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Paul F. Tompkins
That sound could mean a lot of things. And when something's going wrong at home, the hardest part can be figuring out
Bret Morris
what the problem actually is. At Thumbtack, you can upload a voice
Paul F. Tompkins
message or a photo, and our AI powered search will help diagnose your project. Plus, the pros we know have over 14 million five star reviews, so you can hire with confidence. Thumbtack we know homes Hire the right pro today. Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins.
Joan Pedestrian
And I'm Nicole Parker.
Paul F. Tompkins
On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website.
Joan Pedestrian
Occasionally, we change the names of some
Paul F. Tompkins
streets and that's all you need to know to support the show and unlock the ad free archive, as well as exclusive monthly episodes of the bonus room. Go to cbbworld.com and sign up for a Maximus membership.
Joan Pedestrian
And now, please enjoy this episode of the Neighborhood Listen.
Paul F. Tompkins
Knock, knock.
Joan Pedestrian
Who's there?
Paul F. Tompkins
Your neighbor.
Joan Pedestrian
Good Indignity Falls. You're never alone. You've got the neighbor half AV and us burnt and Joan. From coyotes to male theft to weird things to sell.
Paul F. Tompkins
We'll cover it all and meet new neighbors as well.
Joan Pedestrian
We'll chat about any posts you're missing, so just tune in to the Neighborhood Listen.
Paul F. Tompkins
Welcome once again to the Neighborhood Listen. This is the podcast that explores the neighborhood of Dignity Falls through the eyes of its residents, two of whom are your humble hosts. I am half of that equation. My name is Burnt Miyapede. I'm the pharmacist in chief at the Dignity Falls. Dignity fallsmassy Pharmacy. And with me, as always, is.
Joan Pedestrian
I really think we should shorten that name. You heard yourself just say it just now, right? It almost sounded like you said the same thing three times. It has that effect.
Paul F. Tompkins
I think that's the funniest.
Joan Pedestrian
It sounded like you say dignity. Falsemacy. Dignity. Falsemacy. Dignity. Falsemacy. Ooh, that's a good warm up.
Paul F. Tompkins
But I didn't.
Joan Pedestrian
That's right up there with Mitch McConnell's Milkshake Madness.
Paul F. Tompkins
Mitch McConnell's Milkshake Madness.
Joan Pedestrian
McConnell's Milkshake Madness. 1 of my favorites. As everyone knows. It's just short. I mean, we need to make sure.
Paul F. Tompkins
Tortured the turtle. Tortured the tardigrade.
Joan Pedestrian
Ooh, that's good.
Paul F. Tompkins
Is that a good one?
Joan Pedestrian
Tardigrades. Those are crazy. Doug loves tardigrades.
Paul F. Tompkins
The space animals.
Joan Pedestrian
You think they're so adorable.
Paul F. Tompkins
They're pretty cute.
Joan Pedestrian
They are pretty cute for a thing
Paul F. Tompkins
that doesn't have a face. Most things that are cute have faces. But that's just a cute monster.
Joan Pedestrian
It is a cute monster. A cute microscopic monster. I am Joan Pedestrian and I am the top realtor in Dignity Falls and top local actress.
Paul F. Tompkins
Do you know what I thought of another one for instead of saying amateur.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh, yeah.
Paul F. Tompkins
If you could say citizen actor, maybe. Well, you made a big face, so I guess that wasn't good.
Joan Pedestrian
I also paused. It was a one, two pause.
Paul F. Tompkins
Oh, the pause.
Kaven
Really?
Joan Pedestrian
I paused and I made a face.
Paul F. Tompkins
The pause. I shivered down my spine.
Joan Pedestrian
There's nothing. Citizen immediately sounds. What do I want to say? It sounds medical.
Paul F. Tompkins
Medical.
Joan Pedestrian
It sounds clinical. That's the word I'm looking for.
Paul F. Tompkins
Clinical.
Joan Pedestrian
You know what I mean? It sounds cold, Local. It sounds, you know, Friendly.
Paul F. Tompkins
Sure.
Joan Pedestrian
Family, neighborly.
Paul F. Tompkins
Yes.
Joan Pedestrian
Right.
Paul F. Tompkins
You know what? I withdraw.
Joan Pedestrian
Thank you. I'm glad you know what you did wrong? Sorry. I don't mean to reprimand you like that burn. Obviously, we know. It's the feminine overdrive talking.
Paul F. Tompkins
Yes.
Joan Pedestrian
Is that a T shirt?
Paul F. Tompkins
Feminine overdrive? I don't see why not.
Joan Pedestrian
I think that'd be a great. I think the answer is yes. I don't see why not. There's so many words, and now I just feel like I. I feel like, no, it's not a good idea. Is what you want to say to me what? I feel like it wasn't a good
Paul F. Tompkins
idea in your mind why I immediately said yes.
Joan Pedestrian
Okay. It was kind of like, you know what? It was the equivalent of you said, I don't know why not? How about just yes? Oh, I see. I'm just waiting for more direct communication. Bert, this is what I'm saying.
Paul F. Tompkins
Okay.
Joan Pedestrian
John, I have to do my. Don't make my brain do extra work.
Paul F. Tompkins
I'm not going to do that. I apologize.
Joan Pedestrian
Am I yelling?
Paul F. Tompkins
You are yelling.
Joan Pedestrian
I'm sorry. Okay. I'm sorry. But yes. Anyways, we mentioned Doug, so we should say hi to him. He's always.
Paul F. Tompkins
We don't want to have to be. It's Chekhov's Doug.
Joan Pedestrian
I'm trying.
Paul F. Tompkins
You mention him, you have to address him.
Bret Morris
I guess I'm.
Paul F. Tompkins
Oh, Doug. New sign on from Doug.
Joan Pedestrian
That was fun.
Bret Morris
Yeah. You like it?
Paul F. Tompkins
What inspired that?
Joan Pedestrian
Yeah. Did you just decide to go from a laugh right into your greeting?
Bret Morris
There was zero preparation for that.
Paul F. Tompkins
Wow.
Joan Pedestrian
I believe that.
Bret Morris
It just came out.
Joan Pedestrian
I absolutely believe that.
Paul F. Tompkins
Yeah. That's not surprising.
Joan Pedestrian
Yeah.
Bret Morris
I could even do a hi.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh, okay. Thanks for those. Could you do one more take, please?
Paul F. Tompkins
It's verging into Roger Rabbit territory.
Joan Pedestrian
Yeah.
Bret Morris
I don't want to go there or Woody Woodpecker.
Paul F. Tompkins
Woodpecker.
Joan Pedestrian
Wood Woodpecker. Who says it like that?
Paul F. Tompkins
It reminds me. It puts one in mind of Woody Woodcut.
Joan Pedestrian
Wooda Woodpecker, you, Honor. Woody Woodpecker's on the stand because he's an innocent maid.
Paul F. Tompkins
Your name is Wooda Woodpecker. Is that correct, sir? Reminder. You are under O. Boy, he sucked. Woody Woodpecker.
Joan Pedestrian
He did nothing for me as a kid.
Paul F. Tompkins
I remember I was always on the walrus's side.
Bret Morris
The only thing that sucked for me about Woody Woodpecker. Woody Woodpecker.
Joan Pedestrian
Yeah. You can't say it, babe. You can't say it normally. It's like Benedict Cumberbatch trying to say penguin. Do you remember that?
Bret Morris
Or you with rollercoaster.
Joan Pedestrian
Me with roller coaster.
Bret Morris
Yeah. You say Rola coaster.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh, that's true.
Bret Morris
Yeah.
Joan Pedestrian
Roller coaster.
Paul F. Tompkins
Roller coaster.
Bret Morris
But it's like how sucks about Woody Woodpecker is he was on at 6am was he? For me, he was.
Joan Pedestrian
Really?
Bret Morris
Yeah. So it's like the only way to catch him.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh, Doug, we have our own. We have. There's a random like meridian in Dignity Falls that has its own time zone.
Paul F. Tompkins
I hate that random meridian.
Joan Pedestrian
It's 16 minutes ahead of the rest of the town.
Paul F. Tompkins
Yes. Doesn't show up on most phones.
Joan Pedestrian
It doesn't show up on most phones because I remember specifically. Cause Woody Woodpecker came on at 6:16 in our house. But it came in at 6:00am in your house.
Bret Morris
Yeah, but I would get up. I would try to get up early as a kid for the Saturday morning cartoon, and I would always just pick up the end of Woody Woodpecker and it'd be pretty good.
Joan Pedestrian
You kind of said it. You said Woody Woodpecker.
Paul F. Tompkins
Oh, progress.
Joan Pedestrian
Good job, babe.
Paul F. Tompkins
Progress.
Joan Pedestrian
Doug is in the. Is in.
Paul F. Tompkins
Shepherd fairy. Should make a painting of you. Ooh. Having just finished saying Woody Woodpecker. And then it says progress.
Joan Pedestrian
Doug is in. He's on a theme right now. So we had. He was just building a human claw machine, right? And he's in the. He's in the life size pinball machine today.
Paul F. Tompkins
Oh, no. That sounds extremely dangerous.
Joan Pedestrian
It says that it's going to be like a big nerf ball. Why don't you explain it, babe?
Paul F. Tompkins
Now it sounds slow.
Bret Morris
It's going to be like a big nerf ball.
Joan Pedestrian
You don't always have to say what I say, babe. You don't have to. If I'm wrong, I was just picking
Bret Morris
up right there
Joan Pedestrian
because I don't know what's going on in there, outside the
Bret Morris
door is a huge, you know, pull. What do you call them?
Paul F. Tompkins
Pull tab, Plunger.
Bret Morris
Plunger.
Paul F. Tompkins
We don't call it pull tab.
Bret Morris
It's sort of a reverse plunger when you think about it. Because it's pushing something in.
Paul F. Tompkins
Well, I think plunger does not only refer to the toilet plunger. I think there's many things that could be called plungers.
Joan Pedestrian
Like what?
Paul F. Tompkins
Like the thing on a pinball machine.
Joan Pedestrian
Now, if that's your only answer, Bernd, then I think we're one and one.
Paul F. Tompkins
Should I look it up?
Joan Pedestrian
Please do. But you're right, babe. You make a very good point.
Bret Morris
What I want. What I really want to do with it. Spice Girls to be. What I really, really want is to be in the. In the ball.
Joan Pedestrian
I see. Oh, you want to do like a hamster ball.
Bret Morris
Yes.
Joan Pedestrian
That would be horrifying, babe.
Bret Morris
Well, you. I mean, it's thrilling, but I mean,
Paul F. Tompkins
it would shatter your skeleton, I think he said.
Joan Pedestrian
I say horrifying. He says thrilling. Let's call the holy ghost if you're in.
Bret Morris
Have you seen those? Those people play like soccer with those.
Joan Pedestrian
Yes, I have seen that.
Bret Morris
Human balls.
Paul F. Tompkins
Yeah, but that's not being like.
Joan Pedestrian
Let's not say human balls. Just a gigantic plastic inflatable.
Bret Morris
Gigantic.
Joan Pedestrian
We didn't say that. Yeah, let's just put the word like plastic. You know, they're balls for humans. They're balls that humans go in.
Bret Morris
Okay. Yeah, I'm not sure.
Paul F. Tompkins
Instead of come out of. Which is the normal way.
Joan Pedestrian
Yes.
Bret Morris
So the giant human ball will go through the shaft of the.
Joan Pedestrian
Boy, stop.
Kaven
Baby, you can.
Paul F. Tompkins
What is this?
Joan Pedestrian
You know what people do, like clips and put them online and that's what they're gonna. That's fabulous episode where we're gonna talk about many other things. That's what they're gonna take from it. Human balls coming down a shaft. All right, we're gonna come back to you. I'm gonna let you think through how you want to describe it. Okay.
Bret Morris
Bumpers. We know. I mean, it'll be like an Addams Family machine.
Paul F. Tompkins
Are you hoping.
Joan Pedestrian
Sorry. It's Addams Family themed.
Paul F. Tompkins
Well, that's an Addams Family pinball.
Bret Morris
That's the number one pinball machine of all time.
Joan Pedestrian
I didn't know that.
Bret Morris
Yeah.
Joan Pedestrian
Guys, I don't know anything about pinball machines.
Bret Morris
It's the most sought after.
Joan Pedestrian
It is Family One.
Paul F. Tompkins
The last one, the one everyone hates the most, is the Real Time with Bill Maher pinball machine.
Joan Pedestrian
Well, there was a 60 minutes one which we had in which you had at the tavern.
Paul F. Tompkins
Yeah. A plunger, a part of a device or mechanism that works with a plunging or thrusting movement.
Joan Pedestrian
Wow.
Bret Morris
Stand corrected.
Joan Pedestrian
Yep.
Paul F. Tompkins
Oh, so a person who gambles or spends money recklessly, by the way, Tardigrade.
Joan Pedestrian
Yes.
Bret Morris
Also.
Paul F. Tompkins
One second. The example is he is a plunger when it comes to spending money for news.
Joan Pedestrian
What? Your honor, Woody Woodpecker is a plunger.
Paul F. Tompkins
He's a bit of a.
Joan Pedestrian
And what he's been doing is he been plunging for the news.
Paul F. Tompkins
He. He loves to be. He's a very well informed boy.
Bret Morris
I feel like that goes into a rabbit hole where if you ever use that in a sentence in that way, you have to then define it for everyone because no one knows what you're talking about.
Paul F. Tompkins
Absolutely.
Joan Pedestrian
Yeah. That's not. It's not worth it. No, Just like saying, I don't know why not? You know what I mean?
Paul F. Tompkins
You're really holding onto that.
Joan Pedestrian
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I am.
Paul F. Tompkins
I thought it was a fun response.
Joan Pedestrian
It was kind of like making a joke. And you just went, that's funny.
Bret Morris
Moss Piggly.
Joan Pedestrian
That's what it felt like.
Paul F. Tompkins
Moss Piggly.
Bret Morris
Moss Piglet.
Paul F. Tompkins
What's that tardigrade nickname?
Bret Morris
It's a tardigrade nickname.
Paul F. Tompkins
Moss Piglet. Yeah.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh, okay.
Bret Morris
Isn't that sweet?
Joan Pedestrian
I guess it's sweet.
Paul F. Tompkins
I guess it's sweet.
Joan Pedestrian
It sounds like a Star Wars. It sounds like a Star wars character.
Paul F. Tompkins
It does.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh, boy. How are you doing? How are you doing? We've done a lot of. We've done a lot of Star wars voices this year.
Paul F. Tompkins
We truly have solo igajato solo.
Joan Pedestrian
Fuck you most biglet. Go yourself.
Paul F. Tompkins
You most.
Joan Pedestrian
Sometimes I like to do heated rivalry because all they do is tell each other to off.
Paul F. Tompkins
Now, Jon, I was very excited because, you know, I finally watched all of heated rivalry.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh, you did.
Paul F. Tompkins
And I was. I was. Oh, well, now you remember this with you.
Joan Pedestrian
Yes, yes.
Paul F. Tompkins
And I said, you know, episode five. I said, the second to last episode.
Joan Pedestrian
If anyone doesn't want to have it spoiled, turn it off now.
Paul F. Tompkins
Really, really amazing episode. And then. And you said second. Second to last. Cause you described.
Joan Pedestrian
He said the second. We can talk about it because I just gave a spoiler alert. Yes, the second to the last. He says. He just texts me. Oh, when he says I'm coming to the. When they run down and kiss each other on the ice skating.
Paul F. Tompkins
Yes, the other characters, we see their story because they win a big game. And then he invites his boyfriend to come down onto the ice with him, and it's a huge thing. And then separately, the heated rivals are watching this on television. And then they have this wonderful moment at the end where it's like we're gonna get together. And then that's when I found out that you didn't realize there was another episode.
Joan Pedestrian
Nope. I still haven't seen it.
Paul F. Tompkins
You still haven't seen it?
Joan Pedestrian
I forgot about it until this moment. It's absolutely true.
