Special Wide Stoop with Hillary Anne Matthews

Summary

The Neighborhood Listen: Special Wide Stoop with Hillary Anne Matthews

Release Date: April 29, 2025

Hosts:

• Paul F. Tompkins (as Burnt Millipede)
• Nicole Parker (as Joan Pedestrian)
• Doug (Brett Morris)

---

Introduction and Setting the Scene

The episode opens with the hosts engaging in their signature improvisational banter, setting the tone for an engaging exploration of their hometown, Dignity Falls. As always, they utilize real posts from the Neighborhap app to drive their conversations and interactions with the town's unique residents.

Notable Quote:

Hillary Matthews (Nicole Parker) [00:22]: “On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website.”

---

The Random Pop-Up Kissing Game

Early in the episode, the hosts recount a bizarre experience at the Promenade involving a mandatory "random pop-up kissing game." This surreal event, reminiscent of the popular show "Squid Game," traps participants in a cage elevated 20 feet in the air until they engage in forced interactions.

Key Points:

• Paul and Hillary discuss the discomfort and unexpected scenarios arising from the game.
• Doug shares his experience in the anti-gravity room, a contraption filled with industrial-strength fans intended to simulate zero gravity but resulting in minimal and comical floating.

Notable Quotes:

Paul F. Tompkins [02:46]: “They put you in a small cage, they lift you up 20ft in the air.”

Doug [07:58]: “I am in the anti gravity room.”

---

Dignity Falls' Dwindling Water Supply

The conversation shifts to the environmental changes in Dignity Falls, particularly the drastic reduction of water, leading to the promenade being submerged in cement with remnants like dead fish and coins. The hosts express concern over the city's transformation from a picturesque waterfront to a lifeless, cement-covered area.

Key Points:

• Hillary laments the loss of natural water sources, highlighting the presence of skeletons and abandoned cars.
• Paul suggests community-driven solutions like bucket brigades, though acknowledges their inefficacy due to limited water availability.

Notable Quotes:

Hillary Matthews [06:38]: “We realize that at the bottom of it was all cement. So it's just cement and dead fish and...”

Paul [07:35]: “Now we're a bath society in Dignity Falls.”

---

Introducing the Guest: Hillary Anne Matthews (Played by Nicole Parker)

The episode introduces Hillary Anne Matthews, portrayed by Nicole Parker, as a pivotal guest who shares her personal story and current endeavors. Hillary discusses her impending cohabitation with Burnt and the gradual influx of her belongings into his home, symbolizing the merging of their lives.

Key Points:

• Season Naming: The hosts debate creative names for their podcast seasons, settling on "Season Nate" as a clever nod to "season eight."
• Hillary’s Upbringing: Hillary reveals her unconventional upbringing in a scientific laboratory as a test tube baby, emphasizing her isolated childhood and lack of traditional family interactions.

Notable Quotes:

Hillary Matthews [12:37]: “I was raised in a scientific laboratory.”

Paul F. Tompkins [13:20]: “Let's think about Freddy Krueger's slacks sometimes.”

---

Kathy’s Ping Pong Table Sale

A significant portion of the episode features Kathy, a listener from the neighborhood, who is attempting to sell her ping pong table with specific conditions aimed at attracting "young families" and deterring "beer pong" enthusiasts. The interaction between Kathy and the hosts delves into themes of ethics, societal behaviors, and personal boundaries.

Key Points:

• Advertising Challenges: Kathy struggles with how to market the table without attracting unwanted buyers, leading to humorous exchanges about unsolicited offers and ethical selling practices.
• Ping Pong vs. Beer Pong: The hosts and Kathy debate the differences between traditional ping pong and the party game beer pong, critiquing the latter's appropriateness for a family-friendly environment.

Notable Quotes:

Kathy (Nicole Parker) [31:10]: “Ping pong table tennis and no beer pong.”

Hillary Matthews [34:53]: “Have you ever heard of the concept of an open adoption?”

---

Exploring Ethical Consumption and Community Standards

The hosts and Kathy engage in a lively discussion about the ethics of recreational games like beer pong and their impact on community values. They examine societal expectations for family-friendly activities and the importance of aligning personal choices with broader ethical standards.

Key Points:

• DARE Program Influence: Kathy references the DARE (Drug Abuse Resistance Education) program's role in shaping her perceptions of ethical behavior, leading to a deeper conversation about moral education and its long-term effects.
• Community Dynamics: The conversation touches upon the prevalence of "frat brothers" in Dignity Falls' Fraternity Row, critiquing their disruptive presence in a predominantly family-oriented town.

Notable Quotes:

Hillary Matthews [50:34]: “For beer pong, my understanding is that there exists a single solo cup that's filled with water.”

Paul F. Tompkins [51:15]: “Drug abuse Resistance education to keep kids off drugs and alcohol.”

---

Suspicious Activity and Community Safety

Towards the end of the episode, the hosts address a post from a listener named Desi, expressing concern over suspicious vans and package deliveries in Dignity Falls. They analyze the potential threats and paranoia surrounding unmarked vehicles, blending humor with genuine community safety issues.

Key Points:

• Suspicious Vans: Description of pale blue vans with no logos, engaging in odd behaviors like matching the drivers' pace and performing synchronized light flashes, raising red flags about their intentions.
• Community Reaction: The hosts speculate on the motives behind these suspicious activities, balancing comedic interpretations with the underlying fear of unknown threats.

Notable Quotes:

Paul F. Tompkins [72:01]: “They drive around and if you're on the street, they'll slow down.”

Hillary Matthews [73:49]: “And they drive around and if you're on the street, they'll slow down.”

---

Conclusion and Final Thoughts

The episode wraps up with the hosts reflecting on the day's conversations and experiences. They emphasize the importance of community engagement and staying informed about neighborhood happenings. Hillary's memorable interactions and the peculiarities of Dignity Falls leave listeners both entertained and thoughtful.

Notable Quote:

Hillary Matthews [73:35]: “And welcome back to the neighborhood. Listen, well, Kathy, she really...”

---

Key Takeaways

• Community Dynamics: The episode highlights the unique social fabric of Dignity Falls, from environmental changes to the influence of seemingly out-of-place fraternity members.
• Ethical Consumption: A recurring theme revolves around making ethical choices in recreational activities, specifically contrasting ping pong with beer pong.
• Personal Stories: The inclusion of Hillary Anne Matthews provides a deep dive into unconventional upbringings and the challenges of integrating into the broader community.

Final Notes

"The Neighborhood Listen" continues to blend humor, storytelling, and local intrigue, offering listeners a comprehensive view of life in Dignity Falls. This episode, featuring Hillary Anne Matthews, stands out for its rich character interactions and exploration of both mundane and bizarre neighborhood issues.

Support the Show: To access all seasons ad-free and enjoy exclusive bonus episodes, visit cbbworld.com and sign up for the Maximus plan.

Transcript

[Paul F. Tompkins]

With new McValue at McDonald's, you get more than you expect. So after a long day, buy a.

[Nicole Parker]

Double cheeseburger and add a McChicken for a dollar. Because saving with deals is always on the menu.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

With new MCvalue, prices and participation may vary. Valid for item of equal or lesser value. Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins.

[Hillary Matthews]

And I'm Nicole Parker.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website.

[Hillary Matthews]

Occasionally, we change the names of some.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Streets and that's all you need to know. Change to support the show and unlock the ad free archive, as well as exclusive monthly episodes of the Bonus room, go to cbbworld.com and sign up for a Maximus membership.

[Hillary Matthews]

And now, please enjoy this episode of the Neighborhood.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Listen. Knock, knock.

[Nicole Parker]

Who's there?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Your neighbor.

[Hillary Matthews]

Good. In Dignity Falls, you're never alone. You've got the neighbor half app and us, Vern and Joan. From coyotes to mail theft to weird things to sell.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We'll cover it all and meet new neighbors as well.

[Hillary Matthews]

We'll chat about any post you're missing. So just tune in to the Neighborhood.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Listen. Welcome to the Neighborhood. Listen. This is the podcast that explores the neighborhood of Dignity Falls through the eyes of its residents. Including me.

[Hillary Matthews]

And me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. Who are we? You might ask who are me? Who are we? You might. Who are we? Me. My.

[Hillary Matthews]

Who are me?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who are me?

[Hillary Matthews]

Yeah, who are you?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I. Why.

[Hillary Matthews]

Are you. Okay, Bert, I did.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm sorry. I had a little tickle in my throat.

[Hillary Matthews]

That's okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

My name is. I do. I do have Covid.

[Hillary Matthews]

Full disclosure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

My name is Burnt payday.

[Nicole Parker]

So.

[Hillary Matthews]

That's so 2020 anymore, is it?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right?

[Hillary Matthews]

Well, I don't know. But I do wish that you would disclose that before we.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I know. We passed that.

[Hillary Matthews]

I know, but we. We played that weird random pop up kiss and you didn't even tell me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We did play that random pop up kissing game and we all won.

[Hillary Matthews]

We all won. That's the whole point of it, is there's no losers. But they do make you do it. It's down at the. At the Promenade.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right.

[Hillary Matthews]

Which we were at last night.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, we were at the Promenade last night. You know, we all went out. They make you play this random pop up kissing game. We, now, none of us, obviously, you and Doug have kissed.

[Hillary Matthews]

Yes. Many, many times.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We have not.

[Hillary Matthews]

We've never. No, let me be very clear. We never have and we never will again. It was only because. It's only because we were Forced to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We were forced to do it. They lock the doors. They won't let you out until you play the random pop up kissing game.

[Hillary Matthews]

It's. They put you in a small cage, they lift you up 20ft in the air.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Traitor style. You're up in a cage for no reason and then they won't let you down until you kiss.

[Hillary Matthews]

That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And they say it has. They keep saying it has to be a good K. To be honest, I.

[Hillary Matthews]

Don'T know what part of it is a game. You know, I wouldn't even qualify classify it as that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I guess it's a game to them in some sort of, you know, squid game kind of way that they're these. And they were wearing those weird masks.

[Hillary Matthews]

They were. They were.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And they talk like this.

[Hillary Matthews]

No, it's gotta be a good kid. Now that sounds like Mitch McNutt.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Does it really?

[Hillary Matthews]

Yes. Remember how earlier you were having a hard time doing Mitch McNut? Because sometimes you struggle doing people's voices. Like Santa, for example.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What do you mean?

[Hillary Matthews]

I don't want to get into it. Okay. Because that's. Yes. Nope. It's not. It's not. Oh, hi, babe.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wait, we haven't even said who we are before we get to.

[Hillary Matthews]

Babe.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

My name is Burnt Me Apede.

[Hillary Matthews]

Before we even said who we were.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

My name is Burnt Me Apede. I am a. I. Well, the pharmacist in chief at the Dignity fallsmassy pharmacy.

[Hillary Matthews]

And I'm Joan Pedestrian. I'm the top realtor here and local actor of Dignity Falls. You said that kind of like with a hiccup. Because there was at some point in our last season, your job was in jeopardy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Hillary Matthews]

And that was because there was some. Okay. And you don't wanna go through that any further.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There's no I.

[Hillary Matthews]

Why? There's no. It's all fine.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That was in last season. Season Steven.

[Hillary Matthews]

It's sure. With season we don't have a name yet. Someone suggested Season Nate, which I really love.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Season Nate is nice. It's pretty good because it's almost like saying season eight.

