new form of trafficked Ozempic, wrapped in candy colors to lure teens.

  • “I think Ozempic’s the new party drug. … They’re leaving them in all fun colors, like those Clorox bleach balls or something?” (33:44)
  • Cites “military time” for the drop-off windows, attributing her precise observation to her veteran status (delivering Army mail in Kansas, shot at—notably by her husband).

• Other Notable Theories and Tangents:

  • Strong suspicion of today's teens: “All the teens are getting so skinny. … I think their buttholes are too tiny to have a full [container], so now it’s little balls.” (35:05)
  • Distrust in societal trends, various cultural references to teen behavior myths (rainbow parties, bracelets, Go Ask Alice, looksmaxing, “mewing”), all woven into her view of a suspicious, dangerous youth culture.

3. The Bottle Watch Debate & Interrogation (48:18 – 54:55)

• Host Skepticism: The hosts question the logic of Ellen’s “trafficking in the open” theory and note that her details about the bottle’s disappearance or depletion are hazy.

  • “You seem hazy on these details.” (49:04)

• Ellen Doubles Down: She insists that teens operate on the “honor system” when snorting Ozempic balls, and becomes defensive under gentle cross-examination, vacillating between attack and tears.

4. Ellen’s Personal Revelations and Body Image Tangents (54:55 – 66:51)

• Deep Dive into Ellen’s Psyche:

  • Admits to being “attracted to some” of the skinny teens (“I’m not proud of that, but we have to speak the truth…” 44:18)
  • Relates her past trauma: Shot in the buttock by her ex-husband (now roommate), resulting in physical injury—her vaginal canal “collapsed” in a structural metaphor of her reproductive system.
  • Ellen reveals she is a virgin as a result of her accident, and is emotionally vulnerable about feeling left out of “this universal human experience.” (53:36)
  • She suspects she has “vocal progeria”—her voice will “evaporate” by 45 (65:04). The medical explanations become outlandish and circular.

• Moral Stance:

  • Harshly critical of people who use weight loss drugs or birth control as “cheaters.” (51:21)
  • Judges people for “cheating out of it” but not for being “fat” (57:32).

• Hosts’ Attempts at Empathy: Joan and Burnt question Ellen’s judgmental stances, try to reframe “fat” with more positive language, and express concern for her well-being. (Summed up as, “Go get therapy. And then…” 67:38)

5. The Mysterious Plastic Balls: Final Guesses (66:51 – 78:14)

• Doug’s Perspective: He suggests the balls look like fish eggs or possibly “sea bunny” eggs (native aquatic species). Ellen disputes their size, and the conversation devolves into a tangent about local aquatic fauna and slang (“caked up” = “well endowed in the ass area” 66:12).

• Host Consensus: By the end, Joan feels the balls are simply “Orbeez” (those expandable water beads/toys), not trafficked drugs. (78:08)

  • Quote: “Do you know what those balls look like? They look like orbs… a toy... supposed to be a children’s toy. It’s a terrible idea.” (78:08)

• The Photo of the ‘Teen’:

  • The “cryptid-like” person in the photo is discussed as deeply unsettling (“the headline is, this is a creature” 78:50); there's debate about whether they wear a hat or have purple hair.

6. Mailman Tangents & Neighborhood Lore (04:09 – 29:20)

• Mail Mishaps: Early in the episode, Burnt recounts hostile run-ins with his mailman Lucian, who aggressively polices "federal offenses" in mail delivery (07:01). Ellen later reveals her own mishaps as a military mail carrier, conflates Army and Navy service in landlocked Kansas, and offers wild explanations about sub-land oceans and dolphins.
• The Town’s Odd Critters: Extended riffing on local aquatic species, including the “furry lobster” and “upright frogs.”
• Community Slogans and Calendar Trivia: Ellen’s decision to retire to Dignity Falls based on a scene in a wall calendar. Hosts recall a marketing slogan: “What’s so great about Dignity Falls? Why don’t you come and find it?” (43:05)

7. Second Neighborhood Post: “Health Coyote” (82:15 – 86:35)

• The Post: A “beautiful health coyote” is seen running down Beechwood Avenue.
• Discussion: The phrase “health coyote” sparks a riff about whether the coyote is exceptionally fit or typo-ridden, with further tangents to St. Bernard dogs, whiskey barrels, and Victorian body norms.
  • Quote: “We had some jacked coyotes running around, and I wonder if that’s what she meant…” (84:43)
  • Doug researches and debunks the popular myth about St. Bernards carrying whiskey barrels. (85:02)

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Notable Quotes & Moments

Ellen’s Unforgettable Pronouncements

• “I always have a point. You never see my points coming.” (38:05, Ellen)
• “I have physical problems.” (67:48, Ellen)
• "There was a 911 in my reproductive system." (54:35, Ellen)
• “When he shot me, I was like, ah, wiggling around.” (55:28, Ellen)
• “I’ve been trying to online date... People, they don’t respond well to my voice.” (63:02, Ellen)

Hosts’ Classic Banter

• “Did you never… Have you ever acted opposite someone in a robot costume?” (80:18, Burnt)
• “We’re fighting for our lives here.” (52:38, Burnt)
• “If it upset you, grow up.” (86:45, Burnt)
• “I think trauma is eating you for breakfast.” (68:03, Joan)
• "I'm glad I'm not someone who shot at somebody and deflated their cheek." (70:53, Joan)

Doug’s Observations

• “That person’s caked up.” (65:54, Doug)
• “I think those might be sea bunnies.” (66:15, Doug)
• “Saint Bernards did not historically carry barrels of brandy.” (85:30, Doug)

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Important Timestamps

• 00:53 – 14:32: Opening tangents about mailmen, neighborhood oddities, and community water holes.
• 30:46 – 34:00: Main post is introduced; plastic balls mystery begins.
• 34:10 – 48:18: Ellen smashes into the podcast; trafficked Ozempic theory unfolds.
• 54:55 – 66:51: The episode’s wildest section—Ellen’s trauma/medical backstory, sexual revelations, and arguments over body/beauty standards.
• 66:51 – 78:14: Attempted resolution to the balls mystery; Doug’s interjections, cryptid photo analyzed; Ellen’s voice “ages.”
• 82:15 – 86:35: Health coyote post; St. Bernard myth-busting.
• 86:35 – End: Wrap-up, meta-commentary on the episode’s chaos, behind-the-scenes actor talk.

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Episode Tone & Style

The hosts maintain a warm, bantering, improvisational style, never shying away from absurdity, uncomfortable revelations, or deep neighborhood weirdness. The guest, Ellen, oscillates between deadpan seriousness and extreme vulnerability, fueling both comedic outbursts and genuine moments of empathy and concern. The show’s commitment to amplifying odd local voices is on full display, leading to an episode that blurs the line between neighborly concern and surreal character-study.

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Summary for New Listeners

If you’re just tuning in, this episode is a riotous, sometimes shocking, always improvisational journey into the strange dramas of suburban life—where a bottle of “plastic balls” can be both a public health concern and a gateway to a resident’s lifetime of emotional and physical baggage. The hosts’ probing but playful approach gives equal airtime to wild theories and gentle (if sometimes exasperated) compassion. You’ll leave with no firm answers about the balls, but plenty of laughs and a renewed appreciation for the eccentricities lurking just around your block.

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Transcript

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins.

[Nicole Parker]

And I'm Nicole Parker.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website.

[Nicole Parker]

Occasionally, we change the names of some

[Paul F. Tompkins]

streets, and that's all you need to know. To support the show and unlock the ad free archive, as well as exclusive monthly episodes of the bonus room, go to cbbworld.com and sign up for a Maximus membership.

[Nicole Parker]

And now, please enjoy this episode of the Neighborhood Listen.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Knock, knock.

[Nicole Parker]

Who's there?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Your neighbor.

[Nicole Parker]

Good. In Dignity Fall, you're never alone. You've got the neighbor half AV and us, Vern and Joan. From coyotes to male theft to weird things to sell.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We'll cover it all and meet new neighbors as well.

[Nicole Parker]

We'll chat about any posts you're missing, so just tune in to the Neighborhood Listen.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Welcome to the Neighbor Listen. This is the podcast that explores the neighborhood of Dignity Falls through the eyes of its many residents, two of whom are are your humble hosts. I'm one of those. My name is Berndt Miyapede. I am the pharmacist in chief at the Dignity Falls. Dignity fallsmassy Pharmacy.

[Nicole Parker]

I still think that's too long, but I am Joan Pedestrian. I am the top realtor here in Dignity Falls and the top local actress. And we had to delay the start of this recording because Bern had to point out something in my teeth. And I said to him, this is not a visual medium.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is it better? Well, I have to look at you.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, my goodness, babe, why are you laughing at that?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wouldn't you. Would you rather not know?

[Nicole Parker]

It's an age old question, right? I think it's answered.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think the answer is, you want to know.

[Nicole Parker]

For me, it is. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I don't want to know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What are the times you don't want to know?

[Nicole Parker]

When I'm happy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

When you're happy.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm enjoying myself and having a good time. Don't. Don't ruin it. You know, let me just look in the mirror later and go, oh, well,

[Ellen Smellin]

has a.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can you think of it instance when.

[Nicole Parker]

That's why I don't like it. Here's why I don't like it. Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

It's the same thing when people like you got burnt. Oh, I shouldn't say burned too. You got burned? Like when people didn't put enough sunscreen on and they say it like a judgment, like, oh, you got burned.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, that's too late, of course. I mean.

[Nicole Parker]

You know what I mean?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's not helpful.

[Nicole Parker]

It feels judgmental it's like, well, okay, I have something in my tooth. You have, you have something on your face.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It do.

[Nicole Parker]

I know. You don't. But I would tell you because you're the kind of person wants to know that. I just feel like it's.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Judgmental person.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. I think there's two kinds of people on this planet. The people who have to tell you there's something in their teeth, and the people who are like, they'll be okay. Is there a way they're enjoying themselves. I'm not going to ruin their day.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is an interesting, interesting perspective. Is there a way to say it that you would feel not judged?

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. Is if you would, like, just maybe

[Doug]

tell me if you learn.

[Nicole Parker]

That's my husband, of course, with his sarcastic husband comment. Hi, babe. How you doing?

[Doug]

Hi. Hi, babe.

[Nicole Parker]

He's. Oh, he's.

[Doug]

I love this subject.

[Nicole Parker]

You love this subject of how to men not make me angry. I've entered perimenopause, which, of course, I'm rebranding as feminine overdrive. We have found that, that there are certain things I will tolerate and certain things, Certain things I will not, especially even afterwards, because they don't come out of my mouth the same way anymore. And that's one of them. That's one of them, I think.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, so is there a way that I could say it where you would not take it as a judgment? Like a tone I could use?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, you could be like, oh, I think say quietly, like, pull me aside. Don't say it in front of everybody. You know what I mean?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I didn't say it in front of anybody but you.

[Nicole Parker]

We did. The mailman came and I was chatting with him, and you said it in front of him, and I was really upsetting. I was like, we gotta start recording. And then he was like, bye. And you were like, joan, you got something in your teeth. Maybe if you had said it differently, but you were like, joan, you have something in your teeth.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, why are you answering the door for the mailman?

[Nicole Parker]

We're friends. You're not friends with your mailman.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, my God. No. We're bitter enemies.

[Nicole Parker]

No kidding.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know what happened?

[Nicole Parker]

No, I, I, I love, I love Janice. Janice delivered jalape.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, Janice is great. Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

That was my mailman, delivered my, My first child. Yeah.

[Doug]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

So, I mean, we're, we're just, you know, thick thieves since then, sure. Why don't you like your mailman? What's the deal with him or her?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Very progressive.

[Nicole Parker]

It's just, I'm not trying to. I'm not. I. I don't want to be accused of virtue signaling. Signaling.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We do not. Virtue signal on this podcast. His name is Lucian. And.

[Nicole Parker]

And it's a bad start.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

One time, One time, he accidentally included a. It was not even important mail. It was just clearly junk mail.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But it was for our neighbors, the sh.

[Nicole Parker]

The sures.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. S, H, U, R, Z.

[Nicole Parker]

Uh huh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I, after he left, I got the mail just after he delivered it. So he's moving on down the road.

[Nicole Parker]

See, just like the Wiz.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. And I saw. So I'm, I'm. I. I'm going through the mail immediately and I see that I got something for the shs. And so I just, you know, walked outside and then dropped it in their mailbox.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This guy, he saw me. He watched me do the whole thing.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, oh, okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then he walked up to me and he got real quiet and he said, what do you think you're doing? And I said, well, you. We accidentally got something for the sures.