Bret Morris
Are you saving it? But you.
Paul F. Tompkins
So you got to.
Joan Pedestrian
I thought it was a great ending.
Paul F. Tompkins
You got to the same last time.
Joan Pedestrian
I thought it was a great ending.
Paul F. Tompkins
That is that. Well done. You stuck the landing.
Joan Pedestrian
Weird that Episode nine. It ended on episode nine. That's weird. Episode seven. It didn't even occur to me because it was a pretty great. I thought it was a great ending.
Paul F. Tompkins
Great ending.
Joan Pedestrian
Yeah. We can't talk about it then, because I gotta go watch it and then we'll have to talk about it.
Paul F. Tompkins
You do have to watch.
Joan Pedestrian
I can't believe that's never happened in my life. You know, normally Netflix can't wait to. Or whoever it is can't wait to, like, shove the next episode down your throat.
Paul F. Tompkins
That's true.
Joan Pedestrian
And it didn't. That didn't happen. Escrow, calm down.
Paul F. Tompkins
Why is Escrow barking now?
Joan Pedestrian
Escrow's barking. Escrow's barking because he thinks he's a cat. He's actually meowing. I took him to a dog psychologist.
Paul F. Tompkins
How can you tell?
Joan Pedestrian
I took him to a dog psychologist and he talked to him for a little bit. He's just put his hand on his paw, put his head against his head, and he was like, oh, I get it. He thinks he's a cat.
Paul F. Tompkins
And so this was a dog psychologist.
Joan Pedestrian
It was, yeah.
Paul F. Tompkins
He sounds like a dog psychic to me.
Joan Pedestrian
No, that's different. I've also taken him to a psychic. He thinks he's. He thinks he's Mitzi Gaynor reincarnated. Yes. So he's got a lot going on in his brain.
Paul F. Tompkins
Imagine being reincarnated. First of all, you're. You're. You're an entertainer.
Joan Pedestrian
Yes.
Paul F. Tompkins
You're a triple threat.
Joan Pedestrian
An underappreciated.
Paul F. Tompkins
You're a triple threat.
Joan Pedestrian
You can do it. Underappreciated one.
Paul F. Tompkins
And then you're reincarnated as a dog. And then you live way past the time when you should die again.
Joan Pedestrian
Yes.
Paul F. Tompkins
And now you're in this decrepit body.
Joan Pedestrian
I. I honestly think that he seems happier now. So those aren't like, unhappy barks. So he's. He's letting his. He's.
Bret Morris
He's.
Joan Pedestrian
He's being. He's letting his cat voice fly.
Paul F. Tompkins
Sure.
Joan Pedestrian
Speaking of letting voices fly, what if
Paul F. Tompkins
you just said, speaking of letting. Let me talk now. I. I cannot wait to use that in a conversation of letting. Let me talk.
Joan Pedestrian
We practice leading in this marriage. I have. I've made a lot of progress on my musical. On Something's Gotta Give the Musical, which is the new thing I'm working on that's gonna be at the playhouse. They're letting me do that. Nancy Meyers, the world premiere of Something's Gotta Give the Musical. Nancy Myers. Yes.
Bret Morris
Mitch McNutt might actually like it. Cause there's turtlenecks involved.
Joan Pedestrian
That's true.
Bret Morris
Boy.
Paul F. Tompkins
That's true.
Joan Pedestrian
I know, but we don't want to talk. It's been. We. I don't. I think we've managed to not speak his name this entire season. I could be wrong. Please don't spit.
Paul F. Tompkins
I spit into a cup. I just hate him.
Joan Pedestrian
Mitch McNutt, of course, is the. Is my. Is my arch nemesis. He's the critic who never can say a nice thing about me in the papers and goes out of his way
Paul F. Tompkins
to say mean things.
Joan Pedestrian
He goes out of his way to say mean things. That's right. Sent me dead flowers at the premiere of my last show.
Paul F. Tompkins
That's right.
Joan Pedestrian
But I have. I have the beginning song. Well, a little bit of it. Can I try it out for you?
Paul F. Tompkins
Yes. And again, this is not the song Something's Got to Give, which is an established song.
Joan Pedestrian
It is called Something's Gotta Give. But it's not that song.
Paul F. Tompkins
It's not that song.
Joan Pedestrian
That's right. Like, you know, when they do the Back to the Future, the musical, like. And if they don't use the song
Paul F. Tompkins
Back to the Future,
Joan Pedestrian
There are words. Did you not realize it? Back to the Future. We will. It has lyrics. It has words to it.
Paul F. Tompkins
What is that music? Is that the song that's the theme?
Joan Pedestrian
Yes.
Paul F. Tompkins
Who remembers that? Who composed that?
Joan Pedestrian
Maybe Alan Silvestry. I don't know. He wrote it. The Game of Thrones Silvestri. It is Sylvester Silvestri. Okay. All right.
Paul F. Tompkins
But I don't know.
Joan Pedestrian
No, that's.
Paul F. Tompkins
I know one. I know of one. Silvestri.
Joan Pedestrian
Okay.
Paul F. Tompkins
Who's a comedian named Max Silvestri.
Joan Pedestrian
All right, well, I'm letting you have.
Paul F. Tompkins
That's the only Silvestri I've ever heard out loud.
Joan Pedestrian
Anyways, it doesn't matter. Do you want to hear it or not?
Paul F. Tompkins
I do want to hear it.
Joan Pedestrian
Okay. This is a real.
Paul F. Tompkins
Wait.
Bret Morris
Ask me again.
Paul F. Tompkins
Do you want to hear it 1000% I do.
Joan Pedestrian
What'd you say, babe?
Bret Morris
I don't see why not.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh, yeah, that's. Are you trying to be. You trying to get on my bad side?
Paul F. Tompkins
Babe, what are you doing? You're stirring the pot.
Joan Pedestrian
That's not. You're not practicing lighting, babe. You're not practicing to pop.
Paul F. Tompkins
Yeah, you're starting to pop. Doug.
Bret Morris
I've always been afraid of this.
Paul F. Tompkins
You're really catching on.
Joan Pedestrian
He really has. Actually, that's not what he said, babe.
Paul F. Tompkins
I think it's good you hide the pops.
Joan Pedestrian
Doug learned about spontaneous combustion, and he's constantly worried about it.
Kaven
Oh.
Paul F. Tompkins
When I was a kid. Can you imagine reading that about that in the Book of Lists?
Joan Pedestrian
In the Book of Lists?
Paul F. Tompkins
Yes.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh, are you not familiar? No.
Paul F. Tompkins
When I was a kid, it was on the. It was on the toilet tank of every family in the neighborhood. It was a very. It was. It was literally a book of various lists of things.
Joan Pedestrian
No, I didn't know that. I just felt like jokes or like history facts were always in there.
Paul F. Tompkins
Oh, sure.
Joan Pedestrian
In my house.
Paul F. Tompkins
Sure, sure, sure.
Joan Pedestrian
But I replaced it with Donnie McKechnie's biography.
Paul F. Tompkins
Who is that?
Joan Pedestrian
I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that, Bernie.
Paul F. Tompkins
Okay, now pretend somebody else said it and then answer them.
Joan Pedestrian
I'm gonna pretend you didn't say it, and I'm gonna answer it to everybody else who was wondering. She is the original Cassie from A Chorus Line. Okay. God, I'm a dancer. Come on. Anything ringing any bells? Most amazing dance sequence in the middle of a song. Belting her ass off is a marathon. It's a tour de force. Do yourself a favor, everybody, and go watch the video of any Cassie doing that dance. And what the music in the mirror
Paul F. Tompkins
is what it's called the music in the mirror.
Joan Pedestrian
That's all I ever needed was a music and a mirror. You can't say R. You can't. You can't. You have to open it up at the end. That's right.
Paul F. Tompkins
Mirror. Your Honor. Your honor, all my client ever needed was the music and the mirror.
Joan Pedestrian
Just let him dance for you, all right?
Paul F. Tompkins
God, I hope I can.
Joan Pedestrian
Sustained. But watch yourself.
Paul F. Tompkins
How many do they need?
Bret Morris
Wood.
Paul F. Tompkins
A woodpecker. Wood. Wood.
Joan Pedestrian
Yeah.
Paul F. Tompkins
Just bringing it back home. Thanks, Doug. In case you forgot, that's how we started on this.
Kaven
All right.
Bret Morris
I'd like to hear the song.
Joan Pedestrian
Thanks, babe.
Bret Morris
Good.
Joan Pedestrian
All right, so here it goes. I'm again. I want you to realize I'm being brave because it's not fully done.
Paul F. Tompkins
Joan, I'm never not aware of you being brave. You're one of the bravest people I know really? Well. To get up on stage, it's terrifying.
Joan Pedestrian
It is terrifying sometimes, even for me after all this time. Okay, here we go. I don't know if it's going to be piano.
Paul F. Tompkins
No, I won't.
Bret Morris
Do you need a.
Joan Pedestrian
Like a. Nope. That doesn't help.
Paul F. Tompkins
What an interesting beginning to a song.
Bret Morris
It's almost like a drum fill.
Paul F. Tompkins
Oh, is there any video of someone performing Cassie where they. They trip and fall and then somebody puts in the music in the air tonight?
Joan Pedestrian
Phil Collins. I knew you were gonna ask about that. All right. No. Okay. Waking up another day Stuck in middle
Kaven
age
Joan Pedestrian
I'm filled with so much rage when will I get out of this stage?
Paul F. Tompkins
What did you just say? I said, oh, boy. This is great.
Joan Pedestrian
Burnt.
Paul F. Tompkins
I'm loving this.
Joan Pedestrian
Listen, I know it's repetitive. I know it turns out repetitive.
Paul F. Tompkins
Double meaning.
Joan Pedestrian
Thank you.
Paul F. Tompkins
Wait, why did you say double meaning?
Bret Morris
Guys, when will I get off the stage?
Paul F. Tompkins
Oh, but you said out of the stage.
Bret Morris
Out of the stage?
Joan Pedestrian
Yes. As in like the stage.
Bret Morris
Maybe the stage.
Paul F. Tompkins
I don't want to go down, guys.
Joan Pedestrian
It's already ruined. Okay, Let me just get back into character.
Paul F. Tompkins
Okay? Sorry. Hey, Bobby, what are you doing?
Joan Pedestrian
It's all been a pack of lies. Something's gotta change I just want to live Something's gotta go Something's gotta give Right. That's the. That's what gets us going. That's the vibe.
Paul F. Tompkins
Yes.
Joan Pedestrian
I didn't warm up.
Paul F. Tompkins
Does it start. Does. Does it start cold with that song?
Joan Pedestrian
Yeah. She does wake up in the morning.
Paul F. Tompkins
She wakes up and then she keeps. Maybe I'll put that in.
Joan Pedestrian
Listen, if that's gonna go viral, maybe I'll put it in.
Paul F. Tompkins
I mean, this could be your.
Joan Pedestrian
That's right.
Bret Morris
That was beautiful.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh, thanks. I appreciate that.
Bret Morris
Oh, you too, Burke. Thank you.
Paul F. Tompkins
Your voice is really coming along for doing the. The Wicked War cry.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh, I see.
Paul F. Tompkins
I'm assuming. Correct me if I'm wrong.
Bret Morris
Absolutely. It's really coming along.
Paul F. Tompkins
Absolutely.
Bret Morris
Absolutely.
Joan Pedestrian
So, yeah, I. You know, I. That's how it's going to begin. I just want it to be.
Paul F. Tompkins
Does it all take place in one luxurious kitchen or are there many luxurious kitchens?
Joan Pedestrian
It's going to be a turntable. And so it's going to just be. It's going to be her bedroom. It's going to be in three quadrants. I know that doesn't make sense. Three quadrants. I know that doesn't make sense, but there's no other way to say it. Thwadrant.
Paul F. Tompkins
So there's four halves?
Joan Pedestrian
Not really. There's only three sections, but they are. We refer to them as quadrants. Again, I don't wanna explain it. It's like a set. It's like set building stuff. And so it's gonna be one. It's gonna have the bedroom, one's gonna have the kitchen, and then the other one is gonna be a dream space.
Paul F. Tompkins
Dream space. What happens in the dream space?
Joan Pedestrian
That's when we go into people's minds and their thoughts and their subconscious. That's where we're gonna do, like, the ballet.
Paul F. Tompkins
Wow.
Joan Pedestrian
That's where I'm gonna do the pot de. The pas de deux. Do you know what pas de deux.
Paul F. Tompkins
Potted what?
Joan Pedestrian
Pas de deux is a French term for a little duet that is danced by two people.
Paul F. Tompkins
Fun.
Joan Pedestrian
I'm not sure you think it is fun.
Bret Morris
What?
Paul F. Tompkins
Joan, why are you doubting me so much?
Joan Pedestrian
But did you see how your voice went down?
Paul F. Tompkins
Like I was declaring, that is fun.
Joan Pedestrian
What if I said to you, happy birthday? How does that make you feel? Do you feel like I'm celebrating?
Bret Morris
You also.
Paul F. Tompkins
You also made a face,
Joan Pedestrian
but you could, even if it was, if there wasn't a face. Okay, I won't do a face. I won't do a face. I feel all put on the spot now. Because you tried to do, like, a. Gotcha. Because I made a face. Babe, what is that?
Paul F. Tompkins
You're in the. Okay, you're inside now.
Bret Morris
Sorry, I'm just messing with some.
Joan Pedestrian
You playing with the flap? The flippers? Is that what you call them? The flippers?
Bret Morris
Flippers, yeah. Messing with the mechanics.
Paul F. Tompkins
What are the parts of play ball Machine? Flippers. Bumpers.
Bret Morris
Flippers. Bumpers. Plunger. You got the bump lights.
Paul F. Tompkins
Oh, of course.
Bret Morris
You got the paddles.
Paul F. Tompkins
Wouldn't be the same without it.
Joan Pedestrian
Wouldn't. Wouldn't be the game.
Bret Morris
Tunnels.
Paul F. Tompkins
Tunnels?
Bret Morris
Yeah.
Paul F. Tompkins
Oh, yeah. Sometimes there are little tunnels.
Joan Pedestrian
Gutters. Did he call them gutters? Along the side.
Bret Morris
You could.
Joan Pedestrian
Okay.
Paul F. Tompkins
I wouldn't.
Joan Pedestrian
We know you wouldn't.
Paul F. Tompkins
You call it anything. I wouldn't call it.
Bret Morris
You got characters.
Paul F. Tompkins
You got characters.
Bret Morris
Yeah.
Paul F. Tompkins
Are you gonna have, like, sound clips?
Bret Morris
Ooh, that's a good idea.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh, that's fun. That's what I loved about the 60 minutes one. Because when you got it in there.
Paul F. Tompkins
Did I say thank you correctly?
Joan Pedestrian
You did, because you were talking to a man.
Paul F. Tompkins
Joe, you're really coming at me.
Joan Pedestrian
I'm Sorry, I'm just really. I'm having one of those overdrive days. I'm sorry. What I was gonna say is that I really did love the sound bites on 60 minutes. Cause if you put it in the Andy Roona hole, it was like, why are these holes so big?
Bret Morris
I think it'd be cool since it's human sized. If you go into one of those, you know, when the ball gets caught, sinks in. Suddenly you're in a room and there's a person in there.
Paul F. Tompkins
Oh, so there's levels underneath.
Joan Pedestrian
Not a real person, though. Like an animatronic person. How are you going to staff? How is this going to be going on inside my house? I thought you were going to arrive to be doing their job. Nine to five in the pinball machine.
Kaven
Sure.
Paul F. Tompkins
Yeah. This one is.
Bret Morris
Sure.
Joan Pedestrian
Yeah. I'm sorry, Bert. Hang on a second.
Bret Morris
It could be Chris Hansen. Like, why don't you have a seat?
Paul F. Tompkins
Oh, no, that's terrible. You think you're having fun and then all of a sudden, because you're not
Joan Pedestrian
even trying to catch a predator pinball machine.
