Vehicle: One with Michaela Watkins

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Neighborhood Listen

Episode: Vehicle: One with Michaela Watkins
Date: June 23, 2026
Hosts: Burnt Millipede (Paul F. Tompkins), Joan Pedestrian (Nicole Parker), Doug (Brett Morris)
Guest: "Kaven" (Michaela Watkins, in character)

Overview

This episode of The Neighborhood Listen takes listeners through another wild ride in Dignity Falls, blending improvised comedy with real neighborhood social app posts. The central post under discussion: a neighbor suspiciously reports that someone drove directly into their garage—normally they park outside—prompting escalating paranoia and comic investigation. Michaela Watkins appears in character as "Kaven," the hyper-alert, idiosyncratic neighbor who wrote the post, and the episode follows her convoluted logic and suspicion to hilarious extremes. Meanwhile, the hosts riff on local happenings, their own ongoing storylines, and Doug's perpetual inventiveness (this week: a human-sized pinball machine).

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Neighborhood Chit-Chat & Banter ([01:23]–[09:00])

• Hosts Burnt and Joan introduce themselves and riff on job titles, warm-ups, and wordplay.
  • Notable recurring bit: muddling the Dignity Falls Pharmacy name.
  • [02:00] "Tortured the turtle. Tortured the tardigrade." – Burnt (Paul), continuing local word jumble fun.
• Doug discusses his latest project: building a human-sized pinball machine.
  • [06:54] Joan: "That sounds extremely dangerous."
  • Doug describes the mechanics (large Nerf ball, plungers, bumpers) and dreams of rolling around like a hamster ball ([07:43]).

Memorable Quotes

• [03:35] Joan: "It's the feminine overdrive talking. Is that a T-shirt?"
• [08:33] Joan: “Let’s not say human balls. Just a gigantic plastic inflatable [ball]... they're balls that humans go in.”

2. Musical Interlude: Joan's Musical Project ([14:02]–[21:39])

• Joan debuts the opening song for her original stage adaptation, "Something's Gotta Give: The Musical."
  • They discuss musical theater conventions and Joan’s rivalry with critic Mitch McNutt.
  • [15:56] "Okay, this is a real — wait." – Joan, preparing to sing her draft.
  • Joan bravely sings some of her opening lyrics, meta-commenting throughout and fielding reactions from Burnt and Doug.
• Stage design talk: Joans describes innovative set plans (a three-“quadrant” turntable featuring kitchen, bedroom, dream space).

Memorable Quotes

• [19:29] Joan (singing): "Waking up another day / Stuck in middle age / I'm filled with so much rage / When will I get out of this stage?"

3. The Central Post: Suspicious Garage Activity ([32:49]–[83:23])

• Listener-submitted post (by “Kaven”) under Crime & Safety:
  • "I saw my next door neighbor drive up to their house, open the garage door from inside the vehicle and drive in... Typically they park in the driveway, but last night parked in the garage. I have made a report but want to keep others on the lookout... Vehicle: One type truck."
  • [35:41] Introduction of "Kaven" (Michaela Watkins).
• Interview with Kaven: The hosts attempt to parse Kaven's excessive suspicions and unusual habits.
  • Kaven explains her “molded bangs” (think: helmet-hair), her compulsive posting (up to 18 times daily), and her “job” playing Farm Animals (a livestock trading video game) with her nephews remotely.
  • [43:18] "Depends on what’s going on outside, what I see. I report what I see to my readers." – Kaven.
  • Kaven’s logic for suspicion: Since her neighbor "never" uses the garage, it must be a nefarious new pattern (“sex trafficking” is suggested rather than, say, convenient parking).
  • [45:08] Kaven: "There’s only two things that can open a garage door from inside a car. One is, I guess, your mind…"
  • Her fears spiral to gloves, insecticide spray, neighbors with measuring tapes, and “demons that come after 4pm.”
  • [55:21] Kaven: “I go to bed at 4.”
  • [56:03] Kaven: “If you’re out after 4pm, you’re not looking to have a nice chat with somebody. You’re looking for trouble.”
  • Kaven takes pride in posting flyers warning "LOOK OUT" and claims her suspicious vigilance is what keeps danger at bay.

Notable Kavenisms

• [64:12] Kaven: "Know your place." (after being complimented)
• [66:34] Joan: "You think Doug is the voice in your head. You are the voice in your head."
• [67:01] Kaven: "I am put on this planet to question the motives of every single human."

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4. Escalating Tensions & Host Frustrations ([75:00]–[80:46])

• Kaven cycles through accusing Doug of being a “pervert” (for mislabeling brown rice in the bulk aisle), misunderstanding basic communal norms, and asserting her function as a “lighthouse” for the community through paranoia.
• [78:54] Joan: “You called me dim, which I'm still reeling from.”
• [80:16] Paul/Burnt: “Okay, Caven, you're a very frustrating person. And thank you.”

5. Post-Interview Decompression ([83:23]–[92:03])

• The hosts recover from the exhausting Kaven segment, expressing their disbelief and comic frustration.
  • [83:30] Paul: "Kevin was a delusional person."
  • [83:42] Joan: "She called Doug a pervert. She called me a dim slut."
• Rolling gags: Doug is stuck in a human-sized pinball in the basement hot tub (“the ball is getting very hot because it's metal” [84:28]), more on towel logistics, hotel room habits, and National Geographic.

6. The “Modern White Staircase” Mystery Post ([86:20]–[91:50])

• Hosts review a confusing, blurry For Sale post: “Modern white staircase $500”—with a nonsensical, staircase-less photo.
  • [86:55] Joan: "I don't see any staircase."
  • [87:10] Paul: "It's a blurry photo with zero staircase."
  • They riff on what’s actually depicted (possibly a pickup truck bed acting as a shelf).
  • Joan riffs: “Shelf for yourself.”

7. Listener Shoutouts and Closing Remarks ([91:54]–End)

• Joan notices listeners from Brazil and South Korea.
• More discussion of bonus episodes, friendly jabs, and light closure on season developments.
  • Joan and Burnt squabble about unresolved storylines.
  • [98:54] Paul: "I want to say I'm sorry."
  • [98:56] Joan: "Thank you for that."
• End credits and comic crosstalk.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote / Moment | |-----------|---------------------|---------------------------------------------------------------------| | 03:35 | Joan | "It's the feminine overdrive talking. Is that a t-shirt?" | | 08:33 | Joan | “Let’s not say human balls. Just a gigantic plastic inflatable…” | | 19:29 | Joan (singing) | "Waking up another day / Stuck in middle age / I'm filled with so much rage…" | | 35:47 | Paul/Joan to Kaven | “No, you’re gorgeous… you’re a beautiful lady… You’re stunning.” | | 43:18 | Kaven | "Depends on what’s going on outside, what I see. I report what I see to my readers." | | 56:03 | Kaven | "If you’re out after 4pm, you’re not looking to have a nice chat with somebody. You’re looking for trouble." | | 64:12 | Kaven | “Know your place.” (after being complimented) | | 66:34 | Joan | “You think Doug is the voice in your head. You are the voice in your head.” | | 67:01 | Kaven | "I am put on this planet to question the motives of every single human." | | 78:54 | Joan | “You called me dim, which I'm still reeling from.” | | 83:30 | Paul | "Kevin was a delusional person." | | 83:42 | Joan | "She called Doug a pervert. She called me a dim slut." | | 98:54 | Paul | "I want to say I'm sorry." | | 98:56 | Joan | "Thank you for that." |

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Timestamps by Segment

• [01:23] – [09:00]: Opening banter, Doug’s pinball machine, town quirks.
• [14:02] – [21:39]: Joan’s musical, song preview, local theater riffing.
• [32:49] – [83:23]: The Suspicious Garage Post, Kaven interview, escalating suspicions, philosophical debate.
• [83:23] – [92:03]: Host decompression, towel/hotel gags, more on Doug’s pinball ball predicaments.
• [86:20] – [91:50]: “Modern White Staircase” post discussion.
• [91:54] – End: Listener shoutouts, season wrap-up, crosstalk, closing credits.

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Summary Tone

The episode stands out for its high-energy, quick-witted, and absurdly detailed character improvisation, reflective of all participants’ comedic styles. As always, the tone is playful, surreal, and occasionally biting, with frequent callbacks and meta-commentary. The central interview with Kaven exemplifies the blend of neighborly concern and comic escalation that defines the show—revealing as much about the anxieties and foibles of neighborhood life as about the characters themselves.

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For Listeners Who Missed It

You’ll get a full-on farce of neighborhood suspicion spiraling into comic absurdity, a musical sneak peek full of midlife rage, and some real laughs at the peculiarities of human behavior as obsessively observed through local social networking. Plus: pinball machines, molded bangs, bulk rice shaming, and why you should always double-check who’s sending those “Look out!” flyers.

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Transcript

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That sound could mean a lot of things. And when something's going wrong at home, the hardest part can be figuring out

[Bret Morris]

what the problem actually is. At Thumbtack, you can upload a voice

[Paul F. Tompkins]

message or a photo, and our AI powered search will help diagnose your project. Plus, the pros we know have over 14 million five star reviews, so you can hire with confidence. Thumbtack we know homes Hire the right pro today. Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins.

[Joan Pedestrian]

And I'm Nicole Parker.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Occasionally, we change the names of some

[Paul F. Tompkins]

streets and that's all you need to know to support the show and unlock the ad free archive, as well as exclusive monthly episodes of the bonus room. Go to cbbworld.com and sign up for a Maximus membership.

[Joan Pedestrian]

And now, please enjoy this episode of the Neighborhood Listen.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Knock, knock.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Who's there?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Your neighbor.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Good Indignity Falls. You're never alone. You've got the neighbor half AV and us burnt and Joan. From coyotes to male theft to weird things to sell.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We'll cover it all and meet new neighbors as well.

[Joan Pedestrian]

We'll chat about any posts you're missing, so just tune in to the Neighborhood Listen.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Welcome once again to the Neighborhood Listen. This is the podcast that explores the neighborhood of Dignity Falls through the eyes of its residents, two of whom are your humble hosts. I am half of that equation. My name is Burnt Miyapede. I'm the pharmacist in chief at the Dignity Falls. Dignity fallsmassy Pharmacy. And with me, as always, is.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I really think we should shorten that name. You heard yourself just say it just now, right? It almost sounded like you said the same thing three times. It has that effect.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think that's the funniest.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It sounded like you say dignity. Falsemacy. Dignity. Falsemacy. Dignity. Falsemacy. Ooh, that's a good warm up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But I didn't.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That's right up there with Mitch McConnell's Milkshake Madness.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Mitch McConnell's Milkshake Madness.

[Joan Pedestrian]

McConnell's Milkshake Madness. 1 of my favorites. As everyone knows. It's just short. I mean, we need to make sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Tortured the turtle. Tortured the tardigrade.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Ooh, that's good.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is that a good one?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Tardigrades. Those are crazy. Doug loves tardigrades.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The space animals.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You think they're so adorable.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They're pretty cute.

[Joan Pedestrian]

They are pretty cute for a thing

[Paul F. Tompkins]

that doesn't have a face. Most things that are cute have faces. But that's just a cute monster.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It is a cute monster. A cute microscopic monster. I am Joan Pedestrian and I am the top realtor in Dignity Falls and top local actress.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you know what I thought of another one for instead of saying amateur.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If you could say citizen actor, maybe. Well, you made a big face, so I guess that wasn't good.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I also paused. It was a one, two pause.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, the pause.

[Kaven]

Really?

[Joan Pedestrian]

I paused and I made a face.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The pause. I shivered down my spine.

[Joan Pedestrian]

There's nothing. Citizen immediately sounds. What do I want to say? It sounds medical.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Medical.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It sounds clinical. That's the word I'm looking for.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Clinical.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You know what I mean? It sounds cold, Local. It sounds, you know, Friendly.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Family, neighborly.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You know what? I withdraw.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Thank you. I'm glad you know what you did wrong? Sorry. I don't mean to reprimand you like that burn. Obviously, we know. It's the feminine overdrive talking.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Is that a T shirt?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Feminine overdrive? I don't see why not.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I think that'd be a great. I think the answer is yes. I don't see why not. There's so many words, and now I just feel like I. I feel like, no, it's not a good idea. Is what you want to say to me what? I feel like it wasn't a good

[Paul F. Tompkins]

idea in your mind why I immediately said yes.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay. It was kind of like, you know what? It was the equivalent of you said, I don't know why not? How about just yes? Oh, I see. I'm just waiting for more direct communication. Bert, this is what I'm saying.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Joan Pedestrian]

John, I have to do my. Don't make my brain do extra work.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm not going to do that. I apologize.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Am I yelling?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You are yelling.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I'm sorry. Okay. I'm sorry. But yes. Anyways, we mentioned Doug, so we should say hi to him. He's always.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We don't want to have to be. It's Chekhov's Doug.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I'm trying.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You mention him, you have to address him.

[Bret Morris]

I guess I'm.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, Doug. New sign on from Doug.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That was fun.

[Bret Morris]

Yeah. You like it?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What inspired that?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah. Did you just decide to go from a laugh right into your greeting?

[Bret Morris]

There was zero preparation for that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I believe that.

[Bret Morris]

It just came out.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I absolutely believe that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. That's not surprising.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah.

[Bret Morris]

I could even do a hi.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, okay. Thanks for those. Could you do one more take, please?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's verging into Roger Rabbit territory.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah.

[Bret Morris]

I don't want to go there or Woody Woodpecker.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Woodpecker.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Wood Woodpecker. Who says it like that?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It reminds me. It puts one in mind of Woody Woodcut.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Wooda Woodpecker, you, Honor. Woody Woodpecker's on the stand because he's an innocent maid.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Your name is Wooda Woodpecker. Is that correct, sir? Reminder. You are under O. Boy, he sucked. Woody Woodpecker.

[Joan Pedestrian]

He did nothing for me as a kid.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I remember I was always on the walrus's side.