[Hillary Matthews]

And I was just trying to also give it a female name, you know, because we did Steven. So I was suggesting Season Susan, which I like as well, but maybe Season Kate. Sure, sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, okay.

[Hillary Matthews]

I think that the double syllables for each word, there's something pleasing about it. That and eight is good because it sounds like season eight. See, that's clever. I love it. Right. No, I'm just saying why. I'm saying why.

[Doug]

And I think that's why they suggested too.

[Hillary Matthews]

No, I know that you guys, but I was just saying. I was explaining why that one syllable name was acceptable to me versus Kate.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Which is also one syllable.

[Hillary Matthews]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, but you like. But so you like the. The alliteration.

[Hillary Matthews]

Yeah. Or just the double meaning of it rather of season, Nate.

[Nicole Parker]

Right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, right. But what about season, Susan?

[Hillary Matthews]

I like the fact that it's double.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Double the alliteration.

[Hillary Matthews]

Double.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Double.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, the same number of syllables.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Double. Double on the syllables. And then animal style.

[Hillary Matthews]

I was just about to say that burnt and you took it out of my mouth.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I did.

[Hillary Matthews]

Just like last night.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. They said we can see the tongues. We'll know if you're not doing it.

[Hillary Matthews]

Sounds like bitch, Mick. Honestly, I don't know why we did that. But I probably have Covid now, so I do wish you would first of all. And you probably felt symptoms last night, so you probably should have. Oh, three days ago. I should have played this game. You should not have played this game.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I wanted to get out of here. What are we gonna tell our guests? I wanted to get out of there.

[Hillary Matthews]

Doug's the only one who's fine because he's in another room. Where are you right now, babe?

[Doug]

I am in the. The anti gravity room.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But now Doug and I kissed as well.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, I didn't. I wasn't there for that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, you. As soon as they opened that door, you ran out.

[Hillary Matthews]

I ran. It was awful.

[Doug]

I don't even mind that you two kissed or the. The random kissing game.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I hope we were forced to do it.

[Hillary Matthews]

Yeah. Pop up kissing. Yeah.

[Doug]

I just don't such a bottleneck into getting into the promenade.

[Hillary Matthews]

It's at the very mostly annoyed about.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You get like two feet onto the promenade and then they have to go in there.

[Doug]

Two.

[Hillary Matthews]

That's right. Two by two.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Every combination. Yeah. Yeah. The promenade. They. We need to do something about that.

[Hillary Matthews]

Yeah. Because it was. It used to be that it was on the water. It was beautiful. But now almost all the water has been. Has been taken out of our city, as we've discussed many times. And so now it's just. It's a lot of. We realize that at the bottom of it was all cement. So it's just cement and dead fish and. And lots of other. And some coins.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Skeletons and some coins. There's a few skeletons.

[Doug]

No, they have cars.

[Hillary Matthews]

Yeah, a couple cars for sure.

[Doug]

People voluntarily bring buckets of water and just throw them in. They're really trying, but it's not working.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, at the Very least, do a bucket brigade if you're gonna do that. Don't just one at a time.

[Hillary Matthews]

Bring yes. Because the bottleneck. It wouldn't work.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. And now I don't know if you realize this because there's so little water here. Now we're a bath society. In Dignity falls. No showers anymore. And people, if you. You got to make that bathwater count. And so people will. If you're the first one in. Good for you.

[Doug]

We gotta get water back.

[Hillary Matthews]

Terrible. Water back.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We gotta get it back.

[Hillary Matthews]

So wait, can you explain the anti gravity room to me, babe? Oh, yeah, we kind of.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'd like to know about that too.

[Hillary Matthews]

Because that was kind of a big. Oh. Oh, God.

[Doug]

That is just Fire this up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is that the sound of the gravity being turned off?

[Hillary Matthews]

Yeah. How does it work? Is this like you being in one of those skydive simulators in Vegas?

[Doug]

So there is gravity. It's a bit of a misnomer.

[Hillary Matthews]

Okay.

[Doug]

I can't just get rid of the gravity, but sure you can. Just cover it in fans.

[Hillary Matthews]

Cover the gravity like.

[Doug]

No, cover the room in industrial strength fan so that I lit industrial strength.

[Hillary Matthews]

So you are basically. Oh, geez. Then what happens? Do you just fall to the ground? Fall to the ground violently.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And they're all battery operated fans.

[Doug]

This seems I got up a couple inches there. It takes a. I need. I think I need more fans now.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wait, you cover the room or just the floor?

[Hillary Matthews]

So many made it sound like the floor. Sorry. The whole entire room right now I.

[Doug]

Only have a few, but eventually.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How many fans do you have?

[Doug]

I think everywhere.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How many fans do you have?

[Doug]

A few is three.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's what? In my book, a couple is two, a few is three, and several is seven.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, really?

[Doug]

Yes, that's right.

[Hillary Matthews]

Didn't know that. It sounds like you're in one of those skydives in a dozen.

[Doug]

We all know that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I mean, the noise.

[Hillary Matthews]

I don't know. Now I want you to answer just to make sure, babe.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The noise certainly sounds like he's in one. But then the description sounds like. Like he's in a room with.

[Hillary Matthews]

Very shoddy. Yes, exactly.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But you say you caught some air. You actually got up in the air.

[Doug]

Oh, yeah, There's a couple inches there.

[Hillary Matthews]

Okay.

[Doug]

Yeah, yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Couple inches. Three fans. But they're big.

[Hillary Matthews]

Their.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Their industrial strength is used.

[Hillary Matthews]

Do you just. You turn the fans on, then you kind of just leap over them?

[Doug]

Yes. Hold on, hold on.

[Hillary Matthews]

That was the leap.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are you hovering right now, Doug?

[Hillary Matthews]

Are you getting in the air?

[Doug]

No, hold on.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're just laying on the fans.

[Hillary Matthews]

He's still trying to jump.

[Doug]

Oh, that's a good idea. I'm going to lay over them.

[Hillary Matthews]

Well, but that could be dangerous, babe. You could get cut by the blades.

[Doug]

Oh, that's a good point. No, but I am hovering. Okay, this is great, you guys. Okay, if I can get. If I can get it a little quieter in here. I love that it ran out of batteries.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I love that the batteries don't last long.

[Hillary Matthews]

Okay, we're gonna shut down because the power is literally gonna get shut down in the whole city. I think this is worse than anything you've done. Even the. Even the H Vac you inst. For the Ice Cold Mountain Beer Room.

[Doug]

You love to bring that up. And I don't consider it.

[Hillary Matthews]

Let me be very clear. I don't love to bring it up. I just have to bring it up because it seems to come up a lot when you build something else like this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I mean, you're the one who brings it up.

[Hillary Matthews]

I'm the one who had to live it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's true.

[Hillary Matthews]

He had an entire room dedicated to ice cold, freezing mountaintop beer and carrots.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Which he decided goes perfectly. That's right.

[Doug]

And I set up a cam, like a webcam on the Coors Light box.

[Hillary Matthews]

Like a live eagle cam. Anyone could check in and see when someone's getting a beer.

[Doug]

Remember they did the logo live eagle cam.

[Hillary Matthews]

You haven't heard about this live eagle cam? Oh, well, there's something going on in California where these two bald eagles.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, there's one.

[Hillary Matthews]

Burnt. Is not a fan of California ever since he got off a plane, went to Disneyland, stepped right in the gates. It was too overwhelming. Right around him. Saw those flowers, Saw those flowers. It was too much. And so he doesn't like California. But in California, they have a webcam trained on a nest up above the mountaintop, and they were hatching three eggs, and you could watch what was going on.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So it's a camera watching.

[Hillary Matthews]

Similar to. Yes, it's similar to. It's similar to the roach watch that we have. No, it's not Chatroulette. We have a roach watch in Dignity Falls. And it's just not as exciting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's disgusting, frankly.

[Hillary Matthews]

And they're boning all the time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, that's mostly what's happening. It took me a while to figure out that's what was going on.

[Hillary Matthews]

Yes, because they're head to head. Right? That's how it happens.

[Doug]

Yeah, they do a missionary.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They're not very Adventurous.

[Hillary Matthews]

That's why they're headed.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They're not very adventurous.

[Hillary Matthews]

They're all middle aged roaches.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They're very white.

[Doug]

Their T shirts are on.

[Hillary Matthews]

Still, the magic is T shirts.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Very vanilla roaches.

[Hillary Matthews]

There's a dog watching. For some reason.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The news is on. Anyway, I feel like we're making it sound more interesting than it is.

[Hillary Matthews]

We are actually. We just keep giving you more details that. But we should probably stop.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, probably.

[Doug]

But anyway, the. My cameras were set up to see the. The Coors bottle turn blue. Remember the mountains turn blue when it's cold enough.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, that's right. Yeah. I forgot that was the beginning of the story.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I forgot that detail.

[Doug]

Yeah.

[Hillary Matthews]

Okay. So can I ask what's going on with you? Burnt. When we last spoke, Gabby and you were gonna move in and I don't think I got to ask the question was it going to be into your place or hers?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She's going to move into my place.

[Hillary Matthews]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And once.

[Hillary Matthews]

Can I ask how that was decided?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who flipped a coin?

[Hillary Matthews]

Really?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We flipped a coin.

[Hillary Matthews]

You're kidding.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Hillary Matthews]

You were comfortable enough with. Oh yeah. An old dignity.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You flipped a dignik. You flipped a dignity. I like the commercial. Yes. You flipped a dignik.

[Hillary Matthews]

It's like your chocolate got in my peanut butter.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then the car raises its eyebrows somehow. Well, I don't remember whether it was a commercial. 4.

[Hillary Matthews]

I don't either. Yeah, but everyone walks around saying it. You flip the dignik.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, we say it all the time because we are our. Both of our places are of equal square footage. Okay, so it really.

[Hillary Matthews]

You just didn't care. You're like, I'm absolutely fine with the results.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, well, you know, I don't have a lot of possessions.

[Hillary Matthews]

True.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. I have. I have my ham radio.

[Hillary Matthews]

You have Connie.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I have Connie and my ventriloquist dummy. Yes. Whom I do not think is.

[Hillary Matthews]

I understand we cleared this up. I don't think that you think he is living. I get it. I get.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I just need to reinforce that.

[Hillary Matthews]

Okay. I know he's not sentient.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I have a toothbrush. Of course.

[Hillary Matthews]

Well, I should hope so. Everyone should. Four pairs of fans have a very bleak picture. Burnt.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why is it bleak?

[Hillary Matthews]

Well, you know what? I guess I mean to say that I'm glad that you're about to be living with someone.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Hillary Matthews]

Okay. So go on. So you flipped a dignic.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We flipped a dignic. And it came up heads.

[Hillary Matthews]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So she's moving into my place. And she's been moving. As I told you. She's Moving in very slowly. 1. She brings over one box of items at a time.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, that's gonna happen for a long time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Hillary Matthews]

Yeah. That's not gonna stop for a while.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's like a.

[Hillary Matthews]

Might not stop ever.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's like wading into the pool, you know, to get used to the.

[Hillary Matthews]

So how are you feeling? Is a lot of pillows.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I beg your pardon?

[Hillary Matthews]

Is it a lot of pillows?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Does Gabby have a lot of pillows?

