Unhinged House Cleaner with John Milhiser

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Neighborhood Listen - "Unhinged House Cleaner with John Milhiser"

Release Date: November 19, 2024

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Introduction to Dignity Falls

In this episode of The Neighborhood Listen, hosts Burnt Millipede (Paul F. Tompkins), Joan Pedestrian (Nicole Parker), and Doug (Brett Morris) dive deep into the quirky happenings of their hometown, Dignity Falls. Utilizing real posts from the neighborhood social networking app, the trio brings to life the eccentric characters and unusual events that make their town uniquely entertaining.

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Cliff Divers and the Mailboxes Conundrum

The episode kicks off with an amusing debate about the newly added cliff divers at the local pharmacy, Dignity Fallsmacy. Burnt explains the removal of a "blood-curdling screen" used to block the divers' loud yells before each jump:

Burnt Millipede (Paul F. Tompkins) [02:02]: "There was a guy going over in a barrel... We finally disconnected the screen. Thank God."

Joan finds the early morning cliff diving antics unsettling, highlighting the town's penchant for oddities:

Joan Pedestrian (Nicole Parker) [02:26]: "Who wants that? I think both. Honestly."

Transitioning to local businesses, the hosts discuss "Mailboxes," a peculiar establishment occupying excessive space with a mix of offerings—from P.O. boxes to mermaid figurines and patriotic memorabilia. Burnt sheds light on the store's ever-expanding patriotic aisle:

Burnt Millipede (Paul F. Tompkins) [04:45]: "The patriotic aisle has expanded to include many different countries."

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The Disastrous Pet Groomer Incident

A heated conversation unfolds about the controversial shutdown of a pet groomer who took their role too far by shaving pets bald and even gluing hair onto turtles. Joan expresses her disgust:

Joan Pedestrian (Nicole Parker) [05:23]: "So they're adding hair where there isn't any. Yes."

Burnt and Joan vividly describe the aftermath, painting a picture of "woolly turtles" and the chaotic scene that ensued:

Burnt Millipede (Paul F. Tompkins) [05:46]: "They looked like little... woolly turtles."

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WandaVision Effect and Amateur Acting Troubles

The hosts shift gears to discuss the impact of the TV show WandaVision on their personas. Burnt shares how the show's emotional depth changed him:

Burnt Millipede (Paul F. Tompkins) [06:18]: "I felt like I became a different person when I watched WandaVision."

Joan, aspiring to enhance her acting skills, recounts her attempts at organizing a Christmas cabaret that was humorously sabotaged by her twin boys with inappropriate suggestions:

Joan Pedestrian (Nicole Parker) [07:54]: "They really ruined it. They really ruined it."

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Introducing Jimmy John Pizzeway: The Unhinged House Cleaner

The centerpiece of the episode revolves around a harrowing experience shared by neighbor Jimmy John Pizzeway (played by John Milhiser). After booking Jimmy for a house cleaning job through the neighborhood app, things took a dark turn when Jimmy demanded upfront payment for supplies—a request that made Burnt uneasy:

Burnt Millipede (Paul F. Tompkins) [35:06]: "I told him I had all the cleaning products for him to use. First clue, do not proceed."

Jimmy's behavior escalated as he threatened Burnt with violence over a disputed cancellation fee:

Jimmy John Pizzeway (John Milhiser) [36:31]: "That's unacceptable. Pay a $50 cancellation fee or I'm beating you to death later this year."

Joan shares her terrifying encounter with Jimmy, who barged into her home unannounced and continued his aggressive demeanor despite her discomfort:

Joan Pedestrian (Nicole Parker) [43:00]: "He cursed at me the whole time. I was like, this doesn't sound like a friend."

The hosts collectively advise Jimmy to seek help, emphasizing the severity of his actions:

Joan Pedestrian (Nicole Parker) [58:29]: "I think you need to close one door... That's what you need to do, and you can do it. I believe in you, Jimmy John."

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Driveologist and the Mug Room Madness

Beyond the main storyline, the episode explores other oddities in Dignity Falls. Joan introduces her unique profession as a "Driveologist," someone who designs driveways with unconventional patterns:

Joan Pedestrian (Nicole Parker) [54:24]: "I design driveways... a squiggle driveway... a maze driveway."

Burnt and Bert humorously critique the practicality of her designs, such as the 17-door house and the unconventional "octagon driveway," showcasing the town's endless stream of peculiarities.

Additionally, the infamous "mug room" becomes a topic of contention as Joan laments the overwhelming number of mugs accumulated from sentimental gifts:

Joan Pedestrian (Nicole Parker) [14:33]: "They're from my mom. They do. That's right."

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Community Responses and Final Thoughts

As the episode wraps up, listeners are encouraged to engage by submitting overlooked posts via email. The hosts maintain their characteristic humor and camaraderie, blending absurd scenarios with genuine concern for their neighbors.

Joan's emotional plea to Jimmy underscores the community's desire for harmony amidst chaos:

Joan Pedestrian (Nicole Parker) [67:12]: "I want you to know that I am not going to hire you... Unless there's a spill."

Burnt closes the discussion with a mix of sincerity and jest, reinforcing the show's theme of navigating the eccentric landscape of Dignity Falls.

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Key Takeaways

• Dignity Falls is a town teeming with unique businesses and residents, each adding to its distinctive charm.

• Unhinged Interactions like those with Jimmy John Pizzeway highlight the challenges of maintaining community harmony.

• Quirky Professions and Designs such as Driveology and the Mug Room exemplify the town's embrace of the unconventional.

• Community Support is vital, as demonstrated through the hosts' efforts to address and resolve neighborhood conflicts.

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Notable Quotes

• Burnt Millipede:

  "[02:02] 'We finally disconnected the screen. Thank God.'"

• Joan Pedestrian:

  "[05:23] 'So they're adding hair where there isn't any. Yes.'"

• Jimmy John Pizzeway:

  "[36:31] 'That's unacceptable. Pay a $50 cancellation fee or I'm beating you to death later this year.'"

• Joan Pedestrian:

  "[67:12] 'I want you to know that I am not going to hire you... Unless there's a spill.'"

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Conclusion

"Unhinged House Cleaner with John Milhiser" provides a vivid portrayal of life in Dignity Falls, blending humor with moments of tension. Through engaging storytelling and memorable characters, The Neighborhood Listen offers listeners a compelling glimpse into a neighborhood where the ordinary meets the extraordinary.

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Note: All names and scenarios in this summary are fictional and part of the podcast's creative narrative.

Transcript

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins.

[Nicole Parker]

And I'm Nicole Parker.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website.

[Nicole Parker]

Occasionally we change the names of some.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Streets and that's all you need to know. To support the show and unlock the ad free archive, as well as exclusive monthly episodes of the bonus room, go to cbbworld.com and sign up for a Maximus membership.

[Nicole Parker]

And now, please enjoy this episode of the Neighborhood Listen.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Knock knock.

[Nicole Parker]

Who's there?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Your neighbor.

[Nicole Parker]

Good. In Dignity Fall, never alone. You've got the neighbor half AV and us, Vern and Joan. From coyotes to male theft to weird things to sell.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We'll cover it all and meet new neighbors as well.

[Nicole Parker]

We'll chat about any posts you're missing. So just tune in to the Neighborhood Listen.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Welcome once again to the Neighborhood Listen. If in fact you have listened to it before. If you haven't, welcome. This is the podcast that explores the neighborhood of Dignity Falls via two or more of its residents. I'm one of them. My name is Bert Miapede. I am the pharmacist in chief of the Dignity Fallsmassy here in Dignity Falls. The Dignity fallsmassy is a pharmacy.

[Nicole Parker]

It is. Yes, it is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, because I don't want people to be confused when they hear the word falls, missy.

[Nicole Parker]

It is. Well, certainly if they're first time listeners. Yes. Then they might be definitely confused. And I can't remember, how is it spelled? Is it spelled P H A L.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

L L S M A C Y? Falsemacy. I can use it in a sentence.

[Nicole Parker]

This is. Oh, please do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I work at the falls. Missing.

[Nicole Parker]

Very good. That was a great sentence. And it is partially that because, yes, that's our name of our town, Dignity Falls. But also there's a big waterfall in the middle of the building. Yes, there are cliff divers. Are there or what?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They have just been added.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, yes, that's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There was a guy going over in a barrel.

[Nicole Parker]

That's over and over again. Yes, over and over every 15 minutes with a blood curdling screen.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, we finally disconnected the screen. Thank God.

[Nicole Parker]

Thank God.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But yes, we've added cliff divers.

[Nicole Parker]

Are they. What? What are the shifts for the cliff divers? I mean, are they there or. Because you're open at 7 in the morning, right? Yes, there's someone really cliff diving at 7 in the morning.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Who wants that?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Weirdos. You mean who wants to do it or wants to see it?

[Nicole Parker]

I think both. Honestly.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No one really wants to see.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm not ready for cliff Diver first thing in the morning.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, no one is. And I will say that the people that come in early. That early in the morning are. Are often. Well, I'm gonna say all the time. Startled by the cliff divers.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, sure. For sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Because the cliff divers give a mighty yell before.

[Nicole Parker]

No, this is gonna be the same thing as the barrel. How can you have a feature that has no sound?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hey, I. Look, Joan, you're preaching to the choir.

[Nicole Parker]

Is it like a Tarzan? Can you give me an example of what the sound sounds like?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It goes some. It's something like this. Hey. And then they jump.

[Nicole Parker]

That's terrible. Yeah, it's less terrible.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's less blood curdling than someone who knows they're falling to their death.

[Nicole Parker]

That's true. That's like a battle cry, what you just did.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, yeah. It's an attention getter.

[Nicole Parker]

It sure is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

For sure.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. You would look. Yes, I would look in the direction of that sound.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And who are you?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, who am I to say that anyways? Well, I'm Joan Pedestrian and a realtor here at. At Dignity Falls. I guess I should say in Dignity Falls.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right.

[Nicole Parker]

And. And I haven't been down to the falls from sea for a while. Have they added any more.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's probably good news.

[Nicole Parker]

Have they added any more businesses? I know they have a dry bar. I know they have a postal store. Right. They have a. Like a. Like a us What. What is it called? Mailboxes. Etc. Something like that?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This. Yes, this is called Mailboxes, unfortunately, because. Because it's taking up too much space and everyone has to be. Everyone who works here is very apologetic.

[Nicole Parker]

This is the only one off.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Thank goodness.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And everyone is very apologetic. Like, I know this is taking up too much space.