[Bret Morris]

The only thing that sucked for me about Woody Woodpecker. Woody Woodpecker.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah. You can't say it, babe. You can't say it normally. It's like Benedict Cumberbatch trying to say penguin. Do you remember that?

[Bret Morris]

Or you with rollercoaster.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Me with roller coaster.

[Bret Morris]

Yeah. You say Rola coaster.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, that's true.

[Bret Morris]

Yeah.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Roller coaster.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Roller coaster.

[Bret Morris]

But it's like how sucks about Woody Woodpecker is he was on at 6am was he? For me, he was.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Really?

[Bret Morris]

Yeah. So it's like the only way to catch him.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, Doug, we have our own. We have. There's a random like meridian in Dignity Falls that has its own time zone.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I hate that random meridian.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It's 16 minutes ahead of the rest of the town.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. Doesn't show up on most phones.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It doesn't show up on most phones because I remember specifically. Cause Woody Woodpecker came on at 6:16 in our house. But it came in at 6:00am in your house.

[Bret Morris]

Yeah, but I would get up. I would try to get up early as a kid for the Saturday morning cartoon, and I would always just pick up the end of Woody Woodpecker and it'd be pretty good.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You kind of said it. You said Woody Woodpecker.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, progress.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Good job, babe.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Progress.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Doug is in the. Is in.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Shepherd fairy. Should make a painting of you. Ooh. Having just finished saying Woody Woodpecker. And then it says progress.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Doug is in. He's on a theme right now. So we had. He was just building a human claw machine, right? And he's in the. He's in the life size pinball machine today.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, no. That sounds extremely dangerous.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It says that it's going to be like a big nerf ball. Why don't you explain it, babe?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now it sounds slow.

[Bret Morris]

It's going to be like a big nerf ball.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You don't always have to say what I say, babe. You don't have to. If I'm wrong, I was just picking

[Bret Morris]

up right there

[Joan Pedestrian]

because I don't know what's going on in there, outside the

[Bret Morris]

door is a huge, you know, pull. What do you call them?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Pull tab, Plunger.

[Bret Morris]

Plunger.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We don't call it pull tab.

[Bret Morris]

It's sort of a reverse plunger when you think about it. Because it's pushing something in.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I think plunger does not only refer to the toilet plunger. I think there's many things that could be called plungers.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Like what?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like the thing on a pinball machine.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Now, if that's your only answer, Bernd, then I think we're one and one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Should I look it up?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Please do. But you're right, babe. You make a very good point.

[Bret Morris]

What I want. What I really want to do with it. Spice Girls to be. What I really, really want is to be in the. In the ball.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I see. Oh, you want to do like a hamster ball.

[Bret Morris]

Yes.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That would be horrifying, babe.

[Bret Morris]

Well, you. I mean, it's thrilling, but I mean,

[Paul F. Tompkins]

it would shatter your skeleton, I think he said.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I say horrifying. He says thrilling. Let's call the holy ghost if you're in.

[Bret Morris]

Have you seen those? Those people play like soccer with those.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes, I have seen that.

[Bret Morris]

Human balls.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, but that's not being like.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Let's not say human balls. Just a gigantic plastic inflatable.

[Bret Morris]

Gigantic.

[Joan Pedestrian]

We didn't say that. Yeah, let's just put the word like plastic. You know, they're balls for humans. They're balls that humans go in.

[Bret Morris]

Okay. Yeah, I'm not sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Instead of come out of. Which is the normal way.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes.

[Bret Morris]

So the giant human ball will go through the shaft of the.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Boy, stop.

[Kaven]

Baby, you can.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What is this?

[Joan Pedestrian]

You know what people do, like clips and put them online and that's what they're gonna. That's fabulous episode where we're gonna talk about many other things. That's what they're gonna take from it. Human balls coming down a shaft. All right, we're gonna come back to you. I'm gonna let you think through how you want to describe it. Okay.

[Bret Morris]

Bumpers. We know. I mean, it'll be like an Addams Family machine.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are you hoping.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Sorry. It's Addams Family themed.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, that's an Addams Family pinball.

[Bret Morris]

That's the number one pinball machine of all time.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I didn't know that.

[Bret Morris]

Yeah.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Guys, I don't know anything about pinball machines.

[Bret Morris]

It's the most sought after.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It is Family One.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The last one, the one everyone hates the most, is the Real Time with Bill Maher pinball machine.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Well, there was a 60 minutes one which we had in which you had at the tavern.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. A plunger, a part of a device or mechanism that works with a plunging or thrusting movement.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Wow.

[Bret Morris]

Stand corrected.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yep.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, so a person who gambles or spends money recklessly, by the way, Tardigrade.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes.

[Bret Morris]

Also.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

One second. The example is he is a plunger when it comes to spending money for news.

[Joan Pedestrian]

What? Your honor, Woody Woodpecker is a plunger.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's a bit of a.

[Joan Pedestrian]

And what he's been doing is he been plunging for the news.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He. He loves to be. He's a very well informed boy.

[Bret Morris]

I feel like that goes into a rabbit hole where if you ever use that in a sentence in that way, you have to then define it for everyone because no one knows what you're talking about.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Absolutely.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah. That's not. It's not worth it. No, Just like saying, I don't know why not? You know what I mean?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're really holding onto that.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I am.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I thought it was a fun response.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It was kind of like making a joke. And you just went, that's funny.

[Bret Morris]

Moss Piggly.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That's what it felt like.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Moss Piggly.

[Bret Morris]

Moss Piglet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What's that tardigrade nickname?

[Bret Morris]

It's a tardigrade nickname.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Moss Piglet. Yeah.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, okay.

[Bret Morris]

Isn't that sweet?

[Joan Pedestrian]

I guess it's sweet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I guess it's sweet.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It sounds like a Star Wars. It sounds like a Star wars character.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It does.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, boy. How are you doing? How are you doing? We've done a lot of. We've done a lot of Star wars voices this year.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We truly have solo igajato solo.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Fuck you most biglet. Go yourself.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You most.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Sometimes I like to do heated rivalry because all they do is tell each other to off.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now, Jon, I was very excited because, you know, I finally watched all of heated rivalry.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, you did.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I was. I was. Oh, well, now you remember this with you.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes, yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I said, you know, episode five. I said, the second to last episode.

[Joan Pedestrian]

If anyone doesn't want to have it spoiled, turn it off now.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Really, really amazing episode. And then. And you said second. Second to last. Cause you described.

[Joan Pedestrian]

He said the second. We can talk about it because I just gave a spoiler alert. Yes, the second to the last. He says. He just texts me. Oh, when he says I'm coming to the. When they run down and kiss each other on the ice skating.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, the other characters, we see their story because they win a big game. And then he invites his boyfriend to come down onto the ice with him, and it's a huge thing. And then separately, the heated rivals are watching this on television. And then they have this wonderful moment at the end where it's like we're gonna get together. And then that's when I found out that you didn't realize there was another episode.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Nope. I still haven't seen it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You still haven't seen it?

[Joan Pedestrian]

I forgot about it until this moment. It's absolutely true.

[Bret Morris]

Are you saving it? But you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So you got to.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I thought it was a great ending.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You got to the same last time.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I thought it was a great ending.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That is that. Well done. You stuck the landing.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Weird that Episode nine. It ended on episode nine. That's weird. Episode seven. It didn't even occur to me because it was a pretty great. I thought it was a great ending.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Great ending.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah. We can't talk about it then, because I gotta go watch it and then we'll have to talk about it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You do have to watch.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I can't believe that's never happened in my life. You know, normally Netflix can't wait to. Or whoever it is can't wait to, like, shove the next episode down your throat.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's true.

[Joan Pedestrian]

And it didn't. That didn't happen. Escrow, calm down.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why is Escrow barking now?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Escrow's barking. Escrow's barking because he thinks he's a cat. He's actually meowing. I took him to a dog psychologist.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How can you tell?

[Joan Pedestrian]

I took him to a dog psychologist and he talked to him for a little bit. He's just put his hand on his paw, put his head against his head, and he was like, oh, I get it. He thinks he's a cat.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And so this was a dog psychologist.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It was, yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He sounds like a dog psychic to me.

[Joan Pedestrian]

No, that's different. I've also taken him to a psychic. He thinks he's. He thinks he's Mitzi Gaynor reincarnated. Yes. So he's got a lot going on in his brain.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Imagine being reincarnated. First of all, you're. You're. You're an entertainer.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're a triple threat.

[Joan Pedestrian]

An underappreciated.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're a triple threat.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You can do it. Underappreciated one.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then you're reincarnated as a dog. And then you live way past the time when you should die again.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And now you're in this decrepit body.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I. I honestly think that he seems happier now. So those aren't like, unhappy barks. So he's. He's letting his. He's.

[Bret Morris]

He's.

[Joan Pedestrian]

He's being. He's letting his cat voice fly.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Speaking of letting voices fly, what if

[Paul F. Tompkins]

you just said, speaking of letting. Let me talk now. I. I cannot wait to use that in a conversation of letting. Let me talk.

[Joan Pedestrian]

We practice leading in this marriage. I have. I've made a lot of progress on my musical. On Something's Gotta Give the Musical, which is the new thing I'm working on that's gonna be at the playhouse. They're letting me do that. Nancy Meyers, the world premiere of Something's Gotta Give the Musical. Nancy Myers. Yes.

[Bret Morris]

Mitch McNutt might actually like it. Cause there's turtlenecks involved.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That's true.

[Bret Morris]

Boy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's true.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I know, but we don't want to talk. It's been. We. I don't. I think we've managed to not speak his name this entire season. I could be wrong. Please don't spit.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I spit into a cup. I just hate him.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Mitch McNutt, of course, is the. Is my. Is my arch nemesis. He's the critic who never can say a nice thing about me in the papers and goes out of his way

[Paul F. Tompkins]

to say mean things.

[Joan Pedestrian]

He goes out of his way to say mean things. That's right. Sent me dead flowers at the premiere of my last show.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's right.

[Joan Pedestrian]

But I have. I have the beginning song. Well, a little bit of it. Can I try it out for you?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes. And again, this is not the song Something's Got to Give, which is an established song.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It is called Something's Gotta Give. But it's not that song.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's not that song.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That's right. Like, you know, when they do the Back to the Future, the musical, like. And if they don't use the song

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Back to the Future,

[Joan Pedestrian]

There are words. Did you not realize it? Back to the Future. We will. It has lyrics. It has words to it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What is that music? Is that the song that's the theme?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who remembers that? Who composed that?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Maybe Alan Silvestry. I don't know. He wrote it. The Game of Thrones Silvestri. It is Sylvester Silvestri. Okay. All right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But I don't know.

[Joan Pedestrian]

No, that's.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I know one. I know of one. Silvestri.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who's a comedian named Max Silvestri.

[Joan Pedestrian]

All right, well, I'm letting you have.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's the only Silvestri I've ever heard out loud.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Anyways, it doesn't matter. Do you want to hear it or not?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I do want to hear it.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay. This is a real.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wait.

[Bret Morris]

Ask me again.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you want to hear it 1000% I do.

[Joan Pedestrian]

What'd you say, babe?

[Bret Morris]

I don't see why not.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, yeah, that's. Are you trying to be. You trying to get on my bad side?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Babe, what are you doing? You're stirring the pot.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That's not. You're not practicing lighting, babe. You're not practicing to pop.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, you're starting to pop. Doug.

[Bret Morris]

I've always been afraid of this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're really catching on.

[Joan Pedestrian]

He really has. Actually, that's not what he said, babe.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think it's good you hide the pops.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Doug learned about spontaneous combustion, and he's constantly worried about it.

[Kaven]

Oh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

When I was a kid. Can you imagine reading that about that in the Book of Lists?

[Joan Pedestrian]

In the Book of Lists?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, are you not familiar? No.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

When I was a kid, it was on the. It was on the toilet tank of every family in the neighborhood. It was a very. It was. It was literally a book of various lists of things.

[Joan Pedestrian]

No, I didn't know that. I just felt like jokes or like history facts were always in there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, sure.

[Joan Pedestrian]

In my house.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure, sure, sure.

[Joan Pedestrian]

But I replaced it with Donnie McKechnie's biography.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who is that?

[Joan Pedestrian]

I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that, Bernie.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, now pretend somebody else said it and then answer them.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I'm gonna pretend you didn't say it, and I'm gonna answer it to everybody else who was wondering. She is the original Cassie from A Chorus Line. Okay. God, I'm a dancer. Come on. Anything ringing any bells? Most amazing dance sequence in the middle of a song. Belting her ass off is a marathon. It's a tour de force. Do yourself a favor, everybody, and go watch the video of any Cassie doing that dance. And what the music in the mirror

[Paul F. Tompkins]

is what it's called the music in the mirror.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That's all I ever needed was a music and a mirror. You can't say R. You can't. You can't. You have to open it up at the end. That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Mirror. Your Honor. Your honor, all my client ever needed was the music and the mirror.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Just let him dance for you, all right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

God, I hope I can.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Sustained. But watch yourself.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How many do they need?

[Bret Morris]

Wood.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

A woodpecker. Wood. Wood.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Just bringing it back home. Thanks, Doug. In case you forgot, that's how we started on this.

[Kaven]

All right.

[Bret Morris]

I'd like to hear the song.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Thanks, babe.

[Bret Morris]

Good.

[Joan Pedestrian]

All right, so here it goes. I'm again. I want you to realize I'm being brave because it's not fully done.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Joan, I'm never not aware of you being brave. You're one of the bravest people I know really? Well. To get up on stage, it's terrifying.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It is terrifying sometimes, even for me after all this time. Okay, here we go. I don't know if it's going to be piano.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, I won't.

[Bret Morris]

Do you need a.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Like a. Nope. That doesn't help.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What an interesting beginning to a song.

