The Real Musketeer & A Wedding Standoff

Summary

The Nightly – "The Real Musketeer & A Wedding Standoff"

Host: Kristen & Matt (Hatch Podcasts)
Date: April 5, 2026

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Overview & Main Theme

This episode of The Nightly weaves together a relaxed pub-style chat between hosts Kristen and Matt, covering wedding social anxieties, the origin of "Dog Tanyon," and a lighthearted pop culture pub quiz. With their signature cozy banter, the hosts invite listeners to unwind with them, offering relatable humor, surprising trivia, and playful challenges—capped by a wager over Matt’s willingness to dance at an upcoming wedding.

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Key Discussion Points

1. Pub Chat Atmosphere & Wedding Social Anxieties

(00:30 – 06:05)

• Kristen and Matt set the scene, imagining themselves at a classic, cozy pub table, catching up as if eavesdropping on strangers and surrounded by the aroma of tradition.
• The conversation pivots to Matt’s upcoming wedding attendance. He confides his discomfort, as he’s going as his girlfriend’s plus-one (she’s a bridesmaid), knowing no one and dreading the prospect of solo mingling.
  • Matt reflects on past uncomfortable moments: “I got cornered again ... at the end I got cornered by this girl who ... started shouting at me about, you know, you think you're so funny. And I was like, what?" (03:09)
• Kristen asks if Matt will dance at the wedding. He makes it clear: “Absolutely not.” He describes his preferred posture—leaning at the bar, making small talk, and dodging the dance floor.
  • Matt expresses the agony of dance floor peer pressure: “People come over and go, what's wrong with you? ... Staring into space. That is my good time. No need to dance.” (04:15)
• Kristen, contrastingly, is a self-professed "dance machine" at weddings, something Matt says he’d actually appreciate—so the spotlight stays off him.
  • Kristen recalls her own wedding: “A friend took me aside ... and she's like, but you’re actually supposed to mingle with people ... I'm like, nah, I just want to dance. It's my wedding, I'm going to dance.” (05:20)

2. Wedding Traditions & Social Expectations

(06:06 – 07:06)

• Matt and Kristen bemoan the expectation to personally thank every wedding guest; both agree it’s unnecessary.
  • Matt: “When you decided to come, you didn’t have to ... You don’t have to get on your knees and thank people for coming.” (06:06)
• Both advocate doing what genuinely brings joy at special events.

3. The Secret of Dog Tanyon & The Real Musketeer

(07:06 – 10:21)

• Matt shares an unexpected etymological discovery. He reveals the real d’Artagnan—the historical basis for The Three Musketeers—and the origin of “Dog Tanyon” from a Japanese-Japanese-English cartoon adaptation where the musketeers were dogs.
  • “The Japanese cartoon version, the musketeers were dogs, and his name was Dog Tanyon.” (07:47)
• Matt shares an article about archaeologists finding what may be the real d’Artagnan’s bones in a Netherlands church.
• Kristen and Matt both admit to previously thinking the Musketeers were totally fictional:
  • Kristen: "I am learning so much ... I thought the whole Three Musketeers thing was fictional." (08:34)
• Kristen jokes about churches competing over relics, leading to a riff about the absurdity of multiple churches claiming the same saintly body parts and a potential for “Dog Tanyon” relics.
  • Kristen: "The only way this can be true is if that person had 75 hands, because there are not that many finger bones in a human body!" (09:07)
• They riff on dog-pun adaptations of famous characters—e.g. “Dog Vader."
  • Kristen: "I'm starting to think now about all the other characters that could be dogs, like Dog Vader instead of Darth Vader." (10:13)
  • Matt: "With the rise of AI Kristen, it's all on the table for you. I imagine it's one program download away." (10:29)

4. The Pub Quiz: Cozy Competition & Surprising Success

(10:40 – 17:18)

Introduction to the Quiz

(10:40 – 11:24)

• Kristen sets modest expectations—her usual score is one right answer.
• Matt reminds that the point is just having fun.

Pub Quiz Questions & Answers

1. What spring month is named after the Roman goddess of love?
   • Kristen guesses "April" (“Aphrodite”/April connection)
   • She’s correct! (12:13)
   • Matt admits he’d have gotten it wrong: “July came to my head ... maybe the Roman goddess of love was Julie.” (12:28)
2. What bird is often considered a sign that spring has arrived in North America?
   • Kristen: “Robin” (based on her Minnesota upbringing)
   • Matt: “Starling” (associates robins with Christmas)
   • Answer: Robin! Kristen scores two. (14:22)
3. What butterfly species migrates thousands of miles to North America each spring?
   • Kristen: “Monarch butterfly”—shares childhood story of raising them.
   • Matt: jokes he only knows “red ones and moths,” guesses “moth.”
   • [Producer confirms Kristen is right.]