[Nicole Parker]

Can I stop you really quick? Why do you keep on saying it that way?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's how they said.

[Nicole Parker]

Do they require it? How do you know the sures, baby?

[Doug]

That's close.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, that is pretty close. Yeah, yeah, you get the hang of it eventually.

[Nicole Parker]

Why. Why are they like this? And why do we indulge them?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's the. That's the correct.

[Nicole Parker]

Another thing I'm not doing now. I'm not indulging people. Your name is Schurz. I'm gonna say however you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why should I have to press one for English Jones?

[Nicole Parker]

You see, I know now you're putting words in my mouth.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a slippery slope.

[Nicole Parker]

I also will not let anyone put words in my mouth or anywhere else.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That is the correct pronunciation of their name.

[Nicole Parker]

It is, yes. Oh, okay. I've never heard it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know its origin.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, all right, great. You can't use it in a sentence. Fine. So keep going. So he looks at you and he's like, what do you think you're doing?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Ellen Smellin]

Barney.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Barney shop.

[Nicole Parker]

All right. I can't. It's starting to do something to me that makes me feel like I'm going to have like, like a, like a stroke. So I just don't want to hear it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Don't do that.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, so just, Just try to tell the story without saying that anymore.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So after I deliver the mail, he gets. He, he gets up to me real close and real quiet, and he says,

[Nicole Parker]

the fuck do you think you're oh, it's a change. At first he said, what do you think you're doing? And then he added that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, he said both.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, he said both. Okay. That's a swear word. But it didn't come from me, so it's allowed.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He said, what do you think you're doing? I took a breath to tell him. He said, what the fuck do you think?

[Ellen Smellin]

Wow.

[Nicole Parker]

He didn even let you get out a word?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No. And I said, well, we got some mail for the sh. And so I was just delivering it to their house. And he goes, it's the mail. Oh, that's a felony. What you've done is a federal offense, and I'll let you go this time.

[Ellen Smellin]

How is that possible?

[Nicole Parker]

Because you were bringing them their mail, not taking their mail away.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

His position is that the fact that I handled their mail at all, He's. He told me what you should have done was flagged me down. I would have taken it from you and delivered it to the proper.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, you fixed his problem. He's the one who made the mistake, John.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is what I said.

[Nicole Parker]

And what did he say?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He said, stay in your lane.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, okay, I can understand that. I can understand why.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Then he got a bunch of tippy toes.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, it's not over.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And he said, I could be this tall if I want to.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, no. Oh, now that just makes me sad. That makes me sad for him if I want to. Oh, dear.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I said, okay, noted. And now ever since.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Just. He's been nothing.

[Nicole Parker]

He's just waiting for you to slip up again. He's waiting for you to do something to make him angry.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, it's an exhausting relationship.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's every day. If. If ever I see him, he says, delivered any mail? Then he gets up on his tippy toes and says, never forget.

[Nicole Parker]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Never forget what? The threat that he could be.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If he wants to be. He could be that tall.

[Doug]

Was it kind of like a pirouette? Like, was it or.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, he wasn't on.

[Nicole Parker]

He didn't spin. What do you. What do you mean? That's what it's called.

[Doug]

On his toes. Like, really.

[Nicole Parker]

It's a French term.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What's on point?

[Nicole Parker]

That's also French, but that means when you're. That when you're actually on. On ballet slippers. On point slippers. But if you just use your feet and you press with the ball of your foot, too. I'm showing him with my hand, and he doesn't like it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Don't do that.

[Ellen Smellin]

Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, do you Want me to show you with my foot? Okay, here's my foot.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, no, no.

[Nicole Parker]

Here's my foot.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to one.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

One shouldn't do that.

[Nicole Parker]

No. Well, lots of people do it. Dancers do it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Don't do it.

[Nicole Parker]

When you. Everyone does it. When you reach for something and you go up, right. When you just push into your. The balls of your feet, guess what? You're on holiday. That is what you are doing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, so he's on releve. He's not on point, which is when you're actually on your toes.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. Or correct in what you're saying.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, I understand the other meaning.

[Nicole Parker]

So, yes, it really means that you have to be on ballet point. Shoes. Unless there's some ballerinas out here who are going to come for me, can

[Paul F. Tompkins]

you do it without shoes on?

[Nicole Parker]

Some people can. It's crazy. Some people can.

[Ellen Smellin]

If you.

[Nicole Parker]

Kate Winslet can. She does it in Titanic.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Weird thing where.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. She does that.

[Nicole Parker]

She does. And all the third class passengers are like, hurrah. Oh, that's a fine lass.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I love the ballet. She's a God pastor.

[Nicole Parker]

There's some Italians in there. They cover the bases.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. They did everything from Irish to Italian

[Nicole Parker]

to rich, closeted gaze. So. Babe, you're incorrect. Oh. Oh, babe. That terrified me.

[Doug]

Doug.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's Doug, our engineer, Joan's husband. He's in another room. How did he know it was me recording the show? Babe, what is that? It sounds very, very watery.

[Nicole Parker]

What is going on? He always records in a different room. So what room are you in?

[Doug]

I'm in the. The Aquatic Center.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The Aquatic.

[Nicole Parker]

It's like rolling thunder. So what is this?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, you don't hear the liquid aspect of it?

[Nicole Parker]

I don't.

[Doug]

I only hear there's a liquid aspect.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm still. My heart rate is. What'd you say, babe?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He agreed that there's a liquid aspect.

[Doug]

It's an aquarium, but it's kind of a biodome concept.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, it sounds like it's breaking.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's an aquarium, but it's a biodome concept.

[Nicole Parker]

So please explain that a little bit. Babe, are you. So you built basically an aquarium that you are in, or is this like the thing where you do, like, a shark encounter at an aquarium where you go on a moving, you know, sort of way, and then you're under a tunnel, a glass tunnel of. Is that what it is? Because he loves stuff.

[Doug]

Yeah. So the whole thing is kind of a big globe, and there's you say globe.

[Nicole Parker]

Is it a globe or is it a tunnel?

[Doug]

There's a tunnel through the globe.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, and in the globe is what?

[Doug]

Water? Sea life.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. Can you name the sea life? Is this legal? What are we doing?

[Doug]

Yeah, I'm. I'm going around town collecting eggs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Collecting eggs.

[Nicole Parker]

Collecting eggs. Sorry, Fish eggs, Frogs. First of all, we have a hatchery already where you collected a lot of eggs. And. And that was. That became a mess. Do you not remember your hatchery, babe?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You don't remember that, Doug? Don't tell me you. You can't remember the hatchery.

[Doug]

Oh, yeah, I do remember the hatchery, but that was more. Those were more land eggs.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, but what. Okay, are you. Do you mean you're collecting fish eggs?

[Doug]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

How. That's very difficult.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Great question.

[Nicole Parker]

Thank you.

[Doug]

Well, you go. I mean, there's very little water now in town.

[Nicole Parker]

We have no water in town. So this is why I'm also wondering,

[Paul F. Tompkins]

a water baron now.

[Doug]

Yeah, there's a couple little water holes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Literally holes of water.

[Nicole Parker]

They're just holes of water, basically. What? You know, I mean, I think some people just actually spit in them. So I'm not sure that that's actual water.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, because there was that 23andMe push where they said, let's find out where everybody's from, and everybody just spit in the same hole. I was like, I don't think that's. That's. You're gonna be everything.

[Nicole Parker]

But then they realize that, you know, they might be stealing your. Your information. And so now people are creating their own holes to spin. It's like, you can't have it. The ground can. And that. It was a protest.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. I remember those signs.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Give it to the ground.

[Nicole Parker]

DNA bliss. I didn't know what that one meant. So.

[Doug]

There's signs of life in there. I found a snail.

[Nicole Parker]

You found a snail?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Snails are alive.

[Nicole Parker]

Snails don't live in a biodome of water, babe.

[Doug]

Snails live in water.

[Nicole Parker]

They can, but it depends on what kind of snails. Did you find a garden snail or, like, a mollusk?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did you find one of those ones that's just on the side of an aquarium? Yeah, like that kind.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, where they just stay there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

What's the point of those?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I.

[Nicole Parker]

They're gross.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They're. So. Who wants one in an aquarium?

[Nicole Parker]

I know. Who wants just a wet mouth staring at them? I'm sure they serve some, especially in a dentist's office. Why, man, is.

[Doug]

They had something.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I actually makes sense to have a wet mouth in the dentist's office.

[Nicole Parker]

I guess it does.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Of all places.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, fine, I'll give you that one. But babe. What? What?

[Doug]

At the supermarket they sell fish eggs. There's like roe, but those are caviar. Caviar?

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. Roe or caviar?

[Doug]

Yeah. That's too pricey for me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What's the difference between roe and caviar?

[Nicole Parker]

I wish I knew. Now this is not an on point releve situation for me. I'm not aware. I'm out of. I'm out of my depth. Is. Is one. Is one before it's harvested where they're still viable? And is one edible? I don't know. I don't like the idea of fish eggs. I think it's horrid. I think it's horrible.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't even like the term. Fish egg is disgusting to me.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, it is disgusting. And the idea that it's a delicacy and I don't want to yuck anyone's yum. We don't do that here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No.

[Nicole Parker]

So I appreciate that. Culturally, that is wonderful for some people. It's not for me. We talked about this just recently. You know, Tom Hanks did like it in big. He spit it out.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, he did. And then he ate the tiny corn.

[Nicole Parker]

He said, can I get a milkshake or something? And he wiped his tongue with a napkin. That's what a 12 year old boy

[Paul F. Tompkins]

would say to watch the taste.

[Doug]

All caviar is roe, but not all roe is caviar.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, one of these is it?

[Nicole Parker]

That's a riddle.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, I hate these.

[Doug]

You find yourself in a locked room.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What is it?

[Doug]

Pockets is what caviar refers specifically to. Salt cured eggs from the sturgeon family.

[Nicole Parker]

See, But I think that means prepared and ready to eat. Right? Pret. A manger.

[Doug]

You can eat roe.

[Nicole Parker]

You can. Yeah, Well, I guess you could. Sure. That's how people live.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Rocky Balboa. I'm going to eat a glass of fish eggs.

[Nicole Parker]

That would have been something. That's what they supposed to do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I would have been. So, yeah, if he cracked, I had

[Nicole Parker]

three points and I forgot all of them.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. Let me just say that fish, overall,

[Nicole Parker]

they're pretty gross, I guess. Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All the things connected to them, connected to them.

[Nicole Parker]

Gutting a fish. You know, Doug grew up doing that. He loves it. It's not for me, of course. The boys loved it. He loves. Some people enjoy it. He took the boys out, started them fishing. The boys harvested spider eggs. That's what they would eat.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They would eat spider eggs.

[Doug]

I don't like that.

[Nicole Parker]

I think they were just eating Whoppers and telling me they were spider eggs. They would get that. They would scrape the sesame seeds. They would scrape the chocolate off, and it would kind of look like an egg.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, so you didn't really. Burger King Whoppers.

[Nicole Parker]

Wait, what?

[Doug]

I thought you meant Burger King Whoppers.

[Nicole Parker]

No, babe, they were calling those.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They were calling those spider eggs.

[Doug]

Well, the boys sometimes take big swings, Boy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's true. Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

We're talking, of course, about my twin boys, Matt and Ch.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Ch. Ch. Charles.

[Nicole Parker]

Charles. Well, you know what? When I gave breads. Everyone knows I had twins. One came out. When I gave birth, as everyone knows, to my boys, I thought it was just a boy. And. And Matt came out first, and an entire 24 hours later, I was like, something's wrong.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

And they put me. They gave me an epidural, which sometimes can make you. If you don't know, it can make you shiver. Right. And so they said, what do you want to name him? But I'm telling you, it was really hard. So I'm surprised there were only that many cha cha chas in it because I was really. I was shaking all over the place. Very, very chilly.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Maybe they just headed you off at the pass. They're like.

[Nicole Parker]

I think probably did you.

[Ellen Smellin]

You got.

[Nicole Parker]

Who went for Charles? So. Yeah. I'm sorry, bae, you were talking about your. How you love gutting a fish.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You love it.

[Doug]

I love it. It connects you to nature.

[Nicole Parker]

That's what he always said.

[Doug]

Yeah. You can really pretend, you know, you're like a hominid.