[Bret Morris]

It's almost like a drum fill.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, is there any video of someone performing Cassie where they. They trip and fall and then somebody puts in the music in the air tonight?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Phil Collins. I knew you were gonna ask about that. All right. No. Okay. Waking up another day Stuck in middle

[Kaven]

age

[Joan Pedestrian]

I'm filled with so much rage when will I get out of this stage?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What did you just say? I said, oh, boy. This is great.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Burnt.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm loving this.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Listen, I know it's repetitive. I know it turns out repetitive.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Double meaning.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Thank you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wait, why did you say double meaning?

[Bret Morris]

Guys, when will I get off the stage?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, but you said out of the stage.

[Bret Morris]

Out of the stage?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes. As in like the stage.

[Bret Morris]

Maybe the stage.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't want to go down, guys.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It's already ruined. Okay, Let me just get back into character.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay? Sorry. Hey, Bobby, what are you doing?

[Joan Pedestrian]

It's all been a pack of lies. Something's gotta change I just want to live Something's gotta go Something's gotta give Right. That's the. That's what gets us going. That's the vibe.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I didn't warm up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Does it start. Does. Does it start cold with that song?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah. She does wake up in the morning.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She wakes up and then she keeps. Maybe I'll put that in.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Listen, if that's gonna go viral, maybe I'll put it in.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, this could be your.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That's right.

[Bret Morris]

That was beautiful.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, thanks. I appreciate that.

[Bret Morris]

Oh, you too, Burke. Thank you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Your voice is really coming along for doing the. The Wicked War cry.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, I see.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm assuming. Correct me if I'm wrong.

[Bret Morris]

Absolutely. It's really coming along.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Absolutely.

[Bret Morris]

Absolutely.

[Joan Pedestrian]

So, yeah, I. You know, I. That's how it's going to begin. I just want it to be.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Does it all take place in one luxurious kitchen or are there many luxurious kitchens?

[Joan Pedestrian]

It's going to be a turntable. And so it's going to just be. It's going to be her bedroom. It's going to be in three quadrants. I know that doesn't make sense. Three quadrants. I know that doesn't make sense, but there's no other way to say it. Thwadrant.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So there's four halves?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Not really. There's only three sections, but they are. We refer to them as quadrants. Again, I don't wanna explain it. It's like a set. It's like set building stuff. And so it's gonna be one. It's gonna have the bedroom, one's gonna have the kitchen, and then the other one is gonna be a dream space.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Dream space. What happens in the dream space?

[Joan Pedestrian]

That's when we go into people's minds and their thoughts and their subconscious. That's where we're gonna do, like, the ballet.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That's where I'm gonna do the pot de. The pas de deux. Do you know what pas de deux.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Potted what?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Pas de deux is a French term for a little duet that is danced by two people.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Fun.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I'm not sure you think it is fun.

[Bret Morris]

What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Joan, why are you doubting me so much?

[Joan Pedestrian]

But did you see how your voice went down?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like I was declaring, that is fun.

[Joan Pedestrian]

What if I said to you, happy birthday? How does that make you feel? Do you feel like I'm celebrating?

[Bret Morris]

You also.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You also made a face,

[Joan Pedestrian]

but you could, even if it was, if there wasn't a face. Okay, I won't do a face. I won't do a face. I feel all put on the spot now. Because you tried to do, like, a. Gotcha. Because I made a face. Babe, what is that?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're in the. Okay, you're inside now.

[Bret Morris]

Sorry, I'm just messing with some.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You playing with the flap? The flippers? Is that what you call them? The flippers?

[Bret Morris]

Flippers, yeah. Messing with the mechanics.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What are the parts of play ball Machine? Flippers. Bumpers.

[Bret Morris]

Flippers. Bumpers. Plunger. You got the bump lights.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, of course.

[Bret Morris]

You got the paddles.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wouldn't be the same without it.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Wouldn't. Wouldn't be the game.

[Bret Morris]

Tunnels.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Tunnels?

[Bret Morris]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, yeah. Sometimes there are little tunnels.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Gutters. Did he call them gutters? Along the side.

[Bret Morris]

You could.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I wouldn't.

[Joan Pedestrian]

We know you wouldn't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You call it anything. I wouldn't call it.

[Bret Morris]

You got characters.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You got characters.

[Bret Morris]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are you gonna have, like, sound clips?

[Bret Morris]

Ooh, that's a good idea.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, that's fun. That's what I loved about the 60 minutes one. Because when you got it in there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did I say thank you correctly?

[Joan Pedestrian]

You did, because you were talking to a man.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Joe, you're really coming at me.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I'm Sorry, I'm just really. I'm having one of those overdrive days. I'm sorry. What I was gonna say is that I really did love the sound bites on 60 minutes. Cause if you put it in the Andy Roona hole, it was like, why are these holes so big?

[Bret Morris]

I think it'd be cool since it's human sized. If you go into one of those, you know, when the ball gets caught, sinks in. Suddenly you're in a room and there's a person in there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, so there's levels underneath.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Not a real person, though. Like an animatronic person. How are you going to staff? How is this going to be going on inside my house? I thought you were going to arrive to be doing their job. Nine to five in the pinball machine.

[Kaven]

Sure.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. This one is.

[Bret Morris]

Sure.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah. I'm sorry, Bert. Hang on a second.

[Bret Morris]

It could be Chris Hansen. Like, why don't you have a seat?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, no, that's terrible. You think you're having fun and then all of a sudden, because you're not

[Joan Pedestrian]

even trying to catch a predator pinball machine.

[Bret Morris]

Yeah, that would be no something, wouldn't it?

[Joan Pedestrian]

I mean, that's terrible. I don't even know what that means.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But you're not even in control. You're in the ball.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That's what I want to know. How are you playing with the flippers when you're in the ball? You're just at the mercy of someone else.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is.

[Bret Morris]

Someone else has to flip you.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Flip you.

[Bret Morris]

Yeah, it's kind of a three person, three, four person thing.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I think this is the last, like, human family game you should do. Okay, let's go back to things like linen closet.

[Bret Morris]

It's a family activity.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah, but you can't let the boys in there because they will absolutely wreak havoc on it and they'll. I'm afraid someone's gonna get hurt.

[Bret Morris]

Well, I'm worried that they're gonna mark their territory over anything.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, I'm sure they will. They'll probably mark their territory inside the human ball. I'm talking now.

[Bret Morris]

You said human ball. So that was me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Said human ball.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You know what? I got to the part of human, and then I didn't have anything else for ball. And that's true. That's what happened. So you know what? Joke's on me. I admit it. I admit it. I'm talking, of course, about my twin boys, Matt and Academia Joe. And Academia Joe. And boy, he never lived up to that name. I'll tell you what, I had high

[Paul F. Tompkins]

hopes you thought that it would be nominative determinism.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I did think so, yes. Do you have anything to share? Burnt. Because I feel like me and Doug had been talking this whole time. And I am sorry for that. There's been a lot of nonsense.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, that's quite all right. I don't have a lot to share.

[Joan Pedestrian]

There's not much going on now that Gabby and you are back together. Are you fin. Meaning just in the same place. You know, the incident's over. Have you set a date for your wedding?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We have not yet. Because now that my long lost twin brother has turned up.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh yeah, you mean turnt up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I forgot that you haven't really. You both did. You really haven't asked me anything about it.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Well, you know what? Because the last time I tried to ask you about it, you once again did that thing react like what? It's not a big deal. Even though it's a stunning revelation. So I'd love for you to share anything about that.

[Bret Morris]

Male friends don't know anything about each other.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's very true.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I'm so tired of that. Why can't you guys just talk to each other?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Because of the loneliness epidemic.

[Joan Pedestrian]

No, I don't want to hear uninteresting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's uninteresting. I don't care about my friends lives. Why should I? And why should they care about mine?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, that is bleak.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Just the way men are, Joan.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You know, until maybe someone encourages them to be different, you know?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I remember my dad trying to ask me a question once and it was weird.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Do you remember what the question was?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Said how was school today?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh my gosh. And he had trouble asking you that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, it was. It was hard for him. It was hard for me to hear.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I don't. I'll never understand this because the previous.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The previous question was where do you go to school?

[Joan Pedestrian]

You mean like when you're a kid? He asked you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

My dad asked me, where do you go to school?

[Joan Pedestrian]

God, I'm so tired of this. I'm so tired of dads not knowing. Now that's not true. It's not all dads, but I'm tired of them. You'll see these things where it's like they don't know the name of their kids school or the doctors or anything like that. And Doug doesn't know that. He knows the doctor. He only knows the doctor of the boys. Dermatologist. That's it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And why were they Dr. Stalactite. Yeah.

[Bret Morris]

Yeah, it's easy to remember.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's the one that holds tight to the highest floor of the medical building.

[Bret Morris]

Right. Not the lowest.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, his office. All the way up to the office. Pediatric dermatologist.

[Joan Pedestrian]

And he built. He built. You know, he built it to look like a cave and to make it fun. You know, he didn't want anyone to get all scared going to the dermatologist.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's funny because the other medical professionals in that building were not on board with the cave aesthetic.

[Joan Pedestrian]

They were not. And they wanted him to go in the. In the basement.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, but that would. That would be Dr. Select Mike.

[Bret Morris]

That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No. What is it again? So I might.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Might be.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I hate that.

[Bret Morris]

Lefty loosey. Righty.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They hold the slag tight.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Lefty Lucy had nothing to do with this. But I know you think she encouraged Woody Woodpecker to do that. She was an enabler.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Would you say she stalag tight do that? Or Stalag might do that.

[Bret Morris]

I like the cave. I think, kids.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's very peaceful in there. I like the dripping.

[Bret Morris]

You walk in and you have to wonder where the doctor is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You simply have to.

[Bret Morris]

And you just go hear him echoing in the back.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah, that's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There's a reflecting pool in there where they have somebody underneath who pretends to be like a sort of seer.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That is a crazy job. Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's like a plexiglass bottom. And then there's water in there. Somebody has to pop. They have to. They have to time it just right.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Apparently it's a great. Apparently get great insurance. Apparently, it's a great job. People fight for that job like it's a big deal. Yeah.

[Bret Morris]

Yeah.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Babe. How long have we been talking? Because it feels like longer than our 23 minutes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It does Feels like forever.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I'm sorry. Forever.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm not blaming you. You know what?

[Bret Morris]

You're.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm part of this too.

[Bret Morris]

Joe 34.

[Joan Pedestrian]

No way. That's bad. My song.

[Bret Morris]

It was too long, give or take.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think maybe I thought this.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Do you know or do you not?

[Bret Morris]

Well, because we had to pause for a couple hours.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh. Oh, that's right.

[Bret Morris]

Might be.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That's right.

[Bret Morris]

You know, a few minutes, give or take.

[Joan Pedestrian]

We had three hours in between for we. We got in 39 seconds and then we paused for two hours.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We said, let's have some phone time. Looked at our phone for three hours.

[Joan Pedestrian]

All right, well, we should go to a break and bring our guest in.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We'll be back with the neighbor listen. When the neighbor listen comes back after the break. Hi, I'm Beck Bennett. I thought I was Beck Bennett. No, no, no, no, it's Kyle Mooney. Sorry about that.

[Bret Morris]

Exactly.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, all good.

[Bret Morris]

All good.

[Kaven]

Thanks, buddy.

[Bret Morris]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And we host the show what's here on Headgum. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and make you look like a kick ass person online. Like you're skateboarding through the Internet or you're like you're surfing through the web. Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand and get paid all in one place. I like that it's all in one place. I don't, I like that I don't have to go around, you know, like different stores or something. It's just all, it's like, oh, do I need to go to like, do I need another type of website to like find the right pictures or to like another type of website to upload? You know, it's all in one place. The video or audio or like. No, I want it makes it easy. Make it easy on me, please. Yes. And you can do all those things. Photos, videos, changing fonts, you know, I mean, the designs are amazing. They're catering to all your different needs. Their SEO tools, which. I know what those are. And their custom domains. Oh, let's come up with a domain right now.

[Kaven]

Let's see.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I wonder if it exists. Www.friendsmeetingfriends friendsmeetingfriends.com that's an original thing that we came up with. Friends meeting friends. Anyway, so check out squarespace.comedgum for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code HEADGUM. Save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell, sounds easy. Anybody could do it.

[Joan Pedestrian]

When it's time to scale your business, it's time for Shopify. Get everything you need to grow the way you want. Like all the way. Stack more sales with the best converting checkout on the planet. Track your cha chings from every channel right in one spot. And turn real time reporting into big time opportunities. Take your business to a whole new level. Switch to Shopify. Start your free trial today.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You can never have too many tools. Shop Dewalt Deals and Lowe's. Get a free select Dewalt 20 volt max power tool when you buy a select 20 volt max 5amp hour battery kit. Plus get a free additional Dewalt 20 volt max 8amp hour battery when you buy a Dewalt 10 inch 20 volt max dual bevel compounded miter saw. Our best lineup is here at Lowe's, valid through 624 while supplies last. Selection varies by location. This is Mill Dog. $13. Pretty good price for a do. The size can be seen in pictures. Pick up, only used once. Wash once. Now what that means is this dog was used once and you will have to wash it once. Now, the size can be seen in pictures. Look at that picture. As you can see, this dog is wearing a little sort of tracksuit for dogs. And you may say, mill, you're advertising

[Bret Morris]

this as a dog.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There's no dog in that photo. Now did I mention it's an invisible dog? Now, $13 seems like nothing to have an invisible dog that I put clothes on so you can find him. You're thinking. You're thinking to yourself, I'm gonna ask Mill this and then you're gonna ask me, Mil, did you mean to say dog outfit instead of just dog? The answer is no. I am selling you an invisible dog for $13. Now this dog is not only invisible, he weighs nothing. He doesn't make a sound. And you can roll him up. You can even put this dog on another visible dog if you wanted to. And he wouldn't complain because he loves dogs too. Just like me and you, if you're listening. So don't blow this. This is an invisible dog. You're going to be able to say as you walk it around town or drape it over your arm, this, this is my dog. He's invisible. And you don't need to tell people where you bought it from. Let's keep this. Let's keep this honorable. You don't need to say that a guy named Mill sold you what looks to the naked eye as a outfit for a dog and called it a dog. You just gotta say, you don't understand. This dog is invisible. He's lightweight, he's malleable, and he's my best friend. $13. Invisible dog. And welcome back to the neighborhood. Listen well, Joan. We have a guest. Yes, as we do every week. We call them the neighborhap, the social networking application for neighborhoods. We look for interesting neighbors to talk to. Maybe somebody has a question they need a message ampl. Maybe someone has to answer for something. And if you see a post that you think we should cover, why don't you screenshot it and send it to [e-mail] just like listener Ryan Kirkpatrick did. Thank you. Ryan for submitting this. This was posted in the crime and safety section by Kevin. Suspicious behavior is Kevin's headline. I saw my next door neighbor drive up to their house, open the garage door from inside the vehicle and drive in and the door closed behind them. It was last night around 5:30pm did anyone else see this? Typically they park in the driveway, but last night parked in the garage. I have made a report but want to keep others on the lookout for this type of behavior. It just makes me nervous for this to be happening in my neighborhood. Vehicle one type truck. Here to talk to us more about this is Kevin. Kevin, welcome to the neighborhood.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Listen, thanks for being here.