• A wager is set—if Kristen gets all three correct, Matt must dance at the wedding.
  • Kristen: “If I get one more right, will you dance at this wedding this weekend?” (14:42)
  • Matt: “If you get one more right, I will dance at the wedding.” (14:53)

Post-Quiz Banter

(16:12 – 17:18)

• Kristen revels in her victory: “This is the best score I’m ever gonna get on pub quiz and I feel like I deserve a reward for that.” (17:04)
• Matt feigns dread about having to dance, Kristen suggests dance options (“Electric Slide,” “Macarena,” etc.) (16:43–16:57)
• Both end the episode on a cheerful note, with Matt “getting ready for his dance off” at the wedding.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Wedding Dances:
  • Matt: “Sitting, staring into space. That is my good time. No need to dance.” (04:15)
  • Kristen: “I'm a dance machine at weddings. I'm out of prayer.” (04:53)
• On Obligatory Socializing:
  • Kristen: “It’s my wedding, I’m going to dance.” (05:47)
• On Quizzes and Victory:
  • Kristen (on her streak): “This is unbelievable. This has never happened before, folks.” (14:31)
• On Body Part Relics:
  • Kristen: "The only way this can be true is if that person had 75 hands, because there are not that many finger bones in a human body!" (09:07)
• Dog Parodies:
  • Kristen: "I'm starting to think now about all the other characters that could be dogs, like Dog Vader instead of Darth Vader." (10:13)
  • Matt: "With the rise of AI ... it's one program download away." (10:29)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:30 – Pub Chat & Setting the Scene
• 01:49 – Matt's Wedding Dilemma
• 04:02 – The Wedding Dance Standoff
• 07:06 – The Real Musketeer & Dog Tanyon
• 09:35 – Relic Rivalries & Dog Vader
• 10:40 – Introduction of the Pub Quiz
• 11:50 – Pub Quiz Question 1 (April/Aphrodite)
• 13:02 – Pub Quiz Question 2 (Robin)
• 15:10 – Pub Quiz Question 3 (Monarch Butterfly)
• 16:17 – Matt's Pledge: Wedding Dance if Kristen Wins
• 17:29 – Wrap-up and Sign-off

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Episode Tone

Relaxed, playful, irreverent, and comforting.
Matt and Kristen’s easy banter creates a welcoming and cozy environment—the podcast equivalent of sipping a pint in a friendly neighborhood pub and laughing with old friends.

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For anyone in need of winding down, a dose of pop trivia, or the comforting sound of friends chatting honestly about social anxiety and the trivia of daily life, this episode of The Nightly delivers the perfect bedtime listen.

Transcript

[A]

Hello. You're about to drift into an episode of the Nightly, a podcast designed to help you unwind and relax. For the full phone free immersive light experience. Visit Hatch Co. Enjoy.

[B]

Hey, out there, bed heads. Kristen and I'm Matt.

[A]

Welcome to the Nightly from Hatch. This is the Sunday Pub Chat. Thank you very much for joining me, Kristen, how are you doing?

[B]

Oh, I'm so excited to be here for Pub Chat night. I love catching up with you. I love imagining the two of us actually sitting in a pub over an old wooden table that's like 200 years old that everyone's carved their initials into.

[A]

Initial round. Yeah, it'd be lovely, wouldn't it?

[B]

Yes. And you know, the walls are kind of dark. Maybe we're eavesdropping on other tables. Some of them are having exciting nights, some of them don't have anything to say to each other. You know, normal pub stuff.

[A]

I mean, in the meantime, though, this is the next best thing. Got all sorts tonight. Got a little bit of pub quiz. Yes. Which. That's one of my favorite things.

[B]

It's also one of my favorites. Even though, as you know, Matt, I am not good at this. But I always love it.

[A]

I love trying, you know, that doesn't matter at all. I am terrible at pub quizzes. Doesn't make me enjoy them any less.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I'm actually. I'm going to a wedding at the weekend where there is, I think part of the, like, evening entertainment is a pub quiz.

[B]

Ooh, fun. Not during the actual wedding ceremony itself, though, because that'd be weird, right?