[Nicole Parker]

Why do they need all this? What do they sell? What's in there?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, people have P.O. boxes and then most of it is a lounge.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. Yeah, some of those. Some of those stores are weird. I haven't been there. But you know, it's sort of like. It's almost like every aisle you go down, it changes. It starts with just some cards and then some stamps. And then the next aisle, there's just a bunch of figurines of mermaids or something. And then there's like a whole row of very patriotic stuff. Those stores are very strange. They're a real catch all.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. And the patriotic aisle has expanded to include many different countries.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. Yes, I believe that makes a lot of sense. I feel like I've seen that kind of stories.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It does make a lot of sense.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, it makes a lot of sense for given my experience in those types of stories.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I see what you're saying.

[Nicole Parker]

So they really answer the phone. Mailboxes, unfortunately.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're sorry.

[Nicole Parker]

We're sorry. It gets tough to start a greeting with just full apology.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There's a big controversy because the pet groomer has been discontinued. They were asked to leave the premises because they were just shaving pets bald. That's all they were doing. And then saying, I thought that's what you asked for.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, I hate that kind of thing. What is wrong? What sick individuals. Who does that?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They glued hair to a turtle.

[Nicole Parker]

So they're adding hair where there isn't any. Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There were so many furry snakes that came out of there.

[Nicole Parker]

Glued it. That's terrible. You could just. Maybe you could at least put a tiny little wig on them. You don't have to glue it to them.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

These were. They looked like little. Like if. If turtles had descended from some sort of mammoth turtle. That's what they looked like. They were woolly turtles.

[Nicole Parker]

Woolly turtle.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. Wow.

[Nicole Parker]

I really gotta get over there. It's a real circus over there. They did not.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, they did.

[Nicole Parker]

They did not. First of all, I'm saying it would bring in a fish to get groomed.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, apparently, the boss was coming over for dinner. They wanted to make a good impression.

[Nicole Parker]

Their boss was coming over? What is this, a 1960s farce?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, well, this got really serious.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thinking of WandaVision. How that.

[Nicole Parker]

Really emotional.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh. Oh, that Marvel show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, it really affected you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, amazing. I mean, you know, it starts out as a sort of 1950s sitcom, and then it's in black and white, and there's a laugh track. And the jokes, of course, were hilarious.

[Nicole Parker]

They were funny.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But then it got very emotional as the series went on.

[Nicole Parker]

You know, your voice, your whole demeanor's changing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Talking about this division, I really get what.

[Nicole Parker]

What. What's happening to you, Bert, I feel like you're becoming a different person when you talk about this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. I felt like I became a different person when I watched WandaVision.

[Nicole Parker]

See, isn't that funny? I just watched, and I was so jealous. I was jealous of those actors because they got to play all the different genres. And, you know, I can do that. Of course, as most people know, I'm an amateur actor.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're a terrific amateur actor.

[Nicole Parker]

Sure. Great. Yes. That's good. Let's put terrific in front of amateur. Amateur will not go away. There's no way to take it away. You're a terrific actor because I'm not living in New York or la, so it makes me amateur immediately.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, you can live anywhere now, from what I understand.

[Nicole Parker]

I mean, you can. You can be unemployed anywhere in this business.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're no different than those actors in la.

[Nicole Parker]

That's right. Same. This is exactly the same. I do have some sort of, I don't know if I'm afraid to say, exciting news. I have a development because. Because I have been burned many times, and this is going to involve me putting myself out there again. As we know, last year for Christmas, I tried to do a Christmas cabaret where I invited the audience to shout out. I was gonna try to do some improv.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

As we've learned, I'm not very good at it. And. And people could shout out fake Christmas titles, Christmas carol titles. And of course, my twins just shouted out lewd titles.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They ruined it.

[Nicole Parker]

They really ruined it. They really ruined it. Of course, I'm talking about my. My twin boys, Matt and San Antonio spurs and San Antonio.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And they are. Those boys are a handful.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. And I mean, it is a long. Just to say it is a long name. You usually. It's called Matt and Sassy, for sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Matt and Sass.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. Matt and Sass.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They are. They're too old to be doing those kind of shenanigans, I think.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, of course they are.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They should stop doing. They should be respectful to their mother.

[Nicole Parker]

I really appreciate that. Burnt. But so. And, you know, as. Of course I've been. I've been. I've been sort of. I really stepped back a little bit from my female version of Hamlet called Hurlit. And. And I was talking to. I had a great meeting yesterday with. With some folks at the Dignity Falls Playhouse, and they really. They're. They're really stuck for a holiday show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right.

[Nicole Parker]

And, you know, I was like, I don't want. And then I thought, I need some training. If I'm going to sort of take on this huge project, you know, of a. You know, of hurlet, then I need to. I need to build myself up, you know, like how Taylor Swift built herself up for her ERAS tour concert. You know, I need to be on the treadmill, you know, like doing improv. I get on the treadmill and Doug shouts out suggestions to me, hey, Doug, that's my husband.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I need a little more backstory. Did Taylor Swift. She rehearsed on a treadmill.

[Nicole Parker]

She did. You have to do that to build up your endurance. You. You run and you sing. It's a real Thing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I have not heard of this.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, yeah, absolutely. It's very intense, and it sounds inspiring. It's very inspiring.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How come people aren't singing during marathons?

[Nicole Parker]

Well, because not every person who's a marathon runner is a singer.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And why is Intellisift jogging in place on stage?

[Nicole Parker]

She kind of does. Have you seen her show? That woman never stops moving.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I haven't.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, you love it. I think you'd love it a lot more than WandaVision. It doesn't. It's not dark like that. This would make you happy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

WandaVision changes.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done it. It's almost like a shadow comes over his face. It's really wild.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It was the most emotionally profound.

[Nicole Parker]

There's, like a filter on you. So anyways, I thought, oh, that's good. You know, I'm gonna get, like. Also, I'll get on the treadmill, and Doug will just shout out suggestions, you know, or just characters. And I'll try to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right.

[Nicole Parker]

And I'm not sure that it translates for that exactly, but I'm trying because.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Doug, your husband does not. It has been established, she does not have an imagination.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. When he closes his eyes, he sees a straight blue line at best. Okay. Hey, babe. Sorry. We should probably introduce him. Doug is my husband. He is our engineer. He records us from a different room in the house every week. Where. Where are you this time, Bab?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think it was your turn.

[Nicole Parker]

I guess it was. When he's silent, I'm on my way. When he's silent, when he doesn't answer, I know he's visually pointing at me because he wants me to mention it. Because here, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. Burnt.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Cause he's proud.

[Nicole Parker]

He is proud. But I'm not gonna let you on a secret. A lot of the times when I ask him where he is, I already know where he is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure. But it's for the listener.

[Nicole Parker]

It's for the listener, and it's also for him.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a great throw. It's sort of like we're on a morning show, you know?

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Bert Miapede]

This idea. So I wanted you to present it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, wow. Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

It's the mug room. And I have what I was gonna say. Well, I should hope so, because I.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Know you're in there.

[Nicole Parker]

Why wouldn't you have said that?

[Bert Miapede]

I thought maybe you'd have a more. What a name.

[Nicole Parker]

What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A peek behind the curtain.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, I'm sorry, babe. You. You can rename it anything you want.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What would you call it.

[Bert Miapede]

Thank you for apologizing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What would you call the mug room? What would make it sound great?

[Nicole Parker]

It is fair. I don't apologize to him often.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's true.

[Nicole Parker]

So this is a red letter day.

[Bert Miapede]

Yeah. Give me this moment, Bert.

[Nicole Parker]

What would you like to call it, babe?

[Bert Miapede]

I guess the mug room.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, that's what.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So it's.

[Nicole Parker]

You're upset about the actual pronouncing it V. Yeah. So it's the definitive one. There's another mug.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The mug room. Is it two E's, like Megan, the Italian? Oh, yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

There are many mug rooms. This one is mine. So, you know, I have been given. Listen, I. We. We were just so crowded in the kitchen, we had no more real estate for mugs. And like I said, I get a pair of slippers for my birthday, anniversary, and Christmas every year. From Doug.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right.

[Nicole Parker]

And before that, he was always.

[Bert Miapede]

Give you a mug a piece.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, they give me a mug a piece.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What does Jaliope give you every birthday, Christmas.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, God. Her attention. And she knows that's what I. That's all that I want.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How does that. The gift you can't wrap, how does that manifest itself?

[Nicole Parker]

Like, you know she's doing that. No, she'll just. I'll know that she's doing it. She picks a day. She doesn't tell me when it's gonna be, and I just. Instead of just walking straight to her room and closing the door, she actually stops and answers my questions.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Wow.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. And then she looks me directly in the eye. She gives me eye contact, which is rare. And she compliments me, really, on my physical appearance.

[Bert Miapede]

Sometimes she'll give what she calls an experience, like a bonding experience or. She gave you a shopping spree that one time, right?

[Nicole Parker]

One time she woke me up saying she had a nightmare and she wanted to, you know, get in bed, like, because she knew I loved that when she was little.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right.

[Nicole Parker]

It didn't last long because she kicks in her sleep. Very upsetting. Yes.

[Bert Miapede]

Roundhouse kicks.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She's Roundhouse kicks.

[Bert Miapede]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So she stands up on the bed.

[Bert Miapede]

Yes. 360 degrees.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I feel like she should see someone that can't be restful slumber.

[Nicole Parker]

It certainly isn't restful. Restful. Anyways, Doug heard what he wanted to hear that one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I clearly said restful.

[Nicole Parker]

So anyways. Yes, it's just. It's what? Yes, I guess it is not a very creative room. It's a bunch of shelves. It's a bunch of mugs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then you're saying you Got so many mugs you had to build a room.

[Nicole Parker]

Absolutely. So many. How many are up there right now, babe? Because we haven't even unpacked all of the boxes.

[Bert Miapede]

Probably upwards of north of 3,500.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, a thousand of them are Garfield mugs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can you. I'm trying to think if you can acre that many mugs in a lifetime.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, you'd be surprised again. I have twins, so just double the mug every time a mug is given.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Double the mug.

[Bert Miapede]

Double the mug times two.

[Nicole Parker]

Thank you, Bab.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And you, you want to keep all of these?

[Nicole Parker]

They're from my mom.

[Bert Miapede]

Sentimental value.

[Nicole Parker]

They do. That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you think they care if they.

[Nicole Parker]

Give you a year? It doesn't matter if they care. This is for me. This. Most of these rooms are for me. Do you understand?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So even if the gift is given in a perfunctory manner that has no meaning from the giver, it still has meaning for you. Of course it does, because they have handled this thing.

[Nicole Parker]

They've handled it and they've managed to not break it and they've managed to not burn it. You know, these are incredibly destructive children. My entire life, all that I ever got from them was. Was just pure misery.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, they love to destroy.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, the mugs are the one sign that they would stop and think about me for one second. I mean, a lot of them say, world's best dad. I mean, sometimes they didn't look, they just grabbed.