[Nicole Parker]

He loves to pretend he's a hominid.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So you don't use a knife.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, babe.

[Doug]

You can use a sharp rock.

[Nicole Parker]

There you go.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There you go.

[Doug]

You kind of take a rock and you hit it against another rock form a blade. I. I rarely ever do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Time consuming.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, it was, you know, back in the day, of course, you know, we. We lived like animals. But speaking of animals, can you explain more what the animals in this biodome aquarium are going to be?

[Doug]

Well, you know that there's, you know, there's a preservation sort of research project in town to preserve some of the unique species we had.

[Nicole Parker]

We do have dignity.

[Doug]

Lake.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Doug]

There's, like, the furry lobsters.

[Nicole Parker]

We have furry lobsters. They are. They're not good to eat. They're not good to eat. They're furry on the inside.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They look normal on the outside.

[Doug]

Yeah, they do have.

[Nicole Parker]

First on the inside, there is sort

[Doug]

of a goatee on them. Yeah, Otherwise not.

[Nicole Parker]

They're kind of. That's why they're kind of like the mascot of the town. We sell bumper stickers and magnets and everything. With the lobster with a little goatee.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. People started putting Walter white hats on them,

[Doug]

So, you know, I'm trying to do my part.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's very normal, though.

[Doug]

Collect all the different, you know, unique species.

[Nicole Parker]

Mm.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Doug]

Have a beautiful biodome.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm glad to hear this because I thought for a second you were trying to recreate Fathom, the underwater city from Bioshock, the video game.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, that's right. I forget you're such a gamer. I do not know video game.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're such a gamer.

[Ellen Smellin]

You are.

[Nicole Parker]

You love it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And it's just that I reference, you know. You know, one game from 20 years ago and one game from five years ago. I'm such a gamer.

[Nicole Parker]

You've mentioned it a little more than that, Berndt. I do. You've talked about Red Dead Redemption multiple times.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's the one from a few years ago.

[Nicole Parker]

And when we talked about Portal, we talked about that one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's true. We did talk about Portal. I don't know if I had a lot of portal knowledge.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Doug]

Joan really takes notes of all the video games.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, I list.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What?

[Nicole Parker]

No, I listen to the episodes. You guys never. You. You never do. Burnt. I listen to you constantly.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I will never listen to them because

[Nicole Parker]

I'm just trying to always do. I'm. I'm trying to get better every time. Maybe that's just because I'm an actor.

[Doug]

Not sure where you find them. Like, how do you listen to this show?

[Nicole Parker]

What do you mean, Babe, it's available where you get all podcasts.

[Doug]

Where is that?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You never.

[Nicole Parker]

You can use it in many. You can find.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Never done a cursory search to find out where A podcast search. Search on your phone, babe.

[Ellen Smellin]

Your phone.

[Doug]

It's a phone thing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You wouldn't understand. Clearly.

[Nicole Parker]

Still have no answer as to what. So what, you're trying to revive the furry lobster. You're bringing the furry lobster into our home?

[Doug]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They're a very upright frog.

[Nicole Parker]

The upright frog.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't like those guys.

[Nicole Parker]

He's. But, well, the people liked it because, you know, he was like, beside. He wasn't singing, but he does stand upright.

[Doug]

There wasn't just one.

[Nicole Parker]

There was not just one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They walked like Grogu.

[Doug]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

I feel like I've never seen Grogu walk.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You've never seen Grogu walk?

[Nicole Parker]

He's always in that floating thing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, every Once in a while he walks. It's adorable.

[Nicole Parker]

How does. How does he walk?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I'll show you.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. Thank you. He's getting up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What? He does.

[Nicole Parker]

Show me. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Grogu. He has to walk by angling his whole body with the foot that he is using.

[Nicole Parker]

So kind of like he's a cowboy in an old fashioned standoff.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Not unlike that.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. Okay. Like when Kermit would do it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Okay, so he walks like this.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, exactly. He's just swiveling his body back and forth.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

That's very adorable.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And it's. It's. It's crude. But effective.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. And hilarious when you see a bunch of frogs do it a bunch.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't like it, though. It looks like they're making fun of us.

[Nicole Parker]

Can we discuss Gabby?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Gabby is home.

[Nicole Parker]

Good.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I have wonderful news.

[Nicole Parker]

Great.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The incident, part two has been successfully averted.

[Nicole Parker]

Is it officially being called that?

[Ellen Smellin]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

And are we never allowed to talk about this one either? I don't know anything about the second one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, I know a little about the first one.

[Nicole Parker]

Is that what they're saying now? It didn't happen.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The second one didn't happen. That's why he successfully averted it.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, yes, I see.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The first one did happen. It's not that we're not allowed to talk about it. People just don't.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. I've always felt like we're not allowed to talk about it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, it's very unpleasant.

[Nicole Parker]

I feel like someday we're going to have to address it on this podcast because just to keep talking about it, everyone's just going to wonder or they'll stop.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I can imagine people are interested. But yes, there are going to be some. Some repercussions, some minor repercussions that are not going to affect people day to day. But there will be some things that happen sometimes.

[Doug]

Repercussions from the averting process.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, that's what I took it to mean, babe.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

So what are those gonna be?

[Ellen Smellin]

Oh, no. What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sometimes.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, tell me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sometimes things will taste weird.

[Nicole Parker]

What? Oh, no. Like what?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Just stuff you don't even like that much anyway.

[Nicole Parker]

How do you know? What is it? I like a lot of things.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Raw carrots.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, those are one of my favorites.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You might like them better.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, oh, oh. They're gonna taste better.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

In my mind, anything would be an improvement.

[Nicole Parker]

I didn't realize you hated carrots so much.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who? What's the point?

[Nicole Parker]

Don't say who. I do. I love them. I love them. Escrow loves them.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, just eat one. Like Bugs Bunny.

[Nicole Parker]

Absolutely. It's fun. How many times do you bite into something that makes a great sound that's from the ground?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Four or five times a day. Oh, from the ground.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. Okay. Not processed. Exactly. Exactly. Thank you.

[Doug]

Onion.

[Nicole Parker]

Onion makes a pretty good chimes in with onion, babe. I'm still very concerned about the construction of this.

[Doug]

You sound like the Sures.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, no. How long have we been talking? Speaking of which.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Doug]

Are you out of the water?

[Nicole Parker]

You're in the water right now. I'm so.

[Doug]

Well, I got to dive a little bit.

[Nicole Parker]

Your recording equipment is underwater?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

I love how he says it just so normally. How do you sound like you're not underwater?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, just Saran Wrap.

[Doug]

Well, my head's above water now.

[Nicole Parker]

Certainly going to be. Water's going to find a way in somehow.

[Doug]

22 minutes.

[Nicole Parker]

That's perfect. Always. It is crazy how it's always exactly that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, yeah.

[Ellen Smellin]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you think that's how long it takes for us to stop?

[Nicole Parker]

Just run out of anything?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Irritated listening to each other

[Nicole Parker]

when we cannot bear to hear each other's voices

[Paul F. Tompkins]

begging to hear somebody else.

[Nicole Parker]

Please make it stop.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We'll be back with more Neighbor Listen when the Neighbor Listen returns.

[Nicole Parker]

Hi, everybody. It's Nicole and Paul. Are you here?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I am here.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, great.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I have a question for you, Nicole.

[Nicole Parker]

What is it?

[Doug]

Number two.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, okay. Brett.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No one was doubting that.

[Nicole Parker]

We'll go around the room. Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

First, I would like to talk about Summer. Is that okay?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. But I have a question for you that's related.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, great. Good.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What does Summer always make you rethink?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, okay. It always makes me rethink what I'm reaching for every day. Meaning? In my clothing. Lighter fabrics, better materials. Pieces that just feel good in the moment. You put them on and look effortless. And that's why I keep going back to quints, because they both was my second question. Oh, right. Okay. Go ahead, Ask. Ask Brett the second question.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, my second question for you was, is that why you keep coming back to quints?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh. And yes, it is.

[Doug]

Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

Because they focus on high quality essentials. Essentials.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I'm hungry now.

[Nicole Parker]

I love an essential.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let's get through this ad, then we can all have some essentials.

[Nicole Parker]

Essentials for the table.

[Doug]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, great.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Today. And we'll get essentials for the team.

[Nicole Parker]

We'll get essentials for the team.

[Doug]

I like combining all the essentials together.

[Nicole Parker]

So do I.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Me too. An essential suicide. Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

And I also love breathable Linen, soft, organic cotton, washable silk. But without the luxury markup. It is that rare balance where everything feels elevated but still easy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And here's the thing. Quince has beautiful everyday pieces like 100% European linen pants, dresses and tops with style starting at $32. That's low for clothes.

[Nicole Parker]

It's low for clothes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Their denim is soft and easy to wear. And their organic cotton sweaters are perfect for layering on cool summer nights. Everything on quints is priced 50 to 80% less than similar brand. That sounds good.

[Nicole Parker]

It does.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And Quince works directly with ethical factories and cuts out the middlemen, the most despised class of man. So you're paying for quality, not brand markup.

[Nicole Parker]

And it's not just clothing. Paul Quince has really become a destination for elevated essentials across home, kitchen, bedding and beyond, making it easy to bring a more premium feel into everyday life.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now let me tell you something, please. I went to Quint's recently because I'm going out on tour. I'm talking to you too.

[Nicole Parker]

He almost. He called you Doug.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He almost called you. I almost. That was a close one. Yeah, because we're sitting in the same position.

[Ellen Smellin]

We sure are.

[Nicole Parker]

We sure are. They found us out.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So I'm going on a tour. Brett and I are going out together. On tour. On tour and not steady. And I went to quints and got myself a casual linen suit to wear for travel.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, cool.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So I can look stylish.

[Nicole Parker]

You know what? I always admire people who are attempted. They made an attempt to look stylish for travel.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know who else likes it is flight attendants.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, yeah. That makes compliment. Well, thanks to Quince, you're going to get a compliment.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thanks, Quince.

[Nicole Parker]

Thanks, Quince. Elevate your summer wardrobe. Go to quints. Oh, wait, hang on. Doug, Brett, what did you want to say?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Doug? Brett.

[Doug]

What did I want to say?

[Nicole Parker]

Well, we interrupted you.

[Doug]

I actually didn't say anything. But I will say that they have rugs. They have great rugs.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, everybody. They have great rugs.

[Doug]

Yeah, I got a. I got like a white button down shirt recently from Coincidence.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

As a rug.

[Doug]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're a strange guy.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, here, you can just throw it in the wash. Here's the deal.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Anything can be a rug.

[Nicole Parker]

Everything that they make can be used as many different things. So elevate your summer wardrobe. Go to quince.comt l for free shipping on your order. And 365 day returns now available in Canada too. You guys, congrats. Q-U-I-N-C-E.comt l for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.comt n l hi, I'm Beck Bennett.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I thought I was Beck Bennett. No, no, no, no, it's okay. I'm Kyle Mooney. Yeah, sorry about that. Exactly. No, all good. All good. Thanks, buddy. Yeah. And we host the show what's our podcast here on Headgum. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and make you look like a kick ass person online. Like you're skateboarding through the Internet or you're like you're surfing through the web. Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place. I like that it's all in one place. I don't. I like that I don't have to go around, you know, like different stores or something. It's just all, well, it's like, oh, do I need to go to like a. Do I need another type of website to like, find the right pictures or to like another type of website to upload? You know, it's all in one place. The video or the audio or like.

[Doug]

No, I want.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It makes it easy. Make it easy on me, please. Yes. And you can do all those things. Photos, videos, changing fonts, you know, I mean, the designs are amazing. They're catering to all your different needs. They're SEO tools, which. I know what those are, their custom domains. Oh, let's come up with a domain right now. Let's. I wonder if it exists. Www.friends meeting friends. Friends meeting friends.com. that's an original thing that we came up with. Friends meeting friends. Anyway, so check out squarespace.com headgum for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code headgum. Save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell, sounds easy. Anybody could do it.

[Nicole Parker]

Wherever you go, whatever they get into, from chill time to everyday adventures, protect your dog from parasites with Cridelio Quattro. For full safety information, side effects and warnings, visit cordelioquatrolabel.com consult your vet or call 1-888-545-5973. Ask your vet for Cordelia Quattro and visit quattrodog.com. hey everybody, this is Ari.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Bag.

[Nicole Parker]

$3 like new.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Just look at it.