[A]

That would be weird. Would make it more bearable from my point of view. I'm not a big wedding guy.

[B]

Are you actually in this wedding, are you like an usher or a groomsman or anything like that? Or do you just get to sit back and relax?

[A]

No, well, my. My girlfriend's a bridesmaid because I can normally get out of these. They're at weekends. I'm a comedian, I work weekends. That's normally enough. And I said, as usual for this one, I said, I really don't want to go. And she said, oh, but I'm a bridesmaid. So it kind of. And I went, oh, all right, fair enough. And then the more I thought about it, the more I thought, if you're a bridesmaid, that's surely even more reason for me not to come because you're going to be really busy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

On my own.

[B]

Yeah. You might not even see her that much and you'll just be by yourself standing around or do you have lots of other friends at this wedding?

[A]

Yeah, I don't know anybody. Oh, and famously does not play well with others. Kristin, I don't know what. I don't know what I'm going to do.

[B]

That's so not true. You are a joy with the right

[A]

people, but, you know, you just. I find at weddings, the last one I went to, which wasn't one of my friends, it was, you know, a girlfriend's friend, I said, I'm never gonna go to one of them again. Cause I got cornered again. I was on my own pretty much all of the evening and at the end I got cornered by this girl who she'd had a little bit, a little bit to drink.

[B]

That happens sometimes at weddings. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Which is, you know, I'm all for that. I'd had a couple and she cornered me and started shouting at me about, you know, you think you're so funny. And I was like, what? I mean, you're right. Yeah, I do, but it's not really relevant. Why are you shouting at me? So anyway, I'm sure it'll be absolutely fine.

[B]

Question. Are you somebody who will dance at the wedding?

[A]

Absolutely not.

[B]

Let's say there's like six Oasis songs in a row. Are you just gonna sit there with your legs crossed with your elbows on the table? Are you gonna be up there? Are you gonna boogie?

[A]

Neither of those actually. Not legs crossed, not elbows on the table. I'm more of a lean against a bar and wait for somebody reasonably like minded who also doesn't like to dance at weddings, to come and stand next to me and talk about football or something. I can't do it. I can't. And what do you know what, Kristian, you've really opened up a can of worms here. What really annoys me is, you know when you sat at a wedding, people come over and go, what's wrong with you? Come on, get up. Why aren't you having a good time? Get up and dance to me. Sitting, staring into space. That is my good time. No need to dance.

[B]

You don't ever want to go to a wedding with me, Matt. Because I'm a dance machine at weddings. I'm out of prayer.

[A]

But that's great though. I would love that because that would take the heat off me and I'd

[B]

be like, come on, mat, shake that booty. Come on, Matt, you know you want to.

[A]

Okay, I take it back here. That sounds terrible.

[B]

Come on, Matt. I just talked to the DJ and requested a song. I know you're gonna love. Yeah. Come on.

[A]

Is that you for a wedding? Like as soon as the dance floor's open, you're out there and you're there till the end. That's it.

[B]

Oh, yeah. And even at my own wedding, when I got married, a friend took me aside at one point and said, shouldn't you greet the guests or thank people for coming to your wedding, like individually? And I'm like, well, we already gave a speech and thanked everybody for coming. And she's like, but you're actually supposed to mingle with people. People flew in here from all over the world and you're supposed to have one on one conversations. And I'm like, nah, I just want to dance. It's my wedding, I'm going to dance.

[A]

I absolutely love that.

[B]

It's my day. I'm going to dance.

[A]

You're so right though. You should be. You should just be enjoying yourself. Yeah. Do what you want to do.

[B]

Yeah. I queued up all this like schlocky music. I'm going to dance to it. That's what I'm doing.

[A]

Yeah, too right. I. I'm retrospectively proud of you for doing that. I think that's.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

More people should, should learn to just say no to. I. I've had people come to like tour shows before and my mum's text me and been like, oh, so and so has come tonight. We just go out and say hello afterwards. They didn't have to. I didn't have gone to their end. Same with weddings. Like when you decided to come, you didn't have to. I'm not going to. You don't have to get on your knees and thank people for coming. Here's an interesting thing, Kristin, I found today and I really wanted to talk about it because it's. I've just found out the sort of etymology of a word which I've known for years and didn't know what it meant or where it came from. Do you remember a cartoon called the Three Musketeers?

[B]

I remember the Candy Bar which had these cartoon characters, but I don't remember the TV show.