[Bert Miapede]

They say, this is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That has sentimental value.

[Bert Miapede]

Doug mug. A lot of them say, sure, Doug mug. I wish it said world's best dad says, Doug mug.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, and they gave it to me, babe. I mean, how do you think I felt?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Isn't the idea of the world's best dad kind of. That's too much.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, it's way too much.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, even the country's best dad.

[Nicole Parker]

It is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I know that's an honor, but the world.

[Nicole Parker]

I know it is a little. Especially after you. I mean, if you have a little. Little kid gives it to you, you're like, okay, but if you're adult dad, he doesn't know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What does he know of the world?

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

But at least he got Doug Muck. I honestly don't think that Matt and Sass know my first name.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Really?

[Nicole Parker]

I don't think they know my name.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, they just call me bro these days, so.

[Bert Miapede]

Oh, yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And how is post production coming along in their Chick Fil A Chick Fil A pilot?

[Nicole Parker]

Well, yeah. Prank your parents. They're cutting a trailer. And. And as I said I wanted to be on camera, not being pranked, but I wanted to see myself on camera. But they blurred our faces.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right.

[Nicole Parker]

And then. So, unfortunately, what happened? I saw the first cut of a trailer. There was one where they kept, you know, they had to do all new pranks for the pilot. And I asked them not to do this. They did one while I was getting out of the shower and they show me this trailer. They blurred my face, not my body. I'm completely naked. And I thought, what are you doing?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's very unsettling. It's so unsettling, every aspect of it.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, it's obviously not going to make it into the show. God, I hope not. I said to them, is it on cable?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, it's a streaming platform, so it's Christian. It's the only streaming platform that won't be available on Sundays. Is that correct?

[Nicole Parker]

Correct. Yes, it will be available.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It goes dark.

[Nicole Parker]

It just. No, it just plays the national anthem and a flying flag, to be honest. It gets a lot of views all day on Sundays.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow.

[Nicole Parker]

Some people just sit and watch it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Fourth of July falls on a Sunday.

[Bert Miapede]

Oh, it's perfect as a cross dipping in chick fil a sauce.

[Nicole Parker]

Sure. A nugget shaped. A shape. A cross shaped nugget. Nope.

[Bert Miapede]

Is that how you slow motion dipping? Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, slow motion dip.

[Bert Miapede]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

For a second I thought it sounded disrespectful, but the slow motion obviously changes things.

[Nicole Parker]

But. So, okay, anyways, back to my meeting that I had with them. I said, okay, well, how about, you know, there's all these actors that get to do their one man Chekhov or one man Seagull or whatever, you know, and. And I thought, well, you guys don't have any plans.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did you see, you know, the one I. I thought was kind of oppressive was Glengarry Glenn. Me?

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. I did not see that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, that was Pete Fernagog.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And he went for it.

[Nicole Parker]

Did he?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It wasn't good.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. But I don't see how it could be.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I admired the effort so much.

[Nicole Parker]

It really is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All of the characters sounded exactly the same.

[Nicole Parker]

Of course, he made no effort, did he?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He didn't even his body. He just kind of stood in the center of the stage.

[Nicole Parker]

Honestly, he's. He's lucky. He's a lucky guy. He's gotten a lot of parts just because he's the. He's the only really tall, really handsome actors we have in this town.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's gorgeous. Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

And he sells tickets. I mean, he sells tickets, so it sucks. Because, you know, he doesn't really put in the work. He doesn't focus on the craft. Yeah, he just stands there and looks pretty.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That was less of a one man show than a recitation. He really just seemed to be. Had memorized the. And was.

[Nicole Parker]

But then. And I did hear they had a turntable in the show. So how did that work? He stood next to it and it just had rotating like props for him.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Or the set would move around and he stood like just on the very edge of the stage as the set revolves. But it just. It was a continuous revolve. So it didn't indicate anything changing. You weren't like, oh, now this guy's talking because we're here. It was just. He did it almost like the Micro Machines guy. Like he. He spit it out as quickly as he possibly could.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, that is a man I thought about for a very long time, Junior.

[Bert Miapede]

Also a beautiful man.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Also beautiful. Micro Machines man is big.

[Nicole Parker]

So fast.

[Bert Miapede]

Devastating.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So fast. He spoke so fast. So you had the meeting?

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. And I said, how about a one. How about a one man Christmas Carol where I'm just gonna play all the parts, you know, and that is. It's easy for me because the story's. I don't. I don't have to think about. I also don't have to really cut things. I don't. It's not Shakespeare. Shakespeare's harder. This is. Everyone knows this story.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Everyone knows. It's a story. It's a short story.

[Nicole Parker]

It's a short story.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's not that long.

[Nicole Parker]

It's not that long.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Novella, I guess.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. Yeah, that's right.

[Bert Miapede]

Are you going to be everyone in it?

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, babe. That's what it means.

[Bert Miapede]

McDuck.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Where do you think he appears in.

[Nicole Parker]

The story, the original dickens novella? Scrooge McDuck, babe.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Bert Miapede]

Towards the beginning.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right towards the beginning. Do you believe that he's the main character?

[Bert Miapede]

Yeah, you could argue that.

[Nicole Parker]

I love how he says that like he's in a college.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Vader, get in there.

[Nicole Parker]

I don't know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Darth Vader's the main character of Star Wars.

[Bert Miapede]

I would argue so.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, well, you probably.

[Nicole Parker]

He's really using college speak. It's like a very serious English course.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Doug, does the name Ebenezer Scrooge mean anything to you?

[Nicole Parker]

He's come up on the podcast, babe.

[Bert Miapede]

He has Ebenezer Scrooge.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. Yes.

[Bert Miapede]

Okay. Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Bert Miapede]

Ebenezer Scrooge McDuck.

[Nicole Parker]

No, that's not his full name. It's just Ebenezer Scrooge Okay. Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow.

[Nicole Parker]

I think that that's. That okay. Meant. Agree to disagree.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Absolutely. And you know what?

[Bert Miapede]

I know what I've seen with my eyes and my ears.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That is not. I'm not going to explore that.

[Nicole Parker]

Anyways, I don't have a lot of time to put it together, so I'm just gonna get started. But I've been on the treadmill. Doug has been throwing different wigs at me, and I'm just trying to. I might do the show on a treadmill. I might have, like, you know, you can have a turntable.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Exactly.

[Nicole Parker]

You can also have a built in, sort of like, walkway. And that way I can sort of a jamirical. That's right. And people can walk past me with a coat, with a wig, with a.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know, I don't hate it.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, great.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, I think this sounds fun. And nobody's done this.

[Nicole Parker]

Of course nobody's done this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

People have done One Man Christmas Carol a billion times, but nobody's done this walkway idea.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, that's right. That's what I mean. Listen.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Nobody has incorporated Scrooge McDuck, which I think.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, I was not going to, but.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now maybe he's a little Easter egg.

[Nicole Parker]

I get. I'll do it as a little Easter duck egg for you.

[Bert Miapede]

You gotta slice the bean.

[Nicole Parker]

What? What?

[Bert Miapede]

No, you. Slicing the beans for Christmas Carol.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They slice a bean.

[Nicole Parker]

Slice the bean.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Bert Miapede]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They go to Chicago and they skateboard, and if you can. If you can get enough air to sort of ricochet your board off of the bean. That's called slicing the bean.

[Nicole Parker]

I did not know this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Burton, you know a lot of different things.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I do. Isn't that interesting, or am I an interesting person?

[Nicole Parker]

Well, you have a lot of knowledge of the entertainment industry, which always surprises.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Me from my girlfriend, Gabby.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, how is she doing?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She's doing terrific.

[Nicole Parker]

How are you guys doing? Now, because we haven't talked about this for a few episodes, but it does seem like you're evening out. From your experience over the summer, leaving Mykonos, having to have an emergency lava landing, climbing to the top of the plane.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right.

[Nicole Parker]

Getting picked up by helicopters and having amazing sex afterwards.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. And then thinking I was immortal.

[Nicole Parker]

And thinking you were mortal, which I think that you realized you're not after several reckless dalliances.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. And then I ate some celery.

[Nicole Parker]

And.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Which I'm deathly allergic to.

[Nicole Parker]

And you. You were reminded.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. That I was like, oh, that's right.

[Nicole Parker]

Which I believe you said causes Things to fly into your mouth instead of for you to choke.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's correct. That's correct.

[Nicole Parker]

Just never heard of that before.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, a lot of people have.

[Nicole Parker]

I think that you're the only one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's rare.

[Nicole Parker]

It's rare for sure.

[Bert Miapede]

Was it ants on a log?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What was ants on a log?

[Bert Miapede]

That's nice.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, the first bite, sure. You know, I like the log, I don't like the ants, and it's too bad because I'm. I am allergic.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh. But the answer, the best part, they're little chocolate sprinkles.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, is that what that is?

[Bert Miapede]

I thought they were raisins.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I thought they were raisins, too.

[Nicole Parker]

This is a constant conversation with everybody I run into. People either grew up with raisins or chocolate sprinkles. So funny I ask you, what looks more like ants, chocolate sprinkles, or large round raisins?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I guess for me it's tough to decide which goes worse with all the ingredients that remain.

[Nicole Parker]

It's an easy answer.

[Bert Miapede]

But that's funny because.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hold on a second. Okay.

[Bert Miapede]

Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

Holding. Holding.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Antonologue is celery.

[Nicole Parker]

Celery. Either raisins or chocolate celery first, then peanut butter.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Peanut butter.

[Nicole Parker]

Did you forget that part?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I honestly did. I thought it was something else.

[Nicole Parker]

And then it was just dry celery.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, I know. Knew there was some sort of paste that went on there, but I couldn't remember what the substance was. And. And it's not the substance, of course, but I was. I was picturing something that was not peanut butter, that was more.

[Nicole Parker]

I don't know, but cream cheese.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, maybe that's what I was picturing.

[Nicole Parker]

I mean, people do do that, but that would be. That would. I just. That would be terrible. With raisins or with chocolate sprinkles.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I just don't understand how. Chocolate. Peanut butter.

[Nicole Parker]

Of course. Sure. Easy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How did the celery get in there?

[Nicole Parker]

Well, I think it was an attempt to get the kids to eat something healthy. Do you know what I mean?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What a terrible attempt. Celery, which is a. Which is a health neutral plant.

[Nicole Parker]

Not really. Does it have fiber? It has fiber in it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It has fiber. It has water.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. It has water. And you know, I need.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I need to hydrate my kids. I better get them to eat this celery.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, and the problem is, because my boys were pyromaniacs, they would make me do it on an actual tiny stick.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right.