Bret Morris
Yeah, that would be no something, wouldn't it?
Joan Pedestrian
I mean, that's terrible. I don't even know what that means.
Paul F. Tompkins
But you're not even in control. You're in the ball.
Joan Pedestrian
That's what I want to know. How are you playing with the flippers when you're in the ball? You're just at the mercy of someone else.
Paul F. Tompkins
This is.
Bret Morris
Someone else has to flip you.
Joan Pedestrian
Flip you.
Bret Morris
Yeah, it's kind of a three person, three, four person thing.
Joan Pedestrian
I think this is the last, like, human family game you should do. Okay, let's go back to things like linen closet.
Bret Morris
It's a family activity.
Joan Pedestrian
Yeah, but you can't let the boys in there because they will absolutely wreak havoc on it and they'll. I'm afraid someone's gonna get hurt.
Bret Morris
Well, I'm worried that they're gonna mark their territory over anything.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh, I'm sure they will. They'll probably mark their territory inside the human ball. I'm talking now.
Bret Morris
You said human ball. So that was me.
Paul F. Tompkins
Said human ball.
Joan Pedestrian
You know what? I got to the part of human, and then I didn't have anything else for ball. And that's true. That's what happened. So you know what? Joke's on me. I admit it. I admit it. I'm talking, of course, about my twin boys, Matt and Academia Joe. And Academia Joe. And boy, he never lived up to that name. I'll tell you what, I had high
Paul F. Tompkins
hopes you thought that it would be nominative determinism.
Joan Pedestrian
I did think so, yes. Do you have anything to share? Burnt. Because I feel like me and Doug had been talking this whole time. And I am sorry for that. There's been a lot of nonsense.
Paul F. Tompkins
No, that's quite all right. I don't have a lot to share.
Joan Pedestrian
There's not much going on now that Gabby and you are back together. Are you fin. Meaning just in the same place. You know, the incident's over. Have you set a date for your wedding?
Paul F. Tompkins
We have not yet. Because now that my long lost twin brother has turned up.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh yeah, you mean turnt up.
Paul F. Tompkins
I forgot that you haven't really. You both did. You really haven't asked me anything about it.
Joan Pedestrian
Well, you know what? Because the last time I tried to ask you about it, you once again did that thing react like what? It's not a big deal. Even though it's a stunning revelation. So I'd love for you to share anything about that.
Bret Morris
Male friends don't know anything about each other.
Paul F. Tompkins
That's very true.
Joan Pedestrian
I'm so tired of that. Why can't you guys just talk to each other?
Paul F. Tompkins
Because of the loneliness epidemic.
Joan Pedestrian
No, I don't want to hear uninteresting.
Paul F. Tompkins
It's uninteresting. I don't care about my friends lives. Why should I? And why should they care about mine?
Joan Pedestrian
Oh, that is bleak.
Paul F. Tompkins
Just the way men are, Joan.
Joan Pedestrian
You know, until maybe someone encourages them to be different, you know?
Paul F. Tompkins
Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I remember my dad trying to ask me a question once and it was weird.
Joan Pedestrian
Do you remember what the question was?
Paul F. Tompkins
Said how was school today?
Joan Pedestrian
Oh my gosh. And he had trouble asking you that.
Paul F. Tompkins
Yeah, it was. It was hard for him. It was hard for me to hear.
Joan Pedestrian
I don't. I'll never understand this because the previous.
Paul F. Tompkins
The previous question was where do you go to school?
Joan Pedestrian
You mean like when you're a kid? He asked you.
Paul F. Tompkins
My dad asked me, where do you go to school?
Joan Pedestrian
God, I'm so tired of this. I'm so tired of dads not knowing. Now that's not true. It's not all dads, but I'm tired of them. You'll see these things where it's like they don't know the name of their kids school or the doctors or anything like that. And Doug doesn't know that. He knows the doctor. He only knows the doctor of the boys. Dermatologist. That's it.
Paul F. Tompkins
And why were they Dr. Stalactite. Yeah.
Bret Morris
Yeah, it's easy to remember.
Paul F. Tompkins
He's the one that holds tight to the highest floor of the medical building.
Bret Morris
Right. Not the lowest.
Paul F. Tompkins
No, his office. All the way up to the office. Pediatric dermatologist.
Joan Pedestrian
And he built. He built. You know, he built it to look like a cave and to make it fun. You know, he didn't want anyone to get all scared going to the dermatologist.
Paul F. Tompkins
It's funny because the other medical professionals in that building were not on board with the cave aesthetic.
Joan Pedestrian
They were not. And they wanted him to go in the. In the basement.
Paul F. Tompkins
Yeah, but that would. That would be Dr. Select Mike.
Bret Morris
That's right.
Paul F. Tompkins
No. What is it again? So I might.
Joan Pedestrian
Might be.
Paul F. Tompkins
I hate that.
Bret Morris
Lefty loosey. Righty.
Paul F. Tompkins
They hold the slag tight.
Joan Pedestrian
Lefty Lucy had nothing to do with this. But I know you think she encouraged Woody Woodpecker to do that. She was an enabler.
Paul F. Tompkins
Would you say she stalag tight do that? Or Stalag might do that.
Bret Morris
I like the cave. I think, kids.
Paul F. Tompkins
It's very peaceful in there. I like the dripping.
Bret Morris
You walk in and you have to wonder where the doctor is.
Paul F. Tompkins
You simply have to.
Bret Morris
And you just go hear him echoing in the back.
Joan Pedestrian
Yeah, that's right.
Paul F. Tompkins
There's a reflecting pool in there where they have somebody underneath who pretends to be like a sort of seer.
Joan Pedestrian
That is a crazy job. Yeah.
Paul F. Tompkins
It's like a plexiglass bottom. And then there's water in there. Somebody has to pop. They have to. They have to time it just right.
Joan Pedestrian
Apparently it's a great. Apparently get great insurance. Apparently, it's a great job. People fight for that job like it's a big deal. Yeah.
Bret Morris
Yeah.
Joan Pedestrian
Babe. How long have we been talking? Because it feels like longer than our 23 minutes.
Paul F. Tompkins
It does Feels like forever.
Joan Pedestrian
I'm sorry. Forever.
Paul F. Tompkins
I'm not blaming you. You know what?
Bret Morris
You're.
Paul F. Tompkins
I'm part of this too.
Bret Morris
Joe 34.
Joan Pedestrian
No way. That's bad. My song.
Bret Morris
It was too long, give or take.
Paul F. Tompkins
I think maybe I thought this.
Joan Pedestrian
Do you know or do you not?
Bret Morris
Well, because we had to pause for a couple hours.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh. Oh, that's right.
Bret Morris
Might be.
Joan Pedestrian
That's right.
Bret Morris
You know, a few minutes, give or take.
Joan Pedestrian
We had three hours in between for we. We got in 39 seconds and then we paused for two hours.
Paul F. Tompkins
We said, let's have some phone time. Looked at our phone for three hours.
Joan Pedestrian
All right, well, we should go to a break and bring our guest in.
Paul F. Tompkins
We'll be back with the neighbor listen. When the neighbor listen comes back after the break. Hi, I'm Beck Bennett. I thought I was Beck Bennett. No, no, no, no, it's Kyle Mooney. Sorry about that.
Bret Morris
Exactly.
Paul F. Tompkins
No, all good.
Bret Morris
All good.
Kaven
Thanks, buddy.
Bret Morris
Yeah.
Paul F. Tompkins
And we host the show what's here on Headgum. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and make you look like a kick ass person online. Like you're skateboarding through the Internet or you're like you're surfing through the web. Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand and get paid all in one place. I like that it's all in one place. I don't, I like that I don't have to go around, you know, like different stores or something. It's just all, it's like, oh, do I need to go to like, do I need another type of website to like find the right pictures or to like another type of website to upload? You know, it's all in one place. The video or audio or like. No, I want it makes it easy. Make it easy on me, please. Yes. And you can do all those things. Photos, videos, changing fonts, you know, I mean, the designs are amazing. They're catering to all your different needs. Their SEO tools, which. I know what those are. And their custom domains. Oh, let's come up with a domain right now.
Kaven
Let's see.
Paul F. Tompkins
I wonder if it exists. Www.friendsmeetingfriends friendsmeetingfriends.com that's an original thing that we came up with. Friends meeting friends. Anyway, so check out squarespace.comedgum for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code HEADGUM. Save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell, sounds easy. Anybody could do it.
Joan Pedestrian
When it's time to scale your business, it's time for Shopify. Get everything you need to grow the way you want. Like all the way. Stack more sales with the best converting checkout on the planet. Track your cha chings from every channel right in one spot. And turn real time reporting into big time opportunities. Take your business to a whole new level. Switch to Shopify. Start your free trial today.
Paul F. Tompkins
You can never have too many tools. Shop Dewalt Deals and Lowe's. Get a free select Dewalt 20 volt max power tool when you buy a select 20 volt max 5amp hour battery kit. Plus get a free additional Dewalt 20 volt max 8amp hour battery when you buy a Dewalt 10 inch 20 volt max dual bevel compounded miter saw. Our best lineup is here at Lowe's, valid through 624 while supplies last. Selection varies by location. This is Mill Dog. $13. Pretty good price for a do. The size can be seen in pictures. Pick up, only used once. Wash once. Now what that means is this dog was used once and you will have to wash it once. Now, the size can be seen in pictures. Look at that picture. As you can see, this dog is wearing a little sort of tracksuit for dogs. And you may say, mill, you're advertising
Bret Morris
this as a dog.
Paul F. Tompkins
There's no dog in that photo. Now did I mention it's an invisible dog? Now, $13 seems like nothing to have an invisible dog that I put clothes on so you can find him. You're thinking. You're thinking to yourself, I'm gonna ask Mill this and then you're gonna ask me, Mil, did you mean to say dog outfit instead of just dog? The answer is no. I am selling you an invisible dog for $13. Now this dog is not only invisible, he weighs nothing. He doesn't make a sound. And you can roll him up. You can even put this dog on another visible dog if you wanted to. And he wouldn't complain because he loves dogs too. Just like me and you, if you're listening. So don't blow this. This is an invisible dog. You're going to be able to say as you walk it around town or drape it over your arm, this, this is my dog. He's invisible. And you don't need to tell people where you bought it from. Let's keep this. Let's keep this honorable. You don't need to say that a guy named Mill sold you what looks to the naked eye as a outfit for a dog and called it a dog. You just gotta say, you don't understand. This dog is invisible. He's lightweight, he's malleable, and he's my best friend. $13. Invisible dog. And welcome back to the neighborhood. Listen well, Joan. We have a guest. Yes, as we do every week. We call them the neighborhap, the social networking application for neighborhoods. We look for interesting neighbors to talk to. Maybe somebody has a question they need a message ampl. Maybe someone has to answer for something. And if you see a post that you think we should cover, why don't you screenshot it and send it to us@burtonandjoanmail.com just like listener Ryan Kirkpatrick did. Thank you. Ryan for submitting this. This was posted in the crime and safety section by Kevin. Suspicious behavior is Kevin's headline. I saw my next door neighbor drive up to their house, open the garage door from inside the vehicle and drive in and the door closed behind them. It was last night around 5:30pm did anyone else see this? Typically they park in the driveway, but last night parked in the garage. I have made a report but want to keep others on the lookout for this type of behavior. It just makes me nervous for this to be happening in my neighborhood. Vehicle one type truck. Here to talk to us more about this is Kevin. Kevin, welcome to the neighborhood.
Joan Pedestrian
Listen, thanks for being here.
Kaven
I just. You're saying my name wrong, but.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh, I'm sorry. What is it? What is it?
Kaven
It. It's Kaven.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh, Cavan. I'm sorry. I've never heard that pronunciation.
Kaven
Do I look like it? Kevin?
Joan Pedestrian
No, you're beautiful.
Paul F. Tompkins
No, you don't. You're gorgeous.
Joan Pedestrian
You're a beautiful lady.
Paul F. Tompkins
No, you're stunning.
Kaven
Thank you.
Joan Pedestrian
I just had Slay Queen.
Kaven
Thank you. I just had my bangs. My bangs. Molded.
Paul F. Tompkins
Molded.
Joan Pedestrian
Molded. What's that?
Kaven
It's when you take a bang. It's when you. What is happening over there?
Joan Pedestrian
Nothing. Sorry. Escrow knocked over a candlestick and it's way too big.
Paul F. Tompkins
Joan's dog is very elderly.
Joan Pedestrian
Yeah, sorry about that.
Kaven
Why do you have candlesticks? What do you want?
Joan Pedestrian
Well, there's nothing wrong with Caven. All right, hang on a second. First of all, let's get back to what molded bangs are.
Kaven
Don't take my eye off your candlesticks. I know what's happening here. You guys are some kind. You're having some kind of sex party.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Paul F. Tompkins
Caven, Cavan, you are welcome to look at this dog. Wander around and knock over household items.
Joan Pedestrian
You can.
Paul F. Tompkins
But in the meantime, we would. And you can continue to do that while we ask you what are multiple molded bangs?
Kaven
Okay. Molded bangs is when you get you with the. This is true. A lot of people don't, like, sing
Joan Pedestrian
your song, Joe, right?
Kaven
Oh, I'm so mad at you for getting that part. I'm so mad at you for getting that part.
Paul F. Tompkins
You wrote this show.
Kaven
I don't care. You should have opened it up to.
Joan Pedestrian
I mean, I made it very clear there's still going to be other auditions.
Kaven
I don't want the other parts. I want the.
Joan Pedestrian
There's some other great parts.
Kaven
I want to be there.
Paul F. Tompkins
Are you also local actor Kaven?
Kaven
I know. I do everything I can I can. I just want to be seen. Anyway, my bangs, they're hard to maintain. So if you find a look you like, in this case, split down the middle and press to.
Joan Pedestrian
Yes. It's very brown. It's very.
Kaven
I get them molded.
Paul F. Tompkins
It looks secure.
Kaven
It's almost like a shellac.
Joan Pedestrian
That's a good word for it.
Kaven
Secure.
Joan Pedestrian
They definitely aren't moving.
Paul F. Tompkins
What is it that makes your bang so unruly?
Kaven
Well, all bangs are unruly. But I'm a natural curl curly haired lady, and it's something I've fought all my life. But I tell you, when I got the idea to mold them is I was playing with my nephew's LEGO set and you can change the hair and I thought I should do that.
Paul F. Tompkins
Absolutely.
Joan Pedestrian
Lego hair. It does look like Lego hair helmet
Kaven
of hair that I can replace.
Joan Pedestrian
Is it painful?
Kaven
Yes.
Joan Pedestrian
Okay. Because it looks like it's really pressing into your temples.
Kaven
It is. I have incredible migraine.
Paul F. Tompkins
What do you say? You can replace it. What does that mean? Get a different hairstyle?
Kaven
Well, I mean, I'm just saying when I'm ready to move on to something different.
Joan Pedestrian
How do you get it off if you're wanting to change it?
Kaven
This is a shave situation.
Joan Pedestrian
A shave?
Kaven
Yeah.
Joan Pedestrian
Really?
Kaven
When you get them molded, they don't move.
Joan Pedestrian
Yeah.
Kaven
If it grows, your hair gets taller, but not longer.
Paul F. Tompkins
Oh, wow.
Kaven
It goes up.
Joan Pedestrian
It goes up. I see.
Kaven
Yeah.
Paul F. Tompkins
Okay, now, you don't want to go with curly bangs like somebody who sings a song in an old saloon.
Joan Pedestrian
Okay.
Paul F. Tompkins
Wow.
Joan Pedestrian
Listen, don't throw things at us. Okay. Don't throw things at us.
Paul F. Tompkins
Almost hit me.
Joan Pedestrian
I know. These are coasters and they're meant for glasses, not for throwing. Okay.
Kaven
Curly bangs. I should just.