[Nicole Parker]

Almost looks like it's smiling at you. Almost looks like a pair of underwear sitting on the ground. I made sure to Put it on the most busy background I have in my home so it would stand out. Come get this bag. $3 like new.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Welcome back to the neighborhood list. And Joan, we have a guest. As we do every week, we scour the neighborhap, the social networking application for neighborhoods, and we look for interesting neighbors to talk to, people that have a story to tell, people that want some answers and everything in between.

[Nicole Parker]

That's right. Well done.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you. And this week is no different. We have a post sent in from a listener. Thank you. If you see a post that you think we should talk about, why don't you screenshot it, send it to us.

[Nicole Parker]

You okay?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, I am.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I was trying to sound casual. Thank you to Carrie Gallo listener Kerry Gallo, for alerting us to this one. This is a post in the crime and safety section. It is attributed merely to neighbor.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sometimes people go anon on the neighborhood neighbor rights. A skinny male teen wearing a purple beanie of sort and black trousers has been leaving a bottle of these plastic balls beside a free library two days in a row. Sunday around 15:45 and Monday around 12:10. These are hazardous to kids who may take it. If you are a parent of this person, please ask him to stop leaving them at the lfl.

[Nicole Parker]

At the where?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The lfl. Little Free Library.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, got it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And in the photo, there is a. It's a. It's a plastic bottle. Simply organic. Do you see that on the label?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then there's. There are these weird multicolored little plastic balls.

[Nicole Parker]

They.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They. They sort of run in the. In the spectrum, like a. A sort of, you know, sort of almost pasteli. Miami Vice sort of spectrum.

[Nicole Parker]

Kind of jewel. Tony. Yeah, yeah. Blues and pinks.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Turquoise. I see in there.

[Nicole Parker]

I feel like I've seen them before. But I want to get to our guest and see what. What they tell us.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. And then there's a photo of what I think is a human being.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, my goodness. Whoa.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But it's sort of. There is this sort of cryptid. Yeah, Cryptid. Almost looks like the person's trying to look like the bottle in the photo. So.

[Nicole Parker]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're happy to welcome this neighbor to the neighborhood. Listen, neighbor, please introduce yourself.

[Ellen Smellin]

Hi, I'm Ellen Smellin.

[Nicole Parker]

Hi, Ellen. That's a fun name.

[Ellen Smellin]

Thanks. I didn't. I'm not a fun person, so it doesn't really fit.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, my goodness.

[Ellen Smellin]

My parents. The smellings. I thought they were gonna be funny naming me Ellen, and it's just been kind of a plague on my Entire. Oh, like, I don't like to lead with fun. And. And it really misleads people.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure. So. So people hear your name, and they think, well, this. This gal's gotta be all right.

[Ellen Smellin]

Jokester. No, I don't. I don't even really understand most humor. O.

[Nicole Parker]

It's tough.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It is good to know about yourself.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Have you ever thought about changing your name to something less whimsical?

[Ellen Smellin]

It's too many forms. I did. I. I thought about it. Then you have to. You have to go to the dmv, and then you have to go to the State Department, and it's just. I'm not. I just. I stay home.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then here, you have to go to the council as well.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, yes, you do. You have to go to the D Falls Council if you want to change your last name.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Not the city council, The Dignity Falls council. Yeah, but I want to know really quickly. You are. I want you to tell me what you think those balls are.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Great question.

[Ellen Smellin]

I think. I think they're trafficked. Ozempic.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Trafficked Ozempic.

[Ellen Smellin]

I think, if you'll notice from the beginning of my post, it says a skinny male teen. All the teens are getting so skinny. And I think Ozempic's the new party drug. And I think they're really, really. I think they're leaving them in little fun colors. You know how. What was those Clorox bleach balls or something?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, yeah, those Tide pods.

[Ellen Smellin]

I thought they were Clorox bleach balls.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, I think they probably.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Bleach balls.

[Ellen Smellin]

All the kids were putting them in their mouth to make their teeth.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, dear.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, I think they'd be. They'd be dead. I think.

[Nicole Parker]

I think.

[Ellen Smellin]

That's not what I heard. I heard the kids would. Would chomp on the bleach balls, have bright white teeth and makeup.

[Nicole Parker]

No, it's like when in that movie Super Bad, it was supposed to just be like, okay, cool, that they just emptied a Tide bot and poured beer in it, and everyone drank it, and everyone was fine. That always bothered me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't remember.

[Nicole Parker]

You don't? It's wild. They run out of every possible way to get liquor to the party except for just emptying a Tide. They don't rinse it out, you know, they're not boys. You can tell they don't.

[Ellen Smellin]

Did you guys watch the new episode of Euphoria? Because I came out last night on hbo, and in the first episode, Rue is trafficking drugs. Okay, it looks like this, but it's White. And the balls are bigger.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, right.

[Ellen Smellin]

And. But I think they're having to traffic smaller balls because everyone's so skinny. Now I see their buttholes are too tiny to have a full. You know, so it all. Everything.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm saying, the size of your butthole.

[Ellen Smellin]

Yeah. Oh, oh, oh. It is so powerful. It makes everything skinny. Even the end hole is smaller.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, boy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

As a pharmacist and I've filled a few prescriptions for GLPs.

[Nicole Parker]

Sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I feel like the pill form is still a ways off.

[Nicole Parker]

It's just now coming on the market, but it's not. It's a little different, but it's not. I haven't seen little squishy balls.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I don't think.

[Ellen Smellin]

No, I'm pretty sure that the balls, they're like a gelatin. And then you put it in some sort of injection situation. These aren't pills. These are balls of gelatin that people are. Are loading into some sort of like a diabetes, like, injector to the thigh. I don't know. I'm not on them, so I don't know.

[Nicole Parker]

Calm down. We're not accusing you of anything. It's okay. It's okay. Sit back down. Sit down. You're okay. You're okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let me say this. You see, you are sort of connecting these dots and you're filling in blanks.

[Ellen Smellin]

I think it's a straight line, a solid line. Not even a dashed line.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But you haven't seen anyone doing this. You've just seen these balls in a. In a. The simply organic.

[Ellen Smellin]

Well, I keep watch. These very specific military times. 1545.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. Thank you for bringing that up, because that was an incredibly specific window. What's that about?

[Ellen Smellin]

Veteran.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, thank you. For service.

[Ellen Smellin]

Yep. Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Where did you serve? Which branch?

[Ellen Smellin]

I served in the mail carrying part of the army. I would deliver everybody their packages. I have been shot at.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, wow. Where were you stationed? Where'd that happen? Where'd you see action?

[Ellen Smellin]

Kansas.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And people shot at you in Kansas for delivering army mail?

[Ellen Smellin]

Well, no, I was in a fight with someone and someone shot on me. But I was on duty. I was in a fight with my ex husband. He shot at me while I was carrying the mail.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Ellen Smellin]

To the officers.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Ellen Smellin]

And. Yep. That's why one of my butt cheeks is a little deflated.

[Doug]

Thank you for your service.

[Nicole Parker]

I did not. Babe, you're a little behind. He's thanking you for your service. That's my husband. You can't see him, but you can hear him.

[Ellen Smellin]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Is there anything else you want to say babe? No.

[Doug]

You said I was a little behind.

[Ellen Smellin]

So do you nag your husband a lot? That doesn't. That's why me and my husband got divorced. He felt overly criticized.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, dear. Well, we're.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you feel that you criticized him a lot?

[Ellen Smellin]

I think I just said it how it was.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What were some of the criticism? You would.

[Ellen Smellin]

I'd say you're unattractive.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, boy.

[Nicole Parker]

That might even go beyond criticism.

[Ellen Smellin]

But that's. But it's facts. It does go beyond.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, that's not what I meant.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But a criticism, damaging a criticism, I think, at its core is supposed to

[Ellen Smellin]

be something that you could improve, can make themselves hotter. Kids are doing a show.

[Nicole Parker]

You should have known that they're doing it because you know what? She has a point.

[Ellen Smellin]

I always have a point. You never see my points coming.

[Nicole Parker]

But now that I believe.

[Ellen Smellin]

Locked and loaded.

[Nicole Parker]

Can I ask you this question? Have you seen anybody approach this bottle and take any skinny male tea?

[Ellen Smellin]

Well, no.

[Nicole Parker]

He's hazarding it. Right.

[Ellen Smellin]

I keep very particular hours, so I'm asleep probably at the times when they're going to be taking them.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, what was the last time you looked? Was it still there? Was it still full? Okay. Was it still there? Was it still full?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why did you put the later time first?

[Ellen Smellin]

Why'd I put the link time first? Give me a second.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, let me see. What does the time say?

[Ellen Smellin]

It says 1545-1245. Which for you freaking plebeians would mean.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I'm sorry. I do apologize. It's two separate days. That's why. So Sunday at 15:45.

[Nicole Parker]

Sorry about that. That's on us.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Monday, around 12.

[Nicole Parker]

Around. But what I want to know is the left. Are you okay?

[Ellen Smellin]

Had a little something in my throat.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, okay. All right. Do you need some. Are you okay?

[Ellen Smellin]

I handled it.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, okay. Good for you. So I want to know the last time you looked, had that bottle moved? Had the. Had there been any person, like, does it look like any balls have been taken out?

[Ellen Smellin]

I mean, it's very little balls. Some could get moved and it would take a while. For me, I think they're. They're snorting little bits of zempic balls at a time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So now they're snorting them. So they're not.

[Ellen Smellin]

It's like heroin. You can do them any manner away.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm just gonna say this. I don't know much about trafficking. I don't much about dealing drugs, but I do. What I do know is that it's usually done Pretty surreptitiously. And it's not just drugs out in the. Just right out in the open. Usually it's done in a way that you can't even see them, in a way that they're concealed well.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And you want to make sure you get money.

[Nicole Parker]

That as well.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Ellen Smellin]

Teens like to do all sorts. I mean, remember there's the New York Times article once about how teens are wearing bracelets to say what sex acts they're doing. You know, like.

[Nicole Parker]

Right. I thought they were just French and bracelets for Taylor Swift.

[Ellen Smellin]

Nope.

[Nicole Parker]

They're going.

[Ellen Smellin]

If you wear a purple one, it means you do blow jobs.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, yeah. Yes, I remember.

[Ellen Smellin]

Or whatever.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know, the rainbow parties.

[Ellen Smellin]

The rainbow parties, yeah. So too, we don't begin to know what the teens are doing with their little signals.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, that's true.

[Ellen Smellin]

Bright colors.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think that turned out to be largely untrue.

[Nicole Parker]

I mean, I don't.

[Ellen Smellin]

Have you ever read that book? Go ask Alice. Yes, I have read that book and that is true.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They make us. They make us read it in pharmacological college.

[Nicole Parker]

They do.

[Ellen Smellin]

How come?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's to deal with hysterical parents.

[Nicole Parker]

I see. Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who come in some. Because you wouldn't believe how many parents come into the pharmacy and say, did you prescribe my child speed?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, goodness.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I. I say, first of all, I don't prescribe anything. Secondly, tell me who your child is.

[Nicole Parker]

Right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We'll see if they have a prescription here. That would have actually been your responsibility as a parent.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then they usually just sputter off.

[Nicole Parker]

See, I didn't read that book because I was just. I mean, Jalipi was fine. I had no problem with her, but I had a problem with the boys. So someone recommended me. Please ask Alan. And that was telling someone to go communicate with your boys because if you don't ask them questions and if you don't keep on them, they will just. They'll bring it out.

[Ellen Smellin]

They're all just whatever, Mogging and look smacks it.

[Nicole Parker]

That's right. Oh, please don't mention that. I'm waiting for the twins to find out about that.

[Ellen Smellin]

It's mogging. It's maxing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They're max waxing. Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

And which is the one where you make your. Where this part of your. You know, you can you put the tongue on the roof of your mouth. Muling. That's also muling, not mewling.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's what a cat.

[Nicole Parker]

Mewing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Mewing.

[Nicole Parker]

That's right. You go like this. You go. And it's supposed to make I'm doing it. See how, like my neck changes?

[Doug]

Is it.

[Ellen Smellin]

It's. Is it for aesthetics? To make you.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, it's just.

[Ellen Smellin]

It's.

[Nicole Parker]

You're supposed to just walk around like that just so that you have a better neck.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You want to look like clavicular.