[Nicole Parker]

And then peanut butter, and then they would just set it on fire. So I just stopped Making it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, that's smart.

[Nicole Parker]

I. I think so, too, but hang on. So now that you. You would sort of leveled out, what do you two do now for a fun night out?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, sorry. Doug was holding. Doug was holding.

[Nicole Parker]

He's been holding this whole time. And I bet he was holding his breath.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And back to you, Doug.

[Bert Miapede]

I was going to just point out that it's interesting that Joan loves raisins on pasta and.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, yeah. Do you have that recipe?

[Bert Miapede]

Recipes? Yeah, but not on peanut.

[Nicole Parker]

No. What's it called?

[Bert Miapede]

Paste in a blanket.

[Nicole Parker]

What? No. Where did that come from?

[Bert Miapede]

Babe, are there any head to spit something out?

[Nicole Parker]

What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Other foods use prepositions?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, I was going to say chicken a la king, but that's a French preposition.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There's chicken of the sea.

[Nicole Parker]

There's chicken of the sea, which is tuna. Jessica Simpson. Remember, remember, Remember those times?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Remember those times?

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, well, I did want. I mean, we probably need to take a break, but what. What was like the latest out you and toad in a hole. Very good. Yep. Yep.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you, Doug. What are we doing for fun these days? Well, we've been building. We're trying to make a quicksand pit in her yard.

[Nicole Parker]

This is cool. Okay. This, babe.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Because we want to practice getting free of quicksand. Why do you want me to drown in quicksand?

[Nicole Parker]

I don't. And listen, I understand. Like, why would you have ever pretended. Oh, let's do a drill of getting on the top of a plane that's in a lava slide. But that did happen to you, so I suppose it's fair for me to say. I guess anything could happen to you at this point.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's so true.

[Nicole Parker]

But this now sounds, once again, like a cheat death scenario. And I don't want you in those. You should go to a movie. Go have dinner. These are normal things that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Things like that sometimes.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, but.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But this is. This is. I think, because of our experience in Mykonos, we decided we should be prepared for anything.

[Nicole Parker]

I mean, I understand that it starts with quicksand. It doesn't. What's that rule that it starts with quicksand? That is incredibly rare to come across.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We just declared. Okay, well, it's incredibly rare to have a lava landing.

[Nicole Parker]

I mean, that's true.

[Bert Miapede]

Now, what's the technique to get out of quicksand? Because I've always heard the more you try, the more you.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. You're not supposed to struggle.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, you're not supposed to struggle.

[Bert Miapede]

Look big.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're supposed to look big. No, Now, Doug, that's a version of.

[Nicole Parker]

Just trying to scare a bear and just make sound. Is that what you do? You just scream to scare the quicksand?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You. Now, I wish it were that simple. You have to let your body go limp.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And you have to turn your face up completely towards the sky so you can get. You can. You can have as much air as possible till the last possible.

[Nicole Parker]

But wait, that just. So you just accept your death?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, no, no.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Then you start screaming for help.

[Nicole Parker]

All right, well.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You first. You make. You make. Okay. As you realize you're in quicksand, you look around. Look for branches and vines.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, this is. This is Burns. This is a call back to. To Joan's lizard tricks. This is. This is Burns. Quicksand tricks.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Quicksand, quick tips.

[Nicole Parker]

Quicksand, quick tips. Okay, number one, look around.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Look around for. So you know where. The location of every branch and vine nearby.

[Bert Miapede]

This is when you're not even like a. Like a centimeter deep.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is when you first realize. Oh, I'm a quicksand. Then, as you. To control your sinking, you raise your arms above your head.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. Seems like that's easier access for the quicksand. It really does. You've just made yourself aerodynamic.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, the quick quicksand wants to enjoy itself.

[Nicole Parker]

The quicksand is a character in this story. Clearly, to you, this has a.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I mean, it's like, you know, in Deep Blue Sea, when Samuel Jackson talks about the mind of an avalanche, Quicksand wants to. And wants to savor you.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, this is like the sarlacc. Yes, okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Exactly. So you have some time.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And so you raise your arms so that people can see you.

[Nicole Parker]

It's just weird because raising arms is sort of like an international gesture for, I'm giving up. I surrender. So it just doesn't seem like a strong move.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, if you saw someone with raised arms, wouldn't you be curious what they're surrendering about? It attracts attention. That's why when. When. If you're being attacked, you yell, fire. You'll help. So it is good to yell quicksand, though, because everyone wants to see it.

[Nicole Parker]

People are first going to rush because they want to see it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. They're like, oh, really? Yeah. And then they see somebody stuck in there.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They'll assume it's somebody pointing it out.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. All right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then you tell people where the vines and branches are.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. Because then they're gonna do what, grab one and have you hold on to it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, exactly.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. What if no one comes what's the point of identifying the branches you can't reach? Okay, well, this. It doesn't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Someone always comes.

[Nicole Parker]

Someone always comes. We know that's not true.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That. How do we know that's not true?

[Nicole Parker]

Because all the people who died in quicksand aren't around to tell us that no one came.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And who are those people?

[Nicole Parker]

I guess you have a point.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you. Well, we have to take a break. When we return, we'll have more with the Neighbor Listen when the neighbor Listen returns.

[Joan Pedestrian]

This is a message from sponsor Intuit.

[Nicole Parker]

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[Joan Pedestrian]

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[Nicole Parker]

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[Joan Pedestrian]

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[Paul F. Tompkins]

Amateur radio parentheses ham close parentheses Equipment offered are two pieces of legacy ham gear. Number one gone Set noise clipper. Number two, RL Drake cue multiplier with speaker. Now, these are going for 100 to $300 on eBay. Both are in good condition. I'm offering these for free as I don't want to see them end up in the recycle pit. These parts, they've been good to me in my ham radio setup and you know, I just want them to have a good home. I don't want them to end up in the recycle bin. They still got love to give. And I do feel that every component of a ham radio has love to give, even though it don't know it. It's just a bunch of parts, wires, so forth. But what it gives us is so much more. Can you imagine life without a ham radio? I know I can't. That's why I never want to go to space. If there's no ham radio up there, I'll stay right down here. Excuse me for getting so emotional. These ham radio parts is free to you from me, Jay. They call me Hammy. And welcome back to the neighborhood. Listen, Joan, I'm sorry I startled you there.

[Nicole Parker]

What you sometimes do, although I like it because it just gets me. It wakes me back up sometimes. Sometimes. Neil. Waking up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Absolutely. We are recording very early today.

[Nicole Parker]

Really early in the morning. The sun is not up yet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, it's. I've. I've never been here when it's been so dark. There's no lights on. Well, Joan, we have a guest, as we do every week. And, folks, the way this podcast works is we scour the Nature neighborhap, the social networking application for neighborhoods, and we look for interesting people from Dignity Falls to talk to and share with you. And this week is no different. If you think that you have seen a post that we have overlooked, why don't you screenshot it and send it to [e-mail] and now we have. This is posted in the crime and safety section and it's just by. It just says neighbor.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Posted this. So it's a little incognito and neighbor rights. Strange interaction with someone from neighborhap. A man. Alex sent a DM asking if I needed a house cleaner or if I knew anyone who needed one. I thought that was great initiative and booked an appointment with him. Big mistake. He contacted me a few days later and wanted me to advance him money for supplies. I told him.

[Nicole Parker]

Sorry.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I told him I had all the cleaning products for him to use. First clue, do not proceed. I then canceled due to being uncomfortable with the request before we had even worked together. He then claimed I had the wrong number and demanded a 50 cancellation fee. You have the wrong number. Also, you owe me $50. On Monday, the day we had agreed on, I got a text from him at 6 and 6 and in the morning.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Advising he would be here well past her green start time. I texted him back that I had canceled with him. He blew up and demanded the $50 cancellation fee. This is the reply. That's unacceptable. Pay a $50 cancellation fee or I'm beating you to death later this year. Wow.

[Nicole Parker]

Still going. There's more.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. He then proceeded to call multiple times and his message advised again that if I didn't pay the cancellation fee, he would quote F you. You up because of this. Beware of this guy. He seems very unhinged. Now, here to talk about this harrowing experience. Wow Is our neighbor. Who is. We can identify you now. That's all right.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. His name is Jimmy John Pizzeway.

[Nicole Parker]

Hello. That's right. Hi. Jimmy John.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Hi.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, this is. Wow. You are so sort of Cheerful and upbeat for receiving this kind of aggressive interaction with this person.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Well, that's the Jimmy John way.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, well, I think that's wonderful.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I brought some of my famous celery.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, perfect. We were shutting. Now. Why is your celery fam famous?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Well, I grow the best celery.

[Nicole Parker]

You do? I didn't know that. Do you grow other things or just celery?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Just celery.

[Nicole Parker]

Really?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What makes it the best?

[Nicole Parker]

I'm gonna ask. Good question, Bert.

[Joan Pedestrian]

The color. Oh, the crisp.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Very green.

[Nicole Parker]

It's very green.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I feel like it doesn't need any sauce or anything.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, you mean like bare bones? How people usually to ants. Analog. Yeah. What does that mean to you, Jimmy John? Do you do. If you. If I said to you ants on a log, what would you think the ants are made of?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, prunes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, wow.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Big ants.

[Nicole Parker]

That would probably. Those are probably only allow for two prunes per log.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I call it small log. I call them baron trees.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Bear on trees.

[Nicole Parker]

Bear on trees.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's greater. That is fun. And is this a family recipe?

[Joan Pedestrian]

I guess I don't have a family.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh.

[Joan Pedestrian]

So it's pretty much. I guess it is a family recipe if I'm my own family.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, dear. Well, I want to ask more about that, but let's first of all check in with you. How long ago did this interaction happen? The very first time that, you know, you were contacted by. Is it Alex?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, Alex. Yes. And the clock. Because the clock is ticking on the threat.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I know.

[Nicole Parker]

I mean, it's sometime later this year, but we don't have a lot of time in this year, so.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It was earlier this year.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, no.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah. Is that. It was in January.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, wow.

[Nicole Parker]

He's really taking his time.

[Joan Pedestrian]

He started.

[Nicole Parker]

I think you should charge a 50 fee for the lateness of this death threat. It.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I'm scared constantly. Anytime I hear a noise, I go, who is it?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, no.

[Nicole Parker]

That's so sad.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes. I flick on the lights because you're.

[Nicole Parker]

Always in the dark. Okay.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Saving energy.

[Nicole Parker]

Sure, I understand.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I thought maybe you were hiding from this psychopath, but you're. It's just saving energy.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Just saving energy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right.

[Nicole Parker]

So this happened in what? January?

[Joan Pedestrian]

January.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. And then have you heard from him at all since this, the last time of the threat?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes. He calls me and I always pick up now.