[A]

I see. I didn't know the Candy Bar. Wow. I think it was originally a Japanese cartoon. It was in like. I mean, it's before my time. It was in the 80s, but they remade it for like an English speaking audience. And it was basically the real story of the Three Musketeers is based around a real man, a real musketeer called d'. Artagnan. And he was a real. I wanna say French d'. Artagnan. French Musketeer. So that was the real guy.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

The Japanese cartoon version, the musketeers were dogs, and his name was Dog Tanyon.

[B]

I love this so much. Brilliant.

[A]

And I've heard Dog Tanyon be referenced so many times in my life. Dog Tanyon. Where did that come from? And then I realized that was the name of the dog in the cartoon, and he was called Dog Tanyon. Cause the real musketeer was called Dartanyon.

[B]

I love this.

[A]

There you go. Basically, the reason I came onto it is, is because in a church in Holland, they think they found the bones of the real d'. Artagnan. I've got the article here. It says, archaeologists believe that remains found under a church floor in the Netherlands could belong to the famous Musketeer d'. Artagnan.

[B]

Okay. I am learning so much because this whole time, I thought the whole three Musketeers thing was fictional.

[A]

So did I.

[B]

So did I. I thought they were fictional. Unless in the form of a candy bar and then totally real.

[A]

But, yeah, that was exactly my thought.

[B]

Wow. It may as well have been Charlie's Angels. Like, not real, just fun, right?

[A]

Yeah, it was the Charlie's angels of the 1700s.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

There you go. They exist. And apparently one of their jawbones is under an altar. So there we go.

[B]

I wonder if there are other churches now that are going to compete and raise their hands and say, but actually we have the jawbone. Last year, when I was in Italy, I came across so many churches that claim to have the relics of certain people. And I'm like, the only way this can be true is if that person had 75 hands, because there are not that many finger bones in a human body. And how do this many churches have a finger bone relic of this one saint?

[A]

That is such a good point, because I think that's a very Catholic thing, isn't it? They keep a part of what a saint under the altar. But you're right, for that to be true, every saint would have had to have been pushed through a cheese grater and then just sort of divvied up over. There's just too many churches.

[B]

I'm just saying I would not be surprised if some other churches now were like, actually, we also have part of Dog Tanyon in our church. Oh, so do we. So do we. Dog Tanyon right here. Yes.

[A]

Dog Tanyon would actually love an altar full of bones as well. I love that as a musketeered dog.

[B]

Also, I'm starting To think now about all the other characters that could be dogs, like Dog Vader instead of Darth Vader.

[A]

Yeah, that's sort of waiting to happen, isn't it? That would be a great one.

[B]

Oh, I would love a remake of Star wars where it's just dogs. That would be so cute.

[A]

With the rise of AI Kristen, it's all on the table for you. I imagine it's one program download away. This is so enlightening, this show, isn't it?

[B]

They're a font of information. Yeah.

[A]

I actually think people come out knowing less than they did before. But we are going to remedy that now, Kristen, because we have come to the pub quiz segment.

[B]

Yay. Pub quiz. Pub quiz. My goal tonight is to get one correct answer, which is I think my record from prior pub quizzes is one right answer per night. So let's see if I can do it again.

[A]

And I think you are also the reigning champion with one right answer. Good luck to everybody playing at home.

[B]

Let's keep our standards low, folks, because

[A]

it's all about taking part, isn't it, Kristen? That's the main takeaway. Unless, of course, I get more than one. Right, so question one, Kristen. Bear in mind I don't have the answers to this yet either. Our producer is getting ready with the answers, so it's all even. Okay, what spring month is named after the Roman goddess of love?

[B]

Okay, so is the Roman goddess. Is that Venus or Aphrodite? I can't remember which one's Greek and which one's Roman. And Aphrodite sounds kind of like April. Maybe they both start with an ap. So I'm going to say April. How's about that?

[A]

Very logical. Very logical.

[B]

Maybe it might just be grasping at straws. Look, two letters in common. Let's see.

[A]

So, Chris, that is correct. Wow, you're absolutely correct. So you've already. You've reached the heady heights of your PB on question one.

[B]

I can't believe I've eclipsed my record already with the first question. This is amazing.

[A]

Really, really well done.

[B]

Wow. Thank you.

[A]

Full disclosure there. I've now realized it's not a spring month, so I would have been wrong. Anyway, July came to my head, but I think that's cause it sounds like Julie. And I thought maybe the Roman goddess of love was Julie.

