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Audio for sleep by hatch.
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Hello and good evening everyone. I'm Josh and this is the nightly from Hatch where your late night thoughts go to rest. It's so nice to be chatting with you tonight. It's just me hosting, but I've got a caller calling in, sharing some of their late night thoughts, their late night opinions. If you ever want to do the same, you're more than welcome to. We would love to hear from you on the show. You can email in at thenightlyatch co. And we always want to hear from you if there's something that you've been thinking about late at night. If you're, you know, you're just thinking about like, oh, why did they discontinue my, my favorite pen? I want to hear about that. If you have like a big time intramural volleyball competition at your work that you're like getting geared up for and you want to hear a pep talk or you want to just kind of talk through your feelings about that, I want to hear from you in that regard too. Send us a voice memo if you don't want to even call. If you're just like, oh, I just want to play this and hear your response. That's great too. I have been thinking about this lately. My wife and I took a little trip out of town and we, we brought our dog, Maggie, who is like a fluffy little pug. She's such a sweetie. She loves every person. She will meet a stranger and she'll be, she'll want to make best friends with them. She'll jump up on them and lick them. And she just loves people. And she is, as I think I've mentioned on the show before, a little scrappy with other dogs. And sometimes she just wants to play and then other times she does really want to fight. And it's hard to know, but we went up out of the city for about four days and you know, we were in a little town in upstate New York and Maggie was so at ease. She, like, loved the country life. But the thing that really knocked me out about this trip was that away from our home, she was so much more relaxed around other dogs. Like, I don't know if she just thought like, you know, if something goes askew here, if something gets weird up here, not my problem. I don't have to vigilantly protect my home the way I have to in Brooklyn, New York, where I be Maggie the 20 pound pug, where I'm in charge of defending my household. She takes that obligation very seriously, which is so Funny to me. And it was just really nice to see her, like, a little less under duress and a little more open to friendship with the dogs she met. So I think we're gonna try to introduce her to some other. Some more, you know, new dogs and see what that does outside, like, some other family pets in the extended family bringing her places and just seeing how she reacts away from, like, our little New York apartment. And hopefully, you know, I think she feels very happy and at ease at home when it's just us. But she does. The doorbell goes off and she's flustered, or she sees a dog, especially right in front of our building, and she's like, well, this is an intruder, obviously. So I hope that this trend of her feeling really calm around other dogs can continue and it's something we can bring home a little bit. And I've just been thinking about how nice it. That she's felt so calm lately. We have a listener caller today, as I mentioned. And so without further ado, I'd like to welcome our caller Lucy to the show. Hi, Lucy.
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Hi, Josh.
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Thanks so much for joining me on the Nightly tonight.
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Thanks for having me.
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Of course. Where are you calling from, Lucy?
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I'm calling in from New York City.
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Excellent. That's a great place to be. Conference. It's where you're calling, too, as well.
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Yeah.
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What brings you to the show this evening? What would you like to talk about? What's been on your mind?
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So I wanted to talk about, so obviously caveating that sort of, like, love languages are relatively made up. My partner really likes affirmations.
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Okay.
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That's not really in my personal wheelhouse of skills. And the thing that I get hung up on or like, I don't think I understand is the difference between a compliment and an affirmation.
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Interesting.
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My partner insists that this is different. Okay, but I don't know.
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But you don't know. Okay, how, like, what does it look like when you do it wrong?
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Well, sometimes they'll just, like, straight up be like, give me some affirmations.
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Interesting. Okay.
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Like, in a funny way. But so. And I'll. I'll say something like, I don't know, a compliment, I guess what he considers a compliment. And he'll be like, that's not an affirmation.
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That's a compliment. What is a compliment? You've tried, if that's not too personal a question to ask.
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Oh, I don't know. I'm just. I think maybe it's not even a compliment. I'll do like a Lot of just, like, oh, thanks for, like, doing XYZ thing for, you know, our household or that is really. Or something.