[Nicole Parker]

Why?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Because who doesn't love a phone call?

[Nicole Parker]

Well, but do you have them in your phone? As you know, Alex or asshole or whatever, or don't answer.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I have a lot of Alex's in My phone. So it kind of gets confusing. I should put last names.

[Nicole Parker]

You definitely should.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You should put at least Alex, who will beat me to death.

[Nicole Parker]

You should put it. That should be the contact name.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I should.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, this Alex.

[Nicole Parker]

But you. Oh, the way that Doug would say the mug room.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's correct.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, so. So a couple things. First of all, I just want to acknowledge how bad shit crazy Alex is. I mean, to literally, like. Like you pointed out to. For. For to not only say you're the wrong number, but now you need to pay $50 for a late fee. And the second time, he forgot because he said, I'm gonna be there, but I'm gonna be late.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

And then. And then Jimmy John had to remind him that he wasn't even going with them anymore. And then he had again demanded the 50. $50.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now curious about the. You have the wrong number.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How did he present this to you? How did he try to sell you on the fact that you were calling the wrong person and then asked for.

[Nicole Parker]

A 50 cancellation nerve.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I don't know if that was Alex. I think that. Because that's happened before where I accidentally call somebody and they're like, oh, you have the wrong number. You owe me $50.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No.

[Joan Pedestrian]

And then I have to venmo them $50.

[Nicole Parker]

No. First of all, you don't.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You really don't.

[Nicole Parker]

Also, why do you think you call the wrong number so often?

[Joan Pedestrian]

I don't. Look, when I dial now, that is because of the dark.

[Nicole Parker]

But wait, doesn't your phone light up and you can see.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I turn that off. It's too bright.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It is pretty bright sometimes. Especially in the dark.

[Nicole Parker]

Especially in the dark. I.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Once I. Sometimes I don't even use my phone. It ends up being a TV remote. I was like, oh, dear. And then the TV turns on right when I'm trying to dial someone.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That must be alarming.

[Joan Pedestrian]

And then I end up watching a show.

[Nicole Parker]

And then you never call the person.

[Joan Pedestrian]

No. And then I forget.

[Nicole Parker]

How many times would you say that you dial the wrong person per week?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, probably.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, no, he's counting them.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Starting from one.

[Nicole Parker]

From one. I think he's already in double digits.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's got his fingers going in the air. Oh, no, other hand.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Once a day.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Once a day.

[Nicole Parker]

That was crazy math.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That was crazy math. It was almost chisel bop. Now, let me ask you this, please.

[Nicole Parker]

He's so pleasant.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Does it sound like the same voice every time?

[Nicole Parker]

Who says, oh, that is a very good question.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Well, I think he tries. He must do improv because he does do different voices, which I commit. I think that's great.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You know, have a fun hobby. You know, I was proud that he took the initiative to, like, start his own business.

[Bert Miapede]

Right.

[Joan Pedestrian]

So I was proud of him when he's doing different voices because I think it's kind of charming. But I did know it was him.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right?

[Joan Pedestrian]

And I was like, hey, Alex, stop the shenanigans. I know the scheme.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Absolutely.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You did do a nice job cleaning the house.

[Nicole Parker]

Wait, he did actually clean the house? Well, I don't know.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I had to. He kept.

[Nicole Parker]

Did you?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Well, he showed up.

[Nicole Parker]

He did show up one day. Oh, this is important information.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is important information. That was not in the Post.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, yeah, it was not in the post.

[Joan Pedestrian]

No. I was asleep one night, and then I saw someone standing in my doorway.

[Nicole Parker]

What?

[Joan Pedestrian]

I was like, who is it?

[Nicole Parker]

That's horrifying. Do you not lock your door?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, no.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why? You say it so emphatically.

[Nicole Parker]

I know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who has the time? It's a time issue for you.

[Joan Pedestrian]

When I need to get out of the house, I can't. I just leave, you know?

[Nicole Parker]

I understand that, but I'm talking about.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's a lot of doors.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. I'm talking about at night. It doesn't take a lot of time to lock the door, does it? If you're trying to get out for your day. I can, I guess, see that. But if you're doing nothing but going to bed. Easy. Easy. Move to. Just lock the door. Easy. Easy. Clothes. Easy. Clues. Easy. Is that what you said?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I thought that's what you were going to say.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, but now I thought you were.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Gonna say, easy, cleeasy, which I've never heard before.

[Nicole Parker]

Anyways, I don't. I guess I don't really understand that, but. So let's continue. He's standing in your doorway, and then what happened?

[Joan Pedestrian]

He says, where are your cleaning supplies?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh. Which impression was that? I don't like that impression.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah, I said that, too.

[Nicole Parker]

That's Alex's normal resting voice.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is that his regular voice, or was he doing a character?

[Joan Pedestrian]

I think he's doing a character. Okay, almost.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Give me back my son.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah. Where is my son? Ransom?

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Ransom.

[Nicole Parker]

Ransom.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Ransom.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Ransom.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So, Doug, did you want to say Ransom? Ransom.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Who is that?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's Doug. That's Jones.

[Nicole Parker]

Sorry, you're right. You can't. You can't see him, but you can hear him. He's in. He's in a. Hello?

[Joan Pedestrian]

His voice came from nowhere.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Doug. Did you say Henlo? Like, people assigned to Dog. Okay.

[Bert Miapede]

Yeah, I saw that the other day. Hello.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hello. Hello, friend.

[Nicole Parker]

What is hello? I don't know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This people like to put. When they put dialogue for their dogs in captions.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know, on a video. Yes. They will have the dog saying hello.

[Nicole Parker]

Why?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I. I don't know, Jones. I don't know. I. I guess it's a dog wouldn't know how to say hello properly.

[Nicole Parker]

That's be pretty rude. Assuming a dog wouldn't. Wouldn't know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He would have picked it up by now.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. Anyhow, so he says that in that scary voice. And he was there with. I mean, first of all, it's insane that he would ask that Jimmy John buy all the supplies. I mean, what kind of.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That, of course, sounds like making an.

[Nicole Parker]

Appointment with a dentist. And the dentist is like, okay, great. Can you buy some. Some equipment. Some dental equipment before I work on your cavity? That's crazy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think it's more like the dentist saying, pay me up front. And then you get there and there's.

[Joan Pedestrian]

No dentist office, which has happened.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's happened to me too.

[Nicole Parker]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a weird. It's a weird scam here, but a weird deadness scam.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Bert Miapede]

But anyway, so they do leave a tumbleweed there that insults the injury.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I was like, well, that's a little much.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. So I assumed that he was saying, you have to front me the money for the cleaning supplies. And then, of course, he was never going to show up. He would get that money and then that would be it.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Right.

[Nicole Parker]

But he. So he shows up. Did he do a good job cleaning? Your visit. A house or an apartment?

[Joan Pedestrian]

It's a house. It's a little bit both.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's got 17 doors.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It's like an apartment, but no other apartments attached to it.

[Nicole Parker]

So a house.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I guess so.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But wait, if there's no other apartments attached to it. It's a tiny little house, the cutest.

[Nicole Parker]

Little house with 17 doors.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right. But are all those doors yours?

[Bert Miapede]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. So. Yes, it's a. It's a house.

[Nicole Parker]

I can't picture this. As a realtor, I can't picture it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It sounds like all the walls are doors.

[Nicole Parker]

Is that true?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah, you know, like open concepts.

[Nicole Parker]

Sure.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It's not that.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. This is just door, door, door, door into the kitchen, door into the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So there's multiple doors in every room?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, wow. That's exhausting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a Jack and Jill.

[Nicole Parker]

Like a ship concept, like a submarine, where you can just.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Absolutely.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You have like four ways to leave a Room.

[Nicole Parker]

Right, I see. All right. We got options. Did he do a good job?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes, he. You know what he did.

[Nicole Parker]

That's shocking.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah, well, he was threatening the whole.

[Nicole Parker]

Time because this is post death threat.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

So. So but you would think that because wasn't the. The. The. The sort of rules of the whole thing is that unless you let me come clean your house, I will kill you. So maybe. Is he still under threat? What did he say about the death threat?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, let me look at.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, yeah, let's go back and look. Let's go first. Let's go back to the text.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I always say seem like he is demanding to clean the house.

[Nicole Parker]

He wants.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He wants them.

[Nicole Parker]

He was.

[Joan Pedestrian]

And I like that. I appreciate that. If you want something, can you quickly.

[Nicole Parker]

Tell me what the. The fu. It sounds like he said F, but then he did a dot, dot, dot you up. How does that happen?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He then proceeded to call multiple times his message. His message advised again that if I didn't pay the cancellation fee, he would f you dot, dot you up.

[Nicole Parker]

See, that doesn't quote fu. So were you ck?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I would imagine attention.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, I guess I should have looked at it. It just seemed like it's. It's implied that it's you up. So it sounds. I thought it was you up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Friend you up.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, that's a very positive way to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Look at it when you're f. You, you, you. You think friend you.

[Bert Miapede]

Yes.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Who doesn't love a good friend?

[Nicole Parker]

Especially when you live very optimistic, small.

[Joan Pedestrian]

House by yourself and you have no family. No family.

[Nicole Parker]

So what was he threatening? What did he do while he was cleaning? Okay, we are going to get to that very soon. You keep making mentioning it. It seems important. What did he do when he was cleaning and you said he was being threatened?

[Joan Pedestrian]

He cursed at me the whole time. I was like, this doesn't sound like a friend.

[Nicole Parker]

Definitely.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I'm gonna wipe the floor clean with you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh.

[Joan Pedestrian]

And I was like, please use paper towels.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right?

[Nicole Parker]

Oh my goodness. And then what did he say afterwards? Did he say. So he didn't say to you, oh, I'm not gonna kill you anymore?

[Joan Pedestrian]

He said, I'm all done here. And then he was taking off and he's like, hire me again. I'm gonna. And I was like, did you. I gotta get some sleep.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, but how about calling the police? Did you ever think of that?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Because that I don't have their number.

[Nicole Parker]

Direct threat.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, you don't have to. You can just call that.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I love that show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, it's A real thing.

[Nicole Parker]

No, it's. It's a real thing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a real thing.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That's a small number. I know telephone numbers are usually.

[Nicole Parker]

You have to. You do have to dial the right person for 911, but it's very easy to remember.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's 911.

[Nicole Parker]

It's 911.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Because I think maybe you should do that. It's important if someone comes to your house and physically threatens for you. Sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

That. I'd say that's a job for the police.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Absolutely.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. But call 911.

[Nicole Parker]

He's nodding, and I don't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Maybe the actor, Brian Safi will answer.

[Nicole Parker]

I think that's the part. No, I think actually that part might have been what got him to call, I think.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I hope so.