[Kaven]

I just. You're saying my name wrong, but.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, I'm sorry. What is it? What is it?

[Kaven]

It. It's Kaven.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, Cavan. I'm sorry. I've never heard that pronunciation.

[Kaven]

Do I look like it? Kevin?

[Joan Pedestrian]

No, you're beautiful.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, you don't. You're gorgeous.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You're a beautiful lady.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, you're stunning.

[Kaven]

Thank you.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I just had Slay Queen.

[Kaven]

Thank you. I just had my bangs. My bangs. Molded.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Molded.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Molded. What's that?

[Kaven]

It's when you take a bang. It's when you. What is happening over there?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Nothing. Sorry. Escrow knocked over a candlestick and it's way too big.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Joan's dog is very elderly.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah, sorry about that.

[Kaven]

Why do you have candlesticks? What do you want?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Well, there's nothing wrong with Caven. All right, hang on a second. First of all, let's get back to what molded bangs are.

[Kaven]

Don't take my eye off your candlesticks. I know what's happening here. You guys are some kind. You're having some kind of sex party.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, no, no, no, no.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Caven, Cavan, you are welcome to look at this dog. Wander around and knock over household items.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You can.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But in the meantime, we would. And you can continue to do that while we ask you what are multiple molded bangs?

[Kaven]

Okay. Molded bangs is when you get you with the. This is true. A lot of people don't, like, sing

[Joan Pedestrian]

your song, Joe, right?

[Kaven]

Oh, I'm so mad at you for getting that part. I'm so mad at you for getting that part.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You wrote this show.

[Kaven]

I don't care. You should have opened it up to.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I mean, I made it very clear there's still going to be other auditions.

[Kaven]

I don't want the other parts. I want the.

[Joan Pedestrian]

There's some other great parts.

[Kaven]

I want to be there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are you also local actor Kaven?

[Kaven]

I know. I do everything I can I can. I just want to be seen. Anyway, my bangs, they're hard to maintain. So if you find a look you like, in this case, split down the middle and press to.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes. It's very brown. It's very.

[Kaven]

I get them molded.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It looks secure.

[Kaven]

It's almost like a shellac.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That's a good word for it.

[Kaven]

Secure.

[Joan Pedestrian]

They definitely aren't moving.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What is it that makes your bang so unruly?

[Kaven]

Well, all bangs are unruly. But I'm a natural curl curly haired lady, and it's something I've fought all my life. But I tell you, when I got the idea to mold them is I was playing with my nephew's LEGO set and you can change the hair and I thought I should do that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Absolutely.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Lego hair. It does look like Lego hair helmet

[Kaven]

of hair that I can replace.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Is it painful?

[Kaven]

Yes.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay. Because it looks like it's really pressing into your temples.

[Kaven]

It is. I have incredible migraine.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What do you say? You can replace it. What does that mean? Get a different hairstyle?

[Kaven]

Well, I mean, I'm just saying when I'm ready to move on to something different.

[Joan Pedestrian]

How do you get it off if you're wanting to change it?

[Kaven]

This is a shave situation.

[Joan Pedestrian]

A shave?

[Kaven]

Yeah.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Really?

[Kaven]

When you get them molded, they don't move.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah.

[Kaven]

If it grows, your hair gets taller, but not longer.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, wow.

[Kaven]

It goes up.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It goes up. I see.

[Kaven]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, now, you don't want to go with curly bangs like somebody who sings a song in an old saloon.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Listen, don't throw things at us. Okay. Don't throw things at us.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Almost hit me.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I know. These are coasters and they're meant for glasses, not for throwing. Okay.

[Kaven]

Curly bangs. I should just.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Well, then let's. You know what? No, no, please stay here. Because I want to know, Kevin, why I'm going to say. Oh, lookit. I'll just speak for myself. When I get to my house, I pull in my driveway and sometimes. Okay, I know that bothers you, but.

[Kaven]

No, no, keep going. I'm listening.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Pull in my driveway and sometimes I lock the car and go into the front door. Sometimes, if I want to, I pull into the garage and I close the door and I go into my house. Those are two options that many people do every day.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Absolutely.

[Joan Pedestrian]

What bothers you about this?

[Kaven]

Do you want.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I'm not asking for a parade. What I'm trying to find out, Kavan, is why you found it suspicious that a person who lived in their own home would drive into their garage.

[Kaven]

Well, you're forgetting something important. You said sometime. Okay, that's the operative word. Sometimes you do this, sometimes you do that. I don't care what you do.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, okay. I don't care.

[Kaven]

Cause you said sometimes you're all over the map.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sounds like a male friendship.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay, well, I didn't mean for this to be an indictment on my habits and sort of, you know, an exploration into my personal day.

[Kaven]

I'm just saying, when I see my neighbor who has never. I mean, first of all, how did they even get the garage door open from inside?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, now, Caven, you use a remote control. Surely you have a remote control for your garage door.

[Kaven]

No.

[Joan Pedestrian]

In the car.

[Kaven]

I've never once seen a remote control for something that's inside your car. Unless, I mean, who has a remote control inside a car?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think a lot of people do.

[Joan Pedestrian]

A lot of people do. Yeah. It's very common news.

[Kaven]

I. This is the thing. I would believe you if I didn't. If. If I felt like it, but I don't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay.

[Kaven]

And here's why.

[Joan Pedestrian]

And here's why.

[Kaven]

This person, this neighbor who go unmentioned. Because I don't want to get sued for defamation. But this person has never imagined. Ever. Ever.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's where they. They, they. You go into court and they say, they have deformed me.

[Kaven]

Yes. Is it?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They have deformed me in the public eye.

[Kaven]

I don't.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Of course. Deformation.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is deformation.

[Kaven]

Yes. If I'm saying it incorrectly, well, then I don't know. No, no.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Then I don't want to be hung up on that.

[Kaven]

Then I don't want to be. Right.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay.

[Kaven]

Anyway, I've never seen a remote control inside a car. I've seen remote control cars.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Sure. That's very different. Usually they clip right onto the little sort of like shade that you flip down for the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh. I mean, would you believe us if we said we have seen this?

[Kaven]

Okay, listen, I'm not going to argue with you because you're a vague. Well, you are, but I'll argue with you.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, I'm not sure that's. I'm not sure that's. I think that's the short answer, end of the stick, frankly,

[Paul F. Tompkins]

even if we say the same thing.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Let me correct. Okay, let me ask you another thing. You said he's never done it. Are you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you. Tell me if I may refer back to the text.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, she doesn't say never.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Typically, they park in the driveway.

[Kaven]

Ah, yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No. Okay. Typically doesn't necessarily mean they always do it.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That's right.

[Kaven]

I Thought it allows for.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think. I think typically allows for some deviation on occasion.

[Kaven]

Set the tone for my readers.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I have to let them know.

[Kaven]

Typically, on any given day, I look out and I see they went to a lot of work to make that driveway too. They did some. Laid down a lot of rocks and a lot of pavers. Pavers.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That's my husband, Doug. I know you can't see him, but he's in a different room.

[Kaven]

Who said I was gonna say something?

[Joan Pedestrian]

I know.

[Kaven]

I thought I had a voice in my head.

[Bret Morris]

I'm the voice in your head. Head.

[Joan Pedestrian]

No, babe, don't do that. I'm not sure this is good for Kaven, this particular guest.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Don't tell people I'm the voice in your head.

[Kaven]

I had a guiding angel that was gonna happen.

[Joan Pedestrian]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Bret Morris]

I was just rolling with it.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay, babe, what is that? Please don't worry about it.

[Kaven]

Are you in a throuple?

[Joan Pedestrian]

No, no. Kevin, what's wrong with Candlestick?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's tough to refute.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I want to go back to something you said. You said my readers do. Are you talking about people who read on the neighbor hap your pet? Yes. Like, as if they're your fans. Do you have people who comment and

[Kaven]

expect you to post?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How often do you post?

[Kaven]

Oh, probably give or take four to 18 times a day.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's a lot.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah, that's a lot.

[Kaven]

Depends on what's going on outside, what I see. I report what I see to my readers. I set the stage, I give them. You should understand this. You're an actor.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay. All right.

[Kaven]

I have to tell them the what is going on on the where and the wow. Why? It's atypical.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay, can I ask you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

These are the reporters questions.

[Kaven]

Yeah.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Can I ask you what you do for a living other than posting on neighborhop?

[Kaven]

I. I buy and sell stock.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, that's pretty cool.

[Kaven]

Stock as in cows, cattle.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, oh, livestock.

[Kaven]

Yeah.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You're in the. You're. You. You, like, have a farm or you just simply managing the shipment of cattle? Or are you an agricultural type?

[Kaven]

No, it's a video game.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, video game.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I've never heard of this.

[Kaven]

It's called farm animals.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Really?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you know this bird Farm Animals. I'm not familiar. Huh. And what do you do in farm Animals? The game. You buy and sell farm animals?

[Kaven]

Yeah, I play with my nephews.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, that's very sweet.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, I said, but would you for a living? Do you get paid for that? Are you, like, their nanny?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are you on Twitch doing This.

[Kaven]

I get paid to play with them. Yes, you do.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That's interesting. So obviously it's e. Your brother's children or your sister's children.

[Kaven]

Yeah, my brother's children.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay. He pays you to watch them.

[Kaven]

Not watch them. Play with them.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Play with them.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Specifically Play with them.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Specifically play with them.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is it always farm animals? The game?

[Bret Morris]

Yes.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Wow. Never. Never deviates.

[Kaven]

No, typically, it's farm animals. Do you see what I'm saying?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Typically. There's that word again.

[Kaven]

Okay, so anyway, there's only two things that can open a garage door from inside a car. One is, I guess, your mind. All right, well, does that seem likely?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Babe, do not comment on that. Don't. Just let her finish. Just let her finish.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I know that's catting up to you, Doug, but please let it go.

[Bret Morris]

It is.

[Joan Pedestrian]

He's losing his mind right now. I'm not.

[Kaven]

Because you are harboring some people in your truck and you are running a sex slave.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh. And that's how you could open the garage door.

[Kaven]

If you're a sex trafficker and you have somebody working on the inside who's in tandem with you, and you pull in and you're under the. In the middle of the night at 5:30pm you pull into your garage the

[Joan Pedestrian]

middle of the night at 5:30pm okay.

[Kaven]

Yeah.

[Bret Morris]

You're doing great.

[Kaven]

Yes.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Babe, are you still trying to be the voice in her head? You need to stop that. Damn it. Oh, damn it. No, no, no. Cayman.

[Kaven]

Oh, I thought I was doing great.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Doug, you might have to come down here and present yourself so that, you know, she can see that you're a real person. I sent myself know.

[Kaven]

Oh, wow.

[Bret Morris]

You're like some kind of routine, really

[Kaven]

having me on here.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[Kaven]

K. You're messing with.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I'm not trying to gaslit. I. I think it's a wild jump to make to some terrible, nefarious traffic situation. Based on what? Why is it the only thing it can be? I can think of other things.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did this just happen? The one time.

[Kaven]

Exactly. I have seen their garage door open, and it's full of boxes and a drum kit. And then this time, how you're gonna fit a truck in there. Somebody moves some things figured out. Oh, I'm here on the inside. Tell me when you're pulling up with the contraband, and I'll open up the garage door.

[Joan Pedestrian]

And then you think, what? And then they put the report.

[Kaven]

You could read the report.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah. Where did you file a report?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I also wanna ask you. I Do wanna know where you filed the report? Yeah, I have a feeling it's on the neighborhap. And I also wanna ask you, what do your neighbors typically do? Are they suspicious in any other ways? Because you seem to go from 0 to 60 with yes.

[Kaven]

Well, I just can't believe it's happening in my neighborhood, as I said.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right.

[Kaven]

I mean, my neighborhood is known for just really nice people of a certain age. We all just do our own thing. And, you know, I report the goings on and they turn to me and they expect to know, you know, what to fear. Or at least they tell me what to fear. Yeah. And, you know, they ask me, what do I fear today? And I tell them, I gotta be honest with you.

[Joan Pedestrian]

What else have you feared? On a different day, what do you fear? What are other things you fear about your neighbors?

[Kaven]

Spray, spray, spray.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Could you elaborate?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Say more?

[Kaven]

Insecticide spray.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Insecticide spray.

[Kaven]

Yeah.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay, okay. But all you need, generally you just need to be aware of when someone's doing it and you just stay inside.

[Kaven]

I saw a neighbor wearing gloves.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay. Now, Kaven, was it the window winter?

[Kaven]

No.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay. But they could have been gardening. Why?