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That's really lovely. I think that's a very kind and generous thing to say, certainly. But it doesn't scratch the affirmation itch.
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Yes.
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Okay.
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I don't think I have this requirement as a person, and so, like, it's hard for me to land on what is correctly an affirmation.
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I understand. I mean, I don't have a full 360 picture of, like, what the right thing to do is, but I bet we can kind of hash it out. What are. Like, okay, so compliments are not the thing. Have you nailed it ever?
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I don't know. I think also, like, I will say something, and I think I'm being genuine, but, like, my. My husband and I have such, like, a sarcastic nature in our communication that it will also, like, kind of come off as sarcastic.
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Okay, Interesting. That's tricky.
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That can be tough for me.
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Okay.
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Because I'm not trying to be sarcastic, but I think, like, that's just how I'm speaking or something.
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Yeah. Okay. This is really. This is a little thorny. I understand it. And, like, what. What is. Okay. What happens? Have you asked him, like, what's an example of one of these?
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Yeah. And here's the thing. Okay. It's like, he's given me examples, and in that moment, I'm like, yes, I. I hear you totally. And then it just, like, immediately leaves.
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Yep. I understand.
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Like, he has this thing where he's like, he knows that I have a strong feeling about putting tomatoes in the fridge or not putting them in the fridge, but he can't remember which it is, you know?
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Okay. Yep. For sure. Which is.
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And this is like. I'm like, I understand that there is a difference between a compliment and an affirmation, but I can't.
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But it doesn't stick. Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Okay. Which is your tomato preference?
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You. Not in the fridge.
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Like, not in the fridge.
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Flavor.
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Interesting. Okay. Okay. So you under. You've been made to understand. This is. My wife has had this experience. I don't think I'm telling tales out of school to say this, but she's had this experience with the blockchain where a friend of hers who works in kind of, I guess, had a company that worked in web 3.0, would call her and be like, this is what I'm working on. What do you think about it? And she would. She would be like, oh, this sounds really interesting. And then they would get off the phone, I'd say, like, oh, what have they been working on? And she'd be like, oh, it's gone. I cannot describe it any longer.
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This is how I feel about. My best friend is doing a PhD in, like, ecology. And I'm like, I don't. I'm like, it's about birds. And that. That's what I can keep in my mind.
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Yeah, that's. And that's. That's your job. That's all your job is to know, is that it's about birds.
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I'm like, I really am listening. And then it's immediately leaving me.
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Okay, what are there. So, like, when you say you and your husband. Because I agree. Like, obviously the, like, book that is specifically like, the Five Love Languages or whatever is like, a little. I mean, it's made up. But, like, what are the ways that. Because I'm trying to, like, reverse engineer these affirmations has. So a couple questions. So he's never been like, this is what, like, say it like this. Repeat after me. Follow the bouncing ball.
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Well, I think it's one of those things, like, if you have to ask for an apology, it doesn't count. Or it feels like it doesn't count.
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I agree. But if you didn't know what an apology was, I think it would be good for some to explain to you what an apology sounds like.
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I think he's, like, explaining sort of like, it's something about, like, the quality of you.
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Okay.
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You know what I mean? This shirt is. Yeah, you look good in that shirt. It's like you. Your style is so interesting that you pick. I don't get.
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I think. Okay, I think I hear. I feel that difference. And it's like almost the opposite of an I statement. Right. Like the.
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Yeah.
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The kind of therapy tool of, like, I feel this way. Instead of being like, you are being annoying, you're like, right, I am frustrated with this. But this is the opposite. Instead of being like, I like your shirt, it's like, yeah, you have such great taste. And I admire the way that your taste suits your personal vision for yourself or whatever.
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Yes. That is a great affirmation. You're a natural.
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Thank you. It is one of my only skills. Before we key in on this directly. What is your feeling of that? Like, where does your feeling of validation come from if it's not affirmations? Because we've as we've established pretty slippery concept for you.