[Nicole Parker]

I don't feel like he's going to, though. Now let's get into not having a family.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Dawn, can you tell me what that means? Because obviously you came from somewhere. You came from someone. Where. Where and what is your family?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm excluding the idea that you came from dust and to dust you shall return. But in between.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, go ahead.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, they all died in a boating.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How many people in your family.

[Nicole Parker]

Wait. In a boating catastrophe.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, wow. Worse than an accident.

[Nicole Parker]

It is. This really is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are you okay? Is this okay to talk about?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes. Oh, no, I've never talked about it.

[Nicole Parker]

Whatever.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like you haven't been to therapy or anything?

[Nicole Parker]

No, no.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow.

[Nicole Parker]

How old are you, may I ask? Jimmy John.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I am a 40.

[Nicole Parker]

Ew.

[Joan Pedestrian]

And I live alone and I don't have a family.

[Nicole Parker]

You are a 40. Okay. What was the. What happened. Can I ask? Was this here in Digny Falls? Were you born and raised in Dignity Falls?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

How old were you when this happened?

[Joan Pedestrian]

39.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This was last year.

[Nicole Parker]

Did you happen last year?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

So you did at least. Can I establish you had a good childhood, you had a family your whole life growing up. Up.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, we didn't talk.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

None of how many people in your family?

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. Now he's doing the crazy math again. Going to end up with two. Four divided by four.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Two.

[Nicole Parker]

I told you it was going to be two.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So your mom and dad.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. Okay. And you? Okay.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Well, I guess that makes it three.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, including you.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, of course. That's right. So. So what happened last year?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Well, we. I don't. I don't. There's a catastrophe. I got a phone call.

[Bert Miapede]

Is this before or after the lake was drained?

[Nicole Parker]

Well, probably. Probably after, right? I don't know. You tell.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Well, they like they drained the lake because of the catastrophe.

[Nicole Parker]

I didn't know that.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah, they wanted the boat. They wanted to try to resell the boat.

[Nicole Parker]

But it was probably also to recover your parents, right?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, they were vaporized.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Vaporized?

[Nicole Parker]

What happened?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The boat was intact enough to resell hell, but they were vaporized in an explosion.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes. I mean, the bones were still there in the boat.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, no, it. What?

[Joan Pedestrian]

To make a new boat or to make a boat?

[Nicole Parker]

What? Wait.

[Joan Pedestrian]

And their bones weren't there because they were vaporized.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, the bones of the boat.

[Nicole Parker]

Like this house has good bones. Okay, that was good. You can understand that was very confusing to us.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I don't see how.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Jonah's a realtor. Have you ever heard that term applied to boats, Boats before?

[Nicole Parker]

Never. Never.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You don't say a houseboat has good bones.

[Nicole Parker]

Don't say housebones. Houseboat, bones. I don't say.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I love house. I love bones. Both good shows.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Two terrific shows.

[Nicole Parker]

There's always house bones and nine one one. Something mysterious wrong with a boat.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Always something. That boat is lupus now. So you say you.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You didn't talk with your family?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, they did not like me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Really?

[Nicole Parker]

This is terrible.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did they say why?

[Joan Pedestrian]

They said I wasn't fun to talk to. They said, you know, that like I wasn't a good dancer.

[Nicole Parker]

Such a specific.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's great as a reason not to talk to someone.

[Nicole Parker]

Absolutely. Makes no sense. Also, in dancing there's no talking. And he was a bad dancer, so.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I wasn't good at either things. And I guess they talking or dancing? Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But did you have other skills that you tried to demonstrate for them that might have piqued their interest?

[Joan Pedestrian]

I tried to do a little bit of, you know, cooking.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, sure. I mean, is this where you sort of got your green thumb for celery? Okay. You were trying to sort of maybe show them, look, this is the celery.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I'm the celery king. Is this self appointed of dignity falls?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We stand a celery king. And celery did. Were there other things that you tried to grow and then you folk and then you realized celery was the best, or was it celery the whole time?

[Joan Pedestrian]

It's pretty much. I. Well, I only had enough money that day to get celery seeds.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right.

[Nicole Parker]

What?

[Joan Pedestrian]

And once the celery tree grew, I was like, oh, I'm not sure I'm gonna stick with celery.

[Nicole Parker]

I wasn't aware that celery came off of a tree.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I honestly don't know how it grows?

[Nicole Parker]

Well, I'm pretty sure that it grows as a plant out of the soil, in the ground, out of the ground.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Ground. Okay, that makes sense.

[Bert Miapede]

Trees.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That's a tree.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, you think anything that grows out of the ground is a tree?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. All right. Well, by that rubric, if I'm using that correctly, then yes, I suppose so.

[Nicole Parker]

We're struggling with the meaning of words today.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I just solved a rubric cube.

[Nicole Parker]

There's a mouthful.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The rubric groove, of course, is local to dictatorship falls.

[Nicole Parker]

It's maddening.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's maddening. It's not even shaped like a cube, which is the first frustrating thing.

[Bert Miapede]

Yeah, tell me about it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you remember those off brand Rubik's cubes? They would maybe, like, be like a pyramid shape.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, yes, yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

One was like a cylinder.

[Nicole Parker]

Very obnoxious.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We wouldn't see that again until the Da Vinci Code.

[Nicole Parker]

So. Okay, can I ask is. Is please. Do you actually. Do you actually sell the celery or do you have a different means of income? What is your job?

[Joan Pedestrian]

I design driveways.

[Nicole Parker]

You design driveways? Is there like a name for that? I mean, is that your. Are you. Are you just in construction or are you. I mean, what was that? What would you call that?

[Joan Pedestrian]

A driveologist. Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

See, I figured there was a word for it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Driveologist. That. Okay.

[Joan Pedestrian]

The study of driveways.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I was gonna say it sounds like you study them.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Joan Pedestrian]

And then I design them.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right, right. And are there.

[Nicole Parker]

I didn't know that much went into designing them that you could just simply make your living off of doing that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I can only think of a few designs.

[Nicole Parker]

Right. There's like the standard where it's just. Just a slight incline up. Right. There's the. There's a sort of half circle, right. Where you could drive up and multiple people. People can park. That is their name for that kind.

[Joan Pedestrian]

The horseshoe.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, the horseshoe. Makes sense.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Elegant.

[Nicole Parker]

And then I suppose there's like maybe the carport where you can drive way, way into your. I don't know, the side. On the side of your house a little bit longer. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I suppose you could you decide, do I want to do gravel?

[Joan Pedestrian]

I don't work with gravel.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Asphalt. You won't work with gravel. Really?

[Joan Pedestrian]

If I show up to your house and you're like, I want gravel. I'm like, I'm out of here.

[Nicole Parker]

I mean, frankly, gravel's annoying. Who wants to drive over that? I hate it. It's terrible. Okay, so do you get a lot of clients? You have a lot of clients? You Have a sort of good business. No, my answer was going to be.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That I've designed my driveway.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, okay.

[Joan Pedestrian]

And then I've drawn a lot of pictures of driveways I would design.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So do you have any? You have no clients?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Well, if you put it that way, I guess. No.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Nicole Parker]

At your home, how many drawings, say, on the wall, would we see a drive driveway? No, I didn't even make him. You know what? I didn't mean to make him do his math again. I walked right into it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You really did.

[Bert Miapede]

I don't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't see how he's not going to do it.

[Nicole Parker]

Co. Sign. He just did cosine.

[Bert Miapede]

I can hear his fingers flying around.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, now he's writing. Now he's. He's. He's getting a pencil wet. He's. He's writing. He's licking a pencil, and he's trying to write on my windows.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, that's not gonna work.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I guess about 20.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, okay.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Give or take. Or take a. To take and give and.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are these all unique designs?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes. There's the squiggle.

[Nicole Parker]

Squiggle driveway.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It's a really fun driveway.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Where you just go back and forth, and then you end up not at the house, you end up back at the road.

[Nicole Parker]

So like a maze. Yeah, a maze driveway.

[Joan Pedestrian]

A maze driveway, but with only one route.

[Nicole Parker]

Why do you think someone would want that?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Great question, Joan.

[Nicole Parker]

Thanks.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Someone that's got a sense of humor, who wants to have a little fun in life.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, fair enough. Do you have someone special in your life? I know you said that you have no family, but do you have friends you go out with? Do you have a special someone? Romantic partner?

[Joan Pedestrian]

No.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No friends.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I tried with Alex.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, well, that's not friend material there.

[Joan Pedestrian]

When people reach out to me and they're like, hey, I want to start my own business, you know, I'm like, hey, good for you. Come on over. Or.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, you seem like such a pleasant person. It seems like you. Do you get out and about much? What are your Hobb.

[Joan Pedestrian]

See? Have I mentioned so? Yes, I have.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What else do you dance? Even though your parents said you weren't.

[Nicole Parker]

Good at it, right?

[Joan Pedestrian]

I dance. I don't see how. I dance in the dark in my house. Absolutely.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You don't go out to, like, a club or something?

[Joan Pedestrian]

And I. I wouldn't know how to get there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, there's a club. I can't remember the street.

[Nicole Parker]

No, but what do you mean you wouldn't know how to get there? You. You drive, obviously. Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, you don't drive, but you design driveways.

[Nicole Parker]

Driveways and doesn't drive.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. You have a driveway yourself.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

That you designed and it's empty. No car.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, I don't have a car.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh. And what kind of. What kind of driveway do you have? What. What kind of driveway did you design for yourself? Like a joke?

[Joan Pedestrian]

I have a octagon driveway.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. Okay. And it's just empty.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

All right.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I've got. I have bikes there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, you ride a bike.

[Nicole Parker]

That's great.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But there are bikes there.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah. Kids leave their bikes there.

[Nicole Parker]

It's a lot of space.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, sure.

[Nicole Parker]

Like, it's either. Like, hey, pre bike parking.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. How big is the octagon?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, it's about this big.

[Nicole Parker]

He's. He's holding up his hands.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. You know what? Their hands are not very far from each other. And it does seem like the octagon.

[Nicole Parker]

Is just one paper.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Is that. Is that the case?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Well, it's an apartment house.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right. Okay. But. So you couldn't really get all of a car onto it?

[Nicole Parker]

I don't think so.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I don't think so.

[Nicole Parker]

A toy car? Maybe a micro machine.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You get a wheel on there.

[Nicole Parker]

Micro machine and a wheel on there.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You guys, the celery's getting cold.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, I'm sorry. Did it start?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What temp was it when it came in?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Well, at 365. I left. I left my oven on.

[Nicole Parker]

No.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You'll have to open so many doors to get to.