[Nicole Parker]

It's ridiculous. Oh, God, not him. Well, again, once the twins hit the looks maxing phase, which I feel like they're. I don't want. Don't say that name around this house because they're going to look it up and then they're going to be very into it. I'm sorry. I don't want to take the time away from Ellen. Can you tell me, you said you stay home all the time. Do you have a job? Do you live alone?

[Ellen Smellin]

I'm retired from. I have. From army man.

[Nicole Parker]

I know you're in the army, but did you not do any other job? Oh, my goodness.

[Ellen Smellin]

Wow.

[Nicole Parker]

Her eyes just made a full circle in her sockets.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Never seen an eye roll a full 360. That was.

[Ellen Smellin]

What do I do? What were all my years of service delivering mail and getting shot at for it if the civilians aren't even interact.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

To be fair, your husband shot at you.

[Ellen Smellin]

Oh, tell that.

[Nicole Parker]

He was on a left ass.

[Ellen Smellin]

Left ass. Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm not going.

[Ellen Smellin]

That's why I'm kind of sitting like this.

[Nicole Parker]

I understand.

[Ellen Smellin]

Yeah, a divot there.

[Nicole Parker]

Did you then leave Kansas because of this and come here? What brought you here?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Here?

[Ellen Smellin]

What brought me here?

[Nicole Parker]

Or were you just stationed in Kansas? I'm sorry, I'm making. I'm making assumptions and I apologize.

[Ellen Smellin]

Left and right. You are.

[Nicole Parker]

I sure am. Relax and relax. And I don't mean to rub that in because I have my left and my right.

[Ellen Smellin]

I always had a plan to retire to Dignity Falls. I saw it in a calendar once and I said, I'll go there. You know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What was this calendar?

[Ellen Smellin]

It was a cat. You know, one of those. Those year long calendars every month.

[Nicole Parker]

They're usually that way. Yes, usually. Year long.

[Ellen Smellin]

Calendar year. Every month had a different path. Pastoral scene in November was Dignity Fall.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We made a calendar.

[Nicole Parker]

We did.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's exciting.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. I. It's in. It's in. It's. Well, someone has one of the originals of it. It's my friend Beverly. She has it. And they were really trying to get a lot of tourism going through. And what's crazy is it was mostly all of her water features, which is sad because they're. They're not. They're not around anymore.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

But yes, we did get a little bit of an influx of residents from that time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The tourism. Now, the slogan here is, why don't you. Why don't you come and find it? It's like there's a question of, you know, on the top of the poster, so what's so great about dignity falls? And then at the bottom it says, why don't you come and find it?

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ellen Smellin]

It's pretty aggressive. And I was like, I'll take that challenge.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It works on a lot of people.

[Nicole Parker]

And so how have you found it? But how. How do you like it?

[Ellen Smellin]

Well, I think the falls themselves are underwhelming.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, yeah, they're almost not at this point.

[Ellen Smellin]

Yeah, but other than that, I'm. I mean, I'm. I really care about the community and I. Caring about the teens. I think they're getting too skinny and hot. I'm attracted to some of them.

[Nicole Parker]

I don't know.

[Ellen Smellin]

I'm not proud of that.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm not proud to say that. No, I don't think you should be.

[Ellen Smellin]

But I'm. But, but we have to speak the truth. Otherwise we don't deal with these things.

[Nicole Parker]

I suppose that's true in some ways. Do you have children of your own? Yeah. Okay. And.

[Ellen Smellin]

And when my ex shot at me, it went.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You keep saying shot at me, but he shot you.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, he did. He did get shot.

[Ellen Smellin]

I don't think the preposition hurts. The. The commun.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, the at makes it seem as if you got away, but you did not. You were shot, but you have to

[Ellen Smellin]

get shot at to be shot.

[Nicole Parker]

This is also true.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Boy, that's true. I do think that it's an important distinction, though.

[Ellen Smellin]

Okay, well, I was shot in my left buttock. And it went. It went through my uterus, hit my right ovary, and the left one was already bad, so no children for me.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, I see.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sounds like one magic bullet.

[Nicole Parker]

Sorry. Burnt. Depends on who you are. Be sensitive. So what. What's the fallout of that? Other than what happened to me? I understand. Okay, I said that wrong. What I meant was.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now who's a little bit.

[Nicole Parker]

Did you. Okay, all right. What I meant was, did you take him to court? Did you press charges? Really?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why not?

[Ellen Smellin]

Because it's. I, I. You know, I know I wasn't the easiest woman to be married to, and it's just. What is it gonna do to rehab? I already got shot at. He's not gonna unshot shoot at me or whatever. Preposition jail. You're gon for saying it wrong.

[Nicole Parker]

Preposition jail.

[Ellen Smellin]

And you know, he just. He had to get it out of his system. It got out of his system, and now we're pretty good. We're roommates.

[Nicole Parker]

Wait, he's. He's.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We moved here.

[Nicole Parker]

You don't live alone. You live with him.

[Ellen Smellin]

I never said I lived alone.

[Nicole Parker]

Right. No, you didn't. You did not. You answered the first part of the question, not the second. That's on me. Yeah. What's his name again? Did you say that?

[Doug]

No.

[Ellen Smellin]

Jellyn.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Jellyn.

[Ellen Smellin]

Short for Magellan.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Magellan. Oh, that's a quite a grand name.

[Nicole Parker]

There's some ridiculous commercial about, like, a hair product. I was like, I'm jelly. Oh, dude. I was. That's right. I just realized I'm gelling like a felon. That's right. Someone even dared to say I'm gelling like Magellan, if I remember, because they ran out of him.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Probably.

[Nicole Parker]

His name is Jelen. How does he spell it?

[Ellen Smellin]

J, E, L, L, I, N. Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And what's his last name?

[Ellen Smellin]

Smell. And he took mine.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, he took yours. That's so crazy, because you think that you take his. Because you hate your name.

[Ellen Smellin]

Yeah, but he's. He's a violent feminist. He's just

[Nicole Parker]

two words together.

[Ellen Smellin]

I don't mean violent in the sense of violence. Except for the one time he shot me. I mean, he's really committed, you know, hardcore.

[Nicole Parker]

Say that, then. A committed feminist. I think I like that better than a violent feminist.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And is that why you say shot at rather than just shot?

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, it could be. Yeah.

[Ellen Smellin]

Yep. Wow. You guys are really policing my language.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, I'm sorry that you feel that way. I do apologize. We don't mean to.

[Ellen Smellin]

It's not an apology. When you say, I'm sorry that you feel that way.

[Nicole Parker]

That's not really good. You got me. You got me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm taking that in.

[Ellen Smellin]

You got yourself.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let me ask you this, Ellen. When he. So he. The teen twice put these.

[Ellen Smellin]

Ozempic balls.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. Allegedly.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Ozempic balls. The first time, did anyone take the bottle?

[Ellen Smellin]

They didn't take the bottle. The bottle remained.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No.

[Ellen Smellin]

You asked if they took the balls in the bottle.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well.

[Nicole Parker]

Or if it had been moved at all.

[Ellen Smellin]

I'm not.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Language police. Police thyself.

[Nicole Parker]

Sit down. I know that maybe because your condition, you have to stand up and sit down a lot. But it seems like. Oh, wow. She's just kind of breathing like Sigourney Weaver in Ghostbusters.

[Ellen Smellin]

I just got. I just got really riled up because I hate when I feel misunderstood.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're trying to understand.

[Ellen Smellin]

The bottle didn't move. Okay, but I. There could have been a layer of the balls that were snorted or consumed in some fashion, and then the kids put the lid back on. I don't know that any balls weren't taken.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So you think the k were operating on the honor system with these drugs where they were saying, I think they're skimming a couple.

[Ellen Smellin]

He leaves them for the teens to come at their own schedule and just snort them as they will to get their little skinny fix.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So from. From Sunday to Monday. So as of Monday, there were two bottles in there, huh?

[Nicole Parker]

Let's go back to the text. Let's go back to the text.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The sacred text.

[Nicole Parker]

That's what I always do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The text is very important.

[Nicole Parker]

The text is sacred.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So. So Sunday, he left a bottle around 15:45.

[Ellen Smellin]

Huh?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Monday, he did it again. 12:10.

[Ellen Smellin]

I did write that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, you did.

[Nicole Parker]

So are there two? The last time you checked, were there two bottles or one?

[Ellen Smellin]

I would say there's two.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, so I might suggest you seem

[Paul F. Tompkins]

hazy on these details.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, I'm.

[Ellen Smellin]

I've been clear for the whole time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, may I say that right now you seem a little hazy.

[Ellen Smellin]

You're.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're projecting well the way you now come. Now, let me.

[Nicole Parker]

Let me take a different.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're accusing me of projection.

[Nicole Parker]

Let's not. Let's not argue with our guest. I just want to say that if we. Again, I know very little about drugs, but I do know that people generally don't do them out in the open if it's not legal and it's. It usually wants to be done.

[Ellen Smellin]

Virgin. What people do. Look around.

[Nicole Parker]

Did she just call me a virgin?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She did.

[Ellen Smellin]

People don't do drugs out in the open yet say freaking new. Have you ever been to a party? Have you ever been to a cd?

[Nicole Parker]

A party. Party's different. Have you ever been to a cd Part. But not in a quiet neighborhood in broad daylight or even at night?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Speaking as a chad, I can tell you that. Yeah, of course people do drugs in the open, but we have not established that these are drugs. And I also have to.

[Nicole Parker]

That's my point.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, Joel, I'm trying to help. I want your side.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, I'm very upset about being called a virgin. Very upset.

[Ellen Smellin]

I'm sewing discord between the two of you. It's working.

[Nicole Parker]

Marvel. Normally, I like compliments that make me sou. Young and feel young, but not this one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No. You're proud of the sex you've had?

[Nicole Parker]

Sure am.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're Very. You're sex positive.

[Nicole Parker]

No answer.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The idea that Ozempic is a. Is a party drug.

[Ellen Smellin]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How is it. How does it function as a party drug?

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, because usually it takes a while to sort of start working for your system. And also all it does is make you not want to eat. So what makes them. Where's the euphoria in that? That.

[Ellen Smellin]

Well, it all. It makes you and barf and. Have you ever taken.

[Nicole Parker]

That's also not sexy. Have you ever. I don't know about you, but.

[Ellen Smellin]

But some of my best times have been after a good number two.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I can't consider it a party.

[Nicole Parker]

Say that.

[Ellen Smellin]

I consider it an. A euphoric experience.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. Could. Have you ever considered trying oic? Because I'm wondering if that's maybe what this is.

[Ellen Smellin]

My body.

[Nicole Parker]

Do you wish you could try it? No, I have.

[Ellen Smellin]

Have an exceptional body.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm not saying that you don't. I'm just saying a lot of people are cure. They're oic curious and maybe they're also a little OIC judgmental. And perhaps some of that is what's going on here right now.

[Ellen Smellin]

No, it's just. I think people who do it are cheaters.

[Nicole Parker]

Right. There's the judgment. No, no, no.

[Ellen Smellin]

It's not judgment.

[Nicole Parker]

It's facts. Oh, I'm not sure that that's fair. I'm not sure that's fair. There's people who tried all sorts of things to lose weight, and then this also really helps them. Some people, they're finding all sorts of health benefits from it. Now, listen.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Absolutely.

[Nicole Parker]

We don't know everything about it. It. But if you're curious about it, there's nothing wrong with you trying.

[Ellen Smellin]

Same way I feel about birth control. If you're doing it, you're cheating.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

In what way cheating?

[Ellen Smellin]

Yeah, you're. You're stopping the body's natural ovulation and then. And then you're having sex consequence free. No fair.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No fair.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So did you and your husband practice any form of birth control? Well, you could.

[Nicole Parker]

Before the accident. Before the shooting. Yes.

[Ellen Smellin]

No, because we. We would have had a baby when we weren't. When we didn't want to. And then he shot me so I couldn't.

[Nicole Parker]

I mean, there's many ways.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So you didn't have sex at all?

[Nicole Parker]

And she called me virgin. Again, I think an accusation is a truth.

[Ellen Smellin]

I think that you're calling yourself a virgin.

[Nicole Parker]

No, you said that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I was saying every accusation is an admission.

[Nicole Parker]

Sorry. That's what I meant to say.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let me ask you this. I'm going to ask you this point blank, and I've never asked.

[Nicole Parker]

Truth. Well, sort of, in a way. That's not helping, but I'm glad you came up for air.

[Doug]

It's a funny foible.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're struggling here, Doug.

[Nicole Parker]

We're funny foible.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're fighting for our lives here.