[Hillary Matthews]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know what? Now that you mentioned it, she does have a lot of pillows. She loves them.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, I love them, too. I was just asking. Not like every woman loves pillows. I just said. That's just my question.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

At her place, she doesn't have a bed.

[Hillary Matthews]

No kidding.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is all pillows.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, I see. She's a pillow sleeper.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's like living in a. In a sultan's tent.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, okay. So that's gonna be a lot of pillows.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, it's a lot of pillows. Okay.

[Hillary Matthews]

But how is it. How is that going? So she's moving stuff in.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. She's brought some framed photos.

[Hillary Matthews]

Okay. Oh, there's a cuckoo clock. And you brought it here?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I brought it here. I hope you don't mind.

[Hillary Matthews]

It's okay. It's charming because we have a lot of clocks already.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's true.

[Hillary Matthews]

As you know.

[Doug]

That's why it's charming.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

As I know.

[Hillary Matthews]

Okay. So you're doing okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, it's actually, it's been very pleasant. You know, I was very apprehensive at first, and I was getting hives and such.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, okay. That sounds serious.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But now it's fine. I just get a sort of. When she brings a new box, I just get a sort of flushing in my face.

[Hillary Matthews]

Uh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, yeah, but that's. That's as far as it goes.

[Hillary Matthews]

Well, I think that's far enough. I think that it's worth investigating.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, it's a nice heat, and Gabby likes it. She'll, like, rub it.

[Hillary Matthews]

Okay, now you're adding that there's temperature. She'll rub her. To touch. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hot to the touch.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, that is it. That's an indicator.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And she'll, like, sort of nuzzle her. Her cheek against mine.

[Hillary Matthews]

Okay. Instead, she should take you to urgent care.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She calls me her little furnace.

[Hillary Matthews]

Okay, well, this is just. I don't know about this. I think that you might experience it. No, I think you're experiencing some anxiety.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, no, I. Of course I am.

[Hillary Matthews]

Well, I know, but I mean, I. Do you really get better?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm saying it's getting better. Yes, Well, I started with hives. And remember I was passing out.

[Hillary Matthews]

Didn't remember that. Please talk about that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I was passing out.

[Hillary Matthews]

When. When.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

When we would talk about it, I would sort of.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, dear.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I would sort of. Everything would go, like, staticky, and then I would. I would come to, and Gabby would be shaking me.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sometimes slapping my face. I don't.

[Hillary Matthews]

I mean, listen, I love Gabby. She's a sweetheart. When I met her. But there are some things. There are some things that this. Sometimes I just want to make sure that you're okay, because I'm not sure I want her just slapping you or maybe just sitting near my little furnace when you've got some. You've got some clinical issues going on that you can see well.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But. Yeah, you're being too overprotective.

[Hillary Matthews]

What do you want? My mom brain kicking in? I'm sorry. Just want to take care of you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A mom brain kicking in. I know.

[Hillary Matthews]

All right, but if you say you're fine, I'm gonna. But I'm gonna cheap check in.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And the problem is not Gabby. The problem, of course, is it comes from me, and I am dealing with it. And I think it's getting better.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh. Well, in a relationship, I mean, there's always two people in it. You can't just say, everything's always my fault.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

People in a relationship. But everything is my fault.

[Hillary Matthews]

No, no. But I don't think that that's right. I don't think that's right. Burnt. I really don't. Like, a lot of things are Doug's fault, and a lot of things are my fault. Right, babe?

[Doug]

Sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, with you, too.

[Hillary Matthews]

Like, it's my fault because I, like, do too much for the family or, like, I made too much food for you, and that's my fault. And I give too many kisses. Right? My fault.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's like a job interview. I guess my one. My major fault is I care too much.

[Hillary Matthews]

I've said that a lot.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I bet you have. But, no, Gabby is nothing to be concerned about. Up. She's wonderful, and I live for her.

[Hillary Matthews]

Okay, you closed your eyes on that last part when you said that, so I just don't know what that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Picturing her.

[Hillary Matthews]

Okay, well, fine. I'll just let that go.

[Doug]

Surely you have prescriptions for yourself, you know, for your hives and everything.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, yeah, Good point. Do you ever prescribe things for yourself? Yeah, you're just kind of.

[Doug]

Can you do that?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No.

[Hillary Matthews]

Yeah, he shouldn't. I mean, that sounds very unethical.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I only fill prescriptions. Yes, it is not my to prescribe. I can. Can make a face if I feel like the doctor has misprescribed something.

[Doug]

Oh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If somebody comes up and they say this, you know, I'm here for this prescription, and I can sort of assess what is wrong with them, and if I want, I can roll my eyes and hand it to them.

[Hillary Matthews]

I see. That's something you can do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm allowed to say this is as far as it goes. I'm allowed to say good luck.

[Doug]

No, you'll need it. You ever say that?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I can't say that.

[Doug]

Oh, you can't?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's implied.

[Hillary Matthews]

I think Doug was just getting into.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's implied.

[Hillary Matthews]

He was just getting into it. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's funny.

[Hillary Matthews]

Funny. He was just role playing a little bit.

[Nicole Parker]

It.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Doug]

And that's my fault.

[Hillary Matthews]

That is your fault, babe.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But now, John, what's going on with you?

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, okay. Well, as you know, the twins, you know, they're after their Chick Fil, A pilot, didn't work out. They decided to move back in. They've been very sad. And then they decided to write me a show and cast me in it. And this is the, of course, gender bending Mr. Doubtfire.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And, well, it's a gender bending Mrs. Doubt called Mrs. Doubtfire.

[Hillary Matthews]

You're right. It's a gender bending Mrs. DouBTfire called Mr. Doubtfire. And. And I'm realizing now the only reason why they wanted to do that, it wasn't for, like, female empowerment or anything like that. It's because the word fires in the title, and so they love fire. So they've been pyromaniacs for as long as I've known them. And of course, I'm talking about my twin boys, Matt and Mr.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Fantastic.

[Hillary Matthews]

Mr. Fantastic. And, you know, I just. And I think also naming him, that was not good either, because I think he thought he was a bit of a superhero.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think it's aspirational, though.

[Hillary Matthews]

Sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

To name a child Mr. Fantastic.

[Hillary Matthews]

Well, as long as you know that they're not going to be fire addicts.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. At least you didn't name the Human Torch.

[Hillary Matthews]

Thank God. I just gave birth to two of them, that's all. So I think that they're just a little bit confused as to what the story should be. Okay, so we're in development. We're having development problems.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're in development hell?

[Hillary Matthews]

Yeah, I'm in development hell. Oh. And always on a deadline.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So here's what I understand. The story, the story of Mrs. Doubtfire is terrible. Dad.

[Hillary Matthews]

And then please remember to mention the few things that you will remember from it. What are the lines you remember?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Run by, fruit, fruiting.

[Hillary Matthews]

Run by, drive by. It's still drive by fruiting. Are we gonna fight about this? It's dry by.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're not gonna fight about it, okay? I stopped talking after I said drive.

[Hillary Matthews]

By fruiting is not good. He would have never improvised. I know that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do we have to look it up?

[Hillary Matthews]

Yes, we do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We have to look it up.

[Hillary Matthews]

I think we should, because we left it. We left it hanging.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I feel like I've been corrected when I've said drive by fruit.

[Hillary Matthews]

Doug's gonna look it up. Drive by fruit.

[Doug]

It has to be drive by fruit.

[Hillary Matthews]

Drive by fruit. I can hear him saying it in my head.

[Doug]

No one does a run by.

[Hillary Matthews]

I'm working on the accent, too, because I'm still going to do it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I have been corrected by more than one person about this.

[Hillary Matthews]

You're kidd. Believe this movie came up that many times?

[Doug]

Wait a minute.

[Hillary Matthews]

No. What?

[Doug]

Oh. Oh, no, no.

[Hillary Matthews]

What does it say, babe?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Doug, are you okay? You sound like you've gone pale.

[Hillary Matthews]

You do sound pale.

[Doug]

I'm. I'm so afraid to click on this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Doug, you sound sick to your stomach.

[Hillary Matthews]

What's the matter? Oh, he's playing the scene. He's playing the scene. Miranda Hillards. The sound of Pierce Brosnan.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's the sound of Pierce Brosnan. You.

[Hillary Matthews]

A guy who's never having kids.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Won't have anything to do with kids. Who's that? Date a woman who's got kids?

[Hillary Matthews]

I don't know. Is that the bartender? Bystander.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

40. He's got an awful lot of baggage, though. Three kids.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, who is this?

[Doug]

He's just a guy at the bar.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I've seen that guy in Things. Yeah, sure.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, how can you see it? Bert?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's. Look at the tv.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, good. He put it on the tv.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Thank you for piping that through.

[Hillary Matthews]

Thank you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There's Mrs. Doubtfire. This is the most Mrs. Doubtfire I've ever seen.

[Hillary Matthews]

This has once again become a movie podcast. We're watching a movie on this podcast, so.

[Doug]

I'm so afraid.

[Hillary Matthews]

Here we go. Here we go. That's a great sound effect. Oh, sir, here comes some angry member of the kitchen staff. Did you not tip them? Oh, the terrorists. They ran that way. It was a run by. Oh, my God.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What now, look.

[Hillary Matthews]

You know why? It's because he said they ran that way, and that's why he said it. I cannot believe this. And I. I'm questioning everything.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It should be dry by Fruit.

[Hillary Matthews]

It should be dry by fruity. Oh, okay.

[Doug]

I have to lay down.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can you. I have to lay down. But you have to lay down on the loud fans.

[Hillary Matthews]

You just lay down on the ground.

[Doug]

It's pretty comfortable.

[Hillary Matthews]

It's so loud. It can't be comfortable. There's no way it's comfortable, babe.

[Doug]

All right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, no batteries. Run by fruiting.

[Hillary Matthews]

I am. I am shook.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So here's what I know.

[Hillary Matthews]

Okay?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Run by fruiting.

[Hillary Matthews]

Okay. I'm never gonna contest it again.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you. Hello.

[Hillary Matthews]

Yes. It's very good, by the way. Face in the whipped cream.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Tits on fire.

[Hillary Matthews]

Tits on fire.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The whole time. The whole time. The whole time.

[Hillary Matthews]

You're right. That Sally Field, iconic, having hot flashes. Oh, that's a good one, babe.

[Doug]

Did you know that one?

[Hillary Matthews]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No.

[Hillary Matthews]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is that what, the tits.

[Hillary Matthews]

It's right after the tits on fire. I'm having hot flashes. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Does his face go out in the street at some point?

[Hillary Matthews]

It does. And it gets run over. And then Harvey Firespeak's like, be nice to this one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He gives him a new face.

[Hillary Matthews]

He does.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. And I also know. I also know I haven't heard in a while.

[Hillary Matthews]

I don't get to bring it out often.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I also know that he. Robin Williams plays a voiceover artist.

[Hillary Matthews]

Yes, he does.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And he is doing a voiceover for a cartoon which has already been animated.

[Hillary Matthews]

Correct.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's improvised.

[Hillary Matthews]

It's a Figaro. Yes. It's a bird. Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's improvising. But you can't do that because it's already been.

[Nicole Parker]

It wouldn't work.

[Hillary Matthews]

It would never work unless it's already been well established. And they know that that's what this guy loves to do, is go off book.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But they're mad at him, right? They're like, stop doing that.

[Hillary Matthews]

No one likes the whole movie.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No one likes him. No one likes him. No one likes.