[Nicole Parker]

I was going to say he doesn't have the time to lock his doors, but I guess he doesn't have time to turn off his oven.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're. You seem to be in a great rush everywhere you go.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why. Why is he.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I have a heart out.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

For what? For what?

[Nicole Parker]

Where. Where you have to be.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I've got to get home.

[Nicole Parker]

Kate, I. I guess I. There's this. You're so. You're so sweet. You're so affable. And yet I don't like thinking that this individual is just alone in the world, just running in between. I guess all he has is interactions with celery and a psychopath.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

And I don't. I'm not comfortable with either, frankly.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We. We would like more for you.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes, you would.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Joan Pedestrian]

No, it's ever. That's the nicest thing in anyone's life.

[Nicole Parker]

Here's what I want you to do. I want you. You to first of all, get home and call the police immediately. Go to the station. For God's name.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Give Me. That number again. It's already forgotten. I. I know the show.

[Nicole Parker]

So.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Remember the show. It's the same number.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. Think of Brian Saffie, the show. Okay. 91 1.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Housebones. Shouldn't have said that.

[Nicole Parker]

No, you shouldn't have. 911. Let's call it House Bones. No. Oh, I knew it. And then they're going to say the wrong number. This isn't House Bones. Phones. He's calling the wrong number all the time, apparently.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, I got that.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. Okay.

[Bert Miapede]

To be fair, the DFPD is not really gonna do much.

[Nicole Parker]

Don't say that, babe. I'm trying to get him some help. I think they might.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You think they will?

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, I guess not.

[Bert Miapede]

You'll know they're coming by the siren that goes. Come here, come here, come here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A lot of times when you report things to the police, they just say, wow, that sucks.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, Blue blood bloods.

[Bert Miapede]

They also like to say that shouldn't happen.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I know. Blue bloods.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

One time somebody told me that they went in there to report their car was stolen, and the. The cop behind the desk said, somebody should do something about that.

[Nicole Parker]

And immediately shoved a donut in his mouth.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right. Immediately started chewing so loudly, maintaining eye contact.

[Nicole Parker]

Very upsetting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Jimmy.

[Nicole Parker]

John, I still think you should give it a try.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I think you should give it a try. I think you should. You should, first of all, report Alex to the police. For all the good that's gonna do.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Then I think you need to get out and meet people so that you won't be.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, who wants to meet me?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, come on. Somebody.

[Nicole Parker]

You are just delightful. You are courteous. You are optimistic. You're pleasant. You brought snacks here, which I know.

[Joan Pedestrian]

No one has touched.

[Nicole Parker]

I'll take a bite. I'll take a bite. Oh. It's actually very hard to figure how to bite into this prune and this celery, which is actually sort of. You can't see this, but it's limp. I think that's probably because it was celery bending under the weight of 365.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You know, like spaghetti. Yeah, it's al dente celery.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Al dente celery.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay, sure. Okay. It's almost. It feels as if it hardened and burned, then it melted again, and then it's trying to harden again.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Don't tell my recipe. Secret family recipe. Don't have a family.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Have you thought about going. Going to the farmer's market and selling celery?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Just that farmers have markets.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, you know, the Dignity Falls market is Huge. It's a wonderful farmer's market. It's where people organically grow their own crops and they bring them. They put them on a little table.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Every Sunday, they close the parking lot of the hospital.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And.

[Nicole Parker]

Which is such a weird location.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I know, I. It's terrible.

[Nicole Parker]

We have so many unused lots in this town.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, my God.

[Joan Pedestrian]

No one's allowed to get hurt on Sundays.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Nobody goes to church.

[Nicole Parker]

Church.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They could use all those church parking lots. But.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, just a really confusing traffic flow. It really is, you know, with bloody noses and granola.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Bert Miapede]

The doctors love it. They're so smug.

[Nicole Parker]

They are. They are smug.

[Bert Miapede]

Yeah. Maybe if you ate more organic stuff, you wouldn't come here.

[Nicole Parker]

That's what they say.

[Bert Miapede]

That's what they say. Exactly.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, anyway, regardless of its location, I think you should go visit it. I think you should go visit it this weekend.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Bring your wares.

[Nicole Parker]

Bring your wares. Which means celery. And I would bring it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I would bring it uncooked.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, Definitely bring it raw. Raw. Just do it. Yes. Just pull it off the tree, throw it in a basket and bring it. Okay. And you might be surprised because I will say this. Does the celery does have a good color.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Thank you.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm not. I still don't know how to eat it. I am. I'm just holding it. I'm intimidated, to be honest. Can I take the prune off and eat it?

[Joan Pedestrian]

It's attached.

[Nicole Parker]

Or is it really a full bite?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You say it's attached.

[Nicole Parker]

What does that mean?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah, staples.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, no, you can't do that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't think you can put staples.

[Nicole Parker]

You can't do that. That's the family recipe.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You can. Oh, well, you shouldn't. You must. Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. No, you really should. If you are able to. Health hazard.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Have you consumed many staples? Yeah. Dear. You might have extreme internal bleeding.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Absolutely.

[Nicole Parker]

You might have to go to the hospital for the correct reason.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, yeah. So you know that. You do.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I know I do.

[Nicole Parker]

I might. I do.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I know that. I know one thing. I know that I would go to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The hospital any day, Monday through Saturday.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Don't know where it is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How long have you lived here? Oh, no.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, no. You've burnt. What are you doing?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I didn't. I thought he would know off the top of his head. I didn't think he would have to involve the fingers.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Move the decimal over to.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Where was the decimal to begin?

[Joan Pedestrian]

40.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

40 years. Years.

[Nicole Parker]

He's so your whole life.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So your entire life, you lived here and you don't know where the hospital is.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Never had to go.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, you were probably bored.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Don't have a car.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You didn't have to identify the remains of your parents or anything.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, dear.

[Joan Pedestrian]

They didn't want me to. They said that in their will.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, they said.

[Nicole Parker]

So dark.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, how is that worded?

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah, Exactly.

[Joan Pedestrian]

We don't want our son identifying our dust.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, wow.

[Nicole Parker]

So final.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Really.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow.

[Nicole Parker]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Maybe go to Bleak and Final and see if you can make some friends there. That's the discount funeral home.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes, it's the discount funeral home. They do sell toilet paper, but most of the shelves are very empty.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The. The, The. The coffins are lower than Costco.

[Nicole Parker]

They really are. They are.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

You can't get a great. You can't get a great deal there.

[Bert Miapede]

Yeah, good pillows.

[Nicole Parker]

And you have to buy. But you have good pillows.

[Bert Miapede]

They're all coffee.

[Nicole Parker]

You have to buy them in bulk. You have to buy a coffin. 12 pack is the problem.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You get 12 coffin pillows and 10 coffins.

[Bert Miapede]

It's cheaper to buy the. It's cheaper if you want a pillow. If you want a pillow. It's cheaper to buy the whole coffin at Bleak and Final than to just buy a normal pillow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, that's true. Yeah, that's true.

[Joan Pedestrian]

My bed is covered in coffin pillows. They're. They're great. They don't mess up your hair.

[Nicole Parker]

Small satin things.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You don't have to wear your bottom on it.

[Joan Pedestrian]

No.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, I, I. Oh, friend, I don't know what to tell you. I, I wish you well. I really want you to get out in the world. I also want you to get medical attention immediately. Immediately. But. And I also don't want you to ever interact with Alex again. Will you promise me that?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think you need to cut him off. Culture.

[Nicole Parker]

Really? You really?

[Joan Pedestrian]

He's the only person that calls me.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, he. Fine. You need to close one door. 1. One of your 17 doors to open to let another one open in your life. Okay? That's what you need to do, and you can do it. I believe in you, Jimmy John. And you need to do before the year's out.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't believe in you, but I still advise you to do this.

[Nicole Parker]

Listen to the thing I said where I believe in you. Don't listen to Bert. Not believing in you. But, but, but please do get medical attention right away.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I will.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is there anything that you'd like to say? I don't think he's going to. Is there anything you'd like to say to Alex should he Be listening right now.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, he might be.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Alex, if you're out there, which I know you are, you're usually outside my house, I want you to know that I am not going to hire you.

[Nicole Parker]

Hey.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Unless.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, oh, no.

[Joan Pedestrian]

There's a spill. Or there's dust on the shelves.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Or you need the money.

[Nicole Parker]

This is too long a list.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Or if I'm alone.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, boy.

[Joan Pedestrian]

And get lonely.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Or if I have a gift for you because it's Christmas.

[Nicole Parker]

No, I already got him something.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That was a very powerless declaration. And we do want more for you, so. So, I mean, maybe listen back to this. Yeah, maybe do that and see. See if you can hear yourself saying these things, because I. I think it would be good for you to kind of mix things up a little bit in your life.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay. He's kind of got a little shimmy going in his shoulder. He's feeling it. Oh, no, he's really not. Well. Oh, it's so swollen. Swollen with staples.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right, Jimmy John. Well, best of luck to you.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Thank you. I appreciate it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're welcome. We hope to see you at the hospital parking lot soon.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I'll be here more with the neighbor listen.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

When the neighbor listen returns.

[Nicole Parker]

Hi, this is Krystal. That's capital C, capital H, R, Y, S, T, A, L, Crystal. And I have a Varsalis fashion Watch. It's for $15. Battery still works. Band is approximately 7 1/2 inches unstretched. As you can see, it is a Christmas, or I should say holiday themed watch. It is a reindeer with an adorable red scarf. And the. The reason I'm getting rid of it is. Well, I'm just. Maybe you can just take a look at it and see. But I think someone might find this fun. Perhaps it's as a prank gift because the hand, the. The second hand and the. And the. The big hand and the little hand. Well, unfortunately, if you look at the. Them and if you look at the picture when. When that little hand or the big hand gets to. Gets to 6 o'clock, that reindeer is an excited little guy. And I get lots of comments on it, and it's just sticking straight out there and it's not really appropriate for children. So if you could just please and come and get this because it also, as you can see, it's got those white strips and glows in the dark, and it doesn't make anything better. So please come and get this absolutely inappropriate, disgusting hand watch.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And welcome back to the neighborhood, listening boy. Can I. Can I say that Jimmy John was. I. I do wish him the best.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I do think. Think he. Think he should go to the hospital.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He was a frustrating individual.

[Nicole Parker]

I know we've had. I think we've got a theme emerging. We. We're having several frustrating individuals come on this season.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He didn't know where the hospital was. He never heard of 911.

[Nicole Parker]

We have a lot of sh. In dignity falls, it turns out, with no connection to the real world.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'd like to see that. It's almost the opposite of your house.

[Nicole Parker]

It is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's one room, but a million doors.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And you famously have one door.

[Nicole Parker]

That's right. Everything just. You kind of just walk through every single room.