Joan Pedestrian
Well, then let's. You know what? No, no, please stay here. Because I want to know, Kevin, why I'm going to say. Oh, lookit. I'll just speak for myself. When I get to my house, I pull in my driveway and sometimes. Okay, I know that bothers you, but.
Kaven
No, no, keep going. I'm listening.
Joan Pedestrian
Pull in my driveway and sometimes I lock the car and go into the front door. Sometimes, if I want to, I pull into the garage and I close the door and I go into my house. Those are two options that many people do every day.
Paul F. Tompkins
Absolutely.
Joan Pedestrian
What bothers you about this?
Kaven
Do you want.
Joan Pedestrian
I'm not asking for a parade. What I'm trying to find out, Kavan, is why you found it suspicious that a person who lived in their own home would drive into their garage.
Kaven
Well, you're forgetting something important. You said sometime. Okay, that's the operative word. Sometimes you do this, sometimes you do that. I don't care what you do.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh, okay. I don't care.
Kaven
Cause you said sometimes you're all over the map.
Paul F. Tompkins
Sounds like a male friendship.
Joan Pedestrian
Okay, well, I didn't mean for this to be an indictment on my habits and sort of, you know, an exploration into my personal day.
Kaven
I'm just saying, when I see my neighbor who has never. I mean, first of all, how did they even get the garage door open from inside?
Joan Pedestrian
Oh, now, Caven, you use a remote control. Surely you have a remote control for your garage door.
Kaven
No.
Joan Pedestrian
In the car.
Kaven
I've never once seen a remote control for something that's inside your car. Unless, I mean, who has a remote control inside a car?
Paul F. Tompkins
I think a lot of people do.
Joan Pedestrian
A lot of people do. Yeah. It's very common news.
Kaven
I. This is the thing. I would believe you if I didn't. If. If I felt like it, but I don't.
Paul F. Tompkins
Okay.
Joan Pedestrian
Okay.
Kaven
And here's why.
Joan Pedestrian
And here's why.
Kaven
This person, this neighbor who go unmentioned. Because I don't want to get sued for defamation. But this person has never imagined. Ever. Ever.
Paul F. Tompkins
That's where they. They, they. You go into court and they say, they have deformed me.
Kaven
Yes. Is it?
Paul F. Tompkins
They have deformed me in the public eye.
Kaven
I don't.
Joan Pedestrian
Of course. Deformation.
Paul F. Tompkins
This is deformation.
Kaven
Yes. If I'm saying it incorrectly, well, then I don't know. No, no.
Joan Pedestrian
Then I don't want to be hung up on that.
Kaven
Then I don't want to be. Right.
Joan Pedestrian
Okay.
Kaven
Anyway, I've never seen a remote control inside a car. I've seen remote control cars.
Joan Pedestrian
Sure. That's very different. Usually they clip right onto the little sort of like shade that you flip down for the.
Paul F. Tompkins
Oh. I mean, would you believe us if we said we have seen this?
Kaven
Okay, listen, I'm not going to argue with you because you're a vague. Well, you are, but I'll argue with you.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh, I'm not sure that's. I'm not sure that's. I think that's the short answer, end of the stick, frankly,
Paul F. Tompkins
even if we say the same thing.
Joan Pedestrian
Let me correct. Okay, let me ask you another thing. You said he's never done it. Are you.
Paul F. Tompkins
Do you. Tell me if I may refer back to the text.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh, she doesn't say never.
Paul F. Tompkins
Typically, they park in the driveway.
Kaven
Ah, yeah.
Paul F. Tompkins
No. Okay. Typically doesn't necessarily mean they always do it.
Joan Pedestrian
That's right.
Kaven
I Thought it allows for.
Paul F. Tompkins
I think. I think typically allows for some deviation on occasion.
Kaven
Set the tone for my readers.
Joan Pedestrian
I have to let them know.
Kaven
Typically, on any given day, I look out and I see they went to a lot of work to make that driveway too. They did some. Laid down a lot of rocks and a lot of pavers. Pavers.
Joan Pedestrian
That's my husband, Doug. I know you can't see him, but he's in a different room.
Kaven
Who said I was gonna say something?
Joan Pedestrian
I know.
Kaven
I thought I had a voice in my head.
Bret Morris
I'm the voice in your head. Head.
Joan Pedestrian
No, babe, don't do that. I'm not sure this is good for Kaven, this particular guest.
Paul F. Tompkins
Don't tell people I'm the voice in your head.
Kaven
I had a guiding angel that was gonna happen.
Joan Pedestrian
No, no, no, no, no.
Bret Morris
I was just rolling with it.
Joan Pedestrian
Okay, babe, what is that? Please don't worry about it.
Kaven
Are you in a throuple?
Joan Pedestrian
No, no. Kevin, what's wrong with Candlestick?
Paul F. Tompkins
It's tough to refute.
Joan Pedestrian
I want to go back to something you said. You said my readers do. Are you talking about people who read on the neighbor hap your pet? Yes. Like, as if they're your fans. Do you have people who comment and
Kaven
expect you to post?
Paul F. Tompkins
How often do you post?
Kaven
Oh, probably give or take four to 18 times a day.
Paul F. Tompkins
That's a lot.
Joan Pedestrian
Yeah, that's a lot.
Kaven
Depends on what's going on outside, what I see. I report what I see to my readers. I set the stage, I give them. You should understand this. You're an actor.
Joan Pedestrian
Okay. All right.
Kaven
I have to tell them the what is going on on the where and the wow. Why? It's atypical.
Joan Pedestrian
Okay, can I ask you.
Paul F. Tompkins
These are the reporters questions.
Kaven
Yeah.
Joan Pedestrian
Can I ask you what you do for a living other than posting on neighborhop?
Kaven
I. I buy and sell stock.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh, that's pretty cool.
Kaven
Stock as in cows, cattle.
Paul F. Tompkins
Oh, oh, livestock.
Kaven
Yeah.
Joan Pedestrian
You're in the. You're. You. You, like, have a farm or you just simply managing the shipment of cattle? Or are you an agricultural type?
Kaven
No, it's a video game.
Paul F. Tompkins
Oh, video game.
Joan Pedestrian
I've never heard of this.
Kaven
It's called farm animals.
Joan Pedestrian
Really?
Paul F. Tompkins
Do you know this bird Farm Animals. I'm not familiar. Huh. And what do you do in farm Animals? The game. You buy and sell farm animals?
Kaven
Yeah, I play with my nephews.
Paul F. Tompkins
Oh, that's very sweet.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh, I said, but would you for a living? Do you get paid for that? Are you, like, their nanny?
Paul F. Tompkins
Are you on Twitch doing This.
Kaven
I get paid to play with them. Yes, you do.
Joan Pedestrian
That's interesting. So obviously it's e. Your brother's children or your sister's children.
Kaven
Yeah, my brother's children.
Joan Pedestrian
Okay. He pays you to watch them.
Kaven
Not watch them. Play with them.
Joan Pedestrian
Play with them.
Paul F. Tompkins
Specifically Play with them.
Joan Pedestrian
Specifically play with them.
Paul F. Tompkins
Is it always farm animals? The game?
Bret Morris
Yes.
Joan Pedestrian
Wow. Never. Never deviates.
Kaven
No, typically, it's farm animals. Do you see what I'm saying?
Joan Pedestrian
Typically. There's that word again.
Kaven
Okay, so anyway, there's only two things that can open a garage door from inside a car. One is, I guess, your mind. All right, well, does that seem likely?
Joan Pedestrian
Babe, do not comment on that. Don't. Just let her finish. Just let her finish.
Paul F. Tompkins
I know that's catting up to you, Doug, but please let it go.
Bret Morris
It is.
Joan Pedestrian
He's losing his mind right now. I'm not.
Kaven
Because you are harboring some people in your truck and you are running a sex slave.
Paul F. Tompkins
Oh. And that's how you could open the garage door.
Kaven
If you're a sex trafficker and you have somebody working on the inside who's in tandem with you, and you pull in and you're under the. In the middle of the night at 5:30pm you pull into your garage the
Joan Pedestrian
middle of the night at 5:30pm okay.
Kaven
Yeah.
Bret Morris
You're doing great.
Kaven
Yes.
Joan Pedestrian
Babe, are you still trying to be the voice in her head? You need to stop that. Damn it. Oh, damn it. No, no, no. Cayman.
Kaven
Oh, I thought I was doing great.
Joan Pedestrian
Doug, you might have to come down here and present yourself so that, you know, she can see that you're a real person. I sent myself know.
Kaven
Oh, wow.
Bret Morris
You're like some kind of routine, really
Kaven
having me on here.
Joan Pedestrian
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Kaven
K. You're messing with.
Joan Pedestrian
I'm not trying to gaslit. I. I think it's a wild jump to make to some terrible, nefarious traffic situation. Based on what? Why is it the only thing it can be? I can think of other things.
Paul F. Tompkins
Did this just happen? The one time.
Kaven
Exactly. I have seen their garage door open, and it's full of boxes and a drum kit. And then this time, how you're gonna fit a truck in there. Somebody moves some things figured out. Oh, I'm here on the inside. Tell me when you're pulling up with the contraband, and I'll open up the garage door.
Joan Pedestrian
And then you think, what? And then they put the report.
Kaven
You could read the report.
Joan Pedestrian
Yeah. Where did you file a report?
Paul F. Tompkins
I also wanna ask you. I Do wanna know where you filed the report? Yeah, I have a feeling it's on the neighborhap. And I also wanna ask you, what do your neighbors typically do? Are they suspicious in any other ways? Because you seem to go from 0 to 60 with yes.
Kaven
Well, I just can't believe it's happening in my neighborhood, as I said.
Paul F. Tompkins
Right.
Kaven
I mean, my neighborhood is known for just really nice people of a certain age. We all just do our own thing. And, you know, I report the goings on and they turn to me and they expect to know, you know, what to fear. Or at least they tell me what to fear. Yeah. And, you know, they ask me, what do I fear today? And I tell them, I gotta be honest with you.
Joan Pedestrian
What else have you feared? On a different day, what do you fear? What are other things you fear about your neighbors?
Kaven
Spray, spray, spray.
Joan Pedestrian
Could you elaborate?
Paul F. Tompkins
Say more?
Kaven
Insecticide spray.
Paul F. Tompkins
Insecticide spray.
Kaven
Yeah.
Joan Pedestrian
Okay, okay. But all you need, generally you just need to be aware of when someone's doing it and you just stay inside.
Kaven
I saw a neighbor wearing gloves.
Joan Pedestrian
Okay. Now, Kaven, was it the window winter?
Kaven
No.
Joan Pedestrian
Okay. But they could have been gardening. Why?
Kaven
Gardening is useless.
Joan Pedestrian
Can you tell me something? Can you tell me something? When you're not playing with your nephews, what do you enjoy doing?
Kaven
Oh, well, let's see. I. Oh, God.
Paul F. Tompkins
Wow, what a stumper.
Kaven
What do you enjoy doing?
Joan Pedestrian
Well, I think she's just spending her whole time in fear and just worried about everything.
Kaven
Well, no, I. There's a lot of things I like. You know, I love to take out all the pieces from my board games. Dust them, clean them, put them back in. And then every once in a while, just to be fun, I'll just replace, like, you know, in my chess set, I'll put a checker chip. And in my jackgammon set, I'll put, you know, I'll put a nickel.
Joan Pedestrian
Really?
Kaven
Yeah.
Joan Pedestrian
And who is that for? Is that for when you have company over to play the game? Yeah.
Paul F. Tompkins
God.
Joan Pedestrian
Sorry, that. Now, I wasn't expecting that.
Paul F. Tompkins
I wasn't expecting that either.
Joan Pedestrian
I was thinking maybe. So you get yourself a little chuckle.
Kaven
You don't think God has a sense of humor?
Paul F. Tompkins
Oh, I think so. Look at the duck billed platypus. Now, Caven, when you. So is the idea that the next time you open these games, let's say you're gonna play a game with someone, you open it up and like, oh, there's a nickel in there.
Kaven
Yes. And then I wink to God.
Paul F. Tompkins
You wink to God. Right.
Joan Pedestrian
And I go, and you pretend as if God did it. Is that what you're trying to sort of like make it look like he did it and convince your.
Kaven
Yes.
Joan Pedestrian
She said that with such a chilling smile. Really?
Kaven
Isn't that funny? Isn't that funny?
Joan Pedestrian
I don't know.
Kaven
That's something.
Paul F. Tompkins
Well, it is something.
Joan Pedestrian
It is something.
Paul F. Tompkins
Let me ask you, do you ever associate with your neighbors?
Kaven
Yes.
Paul F. Tompkins
You do hang out with them sometimes?
Kaven
Yes, I put flyers on their doors.
Bret Morris
Oh.
Paul F. Tompkins
Oh, that's not the same. I don't think.
Joan Pedestrian
No. What do they say, for example?
Kaven
Look out.
Paul F. Tompkins
Right.
Joan Pedestrian
Is there more? Yeah.
Kaven
Well, there's a line at the bottom. And every day I feel something different.
Paul F. Tompkins
So in addition to posting, you are printing up flyers. You have a flyer template like a mad lib.
Kaven
Things to be afraid of because they
Joan Pedestrian
want to know they're supposed to fill it out.
Kaven
They look to me for that.
Paul F. Tompkins
Is this every day you do this?
Kaven
Yes.
Joan Pedestrian
That's extreme. Well, and you're sure that they want it has truly no one ever come up to you and said, kaven, please, I don't want any more flyers on my doorstep?
Kaven
Yes.
Joan Pedestrian
Is that funny?
Kaven
So funny.
Paul F. Tompkins
I really took delight in that.
Joan Pedestrian
She did.
Kaven
Well, Big broad smile. Why would somebody not real. They don't mean it. They don't mean it.
Joan Pedestrian
K. I think sometimes you have to take people at their word. I mean, it seems like you're not. You're receiving signals that I don't.
Kaven
I've been lied to so many times in my life.
Paul F. Tompkins
By whom?
Kaven
Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. School.
Paul F. Tompkins
Right.
Kaven
Parents. Oh, my siblings, my nephews even. They're, you know, one in nine and they lie. Every word out of their mouth is untrue.
Joan Pedestrian
And you guys both all play this game together. What are their names?
Kaven
In the news? Cbs.
Joan Pedestrian
It's a strange name.
Kaven
And ABC and NBC.
Joan Pedestrian
What are your nephew.
Paul F. Tompkins
Is the one year old getting much enjoyment out of?
Joan Pedestrian
That's what I was wondering.
Kaven
Is he getting much enjoyment?
Paul F. Tompkins
Yeah.
Bret Morris
Yeah.
Joan Pedestrian
Well, 1 and 9 is a pretty. It's just you're. You're about different things.
Kaven
I don't know if he's enjoying it or not. He lies. They're all liars.
Joan Pedestrian
How can he even lie? He probably barely has a few words so far to say. What are their names?
Kaven
Jimothy is the youngest. And. And Terry. Terry. Terry.
Paul F. Tompkins
Is there more to his name?
Joan Pedestrian
Terry.
Kaven
Terry just changed his name.
Paul F. Tompkins
Oh, really?
Joan Pedestrian
Oh, he did?
Paul F. Tompkins
What did he change it to?
Kaven
To?
Joan Pedestrian
Oh, he changed it from something to Terry.
Kaven
He changed it to Terry. Oh, what was a gorgeous name? Which was gorgeous name.
Paul F. Tompkins
Please tell us.
Kaven
Marnold.
Bret Morris
Marnold.
Joan Pedestrian
I hate to say I kind of understand why he'd want to be switching it to Terry. How dare you.
Kaven
Okay.
Joan Pedestrian
Please. That's my last coaster. Okay. Okay.
Paul F. Tompkins
What is Marnold a family name?
Joan Pedestrian
Yeah. It is unusual I have to say.
Paul F. Tompkins
Never met a Mar. I met a few Jimothy's but never
Joan Pedestrian
a. Yeah, yes, I. I've known a Jimothy or two in my life.
Kaven
It's so be. When you say Mar.