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Yeah, for me, I think for me, I'm very. I really value, like, spending time together. I come From a family. Another point of tension sometimes between me and my partner. I come from, like, a asking family. I don't know what you call this, but, like, we are, like, all the time, like, can you get me a glass of water?
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Can you get me.
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And that's, like, very reciprocated and normal in my family. Um, and it's not. And drives, like, my husband insane because he's just like, you're always asking me for things. And I'm like, well, you should always be asking me for things.
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Like, Right. That's. That's what it is. You ask me for things that are easy for you to ask you. I understand. But he's like, I do my things, you do your things. Then all the things still get done.
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I don't know. They're coming from, like, rugged, individualist. I would never get someone else water culture.
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I would never get someone else water. I wouldn't bring you a glass of water if you were on fire. Okay. This is all such helpful context, I guess. And this is, like, kind of a vulnerable thing. But your husband isn't here. I don't think so. This is, like, a fully safe space to take a swing and get it right or get off base. What are some things that you really like about your husband?
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Okay, well, right now, we're in a phase. We have two young children.
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Yeah.
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So one of the things that I love about him the most right now is just, like, seeing him with our kids and the way he interacts with them. And he's very sweet and patient. Even when I can tell he's very annoyed. But I don't think. I hope the kids can't tell you what I mean. I think he does, like, a pretty decent job most of the time with that, and that's definitely a big thing right now with us.
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That's really lovely.
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Very funny. But that's a compliment.
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I've been told that you're very funny as a compliment.
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And he's smart. So, like, I like those things, but those are compliments.
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But those are, like, attributes. Sure, sure, sure. It's like, to him, that's like being like, I like that you are five. Eleven and a half.
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Yes. Yeah. That is always my joking affirmation when I'm vamping to try and give myself time, because I always jokingly say, you're so tall. That's very funny because he is 6:3,
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so that's very funny. Yep, that's tall. But that doesn't count.
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That does not count.
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That's interesting.
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That's just Something I say while I'm.
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No, I think that's really, that's really interesting because to me I like. I guess smart and funny to him are just like. No, that's just like what I. That's the, the water we're swimming in here. But like I do have you told him about the patience with the young? Because that to me is like a very beautiful affirmation.
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I think I've tried. We really follow. We're in the. We're in that like we're just swimming to survive a little bit. Yeah.
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How old are the kids?
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We have a three and a half year old and a nine, almost nine month old. So two kids is actually a lot more than one kid.
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I have discovered after having numerically it's at least twice as much and spiritually it might be more than that.
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Yeah. I think I had some idea that maybe it spiritually would not feel like twice as much kids.
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Sure, sure, sure.
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That's not true.
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Right, right. Where it's like carrying one bag of groceries and carrying two bags of groceries in the same hand is just like. It's kind of like one really heavy bag of groceries. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally.
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So I think maybe I haven't, I haven't given that many dad based affirmations.
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I, I do think that feels. I. Because that feels to me something where like people, the people in my life who are parents especially like peers and friends. It's such a. It's such a vast and powerful undertaking and I feel like people often seem a little. There's a feeling of like am I doing this right? Especially with really little kids that like I bet feels very good to have a firm that like you are doing a really great job at this and I admire the way that you are able to carry this off. Feels like a very. But again maybe that's a compliment.
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I don't know. Yeah, it's interesting. It's hard, hard to distinguish. I think it would count as an affirmation, but I can't be positive.
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And, and where does your, where does that hunch come from that you like. What about it feels affirmation Y versus compliment.
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I think that it's specific probably and that it's like about something that he's doing maybe more than like just a way that he is. Like I was trying to think of like obviously it's a silly thing to be like you're so tall but like maybe it's sort of something like oh, like I really love that you're like willing to get things off of tall shelves for me, like, without, you know, being my ladder, you know, and that's sort of like, obviously not a very good one, but it is sort of more of an affirmation.