[Bert Miapede]

A lot of beaded.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's almost like. It's almost like a strange museum, your house.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, absolutely.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Just passing through these different themes.

[Bert Miapede]

I love that.

[Nicole Parker]

Different. Doug likes to pretend that he's, you know, time traveling or. What is it? Just jumping through dimensions, you know, sort of. Just because you can just sort of teleport.

[Bert Miapede]

Quantum leaping.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, dear.

[Bert Miapede]

You will.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, boy.

[Nicole Parker]

We talked about that.

[Joan Pedestrian]

By the way.

[Bert Miapede]

I've invented something.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, boy.

[Bert Miapede]

Out of the mugs. Oh, we have so many mugs.

[Nicole Parker]

Okay.

[Bert Miapede]

I invented a system.

[Nicole Parker]

He's invented something.

[Bert Miapede]

Okay, you've invented a system of pouring coffee at scale.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What does that mean?

[Bert Miapede]

So I've, I've. I've built up basically a pyramid out of all these.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, that sounds all right. Like a bad thing waiting to happen. Yes.

[Bert Miapede]

If one person needs a cup of coffee, you start pouring at the top. You take that top.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, you're doing like a champagne sort of. Poor thing.

[Bert Miapede]

If you need. If four people need coffee, you start pouring, let it overflow. It starts flowing into the lower, you know, rungs. And then if, you know, if you have a huge coffee party, you just keep pouring it and it's like a fountain.

[Nicole Parker]

A huge coffee party. I mean, I immediately see some red flags in this. And I'll just say, first of all, pouring something that's usually a scalding hot beverage, which can definitely have splash over. And it's certainly not.

[Bert Miapede]

The splash over goes into the next.

[Nicole Parker]

I understand that, but it's probably also going to splash onto you. Or it's going to, you know, if you're having a coffee party, it's going to splash onto several people.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And also then the coffee. The mug is soaked with coffee. The outside of it.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. Which just sounds unpleasant.

[Bert Miapede]

Drizzle. Oh, you can lick the outside.

[Nicole Parker]

I'm not sure that that's.

[Bert Miapede]

Oh, you can not many people get it right the first time.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right.

[Bert Miapede]

But if we just keep working on this idea.

[Nicole Parker]

No, I know. It's going. You know what, babe? I get it. You don't like the mug room. Okay. And like it from the very beginning, you weren't on board. And. And it's clear not all of them are going to be winners. Okay. Not all the rooms are going to be winners.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's true. Do you ever get rid of any of the rooms that don't work out, or do you. Do they stay?

[Nicole Parker]

Well, what's weird is that we had this one room that was actually. Was going to be sort of. It was not a craft room, but it's actually going to be kind of like a Mailboxes Etc. Where it was just going to be like the gigantic junk door for the. It was a junk room.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, wow. Wow. It's kind of exciting in a way.

[Nicole Parker]

I thought it was great. Doug didn't like it because he loves junk drawers. He loves the mystery of pulling one out. So I said, fine, get rid of it. He filled the entire thing with cement.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So it's just a concrete block.

[Nicole Parker]

Yeah. Instead of repurposing it, he just thought get rid of it meant, like, oh, we have to just fill it up. You know, like, we had to fill it up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This one's on the ground floor, I hope.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. Okay. Thank God.

[Bert Miapede]

Yeah. I like the idea of, like, a junkyard, but then.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, I don't at all.

[Bert Miapede]

Escrow made a horrible junkyard dog.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I'll bet he did.

[Nicole Parker]

What makes a good junkyard dog?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's, like, barking at an old bathtub.

[Nicole Parker]

You're just picturing, like, movies when someone's running through a junkyard and they have to climb over, like, a chamber fence, and there's always, like, some rottweiler chasing after.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Always, always, always. Yeah, because people like to get into the. You know. What? Let people into the junkyard.

[Nicole Parker]

Who cares? Yeah. What's going on at night? What are they gonna take?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why are you guarding the junkyard? It's junk.

[Nicole Parker]

It's junk. You really good. They're doing you a favor.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They're exactly. Let them take all that rusty old nonsense.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, we better make sure the dog. The dogs here. Make sure nobody gets in here and steals that tire.

[Nicole Parker]

I really think they only exist for scenes in movies.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I hope so.

[Nicole Parker]

All right, we have one final post, and these are always my favorite because. And, you know, unfortunately, I never. You know, we generally don't go into the comments, but. But they're. They're usually fun when people make a guess, but let's see what we think. So this is from Stephanie. And this is just a picture of what I'm going to describe. Then I'm going to let you look at it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can I ask you a question?

[Nicole Parker]

What.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are those glasses for reading or for distance?

[Nicole Parker]

I can't believe you're calling this out. Because this is a podcast. No one should know.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I know that I do this. I'm sorry.

[Nicole Parker]

Because I'm very sorry.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She's wearing them on the bottom of her nose.

[Nicole Parker]

You know why? Because I wear contacts, right? So if I just grab readers, I can't put them here because now. Oh, that does work.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I. I got so lightheaded from laughing just now that I almost passed out.

[Nicole Parker]

Here's why. Here's why. Because I guess my eyes are getting worse because for the last couple months I did have to put them on my nose. Otherwise if they were fully on my. On my nose, it was too blurry.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So you can't read with the contacts?

[Nicole Parker]

No, and I'm waiting for. I guess they make contacts and I'm waiting. My optometrist just ordered them for me. That they're kind of almost bifocal contacts, Right? That's right. That's right. But I don't have them yet. So in the meantime, I'm using these. But then a lot of times I want to just be able to read something. If I look up, everything was blurry and I didn't like it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

And then I swear to you, for the last couple of months, I put them fully on. It was blurry. And now you've just let me realize that I actually am now completely more blind and older. So thanks. This is real. This is real. Pleasure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I take your thanks sincerely because I do feel like.

[Nicole Parker]

Well, you shouldn't. It should have been clear by my reading.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now you know. You have to get your eyes checked.

[Nicole Parker]

I just did.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

By me.

[Nicole Parker]

No, my optometrist. Who ordered these goddamn lenses? Glasses. All right, let's move on. This is from Stephanie. It's a picture.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I am so sorry.

[Nicole Parker]

Oh, not again. What now?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If you put the glasses fully on and you look straight ahead, it's terrible.

[Nicole Parker]

It's blurry.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's blurry.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes. Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. So really you just need classic readers, not full size glasses.

[Nicole Parker]

No, I don't because I have contacts on. So what would be the point?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why do you have those? Is what I'm saying.

[Nicole Parker]

Because if I look down with my contacts at this moment, I cannot read.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But, but, but, but. Why are they full lens glasses and not just hats?

[Nicole Parker]

They aren't really. These actually are just readers.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't think she.

[Bert Miapede]

I could tell. You just turned over and looked at me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm looking at the ceiling where I think Doug is.

[Bert Miapede]

All right, you want to not snug it out?

[Nicole Parker]

I want to litigate this no further. Okay, Bert, Understood.

[Bert Miapede]

O. All I can suggest.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Can I just read the book?

[Bert Miapede]

Put your hands above your head and yell quicksand.

[Nicole Parker]

Why?

[Bert Miapede]

Because you're in the quicksand, buddy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm in the quicksand?

[Nicole Parker]

Did you just call me buddy? Oh, you called Burton buddy. I see. Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm buddy to your quicksand.

[Bert Miapede]

You're in the quicksand.

[Nicole Parker]

All right. I, I can't believe I'm only just now getting to read this and now it's going to seem so stupid. There's just a picture of dirt and some grass and a big round object. Now, I'm not going to describe the object. I'm going to have. I'm going to have burnt. Look at it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, okay.

[Nicole Parker]

With his perfect glasses and his perfect figured out vision look. Nope, we're not talking about it. Stephanie just asks, what is it? About 3 inches long. Now you tell me what this is. To me, it looks like it could be a snail, it could be a rock, but it is a little bit strange.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a rock.

[Nicole Parker]

I think it's a rock.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Unequivocally, it's a rock, Stephanie. Hope that helps.

[Nicole Parker]

It always makes me laugh when it's something fairly obvious. Yeah, it's, it's that she felt the need to post it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I would have asked someone in person before I put it.

[Nicole Parker]

I agree. I absolutely agree it's a little embarrassing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But that's, That's a rock. It's a rock. You know, it's a very pretty rock.

[Nicole Parker]

It's a pretty rock is what it is. Maybe she was thinking it was something exciting and she was just hoping she would get some fun answers.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like a griffin's egg.

[Nicole Parker]

Like a griffin's egg, which people constantly claim to find here in Dignity Falls.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why? How did that people.

[Nicole Parker]

Someone believed that a griffin was a real thing. That they, that someone said that they found proof of griffin bones. Yeah. Griffin fossils.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Nicole Parker]

Ironically, they were found in quicksand, if you remember. And, and, and, you know, I think it was just probably the bones of a large bird.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I, I think it was the bones of a large bird. And there was a bit of a cat in there as well.

[Nicole Parker]

And a cat ate a bird. They died in the quicksand. That's what they found.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right. It's like bumping. Yeah. But now people are saying they found griffin eggs and it's. It's somebody you know. They'll say it's anything. They'll say the colorful rock or, you know, a clot of dirt. Sure it's fossilized.

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Somebody wants it was a paint can glidden on it. That's clearly not a griffin egg. But what a wonderful neighborhood. It is. It really is.

[Nicole Parker]

We do love it. Never a dull moment.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Listen. Thank you for listening, folks. If you'd like to hear ad free versions of the episodes and or gain access to our bonus content, you can do [e-mail] and sign up for the Maximus tier. You get so much more extra entertainment. Not just our show, but other shows as well. It's important to point out there's so much good stuff on there. A lot of it seems to be comedy podcasts and us.

[Nicole Parker]

It is interesting, isn't it?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But do check that out because there's a whole world of entertainment waiting for you for a very reasonable price, if I may say.

[Nicole Parker]

Indeed.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And of course, follow us on Instagram if you'd like to see the posts that we discuss on the show.

[Nicole Parker]

That's all I've got. I think so.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's all you've got?

[Nicole Parker]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right. Well, thank you for listening. We'll be back next week. Until then, goodbye and bye.

[Nicole Parker]

All of the posts used in this episode were real. Only some geographical specifics have been changed.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The Neighborhood Listen is hosted and produced by me, Paul F. Tompkins and me.

[Bert Miapede]

Nicole Parker and me Brett Morris.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This episode's guest was played by John Millhiser. The Neighborhood Listen is a production of Comedy Bang Bang world.

[Nicole Parker]

Go to cbbworld.com to unlock the entire history of the show. Ad free as well as brand new full length bonus room episodes exclusive to Maxima subscribers. Your support keeps the.