The Nightly — “Maybe Don't Book a Couples Massage on Your First Date”

Host: KP and Jacquis (Hatch Podcasts)
Date: January 26, 2026

Episode Overview

This cozy, light-hearted episode of The Nightly centers around pop culture-inspired bedtime chats and a brand new dating advice/gossip segment called “It Happened One Night.” KP and Jacquis dissect three unusual (and sometimes awkward) first-date stories sourced from the internet, rating each on the “red flag, green flag, beige flag” scale. With lots of warmth, genuine friendship banter, and an aim to wind down before bed, the hosts deliver both laughs and thoughtful takes on dating etiquette in the modern era.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Sleep Problems, Ear Piercings, and Winding Down (00:30–04:23)

• KP recently got her second ear piercings, leading to sleep struggles because of the discomfort from not being able to sleep on her side.
  • KP: “I'm relegated to the back this month.” (01:28)
• The pair riff on the addictive nature of piercings and tattoos, with both swapping stories and trivia about their piercing histories.
  • Jacquis: “I've always wondered, would I do any other nose or tongue... It's never called me.” (02:25)
  • KP: “They used to call you KP Tragus Parker.” (03:54)
  • KP: “Now it'll be KP Second Hole. I don't like that, actually.” (04:03)

2. Introducing the "It Happened One Night" Dating Segment (04:23–05:19)

• The hosts roll out a new “dating debrief” segment: It Happened One Night.
• Listeners submit wacky or memorable dating stories to be dissected for red, green, or beige flags.
  • KP: “I love being judgmental and pretending I have good dating advice.” (05:12)

The Dating Stories: Red, Green, or Beige Flags

Story #1: The Surprise First-Date Couples Massage (05:19–11:14)

• Story: Listener attended a first date only to find the other party had booked them a full-body massage together, followed by drinks at his old workplace — where she was paraded around as if already his girlfriend.
• Hosts’ Reaction: Major red flag—the situation is intimate, forward, and presumptuous for a first meeting.
  • Jacquis: “I love a massage... so there's no part of this that's green. We're oscillating between beige and red... But think about them being half-naked next to you!” (05:45)
  • KP: “The intention is nice, I hope... But a first date should be about talking.” (07:22)
  • KP: “Would be weirded out if a woman booked me a full body massage first date... As a man, I would never do that for someone I didn’t know well. Gotta look at optics, bruh.” (07:39)
  • Jacquis: “If you had only been talking about your lower back hurting—still don’t do it!” (08:00)
• Memorable Take:
  • Jacquis: “You already got it from a professional... These hands are weak. Now I’m already behind the eight ball!” (10:57)
• Consensus:
  • Both agree—save massages for much later, and always talk first.
  • Red Flag.
  • KP: “All the clothes stay on, I think, is my rule for a public first date.” (08:34)

Story #2: The Over-the-Top Romantic (11:21–14:35)

• Story: A date brings an enormous bouquet of flowers and attempts to pull out a chair at the bar, almost causing a spill. The recipient feels embarrassed in public.
• Hosts’ Reaction:
  • Jacquis: Green flag for the romantic gesture, red flag for the complainant’s attitude.
    • Jacquis: “You just found you a romantic!” (12:34)
  • KP: “I think this is tragic. If you think this is a red flag... I think the bar has been lowered so much.” (12:55)
  • They both see this as a classic, kind act—appreciation and chivalry—and are surprised at the narrator's embarrassment.
• Memorable Quotes:
  • KP: “If you think it’s dorky or something, that’s just not a good vibe... It’s nice, it’s kind. You thought of someone.” (14:06)
  • Jacquis: “I wish somebody brought me flowers on a first date. I ain’t never been brought nothing!” (14:35)
  • Jacquis: “Ladies, if somebody wants to date me, bring me some flowers! I’ll take you to a massage.” (14:43)
  • Laughs about making a beige flag together by mixing red and green.
• Consensus: Green flag for the effort—a signal to raise standards, not be embarrassed by kindness.

Story #3: The Spontaneous (and Slightly Macabre) Nature Meetup (15:42–22:06)

• Story: A spontaneous text leads to a nighttime walk with wine in Yeti mugs and dark jokes about “how easy it would be to hide a body in the park”—and, a year later, a close partnership.
• Hosts’ Reaction:
  • KP: Reads the initial setup as a mutual green flag—honest, low-stakes invitiation, both on the same wavelength.
    • KP: “I like this text. I know it’s ridiculous... I promise we’ll go on a real date soon. I think that’s a really great text.” (17:26)
  • Jacquis: Amused but baffled as the story veers between green flag (spontaneity, banter) and beige/red flag (odd phrasing, possibly dated attitudes).
  • Both agree this is a green flag for these two—compatible senses of humor and energy, even if some lines (“she’s too pretty to not know better”) are out of tune with their own styles.
    • KP: “Matches your freak.” (19:40)
    • Jacquis: “Y’all freak flags are flying together.” (19:41)
  • The hosts point out that personal “beige flags” (wine preference, lacking a Yeti mug, not being into trench digging) simply mean “not my match”—but celebrate this couple’s unique vibe.
    • KP: “That’s why we can’t be everyone’s cup of tea. I don’t want to be everyone’s cup of tea.” (22:08)
• Consensus: A happy, weird, wonderful green flag for this couple, with the hosts reflecting on individuality and chemistry.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On couples massages:

  “You've got to look at optics, bruh.” — Jacquis (07:39)

• On romantic gestures:

  “If you think it's dorky or something, that's just not a good vibe... It's nice, it's kind.” — KP (14:06) “I wish somebody brought me flowers on a first date. I ain’t never been brought nothing!” — Jacquis (14:35)

• On compatibility:

  “Matches your freak.” — KP (19:40)
  “Y’all freak flags are flying together.” — Jacquis (19:41)

• On personal preferences:

  “That’s why we can’t be everyone’s cup of tea. I don’t want to be everyone’s cup of tea.” — KP (22:08)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:30–04:23 — Piercings, sleep, bedtime chat
• 04:23–05:19 — Segment intro: “It Happened One Night”
• 05:19–11:14 — Story #1: Booked massage on a first date (red flag)
• 11:21–14:35 — Story #2: Flowers and chivalry — is romantic corny? (green flag)
• 15:42–22:06 — Story #3: Spur-of-the-moment park date, wine, and dark humor (green flag—even if a little beige)
• 22:06–end — Reflections on compatibility, wrap-up, and bedtime sign-off

Summary & Vibe

Rich with laughter, thoughtful takes, and quirky personal storytelling, this episode is equal parts cozy and insightful. The hosts champion kindness and individualized dating styles while offering gentle skepticism and plenty of playful roasting. Whether you’re sleepless, bemused by the modern dating scene, or just seeking some wholesomely funny company, this Nightly episode delivers warm, “pillow fort” entertainment you don’t have to overthink.

“We are going to go right to sleep with all those delightful stories on the brain.” — KP (22:15)