[Doug]

I can hear that. She's, like, playing tennis with you, too, you know, it's like doubles against a single.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. You trying to do like a 4D, 4D chess situation? Is that what you.

[Doug]

Am I trying to do that?

[Ellen Smellin]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, you.

[Doug]

No, I said tennis.

[Nicole Parker]

I.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let me ask you this. I've never asked to guess this on the show before.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, wow. Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are you a virgin?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, that is true. You never asked that.

[Ellen Smellin]

Define virgin.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Someone who has never had penetrative sex.

[Nicole Parker]

You actually finally get to use it properly.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Properly. I've always used it properly.

[Nicole Parker]

Appropriately. Wait, what?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What? You are a virgin?

[Nicole Parker]

She is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, no. Crying.

[Nicole Parker]

No, no, no. No crying. It's okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's crying.

[Nicole Parker]

It's okay. Crying in podcasts.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are you crying?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, bird, don't. Don't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There's no crying.

[Nicole Parker]

Take your baseball cap.

[Ellen Smellin]

I just feel like I've missed out on this, you know, universal human experience.

[Nicole Parker]

No, Bird, it's not too late. It's not too late. It's never too late. Too late.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's not too late because when the

[Ellen Smellin]

bullet went through my butt and then to my ovary, it ricocheted back and

[Paul F. Tompkins]

then closed up and closed.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, it didn't close the door.

[Ellen Smellin]

Wait a minute.

[Nicole Parker]

This is medically confusing.

[Ellen Smellin]

Just the one hole. My urethra works great.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's a relief.

[Ellen Smellin]

But the vaginal canal has been shut down.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, no, I don't. I mean, I feel bad making you describe just like, sort of cauterize. I don't understand that. With clothes.

[Ellen Smellin]

Exactly.

[Nicole Parker]

Cauterize. You mean in, like, the surgery to save you?

[Ellen Smellin]

No, no, I mean that our lower system is. Is engineered such that it's all depending on each other. So if you knock out an ovary, then this beam falls and this and

[Nicole Parker]

this and this is feeling very 911 conspiracy.

[Ellen Smellin]

There was a 911 in my reproductive system.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Lead bullets can't cauterize fallopian tubes.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm not saying it's cauterizing. I'm saying it just fell down.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Everything fell down.

[Nicole Parker]

It doesn't. Like you're talking. You're describing, like, a demolition of a building. That's just.

[Ellen Smellin]

I'm not able to.

[Nicole Parker]

New life now. If I know And I don't mean to bring this part up to rub that in, but when a woman gives birth, if she gives birth naturally, all sorts of things happen to that that it was designed to do.

[Ellen Smellin]

You weren't designed to get shot in there.

[Nicole Parker]

That is true.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's true. We were not designed to get shot in any way.

[Nicole Parker]

But it wasn't. It's true. It wasn't anywhere near that. It was your. You know, it was above. But yes, the ovaries. Yes, that's above the area. It's not far. I understand what collapsed helps.

[Ellen Smellin]

And when he shot me, I was like, ah,

[Paul F. Tompkins]

wiggling around.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, that's what she's saying.

[Ellen Smellin]

Went all left and right.

[Nicole Parker]

Went all left and right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It changed its momentum as soon as it entered.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm horrified. I also don't want to offend anybody. I'm sorry to make you talk about this, but I'm also have only. I only have more questions.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Have you. Have you considered.

[Nicole Parker]

I've never heard of this. Have you.

[Doug]

It was way bigger bearing.

[Ellen Smellin]

I don't think it was way bearing.

[Nicole Parker]

God.

[Doug]

I don't think it's nice. Load bearing. Weight bearing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Never heard.

[Nicole Parker]

Is it just a single beam that you needed? The one wall. That's not how it's shaped. Do people not understand the female anatomy? What is going on here?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Didn't you not hear how she jiggled around?

[Nicole Parker]

I did hear that. I don't think that has anything to do with it.

[Ellen Smellin]

Let me an ally.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. All right. You're a violent feminist. Good job. Burnt.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let me ask you ask you. Have you consulted with a doctor to see if that situation could be.

[Nicole Parker]

Great question.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You could have sex.

[Ellen Smellin]

I consulted with a doctor and his

[Paul F. Tompkins]

anal sex off the table.

[Ellen Smellin]

Burnt. It's not.

[Nicole Parker]

That's another question. You've never asked to guess. It's not. It's not off the table. Yes, we sure are.

[Ellen Smellin]

It's not off the table. It's just less appealing when one side's all deflated.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Have you consulted a surgeon about that?

[Nicole Parker]

I'm not made up. I'm sorry. I have to ask this. Did an actual medical professional use the word deflated?

[Ellen Smellin]

Because that also they say depressed. You know, I have a depressed cheek.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I mean there's. There's certainly things that can be done about that. People do it that don't need it.

[Nicole Parker]

Brazilian. But list. For crying out loud.

[Ellen Smellin]

Believe in accepting your body as is. Ergo, I'm anti Jose.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Ellen Smellin]

My logic is rock solid.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm sorry, you guys don't follow it I believe it. You break this down and put it

[Ellen Smellin]

in court and elect me president.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're not going to do that. So you don't.

[Ellen Smellin]

You. You.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You don't judge people for being fat?

[Ellen Smellin]

I judge people for cheating out of it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Cheating out of it. So if you see a fat person, you don't think, well, they're.

[Nicole Parker]

They.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They are. They are.

[Nicole Parker]

Let's.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let's say fat is okay to say.

[Nicole Parker]

I don't know about that. Burn. I don't like it. As a woman, I don't like it.

[Doug]

What did you say, babe? Full body.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, full body. Like a wine. That seems condescending.

[Ellen Smellin]

That seems like you're dealing. You're. You're making fun.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It seems Victorian in a way.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, speaking of Victoria, back in the day, it was a sign of wealth and success and great abundance. You were big. So, okay, let's say something weird about it. Let's say abundant. Let's say abundant then. How about that?

[Ellen Smellin]

No, but all these flowery words are making it seem like.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, fine. I was trying not to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Keith. What are we buying? Tough Tough Skins at Sears?

[Nicole Parker]

I think it's just making it worse. I was really trying to help.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now, when I was a child, I just. As a quick sidebar.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

When I was a child, there was a brand of jeans that Sears. Oh, yes, the line of jeans called Tough Skins. And the idea was, these are very adorable and your monstrous child will not wear these out. They'll last forever. And they were extremely uncomfortable.

[Nicole Parker]

It sounds like. It sounds like they're made of.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like there was a reason they were tough.

[Nicole Parker]

Of rubbish rubber.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You wish. But.

[Nicole Parker]

But they one time, like, fire hose material.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It was fire hose material. And one of the commercials featured a sort of 1950s robot wearing these jeans jumping up and down.

[Nicole Parker]

Is that real?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The robot was testing the jeans? Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Good Lord.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I have to try and find that commercial.

[Nicole Parker]

What would a robot be wearing. Be wearing pants anyway?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, it was just purely to. To test the durability. It was not the ro. Like, I want to have more style back then.

[Nicole Parker]

They weren't saying that now, Riz. Wow. That's the first time that word was ever heard.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Robot.

[Nicole Parker]

No one knew what he was saying.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, nobody knew. He was very advanced.

[Nicole Parker]

They destroyed it immediately. Okay, so, Helen, God, I really want to help you. I have. I. I've usually not been turned around. I've been.

[Ellen Smellin]

I don't need.

[Nicole Parker]

I've been called a virgin by a virgin. This is a virgin. She described a medical anomaly I've never heard of.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now we we also have to get into the picture of the.

[Nicole Parker]

Can we please. Because this is. You know, I thought this was going to be the craziest thing that happened. This is the most bizarre looking person.

[Ellen Smellin]

I want that hat.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't even know if you can call it a hat.

[Nicole Parker]

I feel like it might be his hair in like a purple fade.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

For the listener, we will. We will also put this on our Instagram so you can see it. The. The. The picture is of. Of. It looks like a human torso. First of all, the. The background is missing. Has been. Seems like the background has been removed.

[Nicole Parker]

Honestly, looks like, you know, when you see the alien really quickly out the window in signs. It's what it looks like. It looks very. Like you said a cryptid. This looks like a sighting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It reminds me of your old friend Indrid Cold from the Mothman prophecies we never see, but we hear on the phone. And this is what I imagine you'd like to look.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now let me tell you something. This Tina has some junk in the trunk.

[Nicole Parker]

Speaking of. He's not deflated.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are you perhaps a little jealous of this teen and that's why you're assassinating his character?

[Ellen Smellin]

I. I think he's doing a zempic and it's making his body weird.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. What's going on?

[Nicole Parker]

Well known that it's all parts of the body where you begin to lose the. The fat and the muscle.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Doesn't happen one part at a time.

[Nicole Parker]

Get pushed to one body part.

[Ellen Smellin]

I don't know. I'd like to see the clinical trials. I don't know if we have confirmation on that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So how much do you know about the drug Ozempic and quite a lot.

[Ellen Smellin]

So GLP1.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. Right.

[Nicole Parker]

What else?

[Ellen Smellin]

It's expensive.

[Nicole Parker]

It does. It is expensive.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Expensive.

[Ellen Smellin]

Once just start it. If you go off it, you often put the weight back on.

[Nicole Parker]

That's what they do say. Huh?

[Ellen Smellin]

A lot of people who use it say they suffer from food noise. It quiets the noise. Everything I'm saying is right. And so that's true.

[Nicole Parker]

How does it work?

[Ellen Smellin]

It gobbles up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is where it falls apart, Ellen.

[Nicole Parker]

A little bit. A little bit.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

When the word gobbles comes into play.

[Ellen Smellin]

Gobbles up your adipose tissue and then it forms a little. A little excrement in your bloodstream and it. That's why you take much denser shits.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh my goodness.

[Ellen Smellin]

Hey, you might have laughed at the word gobbles, but did you clock the word adipose?

[Nicole Parker]

We caught it. That was very impressive. Ellen, I don't. You get a gold star.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That sounded much more scientific.

[Nicole Parker]

You definitely get a gold star. It's better than gobbled.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, it creates an excrement in your bloodstream.

[Ellen Smellin]

All that sounds like it's from a book to me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, it's true. I commend you for not saying poop poo.

[Ellen Smellin]

Well, I'm not a child.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. How old are you?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, no more tears.

[Nicole Parker]

Immediately started crying. Oh, this is terrible.

[Ellen Smellin]

I'm 40.

[Nicole Parker]

That's not anything to cry about. You look terrific.

[Ellen Smellin]

My fault. My voice sounds 90.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's true. You do have an older, a more mature sounding voice.

[Nicole Parker]

I don't know, but that, I think your voice.

[Ellen Smellin]

I've been trying to online date and they're doing the new thing on Hinge with the voice sound. And people, people, they don't respond well to my voice.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I didn't realize.

[Nicole Parker]

Tell us about this.

[Ellen Smellin]

Yeah, you can record your voice because a lot of times people say when they online date and they meet the person in person, their voice is different and throws them off. So now you can upload your voice ahead of time.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, then how do you know that someone's not just uploading a fake voice?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Exactly, Joe.

[Nicole Parker]

Thank you.

[Ellen Smellin]

That's the risk you take when you online date. Just like you can be. You can be catfished any which way. Now. You can be vocally catfished fish. But I'm honest. I go, this is my voice. I'm 40. And it turns people off.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But then do they also think that the picture must be fake if that's what your voice sounds like?

[Nicole Parker]

Because you're adorable. I'm gonna tell you right now, I

[Paul F. Tompkins]

know you're hot as hell.

[Ellen Smellin]

I'm gorgeous. That's why it bothers me that people are cheating to get gorgeous because I came to a naturalist.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, that's. Now I think. Think that's very. That's very unkind. And it's very judgmental.

[Ellen Smellin]

Husband's ugly.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, goodness, yes, we covered that already. It went from unattractive.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They're divorced now. So you are divorced. Is that correct?

[Nicole Parker]

But roommates.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But roommates.

[Nicole Parker]

I still don't understand how that works. Is he dating? Is he with someone?

[Ellen Smellin]

Huh?

[Nicole Parker]

Who's that?

[Ellen Smellin]

Oh, this woman. Linda Cardellini.

[Nicole Parker]

Who?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The actor?

[Ellen Smellin]

Yeah, yeah, he's very. He loves actresses.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, she's. Wow. She's an ageless beauty. And what an actress. Boy, she's so talented. Everyone said she's the best. So she's just hanging out at your house all the time?