Paul F. Tompkins
When you say Marnold, I say yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kaven
When you say Mar, I, it's So is this a word you can say on the air?
Joan Pedestrian
Air.
Kaven
Mellifluous.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh lovely. Yes, you absolutely can say that on the air.
Kaven
I heard it once and it just. It. That's Mar.
Bret Morris
I can kind of put some reverb on that if you'd like.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh, that's great too.
Paul F. Tompkins
Sure, let's do it.
Joan Pedestrian
Good ad.
Paul F. Tompkins
Wow.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh that's gonna sound really good.
Kaven
Okay.
Joan Pedestrian
Beautiful. I'm assuming. So I'm assuming Terry is the nine year old who changed his name and the one year old is Jimothy.
Kaven
Yeah.
Joan Pedestrian
Okay. What do your, what do your brother and sister in law do that they're so busy that they pay you to play with them?
Kaven
Oh, they're. One of them is. He's flooring and my sister in law.
Joan Pedestrian
He's flooring.
Kaven
My sister in law does a lot of stuff on the phone. I don't know, she's always looking at her phone.
Paul F. Tompkins
Okay, so are they there when you are playing with Timothy? No, Terry. Excuse me.
Kaven
No, no. They have a timeshare in Cancun so
Paul F. Tompkins
they go to Cancun and then you play with the children.
Joan Pedestrian
Hang on.
Paul F. Tompkins
But you don't watch the children, you just play farm animals with them.
Kaven
Oh, I'm sorry, it's remote sound.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh wait, so they're alone. So they're alone in the house while they go to Cancun for how long?
Kaven
No, they go. The whole family goes home. I zoom with them. I play games with them all day long. I keep them consumed. I don't know what they're doing down there. It's suspicious.
Paul F. Tompkins
Your days seem packed because you are playing farm animals all day long. You're also posting on the neighborhab at least 18 times a day. Then you're also putting the flyers in people's doors.
Kaven
Yes, and there's so much to be afraid of. You know what, I had a neighbor the other day.
Joan Pedestrian
Okay.
Kaven
Okay. This is not the same one who was wearing gloves.
Joan Pedestrian
Got it.
Kaven
I had one neighbor the other day who had a measuring tape, and they were out, you know, and they were looking at the side of their house, and they had the measuring tape. I just said to myself, what on earth?
Joan Pedestrian
I thought there would be more. I was waiting for us to.
Kaven
No, I called the fire department.
Joan Pedestrian
The fire department? That's interesting.
Kaven
Yeah. I said. I said, listen, what kind of person lives in a house for so long and not. And. And all of a sudden they need to know, oh, how big is it? That's.
Joan Pedestrian
Well, they might be making an alteration to the outside of their home. They might be doing an add on.
Kaven
Nobody in my neighborhood makes alterations.
Paul F. Tompkins
Okay. How long ago is this?
Kaven
This was. This was Friday. Which Today.
Paul F. Tompkins
Oh, this is Friday.
Kaven
Yeah.
Paul F. Tompkins
Okay.
Joan Pedestrian
Are you. Do you live in. Perfect. Perfect pond?
Kaven
Yes.
Joan Pedestrian
Okay. Perfect pond. There is. You are literally not allowed to make any changes of any kind. The HOA is. Is oppressive.
Paul F. Tompkins
Yeah, they really are. They'll wake you up in the middle of the night, disappear you.
Kaven
I know. They'll come in the middle of the night at one time. They came at 5:48pm
Joan Pedestrian
that's also interesting. When do you go to bed?
Paul F. Tompkins
Great question, Joan.
Joan Pedestrian
Thank you.
Kaven
I go to bed at 4.
Joan Pedestrian
Why?
Kaven
Why?
Paul F. Tompkins
Yeah, 4pm but then 5:30 is still the middle of the night.
Kaven
I don't need to know what's happening after 4pm that is when the demons come.
Joan Pedestrian
Okay, now, you've thrown a lot of things out here, and I understand being paranoid about measuring tape and gloves. Please expound on what you mean by demons. Well,
Kaven
if you're out after 4pm you're not looking for, you know, to have a nice chat with somebody. You're looking for trouble. You either want to break in, tie somebody up, do a home invasion, or, you know, a possession.
Joan Pedestrian
Caven, has anything happened it remotely similar to what you just described, that you have seen?
Paul F. Tompkins
And also, is tying someone up separate from a home invasion just tying them up?
Kaven
Yes, they're very different.
Joan Pedestrian
But have you seen or heard of that anywhere in your neighborhood?
Kaven
Yeah, well, not in my.
Joan Pedestrian
She was so quick to say yes before I got that last part in.
Kaven
I'm gonna. I'm gonna. I. No, not specifically in my neighborhood, but why do you think that is?
Joan Pedestrian
Why?
Kaven
Because somebody is on high alert.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh, you think the only reason all those things you just described haven't happened is because of you?
Kaven
Yeah, I keep everything at bay.
Joan Pedestrian
How can you be on high alert when you're asleep at 4 and you said I don't want to witness.
Paul F. Tompkins
What time do you wake up?
Kaven
I wake up at. I wake up sometime, but usually around 5am when the Klon pinwheels.
Joan Pedestrian
Okay, then how can you be on high alert on Klonopin every night?
Kaven
Oh, you have.
Joan Pedestrian
Who.
Kaven
Who's married you?
Joan Pedestrian
I'm married to Doug. Yes.
Kaven
Where's Doug when we need him?
Joan Pedestrian
Doug, do you want to come down here so she can see. See you? Okay. Present yourself.
Paul F. Tompkins
He has to extricate himself from a. A human sized pinball.
Joan Pedestrian
All right.
Bret Morris
I'm rolling through the house.
Joan Pedestrian
It wasn't another candlestick. That's.
Paul F. Tompkins
Wait. That's the sound of the ball.
Joan Pedestrian
It's the sound of his pinball machine. All right. It's coming from the room.
Bret Morris
I'm coming.
Joan Pedestrian
What.
Paul F. Tompkins
What is the ball made out of?
Kaven
Is somebody right now?
Bret Morris
It's a. It's. I mean, it's metal, right? But there's a window in it so you can see it.
Joan Pedestrian
It sounded like a gigantic metal bar was falling down the stairs towards us. Babe, that was alarming.
Kaven
I got.
Joan Pedestrian
I did not care for that.
Kaven
I'm writing this up.
Bret Morris
I would rather not get out of these balls.
Kaven
I'm writing it out.
Paul F. Tompkins
Please don't write.
Joan Pedestrian
Write us up. Okay. This is Doug. This is Doug. Doug Caven.
Bret Morris
Caven presenting. Doug.
Kaven
I know you.
Paul F. Tompkins
Uh.
Kaven
Oh, I like you.
Joan Pedestrian
How? Where have you seen my husband?
Kaven
I saw him. I know what you did.
Bret Morris
What did you do last summer?
Kaven
I saw you in the bulk aisle. I know what you did.
Paul F. Tompkins
What did you do in the bulk aisle?
Joan Pedestrian
Babe, what are you doing in the bulk aisle?
Bret Morris
I'm always in the bulk aisle.
Kaven
I know what you did.
Joan Pedestrian
Kavan, I think we're gonna need more information.
Paul F. Tompkins
What did you call a such ass?
Kaven
You ate brown rice and you didn't write the proper number on it.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh, on the bag, rather.
Bret Morris
Oh, no.
Joan Pedestrian
You mean scooping it into the bag.
Bret Morris
Do I have to take it back?
Kaven
You're a pervert.
Joan Pedestrian
Well, you already ate it, honey. A pervert. All right, now, kin. I can't let you call my husband a pervert. For that kind of person, it was probably an honest mistake.
Kaven
What kind of ethical person who doesn't.
Paul F. Tompkins
What are you writing on the bag?
Kaven
What am I writing on?
Bret Morris
You have to guess the exact weight. And if it's not right.
Paul F. Tompkins
I was going to say, don't they have a scale of some sort?
Kaven
No, not as the number of your bin.
Joan Pedestrian
Not. Not at Krauts, which is the only place where they have the bins of the seeds. And the grains.
Kaven
Is that how you pronounce it?
Joan Pedestrian
Yes.
Bret Morris
It's a weird system.
Kaven
I thought it was crotch C R
Paul F. Tompkins
O U G H T S. If
Bret Morris
you don't get the weight right, you've broken the law.
Joan Pedestrian
There's like a big sound effect. There's in the whole entire store and everyone laughs at you.
Paul F. Tompkins
What's really weird is they make you weigh yourself when you walk in there.
Joan Pedestrian
Yes, they do. And they make that sound when you get on the scale too.
Paul F. Tompkins
And then. Then you have to weigh when you go out. They subtract tracked.
Kaven
Well, that's how they make sure you're not taking anything.
Bret Morris
Yeah, they.
Paul F. Tompkins
You have to pay by the difference in weight.
Joan Pedestrian
Yeah, it's accurate to a grain of rice.
Paul F. Tompkins
That's their slogan.
Kaven
And if you.
Bret Morris
If you nail it, they'll wreck on a grain of rice.
Kaven
That's why you can't. That's why you can't invite into free samples because that's how they get you.
Bret Morris
Okay, but then I don't think I'm a pervert.
Joan Pedestrian
He's not a pervert.
Kaven
You are a pervert.
Joan Pedestrian
Caven.
Paul F. Tompkins
That's.
Joan Pedestrian
Tell me about.
Bret Morris
They're better than demon.
Kaven
What kind of. Oh, they're the same. What kind of demon pervert writes a different number of the bin on your bag?
Paul F. Tompkins
You think that's the weird behavior. He's in a big metal wall ball with a window in it.
Joan Pedestrian
No kidding.
Kaven
You look at porn.
Joan Pedestrian
What?
Kaven
I mean, that's the kind of mindset. So anyway, if you were my neighbor, that's what I would put on the flyer.
Paul F. Tompkins
Okay.
Joan Pedestrian
Well, now, first of all, I mean,
Kaven
I just didn't think it would happen in my neighborhood. That there would be understood trafficking in my neighborhood.
Joan Pedestrian
Somebody could toss a grain of rice at any man and he's going to
Paul F. Tompkins
look at response from your neighbors because there are people in the neighborhood saying. I don't think that was. I think you're jumping to a conclusion.
Kaven
They laugh, which I know is a defense mechanism.
Joan Pedestrian
How can you tell they laugh online?
Paul F. Tompkins
No, I meant in person. What was.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh, sorry. Sorry. Oh, yeah, you're right.
Kaven
Yeah.
Paul F. Tompkins
You're saying they laugh.
Kaven
They laugh, which is a defense mechanism. That's what happens. I had a friend told me that. I had a friend told me that she witnessed her parents murder when we were on summer vacation.
Joan Pedestrian
Sorry, when you were a child?
Kaven
Yeah, when I was a child. And she told me this in confidence and my first reaction was to laugh.
Paul F. Tompkins
Okay, you're saying it's a coping mechanism to deal with Horror.
Kaven
Yes. Because it was so horrible.
Joan Pedestrian
Yes. But was it true? Was she telling you a fake story?
Kaven
No, I think it was very much real.
Joan Pedestrian
Well, the only way to find out is did she ever see your parents again? I mean, if you were friends with her, you actually.
Paul F. Tompkins
Were her parents murdered? I feel like that would be neighborhood news.
Joan Pedestrian
Yeah. Yeah.
Kaven
I think that's why we were at the same camp.
Joan Pedestrian
Because your parents were murdered?
Kaven
Oh, no, sorry, I forgot to. I forgot that part.
Paul F. Tompkins
This happened at camp.
Kaven
This happened at camp. You did not. We were at the same. We were at the same camp.
Joan Pedestrian
Meaning like you lost touch right after this. So you weren't able to follow up on whether or not her parents were murdered? I mean, if her parents were murdered, she would have been taken out of camp. Was she taken out of camp?
Paul F. Tompkins
Was she taken out of camp?
Kaven
Nobody came to pick her up.
Joan Pedestrian
Right. But she would not notify next of camp. What I'm trying to get out of Caven is I think what might have happened is from a very early like this.
Kaven
This is accusatory.
Joan Pedestrian
It's not accusatory. It's me trying to help you. Nope, not at all.
Kaven
I saw what I saw.
Joan Pedestrian
I'm answer hunting. That's what I'm doing. I'm not victim blaming.
Kaven
Typically they don't park in the garage. And now you want me to change my stuff?
Joan Pedestrian
No, I think that someone told you a tall tale when you were younger. I think you might have been a very impressionable young lady, which happens. People will sometimes, if you're innocent, tell you things. And I think it put in your mind a sense of fear about the entire world. Because if that. The stuff that happens when you're a kiddo like that, if you're a me, immediately scared of the world. That's how you grew up.
Kaven
Pass the sniff test for me. I listen. Do you have a television set?
Paul F. Tompkins
I do.
Kaven
And when you turn it on, do you see bad things that are happening?
Joan Pedestrian
I do. We don't call it a television set, but yeah.
Paul F. Tompkins
Do you mean the news?
Kaven
What?
Paul F. Tompkins
The news?
Kaven
The local news?
Paul F. Tompkins
Is that what you're referring to? Yes, the bad things that are happening all over. Oh, I mean, I have seen the news. Yes.
Kaven
And then. And then now there's. Oh my gosh. What? My entire.
Joan Pedestrian
Babe. What? What do you think doing? He went back up into his room.
Bret Morris
I was gonna go to find the television set.
Paul F. Tompkins
He's trying to roll off to the tv.
Bret Morris
I was gonna bring it back to show you.
Joan Pedestrian
This was an inflatable ball. Not. Not like an actual.
Paul F. Tompkins
No, it's metal with a window in it.
Bret Morris
It's like a pinball.
Kaven
I'm so. I'm so happy that you're real, but I. I'm so also relieved that the head voice inside my head is not a pervert, but, in fact, your husband.
Joan Pedestrian
I'm glad you're glad.
Bret Morris
So I'm not a pervert?
Kaven
No, you are a pervert, babe.
Joan Pedestrian
No, you're not. Don't listen to her.
Bret Morris
Okay, can someone turn me around? I'm upside down.
Joan Pedestrian
Birds. Can you take care of that?
Paul F. Tompkins
So there's no mechanism in that. What? Is there anything inside?
Kaven
I can see parts.
Joan Pedestrian
You have no way of testing. You're just trapped in there and have no way of steering it.
Bret Morris
Yeah, I mean, I'm kind of like. I'm. I'm upright.
Paul F. Tompkins
Yeah, you have your palms and your feet.
Bret Morris
Yeah, I'm kind of like that. Leonardo.
Joan Pedestrian
Yes. Yes. I knew that's what you were going to say. Yes. Yes.
Bret Morris
Just because you knew what I was gonna say doesn't mean it's not.
Paul F. Tompkins
Let me give you. I'll give you a little push with my foot.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh, boy.
Paul F. Tompkins
There he goes.
Kaven
All right.
Bret Morris
Oh, Got stuck in the door.
Paul F. Tompkins
I closed the door.
Joan Pedestrian
You did?
Paul F. Tompkins
Oh, and he also got stuck in the door. That's as much as I can help you, Doug.
Bret Morris
Thanks.
Paul F. Tompkins
I feel cavan. As if you have, if I may say, a very vivid and very negative imagination.
Kaven
I agree.
Joan Pedestrian
That's not a compliment.
Kaven
Okay.
Paul F. Tompkins
Not an insult either. Just a statement of fact.
Joan Pedestrian
That's right. It's an observation.
Kaven
That's what I. Statement of fact. Thank you. This is language.
Joan Pedestrian
Here's a statement of fact for you.
Paul F. Tompkins
Can I get a great observation, Bert?
Kaven
Give it to him.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh, me?
Bret Morris
Yeah.
Kaven
Yes.
Joan Pedestrian
Great observation, Bert.
Paul F. Tompkins
Thank you.
Joan Pedestrian
Know your place.
Kaven
Know your place.
Bret Morris
Oh.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh, great. Great, babe.