[Hillary Matthews]

I see what you did. You did the Sally Field, right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I was having fun.

[Hillary Matthews]

We have fun here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And that's what I know about Mrs. Doubtfire.

[Hillary Matthews]

Well, I now apparently don't know anything about Mrs. Quoted it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're questioning.

[Hillary Matthews]

And you know who else doesn't know anything about Mrs. Doubtfire? My boys.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So now.

[Hillary Matthews]

So they're really working through it because what they were like, sorry, go on. You have questions.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If it's a gender swapped.

[Hillary Matthews]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That means you are terrible mom. To connect with your children, you become a caretaker. Mr. Doubts.

[Hillary Matthews]

Let's just say, like, I up a lot. You know, I'm not a terrible mom. I love My kids, I think a.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Mom who up a lot.

[Hillary Matthews]

Well, I have a hard time knowing that that's. They thought of. They're like, mom, you're perfect for this. And then I read it and I was a terrible mom and I felt very bad about it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm saying the character, not you personally.

[Hillary Matthews]

Well, I mean, just explain that to Matt and Mr. Fantastic.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I'd rather not talk to them. So. So what is the. What is the lady.

[Hillary Matthews]

Well, so that's the thing is that instead of her coming back as a. As a. Like a Scottish Manny. Because that's what I thought it was going to be, right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That was the best. I have to say, perfect. I never heard bigger pause, but more.

[Hillary Matthews]

Came up than I thought was going to. I had to deal with it. Sorry, everybody. But what they think in their mind is she comes back as like a. As a superhero, right? Like literally just a. And again just throws fireballs. Like, I looked at pages and it just throws fireball. Doubtfire throws fireball. Doubtfire throws fireball. I'm like, boys, you can't do this. This is not even the story. This is not even. And they're like, no, mom, it's gonna be so cool. And I'm like, what do you mean? How does that even gonna work? And they go, oh, we literally just do that thing. You know.

[Doug]

Everyone in the. The first half of the film goes, I doubt fire.

[Hillary Matthews]

Yes, they do. And I was so disappointed that that's actually what they did. I was so disappointed that that's as far as their brains worked.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Hillary Matthews]

So right now it's not going well. I'm not. I'm gonna say right now I'm not sure the project is. Has got any legs, but. But I. I love. Again, first of all, as I always say, I'm just glad they're alive. And second of all, I Them working again at something because they were so depressed, you know, for the last couple of weeks. So like I said, I said several things on fire to cheer them up. Didn't do anything for them. So it is too bad. So that's. That's what's happening right now. Okay. And how long have we been talking, babe? I feel like maybe that's long enough.

[Doug]

Let's see here.

[Hillary Matthews]

How are you feeling? Burnt. I mean, I'm gonna go get a mask. I hope you don't get upset about that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, you gotten so soon. I thought it was a Mr. Doubtfire thing. Will you have extensive prosthetics?

[Hillary Matthews]

Yes, but it's. What at first they had me Again, because he's a. She's a. He's a. He's a fire. He's a Scottish Manny slash superhero.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right.

[Hillary Matthews]

Who was burned horribly. So it's like a Freddy Krueger look they have for me right now. I don't want to be in that outfit. I don't want to be in that get up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is it the same kind of sweater?

[Hillary Matthews]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He wore a Christmas sweater year round.

[Hillary Matthews]

I do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Freddy. Freddy Krueger.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, yes. I never thought about it as. As a holiday sweater.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Interesting ensemble he wore.

[Hillary Matthews]

It is. I know. And then a fedora. I mean, who. It's basically just every hipster in Los Angeles.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What kind of pants does he wear? Just like some black.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, I bet. Slacks. Absolutely. Slacks. Yeah. For sure that he got them. A thrift store flat front. Yep. I never even thought about it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We have to think about Freddy Krueger slacks sometimes.

[Hillary Matthews]

We do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Because if you want to dress up as him, you gotta get it right.

[Hillary Matthews]

You do have, right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Hillary Matthews]

How about. How about it, babe?

[Doug]

26.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, perfect.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Feels great.

[Nicole Parker]

Definitely.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, we're going to take a break and when we come back, we will have a guest here on the neighborhood. Listen.

[Nicole Parker]

Ever wish your dog could join in on the neighborhood stories from Dignity Falls? If they could talk, they'd probably ask for Ollie. Ollie delivers fresh whole food meals made in US Kitchens with high quality human grade ingredients. There are no fillers or preservatives, just real food gently cooked and delivered fresh with five protein first recipes like fresh beef with sweet potatoes or fresh turkey with blueberries. Your dog might eat better than you do. Ollie even creates a custom meal plan based on your pup's needs so every dog gets the right nutrition. Dogs deserve the best and that means fresh, healthy food. Head to ollie.com freshpup Tell them all about your dog and use code F R E S H p u p to to get 60% off your welcome kit when you subscribe today. Plus, they offer a clean bowl guarantee on the first box. So if you're not completely satisfied, you'll get your money back. That's O L L I-e.com freshpup and enter code F R-E-S-H-P-U P to get 60% off your first box.

[Hillary Matthews]

Hi, everybody, this is Donna. I have a snowman cookie jar for $5. Ceramic snowman cookie jar with star lid. Excellent condition. No design in both sides. Smoke and pet free home. Cash only. Pickup only. Sorry for all the rules, y'all, but this is a really great cookie jar. As you can see, you just take his head clean off.

[Doug]

You just.

[Hillary Matthews]

You just rip off that head and you dig into his body and you grab the cookies. If you look at this too long, it doesn't make sense. So just don't. I'm only asking for $5 for crepe's sake. And you know, it's around that time of the year. We're on the opposite end of Christmas. I figure it's a good time to unload some. Some of the knickknacks, some of the bric a br. You know what I mean? Some of the tchotchkes. Okay, come down, get it. $5 pick up only. Cash only.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Welcome back to the neighborhood. Listen. Well, Joan, we have a guest.

[Hillary Matthews]

I'm still reeling by Run by from. Run by fruiting. I'm sorry, I'm really. It's going to take me a minute to get over it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you need a cold compress?

[Hillary Matthews]

No, I don't need anything from you. You've given me enough in the last 24 hours.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Don't blame me.

[Hillary Matthews]

I kind of think I can when.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is weirdos on the promenade.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, geez, you had it for three days. All right, go ahead.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So this is. We do have a post to read here. This is from somebody in the neighborhood. Posted this to the Neighborhap, the social networking application for neighborhoods. Now we go through the Neighborhap, we look for some interesting neighbors to talk to. If you would like to send us a post that perhaps you think we've missed, feel free to screenshot it and send it to [e-mail] this one comes to us from a listener. Brent Jensen sent this in and thank you, Brent. This one is posted by someone named Kathy. Kathy says in the for sale free section, ping pong, table tennis and no beer pong. This is for young families. $100. That is the headline. There's a picture of a blue ping pong table and the description reads almost new. Would like to give it young family special wide stoop for standing for small ones.

[Hillary Matthews]

Is there a picture, Burns?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There is a picture. I'm having trouble identifying the special wide stoop.

[Hillary Matthews]

Where's the special white?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I do not see the special white Stu.

[Hillary Matthews]

Never heard those words together ever.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then it goes on to say, forget beer pong people.

[Hillary Matthews]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Send pick of young family. Oh, many are interest. Do not all caps. Contact me with unsolicited services or offers.

[Hillary Matthews]

Heavens.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And here to tell us more is Kathy. Kathy, welcome to the neighborhood.

[Hillary Matthews]

Listening.

[Nicole Parker]

Thank you so much. Thank you for having me.

[Hillary Matthews]

Of course. Our pleasure.

[Nicole Parker]

I am here to talk about this beer pong. I mean. Excuse me. Sorry.

[Hillary Matthews]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Sorry. Yeah, that was Freudian. Do you guys know about Freud?

[Hillary Matthews]

We're aware. I'm aware. I'm familiar.

[Nicole Parker]

So that. So my brain just did that. Because that's the exact opposite.

[Hillary Matthews]

That's exactly what you don't want.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. Yeah. I'm selling my ping pong table, and I'm having some trouble attracting the right clients. Clientele, I would say, which is why I'm here to try to get the word out to the kind of right buyers that I'm interested in selling to.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, so then would I be correct in saying that you've had this up for a while, but the only people that have come over are, like, frat boys who want to play beer pong? Yes. Got it. Thank you.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That was on my mind as well.

[Hillary Matthews]

Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

You would be shocked at. At how many frat boys exist in Dignity Falls.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, well, as we have discussed before, this is kind of weird. We have Fraternity Row, which is actually just a long street, and it's all brothers, and they're married, and they all live in house, but they do all the normal fraternity things.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right.

[Hillary Matthews]

People are very upset about it because.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They'Re not in college.

[Hillary Matthews]

Houses, not in college.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, but they are frat.

[Hillary Matthews]

They're acting like it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They are frat.

[Hillary Matthews]

And everyone's tired of it. I bet Kathy. I bet you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, Doug, that's not helping.

[Hillary Matthews]

You shouldn't be going to them. So I bet you that's what's happening.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Even though you're all the same age, you should not be going to those.

[Hillary Matthews]

Frat parties for sure.

[Nicole Parker]

And that is a really big problem because, you know, if any of these married fraternity brothers had children, and none.

[Hillary Matthews]

Of them will have children. They refuse. No. Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

If they were all young and had a family that constituted a young family, there wouldn't be this problem.

[Hillary Matthews]

But can I ask you why. And this might be personal right off the bat. I know you just got here, but. But why is it so personal to you? Why is it personally upsetting to how they use it? Because don't you just need to get rid of it? It's out of your house.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What do you care?

[Nicole Parker]

You know, so sue me. I think that ethics in this world are a dying breed. And. And I think that we, as. As an individual person, we need to be responsible about our possessions, how we dispose of them. And, you know, you. You recycle, don't you?

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, she's looking right at me. And I feel.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She really is.

[Nicole Parker]

I can't look at her because I. Joan. Joan. Real estate agent, local actress. Do you recycle or don't do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There's no doubt it's you.

[Doug]

You really gotta clear your throat, babe.

[Hillary Matthews]

I'm having a really big trouble with this.

[Doug]

Big trouble.

[Hillary Matthews]

Big trouble. I just muppet gulped. So I do recycle. Now, here's my question. I don't recycle, but then run out to see what they're doing with that milk carton. I don't care what they do with it. I don't. Now, maybe that means I have bad, bad ethics.

[Nicole Parker]

But you presume that they will be recycling it. No.

[Hillary Matthews]

Well, sure, but isn't beer pong still recycling it? And if these are responsible men in their late 30s, let's face it, they're, you know, they're not. They're just doing this in their own home. There's just something you find very, very vulgar. You find it vulgar. Okay, I get it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Your problem with beer pong is you find it vulgar.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You would rather not contribute to this vulgarity.

[Nicole Parker]

No.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

For $100, no. And let me ask you, are these guys, these frat bros, when they. When they inquire about the table, are they saying, we want it for beer pong, or are you just sort of assuming?

[Hillary Matthews]

That's a good question.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, at first they were pretty upfront about it. Okay.

[Hillary Matthews]

They were saying they wanted it for beer pong.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Hillary Matthews]

Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

And then I. I said no. I said, not its intended purpose.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right.

[Nicole Parker]

Then they came back. We fake mustaches.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, dear.