[Ellen Smellin]

Yeah. But she's intimidated by me because as we all know, I look like a 1990s Carmen Electra.

[Nicole Parker]

That is exactly why I couldn't put my finger on it until you.

[Ellen Smellin]

Exactly not current day 19.

[Nicole Parker]

1990.

[Ellen Smellin]

They watch dating Day Navarro.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right.

[Ellen Smellin]

That's what I look like.

[Nicole Parker]

But I have.

[Ellen Smellin]

You know why my voice is like this?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I would love to know.

[Ellen Smellin]

Because have you heard of the disease progeria?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, dear. Yes.

[Ellen Smellin]

I'm afraid to have it vocally just.

[Nicole Parker]

You have vocal progeria? I did not even know that was a thing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So does that mean your voice will get even older as you age?

[Ellen Smellin]

Yep. Until. By the time doctors project, by the time I'm 45, it'll evaporate and I'll be mute.

[Nicole Parker]

They use the word evaporate again. Doctors are you seeing that Are saying gobbled and evaporate.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And they don't say anything about what they could do about accessible.

[Ellen Smellin]

Accessible Doctors. How do we have to use all this jargon? It's used to intimidate people so they don't engage with their health.

[Nicole Parker]

I won't argue with you there. There is a point there. There's a point in there.

[Ellen Smellin]

Point everywhere. I'm pointy.

[Nicole Parker]

She's on point.

[Doug]

Can I see the picture? Pictures?

[Nicole Parker]

Sure, babe. Here, I'll send them to you. Send them to. Send them to Doug.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, sure. Here you go, Doug.

[Nicole Parker]

Now I. I want to say, listen, men can be so superficial.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What does that sound mean? Doug?

[Doug]

Two things. One, okay, that person's caked up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. That's been dust.

[Nicole Parker]

Never heard that phrase before, baby. Caked up. Thank you, Alan. I don't know what that means either.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It means well endowed in the ass area.

[Ellen Smellin]

Really caked up. That's cute.

[Doug]

Secondly, those are fish eggs. Or I think those are.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Those might be fish roe.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, you think it's.

[Ellen Smellin]

They're too big for that.

[Nicole Parker]

Kidding.

[Doug]

I think those might be sea bunnies.

[Ellen Smellin]

What?

[Nicole Parker]

When does everyone get. They're native to Dignity Falls. We have some odd species, especially aquatic ones. And since a lot of them have, I guess just dried up or been preserved in the riverbed, my husband is trying to bring some of them back or end or help preserve them. And sea bunnies are one of them. The babe. Do you want to tell her about sea bunnies?

[Doug]

Sure. They. They have one eye.

[Ellen Smellin]

I checked out.

[Nicole Parker]

Does that help?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

That was a rough start. That was a rough start.

[Doug]

I think it's amazing.

[Ellen Smellin]

Can we go back to caked up? When does everyone. When do people. People get. I Feel like there's all new slang happening, and I'm sure I'm not getting the updates.

[Nicole Parker]

You and me both. They're happening every day.

[Ellen Smellin]

I feel so old.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, all you have to do is be online. Just every spare moment you get, every

[Nicole Parker]

second of the day.

[Doug]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

You know what Urban Dictionary is? You can go and check out that's

[Ellen Smellin]

even that an old reference, like, Only, like, hard Millennials use urban.

[Nicole Parker]

Possibly, but I think they're still updating. I could be wrong.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They are. But you know what the thing about Urban Dictionary is? It's. It's kind of outlived its usefulness because now every word you look up means 80 different things.

[Nicole Parker]

That's true.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And it's sort of unhelpful.

[Nicole Parker]

That's fair.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, gosh, Ellen, I don't know. I don't know what to tell you, because what ended up happening.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I know what to tell you. Go get therapy and then.

[Nicole Parker]

And then go get some.

[Ellen Smellin]

Excuse me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. You have. You have mental problems.

[Nicole Parker]

Go get therapy and then go.

[Ellen Smellin]

I have physical problems.

[Nicole Parker]

Go get some. Go grab some.

[Ellen Smellin]

I am so sharp.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm resilient. No, you've been through trauma. You've been through a lot of trauma.

[Ellen Smellin]

Yeah, but trauma is what you make of it, and I'm eating it for breakfast.

[Nicole Parker]

I would believe that. I think. I think trauma is eating you for breakfast because it can really damage your insides.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Trauma's eating you. Trauma's eating you, Ellen. It's eating you.

[Nicole Parker]

It's eating. She's just saying the same thing over and over again. This is not. We're not getting anywhere. We're going in circles. I. I really, really do think that my.

[Ellen Smellin]

Granted, I do have trauma from the war in Kansas.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Ellen Smellin]

Delivering the mail. Yeah. I'd always get them all. Sometimes I would deliver to the wrong people. Like, they'd get catalogs, and I'd accidentally put it in the wrong mailbox, and then I have to go back and rifle through, and people would go, you're going through my mail? And I'd go, I'm the Navy mailman.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did Lucius got in there.

[Doug]

How did.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How did you know that you had delivered the wrong mail after you delivered it?

[Ellen Smellin]

Because the names didn't match.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But you delivered it.

[Ellen Smellin]

I delivered it. And then I went, wait a second. That one said Veronica and that one said Carl.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So it would occur to you, as you were making your way down the street to.

[Nicole Parker]

It is interesting. She was serving as a Navy mailman in a landlocked state.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. And she also mentioned the Army.

[Ellen Smellin]

There's water under the land.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Boy, that's true. Under the land. I mean, what, Everything's brown there. When you get down there.

[Ellen Smellin]

You think America just goes straight down of the core? No, there's like a warm here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It can go straight down to the core.

[Ellen Smellin]

There's water under.

[Doug]

It's true.

[Ellen Smellin]

It's true. Sharks and dolphins and stuff.

[Nicole Parker]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. We can't, we can't let you get away with that.

[Ellen Smellin]

What?

[Nicole Parker]

What? What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What?

[Nicole Parker]

See, I don't know that term. I've, I haven't heard that one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I haven't heard that one. That. What if. When were you diagnosed with progeria of the voice?

[Ellen Smellin]

When I started talking as a, as

[Paul F. Tompkins]

a, as a baby child.

[Ellen Smellin]

As a child? Nope. I talked right on time, like 2 years old. But I sounded 40 at 2. You sounded 40 at 2, and now at 40, I sound 90.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then in five years, get a

[Nicole Parker]

view, it's gonna be, it's gonna evaporate as soon as said medically evaporates.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right. I, I, I really do think you need to get yourself checked out in every single way.

[Nicole Parker]

Every single way, inside and out.

[Ellen Smellin]

You guys are smug.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, wow. Well, you know, strong language. Listen, we're on your side. If you take. Yeah, we're only ever trying. If you take anything away from this.

[Doug]

She call you sm.

[Ellen Smellin]

You are the Lord of the Rings Dragons.

[Nicole Parker]

We, we are not trying to do anything but help.

[Ellen Smellin]

I just feel constantly attacked.

[Nicole Parker]

I know. I think you always feel that way, though. Even just with these bottles being left. Somehow you take that as a personal affront to you.

[Ellen Smellin]

It is.

[Nicole Parker]

When really I don't.

[Ellen Smellin]

Because it's in front of me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're treating us like we're gelling, shooting at you.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, and we're not. Stop yelling. We're not gelling.

[Ellen Smellin]

You feel good about that?

[Nicole Parker]

That though I'm not jelling. I mean, I guess so. I'm glad I'm not someone who shot at somebody and deflated their cheek.

[Ellen Smellin]

Where do we go from here?

[Nicole Parker]

Therapy. Immediately to therapy and then to a real hospital. Not one on wheels or whatever doctors you're visiting.

[Ellen Smellin]

On wheels. It's on wheels. It's on a boat.

[Nicole Parker]

God, no. You're seeing a doctor on a boat. Is a Navy doctor.

[Ellen Smellin]

Yes. Yeah. No.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's that guy. Okay. You know that there's a few houseboats that are in the dry riverbed

[Ellen Smellin]

in

[Paul F. Tompkins]

addition to the casino boat that gets dragged?

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. Otherwise it'll be illegal. They need to keep it moving.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. And there's one that has a red cross painted on it. And I just thought the guy was

[Ellen Smellin]

like, let me go back to what do we think? Don't we understand? Think about Hawaii, right? You think under the islands of Hawaii, it goes straight to the core.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, wait, we're back here.

[Nicole Parker]

Why are we talking about that?

[Ellen Smellin]

I just. I know it sounds crazy when you think America, there can't be water underneath, but little Hawaii.

[Nicole Parker]

J. I don't know that anyone's walking around saying that.

[Ellen Smellin]

I just.

[Nicole Parker]

Hawaii was. Hawaii was created by volcanoes. There's just molten lava.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There's only thing I argued with is there's not sharks and dolphins underneath.

[Ellen Smellin]

The ocean continues.

[Nicole Parker]

They have found that there the land

[Ellen Smellin]

is on top the ocean.

[Nicole Parker]

She's standing on the T. She's standing on the kitchen island.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You, you, you. The ocean does not continue, continue underneath to the heartland of America.

[Ellen Smellin]

I think it does. I think. And then it comes up.

[Nicole Parker]

I mean, they have found underground reservoirs. Sometimes they have found underground lakes, but not just one continuous ocean. That's just underneath. But I think she's still trying to argue it. Well, that's. That's the truest thing you say today when you think you're right. I do believe you think you're right. What were you gonna say, babe, about tectonics?

[Doug]

Tectonics.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, that's. That was it.

[Doug]

Throw that in there. Tectonics.

[Nicole Parker]

Comments? Mic drop.

[Ellen Smellin]

Where do we go from here?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think we're gonna let you go. I. I think we. We urge you. We urge you to seek some professional help.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, absolutely.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Every single kind.

[Nicole Parker]

Cuz I want to say something. I think you're sweet. You're beautiful. We all know that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Where are you getting sweet from?

[Nicole Parker]

I do think she's sweet. I think she's. I think she has a sweet. I think she's sweet natured. She might be delusional, but she's sweet natured. She's sweet about it.

[Doug]

She called you a virtue from.

[Nicole Parker]

I didn't like. Oh, no.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Her voice is getting older.

[Nicole Parker]

Her voice just got older. You have aged my older.

[Ellen Smellin]

You've aged my voice. This conversation has stressed me so much. My voice is aging rapidly.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She sounds easily 125. All right, we should let you go. Nice work, Doug. Well, Ellen, we wish you the best of luck.

[Nicole Parker]

We wish you the best of luck.

[Ellen Smellin]

I wish I could say the same.

[Nicole Parker]

We.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We. We really do hope you'll take our. Our advice to heart.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, please.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And do something about all of your many problems.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Ellen Smellin]

How am I gonna Get a therapy when my voice is dead.

[Nicole Parker]

Get you to therapy now. Right away. Okay. It's not too late. There's still time. Okay.

[Ellen Smellin]

And that's our show.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, okay, great. Thanks for that segue.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We'll be back with the Neighbor Listen when Neighbor Listen returns.

[Doug]

Back, back.

[Nicole Parker]

The essential dining experience is set long before the plates are plated, the sauce is simmered, or the puree hits the pan. It starts with a simple blend that's consistent, purposeful, and precise. Trusted by the world's best chef chefs. So you can bring your best Vitamix, only the essential.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right, this is Ronald, and guess what I got. I got empty Gucci, Jimmy D. Choo, and Armani fragrance boxes. This is a collection of Gucci, Jimmy Choo and Armani fragrance boxes in mint condition, for sale. Two still have the cologne box in them. Gucci big box, Chibi Chew box. DM for serious inquiries only, willing to let go. All for $130 or individually. Small Gucci box, $20, medium Gucci box, $40, Giorgio Armani box, 25, and Jimmy Choo box, $35. Pickup or delivery. No trades. These are marked down from $65 to $45. I know what I got here, but apparently you people aren't sophisticated enough to know a classy empty box when you see one. Now, you'll notice I said Jimmy D. Chew in the. In the. The. The subject heading. That's because I'm trying to weed out the. Look, you lose. The people don't know what's going on. It's not Jimmy D2. It's Jimmy Choo. All right? Now, look, maybe you got a Gucci item, maybe you got a Jimmy Choo item, maybe you got an Armani IT item. And you. You don't have the box because either you threw it away like a dumbass or you stole the item from somebody else's house. No judgments. Things are valuable. Sometimes you got to steal them. I'm not. Ever. I'm not advocating for stealing. I'm just saying sometimes you have to do that. It's imperative. So if you want these empty boxes and you got a brain in your head, you're going to come to me and you're going to say, ronald, first of all, may God bless and keep you for offering these for such a low, low price. Then you're going to say, are these legit? And I'm going to say, sorry, I have to slam the door in your face right now because you called me a liar. Ronald does not deal in counterfeit empty Boxes. Okay. Ronald only deals with authentic empty boxes from fancy things that aren't in the boxes anymore. Okay? So if you're serious, if you're smart, and if you agree to my terms, then we can do business. Okay? It's pickup or delivery. No trades. Don't try to trade me an empty Captain Crunchbox for a Jimmy Choo. Come on. Don't. Don't try to trade me an empty. A book of matches in a box kind, you know, fancy ones for, for an Armani box. I don't think so. Don't try to. Don't. Don't try to trade me a Matchbox car toy. Matchbox car Matchbox for a Gucci box. No trades. You pick up or I deliver empty boxes. Get your head out of your ass.