Bret Morris
You sigh it after.
Joan Pedestrian
I'm sorry. Okay.
Paul F. Tompkins
I mean, I. When I say great questions. You're on.
Joan Pedestrian
She interrupted me, and now. I don't know what I was gonna say.
Kaven
If you're not deferential to this person, what are you even doing? Here is.
Joan Pedestrian
Is a caven. Here is a statement of fact. People, yes. Are allowed to park on their driveway or in their garage. It happens every day. It doesn't mean anything other than it's their free will, and they just decided
Kaven
you don't live rent free. In their head, they know what they don't either. Know what they're doing. I know what they're doing. You're up to. You're doing fine. You're parking in your driveway, you go to all that trouble to lay down all that you're doing fine gravel, and then you don't park on it. You're.
Joan Pedestrian
Hi.
Kaven
You're in your garage because you're hiding something.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh, I'm in your garage because there's going to be a hail storm that night. You don't want your car to get damaged.
Kaven
There is no hail storm.
Joan Pedestrian
All right, all right. Maybe she threw a throw pillow, which I understand we need to change that name.
Paul F. Tompkins
There shouldn't be so many throw pillows in the kitchen.
Kaven
And I think that even if there was a hailstorm, what is so special about your truck that it can't handle a hailstorm? Isn't that the reason people get trucks? I have a Dodge Dart and I even that has survived many a hailstorm.
Joan Pedestrian
Forget the hailstorm. That was the wrong avenue to go down.
Paul F. Tompkins
I wish you hadn't said hailstorm.
Joan Pedestrian
Who is your neighbor? Do you know what this man's name is?
Paul F. Tompkins
Or woman?
Kaven
I know, but I don't want to get a deformation lawsuit. Fine.
Joan Pedestrian
What. What now? Have you had any interactions with him? What does he do for. For a living?
Kaven
I don't know.
Joan Pedestrian
I don't know. I don't have. Well, then guess what, Kevin? You can't then just determine that he's up to no good if you have no idea what he does.
Kaven
One job where you park in your driveway, and then all of a sudden one day you park in your garage.
Joan Pedestrian
The job of being a human on planet Earth. That's not a job.
Kaven
That's just. That's. That's not a job.
Joan Pedestrian
You don't have to have a job. You don't have to have a job to park in your driveway or in your garage.
Paul F. Tompkins
That's so true.
Joan Pedestrian
You just have to be a person
Kaven
who lives at their house kind of person. Has no job. Well, yeah, I have a very important job.
Paul F. Tompkins
Playing with your nephews.
Joan Pedestrian
And I'm not sure about them letting
Kaven
my neighbors know danger is around the
Joan Pedestrian
corner at all times. But it's danger that you're making up in your head. You think Doug is the voice in your head. You are the voice in your head.
Kaven
I saw what I saw. They opened a garage from inside the car.
Joan Pedestrian
She's still hung up on that.
Paul F. Tompkins
She really is. Are you somehow monetizing your neighbor hat posting?
Kaven
Am I. Am I monetizing? Am I making money off of this?
Paul F. Tompkins
Yes.
Kaven
I don't need money where I live. I mean, I do, but I don't monetize it.
Paul F. Tompkins
But you said this Was your job.
Kaven
Listen, I have a lot of people who count on me, is what I. And that. That is a job.
Paul F. Tompkins
These are the people that laugh at you when you say this person's human trafficking.
Kaven
Well, because it's a defense mechanism.
Joan Pedestrian
You think that. But what if they're laughing because they think. Think you're crazy?
Kaven
That is a big word. Crazy.
Joan Pedestrian
I know. That's why I whisper. Big word. I whisper it.
Kaven
And you whisper it because. Because I. I saw what you said just now, and that's accusatory. And I'm gonna sue you for defamation.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh, no, not me. For defamation.
Kaven
Yes. They're not laughing at me. They're laughing at me for be. For. Because they love me. Because they care about me.
Joan Pedestrian
Dear. I.
Kaven
And they know they got it good with. With me.
Joan Pedestrian
I don't.
Kaven
I mean, how.
Joan Pedestrian
How do they have it good with you?
Kaven
They have it good. A free service.
Joan Pedestrian
Name one free service. I don't see.
Kaven
Name one free service.
Paul F. Tompkins
Boy, I can't think of one. Hugs.
Joan Pedestrian
There you go, baby.
Paul F. Tompkins
That's a free service.
Joan Pedestrian
Good one. That is a free service from the pervert. Oh, my gosh.
Bret Morris
Doug.
Paul F. Tompkins
Not. It's not helping. You beat the pervert allegations.
Joan Pedestrian
Did you make it? Where are you now? What happened?
Bret Morris
I've fallen down the. In the basement.
Paul F. Tompkins
Down those three steps.
Bret Morris
I'm all in. I'm just. I'm so lost in the house right now. How am I gonna get this ball back up?
Paul F. Tompkins
I don't know. How are we still hearing?
Bret Morris
I wish I didn't have to present myself.
Joan Pedestrian
Right.
Kaven
Let's shake it now. Listen to my core. Because you are questioning and calling the question into my impressionable mind that maybe what I'm doing is not. Is not somehow a service or useful and that people are laughing at me.
Joan Pedestrian
I don't think that it does. And I think that they own. Sure, but do you have any good friends that you can trust? People that you. You would say he. I trust this person. I know they're up to only good.
Kaven
I am. I'm not put on this planet to trust people. I am put on this planet to do the opposite. I'm to question. To question the motives of every single human.
Joan Pedestrian
That is exhausting.
Paul F. Tompkins
You feel this is your purpose on Earth?
Joan Pedestrian
Yes.
Kaven
Somebody has to be the lighthouse.
Paul F. Tompkins
Are you a religious person?
Joan Pedestrian
Of course she is. She thinks that she makes little jokes for God. Remember?
Paul F. Tompkins
I forgot about that.
Kaven
Pay attention. Burnt.
Paul F. Tompkins
Are you a churchgoer?
Kaven
Oh, yes.
Paul F. Tompkins
Okay.
Joan Pedestrian
Okay. Where do you go? What religion are you? What church do you go to?
Kaven
I'm, I'm Christian, but I'm Christian of. I'm bespoke Christian. I, I, I, it's, it's tailor made Christianity to my needs.
Joan Pedestrian
Right, I see.
Paul F. Tompkins
How does it differ? What would say the key differences between
Joan Pedestrian
like, do you go to a building, do you worship with other people when you do this, or do you do this religion from home?
Kaven
Oh, I do it from home. Yeah. And I, and you know, because the thing about churches is, I think we've all read the headlines full of pedophiles.
Joan Pedestrian
I mean, listen, that, that is a statement of effect.
Kaven
Mm. Thank you. Finally, you've seen the problem.
Joan Pedestrian
Well, it's been proven in many ways. Not every single truth, but we know it's a problem. Yes, but what's your point with that?
Kaven
Well, I don't like to go anywhere where I can find that. I mean, I don't even love to go to crotches because, you know, see,
Joan Pedestrian
here's the interesting thing. Okay.
Kaven
You said, because I know that when I go to the bulk aisle, my hands are touching, you know, handles and bins where other perverts have been. Sure.
Bret Morris
Was she nodding over to me when she said that?
Joan Pedestrian
She was. Even though you're not here, she was nodding in your pinballs directly direction. What you say, you say, you seem to accept, you know, what, what the news said about this one thing you mentioned about the church. So that, that's something that people have actually done investigative work on. Something like someone going into their garage. There's no, there's no news about that. We've never had some explosive case.
Paul F. Tompkins
There's not a spate of garage.
Joan Pedestrian
Correct.
Paul F. Tompkins
Human trafficking.
Joan Pedestrian
Yes. Yes.
Kaven
I'm so sorry that I have to connect the dots.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh, she is squinting so hard.
Kaven
I'm going to give you a scenario. This is the only scenario I can possibly think of.
Paul F. Tompkins
All right?
Kaven
Okay.
Paul F. Tompkins
Okay.
Kaven
Let's call him John Jacob Jingle.
Joan Pedestrian
Okay. Okay.
Paul F. Tompkins
We're gonna end before.
Bret Morris
That's my name too.
Paul F. Tompkins
Doug.
Joan Pedestrian
Doug.
Bret Morris
Doug. It's one of my favorite songs.
Paul F. Tompkins
I mean, it's a banger.
Joan Pedestrian
I don't think she's not even aware of the song. Maybe or, or just doesn't like it. But I'm sure that's not what she was talking.
Kaven
And James Jingleheimer gets in his truck.
Joan Pedestrian
Okay?
Kaven
And on this day, he says, the
Paul F. Tompkins
Schmidt eraser is driving me crazy.
Joan Pedestrian
I know, but you have to get over it, Bernd.
Kaven
He gets in his truck, he puts it in drive and he comes home and he thinks no one's watching. And he thinks this time I'm just gonna go in through the outdoor. Right.
Joan Pedestrian
In through the outdoor well.
Kaven
I'm gonna go into an area where I've never entered before.
Joan Pedestrian
Again, I'm just gonna have. I have an argument with this. You don't know that he's never entered these. I know. This is.
Kaven
I said typically.
Joan Pedestrian
I know, but that doesn't mean never. This is the same problem. You haven't had your eyes on him
Kaven
typically every single time. Look up.
Joan Pedestrian
Typically. Look up. Typically. Do it. Do what she says because she won't get off of it.
Kaven
You're gonna be so disappointed.
Joan Pedestrian
Okay, Keep going with the scenario. So he decides to keep going.
Kaven
Wait till the bed of that truck. What do you think that it need? That you can't go into your own driving, that you don't want anyone to see what's.
Joan Pedestrian
You don't even need to have anything that you're trying to hide. You could just want to protect your truck. Maybe you don't want someone to break into your truck. Now that's something that does happen. Even people break into cars on the street and in the driveway.
Kaven
Not in. Not in the area that you said I live in.
Joan Pedestrian
Are you sure about that? It seems like maybe you don't even know about the crimes that do happen in your neighborhood versus the ones. Yes, I said neighborhood versus the ones that you pretend have high alert.
Kaven
My neighbor heard from me that there's dangers and they're all on high alert.
Joan Pedestrian
Well, now that's fun. I like neighborhood. Neighborhood for me. Here we go. Here's your definition on typically.
Paul F. Tompkins
In most cases. Most usually.
Kaven
Usually.
Paul F. Tompkins
Often a sub modifier often.
Joan Pedestrian
Does it say that a synonym is never. Does it list never as a synonym?
Paul F. Tompkins
No.
Joan Pedestrian
There you go.
Kaven
No, because it's usually often, most likely, and commonly. Go ahead.
Joan Pedestrian
Did you say otten men?
Bret Morris
Antonin?
Joan Pedestrian
Antonym. It's the same thing as a synonym.
Kaven
No, that's different.
Paul F. Tompkins
That's the opposite.
Kaven
Oh, all right.
Joan Pedestrian
What I was trying to say.
Paul F. Tompkins
Did you know that antonym is the antonym of synonym?
Joan Pedestrian
Yes. What I'm trying to say is if never is not a synonym, then I was going to make my pointer. I wasn't thinking that it wasn't. I wasn't thinking that it was. Was not the opposite.
Paul F. Tompkins
I think I believe that that Caven is using typically as a synonym for always.
Joan Pedestrian
Is that what you were doing?
Kaven
Correct.
Joan Pedestrian
And I don't think it can be used as always.
Kaven
Oh, I love men. They're so brilliant.
Paul F. Tompkins
And that's why we're looking it up.
Bret Morris
I think it can mean always.
Paul F. Tompkins
Well, Doug, you're not helping.
Kaven
Let me. Let me say that I have no agenda.
Joan Pedestrian
This from the guy who once said, maybe onion is everywhere.
Bret Morris
Can't prove it.
Kaven
If I said, if I said if I said I typically would wake up if I don't typically wake up. What does that mean?
Joan Pedestrian
It also doesn't mean that you never wake up at a different time. That's what I'm trying to say.
Paul F. Tompkins
She left out the idea of a time.
Kaven
I didn't say anything.
Joan Pedestrian
I'm adding a time.
Kaven
Wake up every day.
Paul F. Tompkins
So typically means what happens if I don't.
Kaven
Typically. If what happens on the day that I don't wake up?
Paul F. Tompkins
You'll be dead.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh. I think that she thinks she got a confession out of you, Bert.
Paul F. Tompkins
I honestly, I could not parse that reaction.
Joan Pedestrian
Well, she stuck her finger right up in the air as if to say eureka. But she just left.
Bret Morris
Right?
Joan Pedestrian
Why don't we ask her? Haven. What did Haven. Sorry. I know a Haven, but I've never met a Cavan. What did you mean by that gesture and that response?
Kaven
Well, I'm gonna ask you one more time, and I'm gonna need you to keep up because you are dim.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh, my Lord.
Kaven
I typically wake up. What happens on the day that I. I don't.
Paul F. Tompkins
And I. I would posit that you would be dead. And that's why you haven't woken up.
Joan Pedestrian
The same thing happened was a little extra.
Paul F. Tompkins
We're not closer to an understanding.
Joan Pedestrian
Almost went into Doug's. Hello. I. I don't know why you're acting as if I can't follow along. I mean, because. Because you need to finish.
Kaven
Don't you think if I did wake up, that would be cause for alarm and maybe a RO Report?
Joan Pedestrian
You know what?
Paul F. Tompkins
Coroner's report, for sure.
Kaven
Yeah.
Joan Pedestrian
Did you make the report to. Who did you make the report to?
Kaven
To the. To my substack.
Joan Pedestrian
Okay.
Kaven
And to. And to the police. Of course. I have. I have an email. I have a contact. You do?
Bret Morris
Subwoofer stack.
Joan Pedestrian
Hold on, please. Kin. What did you say?
Paul F. Tompkins
Subwoofer stack.
Bret Morris
Yeah. I was always wondering what the sub means in subs.
Paul F. Tompkins
Oh, Doug, I. I gotta say, that was not worth it.
Joan Pedestrian
No, it really wasn't.
Kaven
Fair.
Bret Morris
You asked for clarification.
Joan Pedestrian
It can't always be worth it. You don't need to hear every single word play moment that you have.
Bret Morris
It's not word play. It's wondering what the sub is short for.
Kaven
But do you really think.
Joan Pedestrian
Why would it mean that?
Bret Morris
Why would you think substandard submarine?
Paul F. Tompkins
So you could have said anything.
Kaven
There is a subwoofer stack. But it's a woman who trains the stack concept. You have no problem trains Icelandic sheepdogs specifically.
Joan Pedestrian
Doug's gonna love that. That's right up his alley.
Bret Morris
Sounds great.
Joan Pedestrian
That's right up his alley. Okay, listen you mate Caven.
Paul F. Tompkins
Bert. You're being very frustrating. I feel like you're being willfully upset
Kaven
because I work from home and it's a pleasure that's threatening to you.
Paul F. Tompkins
It is.
Joan Pedestrian
I'm surprised you came in. I'm surprised you didn't try to do this from home.
Kaven
I had to go pick up some things at Crouches.
Joan Pedestrian
It's krauts. But what did you pick Pick up?
Kaven
Well, probably a disease from the pervert that.
Joan Pedestrian
First of all he wasn't even there
Kaven
today with the bins. But when I'm not. When I go there, I go to get my. Yeah, I go to get my juice boxes and my lemonades.
Paul F. Tompkins
Your juice boxes and lemonades?
Kaven
Powders.
Paul F. Tompkins
Powders.
Joan Pedestrian
Do you get anything in the food group?
Kaven
Not from there. No, not from there.
Paul F. Tompkins
That's a section of crosses.
Bret Morris
Yeah, they have powders food groups.
Kaven
It's called the food have to go through the.
Paul F. Tompkins
It's a membership program.
Kaven
I mean I'm not touching anything in that place with a ten foot pole.
Paul F. Tompkins
Hopefully.