[Kaven]

Gardening is useless.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Can you tell me something? Can you tell me something? When you're not playing with your nephews, what do you enjoy doing?

[Kaven]

Oh, well, let's see. I. Oh, God.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow, what a stumper.

[Kaven]

What do you enjoy doing?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Well, I think she's just spending her whole time in fear and just worried about everything.

[Kaven]

Well, no, I. There's a lot of things I like. You know, I love to take out all the pieces from my board games. Dust them, clean them, put them back in. And then every once in a while, just to be fun, I'll just replace, like, you know, in my chess set, I'll put a checker chip. And in my jackgammon set, I'll put, you know, I'll put a nickel.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Really?

[Kaven]

Yeah.

[Joan Pedestrian]

And who is that for? Is that for when you have company over to play the game? Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

God.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Sorry, that. Now, I wasn't expecting that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I wasn't expecting that either.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I was thinking maybe. So you get yourself a little chuckle.

[Kaven]

You don't think God has a sense of humor?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, I think so. Look at the duck billed platypus. Now, Caven, when you. So is the idea that the next time you open these games, let's say you're gonna play a game with someone, you open it up and like, oh, there's a nickel in there.

[Kaven]

Yes. And then I wink to God.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You wink to God. Right.

[Joan Pedestrian]

And I go, and you pretend as if God did it. Is that what you're trying to sort of like make it look like he did it and convince your.

[Kaven]

Yes.

[Joan Pedestrian]

She said that with such a chilling smile. Really?

[Kaven]

Isn't that funny? Isn't that funny?

[Joan Pedestrian]

I don't know.

[Kaven]

That's something.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, it is something.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It is something.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let me ask you, do you ever associate with your neighbors?

[Kaven]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You do hang out with them sometimes?

[Kaven]

Yes, I put flyers on their doors.

[Bret Morris]

Oh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, that's not the same. I don't think.

[Joan Pedestrian]

No. What do they say, for example?

[Kaven]

Look out.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Is there more? Yeah.

[Kaven]

Well, there's a line at the bottom. And every day I feel something different.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So in addition to posting, you are printing up flyers. You have a flyer template like a mad lib.

[Kaven]

Things to be afraid of because they

[Joan Pedestrian]

want to know they're supposed to fill it out.

[Kaven]

They look to me for that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is this every day you do this?

[Kaven]

Yes.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That's extreme. Well, and you're sure that they want it has truly no one ever come up to you and said, kaven, please, I don't want any more flyers on my doorstep?

[Kaven]

Yes.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Is that funny?

[Kaven]

So funny.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I really took delight in that.

[Joan Pedestrian]

She did.

[Kaven]

Well, Big broad smile. Why would somebody not real. They don't mean it. They don't mean it.

[Joan Pedestrian]

K. I think sometimes you have to take people at their word. I mean, it seems like you're not. You're receiving signals that I don't.

[Kaven]

I've been lied to so many times in my life.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

By whom?

[Kaven]

Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. School.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Right.

[Kaven]

Parents. Oh, my siblings, my nephews even. They're, you know, one in nine and they lie. Every word out of their mouth is untrue.

[Joan Pedestrian]

And you guys both all play this game together. What are their names?

[Kaven]

In the news? Cbs.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It's a strange name.

[Kaven]

And ABC and NBC.

[Joan Pedestrian]

What are your nephew.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is the one year old getting much enjoyment out of?

[Joan Pedestrian]

That's what I was wondering.

[Kaven]

Is he getting much enjoyment?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah.

[Bret Morris]

Yeah.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Well, 1 and 9 is a pretty. It's just you're. You're about different things.

[Kaven]

I don't know if he's enjoying it or not. He lies. They're all liars.

[Joan Pedestrian]

How can he even lie? He probably barely has a few words so far to say. What are their names?

[Kaven]

Jimothy is the youngest. And. And Terry. Terry. Terry.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is there more to his name?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Terry.

[Kaven]

Terry just changed his name.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, really?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, he did?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What did he change it to?

[Kaven]

To?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, he changed it from something to Terry.

[Kaven]

He changed it to Terry. Oh, what was a gorgeous name? Which was gorgeous name.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Please tell us.

[Kaven]

Marnold.

[Bret Morris]

Marnold.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I hate to say I kind of understand why he'd want to be switching it to Terry. How dare you.

[Kaven]

Okay.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Please. That's my last coaster. Okay. Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What is Marnold a family name?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah. It is unusual I have to say.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Never met a Mar. I met a few Jimothy's but never

[Joan Pedestrian]

a. Yeah, yes, I. I've known a Jimothy or two in my life.

[Kaven]

It's so be. When you say Mar.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

When you say Marnold, I say yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Kaven]

When you say Mar, I, it's So is this a word you can say on the air?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Air.

[Kaven]

Mellifluous.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh lovely. Yes, you absolutely can say that on the air.

[Kaven]

I heard it once and it just. It. That's Mar.

[Bret Morris]

I can kind of put some reverb on that if you'd like.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, that's great too.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sure, let's do it.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Good ad.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh that's gonna sound really good.

[Kaven]

Okay.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Beautiful. I'm assuming. So I'm assuming Terry is the nine year old who changed his name and the one year old is Jimothy.

[Kaven]

Yeah.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay. What do your, what do your brother and sister in law do that they're so busy that they pay you to play with them?

[Kaven]

Oh, they're. One of them is. He's flooring and my sister in law.

[Joan Pedestrian]

He's flooring.

[Kaven]

My sister in law does a lot of stuff on the phone. I don't know, she's always looking at her phone.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, so are they there when you are playing with Timothy? No, Terry. Excuse me.

[Kaven]

No, no. They have a timeshare in Cancun so

[Paul F. Tompkins]

they go to Cancun and then you play with the children.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Hang on.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But you don't watch the children, you just play farm animals with them.

[Kaven]

Oh, I'm sorry, it's remote sound.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh wait, so they're alone. So they're alone in the house while they go to Cancun for how long?

[Kaven]

No, they go. The whole family goes home. I zoom with them. I play games with them all day long. I keep them consumed. I don't know what they're doing down there. It's suspicious.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Your days seem packed because you are playing farm animals all day long. You're also posting on the neighborhab at least 18 times a day. Then you're also putting the flyers in people's doors.

[Kaven]

Yes, and there's so much to be afraid of. You know what, I had a neighbor the other day.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay.

[Kaven]

Okay. This is not the same one who was wearing gloves.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Got it.

[Kaven]

I had one neighbor the other day who had a measuring tape, and they were out, you know, and they were looking at the side of their house, and they had the measuring tape. I just said to myself, what on earth?

[Joan Pedestrian]

I thought there would be more. I was waiting for us to.

[Kaven]

No, I called the fire department.

[Joan Pedestrian]

The fire department? That's interesting.

[Kaven]

Yeah. I said. I said, listen, what kind of person lives in a house for so long and not. And. And all of a sudden they need to know, oh, how big is it? That's.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Well, they might be making an alteration to the outside of their home. They might be doing an add on.

[Kaven]

Nobody in my neighborhood makes alterations.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay. How long ago is this?

[Kaven]

This was. This was Friday. Which Today.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, this is Friday.

[Kaven]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Are you. Do you live in. Perfect. Perfect pond?

[Kaven]

Yes.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay. Perfect pond. There is. You are literally not allowed to make any changes of any kind. The HOA is. Is oppressive.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, they really are. They'll wake you up in the middle of the night, disappear you.

[Kaven]

I know. They'll come in the middle of the night at one time. They came at 5:48pm

[Joan Pedestrian]

that's also interesting. When do you go to bed?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Great question, Joan.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Thank you.

[Kaven]

I go to bed at 4.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Why?

[Kaven]

Why?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, 4pm but then 5:30 is still the middle of the night.

[Kaven]

I don't need to know what's happening after 4pm that is when the demons come.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay, now, you've thrown a lot of things out here, and I understand being paranoid about measuring tape and gloves. Please expound on what you mean by demons. Well,

[Kaven]

if you're out after 4pm you're not looking for, you know, to have a nice chat with somebody. You're looking for trouble. You either want to break in, tie somebody up, do a home invasion, or, you know, a possession.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Caven, has anything happened it remotely similar to what you just described, that you have seen?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And also, is tying someone up separate from a home invasion just tying them up?

[Kaven]

Yes, they're very different.

[Joan Pedestrian]

But have you seen or heard of that anywhere in your neighborhood?

[Kaven]

Yeah, well, not in my.

[Joan Pedestrian]

She was so quick to say yes before I got that last part in.

[Kaven]

I'm gonna. I'm gonna. I. No, not specifically in my neighborhood, but why do you think that is?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Why?

[Kaven]

Because somebody is on high alert.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, you think the only reason all those things you just described haven't happened is because of you?

[Kaven]

Yeah, I keep everything at bay.

[Joan Pedestrian]

How can you be on high alert when you're asleep at 4 and you said I don't want to witness.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What time do you wake up?

[Kaven]

I wake up at. I wake up sometime, but usually around 5am when the Klon pinwheels.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay, then how can you be on high alert on Klonopin every night?

[Kaven]

Oh, you have.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Who.

[Kaven]

Who's married you?

[Joan Pedestrian]

I'm married to Doug. Yes.

[Kaven]

Where's Doug when we need him?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Doug, do you want to come down here so she can see. See you? Okay. Present yourself.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He has to extricate himself from a. A human sized pinball.

[Joan Pedestrian]

All right.

[Bret Morris]

I'm rolling through the house.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It wasn't another candlestick. That's.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wait. That's the sound of the ball.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It's the sound of his pinball machine. All right. It's coming from the room.

[Bret Morris]

I'm coming.

[Joan Pedestrian]

What.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What is the ball made out of?

[Kaven]

Is somebody right now?

[Bret Morris]

It's a. It's. I mean, it's metal, right? But there's a window in it so you can see it.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It sounded like a gigantic metal bar was falling down the stairs towards us. Babe, that was alarming.

[Kaven]

I got.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I did not care for that.

[Kaven]

I'm writing this up.

[Bret Morris]

I would rather not get out of these balls.

[Kaven]

I'm writing it out.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Please don't write.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Write us up. Okay. This is Doug. This is Doug. Doug Caven.

[Bret Morris]

Caven presenting. Doug.

[Kaven]

I know you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Uh.

[Kaven]

Oh, I like you.

[Joan Pedestrian]

How? Where have you seen my husband?

[Kaven]

I saw him. I know what you did.

[Bret Morris]

What did you do last summer?

[Kaven]

I saw you in the bulk aisle. I know what you did.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What did you do in the bulk aisle?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Babe, what are you doing in the bulk aisle?

[Bret Morris]

I'm always in the bulk aisle.

[Kaven]

I know what you did.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Kavan, I think we're gonna need more information.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What did you call a such ass?

[Kaven]

You ate brown rice and you didn't write the proper number on it.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, on the bag, rather.

[Bret Morris]

Oh, no.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You mean scooping it into the bag.

[Bret Morris]

Do I have to take it back?

[Kaven]

You're a pervert.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Well, you already ate it, honey. A pervert. All right, now, kin. I can't let you call my husband a pervert. For that kind of person, it was probably an honest mistake.

[Kaven]

What kind of ethical person who doesn't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What are you writing on the bag?

[Kaven]

What am I writing on?

[Bret Morris]

You have to guess the exact weight. And if it's not right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I was going to say, don't they have a scale of some sort?

[Kaven]

No, not as the number of your bin.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Not. Not at Krauts, which is the only place where they have the bins of the seeds. And the grains.

[Kaven]

Is that how you pronounce it?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes.

[Bret Morris]

It's a weird system.

[Kaven]

I thought it was crotch C R

[Paul F. Tompkins]

O U G H T S. If

[Bret Morris]

you don't get the weight right, you've broken the law.

[Joan Pedestrian]

There's like a big sound effect. There's in the whole entire store and everyone laughs at you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What's really weird is they make you weigh yourself when you walk in there.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes, they do. And they make that sound when you get on the scale too.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then. Then you have to weigh when you go out. They subtract tracked.

[Kaven]

Well, that's how they make sure you're not taking anything.

[Bret Morris]

Yeah, they.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You have to pay by the difference in weight.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah, it's accurate to a grain of rice.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's their slogan.

[Kaven]

And if you.

[Bret Morris]

If you nail it, they'll wreck on a grain of rice.

[Kaven]

That's why you can't. That's why you can't invite into free samples because that's how they get you.

[Bret Morris]

Okay, but then I don't think I'm a pervert.

[Joan Pedestrian]

He's not a pervert.

[Kaven]

You are a pervert.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Caven.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Tell me about.

[Bret Morris]

They're better than demon.

[Kaven]

What kind of. Oh, they're the same. What kind of demon pervert writes a different number of the bin on your bag?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You think that's the weird behavior. He's in a big metal wall ball with a window in it.

[Joan Pedestrian]

No kidding.

[Kaven]

You look at porn.

[Joan Pedestrian]

What?

[Kaven]

I mean, that's the kind of mindset. So anyway, if you were my neighbor, that's what I would put on the flyer.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Well, now, first of all, I mean,

[Kaven]

I just didn't think it would happen in my neighborhood. That there would be understood trafficking in my neighborhood.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Somebody could toss a grain of rice at any man and he's going to

[Paul F. Tompkins]

look at response from your neighbors because there are people in the neighborhood saying. I don't think that was. I think you're jumping to a conclusion.

[Kaven]

They laugh, which I know is a defense mechanism.

[Joan Pedestrian]

How can you tell they laugh online?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, I meant in person. What was.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, sorry. Sorry. Oh, yeah, you're right.

[Kaven]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're saying they laugh.

[Kaven]

They laugh, which is a defense mechanism. That's what happens. I had a friend told me that. I had a friend told me that she witnessed her parents murder when we were on summer vacation.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Sorry, when you were a child?

[Kaven]

Yeah, when I was a child. And she told me this in confidence and my first reaction was to laugh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, you're saying it's a coping mechanism to deal with Horror.