[Nicole Parker]

One of them was in a dress.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, okay.

[Nicole Parker]

And one of them was on his knees, with his knees in his shoes.

[Hillary Matthews]

And had a little.

[Nicole Parker]

He had a little hat on with a pinwheel. This is after I said, I'm only selling.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They were trying to be a young.

[Nicole Parker]

Subterfuge.

[Hillary Matthews]

It's like.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Subterfuge. Yes.

[Hillary Matthews]

It's like two. Two guys. And one of them's on his shoulders, but the trench coat's on the floor. That's what it feels.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Or draped over the shoulder.

[Hillary Matthews]

Or draped over the shoulder.

[Nicole Parker]

Hold on. Let me try to imagine that. Two guys on their shoulders.

[Hillary Matthews]

Well, one's on one. One' on the other shoulders.

[Nicole Parker]

And the trench coat got it wrong.

[Hillary Matthews]

Or draped over the shoulder, which I really liked. I like that addition. That was a good, nice image.

[Nicole Parker]

So one is kind of a detective movie. Tall detective. And the other is a seduction film. Oh, well, Seductive detective, sure.

[Hillary Matthews]

Seductive detective, yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Because kind of they came over with no clothes on under the trench coat and then dropped it.

[Hillary Matthews]

So then can I.

[Doug]

That could be an Evidently.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, boy. Yes, it should. Doug's pilot that he used to send to Seductive Detective, and it was contingent on appearing on the podcast. So you had to read his pilot. It was about a man named Lee who saw the evidence in a corrupt town. It was called Evidently.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can I punch up on the title and call it the Seductive?

[Hillary Matthews]

I was just thinking that, bird. We have the same brain.

[Nicole Parker]

That's great.

[Hillary Matthews]

The same brain. And we have now have the same germs.

[Nicole Parker]

I would watch that.

[Hillary Matthews]

I would, too. But let me ask you this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So that's okay with you? A seductive detective. A detective. A new detective wearing a trench coat.

[Nicole Parker]

As a cautionary tale? Yes.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, what can I ask. Why are you getting rid of the ping pong table? Let's start there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Great question, Joan.

[Hillary Matthews]

Thank you.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, I got it. And I am a woman in my late 50s.

[Hillary Matthews]

Okay. Well, you look great.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, thank you so much.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I would have guessed 51.

[Nicole Parker]

Wow.

[Hillary Matthews]

Wait, let's just let her talk.

[Nicole Parker]

Thank you. It's the Ponds Cold cream.

[Hillary Matthews]

Ah, it's always the Ponds.

[Nicole Parker]

You put it everywhere. You put it everywhere.

[Hillary Matthews]

And I mean, it works hard.

[Nicole Parker]

It works hard.

[Hillary Matthews]

Works hard. Harder than some men.

[Nicole Parker]

I heard that, Joan.

[Hillary Matthews]

Yes, you did, girlfriend. Yes, you did.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why does cold cream always sound delicious to me? Cold cream sounds yummy.

[Hillary Matthews]

Boy, Bert.

[Nicole Parker]

So I was playing against myself one day, caught a look at myself.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How did you do that?

[Nicole Parker]

It was running extremely fast.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're going back and forth on both.

[Hillary Matthews]

Sides of the table. I do know Doug used to do a thing where he would fold half of the table. And you could actually do it like that. In fact, Forest Gump is doing that in the movie Forrest Gump, where he's playing with it half folded up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Forest Gump's doing in that movie? What is the which movie was he doing that in?

[Hillary Matthews]

Chinatown.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Forget it.

[Hillary Matthews]

I will never figure it out. Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

With each.

[Hillary Matthews]

You were doing this.

[Nicole Parker]

My mother. My sister. My mother.

[Hillary Matthews]

My mother.

[Nicole Parker]

My sister.

[Hillary Matthews]

Are you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are you.

[Hillary Matthews]

You.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now, let me ask you this, Kathy. Do you have to hit the ball a little more slowly in order to give yourself time to run? Thank you.

[Nicole Parker]

Absolutely. It sounds exhausting.

[Hillary Matthews]

Is that how you normally did it?

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. And it was the workout of all workouts, let me tell you.

[Hillary Matthews]

So what changed?

[Nicole Parker]

Well, I caught. I caught glimpse of myself one day huffing and puffing in my rec room mirror. And I said, oh, this isn't the intended use for this Table. Oh, me as just a woman by myself in my late 50s.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Hillary Matthews]

Well, did you ever have people over and play with them? No.

[Nicole Parker]

Cuz again, that is not the intended use for the table.

[Hillary Matthews]

Okay, I'm going to need you to spell out for me what the intended use is.

[Nicole Parker]

Absolutely.

[Hillary Matthews]

Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

The table is for young families.

[Hillary Matthews]

Okay. You keep saying that.

[Nicole Parker]

As evidenced by the special wide stoop for small ones.

[Hillary Matthews]

Please describe it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Because in the picture there's no special wide stoop to be seen.

[Hillary Matthews]

No, there is. Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

Underneath the table.

[Hillary Matthews]

Let's get into it. Let's get into it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right, let me zoom in.

[Nicole Parker]

Go ahead and take another look.

[Doug]

Can you describe it?

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Doug]

Sws.

[Nicole Parker]

The. The table is on.

[Hillary Matthews]

It looks like it's just on stools.

[Nicole Parker]

Right. Like an A frame. Like a little A frame. Yeah, yeah. And then. And then nestled betwixt each A frame. Right.

[Hillary Matthews]

You're talking about that step or the shelf?

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Hillary Matthews]

How is a child supposed to watch ping pong there? They're underneath.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Under the table. Yes.

[Hillary Matthews]

That doesn't seem safe.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well under the lip of the table.

[Hillary Matthews]

Well under it.

[Nicole Parker]

Pardon me for saying. It does not say that the child can see the ping pong game.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh.

[Nicole Parker]

It just says that it's for standing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It does. They would have to be very small.

[Hillary Matthews]

How in the world can it be for families?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I would say, Joan, from looking at this, it would have to be a child standing who is not yet able to stand.

[Hillary Matthews]

It would be a newborn plate like the baby Jesus in a manger.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They would not be standing.

[Hillary Matthews]

They would not be standing.

[Nicole Parker]

But that's perfect because that is an extremely young family.

[Hillary Matthews]

Right. But Kathy, that means it's not for a young family. I guess it just means if mom and dad want to play ping pong, there's a place to put the baby. But that's never been a problem, you know. And if you meet it for young families, little kids, I gotta tell you, if you've ever played ping pong with a little kid, they're terrible. They're just terrible. It's a real hand eye coordination moment. It's hard for some adults to do it. So I, you know, I'm trying to figure out why you keep saying young families and you want the babies underneath the table. I just gonna need to explain that better.

[Nicole Parker]

I don't want the babies underneath the table. I'm saying it comes with a place to put them.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But now you're. Okay, Kathy, I do feel like you're perhaps being a little disingenuous. You're. You're counting that as a feature?

[Nicole Parker]

Fighting words. Burnt them. Fighting words.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I'm willing to take that fight. You're. You're counting this as a feature when it's just part of the construction of the table?

[Hillary Matthews]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

This is true.

[Hillary Matthews]

I'm not even sure that it is because we had a ping pong table for a long time. That I'm telling you, that is two other pieces of furniture that some dad Jimmy to put it on the. He got a table on the side of the road, I guarantee you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did a dad find a table on the side of the road and jimmy it onto the table?

[Nicole Parker]

No, I purchased this.

[Hillary Matthews]

You did? Just like this?

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. With the special white stoop?

[Hillary Matthews]

Yeah. It's attached.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. For small ones.

[Hillary Matthews]

For small ones. Okay. Well, I don't know what to say because I kind of feel like. Well, here's. Here's a question for you. What kind of upbringing did you have? What kind of a family life do you have? Do you live alone?

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, I live alone.

[Hillary Matthews]

Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

I have never had a young family of myself or my own.

[Hillary Matthews]

Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

I was.

[Hillary Matthews]

Young family of yourself?

[Nicole Parker]

I was raised in a scientific laboratory.

[Hillary Matthews]

Okay. This is really. This is definitely information we need.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

When you say you were raised in a laboratory.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Does that include a bed? Bed.

[Hillary Matthews]

Good question.

[Nicole Parker]

Extremely offensive question. Actually, I'm a human being. I get it. The curiosity is natural. But yes, I had a bed.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Hillary Matthews]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

In. In the lab.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

My consciousness was turned on at age 12.

[Hillary Matthews]

Whoa. What does that mean, whoa?

[Nicole Parker]

Just like most people.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, honey, I hate to tell you that's not like most people.

[Nicole Parker]

No?

[Hillary Matthews]

No. Did. Were the. Were there other children in this facility?

[Nicole Parker]

Of course. Course.

[Hillary Matthews]

Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

I never saw them.

[Hillary Matthews]

So then how do you know Morse code?

[Nicole Parker]

Through the vents.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How did you learn Morse code?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, they taught it to us in schools. And they said, don't use this to talk past your bedtimes.

[Hillary Matthews]

So what do you remember exactly? Since your conscious wasn't turned on until 12.

[Nicole Parker]

Right. Yeah. So at age 12, I came to. In a bed? Yes. Burnt.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, wow. She's really not.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She's not gonna let it go. She's not gonna let it. Let it go.

[Hillary Matthews]

It doesn't seem like she should be the one with a smug upper hand. But she is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I did ask a presumptuous question.

[Hillary Matthews]

You sure did.

[Nicole Parker]

I then experienced one on one tutoring.

[Hillary Matthews]

Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

For two hours a day, but were.

[Hillary Matthews]

You made to do anything out of the ordinary? Suppose it wouldn't be to you, but did you have to do tests or did you have to do exercises.

[Doug]

Were you in, like, a glass room?

[Hillary Matthews]

He's picturing stranger things.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, no, no, no. It's, again, very offensive. It's not like that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I was gonna say he gets away with that, but thank God she called him.

[Hillary Matthews]

I think it helps.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I thought his question was worse, actually.

[Hillary Matthews]

Let's not. Let's not get into all that. Let's figure out what. What? You were tutored. But then what else did you have to do? Because. What is it you said you were. Scientifically, you were. You were. What did she say? What is the word? I can't even remember the phrase that you said.

[Doug]

This is an open floor plan laboratory.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, no, no, no, because Doug needs.

[Hillary Matthews]

To get his head around the architecture.

[Nicole Parker]

Of it all, actually.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Separate dining rooms.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, it was very. It was very concept room heavy.

[Hillary Matthews]

It was many rooms.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, the children are in different rooms. We'd knock on the vents, communicate to each other through the vents.

[Hillary Matthews]

And you never saw them? So then did you ever leave your room?

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Hillary Matthews]

And then what'd you leave your room to do?

[Nicole Parker]

To do my two hour tutoring.

[Hillary Matthews]

And that's it.

[Nicole Parker]

And then also they'd put us into kind of an open grassy area, and we would sprint around, we'd play ping pong against ourselves, but alone.

[Hillary Matthews]

He was.

[Nicole Parker]

Why do you think I developed that skill?

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, this makes so much sense.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So it was a bunch of kids, but they're all playing ping pong against themselves.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

In an open field.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Hillary Matthews]

And that's it. I'm confused as to what this was even for.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, we also had crafts period. Okay, okay. So that could involve yarn. It could involve popsicle sticks. You know, and then we had reading period. And that's when I actually was introduced to the idea of. Of young family place.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, dear. This is just a sad story.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What was your intro to young families? I don't think it's that sad.