Joan Pedestrian
I just. I asked that because I don't think you're eating enough. I. I don't think I know that you're sleeping. I guess enough because you take a clonapin.
Kaven
But you and my brother should get a room.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh no. That's interesting. Why. Why do you say that is all I hear about. Also I don't know that we need to get a room. Do you just mean that we agree that you're skinny.
Kaven
Cave in.
Joan Pedestrian
That doesn't mean we need to hook something.
Paul F. Tompkins
I don't think so.
Kaven
Cave in. You're delusional. Ca.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh no. Hang on.
Paul F. Tompkins
This is important.
Joan Pedestrian
Do you hear this, Bernd?
Paul F. Tompkins
Oh yeah, I'm here.
Joan Pedestrian
Your own brother is telling you you're delusional. Do you hear what you're saying?
Kaven
Well, this is a man who has a child eight years apart. What's that about?
Paul F. Tompkins
Probably a surprise. Yeah, they thought they were in the clear.
Kaven
Yeah, it was a surprise when I found out what happened to the others.
Joan Pedestrian
Okay, well perhaps they just didn't want to have all the babies that they might have been able to have. That's none of my business. That's none of your business.
Kaven
Okay.
Joan Pedestrian
We're not gonna touch on that. Do you hear that? Your mother's calling you to. She's singing. I don't know. She's. She's.
Kaven
She's.
Paul F. Tompkins
It sounds like a disagreeable song.
Kaven
Yeah, it does.
Joan Pedestrian
Caven, you know we always like to feel like we helped people, but I honestly feel like you just turned my brain around. It put me in a bad mood.
Kaven
I knew. Yeah.
Joan Pedestrian
And you called me dim, which I'm really still reeling from.
Kaven
You called me crazy.
Joan Pedestrian
I whispered it.
Paul F. Tompkins
To be fair.
Joan Pedestrian
To be fair.
Kaven
Do you know who can hear whispers?
Bret Morris
Who?
Kaven
Correct. Oh, this man is wonderful. You listen and follow everything he says.
Joan Pedestrian
All right, Kevin, listen. This is where we usually say, we wish you the best of luck. I don't know how Bern feels about that. I really. I want you to listen to your brother. The next time he's talking to you and saying these things, try to hear what he is saying. I think there is some truth to what he's saying.
Paul F. Tompkins
I guess we can. We can also say you came on here to alert people to suspicious activity. And you can consider that done.
Joan Pedestrian
Yes. So you achieve that goal. I guess.
Kaven
I don't know. He says something and all of a sudden I perk up and I enjoy it. And then you say stuff.
Joan Pedestrian
You called my husband a pervert. More than once. I just. I'm not sure I can tolerate that.
Paul F. Tompkins
Let me try something. Let me say something. Kavan, I think you need to seek professional psychiatric help.
Kaven
I think that you need to stop trying to convince me.
Paul F. Tompkins
Oh, it didn't work.
Joan Pedestrian
Meant to be. There you go. I feel vindicated.
Kaven
Rubbled. You pervert.
Joan Pedestrian
Now you're the pervert.
Paul F. Tompkins
Now I've been tarp with the pervert.
Joan Pedestrian
Well, now Dim sounds pretty good. I'm sitting over here just being dim.
Kaven
You do deserve each other. Enjoy your little cave.
Joan Pedestrian
Okay. Our cave.
Paul F. Tompkins
Okay? We're just in a kitchen. All right, Caven, you're a very frustrating person. And thank you.
Kaven
I'm not going to make it easy for you perverts. I'm going to.
Joan Pedestrian
Well, you certainly haven't made it easy for us right now.
Kaven
What? You're not. You're not allowed to just run free and do your perverting? No perverting. I am going to stand in the way. I'm an obstacle.
Paul F. Tompkins
Okay, but you do have to leave.
Joan Pedestrian
Yeah, you do, actually. You need to leave right now.
Bret Morris
You can take a gift bag on your way out.
Joan Pedestrian
Can I just start doing gift bags?
Kaven
I need what's in the gift bag. Nice thing you put in the gift bag. This stuff.
Joan Pedestrian
Dental floss. Baby, put dental floss in the bag.
Bret Morris
Dental floss.
Paul F. Tompkins
There's this little finger dentist at Halloween.
Bret Morris
I need little finger puppets. There's little finger.
Kaven
I don't like these kind of light bulbs. No, thank you.
Joan Pedestrian
Light bulb.
Bret Morris
Light bulbs.
Kaven
I don't. Oh. Oh, I can't eat that.
Paul F. Tompkins
What is it?
Kaven
It's a peanut. It's got food in it.
Paul F. Tompkins
It's got food in it.
Joan Pedestrian
It's got food in it.
Kaven
Interested?
Joan Pedestrian
All right. Caven? Well, I don't know. Get out of here.
Paul F. Tompkins
We'll return with the Never Listen when the Never Listen returns.
Kaven
Bye. Slut.
Joan Pedestrian
This is a paid message from GoFundMe. Meet Juan Naula. When his son was hospitalized for a viral infection, Juan started a GoFundMe to pay for medical expenses.
Bret Morris
It was 5k to pay the bill for my son and I need only 22 hours. It was amazing. People really trust on GoFundMe.
Joan Pedestrian
How did Juan raise $5,000 in less than a day? He posted a short video on GoFundMe telling his story in 30 seconds.
Paul F. Tompkins
30 seconds.
Bret Morris
Be specific. Be quick and tell. What are you gonna be using the funds for? I was nervous to do it because it doesn't feel okay to ask money. But you shouldn't be nervous. Sometimes you just have to do it and see the results or we were able to save my son's life thanks to gofundme that we still have my son with us.
Joan Pedestrian
Start your GoFundMe today at gofundme.com that's gofundme.com gofundme.com this message reflects one person's experience.
Kaven
Hey, this is Scott.
Joan Pedestrian
I got a Sport electric scooter. 14 tires, 48 volt battery with charger. Excellent. $160 scooter is in perfect new condition and everything was perfectly on it, including headlights and tail lights and computer screen. Puncture resistant tires, adjustable seat and handlebars, thick cushion and gone up to 40 miles an hour. The lock on the rear basket trunk is not working. Super long battery life and fast recharge. Comes with 500 watt charger. Please ask for more pictures or information or video of it working. I'll respond quickly. Cannot hold or deliver. First here gets it sells for hundreds more. Great deal. You can check it all out and write it before you buy. Disneyland area. The scooter is just like brand new and the tires are perfect with nowhere on them. Worst Father's Day present ever. Come get it.
Paul F. Tompkins
And welcome back to the neighborhood. Listen, Kevin was A delusional person.
Joan Pedestrian
Truly disturbed. I'm so disturbed by her. She was disturbed. Disturbing.
Paul F. Tompkins
Then she was not fun to talk to.
Joan Pedestrian
No. She called. She called me a slut at the end there. Did you hear that? She called Doug a pervert.
Paul F. Tompkins
Called you a dim slut.
Joan Pedestrian
A dim slut.
Paul F. Tompkins
I was spared her ire till the very end. I became a pervert.
Joan Pedestrian
Yes.
Paul F. Tompkins
Suggesting that she needed some help. What if she's right sometimes?
Joan Pedestrian
Oh, burn. Don't do that. Of course she's not right. What are you talking about?
Paul F. Tompkins
Someone's going into trafficking. Going?
Joan Pedestrian
You cannot lean into that.
Paul F. Tompkins
Why did they suddenly park in the garage?
Joan Pedestrian
They do it all the time. I'm sure you're gonna start making everyone crazy.
Paul F. Tompkins
I won't. I promise I won't.
Joan Pedestrian
All right, babe, did you get back into the pinball area?
Bret Morris
No, I'm stuck.
Joan Pedestrian
Where are you?
Bret Morris
I am in the hot tub in the basement.
Joan Pedestrian
In the ball.
Bret Morris
The ball fell perfectly in the hot tub. And so now it's in this, like, perfect divot.
Paul F. Tompkins
The hot tub's not on.
Joan Pedestrian
I was gonna say, if it is, then it's heating you up.
Paul F. Tompkins
You're boiling.
Bret Morris
Yeah, it's boiling you pretty hot. Wow.
Joan Pedestrian
Okay.
Bret Morris
But I made the ball. But the ball is getting very hot because it's metal. All right.
Joan Pedestrian
Okay, then we're going to make this section quick.
Paul F. Tompkins
Shouldn't leave that basement hot tub on all the time.
Joan Pedestrian
Definitely not. I don't even know. We were thinking with a basement hot tub. I know it wasn't.
Bret Morris
Well, it's annoying because when you want to go into a hot tub and it's not on, you want it to be kind of impulsive.
Paul F. Tompkins
Oh, yeah. You want. You want to turn a corner, see a hot tub on, and just jump in.
Joan Pedestrian
You don't want to have to plan your hot tubs. You want to get the feeling for it.
Bret Morris
Sure. Just like, immediately take off all your clothes.
Paul F. Tompkins
Get in there.
Bret Morris
Yeah, yeah. Then you try.
Joan Pedestrian
I require clothing for our hot tub.
Paul F. Tompkins
Now, the idea was you were. You were trying to make it look like a natural hot spring, and that's why it's in the basement, right?
Bret Morris
Yes, that's right.
Paul F. Tompkins
So you have a dirt.
Joan Pedestrian
It's like an in ground trampoline, but it's just. It's. It's flush with the. It's flush with the floor.
Bret Morris
Yes, exactly. And there's. They. There's those. Those monkeys in it, you know, replicas.
Paul F. Tompkins
They love those monkeys that love a house.
Joan Pedestrian
You know those.
Bret Morris
Yeah, those. Those are my favorite.
Joan Pedestrian
I know. They're your favorite. You love their super red.
Bret Morris
Don't want to hang out with them.
Paul F. Tompkins
And you've also. You've somehow, like, pumped in the smell of eggs.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh, gosh.
Paul F. Tompkins
To make it seem more sulfurous.
Joan Pedestrian
It's the worst. That's the stuff you can't smell on those natural graphics. I'll tell you what.
Paul F. Tompkins
What?
Bret Morris
That's the stuff you can't tell on. You can't smell.
Paul F. Tompkins
That's what you can't smell on the graphics. It's like, what?
Joan Pedestrian
Oh, wow. Was it that unintelligible.
Paul F. Tompkins
It was pretty. It was one of those things where it took me a second to process. That's something that you can't smell on those National Geographics. I'll tell you why.
Joan Pedestrian
You got it. You got it.
Bret Morris
That imp. That process. Talking about those things you can't do with National Geographic.
Joan Pedestrian
Sure.
Bret Morris
I'll tell you what. And we've been talking about the things
Paul F. Tompkins
you can do with them. All right, we have one more post, and this is in the for sale section. And this is very confusing to me.
Kaven
This is.
Paul F. Tompkins
Larry posted this. Modern white staircase, $500. Oh, a staircase. That's.
Bret Morris
That's.
Joan Pedestrian
Is there a picture that is.
Paul F. Tompkins
Now that is. That is interesting enough that somebody's selling a staircase. Yes. It's a stylish white staircase with metal railing.
Bret Morris
Modern.
Joan Pedestrian
And then that could be like a short story, but it's already so interesting.
Paul F. Tompkins
You look at the picture.
Joan Pedestrian
And he used.
Paul F. Tompkins
Would you like to describe staircase?
Joan Pedestrian
Yes.
Paul F. Tompkins
Modern white staircase.
Joan Pedestrian
Modern white staircase.
Paul F. Tompkins
Stylish metal railings. What do you see in this picture?
Joan Pedestrian
I don't see any staircase.
Paul F. Tompkins
That's the headline. No staircase.
Joan Pedestrian
Start off right there.
Paul F. Tompkins
Yes.
Joan Pedestrian
It looks like there's a diorama on a table. Table. And then just an open box and a couch.
Paul F. Tompkins
It's a blurry photo.
Joan Pedestrian
It is a blurry photo with zero staircase.
Paul F. Tompkins
Here's what I'm gonna say. Yeah, I just sent it to you.
Bret Morris
Doug. Huh?
Joan Pedestrian
Do you see a staircase, Doug?
Bret Morris
Do you think that's a picture of him trying to post the picture of the staircase?
Joan Pedestrian
You mean he should have flipped the camera around?
Bret Morris
I see somebody on their phone.
Joan Pedestrian
This is like when you're trying to log into some sort of dumb account. And it's like, identify all the staircases. And you have to click on all the squares with the staircase.
Paul F. Tompkins
Let me describe to the listener what I see.
Joan Pedestrian
Okay.
Paul F. Tompkins
All right. So we're in a. We're in a room of some kind. There is a glass door on the left. Light is coming in through the door. It looks like an office building. Actually. A little bit in the bottom left corner, there's a hand holding a phone. And I guess there's like an envelope, A big, you know, brown envelope. And then to the right of the screen, you see what looks like either a chair.
Bret Morris
Chair.
Paul F. Tompkins
Or part of a couch. And then in the back, in the background, what you see is what looks like the back end of a car.
Joan Pedestrian
It is. Okay, see now because there's these two red lights. It looks like there's two red lamps.
Paul F. Tompkins
Tail lights.
Joan Pedestrian
So is it the back of a pickup truck?
Bret Morris
It looks like a fake garage.
Paul F. Tompkins
Well, we could be in a garage, but the doors are not garage doors. Doors. But there's like the flatbed of an old fashioned pickup truck. No wheels.
Joan Pedestrian
It's on a coffee table. It's on an end table. It's very strange.
Paul F. Tompkins
Well, I don't think it's on an air table. I think it's attached to the wall.
Joan Pedestrian
Like a piece of art.
Paul F. Tompkins
Yes, but also it's like a shelf, kind of. You could put stuff on it.
Joan Pedestrian
Yes, it's like a shelf. It's like it's resting on the shelf. It makes no sense, honestly.
Paul F. Tompkins
It's not resting on the shelf.
Joan Pedestrian
It's very disturbing.
Paul F. Tompkins
It's not resting on a shelf.
Joan Pedestrian
Okay. It looked like a shelf.
Paul F. Tompkins
It's a shelf in its shelf.
Joan Pedestrian
It's a shelf in itself.
Paul F. Tompkins
This, this, this thing, like they've put stuff on the bed of the truck as if it's just like a normal shelf. Yeah, the, the lights are illuminating.
Joan Pedestrian
That would be. Hang on a second. Hang on. I'm getting. That would be a good. Like now when she's in her kitchen and you're getting like a vision. I am. I am. So she could be. This is. Something's got to give. She could be like. And look at this kitchen. It is for myself. Look at this Lazy Susan. It's a shelf for yourself.
Bret Morris
What?
Kaven
Right.
Paul F. Tompkins
No, I mean, since you asked.
Bret Morris
Right.
Paul F. Tompkins
I say no. Lazy Susan is shelf.
Bret Morris
Shelf for yourself.
Paul F. Tompkins
The shelf for yourself.
Joan Pedestrian
What?
Bret Morris
That's what you said.
Paul F. Tompkins
How dare you. What? Hear the source of the what?
Bret Morris
When she comes out of these visions, sometimes she doesn't even know what she just said.
Joan Pedestrian
No, you guys, you are out for approximately 30 seconds. Separate things. She's walking through and naming things. It's like, like, look at this trove. Treasures untold. How many wonders can one. It's like, here's a dinglehopper. Here's a candlestick. Here's a thing. Like In Little Mermaid, she calls a fork a dinglehopper. Don't you remember? The seagull says, what is it?
Paul F. Tompkins
I've never seen it.
Joan Pedestrian
You've never seen Little Mermaid? Why would I see it, Joy?
Paul F. Tompkins
I mean, I don't have children. I was too old.
Bret Morris
I thought you meant Something's gotta be.
Joan Pedestrian
You do not need children to enjoy litter. I was a child when I watched it. You could have seen it as a child.
Paul F. Tompkins
Hold on a second.
Joan Pedestrian
I didn't have children either when I first saw it. What, am I yelling again?
Paul F. Tompkins
Again?
Kaven
Why?