[Nicole Parker]

I, you know, I want to apologize to our listeners. I don't know how much we're going to be able to edit out of that. There's a couple things I can think of right away. It might just have been. I don't know what kind of trigger warning you would even put on this episode because we really kind of ran the gamut of things that people might find offensive.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Really?

[Nicole Parker]

Lots of body parts that have never been spoken of.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No.

[Nicole Parker]

On this podcast. No.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Really. A troubled person.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, she truly was.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She's making it everyone else's problem.

[Nicole Parker]

Kind of. Do you know what I was gonna say those balls look like? They look like orbs. Those are things that. I hate them.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They're Balls do look like orbs.

[Nicole Parker]

No, but they're. It or not, they're called orbs. It's a toy that I think once they realize how truly dangerous they were for small children who could choke on them. You're just supposed to be able to. I think you're supposed to be able to pop them and they just have. I, I, I don't know. And, and, or you hide them. I mean, they're supposed to be a children's toy. It's a terrible idea.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, you could say that about any children's toy.

[Nicole Parker]

It's true. Yes, you do. Hide them.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Tonka tricks. Hide them.

[Nicole Parker]

I don't think it's Ozempic. We all know it's not that it's not Ozempic. I am more disturbed by the picture of whatever the hell left that thing there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That is. The headline is, this is a creature

[Doug]

terrifying and wearing a purple beanie.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wearing a purple beanie. Even in the. I don't know. That might be its head. From the picture, I couldn't tell that it was A hat, necessarily.

[Nicole Parker]

It looks like his head. He looks like he has purple hair and like a buzzkill. Like a fade.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I gotta look again. It looks like it's just part of the head. It's really disturbing.

[Nicole Parker]

It's very disturbing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And she is a disturbed person and she's not gonna listen to us. This is Super Dennis jeans. Fear him.

[Nicole Parker]

What is this?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, that's the robot.

[Doug]

So this was actually JCPenney Super Denim.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

JCPenney Super Denim. The fabric. A rugged, heavyweight, long lasting robot or something. And his name is Dennis. Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, my gosh. Sending it to me. It's. They put on the robot Super Dennis

[Paul F. Tompkins]

built to take the kind of punishment.

[Nicole Parker]

This is horrifying.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Super Dennis dishes out.

[Nicole Parker]

Why is he only Irish dancing? He's just able to smack one leg on the ground.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You missed him. Well, that's one of the. That's one of the things. I'll wear jeans in a heartbeat. Oh, but you missed him. He was. He was on his knees on carpet.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know, I imagine being that actor in that robot costume. How miserable that.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, I thought it was a real robot.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Joan.

[Nicole Parker]

What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

John, you come from the theater.

[Nicole Parker]

That's true. That's true.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, that's. That's stagecraft, right?

[Nicole Parker]

That means I believe whatever I see sometimes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did you never. What?

[Nicole Parker]

All right, I was trying to be whimsical. I'm sorry.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That was fun.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, good.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Have you ever acted opposite someone in a robot costume?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, of course. We did an all robot version of Two Gentlemen of Verona taking place in the future.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right.

[Nicole Parker]

And it was. Well, people suffered from heat stroke because we did it in the dead of

[Paul F. Tompkins]

August and you refused to turn on the air conditioning.

[Nicole Parker]

Refused to. Because I thought, well, in the future there's going to be a climate change, of course. And so we all want the audience to feel that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Immersive.

[Nicole Parker]

It was immersive.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Too immersive for Browry justice, who was once one of our best actors.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I remember Browry. Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. He's now in the actor's home, which we have here in Dignity Falls. We have a home for actors when they have retired. And it's. It's sad and also magical.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

And he.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's hard for something to be both at the same time.

[Nicole Parker]

Not in theater. Not in theater. Brutiful is what it is. We call it brutiful.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Brutiful. Oh, I love that.

[Nicole Parker]

It's a good one. And yeah, we were doing a scene and, you know, I also had said, I guess it's not Fair. Because I said, well, the robot ladies should just sort of be like hybrids. So we kind of just had like robot cyborgs. Robot bra. Robot bra. We were more bare skinned, so we weren't having as much trouble. But Browry, you know, and he was doing the robot flat voice, you know, but it was like dear lady hitherto, wherefore, you know, and then he just started glitching. And I thought he was doing a bit, you know what I mean? But he actually was. And we had some mechanical parts that were like batteries and like. So he got electrocuted and had heat stroke at the same time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, it was terrible. And that served as the inspiration for Max Headroom. A lot of people don't know that. It's fun trivia.

[Nicole Parker]

It is fun trivia. So we have one more post.

[Doug]

Great.

[Nicole Parker]

And this one is. Boy, you know, it's. It's. It's a classic neighborhood post. I'll tell you what. So let's try to see what we can make of this. Okay?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

Joanie says 7:15am on Sunday morning, a beautiful health coyote just came running down our street on Beechwood Avenue. Be careful. Health coyote. I. I've only heard about one other sighting of what someone calls a health coyote. And I want to just dismiss it as a typo, but this is the second time it's happened and said to me it was a real thing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, and what.

[Nicole Parker]

But I don't know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You don't know what makes it a health coyote?

[Nicole Parker]

What would it be?

[Doug]

They have the little. The little whiskey barrels.

[Nicole Parker]

You mean let them toilet. Oh, the whiskey.

[Doug]

You know, like those dogs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

St. Bernard.

[Doug]

St. Bernard's I thought they had toilet

[Nicole Parker]

paper around their neck. You know, for when you were in an.

[Doug]

I think that's a Looney Tunes cartoon.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, yeah, right. So what did they actually have around their necks?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There was a cartoon where the. I don't think you.

[Doug]

Nobody was showing toilet paper.

[Nicole Parker]

I think it was a far side

[Paul F. Tompkins]

when they made those old cartoons. Yeah. People would have fainted dead away at the suggestion of toilet paper.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, Doug always thought that was. He had Escrow do it for a while. He put. He hung a roll of toilet paper around us. Escrow's head so that his neck. So when he got stuck with that toilet paper, he'd go, come here, boy. And then he'd come and then he would have toilet paper. Then he ate dog thought it was great. He would eat a lot of it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, a lot of it.

[Nicole Parker]

A lot of it. The boys ate the rest. So what's so.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So you're saying they have little casks of little casts, some sort of medicine? Brandy.

[Doug]

Right. Brandy. Right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Next.

[Doug]

Because for people who are cold, I.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I believe that was the. The. The. Was that really real?

[Nicole Parker]

I don't know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

St. Bernard's in the cask of brand.

[Nicole Parker]

I don't know. Must have been well, and they were just.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What do you mean? It must have been well for something

[Doug]

to be repeated that many times.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, sure. Yeah, that makes sense.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, here's.

[Doug]

People didn't make things that bad.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I do think that leprechauns are real people.

[Nicole Parker]

Here's the thing. Some people, I feel like, tend to get more concern concerned when they see a really skinny coyote outside because it means they are hungry and they're on the prowl for, like, your pets.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure.

[Nicole Parker]

So to see a health coyote, to

[Paul F. Tompkins]

me, that means they're incompetent and your pet's fine. Possibly, but maybe I'd be scared of a big fat coyote.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, this is a health coyote, so I'm wondering. There was some sightings of coyotes at the gym, and they were sort of like gaining muscle and only just attacking high protein animals.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right.

[Nicole Parker]

And so there were some jacked coyotes, you know, walking around, kind of like how kangaroos look really jacked sometimes. It's so crazy. They look like MMA fighters. They're terrifying. They're terrifying. And so we had some jacked coyotes running around, and I wonder if that's what she meant or it was just a typo. But I do think that there's a new. A new breed of coyotes that's kind

[Doug]

of sort of their looks maxing.

[Nicole Parker]

Their looks maxing for sure. This coyote might have been mogging.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can I confess? I'm not really sure what mocking is.

[Nicole Parker]

I think it's when you ruin the background of someone else's picture. Like, it seems to happen a lot when someone's on the red carpet and someone walks back.

[Doug]

I think it's a frame mock. I think it's when you. Yeah, like, outdo someone.

[Nicole Parker]

This is probably really fun for people who actually know what it means to hear us people talk about it.

[Doug]

You guys, this is horrible.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh.

[Doug]

Saint Bernards did not historically carry bears of blood.

[Nicole Parker]

He looked it up. Thank goodness. So then where does that come from?

[Doug]

Babe comes from an 1820 painting. Alpine mastiffs reanimating a distressed traveler.

[Nicole Parker]

The first meme reanimating with somebody just

[Doug]

decided to do that.

[Nicole Parker]

I love that. That's the way to reanimate someone.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Ye.

[Nicole Parker]

He could be Scott Frostbite.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Quick, let's pour some. Pour some booze down him.

[Doug]

It featured a barrel solely for artistic, sentimental effect. Very sentimental.

[Nicole Parker]

So this painter was a liar. I mean, does he know what he did?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He did. Well, he did it for sentimental effect. So people would look at this and they would go, oh, remember when. Remember when. Remember when we tried to get this going and the dogs refused?

[Nicole Parker]

Boy, just to think that a painting could have been that influential back in the day.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

When really these days we would just look. Oh, that's. That's AI. Do you see? Do you see on his neck there's a whiskey barrel. That's the dead giveaway.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That should be the tell for AI. Now.

[Nicole Parker]

It really should be.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Not five, not six fingers.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. But if you have a little brandy barrel around your neck. All right, well, that does it for this episode of the Neighbor Listen. Thank you so much for listening.

[Nicole Parker]

Sorry if it bothered you. Sorry if it upset you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If. If it upset you. Grow up.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, honestly, let's not come for the audience.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't want to. I just don't want to cuddle them.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, well, I think after that, let's just. Let's just say next time we're going to do better to maybe have it a bit. Bit more. Less disturbing and a bit more clean.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think we did nothing wrong. We. We. We play the hand we're dealt.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, that's true. We don't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So do you when you're listening to the episode.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, right, I guess. Are you talking to our listeners now?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If you choose to listen to the episode. Episode? That's the episode we gave you.

[Nicole Parker]

All right, well, we're gonna do our best to sort of clean it up and make sure that it's not too shocking.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm not gonna change.

[Nicole Parker]

I know. Because you don't listen to it burnt. You never listen to it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I never will.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, my God. All right, let's finish it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right, goodbye.

[Nicole Parker]

Goodbye. All of the posts used in this episode were real. Only some geographical specifics have been changed.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The Neighborhood Listen is hosted and produced by me, Paul F. Tompkins and me, Nicole Parker.

[Doug]

And me, Brett Morris.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This episode's guest was played by Alison Rich. The Neighborhood Listen is a production of Comedy Bang Bang world.

[Nicole Parker]

Go to cpbworld.com to unlock the entire history of the show ad free as well as brand new full length bonus room episodes exclusive to Maxima subscribers. Your support keeps the show going. Hi, I am Mandy Moore.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sterling K. Brown. And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast that was us. Now on Head.

[Nicole Parker]

Each episode, we're gonna go into a deep dive from our show. This is us.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right.

[Nicole Parker]

We're gonna go episode by episode. We're also gonna pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are we gonna cry? Yes. A little bit. Are we gonna laugh A lot. A lot.

[Nicole Parker]

A whole lot.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to. That was us on your favorite podcast app. Or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify. New episodes every Tuesday.