[Hillary Matthews]

It sounds burnt.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, they got to do crafts and play.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, my goodness. I think. I think that the Gabby moving in of it all is really hitting you harder because you want to be in this facility where your consciousness is not turned on until you're 12.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Come on now, Joan. Come on now.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, no.

[Doug]

You're doing harm.

[Hillary Matthews]

You're breaking. You're warm to the top touch. You really are. You're breaking out into those hives again.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right, well, now you're so afraid of germs, but you're touching me.

[Hillary Matthews]

Well, yes, because I'm concerned again. It's the mom instinct. I can't help it. All right, well, I'm gonna keep an eye on you. Okay. Go on, Kathy. Sorry.

[Nicole Parker]

So it really wasn't that bad.

[Hillary Matthews]

What was it that you were reading that introduced you?

[Nicole Parker]

Nancy Drew. The Harvey. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

When I think of young families.

[Hillary Matthews]

Yes. Family.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, yes, yes.

[Hillary Matthews]

The Drew family was a real moment.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Bottle and the Hardy Boys. I always remember their portly friend Chet. Poor guy. Always described as portly.

[Hillary Matthews]

They were always having family adventures. Right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, they tell their family later.

[Hillary Matthews]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think there's always, like, a dinner at the end.

[Hillary Matthews]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They'll be like, we had an adventure.

[Hillary Matthews]

Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

Exactly. The Swiss family. The Swiss Young family. Robinson.

[Hillary Matthews]

Swiss Young family.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So that's a family.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. Yes. So I just developed an interest and then was released from the facility at age 18.

[Hillary Matthews]

And were you given any kind of reintroduction or reintegration to the world?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I would say integration.

[Hillary Matthews]

Sorry. Well, I just couldn't find the word at first. Because you know what? I'm starting to feel the effects of what you've given me, so I have a brain fog.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Joan, don't be dramatic.

[Hillary Matthews]

We had to not be dramatic.

[Nicole Parker]

They designed an online course for us to take about living in the world that we would.

[Hillary Matthews]

Boy, I'm so fascinated what that said. What did it say?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, it said things.

[Hillary Matthews]

Fun. Burnt. Are you running a fever? This is not okay. None of your reactions to this are normal.

[Nicole Parker]

It was fun.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you.

[Hillary Matthews]

Just because she thinks it was fun doesn't mean it was.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sounds so bad.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, my word. What did it say? It was like a video.

[Nicole Parker]

It was a video and kind of interactive tests you had to complete at the end of each section. Like the dmv. I don't know if you've ever. That was a big section with.

[Hillary Matthews]

We have been at the dmv. We're familiar with the dmv.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And that was a big section.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, huge. Navigating that Costco was a section.

[Hillary Matthews]

Of course it was. It has to be. I wish. I wish I had an integration for Costco.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right. They ought to have. They'd have one of those videos at Costco like they have at the beginning of Jurassic Park.

[Nicole Parker]

It's a good idea.

[Hillary Matthews]

Kirkland DNA. Okay, so did they provide you with housing? I mean, they can't just spit you out into the world. You don't know how anything works.

[Nicole Parker]

They provided us with housing.

[Hillary Matthews]

Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

And we had to make our own beds.

[Hillary Matthews]

Okay. And that was. That was the real. That was the culture shock.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. Yes. Never had had to do that before.

[Hillary Matthews]

I wouldn't have thought that they would have made Their bed. Your beds. For you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. That is kind of surprising, right?

[Hillary Matthews]

You had to do everything by yourself. You're kept alone.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Hillary Matthews]

Someone made your bed for you.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, yes. I was a child for. For. For most. Most of it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But, I mean, that is something you teach children to do.

[Hillary Matthews]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

See, and I don't know this because I've never been a part of a young family, dear.

[Hillary Matthews]

I mean, you know, you've just never been a part of a family. Families don't stay young forever, you know.

[Nicole Parker]

Right. And those need not apply now.

[Hillary Matthews]

Why. So, then. Okay, so you. I understand that you're very unorthodox.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm so sorry. What is the cutoff for you for how old a family?

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, what a great question.

[Nicole Parker]

It's a really good question. I.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you.

[Nicole Parker]

Have been waking up in the middle of the night to kind of try to hash through this myself, because if you.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, no, because I've been.

[Nicole Parker]

I realize it's ambiguous.

[Hillary Matthews]

Kevy, how long have you been in this. In this life? How long? How long. How old are you? You're 56. Something.

[Nicole Parker]

I am in my late.

[Hillary Matthews]

And you are still just. She's still. It's been years. Decades. And she's still grappling with this life.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Hillary Matthews]

Well, don't you find that haunting?

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, indeed. But I've only seen.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

To me, it seems she's at peace with the life, the thing she's grappling with. How young is a young family?

[Hillary Matthews]

All right, how young is a young family for you? What's the. I've only.

[Nicole Parker]

To be fair, I've only been trying to sell the table for 18 months. Okay, so that isn't as long as.

[Hillary Matthews]

But she's still not answering your question.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Question. That's true. You're not answering my question, Kathy, which was.

[Hillary Matthews]

What's a young family? What's the cut off?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What's the cut off?

[Nicole Parker]

So I think we can all agree that if you are a family that has children 0 to 10, parents could be any age.

[Hillary Matthews]

It's the kids that make them the young family.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, I'm just starting off with something that we can all agree on, a reality we can all get down with, then you bring into it. What if the parents are their. Their 60s?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, wow, they've adopted.

[Hillary Matthews]

Fair enough.

[Nicole Parker]

Now, I don't like to discriminate, but is that a young family? Seems like not so much with the.

[Doug]

Parents can be old.

[Hillary Matthews]

I think she's saying they can't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's what we're saying the opposite.

[Nicole Parker]

That's what we're muddling through. Because again, the ethics of it, which is a huge concern to me.

[Hillary Matthews]

Can you unpack that for me about it? The ethics. What that really means, what are the ethics?

[Nicole Parker]

Beer is not a ethical.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, you're back on beer pong. Okay, okay.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. Young families are ethical.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Hillary Matthews]

Right. But here's the thing. Where did you learn that? Because if all you were doing was reading books about young families. Yes, but you're not describing any books that said anything bad about beer pong.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But there was two hours of tutoring.

[Hillary Matthews]

Okay, then fine. What happened in the. Yeah, yeah, okay.

[Nicole Parker]

The tutoring was math, science, geography. We did also have Dare to keep kids.

[Hillary Matthews]

I thought you meant that you just need to did you did. But just did the dare part.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do we know what DARE stands for?

[Hillary Matthews]

Against recreational Entertainment.

[Nicole Parker]

Drugs. Alcohol. Drugs. Alcohol.

[Hillary Matthews]

This is terrible that none of us. Boy, that system really worked in schools. What a great program. We really, really learned have to look it up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I realize I never known.

[Hillary Matthews]

I've seen those bumper stickers thought about it.

[Nicole Parker]

Bert and they say dare to keep kids off drugs and alcohol.

[Hillary Matthews]

That's right. But what does the DARE stand for?

[Nicole Parker]

Don't Daughters against an alcohol.

[Hillary Matthews]

Really?

[Nicole Parker]

Education.

[Hillary Matthews]

Ah, what is it?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Drug abuse Resistance education.

[Nicole Parker]

Wow. Abuse resistance education to keep kids off drugs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Exactly.

[Nicole Parker]

Alcohol.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Exactly.

[Nicole Parker]

Makes perfect sense.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Hillary Matthews]

Well, I'm glad we cleared that up. I am too. So. So then in there. It must have been in that part of the program where you became scared of just anything other than alcohol.

[Nicole Parker]

Drugs and alcohol are not ethical. I see.

[Hillary Matthews]

That's why the beer.

[Nicole Parker]

And what was my understanding of frat boys had to come? Also a self education post facility. I watched a lot of film and TV shows.

[Hillary Matthews]

Animal House.

[Nicole Parker]

Animal House. That I'll never forget that night. Yes. Chill through my Van Wilder.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The Rise of Taj.

[Nicole Parker]

Never looked at golf carts the same again.

[Hillary Matthews]

Listen now I'm gonna just say something right here. I, I, I am with you in that. I hate beer pong. Yeah, I said that one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did you?

[Hillary Matthews]

I did. I was quiet about it. And I was quiet about it. I was me really flew under the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Radar back to school.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, another good one. Yeah. But I will say I cannot. I really can't. This is again not a movie podcast for everybody is listening at home. But it. You would be so very. You'd be very fooled many, many times.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That it is not a movie podcast.

[Hillary Matthews]

We're not a movie podcast. I can't stand beer pong. I was never good at it. I can't chug beer like That I very bad at the game. Name speaks to your character. I. Oh, thank you. But it does. But also, like, I, I, it's just not for me, but it doesn't bother me for anyone else.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Where do you stand on beer tennis? Because that is something that me and my friends used to play.

[Nicole Parker]

I don't like it. I don't, I won't judge you as a.

[Hillary Matthews]

Could you explain how it works?

[Nicole Parker]

But I don't like it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's pretty much like beer pong, but.

[Hillary Matthews]

Out on a court.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But out on a court, a clay court. Gotta be on clay.

[Hillary Matthews]

It's extremely hard.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And, and you're using the rackets.

[Hillary Matthews]

You have to hit the ball into. Into the cup.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, it's, it's like a bucket.

[Hillary Matthews]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Because it's a little bigger.

[Hillary Matthews]

Sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Everything's a little bigger still.

[Doug]

Like a red solo bucket.

[Hillary Matthews]

Yes. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And you have to buy them special.

[Hillary Matthews]

Sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's the same material as solo cups. Yeah, yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Now in.

[Hillary Matthews]

Those would be very popular, by the way, I think. For sure, for sure.

[Nicole Parker]

In beer pong, my understanding is that there exists a single solo cup that's filled with water. And you take the balls.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, God, yes. I'm going to throw up.

[Nicole Parker]

And you kind of baptize it.

[Hillary Matthews]

The.

[Doug]

It sanitizes.

[Hillary Matthews]

It does not. Babe. The fact that all of these young people think, oh, that's good enough.

[Doug]

It's responsible.

[Hillary Matthews]

Have you looked at that cup halfway through a game? Jesus Christ. Have you looked at the floors of a college room? A college appointment?

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, they're disgusting. But I thought that the water cup made it okay.

[Hillary Matthews]

No, no, it definitely doesn't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What about when you go to an ice cream place and they have the. Oh, yes, the water that they, they rinse the. It looks like the most disgusting thing imaginable.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, God. It really is terrible.

[Nicole Parker]

But then why would they be doing it if it's. It didn't make it okay?

[Hillary Matthews]

I mean, you're asking this to frat boys.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's a great question.

[Hillary Matthews]

And that's a question to ask them of everything they do. Why would they be doing it? It's not.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, well. So in beer tennis, did you guys have a big, A big bucket of water to kind of make the ball anew?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A claw foot bathtub.

[Hillary Matthews]

Fancy.

[Nicole Parker]

That's good.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And it wasn't great.

[Hillary Matthews]

Was it also solo cup material?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, it was. And it wasn't great because, of course, a tennis ball, when it gets wet.