Paul F. Tompkins
I'm saying. I'm not saying that. I guess it didn't occur to me that there would be anything for me there at the time when it came out.
Joan Pedestrian
Wow. It came out when we. You would have been young as well. You would have been a young person.
Paul F. Tompkins
That young.
Joan Pedestrian
I mean, you know, I. I guess
Paul F. Tompkins
probably even my 20s.
Joan Pedestrian
I don't think there's anything wrong with seeing a movie that's about Disney.
Paul F. Tompkins
And I never said there was anything wrong with a movie about.
Joan Pedestrian
Listen to me. She's in. That's what I realize. I shouldn't have said it that way. Good catch, babe. What I'm saying is, she's in the kitchen and she's naming things. In the kitchen. So she names. She's playing with the lazy Susan. And then she gestures over to a shelf. There's a shelf for yourself.
Paul F. Tompkins
And what does that mean to you?
Joan Pedestrian
It means she didn't necessarily need it. It's decorative. I put it in there for myself because I wanted cute things on it.
Paul F. Tompkins
Okay, so you put cute things on the shelf that's for yourself.
Joan Pedestrian
That's right.
Paul F. Tompkins
Yes.
Joan Pedestrian
But you guys had to chew my head off.
Paul F. Tompkins
Well, Joan, you weren't making any sense.
Bret Morris
I think it was great, babe.
Joan Pedestrian
I was making sense to myself, and
Paul F. Tompkins
that's all that matters. Unless you're putting on a production where people need to understand what's going on.
Joan Pedestrian
I am in the creative process right now.
Paul F. Tompkins
Understood.
Joan Pedestrian
I am in development.
Bret Morris
No, wrong answer.
Paul F. Tompkins
I'm looking out for future Joan.
Bret Morris
All right?
Paul F. Tompkins
If you would like to. If you'd like to see this picture of this. Whatever the hell is going on here,
Joan Pedestrian
I don't like it.
Paul F. Tompkins
Follow us on Instagram. You know what? You don't even have to follow us. You can just go to our Instagram.
Joan Pedestrian
You can do this.
Paul F. Tompkins
No pressure. No pressure.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh, and by the way, I want to shout out someone. Made sure to mention that we have someone listening from South Korea. And two people from Brazil.
Paul F. Tompkins
Two people from Brazil. Two and they haven't urged us to come to Brazil yet.
Joan Pedestrian
I don't know yet. I don't know anything about that. I had just mentioned they were referring to our Argentinian friend. And then someone said, just so you know, you have a listener from Brazil. Two, in fact, and one from South Korea. So thank you so much.
Bret Morris
We should tour that there. Have you seen those shows they play?
Joan Pedestrian
I don't know. Two people warrants a tour.
Bret Morris
Like those. Iron Maiden. Iron Maiden and in Brazil.
Joan Pedestrian
No. What are.
Bret Morris
You haven't seen unbelievable amounts of people.
Paul F. Tompkins
Oh, you're saying they just show up to the venue no matter what?
Joan Pedestrian
Or we open for Iron Maiden. Do you think our podcast should open for Iron Maiden?
Paul F. Tompkins
Like when the Neil diamond impersonator opened for Pearl Jam, did that happen?
Joan Pedestrian
She didn't see the movie.
Paul F. Tompkins
It did happen.
Bret Morris
Wow.
Paul F. Tompkins
It happened in real life, and it happened in the documentary, and then it happened in the movie.
Joan Pedestrian
Movie.
Bret Morris
Wow.
Paul F. Tompkins
Wow. So that story's been told.
Joan Pedestrian
He's been told. Right? That story's run its course. Okay, great. And so is this podcast episode.
Paul F. Tompkins
If you would like to treat yourself to something. A moment of unexpected joy.
Joan Pedestrian
I know what you're gonna say.
Paul F. Tompkins
There's a moment in Songsung Blue. Pivotal moment from one of the characters. Pivotal moment in my life.
Joan Pedestrian
Really?
Paul F. Tompkins
Yes.
Joan Pedestrian
Okay.
Paul F. Tompkins
Because it's something that really delighted me, and I will. I will have it forever. If you can guess what it is, is. Why don't you. Why don't you post your guesses in the discord?
Joan Pedestrian
There you go. There you go.
Bret Morris
And the dig cord.
Paul F. Tompkins
And the dig.
Joan Pedestrian
And the dig cord.
Bret Morris
Yes, we check the dig chord a
Paul F. Tompkins
lot more than we do check the dig cord hourly.
Bret Morris
We're super engaged in there. Talk to everybody.
Paul F. Tompkins
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. The dig cord. I feel like I've made friends with a lot of people. Yeah.
Joan Pedestrian
Well, at the beginning of this post this episode, you're saying men can't be friends. So I have a par.
Bret Morris
Can't be friends.
Joan Pedestrian
We.
Paul F. Tompkins
We just don't know anything about each other.
Bret Morris
We know how much fun we have.
Paul F. Tompkins
Friendship is. We do know how much fun we have. Doug.
Bret Morris
That's right.
Kaven
Okay.
Joan Pedestrian
What were you gonna say?
Paul F. Tompkins
Who cares?
Bret Morris
Another delightful thing.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh, boy.
Bret Morris
Do you want to treat yourself?
Paul F. Tompkins
Yeah, sure I do. Sure we all do.
Bret Morris
Sign up for CBB World on the Maximus plan.
Paul F. Tompkins
Doug, that was wonderful. Yes. And you can gain access to our bonus room content in addition to ad free episodes, which is most episodes. But you can also hear our Bon. Our movie watch alongs, our double date Recordings.
Bret Morris
I dare say pivotal moments happen in those bonus rooms.
Paul F. Tompkins
1,000% correct.
Joan Pedestrian
A lot of them do.
Paul F. Tompkins
Absolutely.
Joan Pedestrian
You actually can miss a lot.
Paul F. Tompkins
Absolutely. It all goes down in the bonus room.
Joan Pedestrian
And also, if you like to enjoy yourself, you could watch Little Mermaid, for God's sake.
Paul F. Tompkins
Yeah, you could. Maybe I will.
Joan Pedestrian
That'd be great. For once. I don't know what that meant. We should just stop. I think I need to go put a cold towel on my head.
Paul F. Tompkins
We should, you know,
Bret Morris
And if you could just maybe turn the hot tub down before you do that.
Paul F. Tompkins
Are we talking, like, what size towel?
Joan Pedestrian
Are we talking bigger than you think?
Paul F. Tompkins
Like a bath towel?
Joan Pedestrian
Like a. Like, yeah, as thick and. No, like kind of the towel that you get in a hotel where you're supposed to wipe your feet on the. On the. When you get out of the shower.
Paul F. Tompkins
Oh, bath mat.
Joan Pedestrian
Kind of like a bath mat towel.
Kaven
Yeah.
Paul F. Tompkins
What's a bath mat sheet?
Joan Pedestrian
A bath towel? No.
Paul F. Tompkins
You ever try to buy towels online and they. So they have a bath towel, but then also a bath sheet.
Joan Pedestrian
Never heard of that. Is it like a fitted towel? That would be frustrating. Maybe you're supposed to stick your arms and legs in it, you know, Vitruvius style, and then you just dry off. That'd be kind of a fun towel. Wouldn't you like that, babe? Yeah, Vitruvius towel. You just get in there and then you stretch and then you move a little and then you do it on the other side.
Bret Morris
Love that.
Joan Pedestrian
Should have a great idea. Should we go to Shark Tank with that?
Paul F. Tompkins
It's nothing but a great idea to do the work.
Bret Morris
Tank.
Joan Pedestrian
Let the towel do the work.
Paul F. Tompkins
Exactly. Now, my approach to that was, you know, in a hotel, I would put the towel on the bed and then I would lie down on that, and then another towel on top of me and just let.
Joan Pedestrian
How do you get the other towel on top of you by yourself?
Paul F. Tompkins
It's just a towel. It's not that hard.
Joan Pedestrian
I know, but it's sort of hard to do. I don't know, to cover yourself just right.
Paul F. Tompkins
I. Well, okay, here's you, woman. Do you want to know my secret?
Joan Pedestrian
I do.
Paul F. Tompkins
My secret.
Joan Pedestrian
I do.
Bret Morris
Then I'll tell my secret.
Paul F. Tompkins
Okay, I. I whoosh out the towel.
Joan Pedestrian
Huh?
Paul F. Tompkins
Then it's all the way down at my feet. Then I grasp it and I pull it up over me.
Joan Pedestrian
I see.
Bret Morris
You know what?
Joan Pedestrian
I had you. I had you face down. I have you doing face down on the towel that's on the bed. And then grasping for another towel to
Kaven
Put up over you.
Paul F. Tompkins
That seems like a lot of work.
Joan Pedestrian
Well, that's why I reacted that way.
Paul F. Tompkins
Yeah. No, I'm lying. I'm lying. Lying face up.
Kaven
Okay.
Paul F. Tompkins
And pull the towel over me like a shroud.
Joan Pedestrian
That makes sense.
Bret Morris
Here's what I do.
Paul F. Tompkins
And then I just let the. The towels do their work.
Kaven
Okay. Yeah.
Bret Morris
Whenever Joan and I are in a hotel or motel.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh, this is a secret. Rarely a motel.
Bret Morris
You know, they have those signs in the bathroom sometimes that say you can either hang up the towel or just throw it on the ground. Yeah. It starts making me feel.
Paul F. Tompkins
And they try to pressure you, like if you give a.
Joan Pedestrian
About you care about the earth or even about us.
Paul F. Tompkins
We do.
Bret Morris
So I like to. Because that confuses me and I start to feel guilty.
Joan Pedestrian
I've seen Doug. He'll just stand in the bathroom for like 13 minutes.
Bret Morris
Yeah. Just reading that, making sure I really get it.
Joan Pedestrian
Deliberating. Yeah.
Bret Morris
So what I do is I try to avoid using the towels at all.
Paul F. Tompkins
Yeah, absolutely.
Bret Morris
I have Joan turn on the clothes iron and just kind of just waft that.
Joan Pedestrian
It's like steaming him. I don't like it either.
Paul F. Tompkins
I don't like it.
Joan Pedestrian
It's gone wrong several times.
Paul F. Tompkins
Absolutely. Then protective services gets involved.
Joan Pedestrian
That's why I am the legal guardian of Doug.
Bret Morris
Yeah.
Paul F. Tompkins
Doug's changing at the gym. They see a burn mark. Iron burn on him.
Bret Morris
Yeah.
Paul F. Tompkins
I have kind of good times.
Joan Pedestrian
But of course, he made a lot of iron man jokes and he loved that.
Bret Morris
Yeah. And I have a kind of a tramp stamp now. That looks like an iron.
Joan Pedestrian
Right.
Paul F. Tompkins
Interesting.
Joan Pedestrian
Okay. Well, we got more out of that than we thought we were going to do.
Paul F. Tompkins
We really did. Thank you for listening. And we'll be back next week with an all new episode of the Neighborhood Listen. And it'll be our season finale.
Joan Pedestrian
Whoa. That went by fast.
Paul F. Tompkins
It really did. It really did.
Joan Pedestrian
What's the matter, babe?
Bret Morris
Oh, that makes me sad.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh, makes Escrow sad, too. He's meowing away.
Paul F. Tompkins
I don't know if we did enough of our runners. We barely talked about my twin brother.
Joan Pedestrian
We're going to listen. It's all going to happen in the season finale. You're the one who didn't listen. I can't get the information out of you when I asked three times and you just, you know, you sort of like basically shuff me, shuffle me off or slough me off, whatever you. You want to say. I'm not going to ask any more questions about it. I want you to come ready, come correct with information about?
Paul F. Tompkins
I have information. All you wanted, all you cared about was the incident.
Joan Pedestrian
No.
Paul F. Tompkins
Or it's something that affects you, you know.
Joan Pedestrian
Oh, now, come on. This does. What are you talking about? This. This affects me just as much.
Paul F. Tompkins
Joan. I feel like we've been very contentious this whole episode, and it's not like us. And I want to say I'm sorry.
Joan Pedestrian
Thank you for that.
Paul F. Tompkins
God damn it. All right, goodbye and bye.
Joan Pedestrian
All of the posts used in this episode, only some geographical specifics have been changed.
Paul F. Tompkins
The Neighborhood Listen is hosted and produced by me, Paul F. Tompkins, and me,
Bret Morris
Nicole Parker, and me, Bret Morris.
Joan Pedestrian
This episode's guest was played by Mikayla Watkins.
Paul F. Tompkins
The Neighborhood Listen is a production of Comedy Bang Bang world.
Joan Pedestrian
Go to cbbworld.com to unlock the entire history of the show ad free, as well as brand new full length bonus room episodes exclusive to Maxima subscribers. Your support keeps the show.
Kaven
Hi, I am Mandy Moore.
Paul F. Tompkins
Sterling K. Brown. And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast that Was Us now on Headgum.
Joan Pedestrian
Each episode we're gonna go into a deep dive from our show.
Kaven
This is us.
Bret Morris
That's right.
Joan Pedestrian
We're gonna go episode by episode.
Kaven
We're also gonna pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors.
Paul F. Tompkins
Are we gonna cry? Yes, a little bit. Are we gonna laugh a lot?
Kaven
A whole lot.
Paul F. Tompkins
That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to. That was us on your favorite podcast. Episodes on YouTube or Spotify. New episodes every Tuesday.
This episode of The Neighborhood Listen takes listeners through another wild ride in Dignity Falls, blending improvised comedy with real neighborhood social app posts. The central post under discussion: a neighbor suspiciously reports that someone drove directly into their garage—normally they park outside—prompting escalating paranoia and comic investigation. Michaela Watkins appears in character as "Kaven," the hyper-alert, idiosyncratic neighbor who wrote the post, and the episode follows her convoluted logic and suspicion to hilarious extremes. Meanwhile, the hosts riff on local happenings, their own ongoing storylines, and Doug's perpetual inventiveness (this week: a human-sized pinball machine).
| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote / Moment | |-----------|---------------------|---------------------------------------------------------------------| | 03:35 | Joan | "It's the feminine overdrive talking. Is that a t-shirt?" | | 08:33 | Joan | “Let’s not say human balls. Just a gigantic plastic inflatable…” | | 19:29 | Joan (singing) | "Waking up another day / Stuck in middle age / I'm filled with so much rage…" | | 35:47 | Paul/Joan to Kaven | “No, you’re gorgeous… you’re a beautiful lady… You’re stunning.” | | 43:18 | Kaven | "Depends on what’s going on outside, what I see. I report what I see to my readers." | | 56:03 | Kaven | "If you’re out after 4pm, you’re not looking to have a nice chat with somebody. You’re looking for trouble." | | 64:12 | Kaven | “Know your place.” (after being complimented) | | 66:34 | Joan | “You think Doug is the voice in your head. You are the voice in your head.” | | 67:01 | Kaven | "I am put on this planet to question the motives of every single human." | | 78:54 | Joan | “You called me dim, which I'm still reeling from.” | | 83:30 | Paul | "Kevin was a delusional person." | | 83:42 | Joan | "She called Doug a pervert. She called me a dim slut." | | 98:54 | Paul | "I want to say I'm sorry." | | 98:56 | Joan | "Thank you for that." |
The episode stands out for its high-energy, quick-witted, and absurdly detailed character improvisation, reflective of all participants’ comedic styles. As always, the tone is playful, surreal, and occasionally biting, with frequent callbacks and meta-commentary. The central interview with Kaven exemplifies the blend of neighborly concern and comic escalation that defines the show—revealing as much about the anxieties and foibles of neighborhood life as about the characters themselves.
You’ll get a full-on farce of neighborhood suspicion spiraling into comic absurdity, a musical sneak peek full of midlife rage, and some real laughs at the peculiarities of human behavior as obsessively observed through local social networking. Plus: pinball machines, molded bangs, bulk rice shaming, and why you should always double-check who’s sending those “Look out!” flyers.
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