[Kaven]

Yes. Because it was so horrible.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes. But was it true? Was she telling you a fake story?

[Kaven]

No, I think it was very much real.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Well, the only way to find out is did she ever see your parents again? I mean, if you were friends with her, you actually.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Were her parents murdered? I feel like that would be neighborhood news.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Kaven]

I think that's why we were at the same camp.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Because your parents were murdered?

[Kaven]

Oh, no, sorry, I forgot to. I forgot that part.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This happened at camp.

[Kaven]

This happened at camp. You did not. We were at the same. We were at the same camp.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Meaning like you lost touch right after this. So you weren't able to follow up on whether or not her parents were murdered? I mean, if her parents were murdered, she would have been taken out of camp. Was she taken out of camp?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Was she taken out of camp?

[Kaven]

Nobody came to pick her up.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Right. But she would not notify next of camp. What I'm trying to get out of Caven is I think what might have happened is from a very early like this.

[Kaven]

This is accusatory.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It's not accusatory. It's me trying to help you. Nope, not at all.

[Kaven]

I saw what I saw.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I'm answer hunting. That's what I'm doing. I'm not victim blaming.

[Kaven]

Typically they don't park in the garage. And now you want me to change my stuff?

[Joan Pedestrian]

No, I think that someone told you a tall tale when you were younger. I think you might have been a very impressionable young lady, which happens. People will sometimes, if you're innocent, tell you things. And I think it put in your mind a sense of fear about the entire world. Because if that. The stuff that happens when you're a kiddo like that, if you're a me, immediately scared of the world. That's how you grew up.

[Kaven]

Pass the sniff test for me. I listen. Do you have a television set?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I do.

[Kaven]

And when you turn it on, do you see bad things that are happening?

[Joan Pedestrian]

I do. We don't call it a television set, but yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Do you mean the news?

[Kaven]

What?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The news?

[Kaven]

The local news?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Is that what you're referring to? Yes, the bad things that are happening all over. Oh, I mean, I have seen the news. Yes.

[Kaven]

And then. And then now there's. Oh my gosh. What? My entire.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Babe. What? What do you think doing? He went back up into his room.

[Bret Morris]

I was gonna go to find the television set.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

He's trying to roll off to the tv.

[Bret Morris]

I was gonna bring it back to show you.

[Joan Pedestrian]

This was an inflatable ball. Not. Not like an actual.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, it's metal with a window in it.

[Bret Morris]

It's like a pinball.

[Kaven]

I'm so. I'm so happy that you're real, but I. I'm so also relieved that the head voice inside my head is not a pervert, but, in fact, your husband.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I'm glad you're glad.

[Bret Morris]

So I'm not a pervert?

[Kaven]

No, you are a pervert, babe.

[Joan Pedestrian]

No, you're not. Don't listen to her.

[Bret Morris]

Okay, can someone turn me around? I'm upside down.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Birds. Can you take care of that?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So there's no mechanism in that. What? Is there anything inside?

[Kaven]

I can see parts.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You have no way of testing. You're just trapped in there and have no way of steering it.

[Bret Morris]

Yeah, I mean, I'm kind of like. I'm. I'm upright.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, you have your palms and your feet.

[Bret Morris]

Yeah, I'm kind of like that. Leonardo.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes. Yes. I knew that's what you were going to say. Yes. Yes.

[Bret Morris]

Just because you knew what I was gonna say doesn't mean it's not.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let me give you. I'll give you a little push with my foot.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, boy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There he goes.

[Kaven]

All right.

[Bret Morris]

Oh, Got stuck in the door.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I closed the door.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You did?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, and he also got stuck in the door. That's as much as I can help you, Doug.

[Bret Morris]

Thanks.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I feel cavan. As if you have, if I may say, a very vivid and very negative imagination.

[Kaven]

I agree.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That's not a compliment.

[Kaven]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Not an insult either. Just a statement of fact.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That's right. It's an observation.

[Kaven]

That's what I. Statement of fact. Thank you. This is language.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Here's a statement of fact for you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Can I get a great observation, Bert?

[Kaven]

Give it to him.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, me?

[Bret Morris]

Yeah.

[Kaven]

Yes.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Great observation, Bert.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Thank you.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Know your place.

[Kaven]

Know your place.

[Bret Morris]

Oh.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, great. Great, babe.

[Bret Morris]

You sigh it after.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I'm sorry. Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, I. When I say great questions. You're on.

[Joan Pedestrian]

She interrupted me, and now. I don't know what I was gonna say.

[Kaven]

If you're not deferential to this person, what are you even doing? Here is.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Is a caven. Here is a statement of fact. People, yes. Are allowed to park on their driveway or in their garage. It happens every day. It doesn't mean anything other than it's their free will, and they just decided

[Kaven]

you don't live rent free. In their head, they know what they don't either. Know what they're doing. I know what they're doing. You're up to. You're doing fine. You're parking in your driveway, you go to all that trouble to lay down all that you're doing fine gravel, and then you don't park on it. You're.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Hi.

[Kaven]

You're in your garage because you're hiding something.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, I'm in your garage because there's going to be a hail storm that night. You don't want your car to get damaged.

[Kaven]

There is no hail storm.

[Joan Pedestrian]

All right, all right. Maybe she threw a throw pillow, which I understand we need to change that name.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There shouldn't be so many throw pillows in the kitchen.

[Kaven]

And I think that even if there was a hailstorm, what is so special about your truck that it can't handle a hailstorm? Isn't that the reason people get trucks? I have a Dodge Dart and I even that has survived many a hailstorm.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Forget the hailstorm. That was the wrong avenue to go down.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I wish you hadn't said hailstorm.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Who is your neighbor? Do you know what this man's name is?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Or woman?

[Kaven]

I know, but I don't want to get a deformation lawsuit. Fine.

[Joan Pedestrian]

What. What now? Have you had any interactions with him? What does he do for. For a living?

[Kaven]

I don't know.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I don't know. I don't have. Well, then guess what, Kevin? You can't then just determine that he's up to no good if you have no idea what he does.

[Kaven]

One job where you park in your driveway, and then all of a sudden one day you park in your garage.

[Joan Pedestrian]

The job of being a human on planet Earth. That's not a job.

[Kaven]

That's just. That's. That's not a job.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You don't have to have a job. You don't have to have a job to park in your driveway or in your garage.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's so true.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You just have to be a person

[Kaven]

who lives at their house kind of person. Has no job. Well, yeah, I have a very important job.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Playing with your nephews.

[Joan Pedestrian]

And I'm not sure about them letting

[Kaven]

my neighbors know danger is around the

[Joan Pedestrian]

corner at all times. But it's danger that you're making up in your head. You think Doug is the voice in your head. You are the voice in your head.

[Kaven]

I saw what I saw. They opened a garage from inside the car.

[Joan Pedestrian]

She's still hung up on that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She really is. Are you somehow monetizing your neighbor hat posting?

[Kaven]

Am I. Am I monetizing? Am I making money off of this?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Kaven]

I don't need money where I live. I mean, I do, but I don't monetize it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

But you said this Was your job.

[Kaven]

Listen, I have a lot of people who count on me, is what I. And that. That is a job.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

These are the people that laugh at you when you say this person's human trafficking.

[Kaven]

Well, because it's a defense mechanism.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You think that. But what if they're laughing because they think. Think you're crazy?

[Kaven]

That is a big word. Crazy.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I know. That's why I whisper. Big word. I whisper it.

[Kaven]

And you whisper it because. Because I. I saw what you said just now, and that's accusatory. And I'm gonna sue you for defamation.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, no, not me. For defamation.

[Kaven]

Yes. They're not laughing at me. They're laughing at me for be. For. Because they love me. Because they care about me.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Dear. I.

[Kaven]

And they know they got it good with. With me.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I don't.

[Kaven]

I mean, how.

[Joan Pedestrian]

How do they have it good with you?

[Kaven]

They have it good. A free service.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Name one free service. I don't see.

[Kaven]

Name one free service.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Boy, I can't think of one. Hugs.

[Joan Pedestrian]

There you go, baby.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's a free service.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Good one. That is a free service from the pervert. Oh, my gosh.

[Bret Morris]

Doug.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Not. It's not helping. You beat the pervert allegations.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Did you make it? Where are you now? What happened?

[Bret Morris]

I've fallen down the. In the basement.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Down those three steps.

[Bret Morris]

I'm all in. I'm just. I'm so lost in the house right now. How am I gonna get this ball back up?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know. How are we still hearing?

[Bret Morris]

I wish I didn't have to present myself.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Right.

[Kaven]

Let's shake it now. Listen to my core. Because you are questioning and calling the question into my impressionable mind that maybe what I'm doing is not. Is not somehow a service or useful and that people are laughing at me.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I don't think that it does. And I think that they own. Sure, but do you have any good friends that you can trust? People that you. You would say he. I trust this person. I know they're up to only good.

[Kaven]

I am. I'm not put on this planet to trust people. I am put on this planet to do the opposite. I'm to question. To question the motives of every single human.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That is exhausting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You feel this is your purpose on Earth?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes.

[Kaven]

Somebody has to be the lighthouse.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are you a religious person?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Of course she is. She thinks that she makes little jokes for God. Remember?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I forgot about that.

[Kaven]

Pay attention. Burnt.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are you a churchgoer?

[Kaven]

Oh, yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay. Where do you go? What religion are you? What church do you go to?

[Kaven]

I'm, I'm Christian, but I'm Christian of. I'm bespoke Christian. I, I, I, it's, it's tailor made Christianity to my needs.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Right, I see.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How does it differ? What would say the key differences between

[Joan Pedestrian]

like, do you go to a building, do you worship with other people when you do this, or do you do this religion from home?

[Kaven]

Oh, I do it from home. Yeah. And I, and you know, because the thing about churches is, I think we've all read the headlines full of pedophiles.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I mean, listen, that, that is a statement of effect.

[Kaven]

Mm. Thank you. Finally, you've seen the problem.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Well, it's been proven in many ways. Not every single truth, but we know it's a problem. Yes, but what's your point with that?

[Kaven]

Well, I don't like to go anywhere where I can find that. I mean, I don't even love to go to crotches because, you know, see,

[Joan Pedestrian]

here's the interesting thing. Okay.

[Kaven]

You said, because I know that when I go to the bulk aisle, my hands are touching, you know, handles and bins where other perverts have been. Sure.

[Bret Morris]

Was she nodding over to me when she said that?

[Joan Pedestrian]

She was. Even though you're not here, she was nodding in your pinballs directly direction. What you say, you say, you seem to accept, you know, what, what the news said about this one thing you mentioned about the church. So that, that's something that people have actually done investigative work on. Something like someone going into their garage. There's no, there's no news about that. We've never had some explosive case.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There's not a spate of garage.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Correct.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Human trafficking.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes. Yes.

[Kaven]

I'm so sorry that I have to connect the dots.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, she is squinting so hard.

[Kaven]

I'm going to give you a scenario. This is the only scenario I can possibly think of.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right?

[Kaven]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay.

[Kaven]

Let's call him John Jacob Jingle.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay. Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're gonna end before.

[Bret Morris]

That's my name too.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Doug.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Doug.

[Bret Morris]

Doug. It's one of my favorite songs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, it's a banger.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I don't think she's not even aware of the song. Maybe or, or just doesn't like it. But I'm sure that's not what she was talking.

[Kaven]

And James Jingleheimer gets in his truck.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay?

[Kaven]

And on this day, he says, the

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Schmidt eraser is driving me crazy.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I know, but you have to get over it, Bernd.

[Kaven]

He gets in his truck, he puts it in drive and he comes home and he thinks no one's watching. And he thinks this time I'm just gonna go in through the outdoor. Right.

[Joan Pedestrian]

In through the outdoor well.

[Kaven]

I'm gonna go into an area where I've never entered before.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Again, I'm just gonna have. I have an argument with this. You don't know that he's never entered these. I know. This is.

[Kaven]

I said typically.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I know, but that doesn't mean never. This is the same problem. You haven't had your eyes on him

[Kaven]

typically every single time. Look up.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Typically. Look up. Typically. Do it. Do what she says because she won't get off of it.

[Kaven]

You're gonna be so disappointed.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay, Keep going with the scenario. So he decides to keep going.

[Kaven]

Wait till the bed of that truck. What do you think that it need? That you can't go into your own driving, that you don't want anyone to see what's.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You don't even need to have anything that you're trying to hide. You could just want to protect your truck. Maybe you don't want someone to break into your truck. Now that's something that does happen. Even people break into cars on the street and in the driveway.

[Kaven]

Not in. Not in the area that you said I live in.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Are you sure about that? It seems like maybe you don't even know about the crimes that do happen in your neighborhood versus the ones. Yes, I said neighborhood versus the ones that you pretend have high alert.

[Kaven]

My neighbor heard from me that there's dangers and they're all on high alert.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Well, now that's fun. I like neighborhood. Neighborhood for me. Here we go. Here's your definition on typically.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

In most cases. Most usually.

[Kaven]

Usually.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Often a sub modifier often.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Does it say that a synonym is never. Does it list never as a synonym?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No.

[Joan Pedestrian]

There you go.

[Kaven]

No, because it's usually often, most likely, and commonly. Go ahead.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Did you say otten men?

[Bret Morris]

Antonin?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Antonym. It's the same thing as a synonym.

[Kaven]

No, that's different.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's the opposite.

[Kaven]

Oh, all right.

[Joan Pedestrian]

What I was trying to say.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Did you know that antonym is the antonym of synonym?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes. What I'm trying to say is if never is not a synonym, then I was going to make my pointer. I wasn't thinking that it wasn't. I wasn't thinking that it was. Was not the opposite.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I think I believe that that Caven is using typically as a synonym for always.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Is that what you were doing?

[Kaven]

Correct.

[Joan Pedestrian]

And I don't think it can be used as always.