[Nicole Parker]

Right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's, it's much heavier now. It sprays like, you hit it like A wet dog. Yeah. It's terrible. It's really terrible. But what a fun game.

[Nicole Parker]

Is it?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Hillary Matthews]

Yeah. It's not for me. Kathy's really, really tisking at him cutting me. Yeah. So wait. I. I really kind of want. I'm just concerned for your, like, your heart and your. Your life. I. I want to know at some point, did they tell you, oh, you can. You have a biological family. You must.

[Nicole Parker]

You have to understand that. I don't.

[Hillary Matthews]

But, honey, you do. No, no.

[Nicole Parker]

You do, angel.

[Hillary Matthews]

And I know I'm younger than you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Excuse me one second. Kathy, did you hear where she said her consciousness was turned on at age 12? Why are you assuming that she had a biological family?

[Hillary Matthews]

Maybe I'm just hoping.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I demanded all hope ye who have entered here.

[Hillary Matthews]

Yes, but even she was a test tube baby. There is a. There is a biological donation from a.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Human Test tube baby is a baby. She said she had her consciousness turned on at age 12. We don't know what we're dealing with, Joan. We're out of our depths.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm just worried about her.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm worried about me.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, I'm worried about you, too, Kathy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let me ask you this, and we'll get into your mysterious upbringing. Do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers. Now, is that something that's been happening? Because the tone of this ad reads as if you have been trying to sell this thing. You're fed up with the beer bongers. And I guess there's also these unsolicited offers and services.

[Hillary Matthews]

Yeah. What's that about? What kind of things are you talking about?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What is this?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, any old thing. You know, if somebody hits me up and says, hey, I found your resume on LinkedIn.com and we're hiring, all you need to do is send your Social Security number to this. You know, that's, I've learned, not real.

[Hillary Matthews]

Yes, I'm glad you've learned that.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. An unsolicited offer.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right?

[Nicole Parker]

Right.

[Hillary Matthews]

You probably don't even have a Social Security number. This is so concerning.

[Nicole Parker]

One time a guy emailed me and said, hey, I saw your ad for the ping pong table. Can I come over and rub your feet? That's an unsolicited offer?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

100%.

[Hillary Matthews]

That is definitely. Yeah, maybe the very defin definition. Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

So then I had to come up with the wording, and I had. And then I still kept on getting, you know, an offer for. To join a religious cult. So that's when I put the capital letters and not.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did they say Would you like to join our religious cult?

[Nicole Parker]

In so many words. In so many words.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now, I got an unsolicited offer recently. This is, this is a text to my phone.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The sender is not my contact list.

[Hillary Matthews]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And there's no name, just the number. And it says, I have an older pizza for you. Semicolon. Did you get it? Now they have it and they're asking me if I got it.

[Nicole Parker]

See, I would say it's an older pizza.

[Hillary Matthews]

Older pizza.

[Doug]

Does that imply.

[Hillary Matthews]

Horrible phrase.

[Doug]

You asked for an older. Like you got a pizza and you asked for one that's older.

[Hillary Matthews]

What?

[Doug]

Baby, maybe can you look if you have anything older than this?

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, I see.

[Doug]

I found an older pizza for you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But then asking if I got it.

[Hillary Matthews]

Yeah, that is definitely.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We'll share this with the listeners as well.

[Doug]

Maybe it means did you get it? Like it's a joke.

[Hillary Matthews]

Can I. I have a question, Another question for Kathy. They send you out into the world. Were you given a job? How do you pay for things? What is your income?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who is. Is they?

[Hillary Matthews]

Yeah. Did you ever find that out?

[Nicole Parker]

The government, of course.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Was the government okay?

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. And. And, and they were just kind of doing a long term study of start to finish test tube people.

[Hillary Matthews]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Start to finish.

[Nicole Parker]

Start to finish. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What is it? So they're still monitoring you?

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, I go in once a year. Kind of like an annual checkup.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right. I assume the finish is death. Is that correct?

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, yes, yes, yes. As with. With us all.

[Hillary Matthews]

True. Well, true, true.

[Nicole Parker]

And, and yes. Job. Of course. Yeah. I work at a travel agency. Agency. And.

[Hillary Matthews]

Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

Things have been kind of slow.

[Hillary Matthews]

Yeah. Well, we're one of the last towns they'll have a travel agency.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're one of the only neighborhoods still in America where you cannot buy tickets online.

[Hillary Matthews]

You can't, you can't. It's. It just doesn't block here. There's no expedia, there's no nothing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

That's why I love Dignity Falls. I love the small town old fashioned travel agency.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Absolutely.

[Nicole Parker]

Bath. It's only feel of this place.

[Doug]

They still do your gas for you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. They pump your gas whether you need it or not. Yeah. Like they'll just stick that thing in there. A lot of times if you already have a full tank, the gas will come spilling out.

[Nicole Parker]

Right, right. Sometimes you have to kind of try to wave them away and maneuver hard, quickly.

[Hillary Matthews]

Yes, that's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Just slalom around them just to go in and get you.

[Hillary Matthews]

They're just trying to get you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Just trying to get some gum.

[Hillary Matthews]

Just trying to get some gum.

[Nicole Parker]

So, yeah, I've had a very full life.

[Hillary Matthews]

Do you have friends?

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. Yes, of course I have friends.

[Hillary Matthews]

How did you make friends?

[Nicole Parker]

Pottery.

[Hillary Matthews]

Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

I have made a ton of pots over the years.

[Hillary Matthews]

Right. But I mean. Sorry, what does that have to do with the human people that are your friends?

[Nicole Parker]

They are at the wheel with me. They are at the kiln with me. We're firing things up together. I volunteer at the library. Lots of friends there. I take cooking classes. We're gonna learn how to make paella next week.

[Hillary Matthews]

She made a very cute face when she said that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She was very excited about making the paella.

[Nicole Parker]

So I have a very rich life. You don't have to worry about it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sounds like you do.

[Hillary Matthews]

It does right now. It sounds good.

[Nicole Parker]

Thank you. And all I'm asking. All I am asking is for a young family I know to send me pic.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right.

[Hillary Matthews]

Yeah. That part is very strong because they.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Could send any picture.

[Hillary Matthews]

Well, but also that. Talk about an unsolicited request. Like, that's not. You cannot solicit a picture of a young family. You can't send a picture of a young child. That is. That is very. That's just not done. It's looked badly upon. If that's not something you've learned yet. So why were you asking for that?

[Nicole Parker]

As proof.

[Hillary Matthews]

Right. I know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We get that, but how. How do people respond to this?

[Hillary Matthews]

Yeah, they can't be happy about it. And this is what I'm saying is if you were just to take out that one sentence, right. I bet you you might find some more people.

[Nicole Parker]

Joan. How would I know? Would I know that it's not one of those frat brothers with. Who's made up a. An email address youngfamilyotmail.com.

[Hillary Matthews]

No, the Hotmail might give it away.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Definitely hot. Now, you say. You do say many are interest. So is that true or is that just to beef up the sales?

[Nicole Parker]

Well, many are interest, but just not the right kind.

[Hillary Matthews]

Now, it's a phrase I don't normally hear. Many are interest. Now, is that something to do with how you were tutored, or did you guys all speak a different way? Have you noticed that?

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, it is kind of a poetic. I don't know if you noticed that the way that I wrote oh, it is Beautiful is. Yes.

[Hillary Matthews]

Lyrics. Can I see the post again?

[Doug]

Sure.

[Nicole Parker]

You know, burnt. You did a great job reading it, but I could, if you would allow me. Oh, I just think it was a.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Reading in the author's voice.

[Hillary Matthews]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Ping pong table tennis. A no beer pong. This is for young families by Kathy. Thank you, Jen. Almost new. Would like to give it young family special wide stool for standing for small ones. Forget beer pong people send pity of young family. Many are interest. Do not contact me with unsolicited services or offers. $100.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow, that's.

[Hillary Matthews]

Good job, everyone.

[Nicole Parker]

Thank you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Powerful.

[Nicole Parker]

Thank you.

[Hillary Matthews]

So this is interesting. You do drop a lot of things. Would like to give it young family. Lots of prepositions lost here, is it? What? What's that about?

[Nicole Parker]

That's just how I hear it in my brain. You know, I would like to give it many things young family. I think young family deserves so many things. Things.

[Hillary Matthews]

Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

Ping pong table and otherwise.

[Hillary Matthews]

What, babe?

[Doug]

What about us?

[Hillary Matthews]

What about.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, would you count it? Well, your kids, I think, are a little too old for a young family.

[Hillary Matthews]

Would you give it to us? Kathy, you're.

[Nicole Parker]

You're. You're strapping young twins. I've seen.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, sure, yeah. They're strapping young. Yeah, they're young, but they're young. They're young. They're young. Yeah. I mean, they certainly do. We establish it. Well, I mean, they're. They're neurologically, they're. I mean, developmentally, you're not in your 60s. Unfortunately, they're six.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So that's good.

[Hillary Matthews]

That's good.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, that's great. That really might count. Now, let me ask you this. Have they written or pitched any major pilots or projects to any. Along with any major guests?

[Doug]

Either way, do you want us to say yes or no, Doug?

[Nicole Parker]

Well, to me, that is kind of a general marker of maturity.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, it is? Oh, well, then in that case, yes. Yes. They've worked on a few. They're in. They're in development. Oh, I did it wrong.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, but for maturity. She's looking for you.

[Doug]

Those for Chick Fil A, though. It's for Chick Fil A. Oh, it.

[Hillary Matthews]

Was for Chick Fil A. It was for two. It was about pranking your parents. It was about pranking your parents. Does that make a difference?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, that's quite youthful.

[Hillary Matthews]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

It pranks one's parents.

[Hillary Matthews]

Yes. Yeah, it was about pranking your parents. So could we have it? Well, we can be.

[Nicole Parker]

We can. I can consider. Send me a photo. Send me pic of young family. Preferably yours.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know, I have a question, Kathy, and I don't quite know what makes me think this.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But it's just a feeling that I get. Once you are able to sell this ping pong table.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Not for beer pong purposes, but for the intended purpose of young family. Do you plan to still be somehow involved in the everyday use of this ping pong table to monitor it in.

[Hillary Matthews]

Some way that is. Yes. Wonderful. Yes, absolutely. Because it's like. How would you know? This is what I'm saying. If you let it go from your house, just. It's gone. It's gone from your memory. Don't think about it anymore. It doesn't. It shouldn't bother you what's done with it.

[Nicole Parker]

Have you ever heard of the concept of an open adoption?

[Hillary Matthews]

Well, are you talking about how you might adopt a child, but then the biological parents are allowed to regularly be a part of the child's life?

[Nicole Parker]

Is that what you're talking about? Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I'm envisioning.

[Hillary Matthews]

I didn't know dare, but I knew that.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm envisioning something similar, to be fair.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That gives the term open adoption, gives you a little more information, but just dare.

[Hillary Matthews]

So in a way, you're having joint custody of this ping pong table. You're allowed to visit it from time to time.

[Nicole Parker]

And I don't want to interfere. I just want to kind of show.

[Hillary Matthews]

You show up for special occasions. Holidays.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, just for holidays. And just to kind of. Of see how it's going, you know? And if it's with you, why do.

[Hillary Matthews]

You think you're so emotionally invested in this ping pong table's future?

[Nicole Parker]

I don't know. You know, is it because I felt ultimately kind of cast aside by the government and kind of nurse abandonment issues because of that, and then transfer that idea to my possessions?