[B]

Oh, yeah, famously Julie. Also, I just have to point out this question doesn't work on the southern hemisphere.

[A]

Why not?

[B]

Where my husband is from, April is not the spring in New Zealand. April is the fall. It's Autumn.

[A]

Very good point. Yeah, very good point for.

[B]

For all of our listeners on the Northern hemisphere. Yes. April is a spring month.

[A]

Yeah. Southern hemisphere. I can only apologize. I made that more difficult for you. Question number two, also a difficult one for the Southern Hemisphere. What bird is often considered a sign that spring has arrived in North America? I haven't got a clue what that could be.

[B]

That's a tough question. Cause you're not from North America.

[A]

I could have a stab.

[B]

I can have a stab, too. But let's hear what yours is.

[A]

I'm gonna go with a starling.

[B]

You know what I like about starlings? They kind of look plain from far away, but when the light hits them, you see, they're kind of glimmery in different colors up close.

[A]

They're really great birds. Starlings. I'm a big fan.

[B]

Yeah, I'm gonna say the robin. And that's mostly because the part of the US I grew up in, Minnesota, we had so many freaking robins everywhere. Do you know what a robin looks like, Matt?

[A]

Yeah, but wouldn't you more associate them with. I associate them with Christmas.

[B]

Oh, really? I think of cardinals. I think of cardinals as more of a Christmas bird because they're red.

[A]

Not a red breast. Robin.

[B]

Oh, yeah. In the US they have big orange bellies. Orange bellies?

[A]

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[B]

I suppose they are more dark, blackish bodies. And then they have these beautiful light blue eggs that they lay. And so for me, growing up, a robin was the spring bird. So I'm gonna say robin.

[A]

Interesting. I've always associated them with winter. Okay, the answer, according to the producer, is it is the robin.

[B]

What? I just got two right today. How did that happen? This is unbelievable. This has never happened before, folks.

[A]

So what are the signs of the apocalypse? Unfortunately,

[B]

Matt, if I get one more right, will you dance at this wedding this weekend?

[A]

Well, we have. We've got time for one more question. So I'll tell you what, Kristen. If you get one more right, I will dance at the wedding. Okay?

[B]

Okay. I must get this right now. I have to get it right because I want you to dance.

[A]

I've got a couple of questions I could go for here. I've got to be tactical about this. That seems like a difficult one. What butterfly species migrates thousands of miles to North America each spring?

[B]

Okay, again, I'm going to base this on my upbringing in Minnesota. We used to have lots of wild monarch butterflies. And we would even raise them because it would be so fun to find milkweed leaves with little eggs on the Undersides of them. We'd bring the leaves home, the eggs would hatch, little caterpillars would come out and then they would build cocoons and then they would open up out of their cocoons and they would be beautiful monarchs. And we would release them into the wild. And it was a hobby for little school children to do when I. The monarch butterfly. And so that's the butterfly I grew up knowing the best. And I do think that they're a migratory butterfly. And it might also just be. I don't know any other butterfly species at all. So I'm just grasping at straws here. So I'm saying the monarch. But what about you, Matt?

[A]

I've got a horrible feeling you'd be absolutely right because that sounded so educated as a guess. A really horrendous feeling that. That's right.

[B]

So excited to see you dance. You have to make a video. I want to see you dancing.

[A]

I know two kinds of butterflies and they are red ones and moths. So I'm gonna lock in moth. So you're saying monarch butterfly. I've gone with moth. The answer is. Oh, God. Well, that's all we've got time for this week. What a wonderful episode.

[B]

Matt, electric slide. You could do the hustle Square dancing. There are a lot of options.

[A]

Listen, Kristen, we could all do lots of things.

[B]

The Macarena, you know,

[A]

we'll see. We'll see. I will do it. Can't go back on my word. You know, we made a bet and

[B]

fair's fair, but I would appreciate that because this is the best score I'm ever gonna get on pub quiz and I feel like I deserve a reward for that.

[A]

So it is genuinely. That is the best score I think we've had.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Congratulations. And on that note, I've gotta sleep up and get ready for my dance off at the weekend. It's been a pleasure, Kristin.

[B]

It has been such a fun night, Matt. Sweet dreams. Happy dancing. I'll see you next time.

[A]

See you next time. Night, Kristen. Sam. To learn more about our phone free light and audio experience, head to Hatch Co. You can also follow us at Hatch Podcasts.