[Kaven]

Oh, I love men. They're so brilliant.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And that's why we're looking it up.

[Bret Morris]

I think it can mean always.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, Doug, you're not helping.

[Kaven]

Let me. Let me say that I have no agenda.

[Joan Pedestrian]

This from the guy who once said, maybe onion is everywhere.

[Bret Morris]

Can't prove it.

[Kaven]

If I said, if I said if I said I typically would wake up if I don't typically wake up. What does that mean?

[Joan Pedestrian]

It also doesn't mean that you never wake up at a different time. That's what I'm trying to say.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

She left out the idea of a time.

[Kaven]

I didn't say anything.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I'm adding a time.

[Kaven]

Wake up every day.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So typically means what happens if I don't.

[Kaven]

Typically. If what happens on the day that I don't wake up?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You'll be dead.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh. I think that she thinks she got a confession out of you, Bert.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I honestly, I could not parse that reaction.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Well, she stuck her finger right up in the air as if to say eureka. But she just left.

[Bret Morris]

Right?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Why don't we ask her? Haven. What did Haven. Sorry. I know a Haven, but I've never met a Cavan. What did you mean by that gesture and that response?

[Kaven]

Well, I'm gonna ask you one more time, and I'm gonna need you to keep up because you are dim.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, my Lord.

[Kaven]

I typically wake up. What happens on the day that I. I don't.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I. I would posit that you would be dead. And that's why you haven't woken up.

[Joan Pedestrian]

The same thing happened was a little extra.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We're not closer to an understanding.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Almost went into Doug's. Hello. I. I don't know why you're acting as if I can't follow along. I mean, because. Because you need to finish.

[Kaven]

Don't you think if I did wake up, that would be cause for alarm and maybe a RO Report?

[Joan Pedestrian]

You know what?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Coroner's report, for sure.

[Kaven]

Yeah.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Did you make the report to. Who did you make the report to?

[Kaven]

To the. To my substack.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay.

[Kaven]

And to. And to the police. Of course. I have. I have an email. I have a contact. You do?

[Bret Morris]

Subwoofer stack.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Hold on, please. Kin. What did you say?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Subwoofer stack.

[Bret Morris]

Yeah. I was always wondering what the sub means in subs.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, Doug, I. I gotta say, that was not worth it.

[Joan Pedestrian]

No, it really wasn't.

[Kaven]

Fair.

[Bret Morris]

You asked for clarification.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It can't always be worth it. You don't need to hear every single word play moment that you have.

[Bret Morris]

It's not word play. It's wondering what the sub is short for.

[Kaven]

But do you really think.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Why would it mean that?

[Bret Morris]

Why would you think substandard submarine?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So you could have said anything.

[Kaven]

There is a subwoofer stack. But it's a woman who trains the stack concept. You have no problem trains Icelandic sheepdogs specifically.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Doug's gonna love that. That's right up his alley.

[Bret Morris]

Sounds great.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That's right up his alley. Okay, listen you mate Caven.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Bert. You're being very frustrating. I feel like you're being willfully upset

[Kaven]

because I work from home and it's a pleasure that's threatening to you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It is.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I'm surprised you came in. I'm surprised you didn't try to do this from home.

[Kaven]

I had to go pick up some things at Crouches.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It's krauts. But what did you pick Pick up?

[Kaven]

Well, probably a disease from the pervert that.

[Joan Pedestrian]

First of all he wasn't even there

[Kaven]

today with the bins. But when I'm not. When I go there, I go to get my. Yeah, I go to get my juice boxes and my lemonades.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Your juice boxes and lemonades?

[Kaven]

Powders.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Powders.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Do you get anything in the food group?

[Kaven]

Not from there. No, not from there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's a section of crosses.

[Bret Morris]

Yeah, they have powders food groups.

[Kaven]

It's called the food have to go through the.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a membership program.

[Kaven]

I mean I'm not touching anything in that place with a ten foot pole.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hopefully.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I just. I asked that because I don't think you're eating enough. I. I don't think I know that you're sleeping. I guess enough because you take a clonapin.

[Kaven]

But you and my brother should get a room.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh no. That's interesting. Why. Why do you say that is all I hear about. Also I don't know that we need to get a room. Do you just mean that we agree that you're skinny.

[Kaven]

Cave in.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That doesn't mean we need to hook something.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't think so.

[Kaven]

Cave in. You're delusional. Ca.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh no. Hang on.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This is important.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Do you hear this, Bernd?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh yeah, I'm here.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Your own brother is telling you you're delusional. Do you hear what you're saying?

[Kaven]

Well, this is a man who has a child eight years apart. What's that about?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Probably a surprise. Yeah, they thought they were in the clear.

[Kaven]

Yeah, it was a surprise when I found out what happened to the others.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay, well perhaps they just didn't want to have all the babies that they might have been able to have. That's none of my business. That's none of your business.

[Kaven]

Okay.

[Joan Pedestrian]

We're not gonna touch on that. Do you hear that? Your mother's calling you to. She's singing. I don't know. She's. She's.

[Kaven]

She's.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It sounds like a disagreeable song.

[Kaven]

Yeah, it does.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Caven, you know we always like to feel like we helped people, but I honestly feel like you just turned my brain around. It put me in a bad mood.

[Kaven]

I knew. Yeah.

[Joan Pedestrian]

And you called me dim, which I'm really still reeling from.

[Kaven]

You called me crazy.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I whispered it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

To be fair.

[Joan Pedestrian]

To be fair.

[Kaven]

Do you know who can hear whispers?

[Bret Morris]

Who?

[Kaven]

Correct. Oh, this man is wonderful. You listen and follow everything he says.

[Joan Pedestrian]

All right, Kevin, listen. This is where we usually say, we wish you the best of luck. I don't know how Bern feels about that. I really. I want you to listen to your brother. The next time he's talking to you and saying these things, try to hear what he is saying. I think there is some truth to what he's saying.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I guess we can. We can also say you came on here to alert people to suspicious activity. And you can consider that done.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes. So you achieve that goal. I guess.

[Kaven]

I don't know. He says something and all of a sudden I perk up and I enjoy it. And then you say stuff.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You called my husband a pervert. More than once. I just. I'm not sure I can tolerate that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let me try something. Let me say something. Kavan, I think you need to seek professional psychiatric help.

[Kaven]

I think that you need to stop trying to convince me.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, it didn't work.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Meant to be. There you go. I feel vindicated.

[Kaven]

Rubbled. You pervert.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Now you're the pervert.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now I've been tarp with the pervert.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Well, now Dim sounds pretty good. I'm sitting over here just being dim.

[Kaven]

You do deserve each other. Enjoy your little cave.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay. Our cave.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay? We're just in a kitchen. All right, Caven, you're a very frustrating person. And thank you.

[Kaven]

I'm not going to make it easy for you perverts. I'm going to.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Well, you certainly haven't made it easy for us right now.

[Kaven]

What? You're not. You're not allowed to just run free and do your perverting? No perverting. I am going to stand in the way. I'm an obstacle.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, but you do have to leave.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yeah, you do, actually. You need to leave right now.

[Bret Morris]

You can take a gift bag on your way out.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Can I just start doing gift bags?

[Kaven]

I need what's in the gift bag. Nice thing you put in the gift bag. This stuff.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Dental floss. Baby, put dental floss in the bag.

[Bret Morris]

Dental floss.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There's this little finger dentist at Halloween.

[Bret Morris]

I need little finger puppets. There's little finger.

[Kaven]

I don't like these kind of light bulbs. No, thank you.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Light bulb.

[Bret Morris]

Light bulbs.

[Kaven]

I don't. Oh. Oh, I can't eat that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What is it?

[Kaven]

It's a peanut. It's got food in it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's got food in it.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It's got food in it.

[Kaven]

Interested?

[Joan Pedestrian]

All right. Caven? Well, I don't know. Get out of here.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We'll return with the Never Listen when the Never Listen returns.

[Kaven]

Bye. Slut.

[Joan Pedestrian]

This is a paid message from GoFundMe. Meet Juan Naula. When his son was hospitalized for a viral infection, Juan started a GoFundMe to pay for medical expenses.

[Bret Morris]

It was 5k to pay the bill for my son and I need only 22 hours. It was amazing. People really trust on GoFundMe.

[Joan Pedestrian]

How did Juan raise $5,000 in less than a day? He posted a short video on GoFundMe telling his story in 30 seconds.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

30 seconds.

[Bret Morris]

Be specific. Be quick and tell. What are you gonna be using the funds for? I was nervous to do it because it doesn't feel okay to ask money. But you shouldn't be nervous. Sometimes you just have to do it and see the results or we were able to save my son's life thanks to gofundme that we still have my son with us.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Start your GoFundMe today at gofundme.com that's gofundme.com gofundme.com this message reflects one person's experience.

[Kaven]

Hey, this is Scott.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I got a Sport electric scooter. 14 tires, 48 volt battery with charger. Excellent. $160 scooter is in perfect new condition and everything was perfectly on it, including headlights and tail lights and computer screen. Puncture resistant tires, adjustable seat and handlebars, thick cushion and gone up to 40 miles an hour. The lock on the rear basket trunk is not working. Super long battery life and fast recharge. Comes with 500 watt charger. Please ask for more pictures or information or video of it working. I'll respond quickly. Cannot hold or deliver. First here gets it sells for hundreds more. Great deal. You can check it all out and write it before you buy. Disneyland area. The scooter is just like brand new and the tires are perfect with nowhere on them. Worst Father's Day present ever. Come get it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And welcome back to the neighborhood. Listen, Kevin was A delusional person.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Truly disturbed. I'm so disturbed by her. She was disturbed. Disturbing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Then she was not fun to talk to.

[Joan Pedestrian]

No. She called. She called me a slut at the end there. Did you hear that? She called Doug a pervert.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Called you a dim slut.

[Joan Pedestrian]

A dim slut.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I was spared her ire till the very end. I became a pervert.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Suggesting that she needed some help. What if she's right sometimes?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, burn. Don't do that. Of course she's not right. What are you talking about?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Someone's going into trafficking. Going?

[Joan Pedestrian]

You cannot lean into that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Why did they suddenly park in the garage?

[Joan Pedestrian]

They do it all the time. I'm sure you're gonna start making everyone crazy.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I won't. I promise I won't.

[Joan Pedestrian]

All right, babe, did you get back into the pinball area?

[Bret Morris]

No, I'm stuck.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Where are you?

[Bret Morris]

I am in the hot tub in the basement.

[Joan Pedestrian]

In the ball.

[Bret Morris]

The ball fell perfectly in the hot tub. And so now it's in this, like, perfect divot.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The hot tub's not on.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I was gonna say, if it is, then it's heating you up.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You're boiling.

[Bret Morris]

Yeah, it's boiling you pretty hot. Wow.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay.

[Bret Morris]

But I made the ball. But the ball is getting very hot because it's metal. All right.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay, then we're going to make this section quick.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Shouldn't leave that basement hot tub on all the time.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Definitely not. I don't even know. We were thinking with a basement hot tub. I know it wasn't.

[Bret Morris]

Well, it's annoying because when you want to go into a hot tub and it's not on, you want it to be kind of impulsive.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, yeah. You want. You want to turn a corner, see a hot tub on, and just jump in.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You don't want to have to plan your hot tubs. You want to get the feeling for it.

[Bret Morris]

Sure. Just like, immediately take off all your clothes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Get in there.

[Bret Morris]

Yeah, yeah. Then you try.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I require clothing for our hot tub.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now, the idea was you were. You were trying to make it look like a natural hot spring, and that's why it's in the basement, right?

[Bret Morris]

Yes, that's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

So you have a dirt.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It's like an in ground trampoline, but it's just. It's. It's flush with the. It's flush with the floor.

[Bret Morris]

Yes, exactly. And there's. They. There's those. Those monkeys in it, you know, replicas.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

They love those monkeys that love a house.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You know those.

[Bret Morris]

Yeah, those. Those are my favorite.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I know. They're your favorite. You love their super red.

[Bret Morris]

Don't want to hang out with them.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And you've also. You've somehow, like, pumped in the smell of eggs.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, gosh.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

To make it seem more sulfurous.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It's the worst. That's the stuff you can't smell on those natural graphics. I'll tell you what.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What?

[Bret Morris]

That's the stuff you can't tell on. You can't smell.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's what you can't smell on the graphics. It's like, what?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, wow. Was it that unintelligible.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It was pretty. It was one of those things where it took me a second to process. That's something that you can't smell on those National Geographics. I'll tell you why.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You got it. You got it.

[Bret Morris]

That imp. That process. Talking about those things you can't do with National Geographic.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Sure.

[Bret Morris]

I'll tell you what. And we've been talking about the things

[Paul F. Tompkins]

you can do with them. All right, we have one more post, and this is in the for sale section. And this is very confusing to me.

[Kaven]

This is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Larry posted this. Modern white staircase, $500. Oh, a staircase. That's.

[Bret Morris]

That's.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Is there a picture that is.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Now that is. That is interesting enough that somebody's selling a staircase. Yes. It's a stylish white staircase with metal railing.

[Bret Morris]

Modern.

[Joan Pedestrian]

And then that could be like a short story, but it's already so interesting.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You look at the picture.

[Joan Pedestrian]

And he used.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Would you like to describe staircase?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Modern white staircase.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Modern white staircase.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Stylish metal railings. What do you see in this picture?

[Joan Pedestrian]

I don't see any staircase.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's the headline. No staircase.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Start off right there.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It looks like there's a diorama on a table. Table. And then just an open box and a couch.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a blurry photo.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It is a blurry photo with zero staircase.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Here's what I'm gonna say. Yeah, I just sent it to you.

[Bret Morris]

Doug. Huh?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Do you see a staircase, Doug?

[Bret Morris]

Do you think that's a picture of him trying to post the picture of the staircase?

[Joan Pedestrian]

You mean he should have flipped the camera around?

[Bret Morris]

I see somebody on their phone.