[Hillary Matthews]

Maybe.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm gonna say yes.

[Hillary Matthews]

This is why I'm worried about her. You said she's fine, so. Listen to everything she's just said. It's heartbreaking.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm learning to make paella next week.

[Hillary Matthews]

She is a blast.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sounds like she's. Can't deny it, you know what I mean? Like, she's. Look, none of us have a perfect childhood. And I think if we're able to recognize what happened and move on, understand our. Our attachments to these issues that shaped us, that's the best you can hope for.

[Hillary Matthews]

I. I guess. You know, I guess that's true.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Kathy, I think you're doing great.

[Nicole Parker]

Thank you so much.

[Hillary Matthews]

And. And I would love to take that the. The. The ping pong table. So I'll send a pic of young family, please.

[Nicole Parker]

And can I say, Joan, it's perfect that you have these two twins, because they would Be so cozy.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, baby. Did I send her a picture?

[Nicole Parker]

Stoops.

[Doug]

Oh, yeah. Which one do you think? Joan schedules professional family photos about every week.

[Nicole Parker]

Excellent. Excellent. That is perfect.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But sweaters all year long.

[Doug]

All year long.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Everyone's in sweater matching sweaters all year long. And just one final question, I guess, before we let you go, Kathy. How much did you pay for the ping pong table?

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, good question.

[Nicole Parker]

69.97.

[Hillary Matthews]

Wow. It's a hundred dollars, Right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So when you. It's a hundred dollars. And so when you say it's almost new.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That means you have not had it for that long and barely used it. I can't follow. I can't follow that. Those were very fast.

[Nicole Parker]

Haven't had it for long and barely used it. Yes. Affirmative.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How many times total would you say you've played pictures?

[Nicole Parker]

3.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, and the third time you saw yourself in the mirror, you said, I can't do this.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. Hat trick realization.

[Hillary Matthews]

Wow. Okay. All right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, Kathy, one final time. If you want to get your message out there.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You can put it in new words or have whatever you want to really let people know that you have this ping pong table. You're selling it and you don't want it used for beer pong.

[Hillary Matthews]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Ping pong table tennis. $100.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Just going to say the same.

[Nicole Parker]

Forget beer pong people.

[Hillary Matthews]

Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

Forget.

[Hillary Matthews]

She put in people her style. Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Is it forget beer pong people?

[Hillary Matthews]

Forget beer pong. That's the thing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is it forget beer pong people or is it forget beer pong people?

[Nicole Parker]

So that's the beauty of poetry. This. This is a message to beer pong people saying forget it.

[Hillary Matthews]

Scoot.

[Nicole Parker]

It's a message to the rest of us. Saying to all of us, a plea. Forget beer pong people.

[Hillary Matthews]

Just forget beer pong people.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Hillary Matthews]

Thank you for that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Deeply moved by this.

[Hillary Matthews]

I sure am. I sure am too. Well, thanks for coming. Thank you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We say this a lot, and this time we really mean it. Best of luck to you.

[Nicole Parker]

Thank you so much. I really appreciate you letting me come by.

[Hillary Matthews]

Our pleasure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

More with the neighborhood Listen. When the neighborhood Listen returns. This is Tony Free, vintage, antique, heavy, safe, sentient side. So don't even bother opening it. There's no point. It's empty. Nothing's in there. Nothing suspicious. It's just a safe. I don't want it anymore. Gotta get rid of it. It's empty. Make it into a end table if you want. Don't go in there. Don't open it up. It's empty. There's nothing in there you need to worry about. You get me anything that's in there, which is nothing, is none of your concern. I just don't want it in my house anymore for my own reasons. So you take it. It's free. And then you have a big, heavy object that you can do whatever you want with except open. All right. It's empty inside. So don't look in there. Don't go in there, don't tell anybody you got it from me. And everybody can. Can go on with their business. They don't got to worry about nothing. Okay? Don't look in it. It's empty. What I tell you, what I tell you. And welcome back to the neighborhood. Listen, well, Kathy, she really.

[Hillary Matthews]

What a bizarre. You just never know who was in our neighborhood. I'll tell you what, I want to know more about that. This building, this facility had to be here somewhere. Yeah, I'm curious anything about this because there's going to be other people in town like this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I wish we'd had the time to talk about this mysterious facility, but, yeah.

[Hillary Matthews]

It'S weird that we shouldn't actually talk about a ping pong table.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, we have to honor the guest.

[Hillary Matthews]

We have to honor the guest.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right.

[Hillary Matthews]

By the way, you are covered in big red bumps. Are you aware of this?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I guess I am.

[Hillary Matthews]

How do you feel right now?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I feel fine.

[Hillary Matthews]

Okay.

[Doug]

Wait, is that because you were thinking about moving in with Gabby or because.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Of the COVID Good question.

[Hillary Matthews]

At this point, I don't know where the anxiety begins.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hey, you know what? Here's. Here's a silver lining. Maybe it's not Covid. Maybe it's something else.

[Hillary Matthews]

Yeah, why did you say it wasn't anyways? You didn't take a test.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I took a test and I saw.

[Hillary Matthews]

It's one of the few things you can unequivocally know. You have?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I took a test and I saw three lines.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, that's not good.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right, we have time.

[Hillary Matthews]

You're pregnant with Kobe.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like, what's his name? Lou? Gossip Junior? Not any mine.

[Hillary Matthews]

Yeah, if you listen to our bonus episodes, you'll know that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right, we have time for one final post. This is from. Sent into by. By a listener named David Fox. And this is in the crime and safety section. It's posted by someone named Desi. Desi says suspicious van slash packages four question marks. Or is it five? Maybe five. I think it's five. Okay. I like to get a lot of pes.

[Hillary Matthews]

You can start over. This is because I'm telling you, you have them on your tongue too and it's starting to affect your speech.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's fine. It's okay. I like to get a lot of packages like from Amazon, maybe 100 many. LOL. But there's a house down the street that keeps getting things or something delivered by. Delivered by plain white vans, no logos. I see like the kind you see on TV where they have bad things going on and trying to blend in. It always seems a little fishy. All caps. And I don't want to do anything to extreme. All caps like call the police or something. But I just don't understand what's happening here and why no one else seems to notice. For all caps. Obvious reasons. I don't want to ask the person there. A lot has happening and I don't need more drama.

[Hillary Matthews]

He sounds like one of Kathy's.

[Doug]

That's it.

[Hillary Matthews]

Lab. Yeah. No cultivators. Same kind of weird. No childhood friends.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Cohabitators.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Hillary Matthews]

Because he used that weird language that she did.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Hillary Matthews]

Also he's seen way too many movies. My God.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Hillary Matthews]

Now I will say this. Every once in a while I will see a package dropped off in like an unmarked van that. I'm just wondering sometimes is that an outsourcing of like other people to drop off packages and they use their own van or. I don't know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think there's that. I think in this gig economy in which we live, I think a lot of people are doing that. I think also that, you know, those are rented often. I mean not here, but other places. But also the ones you have to watch out for in Dignity Falls are those. They're like a pale blue. It's a sort of crossover veil.

[Hillary Matthews]

Robin, blue egg robin.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Blue egg.

[Hillary Matthews]

Robin, Egg blue. That's what I meant to say.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And they drive around and if you're on the street, they'll slow down. And of course the windows are tinted. You can't see inside. They just slow down. They match your pace. If you speed up, they slow down. They don't do anything. Nope. But there's tons of them.

[Hillary Matthews]

And they're self driving. Right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We don't know.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, that's right. You can't see.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You can't see. You can't see.

[Hillary Matthews]

I thought that they were.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You never see anybody get in or get out.

[Hillary Matthews]

Really.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. They don't have any of those like, you know, things on the roof that are sort of camera.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, you're right. Because that's when someone's in there. That's so creepy. Yeah.

[Doug]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Hillary Matthews]

But they don't drop anything off. Have you ever seen them drop anything off?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All I've seen them do is drive around, slow down or speed up based on your pace if you happen to be on the street. All these light blue cars, and one time I saw them in a parking lot, there was, like, six of them. They're all parked, like, in a. In a circle.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, no. Like they were having a meeting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. And their lights were flashing on and off.

[Hillary Matthews]

Oh, no.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like the one. There would be one whose lights would flash for a while and then that would stop. And then the other ones would start flashing on and off really fast.

[Hillary Matthews]

And then, like, one would be honking.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It was like, as if they were applauding.

[Doug]

Oh, fighting. Sounds like what they're fighting.

[Hillary Matthews]

Could have been finding it could have been a dispute. I think that David is jealous of Desi. Desi? Desi?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. I don't know who David is. Oh, David was the person who sent David Fox.

[Hillary Matthews]

Yes. Oh, I see. Desi was the name. The person who posted.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Hillary Matthews]

Well, who knows? Maybe David that's jealous, too. But if you're jealous, the person in the post is jealous of other people getting packages. I mean, like, it's just that thing of, like, who's getting a package and why are they getting it from a different. Why would he care?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's because he doesn't know what it is, and so he wants to assume any more drama.

[Hillary Matthews]

He definitely doesn't need any more drama.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But he's creating the drama, actually.

[Hillary Matthews]

Yeah, you're right, baby. You actually, like, hit the nail on the head. That is exactly a person who loves the drama.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Desi, you're addicted. You're addicted to the drama.

[Hillary Matthews]

Drama. Yep. You are. You sure are. You might as well face it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I see you're doing a weird out.

[Hillary Matthews]

I guess I was doing Robert Palmer.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But you're changing the words. That's the weird album.

[Hillary Matthews]

I know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I didn't think that was an original.

[Hillary Matthews]

Song because that was nearly good enough to warrant being called a Weird Al.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's just an umbrella term.

[Hillary Matthews]

I understand. Yeah, well, I don't feel well, so I don't know what's going on.

[Doug]

But do I?

[Hillary Matthews]

Well, I'm sure you don't, baby.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I feel terrific.

[Hillary Matthews]

You don't look it. I'm so. I hate to tell you that that's almost rude. Very upsetting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We do. Thank you for listening. We'll be back next week. Of course. In the meantime, if you'd like to hear our bonus content and ad free episodes you can go to the comedybangbangworld.com website. Sign up on the Maximus tier and you will get access to ad free episodes of the show as well as our fun bonus content. Content which includes movie watch alongs as Q&As. We have a podcast by other people in Dignity Falls.

[Hillary Matthews]

Sure do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's all kinds of fun.

[Doug]

Date Night at Sizzler Date night at.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sizzler which we did not realize was being recorded. Doug set up a bunch of microphones, but yeah, please do check that out. And if you'd like to follow us on social media, it's the Neighborhood Listen. On any of the if we're not if you don't find it on a social, that means we're not on it.

[Doug]

Try another social.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Try another. Try another social. Well, goodbye and bye.

[Hillary Matthews]

All of the posts used in this episode were real. Only some geographical specifics have been changed.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The Neighborhood Listen is hosted and produced by me Paul F. Tompkins and me.

[Doug]

Nicole Parker and me Brett Morris.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This episode's guest was played by Hillary and Matthews. The Neighborhood Listen is a production of Comedy Bang Bang world.

[Hillary Matthews]

Go to cbbworld.com to unlock the entire history of the show ad free as well as brand new full length bonus room episodes exclusive to Maxima subscribers. Your support keeps the show.