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Got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Because it's not just like, you are a tall person. It's like the way that you. You. That you deploy this ability, this natural ability that you have is like a comfort and a joy to me.
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Yes.
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Got it. Like, I know this isn't your thing, but, like, has. Have you asked for, like, a reciprocal affirmation just as kind of a fact finding mission?
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This is a good. A good idea that I haven't really
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considered because maybe even if it's not something you're seeking out, maybe it's like an itch that you didn't know would feel good to scratch. And then you like to feel it coming your way, maybe it gives you a little more insight into, like, what's his thing, Even if you don't copy it directly. You know, kind of like, hey, your generosity, even when you've had a hard day, is really loving. It's like, oh, I know you are, but what am I?
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I'll just wait a few days and see if he forgets and flip it.
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Yeah, flip it on him. Yeah, right. You're, like, writing it down.
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He has a pretty bad memory, so I feel like this could work.
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Okay. That I would not consider an affirmation, Even when it is helpful to you to be like, you have a pretty bad memory, and it makes it easy for me to recycle affirmations to you. So I love that about you.
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Well, this is part of the pressure of affirmations is that there's, like, an insistence that they be new.
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That's tough.
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And I'm like, I don't always have something new and nice to say about you, which sounds really harsh, but I actually, like, feel like it's just reasonable.
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No, that makes sense. But, like, I think if it is something like some. If it falls under not just a compliment, like, oh, you cooked a delicious dinner or whatever, but if it's like, it really meant a lot that you took the time to do the grocery shopping today when I had to stay late at work or something, you know, I. I feel like. I bet you have appreciative feelings, Eve. That count would count as affirmations. Even if with kind of the. The chaos of two little kids. It doesn't occur to you to vocalize in the moment because you're taking fire from all sides. Child care.
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Was it Is so hard to think when there is a three and a half year old just talking. We have one of them that just doesn't stop speaking. That's sort of their deal.
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I think I was that one.
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Yeah, I think I was too. So it's not a huge surprise, but, yeah, pretty remarkable.
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It comes by it honestly. They say, yeah, yeah, that's really sweet. But I think those, like, noticing moments are really like. And that is, that's like the, the relationship work, right. That people always talk about. They're like, oh, really should work. And it's like, you don't have to, like, clock in at the love factory and like, spend nine hours at a desk or on an assembly line. But it is, I think it is, like, that's the work of, like, making sure that you're, like, tending to this, both of you. I'm not like, you're doing this wrong, but, like, especially because it feels like more of a skill. This is more of a skill building thing. Yeah, I imagine. And maybe I'm wrong, but maybe he needed a little guidance with foot massages at first.
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Yeah, no, it definitely is. I think the thing about the, like, five love languages, that is interesting. Not the languages themselves because they're sort of limiting, but, like, it is an interesting idea to consider like, that, you know, not everyone wants to be loved the same way. That.
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Yeah.
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Or even like, for me, it's like, I love giving gifts. It's like a great passion of mine and I'm very, like, good at it. Not to be conceited, but, like, I'm very thoughtful about giving things to people. I don't really like to receive gifts because, like, I don't think the level of thought that goes into that, like, it's not reversed.
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Usually people aren't on your level.
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Yeah, people aren't on my level. And so I'm like. And there are a few people who are on my level who are kind of random. And I'm like, I love getting gifts from them because they're always like, totally great. But it's like, it's not some other people's skill. And I'm like, that's fine.
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You totally understand.
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For me. Yeah.
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My. My late grandmother, rest in peace, gone many years, at one point told my family was like, don't, don't worry about giving me gifts. I got it from here.
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Especially when you're like, grandmother age, you're like, I think I'm done pretending that
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I don't need to. Yeah. But here's the. This is the other thing. She was really bad at giving gifts. Well, she traveled a lot. She was a real world traveler. She visited all seven continents and. And she would come back with some of the absolute most unwearable souvenirs. It would just be like, the scratchiest T shirt or like a hat that makes everyone's head look like a duck. Like, it truly just some of the worst gifts. And it's. It's so funny to me that, like, she loved giving bad gifts and hated receiving bad gifts.