[Joan Pedestrian]

This is like when you're trying to log into some sort of dumb account. And it's like, identify all the staircases. And you have to click on all the squares with the staircase.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Let me describe to the listener what I see.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

All right. So we're in a. We're in a room of some kind. There is a glass door on the left. Light is coming in through the door. It looks like an office building. Actually. A little bit in the bottom left corner, there's a hand holding a phone. And I guess there's like an envelope, A big, you know, brown envelope. And then to the right of the screen, you see what looks like either a chair.

[Bret Morris]

Chair.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Or part of a couch. And then in the back, in the background, what you see is what looks like the back end of a car.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It is. Okay, see now because there's these two red lights. It looks like there's two red lamps.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Tail lights.

[Joan Pedestrian]

So is it the back of a pickup truck?

[Bret Morris]

It looks like a fake garage.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, we could be in a garage, but the doors are not garage doors. Doors. But there's like the flatbed of an old fashioned pickup truck. No wheels.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It's on a coffee table. It's on an end table. It's very strange.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, I don't think it's on an air table. I think it's attached to the wall.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Like a piece of art.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes, but also it's like a shelf, kind of. You could put stuff on it.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Yes, it's like a shelf. It's like it's resting on the shelf. It makes no sense, honestly.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's not resting on the shelf.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It's very disturbing.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's not resting on a shelf.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay. It looked like a shelf.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's a shelf in its shelf.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It's a shelf in itself.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

This, this, this thing, like they've put stuff on the bed of the truck as if it's just like a normal shelf. Yeah, the, the lights are illuminating.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That would be. Hang on a second. Hang on. I'm getting. That would be a good. Like now when she's in her kitchen and you're getting like a vision. I am. I am. So she could be. This is. Something's got to give. She could be like. And look at this kitchen. It is for myself. Look at this Lazy Susan. It's a shelf for yourself.

[Bret Morris]

What?

[Kaven]

Right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No, I mean, since you asked.

[Bret Morris]

Right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I say no. Lazy Susan is shelf.

[Bret Morris]

Shelf for yourself.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The shelf for yourself.

[Joan Pedestrian]

What?

[Bret Morris]

That's what you said.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

How dare you. What? Hear the source of the what?

[Bret Morris]

When she comes out of these visions, sometimes she doesn't even know what she just said.

[Joan Pedestrian]

No, you guys, you are out for approximately 30 seconds. Separate things. She's walking through and naming things. It's like, like, look at this trove. Treasures untold. How many wonders can one. It's like, here's a dinglehopper. Here's a candlestick. Here's a thing. Like In Little Mermaid, she calls a fork a dinglehopper. Don't you remember? The seagull says, what is it?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I've never seen it.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You've never seen Little Mermaid? Why would I see it, Joy?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I mean, I don't have children. I was too old.

[Bret Morris]

I thought you meant Something's gotta be.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You do not need children to enjoy litter. I was a child when I watched it. You could have seen it as a child.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Hold on a second.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I didn't have children either when I first saw it. What, am I yelling again?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Again?

[Kaven]

Why?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm saying. I'm not saying that. I guess it didn't occur to me that there would be anything for me there at the time when it came out.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Wow. It came out when we. You would have been young as well. You would have been a young person.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That young.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I mean, you know, I. I guess

[Paul F. Tompkins]

probably even my 20s.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I don't think there's anything wrong with seeing a movie that's about Disney.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And I never said there was anything wrong with a movie about.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Listen to me. She's in. That's what I realize. I shouldn't have said it that way. Good catch, babe. What I'm saying is, she's in the kitchen and she's naming things. In the kitchen. So she names. She's playing with the lazy Susan. And then she gestures over to a shelf. There's a shelf for yourself.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And what does that mean to you?

[Joan Pedestrian]

It means she didn't necessarily need it. It's decorative. I put it in there for myself because I wanted cute things on it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, so you put cute things on the shelf that's for yourself.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That's right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Joan Pedestrian]

But you guys had to chew my head off.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Well, Joan, you weren't making any sense.

[Bret Morris]

I think it was great, babe.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I was making sense to myself, and

[Paul F. Tompkins]

that's all that matters. Unless you're putting on a production where people need to understand what's going on.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I am in the creative process right now.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Understood.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I am in development.

[Bret Morris]

No, wrong answer.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I'm looking out for future Joan.

[Bret Morris]

All right?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If you would like to. If you'd like to see this picture of this. Whatever the hell is going on here,

[Joan Pedestrian]

I don't like it.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Follow us on Instagram. You know what? You don't even have to follow us. You can just go to our Instagram.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You can do this.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

No pressure. No pressure.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, and by the way, I want to shout out someone. Made sure to mention that we have someone listening from South Korea. And two people from Brazil.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Two people from Brazil. Two and they haven't urged us to come to Brazil yet.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I don't know yet. I don't know anything about that. I had just mentioned they were referring to our Argentinian friend. And then someone said, just so you know, you have a listener from Brazil. Two, in fact, and one from South Korea. So thank you so much.

[Bret Morris]

We should tour that there. Have you seen those shows they play?

[Joan Pedestrian]

I don't know. Two people warrants a tour.

[Bret Morris]

Like those. Iron Maiden. Iron Maiden and in Brazil.

[Joan Pedestrian]

No. What are.

[Bret Morris]

You haven't seen unbelievable amounts of people.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, you're saying they just show up to the venue no matter what?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Or we open for Iron Maiden. Do you think our podcast should open for Iron Maiden?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like when the Neil diamond impersonator opened for Pearl Jam, did that happen?

[Joan Pedestrian]

She didn't see the movie.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It did happen.

[Bret Morris]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It happened in real life, and it happened in the documentary, and then it happened in the movie.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Movie.

[Bret Morris]

Wow.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Wow. So that story's been told.

[Joan Pedestrian]

He's been told. Right? That story's run its course. Okay, great. And so is this podcast episode.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

If you would like to treat yourself to something. A moment of unexpected joy.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I know what you're gonna say.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

There's a moment in Songsung Blue. Pivotal moment from one of the characters. Pivotal moment in my life.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Really?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yes.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Because it's something that really delighted me, and I will. I will have it forever. If you can guess what it is, is. Why don't you. Why don't you post your guesses in the discord?

[Joan Pedestrian]

There you go. There you go.

[Bret Morris]

And the dig cord.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And the dig.

[Joan Pedestrian]

And the dig cord.

[Bret Morris]

Yes, we check the dig chord a

[Paul F. Tompkins]

lot more than we do check the dig cord hourly.

[Bret Morris]

We're super engaged in there. Talk to everybody.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. The dig cord. I feel like I've made friends with a lot of people. Yeah.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Well, at the beginning of this post this episode, you're saying men can't be friends. So I have a par.

[Bret Morris]

Can't be friends.

[Joan Pedestrian]

We.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We just don't know anything about each other.

[Bret Morris]

We know how much fun we have.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Friendship is. We do know how much fun we have. Doug.

[Bret Morris]

That's right.

[Kaven]

Okay.

[Joan Pedestrian]

What were you gonna say?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Who cares?

[Bret Morris]

Another delightful thing.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, boy.

[Bret Morris]

Do you want to treat yourself?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, sure I do. Sure we all do.

[Bret Morris]

Sign up for CBB World on the Maximus plan.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Doug, that was wonderful. Yes. And you can gain access to our bonus room content in addition to ad free episodes, which is most episodes. But you can also hear our Bon. Our movie watch alongs, our double date Recordings.

[Bret Morris]

I dare say pivotal moments happen in those bonus rooms.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

1,000% correct.

[Joan Pedestrian]

A lot of them do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Absolutely.

[Joan Pedestrian]

You actually can miss a lot.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Absolutely. It all goes down in the bonus room.

[Joan Pedestrian]

And also, if you like to enjoy yourself, you could watch Little Mermaid, for God's sake.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, you could. Maybe I will.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That'd be great. For once. I don't know what that meant. We should just stop. I think I need to go put a cold towel on my head.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We should, you know,

[Bret Morris]

And if you could just maybe turn the hot tub down before you do that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are we talking, like, what size towel?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Are we talking bigger than you think?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Like a bath towel?

[Joan Pedestrian]

Like a. Like, yeah, as thick and. No, like kind of the towel that you get in a hotel where you're supposed to wipe your feet on the. On the. When you get out of the shower.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Oh, bath mat.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Kind of like a bath mat towel.

[Kaven]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

What's a bath mat sheet?

[Joan Pedestrian]

A bath towel? No.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

You ever try to buy towels online and they. So they have a bath towel, but then also a bath sheet.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Never heard of that. Is it like a fitted towel? That would be frustrating. Maybe you're supposed to stick your arms and legs in it, you know, Vitruvius style, and then you just dry off. That'd be kind of a fun towel. Wouldn't you like that, babe? Yeah, Vitruvius towel. You just get in there and then you stretch and then you move a little and then you do it on the other side.

[Bret Morris]

Love that.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Should have a great idea. Should we go to Shark Tank with that?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's nothing but a great idea to do the work.

[Bret Morris]

Tank.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Let the towel do the work.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Exactly. Now, my approach to that was, you know, in a hotel, I would put the towel on the bed and then I would lie down on that, and then another towel on top of me and just let.

[Joan Pedestrian]

How do you get the other towel on top of you by yourself?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It's just a towel. It's not that hard.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I know, but it's sort of hard to do. I don't know, to cover yourself just right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I. Well, okay, here's you, woman. Do you want to know my secret?

[Joan Pedestrian]

I do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

My secret.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I do.

[Bret Morris]

Then I'll tell my secret.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Okay, I. I whoosh out the towel.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Huh?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Then it's all the way down at my feet. Then I grasp it and I pull it up over me.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I see.

[Bret Morris]

You know what?

[Joan Pedestrian]

I had you. I had you face down. I have you doing face down on the towel that's on the bed. And then grasping for another towel to

[Kaven]

Put up over you.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That seems like a lot of work.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Well, that's why I reacted that way.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah. No, I'm lying. I'm lying. Lying face up.

[Kaven]

Okay.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And pull the towel over me like a shroud.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That makes sense.

[Bret Morris]

Here's what I do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And then I just let the. The towels do their work.

[Kaven]

Okay. Yeah.

[Bret Morris]

Whenever Joan and I are in a hotel or motel.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, this is a secret. Rarely a motel.

[Bret Morris]

You know, they have those signs in the bathroom sometimes that say you can either hang up the towel or just throw it on the ground. Yeah. It starts making me feel.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

And they try to pressure you, like if you give a.

[Joan Pedestrian]

About you care about the earth or even about us.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We do.

[Bret Morris]

So I like to. Because that confuses me and I start to feel guilty.

[Joan Pedestrian]

I've seen Doug. He'll just stand in the bathroom for like 13 minutes.

[Bret Morris]

Yeah. Just reading that, making sure I really get it.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Deliberating. Yeah.

[Bret Morris]

So what I do is I try to avoid using the towels at all.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Bret Morris]

I have Joan turn on the clothes iron and just kind of just waft that.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It's like steaming him. I don't like it either.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't like it.

[Joan Pedestrian]

It's gone wrong several times.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Absolutely. Then protective services gets involved.

[Joan Pedestrian]

That's why I am the legal guardian of Doug.

[Bret Morris]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Doug's changing at the gym. They see a burn mark. Iron burn on him.

[Bret Morris]

Yeah.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I have kind of good times.

[Joan Pedestrian]

But of course, he made a lot of iron man jokes and he loved that.

[Bret Morris]

Yeah. And I have a kind of a tramp stamp now. That looks like an iron.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Right.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Interesting.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Okay. Well, we got more out of that than we thought we were going to do.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

We really did. Thank you for listening. And we'll be back next week with an all new episode of the Neighborhood Listen. And it'll be our season finale.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Whoa. That went by fast.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

It really did. It really did.

[Joan Pedestrian]

What's the matter, babe?

[Bret Morris]

Oh, that makes me sad.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, makes Escrow sad, too. He's meowing away.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I don't know if we did enough of our runners. We barely talked about my twin brother.

[Joan Pedestrian]

We're going to listen. It's all going to happen in the season finale. You're the one who didn't listen. I can't get the information out of you when I asked three times and you just, you know, you sort of like basically shuff me, shuffle me off or slough me off, whatever you. You want to say. I'm not going to ask any more questions about it. I want you to come ready, come correct with information about?

[Paul F. Tompkins]

I have information. All you wanted, all you cared about was the incident.

[Joan Pedestrian]

No.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Or it's something that affects you, you know.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Oh, now, come on. This does. What are you talking about? This. This affects me just as much.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Joan. I feel like we've been very contentious this whole episode, and it's not like us. And I want to say I'm sorry.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Thank you for that.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

God damn it. All right, goodbye and bye.

[Joan Pedestrian]

All of the posts used in this episode, only some geographical specifics have been changed.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The Neighborhood Listen is hosted and produced by me, Paul F. Tompkins, and me,

[Bret Morris]

Nicole Parker, and me, Bret Morris.

[Joan Pedestrian]

This episode's guest was played by Mikayla Watkins.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

The Neighborhood Listen is a production of Comedy Bang Bang world.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Go to cbbworld.com to unlock the entire history of the show ad free, as well as brand new full length bonus room episodes exclusive to Maxima subscribers. Your support keeps the show.

[Kaven]

Hi, I am Mandy Moore.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Sterling K. Brown. And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast that Was Us now on Headgum.

[Joan Pedestrian]

Each episode we're gonna go into a deep dive from our show.

[Kaven]

This is us.

[Bret Morris]

That's right.

[Joan Pedestrian]

We're gonna go episode by episode.

[Kaven]

We're also gonna pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

Are we gonna cry? Yes, a little bit. Are we gonna laugh a lot?

[Kaven]

A whole lot.

[Paul F. Tompkins]

That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to. That was us on your favorite podcast. Episodes on YouTube or Spotify. New episodes every Tuesday.