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Yeah. Just. It's a one direction thing.
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I. I do think, though, I mean, I know, like, I had two years and years ago. I was a real, like, are you mad at me? Person. And nobody. There's nothing that pours gasoline on the flames of an already bad mood than someone being like, are you mad at me? Because, like, if the answer is yes, it's yes. And if the answer was no, like, it sometimes becomes yes, yes.
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It's like, a little bit now.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm getting there. You wanna. You wanna try again? But I do think, like, this, it does take a little coaching in the same way. Like a gift. Giving a gift or giving a foot massage takes a little, like, coaching. So I think, like, figuring out what, you know, asking explicitly and with an open heart in mind of, like, what is it that. That I'm missing the mark on? And, like, what was something. Can you think of something I've said that, like, felt very affirmative to you in the way that, that you're looking to be, you know, scratch behind the ears or, or asking, like, what is something? Like, can you. Can you do me one? And like, just because, like, maybe because then you just kind of hear the, the emotional valence of it. Yeah. Of like, yeah. Oh, you wanted to hear, like, you didn't want to hear. You're a great dancer. You wanted to hear, like, you are pure of heart and will surely see the kingdom of heaven.
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A
Yes, I think that's. That's right. Yeah. I have to get the vibe. Vibe.
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Yeah. I think it's just catching the wave. And I know, like, part of it is that it, like, feels a little where you're like, oh, so. And because on both sides, right? You're like, how do I do this silly thing? And he's like, well, if you have to. If it's a silly thing to you, I don't even want you doing it. It doesn't feel good. But, like, I think you. You both kind of have to, like, kill the cringe about it and just
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be like, yeah, it's A very cumbersome feeling in the moment. I think I actually really enjoy like, I think I can write a very good like Father's day card or like birthday card because it's private a little bit like I'm writing it alone. It doesn't feel as cringe but like in the moment. Yeah, I think I need to practice that.
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B
I bet if you vamping type of thing and I bet if you like try to harness that birthday card energy, you know, day to day, I feel like that's like a real, a real gift and it sounds like you're really invested in this and I believe in you.
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A
Thank you so much, Jess.
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B
You're welcome. Thank you for calling. This is like such a wonderful conversation. I hope I was remotely helpful.
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I think you were. You're so naturally nice seving. I think it comes naturally to you.
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I try but like, and if you wanna, if you wanna call back, if you like really hit the mark and you did a good affirmation that really landed, feel free to call back and even just leave a voice note and tell. Cause I would love to hear about it.
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A
Okay, sounds great.
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B
All right, well, I think it's time to say goodnight. And Lucy, I always like to say goodnight to our guests. So thank you for calling in. And goodnight to you, goodnight to our listeners. And then we always take a moment at the end of the show to say goodnight to somebody out there in the world. So I'm gonna wish a good night to my parents who were instructed not to give gifts to my grandmother. And they loved her anyway. And she loved them anyway. Is there anyone out there you'd like to say goodnight to?
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A
Oh, I think I'll say goodnight to everyone who stayed up a little too late tonight watching the end of a World cup match.
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B
Great. Good night. Thank you so much, Lucy. And good night to you.
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A
Bye.
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B
That was Lucy. We had such a great affirmations talk. I hope that she feels affirmed by it and that things go smoothly. If you have anything you want to talk about, hash out questions. Just a listening ear late at night, please shoot us an email at thenightlyatch. Co. We always want to hear from you. I hope Lucy calls back because I would be great to hear how this goes. And that's all for tonight. So good night to you all. You all are great people deserving of love. That's my affirmation to you listeners. Good night.
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Foreign.
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B
To learn more about our phone free light and audio experience, head to Hatch Co. You can also follow us at Hatch Podcasts.